Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
Community leader.
They all know me... You like my suit?
Number one - Citizen Khan.
You buy wardrobe, then they want to charge for delivery.
No! I got Mercedes.
HUMS TO TUNE OF JANIS JOPLIN: Mercedes Benz
# Oh, Allah has bought me a Mercedes-Benz
# My friends all drive Datsuns
# They are infidels
# Tum te, tum tum tum
# Tum tum... #
"Fit screw 10 into slot D."
Which is screw 10?
Oh, this is impossible!
Why don't they give the bloody instructions in Urdu?
We're not going to finish it.
We have to finish it.
I've got to go to the mosque for my photoshoot in ten minutes.
There's a photoshoot at the mosque?
Yes, for the annual mosque magazine.
Are you in it? I'm in it every year.
You see, the person who represents the mosque
must be perfect embodiment of a Muslim man.
I got big beard. Nice hat.
Classic suit.
Tradition never goes out of fashion, Amjad.
You young people spend too much time on the Spacebook, Hotmails,
watching videos on Boobtube.
This is what it's really about.
You want to feel it?
No, thank you, sir.
It's OK. You can touch it.
Feel my beard. Go on!
What do you think? It's bushy, isn't it?
It's very bushy, sir.
And I tell you something else. Beards are very popular now.
Did you know, one in five men in the UK has a beard?
In Pakistan, it's double.
Even more if you include the womens.
Come on, Mum!
MRS KHAN: No, forget it. I look ridiculous.
Don't be silly. Let's have a look.
Wow.
What do you think?
Mum, you look amazing.
Doesn't she? Yeah, you look great.
Can I go out? No.
I'll do your make-up later, OK?
OK. But don't tell your father. I don't want him to know.
I've got a big surprise planned.
Do you really think it looks good? Yes.
Oh!
DRILL WHIRS
AMJAD: It's nearly done, sir.
Right. It just needs to go upstairs on the landing.
AMJAD: OK.
DRILL WHIRS
Stop!
AMJAD: What is it, sir?
It's the wrong one! What's wrong with it?
It's made in bloody India, that's what!
Ta-da!
The wardrobe's got to go back.
What about Mum?
It's too late to take her back, sweetie.
I mean, how does she look?
She's got a new outfit. Oh, yes.
What do you think? What does it look like?
Like it was expensive.
Well, I think she looks great. You look like a cougar, Mum.
A what? A cougar.
Because she's a browny-beige colour?
No.
Because she got funny teeth?
Because she's a sexy older lady.
Shazia, how dare you speak about your mother like that!
Show some respect!
AMJAD: Hello?
I've screwed myself in!
BANGS
Help!
Shazia!
And she's having her hair done this afternoon, too.
All this vanity's very unbecoming of Muslim peoples.
You should be more modest and humble.
Where are you going? To the mosque.
I'm going to be on front cover of magazine!
MAN: Don't turn on any taps. They're not quite finished.
Who's that? Sajid. He's here to fix the boiler.
Sajid's here? Why didn't you say?!
Salaam, Mr Khans.
WOMEN: Waleikum assalam.
Hey, Alia. How's college?
Great, thanks, Sajid.
And Shazia? Job all good?
Really good, thanks, Sajid.
Oh, my goodness.
Who is this vision of loveliness?
Where?
Wow, Mrs Khan. You look more beautiful than ever.
Hello, Sajid.
New outfit? Yes.
Lovely. So where are you taking her, Mr Khan?
What?
You can't keep a magnificent creature like this shut up at home.
What creature? Have we got mice?
What's it to be? A romantic corner in your favourite bistro?
Just a little dinner a deux?
Does anyone here speak English?
Well, anyway, the boiler's all fixed
but I'll have to pop back later, make sure it's all running smoothly.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Oh, it's all right. Don't be silly.
Yes, don't be silly, Sajid. You're always welcome here.
Unless you start charging.
Why can't you be more like Sajid?
What you have to understand, sweetie, is that Sajid and I are very different.
I'm the quintessential Muslim man. Pakistani pin-up.
Sajid is doing the ladies' talking,
has funny stuff in his hair
and he has a very small beard.
Not like a proper man at all.
You're right, Mr K. I'm more your metrosexual kind of guy.
Don't worry. We welcome all sorts in this house.
I'm going to the mosque.
Oh, you couldn't give us a lift, could you?
Oh. No car, Sajid? Dear, oh, dear.
It's OK.
I'll give you a ride in my Mercedes.
That's what real men drive.
MR KHAN GROANS
Everything all right?
I can't turn tap on!
TUNE OF DURAN DURAN: Girls On Film # Khans on film, tum de tum tum
# Khans on film, tum de tum tum. #
Where is everyone?
Maybe they're all still at prayers.
Always some excuse.
Now, I thought I'd do the photo from sitting behind the desk.
YELLS
Riaz!
Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum assalam.
What the hell are you doing down there?
I was sleeping. The wife kicked me out.
What? Why?
I don't know.
It's a total mystery.
Well, she must have given you a reason.
Well, she said that I took her for granted,
that the romance had gone,
and that I'd let myself go physically.
Just doesn't make any sense.
It's a mystery, all right.
I brought you your clean underwear and a toothbrush.
Oh, great.
You should try and talk to her, Riaz.
With women it's all about communication.
They need to talk about their feelings, and you need to listen.
Take an interest in them. Compliment them on how they look.
Load of smushy-mushy nonsense!
No, it's good advice.
Back in Somalia, my wife used to say
that communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I didn't know you were married.
Not any more. I lost her.
Oh, I'm so sorry, mate.
Yes, that is sad. How did it happen?
Eaten by a lion?
What?
Or was it a hippopotamus?
They're even more dangerous than lions, apparently.
She's not dead.
You said you lost her.
Yes, in the supermarket.
She said that she wanted Marmite,
and wandered off into Jams and Spreads.
I never saw her again.
Salaam aleikum. Waleikum assalam.
Hello, Dave.
Where have you been? I've got to take the photo for the magazine!
Thing is, Mr Khan, we're not actually doing the magazine this year.
What?
I just thought it felt a bit old-fashioned,
not in keeping with modern sensibilities.
You see, this is just the kind of rubbish I've come to expect from you, Dave.
It's not your fault. You gingers are different from us Pakistanis.
Surely we're all the same in God's eyes, Mr Khan.
He only says that to make you feel better.
We all know he has his favourites.
Right.
We've got to do the magazine!
Otherwise how would people know what we've been up to?
Well, I'm making a short promotional film instead
about the mosque community centre.
Now, I thought we could put it on the internet and see what responses we get.
Good idea.
Now, I know it's not the sort of thing you approve of, but... What did you say?
I said, "Good idea." Right.
I'm all in favour, Dave. We got to embrace the modern technologies.
We can't live in the past, can we?
I must say, that's a very refreshing attitude.
Have you decided who's going to present it?
Not yet. No. Now, I was hoping that we might try and get one of...
Come on, Dave. It's got to be me. Mr Khan, community leader.
They all know me.
Thing is, Mr Khan, I was hoping to get across
how modern and inclusive the mosque is.
I'm modern and inclusive!
We need to be seen to be welcoming to all.
I'm very welcoming.
Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!
Oh, God. Mrs Bilal.
You know, we must stop meeting like this.
I agree.
Can I tempt you with my jalebis?
No!
I'm busy. You have them.
I can't. I'm watching my figure.
Well, you're on your own there.
Maybe I could bring them to your house some time.
No bloody way!
Ahem!
I mean...yes, of course.
What? I'd love to see you at my house.
Really?
Absolutely. Come any time.
But your wife. Won't she...?
Oh, she won't mind. More the merrier.
Oh! Mr Khan!
See? Welcoming.
Right.
What about Sajid?
What?
He's good-looking like the George Clooneys.
No, he isn't.
You might have something there. Wait a minute.
No, Sajid's definitely got a nice open face. Fresh,
modern, but mature enough to be authoritative.
What are you talking about?
I do like to take care of myself.
I go to that new men's salon in Edgbaston.
You'd be perfect. The attractive, modern face of Islam. What do you say, Sajid?
Er...
There you are. He said no.
It's easy. You just sit in front of the camera. We'll tell you what to say.
Stop bullying him, Dave.
You can't force him to do something against his will.
It's a free country, you know.
Please? You'd be great.
I'd watch him.
Looks like we've found our star.
You should be ashamed, Dave. Judging people by their looks!
You're a typical bloody ginger!
Wow, Mum. You look like a supermodel.
It's wonderful. Um, what about...?
We'll sort that out.
Thanks, beti. You're so good at this.
What's all this about anyway?
It's for my big surprise.
Today is a very special day for your father and me.
I've got all our closest friends coming round later.
He doesn't know anything about it.
Oh, Mum, that's so sweet.
Oh, and some of the women are coming earlier. Can you do their makeovers, too?
Of course. And Mrs Malik's coming as well.
You're going to need more make-up.
MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the mosque!
Apparently, that tart Sajid is more modern and inclusive than me!
Tell me honestly. Do I look old-fashioned to you?
You can't be here. Now, get out and don't come back until this evening.
Why? Because...
I'm making jalebis and I don't want you under my feet.
Jalebis? Jalebis.
You're making jalebis? I'm making jalebis.
What are you making jalebis for? I can make jalebis if I want to. It's a free country.
All right. Blimey. What am I supposed to do till then?
You can pick me up from the hairdresser's later.
Oh, not more pimping and pumping!
You're as bad as Dave's new best friend, Sajid.
Well, he's really good-looking, though, Dad. He's a hottie.
No, he's not.
He is, Papaji. He's well buff.
Anyone can look like that.
It's all lotions and potions.
Even I could be a well-hot buff...
...if I wanted to.
Hmm...
Wow, this looks smart.
It's great, this place.
Well, we've got to make sure our star's looking his best.
I think this is where all the young, trendy guys come.
Salaam aleikum!
Mr Khan!
Hello, Dave.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd pop in before I pick Mrs Khan up from the hairdresser's.
I always come here. I know everyone.
Would you like to choose your treatment, sir?
Thanks...
Salon.
I must say, I'm surprised.
I'm full of surprises, Dave.
Thank you, darling. You're welcome, sweetie.
So...so you're a regular here? Of course!
Get off me!
It's a manicure, Mr Khan. Have you never had a manicure?
Have I ever had a man do what?
She's doing your nails.
I knew that. I'll do them later, eh?
But don't paint them red, though. That always looks a bit tarty.
So, what are you having done today, Mr K?
Oh, well, you know. The usual, Sajid.
What about you?
I suppose I'll have the beard trim.
Yes. Me too.
I like to keep it really short. You know? Like designer stubble.
Yeah. Same here.
CLIPPERS BUZZ
Thank you. That's enough. Thank you.
So, what else are you having?
A bit of a haircut. Maybe a facial.
I might get them to wax the back of my hands as well.
Really?
Yeah, you can get everything done here. Shoulders, underarms...
Oh, yeah, I see.
Dave, it says you can get your back done as well.
And sack, too.
What's that?
Something you sit on?
Er, well...
Like a beanbag?
Yes, I suppose it is.
And crack, too.
That's an Irish word, isn't it, Dave?
It means "jolly good fun", doesn't it?
I'm not sure in this case.
Come on, Dave.
You gingers are supposed to know all about these Irish things.
Actually, Mr Khan, it's a way of removing hair from your more intimate areas.
Oh, yes. Of course.
Well, it's all good Muslim practice.
So, do you ever have it done?
No. No. No, it can be a bit awkward having someone else do it.
I've got a mole, you see?
It's only a small thing, but it's a bit embarrassing.
Don't worry, Dave. It's no big deal.
SHOUTS: You don't mind seeing his small thingy, do you?!
You must get lots of people coming here with little things like that.
I got one, too.
But mine's really tiny.
Sometimes you can hardly see it at all.
The other day I couldn't even find it.
Right. I'll have the back, sack and crack, please.
And make sure you don't miss anything.
At these prices, I want to be as smooth as a little silky coin-purse.
So, Sajid, are you having the back, sack, and crack?
No, I don't really bother with all that.
But surely, as a good Muslim, you shave your...downstairs.
No, I don't really like it. It's too itchy.
Oh. Really?
Did you hear that, Dave?
What?
Sajid's dingly-danglies aren't halal!
Maybe he's not such a great example of a modern Muslim man after all!
I don't think you can say that.
Come on. He can hardly be the face of the mosque now.
I mean, what will the imam say?
Well...
Seriously, Dave, how can he star in your movie if his bits aren't shaved?
Well, it's not really that sort of film, Mr Khan.
You know what I mean.
Mr Khan's right. Maybe I shouldn't be in the film. It wouldn't be right.
There, you see?
Are you sure, Sajid?
Of course he's sure.
Oh, OK. Well, I suppose we'll just have to find someone else.
Would you like to be in the film, Mr Khan?
Very well, Dave.
I'll do it.
Only because I can see you're in a tight spot.
I'd hate to see you let the mosque down.
That's very good of you. I know.
Oh, but what about Mrs Khan? Haven't you got to pick her up from the hairdresser's?
Oh, it's OK. Sajid can pick her up in your minibus.
You don't mind, do you?
Not at all.
Good boy. She likes you.
She's a fine woman, Mrs Khan.
Right, we're ready for you now, sir.
If you'd like to come through to the treatment room.
You know...this waxing...
Does it hurt?
No. Not really.
And Ken is very gentle.
Oh, good.
The wax not too hot for you?
No, it's actually quite nice.
Great.
I'll just get Ken.
Brace yourself.
RIPPING
Oh, twaddi!
Oww...
Right, well, I suppose we'd better get on with it, then.
Yes. Good. Lights, camera, action, isn't it?
Are you OK?
Yes, of course. I'm primed and ready to go.
I thought perhaps we could start with you sitting behind the desk.
No.
No? Sitting on the desk?
No sitting, Dave. Only standing.
Walking?
Not really.
Right, well, if you could just stand there, then.
OK, Omar? Ready.
Mr Khan? I'm ready.
Finally, after all these years,
I'm going to be broadcasting to the nation.
This could be the start of something. Who knows where it might lead?
You could be in demand all over the world.
Think of the travel opportunities.
Have you got itchy feet? I've got itchy something.
Although I'm not sure that Mrs Khan would be very happy with you being away a lot.
That's true. Women don't like being left on their own.
You must watch out for the older woman with the younger man.
It is very common these days. They call them cougars.
My wife isn't a cougar. We don't have cougars in Pakistan.
I used to think that about my wife.
Then she started behaving strangely.
Getting her hair done. Buying new clothes.
What?
That is the first sign. They dress up for the new admirer.
My wife doesn't have admirers.
I thought that, too,
but it turned out to be some guy who came round to fix the boiler.
The boiler?
They used to meet up when I was at the mosque.
She used to tell me she'd be making jalebis.
Oh, my God.
And I got him to pick her up.
Are you all right, Mr Khan? I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
You look a bit pale. So do you.
Shall I start recording?
No. I've just got to pop home for a minute.
But we're ready to go.
Yes, but I think I've left the back door open,
and the bath running,
and the gas on. What about the film?
You're halal. You can do it!
Hello. It's me! Mr Khan!
Mrs Khan's husband!
Papaji, I thought you were making your film.
Never mind that. Have you seen your mother?
Yeah. Is she...alone?
No. Hai!
And you're not supposed to be here. I know.
She doesn't want you around.
Oh, God. It's all my fault.
What is?
If only I'd been more like Sajid.
If only I told her how I feel about her.
We should have communicated more. I should have listened.
Why didn't I listen?!
But, Papaji... Not now, beti.
I've got to face up to this.
She said she definitely didn't want anyone going in there.
OK, that's it!
Tell me I'm not too late!
I love you, my darling.
Don't make your jalebis with another.
Let me be your little gulab jamun!
Mr Khan!
Mrs Malik! Dad!
What are you doing?
I could ask you the same question.
We're doing makeovers. Hmm?
Shazia's doing makeovers on us.
Oh, thank God.
What did you think? Nothing. Nothing at all.
So what are you doing back here?
I just came back to do some...
communicating.
What? What's the matter with you?
Why don't we talk about your feelings? Have you got any?
What?
And compliments, too.
All you ladies...
You don't need makeovers.
You look very nice as you are.
Thank you.
I wasn't talking to you.
So...
it's all completely innocent.
Very nice.
I don't know what I was worried about.
Right, so now you can go.
Yes. Fine. I'm going.
I just need to get some...talcum powder first.
You can't go upstairs.
Oh, God.
I knew it!
No! Wait! What are you doing?
Where is he? He must be here somewhere!
Have you gone mad? What are you talking about?!
I know about Sajid.
Sajid? Boiler man Sajid?
Don't play games with me.
THUD
In our bedroom, of all places!
You can't go in there.
Too late!
WOMAN SHRIEKS
SHRIEKS
That wasn't Sajid!
Of course not.
What the hell was it?!
That was Mrs Younis.
And who?
No, that was all her.
She's trying out support pants.
So no Sajid?
What's Sajid got to do with this?
I thought...he was...
They said at the mosque about the cougars and fixing the boiler
and making jalebis.
Of course there's no-one else here.
You silly man.
COUGHS
I swear I don't know who that is.
I do!
Right. I knew it. I knew it.
Come on out of there and fight like a man!
What are you doing? Stop it!
Come on, you coward!
SHRIEKS
Dad, what's going on? Cover your ears.
This is grown-up things.
What? Shazia, he said it's grown-up things.
Mum?
Your father's gone mad.
Brilliant.
Sometimes, beti, even when two people are married,
they might do silly things with other people.
But you mustn't just blame your mother.
I, too, must take some responsibility.
But it's mostly her.
What is? What is he talking about?
There is no easy way of saying this, Shazia.
Your mother...has...
betrayed me!
What? With who?
With a wardrobe?
Not with a wardrobe!
With who's in the wardrobe!
Who is it? Ask your mother.
I don't know.
It's Sajid! Sajid?
Yes, Sajid!
Sajid's in the wardrobe?
That's right. Sajid!
Sajid? Sajid!
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
I said I'd pop back and check on the boiler. Is this a bad time?
But...
if you...
...then who's in...?
BANGING Yoo-hoo!
You found me.
Mr Khan... I think you squashed my jalebis.
Well?!
You must have some explanation.
What was I supposed to think?
You had makeover and new hairdo and new outfit.
Who's that for, eh?
Us. It was for us.
Eh?
I wanted to have a special evening.
It was meant to be a surprise.
But it's not my birthday. I know.
And it's not your birthday. I know.
Oh, God. It's not our anniversary, is it?
No.
It's just...
don't you realise that it's exactly 30 years
since I first set eyes on you?
Is it?
Haan.
It was on the bus that time, remember?
I was on my way back to my father's village.
Of course.
It was packed.
Standing room only.
And I let you sit in my place.
And the road was full of holes,
and then we went over a really big bump
and you fell right on top of me.
But it wasn't that bad sitting on the roof, though, was it?
No. It was fun.
Until you fell off halfway to Gujranwala.
We were so young.
You were the prettiest thing I'd ever seen.
And I wanted to try and look a little bit like I did all those years ago.
But you do.
Whenever I look at you,
all I see
is that beautiful young girl from the bus.
You're such a smoothie.
I am now.