1
00:00:02,923 --> 00:00:08,523
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

2
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:14,043
Community leader.

3
00:00:19,643 --> 00:00:23,123
They all know me...
You like my suit?

4
00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:30,043
Number one - Citizen Khan.

5
00:00:31,963 --> 00:00:33,643
KHAN HUMS

6
00:00:37,523 --> 00:00:39,203
I'm worried about Naani.

7
00:00:39,203 --> 00:00:40,563
Me too.

8
00:00:40,563 --> 00:00:41,923
Something's not right, is it?

9
00:00:41,923 --> 00:00:44,403
No.
What do you think's wrong with her?

10
00:00:44,403 --> 00:00:47,363
She's still bloody here,
that's what's wrong with her!

11
00:00:48,843 --> 00:00:50,803
She was only supposed to be
staying one week.

12
00:00:50,803 --> 00:00:52,323
When's she going back to Pakistan?

13
00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:55,643
No, I mean she's not herself.

14
00:00:55,643 --> 00:00:57,163
She's forgetful.

15
00:00:57,163 --> 00:01:00,323
She just sits there all day,
staring into space.

16
00:01:00,323 --> 00:01:02,043
She's old lady.

17
00:01:02,043 --> 00:01:04,163
What do you want her to do?
Hokey bloody cokey?

18
00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:10,603
It says in my magazine that Naani's
behaviour could be the first sign
of,

19
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:12,043
you know, losing it a bit.

20
00:01:12,043 --> 00:01:13,523
Maybe I should call someone.

21
00:01:13,523 --> 00:01:14,803
Good idea.

22
00:01:14,803 --> 00:01:15,923
How about travel agent?

23
00:01:17,483 --> 00:01:20,203
If she doesn't perk up soon,
she's not going back to Pakistan.

24
00:01:20,203 --> 00:01:22,003
She'll just have to stay here
with us.

25
00:01:22,003 --> 00:01:23,043
What?!

26
00:02:09,443 --> 00:02:12,403
Aargh! Aargh!

27
00:02:12,403 --> 00:02:16,003
SHE SPEAKS IN URDU

28
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,323
You scared the life out of me!

29
00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:28,323
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

30
00:02:29,563 --> 00:02:30,763
Hello, Papaji.

31
00:02:30,763 --> 00:02:32,523
Just doing my homework.

32
00:02:32,523 --> 00:02:35,923
Such a good girl! All right,
Naanijaan?

33
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:38,723
Looking forward to going back
Pakistan?

34
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:41,803
It's got much better
while you've been here, you know.

35
00:02:43,483 --> 00:02:45,483
I hear they got a Nando's there now!

36
00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:48,643
Piri-piri chicken yum yum, isn't it?

37
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:52,363
We can't send her back
to Pakistan like this.

38
00:02:52,363 --> 00:02:55,443
Of course we can.
She's fine. Aren't you, Naanijaan?

39
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,723
SHE SPEAKS URDU
...idiot!

40
00:02:57,723 --> 00:02:59,683
See? Perfectly normal.

41
00:02:59,683 --> 00:03:02,363
Naani, you want a biscuit?

42
00:03:03,523 --> 00:03:05,003
It's a good one.

43
00:03:05,003 --> 00:03:06,043
Custard creamy.

44
00:03:07,843 --> 00:03:11,203
Nahin. Come on.
Have a little biscuit.

45
00:03:11,203 --> 00:03:14,203
Come on, come on, come on.

46
00:03:14,203 --> 00:03:16,283
Dad! She's not a dog!

47
00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:19,243
I know that, Shazia.

48
00:03:19,243 --> 00:03:20,563
Maybe she needs a walk.

49
00:03:21,643 --> 00:03:23,443
You want to go walkies?

50
00:03:23,443 --> 00:03:25,123
This isn't right.

51
00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:27,323
Look, there's a test in here.
Let's try it on her.

52
00:03:27,323 --> 00:03:29,283
Ah, good idea, then you'll see.

53
00:03:29,283 --> 00:03:31,323
Come on, come on!

54
00:03:35,403 --> 00:03:38,723
Naanijan, we just want to ask you
a few questions, is that OK?

55
00:03:38,723 --> 00:03:40,403
Easy peasy.

56
00:03:40,403 --> 00:03:41,923
Go on, ask her the first one.

57
00:03:41,923 --> 00:03:44,243
OK. Ready? Haan.

58
00:03:44,243 --> 00:03:49,203
In one minute, name five animals
you would find on a farm.

59
00:03:52,803 --> 00:03:55,603
Five animals you would find
on a farm, Naanijaan.

60
00:04:25,363 --> 00:04:27,323
Sheep.

61
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,283
Sheep! Very good.

62
00:04:32,283 --> 00:04:33,523
Any more?

63
00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:40,483
Sheep.

64
00:04:40,483 --> 00:04:42,883
You said sheep.

65
00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:51,483
Supermarket.

66
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:53,723
What?!

67
00:04:53,723 --> 00:04:56,163
I mean, what, what, what?

68
00:04:57,763 --> 00:05:00,283
Try to think, Naanijaan.

69
00:05:11,043 --> 00:05:12,403
Pig.

70
00:05:14,403 --> 00:05:15,763
Pig!

71
00:05:15,763 --> 00:05:17,683
Very good. Only three more.

72
00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:22,923
HE CLIP-CLOPS

73
00:05:26,603 --> 00:05:27,803
What are you doing?

74
00:05:27,803 --> 00:05:31,603
I think there's a leak
coming from under the sink, sweetie.

75
00:05:33,163 --> 00:05:36,163
Oh, no, time's up.

76
00:05:36,163 --> 00:05:39,443
You did really well, Naanijaan,
really well.

77
00:05:39,443 --> 00:05:40,803
(She only got two!)

78
00:05:40,803 --> 00:05:42,363
Two's good.

79
00:05:42,363 --> 00:05:44,083
In Pakistan, that's an A plus.

80
00:05:46,243 --> 00:05:47,683
We can't send her back like this.

81
00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:49,363
Of course we can!

82
00:05:49,363 --> 00:05:52,043
No, she's just going to have to stay
here and live with us.

83
00:05:52,043 --> 00:05:53,723
No bloody way!

84
00:05:53,723 --> 00:05:56,923
I'm not breaking the news to
immigration.

85
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,243
Oh, hello!

86
00:05:58,243 --> 00:06:00,923
We're sorry, we've got one more.

87
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,963
She needs to get out more.

88
00:06:04,963 --> 00:06:07,843
Get some stimulation,
meet new people.

89
00:06:07,843 --> 00:06:10,763
Maybe you could take her
to the mosque! What, me?!

90
00:06:10,763 --> 00:06:13,043
But I'm getting on the mosque
committee, sweetie.

91
00:06:14,683 --> 00:06:17,603
Yes, OK, yes, I'll take her.

92
00:06:17,603 --> 00:06:21,043
Good. And you could sign her up
for some classes.

93
00:06:21,043 --> 00:06:24,763
Good idea - maybe we could start
with bloody charades!

94
00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:37,443
There must be something on
at the community centre you like.

95
00:06:37,443 --> 00:06:39,323
Karaoke night. That sounds good, eh?

96
00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:43,843
Come on! Everyone likes karaokes!

97
00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:45,363
Who could you do?

98
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,123
Maybe one of the older lady singers,
eh?

99
00:06:48,123 --> 00:06:49,443
Cher!

100
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,563
No.

101
00:06:50,563 --> 00:06:52,243
Diana Ross!

102
00:06:52,243 --> 00:06:54,083
No. Lulu!

103
00:06:54,083 --> 00:06:57,163
# We-e-e-e-ll... #

104
00:06:57,163 --> 00:06:58,403
...aah! Allah hu Akbar!

105
00:07:02,043 --> 00:07:03,683
SHE SPEAKS URDU

106
00:07:03,683 --> 00:07:05,243
I want you to go back home too,

107
00:07:05,243 --> 00:07:07,443
but Mrs Khan wants you
to cheer up first.

108
00:07:08,443 --> 00:07:12,043
Oh, how about Wing Chung Kung Fu
self-defence class?

109
00:07:12,043 --> 00:07:13,683
Protect yourself from the muggers.

110
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,963
Ah ha-ha wooah...

111
00:07:14,963 --> 00:07:18,803
Ahh... Raargh...

112
00:07:23,323 --> 00:07:25,403
Salaam Aleikum.

113
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,363
Weleikum Asalaam.

114
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,763
It's all right, Naani,
they're not muggers.

115
00:07:31,483 --> 00:07:34,643
It's Omar and Riaz. You remember
the mother-in-law, don't you?

116
00:07:34,643 --> 00:07:36,163
Of course.

117
00:07:36,163 --> 00:07:37,283
Salaam Aleikum.

118
00:07:37,283 --> 00:07:43,363
I hope that Allah continues to bless
you with a long and happy life,

119
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,843
and may his bounty rain down
upon your head always!

120
00:07:48,883 --> 00:07:50,163
Hello.

121
00:07:53,803 --> 00:07:57,563
I'm trying to find her something
to do. Otherwise she just sits
there staring into space.

122
00:07:57,563 --> 00:07:59,563
My grandmother, back in Somalia,

123
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:02,403
she had become very forgetful
when she was old.

124
00:08:02,403 --> 00:08:06,923
We were very worried, so we spoke
to the village's traditional healer

125
00:08:06,923 --> 00:08:09,803
and he gave us
some very good advice.

126
00:08:09,803 --> 00:08:13,723
Yes, thank you, but I'm not
feeding my mother-in-law
some medicine

127
00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:16,683
made of snake's blood
to drive out the evil spirits.

128
00:08:16,683 --> 00:08:18,763
I was going to suggest Sudoku.

129
00:08:22,843 --> 00:08:25,043
Just get her some tea
and a biscuit, will you?

130
00:08:25,043 --> 00:08:27,043
I'm going to see the new mosque
manager.

131
00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:29,323
He's going to put me
on the committee.

132
00:08:29,323 --> 00:08:30,843
It's OK. He's a good guy.

133
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:33,323
Oh! Have you met him?
Yes, we have.

134
00:08:33,323 --> 00:08:34,723
And is he one of us?

135
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,243
Oh, yes.

136
00:08:36,243 --> 00:08:37,803
Oh, thank God for that.

137
00:08:37,803 --> 00:08:40,283
Things are going to be different
around here.

138
00:08:40,283 --> 00:08:42,363
Now we've finally got rid of
ginger Dave.

139
00:08:42,363 --> 00:08:43,803
I liked Dave.

140
00:08:43,803 --> 00:08:45,043
Don't get me wrong.

141
00:08:45,043 --> 00:08:47,643
I got nothing against ginger peoples
in the mosque,

142
00:08:47,643 --> 00:08:51,763
but once you let one in,
then the floodgates open.

143
00:08:52,763 --> 00:08:56,523
We got to guard ourselves
from this creeping gingerfication.

144
00:08:58,763 --> 00:09:01,363
I'm like the brown finger
in the ginger dyke.

145
00:09:04,123 --> 00:09:06,123
Salaam Aleikum.

146
00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:09,323
Aie! Who are you?

147
00:09:09,323 --> 00:09:11,203
I'm the new mosque manager.

148
00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:12,683
Not again!

149
00:09:14,123 --> 00:09:16,363
I thought you said he was one of us?

150
00:09:16,363 --> 00:09:19,083
He is, he's an Aston Villa fan.

151
00:09:20,363 --> 00:09:21,643
Up the Villa!

152
00:09:22,643 --> 00:09:24,283
No! There must be some kind of
mistake.

153
00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:26,203
We've already had a ginger manager,
you see.

154
00:09:26,203 --> 00:09:27,803
Sorry, I'm not with you.

155
00:09:27,803 --> 00:09:30,403
The last mosque manager, Dave -
he was also a ginger

156
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,963
so we've done our bit
for equal opportunities.

157
00:09:33,963 --> 00:09:35,643
Hey, we're not all the same,
you know.

158
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,083
I'm actually nothing like Dave.

159
00:09:37,083 --> 00:09:38,483
What's your name?

160
00:09:39,483 --> 00:09:40,683
Dave.

161
00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:43,523
Oh, God!

162
00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:46,843
And you are? Mr Khan,
community leader, they all know me.

163
00:09:46,843 --> 00:09:47,883
CLEARS THROAT

164
00:09:47,883 --> 00:09:51,443
Well, Mr Khan, I see this job
as a great opportunity.

165
00:09:51,443 --> 00:09:54,203
I want to concentrate on helping
the little people of Sparkhill.

166
00:09:54,203 --> 00:09:56,003
Ah, right, you mean
the Bangladeshis!

167
00:09:57,683 --> 00:10:00,043
I want to try and help
the underprivileged,

168
00:10:00,043 --> 00:10:03,043
the weak, the downtrodden,
those who have lost all hope...

169
00:10:03,043 --> 00:10:05,163
In that case,
you want Wolverhampton.

170
00:10:06,283 --> 00:10:08,363
I'm not sure I follow.

171
00:10:08,363 --> 00:10:12,683
Listen, Dave, all that stuff
I said before about gingers,

172
00:10:12,683 --> 00:10:14,443
I didn't mean you.

173
00:10:14,443 --> 00:10:15,643
You're all right.

174
00:10:15,643 --> 00:10:16,883
Thanks.

175
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,763
You're welcome.

176
00:10:18,763 --> 00:10:22,683
You see, what you have to understand
is, to get anything done round here,

177
00:10:22,683 --> 00:10:25,523
you need a "friend"
on the mosque committee.

178
00:10:25,523 --> 00:10:28,683
Oh, I see - are you on the mosque
committee? I don't know, am I?

179
00:10:28,683 --> 00:10:30,803
I don't know, are you?

180
00:10:30,803 --> 00:10:32,643
I could be.

181
00:10:32,643 --> 00:10:38,123
I don't understand. There aren't
any places on the mosque committee.
That's right. Not any more, eh?

182
00:10:38,123 --> 00:10:41,603
Well, there was one,
but I've already given it
to someone. What? Who?

183
00:10:48,323 --> 00:10:51,683
Right, come on, we've got to go.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?

184
00:10:51,683 --> 00:10:53,563
No!
He was looking for something

185
00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:56,283
for his mother-in-law.
To stop her going doolally.

186
00:10:56,283 --> 00:10:59,363
I've got just the thing - a drop-in
day today at the Community Centre.

187
00:10:59,363 --> 00:11:01,483
Tea and biscuits. Lots of company.
Sound good?

188
00:11:01,483 --> 00:11:05,323
No, thank you!
We don't need any help from you.

189
00:11:05,323 --> 00:11:08,323
Why don't you just go back
to where you came from?

190
00:11:09,363 --> 00:11:10,843
I'll tell you this much, Dave,

191
00:11:10,843 --> 00:11:15,403
since you arrived, this mosque
has gone really downhill.

192
00:11:18,123 --> 00:11:19,883
CAR HORN TOOTS

193
00:11:22,563 --> 00:11:24,723
We're not going home.

194
00:11:24,723 --> 00:11:27,643
I'm going to find something
for you to do if it kills me.

195
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,163
Come on, come on!

196
00:11:31,723 --> 00:11:34,803
SHE SPEAKS URDU
...stupid man!

197
00:11:34,803 --> 00:11:38,443
I'm not taking you home!
There must be somewhere you can go.

198
00:11:38,443 --> 00:11:41,203
How about the hospital?
Lots of old people there.

199
00:11:41,203 --> 00:11:42,843
And you get a free biscuit!

200
00:11:42,843 --> 00:11:43,883
HORN BEEPS

201
00:11:43,883 --> 00:11:47,083
Get a move on!
You're running out of time as it is!

202
00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:59,123
Here we are, see?
This is more like it!

203
00:11:59,123 --> 00:12:01,083
Do the bingo
with lots of other old people.

204
00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:05,323
Not so many Pakistanis, but that's
good. You want to meet different
types, put yourself about a bit.

205
00:12:05,323 --> 00:12:08,483
Hello, there. Are you here for
the bingo? Yes, that's right.

206
00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:11,563
Are you members?
No, we're here for the bingo.

207
00:12:11,563 --> 00:12:13,803
It is a members' club though,
I'm afraid, so...

208
00:12:13,803 --> 00:12:15,283
I don't think you understand.

209
00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:16,603
We don't want to join the club.

210
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:18,123
We're here to do the bingo.

211
00:12:19,123 --> 00:12:20,443
You're here to do the bingo!

212
00:12:20,443 --> 00:12:24,003
I'm so sorry! Of course.
See, I wasn't expecting...

213
00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:25,643
It's OK - this is the mother-in-law.

214
00:12:25,643 --> 00:12:27,123
I'm mainly doing it for her.

215
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:29,563
And her English is getting better
all the time.

216
00:12:29,563 --> 00:12:31,123
Go on, say something in English.

217
00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:33,163
Bugger off!

218
00:12:40,123 --> 00:12:42,203
All right, settle down,
boys and girls.

219
00:12:42,203 --> 00:12:45,403
Settle down. Let's get these balls
rolling, and let's hear

220
00:12:45,403 --> 00:12:50,763
a warm Sparkhill Working Men's Club
welcome for our guest caller
tonight...

221
00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:52,443
Mr Khan.

222
00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:53,763
Mr Khan!

223
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,003
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

224
00:12:57,003 --> 00:12:58,203
Salaam Aleikum.

225
00:13:15,563 --> 00:13:17,363
Two.

226
00:13:19,523 --> 00:13:22,003
Aren't you going to do
"one little duck"?

227
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:24,723
What?
You know. Like the bingo callers.

228
00:13:24,723 --> 00:13:26,203
One little duck, number two.

229
00:13:26,203 --> 00:13:27,443
What are you talking about?

230
00:13:28,483 --> 00:13:30,523
All the numbers
have special nicknames.

231
00:13:30,523 --> 00:13:32,283
Key of the door - 21.

232
00:13:32,283 --> 00:13:33,723
Maggie's Den - number ten.

233
00:13:33,723 --> 00:13:34,883
Sounds stupid!

234
00:13:34,883 --> 00:13:36,123
People like it.

235
00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:38,923
That's why we've got a caller.
If you're not going to do it...

236
00:13:38,923 --> 00:13:40,923
All right! Chillax!
Keep your knickers on!

237
00:13:44,843 --> 00:13:47,083
Right, let's see.

238
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,803
Number of times we pray.

239
00:13:58,123 --> 00:14:00,363
Come on! Number of times we pray!

240
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,483
Five a day, isn't it!

241
00:14:03,483 --> 00:14:06,523
Number of times we pray, five a day!

242
00:14:06,523 --> 00:14:07,763
Five!

243
00:14:15,483 --> 00:14:18,883
Number of prophets
named in the Koran.

244
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:21,643
25!

245
00:14:24,843 --> 00:14:26,363
(What is it now?)

246
00:14:26,363 --> 00:14:28,363
I'm not sure this stuff
is appropriate. What?

247
00:14:28,363 --> 00:14:31,203
Well, I mean, some of them may not
be familiar with Muslim culture.

248
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,243
They're all from Sparkhill,
aren't they? Yes.

249
00:14:33,243 --> 00:14:35,083
They're familiar with Muslim
culture.

250
00:14:40,643 --> 00:14:42,723
What did you do for Ramadan?

251
00:14:44,323 --> 00:14:45,843
Ate nothing.

252
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,163
Ate nothing!

253
00:14:47,163 --> 00:14:49,203
80!

254
00:14:49,203 --> 00:14:51,883
Come on, these are easy ones!

255
00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:02,163
I'm doing a campaign to get rid of
the new mosque manager.

256
00:15:02,163 --> 00:15:03,523
What do you think?

257
00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:07,123
Good, eh?

258
00:15:09,923 --> 00:15:12,803
Naanijaan, you don't have to do
all this!

259
00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:15,603
SHE SPEAKS URDU

260
00:15:15,603 --> 00:15:18,003
You look after me, I look after you.

261
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,363
HE SNIFFS

262
00:15:25,723 --> 00:15:28,323
I now go upstairs to pack suitcase.

263
00:15:29,443 --> 00:15:32,043
I'll call Pakistan
and warn them you're coming.

264
00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:35,563
These last few days,
she's been so much happier.

265
00:15:35,563 --> 00:15:37,803
I told you -
there's nothing wrong with her.

266
00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,363
There's a real spring in her step.

267
00:15:39,363 --> 00:15:41,723
I know, it's the bingo.
They love it.

268
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:44,283
It was a bit of a surprise,
them having bingo at the mosque.

269
00:15:45,923 --> 00:15:48,003
Not really, my darling.

270
00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:50,203
Islam is a very modern religion.

271
00:15:50,203 --> 00:15:52,443
We've got all kinds of things
at the mosque now.

272
00:15:52,443 --> 00:15:55,563
Bingo, line dancing,
over-60s' climbing wall.

273
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:57,843
CLEARS THROAT

274
00:15:57,843 --> 00:15:59,043
Hello, sir.

275
00:15:59,043 --> 00:16:00,643
Hello, Amjad.
I'm learning to cook.

276
00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:02,083
Why?

277
00:16:02,083 --> 00:16:03,563
This is the 21st century, Dad.

278
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,723
Men should pull their weight in
the kitchen just as much as women.

279
00:16:06,723 --> 00:16:10,403
That's right.
So, Shazia's going to teach me.

280
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,243
Me?

281
00:16:12,243 --> 00:16:13,723
I can't cook. Mum'll do it.

282
00:16:15,163 --> 00:16:16,923
All right. Come on then, Amjad.

283
00:16:16,923 --> 00:16:18,563
Let's get on with it. OK.

284
00:16:18,563 --> 00:16:22,363
You know, a lot of people think
cooking isn't very manly.

285
00:16:22,363 --> 00:16:26,123
But what could be more manly
than providing food for your family?

286
00:16:26,123 --> 00:16:30,163
Quite right.
So, what do you want to begin with?

287
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,563
Can we do cupcakes?

288
00:16:40,923 --> 00:16:44,643
Are you still doing your online
prayers, sweetie? What?

289
00:16:44,643 --> 00:16:46,323
Oh, yes, Papaji.

290
00:16:46,323 --> 00:16:49,603
Vah! I can't believe you can
do your prayers online these days.

291
00:16:49,603 --> 00:16:51,923
Neither can I.

292
00:16:51,923 --> 00:16:54,723
But one thing, though,
make sure you're facing this way.

293
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:57,043
Why? So that I'm facing towards
Mecca?

294
00:16:57,043 --> 00:16:58,803
No, you get a better Wi-Fi signal!

295
00:17:02,403 --> 00:17:04,243
Did you know Naani's going away?

296
00:17:04,243 --> 00:17:07,603
Yes, yes. It's a shame, but she's
got to go back to Pakistan sometime.

297
00:17:07,603 --> 00:17:09,043
No, she's not going to Pakistan.

298
00:17:09,043 --> 00:17:11,883
She's gone to Bournemouth for
the weekend with her new friend.

299
00:17:11,883 --> 00:17:13,763
They've got a caravan, apparently.

300
00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:16,163
Which new friend?
The one she met at the bingo.

301
00:17:16,163 --> 00:17:18,203
Oh.

302
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,523
I think it's nice.

303
00:17:19,523 --> 00:17:23,003
Two old ladies
having a nice time together.

304
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:25,683
Yeah. It's not an old lady, though.

305
00:17:25,683 --> 00:17:28,043
What? Naani's friend.

306
00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:29,723
It's not a lady. It's a man.

307
00:17:29,723 --> 00:17:31,963
What?! It can't be a man.

308
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,163
Unless it's the imam?

309
00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:34,923
Or is it your Auntie Fatima?

310
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,363
She looks a bit like a man.

311
00:17:36,363 --> 00:17:39,203
It's not the imam, or Auntie Fatima.

312
00:17:39,203 --> 00:17:41,043
It's a white bloke called Clive.

313
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:42,643
BOTH: What?!

314
00:17:42,643 --> 00:17:44,363
How do you know all this?

315
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,683
It's on her Facebook page.
There's a picture of them - look!

316
00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:53,603
Oh, my God!

317
00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:54,843
It's him!

318
00:17:54,843 --> 00:17:56,483
Do you know him?

319
00:17:56,483 --> 00:17:58,123
No.

320
00:17:58,123 --> 00:17:59,523
Dad...

321
00:17:59,523 --> 00:18:01,083
All right, yes.

322
00:18:01,083 --> 00:18:02,883
So where did she meet him?
At the bingo?

323
00:18:02,883 --> 00:18:04,323
Yes.

324
00:18:04,323 --> 00:18:05,643
So he's a Muslim.

325
00:18:07,163 --> 00:18:08,603
No.

326
00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:10,123
But he was at the mosque?

327
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,923
No.

328
00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:13,363
So where was he, then?

329
00:18:13,363 --> 00:18:16,643
At Sparkhill Working Men's Club.

330
00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:18,283
What?!

331
00:18:18,283 --> 00:18:20,043
It seemed like a good idea
at the time.

332
00:18:20,043 --> 00:18:21,603
She can't go to Bournemouth

333
00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:25,043
with a strange bloke she just met
at a Working Men's Club.

334
00:18:25,043 --> 00:18:27,443
What will the neighbours think?

335
00:18:27,443 --> 00:18:29,283
What will the mosque women's group
say?

336
00:18:29,283 --> 00:18:31,803
Mum's going to go nuts!

337
00:18:31,803 --> 00:18:33,843
She mustn't find out.

338
00:18:33,843 --> 00:18:36,243
How do we turn off the internet?

339
00:18:36,243 --> 00:18:38,163
What's going on?

340
00:18:38,163 --> 00:18:39,643
What is it?

341
00:18:39,643 --> 00:18:41,403
What's happened?

342
00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:43,483
Well, the thing is, sweetie...

343
00:18:43,483 --> 00:18:46,923
You know how Naani's been
really chirpy recently?

344
00:18:46,923 --> 00:18:49,163
Haan. Because she's been
going to the bingo!

345
00:18:49,163 --> 00:18:51,083
Yes.

346
00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:55,003
Well, there's another reason.
What other reason?

347
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:59,043
You know the story
about the snake and the mongoose...

348
00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:00,883
No.

349
00:19:04,003 --> 00:19:06,403
Well, once there was this snake.

350
00:19:06,403 --> 00:19:10,843
She was a very old snake and a bit
grumpy and stuck in her ways,

351
00:19:10,843 --> 00:19:13,123
and no-one liked her very much.

352
00:19:13,123 --> 00:19:16,203
But then one day she met a mongoose

353
00:19:16,203 --> 00:19:17,843
and they became friends.

354
00:19:17,843 --> 00:19:22,723
And the snake community said,
"No, you can't be friends
with a mongoose.

355
00:19:22,723 --> 00:19:27,083
"You're a snake." But after a while,
the snake community calmed down

356
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:31,283
and stopped bothering
the old snake's family,
and no-one really minded.

357
00:19:32,643 --> 00:19:34,963
What the hell are you talking about?

358
00:19:34,963 --> 00:19:38,323
Naani's got a white boyfriend called
Clive, they're going to
Bournemouth together!

359
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,683
What?!

360
00:19:41,683 --> 00:19:42,923
How did this happen?

361
00:19:42,923 --> 00:19:45,443
Where did she meet...Clive?

362
00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:47,563
Sparkhill Working Men's Club.

363
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:48,963
What?

364
00:19:48,963 --> 00:19:51,803
Sweetie! No-one needs to know.

365
00:19:51,803 --> 00:19:53,523
It can be a family secret.

366
00:19:54,723 --> 00:19:57,043
We'll just keep it with the others.

367
00:19:57,043 --> 00:19:59,683
Dad, their photo's on Facebook!
Everyone can see it.

368
00:19:59,683 --> 00:20:01,523
Oh, my God!

369
00:20:01,523 --> 00:20:05,003
No-one's going to look at that.
She's not Britney bloody Spears!

370
00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:07,843
I don't care about all that.

371
00:20:07,843 --> 00:20:11,323
I'm not letting my mother go
to Bournemouth with some strange
man.

372
00:20:11,323 --> 00:20:13,163
You're right.
We'll lock her in her room.

373
00:20:13,163 --> 00:20:15,443
We can push biscuit under the door.

374
00:20:15,443 --> 00:20:18,643
How can she be friends
with a man called Clive?

375
00:20:18,643 --> 00:20:20,923
I mean,
they've got nothing in common.

376
00:20:20,923 --> 00:20:24,403
Exactly! I mean, what have they been
doing all this time?

377
00:20:28,443 --> 00:20:30,163
Oh, my God!

378
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:31,363
You don't think...

379
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:33,643
What? No way!

380
00:20:33,643 --> 00:20:34,963
What?

381
00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:37,923
No wonder she's been so cheerful!

382
00:20:39,083 --> 00:20:40,643
BOTH: Eeewww!

383
00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:44,323
What?!

384
00:20:45,963 --> 00:20:47,043
Tang tang.

385
00:20:47,043 --> 00:20:48,563
Hai! Hai!

386
00:20:50,723 --> 00:20:53,443
I got a little bit of sick
in my mouth.

387
00:20:55,243 --> 00:20:56,523
DOORBELL RINGS

388
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,603
That'll be Naani's booty call!

389
00:21:03,043 --> 00:21:06,763
Naani, why didn't you tell us
you had a new friend?

390
00:21:06,763 --> 00:21:09,643
And that it was a man?

391
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:10,803
Called Clive?

392
00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:14,163
You never asked.

393
00:21:16,403 --> 00:21:18,163
It's Clive.

394
00:21:18,163 --> 00:21:19,363
Hello, there.

395
00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:20,723
Hello, Hobnob.

396
00:21:20,723 --> 00:21:22,083
SHE GIGGLES

397
00:21:23,523 --> 00:21:24,723
Hobnob?!

398
00:21:26,963 --> 00:21:28,683
It's my pet name for her.

399
00:21:28,683 --> 00:21:30,443
Because she's so moreish.

400
00:21:33,203 --> 00:21:35,683
Oh, God!

401
00:21:35,683 --> 00:21:38,203
So you're Naani's new friend?

402
00:21:38,203 --> 00:21:40,843
Yes, yes,
we only met a few days ago.

403
00:21:40,843 --> 00:21:42,923
But it's like
we've known each other forever.

404
00:21:42,923 --> 00:21:44,683
Really?

405
00:21:44,683 --> 00:21:47,443
Now we can't see enough of
each other.

406
00:21:47,443 --> 00:21:51,963
And at our age there's no point
hanging about, is there?
You've got to get on with it.

407
00:21:54,163 --> 00:21:58,083
But how do you...communicate?

408
00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:01,363
Ah, now. Actually,
I was born in India.

409
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,363
In the Punjab.

410
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:07,283
Long time ago, of course,
but I've still got a bit of
the old mother tongue.

411
00:22:07,283 --> 00:22:08,483
Hai!

412
00:22:09,563 --> 00:22:13,243
And, of course, then
there's always body language.

413
00:22:16,563 --> 00:22:18,083
And we use our hands a lot.

414
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:22,803
Ah, she's very gifted in that way.

415
00:22:22,803 --> 00:22:24,643
Hai!

416
00:22:26,043 --> 00:22:27,803
I mean, it can be a struggle,

417
00:22:27,803 --> 00:22:30,323
but somehow she manages to
pull it off!

418
00:22:34,003 --> 00:22:35,163
That's enough!

419
00:22:37,643 --> 00:22:41,723
Now you listen to me, Clive. There
are some things you must understand.

420
00:22:41,723 --> 00:22:45,243
What's that?
There are boundaries.

421
00:22:45,243 --> 00:22:48,203
She's an old Pakistani lady.

422
00:22:48,203 --> 00:22:49,363
It's a cultural thing.

423
00:22:49,363 --> 00:22:50,803
What do you mean?

424
00:22:53,203 --> 00:22:54,843
No tang tang!

425
00:22:57,323 --> 00:22:59,923
I can assure you
there'll be nothing of that nature.

426
00:22:59,923 --> 00:23:02,363
Don't give me that, Clive.

427
00:23:02,363 --> 00:23:04,283
I'm a man of the world.

428
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:08,683
Honestly, Mr Khan,
your mother-in-law and I are
just very good friends.

429
00:23:08,683 --> 00:23:10,723
Please!

430
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,963
I know what your sort get up to.

431
00:23:12,963 --> 00:23:16,403
We've seen those documentaries
on Channel 5.

432
00:23:17,963 --> 00:23:19,083
Now, look...

433
00:23:19,083 --> 00:23:20,163
Oh, no!

434
00:23:20,163 --> 00:23:25,203
Once you've had your way,
you'll be bragging about it
all over Birmingham!

435
00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:29,483
Her reputation will be ruined
and you won't care.

436
00:23:29,483 --> 00:23:31,643
Mr Khan, please! No.

437
00:23:31,643 --> 00:23:34,643
To you, she's just another notch
on the bedpost!

438
00:23:37,203 --> 00:23:39,203
So what? What?

439
00:23:39,203 --> 00:23:42,163
What's the big deal?
She's happy, isn't she?

440
00:23:42,163 --> 00:23:46,523
Alia, beti, you are young and
innocent and, with God's help,

441
00:23:46,523 --> 00:23:48,603
you'll stay that way forever.

442
00:23:50,043 --> 00:23:51,883
You don't understand
what's happening.

443
00:23:51,883 --> 00:23:55,763
Whatever. Naani wasn't happy
and now she is. What does it
matter who her friend is?

444
00:23:55,763 --> 00:23:58,123
Or do you only care about
what other people think?

445
00:24:01,243 --> 00:24:02,563
One minute.

446
00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:12,843
Well, what do you think?

447
00:24:12,843 --> 00:24:14,123
I don't know.

448
00:24:14,123 --> 00:24:15,763
Maybe Alia is right.

449
00:24:15,763 --> 00:24:17,523
Maybe.

450
00:24:17,523 --> 00:24:19,163
So, what do you want to do?

451
00:24:19,163 --> 00:24:22,843
Lock her in! Or send her to my
sister's in Bradford on the coach.

452
00:24:22,843 --> 00:24:25,163
There's no loo, but if she can
hold off till Barnsley,

453
00:24:25,163 --> 00:24:26,443
they'll stop at a services.

454
00:24:26,443 --> 00:24:30,323
Sweetie, if she wants to go,
what can we do?

455
00:24:30,323 --> 00:24:32,083
We can't control her.

456
00:24:32,083 --> 00:24:34,443
Once, it was her trying to
control you, remember?

457
00:24:34,443 --> 00:24:38,683
You know when you were a young girl,
20 years old,

458
00:24:38,683 --> 00:24:42,283
and you went home to your mother
to tell her that you'd seen

459
00:24:42,283 --> 00:24:44,203
this very handsome young man

460
00:24:44,203 --> 00:24:48,523
from the next village,
and you wanted to meet him?

461
00:24:48,523 --> 00:24:50,843
Haan. She refused to let me go.

462
00:24:50,843 --> 00:24:52,003
But I went anyway.

463
00:24:52,003 --> 00:24:54,443
That's right.
And then what happened?

464
00:24:54,443 --> 00:24:57,523
It turned out he was already
married.

465
00:24:59,163 --> 00:25:01,403
But then I met you on the bus
on the way home.

466
00:25:02,883 --> 00:25:05,283
Exactly, it was your lucky day!

467
00:25:06,643 --> 00:25:08,923
So, we should let her go to
Bournemouth?

468
00:25:08,923 --> 00:25:10,043
Haan.

469
00:25:10,043 --> 00:25:11,643
With Clive?

470
00:25:11,643 --> 00:25:13,403
Haan.

471
00:25:13,403 --> 00:25:14,523
OK.

472
00:25:21,803 --> 00:25:23,363
Right.

473
00:25:23,363 --> 00:25:25,563
Mrs Khan and I have had a talk.

474
00:25:25,563 --> 00:25:27,963
You can go to Bournemouth,
with our blessing.

475
00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:31,563
But you have to promise me
one thing. What's that?

476
00:25:31,563 --> 00:25:34,243
Separate caravans.

477
00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:36,843
But really, there's no need.

478
00:25:36,843 --> 00:25:38,203
Oh, yes, there is.

479
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,203
No, there isn't.
I think there is.

480
00:25:40,203 --> 00:25:42,323
Honestly, Mr Khan, there isn't.

481
00:25:42,323 --> 00:25:45,643
Well, just give me one good reason.

482
00:25:45,643 --> 00:25:47,563
I'm gay.

483
00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:56,923
That'll do it.

484
00:25:58,643 --> 00:26:00,363
You don't look very gay.

485
00:26:01,803 --> 00:26:03,523
Well, I don't tell people about it.

486
00:26:03,523 --> 00:26:05,603
I'm the wrong generation, I suppose.

487
00:26:05,603 --> 00:26:07,643
In my day, you kept it to yourself.

488
00:26:07,643 --> 00:26:09,443
Quite right.

489
00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,643
Not that there's anything wrong
with being...

490
00:26:11,643 --> 00:26:13,723
of the gay.

491
00:26:13,723 --> 00:26:17,683
I'm glad you think so.
Of course! I love gay men.

492
00:26:20,643 --> 00:26:22,563
I mean, live and let live, isn't it?

493
00:26:22,563 --> 00:26:24,763
You're a supporter of gay rights,
then?

494
00:26:24,763 --> 00:26:26,163
Absolutely.

495
00:26:26,163 --> 00:26:27,563
Same sex marriage?

496
00:26:27,563 --> 00:26:31,963
Oh, yes! We Pakistanis been having
same sex marriage for years.

497
00:26:31,963 --> 00:26:33,323
Lights off. Tang tang!

498
00:26:33,323 --> 00:26:35,403
Lights on. Cup of tea!

499
00:26:36,483 --> 00:26:38,443
Very refreshing attitude.

500
00:26:38,443 --> 00:26:41,243
I know some people
struggle with the idea.

501
00:26:41,243 --> 00:26:47,283
Clive, what you have to understand
is that in Pakistan, men are men.

502
00:26:47,283 --> 00:26:48,563
We're a very macho culture.

503
00:26:48,563 --> 00:26:50,203
Who wants a cupcake?

504
00:26:54,043 --> 00:26:56,923
So I'll be back tomorrow
to pick her up?

505
00:26:56,923 --> 00:26:58,523
OK.

506
00:27:00,483 --> 00:27:02,123
You'll look after her, won't you?

507
00:27:02,123 --> 00:27:04,003
Don't worry.

508
00:27:06,243 --> 00:27:07,283
Thank you.

509
00:27:07,283 --> 00:27:11,643
And I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone about...

510
00:27:11,643 --> 00:27:14,323
As I say, I like to keep it private.

511
00:27:14,323 --> 00:27:16,083
Don't worry, Clive.

512
00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:18,203
Your secret is safe with me.

513
00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:20,283
Right. Goodbye then, Clive.

514
00:27:20,283 --> 00:27:21,883
Bye-bye.

515
00:27:21,883 --> 00:27:23,803
Until tomorrow, then.

516
00:27:25,043 --> 00:27:27,243
Au revoir, Hobnob.

517
00:27:27,243 --> 00:27:28,483
Ooh!

518
00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:38,643
It's all right, he's gay!

519
00:27:49,443 --> 00:27:51,163
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