1
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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

2
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They all know me.
Do you like my suit?

3
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Number one Citizen Khan.

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Assalaamu Alaikum,
my boobtube followers.

5
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I'll assume you said
"walaikum salaam" there.

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Now, I know what you're thinking -
we Muslims are all over the telly.

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Always on the news.

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But it's not all bad news.

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Sometimes it's good news too.

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Here's my free copy
of the Sparkhill Gazette.

11
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Lots of good Muslim stories in here.
Let's have a look.

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Ah-hah, Mr Ali won the weekly
Sudoku competition. Oh, yeah.

13
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Ah, the halal butchers on Stoney
Lane is going to be open 24 hours!

14
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Ah, this is brilliant.

15
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The Moseley Muslim Theatre Group is
putting on their own version

16
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of Swan Lake
but without the dancing.

17
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Oh, yes, and Amjad's dad got knocked
down by the number 37 bus.

18
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Ah, poor Mr Malik.
I can't believe he's gone.

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Still, I suppose a part of him
will always be with us.

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Is she keeping his toupee?

21
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Idiot. What?
That thing had a life of its own!

22
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It was like he was balancing
a guinea pig on his head.

23
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Have some respect for the dead.
Are you sure it's dead?

24
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It's probably scrabbling at the
coffin lid trying to get out!

25
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Poor Mrs Malik is suffering.

26
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Just try and be
a little bit more sensitive.

27
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Fine, I'll be sensitive.

28
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So, hit by a bus, eh?

29
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It's just such a shock.

30
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Of course.

31
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I can't believe he's gone.

32
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No.

33
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It's so kind of you to let
me stay here,

34
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especially since your house is
so much smaller than mine.

35
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Hang on,
are they my birthday truffles?!

36
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That's the last one.

37
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What? I'm sorry.
I found them in the kitchen.

38
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I hid them in
a tin in the top cupboard.

39
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That's where I found them.

40
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It's no problem.
What's Mr Khan's is yours, isn't it?

41
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Yes, I suppose so.

42
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Would you like some of my
varicose veins too?

43
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The worst part is, what if people
think he was waiting for a bus?

44
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I mean, we haven't used public
transport for 20 years.

45
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Right.
He just didn't see it coming.

46
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He should have checked
the timetable.

47
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No, he was...distracted.

48
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Oh, was he on the phone?

49
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The wind blew his
hairpiece over his eyes.

50
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HE STIFLES A LAUGH

51
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Oh, dear.

52
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I told him so many times,
"Don't go out when it's too windy,"

53
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but he never listened.

54
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I can tell you're shocked.

55
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You didn't know he wore a hairpiece.

56
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I had no idea. Did you?

57
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Oh, no!

58
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I had no idea at all.

59
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I mean, it looked so...

60
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lifelike(!)

61
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Would you excuse us for a minute?
What?

62
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What is wrong with you?
You should be supporting Mrs Malik.

63
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Sweetie, there aren't enough
truffles in the world

64
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to support that woman!

65
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And what about Amjad?
He needs our support too.

66
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I know this is
a difficult time for everyone,

67
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but I'm just trying to get on
with normal life.

68
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We Pakistanis are very good at
making the best of a bad situation.

69
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Why do you think there are
so many of us in Birmingham?

70
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Shazia's worried about him.
She says he's very stressed.

71
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He'll be OK.

72
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Why don't you offer to help with the
funeral arrangements? I can't.

73
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I've got to go and see the bank
manager about my new business idea.

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I need an investor. Unbelievable!

75
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You're worried about investors

76
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when your son-in-law's
just lost his father.

77
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We've all got our problems, sweetie!

78
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I've got high heating bills,

79
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my back's still playing up,

80
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and next door's cat keeps
pooping in our patio!

81
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Look,
let me show you my business idea.

82
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Now, imagine we're
somewhere romantic,

83
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like the time I took you to
the Taj Mahal.

84
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You've never taken me
to the Taj Mahal.

85
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Yes, I have,
the one on the Stratford Road.

86
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You had the lamb bhuna, remember?

87
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Oh, yeah, that one.

88
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So we want to take a selfie,

89
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but, oh, no, you forgot to bring
the selfie stick.

90
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Me?! Yes, but it's not a problem.

91
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Not with Mr Khan's
sewn-into-your-suit selfie stick!

92
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There you are, perfect!

93
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Now, get ready to say cheese.

94
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Activating extension mode.

95
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CAT MEOWS

96
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Serves you right!

97
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I don't think Amjad's
coping very well.

98
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I think the stress
is getting to him.

99
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He doesn't look stressed to me.

100
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Just talk to him, OK? OK, OK.

101
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Hello, Amjad. Hello, sir.

102
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How you doing? Not too stressed?
No, I'm not too stressed at all.

103
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Everything's perfectly fine.

104
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I'm not too stressed at all.

105
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You see,
he's not too stressed at all.

106
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I've got to get to the mosque.

107
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Budhoo. Yes, ladoo.

108
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I think you've forgotten something.

109
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Oh.

110
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Not that.

111
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HE SHRIEKS

112
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Dad, can you do something? OK, fine.

113
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I don't think I can do this, sir.

114
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Amjad, you can. You just need to put
your trousers on first.

115
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Maybe you should take over
the funeral arrangements.

116
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Amjad, it's very easy.
Muslim funerals are all about speed.

117
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Pray-pray, cry-cry,
dig-dig, bish-bosh!

118
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But, sir, the funeral's this
afternoon and I've got all

119
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his papers to sort out and I have to
get to the mosque. So?

120
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Apparently there's going to be loads
of important people there

121
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to pay their respects.

122
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Colleagues, investors...

123
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Say that again.

124
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Colleagues. No, not that.

125
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Investors. That's the one.

126
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You know, Amjad, maybe you're right.

127
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Maybe I SHOULD take over the
funeral arrangements, huh?

128
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Thank you, sir.

129
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I don't want you to worry
about anything.

130
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You just stay here,
relax and enjoy yourself.

131
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Not enjoy yourself.

132
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I mean, be sad...in a good way!

133
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Thank you, sir. You're my rock.

134
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He was stressed so I've just been
relieving him of his tension.

135
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Assalaamu Alaikum. Assalaamu
Alaikum.

136
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Walaikum salaam, Riaz.

137
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Hello, Dave. A sad day.

138
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Why? Aston Villa sacked their
manager again?

139
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Oh, you mean... Yes, of course.

140
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Very sad. Very, very sad.

141
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We've just been going over the
arrangements for the funeral.

142
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Yes, we have to perform the burial
ritual, do the prayers and

143
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the body has to be buried today
with the head facing Mecca.

144
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What you telling us for? We know.

145
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I'm the funeral director.
It's all I've got!

146
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There are also quite
a few well-wishers here

147
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who want to pay their respects
to the family.

148
00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:41,923
Yes, I'll be taking care of
all of that. You?

149
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I didn't think you and Mr Malik
were that friendly?

150
00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:47,363
Oh, yes,
me and Wiggy were very close.

151
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People said you could
hardly see the join.

152
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Shouldn't that really be
Amjad's role?

153
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You're right, it should be Amjad
but he's gone a bit...whoo-hoo!

154
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So, he's left me
in charge of everything.

155
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He said I'm his rock.

156
00:09:04,683 --> 00:09:07,163
Hmm, maybe I should offer him
some pastoral support?

157
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Back off, Dave.
I'm his stick of rock.

158
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He doesn't need
a gingerbread man too.

159
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So you're here to represent
the family? That's right.

160
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I'll be leading all the important
funeral duties like dealing

161
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with anyone who's coming to pay
their investments...respects!

162
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Assalaamu Alaikum.

163
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ALL: Walaikum salaam.

164
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I've come to offer my condolences...
That'll be me!

165
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You're condoling me. Thank you.
It means a lot.

166
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You see, Mr Malik and I were
very close friends.

167
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Very close.

168
00:09:46,723 --> 00:09:49,883
Were you a business partner
of Mr Malik?

169
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No.

170
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Off you go.

171
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So you're going to do everything
that Amjad would have done? Yes.

172
00:09:58,243 --> 00:10:01,123
Got a problem with that?
No. Good. What's first?

173
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The ceremonial washing of
the dead body.

174
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Oh, twaddi!

175
00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:15,283
You know, I find this a very moving
part of the funeral ritual.

176
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Don't you, Mr Khan? Mr Khan?

177
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I thought it'd be easier to
wash this in the sink.

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LAUGHTER

179
00:10:27,643 --> 00:10:30,203
Has anyone got any conditioner?

180
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LAUGHTER

181
00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:35,763
Are you OK, Mr Khan? I know that
must have been hard for you.

182
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Yes, it was.

183
00:10:37,643 --> 00:10:41,683
I had to really work the shampoo
in to get a lather.

184
00:10:42,883 --> 00:10:45,683
So, where are all these business
investors, ah?

185
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Assalaamu Alaikum.

186
00:10:49,363 --> 00:10:50,843
Walaikum salaam.

187
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I am looking for Amjad Malik.
He's not here.

188
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Mrs Malik, then?
She's not here either.

189
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Can you pass on a message?
Yes, yes, sorry for their loss,

190
00:11:00,483 --> 00:11:02,963
I'll let them know. No, no.

191
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:07,443
I am a business partner of the late
Mr Malik. A business partner?

192
00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:08,723
That is right.

193
00:11:08,723 --> 00:11:10,443
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

194
00:11:10,443 --> 00:11:15,563
Mr Khan, K...H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.

195
00:11:15,563 --> 00:11:20,643
Mr Malik probably mentioned me.
No.

196
00:11:20,643 --> 00:11:23,563
Did he mention him to you? And...

197
00:11:23,563 --> 00:11:27,003
Who might this be?
This is my daughter, Pinky.

198
00:11:29,043 --> 00:11:31,403
Oh, what a lovely name.

199
00:11:31,403 --> 00:11:33,123
Back off.

200
00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:34,603
LAUGHTER

201
00:11:34,603 --> 00:11:35,643
Right.

202
00:11:35,643 --> 00:11:38,763
I'll be looking after all of
Mr Malik's business affairs,

203
00:11:38,763 --> 00:11:42,083
including his savings and
investments, investments mainly.

204
00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:45,803
Well, it is his investments
I want to talk about.

205
00:11:48,603 --> 00:11:50,163
Excellent. Me too.

206
00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:57,083
Actually, gentlemen, now is not
really the right time or place.

207
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,363
Perhaps later, after...
Shut up, Dave.

208
00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:02,963
Let's talk numbers, ah? OK.

209
00:12:03,963 --> 00:12:07,643
Mr Malik owes me 100 lakh.

210
00:12:09,043 --> 00:12:14,563
What? He owes us 100 grand. What?!

211
00:12:14,563 --> 00:12:16,003
He means 100,000 pounds.

212
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,763
Yes, OK, Dave. I do know what it
means, thank you.

213
00:12:20,763 --> 00:12:23,403
But now he is dead.

214
00:12:23,403 --> 00:12:29,123
That means you owe me £100,000.

215
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:32,483
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

216
00:12:32,483 --> 00:12:35,363
One-hundred-thousand-pounds!

217
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,403
LAUGHTER

218
00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:39,243
But there is no rush,

219
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:43,283
so long as you get me the cash by
lunchtime.

220
00:12:43,283 --> 00:12:47,883
Otherwise, Pinky may get very
upset.

221
00:12:47,883 --> 00:12:51,043
And you don't want that, do you?

222
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:54,603
No! And that's a pinky promise.

223
00:12:54,603 --> 00:12:56,443
LAUGHTER

224
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,643
What kind of business partner is he?

225
00:13:02,643 --> 00:13:04,523
He's not a business partner.

226
00:13:05,563 --> 00:13:08,123
He's an illegal bookmaker.

227
00:13:08,123 --> 00:13:09,483
Oh, twaddi.

228
00:13:09,483 --> 00:13:12,923
I wanted an investor, and instead
I've ended up with

229
00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:15,883
a Pakistani Paddy Power!

230
00:13:15,883 --> 00:13:17,603
LAUGHTER

231
00:13:23,843 --> 00:13:27,363
Hi, Babu dhe. Hello, beti.
Isn't it awful about Mr Malik?

232
00:13:27,363 --> 00:13:30,363
Yes. You never know what to say.

233
00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:32,643
When I found out, I texted
Mrs Malik,

234
00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:35,683
OMG, coffin picture, sad face.

235
00:13:35,683 --> 00:13:38,283
LAUGHTER

236
00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:40,963
What did we do before we had
emojis?

237
00:13:40,963 --> 00:13:43,483
Where is she now? She's in the
living room hogging the sofa.

238
00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:45,883
It's like, I know you've lost your
husband and whatever, but,

239
00:13:45,883 --> 00:13:47,723
hello, I've got nowhere to sit.

240
00:13:47,723 --> 00:13:50,643
LAUGHTER

241
00:13:50,643 --> 00:13:54,403
Never mind nowhere to sit. Soon
SHE'S going to have nowhere to live.

242
00:13:54,403 --> 00:13:57,203
What do you mean? Mr Malik was
broke!

243
00:13:58,243 --> 00:14:01,643
The house, the car,
the gold-plated hot tub,

244
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:04,083
none of it was really his.

245
00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:05,923
Just like his hair!

246
00:14:05,923 --> 00:14:08,163
LAUGHTER

247
00:14:08,163 --> 00:14:10,723
So Mrs Malik's not very, very rich?

248
00:14:10,723 --> 00:14:13,763
No, she's very, very poor.

249
00:14:13,763 --> 00:14:14,963
Brilliant!

250
00:14:14,963 --> 00:14:17,043
LAUGHTER

251
00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:19,323
And she has no idea? No.

252
00:14:19,323 --> 00:14:22,883
He kept his secret life of casinos
and showgirls

253
00:14:22,883 --> 00:14:25,323
completely hidden from her.

254
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,923
Wow. I know.

255
00:14:27,923 --> 00:14:30,963
I must admit, I'm liking him more
and more.

256
00:14:30,963 --> 00:14:33,083
LAUGHTER

257
00:14:33,083 --> 00:14:37,083
What are you going to do? I'm going
to have to tell her. Can I come?

258
00:14:37,083 --> 00:14:39,123
LAUGHTER

259
00:14:39,123 --> 00:14:43,203
I'm going to have Italian marble
for the work surfaces

260
00:14:43,203 --> 00:14:46,003
and handmade oak cabinets.

261
00:14:46,003 --> 00:14:49,163
Wow, this new kitchen sounds
amazing.

262
00:14:49,163 --> 00:14:51,243
It's what he would have wanted.

263
00:14:51,243 --> 00:14:52,643
LAUGHTER

264
00:14:52,643 --> 00:14:55,443
We always said, "There's nothing
worse than having to live

265
00:14:55,443 --> 00:14:57,443
"with a cheap and nasty kitchen."

266
00:14:58,483 --> 00:15:00,763
Well, I don't need to tell you.

267
00:15:01,763 --> 00:15:04,083
LAUGHTER

268
00:15:04,083 --> 00:15:06,163
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

269
00:15:06,163 --> 00:15:07,923
Mrs Malik has just been telling me

270
00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:10,083
about the new kitchen she's getting.

271
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,803
Isn't it too soon?

272
00:15:11,803 --> 00:15:14,923
Maybe you should wait before
spending any money.

273
00:15:14,923 --> 00:15:18,403
After all, you never know what
might be round the corner.

274
00:15:18,403 --> 00:15:20,603
Mr Malik certainly didn't.

275
00:15:20,603 --> 00:15:22,563
LAUGHTER

276
00:15:22,563 --> 00:15:26,123
I mean, perhaps you should even
think of downsizing.

277
00:15:26,123 --> 00:15:27,683
Downsizing?

278
00:15:27,683 --> 00:15:29,803
Yes.

279
00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:31,603
In more ways than one.

280
00:15:31,603 --> 00:15:34,043
LAUGHTER

281
00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:37,003
No, look, maybe you should also
think of selling your house, ah?

282
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:39,963
You don't want to be in that big
house all on your own,

283
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,803
you poor thing.

284
00:15:41,803 --> 00:15:44,283
You poor, poor, POOR thing.

285
00:15:44,283 --> 00:15:46,723
LAUGHTER

286
00:15:46,723 --> 00:15:48,843
I don't need to worry about being
alone in the house.

287
00:15:48,843 --> 00:15:51,723
I won't be back there for months.
What?!

288
00:15:51,723 --> 00:15:54,723
I've booked myself on
a Caribbean cruise.

289
00:15:54,723 --> 00:15:56,763
It's what he would have wanted.

290
00:15:56,763 --> 00:15:58,603
LAUGHTER

291
00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:01,243
Won't that be very expensive?

292
00:16:01,243 --> 00:16:04,523
It might seem expensive to
someone of your means.

293
00:16:04,523 --> 00:16:07,003
AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

294
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:09,003
But don't worry...

295
00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:11,123
Mr Malik will have left me in the
money.

296
00:16:11,123 --> 00:16:13,203
He's left you in the something.

297
00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:15,403
LAUGHTER

298
00:16:15,403 --> 00:16:18,883
Well, perhaps it's time we went and
got changed, yes?

299
00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:22,203
Mrs Khan is going to help me dress
for the funeral.

300
00:16:22,203 --> 00:16:25,883
Mr Malik always liked to see me look
a million dollars.

301
00:16:25,883 --> 00:16:27,043
Good luck.

302
00:16:27,043 --> 00:16:29,803
LAUGHTER

303
00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:31,163
Mrs Malik...

304
00:16:32,323 --> 00:16:34,883
There's something I need to tell
you. Yes?

305
00:16:34,883 --> 00:16:36,803
I'm afraid I have some terrible
news,

306
00:16:36,803 --> 00:16:39,043
and it's not that we've run
out of biscuits.

307
00:16:39,043 --> 00:16:40,403
LAUGHTER

308
00:16:40,403 --> 00:16:41,683
What is it?

309
00:16:41,683 --> 00:16:43,683
This might come as a bit of
a shock.

310
00:16:43,683 --> 00:16:48,123
Mr Khan, after all I've been
through, nothing more can shock me.

311
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:52,523
Mr Malik lost all his money to an
illegal bookmaker.

312
00:16:52,523 --> 00:16:54,323
You're completely broke.

313
00:16:57,443 --> 00:16:59,563
LAUGHTER

314
00:16:59,563 --> 00:17:01,923
APPLAUSE

315
00:17:04,843 --> 00:17:06,483
Brilliant!

316
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,523
LAUGHTER

317
00:17:08,523 --> 00:17:09,723
Typical!

318
00:17:09,723 --> 00:17:12,123
You wait years for one Malik to die,

319
00:17:12,123 --> 00:17:14,803
and then two snuff it at
the same time!

320
00:17:14,803 --> 00:17:17,523
LAUGHTER

321
00:17:17,523 --> 00:17:21,163
She's not dead, Babu dhe, she just
fainted. Thank God for that!

322
00:17:21,163 --> 00:17:23,163
We can't afford to bury her as well.

323
00:17:24,203 --> 00:17:26,683
Right. I'll go and get a glass of
water.

324
00:17:26,683 --> 00:17:29,843
You stay here and make sure she
doesn't swallow her tongue.

325
00:17:29,843 --> 00:17:31,763
I wouldn't put it past her.

326
00:17:31,763 --> 00:17:33,283
LAUGHTER

327
00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:34,603
CAMERA CLICKS

328
00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:40,403
Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad.
Where's Mummy?

329
00:17:40,403 --> 00:17:42,523
She's just having
a bit of a lie down.

330
00:17:43,683 --> 00:17:47,203
I just wanted to say thank you for
standing in for me at the mosque.

331
00:17:47,203 --> 00:17:49,883
I owe you one.
You owe a bit more than that.

332
00:17:49,883 --> 00:17:51,523
LAUGHTER

333
00:17:51,523 --> 00:17:54,763
What? Listen, I need to talk to you
about your father's business.

334
00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:57,603
Oh, good. I want to talk about Daddy
too.

335
00:17:57,603 --> 00:18:00,883
I've decided I'm going to say a few
words about him at the funeral.

336
00:18:00,883 --> 00:18:03,563
OK. But about your father's
business...

337
00:18:03,563 --> 00:18:05,283
He was so well respected.

338
00:18:05,283 --> 00:18:08,123
I don't think I can ever live up
to his reputation.

339
00:18:08,123 --> 00:18:11,203
I wouldn't worry too much about
that if I were you.

340
00:18:11,203 --> 00:18:12,643
Now, look, about the business...

341
00:18:12,643 --> 00:18:15,963
He was such a good daddy to
me when I was little.

342
00:18:15,963 --> 00:18:18,683
And he loved little Mo and
baby Nadiya too.

343
00:18:20,123 --> 00:18:23,203
And now he won't ever see
them grow up.

344
00:18:25,083 --> 00:18:27,323
AUDIENCE: Aw.

345
00:18:28,363 --> 00:18:30,563
And they'll never know their
grandad.

346
00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:35,723
But I'll tell them what
a good man he was.

347
00:18:37,363 --> 00:18:39,963
Everybody looked up to him,
didn't they?

348
00:18:43,243 --> 00:18:44,483
Yes, they did.

349
00:18:45,723 --> 00:18:49,483
What did you want to talk to me
about? Nothing, Amjad.

350
00:18:49,483 --> 00:18:52,803
Your father was a great man and
he'd be very proud of you.

351
00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:54,723
Oh...

352
00:18:54,723 --> 00:18:55,763
Oh.

353
00:18:56,963 --> 00:19:00,323
I've just had the most
horrible dream.

354
00:19:00,323 --> 00:19:02,923
I dreamt that Mr Malik had
died and that

355
00:19:02,923 --> 00:19:04,843
he'd gambled away all our money.

356
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,603
Well, your dreams have come true!

357
00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:14,043
LAUGHTER

358
00:19:15,643 --> 00:19:17,763
And Mr Malik really has died!

359
00:19:20,123 --> 00:19:21,723
But...

360
00:19:21,723 --> 00:19:24,723
He didn't lose all your money.
Thank God!

361
00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:26,603
LAUGHTER

362
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,523
Mr Khan?

363
00:19:34,523 --> 00:19:36,803
Just making sure he's looking his
best.

364
00:19:40,363 --> 00:19:43,363
Perfect. We should take the body
to the cemetery now.

365
00:19:43,363 --> 00:19:45,443
Oh, and Mr Gul
is looking for you.

366
00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:49,283
Right. Did you tell Mrs Malik
and Amjad that...you know...

367
00:19:49,283 --> 00:19:54,363
No, I didn't, Dave. I want Amjad to
bury his father with pride.

368
00:19:54,363 --> 00:19:58,963
Well, that's very noble.
So are you going to pay the 100,000?

369
00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:03,483
No blooming way! So who is? I don't
know. No-one has any money.

370
00:20:03,483 --> 00:20:05,643
Well, so, what are you going to
do?

371
00:20:05,643 --> 00:20:08,843
I'll just get Mrs Malik to tell
the Pakistani Paddy Power

372
00:20:08,843 --> 00:20:11,443
that he'll get his money after the
funeral.

373
00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:14,443
What?! How are you going to do that?
Ah-ha!

374
00:20:14,443 --> 00:20:15,883
Allow me to introduce...

375
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:18,683
Mrs Malik!

376
00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:21,163
LAUGHTER

377
00:20:22,203 --> 00:20:24,283
Oh, no.

378
00:20:24,283 --> 00:20:25,843
No, no, no.

379
00:20:25,843 --> 00:20:28,763
What?! It's perfect.

380
00:20:28,763 --> 00:20:30,363
I'll do all the talking,

381
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:34,123
Riaz just has to stand there looking
like a lady.

382
00:20:34,123 --> 00:20:35,563
No problem.

383
00:20:35,563 --> 00:20:38,083
I mean, no problem.

384
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:39,763
LAUGHTER

385
00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:42,203
I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do
this.

386
00:20:42,203 --> 00:20:44,043
Oh, right. What are you saying?

387
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,403
That men shouldn't wear women's
clothes?

388
00:20:46,403 --> 00:20:47,883
Well, no, of course not.

389
00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:49,763
Obviously, I'm in favour of

390
00:20:49,763 --> 00:20:53,883
a non-binary definition of
gender identity.

391
00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:56,123
I thought you might be.

392
00:20:56,123 --> 00:20:59,243
But they'll never believe he's
a woman. I mean, look at him!

393
00:20:59,243 --> 00:21:01,043
LAUGHTER

394
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:03,603
You're right. Thank you. I know what
he needs.

395
00:21:03,603 --> 00:21:05,403
What are you doing?

396
00:21:05,403 --> 00:21:07,283
Boobies.

397
00:21:07,283 --> 00:21:09,683
LAUGHTER

398
00:21:09,683 --> 00:21:11,723
One in there.

399
00:21:12,923 --> 00:21:15,163
There we are. Much better.

400
00:21:15,163 --> 00:21:17,723
KNOCK AT THE DOOR

401
00:21:17,723 --> 00:21:19,963
Assalaamu Alaikum.

402
00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:21,683
BOTH: Walaikum salaam.

403
00:21:21,683 --> 00:21:25,043
If I didn't know any
better, Khan saab,

404
00:21:25,043 --> 00:21:28,363
I would say you have been
avoiding me.

405
00:21:28,363 --> 00:21:30,683
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

406
00:21:30,683 --> 00:21:31,883
Hello.

407
00:21:31,883 --> 00:21:33,003
SHE SOBS

408
00:21:33,003 --> 00:21:37,083
Mr Gul. May I introduce you to
Mrs Malik.

409
00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:39,083
SHE SOBS

410
00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:40,923
Assalaamu Alaikum.

411
00:21:40,923 --> 00:21:42,963
I am so sorry for your loss.

412
00:21:42,963 --> 00:21:44,403
SHE SOBS

413
00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:47,523
She's still too upset to talk.

414
00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:50,523
Of course, I understand.

415
00:21:50,523 --> 00:21:56,203
Mrs Malik is prepared to honour
her husband's debt.

416
00:21:56,203 --> 00:21:58,923
Is that so, Mrs Malik?

417
00:22:00,163 --> 00:22:02,763
LAUGHTER

418
00:22:02,763 --> 00:22:04,883
SHE SOBS

419
00:22:04,883 --> 00:22:11,163
That is acceptable. Perhaps,
when you are ready to move on,

420
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:14,883
we might get to know each other
a little better?

421
00:22:14,883 --> 00:22:16,643
LAUGHTER

422
00:22:16,643 --> 00:22:20,043
All in good time,
all in good time!

423
00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:23,043
This must have come as
a bit of a shock.

424
00:22:23,043 --> 00:22:24,523
You're not kidding!

425
00:22:24,523 --> 00:22:28,843
I must say, he looks pretty good.

426
00:22:28,843 --> 00:22:32,803
The undertaker has done a first-rate
job.

427
00:22:32,803 --> 00:22:35,363
RIAZ: Wow! Thank you very much.

428
00:22:35,363 --> 00:22:37,043
LAUGHTER

429
00:22:37,043 --> 00:22:38,523
Oh, twaddi!

430
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:41,363
I can explain! I want my money!

431
00:22:41,363 --> 00:22:44,643
Hang on, how do we know that
Mr Malik owes you anything?

432
00:22:44,643 --> 00:22:47,483
It's all in here.

433
00:22:47,483 --> 00:22:48,763
LAUGHTER

434
00:22:48,763 --> 00:22:51,963
Look, I haven't got your money.
Then I will get it from the boy.

435
00:22:51,963 --> 00:22:53,523
He will be at the cemetery,

436
00:22:53,523 --> 00:22:57,803
and I will tell him all about what
his daddy was really like.

437
00:22:57,803 --> 00:23:00,443
I can't let you do that! Really?!

438
00:23:00,443 --> 00:23:03,243
I'm going to enjoy this!

439
00:23:03,243 --> 00:23:07,763
No violence, please, this is
a house of God. Cut it, Ron Weasley.

440
00:23:07,763 --> 00:23:08,803
LAUGHTER

441
00:23:08,803 --> 00:23:14,203
Wait! Can I just have something
for Mrs Khan to remember me by?

442
00:23:14,203 --> 00:23:15,683
Like what?

443
00:23:15,683 --> 00:23:16,803
A selfie?

444
00:23:21,203 --> 00:23:23,563
Say cheese!

445
00:23:25,123 --> 00:23:26,963
Wow.

446
00:23:26,963 --> 00:23:29,483
Pinky. Go on, get it!

447
00:23:30,963 --> 00:23:34,843
THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

448
00:23:34,843 --> 00:23:37,603
I will get my money!

449
00:23:37,603 --> 00:23:40,723
Just get back. I told you Muslim
funerals were speedy.

450
00:23:40,723 --> 00:23:44,163
Right, you stay with him,
Dave, go on!

451
00:23:49,163 --> 00:23:52,443
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

452
00:23:52,443 --> 00:23:54,563
Ameen. ALL: Ameen.

453
00:23:55,563 --> 00:23:58,123
Right, come on, come on, Riaz can't
sit on that coffin forever.

454
00:23:58,123 --> 00:24:00,123
Mr Khan, do you know we are supposed
to do the burial

455
00:24:00,123 --> 00:24:01,723
before the imam conducts prayers.

456
00:24:01,723 --> 00:24:03,083
If we don't get a move on, Dave,

457
00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:05,043
there's going to be another
funeral today.

458
00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:07,923
Who's? Mine!

459
00:24:07,923 --> 00:24:09,563
Oh, come on, let's get this filled.

460
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:15,163
The imam wants to know if anybody
would like to say a few words first?

461
00:24:15,163 --> 00:24:17,803
No, we've got to get on with it!
Jaldi, jaldi!

462
00:24:17,803 --> 00:24:20,443
I'd like to say something.

463
00:24:20,443 --> 00:24:21,883
Do you mind, sir?

464
00:24:21,883 --> 00:24:23,123
No.

465
00:24:23,123 --> 00:24:24,283
I don't mind, Amjad.

466
00:24:25,283 --> 00:24:26,683
Whenever you're ready.

467
00:24:28,403 --> 00:24:29,803
Daddy didn't talk much.

468
00:24:30,923 --> 00:24:34,683
And...it was hard to tell what
he was thinking most of the time.

469
00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:40,283
So I don't know if any of us got to
know him really well.

470
00:24:40,283 --> 00:24:46,203
But what I do know is that he loved
me and Mummy very much,

471
00:24:46,203 --> 00:24:48,603
and I never doubted that for
a second.

472
00:24:48,603 --> 00:24:49,843
He was quiet.

473
00:24:52,043 --> 00:24:53,083
And kind.

474
00:24:55,723 --> 00:24:56,763
And he was my hero.

475
00:24:58,123 --> 00:24:59,763
I'm proud of you, budhoo.

476
00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:05,923
I want to go now, beta.

477
00:25:05,923 --> 00:25:07,003
It's OK, Amjad.

478
00:25:07,003 --> 00:25:09,163
You take your mother and the
others back to the house.

479
00:25:09,163 --> 00:25:10,803
I'll take care of the rest, ah?

480
00:25:13,643 --> 00:25:15,563
Go on, go on, go on, go on.

481
00:25:15,563 --> 00:25:17,923
Come on, come on. Jaldi, jaldi,
jaldi. Come on.

482
00:25:17,923 --> 00:25:19,683
LAUGHTER

483
00:25:22,003 --> 00:25:24,043
Mr Khan! What?

484
00:25:27,243 --> 00:25:28,723
Oh, twaddi!

485
00:25:30,483 --> 00:25:32,523
Oh, God!

486
00:25:32,523 --> 00:25:36,083
Come on, budhoo, let's go home.
Shouldn't we wait for Mr Khan?

487
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:39,523
It's OK, beta, I think he's saying
goodbye in his own way. Chalo.

488
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:50,243
Come on, jaldi, jaldi. Jaldi. Come
on! Come on, hurry, hurry.

489
00:25:55,803 --> 00:25:57,163
Help! Help!

490
00:26:00,603 --> 00:26:04,003
IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE:
I mean, help! Help!

491
00:26:04,003 --> 00:26:05,963
LAUGHTER

492
00:26:07,603 --> 00:26:10,363
Where is he? Who? Khan!

493
00:26:11,483 --> 00:26:13,243
I haven't seen him.

494
00:26:13,243 --> 00:26:15,603
Have you seen him? ALL: No.

495
00:26:15,603 --> 00:26:17,563
This isn't over!

496
00:26:18,643 --> 00:26:21,723
POLICE SIREN WAILS

497
00:26:21,723 --> 00:26:24,123
It is now.

498
00:26:24,123 --> 00:26:25,683
LAUGHTER

499
00:26:30,563 --> 00:26:32,883
Are you OK, Mummy?

500
00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:36,363
Ah, I'll miss him, though. Me too.

501
00:26:36,363 --> 00:26:38,683
SHE GASPS

502
00:26:38,683 --> 00:26:43,163
What is it? It's just... There was
something I was going to keep.

503
00:26:43,163 --> 00:26:46,483
To remember him by. What? His...

504
00:26:46,483 --> 00:26:48,643
LAUGHTER

505
00:26:48,643 --> 00:26:51,563
Never mind. It's too late now.

506
00:26:59,403 --> 00:27:02,163
Get me out of here!

507
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:03,923
LAUGHTER