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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.
The capital of British Pakistan.

2
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Community leader.

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They all know me. You like my suit?

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PHONE RINGS

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

6
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Hello, Mr Khan speaking. What?

7
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Yes, I am interested in saving
money on energy bills.

8
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Yes, you can tell me all about
the benefits of switching tariffs.

9
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I'm very keen to hear all about it.
Mr Khan. Yes, Pakistani name.

10
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Why, where are you calling from?
India?

11
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Bloody cheek!

12
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Can you come upstairs for a minute?
OK.

13
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I'm in our room, hurry up!
OK, I'm coming.

14
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What are you doing?
Help me push the beds together.

15
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What? Why? So you can do your duty
like a good husband should.

16
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But it's not my birthday
for another three months!

17
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I'm making space next to the sink
so you can fix it.

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Oh, thank God for that.

19
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Have you thought any more about
where we're going on our holidays
this year?

20
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Your husband is a very busy man,
my darling,

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I haven't got time
to think about holidays.

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Today is the AGM at the mosque
and I've got an item on the agenda.

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Good, huh?
The renaming of the community room.

24
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You know, I think it needs to be
something that represents

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ALL the people of Sparkhill.

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I am going to suggest they name it
"Mr Khan, Community Leader's

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"Community Room and Corporate
Hospitality Suite. VIP Only".

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Catchy, no?

29
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This will be our last year
together as a family

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before Shazia gets married.

31
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We should do something special,
something exotic.

32
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What's wrong with normal holiday?

33
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Staying with your cousin
in Bradford? Not exotic.

34
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What about staying at cousin's
in Oldham?

35
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Why don't we splash out?

36
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Use our rainy day money.

37
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You're forgetting one thing
about rainy day money, my darling.

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What's that? It's for rainy day.
You have to think of the future.

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We are fit and healthy now, but what
happens when you're an old lady

40
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and you can't look after yourself
any more? Hmm? Hmm?

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Exactly. We're going to have to pay
for someone to come in.

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To cook my dinner.

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And iron my shirts.

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You see, Mrs Khan,
head for thinking, feet for dancing.

45
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But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik
to lovely places.

46
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Do you know where he's taking
her this year?

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Dubai, three weeks,
just the two of them.

48
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I don't know who to feel
more sorry for.

49
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Why can't we ever go somewhere like
that? Bradford's better than Dubai.

50
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How is Bradford better than Dubai?

51
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More Muslims!

52
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OK, then why don't we go
somewhere closer to home?

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I know,
let's go back to Great Yarmouth.

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You remember we had
our special holiday there?

55
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No. It was just after
we were married

56
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and we stayed in that rickety old
caravan. I can't remember.

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Yes, you can. It poured with rain.

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But we were up all night anyway.

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Oh, yes, of course!
What a night that was.

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Pakistan were playing India!

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And we listened for two hours
on my transistor radio.

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Yes, and then?

63
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And then Pakistan won!

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The best night of my life.

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I mean after the cricket.
You wore your Pakistan top

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and then we tried that thing
I read in Woman's Own. Oh, God!

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And then next spring,
out popped little Shazia.

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HE YELPS

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Catch it, budhoo!

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SHE BLOWS A KISS

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Got it... Oh no, I dropped it!

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It's OK, I got it again.

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You know, sometimes I can't believe
we're getting married, can you?

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It's amazing. Do you know,
your dad said it's the most
incredible thing he has ever heard.

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And what about our honeymoon,
have you thought about it?

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Yes, lots! Almost like every night.

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I meant where we're going to go.

78
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OK. We can go anywhere you want.

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Really? Yes, as long as it doesn't
cost more than...£25.

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Oh.

81
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It's just I've always had this dream
of being on a beautiful island.

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There's white sand
and clear, blue sea,

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and then I see someone
running towards me along the beach

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and I start running towards them,
and we run faster and faster

85
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and then we meet
and I look up at him

86
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and I realise
he's my one true love.

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Who is it?

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You, budhoo!

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Oh, yes.

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Hello, sir. Amjad, what are you
doing here? I've come to see Shazia.

91
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You're always coming to see Shazia.
We are getting married.

92
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You don't need to remind me.
But why do you have to see her
every bloody day?

93
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You want to keep up some of the
mystery. A bit of romance, Amjad.

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You know, Mrs Khan wanted to see me
all the time

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when we first got engaged,

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but I said,
"No, you'll ruin the mystery.

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"The most romantic thing we can do
is to avoid each other completely."

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He was right about that.

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Amjad, if you want to be intimate,
just text her. That's what I'd do.
Isn't it, sweetie?

100
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Mmm! What's this?

101
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Oh, it's for our honeymoon.
But we can't afford it.

102
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Good!
Honeymoon is English invention.

103
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Don't spend money.
Now, that's Pakistani invention.

104
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Maybe we should just go
somewhere cheap in England.

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I know a good place -
family-run guest house in Bradford.

106
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I can get you a good deal.
Where was it you and Mum used to go?

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Great Yarmouth, wasn't it? No.

108
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I thought you used to go there
before we were... No.

109
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Your mother and I have never been
to Great Yarmouth, ever!

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Why don't we help them out? What?

111
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Let's use our rainy day money to pay
for their honeymoon.

112
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No bloody way!

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We're splashing out
on a holiday anyway,

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why don't we just use the lot?

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Eh?
That would be so amazing.

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Hello?!

117
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I know it sounds expensive,
but I've found a really good deal

118
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on a trip to the Maldives.

119
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Bloody Maldives?!

120
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Sweetie, you know I'd love
to help you.

121
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But this is our rainy day money.
We can't spend it on holidays.

122
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It's OK, Dad, I understand. Yes, so.

123
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Papaji? Mmm? Can I have some
spending money for my holiday?

124
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Of course, sweetie. What holiday?

125
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The Mosque study group summer camp.
Dad's paying for me to go.

126
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There you go.

127
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Aww, there you go! Thanks!

128
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Look at that.
Perfect Muslim daughter.

129
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It's like having our own little
imam. But without the beard.

130
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You're paying for her holiday?

131
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I thought you said you can't spend
money on holidays.

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Shazia, you shouldn't talk
about money all the time.

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It's very vulgar.

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I never got to go on a summer camp.

135
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Why is everything
a competition with you two?

136
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Why are you constantly comparing
yourself to your sister?

137
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You're both very special in your own
unique ways. Ahh.

138
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But she's a bit better.

139
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You never do anything nice for me.

140
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I'm paying for your bloody wedding.
On the cheap!

141
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Everything's a bargain
basement deal.

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You say that as if it's a bad thing.

143
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So she gets to go on a nice holiday
and I don't?

144
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Alia's trip is part of her studies.

145
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They will be reading the Koran,
learning about Islam

146
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and how to be a better Muslim.

147
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At a Turkish beach resort?

148
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Turkey is a Muslim country,
isn't it?

149
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You do know there'll be boys there?

150
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Yes, I know there are boys
in Turkey, thank you.

151
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I mean on Alia's trip.
Boys are going too.

152
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Boys? I didn't know anything
about boys.

153
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They always go together.
It's co-educational.

154
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Yes, but what about...tang tang?

155
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What? You know, tang tang.

156
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It's a Muslim religious study camp.

157
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So what, do you think Muslims
don't do tang tang?

158
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Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan,
they certainly do.

159
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Islam is not the fastest growing
religion in the world for nothing.

160
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Muslims all over the world are doing
tang tang left, right and centre.

161
00:09:13,243 --> 00:09:16,963
Maybe some of them.
Alia is young and vulnerable.

162
00:09:16,963 --> 00:09:18,803
One of us needs to talk to her.

163
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OK. One of us needs to go in there

164
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and explain everything
about...you know, tang tang.

165
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We need to warn her of the dangers
lurking out there

166
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in the real world.
It's a disaster waiting to happen.

167
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Someone could take advantage of her.
Her life could be ruined for ever.

168
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You're right.
I think you should tell her.

169
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She'll probably be fine.

170
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Yeah, my dad said I can go.
I know, I can't believe it.

171
00:09:48,723 --> 00:09:52,163
And there's an amazing club near the
campsite. It's going to be wicked.

172
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MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

173
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Got to go, laters.

174
00:09:59,243 --> 00:10:05,923
Hello, sweetie.
How's it going? Good? Good.

175
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What are you reading? The History
Of Islam. Oh, I want to read that.

176
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,443
Don't tell me how it ends, eh?

177
00:10:15,043 --> 00:10:18,443
Sweetie, I need to talk to you about
something very important.

178
00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:20,163
OK, Papaji.

179
00:10:20,163 --> 00:10:24,643
Now, I know your head is filled only
with God and studies right now,

180
00:10:24,643 --> 00:10:27,883
but one day you realise
there are other things in the world.

181
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Like boys. OK.

182
00:10:30,403 --> 00:10:34,083
But what you have to remember is,
is that boys are not like girls.

183
00:10:34,083 --> 00:10:39,603
Are they not? No. Boys are bad. They
only have one thing on their minds.

184
00:10:39,603 --> 00:10:40,963
What's that?

185
00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:43,043
HE GULPS

186
00:10:45,043 --> 00:10:47,323
Cricket.

187
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:51,683
Cricket? Yes.

188
00:10:51,683 --> 00:10:54,963
I don't like cricket.
I know. And that's good.

189
00:10:54,963 --> 00:11:01,883
But one day you might decide
that you do like...cricket.

190
00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:06,843
I don't think so. It's dead boring.
You're right. It is.

191
00:11:06,843 --> 00:11:10,403
But one day, you might meet
somebody, let's say a boy,

192
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:14,123
and he's really into the cricket
and he might try to get you
to watch.

193
00:11:14,123 --> 00:11:16,643
And you might think, "Well,
there's no harm in watching."

194
00:11:17,883 --> 00:11:21,883
But then he shows you his bat.

195
00:11:23,923 --> 00:11:26,883
And his pads. And his helmet.

196
00:11:29,763 --> 00:11:32,963
And the next thing you know,
the covers are off,

197
00:11:32,963 --> 00:11:35,523
you're letting him play
on your pitch

198
00:11:35,523 --> 00:11:37,443
and you've been caught out
by his googlie!

199
00:11:38,683 --> 00:11:43,003
Do you see? Sort of. Good.

200
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:46,883
You know, I thought that was
going to be difficult,

201
00:11:46,883 --> 00:11:48,603
but it was actually very easy.

202
00:11:56,083 --> 00:12:00,523
Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed,
how are you doing?

203
00:12:00,523 --> 00:12:03,963
Don't forget item three on
the agenda, vote for me.

204
00:12:03,963 --> 00:12:08,243
Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed.
You all right? How's Mrs Mohammed?

205
00:12:08,243 --> 00:12:11,963
All right. Good, smashing,
smashing, smashing.

206
00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:15,083
Don't tell me, it's Mr Mohammed,
isn't it?

207
00:12:15,083 --> 00:12:17,323
Hope I can count on your vote, sir?

208
00:12:17,323 --> 00:12:19,403
Course you can.
Very good, very good.

209
00:12:19,403 --> 00:12:22,723
Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan.
Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz.

210
00:12:22,723 --> 00:12:25,163
What's that, the agenda?

211
00:12:25,163 --> 00:12:31,243
Note item number three, renaming
the community room after a certain
prominent member of the community.

212
00:12:31,243 --> 00:12:35,603
Who? Me! Oh. I've got it in the bag.

213
00:12:35,603 --> 00:12:39,243
I've been working the room, selling
the idea. So it's going well?

214
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:40,843
Oh, really well.

215
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:45,363
I spoke to that guy over there for
ten minutes, he was lapping it up.

216
00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:47,323
He has nothing to do
with the mosque.

217
00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:49,203
He's here to fix the photocopier.

218
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,643
MR KHAN GIGGLES

219
00:12:51,643 --> 00:12:54,363
Well, you know, anyway,
they're bound to go for it.

220
00:12:54,363 --> 00:12:56,483
I'm Mr Khan, community leader.

221
00:12:56,483 --> 00:12:59,203
You're going to vote for me,
aren't you? Yes, yes.

222
00:12:59,203 --> 00:13:00,683
Oh, yes. Aren't we, Omar?

223
00:13:00,683 --> 00:13:02,803
Oh, yes, we will. Excellent.

224
00:13:02,803 --> 00:13:05,963
Hang on a minute,
what are you doing here?

225
00:13:05,963 --> 00:13:07,963
You're not even on
the bloody committee.

226
00:13:07,963 --> 00:13:10,603
I am taking the minutes
of the meeting on the computer.

227
00:13:10,603 --> 00:13:15,203
He's our technical wizard. Him?
That's what I used to do
back in Somalia.

228
00:13:15,203 --> 00:13:17,803
You worked in IT?
No, he was a wizard.

229
00:13:19,723 --> 00:13:23,083
Right, take your seats quickly,
please, gentlemen, if you'd be
so kind.

230
00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:25,283
Yes, yes, come on,
we haven't got all day.

231
00:13:25,283 --> 00:13:29,403
Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to
sit there. Well, sit somewhere else.

232
00:13:29,403 --> 00:13:33,443
Yes, but it is my office.
So? And I am chairing the meeting.

233
00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:35,123
I thought I was chairing
the meeting.

234
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:37,563
I always chaired the meeting
when Mr Qureshi was here.

235
00:13:37,563 --> 00:13:42,323
But I'm the mosque manager now.
Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM.

236
00:13:42,323 --> 00:13:44,643
It stands
for Annual General Meeting,

237
00:13:44,643 --> 00:13:48,003
not Association of Ginger Muslims.

238
00:13:48,003 --> 00:13:49,723
DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

239
00:13:49,723 --> 00:13:51,923
Nevertheless.

240
00:13:51,923 --> 00:13:54,763
So where am I supposed to sit?
Woo-hoo!

241
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:01,963
HE BANGS HIS GAVEL

242
00:14:01,963 --> 00:14:04,003
Right. Assalaamu alaikum, everybody.

243
00:14:04,003 --> 00:14:08,443
ALL BESIDES MR KHAN:
Wa alaikum assalam. Hello, Dave.

244
00:14:08,443 --> 00:14:10,443
I'd like to call this
Annual General Meeting

245
00:14:10,443 --> 00:14:13,523
of the Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque
Committee to order.

246
00:14:13,523 --> 00:14:16,803
First things first,
apologies for absence.

247
00:14:16,803 --> 00:14:20,763
Just a couple this week,
Mr Malik has a prior engagement,

248
00:14:20,763 --> 00:14:23,603
and Mr Zaheer is finally
having his procedure done.

249
00:14:23,603 --> 00:14:29,403
At last. Thank God for that.
Now, on to the agenda.

250
00:14:29,403 --> 00:14:32,163
Item one, the women's group
would like a new minibus

251
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:35,683
for their day trips,
and bigger ladies' toilets.

252
00:14:35,683 --> 00:14:38,083
All those in favour?

253
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:39,963
Motion denied.

254
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:45,403
Item two, Mr Hafiz would like
a giant screen in the meeting room

255
00:14:45,403 --> 00:14:46,723
for watching the cricket.

256
00:14:46,723 --> 00:14:49,883
All those... Motion carried.

257
00:14:49,883 --> 00:14:54,523
Which brings us on to item three.
This is me.

258
00:14:54,523 --> 00:14:58,923
A late addition, a charity auction.
Oh, come on!

259
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:03,483
As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor
of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium

260
00:15:03,483 --> 00:15:07,843
and Travel Agency has made a very
generous donation to the mosque.

261
00:15:07,843 --> 00:15:09,763
ALL BESIDES MR KHAN: Oooh!

262
00:15:09,763 --> 00:15:12,763
All proceeds going
to the charity appeal fund.

263
00:15:12,763 --> 00:15:15,483
APPLAUSE

264
00:15:15,483 --> 00:15:19,363
Can't we have this later? We've got
more important things to do.

265
00:15:19,363 --> 00:15:22,483
Well, charity is one of
the five pillars of Islam.

266
00:15:22,483 --> 00:15:25,243
Yeah, one. There are four more.

267
00:15:25,243 --> 00:15:31,243
So, we will be auctioning this
magnificent prize right here, today.

268
00:15:31,243 --> 00:15:33,723
So I hope you've all
brought your cheque books.

269
00:15:36,123 --> 00:15:37,843
What's this about an auction?

270
00:15:37,843 --> 00:15:42,483
It's an extraordinary item, inserted
at the last minute. Nobody told me.

271
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:45,003
I sent you the e-mail.
That was from you?

272
00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:49,003
I thought that was one of those
dodgy Nigerian con artists.

273
00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:52,243
Why don't you like charity auction?

274
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:56,643
It's for a good cause, digging wells
for Pakistani villages.

275
00:15:56,643 --> 00:16:00,323
What? They should dig it themselves.
I'm a Pakistani,

276
00:16:00,323 --> 00:16:03,963
but I didn't ask for help
for my wife's leaky plumbing.

277
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,283
You don't have to bid.
Don't worry. I'm not going to.

278
00:16:07,283 --> 00:16:10,243
But then people might think
you are a bit stingy.

279
00:16:10,243 --> 00:16:13,083
And they might not vote to name
the community room after you.

280
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:15,803
Oh, God. No wonder
Malik's not turned up,

281
00:16:15,803 --> 00:16:18,003
he just didn't want
to put his hand in his pocket.

282
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:22,843
Hello, sir. Amjad, what are you
doing here? Daddy sent me.

283
00:16:22,843 --> 00:16:25,403
He didn't want to miss the auction
so he sent me in his place.

284
00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:28,563
I have to ring him on my mobile
and do the telephone bidding.

285
00:16:28,563 --> 00:16:30,043
All for show, no doubt.

286
00:16:30,043 --> 00:16:34,123
No. He wants to win the auction,
money's no object. What do you mean?

287
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:37,043
He said no matter what anybody bids,
he's going to bid more.

288
00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:42,523
So let me get this straight.
Say somebody - call them Mr K -

289
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:45,883
I mean, Mr X - bids in the auction,

290
00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:50,123
your father, Mr Malik,
will bid more?

291
00:16:50,123 --> 00:16:54,443
Yes. No matter how much Mr X bids?
Yes.

292
00:16:54,443 --> 00:16:56,843
Even if it's loads of money,

293
00:16:56,843 --> 00:17:01,963
and everyone says, "Wow, that Mr X,
he's a very generous man."

294
00:17:01,963 --> 00:17:05,363
Yes. Why? No reason.

295
00:17:05,363 --> 00:17:10,203
Right, without further ado,
let's get on with it, shall we?

296
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:14,443
Who'll start the bidding for me?
Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

297
00:17:14,443 --> 00:17:18,043
Who'll get the ball rolling?
One hundred pound.

298
00:17:18,043 --> 00:17:19,843
£100 to start us.
Thank you, Mr Jalil.

299
00:17:19,843 --> 00:17:21,723
Two hundred pound.
Two hundred pound.

300
00:17:21,723 --> 00:17:23,603
Are you going to bid? In a minute.

301
00:17:23,603 --> 00:17:26,123
Three hundred pounds.

302
00:17:26,123 --> 00:17:30,123
Three hundred pound from Amjad,
bidding on behalf of Mr Malik.

303
00:17:30,123 --> 00:17:34,563
Three hundred and one pounds.
Right, OK.

304
00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:36,683
Three hundred and one from Mr Khan.

305
00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:39,363
Three hundred and two pounds.

306
00:17:39,363 --> 00:17:43,043
Three hundred and...four pounds.

307
00:17:43,043 --> 00:17:45,283
Three hundred and five pounds.

308
00:17:45,283 --> 00:17:48,403
Three hundred and six pounds.

309
00:17:48,403 --> 00:17:50,283
One thousand pounds!

310
00:17:50,283 --> 00:17:51,443
EVERYONE GASPS

311
00:17:52,603 --> 00:17:55,683
Bloody hell!
Thank you, a proper bid at last.

312
00:17:55,683 --> 00:18:00,203
Now we're up and running. A thousand
pounds. Any advance on that?

313
00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:05,163
What's wrong? The money too strong
for you? Not at all.

314
00:18:05,163 --> 00:18:06,723
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

315
00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:09,763
Any advance on a thousand pounds?
Anyone?

316
00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:14,043
£1,100.

317
00:18:14,043 --> 00:18:15,963
£1,100. Thank you, Mr Khan.

318
00:18:15,963 --> 00:18:20,203
£1,200. £1,200 straight away
from Mr Malik.

319
00:18:20,203 --> 00:18:23,883
£1,500! Fifteen hundred pound!

320
00:18:23,883 --> 00:18:29,323
£1,600. Mr Malik's right back in
there. Looks like he's going to take
some beating.

321
00:18:29,323 --> 00:18:31,763
£1,900!

322
00:18:31,763 --> 00:18:34,643
£2,000.

323
00:18:34,643 --> 00:18:36,163
ALL: Oooh!

324
00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:39,723
Such a lot of money.

325
00:18:39,723 --> 00:18:43,683
OK. The bid is £2,000.
Are we all done?

326
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,803
£2,500!

327
00:18:47,803 --> 00:18:51,803
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
£2,500 from Mr Khan!

328
00:18:51,803 --> 00:18:55,243
Hey, big spender.
Any advance on 2,500?

329
00:18:57,723 --> 00:18:59,803
Amjad?

330
00:18:59,803 --> 00:19:02,883
Amjad! Come on, bid!

331
00:19:02,883 --> 00:19:05,723
I think I might have run out
of credit. What?

332
00:19:05,723 --> 00:19:08,643
I've been texting Shazia all day,
like you told me to.

333
00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:12,083
Right, the bid is 2,500,
any advance on that? No?

334
00:19:12,083 --> 00:19:14,843
Hang on a minute, Dave.
Call him back. How?

335
00:19:14,843 --> 00:19:18,483
Here, use my phone.
Are you sure, sir?

336
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:20,923
Shazia says you never let anybody
use your phone.

337
00:19:20,923 --> 00:19:24,883
Just call him. OK. 2,500 going once.
No, it isn't.

338
00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:27,483
Come on, Amjad. Um...
What's the problem?

339
00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:31,763
I can't remember his number. It's
in my phone! No, it isn't. It is!

340
00:19:31,763 --> 00:19:36,843
It isn't. Look, there's nothing
under "Daddy". It's under Mr Malik!

341
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:40,483
Oh, yes. 2,500 going twice.

342
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:45,683
Dave, I told you, stop the going.
It's ringing. Last chance.
Anyone else at all. Come on!

343
00:19:45,683 --> 00:19:47,603
Hello? Daddy?

344
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:51,963
I will sell, make no mistake. Hang
on, Dave. Amjad, say something!

345
00:19:51,963 --> 00:19:53,963
Oh!

346
00:19:55,123 --> 00:19:56,323
It's gone to voicemail.

347
00:19:56,323 --> 00:20:00,363
Sold, for £2,500!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

348
00:20:00,363 --> 00:20:02,323
Wait a minute, I didn't mean to.

349
00:20:02,323 --> 00:20:07,083
Wait... I didn't mean...
Oh, twaddi.

350
00:20:14,203 --> 00:20:17,003
Thank you. Thank you so much.

351
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:20,163
I must say, I didn't expect you
to outbid Mr Malik like that.

352
00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:22,763
Nor did I!
Now what am I going to do?

353
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:26,083
That was our rainy day money.
It was a very generous bid.

354
00:20:26,083 --> 00:20:28,323
It's not a bid,
it's a death sentence.

355
00:20:29,443 --> 00:20:31,083
My wife's going to kill me.

356
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:33,083
You never know,
she might be quite pleased.

357
00:20:33,083 --> 00:20:36,803
That I spent £2,500 on a carpet?
I don't think so.

358
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,843
Oh, it's not a carpet, Mr Khan.

359
00:20:38,843 --> 00:20:40,923
Don't tell me it's bloody lino?

360
00:20:41,963 --> 00:20:47,043
It's luxury family holiday,
courtesy of Mr Butt's Travel Agency.

361
00:20:47,043 --> 00:20:51,923
You're joking? No. It's all
inclusive. Flights, hotels, the lot.

362
00:20:51,923 --> 00:20:57,403
Dave, I love you.
You great big ginger beer!

363
00:20:57,403 --> 00:20:58,843
You saved my life!

364
00:20:58,843 --> 00:21:03,843
You're welcome. It's fantastic.
Luxury holiday. Where to?

365
00:21:03,843 --> 00:21:09,043
It's an Umrah trip.
A pilgrimage to Mecca.

366
00:21:15,323 --> 00:21:18,323
Maybe I should just
forget about the honeymoon

367
00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:20,523
until we can afford to go
somewhere nice.

368
00:21:20,523 --> 00:21:22,043
Don't worry, Beti.

369
00:21:22,043 --> 00:21:25,123
Your father will be back soon
and you never know,

370
00:21:25,123 --> 00:21:26,923
you may have a treat in store.

371
00:21:28,283 --> 00:21:31,363
Hello, I'm home!
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

372
00:21:31,363 --> 00:21:33,403
Here he is now.

373
00:21:33,403 --> 00:21:38,083
Ah, there you all are.
Hello, Papaji.

374
00:21:38,083 --> 00:21:42,043
Hello, hello. Everything all right?

375
00:21:42,043 --> 00:21:45,123
How was your day?

376
00:21:45,123 --> 00:21:50,643
Very good. Excellent.
No problems at all.

377
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,963
Have you got anything to tell us?

378
00:21:52,963 --> 00:21:58,003
No, I don't think so.
Maybe to Shazia? No.

379
00:21:58,003 --> 00:21:59,203
Did you get the money?

380
00:21:59,203 --> 00:22:03,043
Not exactly. What? Better than that.

381
00:22:03,043 --> 00:22:06,523
Shazia, you know you're always
saying I never do anything for you?

382
00:22:06,523 --> 00:22:09,443
Well, I've only just gone
and arranged your honeymoon.

383
00:22:09,443 --> 00:22:16,403
Seriously? Yep, all booked,
bought and paid for. What is it?

384
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:20,763
It's amazing,
that's what it is. Just tell her.

385
00:22:20,763 --> 00:22:25,403
I don't want to spoil it.
Is it a surprise? Oh, yes.

386
00:22:26,603 --> 00:22:31,123
At least give me a clue.
Is it abroad? Huh.

387
00:22:31,123 --> 00:22:34,563
Proper abroad, not like
when we got the ferry to Calais

388
00:22:34,563 --> 00:22:37,443
and sat in the car while you went
round the cash and carry?

389
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:40,803
Do you know how much
I saved on garlic and onions?

390
00:22:40,803 --> 00:22:43,283
I'm not having my honeymoon
in the hypermarket!

391
00:22:43,283 --> 00:22:48,403
Chillax! You're going on aeroplane,
staying in hotel,

392
00:22:48,403 --> 00:22:51,843
all expenses paid. Really?

393
00:22:51,843 --> 00:22:56,043
So will there be sun? Oh, yes.

394
00:22:56,043 --> 00:22:59,883
And sea? It's NEAR the sea.
And sand?

395
00:22:59,883 --> 00:23:04,963
There's sand, all right.
I think I know! Do you?

396
00:23:04,963 --> 00:23:10,483
The place where we're going, does it
begin with "M"? Yes. Oh, my God!

397
00:23:10,483 --> 00:23:12,483
Oh - my - God!

398
00:23:12,483 --> 00:23:13,883
You're getting warmer.

399
00:23:19,283 --> 00:23:22,723
Thanks, Dad. Thank you so much!

400
00:23:22,723 --> 00:23:25,963
That's all right. I'm sorry I said
you never did anything for me.

401
00:23:25,963 --> 00:23:28,603
It's all right. And I'm sorry I said
you were a cheapskate.

402
00:23:28,603 --> 00:23:32,523
And... Yes, OK, OK. You don't need
to keeping going on about it.

403
00:23:32,523 --> 00:23:36,923
Well done. And what about
our holiday, did you book that?

404
00:23:36,923 --> 00:23:41,803
Ah, just like you wanted.
Is it as exciting as Shazia's?

405
00:23:41,803 --> 00:23:44,523
Very similar.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

406
00:23:46,123 --> 00:23:48,883
And is it Muslim-friendly?
Will there be halal food?

407
00:23:50,163 --> 00:23:52,763
You've got no worries there.

408
00:23:52,763 --> 00:23:55,803
Oh! This is so great.

409
00:23:55,803 --> 00:23:58,243
I can't believe I get to go
to the Maldives!

410
00:23:58,243 --> 00:24:01,923
Not Maldives. Mecca!

411
00:24:03,203 --> 00:24:05,963
What? Mecca?

412
00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:08,883
I booked you an Umrah trip.

413
00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:14,123
I'm spending my honeymoon in Mecca?!
I know. Good, eh?

414
00:24:14,123 --> 00:24:19,523
And what about us?
Where are we going? Same place.

415
00:24:19,523 --> 00:24:24,723
We're going on their honeymoon?
It's a family package.

416
00:24:24,723 --> 00:24:28,723
We can't go with them
on their honeymoon! Why not?

417
00:24:28,723 --> 00:24:33,763
They want to be alone.
They want some privacy.

418
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:35,163
Oh, no, they won't.

419
00:24:35,163 --> 00:24:38,883
It's a pilgrimage,
no tang tang allowed.

420
00:24:38,883 --> 00:24:41,683
Oh, my God! Mum?

421
00:24:41,683 --> 00:24:45,843
I'd love to go to Mecca, Papaji.
Thank you, Alia.

422
00:24:45,843 --> 00:24:47,923
At least SOMEONE
appreciates my efforts.

423
00:24:47,923 --> 00:24:50,523
I can't though, cos I'm going
to Turkey.

424
00:24:50,523 --> 00:24:53,883
Not any more you're not,
I spent all your money on this. Dad!

425
00:24:53,883 --> 00:24:56,443
We're not even staying
in a nice hotel.

426
00:24:56,443 --> 00:24:59,323
Oh, no. It's one of Mr Butt's
packages, isn't it?

427
00:24:59,323 --> 00:25:04,483
We'll be lucky if we even have
running water. I thought you loved
me, but now you've ruined my life.

428
00:25:04,483 --> 00:25:08,523
Why, why do you do this every time?

429
00:25:08,523 --> 00:25:12,203
Chup! Listen to yourselves.

430
00:25:12,203 --> 00:25:15,283
Do you want to know why I booked
a trip to Mecca? I'll tell you.

431
00:25:15,283 --> 00:25:18,603
I went to the travel agents to book
your holiday to the Maldives

432
00:25:18,603 --> 00:25:21,683
and everywhere else,
but then I thought, "No.

433
00:25:21,683 --> 00:25:25,243
"Why are we doing this?
Why are we being so selfish?"

434
00:25:25,243 --> 00:25:28,123
This is a spiritual journey
that we are expected to take

435
00:25:28,123 --> 00:25:32,923
together as a family.
We are Muslims, after all,
in case you'd forgotten that.

436
00:25:34,403 --> 00:25:37,403
This is a pilgrimage.

437
00:25:37,403 --> 00:25:42,003
It's not about money and expensive
shoes and five-star hotels.

438
00:25:42,003 --> 00:25:48,963
Do you think the Prophet stayed at
the Hyatt Regency? I don't think so.

439
00:25:48,963 --> 00:25:52,323
Shame on you! Your father is right.

440
00:25:52,323 --> 00:25:56,163
Sorry, Dad. It's OK.

441
00:25:56,163 --> 00:25:59,563
DOORBELL RINGS
Alia, get the door.

442
00:25:59,563 --> 00:26:01,283
We were being selfish.

443
00:26:01,283 --> 00:26:03,083
Yes, you were.

444
00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:05,403
Going to the Maldives was just
a silly dream.

445
00:26:05,403 --> 00:26:07,403
It's not what really matters.
You're right.

446
00:26:07,403 --> 00:26:11,203
You know, sometimes in life
you have to realise

447
00:26:11,203 --> 00:26:15,563
it's not all about
me, me, me, me, me.

448
00:26:16,763 --> 00:26:19,603
It's Dave.
Congratulations, Mr Khan!

449
00:26:19,603 --> 00:26:22,803
What? In honour of your
outstandingly generous contribution

450
00:26:22,803 --> 00:26:24,123
to the mosque charity appeal,

451
00:26:24,123 --> 00:26:29,803
we have indeed decided to name
the community room after you!

452
00:26:29,803 --> 00:26:31,643
APPLAUSE BUILDS

453
00:26:31,643 --> 00:26:36,483
This is so unexpected.
We did the sign like you wanted.

454
00:26:37,883 --> 00:26:39,203
I didn't ask for a sign.

455
00:26:40,243 --> 00:26:43,203
Let's not make a song and dance
about it.

456
00:26:43,203 --> 00:26:45,923
DHOL DRUMMING AND MUSIC

457
00:26:48,283 --> 00:26:52,243
The important thing is,
this is not all about me.

458
00:26:53,803 --> 00:26:57,563
You've ruined your daughter's
honeymoon and our last
family holiday together.

459
00:26:57,563 --> 00:27:02,203
You've spent every penny we have
in order to get some ping-pong
room named after you.

460
00:27:02,203 --> 00:27:05,763
And you haven't even fixed the sink!

461
00:27:05,763 --> 00:27:07,283
MUSIC STOPS

462
00:27:08,963 --> 00:27:11,123
Awkward.

463
00:27:16,563 --> 00:27:21,003
OK, Shazia, you can have
your honeymoon in the Maldives.

464
00:27:21,003 --> 00:27:24,563
What? How? I don't want
to talk about it.

465
00:27:25,643 --> 00:27:29,483
Your father has spoken to Mr Malik.
He has agreed to buy the Umrah trip

466
00:27:29,483 --> 00:27:32,683
in exchange for the community room
being named after him instead.

467
00:27:32,683 --> 00:27:36,643
Oh, my God! Dad, are you sure?
Of course he's sure.

468
00:27:36,643 --> 00:27:39,403
Our daughter's happiness
is more important.

469
00:27:39,403 --> 00:27:41,563
Great! And I can go on my trip
to Turkey.

470
00:27:41,563 --> 00:27:46,523
No. The rest of the money, we're
spending on a luxury family holiday.

471
00:27:46,523 --> 00:27:49,683
But you said your daughter's
happiness was more important.

472
00:27:49,683 --> 00:27:52,683
Not as important
as your mother's happiness.

473
00:27:53,883 --> 00:27:57,763
It's a static caravan
in Great Yarmouth.

474
00:27:57,763 --> 00:28:01,243
I know. It's going to be wonderful.

475
00:28:01,243 --> 00:28:04,483
And now, your father and I
are going up to our bedroom

476
00:28:04,483 --> 00:28:06,083
and we are not to be disturbed.

477
00:28:06,083 --> 00:28:09,203
How long for?
Ten minutes should do it.

478
00:28:10,723 --> 00:28:12,643
HE LAUGHS MEEKLY

479
00:28:15,363 --> 00:28:19,003
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