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Welcome to Sparkhill,
Birmingham,

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the capital of British Pakistan.

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Community leader.

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They all know me...
You like my suit?

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Number one - Citizen Khan.

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Merry Christmas, neighbour.

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What do you think?

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Why does everyone cover
their bloomin' houses in lights

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every Christmas? You people
not heard of global warming?

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Oh, careful, Mr Khan,
sounds a bit bah-humbug.

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Good.
Now, bah-humbugger off!

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Hang on, is that my ladder?

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Mrs Khan said it'd be OK.

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Bloomin' cheek. My ladder.

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Well, maybe if you're a good boy,
Father Christmas will
bring you one of your own.

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What was that?

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Whoa!

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Aaargh!

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Oi!

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Not working!
It's a problem with the dish.

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SPEAKS URDU
...lazy bugger!

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Shazia, why do you let her
sit in my chair?

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You know she leaves hairs
all over it.

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She's highlighting all the telly
she wants to watch over
Christmas.

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Why don't we ever do
Christmas properly, Dad?

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Because we're Pakistani.

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Bing Crosby isn't dreaming
of a brown Christmas, is he?

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Couldn't we at least put up
some tinsel? It's Christmas Eve.

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Other people have real trees and
they have lights on their houses

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and wreaths on their doors,
like Matt and Debbie.

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Oh, not Matt and Debbaay!

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No-one likes all that stuff.

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They only do it because
they have to.

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We're Muslim, we've got excuse.

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You just don't want to spend
any money.

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That's not true, I'm very generous.

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Look. What's that?

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It's for the mosque charity
collection.

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Biggest donor gets named in the
newsletter as Muslim of the Month.
Good, eh?

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But these are all MY things.

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Which you have generously donated.

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These are my shoes.
They're brand new.

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It's for charity, Shazia.

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Which charity? That's not important.

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The important thing is,
we give them a really big box of
stuff and I win.

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Well, shouldn't we be giving away
old things we don't want any more?

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Don't tempt me.

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Papaji, you can take these.

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Thank you, Alia.
Hopefully

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they can help someone who
can't afford to buy make-up.

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Such a good girl!

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Can I have some money to go out?

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Yes, of course.

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Now, come on, help me find
some other stuff to give away.

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No! Not my signed photo
of Miss Clare Balding!

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Vah! What a woman!

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Why do you like her so much?

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We Pakistanis love her.

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She loves her sport,
she's very healthy

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and she's friends with Mo Farah.

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Now, I'm going to give Miss Balding
her pride of place.

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Just move you out of the way.

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Mum doesn't like people
moving her things, Papaji.

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She won't know, beti.
Who's going to tell her - him?

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ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS

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Oh, God! Agh!

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Shush!

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SHE LAUGHS

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SPEAKS URDU
...idiot!

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SPEAKS URDU
...get out of my bloody chair!

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SPEAKS URDU
...fix bloody telly?

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I'm doing it.

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You see, Shazia, that's all
we need for our Christmas.

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Two weeks in front of the telly
with a plate of chicken biryani.

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How much more Christmas can you get?

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Please, Dad.
What about a bit of tinsel?

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Chup! How many times? We're not
doing Christmas and that's final!
Baas!

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Your father has spoken.

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We're doing Christmas!

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What? That was Auntie Fatma.

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They're all coming over, so
I've decided we're doing Christmas!

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Exciting, isn't it?

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But, sweetie...

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For one day, my whole family
will be together in one place.

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So I want to do a traditional
Christmas before it's too late.

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What are you talking about?

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Think about it. Shazia's always
wanted us to do Christmas.

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This will be our last chance before
she marries Amjad and leaves us.

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And soon Alia will be off
to university.

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And what about my mother?
She won't be here for ever.

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I wouldn't bet on it.

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It's now or never.

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Mum's right. We should all do
Christmas together.

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Why, thank you, Alia.

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So, can I go out? No!

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Right, now, we just need
a few things. A Christmas tree,

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some decorations, a turkey...

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And some crackers! And some mince
pies. And some Christmas lights!

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It's too late. It's Christmas Eve!

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Come on, where's your Christmas
spirit? Don't you remember

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the first Christmas
we had in this country?

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Remember how cold it felt
after Pakistan? Yes.

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We spent the whole day
huddled in front of that
single-bar heater

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in the flat in Ladywood.

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Yes. We were so close to it,
we both singed our moustaches.

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Oi!

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So can we do Christmas then?

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No! Yes! Yay!

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Right, I'll get the food and you get
the tree and all the decorations.

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But I've got to get my charity
donations to the mosque.

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Oh, yes, and don't forget to fix
the satellite dish for Naani.

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Oh, God!

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Come on!

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SWITCHES ON RADIO

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# Well, I wish it could be Christmas
every day... #

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I don't!

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Oh!

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# Last Christmas, I gave you my
heart... #

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No, thank you!

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...BBC Asian Network. Ah!

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# It's Christma-a-a-as...! #

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Shut up!

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Come on!

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Honestly!

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Merry Christmas.

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Ah! Salaam aleikum,
Merry Christmas...

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Salaam aleikum, Merry
Christmas.

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Ah, Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

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It's me. Oh. Hello, Dave.

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What the hell is going on?

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The local church
is using the community centre
for their Christmas Fayre.

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And what's next? Kumbaya
instead of the call to prayer?

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We can still celebrate Christmas.
After all, Jesus is
a Muslim prophet too.

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Yes, but he's not the best one.

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I think it's a great opportunity to
bring the whole community together.

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And what about my charity donations?

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Aha, what have we here?

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Oi! Hands off, Dibley.

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This is Reverend Green, Mr Khan.
The charity donations
are all for him.

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No bloody way!

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It's all right, you still get to be
Muslim of the Month.

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Oh, right. Well, in that case,
please accept my generous
donation...

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your holiness. Thank you.

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So, what you going to do with them?
Well, we'll sort through it all,

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put some stuff with the bric-a-brac.

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Anything really good will be
wrapped for Santa's grotto.

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No need to sort it.
This is all top quality.

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You want to stick it
straight up your grotto.

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It's very generous of you.

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You're welcome, Revy.

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You know, charity is one
of the Five Pillars of Islam.

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You can convert if you want.
We'll take anyone.

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Look at Dave.

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Thank you,
but I could never abandon my flock.

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You've got a flock?
Yes, I am their shepherd.

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And I've grown very close
to some of them over the years.

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Crikey!
And I thought we had problems.

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What do you think, Mum?

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Hm? For Amjad?

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We said we weren't going to
buy each other presents,

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because we're saving up for
the deposit on the flat,
but I couldn't resist it.

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It's very nice.

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It's hard though, isn't it,
choosing presents?

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It's got to be what they want,

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but without them realising
it's what they want.

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Ah, like the time I got your father
a new razor for his back hair.

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Exactly!

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What's the best present
you've ever had?

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A Dancing Arab. A what?

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A Dancing Arab.

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It's just a little thing. It's on
the sideboard in the living room.

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That? But that's...

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I know. Cheap and nasty.

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But, you see, beti,
when I was a little girl,

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my father always favoured
your Auntie Fatma.

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Then, one year, he gave me
a present. The Dancing Arab.

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He said he'd seen it in the bazaar
and he thought I'd like it.

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I've always kept it because it
meant that my Papaji loved me.

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I hope Amjad's got me
something nice.

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I thought you said you weren't
getting each other presents.

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I know,
but he knows I didn't mean it.

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How's the turkey?

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Fine. I got the last one
in the whole supermarket!

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It's huge! Do you know how long to
cook it for?

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Of course. It's just a big chicken.

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Is it Halal?

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Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

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It's OK, it's fine. It says it here.

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Oh, praise be to ASDA!

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Enjoying the Fayre, Mr Khan?

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Not really. Have you seen
the price of this stuff?

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As far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is just an excuse
to get money out of people.

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I do wish you'd enter into the
spirit of it, Mr Khan.

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You might find that Christmas
can be a very enjoyable and
uplifting experience.

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Really?

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You know, I might take you more
seriously if you weren't dressed
as...

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What are you dressed as?

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Can't you guess?
It's a Christmas Fayre.

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A gingerbread man?

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No.
Because you're a ginger.

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I'll give you a clue -
I've got a very shiny nose.

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Sir Alex Ferguson?

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I'm Rudolph.

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The red-nosed reindeer?

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Seriously, Dave, where's your pride?

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Where's your dignity?

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I've never seen anyone looking
so ridiculous in all my life.

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Maybe I have.

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Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Salaam aleikum.

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Waleikum assalam.
What are you doing here?

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We're here to help out.
I like the Christmas.

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In Somalia, everybody celebrates
Christmas Day. We have a big party.

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It goes on all night long and
everybody sings and dances

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and fires their guns in the air.

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00:11:07,203 --> 00:11:09,843
What, and then you have
a big lie-in on Boxing Day?

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00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:12,363
No, Boxing Day is very sad time

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when we bury those killed
by the falling bullets.

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You two should be ashamed of
yourselves - dressed like that!

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We're representing our community
here. It's not bloody pantomime!

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BOTH: Sorry.

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Where's Amjad?
BOTH: He's behind you.

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Hello, sir.

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Hello, Amjad.

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You see? No silly costumes.

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I'm the Christmas fairy.

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Oh, God!

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Are you doing some last-minute
present shopping?

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No, Shazia and me agreed we weren't
going to get each other presents.

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Right. But you got her one anyway.

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00:11:44,923 --> 00:11:47,643
No. She told me not to.

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I'm not sure she really means
that, Amjad.

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00:11:50,363 --> 00:11:51,723
What?

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The women say that, but it is a
test to see if you really love them.

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But I do really love her.

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Oh, no!

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How are we all getting on?

237
00:12:04,843 --> 00:12:06,963
We're getting ripped off,
that's how we're getting on.

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00:12:06,963 --> 00:12:09,003
This stuff costs a bloody fortune!

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00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:10,363
But it's all for a good cause.

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00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:14,483
So, tell me, your Fathership,
how much discount do you get?

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00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:16,003
I'm not sure I know what you mean.

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Come on, Viccy, it's the church
Christmas Fayre.

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You must get trade price.

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Don't tell me you pay retail!
Really, Mr Khan...

245
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:27,683
Supposing someone wants
to get some tinsel,

246
00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:31,283
some crackers, some shiny
little balls, maybe a tree....

247
00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:33,763
We haven't got any trees.
You must do.

248
00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:36,003
Sorry.
But you have left it a bit late.

249
00:12:36,003 --> 00:12:38,683
You should have got your tree early,
Mr Khan. That's what I always do.

250
00:12:38,683 --> 00:12:43,523
You know what, Dave?
This is the worst Christmas Fayre
this mosque has ever had!

251
00:12:45,803 --> 00:12:48,003
MUTTERS UNDER BREATH

252
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,803
Ah!

253
00:12:51,803 --> 00:12:52,843
Right.

254
00:12:52,843 --> 00:12:55,843
Oh, Merry Christmas, mate!
Salaam aleikum.

255
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,403
How can I help you?

256
00:12:57,403 --> 00:12:58,563
I'm looking for Christmas tree.

257
00:12:58,563 --> 00:13:00,523
Ah, it's your lucky day,
I've got one left.

258
00:13:00,523 --> 00:13:01,963
How much? 50 quid.

259
00:13:01,963 --> 00:13:04,803
£50? Is it a famous tree?

260
00:13:04,803 --> 00:13:06,323
I don't think so.

261
00:13:06,323 --> 00:13:09,083
I don't want the actual tree
Baby Jesus was born in.

262
00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:11,283
I want the ordinary one.

263
00:13:11,283 --> 00:13:13,243
That's all I've got, mate.
Look, we do wrap it up

264
00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:15,003
and deliver it to your car for you.

265
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:17,363
For £50 I expect you
to bring it home,

266
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:19,963
put it up and stick
a bloody fairy on top.

267
00:13:19,963 --> 00:13:21,483
That's just how much it costs.

268
00:13:21,483 --> 00:13:23,123
Can't you do a deal for Muslims?

269
00:13:23,123 --> 00:13:26,083
We don't believe in Christmas,
it should be cheaper for us.

270
00:13:26,083 --> 00:13:27,963
Hey, what are you doing?

271
00:13:27,963 --> 00:13:30,083
I'm getting a Christmas tree.
That's mine.

272
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:33,283
You haven't bought it, have you?
Well, I was going to. It's too late.

273
00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:35,243
Aah! Ohh!

274
00:13:35,243 --> 00:13:36,683
But he hasn't got any others.

275
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,283
Why don't you try somewhere else?

276
00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:42,363
I suppose. But my daughter
will be very disappointed.

277
00:13:45,123 --> 00:13:46,563
It's her first Christmas, you see.

278
00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:50,043
And I promised I'd bring back
a proper tree.

279
00:13:50,043 --> 00:13:52,083
And she may not get another one.

280
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:56,323
I find it hard to manage alone.

281
00:13:56,323 --> 00:13:59,243
I mean, her mother's around,
but she doesn't help much.

282
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:02,323
And after the accident...

283
00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:06,443
Fair enough, mate.

284
00:14:06,443 --> 00:14:07,483
Thank you.

285
00:14:07,483 --> 00:14:08,723
Thank you.

286
00:14:10,603 --> 00:14:11,683
Come on, come on.

287
00:14:11,683 --> 00:14:13,003
Come on!

288
00:14:16,803 --> 00:14:18,403
RADIO PLAYS

289
00:14:18,403 --> 00:14:22,323
MUSIC: "Wonderful Christmas Time"
by Paul McCartney and Wings

290
00:14:26,403 --> 00:14:28,643
# The moon is right

291
00:14:28,643 --> 00:14:31,403
# The spirit's up

292
00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:34,363
# We're here tonight

293
00:14:34,363 --> 00:14:36,363
# And that's enough

294
00:14:36,363 --> 00:14:40,403
# Simply having a wonderful
Christmas time

295
00:14:41,523 --> 00:14:46,123
# Simply having a wonderful
Christmas time

296
00:14:47,323 --> 00:14:48,603
# The party's on

297
00:14:49,643 --> 00:14:51,363
# The feeling's here

298
00:14:52,363 --> 00:14:53,723
# That only comes

299
00:14:53,723 --> 00:14:56,003
# This time of year

300
00:14:56,003 --> 00:15:01,443
# Simply having a wonderful
Christmas time

301
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:07,083
# Simply having a wonderful
Christmas time

302
00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:08,763
# Oh-oh... #

303
00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:12,003
We're having such a great time
cooking Christmas dinner.

304
00:15:12,003 --> 00:15:14,163
Alia, why don't you come and help?
OK!

305
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,643
Or I could just go out.
You can't go out.

306
00:15:18,163 --> 00:15:19,843
I don't even have my own life.

307
00:15:19,843 --> 00:15:23,603
SPEAKS URDU: ...Call The Midwife!

308
00:15:24,963 --> 00:15:26,683
Mr Khan will be back soon, Ummi.

309
00:15:26,683 --> 00:15:29,563
I can't wait for Dad to get back
with all the decorations.

310
00:15:29,563 --> 00:15:31,603
And the tree. I know.

311
00:15:31,603 --> 00:15:33,843
It's going to be so wonderful,
our first Christmas.

312
00:15:33,843 --> 00:15:37,443
And my whole family will be
here to share it...

313
00:15:37,443 --> 00:15:40,043
even my Papaji, in a way.

314
00:15:41,763 --> 00:15:43,283
Where is it? Kya?

315
00:15:43,283 --> 00:15:45,203
My Dancing Arab. Where is it?

316
00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:46,443
Is it important?

317
00:15:46,443 --> 00:15:50,123
It's the one thing from my childhood
that proves my
father really loved me.

318
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,483
So...?

319
00:15:52,563 --> 00:15:53,643
Everybody look for it!

320
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:57,243
Come on!

321
00:15:57,243 --> 00:16:00,003
Oh, wait. I think Dad took it. What?

322
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:02,643
He was making space
for Clare Balding.

323
00:16:02,643 --> 00:16:04,203
Ohh!

324
00:16:05,523 --> 00:16:08,443
PHONE: # Bismillah, no
We will not let you go... #

325
00:16:08,443 --> 00:16:09,843
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

326
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:12,043
Oh, hello, sweetie darling.

327
00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:15,523
Yes, I've got the tree
and I'm on my way home.

328
00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:18,523
What thing?

329
00:16:18,523 --> 00:16:22,403
Sweetie, calm down, I don't know
what you're talking about.

330
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,523
What, that stupid Arab thing?

331
00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:31,763
That's what I said, that stupid Arab
important family heirloom thing.

332
00:16:31,763 --> 00:16:34,283
Yes, of course I've got it!

333
00:16:34,283 --> 00:16:38,323
Yes, I know how important it is to
you. Why would I lose it?

334
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:40,283
OK, bye, sweetie.

335
00:16:40,283 --> 00:16:41,323
Oh, twaddi!

336
00:16:54,283 --> 00:16:56,283
Oi! Ah!

337
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,403
It's a Christmas miracle!

338
00:17:00,483 --> 00:17:01,563
Oh, God!

339
00:17:09,723 --> 00:17:12,523
Er, excuse me, there's a queue.
What are you doing?

340
00:17:12,523 --> 00:17:14,763
To the back, we've been here
for ages. All right!

341
00:17:14,763 --> 00:17:16,963
We've spent ages waiting.

342
00:17:16,963 --> 00:17:18,403
MR KHAN MUMBLES

343
00:17:46,883 --> 00:17:49,243
Where is it, where is it? Mr Khan?

344
00:17:49,243 --> 00:17:50,403
Hai!

345
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:53,003
Salaam aleikum
and a Merry Christmas.

346
00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:54,763
I was just making sure
you had a full sack.

347
00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:57,083
Oh, no worries there.

348
00:17:57,083 --> 00:18:00,763
I'd better get suited up
and start giving this lot out.

349
00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:02,603
No, you can't do that!

350
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,283
Well, I am Santa.

351
00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:07,203
Yes. I know. But,
er...why don't you let me do it?

352
00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:08,523
I thought you didn't do Christmas?

353
00:18:08,523 --> 00:18:10,243
I know, but I was thinking,

354
00:18:10,243 --> 00:18:13,323
we Muslims should get more involved
in this whole Christmassy thing.

355
00:18:13,323 --> 00:18:16,043
It's so much fun, isn't it?
Well, yes...

356
00:18:16,043 --> 00:18:18,363
Deer old Rudolf, piggy pudding

357
00:18:18,363 --> 00:18:21,443
and the Cliff Richard
Christmas Carol Vordermans.

358
00:18:21,443 --> 00:18:22,683
Yes, but the thing is...

359
00:18:22,683 --> 00:18:25,163
And imagine how great it would be
for community relations

360
00:18:25,163 --> 00:18:27,083
for you to have a brown Santa, hm?

361
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:28,843
But I do it every year.

362
00:18:28,843 --> 00:18:30,243
Are you saying you can't
have a brown Santa?

363
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,683
No, of course not, no.

364
00:18:31,683 --> 00:18:34,323
Santa should be Pakistani -
he's got big bushy beard,

365
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:38,243
he flies halfway round the world
to get here and he works
on Christmas Day.

366
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,403
I suppose I could nip out for
a cup of tea and a mince pie.

367
00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:45,723
Off you go, then.
I'll take it from here.

368
00:18:54,643 --> 00:18:56,243
Why do they wrap them up?

369
00:18:57,443 --> 00:18:59,763
Santa, you have to help me!

370
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:02,203
I need to get a present for my
fiancee.

371
00:19:02,203 --> 00:19:04,643
She said we weren't doing presents,

372
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:07,083
so I thought she didn't want me
to get one.

373
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:09,883
But it turns out she meant
she did want me to get one.

374
00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,003
So I have to get one!

375
00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:12,683
Ho-ho-ho!

376
00:19:12,683 --> 00:19:15,363
It's not funny!

377
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:19,043
Amjad! It's me! Mr Khan.

378
00:19:21,323 --> 00:19:22,603
You're Father Christmas?

379
00:19:23,843 --> 00:19:25,323
But if...?

380
00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:26,723
Then how...?

381
00:19:26,723 --> 00:19:27,963
When?

382
00:19:27,963 --> 00:19:30,003
Right, I haven't got time for this.

383
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:33,763
But, sir, I need to get a present
for Shazia. I've looked everywhere.

384
00:19:33,763 --> 00:19:35,603
You see, this is what happens

385
00:19:35,603 --> 00:19:38,723
when we Pakistanis get involved
with other people's traditions.

386
00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:40,803
I bet you don't find other men
running around

387
00:19:40,803 --> 00:19:43,243
looking for last-minute Christmas
presents for their fiancees!

388
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,243
What am I going to do?

389
00:19:46,243 --> 00:19:48,003
I'm like the worst fiance
in the world.

390
00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:53,123
Here.

391
00:19:53,123 --> 00:19:55,203
Thanks, Mr Khan Santa!

392
00:19:55,203 --> 00:19:56,323
You're welcome.

393
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:01,843
Oh, twaddi!

394
00:20:01,843 --> 00:20:04,163
Hello, Father Christmas.
This is Bradley.

395
00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:05,323
Oh, God!

396
00:20:05,323 --> 00:20:06,843
Sit down.

397
00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:10,243
What do I do?

398
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,643
You give him a present.

399
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:12,923
Oh, twaddi!

400
00:20:14,763 --> 00:20:17,883
Salaam aleikum. There you go.
Merry Christmas.

401
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,723
Can't I choose my present?

402
00:20:19,723 --> 00:20:23,203
No! It's Santa's Grotto,
it's not flipping Argos!

403
00:20:24,203 --> 00:20:25,843
But how do you know I'll like it?

404
00:20:25,843 --> 00:20:28,843
It's a foot spa. You'll love it.
Now come on, off you go.

405
00:20:28,843 --> 00:20:32,083
I'll have it. You're not really
Father Christmas!

406
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:33,483
Well done, Sherlock.

407
00:20:34,683 --> 00:20:37,203
Hey, what do you think you're doing?

408
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:40,323
Cool. No! You can't have that.
Put it back!

409
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,403
No way!

410
00:20:41,403 --> 00:20:43,963
I'll swap you the whole sack for it.
No.

411
00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:45,003
Give it here!

412
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:46,643
Bradley! What's going on in there?

413
00:20:46,643 --> 00:20:48,563
Santa's stealing my present!

414
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:54,003
You! Now, look...

415
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,603
First the Christmas tree, now...

416
00:20:55,603 --> 00:20:59,283
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

417
00:21:01,363 --> 00:21:02,963
SHOUTING AND ARGUING

418
00:21:06,443 --> 00:21:08,843
SHOUTING

419
00:21:08,843 --> 00:21:10,603
Get off me. Get off me!

420
00:21:11,643 --> 00:21:15,803
SHOUTING CONTINUES

421
00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:23,963
Oh, God!

422
00:21:26,163 --> 00:21:27,403
WOMAN: Oi!

423
00:21:27,403 --> 00:21:29,083
Oh, fiddlesticks!

424
00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:32,403
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

425
00:21:32,403 --> 00:21:35,483
Where are you?
They'll be here any minute.

426
00:21:35,483 --> 00:21:39,363
'Sweetie, I had a bit of trouble
with the car, but I'm on my way.'

427
00:21:39,363 --> 00:21:41,883
What trouble?
How are you getting here?

428
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:45,083
I found alternative transportation.

429
00:21:48,403 --> 00:21:51,963
Oh, God, what are you doing?
Not through the Muslim area!

430
00:21:51,963 --> 00:21:54,243
Salaam aleikum!

431
00:21:57,243 --> 00:21:59,483
There's one there.
Where are you going?

432
00:21:59,483 --> 00:22:01,683
Not through there!

433
00:22:02,443 --> 00:22:04,323
HE GROANS

434
00:22:05,763 --> 00:22:07,443
Oh, twaddi! Please, no!

435
00:22:10,723 --> 00:22:11,763
Merry Christmas!

436
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:14,683
Come on, Amjad.

437
00:22:14,683 --> 00:22:17,283
I don't think I like Christmas any
more.

438
00:22:21,643 --> 00:22:25,643
So kind of you to invite me
to your...family Christmas.

439
00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:29,843
Well, once Amjad and Shazia are
married, you will be part
of our family.

440
00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:32,723
How nice.

441
00:22:32,723 --> 00:22:36,323
And thank you so much for
the presents.

442
00:22:36,323 --> 00:22:39,723
Oh, please, it was nothing.

443
00:22:39,723 --> 00:22:43,123
And of course I knew
you wouldn't be buying any.

444
00:22:44,683 --> 00:22:45,723
WHISPERS: Mum.

445
00:22:47,563 --> 00:22:52,323
I don't think the turkey's cooked.
It looks dead pasty.

446
00:22:52,323 --> 00:22:55,603
OK, turn it up to max.
Give it all we've got!

447
00:22:57,083 --> 00:22:58,563
I'm really tired, sir.

448
00:22:58,563 --> 00:23:00,603
Amjad, shut up.

449
00:23:00,603 --> 00:23:03,003
I'm the one doing the work now!

450
00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:05,963
CHILDREN SHOUT

451
00:23:05,963 --> 00:23:07,283
Ohhh!

452
00:23:08,643 --> 00:23:11,123
The kids are getting closer, sir!

453
00:23:13,243 --> 00:23:15,083
Aghhh!

454
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:19,483
Oh, it's going to be wonderful,
a perfect Christmas!

455
00:23:19,483 --> 00:23:22,803
And when the tree's up and
all the decorations are up,

456
00:23:22,803 --> 00:23:25,603
it's going to be lovely,
lovely, lovely!

457
00:23:25,603 --> 00:23:27,363
DOORBELL RINGS

458
00:23:31,683 --> 00:23:33,683
Ho-ho-ho!

459
00:23:35,603 --> 00:23:37,523
Hello, sweetie.

460
00:23:39,203 --> 00:23:41,003
I got your thing.

461
00:23:41,003 --> 00:23:42,163
What happened?

462
00:23:42,163 --> 00:23:44,683
The kids caught up with us
on the Stratford Road.

463
00:23:44,683 --> 00:23:46,923
They took everything.
It was horrible.

464
00:23:46,923 --> 00:23:49,843
So...the tinsel?

465
00:23:51,043 --> 00:23:52,363
The decorations?

466
00:23:53,483 --> 00:23:54,843
The crackers?

467
00:23:56,123 --> 00:23:57,363
What about the tree?

468
00:24:03,883 --> 00:24:06,323
You've ruined everything!

469
00:24:06,323 --> 00:24:08,763
I got your stupid thing back.

470
00:24:08,763 --> 00:24:11,523
And I've got you a tree.
What more can I do?

471
00:24:12,563 --> 00:24:16,563
SPEAKS URDU: ...or fix bloody telly!

472
00:24:19,203 --> 00:24:22,283
Oh, Christmas! Merry Christmas!

473
00:24:37,203 --> 00:24:38,483
This is nice.

474
00:24:40,323 --> 00:24:44,283
Interesting choice, having
a pigeon instead of a turkey.

475
00:24:46,483 --> 00:24:48,763
I wanted this all to be so nice.

476
00:24:49,963 --> 00:24:51,083
And now it's ruined.

477
00:24:52,123 --> 00:24:55,043
Come on, Mum. At least you'll get to
see your sister.

478
00:24:55,043 --> 00:24:59,083
Oh, I forgot to say, Auntie Fatma
called. She's not coming.

479
00:24:59,083 --> 00:25:01,923
But we've still got the tree,
and the presents,

480
00:25:01,923 --> 00:25:07,523
and Dad's fixing the telly for
Naani and you've got Grandad back
safe and sound.

481
00:25:08,843 --> 00:25:10,443
MR KHAN: Oh, God!

482
00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:12,283
CAT MIAOWS
Oh! Ohh! Ohh!

483
00:25:12,283 --> 00:25:13,563
Oh, twaddi!

484
00:25:13,563 --> 00:25:14,523
Help! Help!

485
00:25:14,523 --> 00:25:16,203
Help!

486
00:25:16,203 --> 00:25:17,683
CLATTERING

487
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,803
Agh!

488
00:25:19,883 --> 00:25:21,363
Oh, my God!

489
00:25:39,843 --> 00:25:42,203
We might not be able
to get Channel 5.

490
00:25:45,083 --> 00:25:46,883
You idiot! What have you done?

491
00:25:46,883 --> 00:25:50,123
It's not my bloody fault!

492
00:25:50,123 --> 00:25:53,123
This is the problem with Christmas,
it never goes right!

493
00:25:53,123 --> 00:25:56,603
I tried telling you all,
but did anyone listen to me?

494
00:25:56,603 --> 00:25:57,803
Oh, no!

495
00:25:59,203 --> 00:26:01,243
Maybe you're right.

496
00:26:01,243 --> 00:26:03,363
What was I thinking?

497
00:26:03,363 --> 00:26:05,563
Christmas isn't for us.

498
00:26:05,563 --> 00:26:07,243
I should never even have tried.

499
00:26:08,323 --> 00:26:09,843
Come on, get up.

500
00:26:09,843 --> 00:26:13,563
Everybody out. Come on,
up, up, up. What are you doing?

501
00:26:13,563 --> 00:26:15,123
Come on. Where are we going?

502
00:26:15,123 --> 00:26:17,403
Up, everyone.
Come on, up, up. And you, come on.

503
00:26:19,203 --> 00:26:21,043
Come on. Bloody Christmas!

504
00:26:21,043 --> 00:26:24,243
Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas. Come on.

505
00:26:24,243 --> 00:26:26,523
Come on, come on, come on.

506
00:26:27,683 --> 00:26:29,283
What's going on?

507
00:26:29,283 --> 00:26:31,283
Chup!

508
00:26:31,283 --> 00:26:32,883
Merry Christmas!

509
00:26:34,203 --> 00:26:37,763
# Silent night

510
00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:41,083
# Holy night

511
00:26:41,083 --> 00:26:42,803
# All is calm... #

512
00:26:42,803 --> 00:26:44,643
All right, boys?

513
00:26:44,643 --> 00:26:48,763
# All is bright

514
00:26:48,763 --> 00:26:52,723
# Round yon Virgin

515
00:26:52,723 --> 00:26:56,403
# Mother and child

516
00:26:56,403 --> 00:27:02,923
# Holy infant so tender and mild

517
00:27:02,923 --> 00:27:09,683
# Sleep in heavenly peace... #

518
00:27:09,683 --> 00:27:11,323
Merry Christmas, everyone!

519
00:27:11,323 --> 00:27:16,283
# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

520
00:27:17,843 --> 00:27:18,963
Oi!

521
00:27:18,963 --> 00:27:20,643
They're my lights!