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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

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Community leader.

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They all know me...
You like my suit?

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Number one - Citizen Khan.

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# I am sailing

6
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# I am sailing

7
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# Home again

8
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# To Pakistan. #

9
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Hia! Sweetie!

10
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Can't a man have some privacy?

11
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It's Shazia's dinner tonight.
Others need the bathroom.

12
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But it's my day off!

13
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Day off from what?

14
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I'm a busy community leader,
my darling!

15
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I'm always on the go.

16
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Today I am doing absolutely
nothing.

17
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I'm having a long soak

18
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and then spending the rest of
day in my armchair in my
birthday suit.

19
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What?

20
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In the pyjama suit
I got for my birthday.

21
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Right. You know the bath is still
leaking? We have to call a plumber.

22
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Plumbers cost money, sweetie.

23
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Mrs Tawfiq uses a really nice
Polish man. Maybe you'll call him?

24
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No! Not Polish!

25
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We need to keep Britain British!

26
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I'll get a Pakistani in.

27
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Fine, but do it today.

28
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But it's my day off!

29
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We'll just stop having baths.

30
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What am I supposed to do?

31
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You can use my water.

32
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It's a good English tradition.

33
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Just like Victorian times.

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BUBBLING

35
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I'm going to make
my aloo keema tonight.

36
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Nice and spicy. Is that OK?

37
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Oh, yes, please!

38
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That's great, Mum.
Don't make it too spicy, though.
Matt and Debbie don't like it.

39
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I'm going to ask Debbie to be my
maid of honour. Ah, that's nice.

40
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Now we've put the wedding
date to next year, we want to get
really organised, don't we, budhoo?

41
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Yes. It's going to be
my dream wedding.

42
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And Shazia's.

43
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And you won't fight
with Amjad's mum, will you?

44
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No, of course not.

45
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Don't worry, beti, we won't do
anything to embarrass you.

46
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Dad!

47
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What? Er...

48
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This is my birthday gift from
my favourite daughter, sweetie.

49
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I gave you socks!

50
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I know.

51
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Please promise me you're going to
change by tonight.

52
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You can't show me up
in front of Matt and Debbie!

53
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Oh, not Matt and Debbie!

54
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What's so special about those two?

55
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She's my best friend. And my boss.

56
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And...I'm going to ask her
to be my bridesmaid.

57
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Shazia, we Pakistanis
don't have bridesmaids.

58
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In our culture, your bride becomes
your maid -

59
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your housemaid, chambermaid...

60
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teasmaid.

61
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It's our wedding, and I can have
a bridesmaid if I want.

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And so can I!

63
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This is my house.
And it's my day off.

64
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And if I want to sit in my armchair

65
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in my birthday suit

66
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in all my glory, then I can.

67
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Why do you think I never
bring any friends home?

68
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Because no-one likes you?

69
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Don't be so grumpy! She's just
excited about her wedding.

70
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Remember how exciting our
wedding was?

71
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It was so romantic...
the sun setting over the hills,

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the call to prayer
echoing around the minarets,

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the smell of spices
hanging in the hazy air.

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Yes, there's nowhere quite like
the Walsall Trusthouse Forte.

75
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IN URDU: Oi! Bugs Bunny!
Lakey ow a cuppee et biscoot.

76
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I'll get them, Mummy.

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Come on, move.

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Nahin!

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This is my chair! Move!

80
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You got the whole sofa there!

81
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Let me have my chair.

82
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Come on. Nahin!

83
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You want biscoot?

84
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Eh? You like that, don't you?

85
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It's your favourite. Custard creamy.

86
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Haan.

87
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It's right here.

88
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You just have to reach out
and take it.

89
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It's OK.
I'll stand all the way over here.

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Yes! Get in! Allah hu Akbar!

91
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Here you are.

92
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Here, Papaji,
I brought you a newspaper.

93
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Thank you, Alia. Such a good girl!

94
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This one is absolutely perfect.

95
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Nothing she could do
would ever disappoint me.

96
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That's good, because my exam results
have arrived.

97
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I hope she hasn't done badly.

98
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She won't have done badly!

99
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She's studying at the library
till all hours.

100
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Sometimes she doesn't get back till
two or three in the morning!

101
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What does "E" stand for?

102
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I think it's short for excellent.

103
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Vah!

104
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She got Es?!

105
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No, only one E.

106
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Oh, thank God!

107
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The rest are "U"s.

108
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What's that? Unbelievably good?

109
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It means she failed them.

110
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We'll have to send her
to the New Muslim Academy.

111
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They'll sort her out.

112
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No, not the New Muslim Academy!
She can't go there!

113
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Why not?

114
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They got boys there.

115
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So?

116
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So...we need to protect her.

117
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Alia is an innocent flower.

118
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She knows nothing
of the ways of the world.

119
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This is our daughter's education
we're talking about.

120
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Don't you remember what you promised
me when Alia was born?

121
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What do you mean?

122
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Snippy, snippy?

123
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No! You promised
you'd do whatever it took

124
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to give her all the opportunities
we never had.

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You're right, I'll do it!

126
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You might want to get changed first!

127
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Salaam Aliekum, Mr Khan.

128
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Weleikum Asalaam, Riaz.

129
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Salaam Aliekum!

130
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Omar. Where's Dave?

131
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He's not here. It's an inset day.

132
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What's that?
Gingerspeak for skiving?

133
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Amjad, get on computer. OK, sir!

134
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I've decided to send the good
daughter to the New Muslim Academy.

135
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You have to pay to go to
the Muslim Academy, though.

136
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I always say...
you can't put a price on education.

137
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That is true.
When I was a young boy in Somalia,

138
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I had to walk seven miles to school
every morning.

139
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And in the evening, I would walk
seven miles back home again.

140
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Every week, I walked five times
two times seven miles.

141
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Which is ten times seven miles.

142
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Which is 70 miles.

143
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So?

144
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You must know your times tables.

145
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Education is important. I'm doing
evening classes at the moment.

146
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Plumbing for beginners. I got to get
out of the funeral game.

147
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Why's that?

148
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People are living longer.
It's a dying business.

149
00:08:00,923 --> 00:08:03,963
Hey! You can come round
and fix my bath.

150
00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:06,723
It would be good practice for you!
We haven't done baths yet.

151
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Relax - it's just like a big sink!

152
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You can come round today.

153
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I don't know.

154
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It's all right. I won't charge you.
OK, thanks.

155
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This is it, sir.

156
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Vah! What do you think?

157
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Looks impressive, huh?

158
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Hai, it certainly does.

159
00:08:24,323 --> 00:08:28,523
Right, let's see...
fees, fees, fees, fees...

160
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Hai!

161
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What is it, sir?

162
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Nothing. It's just a little bit
more than I expected.

163
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How much is it?

164
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£4,000 a year!

165
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Oh, my!

166
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Not per year - per term.

167
00:08:41,523 --> 00:08:42,963
But that means it's...

168
00:08:44,243 --> 00:08:48,043
Three times four. That's £12,000.

169
00:08:48,043 --> 00:08:50,043
But I can't afford that!

170
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You said you can't put a price
on education.

171
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Well, they're giving it
a bloody good go!

172
00:08:55,163 --> 00:08:58,043
You could try somewhere
that does scholarships.

173
00:08:58,043 --> 00:09:00,243
No, no, no! We are Muslims!

174
00:09:00,243 --> 00:09:04,043
I'm not sending my daughter
to an over-priced,
snooty-snotty, hoity-toity

175
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Hogwarts school for English peoples.

176
00:09:06,243 --> 00:09:10,483
"Scholarship" means
they pay the fees for you.

177
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Amjad, get out of the way!

178
00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:19,843
Come on, come on! The lady said the
headmaster will be here in a minute.

179
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What are we doing here?

180
00:09:21,323 --> 00:09:24,243
We're getting private
education Pakistani-style...

181
00:09:24,243 --> 00:09:25,683
free!

182
00:09:25,683 --> 00:09:29,083
But how can I get a scholarship?
I've failed my exams.

183
00:09:29,083 --> 00:09:31,243
Exams got nothing to do with it.

184
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What?

185
00:09:32,563 --> 00:09:36,523
You are young. You don't understand
how the world works.

186
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Your father will speak to
the headmaster man to man.

187
00:09:40,323 --> 00:09:43,523
The scholarship will be in the bag,
and everything is tickety-boo!

188
00:09:44,723 --> 00:09:47,923
I don't know if I'll fit in here,
Papaji. Alia...

189
00:09:47,923 --> 00:09:50,563
we are just as good as anyone else.

190
00:09:50,563 --> 00:09:54,443
You hold your head high.
Be proud of who you are.

191
00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:57,723
But I thought this place
was only for Catholics.

192
00:10:01,003 --> 00:10:02,203
What?

193
00:10:03,523 --> 00:10:05,643
Anscombe College -
it's a Catholic school.

194
00:10:13,643 --> 00:10:15,243
Oh, twaddi!

195
00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:22,963
Alia, why don't you take off your
coat? It's very warm in here.

196
00:10:27,883 --> 00:10:31,923
And maybe take off some of this
shiny stuff from hijab, huh?

197
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,963
We don't want to seem too flashy.

198
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,443
Very good!

199
00:10:47,443 --> 00:10:48,963
Well done, Alia.

200
00:10:48,963 --> 00:10:51,283
Are we pretending
to be Catholic?

201
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:55,203
Of course not! We're just showing
that we can fit in.

202
00:10:55,203 --> 00:10:57,323
Hello, hello!
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

203
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,283
Asalaa...la la la la...

204
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,843
hallelujah!

205
00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:05,563
It's OK - we like waiting.

206
00:11:05,563 --> 00:11:07,403
Don't we...

207
00:11:07,403 --> 00:11:09,563
Mary?

208
00:11:09,563 --> 00:11:11,443
Oh, yeah!

209
00:11:11,443 --> 00:11:13,723
Patience is a virtue,
as I always say.

210
00:11:13,723 --> 00:11:14,883
Yes, yes, quite right!

211
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,123
Amen.

212
00:11:19,323 --> 00:11:22,963
Yes...
Sorry, er, Professor Stevens.

213
00:11:22,963 --> 00:11:24,923
Pleased to meet you.

214
00:11:27,683 --> 00:11:29,963
And you are?

215
00:11:29,963 --> 00:11:32,563
Mr Kha...Kha...Kha...

216
00:11:33,923 --> 00:11:36,203
Mr Cardinal.

217
00:11:36,203 --> 00:11:37,643
Mr Cardinal?

218
00:11:37,643 --> 00:11:40,243
That's it! Unusual name.

219
00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:41,603
It's Catholic.

220
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:45,443
We're Catholics...

221
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,523
from Pakistan.

222
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:50,843
Oh, I didn't know there was
a Catholic community there.

223
00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,883
Well, we get everywhere, don't we?

224
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,003
So, how can I help you?

225
00:11:57,003 --> 00:11:59,163
It's about my daughter...

226
00:11:59,163 --> 00:12:00,763
I rather thought it might be.

227
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,163
I suppose you must get
lots of parents coming in here

228
00:12:05,163 --> 00:12:08,163
about their children, huh?
Is the Pope a Catholic?

229
00:12:08,163 --> 00:12:10,163
Wait, I know this one!

230
00:12:12,323 --> 00:12:13,603
No, no...

231
00:12:13,603 --> 00:12:15,683
Well, yes, I mean, years ago...

232
00:12:15,683 --> 00:12:17,083
Can we have a scholarship?

233
00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:21,643
Ah, well...there, I'm afraid,
Mr Cardinal, my hands are tied.

234
00:12:21,643 --> 00:12:24,683
I'm sure Mary is a lovely girl, and
we'd be happy to have her,

235
00:12:24,683 --> 00:12:27,963
but at present, we don't have any
scholarship places available.

236
00:12:27,963 --> 00:12:32,003
But you're the head!
Surely you can pull a stringy.

237
00:12:32,003 --> 00:12:34,443
You scratch my Catholic back,
and I'll scratch yours?

238
00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:36,403
No, I'm afraid not.

239
00:12:36,403 --> 00:12:39,003
Unless you're the member
of a minority religion.

240
00:12:39,003 --> 00:12:42,243
I mean, we do have some
discretionary bursaries available

241
00:12:42,243 --> 00:12:45,083
for Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs
and so forth.

242
00:12:45,083 --> 00:12:47,563
It's a way of maintaining
our charitable status, you see.

243
00:12:47,563 --> 00:12:50,443
Hang on, hang on.
That's us! We're that one!

244
00:12:50,443 --> 00:12:52,163
I'm sorry?

245
00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:56,563
We're Muslims. We're a very devout
Muslim family, aren't we, Alia?

246
00:12:56,563 --> 00:12:58,523
Mary.

247
00:12:58,523 --> 00:13:02,123
Her real name's Alia.
We call her Mary for short.

248
00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:04,523
But I got the impression
you were Catholics.

249
00:13:04,523 --> 00:13:05,883
What? No!

250
00:13:05,883 --> 00:13:07,443
You said your name was Cardinal.

251
00:13:07,443 --> 00:13:11,483
We just say that to make it easier
for the English peoples
to pronounce.

252
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:15,403
What is your name? Khan.

253
00:13:17,123 --> 00:13:19,563
I see.

254
00:13:19,563 --> 00:13:22,003
We're a very well-known
Muslim family in Sparkhill.

255
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:25,123
Mr Khan, community leader.
They all know me.

256
00:13:25,123 --> 00:13:27,923
Well, be that as it may, Mr Khan,

257
00:13:27,923 --> 00:13:30,603
I'm afraid we've already have
more minority applicants

258
00:13:30,603 --> 00:13:33,443
than we have scholarships,
so it's... Let's see that.

259
00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:36,803
What?! We're more Muslim
than these buggers!

260
00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:40,283
How can you be more Muslim
than some others?

261
00:13:40,283 --> 00:13:44,643
Well...we're a special type
of Muslim.

262
00:13:44,643 --> 00:13:48,363
Very obscure and, er, exclusive.

263
00:13:48,363 --> 00:13:51,523
Oh, really? What type is that?
Do know much about Islam?

264
00:13:51,523 --> 00:13:55,203
Yes, actually. Oh, twaddi!

265
00:13:55,203 --> 00:13:59,043
Yes, I wrote my thesis on Islam
and its many forms.

266
00:13:59,043 --> 00:14:01,883
I'm fascinated by the groups
and subgroups -

267
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:05,083
the Nizari, the Tayyibi,
the Akbari, the Alevi.

268
00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:08,083
Right. Which one are you?

269
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,043
Well...

270
00:14:13,043 --> 00:14:15,083
we're the... Oh...

271
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:20,403
..the... Oh!

272
00:14:21,563 --> 00:14:23,443
..the...

273
00:14:23,443 --> 00:14:25,123
Oh!

274
00:14:26,163 --> 00:14:28,243
..the OhTwaddis!

275
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,963
The OhTwaddis?

276
00:14:29,963 --> 00:14:32,003
That's it!

277
00:14:32,003 --> 00:14:33,483
I've never heard of them.

278
00:14:33,483 --> 00:14:35,403
Like I said, we're very obscure.

279
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:38,563
A very teeny, tiny minority.

280
00:14:38,563 --> 00:14:41,723
And very oppressed.
We really deserve a scholarship.

281
00:14:41,723 --> 00:14:44,563
Well, if you're suffering
persecution on religious grounds,

282
00:14:44,563 --> 00:14:46,883
then perhaps we should try and find
a way to help.

283
00:14:46,883 --> 00:14:51,123
Yes! Get In! Allah hu Akbar!

284
00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:55,083
I'm sorry? I mean...
We are very persecuted.

285
00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:56,923
No-one likes us.

286
00:14:56,923 --> 00:14:58,643
Not even the other Muslims.

287
00:14:58,643 --> 00:15:01,643
We're different, you see.
In what way?

288
00:15:01,643 --> 00:15:04,043
Well, it's the praying,
for starters.

289
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:05,643
We do it ten times a day.

290
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:08,683
Twice as many as your
normal Muslims...

291
00:15:08,683 --> 00:15:11,163
and we have to do it
standing on one leg...

292
00:15:11,163 --> 00:15:13,323
whilst eating a carrot.

293
00:15:14,803 --> 00:15:17,963
The rabbit is very sacred to
us OhTwaddis, you see.

294
00:15:20,523 --> 00:15:22,563
Remarkable!

295
00:15:22,563 --> 00:15:26,363
Right, right...
Well, let's fill this in.

296
00:15:26,363 --> 00:15:28,243
Great!

297
00:15:28,243 --> 00:15:32,723
I must say, your whole way of life
sounds absolutely fascinating.

298
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,243
I'd love to find out more about it.

299
00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:36,923
Sure! I'll tell you
whatever you want to hear.

300
00:15:37,963 --> 00:15:41,763
Maybe I could come round your house
one day, see things at first hand?

301
00:15:41,763 --> 00:15:44,643
No problem, any time.
You're always welcome!

302
00:15:45,883 --> 00:15:48,283
What about this evening? What?

303
00:15:48,283 --> 00:15:50,643
Well, tonight - is that any good?
OK.

304
00:15:51,843 --> 00:15:55,163
Oh, why don't I bring the papers
with me and we can fill the forms in
then?

305
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,883
Wonderful.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

306
00:16:03,323 --> 00:16:07,123
Mrs Malik, so nice to see you...

307
00:16:07,123 --> 00:16:08,763
and so early.

308
00:16:08,763 --> 00:16:13,403
I came as soon as I heard that
Alia had failed all her exams.

309
00:16:13,403 --> 00:16:15,403
That's very kind of you.
Not at all.

310
00:16:15,403 --> 00:16:18,003
I knew you'd be devastated

311
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,763
and I didn't want to miss it.

312
00:16:23,163 --> 00:16:27,843
But it's fine now because
Mr Khan is going to get her into
the New Muslim Academy.

313
00:16:27,843 --> 00:16:31,923
Oh, I've brought a present
for Shazia.

314
00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:34,683
Really, there was no...
Really, it's nothing.

315
00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:36,443
Just a token!

316
00:16:36,443 --> 00:16:40,723
I was worried it wouldn't fit
because it's so big

317
00:16:40,723 --> 00:16:43,483
and your house is so small.

318
00:16:43,483 --> 00:16:45,243
But it just about gets in!

319
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:50,043
Careful, Amjad! It's very delicate.

320
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:53,003
Please, don't get too close.

321
00:16:53,003 --> 00:16:54,643
But a doli!

322
00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:59,363
It's the doli that was used to carry
in the bride at my wedding.

323
00:16:59,363 --> 00:17:01,003
So not that delicate, then!

324
00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:05,763
Matt and Debbie are here!

325
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,323
Hello!

326
00:17:07,323 --> 00:17:11,483
I'm Mrs Malik, Amjad's mother.

327
00:17:11,483 --> 00:17:16,323
And I'm Mrs Khan, Shazia's mother.

328
00:17:16,323 --> 00:17:18,843
Welcome to my house.

329
00:17:18,843 --> 00:17:21,563
So nice to finally meet you.
Shazia's told us so much about you.

330
00:17:21,563 --> 00:17:23,563
Hey, fella! How's it going?

331
00:17:24,923 --> 00:17:26,883
Pretty good, thanks, fella!

332
00:17:30,203 --> 00:17:32,243
Something smells delicious!

333
00:17:32,243 --> 00:17:33,883
Would you like some snacks?

334
00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:37,043
That would be lovely. Thank you!
I love authentic Pakistani cooking.

335
00:17:37,043 --> 00:17:40,523
In that case, it's lucky
I brought some.

336
00:17:40,523 --> 00:17:42,643
Mum!

337
00:17:42,643 --> 00:17:47,443
Be nice! I just want them to see
we're a nice, normal family,
just like everyone else.

338
00:17:52,043 --> 00:17:54,643
Alia! You can't have that!

339
00:17:54,643 --> 00:17:56,803
Papaji! I was reading that!

340
00:17:56,803 --> 00:18:00,403
Sweetie!
The headmaster is coming over!

341
00:18:00,403 --> 00:18:04,443
So? So...we have to show him how
different us OhTwaddis are.

342
00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:06,483
Western culture not allowed!

343
00:18:06,483 --> 00:18:07,883
"Salman I like him", neighbour!

344
00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:10,043
Not today, Keith!

345
00:18:11,163 --> 00:18:12,683
God, blimey!

346
00:18:12,683 --> 00:18:15,363
I was wondering - you know how
we're getting married next year?

347
00:18:15,363 --> 00:18:17,723
Is there any chance...
MUSIC PLAYS

348
00:18:17,723 --> 00:18:21,443
What the bloody hell's going on?
Turn that racket off.

349
00:18:21,443 --> 00:18:24,563
Dad! Hey, fella! How's it going?

350
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:31,723
Yes! How's it going, fella?

351
00:18:31,723 --> 00:18:33,363
Amjad!

352
00:18:34,803 --> 00:18:36,163
Sorry, sir!

353
00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:41,083
Dad! This is Matt and Debbie.
You know, Debbie - my boss?

354
00:18:41,083 --> 00:18:43,803
Oh, yes! Hello, how do you do?

355
00:18:43,803 --> 00:18:47,883
Oh, it that the time already?
Well, you'd better be getting off!

356
00:18:47,883 --> 00:18:50,283
They've only just arrived!
DOORBELL RINGS

357
00:18:50,283 --> 00:18:53,923
Oh, God! Right, well...why don't you
take a look around the rest of the
house?

358
00:18:53,923 --> 00:18:57,203
Shazia will show you. The backyard
is particularly lovely.

359
00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:00,203
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, twaddi!

360
00:19:00,203 --> 00:19:01,443
Dad! What is going on?

361
00:19:01,443 --> 00:19:02,963
I think...

362
00:19:02,963 --> 00:19:04,003
Hang on.

363
00:19:10,763 --> 00:19:12,803
That's better!

364
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,083
Ah, Mr Khan! Salaam aliekum.

365
00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:24,163
Wa aliekum asalaam. Please come in.

366
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,203
Should I take my shoes off?

367
00:19:26,203 --> 00:19:27,963
Why, have you trod in something?

368
00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:31,123
Or should I stand on one leg?

369
00:19:31,123 --> 00:19:34,963
No, it's OK, we only stand on
one leg on Wednesdays.

370
00:19:36,003 --> 00:19:38,323
I-I-I brought you these carrots.

371
00:19:38,323 --> 00:19:41,323
I hope that's all right,
I don't mean to cause offence.

372
00:19:41,323 --> 00:19:47,323
No, it's OK. It's just that
us OhTwaddies aren't used to
people being so nice.

373
00:19:47,323 --> 00:19:49,083
Normally we just get abused.

374
00:19:49,083 --> 00:19:53,163
All right, Mr Khan? I heard you
needed a plumber for your bath.

375
00:19:53,163 --> 00:19:57,403
Oh, I see! Because we are dirty,
is that it?

376
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,963
People can be so cruel.

377
00:20:00,963 --> 00:20:03,563
Right, this is the bloke I use.

378
00:20:03,563 --> 00:20:08,843
Oh, hate mail too! Why can't
you people just leave us alone?

379
00:20:10,283 --> 00:20:14,603
Please, come through...to our
typical OhTwaddi living room.

380
00:20:14,603 --> 00:20:17,843
Would you mind if I took notes?
This is all so interesting.

381
00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:20,643
Suit yourself, but I'm afraid
you can't stay long, though.

382
00:20:20,643 --> 00:20:22,363
We've got to go to the mosque soon.

383
00:20:22,363 --> 00:20:26,203
Today is a very important day in
the OhTwaddi religious calendar.

384
00:20:26,203 --> 00:20:29,803
Really? What's it called?
It's a festival. A feast day!

385
00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:32,163
The feast of Mattandebbaay!

386
00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:36,763
Amazing! Amazing, this is all
completely new to me.

387
00:20:36,763 --> 00:20:38,963
Good, eh? You see how
different we are.

388
00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:41,243
And, er...is this Mrs Khan?

389
00:20:41,243 --> 00:20:43,323
Steady on! We're not that different!

390
00:20:45,083 --> 00:20:48,763
She's the mother-in-law.
Mrs Khan's in the kitchen.
Oh, perhaps we should say hello.

391
00:20:48,763 --> 00:20:54,323
No! Er, the OhTwaddi married
women must be kept separate
from men at all times...

392
00:20:54,323 --> 00:20:56,483
But what about...?

393
00:20:56,483 --> 00:20:59,003
Oh, it's OK. Her husband is dead.

394
00:20:59,003 --> 00:21:00,443
Lucky fellow.

395
00:21:02,403 --> 00:21:05,523
Very religious, though.
She's always praying. In fact,

396
00:21:05,523 --> 00:21:07,523
I don't know why
she's not praying right now.

397
00:21:08,803 --> 00:21:11,003
HE CLEARS THROAT
Isn't it prayer time?

398
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,243
Eh? Prayers?

399
00:21:12,243 --> 00:21:14,003
Nahin. Come on!

400
00:21:14,003 --> 00:21:16,403
Come on, you want a biscuit?

401
00:21:19,763 --> 00:21:21,603
Come, come, come.

402
00:21:25,443 --> 00:21:27,683
Look at that. Good, eh?

403
00:21:27,683 --> 00:21:31,923
Well, I'm must say, I've always
been fascinated by Muslim sects.

404
00:21:35,243 --> 00:21:36,723
What?

405
00:21:36,723 --> 00:21:39,403
I'm very interested in Muslim sects.

406
00:21:43,563 --> 00:21:44,723
Are you?

407
00:21:44,723 --> 00:21:47,843
Oh, yes. It's an extremely
exciting subject.

408
00:21:47,843 --> 00:21:50,283
What about you? How do you fit in?

409
00:21:55,563 --> 00:21:56,883
How do I fit in where?

410
00:21:56,883 --> 00:22:01,363
Well, with all the sects. Would you
say you were fairly orthodox?

411
00:22:03,443 --> 00:22:05,763
Well, quite orthodox.

412
00:22:05,763 --> 00:22:07,763
Bedroom mostly...

413
00:22:09,003 --> 00:22:11,483
..and occasionally
we try something different.

414
00:22:12,523 --> 00:22:14,043
And are they involved too?

415
00:22:14,043 --> 00:22:16,163
No, they're bloody not!

416
00:22:17,843 --> 00:22:20,803
They're not OhTwaddis?
They're a different sect, are they?

417
00:22:20,803 --> 00:22:23,083
Oh, "sect"! I see what you mean.

418
00:22:24,403 --> 00:22:26,603
Salaam Aieikum, Mr Khan.

419
00:22:26,603 --> 00:22:29,523
Waleikum Asalaam.
What are you doing here?

420
00:22:29,523 --> 00:22:33,883
We fixed the bath, like you said.
It was very fiddly.

421
00:22:33,883 --> 00:22:37,163
You see, we OhTwaddis bathe
all the time.

422
00:22:37,163 --> 00:22:40,123
We have more baths
than you Catholics have babies.

423
00:22:42,243 --> 00:22:44,363
Cleanliness is next to godliness.

424
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:47,163
Exactly! That's the thing
with us OhTwaddis.

425
00:22:47,163 --> 00:22:49,843
We're either bathing or praying.

426
00:22:49,843 --> 00:22:51,923
Oh, look, Alia's praying right now.

427
00:22:51,923 --> 00:22:54,363
Such a good girl! What?

428
00:22:54,363 --> 00:22:57,163
MUSIC PLAYS

429
00:22:57,163 --> 00:23:00,163
That's a traditional
OhTwaddi prayer tune.

430
00:23:00,163 --> 00:23:04,043
We do our special OhTwaddi prayers
to it.

431
00:23:04,043 --> 00:23:07,323
Oh, really? Oh, yes, yeah.
Well, please, please,
don't let me stop you.

432
00:23:07,323 --> 00:23:09,083
Huh? No, no, no, really,

433
00:23:09,083 --> 00:23:12,763
I'd love to see it. Would you
mind if I took a photograph?

434
00:23:37,163 --> 00:23:39,083
Oh, twaddi!

435
00:23:41,723 --> 00:23:44,003
What's that noise?

436
00:23:44,003 --> 00:23:45,803
And why are these doors closed?

437
00:23:51,163 --> 00:23:53,483
Oh, twaddi!

438
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,403
What the hell is going on?

439
00:23:58,403 --> 00:24:02,403
You can't come in here!
Oh, my goodness! Married women!
Do you need to cover their faces?

440
00:24:02,403 --> 00:24:05,363
Well, in her case
it might not be such a bad idea.

441
00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:09,163
Who's that?

442
00:24:09,163 --> 00:24:12,283
No-one! He just came for the
celebration, but he's going to
go now.

443
00:24:12,283 --> 00:24:15,803
Dad! You're showing me up
in front of Matt and Debbie!

444
00:24:15,803 --> 00:24:17,843
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

445
00:24:17,843 --> 00:24:22,883
What a coincidence! We got
a Matt and Debbie at the
festival of Mattandebaay!

446
00:24:22,883 --> 00:24:25,763
Time to go. Professor Stevens?

447
00:24:25,763 --> 00:24:29,323
I thought it was you.
It's Debbie Evans, from
Anscombe Catholic College for Girls.

448
00:24:29,323 --> 00:24:32,523
You were my headmaster. Yes, hello,
Deborah! How are you getting on?

449
00:24:32,523 --> 00:24:34,283
What's a headmaster doing here?

450
00:24:34,283 --> 00:24:37,443
I was trying to get
a bloody scholarship for Alia.

451
00:24:37,443 --> 00:24:41,323
To a Catholic school? What happened
to the Muslim Academy?

452
00:24:41,323 --> 00:24:44,923
I was trying to save some money.

453
00:24:44,923 --> 00:24:46,843
You were trying to do what?

454
00:24:48,003 --> 00:24:49,283
Oh, twaddi!

455
00:24:50,283 --> 00:24:52,723
Sorry, what is it you're saying?

456
00:24:53,843 --> 00:24:56,443
Oh, double twaddi!

457
00:24:56,443 --> 00:24:58,563
What's going on?

458
00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:02,923
I made up a fake religion
to get Alia a free school place.

459
00:25:02,923 --> 00:25:06,603
So are you saying...
there is no OhTwaddi sect?

460
00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:08,843
Yes. You made it all up?

461
00:25:08,843 --> 00:25:12,563
Yes. What, even the carrots?

462
00:25:18,603 --> 00:25:20,003
Yes.

463
00:25:21,723 --> 00:25:25,083
OK, yes, well, thank you very much.
I think I've heard enough.

464
00:25:25,083 --> 00:25:27,803
No, wait, I can explain.

465
00:25:27,803 --> 00:25:29,723
We should leave. Come on, Amjad.

466
00:25:29,723 --> 00:25:31,003
Maybe we should go too.

467
00:25:31,003 --> 00:25:34,043
Amjad! They're leaving!
Do something to help!

468
00:25:34,043 --> 00:25:36,883
Oh, right. Do you need a taxi?

469
00:25:40,523 --> 00:25:43,763
So that's it, then?
Alia's failed all her exams

470
00:25:43,763 --> 00:25:48,163
and now she doesn't have a school
to go to. You have ruined her life.

471
00:25:50,443 --> 00:25:52,523
It's OK.

472
00:25:52,523 --> 00:25:55,123
We'll send her
to the Muslim Academy.

473
00:25:55,123 --> 00:25:57,723
But it's very expensive -
how will you afford it?

474
00:25:59,123 --> 00:26:02,163
I'll find a way.
I'll do whatever it takes.

475
00:26:03,163 --> 00:26:05,523
I'll even...sell...

476
00:26:05,523 --> 00:26:07,283
the Mercedes!

477
00:26:08,923 --> 00:26:11,163
But Papaji, you can't sell your car.

478
00:26:15,203 --> 00:26:16,963
It's all right, sweetie.

479
00:26:16,963 --> 00:26:19,163
Car's not important.

480
00:26:19,163 --> 00:26:21,643
Money is not important.

481
00:26:21,643 --> 00:26:24,243
The most important thing
is your future...

482
00:26:25,243 --> 00:26:27,483
..and I'll take care of it,

483
00:26:27,483 --> 00:26:30,083
no matter how much money
it costs me.

484
00:26:30,083 --> 00:26:33,243
Well...maybe I was being hasty.

485
00:26:33,243 --> 00:26:37,283
Perhaps we can offer you
a free place after all.

486
00:26:37,283 --> 00:26:39,283
Hallelujah!

487
00:26:41,723 --> 00:26:44,243
Do you really mean that?

488
00:26:44,243 --> 00:26:46,683
Yes, there is room for
discretionary application

489
00:26:46,683 --> 00:26:48,483
of the rules for the disadvantaged.

490
00:26:48,483 --> 00:26:52,163
And you are clearly
very disadvantaged.

491
00:26:59,643 --> 00:27:02,163
Here we are. Now let's eat.

492
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:03,683
Shouldn't we wait for Papaji?

493
00:27:03,683 --> 00:27:06,443
He'll be down in a minute.
He's just gone to freshen up.

494
00:27:06,443 --> 00:27:08,043
I'm so sorry about all that.

495
00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:10,403
It's fine. Really! My dad's always
embarrassing me!

496
00:27:10,403 --> 00:27:14,763
I'm sorry too.
I shouldn't have brought the doli.

497
00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:19,163
Oh, no, it's wonderful.
And when the time comes,
Shazia will look beautiful in it.

498
00:27:19,163 --> 00:27:20,963
Aw, thanks, Mum!

499
00:27:20,963 --> 00:27:23,283
It really is fantastic.

500
00:27:23,283 --> 00:27:27,723
The workmanship, it-it-it's
remarkable.

501
00:27:27,723 --> 00:27:29,963
Such intricate fretwork.

502
00:27:29,963 --> 00:27:33,763
Would it be OK if I got in
to have a closer look?

503
00:27:33,763 --> 00:27:35,283
Of course.

504
00:27:35,283 --> 00:27:39,243
But please, do be careful!
It's a family heirloom.

505
00:27:39,243 --> 00:27:40,523
Absolutely!

506
00:27:45,963 --> 00:27:47,483
No harm done!

507
00:27:47,483 --> 00:27:49,683
Oh, thank you so much
for fixing the bath.

508
00:27:49,683 --> 00:27:54,523
It was no trouble. Once we cut out
the joist, it was all plain sailing.

509
00:27:54,523 --> 00:27:56,643
Once you cut out the what?

510
00:27:56,643 --> 00:27:59,243
CREAKING

511
00:28:20,003 --> 00:28:21,923
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

512
00:28:23,963 --> 00:28:26,243
Do we still get a scholarship?

513
00:28:40,723 --> 00:28:43,803
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