Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
They all know me.
You like my suit?
Number one, Citizen Khan.
Salaam aleikum, Britain. Mr Khan speaking.
Now, if we have learned one thing over the past year,
it's that we need to live together as one community
and look out for our neighbours.
Especially the dodgy ones.
So I have a very special new drone camera
so I can keep an eye on the whole of Sparkhill.
I call it NWA -
Neighbourhood Watch Asian-style.
HE HACKS
There's Mrs Latif hanging out her dirty washing.
Blimey!
Let's move on, shall we?
What the bloomin' heck are they doing?
When will these weird people realise
that we're not fancy-schmancy European any more?
Huh!
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Or should I say, Allah, Allah, Allah?
What to we have here then, huh?
Hey, make a note of that one, WPC Nadia.
He probably got them off the back of a lorry.
Did you hear that, DI Mo?
Look at him.
We're trying to be real-life crime-fighters
and he looks more like Baa Baa Brown Sheep.
MR KHAN HACKS MO HACKS
I blame the father.
Oh, twaddi.
Yeah? Excuse me, mister, could I please have my drone back?
What about my window?
Ah!
Wait here.
Ha-ha! Just clear off, pal,
and I don't want to see that thing round here again, all right?
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Aren't you forgetting something?
My flag.
Thank you.
Mrs Latif texted to say there's been another UFO over Sparkhill.
Chillax, sweetie.
Everyone will just think it's the government spying on Muslims again.
You shouldn't be spying on them.
Someone's got to keep an eye.
This neighbourhood's going really downhill.
I blame the immigrants.
Nigel Faraji was right.
We Pakistanis have got to get our country back.
You can't just blame the immigrants.
I don't just blame the immigrants, sweetie.
I blame the parents, too.
Families need to be more close knit, like Pakistani ones.
My cousin Waseem is married to my other cousin Waheeda.
You can't get closer than that.
It's all about good parenting, uh?
Salaam aleikum, Papaji.
Waleikum assalam, beti.
Look at her.
Whiter than white...
even though she's brown.
Papaji, I'm off out.
Could I have some money? Of course.
Where are you going? Mosque.
They got a charity whatsit on.
Oh, another one? Oh, such a good girl.
THEY SPEAK URDU
Who's using my printer?
Oh, Shazia and Amjad are printing out their holiday booking.
I see. Wait a minute.
This says two children and four adults.
And?
Oh, my God! What?
You were right. Pakistanis ARE close-knit.
Yes?
Maybe it's a surprise. Maybe we're not supposed to know. Know what?
Exactly.
This time tomorrow we'll be in Tenerife. It's going to be great.
Just you and me, the kids, Matt and Debbie.
Have we changed their names?
I preferred Mo and Nadia.
No, budhoo, they're the names of our friends, Matt and Debbie. Oh.
"Debbie Does Doncaster" Debbie?
What?
That's what Alia calls her.
Hello, Amjad. Sorry for using your printer, sir. Completely fine.
Really? Yes.
That'll be 50p.
Thank you.
Have you had tea? Yes, thank you, sir.
£1.00.
Thank you.
And no charge for baby-sitting today.
WPC Nadiya has earned her keep.
Which reminds me, Officer Dibble,
on here, you'll find video evidence of an illegal racket
involving stolen TVs, an illegal extension at number 34,
and that funny bloke at number 28 has had his extension out too.
Thank you, sir. Any questions, just ask.
OK. How do you spell "racket"?
Tenerife, here we come! It's going to be great, Mo.
There's a pool, a sandy beach...
Is there a children's grazing area?
Don't pick on him, Dad. He gets enough of that at nursery.
Why? What's going on? Mo's being bullied by some other boy.
Have you spoken to the boy's father? Yes. And?
He bullied me.
Typical! It sounds like you need a lesson in good parenting, Amjad.
Amjad doesn't need parenting lessons from you.
If I remember, you spent most of my childhood too busy to do anything,
because you were watching the cricket.
Rubbish! Amjad's a great dad.
He's taking Mo for his swimming lesson today,
getting him ready for the holiday.
Actually, ladoo, I don't really want to go. The bullies might be there.
Amjad, you have to stand up to bullies.
They're just cowards on the inside that need a firm hand.
I don't think my hand's very firm, sir.
Right, I'll sort this, come on.
Me and you are going to take Mo swimming. You? Can you even swim?
Of course I can swim! I'm a natural. I was taught the traditional way.
In my day, you were just thrown into the water. Who threw you in?
Mrs Khan's father.
Into the Jhelum River,
any time I came within 500 metres of their house.
You see, one thing being part of NWA has taught me,
is that it's a jungle out there.
Little Mo doesn't stand a chance if he doesn't see his father
standing up to bullies.
But, sir, I don't like violence.
It's not about violence. Violence never solved anything.
I'm talking about non-violent resistance,
like Martin Luther Vandross.
I don't understand, sir. It's about keeping a cool head,
rising above it, letting it go in one ear and out the other.
You should be good at that.
How do you mean? Right, I'll show you. Hang on.
Bully me. Bully you, sir? Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me.
Call me a few names. I don't think I can, sir.
Amjad, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies.
I can't do that if you don't bully me. I don't know what to say.
Just say what bullies say.
Give me your lunch money.
Not that. Try...um...
muttonhead. You're a muttonhead.
Sticks and stones!
Sticks and stones, Amjad. No, try nincompoop.
You're a nincompoop.
Water off a duck's back. I'm rising above it, eh?
Try... Oh!
Go on.
You're a fat, old man with a stupid beard
and a silly, old-fashioned suit.
What?!
You see, Amjad? There's nothing to it, huh?
Come in, Debbie.
Oh, hi, everyone. Oh, look, its Matt and Debbay!
But no Mattay, just Debbay!
Very good, Mr Khan.
Bet you can't wait to get away.
Matt's just packing the rest of our stuff, so I thought
I'd come and see if you need a hand with yours. Aw, thanks.
Oh, I see.
Shazia and Amjad are going on holiday with Matt and Debbay.
# Da, da-da, da-ra... #
Oh, hello, Mrs Khan. You seem very chirpy.
Oh, I am. And I will be even more so tomorrow.
Really? Got something special planned?
Well, I didn't think I did, but then my favourite daughter went
and booked her parents to go on holiday with them.
BOTH: What?!
I know. I know it was meant to be a surprise. It's a surprise all right.
By the way, I found our old swimming costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988.
I'm not sure mine will fit, sweetie.
Oh, just breathe in a bit.
I tried breathing in, but I almost died.
# We're all going on a summer holiday... #
Oh, God. Your mum thinks she's coming on holiday with us.
Sounds like a holiday mix-up. You need to call Watchdog.
Dad, you need to talk to Mum.
Oh, is that the time? Come on, Amjad.
Let's get Mo to the pool before the tide comes in.
Do you like it? It still fits!
In fact, let's take a photo, huh?
For Mrs Khan. She'd love to see me in my old swimsuit again.
CAMERA CLICKS
Good, eh? Just like Adam Peaty, the Olympic swimmer.
They call me PT too. The Pakistani Turtle.
I just want to say thank you, sir.
I wish I was more like you, a better dad. Oh, Amjad,
not everyone can be like me. I have a special bond with my children.
We're very close, you know? They'd never do anything behind my back.
That's brilliant, sir.
Don't worry, Amjad, you'll get there one day.
Oi! Sir, they're the bullies from little Mo's nursery.
Right. Time for a little chat, uh?
Oh!
Salaam aleikum, neighbour. Oh, don't give me that,
you nosy old git.
He was spying on me earlier with a drone.
Look, why don't we just all calm down, uh?
We're all grown-ups, aren't we?
Except with this little one.
Hello.
And what's your name, young man?
Hannibal. HE GROWLS
OK. Why don't we all just get along, uh?
Live and let live.
Amjad, come over here.
Listen, pal, you're the one interfering with drones
and spying on your neighbours.
How does he know about that?
Ohhhh!
Are you the one with the extension out?
Or the one with the stolen TVs? What?!
KNUCKLES CRACK
OK. Swimming lesson over.
We haven't even been in the pool yet.
Even better, no chance of drowning. Safety first, eh?
I thought you said we had to stand up to bullies. Did I?
And that, inside, they're just cowards.
No, that doesn't sound like me.
And they just need a firm hand. Argh!
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Ohh! Ohh!
So what was you saying? Uh...no.
Oh, twaddi!
Help! I can't sw-i-i-i-m!
OK, Shazia. Calm down. Breathe. We can get through this.
It's simple, we just say to your mum, "Funny story,
"bit of a mix-up, you're not coming on holiday with us."
Girls, what do you think?
Can I get away with this, with the right accessories?
Mum... Oh, and I went a bit mad and bought two hats,
but I only have room for one, so...
this one? Or this one?
Uh... Debbie? Neither? Um, you see, the thing is, Mrs Khan...
What? Do they not wear hats on the beach any more?
Well, I wouldn't know,
I haven't had a beach holiday since Great Yarmouth, 1988.
Oh, God! Do I need to bring food?
Look, Mum, we need to talk about this holiday. What is it, beti?
I feel really bad saying this, but, you know,
WE aren't ALL going.
Yes, Shazia, I thought you would bring that up.
You did? Uh-huh. So I phoned the travel agent... What?
..and booked a room for Naani too.
Perfect! I know, right?
Now it is all of us.
Anyone for a virgin mojito?
HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS
I thought you said you could swim, sir?
I said I was thrown into the Jehlam River.
I nearly drowned then as well.
Don't worry, I'm fine.
That man's coming over. I'm not fine!
I know you can hear me. He can't. Can you, sir?
Just stay away from me and my family!
I don't want to see you or that stupid drone near my house.
Comprende?
Pardon?
Just stay away from my house!
In fact, keep clear of our side of Stratford Road...
or else.
Has he gone?
You know, it might be nice if my mum comes.
No, it won't be nice if she comes. Why?
Because if Mrs Khan comes, then that also means that Mr Khan comes,
and to be honest, I don't find him all that... How can I put this?
..relaxing. Is he really that bad?
SHE HACKS
Fair enough. Someone needs to tell your mum.
Hello, ladoo.
Swimming was absolutely fine, with no problems at all.
OK.
Amjad... Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster.
I mean, Debbie. Amjad...
Amjad, Amjad, Amjad.
Yes? You know we're all going on holiday together, right? Yes.
And we all get on really well, don't we?
Yes. I suppose.
We could have a lot of fun together, couldn't we? Just the four of us.
Right.
Just you, me, Shazia and Matt.
Oh, God. I know Shazia's up for it. Aren't you? Definitely.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
But there's a problem.
Yes, there is.
Shazia's mum wants in on it too.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are coming instead of Matt and Debbie.
Ohhhh!
Right.
And I am not going on holiday with Mr Khan,
so I'm saying SOMEONE needs to tell him.
Oh, right.
Would it be so bad if Mr Khan came?
MR KHAN HACKS NOISILY
'Grandpa's got chlorine up his nose!'
HE HACKS AGAIN
Ah, see? All back, safe and sound.
Great. Nice hat. Thank you.
My hat got wet, so I bought these on the way home. You bought two hats?
It was buy one, get one free.
Amjad. Thank you, sir.
That'll be £20.
What?
Mine was the free one.
Thank you.
CASH REGISTER RINGS
How did it go with Mo?
Great. Swimming was absolutely fine with no problems at all.
OK.
Nobody drowned, then? Well, actually... No, nobody drowned.
Thanks, Dad.
We told you about the bullying and you dived straight in.
You can say that again.
You said we have to stand up to bullies.
Not necessarily.
Depends on the size of the bullies.
But we have to set a good example for Mo.
Or we could just put him in another nursery, uh?
You know? A fresh start.
Or in his case, pastures new.
No, we should go round their house right now and confront his parents.
Absolutely not. Shazia, these things are best left to the professionals.
Let the nursery deal with it. Do you think? Of course.
HE HACKS
MO HACKS
You see, even he agrees.
Will you go and talk to the nursery, then? Me?
Or you could stay here and tell Mrs Khan
she's not coming on our holiday. Are you mad?!
No blooming way! Boys, nursery now. Chin up. He-hey!
Right, are we ready?
Sir, there's something I don't understand.
There's a lot of things you don't understand, Amjad.
We're going to little Mo's nursery... Yes?
..to talk about the bullying. Yes.
But the nursery is on the other side of the Stratford Road.
So? Don't you remember what the scary man said?
IMITATES BULLY: Keep clear of our side of the Stratford Road...
or else.
Oh, twaddi. What are we going to do, sir?
Well, at times like this we have to remember we're Pakistani.
A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour.
So we're going to stand up to the bullying?
No. We're going to go in disguise.
A-ha! Here we are.
Here, have this.
I bought these for the winter, saves on central heating. Ha-ha!
But, sir, I don't want to get into trouble.
We're not going looking for trouble, Amjad.
We're going to look perfectly normal.
Chill out. Come on.
# Take a little walk to the edge of town
# And go across the tracks
# Where the viaduct looms like a bird of doom
# As it shifts and cracks
# Where secrets lie in the border fires
# In the humming wires
# Hey, man, you know you're never coming back... #
You see, Amjad? Perfectly normal.
Oi!
Oh, twaddi!
What are we going to do, sir?
If I die, Shazia will kill me.
You're not going to die.
Get out of here!
If he comes over,
we'll tell him we know about the stolen TVs,
and you arrest him. Simple.
Arrest him? I need some proper evidence, sir. Right, fine.
We'll show how nasty he is. I'll goad him by calling him a few names.
OK.
I thought I told you to stay clear of this side of Stratford Road.
You did. But you know what?
We quite like it here and it's a free country. You what?
You heard me...muttonhead!
How dare you? You need a good hiding.
Oh, I see. And who's going to do that, you nincompoop?
Go on, say something else, and I'll deck you.
Come on, then. You idiot.
Oh! Argh!
Amjad, why didn't you step in?
I was waiting for stronger evidence.
He just thumped me. Arrest him.
Arrest me? Yes. He's a policeman.
What? I know, I can't believe it, either. But there you are.
And I know about the stolen TVs. Stolen TVs?
They're in my shed for repair. I'm a repair man, that's what I do.
I'm not a criminal. But you're a thug. You thumped me.
And it blooming hurt.
I'm sorry.
And your family have been bullying mine.
That's my fault too.
I told them to toughen up a bit, you know, stand up for themselves.
It's this area, it's really going downhill round here now.
You're right. My boys, they're just big softies, really.
What about Lecter?
Sadly, he really is a nasty bit of work, aren't you, boy?
HE SNARLS Argh!
Well, yes. The place is going downhill. So, shall we...
..call it quits? Yeah. Sure.
So, what I was going to say to you,
me and the wife try and get away from here as much as we can.
Yes, we do too. Last week we went to the Small Heath Asda instead.
Pretty impressive. Huge Halal counter.
No, not...
I mean "away" away, you know.
Last month, we was at our holiday home in the South of France. Oh!
You should come over! OK! See the photos!
# I wanna know what love is... #
Faster? Yeah!
# I want you to show me
# I want to feel
# I want to feel what love is
# I know
# I know you can show me
# Let's talk about love
# I wanna know what love is
# The love that you feel inside
# Want you to show me... #
Has Nadiya been OK? Oh, was she here?
She is your niece, you know.
She's your daughter. You win.
What are we going to do, Shazia. You need to talk to your mum. I can't.
Look at Alia. She does her own thing all the time. Yes.
Because she lies. I'll talk to her if you like.
No. Shazia! OK. Fine.
Will you, Alia? Yeah, no problem.
What will you say? I'll make something up.
What do you think of this?
It's lightweight and perfect for travelling.
Never mind that. Matt and Debbie are going on holiday
with Shazia and Amjad, and you're not.
You're welcome.
I thought you said you were going to lie. I lied.
Oh, she's good. I'm sorry, Mum.
But I thought you booked a family holiday? I did.
For my little family, with Matt and Debbie.
But I...I bought a new swimming costume and this outfit.
If you wear that here, they might still see you in the Canaries.
I'm sorry, Mum. I just wanted our first holiday to be just us...
With Matt and Debbie. ..with Matt and Debbie.
How am I going to tell Naani?
I'll do it. No, you won't!
Ah, good news!
I've sorted the bullying. All is well.
Maybe not. Everything OK?
Yes, Shazia and Amjad are going on holiday
and we are NOT going with them.
I know. Isn't it great?
We'll get some peace and quiet.
Yeah, great.
Off you go, Shazia.
Amjad is already next door, packing all the rest of his things.
Enjoy your time on the beach and in the sea with Matt and Debbay.
Thanks, Dad. Will Mum be OK? She'll be fine. Go, go, go, go.
Papaji, can I...? Yes. Here you are.
I think it's lovely that Shazia and Amjad are having
a holiday with Matt and Debbay.
I guess.
It means that we get a bit of time to ourselves, uh?
I suppose I should go and unpack.
Ah. Not so fast, my lime-green Pakistani princess.
What do you mean? Well, we made some friends at the park.
Huggee-duggee Johnson and his family.
Very friendly.
He said we can make use of their holiday home at any time.
Holiday home? Wow!
We can leave tonight.
I'll even put my swimming costume on for you, eh?
Here, I took a photo of it earlier.
Did you know she was in the picture?
Who?
The girl behind you.
Oh, my God!
I don't believe it!
No way!
It's someone who looks just like Alia.
You didn't say it was a mobile home. I didn't say it wasn't.
Come on, let's watch the cricket highlights, eh? I'm going to bed.
OK, sweetie.
Oh, no! I forgot my toothbrush.
It's OK. I'll go and get you one in the morning. No! Now!
Right, fine. I'll save that for later.
Honestly...
Oi! Naani! What did I say? Keep the blooming heating off!