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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

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Community leader.

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They all know me...
You like my suit?

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Number one - Citizen Khan.

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MR KHAN SNORES LOUDLY

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You're snoring!

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HE SNORES EVEN LOUDER

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SNORING CONTINUES

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Ugh! Agh!

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HE RESUMES SNORING

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You look smart, Papaji.
Doing something special?

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Very special.

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I'm going to the mobile men's
health clinic at the mosque. What?

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They're doing the testing
for heart disease.

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It's very common with us Pakistanis.

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Did you know, we're in
the top three groups most affected?

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Top three! Good, eh?

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Is something wrong with you?

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No, it's not for me.
I'm fit as a fiddler.

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They're testing the young peoples,
so I'm taking future son-in-law.

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Has Amjad got a heart problem?
No, unfortunately not.

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This way, I get my picture
in the papers. Imagine -

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your father, Mr Khan, on the
front page of the Sparkhill Echo.

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Headline could be,
"Community leader leads community."

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I don't get it.

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This project is
very high-profile, beti.

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Lots of press coverage.
We've got famous Asian

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Member of Parliament coming
down to support it. Oh, which one?

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There's only one famous Asian MP,
darling.

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Keith Vaz? No, the other one.

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You know, I'm doing
this for the whole family.

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Imagine what your classmates
will say when you tell them.

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Yeah, soon I won't be just Alia
Khan,

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I'll be Alia Khan, daughter of
a man who is a friend of an MP.

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Exactly!

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I'm so proud of you, Papaji.

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Wow.

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You're like the son
your mother never gave me.

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Thanks.
So, can I have some money?

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Of course!

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Alia, get some normal clothes on.
We're going shopping.

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Great, where are we going?
TJ's Baby Warehouse.

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It's the biggest outlet store
in the West Midlands.

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What we going there for?
To buy baby clothes. What?!

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We're going to buy baby clothes.
Exciting, isn't it?

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Exciting?!
It's a bloody miracle!

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Not for me, you idiot.

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For Sharmine down the road -
she's due next week.

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And I might pick up
a few things myself.

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What? You're not married.

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It's impossible for
you to have children!

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For when we ARE married.

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We'll be having children then.
God willing.

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And God help us!

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I love babies.

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I love them so much.

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I really, really love them.

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I love their tiny little hands
and their tiny little feet

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and their chubby little cheeks!

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Oh!

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She's off again.
No-one loves babies as much as I do.

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And Amjad is such
a healthy young man.

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He'll have no trouble
producing lots of babies

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when the time comes, eh?

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I'll do my best.

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Well, you can drive us.

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No! I need Amjad to come
with me to the mosque.

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Why? Because it's good
for us to spend time together.

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You're always saying I don't spend

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enough quality time with
him, and you're right.

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He's going to be
a part of this family, after all.

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We are not losing a daughter,
we're gaining a son.

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And we're going to do the
father-and-son bonding stuff,

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just me and him.

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Aaach...

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Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.

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Thanks, Dad.

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All right, don't
get carried away, eh?

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OK, fine. But just meet us outside
the baby shop at one o'clock.

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And take care
of our little baby machine!

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Oh, God!

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Oh, God.

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OK...

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Coming through!
Excuse me. Thank you.

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Yes, and of course I'm delighted
to be showing my support

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for such a fantastic project.

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I'm also very delighted
to be supporting this project.

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Even more so delighted.
Sorry, and you are?

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Mr Khan. Community leader.
They all know me.

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Tony Abbas, er,
Member of Parliament.

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I know who you are. I'm MP, too.

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Oh, really? Yes.

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Muslim Pakistani.

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Right. Well, it's, erm, lovely,
we've had such a strong turnout.

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Isn't it? You know,
I'm always saying

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the National Health Service
is one of our greatest achievements.

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Did you know there are more
Pakistani doctors here now

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than in the whole of Karachi?
That's progress, eh?

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Really? I-I didn't know that.

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Oh, yes. Pakistani
doctors do it all -

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neurologist,
cardiologist, gynaecologist -

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we've got our fingers
in lots of pies.

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Right.

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What about the photos?
When are we going to do them?

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Oh, erm, maybe later.

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It's just I have a
meeting in the mosque.

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OK. Well, maybe we
can have a private chat,

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get a bit of quality time, huh?

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Me and you have got a lot in common.

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All right, see you later!

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OK, who's next, please?

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Reporting for duty.
Salaam alaikum.

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Ready for testing.

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We've just been speaking
to the Member of Parliament.

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We're going to get our photos
taken for the papers later.

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Great. We just need to fill
out some paperwork first.

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Of course. So, name...

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Amjad Malik. A-M-J...

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Wait. What is it?

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That's my name.

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Yes, because you're
the one having the tests.

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Oh. But what about you?

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Amjad, this isn't about me.

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You're the important one.

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But I don't think
I need a health check, sir.

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You're joining the
Khan family now, son.

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Very healthy men in our family.

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Imran Khan, Amir Khan.

129
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Chaka Khan.

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It is a 15-year project, so you
will have to agree to be tested

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for all that time. Yes, he does,
don't you? Put yes. Hold on.

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Date of birth?
8.12.89. And sex?

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I suppose. Eventually.

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Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

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Hello, Dave.
What the hell are you doing here?

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I thought I'd come along
and help out.

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Well, keep your hands off the MP,
I've already bagsied him.

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Actually, Mr Khan, heart disease
is a real issue in the Asian
community.

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We need to do everything
we can to fight it. Yes.

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I don't know
whether you've noticed, Dave,

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but you're not part of
the Asian community.

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Look at me. Face brown, hair black.
That's an Asian.

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Look at you. Face white,
hair ginger. That's a ginger.

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I see only human beings, Mr Khan,
I'm completely colour-blind.

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Well, you'd have to be,
to put up with that hair.

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Well done, Amjad.
You're doing a good thing here.

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You know, heart disease is
the number one cause of death

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amongst middle-aged Pakistani men.

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Is it? Oh, yes.
It's your genes, apparently.

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What about you lot, do you get it?
It's not as bad for us.

151
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Well, I suppose there has
to be some advantages, eh?

152
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How can they tell
if I've got heart disease?

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They give you a cholesterol test,
that's one of the markers.

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But they'll also tell you the heart
attack symptoms to look out for -

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shortness of breath, dizziness,
sharp pain down the left side.

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All right, keep it light. We don't
want to frighten him, do we?

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Two of my cousins had it.

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They found out because they
had the high cholesterol.

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See? What happened to them?

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They all died.

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What? Yep. Just like that.

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One minute, walking
around eating salad.

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Next minute, gone.

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What about you, have you got it?
No. I keep in good shape.

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OK, Mr Malik.

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Amjad? Amjad!

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Amjad! Amjad!

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Are you in here?

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I know you're in here.

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Come on, out!

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It won't take long.

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It'll be over in a jiffy.

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Are you afraid? Is that it?

174
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Don't be afraid. It'll be all right.

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I'll be with you the whole time.

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Open the bloody door!

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I want to get my picture
in the paper!

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Oh, God...

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WATER SPLASHES

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Ohhh!

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Now look what you've made me do!

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It won't hurt.

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I can hold your hand if you like.

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Oh, hello. Fancy meeting you here.

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Go away!

186
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I can't. I'm stuck.

187
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Hello, sir.

188
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Amjad, don't just stand there.
Help me!

189
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The lock's jammed.
Well, climb over, you idiot!

190
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That's dangerous!
Amjad!

191
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I dragged myself 10,000 miles
to this country.

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And you can't even climb over
a toilet cubicle?!

193
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Oh, no!

194
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What is it? Shazia!!

195
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Oooh!

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HE INHALES SHARPLY

197
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Ay-ee!

198
00:10:51,523 --> 00:10:52,883
Ooh!

199
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I think...
I think I heard something go pop.

200
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Well, just try to hold onto it
all until we see the doctor.

201
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What if I can't have children?
What am I going to tell Shazia?

202
00:11:01,283 --> 00:11:03,723
Nothing. There's no
problem, it's all fine.

203
00:11:03,723 --> 00:11:06,803
I've already been worried about it,
to be honest.

204
00:11:06,803 --> 00:11:09,243
My cousin's been trying for ages
to have children.

205
00:11:09,243 --> 00:11:11,883
I think infertility might run
in the family.

206
00:11:13,043 --> 00:11:15,403
And I've had the mumps.
You know what that means.

207
00:11:15,403 --> 00:11:16,683
No...

208
00:11:16,683 --> 00:11:19,803
Well, you get really hot,
and then they start to swell up.

209
00:11:19,803 --> 00:11:22,243
What? You know!

210
00:11:23,643 --> 00:11:25,923
Mine were the size of pomegranates.

211
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:31,923
They're better now.

212
00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:34,083
Pomegranates are great.

213
00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:36,163
The rind stops you getting the runs.

214
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:40,883
That's true, but I find the seeds
always get stuck in your teeth.

215
00:11:42,683 --> 00:11:45,763
I'll just explain what happened and
see if I can get us an appointment.

216
00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:47,963
Hang on, Dave, I'll deal with this.

217
00:11:47,963 --> 00:11:50,723
We don't want the world and his
auntie knowing our private business.

218
00:11:50,723 --> 00:11:53,123
Next, please.
Hello, yes, we are next.

219
00:11:53,123 --> 00:11:55,603
Name? Mr Khan.

220
00:11:55,603 --> 00:11:58,763
K, H for hat, A for Asian,
N for knowledge.

221
00:11:59,883 --> 00:12:02,563
You don't have an appointment today.

222
00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:04,963
No. But we need to see
the doctor urgently

223
00:12:04,963 --> 00:12:07,603
on a bit of a...
(delicate matter)

224
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:11,603
What's it regarding?
I just told you, a delicate matter.

225
00:12:11,603 --> 00:12:13,003
Can you be more specific?

226
00:12:13,003 --> 00:12:14,443
No.

227
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:16,923
They do need to have
some idea, Mr Khan.

228
00:12:16,923 --> 00:12:20,283
Dave, I don't know
if I've ever mentioned this -

229
00:12:20,283 --> 00:12:22,163
but I'm Mr Khan, community leader.

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00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:23,803
They all know me.

231
00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:26,323
If this gets out,
and Mrs Khan hears about it,

232
00:12:26,323 --> 00:12:29,283
I'll need mine sewing back on,
never mind Amjad's!

233
00:12:29,283 --> 00:12:32,683
Honestly, Mr Khan, it's fine.
This is a doctor's surgery,

234
00:12:32,683 --> 00:12:34,523
they have very strict privacy rules.

235
00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:37,643
Anything you say in here will be
treated with the utmost confidence.

236
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Brilliant!

237
00:12:38,963 --> 00:12:41,243
Right, OK...

238
00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:42,803
It's a bit of an urgent matter

239
00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:45,923
concerning the general region
of the dingly-danglies.

240
00:12:45,923 --> 00:12:48,483
I see.
And is the appointment for yourself?

241
00:12:48,483 --> 00:12:50,003
HIGH-PITCHED: Of course not!

242
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:52,963
Do I look like I've got a problem
with my dingly-danglies?!

243
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,163
No!

244
00:12:56,163 --> 00:12:59,523
I'm as fit as a halal butcher's
dog, don't worry about me.

245
00:12:59,523 --> 00:13:01,803
It's for him.

246
00:13:01,803 --> 00:13:03,683
Salaam alaikum.

247
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:07,883
Right. Well, the first available
appointment is next Monday at 10.

248
00:13:07,883 --> 00:13:10,323
Well, that's no good.
We need to see someone now.

249
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:13,363
I'm sorry, we're fully booked.
But it's an emergency.

250
00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:14,923
Look at him, he's beside himself.

251
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:17,563
If he doesn't see a doctor today,
anything could happen.

252
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,403
I might do something stupid.

253
00:13:21,163 --> 00:13:23,763
If you could let us see a doctor,
we would be very grateful.

254
00:13:23,763 --> 00:13:25,203
OK, fine, I'll see what I can do.

255
00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:26,683
There you are, very good.

256
00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:29,523
And make sure
it's with a Pakistani doctor, eh?

257
00:13:29,523 --> 00:13:32,803
We don't want one of those
dodgy foreign ones, you know.

258
00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:35,243
Dr Patel could squeeze you in.

259
00:13:35,243 --> 00:13:37,403
Patel? He's a bloody Indian!

260
00:13:40,683 --> 00:13:43,723
Dr Patel is an excellent doctor.

261
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:45,683
No bloody way!

262
00:13:45,683 --> 00:13:47,123
Who else have you got?

263
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:49,923
Dr Gupta? Indian.

264
00:13:49,923 --> 00:13:52,283
Dr Prakash. Indian!

265
00:13:52,283 --> 00:13:54,803
Dr Man?
Oh, he sounds OK, what's he like?

266
00:13:54,803 --> 00:13:57,083
That's him over there.

267
00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:59,123
No, thank you!

268
00:14:01,403 --> 00:14:04,043
Well, that just leaves Dr Lowry.
And is Dr Lowry...?

269
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:07,043
Dr Lowry is white.
Right, that'll do.

270
00:14:07,043 --> 00:14:09,243
Right, well, take a seat
and wait to be called.

271
00:14:09,243 --> 00:14:10,763
Thank you.

272
00:14:12,243 --> 00:14:14,283
As-salaam alaikum.

273
00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:25,123
SHE COUGHS

274
00:14:25,123 --> 00:14:28,083
Oh, cor blimey!

275
00:14:45,403 --> 00:14:48,603
HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY

276
00:14:54,563 --> 00:14:56,003
Oi!

277
00:15:08,043 --> 00:15:10,523
All right?
What are you in for?

278
00:15:10,523 --> 00:15:12,363
Picking up free paracetamols?

279
00:15:12,363 --> 00:15:14,403
NHS is great, eh?

280
00:15:18,443 --> 00:15:21,003
Oh, free transport as well!

281
00:15:29,043 --> 00:15:31,563
I don't think they've got
a cure for gingeritis, mate.

282
00:15:32,763 --> 00:15:34,963
Hey! Do you know Dave?

283
00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:41,003
Cheer up. It's not that bad.

284
00:15:41,003 --> 00:15:44,603
Yes. I suppose there's lots of
couples who don't have children,

285
00:15:44,603 --> 00:15:47,643
and they're happy, aren't they?
Most of them.

286
00:15:47,643 --> 00:15:49,443
Look, Amjad.

287
00:15:49,443 --> 00:15:51,723
Who knows what the future holds?

288
00:15:51,723 --> 00:15:53,043
We're all in God's hands,

289
00:15:53,043 --> 00:15:57,323
and the important thing is
that you and Shazia love each other.

290
00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:00,243
And together,
you can get through anything.

291
00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:02,963
And anyway, you've got another one.

292
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:07,603
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE

293
00:16:07,603 --> 00:16:09,923
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

294
00:16:09,923 --> 00:16:11,643
Oh, hello, sweetie, darling.

295
00:16:11,643 --> 00:16:13,563
Are you having a nice time?

296
00:16:13,563 --> 00:16:15,843
Haan, we're ready. Come and get us.

297
00:16:15,843 --> 00:16:19,283
Tell him to hurry up.
I can't wait to show these to Amjad.

298
00:16:19,283 --> 00:16:24,603
Sweetie, maybe don't buy any
baby clothes just yet, eh?

299
00:16:24,603 --> 00:16:27,443
Too late.

300
00:16:27,443 --> 00:16:29,763
OK, just hold on to the receipts,
huh?

301
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:31,603
You never know, they may decide

302
00:16:31,603 --> 00:16:34,083
not to have children
for...some reason.

303
00:16:34,083 --> 00:16:36,683
'What are you talking about?
Where are you?'

304
00:16:36,683 --> 00:16:38,883
The doctor's.
The doctor's?

305
00:16:38,883 --> 00:16:41,643
Has something happened to Amjad?
'It's fine!'

306
00:16:41,643 --> 00:16:43,283
It's nothing to worry about.

307
00:16:43,283 --> 00:16:46,043
It's all right, Mrs Khan,
I've got another one.

308
00:16:46,043 --> 00:16:47,443
Shut up!

309
00:16:48,643 --> 00:16:50,843
Mr Khan, the doctor's ready for you.

310
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,043
Yes, I know, sweetie. But...

311
00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:54,483
HE GARGLES
I'm losing you.

312
00:16:54,483 --> 00:16:56,163
I've got no signal.
I can't hear you.

313
00:16:56,163 --> 00:16:59,283
HE IMITATES INTERFERENCE
OK, bye!

314
00:16:59,283 --> 00:17:02,683
I'm really worried, sir.

315
00:17:02,683 --> 00:17:05,763
Amjad, it will be fine.
You'll see the doctor,

316
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:08,043
he'll be very understanding,
he'll check you out

317
00:17:08,043 --> 00:17:10,723
and he'll tell you
everything's tickety-boo.

318
00:17:10,723 --> 00:17:13,243
Right. What can I do for you?

319
00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:16,523
I'm sorry, my dear,
we're here to see Dr Lowry.

320
00:17:16,523 --> 00:17:18,043
I'm Dr Lowry.

321
00:17:18,043 --> 00:17:19,683
Crikey.

322
00:17:19,683 --> 00:17:21,443
She's a woman.

323
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:26,643
I can see that.

324
00:17:26,643 --> 00:17:28,283
Would you prefer to see
a male doctor?

325
00:17:28,283 --> 00:17:29,923
Yes. No! But, sir...

326
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:31,923
Chillax, Amjad.

327
00:17:31,923 --> 00:17:33,843
We need to get this sorted.

328
00:17:33,843 --> 00:17:36,283
So she's a woman, so what?

329
00:17:36,283 --> 00:17:40,043
Womens are perfectly able at being
almost as good doctors as mens.

330
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,123
There's no reason to be embarrassed.

331
00:17:45,123 --> 00:17:47,003
So, what seems to be the problem?

332
00:17:48,363 --> 00:17:51,243
Amjad?
I... The...

333
00:17:53,523 --> 00:17:56,603
He's getting married, you see.
And he wants to have lots of
children.

334
00:17:56,603 --> 00:17:59,603
And at first,
well, he had the mumps.

335
00:17:59,603 --> 00:18:02,243
And then his, er...swelled right up.

336
00:18:02,243 --> 00:18:04,603
They were the size of pomegranates.

337
00:18:07,283 --> 00:18:09,763
They're better now.

338
00:18:09,763 --> 00:18:12,523
And then he sat on one of them.
It was an accident.

339
00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:15,123
I see.
So, what do you think?

340
00:18:15,123 --> 00:18:17,003
Well, I think we should have
a little look.

341
00:18:17,003 --> 00:18:19,163
Why don't you go behind the screen
and pop your trousers off? What?

342
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:20,923
Hang on a minute!

343
00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:25,243
Is that strictly necessary?
Well, I will need to examine him.

344
00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:27,163
Well, can't you tell from there?

345
00:18:27,163 --> 00:18:29,403
Not really.

346
00:18:29,403 --> 00:18:31,483
Don't worry,
I have examined lots of men before.

347
00:18:31,483 --> 00:18:33,203
I'm sure you have.

348
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,683
But we are Pakistani.
We are different.

349
00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:41,443
I don't think you are.

350
00:18:41,443 --> 00:18:43,163
This is cultural, you see.

351
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:46,563
As a Pakistani Muslim man,
I cannot be seen naked by any woman.

352
00:18:46,563 --> 00:18:48,523
Oh, really? What about your wife?

353
00:18:48,523 --> 00:18:50,203
I'm working on that one.

354
00:18:53,003 --> 00:18:55,203
Well, in that case, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to ask you

355
00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,683
to book an appointment
to see one of my male colleagues.

356
00:18:57,683 --> 00:19:00,243
OK. No! We need to know now.

357
00:19:00,243 --> 00:19:02,563
Well, in that case,
I will have to examine his
testicles.

358
00:19:02,563 --> 00:19:04,323
Mrs Dr Lowry!

359
00:19:05,683 --> 00:19:08,043
He's not even married yet.

360
00:19:08,043 --> 00:19:09,923
I don't know what to suggest.

361
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:13,403
Right. I'll do it.

362
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,883
What? What?!

363
00:19:14,883 --> 00:19:17,923
Yes. It's fine, just get behind
the screen and I'll check for you.

364
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,723
I'm not really comfortable, sir.
Just think of something else.

365
00:19:20,723 --> 00:19:23,083
Like what? I don't know, anything.

366
00:19:23,083 --> 00:19:25,163
Shazia! Absolutely not!

367
00:19:28,643 --> 00:19:31,323
Right, come on. Undo your...

368
00:19:31,323 --> 00:19:33,523
OK. Oh, God.

369
00:19:36,363 --> 00:19:38,763
Right. Here goes.

370
00:19:40,843 --> 00:19:43,523
Is there any sign of
contusion or bleeding?

371
00:19:43,523 --> 00:19:46,203
No. Any swelling or any
other abnormalities?

372
00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:48,963
No. Are you sure?

373
00:19:48,963 --> 00:19:50,683
No. Why not?

374
00:19:50,683 --> 00:19:52,483
I've got my eyes shut!

375
00:19:56,923 --> 00:19:59,563
Just lightly palpate each one.

376
00:19:59,563 --> 00:20:02,003
What?!

377
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:04,523
Just gently feel them
to see if they're tender.

378
00:20:04,523 --> 00:20:06,203
You're joking?

379
00:20:06,203 --> 00:20:07,603
No, it's important.

380
00:20:07,603 --> 00:20:09,043
Right.

381
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:10,803
OK.

382
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,523
Oh, my God!

383
00:20:16,523 --> 00:20:18,523
It's terrible!

384
00:20:18,523 --> 00:20:20,443
They're completely flattened!

385
00:20:21,683 --> 00:20:24,083
That's my wallet. Oh, yes.

386
00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:29,523
Please be careful, sir.

387
00:20:29,523 --> 00:20:31,243
Shut up, Amjad!

388
00:20:33,403 --> 00:20:36,083
# Swing low

389
00:20:36,083 --> 00:20:39,123
# Sweet chariot

390
00:20:40,123 --> 00:20:43,683
# Coming for to carry me home... #

391
00:20:43,683 --> 00:20:45,843
MOBILE PHONE RINGS

392
00:20:45,843 --> 00:20:48,203
Hello, Amjad's phone?

393
00:20:49,403 --> 00:20:52,003
Oh, hello, Mrs Malik.
It's your mother...

394
00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:56,323
Yes, we are in the doctor's.

395
00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,723
No, I've got my hands
full at the moment.

396
00:21:00,243 --> 00:21:03,643
Look, this really isn't working,
I do need to see this for myself.

397
00:21:03,643 --> 00:21:05,603
Right, I'm going to go, Mrs Malik.
Goodbye.

398
00:21:05,603 --> 00:21:08,483
Why don't I just come back
there and have a look? No!

399
00:21:08,483 --> 00:21:11,203
Hang on.
I've got an idea.

400
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,803
Right.

401
00:21:12,803 --> 00:21:14,243
Hold still.

402
00:21:14,243 --> 00:21:16,403
CAMERAPHONE SHUTTER CLICKS

403
00:21:21,843 --> 00:21:23,683
There you go.

404
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:28,563
Everything all right?

405
00:21:28,563 --> 00:21:31,203
It all looks normal.
See? I told you.

406
00:21:31,203 --> 00:21:33,483
Are you sure?
Can I still have children?

407
00:21:33,483 --> 00:21:35,803
Well, you will need a proper
medical exam. Of course,

408
00:21:35,803 --> 00:21:37,843
the only way to be really sure
is for us to get a sample

409
00:21:37,843 --> 00:21:40,603
and then test the output.
Right, now you've gone too far!

410
00:21:40,603 --> 00:21:43,683
I think we can leave Amjad
to do that on his own.

411
00:21:43,683 --> 00:21:44,763
Thank God.

412
00:21:44,763 --> 00:21:47,203
There you go. And don't worry,
you don't have to fill it.

413
00:21:47,203 --> 00:21:49,283
SHE CHUCKLES

414
00:21:49,283 --> 00:21:51,603
Ha-ha! Fill it!
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Fill it!

415
00:21:52,843 --> 00:21:54,563
I get it.

416
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:57,363
Oh, God. What's going on?

417
00:21:57,363 --> 00:21:58,843
Hello, darling.

418
00:21:58,843 --> 00:22:00,483
What's happened to Amjad?
Nothing.

419
00:22:00,483 --> 00:22:01,803
So what's he doing here then?

420
00:22:01,803 --> 00:22:05,123
Something came up when we were
doing the bonding. Is it serious?

421
00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:06,603
They just need to investigate.

422
00:22:06,603 --> 00:22:08,763
Investigate what?
Well, you know, this and that.

423
00:22:08,763 --> 00:22:13,083
This will be absolutely fine, but
that might need a bit of attention.

424
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:16,163
What are you talking about?
Right. OK.

425
00:22:16,163 --> 00:22:18,203
You know in the cricket,

426
00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:20,723
and you have balls,

427
00:22:20,723 --> 00:22:23,443
and sometimes you have fast balls,

428
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:25,203
slow balls, white balls,

429
00:22:25,203 --> 00:22:26,643
red balls,

430
00:22:26,643 --> 00:22:28,723
and even wide balls?

431
00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:31,283
Well, sometimes you can
end up with...no ball.

432
00:22:35,683 --> 00:22:40,323
And if it's a no-ball, it's no good
because it won't count. Do you see?

433
00:22:42,243 --> 00:22:44,323
So, his testicle has been repaired?

434
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,403
Oh, my God!

435
00:22:46,403 --> 00:22:48,443
Amjad! No!

436
00:22:48,443 --> 00:22:50,483
Get out of the way.
No, you can't go in there.

437
00:22:50,483 --> 00:22:52,523
Why not? He needs my help.

438
00:22:52,523 --> 00:22:54,483
I don't think so.

439
00:22:56,163 --> 00:22:58,163
AMJAD MOANS

440
00:22:58,163 --> 00:22:59,923
Oh, my God.

441
00:22:59,923 --> 00:23:01,843
He's in pain!

442
00:23:03,123 --> 00:23:05,043
I can't get the lid off.

443
00:23:06,283 --> 00:23:08,403
What happened to you?

444
00:23:08,403 --> 00:23:11,283
Mr Khan took me to the mobile
clinic to get a health survey.

445
00:23:11,283 --> 00:23:13,203
You see?
And then he was trying to

446
00:23:13,203 --> 00:23:16,603
crawl under the toilet cubicle
with a Member of Parliament. Eh?!

447
00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:19,123
And then I hurt my down-belows
trying to get him out.

448
00:23:19,123 --> 00:23:20,483
Hai, hai!

449
00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:23,283
And now I have to give a sample
to see if I can still have children.

450
00:23:23,283 --> 00:23:25,643
Hai, hai, hai!
Hai, hai, hai!

451
00:23:25,643 --> 00:23:27,043
Oh, my God, Amjad!

452
00:23:27,043 --> 00:23:29,483
What have you done to my baby?

453
00:23:29,483 --> 00:23:31,963
What have you done to him?
Ow, stop it!

454
00:23:31,963 --> 00:23:35,643
I've never been so embarrassed in
my life. Can we go home, please?

455
00:23:35,643 --> 00:23:37,803
OK, but I need to fill my pot first.

456
00:23:37,803 --> 00:23:39,603
Amjad!

457
00:23:39,603 --> 00:23:42,123
Dad! How could you let this happen?

458
00:23:42,123 --> 00:23:44,163
The shame of it,
how could you do this to us?

459
00:23:44,163 --> 00:23:47,123
If you've damaged him,
I'll never forgive you.

460
00:23:47,123 --> 00:23:49,323
Ow, my arm!
Don't try and change the subject!

461
00:23:49,323 --> 00:23:51,923
This is all your fault!
It is not my fault!

462
00:23:51,923 --> 00:23:54,963
Hang on, I think
there's something really wrong.

463
00:23:54,963 --> 00:23:57,243
Shortness of breath?
Rushing sound in the ears?

464
00:23:57,243 --> 00:23:59,603
Stabbing pains down your left
side? Oh, my goodness!

465
00:23:59,603 --> 00:24:01,723
What is it? Heart attack!

466
00:24:01,723 --> 00:24:03,123
We did it in biology and that.

467
00:24:03,123 --> 00:24:05,203
What?! Oh, my God,
somebody do something!

468
00:24:05,203 --> 00:24:06,883
What about Amjad?

469
00:24:06,883 --> 00:24:09,563
Forget about Amjad.
Call an ambulance!

470
00:24:09,563 --> 00:24:12,643
My husband is having a heart attack.
Are you there, my darling?

471
00:24:12,643 --> 00:24:14,283
Oh, I'm here.

472
00:24:14,283 --> 00:24:17,043
I'm sorry about Amjad's testicles.

473
00:24:17,043 --> 00:24:19,883
Don't speak now, save your strength.

474
00:24:19,883 --> 00:24:23,603
The ambulance will be here
very soon, just try and rest, OK?

475
00:24:23,603 --> 00:24:26,243
My family is here.

476
00:24:26,243 --> 00:24:28,083
That's all I need.

477
00:24:28,083 --> 00:24:32,203
My beautiful wife,
my wonderful daughter, Alia...

478
00:24:32,203 --> 00:24:34,603
and Shazia, you're here, too.

479
00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:39,043
Alia, reach into my pocket.

480
00:24:39,043 --> 00:24:41,963
You'll find a piece of paper there.

481
00:24:41,963 --> 00:24:45,123
I always carry it
with me, just in case.

482
00:24:45,123 --> 00:24:48,243
It has some things
written down on there.

483
00:24:48,243 --> 00:24:49,763
No! Dad, stop it.

484
00:24:49,763 --> 00:24:53,803
It's a list of the best
pound shops in Birmingham.

485
00:24:57,003 --> 00:25:00,563
Alia, take it, with my blessing.

486
00:25:03,123 --> 00:25:05,563
I see a dark tunnel!

487
00:25:05,563 --> 00:25:07,763
I can see a light at the end of it!

488
00:25:07,763 --> 00:25:09,523
Go towards the light!

489
00:25:09,523 --> 00:25:12,123
No, no! Don't go towards the light.

490
00:25:12,123 --> 00:25:15,083
Oh, yes -
don't go towards the light.

491
00:25:15,083 --> 00:25:17,643
Quickly, everybody
get out of the way.

492
00:25:17,643 --> 00:25:20,563
He's having a heart attack,
please help him.

493
00:25:20,563 --> 00:25:22,243
Mind his legs, pick up his legs!

494
00:25:22,243 --> 00:25:24,523
Do it properly! There we go.

495
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,963
Point me towards Mecca!

496
00:25:28,563 --> 00:25:30,083
Mind my hat!

497
00:25:30,083 --> 00:25:32,563
I can't meet God without my hat.

498
00:25:32,563 --> 00:25:36,363
You see, my darling, the best
health service in the world.

499
00:25:36,363 --> 00:25:39,003
Only in Britain can you get this.

500
00:25:39,003 --> 00:25:42,523
I'm proud to be dying
on NHS premises.

501
00:25:43,803 --> 00:25:46,003
I don't think he has
had a heart attack.

502
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:49,003
What?! Well, his pulse is very
strong and his breathing is normal.

503
00:25:49,003 --> 00:25:50,923
What are you talking about?
I'm in agony!

504
00:25:50,923 --> 00:25:53,363
Come on, give me the paddles!

505
00:25:53,363 --> 00:25:54,403
There's really no need.

506
00:25:54,403 --> 00:25:57,163
What about the shortness of breath,
the rushing sound in his ear?

507
00:25:57,163 --> 00:25:58,643
It's probably just a panic attack.

508
00:25:58,643 --> 00:26:01,323
But the stabbing pain in his left
side, that's a heart attack.

509
00:26:01,323 --> 00:26:04,323
He does seem to have some bruising
along the left side of his chest.

510
00:26:04,323 --> 00:26:06,563
How could that have happened?

511
00:26:06,563 --> 00:26:08,883
Well, I don't know, do I?

512
00:26:08,883 --> 00:26:11,523
What?!
I mean, how should I know?

513
00:26:11,523 --> 00:26:13,643
It's got nothing to do
with me. OK.

514
00:26:13,643 --> 00:26:16,763
Has he had a fall
or a collision of some kind,

515
00:26:16,763 --> 00:26:19,243
have you been aware
of anything like that?

516
00:26:20,763 --> 00:26:24,283
I've been poking you in the ribs
with a cricket bat every night.

517
00:26:26,403 --> 00:26:27,923
What?! Why?

518
00:26:27,923 --> 00:26:30,083
To stop you snoring!

519
00:26:30,083 --> 00:26:32,483
Rubbish. I don't snore.

520
00:26:32,483 --> 00:26:34,043
You keep the whole house awake!

521
00:26:34,043 --> 00:26:37,003
It's like lying next
to a freight train.

522
00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:39,123
So, you're saying...

523
00:26:39,123 --> 00:26:41,323
Your husband is absolutely fine.

524
00:26:41,323 --> 00:26:44,643
What the hell is wrong with you?

525
00:26:44,643 --> 00:26:48,563
THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

526
00:26:52,083 --> 00:26:55,043
ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

527
00:27:00,203 --> 00:27:03,763
Ah! Aaaaaargh!

528
00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:16,923
I'm glad Amjad's OK.

529
00:27:16,923 --> 00:27:18,563
Oh, me too.

530
00:27:18,563 --> 00:27:21,123
They'll make good parents, I think.
Don't you?

531
00:27:21,123 --> 00:27:25,163
Haan. And we'll make
good grandparents.

532
00:27:25,163 --> 00:27:27,003
Won't it be wonderful?

533
00:27:27,003 --> 00:27:29,043
You and me, sitting on our patio,

534
00:27:29,043 --> 00:27:32,963
with little Shazias and Amjads
playing around our feet.

535
00:27:32,963 --> 00:27:34,603
Yes.

536
00:27:34,603 --> 00:27:36,163
Wonderful.

537
00:27:37,443 --> 00:27:40,483
Lucky for them you're still
in the land of the living.

538
00:27:40,483 --> 00:27:42,363
And lucky for me, too.

539
00:27:42,363 --> 00:27:43,963
Hmm?

540
00:27:46,363 --> 00:27:49,363
Good night.
Good night, sweetie.

541
00:28:00,123 --> 00:28:03,763
HE SNORES

542
00:28:05,443 --> 00:28:09,083
HE SNORTS AND SNORES LOUDLY

543
00:28:10,483 --> 00:28:12,363
Agh!