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Welcome to Sparkhill Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

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MUSIC

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'They all know me.
You like my suit?'

4
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'Number one, Citizen Khan.'

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You all right in there, Naanijan?
'Haan.'

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(CLEARS PHLEGM)

7
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Right, who's in the bathroom?

8
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Don't tell me. Is it your
grandmother again? Come on!

9
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Dad! She's 80 years old!
When she went in, maybe!

10
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Dad! What? She's probably fallen
asleep! Can you hear any splashing?

11
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Exactly. Wakey wakey! We got
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for
breakfast!

12
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I got to be out the house in half
an hour. What's with the briefcase?

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The Pakistani Business Association
of Birmingham has invited me,

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your father, Mr Khan,
to their annual conference.

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Sounds great!

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Yes. I'll be networking with
some of the most important small
businessmen in the West Midlands.

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We got lunch, dinner, and name-tag.

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How much did you have to pay?
That's not important, Shazia.

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The main thing is,
your father is going up in the
world.

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You know, when I first came
to this country I had nothing.

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And here I am,
now only 30 years later,

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getting face time with the big
knobs.

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Very similar thing happened
to Lord Sir Alan Sugars.

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Come on! People are waiting!

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At this rate, I won't get time
for my three "shushes".

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What are they?
Shave, shower and... Dad!

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Shampoo!

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FLUSH IS PULLED

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Finally!

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SHE SPEAKS URDU

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Oh, God!

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She's been here three weeks, and
been stuck in the toilet every
single day!

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It's not broken, it's just sticky.

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You have to lift it up, pull to
the right and give it a firm yank.

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She can't do it.
Mum told you to fix that lock.

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Just lift it up
and give it a firm yank!

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Yeh kya keh raha hai idiot?

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I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn't
have to get his mother-in-law
out of the toilet every morning.

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Morning, Naanijaan. Everything OK?

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Cha!

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Haat! Haat!

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Amjad's here! Hello, Amjad.
Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, Naanijan.

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We've got to choose a colour for the
bedroom for when we're married!
What do you think of that one?

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It's nice. What about my bedroom?

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LAUGHTER

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You won't have your own room
when we're married, will you?

47
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Well, where will I be sleeping then?

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In our room. "Our" room? Yeah.
In the same bed?

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Yeah.

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What, every night?

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Yeah.

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Wow!

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KHAN CLEARS PHLEGM LOUDLY

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The novelty soon wears off.

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I'm going to be late now.

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Oh, look at this! Bloody paper
complaining about immigration again.

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I don't know why you buy that paper.
Because I agree with it!

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There's too many bloody immigrants
come in to this country.

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You're an immigrant, Dad.
I'm not an immigrant, sweetie.
I've been here 30 years!

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Immigrants are the Eastern
Europeans, coming over here, taking
our jobs.

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Jobs meant for us Pakistanis!

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LAUGHTER

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Dad!

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All right, British Pakistanis!

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So we are British, not Pakistani?

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Look, we work hard, we go to mosque,

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we pray to Allah five times a day,
how much more British can you get?!

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LAUGHTER

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Where's my tea? I've got to go.

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There's no milk in my chai.

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Ah, we've run out. Naani had the
last of it. She likes milky chai.

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I can think of one immigrant
I'd like to send home.

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SHE SLURPS TEA

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Ya hanh bohat sardi hai,
uppar karo do central heating.

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She's cold, turn up the heating.
It's already on max!

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What does she want me to do,
set fire to her salwaar?

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LAUGHTER

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Be nice to her, it's her birthday.

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I'm making a special cake
for her party tonight.

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The whole thing is a big surprise
so don't spoil it!

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You don't want to surprise her
too much, you might finish her off.

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Have we got any party poppers?

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LAUGHTER

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Remember, you're taking her shopping
this afternoon. But I can't!
Why not?

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I'm going to my conference.

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Pakistani Business Association
of Birmingham, I told you!
You didn't tell me. I did!

87
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I want you to take her to M&S
to buy cardigans. I can't do it!

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It's a present for her.
We have to get her a treat.

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Ah, hang on.
I've already got her a present.

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Really? What is it?

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A very special gift. Exclusive and
unique. I got it from NHS Direct.

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Especially designed for old ladies.

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LAUGHTER

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Look at that!
Helmet part in case she falls over,

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the bottles in here
to stop dehydration.

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She can put her milky chai in it.

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You can't give her that. Why not?
Has she already got one?

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Just take her to the shops.
But I can't. Take her now!

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Fine! I'll do everything!

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Naanijaan's on the sofa
and now she can't get up again!

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Oh, my God!

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Be careful! She's an old lady!

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All right, get out the way.
stand back! Stand back!

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Let the dog see the old goat.

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LAUGHTER

106
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Right, come on Naanijaan. On teen.

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Ek, do, teen...

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Come on! Up!

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Yeh kiya kar raha uloo?

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My back!

111
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Oh, my God! Yeh kya hora ha hai
Koi maddat kareh. Somebody help!

112
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What should I do? Grab her arms!

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AH!

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LAUGHTER

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Perfect!

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Hai! My back!

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I think it might be broken.
Naani, are you OK? Haan.

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Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

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All right, Naanijan?

120
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OK, Naani? You finish your chai, and
then Mr Khan will take you shopping.
Won't you?

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Right! Fine!
Then I'll get to my conference
later.

122
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Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque
first - she likes to pray there.

123
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But then I'll never make it!

124
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I don't care about your conference.
my mother is more important, OK?

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Chalup, have a good time
and we'll see you later.

126
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Right, come on then. Let's get this
over with. Namaz. What? Namaz.

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No, we're going shopping. Not time
for prayers, understand!
Namaz! No-ho!

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We're praying at the mosque!
Masjid mein! Masjid mein!

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You're facing the wrong way!

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Hanh? You're facing the wrong way!
Galat hai! Oh, God!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I know what I'll be praying for.

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Areh jaldi karo namaz ka waqt
hora ha hai.

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I know it's nearly prayer time.
We're at the mosque, aren't we?

135
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Asalaam alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum
asalaam, Riaz. How's it going? Good.

136
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Just got one more to do.
Did you hear that?

137
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This would be a good time to go.
You'd be at the front of the queue.

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The mother-in-law. Asalaam Alaikum.
Asalaam Alaikum.

139
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How are you enjoying Sparkhill?

140
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It's OK. This is Omar.
He's from Somalia.

141
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Muslim like us,
but he's got a funny accent.

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Come on, this way.

143
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What do think of the mosque?
Good, eh?

144
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Mujay lagra hai doctor waiting room.

145
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All right.
This is just the mosque office.
Prayer room is down the corridor.

146
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Hum kab ja rahey Marks and Spencers?

147
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I thought you wanted to pray?
Make your bloody mind up!

148
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Namaz pehlay, phir cardigans.

149
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Right, come on then, choppity chop.

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Ladies' prayer room
is second on the right.

151
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You want to get in God's good books
- you might be seeing him soon!

152
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LAUGHTER

153
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Mr Khan, can I have a quick word?

154
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I'm making a phone call.
Can you wait outside?

155
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It is my office.
I am the mosque manager.

156
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ALl right. AlL right. I still
don't know how you got this job.

157
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What was it? Equal opportunity
scheme for gingers?

158
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LAUGHTER

159
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Oh, hello, Mr Bhutt?

160
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Yes, it's Mr Khan speaking.

161
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No, Mr Khan. Khan.

162
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K, H for Hat, A for Asian,
N for Knowledge.

163
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Yes, that's me. I'm supposed to be
coming to the conference...

164
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Mr Khan, have you parked in the...
I'm on the phone, Dave!

165
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Yes, I was wondering,
if you don't come to the lunch,

166
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can you get some money back?

167
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No. I see.

168
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No, don't remove my place name!

169
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Mr Khan... Oh, no.
That's my secretary, Margaret.

170
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A cup of tea, darling. Two sugars
and a couple of ginger nuts.

171
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Yes, yes. I'm still coming.

172
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Yes. OK. I'm coming. I'll be there.
OK. OK. Bye. OK. OK. Bye.

173
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What do you want?

174
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I couldn't help noticing
you're parked in the disabled bay.

175
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Mr Qureshi never minded.

176
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Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in
a retirement home in Balsall Heath

177
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and those bays are only for people
with genuine disabilities.

178
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That's not very Muslim, is it?
Sorry?

179
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Well, this kind of discrimination,
not very Muslim.

180
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I'm afraid I don't follow. Ah,
well, you're new to this game.

181
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:52,403
What you have to remember, Dave,
is that God, Muslim God,

182
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he's a very nice fellow.
He sees all men the same.

183
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Man with one leg, one arm.
Those ones with the really big head.

184
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He doesn't care. We're all equal,
you see? Right.

185
00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:05,043
So you giving a special
parking space to disableds

186
00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:07,163
is going against
the teachings of Islam.

187
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I don't think that's what I'm...

188
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We're all the same
in God's eyes, Dave.

189
00:11:12,043 --> 00:11:15,483
And if I have to park in the
disabled space to prove it, then I
will.

190
00:11:16,723 --> 00:11:19,443
Couldn't you just move your car?

191
00:11:19,443 --> 00:11:21,923
I mean, what if someone
less able than you needs it?

192
00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:26,563
I got someone less able. What?
How about that then?

193
00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:30,803
Look at her.
She's practically falling apart.

194
00:11:31,963 --> 00:11:35,923
Mein khudhkhushi karloongi
agar nahin jarai Marks & Spencer.

195
00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:37,563
All right. I'm taking you.

196
00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:40,003
I didn't realise you had
an elderly person with you.

197
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,563
She's the mother-in-law.

198
00:11:41,563 --> 00:11:46,603
Yeh kaun hai? This is Dave, Naani.
The mosque manager.

199
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I know, I can't get my head
round it either.

200
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Asalaam alaikum.
Waleikum Asalaam.

201
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:56,523
Can I get you anything? Cup of tea?
Ek cup garam cha PG Tip.

202
00:11:56,523 --> 00:12:00,483
All right. We haven't got time
for that! I've got to go
to my business conference.

203
00:12:00,483 --> 00:12:03,243
They're serving minestrone soup
for lunch.

204
00:12:03,243 --> 00:12:05,123
Go on. Get your coat.

205
00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:07,403
I tell you,
she's a bloody nightmare, Dave.

206
00:12:07,403 --> 00:12:09,963
Praying every five minutes.

207
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,683
God must be sick of the sight of
her.

208
00:12:12,683 --> 00:12:15,483
If she's not praying, she's peeing.

209
00:12:15,483 --> 00:12:18,203
Don't the scholars teach us
to look after our elders

210
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:20,123
and treat them
with the utmost respect?

211
00:12:20,123 --> 00:12:24,283
They weren't hanging around the
ladies' bogs on the Stratford Road.

212
00:12:24,283 --> 00:12:27,083
Looking after old people
can be tricky.

213
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:31,403
I've got the mosque lady pensioners
in today. Some of them can be a bit
of a handful, I can tell you.

214
00:12:31,403 --> 00:12:33,123
Dave? Hmm?

215
00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:36,283
Maybe I can leave Naani
here with you?

216
00:12:36,283 --> 00:12:39,683
You can take her to the shops for me
Oh, er, I don't think I can.

217
00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:43,323
Why not? She's no trouble.
You've got the other ones in anyway.

218
00:12:43,323 --> 00:12:46,163
Yes, but they're planning a day
of reading from the Qur'an.

219
00:12:46,163 --> 00:12:47,763
There's plenty of time for that.

220
00:12:47,763 --> 00:12:50,323
You want to get these old birds
some retail therapy.

221
00:12:50,323 --> 00:12:54,123
Take her to the Bullring.
She'll love it.

222
00:12:54,123 --> 00:12:58,883
I suppose I could take the minibus.
There you go.
We could make it a regular thing.

223
00:12:58,883 --> 00:13:02,403
Brilliant. Help to integrate
the mosque worshippers
with the wider community.

224
00:13:02,403 --> 00:13:06,043
It's been a long time since
anyone's integrated her, I tell you.

225
00:13:07,283 --> 00:13:11,203
Hey! You'll be getting a ride
on the minibus. Good, eh?

226
00:13:11,203 --> 00:13:12,323
SHE TUTS

227
00:13:12,323 --> 00:13:14,803
Oh, she loves you. I can tell.

228
00:13:14,803 --> 00:13:16,763
You're going to have a great time.

229
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:20,283
Just point her in the direction of
the knitwear section and let her go.

230
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:22,483
She'll be happy as Barry.

231
00:13:22,483 --> 00:13:24,203
Does she know her way around town?

232
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:27,763
Oh, yes. If the town you're talking
about is Rawalpindi.

233
00:13:29,043 --> 00:13:31,723
I'm just thinking, you know,
it's a big place.

234
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:33,883
Don't worry. I've got just the
thing.

235
00:13:38,123 --> 00:13:40,843
There you go.

236
00:13:40,843 --> 00:13:44,083
You'll spot her a mile away.

237
00:13:44,083 --> 00:13:45,563
Have fun.

238
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,443
OK. Bye.

239
00:13:50,923 --> 00:13:53,883
Name tag? Check. Suit?
Check. Briefcase...

240
00:13:53,883 --> 00:13:55,643
Oh, buddy.

241
00:13:58,923 --> 00:14:01,403
Hurry up. Naanijaan will be back
any minute now.

242
00:14:01,403 --> 00:14:02,643
DOORBELL RINGS

243
00:14:02,643 --> 00:14:04,723
Oh, no. The guests
are arriving already.

244
00:14:04,723 --> 00:14:07,603
Oh, that'll be Mrs Ramiz. She did
say she was going to come early.

245
00:14:07,603 --> 00:14:09,683
Alia, go and answer the door.

246
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,923
Surprise party? How exciting.

247
00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:17,243
Yes! Of course, most elderly people
don't like surprises.

248
00:14:17,243 --> 00:14:19,363
But I'm sure your mother
is different.

249
00:14:19,363 --> 00:14:22,483
Yes. So, how old is she going to be?

250
00:14:22,483 --> 00:14:25,603
She's 80. 80!

251
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:29,643
So she must have had you
when she was very young.

252
00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:34,683
I love surprise parties.

253
00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:38,963
Hey. Maybe I can organise a surprise
party for you for our wedding?

254
00:14:43,203 --> 00:14:45,283
But you've told me now.

255
00:14:45,283 --> 00:14:47,843
Yes? So it won't be a surprise.

256
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:49,403
Ah, yes.

257
00:14:49,403 --> 00:14:53,483
Hey, Mummy, did you know that
when we are married

258
00:14:53,483 --> 00:14:57,603
we get to sleep in the same bed
every night.

259
00:15:06,163 --> 00:15:09,123
Dad! Alia. Where's Naanijan?

260
00:15:09,123 --> 00:15:12,443
She's, er, at the mosque, praying.
Dave's looking after her.

261
00:15:12,443 --> 00:15:14,763
Now, where's your mother?
In the kitchen.

262
00:15:14,763 --> 00:15:16,843
Right. Have you seen
my briefcase? Why?

263
00:15:16,843 --> 00:15:21,283
It's got all my important papers
in it. It might be upstairs. Great.

264
00:15:21,283 --> 00:15:23,603
I must say, I do like your outfit.

265
00:15:23,603 --> 00:15:26,883
Oh, thank you. It's new.

266
00:15:26,883 --> 00:15:29,563
Don't tell Mr Malik.

267
00:15:29,563 --> 00:15:30,963
Of course.

268
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:35,043
It's just so nice to have an excuse
to dress up, though.

269
00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:36,883
It is.

270
00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:39,283
So what will you be wearing?

271
00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:47,363
I... Er, Shazia, why don't you take
Mrs Malik through to the parlour?

272
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,483
The what?

273
00:15:49,483 --> 00:15:52,043
The room with the TV.

274
00:16:08,123 --> 00:16:10,963
Mrs Ramiz, what are you doing
in here?!

275
00:16:12,243 --> 00:16:14,283
I'll just leave you to, er...

276
00:16:14,283 --> 00:16:17,843
Why didn't you lock the door,
you silly Billy?

277
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:21,003
It's broken. Don't worry.
We'll be out of here in a jiffy.

278
00:16:21,003 --> 00:16:23,483
There's a knack to this.
You just have to...

279
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,483
HE GRUNTS

280
00:16:26,483 --> 00:16:29,803
Don't worry, Mrs Ramiz.
We'll be out of here in a moment.

281
00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:34,043
You just have to lift it up, pull to
the right and give it a firm yank.

282
00:16:35,563 --> 00:16:38,403
Uh? Is that you, Amjad? Yes.

283
00:16:38,403 --> 00:16:41,203
I'm in here with Mrs Ramiz. OK.

284
00:16:41,203 --> 00:16:45,163
We're stuck.
OK. Shall I go get Mrs Khan?

285
00:16:45,163 --> 00:16:47,203
No! Don't bother her with this.

286
00:16:47,203 --> 00:16:49,883
Just go and get me some WD40.

287
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,683
Why don't you take a seat?

288
00:17:36,163 --> 00:17:39,603
I wonder why Mum's taking so long
to get ready?

289
00:17:39,603 --> 00:17:42,043
She must be redoing her hair
and make up as well.

290
00:17:42,043 --> 00:17:44,523
Do you think? Well, I hope so.

291
00:17:47,403 --> 00:17:51,123
Ahhh, Mr Khan. Asalaam alaikum.

292
00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:54,323
Waleikum Asalaam, Mrs Malik.
No Mr Malik?

293
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:57,483
Working. Always working, huh?

294
00:17:57,483 --> 00:18:01,163
I think it's more important to spend
time with the people you love.

295
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,843
I'm always telling Mrs Khan.

296
00:18:02,843 --> 00:18:04,883
To us, family is family.

297
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:06,683
Her mother is my mother.

298
00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:08,923
Her children are my children.

299
00:18:10,243 --> 00:18:12,443
Very laudable, I'm sure.

300
00:18:12,443 --> 00:18:14,563
That's me. Family comes first.

301
00:18:14,563 --> 00:18:17,963
Right. I'm going to my business
conference. What?

302
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:20,283
Pakistani Business Association
Of Birmingham.

303
00:18:20,283 --> 00:18:23,043
If I hurry, I'll just catch
Mr Butt's PowerPoint presentation

304
00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:25,923
on the history of Cash and Carrys
in the West Midlands.

305
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:29,483
Hello, darling. Goodbye, darling.
Er, where's Naani?

306
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,963
Did you take her to M&S?
Yes, of course.

307
00:18:31,963 --> 00:18:34,603
But she wanted to do more praying.
You know what she's like.

308
00:18:34,603 --> 00:18:36,083
I couldn't get her off the floor.

309
00:18:37,803 --> 00:18:40,403
OK. But the rest of the guests
will be arriving soon.

310
00:18:40,403 --> 00:18:41,803
Everyone's coming.

311
00:18:41,803 --> 00:18:44,323
Even Mrs Ramiz has shown her face.

312
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:47,363
She's shown a lot more than that.

313
00:18:49,643 --> 00:18:51,923
Naani can't be late
for her own party.

314
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:54,403
Don't worry. Dave is bringing her.

315
00:18:54,403 --> 00:18:57,243
She'll be here any moment.
Yeah, but...

316
00:18:57,243 --> 00:18:59,523
Chillax, sweetie. It'll all be OK.

317
00:18:59,523 --> 00:19:02,443
DOORBELL RINGS
There you go. See?

318
00:19:02,443 --> 00:19:03,683
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

319
00:19:03,683 --> 00:19:06,203
All right. All right.
Keep your hair on.

320
00:19:06,203 --> 00:19:08,643
Hello, Dave. She's gone, Mr Khan.

321
00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:13,643
What? Naanijan, I've lost her.
What do you mean, you've lost her?

322
00:19:13,643 --> 00:19:16,083
How can you lose an 80-year-old
Pakistani woman?

323
00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,043
I got confused.
There are too many of them.

324
00:19:18,043 --> 00:19:19,963
Careful, Dave.
That sounds a bit racist.

325
00:19:19,963 --> 00:19:23,883
I just meant they all look the same.
That's better.

326
00:19:24,923 --> 00:19:28,603
One minute, she was with me. Then I
had to take Mr Farzai to the toilet.

327
00:19:28,603 --> 00:19:31,963
I can't believe this.
Neither could I. What's going on?

328
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,003
Nothing.

329
00:19:35,163 --> 00:19:36,763
What are you doing?!

330
00:19:36,763 --> 00:19:39,083
Let's have a little chat in here.

331
00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:41,483
But where's Naani?
You said Dave was bringing her.

332
00:19:41,483 --> 00:19:43,643
Yes, absolutely right.
So where is she?

333
00:19:43,643 --> 00:19:45,363
Dave? Well, the thing is...

334
00:19:45,363 --> 00:19:46,763
What happened was...

335
00:19:46,763 --> 00:19:48,403
Don't tell me you've lost my mother!

336
00:19:48,403 --> 00:19:52,003
No, of course not. She's not lost.
We know exactly where she is.

337
00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:54,123
Where? Dave?

338
00:19:55,483 --> 00:19:56,683
In Millets.

339
00:19:58,003 --> 00:20:00,043
I thought you said she was praying?

340
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:03,963
Dave! How many times have I told
you? Don't let her pray in Millets.

341
00:20:06,323 --> 00:20:09,043
Well, I know she wanted a cardigan,

342
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:11,243
but I thought a fleece
might be more practical

343
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,963
and they've got great outdoor gear.

344
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:15,243
Outdoor gear?

345
00:20:15,243 --> 00:20:17,363
Dave! She's going home to Pakistan.

346
00:20:17,363 --> 00:20:20,603
She's not white-water rafting
with Bear-bloody-Grylls.

347
00:20:23,003 --> 00:20:25,963
So you left her in the shop
with an assistant?

348
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:28,643
Yes. Exactly.
So it's all fine, you see?

349
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:32,523
She was trying to choose between
the half zip and full zip, you see.

350
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:36,043
I said the full zip might be better
because you don't have to pull it
over your head

351
00:20:36,043 --> 00:20:40,123
which can be quite tricky
for an elderly person.
All right, Dave. Don't overdo it.

352
00:20:41,203 --> 00:20:43,883
OK. But what am I supposed
to tell all the guests?

353
00:20:43,883 --> 00:20:48,523
It's OK. We're going to go and get
her and it will all be tickety boo.

354
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,483
Well, go on then!

355
00:21:04,483 --> 00:21:07,803
Have you seen my mother-in-law?
She's an old woman like this...

356
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,203
Naani?

357
00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,603
Naani?

358
00:21:35,483 --> 00:21:37,523
It's OK. I'm just praying.

359
00:21:45,883 --> 00:21:49,403
Excuse me. Excuse me. Naani? Hold
on!

360
00:21:49,403 --> 00:21:52,163
Naani. Excuse me. Excuse me, lady.

361
00:21:52,163 --> 00:21:53,643
Excuse me. Naani?

362
00:21:54,843 --> 00:21:55,883
Oh, God.

363
00:21:55,883 --> 00:21:57,323
Excuse me. Excuse me.

364
00:21:57,323 --> 00:21:58,763
Excuse me.

365
00:21:58,763 --> 00:22:01,203
SIREN WAILS

366
00:22:04,163 --> 00:22:06,403
What?! I'm looking for an old woman.

367
00:22:13,203 --> 00:22:14,643
Mr Khan.

368
00:22:22,683 --> 00:22:24,843
Right. It's simple.
I just need to tell

369
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:28,003
Mrs Khan her mother is at the bottom
of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal.

370
00:22:28,003 --> 00:22:31,083
Now come on. We don't know that for
sure. The police are still trawling

371
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:32,803
and they haven't found anything yet.

372
00:22:32,803 --> 00:22:36,043
You're right. We don't really know
what's happened. She might be fine.

373
00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:39,523
Exactly. For all we know, she could
be in the cafe at Marks & Spencer

374
00:22:39,523 --> 00:22:42,003
having a cup of tea
with a bag full of cardigans.

375
00:22:42,003 --> 00:22:44,043
The main thing is
we have to be very sensitive

376
00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:45,603
when we break the news to Mrs Khan.

377
00:22:45,603 --> 00:22:46,883
Yes.

378
00:22:46,883 --> 00:22:48,443
Do you want to do it?

379
00:22:48,443 --> 00:22:50,923
I think it would be better
coming from you.

380
00:22:50,923 --> 00:22:53,003
Right. You have to sit her down

381
00:22:53,003 --> 00:22:57,003
and then give her time to digest
the news in a quiet place

382
00:22:57,003 --> 00:22:59,523
where she feels safe and calm.

383
00:22:59,523 --> 00:23:00,603
OK.

384
00:23:07,723 --> 00:23:10,843
ALL: Surprise!

385
00:23:10,843 --> 00:23:14,243
Where's the birthday girl? What?
Where's Naanijan? What?

386
00:23:14,243 --> 00:23:16,443
Is she outside? What?
Why don't you bring her in?

387
00:23:16,443 --> 00:23:19,403
We've been waiting for ages.

388
00:23:19,403 --> 00:23:22,483
I don't think we should bring her
in here with all this jumping up

389
00:23:22,483 --> 00:23:23,843
and everyone making noise.

390
00:23:23,843 --> 00:23:26,643
It's a surprise party!
Bring her in, Papaji.

391
00:23:26,643 --> 00:23:28,043
In a minute, sweetie.

392
00:23:28,043 --> 00:23:30,123
She is here, isn't she? Mmm?

393
00:23:30,123 --> 00:23:32,763
Why won't you bring her in?
He's done something.

394
00:23:32,763 --> 00:23:35,523
I knew it. He's always
doing something.

395
00:23:35,523 --> 00:23:37,203
Is she late? Yes.

396
00:23:37,203 --> 00:23:40,123
How late? Very.

397
00:23:40,123 --> 00:23:42,723
Naani's very late. She's...

398
00:23:42,723 --> 00:23:44,043
the late Naani.

399
00:23:44,043 --> 00:23:46,323
Has something happened to her?

400
00:23:46,323 --> 00:23:47,683
No. Yes.

401
00:23:47,683 --> 00:23:50,043
Yes. No. Maybe.

402
00:23:50,043 --> 00:23:53,523
Where's Naani? Hello, sweetie.
Why don't you sit down?

403
00:23:53,523 --> 00:23:54,563
Why?

404
00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:57,163
I'm coming to that.
But first, one question.

405
00:23:57,163 --> 00:23:59,723
About Naani, I can't remember,

406
00:23:59,723 --> 00:24:01,563
was she a good swimmer?

407
00:24:03,163 --> 00:24:05,123
What's that got to do with anything?

408
00:24:05,123 --> 00:24:07,243
Never mind. Look...

409
00:24:07,243 --> 00:24:09,243
The thing is...

410
00:24:09,243 --> 00:24:13,483
there comes a time when we must bid
farewell to our loved ones.

411
00:24:13,483 --> 00:24:16,483
They've had a good innings,

412
00:24:16,483 --> 00:24:20,243
but when the great umpire
in the sky shows you the finger,

413
00:24:20,243 --> 00:24:24,723
it's time to take that long walk
back to the pavilion.

414
00:24:24,723 --> 00:24:29,243
Naani, caught canal,
bowled God for 80.

415
00:24:29,243 --> 00:24:31,963
And she is out.

416
00:24:33,163 --> 00:24:34,203
Or not out!

417
00:24:34,203 --> 00:24:37,163
Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

418
00:24:37,163 --> 00:24:41,083
Bohat dher lagati
stupid number 37 bus.

419
00:24:42,243 --> 00:24:46,323
Aww, Naani.

420
00:24:46,323 --> 00:24:47,443
Happy birthday.

421
00:24:47,443 --> 00:24:49,963
Surprise!

422
00:24:51,723 --> 00:24:54,483
Right. I'm going
to my business conference.

423
00:24:54,483 --> 00:24:56,483
They'll be serving trio of desserts.

424
00:24:56,483 --> 00:24:59,683
That's when the real business
happens, anyway.

425
00:24:59,683 --> 00:25:02,523
What? What is it?

426
00:25:02,523 --> 00:25:05,443
What is it?! You lost my mother!

427
00:25:05,443 --> 00:25:09,043
Yes, but then we found her again,
so it's all back to normal. OK?

428
00:25:09,043 --> 00:25:10,123
Finished.

429
00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:16,323
She was wandering
out there all alone.

430
00:25:16,323 --> 00:25:19,323
Anything could have happened to her.
She could have been run over.

431
00:25:19,323 --> 00:25:22,243
Yes, but... She could
have been mugged. I know, but...

432
00:25:22,243 --> 00:25:25,003
She could have been picked up
and taken advantage of.

433
00:25:25,003 --> 00:25:27,643
OK. Let's not get carried away now.

434
00:25:29,003 --> 00:25:30,643
You've never liked her.

435
00:25:30,643 --> 00:25:32,443
Me? Of course I like her.

436
00:25:32,443 --> 00:25:35,683
When she's here, all you do is moan.
You can't wait to be rid of her.

437
00:25:35,683 --> 00:25:38,443
That's not true.
I love having her here. It's great.

438
00:25:38,443 --> 00:25:41,963
What do you love
about having her here? Everything.

439
00:25:41,963 --> 00:25:44,123
Like? Like...

440
00:25:44,123 --> 00:25:46,723
The praying. The shuffling.

441
00:25:46,723 --> 00:25:49,043
How she hums under her breath
in the morning.

442
00:25:49,043 --> 00:25:51,603
The way she spits in the fireplace.

443
00:25:51,603 --> 00:25:54,683
Seeing her crinkly old face come out
the bathroom in the morning.

444
00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:56,723
She is leaving soon, isn't she?

445
00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:58,923
She'll be safely back in Pakistan

446
00:25:58,923 --> 00:26:01,483
and you'll never
have to see her again.

447
00:26:01,483 --> 00:26:03,403
Until the next time.

448
00:26:07,523 --> 00:26:09,003
Now what?

449
00:26:09,003 --> 00:26:11,043
What if there is no next time?

450
00:26:11,043 --> 00:26:12,883
How do you mean?

451
00:26:12,883 --> 00:26:15,723
We have to face it,
she's an old lady.

452
00:26:15,723 --> 00:26:20,483
She'll go back to Pakistan
and I'll never see her again.

453
00:26:20,483 --> 00:26:22,643
SHE SOBS

454
00:26:22,643 --> 00:26:25,563
Hey. Come on.

455
00:26:27,643 --> 00:26:29,483
Don't be sad.

456
00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:33,843
We've all got to go sometime.

457
00:26:33,843 --> 00:26:35,243
SHE WEEPS

458
00:26:37,643 --> 00:26:39,843
Right.

459
00:26:39,843 --> 00:26:43,003
OK. Why doesn't Naanijan
come and live with us?

460
00:26:44,043 --> 00:26:45,603
What? Naanijan...

461
00:26:45,603 --> 00:26:49,443
She can come and live with us. She
doesn't need to go back to Pakistan.

462
00:26:49,443 --> 00:26:50,523
Ever?

463
00:26:51,763 --> 00:26:52,843
No.

464
00:26:52,843 --> 00:26:54,483
You mean it?

465
00:26:54,483 --> 00:26:55,803
Ah.

466
00:26:57,123 --> 00:26:58,843
Thank you.

467
00:26:58,843 --> 00:27:00,763
It's all right.

468
00:27:03,323 --> 00:27:06,923
Now I can see her
as much as I want. Yes.

469
00:27:06,923 --> 00:27:09,483
And the girls get
to spend time with her.

470
00:27:09,483 --> 00:27:12,443
Yes. A little bit more time before,
you know, she...

471
00:27:12,443 --> 00:27:14,723
HE MOANS

472
00:27:14,723 --> 00:27:16,323
What do you mean?

473
00:27:16,323 --> 00:27:19,203
You know, she's getting old and...

474
00:27:20,683 --> 00:27:22,923
No. It'll all be fine.

475
00:27:22,923 --> 00:27:25,323
Mrs Akmal's mother
came to live with them

476
00:27:25,323 --> 00:27:27,603
and she lived to be 104.

477
00:27:28,643 --> 00:27:31,243
Oh, God!

478
00:27:32,563 --> 00:27:34,243
Goodbye. Thank you for coming.

479
00:27:34,243 --> 00:27:38,003
We've had a wonderful time.
We must do this again soon.

480
00:27:38,003 --> 00:27:40,723
Well, there's no rush, eh?
Thank you.

481
00:27:40,723 --> 00:27:42,723
Goodbye. Khuda Hafiz.

482
00:27:46,323 --> 00:27:49,043
Naani,

483
00:27:49,043 --> 00:27:52,083
we have something very exciting
to tell you.

484
00:27:52,083 --> 00:27:54,323
Don't we? Yes.

485
00:27:54,323 --> 00:27:57,403
Er, we have decided that you don't
need to go back to Pakistan.

486
00:27:57,403 --> 00:28:01,443
You can stay here and live with us
in our house

487
00:28:01,443 --> 00:28:05,643
for your final years. Or the rest of
your days. You know, whichever.

488
00:28:05,643 --> 00:28:10,083
Mujay yah nahi rehna
yeh toh paagal khana hai.

489
00:28:10,083 --> 00:28:11,643
Aur Birmingham?

490
00:28:11,643 --> 00:28:12,923
Shithole!

491
00:28:42,603 --> 00:28:45,763
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