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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

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Community leader.

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They all know me...
You like my suit?

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Number one - Citizen Khan.

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You buy wardrobe, then they want
to charge for delivery.

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No! I got Mercedes.

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HUMS TO TUNE OF JANIS JOPLIN:
Mercedes Benz

8
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# Oh, Allah has bought me a
Mercedes-Benz

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# My friends all drive Datsuns

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# They are infidels

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# Tum te, tum tum tum

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# Tum tum... #

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"Fit screw 10 into slot D."

14
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Which is screw 10?

15
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Oh, this is impossible!

16
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Why don't they give
the bloody instructions in Urdu?

17
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We're not going to finish it.

18
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We have to finish it.

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I've got to go to the mosque
for my photoshoot in ten minutes.

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There's a photoshoot at the mosque?

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Yes, for the annual mosque magazine.

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Are you in it?
I'm in it every year.

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You see, the person
who represents the mosque

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must be perfect embodiment
of a Muslim man.

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I got big beard. Nice hat.

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Classic suit.

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Tradition never goes out of fashion,
Amjad.

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You young people spend too much time
on the Spacebook, Hotmails,

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watching videos on Boobtube.

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This is what it's really about.

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You want to feel it?

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No, thank you, sir.

33
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It's OK. You can touch it.

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Feel my beard. Go on!

35
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What do you think?
It's bushy, isn't it?

36
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It's very bushy, sir.

37
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And I tell you something else.
Beards are very popular now.

38
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Did you know, one in five men in the
UK has a beard?

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In Pakistan, it's double.

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Even more if you include the womens.

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Come on, Mum!

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MRS KHAN: No, forget it.
I look ridiculous.

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Don't be silly. Let's have a look.

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Wow.

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What do you think?

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Mum, you look amazing.

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Doesn't she? Yeah, you look great.

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Can I go out? No.

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I'll do your make-up later, OK?

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OK. But don't tell your father.
I don't want him to know.

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I've got a big surprise planned.

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Do you really think it looks good?
Yes.

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Oh!

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DRILL WHIRS

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AMJAD: It's nearly done, sir.

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Right. It just needs to go upstairs
on the landing.

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AMJAD: OK.

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DRILL WHIRS

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Stop!

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AMJAD: What is it, sir?

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It's the wrong one!
What's wrong with it?

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It's made in bloody India,
that's what!

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Ta-da!

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The wardrobe's got to go back.

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What about Mum?

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It's too late to take her back,
sweetie.

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I mean, how does she look?

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She's got a new outfit. Oh, yes.

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What do you think?
What does it look like?

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Like it was expensive.

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Well, I think she looks great.
You look like a cougar, Mum.

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A what? A cougar.

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Because she's a browny-beige colour?

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No.

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Because she got funny teeth?

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Because she's a sexy older lady.

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Shazia, how dare you speak
about your mother like that!

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Show some respect!

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AMJAD: Hello?

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I've screwed myself in!

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BANGS

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Help!

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Shazia!

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And she's having her hair done
this afternoon, too.

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All this vanity's very unbecoming
of Muslim peoples.

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You should be more modest and
humble.

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Where are you going?
To the mosque.

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I'm going to be on front cover
of magazine!

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MAN: Don't turn on any taps.
They're not quite finished.

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Who's that?
Sajid. He's here to fix the boiler.

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Sajid's here?
Why didn't you say?!

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Salaam, Mr Khans.

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WOMEN: Waleikum assalam.

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Hey, Alia. How's college?

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Great, thanks, Sajid.

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And Shazia? Job all good?

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Really good, thanks, Sajid.

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Oh, my goodness.

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Who is this vision of loveliness?

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Where?

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Wow, Mrs Khan.
You look more beautiful than ever.

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Hello, Sajid.

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New outfit? Yes.

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Lovely. So where are you taking her,
Mr Khan?

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What?

106
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You can't keep a magnificent
creature like this shut up at home.

107
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What creature? Have we got mice?

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What's it to be? A romantic corner
in your favourite bistro?

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Just a little dinner a deux?

110
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Does anyone here speak English?

111
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Well, anyway, the boiler's all fixed

112
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but I'll have to pop back later,
make sure it's all running smoothly.

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Sorry for the inconvenience.

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Oh, it's all right.
Don't be silly.

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Yes, don't be silly, Sajid.
You're always welcome here.

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Unless you start charging.

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Why can't you be more like Sajid?

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What you have to understand,
sweetie, is that Sajid and I are
very different.

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I'm the quintessential Muslim man.
Pakistani pin-up.

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Sajid is doing the ladies' talking,

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has funny stuff in his hair

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and he has a very small beard.

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Not like a proper man at all.

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You're right, Mr K. I'm more your
metrosexual kind of guy.

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Don't worry.
We welcome all sorts in this house.

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I'm going to the mosque.

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Oh, you couldn't give us a lift,
could you?

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Oh. No car, Sajid? Dear, oh, dear.

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It's OK.

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I'll give you a ride in my Mercedes.

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That's what real men drive.

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MR KHAN GROANS

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Everything all right?

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I can't turn tap on!

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TUNE OF DURAN DURAN: Girls On Film
# Khans on film, tum de tum tum

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# Khans on film, tum de tum tum. #

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Where is everyone?

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Maybe they're all still at prayers.

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Always some excuse.

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Now, I thought I'd do the photo
from sitting behind the desk.

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YELLS

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Riaz!

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Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Waleikum assalam.

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What the hell are you doing down
there?

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I was sleeping.
The wife kicked me out.

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What? Why?

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I don't know.

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It's a total mystery.

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Well, she must have given you
a reason.

150
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Well, she said that
I took her for granted,

151
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that the romance had gone,

152
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and that I'd let myself go
physically.

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Just doesn't make any sense.

154
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It's a mystery, all right.

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I brought you your clean underwear
and a toothbrush.

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Oh, great.

157
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You should try and talk to her,
Riaz.

158
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With women it's all about
communication.

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They need to talk about their
feelings, and you need to listen.

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Take an interest in them.
Compliment them on how they look.

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Load of smushy-mushy nonsense!

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No, it's good advice.

163
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Back in Somalia, my wife used to say

164
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that communication is the key
to a successful relationship.

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I didn't know you were married.

166
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Not any more. I lost her.

167
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Oh, I'm so sorry, mate.

168
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Yes, that is sad. How did it happen?

169
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Eaten by a lion?

170
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What?

171
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Or was it a hippopotamus?

172
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They're even more dangerous than
lions, apparently.

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She's not dead.

174
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You said you lost her.

175
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Yes, in the supermarket.

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She said that she wanted Marmite,

177
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and wandered off into Jams and
Spreads.

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I never saw her again.

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Salaam aleikum.
Waleikum assalam.

180
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Hello, Dave.

181
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Where have you been? I've got to
take the photo for the magazine!

182
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Thing is, Mr Khan, we're not
actually doing the magazine
this year.

183
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What?

184
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I just thought it felt
a bit old-fashioned,

185
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not in keeping with modern
sensibilities.

186
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You see, this is just the kind of
rubbish I've come to expect from
you, Dave.

187
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It's not your fault. You gingers
are different from us Pakistanis.

188
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Surely we're all the same in God's
eyes, Mr Khan.

189
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He only says that to make you feel
better.

190
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We all know he has his favourites.

191
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Right.

192
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We've got to do the magazine!

193
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Otherwise how would people know
what we've been up to?

194
00:09:05,723 --> 00:09:08,883
Well, I'm making a short
promotional film instead

195
00:09:08,883 --> 00:09:10,523
about the mosque community centre.

196
00:09:10,523 --> 00:09:13,923
Now, I thought we could put it on
the internet and see what responses
we get.

197
00:09:13,923 --> 00:09:15,003
Good idea.

198
00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:18,603
Now, I know it's not the sort of
thing you approve of, but... What
did you say?

199
00:09:18,603 --> 00:09:20,083
I said, "Good idea." Right.

200
00:09:20,083 --> 00:09:24,163
I'm all in favour, Dave. We got to
embrace the modern technologies.

201
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We can't live in the past, can we?

202
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,523
I must say,
that's a very refreshing attitude.

203
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:29,203
Have you decided
who's going to present it?

204
00:09:29,203 --> 00:09:33,283
Not yet. No. Now, I was hoping that
we might try and get one of...

205
00:09:36,523 --> 00:09:41,163
Come on, Dave. It's got to be me.
Mr Khan, community leader.

206
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,363
They all know me.

207
00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:44,723
Thing is, Mr Khan,
I was hoping to get across

208
00:09:44,723 --> 00:09:46,723
how modern and inclusive the mosque
is.

209
00:09:46,723 --> 00:09:49,043
I'm modern and inclusive!

210
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:50,723
We need to be seen to be welcoming
to all.

211
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,043
I'm very welcoming.

212
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:55,483
Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!

213
00:09:55,483 --> 00:09:56,803
Oh, God. Mrs Bilal.

214
00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:58,843
You know, we must stop meeting like
this.

215
00:09:58,843 --> 00:10:00,163
I agree.

216
00:10:00,163 --> 00:10:02,963
Can I tempt you with my jalebis?

217
00:10:02,963 --> 00:10:04,883
No!

218
00:10:04,883 --> 00:10:06,403
I'm busy. You have them.

219
00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:08,403
I can't. I'm watching my figure.

220
00:10:08,403 --> 00:10:10,243
Well, you're on your own there.

221
00:10:12,643 --> 00:10:15,723
Maybe I could bring them
to your house some time.

222
00:10:15,723 --> 00:10:17,403
No bloody way!

223
00:10:17,403 --> 00:10:18,723
Ahem!

224
00:10:20,923 --> 00:10:23,203
I mean...yes, of course.

225
00:10:23,203 --> 00:10:25,843
What? I'd love to see you
at my house.

226
00:10:25,843 --> 00:10:27,163
Really?

227
00:10:27,163 --> 00:10:29,683
Absolutely. Come any time.

228
00:10:29,683 --> 00:10:31,843
But your wife. Won't she...?

229
00:10:31,843 --> 00:10:34,243
Oh, she won't mind. More the
merrier.

230
00:10:34,243 --> 00:10:35,643
Oh! Mr Khan!

231
00:10:38,323 --> 00:10:39,763
See? Welcoming.

232
00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:41,603
Right.

233
00:10:41,603 --> 00:10:43,163
What about Sajid?

234
00:10:43,163 --> 00:10:44,603
What?

235
00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:46,283
He's good-looking
like the George Clooneys.

236
00:10:46,283 --> 00:10:47,763
No, he isn't.

237
00:10:47,763 --> 00:10:50,203
You might have something there.
Wait a minute.

238
00:10:50,203 --> 00:10:52,963
No, Sajid's definitely got
a nice open face. Fresh,

239
00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:56,763
modern, but mature enough
to be authoritative.

240
00:10:56,763 --> 00:10:58,323
What are you talking about?

241
00:10:58,323 --> 00:10:59,723
I do like to take care of myself.

242
00:10:59,723 --> 00:11:01,763
I go to that new men's salon
in Edgbaston.

243
00:11:01,763 --> 00:11:04,963
You'd be perfect. The attractive,
modern face of Islam. What do you
say, Sajid?

244
00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:06,243
Er...

245
00:11:06,243 --> 00:11:07,523
There you are. He said no.

246
00:11:07,523 --> 00:11:10,843
It's easy. You just sit in front of
the camera. We'll tell you what
to say.

247
00:11:10,843 --> 00:11:13,243
Stop bullying him, Dave.

248
00:11:13,243 --> 00:11:15,443
You can't force him
to do something against his will.

249
00:11:15,443 --> 00:11:17,123
It's a free country, you know.

250
00:11:17,123 --> 00:11:19,203
Please? You'd be great.

251
00:11:19,203 --> 00:11:20,243
I'd watch him.

252
00:11:22,443 --> 00:11:24,243
Looks like we've found our star.

253
00:11:25,323 --> 00:11:29,643
You should be ashamed, Dave.
Judging people by their looks!

254
00:11:29,643 --> 00:11:31,923
You're a typical bloody ginger!

255
00:11:37,323 --> 00:11:40,043
Wow, Mum. You look like a
supermodel.

256
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:43,603
It's wonderful. Um, what about...?

257
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,803
We'll sort that out.

258
00:11:45,803 --> 00:11:48,163
Thanks, beti.
You're so good at this.

259
00:11:48,163 --> 00:11:49,883
What's all this about anyway?

260
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,683
It's for my big surprise.

261
00:11:51,683 --> 00:11:54,643
Today is a very special day
for your father and me.

262
00:11:54,643 --> 00:11:56,683
I've got all our closest friends
coming round later.

263
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:59,763
He doesn't know anything about it.

264
00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:01,203
Oh, Mum, that's so sweet.

265
00:12:01,203 --> 00:12:04,403
Oh, and some of the women are coming
earlier. Can you do their makeovers,
too?

266
00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:07,003
Of course.
And Mrs Malik's coming as well.

267
00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:09,603
You're going to need more make-up.

268
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:11,643
MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

269
00:12:12,803 --> 00:12:15,843
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be at the mosque!

270
00:12:15,843 --> 00:12:20,283
Apparently, that tart Sajid
is more modern and inclusive than
me!

271
00:12:22,443 --> 00:12:25,083
Tell me honestly.
Do I look old-fashioned to you?

272
00:12:39,923 --> 00:12:42,723
You can't be here. Now, get out
and don't come back until this
evening.

273
00:12:42,723 --> 00:12:45,163
Why? Because...

274
00:12:45,163 --> 00:12:47,763
I'm making jalebis
and I don't want you under my feet.

275
00:12:47,763 --> 00:12:49,443
Jalebis? Jalebis.

276
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:51,683
You're making jalebis?
I'm making jalebis.

277
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:55,003
What are you making jalebis for?
I can make jalebis if I want to.
It's a free country.

278
00:12:55,003 --> 00:12:58,243
All right. Blimey.
What am I supposed to do till then?

279
00:12:58,243 --> 00:13:00,483
You can pick me up
from the hairdresser's later.

280
00:13:00,483 --> 00:13:03,443
Oh, not more pimping and pumping!

281
00:13:03,443 --> 00:13:07,083
You're as bad as Dave's
new best friend, Sajid.

282
00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:10,243
Well, he's really good-looking,
though, Dad. He's a hottie.

283
00:13:10,243 --> 00:13:11,403
No, he's not.

284
00:13:11,403 --> 00:13:14,003
He is, Papaji. He's well buff.

285
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:17,763
Anyone can look like that.

286
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,923
It's all lotions and potions.

287
00:13:20,923 --> 00:13:22,843
Even I could be a well-hot buff...

288
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:26,403
...if I wanted to.

289
00:13:27,803 --> 00:13:29,123
Hmm...

290
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:36,683
Wow, this looks smart.

291
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:37,923
It's great, this place.

292
00:13:37,923 --> 00:13:40,323
Well, we've got to make sure
our star's looking his best.

293
00:13:40,323 --> 00:13:43,363
I think this is where
all the young, trendy guys come.

294
00:13:45,643 --> 00:13:46,723
Salaam aleikum!

295
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:47,763
Mr Khan!

296
00:13:47,763 --> 00:13:49,003
Hello, Dave.

297
00:13:49,003 --> 00:13:51,123
What are you doing here?

298
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,443
I thought I'd pop in before I pick
Mrs Khan up from the hairdresser's.

299
00:13:54,443 --> 00:13:57,163
I always come here. I know everyone.

300
00:13:57,163 --> 00:14:00,003
Would you like to choose your
treatment, sir?

301
00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:01,043
Thanks...

302
00:14:01,043 --> 00:14:02,603
Salon.

303
00:14:06,483 --> 00:14:07,843
I must say, I'm surprised.

304
00:14:07,843 --> 00:14:09,403
I'm full of surprises, Dave.

305
00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:14,963
Thank you, darling.
You're welcome, sweetie.

306
00:14:19,523 --> 00:14:22,123
So...so you're a regular here?
Of course!

307
00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:24,283
Get off me!

308
00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:27,483
It's a manicure, Mr Khan.
Have you never had a manicure?

309
00:14:27,483 --> 00:14:29,003
Have I ever had a man do what?

310
00:14:30,643 --> 00:14:31,763
She's doing your nails.

311
00:14:31,763 --> 00:14:34,643
I knew that. I'll do them later, eh?

312
00:14:34,643 --> 00:14:38,283
But don't paint them red, though.
That always looks a bit tarty.

313
00:14:39,563 --> 00:14:42,883
So, what are you having done today,
Mr K?

314
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:46,763
Oh, well, you know. The usual,
Sajid.

315
00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:48,003
What about you?

316
00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:50,283
I suppose I'll have the beard trim.

317
00:14:50,283 --> 00:14:52,283
Yes. Me too.

318
00:14:52,283 --> 00:14:55,363
I like to keep it really short.
You know? Like designer stubble.

319
00:14:55,363 --> 00:14:57,483
Yeah. Same here.

320
00:14:57,483 --> 00:15:00,243
CLIPPERS BUZZ

321
00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:02,003
Thank you. That's enough. Thank you.

322
00:15:05,283 --> 00:15:08,043
So, what else are you having?

323
00:15:08,043 --> 00:15:10,483
A bit of a haircut. Maybe a facial.

324
00:15:10,483 --> 00:15:13,643
I might get them to wax
the back of my hands as well.

325
00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:14,843
Really?

326
00:15:14,843 --> 00:15:18,443
Yeah, you can get everything done
here. Shoulders, underarms...

327
00:15:18,443 --> 00:15:20,043
Oh, yeah, I see.

328
00:15:20,043 --> 00:15:22,883
Dave, it says you can
get your back done as well.

329
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:25,683
And sack, too.

330
00:15:27,763 --> 00:15:29,083
What's that?

331
00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,763
Something you sit on?

332
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,003
Er, well...

333
00:15:33,003 --> 00:15:34,603
Like a beanbag?

334
00:15:34,603 --> 00:15:36,723
Yes, I suppose it is.

335
00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:39,283
And crack, too.

336
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:44,363
That's an Irish word, isn't it,
Dave?

337
00:15:44,363 --> 00:15:46,843
It means "jolly good fun",
doesn't it?

338
00:15:46,843 --> 00:15:48,643
I'm not sure in this case.

339
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,363
Come on, Dave.

340
00:15:50,363 --> 00:15:53,243
You gingers are supposed to know
all about these Irish things.

341
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:58,203
Actually, Mr Khan, it's a way of
removing hair from your more
intimate areas.

342
00:15:58,203 --> 00:16:00,203
Oh, yes. Of course.

343
00:16:00,203 --> 00:16:03,363
Well, it's all good Muslim practice.

344
00:16:05,483 --> 00:16:07,243
So, do you ever have it done?

345
00:16:07,243 --> 00:16:11,363
No. No. No, it can be a bit awkward
having someone else do it.

346
00:16:12,563 --> 00:16:14,283
I've got a mole, you see?

347
00:16:14,283 --> 00:16:17,043
It's only a small thing,
but it's a bit embarrassing.

348
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:19,203
Don't worry, Dave. It's no big deal.

349
00:16:19,203 --> 00:16:21,883
SHOUTS: You don't mind seeing
his small thingy, do you?!

350
00:16:24,523 --> 00:16:27,643
You must get lots of people coming
here with little things like that.

351
00:16:28,803 --> 00:16:30,483
I got one, too.

352
00:16:30,483 --> 00:16:32,443
But mine's really tiny.

353
00:16:32,443 --> 00:16:34,403
Sometimes you can hardly see it
at all.

354
00:16:34,403 --> 00:16:36,363
The other day I couldn't even find
it.

355
00:16:38,643 --> 00:16:41,523
Right. I'll have the back, sack
and crack, please.

356
00:16:43,883 --> 00:16:46,283
And make sure you don't miss
anything.

357
00:16:46,283 --> 00:16:50,883
At these prices, I want to be as
smooth as a little silky coin-purse.

358
00:16:53,123 --> 00:16:56,843
So, Sajid, are you having
the back, sack, and crack?

359
00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,603
No, I don't really bother with all
that.

360
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:04,203
But surely, as a good Muslim,
you shave your...downstairs.

361
00:17:04,203 --> 00:17:06,923
No, I don't really like it.
It's too itchy.

362
00:17:06,923 --> 00:17:09,643
Oh. Really?

363
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,483
Did you hear that, Dave?

364
00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:13,803
What?

365
00:17:13,803 --> 00:17:16,923
Sajid's dingly-danglies aren't
halal!

366
00:17:18,803 --> 00:17:22,723
Maybe he's not such a great example
of a modern Muslim man after all!

367
00:17:22,723 --> 00:17:24,483
I don't think you can say that.

368
00:17:24,483 --> 00:17:28,083
Come on. He can hardly be
the face of the mosque now.

369
00:17:28,083 --> 00:17:29,403
I mean, what will the imam say?

370
00:17:29,403 --> 00:17:30,443
Well...

371
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:35,083
Seriously, Dave, how can he star
in your movie if his bits aren't
shaved?

372
00:17:35,083 --> 00:17:37,603
Well, it's not really that sort of
film, Mr Khan.

373
00:17:37,603 --> 00:17:39,923
You know what I mean.

374
00:17:39,923 --> 00:17:43,003
Mr Khan's right.
Maybe I shouldn't be in the film.
It wouldn't be right.

375
00:17:43,003 --> 00:17:44,163
There, you see?

376
00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:45,683
Are you sure, Sajid?

377
00:17:45,683 --> 00:17:46,843
Of course he's sure.

378
00:17:46,843 --> 00:17:51,443
Oh, OK. Well, I suppose we'll
just have to find someone else.

379
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:56,443
Would you like to be in the film,
Mr Khan?

380
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,163
Very well, Dave.

381
00:17:58,163 --> 00:18:00,603
I'll do it.

382
00:18:00,603 --> 00:18:03,763
Only because I can see
you're in a tight spot.

383
00:18:03,763 --> 00:18:05,843
I'd hate to see you let the mosque
down.

384
00:18:05,843 --> 00:18:07,883
That's very good of you.
I know.

385
00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:11,203
Oh, but what about Mrs Khan? Haven't
you got to pick her up from the
hairdresser's?

386
00:18:11,203 --> 00:18:13,243
Oh, it's OK. Sajid can pick her up
in your minibus.

387
00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:14,323
You don't mind, do you?

388
00:18:14,323 --> 00:18:15,403
Not at all.

389
00:18:15,403 --> 00:18:17,403
Good boy. She likes you.

390
00:18:17,403 --> 00:18:19,203
She's a fine woman, Mrs Khan.

391
00:18:21,203 --> 00:18:22,603
Right, we're ready for you now, sir.

392
00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:24,843
If you'd like to come through
to the treatment room.

393
00:18:24,843 --> 00:18:27,763
You know...this waxing...

394
00:18:27,763 --> 00:18:29,323
Does it hurt?

395
00:18:29,323 --> 00:18:31,563
No. Not really.

396
00:18:33,003 --> 00:18:35,483
And Ken is very gentle.

397
00:18:35,483 --> 00:18:36,603
Oh, good.

398
00:18:39,923 --> 00:18:41,803
The wax not too hot for you?

399
00:18:41,803 --> 00:18:44,243
No, it's actually quite nice.

400
00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,883
Great.

401
00:18:45,883 --> 00:18:47,363
I'll just get Ken.

402
00:18:52,243 --> 00:18:53,283
Brace yourself.

403
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:54,323
RIPPING

404
00:18:54,323 --> 00:18:57,483
Oh, twaddi!

405
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:08,843
Oww...

406
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:11,803
Right, well, I suppose
we'd better get on with it, then.

407
00:19:11,803 --> 00:19:14,363
Yes. Good. Lights, camera, action,
isn't it?

408
00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:15,403
Are you OK?

409
00:19:15,403 --> 00:19:18,523
Yes, of course.
I'm primed and ready to go.

410
00:19:18,523 --> 00:19:21,283
I thought perhaps we could start
with you sitting behind the desk.

411
00:19:21,283 --> 00:19:22,843
No.

412
00:19:22,843 --> 00:19:24,683
No? Sitting on the desk?

413
00:19:24,683 --> 00:19:26,763
No sitting, Dave. Only standing.

414
00:19:26,763 --> 00:19:27,883
Walking?

415
00:19:27,883 --> 00:19:29,763
Not really.

416
00:19:29,763 --> 00:19:32,283
Right, well, if you could
just stand there, then.

417
00:19:32,283 --> 00:19:33,803
OK, Omar? Ready.

418
00:19:33,803 --> 00:19:35,283
Mr Khan? I'm ready.

419
00:19:35,283 --> 00:19:38,243
Finally, after all these years,

420
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:40,403
I'm going to be broadcasting
to the nation.

421
00:19:40,403 --> 00:19:43,443
This could be the start of
something. Who knows where
it might lead?

422
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:46,643
You could be in demand all over the
world.

423
00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:48,283
Think of the travel opportunities.

424
00:19:49,603 --> 00:19:52,483
Have you got itchy feet?
I've got itchy something.

425
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:56,563
Although I'm not sure that Mrs Khan
would be very happy with you being
away a lot.

426
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:59,363
That's true. Women don't like
being left on their own.

427
00:19:59,363 --> 00:20:02,363
You must watch out for the older
woman with the younger man.

428
00:20:02,363 --> 00:20:06,003
It is very common these days.
They call them cougars.

429
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:10,603
My wife isn't a cougar.
We don't have cougars in Pakistan.

430
00:20:10,603 --> 00:20:13,083
I used to think that about my wife.

431
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:14,843
Then she started behaving strangely.

432
00:20:14,843 --> 00:20:17,643
Getting her hair done.
Buying new clothes.

433
00:20:17,643 --> 00:20:19,363
What?

434
00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:23,003
That is the first sign.
They dress up for the new admirer.

435
00:20:23,003 --> 00:20:25,283
My wife doesn't have admirers.

436
00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:26,963
I thought that, too,

437
00:20:26,963 --> 00:20:30,043
but it turned out to be some guy
who came round to fix the boiler.

438
00:20:32,283 --> 00:20:33,523
The boiler?

439
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,843
They used to meet up
when I was at the mosque.

440
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:38,883
She used to tell me
she'd be making jalebis.

441
00:20:40,283 --> 00:20:42,563
Oh, my God.

442
00:20:42,563 --> 00:20:44,523
And I got him to pick her up.

443
00:20:44,523 --> 00:20:47,883
Are you all right, Mr Khan?
I'm fine. I'm completely fine.

444
00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:50,723
You look a bit pale.
So do you.

445
00:20:50,723 --> 00:20:53,043
Shall I start recording?

446
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,443
No. I've just got to pop home
for a minute.

447
00:20:55,443 --> 00:20:56,963
But we're ready to go.

448
00:20:56,963 --> 00:20:59,723
Yes, but I think I've left
the back door open,

449
00:20:59,723 --> 00:21:01,123
and the bath running,

450
00:21:01,123 --> 00:21:03,083
and the gas on.
What about the film?

451
00:21:06,243 --> 00:21:08,123
You're halal. You can do it!

452
00:21:19,763 --> 00:21:23,403
Hello. It's me! Mr Khan!

453
00:21:23,403 --> 00:21:25,283
Mrs Khan's husband!

454
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,163
Papaji, I thought
you were making your film.

455
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:29,203
Never mind that.
Have you seen your mother?

456
00:21:29,203 --> 00:21:31,883
Yeah. Is she...alone?

457
00:21:31,883 --> 00:21:33,883
No. Hai!

458
00:21:33,883 --> 00:21:35,923
And you're not supposed to be here.
I know.

459
00:21:35,923 --> 00:21:37,123
She doesn't want you around.

460
00:21:37,123 --> 00:21:40,043
Oh, God. It's all my fault.

461
00:21:40,043 --> 00:21:41,083
What is?

462
00:21:41,083 --> 00:21:44,003
If only I'd been more like Sajid.

463
00:21:44,003 --> 00:21:46,403
If only I told her
how I feel about her.

464
00:21:46,403 --> 00:21:49,043
We should have communicated more.
I should have listened.

465
00:21:49,043 --> 00:21:51,283
Why didn't I listen?!

466
00:21:51,283 --> 00:21:53,363
But, Papaji...
Not now, beti.

467
00:21:54,403 --> 00:21:55,683
I've got to face up to this.

468
00:21:55,683 --> 00:21:58,283
She said she definitely didn't want
anyone going in there.

469
00:21:58,283 --> 00:21:59,843
OK, that's it!

470
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,963
Tell me I'm not too late!

471
00:22:07,443 --> 00:22:10,483
I love you, my darling.

472
00:22:10,483 --> 00:22:13,363
Don't make your jalebis with
another.

473
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:19,643
Let me be your little gulab jamun!

474
00:22:21,723 --> 00:22:23,123
Mr Khan!

475
00:22:24,203 --> 00:22:26,323
Mrs Malik! Dad!

476
00:22:26,323 --> 00:22:27,763
What are you doing?

477
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,163
I could ask you the same question.

478
00:22:29,163 --> 00:22:31,603
We're doing makeovers. Hmm?

479
00:22:31,603 --> 00:22:33,683
Shazia's doing makeovers on us.

480
00:22:33,683 --> 00:22:35,203
Oh, thank God.

481
00:22:35,203 --> 00:22:38,043
What did you think?
Nothing. Nothing at all.

482
00:22:38,043 --> 00:22:39,323
So what are you doing back here?

483
00:22:39,323 --> 00:22:42,603
I just came back to do some...

484
00:22:42,603 --> 00:22:43,803
communicating.

485
00:22:43,803 --> 00:22:46,043
What? What's the matter with you?

486
00:22:46,043 --> 00:22:50,643
Why don't we talk about your
feelings? Have you got any?

487
00:22:52,043 --> 00:22:53,163
What?

488
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,163
And compliments, too.

489
00:22:55,163 --> 00:22:57,003
All you ladies...

490
00:22:57,003 --> 00:22:59,203
You don't need makeovers.

491
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,843
You look very nice as you are.

492
00:23:00,843 --> 00:23:02,123
Thank you.

493
00:23:02,123 --> 00:23:03,563
I wasn't talking to you.

494
00:23:05,323 --> 00:23:07,483
So...

495
00:23:07,483 --> 00:23:09,883
it's all completely innocent.

496
00:23:09,883 --> 00:23:11,283
Very nice.

497
00:23:11,283 --> 00:23:13,083
I don't know what I was worried
about.

498
00:23:13,083 --> 00:23:14,843
Right, so now you can go.

499
00:23:14,843 --> 00:23:17,523
Yes. Fine. I'm going.

500
00:23:17,523 --> 00:23:20,563
I just need to get
some...talcum powder first.

501
00:23:22,123 --> 00:23:23,243
You can't go upstairs.

502
00:23:23,243 --> 00:23:24,723
Oh, God.

503
00:23:25,723 --> 00:23:26,803
I knew it!

504
00:23:26,803 --> 00:23:29,963
No! Wait! What are you doing?

505
00:23:29,963 --> 00:23:33,443
Where is he?
He must be here somewhere!

506
00:23:33,443 --> 00:23:36,203
Have you gone mad?
What are you talking about?!

507
00:23:38,683 --> 00:23:40,163
I know about Sajid.

508
00:23:40,163 --> 00:23:42,683
Sajid? Boiler man Sajid?

509
00:23:42,683 --> 00:23:44,763
Don't play games with me.

510
00:23:44,763 --> 00:23:46,563
THUD

511
00:23:46,563 --> 00:23:49,163
In our bedroom, of all places!

512
00:23:49,163 --> 00:23:50,523
You can't go in there.

513
00:23:50,523 --> 00:23:52,363
Too late!

514
00:23:52,363 --> 00:23:54,923
WOMAN SHRIEKS

515
00:23:54,923 --> 00:23:56,883
SHRIEKS

516
00:23:58,163 --> 00:23:59,363
That wasn't Sajid!

517
00:23:59,363 --> 00:24:00,803
Of course not.

518
00:24:00,803 --> 00:24:02,123
What the hell was it?!

519
00:24:02,123 --> 00:24:04,203
That was Mrs Younis.

520
00:24:04,203 --> 00:24:05,643
And who?

521
00:24:05,643 --> 00:24:07,363
No, that was all her.

522
00:24:09,283 --> 00:24:11,363
She's trying out support pants.

523
00:24:11,363 --> 00:24:12,723
So no Sajid?

524
00:24:12,723 --> 00:24:14,603
What's Sajid got to do with this?

525
00:24:14,603 --> 00:24:17,283
I thought...he was...

526
00:24:17,283 --> 00:24:21,603
They said at the mosque about
the cougars and fixing the boiler

527
00:24:21,603 --> 00:24:23,443
and making jalebis.

528
00:24:23,443 --> 00:24:26,203
Of course there's no-one else here.

529
00:24:26,203 --> 00:24:27,643
You silly man.

530
00:24:28,603 --> 00:24:30,843
COUGHS

531
00:24:33,443 --> 00:24:35,243
I swear I don't know who that is.

532
00:24:35,243 --> 00:24:36,483
I do!

533
00:24:38,283 --> 00:24:40,283
Right. I knew it. I knew it.

534
00:24:40,283 --> 00:24:44,003
Come on out of there
and fight like a man!

535
00:24:44,003 --> 00:24:45,763
What are you doing? Stop it!

536
00:24:45,763 --> 00:24:48,763
Come on, you coward!

537
00:24:48,763 --> 00:24:50,203
SHRIEKS

538
00:24:57,323 --> 00:24:59,563
Dad, what's going on?
Cover your ears.

539
00:24:59,563 --> 00:25:00,763
This is grown-up things.

540
00:25:00,763 --> 00:25:03,603
What? Shazia, he said it's grown-up
things.

541
00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:05,403
Mum?

542
00:25:05,403 --> 00:25:06,683
Your father's gone mad.

543
00:25:06,683 --> 00:25:08,003
Brilliant.

544
00:25:08,003 --> 00:25:11,763
Sometimes, beti,
even when two people are married,

545
00:25:11,763 --> 00:25:14,203
they might do silly things
with other people.

546
00:25:14,203 --> 00:25:17,163
But you mustn't just blame your
mother.

547
00:25:17,163 --> 00:25:19,843
I, too, must take some
responsibility.

548
00:25:19,843 --> 00:25:22,043
But it's mostly her.

549
00:25:22,043 --> 00:25:24,923
What is? What is he talking about?

550
00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:28,043
There is no easy way of saying this,
Shazia.

551
00:25:28,043 --> 00:25:30,643
Your mother...has...

552
00:25:30,643 --> 00:25:31,683
betrayed me!

553
00:25:31,683 --> 00:25:34,203
What? With who?

554
00:25:35,683 --> 00:25:37,483
With a wardrobe?

555
00:25:37,483 --> 00:25:39,563
Not with a wardrobe!

556
00:25:39,563 --> 00:25:41,883
With who's in the wardrobe!

557
00:25:41,883 --> 00:25:43,963
Who is it? Ask your mother.

558
00:25:43,963 --> 00:25:45,163
I don't know.

559
00:25:45,163 --> 00:25:46,763
It's Sajid! Sajid?

560
00:25:46,763 --> 00:25:47,963
Yes, Sajid!

561
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,403
Sajid's in the wardrobe?

562
00:25:49,403 --> 00:25:50,603
That's right. Sajid!

563
00:25:50,603 --> 00:25:52,763
Sajid? Sajid!

564
00:25:54,563 --> 00:25:55,923
That's my name. Don't wear it out.

565
00:25:58,763 --> 00:26:01,803
I said I'd pop back and check
on the boiler. Is this a bad time?

566
00:26:01,803 --> 00:26:03,963
But...

567
00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:05,563
if you...

568
00:26:05,563 --> 00:26:07,643
...then who's in...?

569
00:26:07,643 --> 00:26:10,363
BANGING
Yoo-hoo!

570
00:26:10,363 --> 00:26:11,683
You found me.

571
00:26:16,963 --> 00:26:19,963
Mr Khan...
I think you squashed my jalebis.

572
00:26:26,963 --> 00:26:28,003
Well?!

573
00:26:30,483 --> 00:26:33,083
You must have some explanation.

574
00:26:33,083 --> 00:26:34,923
What was I supposed to think?

575
00:26:34,923 --> 00:26:40,643
You had makeover and new hairdo
and new outfit.

576
00:26:40,643 --> 00:26:41,763
Who's that for, eh?

577
00:26:41,763 --> 00:26:44,003
Us. It was for us.

578
00:26:44,003 --> 00:26:45,043
Eh?

579
00:26:45,043 --> 00:26:47,123
I wanted to have a special evening.

580
00:26:47,123 --> 00:26:49,123
It was meant to be a surprise.

581
00:26:49,123 --> 00:26:51,443
But it's not my birthday.
I know.

582
00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:54,243
And it's not your birthday.
I know.

583
00:26:54,243 --> 00:26:56,523
Oh, God. It's not our anniversary,
is it?

584
00:26:56,523 --> 00:26:58,363
No.

585
00:26:58,363 --> 00:27:00,283
It's just...

586
00:27:00,283 --> 00:27:03,603
don't you realise
that it's exactly 30 years

587
00:27:03,603 --> 00:27:04,963
since I first set eyes on you?

588
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:07,203
Is it?

589
00:27:07,203 --> 00:27:08,523
Haan.

590
00:27:08,523 --> 00:27:10,603
It was on the bus that time,
remember?

591
00:27:10,603 --> 00:27:12,843
I was on my way back
to my father's village.

592
00:27:12,843 --> 00:27:14,603
Of course.

593
00:27:14,603 --> 00:27:16,043
It was packed.

594
00:27:16,043 --> 00:27:17,963
Standing room only.

595
00:27:17,963 --> 00:27:20,283
And I let you sit in my place.

596
00:27:20,283 --> 00:27:21,963
And the road was full of holes,

597
00:27:21,963 --> 00:27:24,203
and then we went over a really big
bump

598
00:27:24,203 --> 00:27:26,003
and you fell right on top of me.

599
00:27:27,443 --> 00:27:30,123
But it wasn't that bad
sitting on the roof, though, was it?

600
00:27:32,523 --> 00:27:35,243
No. It was fun.

601
00:27:35,243 --> 00:27:37,003
Until you fell off
halfway to Gujranwala.

602
00:27:38,003 --> 00:27:40,283
We were so young.

603
00:27:40,283 --> 00:27:43,723
You were the prettiest thing
I'd ever seen.

604
00:27:48,243 --> 00:27:53,363
And I wanted to try and look
a little bit like I did
all those years ago.

605
00:27:53,363 --> 00:27:55,043
But you do.

606
00:27:56,043 --> 00:27:58,043
Whenever I look at you,

607
00:27:58,043 --> 00:27:59,883
all I see

608
00:27:59,883 --> 00:28:02,723
is that beautiful young girl
from the bus.

609
00:28:05,283 --> 00:28:06,843
You're such a smoothie.

610
00:28:08,643 --> 00:28:09,963
I am now.