1 00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:08,443 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:14,043 Community leader. 3 00:00:19,643 --> 00:00:21,763 They all know me... You like my suit? 4 00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:28,923 Number one - Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:51,203 --> 00:00:52,843 HE YAWNS 6 00:00:52,843 --> 00:00:55,443 Man, these all-night prayers really take it out of you, huh? 7 00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:58,203 I know, I'm completely cream-crackered. 8 00:00:58,203 --> 00:01:01,563 Sshh! He's still praying. Sorry. 9 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:04,483 MR KHAN SNORES 10 00:01:11,043 --> 00:01:12,283 SNORING CONTINUES 11 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:18,123 # All night long 12 00:01:18,123 --> 00:01:19,443 # All night 13 00:01:19,443 --> 00:01:21,003 # All night long 14 00:01:21,003 --> 00:01:22,243 # All night! # 15 00:01:22,243 --> 00:01:23,763 Not tired, Mr Khan? 16 00:01:23,763 --> 00:01:24,803 No, Dave. 17 00:01:24,803 --> 00:01:27,603 All night prayers is easy-peasy for us proper Muslims. 18 00:01:27,603 --> 00:01:29,603 We can do it in our sleep. 19 00:01:29,603 --> 00:01:30,883 Right. 20 00:01:30,883 --> 00:01:32,603 The trick is to prepare properly. 21 00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:35,483 Like, I've got dodgy knees, so I wear these. 22 00:01:37,283 --> 00:01:38,443 What did you pray for? 23 00:01:38,443 --> 00:01:40,203 It's a difficult one. 24 00:01:40,203 --> 00:01:43,723 You don't want to waste Allah's time with anything frivolous, 25 00:01:43,723 --> 00:01:46,723 so I prayed I could jump NHS queue for my knee operation. 26 00:01:46,723 --> 00:01:49,323 I've been waiting bloody ages. 27 00:01:49,323 --> 00:01:52,483 I prayed for world peace and an end to all hunger and suffering. 28 00:01:54,203 --> 00:01:56,883 Obviously, I prayed for that too. 29 00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:59,523 So did I, but I sometimes wonder 30 00:01:59,523 --> 00:02:02,523 if it does any good. Praying works. Definitely. 31 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,403 If you have the faith, it can achieve the most amazing things, 32 00:02:05,403 --> 00:02:08,883 like the other day, I prayed that I will come into lots of money 33 00:02:08,883 --> 00:02:11,483 without having to do any work, and now I have. 34 00:02:11,483 --> 00:02:13,643 I'm not sure that's a very good example. 35 00:02:13,643 --> 00:02:17,523 Right, come on, I'm starving. Let's have some breakfast. 36 00:02:18,963 --> 00:02:21,163 But the Imam's called a fast for today. Are you not doing it? 37 00:02:21,163 --> 00:02:23,963 No way! He's always calling a fast. 38 00:02:23,963 --> 00:02:26,083 We don't need to starve ourselves all the bloody time. 39 00:02:26,083 --> 00:02:28,363 We're Muslims, not supermodels. 40 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,403 Good point. 41 00:02:30,403 --> 00:02:32,003 I'm not doing it either. 42 00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:33,803 Well, I'm doing it. 43 00:02:33,803 --> 00:02:37,643 What a creep. You won't find me fasting willy-nilly. 44 00:02:37,643 --> 00:02:40,403 You only have to do Ramadan and I've done that. 45 00:02:40,403 --> 00:02:42,123 Bish-bosh. Let's have some nosh. 46 00:02:44,323 --> 00:02:47,003 # Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken 47 00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:49,883 # Lay a little egg for me. # 48 00:02:49,883 --> 00:02:52,683 Salaam alaikum. Wa alaikum assalaam. 49 00:02:52,683 --> 00:02:55,763 Imam, I was just telling the others about the fast 50 00:02:55,763 --> 00:02:58,483 and how I'm going to be doing it. 51 00:02:58,483 --> 00:03:01,523 It would be great honour for me to join you on your fast. 52 00:03:01,523 --> 00:03:02,763 Well done. Well done. 53 00:03:04,043 --> 00:03:06,723 Looks like Dave is flavour of the month. 54 00:03:06,723 --> 00:03:09,723 Mmm! Mmm! 55 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,683 MUFFLED SPEECH 56 00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,723 I said, I'll be doing it too. 57 00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:24,843 Mr Khan, Imam. Community leader. They all know me. 58 00:03:24,843 --> 00:03:26,883 I thought you said you weren't doing it. No, I didn't. 59 00:03:26,883 --> 00:03:28,163 Oh, yes, you did. 60 00:03:28,163 --> 00:03:30,363 You said that we weren't supermodels. 61 00:03:30,363 --> 00:03:32,283 No. And then you said, "You won't catch me 62 00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:33,523 "fasting willy-nilly." 63 00:03:33,523 --> 00:03:38,203 Shush! I'm the best faster in this whole mosque. Everyone knows that. 64 00:03:38,203 --> 00:03:40,523 Khuda Hafiz. Khuda Hafiz. 65 00:03:40,523 --> 00:03:42,483 Khuda Hafiz. Khuda Hafiz. 66 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,163 I know your game, Dave. 67 00:03:46,163 --> 00:03:48,443 Trying to make me look bad in front of the Imam. 68 00:03:48,443 --> 00:03:50,443 Really Mr Khan, I don't know what you're talking about. 69 00:03:50,443 --> 00:03:52,123 Well, it's not going to work. 70 00:03:52,123 --> 00:03:54,123 I'm going to fast you under the table. 71 00:03:54,123 --> 00:03:55,283 You can't do the fast. 72 00:03:55,283 --> 00:03:56,923 You haven't prepared. No, he's right, 73 00:03:56,923 --> 00:03:59,083 Mr Khan, you have to eat the night before you fast, 74 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:00,443 otherwise it could be dangerous. 75 00:04:00,443 --> 00:04:04,763 Rubbish! I don't need to prepare. Us Pakistanis are bred for this, 76 00:04:04,763 --> 00:04:07,723 not like you lot. I'll bet you don't even have the fasting app. 77 00:04:07,723 --> 00:04:09,643 The what? 78 00:04:09,643 --> 00:04:14,763 The Ramadan phone app, huh? You have all this month's prayer times on it. 79 00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:18,283 Now, we fast till sunset. 6.28. 80 00:04:18,283 --> 00:04:21,243 When the alarm goes off, we can eat. 81 00:04:21,243 --> 00:04:24,803 # Food, glorious food 82 00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:28,203 # Hot sausage and mustard... # 83 00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:30,723 CRUNCH 84 00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:38,323 Ek... 85 00:04:39,683 --> 00:04:41,003 ..do... 86 00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:44,083 ..teen... 87 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:45,883 99... 88 00:04:46,883 --> 00:04:48,563 ..100! 89 00:04:49,563 --> 00:04:51,043 What are you doing, Papaji? 90 00:04:51,043 --> 00:04:54,163 It's for my knee. Pakistani Pilates. 91 00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:55,723 What's that? 92 00:04:55,723 --> 00:04:57,043 It's like normal Pilates, 93 00:04:57,043 --> 00:04:59,683 but you don't have to spend any money on equipment. 94 00:04:59,683 --> 00:05:03,203 Are they Mum's tights? Hmm? 95 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,483 Does she know? Of course she knows. 96 00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:07,123 But for God's sake, don't tell her. 97 00:05:08,243 --> 00:05:10,563 Ooh! Feeling a bit light-headed. 98 00:05:10,563 --> 00:05:13,123 Are you OK? I'm fine. I'm fasting. 99 00:05:13,123 --> 00:05:15,563 Doing a special one for the Imam. Wow! 100 00:05:15,563 --> 00:05:17,483 You're so amazing at religion and that. 101 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:21,763 Yes, your father's not just a pretty beard. 102 00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:24,963 Look me up and down, I'm the best Muslim in town! 103 00:05:26,203 --> 00:05:29,043 Well, I just wanted to let you know we're going out tonight. 104 00:05:29,043 --> 00:05:31,203 Who's we? Me and my French exchange student. 105 00:05:31,203 --> 00:05:32,403 What? You know, 106 00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:34,763 the college has got French exchange students over. 107 00:05:34,763 --> 00:05:37,203 They've given me one to look after for the day. 108 00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:38,603 She's from, like, Paris or something. 109 00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:42,883 Excellent. It's a very good way to learn about another country. 110 00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:46,403 Somewhere completely different from our own culture. What's her name? 111 00:05:46,403 --> 00:05:48,443 Nabila. 112 00:05:50,243 --> 00:05:51,763 C'est mon pere. 113 00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:53,843 She doesn't speak much English. 114 00:05:53,843 --> 00:05:55,963 It's OK, beti. I know a little bit of French. 115 00:05:55,963 --> 00:05:57,003 HE RASPS 116 00:05:57,003 --> 00:05:58,483 CLEARS THROAT 117 00:05:59,643 --> 00:06:01,443 Assalaam alaikum. 118 00:06:02,443 --> 00:06:04,803 Wa alaikum assalaam. 119 00:06:04,803 --> 00:06:06,003 Going somewhere nice? 120 00:06:06,003 --> 00:06:07,403 Une discotheque. 121 00:06:07,403 --> 00:06:09,563 Huh? It's French for prayer meeting. 122 00:06:13,403 --> 00:06:16,523 Hah! You two got a lot in common. 123 00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:18,323 Can we have some money for books and that? 124 00:06:18,323 --> 00:06:20,003 Of course. 125 00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:21,563 There you go. 126 00:06:21,563 --> 00:06:23,563 Thanks! 127 00:06:23,563 --> 00:06:24,683 Ohh! 128 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:26,603 Merci beaucoup, monsieur. 129 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,843 You're...wel...come. 130 00:06:37,763 --> 00:06:39,083 What's he doing here? 131 00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:41,443 MISPRONOUNCES: Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan. 132 00:06:42,683 --> 00:06:45,203 I just came round to ask about the washing machine 133 00:06:45,203 --> 00:06:47,243 and the old bathtub out the front there. 134 00:06:47,243 --> 00:06:48,323 What about it? 135 00:06:48,323 --> 00:06:51,403 Well, it does make the street look a bit untidy. 136 00:06:51,403 --> 00:06:54,563 Keith, I'll get it all cleared up when I can afford a skip. 137 00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:55,843 I'm not made of money. 138 00:06:55,843 --> 00:07:00,883 I know. It's...it's just that you have left them in m-my front garden. 139 00:07:02,403 --> 00:07:05,083 Because I got Mercedes in mine! 140 00:07:08,963 --> 00:07:11,443 I'd like to apologise for my husband. 141 00:07:11,443 --> 00:07:13,403 He's fasting. 142 00:07:13,403 --> 00:07:15,803 Oh, Keith, would you like to stay for lunch? 143 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:19,003 I've cooked a big pot of chicken. No! Put it away! 144 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,563 I can't see the food! 145 00:07:20,563 --> 00:07:22,803 I can't even smell it! It's like torture! 146 00:07:24,003 --> 00:07:27,083 OK, I'll put some in the fridge for you to have later. 147 00:07:27,083 --> 00:07:30,803 It's always like this. He gets low blood sugar and dehydration. 148 00:07:30,803 --> 00:07:31,883 All right, all right. 149 00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:34,763 Plus, I think his bladder shrinks when he's fasting... 150 00:07:35,763 --> 00:07:38,563 ..because as soon as he's had a drink, it's straight back out again. 151 00:07:38,563 --> 00:07:40,563 Sweetie! During Ramadan, 152 00:07:40,563 --> 00:07:43,523 he's up and down to the toilet all night long. 153 00:07:43,523 --> 00:07:45,603 Not in front of the peoples. 154 00:07:45,603 --> 00:07:47,123 Keith's our friend. 155 00:07:47,123 --> 00:07:48,763 He's not my friend. 156 00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:53,603 So, no food or drink, is that it? 157 00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:54,683 No. 158 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,563 No? Also no tang tang. 159 00:07:58,963 --> 00:08:02,323 Every cloud has a silver lining. 160 00:08:02,323 --> 00:08:05,003 I got it! I got the job! I got the job! 161 00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:06,683 I got the job! She got the job! 162 00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:08,483 You got the job! She got the job! 163 00:08:08,483 --> 00:08:09,843 What job? 164 00:08:09,843 --> 00:08:14,323 I applied for a job with Amjad's company and I got it! Can you believe it? 165 00:08:14,323 --> 00:08:16,163 Well, they employ him! 166 00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:21,603 Well done, beti. I'm so proud of you. 167 00:08:21,603 --> 00:08:23,083 Me too. 168 00:08:23,083 --> 00:08:26,003 It's not exactly what I want to do, but it's a lot more money. 169 00:08:26,003 --> 00:08:27,923 And now that we're with the same company 170 00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:29,643 we get to spend more time together. 171 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:33,763 Yeah...except my job's going to be in India. 172 00:08:35,203 --> 00:08:36,283 BOTH: What?! 173 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,643 They want me to help set up their new office out there. 174 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,723 But, Shazia, won't India be a long commute? 175 00:08:43,843 --> 00:08:47,603 I'd have to live out there, budhoo, but it wouldn't be for that long. 176 00:08:47,603 --> 00:08:49,283 How long would it be for? 177 00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:50,883 A year. 178 00:08:50,883 --> 00:08:52,003 A year?! 179 00:08:52,963 --> 00:08:55,003 You can't go to India, Shazia. 180 00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:56,163 Why not? 181 00:08:56,163 --> 00:08:58,363 It's a toilet! 182 00:08:58,363 --> 00:09:01,523 Dad! It's one of the world's fastest-growing 183 00:09:01,523 --> 00:09:03,603 and most dynamic economies. 184 00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:06,443 Well, I must have missed that meeting. 185 00:09:06,443 --> 00:09:08,923 And they pay all my living expenses, 186 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:12,323 so I'd be able to save up enough money to put a deposit down on a flat. 187 00:09:12,323 --> 00:09:15,563 That's our dream, isn't it? To have our own place. 188 00:09:15,563 --> 00:09:18,123 I suppose. 189 00:09:18,123 --> 00:09:20,083 When do they want you to start? 190 00:09:20,083 --> 00:09:21,243 Straightaway. 191 00:09:21,243 --> 00:09:23,203 What do you think? Should I do it? 192 00:09:25,083 --> 00:09:26,483 If you want to. 193 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:29,803 Well, what about you? Will you be OK if I go? 194 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,123 Oh, yeah. 195 00:09:32,323 --> 00:09:33,963 Won't you miss me? 196 00:09:35,883 --> 00:09:37,563 I'll be fine. 197 00:09:40,083 --> 00:09:41,203 Right. 198 00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:45,683 Well, I said I'd...let them know by tomorrow morning. 199 00:09:53,163 --> 00:09:55,163 This is terrible! 200 00:09:55,163 --> 00:09:57,203 I know! I'm bloody starving. 201 00:10:00,243 --> 00:10:03,563 She's going to be in India for a year. What will happen to Amjad? 202 00:10:03,563 --> 00:10:05,283 He said he'll be fine! 203 00:10:05,283 --> 00:10:07,643 Of course he won't be fine! Didn't you see his face? 204 00:10:07,643 --> 00:10:09,443 I try not to look at it. 205 00:10:10,723 --> 00:10:13,963 Mrs Aktar's son went to Dubai for six months 206 00:10:13,963 --> 00:10:15,883 and he and his fiancee broke up. 207 00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:19,483 Mark my words - if she goes, their relationship won't survive. 208 00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:20,643 Oh, well. 209 00:10:21,683 --> 00:10:25,683 If only Amjad was more business minded, he'd be earning more money. 210 00:10:25,683 --> 00:10:29,603 Yes, and if my auntie had dingly dangly, she'd be my uncle. 211 00:10:32,963 --> 00:10:35,483 Could we help them out with a deposit for the flat? 212 00:10:35,483 --> 00:10:36,523 How? 213 00:10:36,523 --> 00:10:38,363 I don't know! Sell something. 214 00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:39,403 Like what? 215 00:10:39,403 --> 00:10:41,203 The car! 216 00:10:45,123 --> 00:10:47,523 Never, ever say that, 217 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,563 not even as a joke. 218 00:10:51,203 --> 00:10:54,203 But we can't let money come between them. 219 00:10:54,203 --> 00:10:57,003 Don't you remember when we were first married, 220 00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:59,203 and you had to come over here on your own 221 00:10:59,203 --> 00:11:02,483 and I had to wait in Pakistan till you could afford to bring me over? 222 00:11:02,483 --> 00:11:03,923 Yes. 223 00:11:05,443 --> 00:11:09,643 And you were here all alone for all that time. 224 00:11:09,643 --> 00:11:11,403 Wasn't it awful? 225 00:11:19,083 --> 00:11:22,003 Awful! Really, really awful! 226 00:11:22,003 --> 00:11:23,603 We've got to do something. 227 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:26,203 Can't you get a loan from the building society? 228 00:11:26,203 --> 00:11:28,843 No, I'll get an Islamic loan from the mosque. 229 00:11:28,843 --> 00:11:30,323 Interest free, isn't it? 230 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:33,043 Fine, whatever, just do it. 231 00:11:33,043 --> 00:11:35,643 Why can't the Maliks give them the money? 232 00:11:35,643 --> 00:11:39,563 The Maliks won't care if they break up. They've never liked us. 233 00:11:39,563 --> 00:11:42,483 Ah, sweetie. That's not true. 234 00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:44,403 It's you they don't like. 235 00:11:54,163 --> 00:11:57,163 That's right. Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque, 236 00:11:57,163 --> 00:11:59,923 and may Allah bestow his blessings and mercy upon you. 237 00:11:59,923 --> 00:12:02,803 Oh, and can we get a bucket of chicken wings as well? 238 00:12:06,523 --> 00:12:09,003 Alaikum, boys. Wa alaikum assalaam. 239 00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:10,123 Where's Dave? 240 00:12:10,123 --> 00:12:11,963 I need to get a loan to stop daughter going to India. 241 00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:14,003 India? Exactly. I told her, 242 00:12:14,003 --> 00:12:15,323 "What's wrong with Leicester?" 243 00:12:15,323 --> 00:12:16,843 Same bloody thing, just more temples. 244 00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:19,243 How's the fasting going? 245 00:12:19,243 --> 00:12:20,883 It's fine. I'm fine. 246 00:12:20,883 --> 00:12:22,083 It's all fine. Salaam alaikum. 247 00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:23,643 Wa alaikum assalaam. Wa alaikum assalaam. 248 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,763 Hello, Dave. 249 00:12:24,763 --> 00:12:26,603 How's the fasting going? Good. 250 00:12:26,603 --> 00:12:28,163 And you? Yes, fine, thanks. 251 00:12:28,163 --> 00:12:29,283 You wanted to see me? 252 00:12:29,283 --> 00:12:31,803 Yes, you're in charge of the mosque hardship fund, 253 00:12:31,803 --> 00:12:32,963 right? That's right. 254 00:12:32,963 --> 00:12:34,283 Well, I need to get a loan. 255 00:12:34,283 --> 00:12:35,603 I see. What's it for? 256 00:12:35,603 --> 00:12:37,403 I can't say. It's a family matter. 257 00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:40,523 In Pakistani culture, family honour is sacred. 258 00:12:40,523 --> 00:12:44,283 Not to be shared with any ginger Toms, Dicks or Harrys. 259 00:12:44,283 --> 00:12:47,283 Well, I can't authorise a loan without knowing what it's for. 260 00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:50,643 His daughter's going to India so he needs the money to stop her from going. 261 00:12:50,643 --> 00:12:53,043 He was going to drag it out of me in the end. 262 00:12:53,043 --> 00:12:57,123 Yes, well, I'm afraid that doesn't sound like the sort of thing that will qualify. 263 00:12:57,123 --> 00:12:58,163 What? Why not? 264 00:12:58,163 --> 00:12:59,443 It's a hardship fund, Mr Khan. 265 00:12:59,443 --> 00:13:02,003 A lot of people see going to India as a great opportunity. 266 00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:04,643 It's a very youthful and exciting place these days. 267 00:13:04,643 --> 00:13:08,683 Alton Towers is a very youthful and exciting place, Dave. 268 00:13:08,683 --> 00:13:10,403 India is a dump. 269 00:13:10,403 --> 00:13:12,483 I'm sorry, but I can't help you. 270 00:13:12,483 --> 00:13:13,923 So where am I supposed to find the money? 271 00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:15,163 I've got an idea. 272 00:13:15,163 --> 00:13:17,483 You know I came into a bit of a windfall recently... 273 00:13:17,483 --> 00:13:19,603 Of course! Brilliant, Riaz. That's it. 274 00:13:19,603 --> 00:13:22,563 Maybe, if you prayed really hard like I did... 275 00:13:22,563 --> 00:13:24,043 Right, that's not it, 276 00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:27,203 but you don't mind giving me a loan anyway, huh? 277 00:13:27,203 --> 00:13:30,403 Interest free, of course? Wouldn't want you to do anything un-Islamic? 278 00:13:30,403 --> 00:13:31,763 OK. 279 00:13:31,763 --> 00:13:34,163 Great! You see, Dave? 280 00:13:34,163 --> 00:13:36,763 This is how real Muslims look out for each other. 281 00:13:36,763 --> 00:13:39,403 Now, exactly how much are we talking about? 282 00:13:39,403 --> 00:13:41,803 I don't really know. Oh, you must have some idea. 283 00:13:41,803 --> 00:13:43,803 The man said it could be up to several thousand pounds. 284 00:13:43,803 --> 00:13:46,003 What man? The man on the phone. 285 00:13:47,523 --> 00:13:50,043 Where precisely is this money coming from? 286 00:13:50,043 --> 00:13:52,683 I've been mis-sold PPI protection insurance. 287 00:13:52,683 --> 00:13:55,683 The man said they're going to get me all my money back in compensation 288 00:13:55,683 --> 00:13:57,923 as well. I see. 289 00:13:57,923 --> 00:14:00,443 And have you ever taken out 290 00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:02,643 any PPI policies? No. 291 00:14:02,643 --> 00:14:05,563 So how the hell are you meant to get anything back? 292 00:14:07,843 --> 00:14:09,083 Oh, yeah. 293 00:14:09,083 --> 00:14:10,803 So there is no money. 294 00:14:10,803 --> 00:14:13,123 Of course there's no money. Ah, well. 295 00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:16,403 And stop eating those bloody crisps! 296 00:14:16,403 --> 00:14:18,163 I thought you said you weren't hungry? 297 00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:20,483 Of course I'm hungry. 298 00:14:20,483 --> 00:14:21,763 I'm bloody starving. 299 00:14:21,763 --> 00:14:25,403 Yoo-hoo! Anybody want to try my jalebi. 300 00:14:25,403 --> 00:14:26,763 No, thank you, Mrs Bilal. 301 00:14:26,763 --> 00:14:30,123 Go on, Mr Khan, I know you can't resist my jalebis. 302 00:14:30,123 --> 00:14:31,883 Not today, Mrs Bilal. 303 00:14:31,883 --> 00:14:33,523 Go on, you know you want to. 304 00:14:34,843 --> 00:14:38,483 I do. I do want your jalebis, Mrs Bilal... 305 00:14:38,483 --> 00:14:42,243 more than anything, but I can't have it. 306 00:14:42,243 --> 00:14:45,123 OK. I'll come back later. 307 00:14:54,123 --> 00:14:58,443 Right, get this loan, in a minute I can eat something - tickety-boo. 308 00:14:58,443 --> 00:14:59,883 HUMS MERRILY 309 00:14:59,883 --> 00:15:02,563 I'm going to open my fast. 310 00:15:02,563 --> 00:15:04,363 I've got my date. 311 00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:05,763 # Hmm-hmm-hmm! # 312 00:15:10,323 --> 00:15:12,043 There! Very good. 313 00:15:18,603 --> 00:15:20,403 Oh-oh-oh! 314 00:15:20,403 --> 00:15:21,803 HE SNEEZES 315 00:15:25,323 --> 00:15:26,523 Oh, twaddi! 316 00:15:28,603 --> 00:15:29,723 Ohhh! 317 00:15:33,803 --> 00:15:36,203 PHONE: # Food, glorious food... # 318 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,363 SHOUTS IN URDU 319 00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:45,203 Ah. 320 00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:49,523 Heh-heh. 321 00:15:57,003 --> 00:15:58,123 Aah! 322 00:16:03,403 --> 00:16:04,443 Ah. 323 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,683 HE GROWLS 324 00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:47,483 Mr Khan? Steve. Steven Harrington. 325 00:16:47,483 --> 00:16:50,083 I'm the branch manager here. I'm so sorry to have kept you. 326 00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:51,243 It's OK. 327 00:16:56,203 --> 00:16:58,443 Got to keep hydrated. 328 00:17:03,443 --> 00:17:05,123 So, shall we go into my office? 329 00:17:09,683 --> 00:17:13,723 Mm. Oh, I'm supposed to drink two litres a day of this stuff, 330 00:17:13,723 --> 00:17:15,363 but you know, it's a lot, isn't it? 331 00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:19,603 I guess... it just goes straight through me, 332 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:20,883 if you...know what I mean. 333 00:17:20,883 --> 00:17:25,283 So, I understand you wish to talk about a loan application. 334 00:17:25,283 --> 00:17:27,003 That's right. 335 00:17:27,003 --> 00:17:31,883 I'll just find the form. There's forms for everything these days. 336 00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:35,443 Especially in this business. Drowning in paperwork. 337 00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:39,763 Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. 338 00:17:39,763 --> 00:17:41,403 It's like Chinese water torture. 339 00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:43,203 HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 340 00:17:43,203 --> 00:17:45,403 And when you get to my level, the floodgates open. 341 00:17:47,403 --> 00:17:50,123 Pouring in, it's like turning on a tap. Oh! 342 00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:52,163 And out...they...gush! 343 00:17:52,163 --> 00:17:53,403 Oof! 344 00:17:53,403 --> 00:17:55,203 Pressure builds up 345 00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:58,203 and you find yourself fighting to hold it back before it all bursts. 346 00:18:00,083 --> 00:18:01,803 I just don't know where this form is. 347 00:18:01,803 --> 00:18:03,923 Ah, Claire will know. I'll give her a tinkle. 348 00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:04,963 Oh! 349 00:18:06,363 --> 00:18:09,443 Oh, no, no, no. I've got it. Here it is. Here it is. 350 00:18:09,443 --> 00:18:12,243 Ah, now I just need to make a few photocopies of this, 351 00:18:12,243 --> 00:18:14,523 so is it OK if I leave you alone for a few seconds? 352 00:18:14,523 --> 00:18:16,603 Yes, OK. OK, I won't be long. 353 00:18:16,603 --> 00:18:19,443 Two shakes of a lamb's tail. Oh, God... 354 00:18:19,443 --> 00:18:22,923 Oh, twaddi! 355 00:18:22,923 --> 00:18:24,123 Oh, God! 356 00:18:24,123 --> 00:18:25,363 Oh! 357 00:18:26,483 --> 00:18:27,963 Oof! 358 00:18:27,963 --> 00:18:29,083 Ah. 359 00:19:03,483 --> 00:19:04,803 Ah! 360 00:19:13,883 --> 00:19:15,043 Oh... 361 00:19:16,443 --> 00:19:19,643 Oh... Oh-uh-oh-oh! 362 00:19:20,883 --> 00:19:23,483 Oh-uh-uh-oh! 363 00:19:23,483 --> 00:19:26,043 Oh... Ah! 364 00:19:29,363 --> 00:19:31,043 There we go. 365 00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:35,763 Ah. So, are you OK? 366 00:19:35,763 --> 00:19:37,203 I am now. 367 00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:41,723 Great. So, if we can get on. 368 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:44,603 Only I'm going out for dinner later. You're going out for dinner? 369 00:19:44,603 --> 00:19:46,363 Yes. Where are you going? 370 00:19:46,363 --> 00:19:48,163 Afzals on Stratford Road. 371 00:19:48,163 --> 00:19:49,363 Good choice. 372 00:19:49,363 --> 00:19:51,163 Yes, it's very nice. I know. 373 00:19:51,163 --> 00:19:54,643 Only I don't want to be late, so if we could... 374 00:19:54,643 --> 00:19:56,603 Why don't we go there now? What? 375 00:19:56,603 --> 00:19:59,763 Well, let's have the meeting there. I'm not sure that's a good idea. 376 00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,963 Come on, it'll be fine! We'll order some Shami kebabs. 377 00:20:02,963 --> 00:20:05,003 Some chicken tikka. Tandoori paratha. 378 00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:06,683 Maybe some spicy prawn puri. 379 00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,483 I... I don't think so. 380 00:20:08,483 --> 00:20:11,003 It's OK. If you don't like it, I'll have it. 381 00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:15,163 The thing is, I'm... I'm meeting my wife. It's our anniversary. 382 00:20:15,163 --> 00:20:16,603 I don't mind. 383 00:20:16,603 --> 00:20:18,283 But she will. 384 00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,123 Will she? She doesn't sound very nice. 385 00:20:20,123 --> 00:20:21,323 What? 386 00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:22,443 Not very friendly. 387 00:20:22,443 --> 00:20:24,603 Why don't you tell her to stay at home, 388 00:20:24,603 --> 00:20:27,403 then we can order whatever we want and have our meeting in peace? 389 00:20:27,403 --> 00:20:30,523 So, you wish to take out a loan. 390 00:20:30,523 --> 00:20:31,843 That's right. 391 00:20:31,843 --> 00:20:33,683 May I ask why you require the money? 392 00:20:33,683 --> 00:20:35,243 To stop daughter going to India. 393 00:20:35,243 --> 00:20:36,403 I'm sorry? 394 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,963 Daughter's got a job offer from India. 395 00:20:37,963 --> 00:20:40,483 She's going to get paid lots more money. We don't want her to go. 396 00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:43,603 Why not? India's a terrible country. 397 00:20:43,603 --> 00:20:46,123 Dirty, smelly. Not like Pakistan. 398 00:20:47,563 --> 00:20:49,803 And do you know the worst thing about India? 399 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,803 The Indians! 400 00:20:52,803 --> 00:20:54,643 Is that right? 401 00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:58,923 Horrible peoples. Short, fat, ugly, no manners 402 00:20:58,923 --> 00:21:00,563 and they've got poo breath. 403 00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:03,563 My wife is Indian. 404 00:21:07,563 --> 00:21:09,683 We're looking to borrow £10,000. 405 00:21:10,723 --> 00:21:11,883 I see. 406 00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:14,763 What do you think? 407 00:21:32,003 --> 00:21:35,803 Now, as some of you know, I'm quite good at creating spreadsheets. 408 00:21:35,803 --> 00:21:37,203 He won an award. 409 00:21:37,203 --> 00:21:38,243 Mum! 410 00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:43,003 So I thought it might be helpful if we looked at Shazia's decision 411 00:21:43,003 --> 00:21:45,963 in terms of choosing a mobile phone tariff - 412 00:21:45,963 --> 00:21:51,883 i.e. finding the product that best suits your own personal needs for yourself. 413 00:21:51,883 --> 00:21:53,923 Can't we just talk about it? 414 00:21:53,923 --> 00:21:58,403 He's done a chart, Shazia. Carry on, beta. You're doing very well. 415 00:21:58,403 --> 00:22:03,163 So, I thought we could do a going-to-India tariff and a... 416 00:22:03,163 --> 00:22:04,603 not-going-to-India tariff. 417 00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:09,523 And the one with the most ticks would be the one that best suits 418 00:22:09,523 --> 00:22:12,243 your own personal needs for yourself. 419 00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:13,323 Brilliant. 420 00:22:13,323 --> 00:22:14,443 Go on, then. 421 00:22:14,443 --> 00:22:16,483 Right, well, I've entered all the variables, 422 00:22:16,483 --> 00:22:19,443 so if I just click here, then... 423 00:22:22,603 --> 00:22:23,643 Oh. 424 00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:25,323 What? 425 00:22:26,323 --> 00:22:28,123 It says that you should go. 426 00:22:28,123 --> 00:22:31,163 What? Do it again, Amjad. 427 00:22:31,163 --> 00:22:33,923 The computer can't lie. 428 00:22:33,923 --> 00:22:35,443 I might have missed something out. 429 00:22:35,443 --> 00:22:36,923 Can I say something? 430 00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:37,963 Shoot. 431 00:22:39,043 --> 00:22:40,203 What do YOU think? 432 00:22:40,203 --> 00:22:43,763 Well...I made a spreadsheet. 433 00:22:43,763 --> 00:22:45,403 Forget the spreadsheet. 434 00:22:45,403 --> 00:22:47,683 He's only trying to help. 435 00:22:47,683 --> 00:22:50,483 I just want to make sure you make the right decision. 436 00:22:50,483 --> 00:22:52,203 What if you didn't have to save? 437 00:22:52,203 --> 00:22:55,163 What if you already had enough to put down a deposit on the flat? 438 00:22:55,163 --> 00:22:57,483 That would make a difference, wouldn't it? 439 00:22:57,483 --> 00:22:58,523 I suppose. 440 00:22:58,523 --> 00:23:03,483 Well, then, your father is going to solve all our problems! 441 00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:05,363 Well, that would be a first. 442 00:23:10,443 --> 00:23:15,763 Bowl of chicken curry in the fridge. Mrs Khan, I love you! 443 00:23:15,763 --> 00:23:18,603 Gimme chicken, gimme, gimme chicken! 444 00:23:18,603 --> 00:23:20,803 Aah! Where is it? 445 00:23:20,803 --> 00:23:22,003 Hi, Papaji. 446 00:23:22,003 --> 00:23:23,323 Where is my bloody chicken? 447 00:23:23,323 --> 00:23:24,683 We ate it. 448 00:23:24,683 --> 00:23:25,763 C'etait delicieux. 449 00:23:25,763 --> 00:23:28,363 HE GROANS 450 00:23:28,363 --> 00:23:29,963 Aah! Ow! 451 00:23:31,043 --> 00:23:34,563 Papa, please have something to eat, you've been fasting all day. 452 00:23:34,563 --> 00:23:36,883 There you are! We've been waiting for you. 453 00:23:36,883 --> 00:23:39,923 Come. Come and tell them your good news. Tell them. 454 00:23:39,923 --> 00:23:41,483 Here he is! 455 00:23:41,483 --> 00:23:43,483 HE WINCES 456 00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:46,443 Say something! 457 00:23:46,443 --> 00:23:49,043 Huh? Assalaam alaikum. 458 00:23:50,883 --> 00:23:51,883 What are you doing? 459 00:23:51,883 --> 00:23:53,323 I feel funny. 460 00:23:53,323 --> 00:23:55,163 Have you had anything to eat? No. 461 00:23:55,163 --> 00:23:56,243 But then, eat something! 462 00:23:56,243 --> 00:23:58,323 YELLS: I've been trying to! 463 00:23:58,323 --> 00:23:59,763 My husband is fasting. 464 00:23:59,763 --> 00:24:01,243 Have a biscuit. 465 00:24:01,243 --> 00:24:03,483 Sorry, that was the last one. 466 00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:06,963 YELLS: Why?! 467 00:24:06,963 --> 00:24:09,563 Just tell them about the money. What? 468 00:24:09,563 --> 00:24:12,363 The money from the building society. 469 00:24:12,363 --> 00:24:14,563 Oh, yes. Of course. 470 00:24:15,963 --> 00:24:17,083 The money. 471 00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,923 I didn't get it. 472 00:24:19,923 --> 00:24:21,203 What? 473 00:24:21,203 --> 00:24:23,523 They wouldn't give it to me. Why not? 474 00:24:26,643 --> 00:24:29,443 Because I wee'd in the fish tank. 475 00:24:33,403 --> 00:24:35,083 Oh, my God! 476 00:24:35,083 --> 00:24:38,003 And I said his wife had poo breath! 477 00:24:40,003 --> 00:24:42,043 I couldn't help myself. 478 00:24:42,043 --> 00:24:43,963 It's all India's fault! 479 00:24:45,403 --> 00:24:48,083 You stupid, stupid man! 480 00:24:48,083 --> 00:24:50,643 That's it, then. I'm going to India. 481 00:24:54,203 --> 00:24:57,323 Right. I'll go and let them know. 482 00:24:59,003 --> 00:25:01,323 I think perhaps I'd better go too. 483 00:25:01,323 --> 00:25:03,563 No, wait! I can't let you do this. 484 00:25:03,563 --> 00:25:04,963 It's OK, Mum. Really. 485 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:09,083 I always think there's nothing so unattractive 486 00:25:09,083 --> 00:25:11,283 as an overprotective mum. 487 00:25:11,283 --> 00:25:14,883 Careful with that, Amjad. It's hot. 488 00:25:16,243 --> 00:25:17,363 Ohh! 489 00:25:21,923 --> 00:25:23,283 HE SIGHS 490 00:25:25,923 --> 00:25:27,803 Amjad. 491 00:25:27,803 --> 00:25:32,443 I'm very weak with hunger, and it might have affected the balance of my mind, 492 00:25:32,443 --> 00:25:35,603 but I don't think you should let Shazia go to India. 493 00:25:35,603 --> 00:25:38,163 But Shazia said it made sense for her to go. 494 00:25:38,163 --> 00:25:41,803 Amjad. As you go through life, 495 00:25:41,803 --> 00:25:44,603 you will learn something about womens. 496 00:25:44,603 --> 00:25:46,443 Like what? 497 00:25:47,763 --> 00:25:52,163 Sometimes you have to show that you are willing to fight for them. 498 00:25:53,323 --> 00:25:55,803 When I first met Mrs Khan... 499 00:25:55,803 --> 00:25:57,443 she had many admirers 500 00:25:57,443 --> 00:26:00,243 and had I not told her how I felt about her, 501 00:26:00,243 --> 00:26:02,563 she would not have known how much I liked her. 502 00:26:02,563 --> 00:26:06,683 And in the end, she might have gone off with one of the other admirers. 503 00:26:06,683 --> 00:26:08,283 Then where would we be? 504 00:26:15,363 --> 00:26:16,523 Amjad... 505 00:26:17,763 --> 00:26:19,963 ..what I'm saying to you is this. 506 00:26:20,963 --> 00:26:24,763 That you cannot wait for a woman to guess how you feel about her. 507 00:26:24,763 --> 00:26:27,803 In the end, you just have to tell her. 508 00:26:29,443 --> 00:26:31,963 I've got to e-mail them some details tonight. 509 00:26:34,043 --> 00:26:35,043 Wait. 510 00:26:35,043 --> 00:26:36,523 What is it? 511 00:26:36,523 --> 00:26:38,563 I've thought of another tick. 512 00:26:38,563 --> 00:26:41,723 SIGHS: Go on, then. 513 00:26:41,723 --> 00:26:43,323 I don't want you to go. 514 00:26:44,643 --> 00:26:45,683 What? 515 00:26:45,683 --> 00:26:49,043 Look. I know that this is a great opportunity 516 00:26:49,043 --> 00:26:52,123 and we need the money, and like, a million other things, but... 517 00:26:53,843 --> 00:26:57,243 ..I love you and I can't bear to be without you. 518 00:26:58,563 --> 00:27:00,163 Oh, budhoo. 519 00:27:00,163 --> 00:27:02,123 Oh, ladoo... 520 00:27:03,363 --> 00:27:04,763 I am so sorry. 521 00:27:04,763 --> 00:27:07,603 Why didn't you just say that before? 522 00:27:07,603 --> 00:27:10,043 I didn't want to get in your way. 523 00:27:10,043 --> 00:27:12,243 But that's all I needed to hear. 524 00:27:15,283 --> 00:27:17,083 Well done! 525 00:27:21,883 --> 00:27:22,923 Hmm. 526 00:27:27,443 --> 00:27:29,843 MR KHAN: Aah! My knee! 527 00:27:29,843 --> 00:27:32,043 I think it's broken! 528 00:27:32,043 --> 00:27:34,363 SIREN WAILS