1 00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:08,443 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:13,203 --> 00:00:14,603 Community leader. 3 00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:22,323 They all know me... Do you like my suit? 4 00:00:26,643 --> 00:00:30,603 Number one - Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:31,883 --> 00:00:33,963 MRS KHAN: Come on, get on with it. 6 00:00:33,963 --> 00:00:36,403 MR KHAN: All right, don't rush me. 7 00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:38,443 MRS KHAN: Just stick it in. 8 00:00:38,443 --> 00:00:40,003 MR KHAN: I am! 9 00:00:40,003 --> 00:00:41,643 MRS KHAN: But nothing's happening. 10 00:00:41,643 --> 00:00:43,483 Try wriggling it about a bit. 11 00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:46,323 MR KHAN: What about now? 12 00:00:46,323 --> 00:00:48,163 MRS KHAN: Uh-uh. 13 00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:51,403 MR KHAN: It's not my fault! It's a very old box. 14 00:00:53,723 --> 00:00:56,243 Why is it taking so long? I can't see anything. 15 00:00:56,243 --> 00:00:58,683 It's OK. We can see you. 16 00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:00,683 Just put your special jacket on. 17 00:01:03,203 --> 00:01:05,683 There you are. See? 18 00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:08,283 We need electricity, Dad. My phone's out of charge. 19 00:01:08,283 --> 00:01:10,523 All right, keep all your hairs on. 20 00:01:10,523 --> 00:01:13,243 I don't see Alia making such a fuss. 21 00:01:21,683 --> 00:01:24,403 Now the electricity's on, I can get back on new computer. 22 00:01:25,363 --> 00:01:27,483 (ELECTRONIC FIZZLE) 23 00:01:28,723 --> 00:01:32,003 £10 from second-hand shop. Not bad, uh? 24 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:35,083 Why do you have to be on the computer all the time? 25 00:01:35,083 --> 00:01:38,163 I'm doing very important mosque business, sweetie. 26 00:01:38,163 --> 00:01:39,603 Never interrupt God's work. 27 00:01:39,603 --> 00:01:40,843 What is it, Papaji? 28 00:01:40,843 --> 00:01:45,123 I'm booking Pakistani celebrity to do the prize draw for the Eid tombola. 29 00:01:45,123 --> 00:01:47,963 If I do this, they'll make me chairman of the committee. 30 00:01:47,963 --> 00:01:50,603 That will show Dave. Gingers going down! 31 00:01:50,603 --> 00:01:52,683 Let's bring back the browns. 32 00:01:52,683 --> 00:01:54,283 Is it going to be a cricketer? 33 00:01:54,283 --> 00:01:57,083 Not every famous Pakistani's a cricketer, sweetie. 34 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:58,243 So who is he? 35 00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,643 Imran Khan. Famous cricketer! 36 00:02:03,643 --> 00:02:05,163 I'm messaging him now. 37 00:02:05,163 --> 00:02:06,203 Wow, do you know him, then? 38 00:02:06,203 --> 00:02:08,643 No, but he'll be on Facebook. 39 00:02:08,643 --> 00:02:12,123 There's only 47,000 Imran Khans on here. 40 00:02:12,123 --> 00:02:14,483 One of them's bound to be him. 41 00:02:14,483 --> 00:02:17,163 You keep filling my house with all your stupid gadgets 42 00:02:17,163 --> 00:02:18,403 but you never get me anything. 43 00:02:18,403 --> 00:02:21,083 What about new mobile phone I got you this morning? 44 00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:25,003 You got new mobile phone. You gave me your old one. 45 00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:26,803 It's new to you. 46 00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:29,643 It's a good one, that one. 47 00:02:29,643 --> 00:02:32,203 They don't make them like that any more. 48 00:02:32,203 --> 00:02:33,683 Yeah, but I'm still getting all your calls. 49 00:02:33,683 --> 00:02:36,603 Yes, now you can be my wife and my secretary. 50 00:02:37,683 --> 00:02:40,243 You spend too much time on the internet. 51 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,643 Last night, you were down here until two in the morning. 52 00:02:42,643 --> 00:02:45,763 Would you rather spend time with Imran Khan than come to bed with me? 53 00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,203 Of course not, sweetie. 54 00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:53,043 (GAGS) 55 00:02:53,043 --> 00:02:56,043 I'm not going to wait up there all night for you again. 56 00:02:56,043 --> 00:03:00,203 But night time is the best time to talk to Pakistan city that never sleeps. 57 00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:01,043 Karachi? 58 00:03:01,043 --> 00:03:02,603 No, Birmingham! 59 00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:06,003 - We're all booked in! - What? 60 00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:08,243 Me and Amjad have got our free trial day 61 00:03:08,243 --> 00:03:10,843 at the new fitness centre in Edgbaston. It's really nice. 62 00:03:10,843 --> 00:03:13,723 You have to be invited to be a member. It's dead exclusive. 63 00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:15,643 So, why did they invite you? 64 00:03:15,643 --> 00:03:17,763 We have to go there tomorrow, 65 00:03:17,763 --> 00:03:20,163 and then they'll decide whether to let us join. 66 00:03:20,163 --> 00:03:22,163 Guess who proposed us? Matt and Debbie. 67 00:03:22,163 --> 00:03:24,203 Oh, not Matt and Debbie! 68 00:03:25,723 --> 00:03:28,123 We Muslims don't need to go to the gym. 69 00:03:28,123 --> 00:03:31,003 If you pray five times a day, you get plenty exercise. 70 00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:34,323 It's all that bending down, isn't it? 71 00:03:34,323 --> 00:03:36,643 That's why I'm so slim, Papaji. 72 00:03:36,643 --> 00:03:37,963 Oh, this girl... 73 00:03:37,963 --> 00:03:41,163 she's like a one-woman praying machine. 74 00:03:42,843 --> 00:03:44,483 This is a step up for us. 75 00:03:44,483 --> 00:03:47,243 I'm not going to live in Sparkhill my whole life. 76 00:03:47,243 --> 00:03:50,883 One day, me and Amjad are going to get a place in Solihull. 77 00:03:52,203 --> 00:03:54,843 We're going to give our family all the things we never had. 78 00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,283 What things?! 79 00:03:56,283 --> 00:03:58,763 I've always given you everything. 80 00:03:58,763 --> 00:04:01,123 Yeah? What about the pony I always wanted? 81 00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:03,363 How many times, Shazia? 82 00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:05,403 We don't need a pony. 83 00:04:05,403 --> 00:04:07,323 We got car! 84 00:04:10,003 --> 00:04:13,483 I don't know what's wrong with that girl - putting on all these hairs and graces. 85 00:04:13,483 --> 00:04:14,883 She wants to move up in the world, 86 00:04:14,883 --> 00:04:17,043 and you shouldn't get in her way and embarrass her. 87 00:04:17,043 --> 00:04:18,803 How could I embarrass her? 88 00:04:18,803 --> 00:04:20,723 What's embarrassing about me? 89 00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,203 (SLURPS NOISILY) 90 00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:30,483 (GRUNTS) 91 00:04:32,203 --> 00:04:34,083 It's going to be so great! 92 00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:35,763 You should come with us tomorrow, Mum. 93 00:04:35,763 --> 00:04:38,683 They do all kinds of classes there, and there's a pool and a spa... 94 00:04:38,683 --> 00:04:40,083 Well, it does look nice. 95 00:04:40,083 --> 00:04:41,603 I'll have to get plenty of rest though, 96 00:04:41,603 --> 00:04:43,443 if I'm going to do all that exercise tomorrow. 97 00:04:43,443 --> 00:04:46,723 So let's just hope I'm not disturbed by someone 98 00:04:46,723 --> 00:04:49,283 clumping around the house at two in the morning. 99 00:04:49,283 --> 00:04:52,003 The Wi-Fi's not working, Papaji. 100 00:04:52,003 --> 00:04:55,363 Oh, come on! That's the second time this month! 101 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:57,763 You need to complain to the service provider. 102 00:04:57,763 --> 00:05:00,643 Don't worry. I'm going to. 103 00:05:05,603 --> 00:05:07,083 Keith! 104 00:05:07,083 --> 00:05:08,883 - Keith! - Yes? 105 00:05:08,883 --> 00:05:11,283 Have you changed your internet password? 106 00:05:15,963 --> 00:05:17,603 Yes, I think so. 107 00:05:17,603 --> 00:05:19,803 Well, bloody well change it back again! 108 00:05:29,923 --> 00:05:31,643 (SHE MUMBLES) 109 00:05:31,643 --> 00:05:34,163 Oh... 110 00:05:37,363 --> 00:05:38,403 (CLICK) 111 00:05:40,523 --> 00:05:42,243 (CLICK) 112 00:05:45,203 --> 00:05:46,243 (CLICK) 113 00:05:49,723 --> 00:05:51,243 (GROANS) 114 00:05:53,323 --> 00:05:54,523 (GROANS) 115 00:05:59,043 --> 00:06:00,083 Aha! 116 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,563 (CLINKING) 117 00:06:09,443 --> 00:06:11,163 (MECHANISED WAILING) 118 00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,683 Ssh! 119 00:06:24,763 --> 00:06:26,883 Oh...the internet! 120 00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:36,403 Oh... 121 00:06:37,883 --> 00:06:38,923 Oh... 122 00:06:38,923 --> 00:06:40,683 Oh, God! 123 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,523 (GROANS) 124 00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:46,523 (SIGHS) 125 00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:53,203 (SIGHS) 126 00:06:56,963 --> 00:06:58,043 Ah... 127 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,083 Aargh! 128 00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:00,123 (THUD) 129 00:07:05,283 --> 00:07:06,483 (GRUNTS) 130 00:07:12,563 --> 00:07:13,603 (CLICK) 131 00:07:22,883 --> 00:07:24,443 - (SIGHS) - (CLICK) 132 00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:26,883 - (WINDOWS ON TONE) - Oh! 133 00:07:34,363 --> 00:07:35,523 (CREAKING) 134 00:07:41,443 --> 00:07:42,883 (SHE GASPS) 135 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,443 Hello, beti. 136 00:07:50,443 --> 00:07:51,723 What are you doing? 137 00:07:51,723 --> 00:07:54,163 Your father's a very important man. 138 00:07:54,163 --> 00:07:56,443 I'm doing some urgent mosque business. 139 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,603 "Anyone fancy a chat?" 140 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:01,123 Yeah. I'm still trying to get hold of Imran Khan. 141 00:08:01,123 --> 00:08:04,723 But don't tell your mother. I've just found a new cricket chatroom. 142 00:08:04,723 --> 00:08:05,763 What's it called? 143 00:08:05,763 --> 00:08:09,043 Pakistanimatch.co.uk 144 00:08:09,043 --> 00:08:11,003 Are you sure that's a cricket chatroom? 145 00:08:11,003 --> 00:08:14,963 Alia, sweetie, who's faced more full tosses and googlies - 146 00:08:14,963 --> 00:08:16,483 you or me? 147 00:08:16,483 --> 00:08:18,723 - You have, Papaji. - Good girl. 148 00:08:18,723 --> 00:08:20,163 What are you doing? 149 00:08:20,163 --> 00:08:22,003 I was just going out. 150 00:08:22,003 --> 00:08:23,723 Oh... Very late. 151 00:08:23,723 --> 00:08:26,723 There's a late night prayer meeting at the mosque. 152 00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,523 (CAR HORN BLARES) 153 00:08:28,523 --> 00:08:30,923 That's the imam coming to pick me up. 154 00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:33,123 Such a good girl... 155 00:08:33,123 --> 00:08:34,963 Is that a hijab? 156 00:08:34,963 --> 00:08:38,123 Yeah. It's waterproof, in case it rains. 157 00:08:39,323 --> 00:08:42,083 Clever, modest and practical. 158 00:08:42,083 --> 00:08:45,323 Khuda hafiz. Don't stay up too late. 159 00:08:45,323 --> 00:08:46,643 I won't. 160 00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:51,723 With these modern technologies, I can communicate at the speed of light! 161 00:08:53,763 --> 00:08:54,923 Here we go. 162 00:08:54,923 --> 00:08:56,803 What's my name? 163 00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:57,843 Mr Khan. 164 00:09:00,683 --> 00:09:02,523 What do I like? 165 00:09:02,523 --> 00:09:04,163 Carrom board... 166 00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:06,043 Downtown Abbey... 167 00:09:06,043 --> 00:09:07,403 and cricket. 168 00:09:13,883 --> 00:09:15,883 What's my favourite position? 169 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,043 Deep fine leg. 170 00:09:27,723 --> 00:09:28,883 Wow. 171 00:09:28,883 --> 00:09:31,243 Hello there. I'm Phil. I'm the manager here at The Place. 172 00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:33,363 Hi. We're here for the free trial. 173 00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:37,723 We're friends of Matt and Debbie. I'm...Shannon Khan. 174 00:09:37,723 --> 00:09:40,203 It's good to meet you. Welcome. 175 00:09:40,203 --> 00:09:42,283 Who's Shannon Khan? 176 00:09:42,283 --> 00:09:44,483 - It's me. - But that's not your... 177 00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,563 I know. It just sounds a bit cooler, more sporty. 178 00:09:46,563 --> 00:09:49,003 - Oh, I get it. - And your name is? 179 00:09:52,883 --> 00:09:56,243 Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think, is it? 180 00:09:56,243 --> 00:09:57,723 It's Amjad. 181 00:09:57,723 --> 00:10:00,563 Yeah, that's pretty cool. 182 00:10:00,563 --> 00:10:02,043 Amjad. 183 00:10:02,043 --> 00:10:05,043 And this is your address? Solihull. 184 00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:07,243 Mm-hm, that's right. 185 00:10:07,243 --> 00:10:08,523 But you don't live in... 186 00:10:08,523 --> 00:10:10,443 Oh, gotcha. 187 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:14,083 - And you are? - Mrs Khan, please, thank you very much. 188 00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,803 I've got to pick up Lottie from a riding lesson, 189 00:10:17,803 --> 00:10:20,403 so I've only got time for one step class and then yoga. 190 00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:24,203 I know, Wills has got trombone at 4, then I've got book group at 6.30. 191 00:10:24,203 --> 00:10:27,563 (POSH VOICE) Oh, yes, I've had to leave three loads of washing 192 00:10:27,563 --> 00:10:29,963 and I haven't ironed any of my husband's vests. 193 00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:34,203 Which classes are you interested in? 194 00:10:34,203 --> 00:10:35,723 She's going to try bums and tums. 195 00:10:35,723 --> 00:10:39,043 I really need it. They're both in a right old state. 196 00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:49,003 Salaam alaiqum, Mr Khan. 197 00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:50,563 - Salaam alaiqum. - Alaiqum salaam, boys. 198 00:10:50,563 --> 00:10:53,283 - Salaam alaiqum, Mr Khan. - Hello, Dave. 199 00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:55,043 How are you today? You look very nice. 200 00:10:55,043 --> 00:10:57,003 Have you done something different with your hair? 201 00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,923 What do you want? 202 00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:02,243 - I need the office. I'm meeting a VIP. - What? 203 00:11:02,243 --> 00:11:04,563 It stands for "Very Important Pakistani". 204 00:11:05,523 --> 00:11:07,403 Right, I meant who? 205 00:11:07,403 --> 00:11:09,003 It's someone I met on the internet. 206 00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,923 I've arranged to meet them here. 207 00:11:10,923 --> 00:11:14,523 We are going to have the greatest Eid tombola 208 00:11:14,523 --> 00:11:18,003 that Sparkhill has ever seen. What do you think of that, gravy Davey? 209 00:11:19,163 --> 00:11:20,603 Give us a clue. Who is he? 210 00:11:20,603 --> 00:11:23,963 Well, all I can say, he's very famous and Pakistani. 211 00:11:23,963 --> 00:11:25,803 Is it a cricketer? 212 00:11:26,803 --> 00:11:29,683 Not all famous Pakistanis are cricketers, you know! 213 00:11:29,683 --> 00:11:31,323 I know, but you're wearing your cricket shirt. 214 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:34,163 - Oh, yes. - Is it Mohammad Amir? 215 00:11:34,163 --> 00:11:35,803 - No. - Mohammad Asif. 216 00:11:35,803 --> 00:11:36,923 - No. - Mohammad Yousuf. 217 00:11:36,923 --> 00:11:38,723 - No. - Mohammad Irfan. 218 00:11:38,723 --> 00:11:41,083 - No. - Does it begin with Mohammad? 219 00:11:42,123 --> 00:11:43,443 It's Umar Gul. 220 00:11:43,443 --> 00:11:44,843 He's not very famous. 221 00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:47,763 I know, but I'm going to use him to get to Imran Khan. 222 00:11:47,763 --> 00:11:50,443 Well, I'm afraid you'll have to have your meeting somewhere else, Mr Khan. 223 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,403 The mosque committee will be here in a minute. 224 00:11:52,403 --> 00:11:55,443 I want them to approve my plans to allow women in the main prayer hall. 225 00:11:55,443 --> 00:11:59,163 Eh? Have you finally flipped your ginger lid, Dave?! 226 00:12:00,203 --> 00:12:02,443 Mr Khan, there's no reason why men and women 227 00:12:02,443 --> 00:12:04,523 can't mix perfectly happily together. 228 00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:06,563 (SIGHS) You're not married, are you, Dave? 229 00:12:07,563 --> 00:12:09,843 Look, I've got nothing against the womens, 230 00:12:09,843 --> 00:12:11,923 but they are different to us. 231 00:12:11,923 --> 00:12:16,283 We talk about cricket. They talk about hair and shoes. 232 00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:19,403 This is what's so good about the mosque. We keep them separate. 233 00:12:20,483 --> 00:12:21,523 Hi, can I help you? 234 00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:23,403 Yes, is this the mosque office? 235 00:12:23,403 --> 00:12:24,483 Yes, it is. 236 00:12:29,603 --> 00:12:33,443 You see what happens if you don't keep a firm grip on the rules, Dave? 237 00:12:33,443 --> 00:12:35,643 (CLEARS THROAT) 238 00:12:35,643 --> 00:12:38,043 Shoe shop is down the road, my darling. 239 00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:40,683 Sorry? 240 00:12:40,683 --> 00:12:45,643 I said, "Shoe shop is down the road," and hairdresser's, M&S, TK Maxx. 241 00:12:45,643 --> 00:12:48,683 You mean because she is inappropriately dressed? 242 00:12:48,683 --> 00:12:50,443 Er, I don't understand. 243 00:12:50,443 --> 00:12:53,323 Look, this is the mosque office. 244 00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:55,963 You've got to tick two boxes to get in here. 245 00:12:55,963 --> 00:12:58,843 One - Muslim. Two - mans. You got no tick so far. 246 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,603 No, really, it's fine. 247 00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:04,523 I'm sorry, Dave, but you've got to be firm with peoples. 248 00:13:04,523 --> 00:13:07,803 Just because she's one of yours, you can't be soft. 249 00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:12,963 You're in charge around here. You've got to stand up for yourself. 250 00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:15,283 - Mr Khan... - Not now, Dave. I'm talking. 251 00:13:15,283 --> 00:13:16,643 Did you say "Mr Khan"? 252 00:13:16,643 --> 00:13:18,643 Deaf as well. 253 00:13:18,643 --> 00:13:21,483 Yes, that's my name - Mr Khan, community leader. 254 00:13:21,483 --> 00:13:22,803 Now, if you don't mind, 255 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,003 I'm waiting for someone, so you're going to have to leave. OK? Goodbye. 256 00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,883 But you're the man I'm here to meet. 257 00:13:27,883 --> 00:13:29,923 What are you talking about?! 258 00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:32,643 I've never met her before in all my life. 259 00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:35,203 Mr Khan, we met online. 260 00:13:35,203 --> 00:13:37,283 We arranged to meet here. 261 00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:40,803 Oh, dear. That is a bit naughty. 262 00:13:40,803 --> 00:13:45,883 No, no, no, no. I arranged to meet Pakistani cricketer online. 263 00:13:45,883 --> 00:13:47,683 She doesn't look like a Pakistani cricketer to me. 264 00:13:47,683 --> 00:13:48,763 Maybe with a beard. 265 00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,963 I'm Jackie. Jackie Smallwood. 266 00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:54,243 But you said your name was Umar Gul. 267 00:13:54,243 --> 00:13:56,283 You put that down in all your messages. 268 00:13:56,283 --> 00:14:00,123 That was OMG. I was excited to meet someone. 269 00:14:03,923 --> 00:14:05,483 OMG stands for "Oh, My God". 270 00:14:06,563 --> 00:14:08,443 Oh, my God! 271 00:14:08,443 --> 00:14:09,723 That's it. 272 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:11,883 This is an outrage. I've been tricked. 273 00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:13,563 Er... You were in a chatroom. 274 00:14:13,563 --> 00:14:14,683 Yes. 275 00:14:14,683 --> 00:14:16,883 Pakistanimatch.co.uk. 276 00:14:16,883 --> 00:14:18,443 Yes. 277 00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:21,683 Where they match women with Pakistani men. 278 00:14:25,563 --> 00:14:27,323 Oh, bugger! 279 00:14:28,323 --> 00:14:30,443 The penny drops. 280 00:14:30,443 --> 00:14:32,003 But what were you doing on a site like that? 281 00:14:32,003 --> 00:14:33,683 Trying to meet Pakistani men. 282 00:14:33,683 --> 00:14:35,483 - Why? - I like them. 283 00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:36,923 Why? 284 00:14:38,603 --> 00:14:42,563 I've always had a thing about them. The rugged Imran Khan looks, 285 00:14:42,563 --> 00:14:46,083 the smouldering eyes. There's just something about Pakistani men. 286 00:14:47,243 --> 00:14:49,083 I'm Riaz. 287 00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:52,243 I'm sorry if there's been some confusion. 288 00:14:52,243 --> 00:14:54,203 Well, there has. A big confusion. 289 00:14:54,203 --> 00:14:56,363 You're not who I had in mind at all! 290 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,403 Well, to be honest, neither are you. 291 00:14:58,403 --> 00:15:00,323 What? What do you mean?! 292 00:15:00,323 --> 00:15:02,403 Well you're a lot older than I was hoping for. 293 00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:05,003 How dare you! 294 00:15:05,003 --> 00:15:06,883 I can still play a bit, you know. 295 00:15:06,883 --> 00:15:09,123 You ought to see me stroking it through the covers. 296 00:15:10,123 --> 00:15:12,043 I don't think anyone wants to see that. 297 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:16,243 Oh, my God! What if someone sees us together? 298 00:15:16,243 --> 00:15:17,483 What will people think? 299 00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,523 Calm down, Mr Khan. It's a simple misunderstanding. 300 00:15:19,523 --> 00:15:20,683 You've got nothing to hide. 301 00:15:20,683 --> 00:15:22,443 (KNOCKING) 302 00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,643 - That's the mosque committee. - Oh, my God! 303 00:15:24,643 --> 00:15:26,643 It'll be OK. It's a woman in the mosque office. 304 00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:28,083 We've had women in the office before. 305 00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:33,363 Yes, it's only a woman who's inappropriately dressed, 306 00:15:33,363 --> 00:15:35,483 who you met on the internet. 307 00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:37,763 Who likes Pakistani men. 308 00:15:37,763 --> 00:15:39,963 Oh, my goodness me, yes, I see what you mean, yes. 309 00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,243 (KNOCKING) 310 00:15:41,243 --> 00:15:43,763 Do you think I could have a little tour before we go? 311 00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:45,563 I've always wanted to see inside a mosque. 312 00:15:45,563 --> 00:15:49,483 What?! This is the house of God, not flipping Madame Tussauds! 313 00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:53,643 Oh, we've got to get her out of here. 314 00:15:53,643 --> 00:15:55,563 It's not that way. They'll see her. 315 00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:58,443 Maybe we could cover her with a prayer mat. 316 00:15:58,443 --> 00:16:04,283 Don't be ridiculous. We'll put her in the closet. Come on. Come on. 317 00:16:04,283 --> 00:16:06,403 - MAN OUTSIDE: Hello? - (KNOCKING) 318 00:16:07,403 --> 00:16:09,123 (KNOCKING) 319 00:16:09,123 --> 00:16:10,763 Well, what are we going to do? 320 00:16:10,763 --> 00:16:12,883 - MEN OUTSIDE: Hello. Let us in. - The window. 321 00:16:12,883 --> 00:16:14,643 Come on. 322 00:16:14,643 --> 00:16:17,563 - (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - Oh, God! 323 00:16:26,363 --> 00:16:29,723 There's a very big drop on the other side. 324 00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:31,643 - I don't think I could... - Don't worry, 325 00:16:31,643 --> 00:16:33,683 - they'll go round and catch you. - Who will? 326 00:16:33,683 --> 00:16:36,003 You will! Come on. (IN URDU) 327 00:16:38,003 --> 00:16:42,083 Ah! Salaam alaiqum, Mr Mohammed. We're nearly ready. 328 00:16:42,083 --> 00:16:44,083 We're just rearranging the furniture. 329 00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:47,203 You know, like...we don't like our backs to face Mecca? 330 00:16:47,203 --> 00:16:49,723 Well, we just realised they have been. Bloody satnavs. 331 00:16:49,723 --> 00:16:51,443 (NERVOUS GIGGLE) 332 00:16:58,923 --> 00:17:00,963 With you in a second, gentlemen. 333 00:17:00,963 --> 00:17:03,203 All right. You've got to go. 334 00:17:03,203 --> 00:17:06,843 Now listen, I'm sorry about the mix-up. No hard feelings. 335 00:17:06,843 --> 00:17:09,403 Now, go away and never contact me again! 336 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,523 Don't worry, I won't. 337 00:17:10,523 --> 00:17:12,683 - You never answer your phone anyway. - What? 338 00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:15,363 I've sent you loads of texts. You've never replied once. 339 00:17:17,483 --> 00:17:20,843 I've never had any text. Oh, twaddi. 340 00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:23,403 My wife's got my flipping phone! 341 00:17:24,523 --> 00:17:26,083 OK. We've got you. 342 00:17:26,083 --> 00:17:29,003 Oh... Oh, no... (GROANS) 343 00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:31,723 - (SHE SCREAMS) - (THUD) 344 00:17:34,523 --> 00:17:36,283 Did you get her? 345 00:17:44,883 --> 00:17:46,363 - Hello there. - Salaam alaiqum. 346 00:17:46,363 --> 00:17:48,163 I'm afraid you're a bit late for the free trial. 347 00:17:48,163 --> 00:17:49,843 - What? - It's OK. 348 00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:52,563 You can still apply for membership. Are you a friend of Matt and Debbie? 349 00:17:52,563 --> 00:17:55,763 Matt and Debbie?! Certainly not! 350 00:17:55,763 --> 00:17:56,963 I'm looking for a Mrs Khan. 351 00:17:56,963 --> 00:17:58,163 Can you spell that? 352 00:17:58,163 --> 00:18:03,683 M-I-S-S-U-S Khan. 353 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,283 And you are? 354 00:18:05,283 --> 00:18:06,723 Mr Khan. 355 00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:09,563 - So is that your wife? - Yes(!) 356 00:18:09,563 --> 00:18:12,203 Well, if you'd like to wait here for her, I'm sure she'll be out soon. 357 00:18:12,203 --> 00:18:13,643 But I need to see her! 358 00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:15,603 I'm afraid I can't let you in unless you're with a member. 359 00:18:15,603 --> 00:18:18,523 I don't want to use your stuff. I just want to see my wife! 360 00:18:18,523 --> 00:18:20,843 I'm sorry. We do have a very strict security policy. 361 00:18:20,843 --> 00:18:23,803 This is worse than Immigration! 362 00:18:39,123 --> 00:18:40,803 Thank you... What are you doing? 363 00:18:40,803 --> 00:18:43,523 No! Oh, God! What the... 364 00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,083 What? 365 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,243 - Amjad! - Hello, sir. 366 00:18:47,243 --> 00:18:48,443 Have you... 367 00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,043 Where are your clothes? 368 00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:53,843 I've been on the weights, working on my abs, 369 00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:55,763 trying to get a bit of...definition. 370 00:18:55,763 --> 00:18:57,603 You've got too much definition already. 371 00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:01,883 And where is Mrs Khan? I need to find her. 372 00:19:01,883 --> 00:19:03,043 Why? What's happened? 373 00:19:03,043 --> 00:19:04,603 - There's been a mix-up. - What kind of mix-up? 374 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,003 There's been a mix-up with the messages. 375 00:19:06,003 --> 00:19:07,283 What kind of mix-up with the messages? 376 00:19:07,283 --> 00:19:09,563 There's been a mix-up with the messages on her mobile phone. 377 00:19:09,563 --> 00:19:11,083 What kind of mix-up with the messages on her mobile? 378 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,643 Where is Mrs Khan? 379 00:19:12,643 --> 00:19:14,803 She's in a bums and tums taster. 380 00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:18,203 What? She can't taste bums and tums. 381 00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:19,763 What kind of place is this?! 382 00:19:19,763 --> 00:19:22,283 You should have let me manage your mobile phone. 383 00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:27,563 OK, sir, we have a system designed to minimise the inconvenience for yourself 384 00:19:27,563 --> 00:19:31,123 and enable a smooth and hassle-free transfer process. 385 00:19:31,123 --> 00:19:34,563 - Give me your pass so I can get in. - I don't think that's allowed. 386 00:19:34,563 --> 00:19:36,443 - Amjad. - They're really hot on security. 387 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,723 - Amjad! - You can't be too careful. 388 00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:40,083 There's some right nutters about. 389 00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:41,203 Amjad! 390 00:19:41,203 --> 00:19:42,523 OK. 391 00:19:45,163 --> 00:19:47,523 - Oh, my God. She's here. - Who? 392 00:19:47,523 --> 00:19:49,083 Nobody! 393 00:20:09,323 --> 00:20:10,403 Ahem. 394 00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:14,443 Is this the yoga class? 395 00:20:14,443 --> 00:20:15,923 Yes. 396 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,083 Are you the teacher? 397 00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:19,763 Yes. 398 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,483 (SHE MOUTHS) 399 00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:27,443 Um, are you an actual...guru? 400 00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:29,483 Yeah. Exactly. 401 00:20:29,483 --> 00:20:31,723 - What happened to Nikesh? - Hmm? 402 00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:33,243 He usually takes us. 403 00:20:33,243 --> 00:20:37,923 Er, well, there was an accident, you see, doing the yoga. 404 00:20:37,923 --> 00:20:41,363 You know, he tied himself in a knot and couldn't undo it. 405 00:20:42,603 --> 00:20:44,723 How do you want us to warm up? 406 00:20:44,723 --> 00:20:46,603 You know...the... 407 00:20:46,603 --> 00:20:50,003 the usual way, I think. This. 408 00:21:02,243 --> 00:21:06,363 It's probably a little bit different to how the other guy does it. You see, 409 00:21:06,363 --> 00:21:09,803 yoga is mainly an Indian invention. 410 00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:11,683 What I do is more like... 411 00:21:11,683 --> 00:21:13,563 Pakistani yoga. 412 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:14,883 It's called... 413 00:21:16,363 --> 00:21:17,403 ..."poga". 414 00:21:18,683 --> 00:21:20,083 Poga? 415 00:21:20,083 --> 00:21:21,203 Exactly. 416 00:21:21,203 --> 00:21:24,083 So, come on. Let's get on with it. 417 00:21:26,003 --> 00:21:27,283 Hai! 418 00:21:30,003 --> 00:21:32,763 So, come on. Let's warm up, uh? 419 00:21:32,763 --> 00:21:37,323 Now, everybody lie down and close your eyes. 420 00:21:38,883 --> 00:21:40,963 And breathe deeply. 421 00:21:42,403 --> 00:21:43,443 In... 422 00:21:43,443 --> 00:21:44,643 and out. 423 00:21:45,643 --> 00:21:47,163 In... 424 00:21:47,163 --> 00:21:48,403 and out. 425 00:21:48,403 --> 00:21:49,963 In... 426 00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:52,323 ...and out. 427 00:21:52,323 --> 00:21:53,443 And in... 428 00:21:58,163 --> 00:22:00,363 - Oh, twaddi. - (GASPING) 429 00:22:00,363 --> 00:22:01,443 ...and out! 430 00:22:02,963 --> 00:22:04,003 OK. 431 00:22:04,003 --> 00:22:06,003 Good. 432 00:22:07,083 --> 00:22:09,963 Why don't you just follow me and do as I do? 433 00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:25,803 Howzat? 434 00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:28,283 Howzat? 435 00:22:31,323 --> 00:22:33,603 Pakistan! 436 00:22:33,603 --> 00:22:35,803 Pakistan! 437 00:22:35,803 --> 00:22:38,363 Zindabad! 438 00:22:38,363 --> 00:22:40,963 Zindabad! 439 00:23:07,083 --> 00:23:09,403 - How are you getting on? - I love it here. 440 00:23:09,403 --> 00:23:11,563 We're going to fit right in, aren't we, budhoo? 441 00:23:11,563 --> 00:23:13,123 Yes...Shannon. 442 00:23:14,723 --> 00:23:18,523 Good. Well, the vetting process is just a formality really. 443 00:23:18,523 --> 00:23:20,323 I'm sure your memberships will go through no problem. 444 00:23:20,323 --> 00:23:21,723 - All right, all right! - I cannot believe it. 445 00:23:21,723 --> 00:23:23,923 Calm down! I wasn't even looking for you. 446 00:23:23,923 --> 00:23:26,403 I was trying to find the tasty bums. 447 00:23:27,723 --> 00:23:29,683 - Dad! - Hello, beti. 448 00:23:29,683 --> 00:23:32,003 What are you doing here? You said you weren't coming. 449 00:23:32,003 --> 00:23:34,643 I wasn't going to. And then I met this woman, 450 00:23:34,643 --> 00:23:36,163 and it all went a bit pear shaped. 451 00:23:36,163 --> 00:23:38,803 Pear shaped? How rude. 452 00:23:38,803 --> 00:23:41,563 Not you. You're more like two mangoes and a celery stick. 453 00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:45,923 - I don't believe this. - Is there a problem here? 454 00:23:45,923 --> 00:23:49,003 There certainly is. This man's not a yoga teacher. 455 00:23:49,003 --> 00:23:50,083 What?! 456 00:23:50,083 --> 00:23:52,563 Well, it's a load of mumbo jumbo anyway. 457 00:23:52,563 --> 00:23:54,683 Lying around on mats for hours. 458 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:57,163 Typical Indians. Lazy buggers! 459 00:23:58,163 --> 00:23:59,883 That's offensive. 460 00:23:59,883 --> 00:24:02,883 And what's worse is you hoity-toity English peoples falling for it. 461 00:24:02,883 --> 00:24:05,243 Dad, don't ruin this for me. 462 00:24:05,243 --> 00:24:08,203 - Shazia, I'm not ruining anything. - How did you get in here? 463 00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:12,803 He gave me his pass. 464 00:24:12,803 --> 00:24:16,043 That's not really allowed. We have a very strict security policy. 465 00:24:16,043 --> 00:24:18,403 Quite right. You can't be too careful these days. 466 00:24:18,403 --> 00:24:19,923 There's a lot of nutters about. 467 00:24:21,283 --> 00:24:22,963 - Oh twaddi! - Oh, my God. 468 00:24:22,963 --> 00:24:25,723 That's him! That's the man who pushed me out of a window! 469 00:24:25,723 --> 00:24:28,443 Stay away from me! I'm a married man! 470 00:24:28,443 --> 00:24:30,243 Dad, what is going on? 471 00:24:30,243 --> 00:24:32,643 Nothing. I've never met her before. 472 00:24:32,643 --> 00:24:34,683 He pushed me out of a window. 473 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:38,123 OK. I met her on an internet dating site. 474 00:24:39,563 --> 00:24:41,043 I thought she was a man! 475 00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:43,403 Dad?! 476 00:24:44,523 --> 00:24:46,443 But she was supposed to be Umar Gul. 477 00:24:46,443 --> 00:24:48,643 Then she turned up at the mosque in a dress. 478 00:24:48,643 --> 00:24:51,643 Umar Gul would never turn up at the mosque in a dress. 479 00:24:51,643 --> 00:24:53,963 He pushed me out of a window. 480 00:24:53,963 --> 00:24:56,203 OK. Then I pushed her out of a window. 481 00:24:56,203 --> 00:24:57,643 Why are you doing this? 482 00:24:57,643 --> 00:25:00,603 You don't understand. She likes Pakistani men. 483 00:25:02,003 --> 00:25:03,803 I'm having second thoughts. 484 00:25:03,803 --> 00:25:05,283 Right. Time to leave. 485 00:25:05,283 --> 00:25:07,483 This is supposed to be an exclusive club. 486 00:25:07,483 --> 00:25:10,003 Don't worry, madam, I'll sort this out. Come on. This way. 487 00:25:10,003 --> 00:25:11,723 But I've got to get my phone. 488 00:25:11,723 --> 00:25:13,163 I hope you're going to prosecute! 489 00:25:13,163 --> 00:25:14,603 You think you're going to meet Imran Khan 490 00:25:14,603 --> 00:25:17,563 and then you meet some weirdo in a cheap suit. 491 00:25:17,563 --> 00:25:20,483 Hold on a minute! My dad is not a weirdo. 492 00:25:20,483 --> 00:25:22,723 He's a respectable middle-aged man. 493 00:25:22,723 --> 00:25:24,803 You can't treat him like a criminal. 494 00:25:24,803 --> 00:25:28,083 Whatever he's done, there'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation. 495 00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:30,203 He pushed me out of a window. 496 00:25:30,203 --> 00:25:31,843 You probably deserved it! 497 00:25:31,843 --> 00:25:32,843 Ooh... 498 00:25:32,843 --> 00:25:35,923 And as for you, we won't be joining your gym after all. 499 00:25:35,923 --> 00:25:37,603 So you can stick your application form. 500 00:25:37,603 --> 00:25:39,243 And we don't live in Solihull. 501 00:25:39,243 --> 00:25:43,603 We live in Sparkhill, and my name's not Shannon. It's Shazia. 502 00:25:43,603 --> 00:25:45,683 And mine's Amjad! 503 00:25:47,403 --> 00:25:48,683 Come on, Dad. We're going. 504 00:25:48,683 --> 00:25:50,003 What about your mother? 505 00:25:52,763 --> 00:25:54,243 Mum, we're going. 506 00:25:54,243 --> 00:25:56,883 I don't want to join this place after all. 507 00:25:56,883 --> 00:25:58,363 Oh, thank God. 508 00:26:00,323 --> 00:26:01,363 (THUD) 509 00:26:08,363 --> 00:26:12,683 You know I never saw that woman in all my life before this afternoon. 510 00:26:12,683 --> 00:26:14,123 I know. 511 00:26:14,123 --> 00:26:18,283 I only agreed to meet her because I thought she was a man. 512 00:26:18,283 --> 00:26:19,363 I know. 513 00:26:20,403 --> 00:26:24,683 And I would never watch the Downton Abbey with another woman. 514 00:26:24,683 --> 00:26:25,883 I know. 515 00:26:25,883 --> 00:26:29,483 You see what happens when you spend all your time on the internet? 516 00:26:29,483 --> 00:26:33,803 Yes, but the technology's not all that bad. 517 00:26:33,803 --> 00:26:35,643 You can use it for good things too. 518 00:26:35,643 --> 00:26:36,683 Like what? 519 00:26:38,643 --> 00:26:40,963 Like a man sending his wife a text. 520 00:26:40,963 --> 00:26:43,363 Why would you text me? Why not just say it? 521 00:26:43,363 --> 00:26:45,563 Maybe it's the sort of thing you... 522 00:26:45,563 --> 00:26:47,523 can't say out loud! 523 00:26:47,523 --> 00:26:49,683 - Oh wait. - Mm? 524 00:26:49,683 --> 00:26:51,403 What is it? 525 00:26:51,403 --> 00:26:53,123 I gave my phone to Shazia. 526 00:26:53,123 --> 00:26:55,003 (TEXT MESSAGE ALERT) 527 00:26:55,003 --> 00:26:58,363 SHAZIA: Oh, my God!