1 00:00:01,763 --> 00:00:06,643 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:12,483 --> 00:00:13,763 They all know me. 3 00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:15,123 You like my suit? 4 00:00:16,643 --> 00:00:18,443 Number one, Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:19,723 --> 00:00:23,203 Salaam aleikum, Britain. Mr Khan speaking. 6 00:00:23,203 --> 00:00:26,523 Now, if we have learned one thing over the past year, 7 00:00:26,523 --> 00:00:30,043 it's that we need to live together as one community 8 00:00:30,043 --> 00:00:32,123 and look out for our neighbours. 9 00:00:32,123 --> 00:00:34,443 Especially the dodgy ones. 10 00:00:34,443 --> 00:00:38,563 So I have a very special new drone camera 11 00:00:38,563 --> 00:00:42,163 so I can keep an eye on the whole of Sparkhill. 12 00:00:42,163 --> 00:00:44,643 I call it NWA - 13 00:00:44,643 --> 00:00:47,323 Neighbourhood Watch Asian-style. 14 00:00:47,323 --> 00:00:49,083 HE HACKS 15 00:00:50,403 --> 00:00:54,203 There's Mrs Latif hanging out her dirty washing. 16 00:00:54,203 --> 00:00:55,643 Blimey! 17 00:00:55,643 --> 00:00:57,123 Let's move on, shall we? 18 00:00:58,123 --> 00:01:00,643 What the bloomin' heck are they doing? 19 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:02,643 When will these weird people realise 20 00:01:02,643 --> 00:01:05,523 that we're not fancy-schmancy European any more? 21 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:06,563 Huh! 22 00:01:08,603 --> 00:01:13,003 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Or should I say, Allah, Allah, Allah? 23 00:01:13,003 --> 00:01:15,003 What to we have here then, huh? 24 00:01:15,003 --> 00:01:17,963 Hey, make a note of that one, WPC Nadia. 25 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,843 He probably got them off the back of a lorry. 26 00:01:24,843 --> 00:01:26,883 Did you hear that, DI Mo? 27 00:01:28,483 --> 00:01:29,563 Look at him. 28 00:01:29,563 --> 00:01:32,003 We're trying to be real-life crime-fighters 29 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:35,203 and he looks more like Baa Baa Brown Sheep. 30 00:01:35,203 --> 00:01:37,763 MR KHAN HACKS MO HACKS 31 00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:39,923 I blame the father. 32 00:01:44,363 --> 00:01:45,603 Oh, twaddi. 33 00:01:54,963 --> 00:01:58,923 Yeah? Excuse me, mister, could I please have my drone back? 34 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,443 What about my window? 35 00:02:05,163 --> 00:02:06,203 Ah! 36 00:02:15,723 --> 00:02:16,763 Wait here. 37 00:02:19,963 --> 00:02:21,883 Ha-ha! Just clear off, pal, 38 00:02:21,883 --> 00:02:25,363 and I don't want to see that thing round here again, all right? 39 00:02:25,363 --> 00:02:28,723 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! 40 00:02:28,723 --> 00:02:30,563 Aren't you forgetting something? 41 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:33,363 My flag. 42 00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:39,763 Thank you. 43 00:02:50,123 --> 00:02:55,123 Mrs Latif texted to say there's been another UFO over Sparkhill. 44 00:02:55,123 --> 00:02:56,723 Chillax, sweetie. 45 00:02:56,723 --> 00:03:00,323 Everyone will just think it's the government spying on Muslims again. 46 00:03:01,923 --> 00:03:04,163 You shouldn't be spying on them. 47 00:03:04,163 --> 00:03:06,163 Someone's got to keep an eye. 48 00:03:06,163 --> 00:03:08,723 This neighbourhood's going really downhill. 49 00:03:08,723 --> 00:03:10,203 I blame the immigrants. 50 00:03:12,043 --> 00:03:14,203 Nigel Faraji was right. 51 00:03:14,203 --> 00:03:17,563 We Pakistanis have got to get our country back. 52 00:03:19,603 --> 00:03:21,963 You can't just blame the immigrants. 53 00:03:21,963 --> 00:03:24,643 I don't just blame the immigrants, sweetie. 54 00:03:24,643 --> 00:03:27,003 I blame the parents, too. 55 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:31,123 Families need to be more close knit, like Pakistani ones. 56 00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:34,883 My cousin Waseem is married to my other cousin Waheeda. 57 00:03:34,883 --> 00:03:37,043 You can't get closer than that. 58 00:03:38,323 --> 00:03:41,483 It's all about good parenting, uh? 59 00:03:41,483 --> 00:03:43,203 Salaam aleikum, Papaji. 60 00:03:43,203 --> 00:03:45,603 Waleikum assalam, beti. 61 00:03:45,603 --> 00:03:47,283 Look at her. 62 00:03:47,283 --> 00:03:49,163 Whiter than white... 63 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,723 even though she's brown. 64 00:03:51,723 --> 00:03:54,043 Papaji, I'm off out. 65 00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:56,683 Could I have some money? Of course. 66 00:03:56,683 --> 00:03:58,323 Where are you going? Mosque. 67 00:03:58,323 --> 00:03:59,763 They got a charity whatsit on. 68 00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:04,563 Oh, another one? Oh, such a good girl. 69 00:04:06,643 --> 00:04:08,803 THEY SPEAK URDU 70 00:04:11,363 --> 00:04:13,563 Who's using my printer? 71 00:04:13,563 --> 00:04:16,363 Oh, Shazia and Amjad are printing out their holiday booking. 72 00:04:16,363 --> 00:04:18,243 I see. Wait a minute. 73 00:04:18,243 --> 00:04:21,603 This says two children and four adults. 74 00:04:21,603 --> 00:04:23,083 And? 75 00:04:23,083 --> 00:04:25,243 Oh, my God! What? 76 00:04:25,243 --> 00:04:28,603 You were right. Pakistanis ARE close-knit. 77 00:04:28,603 --> 00:04:30,003 Yes? 78 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:34,443 Maybe it's a surprise. Maybe we're not supposed to know. Know what? 79 00:04:35,923 --> 00:04:37,563 Exactly. 80 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:47,043 This time tomorrow we'll be in Tenerife. It's going to be great. 81 00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:49,843 Just you and me, the kids, Matt and Debbie. 82 00:04:49,843 --> 00:04:51,723 Have we changed their names? 83 00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:58,243 I preferred Mo and Nadia. 84 00:04:59,763 --> 00:05:05,123 No, budhoo, they're the names of our friends, Matt and Debbie. Oh. 85 00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:07,883 "Debbie Does Doncaster" Debbie? 86 00:05:07,883 --> 00:05:09,003 What? 87 00:05:09,003 --> 00:05:10,603 That's what Alia calls her. 88 00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:14,123 Hello, Amjad. Sorry for using your printer, sir. Completely fine. 89 00:05:14,123 --> 00:05:15,803 Really? Yes. 90 00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:18,403 That'll be 50p. 91 00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:22,403 Thank you. 92 00:05:28,123 --> 00:05:30,163 Have you had tea? Yes, thank you, sir. 93 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,563 £1.00. 94 00:05:33,603 --> 00:05:34,803 Thank you. 95 00:05:38,763 --> 00:05:41,723 And no charge for baby-sitting today. 96 00:05:41,723 --> 00:05:44,323 WPC Nadiya has earned her keep. 97 00:05:46,163 --> 00:05:48,683 Which reminds me, Officer Dibble, 98 00:05:48,683 --> 00:05:53,083 on here, you'll find video evidence of an illegal racket 99 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:57,603 involving stolen TVs, an illegal extension at number 34, 100 00:05:57,603 --> 00:06:01,403 and that funny bloke at number 28 has had his extension out too. 101 00:06:03,243 --> 00:06:06,523 Thank you, sir. Any questions, just ask. 102 00:06:06,523 --> 00:06:09,163 OK. How do you spell "racket"? 103 00:06:10,963 --> 00:06:14,603 Tenerife, here we come! It's going to be great, Mo. 104 00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:17,323 There's a pool, a sandy beach... 105 00:06:17,323 --> 00:06:19,603 Is there a children's grazing area? 106 00:06:21,483 --> 00:06:24,083 Don't pick on him, Dad. He gets enough of that at nursery. 107 00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:27,243 Why? What's going on? Mo's being bullied by some other boy. 108 00:06:27,243 --> 00:06:30,243 Have you spoken to the boy's father? Yes. And? 109 00:06:30,243 --> 00:06:31,523 He bullied me. 110 00:06:32,763 --> 00:06:36,443 Typical! It sounds like you need a lesson in good parenting, Amjad. 111 00:06:36,443 --> 00:06:39,123 Amjad doesn't need parenting lessons from you. 112 00:06:39,123 --> 00:06:42,163 If I remember, you spent most of my childhood too busy to do anything, 113 00:06:42,163 --> 00:06:44,563 because you were watching the cricket. 114 00:06:44,563 --> 00:06:47,123 Rubbish! Amjad's a great dad. 115 00:06:47,123 --> 00:06:49,483 He's taking Mo for his swimming lesson today, 116 00:06:49,483 --> 00:06:51,403 getting him ready for the holiday. 117 00:06:51,403 --> 00:06:56,243 Actually, ladoo, I don't really want to go. The bullies might be there. 118 00:06:56,243 --> 00:06:59,283 Amjad, you have to stand up to bullies. 119 00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:02,683 They're just cowards on the inside that need a firm hand. 120 00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:06,323 I don't think my hand's very firm, sir. 121 00:07:06,323 --> 00:07:08,083 Right, I'll sort this, come on. 122 00:07:08,083 --> 00:07:12,003 Me and you are going to take Mo swimming. You? Can you even swim? 123 00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:16,643 Of course I can swim! I'm a natural. I was taught the traditional way. 124 00:07:16,643 --> 00:07:20,803 In my day, you were just thrown into the water. Who threw you in? 125 00:07:20,803 --> 00:07:22,243 Mrs Khan's father. 126 00:07:23,563 --> 00:07:24,843 Into the Jhelum River, 127 00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:27,723 any time I came within 500 metres of their house. 128 00:07:31,123 --> 00:07:35,323 You see, one thing being part of NWA has taught me, 129 00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:37,123 is that it's a jungle out there. 130 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,843 Little Mo doesn't stand a chance if he doesn't see his father 131 00:07:39,843 --> 00:07:41,323 standing up to bullies. 132 00:07:41,323 --> 00:07:43,843 But, sir, I don't like violence. 133 00:07:43,843 --> 00:07:48,043 It's not about violence. Violence never solved anything. 134 00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:50,923 I'm talking about non-violent resistance, 135 00:07:50,923 --> 00:07:52,843 like Martin Luther Vandross. 136 00:07:54,323 --> 00:07:58,203 I don't understand, sir. It's about keeping a cool head, 137 00:07:58,203 --> 00:08:02,563 rising above it, letting it go in one ear and out the other. 138 00:08:02,563 --> 00:08:04,283 You should be good at that. 139 00:08:06,163 --> 00:08:09,803 How do you mean? Right, I'll show you. Hang on. 140 00:08:09,803 --> 00:08:14,123 Bully me. Bully you, sir? Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me. 141 00:08:14,123 --> 00:08:16,963 Call me a few names. I don't think I can, sir. 142 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:20,123 Amjad, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies. 143 00:08:20,123 --> 00:08:23,683 I can't do that if you don't bully me. I don't know what to say. 144 00:08:23,683 --> 00:08:25,603 Just say what bullies say. 145 00:08:25,603 --> 00:08:27,403 Give me your lunch money. 146 00:08:29,003 --> 00:08:31,523 Not that. Try...um... 147 00:08:31,523 --> 00:08:33,843 muttonhead. You're a muttonhead. 148 00:08:33,843 --> 00:08:35,683 Sticks and stones! 149 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,963 Sticks and stones, Amjad. No, try nincompoop. 150 00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:40,643 You're a nincompoop. 151 00:08:40,643 --> 00:08:44,723 Water off a duck's back. I'm rising above it, eh? 152 00:08:44,723 --> 00:08:46,443 Try... Oh! 153 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:47,883 Go on. 154 00:08:49,643 --> 00:08:52,403 You're a fat, old man with a stupid beard 155 00:08:52,403 --> 00:08:54,643 and a silly, old-fashioned suit. 156 00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:57,203 What?! 157 00:09:04,123 --> 00:09:06,643 You see, Amjad? There's nothing to it, huh? 158 00:09:09,323 --> 00:09:11,043 Come in, Debbie. 159 00:09:12,483 --> 00:09:17,243 Oh, hi, everyone. Oh, look, its Matt and Debbay! 160 00:09:17,243 --> 00:09:19,843 But no Mattay, just Debbay! 161 00:09:19,843 --> 00:09:21,443 Very good, Mr Khan. 162 00:09:21,443 --> 00:09:23,603 Bet you can't wait to get away. 163 00:09:23,603 --> 00:09:25,723 Matt's just packing the rest of our stuff, so I thought 164 00:09:25,723 --> 00:09:27,963 I'd come and see if you need a hand with yours. Aw, thanks. 165 00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:29,123 Oh, I see. 166 00:09:29,123 --> 00:09:33,083 Shazia and Amjad are going on holiday with Matt and Debbay. 167 00:09:34,163 --> 00:09:35,923 # Da, da-da, da-ra... # 168 00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:38,563 Oh, hello, Mrs Khan. You seem very chirpy. 169 00:09:38,563 --> 00:09:41,483 Oh, I am. And I will be even more so tomorrow. 170 00:09:41,483 --> 00:09:43,523 Really? Got something special planned? 171 00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:48,723 Well, I didn't think I did, but then my favourite daughter went 172 00:09:48,723 --> 00:09:52,203 and booked her parents to go on holiday with them. 173 00:09:52,203 --> 00:09:54,123 BOTH: What?! 174 00:09:54,123 --> 00:09:58,803 I know. I know it was meant to be a surprise. It's a surprise all right. 175 00:10:00,443 --> 00:10:04,643 By the way, I found our old swimming costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988. 176 00:10:04,643 --> 00:10:07,043 I'm not sure mine will fit, sweetie. 177 00:10:07,043 --> 00:10:09,083 Oh, just breathe in a bit. 178 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:12,163 I tried breathing in, but I almost died. 179 00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:15,083 # We're all going on a summer holiday... # 180 00:10:15,083 --> 00:10:18,083 Oh, God. Your mum thinks she's coming on holiday with us. 181 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:21,443 Sounds like a holiday mix-up. You need to call Watchdog. 182 00:10:22,963 --> 00:10:25,403 Dad, you need to talk to Mum. 183 00:10:25,403 --> 00:10:27,843 Oh, is that the time? Come on, Amjad. 184 00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:30,243 Let's get Mo to the pool before the tide comes in. 185 00:10:38,163 --> 00:10:41,243 Do you like it? It still fits! 186 00:10:41,243 --> 00:10:43,883 In fact, let's take a photo, huh? 187 00:10:43,883 --> 00:10:47,483 For Mrs Khan. She'd love to see me in my old swimsuit again. 188 00:10:47,483 --> 00:10:49,123 CAMERA CLICKS 189 00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:53,163 Good, eh? Just like Adam Peaty, the Olympic swimmer. 190 00:10:53,163 --> 00:10:56,323 They call me PT too. The Pakistani Turtle. 191 00:10:57,403 --> 00:10:59,443 I just want to say thank you, sir. 192 00:10:59,443 --> 00:11:03,043 I wish I was more like you, a better dad. Oh, Amjad, 193 00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:07,763 not everyone can be like me. I have a special bond with my children. 194 00:11:07,763 --> 00:11:11,723 We're very close, you know? They'd never do anything behind my back. 195 00:11:14,483 --> 00:11:15,883 That's brilliant, sir. 196 00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:19,243 Don't worry, Amjad, you'll get there one day. 197 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:23,283 Oi! Sir, they're the bullies from little Mo's nursery. 198 00:11:24,923 --> 00:11:28,483 Right. Time for a little chat, uh? 199 00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:36,363 Oh! 200 00:11:40,123 --> 00:11:44,243 Salaam aleikum, neighbour. Oh, don't give me that, 201 00:11:44,243 --> 00:11:45,843 you nosy old git. 202 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:49,403 He was spying on me earlier with a drone. 203 00:11:49,403 --> 00:11:52,803 Look, why don't we just all calm down, uh? 204 00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:55,043 We're all grown-ups, aren't we? 205 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:57,483 Except with this little one. 206 00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,803 Hello. 207 00:11:58,803 --> 00:12:01,403 And what's your name, young man? 208 00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:04,283 Hannibal. HE GROWLS 209 00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:10,043 OK. Why don't we all just get along, uh? 210 00:12:10,043 --> 00:12:12,163 Live and let live. 211 00:12:12,163 --> 00:12:14,123 Amjad, come over here. 212 00:12:14,123 --> 00:12:17,243 Listen, pal, you're the one interfering with drones 213 00:12:17,243 --> 00:12:19,163 and spying on your neighbours. 214 00:12:19,163 --> 00:12:21,123 How does he know about that? 215 00:12:21,123 --> 00:12:23,123 Ohhhh! 216 00:12:23,123 --> 00:12:26,363 Are you the one with the extension out? 217 00:12:26,363 --> 00:12:28,883 Or the one with the stolen TVs? What?! 218 00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:30,443 KNUCKLES CRACK 219 00:12:30,443 --> 00:12:32,523 OK. Swimming lesson over. 220 00:12:32,523 --> 00:12:34,523 We haven't even been in the pool yet. 221 00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:37,283 Even better, no chance of drowning. Safety first, eh? 222 00:12:37,283 --> 00:12:39,803 I thought you said we had to stand up to bullies. Did I? 223 00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:41,683 And that, inside, they're just cowards. 224 00:12:41,683 --> 00:12:43,083 No, that doesn't sound like me. 225 00:12:43,083 --> 00:12:45,563 And they just need a firm hand. Argh! 226 00:12:54,043 --> 00:12:55,923 Oh, God. Oh, God! 227 00:12:57,123 --> 00:12:58,883 Ohh! Ohh! 228 00:13:03,763 --> 00:13:07,363 So what was you saying? Uh...no. 229 00:13:07,363 --> 00:13:10,363 Oh, twaddi! 230 00:13:10,363 --> 00:13:14,523 Help! I can't sw-i-i-i-m! 231 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:30,003 OK, Shazia. Calm down. Breathe. We can get through this. 232 00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:32,683 It's simple, we just say to your mum, "Funny story, 233 00:13:32,683 --> 00:13:35,683 "bit of a mix-up, you're not coming on holiday with us." 234 00:13:35,683 --> 00:13:37,243 Girls, what do you think? 235 00:13:37,243 --> 00:13:40,203 Can I get away with this, with the right accessories? 236 00:13:40,203 --> 00:13:43,283 Mum... Oh, and I went a bit mad and bought two hats, 237 00:13:43,283 --> 00:13:45,643 but I only have room for one, so... 238 00:13:45,643 --> 00:13:48,923 this one? Or this one? 239 00:13:48,923 --> 00:13:53,483 Uh... Debbie? Neither? Um, you see, the thing is, Mrs Khan... 240 00:13:53,483 --> 00:13:55,443 What? Do they not wear hats on the beach any more? 241 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,203 Well, I wouldn't know, 242 00:13:57,203 --> 00:14:01,283 I haven't had a beach holiday since Great Yarmouth, 1988. 243 00:14:01,283 --> 00:14:03,603 Oh, God! Do I need to bring food? 244 00:14:03,603 --> 00:14:06,483 Look, Mum, we need to talk about this holiday. What is it, beti? 245 00:14:06,483 --> 00:14:09,083 I feel really bad saying this, but, you know, 246 00:14:09,083 --> 00:14:11,403 WE aren't ALL going. 247 00:14:11,403 --> 00:14:14,323 Yes, Shazia, I thought you would bring that up. 248 00:14:14,323 --> 00:14:18,363 You did? Uh-huh. So I phoned the travel agent... What? 249 00:14:18,363 --> 00:14:20,403 ..and booked a room for Naani too. 250 00:14:21,963 --> 00:14:24,923 Perfect! I know, right? 251 00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:27,163 Now it is all of us. 252 00:14:29,523 --> 00:14:32,963 Anyone for a virgin mojito? 253 00:14:38,483 --> 00:14:40,683 HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS 254 00:14:41,763 --> 00:14:44,163 I thought you said you could swim, sir? 255 00:14:44,163 --> 00:14:46,403 I said I was thrown into the Jehlam River. 256 00:14:46,403 --> 00:14:48,923 I nearly drowned then as well. 257 00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:50,883 Don't worry, I'm fine. 258 00:14:50,883 --> 00:14:53,883 That man's coming over. I'm not fine! 259 00:14:53,883 --> 00:14:58,763 I know you can hear me. He can't. Can you, sir? 260 00:14:58,763 --> 00:15:01,963 Just stay away from me and my family! 261 00:15:01,963 --> 00:15:06,083 I don't want to see you or that stupid drone near my house. 262 00:15:06,083 --> 00:15:07,923 Comprende? 263 00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:09,443 Pardon? 264 00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:12,203 Just stay away from my house! 265 00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:17,683 In fact, keep clear of our side of Stratford Road... 266 00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,123 or else. 267 00:15:22,683 --> 00:15:24,363 Has he gone? 268 00:15:27,323 --> 00:15:29,883 You know, it might be nice if my mum comes. 269 00:15:29,883 --> 00:15:32,323 No, it won't be nice if she comes. Why? 270 00:15:32,323 --> 00:15:35,603 Because if Mrs Khan comes, then that also means that Mr Khan comes, 271 00:15:35,603 --> 00:15:39,523 and to be honest, I don't find him all that... How can I put this? 272 00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,883 ..relaxing. Is he really that bad? 273 00:15:41,883 --> 00:15:44,763 SHE HACKS 274 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:49,003 Fair enough. Someone needs to tell your mum. 275 00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:50,883 Hello, ladoo. 276 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:55,523 Swimming was absolutely fine, with no problems at all. 277 00:15:57,243 --> 00:15:58,443 OK. 278 00:15:58,443 --> 00:16:02,403 Amjad... Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster. 279 00:16:04,683 --> 00:16:07,523 I mean, Debbie. Amjad... 280 00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:11,563 Amjad, Amjad, Amjad. 281 00:16:12,643 --> 00:16:16,443 Yes? You know we're all going on holiday together, right? Yes. 282 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,243 And we all get on really well, don't we? 283 00:16:19,243 --> 00:16:21,363 Yes. I suppose. 284 00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:25,403 We could have a lot of fun together, couldn't we? Just the four of us. 285 00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:26,683 Right. 286 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,043 Just you, me, Shazia and Matt. 287 00:16:35,803 --> 00:16:40,203 Oh, God. I know Shazia's up for it. Aren't you? Definitely. 288 00:16:40,203 --> 00:16:42,283 Oh, God! Oh, God! 289 00:16:42,283 --> 00:16:44,523 But there's a problem. 290 00:16:44,523 --> 00:16:45,923 Yes, there is. 291 00:16:45,923 --> 00:16:47,803 Shazia's mum wants in on it too. 292 00:16:49,323 --> 00:16:51,763 Oh, no, no, no, no! 293 00:16:51,763 --> 00:16:55,443 Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are coming instead of Matt and Debbie. 294 00:16:55,443 --> 00:16:57,563 Ohhhh! 295 00:16:58,563 --> 00:16:59,763 Right. 296 00:16:59,763 --> 00:17:02,283 And I am not going on holiday with Mr Khan, 297 00:17:02,283 --> 00:17:05,443 so I'm saying SOMEONE needs to tell him. 298 00:17:05,443 --> 00:17:07,643 Oh, right. 299 00:17:09,163 --> 00:17:11,483 Would it be so bad if Mr Khan came? 300 00:17:11,483 --> 00:17:14,203 MR KHAN HACKS NOISILY 301 00:17:14,203 --> 00:17:17,283 'Grandpa's got chlorine up his nose!' 302 00:17:17,283 --> 00:17:19,403 HE HACKS AGAIN 303 00:17:24,283 --> 00:17:28,163 Ah, see? All back, safe and sound. 304 00:17:28,163 --> 00:17:30,243 Great. Nice hat. Thank you. 305 00:17:30,243 --> 00:17:34,603 My hat got wet, so I bought these on the way home. You bought two hats? 306 00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:36,883 It was buy one, get one free. 307 00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:39,643 Amjad. Thank you, sir. 308 00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:41,163 That'll be £20. 309 00:17:41,163 --> 00:17:42,683 What? 310 00:17:42,683 --> 00:17:44,323 Mine was the free one. 311 00:17:45,483 --> 00:17:47,243 Thank you. 312 00:17:48,243 --> 00:17:50,563 CASH REGISTER RINGS 313 00:17:50,563 --> 00:17:52,683 How did it go with Mo? 314 00:17:52,683 --> 00:17:58,323 Great. Swimming was absolutely fine with no problems at all. 315 00:17:58,323 --> 00:18:00,003 OK. 316 00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:04,203 Nobody drowned, then? Well, actually... No, nobody drowned. 317 00:18:04,203 --> 00:18:05,763 Thanks, Dad. 318 00:18:05,763 --> 00:18:08,603 We told you about the bullying and you dived straight in. 319 00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:10,403 You can say that again. 320 00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:13,403 You said we have to stand up to bullies. 321 00:18:13,403 --> 00:18:15,563 Not necessarily. 322 00:18:15,563 --> 00:18:17,763 Depends on the size of the bullies. 323 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,163 But we have to set a good example for Mo. 324 00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:23,163 Or we could just put him in another nursery, uh? 325 00:18:23,163 --> 00:18:25,803 You know? A fresh start. 326 00:18:25,803 --> 00:18:28,443 Or in his case, pastures new. 327 00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:34,123 No, we should go round their house right now and confront his parents. 328 00:18:34,123 --> 00:18:39,163 Absolutely not. Shazia, these things are best left to the professionals. 329 00:18:39,163 --> 00:18:42,763 Let the nursery deal with it. Do you think? Of course. 330 00:18:42,763 --> 00:18:44,163 HE HACKS 331 00:18:44,163 --> 00:18:45,923 MO HACKS 332 00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:50,163 You see, even he agrees. 333 00:18:51,243 --> 00:18:53,963 Will you go and talk to the nursery, then? Me? 334 00:18:53,963 --> 00:18:56,403 Or you could stay here and tell Mrs Khan 335 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,083 she's not coming on our holiday. Are you mad?! 336 00:18:59,083 --> 00:19:02,523 No blooming way! Boys, nursery now. Chin up. He-hey! 337 00:19:06,963 --> 00:19:09,203 Right, are we ready? 338 00:19:09,203 --> 00:19:11,763 Sir, there's something I don't understand. 339 00:19:11,763 --> 00:19:14,443 There's a lot of things you don't understand, Amjad. 340 00:19:14,443 --> 00:19:17,123 We're going to little Mo's nursery... Yes? 341 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,403 ..to talk about the bullying. Yes. 342 00:19:19,403 --> 00:19:22,483 But the nursery is on the other side of the Stratford Road. 343 00:19:22,483 --> 00:19:26,283 So? Don't you remember what the scary man said? 344 00:19:26,283 --> 00:19:29,323 IMITATES BULLY: Keep clear of our side of the Stratford Road... 345 00:19:29,323 --> 00:19:31,083 or else. 346 00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:33,723 Oh, twaddi. What are we going to do, sir? 347 00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:37,883 Well, at times like this we have to remember we're Pakistani. 348 00:19:37,883 --> 00:19:41,683 A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour. 349 00:19:41,683 --> 00:19:43,443 So we're going to stand up to the bullying? 350 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,803 No. We're going to go in disguise. 351 00:19:46,923 --> 00:19:49,283 A-ha! Here we are. 352 00:19:49,283 --> 00:19:51,563 Here, have this. 353 00:19:51,563 --> 00:19:55,283 I bought these for the winter, saves on central heating. Ha-ha! 354 00:19:55,283 --> 00:19:57,843 But, sir, I don't want to get into trouble. 355 00:19:57,843 --> 00:20:00,563 We're not going looking for trouble, Amjad. 356 00:20:00,563 --> 00:20:03,643 We're going to look perfectly normal. 357 00:20:03,643 --> 00:20:06,163 Chill out. Come on. 358 00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:17,923 # Take a little walk to the edge of town 359 00:20:17,923 --> 00:20:20,563 # And go across the tracks 360 00:20:22,163 --> 00:20:26,563 # Where the viaduct looms like a bird of doom 361 00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:29,923 # As it shifts and cracks 362 00:20:29,923 --> 00:20:34,763 # Where secrets lie in the border fires 363 00:20:34,763 --> 00:20:37,003 # In the humming wires 364 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,203 # Hey, man, you know you're never coming back... # 365 00:20:40,203 --> 00:20:43,283 You see, Amjad? Perfectly normal. 366 00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,843 Oi! 367 00:20:49,843 --> 00:20:51,283 Oh, twaddi! 368 00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,323 What are we going to do, sir? 369 00:20:53,323 --> 00:20:55,403 If I die, Shazia will kill me. 370 00:20:56,683 --> 00:20:58,363 You're not going to die. 371 00:20:58,363 --> 00:20:59,843 Get out of here! 372 00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:01,723 If he comes over, 373 00:21:01,723 --> 00:21:03,923 we'll tell him we know about the stolen TVs, 374 00:21:03,923 --> 00:21:05,443 and you arrest him. Simple. 375 00:21:05,443 --> 00:21:09,923 Arrest him? I need some proper evidence, sir. Right, fine. 376 00:21:09,923 --> 00:21:14,283 We'll show how nasty he is. I'll goad him by calling him a few names. 377 00:21:14,283 --> 00:21:15,723 OK. 378 00:21:21,643 --> 00:21:24,683 I thought I told you to stay clear of this side of Stratford Road. 379 00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:26,883 You did. But you know what? 380 00:21:26,883 --> 00:21:30,363 We quite like it here and it's a free country. You what? 381 00:21:30,363 --> 00:21:33,683 You heard me...muttonhead! 382 00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:36,883 How dare you? You need a good hiding. 383 00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:45,523 Oh, I see. And who's going to do that, you nincompoop? 384 00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:49,363 Go on, say something else, and I'll deck you. 385 00:21:49,363 --> 00:21:52,403 Come on, then. You idiot. 386 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,363 Oh! Argh! 387 00:21:55,363 --> 00:21:57,963 Amjad, why didn't you step in? 388 00:21:57,963 --> 00:22:00,563 I was waiting for stronger evidence. 389 00:22:00,563 --> 00:22:03,083 He just thumped me. Arrest him. 390 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:06,523 Arrest me? Yes. He's a policeman. 391 00:22:06,523 --> 00:22:10,563 What? I know, I can't believe it, either. But there you are. 392 00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:14,203 And I know about the stolen TVs. Stolen TVs? 393 00:22:15,523 --> 00:22:19,403 They're in my shed for repair. I'm a repair man, that's what I do. 394 00:22:19,403 --> 00:22:22,843 I'm not a criminal. But you're a thug. You thumped me. 395 00:22:22,843 --> 00:22:24,483 And it blooming hurt. 396 00:22:24,483 --> 00:22:26,363 I'm sorry. 397 00:22:26,363 --> 00:22:29,203 And your family have been bullying mine. 398 00:22:29,203 --> 00:22:30,963 That's my fault too. 399 00:22:30,963 --> 00:22:34,643 I told them to toughen up a bit, you know, stand up for themselves. 400 00:22:34,643 --> 00:22:38,563 It's this area, it's really going downhill round here now. 401 00:22:38,563 --> 00:22:42,243 You're right. My boys, they're just big softies, really. 402 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:45,763 What about Lecter? 403 00:22:45,763 --> 00:22:49,563 Sadly, he really is a nasty bit of work, aren't you, boy? 404 00:22:49,563 --> 00:22:51,363 HE SNARLS Argh! 405 00:22:51,363 --> 00:22:55,803 Well, yes. The place is going downhill. So, shall we... 406 00:22:57,083 --> 00:22:59,683 ..call it quits? Yeah. Sure. 407 00:23:04,803 --> 00:23:07,563 So, what I was going to say to you, 408 00:23:07,563 --> 00:23:11,323 me and the wife try and get away from here as much as we can. 409 00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:16,083 Yes, we do too. Last week we went to the Small Heath Asda instead. 410 00:23:16,083 --> 00:23:19,403 Pretty impressive. Huge Halal counter. 411 00:23:19,403 --> 00:23:21,123 No, not... 412 00:23:21,123 --> 00:23:23,643 I mean "away" away, you know. 413 00:23:23,643 --> 00:23:27,723 Last month, we was at our holiday home in the South of France. Oh! 414 00:23:27,723 --> 00:23:30,243 You should come over! OK! See the photos! 415 00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:33,123 # I wanna know what love is... # 416 00:23:33,123 --> 00:23:34,683 Faster? Yeah! 417 00:23:36,283 --> 00:23:39,243 # I want you to show me 418 00:23:39,243 --> 00:23:41,563 # I want to feel 419 00:23:41,563 --> 00:23:45,523 # I want to feel what love is 420 00:23:45,523 --> 00:23:47,403 # I know 421 00:23:47,403 --> 00:23:53,363 # I know you can show me 422 00:23:54,723 --> 00:23:56,763 # Let's talk about love 423 00:23:56,763 --> 00:23:59,723 # I wanna know what love is 424 00:23:59,723 --> 00:24:02,883 # The love that you feel inside 425 00:24:02,883 --> 00:24:05,363 # Want you to show me... # 426 00:24:10,443 --> 00:24:13,283 Has Nadiya been OK? Oh, was she here? 427 00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:17,723 She is your niece, you know. 428 00:24:17,723 --> 00:24:20,323 She's your daughter. You win. 429 00:24:21,643 --> 00:24:24,963 What are we going to do, Shazia. You need to talk to your mum. I can't. 430 00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:28,483 Look at Alia. She does her own thing all the time. Yes. 431 00:24:28,483 --> 00:24:31,443 Because she lies. I'll talk to her if you like. 432 00:24:31,443 --> 00:24:34,483 No. Shazia! OK. Fine. 433 00:24:34,483 --> 00:24:36,403 Will you, Alia? Yeah, no problem. 434 00:24:36,403 --> 00:24:38,763 What will you say? I'll make something up. 435 00:24:39,883 --> 00:24:41,323 What do you think of this? 436 00:24:41,323 --> 00:24:43,803 It's lightweight and perfect for travelling. 437 00:24:43,803 --> 00:24:46,563 Never mind that. Matt and Debbie are going on holiday 438 00:24:46,563 --> 00:24:48,643 with Shazia and Amjad, and you're not. 439 00:24:52,283 --> 00:24:53,883 You're welcome. 440 00:24:57,123 --> 00:25:00,483 I thought you said you were going to lie. I lied. 441 00:25:00,483 --> 00:25:04,003 Oh, she's good. I'm sorry, Mum. 442 00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:07,803 But I thought you booked a family holiday? I did. 443 00:25:07,803 --> 00:25:10,643 For my little family, with Matt and Debbie. 444 00:25:10,643 --> 00:25:14,203 But I...I bought a new swimming costume and this outfit. 445 00:25:14,203 --> 00:25:17,763 If you wear that here, they might still see you in the Canaries. 446 00:25:18,763 --> 00:25:22,243 I'm sorry, Mum. I just wanted our first holiday to be just us... 447 00:25:22,243 --> 00:25:24,723 With Matt and Debbie. ..with Matt and Debbie. 448 00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:27,203 How am I going to tell Naani? 449 00:25:27,203 --> 00:25:28,923 I'll do it. No, you won't! 450 00:25:31,643 --> 00:25:33,443 Ah, good news! 451 00:25:33,443 --> 00:25:36,043 I've sorted the bullying. All is well. 452 00:25:36,043 --> 00:25:38,603 Maybe not. Everything OK? 453 00:25:38,603 --> 00:25:41,683 Yes, Shazia and Amjad are going on holiday 454 00:25:41,683 --> 00:25:43,923 and we are NOT going with them. 455 00:25:43,923 --> 00:25:45,883 I know. Isn't it great? 456 00:25:45,883 --> 00:25:48,483 We'll get some peace and quiet. 457 00:25:48,483 --> 00:25:50,443 Yeah, great. 458 00:25:50,443 --> 00:25:52,043 Off you go, Shazia. 459 00:25:52,043 --> 00:25:55,363 Amjad is already next door, packing all the rest of his things. 460 00:25:55,363 --> 00:26:00,483 Enjoy your time on the beach and in the sea with Matt and Debbay. 461 00:26:00,483 --> 00:26:04,843 Thanks, Dad. Will Mum be OK? She'll be fine. Go, go, go, go. 462 00:26:04,843 --> 00:26:07,603 Papaji, can I...? Yes. Here you are. 463 00:26:10,883 --> 00:26:13,683 I think it's lovely that Shazia and Amjad are having 464 00:26:13,683 --> 00:26:15,883 a holiday with Matt and Debbay. 465 00:26:17,163 --> 00:26:18,563 I guess. 466 00:26:18,563 --> 00:26:22,443 It means that we get a bit of time to ourselves, uh? 467 00:26:22,443 --> 00:26:24,483 I suppose I should go and unpack. 468 00:26:24,483 --> 00:26:29,443 Ah. Not so fast, my lime-green Pakistani princess. 469 00:26:31,123 --> 00:26:35,043 What do you mean? Well, we made some friends at the park. 470 00:26:35,043 --> 00:26:37,683 Huggee-duggee Johnson and his family. 471 00:26:37,683 --> 00:26:39,523 Very friendly. 472 00:26:39,523 --> 00:26:43,763 He said we can make use of their holiday home at any time. 473 00:26:43,763 --> 00:26:46,163 Holiday home? Wow! 474 00:26:46,163 --> 00:26:47,843 We can leave tonight. 475 00:26:47,843 --> 00:26:51,523 I'll even put my swimming costume on for you, eh? 476 00:26:51,523 --> 00:26:53,883 Here, I took a photo of it earlier. 477 00:26:57,883 --> 00:27:00,483 Did you know she was in the picture? 478 00:27:00,483 --> 00:27:01,843 Who? 479 00:27:03,323 --> 00:27:04,803 The girl behind you. 480 00:27:04,803 --> 00:27:06,923 Oh, my God! 481 00:27:06,923 --> 00:27:09,203 I don't believe it! 482 00:27:09,203 --> 00:27:10,683 No way! 483 00:27:10,683 --> 00:27:13,763 It's someone who looks just like Alia. 484 00:27:23,883 --> 00:27:27,403 You didn't say it was a mobile home. I didn't say it wasn't. 485 00:27:28,883 --> 00:27:32,803 Come on, let's watch the cricket highlights, eh? I'm going to bed. 486 00:27:32,803 --> 00:27:34,443 OK, sweetie. 487 00:27:36,483 --> 00:27:38,923 Oh, no! I forgot my toothbrush. 488 00:27:40,043 --> 00:27:44,843 It's OK. I'll go and get you one in the morning. No! Now! 489 00:27:44,843 --> 00:27:48,243 Right, fine. I'll save that for later. 490 00:27:50,323 --> 00:27:51,803 Honestly... 491 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:08,643 Oi! Naani! What did I say? Keep the blooming heating off!