Flight attendants, please prepare for landing.
Oh, yeah. That's it, that's it, that's it, baby.
That is it right there. Okay, right there,
Oh, baby. Look at you. You're so hot. You're so hot.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Ma'am, we're about to land.
It's FAA regulations,
you need to take your seat.
Flight attendants, prepare for landing.
Ma'am, we really need you to take your seat.
Open the door.
- What can I say. - Ma'am.
Hi.
Consider it a gift.
It'll redampen the dustiest
of batcaves if you get my drift.
Just saying.
What we want to stress, Mr. Walker,
is the unity of death.
We believe this isn't the end of your mother's life,
but an opportunity to bring together
all the elements so greatly deserved to be celebrated.
As you'll see from our brochure, we offer a variety
of packages to suit every need,
however turgid or contoured they may be.
Will your sister be joining us today?
My sister had an emergency and missed her earlier flight.
So, in interest of time, this is the obit my mother wanted.
This she only wanted opened by the funeral home.
And this is where, uh, well, you know, this is where she wanted her ashes to go.
She loved whales.
Untraditional, yes. But we always strive
to satisfy the last wishes of a loved one.
Oh, uh, that reminds me.
This is the picture that she wanted for the paper.
It was her, uh, it was her favorite shot.
Lovely. Oh, it looks like you have another sister.
That's me.
Very well, then. We'll, of course, take care of everything.
Rest assured, Mr. Walker,
that we at Forever and a Day
will do everything in our power
to create an environment
as tasteful and befitting
as your loved one deserves.
Knock yourself out.
Did anyone ever tell you your beak's kinda fucked up?
You really should talk to your manufacturer.
Who's ever heard of a sad-faced duck?
- Hello? - Daddy and I can't come to the phone right now,
so please leave a message after the beep.
Congratulations. You've made it to level five.
- All right, my man. - Lesson three.
- Give me some love. - And to really understand the root of a problem,
you have to dig down deep into the actual roots.
R-O-O-T-S. Resignation,
observation, outlook, tenacity, and spirituality.
Resignation, observation, outlook,
tenacity, and spirituality.
That's it. You can do it.
Be the change. Be the change.
Come on, say it with me. Be the change.
- Be the change. - Be the change.
- Again, with more tenacity.
Be the change.
- Be the change. - Be the change.
Brandon, be the change. Don't just want it. You gotta be it.
- Be the change. - Ooh. Yeah, I got this.
Get off my ass, man.
Be the change!
You need to be the change,
all right? Be the change.
You know what she's gonna do.
You know the bullshit she's gonna throw your way.
Just handle it. Stay calm. Do not engage,
all right? Do not engage.
Just... be the change.
Be the change. Just be the change. You gotta be the change.
Be the change.
Holy fuck! Fucking hell, man.
Careful with the curse words, Brandon.
- I'm always watching. - Get off!
- You're late. - Actually, Star, you're late.
- A Prius, Brandon? Really? - Don't touch...
Really? I mean, aren't you supposed to be all de-gay-ified and shit?
I mean, what, was the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile not available?
A, it's called a process, and B, fuck you.
- Hey. - Hey.
How you holding up?
Shitty. You?
Shitty.
Well, if there's one thing I've learned in this family,
it's misery loves company.
Seatbelt.
Thank you. By the way, did you enjoy the George W book I sent you for your birthday?
Yeah. Yep, uh, you could say that.
- Okay. Home sweet home. - Yep.
I got this.
Well, your room,
your room is pretty much, well, just like you left it.
I, uh, thought I'd make us some dinner.
The 'hood. Does it smell different?
No. That's the smell of stagnation. This is Iowa.
Nothing ever changes.
Oh, you, uh, you remember Mom's little, uh, obsession?
- Yeah. - Brace yourself.
She discovered EBay.
- Holy batshit. - Yeah.
Brandon, what are we gonna do with all this stuff?
I don't know. We have an appointment with Ira in the morning, so...
- Ira? Is he still around? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I thought he would've joined a commune with the Vienna Boys Choir or something.
Nope. He's actually taking this pretty hard.
So, we can't be late.
It feels strange, doesn't it?
- I am gonna go get changed. - Okay.
I'll, uh, I'll get dinner.
All right. Veggie burgers here we go.
Dinner's ready.
Coming.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Oh, this looks great, Brandon. - Thanks.
- It's, uh, Mom's recipe. I found her old book. - Hmm.
It's the veggie burger. Can we, uh, just,
can we say grace before we eat?
You think I'll burst into flames or something?
Please? For mom?
Thank you.
Dear Heavenly Father, please bless this meal which we are about to receive.
Please continue to give us strength and guidance.
Please watch over the soul of our dearly departed mother.
- Amen. - A-woman.
- Do you always have to be so irreverent? - Do you always have to have
- a stick so firmly shoved up your rectum? - Okay. So...
- enough with the gay stuff. - I'm just trying to add a little levity, Brandon.
It's not like anyone died or anything.
Tough crowd.
- So how's it all going? - What?
The cult thing?
- You mean the program? - The cult, program, whatever.
The thing where you all shave your head,
sit in a circle and sing Kumbaya while you're trying
to exorcise the Lady Gaga out of you.
Not that you deserve to know,
- but it's good actually. Thank you. - Good.
Things are going good. I've made a lot of distinct strides.
A lot of big changes.
I've had to step away recently 'cause of the...
because of the cost, but, uh, I made it level five.
- Level five? - Mm-hmm.
Level five. It's a crucial level.
That's the level where you finally become at peace
with who you are.
Gay.
No, Star.
Like I've said, no one's really gay anymore, okay?
Society is confused. We're getting things thrown at us from all angles.
- Social media, technology. We're all confused. - Mm-hmm.
And I was just...
I was just a little lost, okay?
- And now? - Now, uh...
well, I gotta complete level five still, so...
- How about you? - Oh, I'm good. Yeah.
I'm, um, thinking of moving again, probably overseas.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What about Chelsea? - Well,
her dad and I aren't really seeing
eye-to-eye on visitation rights right now.
I have no money for a lawyer and, uh,
he says that, um, she doesn't even wanna see me, so...
Sorry to hear that.
Sorry to hear you're stuck on level five.
Yeah, me too.
You know what we need, Brandon?
- What? - One word.
What?
- You know. - I don't. Where are you going?
One second.
Vinyl. Ain't nothing like it, baby. And...
- um, where'd she put it. Ah! - Oh, no.
Mom's famous hooch squeezed
between every one of her bipolar little toes.
- No. I really shouldn't, okay? - Au contraire, Brandon.
You most definitely should.
Life is short. Just ask Mom. She's dead.
Yes. Thank you. That's plenty.
- You want a little more? - No, that's enough.
- Do you remember the smell? - Yes, it's awful.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, baby. Come to Mama.
- It smells like gasoline. - Ah!
- To Mom. - To Mom.
Mm.
Really? I don't even... the horse, right?
Cheers. What are you doing?
Don't look at me. You're scaring me. Okay. Okay.
♪ Now if you feel That you can't go on ♪
- What is this? You shopping? - Shopping.
Yeah!
- Do this. - Is that the Running Man?
Reach out.
Too soon, too soon.
♪ Darling, reach out ♪
♪ Come on, girl Reach out for me ♪
♪ Reach out Reach out for me ♪
- Wait, do it. - ♪ I'll be there... ♪
- ♪ With a love that... ♪ - The fish.
- ♪ We'll be there ♪ - Backwards fish.
- Like this. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
One!
One, two, three, four! Go! Ah! No! Whoo!
- ♪ Can you see the rope? ♪ - The rope!
♪ Darling, reach out Come on, girl ♪
♪ Reach out Reach out for me! ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
♪ I'll be there ♪
♪ To love and comfort you ♪
♪ And I'll be there ♪
♪ To cherish and care for you ♪
Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, my God. - That was fun.
I can't believe she's gone.
Same.
You know? Same.
You know what she said to me before she died?
What'd she say?
She said, "Look at this thing destroying me
from the inside out, Star. You two have a lot in common."
- That's what she said. - Star, she was joking.
- She was joking. - Yeah. That was Mom,
- always joking. - Ah. That was fun.
You know, any good shrink will tell you
that Mom had cock issues.
- Ex-excuse me? - Yeah.
Think about it. She couldn't hold a healthy relationship down with a guy,
so she surrounded herself with these big blubbery flashy cocks.
- Okay, you're deranged. - Don't you think some of these even affected you, right?
I mean, you literally grew up in a house with all of these things
looking at you no matter where you went. I mean, no wonder
you loathe what you can't do without.
- Look at all these whales. - Why are we back here again?
For the last time, I'm not gonna say it again.
- I am not gay. - Yeah.
And bats don't shit in the dark.
Come on, Brandon, I'm just telling it like it is.
Oh. Okay. If we're telling it like it is,
how about telling me why your daughter wants nothing to do with you, huh?
- What? - You heard me.
I mean, can you blame her?
Between the ever-revolving door of boyfriends
and the constant need to move every few months, I mean,
you've done a pretty bang up job of putting a solid wall between the two of you.
- A wall? If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black. - A fucking wall.
What's the petal and the black? What does that even mean?
If you're talking about a wall, Brandon,
you are the most prolific builder of them all.
You're a gay republican! A fucking gay republican.
I mean, that's a fucking oxymoron if ever there was one.
- I mean, come on! - For the last time,
- I'm not gay! - Yeah. Tell that to all the yogurt slingers
you've had an up close and personal with since you hit adolescence.
- I'm just telling it like it is. - That's fucking it. That's it.
- What are you doing? - That's it, get up.
- Why are you walking in circles? - Come on.
- We're do this right here. - Are you challenging me?
That's it. Come on, I'm not joking. Get up, come on.
Are you challenging me? What are you doing?
Stretches. No Tai Chi now. It's not the same as before.
You remember what happened the last time we did this?
Yeah. I was a little fucking boy then. Now I'm grown.
- Remember, right? - Yeah, I remember.
- Look at me now. I'm grown. - Grown no,
I don't think you know the true nature of a scrapper.
- Yeah. 'Cause if you did... - Just stay away.
Yeah. I think if you did, you would lay down
and save us both the trouble.
- Get off! - Oh, my God.
- Ow! Ow, ow, ow! - Get off my tit, would you?
- Ah! - You're just jealous 'cause Mom loved me more.
No. You're just jealous because I have a vagina!
Ah! Ow!
For the last time, Star, I'm not gay!
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You don't know how much your mother meant to me.
Oh. Well, I guess we should just jump right in.
Now, before I read anything,
I want to say that your mother
was a very special and unique woman.
Stop it.
"I, Clair Samantha Walker,
of sound mind and body..."
As soon as I'm done here, I'm gone.
I'll be first in line to help pack.
"Do hereby bequeath,
all my personal effects,
savings and tangible property..."
- You're such a tool. - You're such a bitch.
"...equally to both my children,
Star Elizabeth Walker and Brandon Tyler Walker, respectively."
- See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya. - Don't let the door hit you in your ass, okay?
Stop it!
I should let you know,
there's a catch.
In order for the property to be divided equally between both parties,
your mother has requested the following.
"My dearest poochies,
while I don't have much to offer in way of my legacy,
I do have the house, my whale collection..." Oh!
"...and the Winnebago." The Sin-a-bago.
"And a small pittance of savings in the bank.
It is my wish you will do what you will with it,
with my blessings, to hopefully make your situation that much better.
Lord knows you each need help in a myriad of ways.
My only contingency, is that you take my ashes, and...
intern them in the body of a whale."
What the fuck?
- What do you mean? - "It's my final wish
that the remnants of this vessel that failed me,
will become one with our mammal brethren of the deep.
If you complete this request, what's mine, is yours.
If not, deal's off and you get squat.
ASPCA gets everything else.
It's pretty simple. Rules are, no flying and you must go together.
Oh, and you have 48 hours to do it. Good luck. And...
- try not to kill each other." - Mr. Rhodes,
my mom was pretty eccentric. I don't think she would have...
Signed and notarized. These were, in fact, her final wishes.
"In the body of a whale"? What are we supposed to do,
piss off God and be swallowed by one?
Well, she also left you this.
Mr. Rhodes, hi. Um, as much as I appreciate
Mom's final desire to be whale food,
my brother and I need this inheritance
- for various personal issues, okay? - Yeah.
You know, your mother was really something special to me.
- What do you mean? - Me and a bunch of other local
free spirits, she would run around on various solstices,
you know, howling at the moon
and whatnot, naked running around a campfire.
Boy, that was something to see.
I'll never forget the first time I saw your mother's bosoms naked for the first time,
- glistening in the moonlight. - What the fuck is he talking about?
Two nipples erect like two silver bullets
pointing to the heavens. That woman could make
a man Wendingo at a moments notice, just ah ah.
Just fully cocked and erect and ready to take her
like the wild wood nymph she was.
Uh...
- All right. - Look, what you do
with your mother's assets is your own business.
My only horse in this race,
is to be sure that you fulfill the obligations
that your mother's requested.
That's the least I could do for her.
So I'm here to tell you what.
This will be done or no dice.
You got me?
You got me? Good.
Good. Well, I will need periodic photographic updates
to keep me abreast of your progress, and, of course,
I'll need proof that the ashes have reached their...
intended destination.
All right. Well, your time starts now.
Good luck, and I look forward to hearing from you,
and I hope you can have a nice day,
poochies.
We'll grab some things from the house, go to the funeral home, snag the ashes and get going.
You're not actually thinking of doing this, are you?
Do we have a choice? You heard him.
These were her final wishes. We have to honor that.
Final wishes, Brandon? Mom also wished you were the daughter
she never had, okay? You were this close to being one
of those kid gender reassignment horror stories you hear about on the news.
Honestly, the idea of spending two days with you in a car
makes me wanna Oedipal my own eyeballs. But let me be frank,
I need to get to level five,
and I'm broke. Okay? I really need this money,
and so do you.
Please, Star.
- Who's Frank? - What?
You said you wanted to be Frank. Who's Frank?
- I don't understand. - It's a joke, Brandon.
Jesus, this is it's gonna be a long two days.
Could you please refrain from using the Lord's name in vain.
Oh, my God. A very long two days.
Seatbelt. By the way, we can't take the Prius.
- What? Why? - My lease is almost up,
and I can't afford to put the miles on it.
- So what are we driving? - Nostalgia.
At least if we run out of dough, we can always sleep in here.
Yeah, not really.
Mom had the whole thing cleared out. Look.
Beds and all.
- Do what? - Yeah. She used it to deliver animals
for the ASPCA, so that's why the, uh, cages.
- What's with all the spray paint? - What? Oh.
The spray paint, uh, that was her little protest anarchy group.
Her protest anarchy what, Brandon?
The whole, you know, save the animals thing.
If anyone in town did anything to hurt an animal, then
in came Mom and her merry gang of tricksters,
- and busted out the spray paint. - Good to know Mom was a tagger.
- Yeah. - How much confidence do you have that this bucket
- will actually make it? - This old girl?
I'm cautiously optimistic actually.
We're so getting stranded
and gang raped by a clan of rabid hillbillies
somewhere in the Ozarks.
Socially sensitive as always.
- Nice. - Again, it's a joke, Brandon.
- It's not a joke. - My God.
It's like your funny bone disappeared right around adolescence.
- About the time you started getting your period. - That's not how it is, okay?
We just have a slight difference of opinion
as to what funny is, okay?
Rape is not funny.
Rape by itself, Brandon, isn't funny. Okay?
Rape brought on by an absurd road trip
to bury your mother's ashes in the body of a whale
with your brother who hates you and your shitkicker RV stalls
in the middle of nowhere, where some toothless roaming gang
of Manson-family rejects has their way with you,
now that is funny.
- I don't hate you, Star. - What?
I don't hate you. I just...
I don't understand you sometimes.
Well, I don't exactly have you nailed down either.
- No. - My guess is one of us is adopted.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. Muffler Man.
- What? - Muffler Man. Over there. Over there.
Turn, turn, turn. It's the Muffler Man!
- Over there! Just turn! - All right.
- It's not that hard. You just gotta turn. - Okay, okay.
- Do you want me to help you turn the wheel? - Get off the wheel.
- Star. - It's so easy. Just go like this.
- All right. Quickly, okay? - Yeah. Just so quick.
Nothing bad's gonna happen. Give me the keys.
Whoo!
- What are we doing here? - Evidence. Come on.
- Star. - Come on. Look!
Who said there's no culture in middle America, huh?
- We really need to get back on the road. - Look at that.
- What is that?
- Come over here. - Why?
Stop right there.
Don't move.
Okay. Say cheese.
Come on, Brandon, don't be a party pooper.
This the family road trip you always wanted. Just move.
Just that way, just a little to the left. That way.
Okay, stop, stop, stop.
- And catch! - What the heck is that?
One thing I can count on, Bran Bran, your utter lack of athleticism.
What are you doing? What was that for?
Having a great time, Mr. Rhodes.
Wish you were here, especially Brandon.
- Wait. - X-O, X-O.
- What? You're not sending... - Sent.
- Yeah. Let's go get a Slurpee. - I don't wanna get a...
Do you ever wonder what it's all really about?
Seriously? Did someone slip a cliché pill in your drink this morning, huh?
Don't tell me you're actually having a pang of meaning and purpose?
Yep. And it's sitting in my colon right next to my heat lamp bean burrito.
That's disgusting.
Seriously, what's your take?
Well, I mean, if you really wanna know,
I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It's... it's... it's confusing.
There's... there's lots... lots going on, you know?
That's your answer?
Your agnostic sister just opened Pandora's Biblebox
to talk about Jesus, life, and all that BS, and your answer
- is "I'm not exactly sure"? - Well, I'm not.
Jesus, delusional much, Brandon?
- Can you stop using his name... - FYI, when I say his name,
it's not because I'm cursing him. It's because I see him
sitting there on your shoulder, like this little miniature
- white-robed Jesus cockatoo. - What?
And you should feel so cool, Brandon.
You're like the Beretta of born-again Christians.
Beretta? Isn't that a gun?
- How long till our next stop? - Not soon enough, okay?
So just let me drive.
- Look at that church. - No one wants to go to church.
- Just saying, nice church. - It's Tuesday.
It's a nice church.
Do you go to church every Sunday?
- Yeah. - Every Sunday?
When was the last time you went to church, Star?
- I would burn when I walked in. - Just leave it, all right?
I don't want to talk to you about this anymore.
- Look! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God. - So what? It's not that cool.
- Do you smell that? - Did you fart?
I'm not five anymore.
- Was that you? - That's a skunk.
- No, I think that's you. - It's a skunk, Star.
- Whoever smelt it dealt it. - It's a skunk.
Look at that shit that's burning in the distance. Do you see that?
Look. I bet it's not good for the ozone layer.
Do you even fart or does it go back up inside you?
All right. Shut up.
Do you tan your legs?
Do you just decide never to go out?
I'm trying to even it out.
- Stop looking at my shorts. - They're so up high.
I'm not talking about your boobs or anything.
They shouldn't be like so up there.
Just leave me alone.
- What... - ...in the right places.
- Great landing, Brandon. - Thank you, Star.
- You know how to drive this. - Thank you, Star.
- Do you think we should, uh... - Leave Mom?
I don't think she's going anywhere.
This doesn't look like a Motel 6.
Because it's not. It's Aunt Jackie's place.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - Don't start, okay?
Mom hadn't talked to Aunt Jackie in years, Brandon.
I'd venture to say there's a good reason for that.
I know, but money is tight, all right?
And she's expecting us. She wants us here.
Just be cool. Keep your opinions to yourself.
You can always stay in the van if you don't wanna.
I just figured that she and Herr Randal would have moved
down to Argentina where Mossad couldn't find them.
They're not Nazis, Star.
They're social conservatives, okay?
Who aren't afraid to wear their feelings on their sleeves...
It's too bad those sleeves are attached to flowing white robes and matching face-hoods.
Listen, this would've been really important to Mom, okay? So it's important to me.
Please be nice. Here you go.
All right.
Smile.
- Oh... - Hello.
Uh-oh, Jackie. Lock down the neighborhood.
They're letting Yankee Pinko's in left and right!
Randal, stop it. Don't pay attention to him.
Come and love your Aunt Jackie's neck!
- All right. - Come here.
I was a little bit worried
it was those damn heathen Jehovah's Witnesses again.
- Hey. - All right.
Come on, Randal. You know Jehovah Witnesses
are just like Christians. They're just a little more eccentric.
They're a cult. Them and the Mormons.
In my book, anybody that dresses alike, definitely a cult.
Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Star, Brandon,
this is your cousin, Little Pepe.
- Our cousin. - Little Pepe.
And the operative phrase tonight, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
Well, we've already eaten,
but you're welcome to join us for dessert.
We waited.
We made enough for five.
Welcome to our home, huh?
- Okay. - Welcome to our home. Actually,
bienvenido a la casa de Hillhouse.
We're learning Spanish for little Pepe here.
Uh, Randal, why don't you take their bags upstairs,
and we will go into the dining room for dessert. Okay?
That's right. Okay. Pepe,
me algunos platos de la cocina, ahora.
Andale!
Please come in. Mi casa es su casa.
Wow. It's, uh, it's... it's a beautiful home.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, you have got your mama's eyelashes.
- Look at how long they are. - Oh, dear God.
I was hoping you would notice this.
I've been collecting for years.
You know, he was in St. Joe once. Came to christen a Walmart
and Channel 6 news, the Channel 6 news,
came here to do a story on my collection.
I just want you to both to know that God...
God definitely has a very twisted sense of humor.
- I don't understand. - Uh, Star, she just finished his autobiography.
That I did, Brandon.
Well, what did you think? I mean, didn't you find it insightful?
I definitely had quite the experience with it.
That's wonderful. That's wonderful.
Let's sit.
Let's have some torta.
As foster parents, we really feel
it's very important to integrate Pepe's
native culture in to his daily life.
For instance, learning the language
My favorite is Taco Thursdays.
Pepe, you can go fetch the cake now, okay?
La torta, Pepe. Ahora.
You are gonna love this cake.
We got it at a bakery downtown.
Run by an oriental family.
- I think you mean Asian family. - No, they're not Asian.
- I think they might be Chinese. - I think they might be Japanese
or, uh, Taiwanese, Vietnamese.
Somewhere in the rice belt where I don't want to go.
I don't know. I mean, it doesn't really matter. They all look the same, so...
- Randal. - What?
Look, you gotta be honest with yourself.
They might look at us and think we all look the same.
- Did you ever think about that? - They all have their own distinct cultures,
histories, languages, arts.
I mean, what you're saying, Uncle Randal, is, uh, well, it's kinda racist.
You know what?
The boy is right.
Let me tell you a true story. When I came back to Missouri
from Iraq 1, the first place I went
was the Bamboo Hut. It's right there off U.S. Highway 50.
And I ordered the specialty of the house, cashew chicken.
And then it hit me.
Well, this is what it's all about.
All of it. This is what we're fighting for.
I mean, all of the military and the fighting and the maiming
and the killing, cashew chicken.
Because what is cashew chicken?
It's breaded chicken in some oyster sauce,
and you sprinkle some cashews on it. Voila.
What do you have? Exotic foreign dish.
Now, you take the same breaded chicken,
and you serve it with some Heinz 57 ketchup,
boom, what do you got? Chicken nuggets.
Right? It's all the same. It all might look a little bit different, right?
But on the inside, it's all the same.
That is beautiful.
Thank you, Jackie.
Of course, I like to think that the best part of the chicken
is the white meat.
- Ahh! - Oh! There it is.
Look at that. Oriental chocolate cake.
Pepe, visto, no oído.
She just told him to sit down.
And to be quiet.
See?
All right. Pass your plate, son.
Um, so, what are the plans?
Gonna be a funeral?
Mom... she didn't want a funeral.
What? No funeral? I mean, is a preacher at least gonna bury her?
Mom didn't really care for preachers either.
Houston, we have a problem.
She just lived her life in a certain way and felt that
her death should be consistent with that, that's all.
I am not one to gossip, but I have to say this
because it's on my heart. I feel you two are doomed
- to go down the same path. - We have ignition.
- What path are you referring to exactly? - Well, damnation.
Damnation. And I don't just mean spiritually.
I mean life in general. I've known
you two had challenges even as children.
Challenges?
Go for it. I'm just sitting here eating my cake being cool.
With all due respect, Aunt Jackie,
you don't even know Star and I.
We haven't seen you since we were kids.
And if I'm not mistaken, Mom left the house at what, 17?
And she only got a hold of you a handful of times over the years.
- So, I don't believe... - Yeah. That was really my choice
because I did not need to keep a relationship
with a sister who couldn't keep her legs closed.
- Whoa, what? - We have liftoff.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I think she just straight up
- called Mom a slut. - Okay.
All right. Jackie, just...
No. Let me talk. They're adults.
Your mother was selfish through and through,
and her inability to give you any guidance whatsoever
is the reason that you are the way you are.
Aunt Jackie, can I ask a question, and you can tell me the truth.
Um, was Uncle Randal not giving you the hard and heavy like you like it?
- Why... - Excuse me?
Because I'm sensing someone had a shag
with the gardener and was just too afraid to admit it.
- Star... - All right. Now, we're not gonna have that talk.
Come on. Pepe's not from a foster program, right?
I mean, you banged your way to free child labor. I mean,
- come on. - Okay. I understand your need to inject
levity into an uncomfortable situation.
Right. Like Pablo the pool man injected his spicy bean burrito into you.
- I mean, I'm just saying like it is. - Star!
Okay. That... that's it. Pepe, come on.
Okay. No. Bedtime. Come on, sweetie.
You're not funny.
- No, you're not. - Okay.
Buenos noches, señorita.
Buenos noches, Pepe.
That's polite.
You're not. And I'm not a racist.
I've got a brown boy living in my house.
Apparently you've mistaken my active disciplined
and present role in my child's life as something it's not.
But then again, I guess you wouldn't know what
a present role is, would you, Star?
- Meaning? - How is your daughter?
I haven't heard you mention her at all.
- I didn't say anything. - No, you don't have to.
You don't exactly scream Mother of the Year Award.
Yeah. We're done with cake time.
There's extra blankets on the guest bed.
I'd like it if you were out of here by breakfast.
You might want to pull back on throwing stones, Star.
You're not gonna be able to see your own house with all the cracks.
That went well, huh?
You just couldn't go with it could you?
- Go with what, Brandon? - You know how Jackie and Randal are.
It's like you can sense their aggravation and you just went for the jugular.
She deserved it. You heard what she said about Mom.
Oh. I feel like I'm being slowly gassed
by this low-hanging cloud of hypocrisy.
Wow, are we poetic at 2:00 a.m.
You didn't even like Mom.
I think the case could even be made that you hated her.
She said one thing and you just jumped all over Jackie.
You think I hated Mom?
Well, yeah, didn't you?
Love, like, hate,
grow up, Brandon.
They're all versions of the same thing.
Right. Yeah.
Grow up. Me grow up.
No. No. There's no way.
No. No, there's no way. No way. No how. I mean...
I mean, I'm stressed and it's in the middle of the night
and I can't sleep and no one's coming.
Well, except me, obviously.
Fuck it.
Okay.
Star, you've officially gone past sick and twisted,
but you're rounding the corner
to full on perverse.
Okay. Okay, Georgie.
Oh, come on. Georgie!
Sexy Cowboy!
Oh, Georgie!
What in the holy hell?
I... thought... I thought you were an intruder.
Unreal, Star.
You are a sick girl.
Why would you bring that kind of behavior into our home?
You're defiled my George Bush corner.
Well, it definitely gives your Channel 6 news story a run for its money, doesn't it?
I want you out! Out!
Pepe!
You want some?
What do you think is in these things?
Oh, the good ol' not talking to Star game.
Mature.
Lips and assholes.
Excuse me?
Lips and assholes. That's what's in them.
How fitting.
What do you mean how fitting?
It's a "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" quote, okay?
And here we are on a road trip. You see? Fitting.
Ah, right genre. John Hughes.
Wrong movie. "Great Outdoors," Ebert.
You know, John Wayne
said that you can never trust a guy who doesn't drink
or get his John Hughes references correct.
That's a fact.
So, there's something I have to tell you.
- What? - Well, it's not that easy to say,
- so I just have to blurt it out. - Oh, this ought to be good.
I masturbate to George Bush.
Yeah. Yeah, I know. I was there. Front row, remember?
No. I don't think you understand. It's not the first time.
- You've done this before? - Yeah.
- Just Junior Bush or Senior too? - Brandon!
- What? - I'm sick, but I'm not that sick.
Although... no W, he's the one.
There you have it. That is what I do.
You've pulled a lot of shit over the years, Star, but this
- this is fucked. - I evidently have sexual compulsion disorder.
- Oh. - I'm getting much better. I now have the tools
to reflect any expressionary relief back on myself.
- Back on yourself. - Yeah.
- By masturbating. - Yeah. A lot.
- Right. - Yeah, a whole lot.
Gotcha. Okay.
Thank you for that. That's great.
- What about you? - What about me?
When was the last time you, you know?
When was the last time I what?
- What is that? - Oh, my God, it's like
pulling teeth with you. When's the last time you...
you know,
- polished the bishop? - I'm not talking about this
- with you. - What? Days? Weeks? Months? What?
Not... not talking about this with you.
What? If you can't talk to your sister, Brandon,
- who can you tell? - Anyone but my sister.
Oh, my God.
- Two. - Two weeks?
God. That's why you're so pent up.
Two months? You haven't gotten off in two months?
Two months? I would die.
No, Star.
Oh, my God. Brandon.
What?
Two years. So what? Two years. It's no big deal.
Not a big deal?
- I mean, is everything in working order down there? - Yes.
Everything is in working order down here, thank you very much.
We're just not all jackrabbits like you.
But two years, Brandon? I hate to tell you,
but that's not normal for a guy. That is not normal for a gay guy.
Okay? I'm surprised you haven't gone into Starbucks and gone completely postal.
Maybe some people in this car have a little bit more self worth than others, huh?
- You ever thought about that? - For someone who doesn't like a dick,
see a dick, or want to play with a dick, you've certainly got being one down pat.
Yeah. Well, for someone who sees them all the time apparently,
you sure talk about them a lot, you know that?
I already admitted I have issues. What is your excuse?
Excuse? Sometimes the solution of a problem
is not obsessing every second of the day
on the obsession, okay? You're not an animal, Star.
Be evolved. Try it. It's the latest rage.
I liked you better when you weren't judging my life.
I liked you better when you weren't prying into mine.
- Fine! - Fine!
Oh, my God, Brandon!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. They're dead!
I was distracted by your bullshit.
Why are you talking to me about George... what are you...
- Look how sad they look! What do we do? - Put them down!
You're touching them? They've got rabies.
Oh, my...
oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
Oh, I can't. Oh, God.
What do you want to do with them?
We can't leave them here. You murdered their mother.
Why was she crossing with her whole family? That's so irresponsible.
Don't they have instincts for this kind of stuff?
There she was minding her own business,
taking her little otter family to her little otter home
on their little otter river, when bam!
- Instant otter orphans. - Yeah, alright. Okay, I get it.
It breaks my heart too, but all right, we gotta go. We don't have time for this.
No! Some hawk will probably pick them off like little popcorn shrimp. No.
Just... what do you want to do?
No. No.
No!
- I don't think this is sanitary. - What?
Them! They're diseased probably.
- What do you mean "diseased"? - Diseased, like...
- bird flu. - They're otters, Brandon.
Not chickens. How can otters have bird flu?
- This is kinda funny. - What's kinda funny?
You being on hell-bent on save the otters.
- It's called humanity. - No. That's not the reason it's funny.
It's funny 'cause this is precisely what Mom would do.
This is like Mom down to a T. She would absolutely do
exactly the same thing, and here you are...
I guess the apple doesn't fall off far from the tree after all.
Yeah, what do I know?
Just a stupid observation.
Is that what I think it is?
- We have to go there. - Look at the time, okay?
- We really want to keep going. - Brandon, just live a little!
For God's sake, crack the windows for the babies and let's go.
Plus it's picture time again.
Great.
Star, really? Can we just snap a picture
and get back on the road? Plus, we can't leave your...
- rodents for too long. - A, they're not rodents.
Rodents aren't cute. Anything that's cute
instantly disqualifies itself as a rodent.
Hence why the jury is still out on you.
And B, you gotta give me five minutes to ride
the tilt-a-whirl, 'cause little known fact, it's a law
when you come to the fair you have to ride the tilt-a-whirl.
Oh, and you also have to get fingered in the spooky house,
but I'll you off the hook on that one.
Your levels of inappropriateness,
they never cease to amaze me.
That's why you love me. That's why you love me...
- Oh, God. - ...so much.
I can't say God, I'm religious.
Can you hurry up? It's like you're literally
- dragging me backwards. - Stop marching around.
I feel like your legs are so small.
You've got such good muscle tone in your legs
that I feel like you would walk faster.
Just stop dragging me.
- I'm not your child. - Just stride.
Try to use your leg force
- and propel you forward. - I like my walk, leave me alone.
- Hey. Just stand right there. - What? Why?
- Just do it, okay? - What do you want me to do?
- Shrug like this. - Why? I'm not...
Just do it! Be a good sport, please?
Just shrug, and look over and go "cheese!"
- Why? - Just do it!
- Just go "cheese!" Go. - Then we're going, okay?
Be a good sport, Brandon!
- Cheese! - And, sent.
- Wait. No. Did you not... - Who wants a corndog? I'm buying.
- Let me see that. - Just come on!
I don't want a corndog.
Ah.
Hey! Hey there, little guy.
Excuse me, is this your child?
- No? - Okay. Thank you.
- Helpful - Are you lost?
Where's your momma, huh? You don't know?
- What do you think? - I don't know. I mean,
this isn't like the otters. We can just stick him in a cage and put him in the RV.
It's gotta be against some law somewhere.
We can't just leave him, Brandon.
I know. I was joking, all right.
You're right. Let me just, uh,
I'll go find an office. Maybe they can make an announcement or something.
Will you stay here in case the parents come back,
- Star? - Yeah.
Okay.
You want to get some corndogs with me? Yeah?
Okay. Why don't you come with me. Let's go.
This is gonna be fun in here.
Ahh! Look at all those games!
Do you see those? And all the lights? Yeah?
Okay. There's a corndog stand over there,
I'm gonna get you a few corndogs and then I'll come back. Okay?
Sit over here and I'll back in two seconds.
High five. Yay.
Hey, what can I do you for?
Can I get three corndogs, please?
You don't look familiar. Are you from around here?
Does it look like I am?
I could show you around.
I'm good, thanks. How much do I owe you?
Well, they could be on the house.
As enticing as it is
to trade sexual favors for processed meats
and fried cornmeal on a stick,
I think I'll pass. I have to get back to...
Uh... Excuse me, have you seen a little boy here?
- No. - Shit.
Shit.
Double shit. Excuse me. Have you seen a little boy?
He's about four years old. Triple shit.
Okay, Star? Good news. I found the office.
They have a lost and found. They said just bring him... where is he?
- I lost him. - Are you joking?
Where? I turned my back for a split second and...
- and he's gone. - Damn it, Star.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
- This is what you always do. - What do I always do?
What do you always do. You fuck everything up.
Wait, what what are you...
Star.
Star! Oh, God dammit.
- Hey. What you doing? - Nothing.
The parents found the kid by the way.
Someone took him back to the office, and they were waiting for him, so...
- Thank God. - Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you mad?
No.
You?
No. I'm, uh...
I'm sorry.
You must think I'm an awful person.
- What? - Come on, Brandon.
You don't have to dance around it. I mean, what kind of mother...
basically abandons her daughter?
I mean, who does that, right?
- Star, there's... - I just need to hear it from you, Brandon.
I need you to tell me
what an awful person I am and how screwed up I am.
I need you to tell me that, please.
I'm not judging you, Star.
I just think that there's more to you.
You could be so much more.
- You could be... - Be what, Brandon?
You could be better.
I want to tell you something.
When Chelsea was young and I was still living with Mitch,
she got sick, okay? She got really, really sick.
Fever through the roof, dripping with sweat,
and I was home alone. Let me tell you, I was overwhelmed.
I didn't want to tell Mom, I thought she would think that I did something wrong.
And in some strange way,
I thought she was gonna die that night,
that she was gonna die right there in my arms.
She was so beautiful, and she was so sick.
And I thought, this is it, right?
This is my fault. God gave me this beautiful...
this beautiful little girl
to take her away from me and to teach me a lesson, right?
Because that's what I do, Brandon.
It's what I do, and it's who I am.
Who are you, Star?
I'm broken, Brandon.
I hurt people, and I let them down,
and I know that.
It's in my DNA.
I am the way I am with Chelsea
because the only...
chance she has in this life
is for me as far away from her as possible.
She's just...
she's just better off without me.
That's not true.
You know...
you know one of the things that they pounded into us at these retreats?
Perfection, true perfection,
is not when there's nothing more to add.
It's when there's nothing left to take away.
And that means?
Fuck if I know.
And that's the bullshit you've been learning for all these months?
Like, that's it? That's, like, what you get from that?
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I've been spending my money on.
That's good, right?
You should stop spending your money.
Oh...
yeah.
It's gonna be okay.
Well, it could be worse.
Till we find a dead body under the bed.
Okay, guys, welcome to your new home.
We are one big happy family.
"Family." It's gotta be one of the most perverse words in the English language.
- Do you actually feel that way? - No, Star.
It's just a quip with our shtick, right?
Our witty repartee. Don't overthink it.
- Oh, God, yeah. - I feel sorry for you.
- Excuse me? - Not in a condescending holier-than-thou way, I just...
every time I look at you, Brandon,
all I see is pain.
- You see what? Pain? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm fine, okay? - Are you?
Just because we had a little moment earlier,
doesn't give you the right to vivisect my brain, okay?
Would you please stop pretending to care so much?
Well, I'm your older sister,
and that is what we do.
Yeah. Well, don't strain yourself.
You know what? You're exactly like Mom.
- It's not even funny. - Excuse me?
Just pretending to care when you haven't given a shit
about anyone but yourself for years.
- That's the truth. - Our mother
was more than likely a manic bipolar paranoid
schizophrenic, but thank you for the compliment.
I know this sounds like jack shit,
but families are complex, Brandon. Okay?
- Yeah. - Just ask the Donner party.
Some of them were family members, and they ate each other, so...
God. Everything is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
I tell jokes. I try to laugh, because if I didn't, I'd be crying all the effing time.
All right. Well, I'm not laughing anymore, Star.
Where are you going?
At the end of the day, what's the difference?
When this is over, you're just gonna leave anyway.
What are you talking about?
I'm going for a drink.
- Don't do anything I wouldn't do. - Yeah.
Shit.
Is this seat taken?
No.
Mind if I...
Bartender, can I get one more, please?
- Coming right up. - Thank you.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Slow night, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. Pretty dead.
Yeah.
Then again, that's pretty much always how it is around here.
I'm, uh, I'm J.T., by the way.
J.T.?
J.T. Good to meet you, J.T.
You're not from around here, are you?
How'd you guess?
Well, the shorts helped.
So, J.T.,
what does that stand for?
Jesus Todd.
What?
- Jesus Todd? - Jesus Todd.
How do you end up with a name like Jesus Todd?
First name's Todd,
but I grew up in a houseful of older brothers.
So every time I screwed up, even most of the time when I wasn't,
everybody was always yelling out, "Jesus, Todd."
I guess it stuck.
Rich.
You're name's Rich?
No. I'm, uh,
I'm Brandon. Brandon.
Well, okay, Brandon Brandon.
What you drinking?
A lot.
- Well, here's to drinking a lot. - All right.
Cheers, Jesus Todd.
It's for being the mother you want to be.
You do so much to shape your baby's future.
- Well, me and mom, we are really... - This is ridiculous.
The baby would probably prefer to remain with its mother,
but she's never far away.
Oh, come on, Universe.
What am I supposed to do with my life?
No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, and stop.
It was as if our entire country looked into a mirror
and saw our better selves.
We were reminded that we are citizens
with obligations to each other,
to our country, and to history,
and the good we can do.
For too long our culture has said
"if it feels good, do it."
Now America is embracing a new ethic
and a new creed.
Hello?
Hello? Is someone there?
- Hey, Mitch, it's me. - Star...
Christ. Do you know what time it is?
I'm gonna fight for her, Mitch.
I'm gonna fight for her.
I'm not going anywhere.
Not this time.
I just wanted you to know, so...
That's great, Star. You... you know,
it's nice of you to show up now
all of sudden and say you're gonna fight for her,
but, what...
Easy, easy, easy!
All right, all right, all right.
Hey! Not on the first date, all right?
- My sister said not to do anything... - Uh...
- well, she's a complete slut, so, whatever, but... - Jesus Christ.
Hey, be a gentleman, okay?
- A gentleman? - A gentleman.
Good things come to those who wait.
- Oh, yeah. - And if you wait long enough,
then you might come.
Yeah.
You're a comedian, you know that?
What the fuck...?
- Fuck are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing?
- I'm looking for your tonsils. - Hey, hey. I'm straight, okay?
I'm not gay.
- You're straight? - Yeah.
Yeah. And I'm the prince of Siam.
Or, uh, would that be, uh, Princess?
Get the fuck away from me, you queer!
- What the fuck is your problem? - My problem?
You're the faggot.
Okay.
Okay. I see what this is.
You're, like, what...
two, two-and-a-half years from praying away the gay?
Or do you think you're the first one to go down that road?
'Cause you sure as shit ain't the first city queer to wander out here.
Fucking head case out of towners.
Fuck you say?
Look, Mary.
It ain't that complicated.
See, this whole educate the gay youth of America thing,
it ain't my goddamn job.
We're either here to fuck
or we aren't.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Wait.
What?
- Oh! - Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fucking fag!
Fuck you, you fucking fag! Fuck!
Fuck you!
Fuck you.
Fuck you!
Oh, my God!
- Huh? - Brandon? Hey.
Go back to sleep, Star.
Please.
Oh, my God, Brandon.
- What happened? - Nothing.
Just... just go back to sleep.
Did someone hurt you?
Oh, my God.
I hurt somebody.
Hey, hey, you're okay.
You're okay. Hey, you're safe.
You're okay. You're okay. Hey, you're okay.
Hey, hey. Shh.
You're okay.
Hi, babies. There you go.
They're so cute.
- Hey. - Hey.
You wanna talk?
Not really.
How do you feel?
Like a truck ran over my brain and put it back inside.
And the other guy, is he...
I have a hazy memory of him running away,
so I'm sure he's fine.
Brandon?
Yes, Star?
Nothing.
I'm here.
I know. I can see you.
No. I'm not here. I'm...
I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere,
and, um,
I just thought you should know.
The other day you asked me what my take is.
- Remember? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I've been thinking about it a lot recently.
I've been trying to figure it out.
Trying to figure out a lot of stuff.
I've always had this image in my head
of me sitting on the edge of a pool,
kind of like this.
My feet are in the water, and
I could feel the bottom with my toes.
And as long as I can feel the bottom, I'm good.
I'll be fine.
But recently, the past few months,
it scares me 'cause I...
I can't feel it anymore.
It just goes on forever and ever, you know?
Probably doesn't make much sense.
It actually makes a lot of sense.
I'm lost, Star.
I'm really lost.
Bad lost.
Everything is slipping away from me,
and it scares the fuck out of me.
Does it sound like a heap of shit to say that
I don't really have the answers, Brandon,
but I do love you.
Truthfully?
Yeah.
- From you it does. - You're so mean.
Okay. Well, you must be hungry, because I hear
a night of gay bashing can really work up an appetite so...
There's a Quick Stop around the corner. Do you want anything?
Yeah, I'll meet you over there.
We gotta get going soon though, okay?
Star?
Yeah?
Thank you.
No problem.
Pick your poison.
Fortified with essential glutamates and preservatives
or little fried ringlets of the mystery meat.
Hey.
Uh, nice eyes?
It's an exercise, right?
In what... Geisha?
In the program, they teach us to implement one component
of our new lives as an expression of our manhood.
So, I thought I'd do the opposite.
No? What do you think?
Brandon,
just because you decided to poke your head out
of your closet a little bit, doesn't mean the guy
that pops out has to be Boy George.
Boy George? Oh, my God.
This looks ridiculous. Where's... is this just water?
It's not coming off.
- How do you get this stuff off? - Not so fast, Jack Sparrow.
It just looks crazy.
You're a good woman, Star.
You're a good woman too, Brandon.
Asshole.
Holy tingling moose cock.
Either it's real or a bad batch of acid
from the ninth grade has leaked into my spinal cord,
hitched a ride on an aneurysm and leaked into my brain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Star, Star, we don't have much time here.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know,
but I feel like I'm the Millennium Falcon
on the Death Star's tractor beam.
I can't help myself.
Nice star.
You know my name?
Guys, bring it down a notch. Come on.
Lady's allowed to get some Skittles if she wants to.
It is a free country.
Yesterday these meatheads almost took out an entire group
of church seniors whose bus passed me by while I was jogging.
I told them, "Hey, guys, guys,
only shoot the ones that don't have their RNC cards on 'em."
That was a joke.
Whew. You're a tough crowd.
I just want you to know that the door is closed between us.
- Excuse me, missy? - The door,
it's closed between us.
It's over. Okay?
Well, alrighty then.
Thanks, Sam. I'll see you around
- Sam? - See you, Mr. President?
Mr. President.
Okay.
Well?
Was it everything you hoped it'd be?
Yeah. I think it was.
- Thanks. - Could I help you two with anything?
I think my sister just broke it off with George W.,
so we're good, sir. You have a good day, okay?
- Bye! - Come on, come on.
Let's go.
Holy shit, Star. We have less than 30 minutes to do this.
What's the plan? Pretty sure you can't just walk up there
and throw something inside the whale's mouth.
- What about your otters? - Oh, good point. Keys.
They're a family, and family needs air conditioning. Okay.
We're not taking the otters.
Plus I've learned from experience that a fast getaway
is needed, so it's good to, you know,
- leave the car running. - Good to know.
Hurry up!
- Okay. Where is it? - I don't know.
We'll just keep looking.
- I can't see anything, Brandon. - You're right. It's all right.
- Gotta be in here somewhere. - Brandon, there it is.
- Oh, my... - Wow.
Okay. Okay. All right.
Uh, what... what do we do?
So now, if you follow me,
we've got a special treat for you.
It's the behind-the-scenes tour with our star,
- Sasha the whale! - Brandon...
You'll get to see an intimate feeding session
- Shh. - It's gonna be Christmas and Halloween
all in one. Right this way.
- Let's go, alright? - Alright.
Here at the Roderick Texas Aquarium,
we're not only famous for our over 3,000
different aquatic species, but also
for our most famous resident, Sasha the whale.
- There she is. - Behind this reinforced corrugated steel tank
is 360 metric tons of ionized,
purified salt water.
We've recreated an orca's natural environment
to give her the utmost comfort here at the park.
Sasha's an orca, or according to her scientific classification,
an orcinus orca. She's an adolescent female
and weights three-and-a-half tons. That's heavy.
If this works and we don't get arrested,
I will walk through downtown Des Moines butt naked.
Don't worry. She can't get out of there.
She's harmless anyway.
Jesus Christ.
- Okay, Sherlock. What's the plan here? - Um...
How exactly are we gonna get that thing to swallow Mom's ashes? Seriously.
Okay. We need a fish. That's what we need.
- Are you crazy? - Why?
I have seen this movie. It ends up with my arm
being chomped off by a killer whale
while the whole thing is streamed on YouTube
by that little girl over there. We have a friend.
- Seriously, we need a plan. - We have exactly seven minutes to do this,
shoot a picture over to Ira or all of this was for not. Seriously.
Come on. Look how far we've come. Please.
This isn't the real Sasha.
- Huh? - The real Sasha passed away.
- This is Sasha number two. - Good to know.
Okay. And that wraps up our special behind-the-scenes tour.
Everyone here at the Roderick Texas Aquarium
hopes you had a whale of a day.
Well, everyone follow me.
Open it.
- Open it. - I think you should do it, okay?
No. No. You're the man, open it.
I'm a bitter, confused potential atheist.
Gender does not come into play here.
- You do it. - Brandon! I'll do it.
Careful. Careful.
Hey, Mom.
- This is it? - Yeah, that's Mom.
What do... where's the rest of her?
What do you mean "rest of her?" Without being graphic,
this is what happens when they incinerate your whole body.
That's what's left.
Brandon.
- What? What's wrong with it? - She was always so there, right?
Isn't this crazy? I mean, her whole life reduced to this. It's just...
- It's so simple. - That's life.
- I know it's crazy, but... - What are you doing with that?
Um, we're just, uh, you know, wanting to spend an extra few minutes with Sasha is all.
- Yeah. - Yeah. We're, uh, we're friends with her.
Yeah. Yeah. We just, uh, want to give her a snack and,
you know, say our goodbyes. So why don't you run off to your parents
and... and we'll do just that, okay? Okay.
- Snack? - Yeah. Yeah.
A snack because, um, we...
- are friends with her. - Friends with her.
Yeah. Okay. Listen.
- Get that fish from there. - I can't...
- Shove the packet in its mouth... - I can't do the...
And throw the thing over to Sasha.
I can't do the raw fish. I have a thing.
- What do you mean? - I gag with raw fish.
- I can't go anywhere near a raw fish. - Brandon, Brandon,
you're gay, okay? Gays love sushi.
It's a new genetic code. You'll be fine.
As long as we don't bring too much attention
to ourselves, everything's gonna be fine...
- They're playing with Sasha. - kay. Brandon the jig is up.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Okay, okay.
Brandon get the biggest fish, the biggest fish!
Get the biggest one and come over.
Now, shove the packet in its mouth.
- Shove it in its mouth. - Oh, my God.
- oh, my God. - I can't do it.
It's not gonna fit inside his mouth, Star.
You're gonna have to rip it open and hand stuff it.
- So rip the bag open. - Okay. Hang on.
- Rip it open, rip it open. - Just give me one second.
- Okay, okay. Just try. Just try. - I got this.
- Just give it to me. Okay. - Let me tear it. Hang on.
Okay. Just hurry up! Give it to me!
- Let go of it for two seconds! - No! You let go, Brandon.
Oh!
I, uh...
- what do we do? - I don't know. Try and put her back.
I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, God.
"Dear Poochies,
wow, you really did it. I was just fucking with you."
Oh, God.
"Who wants to be swallowed by a whale anyway?
Hope this brought you together.
That was my real last wish. Love, Mom."
- Well... - Well, what do you want to do now?
I don't know.
Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Mom!
Hey! You guys, what are you doing?
Run. Run.
- What? - Wait, wait.
Let's get a picture, come on!
Cheese!
Okay. Run! Go!
Go, go, go, go!
I think we lost them! Go B! The other way!
- Go! Hurry up, hurry up! - Get in, get in, get in, get in.
Oh, God, oh, God. Check the otters, check the otters!
Okay, they're good.
- Are they okay? - Yeah.
- Here we go. - One second.
- We have to. One second. - What? Star!
Just one second, Brandon! I have to! One second.
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
We don't have time for this.
Come oh, hurry up, they're coming!
Come on! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Okay. - Get in, get in, get in!
For Mom. Go!
- Go, go, go! - There they are!
Go! Whoo!
We love you, Mom!
You're crazy, Star. You are crazy.
- Go, go, go! - Goodbye!
- Ah-ooo! - Whoo!
Oo-oo-ooh! Oh, shit, this is a one way.
This is a one way. We're good. We're good.
Alright.
- Let's do it. - Okay.
Alright.
Now, the map said it's a protected landmark area, so
- it should be nice. - Hurry up!
- Come on! - I'm coming!
Uh, Brandon?
Whoa, what is that?
- Is that... - A sign.
- Come on. Come on! - All right.
Let's do it!
Right here. Okay. Let's say a prayer.
- Okay. - Okay.
Dear Heavenly Father,
thank you for this beautiful and very relevant
setting for our friends here.
Family, come on.
Family.
Please watch over them and guide them
for the rest of their little lives.
- Amen. - A-woman.
Okay. Hey, guys, listen up.
This the real world, okay?
This ain't gonna be easy.
There are storms and hunters and alligators
that are gonna eat you. But my advice.
You stick together, you're family,
and you'll be just fine.
Okay. Let's do this. On three?
On three.
One, two, three. Whoo!
- Whoo! - Freedom!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Freedom!
Bye! Go!
- Be free! - Freedom!
Whoo!
- Wow. - They're so cute.
Good job, Star.
Home sweet home. Look at them go.
What do you think?
I think they're gonna be okay.
- And us? - Us?
Us.
We're pretty much fucked.
Where the hell are we?
Go over there and park over there,
and we'll make sure that we go and take our picture.
- You love taking pictures. - Ah!
You're so good at taking pictures.
- All right. - It's very good.
You're very distracting, okay? Let me drive.
- Very distracting. - Yes, we can go. Let me drive.
You know, sometimes I think Adele speaks like this.
This is a very good Adele accent.
Can you do an Adele accent
or an Aussie accent, mate? Good day, Mate,
how's it going? Have a beer and a shrimp on the barby.
Was an African over there, brother?
What's your favorite accident?
- They're all terrible. - How about you do an English accent?
Hello, Puppet,
I'm your governor.
That is terrible.
Can I have a cup of tea and scones?
- Right? - You are like the worst...
you should never do an English accent.
- That was good. - No. You should never do an English accent.
- I know I'm good. - Your English accent is like...
- Listen again. - Hello, puppet.
Care to have a cup of tea, Governor?
- That's perfect. - Oh, my God, Governor,
- my name's Adele. - That's perfect.
- My name's Adele. - Who's Adele?
She's... I don't know.
I'm just fucking with you. I know who Adele is.
Good day, mate.
That's a good Australian accent.
Cheers, mate.