1
00:00:03,163 --> 00:00:07,843
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -
the capital of British Pakistan.

2
00:00:14,363 --> 00:00:15,643
They all know me.

3
00:00:15,643 --> 00:00:16,923
You like my suit?

4
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Number one, Citizen Khan.

5
00:00:23,963 --> 00:00:28,683
Hey! Goal! You know,
this is the best present ever.

6
00:00:28,683 --> 00:00:30,923
It's better than anything Amjad
has given me.

7
00:00:30,923 --> 00:00:34,603
I gave you two grandchildren?
That was mostly Shazia.

8
00:00:34,603 --> 00:00:38,883
I wouldn't stand there
if I were you. You'll get hurt!

9
00:00:38,883 --> 00:00:42,003
I can't believe I've known you guys
for nearly a year now.

10
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You've been so welcoming

11
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- and I know I'm not exactly
what you had in mind for Alia.

12
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Scabby, don't be silly. We all think
you're great. Don't we, Amjad?

13
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He's all right.

14
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Hey, look, I've even
got a Pakistani team, huh?

15
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Look! It's Athletico Rawalpindi!
KHAN LAUGHS

16
00:01:03,003 --> 00:01:04,243
Get in.

17
00:01:04,243 --> 00:01:06,083
Oh, twaddi.

18
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Maybe it's time for a substitution.

19
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Oh...

20
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KHAN LAUGHS

21
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It's Bobby Moore,
Hamid and his cousins.

22
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Hey, do you remember the time we
tried to get into

23
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the Villa Park away, pretending
to be Cardiff City supporters?

24
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THEY LAUGH

25
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All right, boyo?

26
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Hey, if you say in a Pakistani
accent, 'All right, boyo?'

27
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THEY LAUGH

28
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Oh, sir, remember that time
when we tried to get...? No.

29
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Am, for the final time, I wouldn't
stand there if I were you.

30
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Sorry, sir.

31
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Look out for my super shooter!

32
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AMJAD STRAINS

33
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Oh! I missed the ball!

34
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I don't think you did.

35
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I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan!
I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan!

36
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Oh, hello, beti.

37
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Hi.

38
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Ah, it's for Amjad. He hurt...

39
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KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
..he hurt himself.

40
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"Eases pain
and reduces inflammation".

41
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Hm. Oh, well.
You can't have everything, huh?

42
00:02:21,403 --> 00:02:22,723
Everything OK?

43
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I get my exam results today.
Oh, you mean your A-level retakes?

44
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Re-retakes?

45
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Re-re-retakes?

46
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Three takes!

47
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It's getting embarrassing.

48
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I'm never going to get to go
to university. Alia, beti...

49
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It doesn't matter.

50
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I never went to university and look
at me, I turned out all right.

51
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People like us don't need
to go to university.

52
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We just get by
on our looks, huh? Look.

53
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I suppose.

54
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Anyway, you know you can live
with your mummy and daddy

55
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for as long as you want.
I'm not a baby any more, papati.

56
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Of course not, huh?
You're very independent, huh?

57
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Here.

58
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Have some money.

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KHAN LAUGHS

60
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Oh, you know, I remember when your
mother was your age,

61
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she lived at home with
her parents back in Pakistan,

62
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while I was here trying to make my
way, and eventually, she joined me.

63
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We got married and...

64
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we began a whole new life together.

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Just the two of us.

66
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And then, Naani kept visiting and
now we're back where we started.

67
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That's funny, because...

68
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I was thinking I might do
the same thing as you.

69
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You want to put Naani
in a home, too?

70
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No.

71
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I was thinking about...
getting married?

72
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What? Absolutely not! I forbid it!

73
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You don't want me to marry Scab?
Scabby? Of course!

74
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That would be amazeballs. You do
like him, don't you? Like him?

75
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I think he's great.
He's really nice. Huh...

76
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And kind and considerate...

77
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And caring. Yeah.

78
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I like the way he laughs at all
your jokes. Me too.

79
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And the way he makes you
feel better,

80
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even when you're feeling down.

81
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Right.

82
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The other day, Scabby and I,
we took a walk in the park,

83
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feeding the birds, when Scabby
turned round and said...

84
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Anyone would think you were
in love with him.

85
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Not in love with him, sweetie,
we just get on really well and...

86
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I don't know.
It just feels different with him.

87
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So... you approve?

88
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Of course I approve!

89
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You've made me the happiest
man in Sparkhill!

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KHAN LAUGHS

91
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I said, ooh, ah, Alia!
I said ooh, ah, Alia!

92
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KHAN WHOOPS AND LAUGHS

93
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You're not going to believe
what's just happened!

94
00:05:08,843 --> 00:05:11,243
You bought me that's dishwasher
from Currys.

95
00:05:11,243 --> 00:05:13,963
No. Oh. What, then?

96
00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:16,843
Well, after keeping us waiting
for nearly a year,

97
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Alia's finally decided to get
married. Oh, my God!

98
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That's what I said. To Scabby?
Of course to Scabby.

99
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Isn't it amazing? Has he done the
right thing and popped the question?

100
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Not yet, he's probably just waiting
for the right moment to catch me.

101
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Not you! Her!

102
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Oh, right. Well, I'm sure he will,
any minute. How do you know?

103
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Because Alia said that
she wants him to.

104
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And between you and me, she's quite
good at getting what she wants.

105
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Really? Right!
We need to get organised.

106
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What's that? The seating plan
for Alia's wedding.

107
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Hang on.

108
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Mrs Jamil, dead.
Mr Adil, dead. Mrs Adil? Very dead!

109
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That's because I made it
on the day she was born. Huh.

110
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Oh, well. At least it will be
a cheap wedding.

111
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:09,163
No, it won't. There's so much to do.

112
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We have to book a venue, order
invitations, sort the caterers.

113
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We haven't even met his parents yet.
Of course.

114
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We should sit down with them

115
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and make all the important
arrangements,

116
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like how much of the
wedding they're paying for.

117
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Dad, what have you done to Amjad?

118
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He's fine. Here.

119
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Hey, have you heard the exciting
news about Alia and Scabby?

120
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They're getting married. What?
I'm doing the guest list.

121
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We need to organise it early

122
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so it doesn't turn
into a disaster, like...

123
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previous weddings involving
some of our other children.

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KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

125
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You know, I always thought
if ever I were to have

126
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a son-in-law, it would be
someone like Scabby.

127
00:06:46,123 --> 00:06:51,443
Dad... Hm? You do have a son-in-law.
Oh, yes. Sorry, Amjad.

128
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That's OK, sir.

129
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I suppose son-in-laws are just
like your own children, huh?

130
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You make a mistake
with the first one,

131
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but you get it right
the second time around.

132
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No. No, stop it. Stop it!

133
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There they are! The happy couple!

134
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Oh...

135
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Are you waiting for someone
to give you a ring?

136
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KHAN LAUGHS
Leave them alone!

137
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So, Scabby, we were just saying,

138
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maybe it's about time we got
together with your parents.

139
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What? Me and Mr Khan,
we should meet up with your parents.

140
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I'm sure we'll have a lot
to talk about. Um...

141
00:07:30,763 --> 00:07:32,643
Well, you can't. Why not?

142
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They... live out of town, er,
miles away, miles, in fact

143
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and dad, er, drinks and mum
is pretty, you know,

144
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so it's very hard to get them
out the house. OK...

145
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Ooh, erm, yeah, I've got to go,
but thanks. I'll see you.

146
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Khodafez.

147
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Papati! What have you done?

148
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SHAZIA: His parents
don't live out of town.

149
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They live in a swanky bit
of Edgbaston.

150
00:07:59,923 --> 00:08:02,723
They're members of that fancy
country club.

151
00:08:02,723 --> 00:08:04,643
Debbie says they're always
down there.

152
00:08:04,643 --> 00:08:08,243
But why would
he lie about his parents?

153
00:08:08,243 --> 00:08:11,123
Maybe he doesn't want you
to meet them. Why not?

154
00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:13,123
We haven't got a problem with Scab.

155
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:16,243
Maybe they have a problem with Alia.

156
00:08:16,243 --> 00:08:19,003
Maybe she isn't exactly what they
were expecting.

157
00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,723
You mean...? What?

158
00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:22,803
..they don't approve of her? What?

159
00:08:24,563 --> 00:08:26,563
She's not good enough for them!

160
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How dare they! Go on, Amjad!

161
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Huh? Where are we going, sir?
The country club.

162
00:08:31,763 --> 00:08:33,483
Would we be swimming?

163
00:08:33,483 --> 00:08:36,603
Because I should wait till the
swelling goes down?

164
00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:41,283
Maybe you shouldn't get involved?
If it's not meant to be?

165
00:08:41,283 --> 00:08:43,683
Rubbish, I won't let them
stand in the way

166
00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:46,043
of those two
young people's happiness.

167
00:08:46,043 --> 00:08:50,523
She's perfect for him and he's
perfect for me. Her! Her! Her!

168
00:08:50,523 --> 00:08:52,323
Come on!
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

169
00:09:03,323 --> 00:09:07,083
Wow! Look at this place!
It's very exclusive.

170
00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:08,963
It doesn't impress me, Amjad.

171
00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:12,923
All the people in these country
clubs are posh old blazer types. Ha!

172
00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:15,803
You know, part of the old boys
network.

173
00:09:15,803 --> 00:09:18,563
You know what that is,
don't you? I think so.

174
00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:21,083
It's on our cable package, but
Shazia doesn't let

175
00:09:21,083 --> 00:09:22,403
me watch those channels.

176
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LAUGHTER

177
00:09:23,803 --> 00:09:28,203
No! They all go to the same school.
You know, give each other jobs.

178
00:09:28,203 --> 00:09:31,603
They're like one big family,
even bigger than a Pakistani one.

179
00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:33,323
But, sir, you're old and a boy.

180
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,523
Why aren't you part of
the network?

181
00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:38,643
Amjad, the people in these old boy
networks wear stripy ties,

182
00:09:38,643 --> 00:09:41,203
old-fashioned suits and talk in
a funny accent.

183
00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:42,483
They're nothing like me.

184
00:09:42,483 --> 00:09:43,963
LAUGHTER
OK.

185
00:09:43,963 --> 00:09:46,203
They're all probably part of the
Masons, you know,

186
00:09:46,203 --> 00:09:48,483
with rolled-up trousers and the
funny handshakes.

187
00:09:48,483 --> 00:09:49,603
Right.

188
00:09:51,043 --> 00:09:52,323
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

189
00:09:52,323 --> 00:09:56,363
Khan. K, H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.

190
00:09:57,603 --> 00:09:59,203
LAUGHTER

191
00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:02,323
I'm trying to get my hands on
a certain Scabby.

192
00:10:10,723 --> 00:10:12,323
LAUGHTER

193
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:19,683
Oh, I get it. The funny handshake,
fine.

194
00:10:19,683 --> 00:10:21,243
HE SPITS

195
00:10:22,563 --> 00:10:23,963
HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES

196
00:10:25,283 --> 00:10:26,523
Hi, love. Hi.

197
00:10:28,843 --> 00:10:31,683
Have you been waiting long?
Where are we going for lunch?

198
00:10:31,683 --> 00:10:33,283
LAUGHTER

199
00:10:33,283 --> 00:10:35,643
Come on, Amjad. Jaldi. Jaldi.

200
00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:43,243
We've looked everywhere! We can't
give up now.

201
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:46,243
This is my daughter's happiness
we're talking about.

202
00:10:46,243 --> 00:10:49,963
Mr Scabby doesn't think my Pakistani
family's good enough.

203
00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:52,923
Who does he think he is?
Donald Trumps?

204
00:10:52,923 --> 00:10:54,043
LAUGHTER

205
00:10:54,043 --> 00:10:57,323
Maybe he's a racialist.
I'm not going to stand for that.

206
00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,723
When we see him, I'm going to give
him a piece of my mind. Me too.

207
00:11:00,723 --> 00:11:04,843
Good boy. Not too much, though, ah?
You haven't got a lot to spare.

208
00:11:04,843 --> 00:11:07,163
LAUGHTER

209
00:11:07,163 --> 00:11:08,643
What should we say to him?

210
00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:12,123
Well, we'll tell him he's a
snooty nose and a racialist,

211
00:11:12,123 --> 00:11:14,923
and he can take his hoity-toity
country club

212
00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:16,723
and stick it right up his... That!

213
00:11:16,723 --> 00:11:19,843
That's Scab's Dad.
His real name's Mr Rogers.

214
00:11:19,843 --> 00:11:21,203
Well, where is he then?

215
00:11:21,203 --> 00:11:24,483
Maybe he's in the sauna.
The what? The sauna.

216
00:11:24,483 --> 00:11:26,163
You do know what a sauna is?

217
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:27,403
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

218
00:11:27,403 --> 00:11:29,003
Of course!

219
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:32,803
Of course I know what a sauna
is. I'm not an idiot!

220
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:43,883
LAUGHTER

221
00:11:49,963 --> 00:11:51,163
Are you all right?

222
00:11:52,203 --> 00:11:53,923
Yes, thank you.

223
00:11:53,923 --> 00:11:56,163
Aren't you a bit hot?

224
00:11:56,163 --> 00:11:57,523
Noooo.

225
00:12:06,123 --> 00:12:08,363
LAUGHTER
Oh!

226
00:12:10,883 --> 00:12:14,683
You do know this is a sauna?
Of course.

227
00:12:14,683 --> 00:12:18,323
This is how we dress in Pakistani
saunas.

228
00:12:19,443 --> 00:12:22,283
I didn't know saunas were the thing
in Pakistan.

229
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:25,883
Oh, yes! We've got the biggest sauna
in the world.

230
00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:28,243
It's called Karachi.

231
00:12:28,243 --> 00:12:30,483
LAUGHTER

232
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:35,123
THEY LAUGH

233
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:38,363
THEY SIGH

234
00:12:40,883 --> 00:12:45,363
Are you looking for someone?
A snotty posh man. Take your pick.

235
00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:48,923
This place is full of uppity
members.

236
00:12:48,923 --> 00:12:51,283
LAUGHTER

237
00:12:51,283 --> 00:12:53,563
You can say that again.

238
00:12:53,563 --> 00:12:56,843
You seem fairly normal.
Normal for Birmingham, anyway.

239
00:12:56,843 --> 00:12:59,923
THEY LAUGH

240
00:13:01,123 --> 00:13:03,363
But my money is just as good as
theirs.

241
00:13:03,363 --> 00:13:05,083
And I've got a lot more of it.

242
00:13:06,643 --> 00:13:08,883
What line of business are you in?

243
00:13:08,883 --> 00:13:11,963
Taxi driver. You sound like a
Pakistani!

244
00:13:11,963 --> 00:13:14,923
THEY LAUGH

245
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:17,963
When I say driver, I've got my own
private hire firm.

246
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,923
Executive chauffeurs. Oh.

247
00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:23,483
They're all Mercedes. Wow!

248
00:13:25,283 --> 00:13:27,803
Andy Rogers. Pleased to meet you.

249
00:13:27,803 --> 00:13:30,563
Hang on! Your Mr Scabby. Eh?

250
00:13:30,563 --> 00:13:33,763
I'm Mr Khan, Alia's Daddy. Ha!

251
00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:38,003
Fancy meeting you here. I know! Oh,
she's a lovely girl, Alia.

252
00:13:38,003 --> 00:13:40,843
Yeah, we always wondered why we
haven't met her parents.

253
00:13:40,843 --> 00:13:43,603
You know, we thought maybe...
Hello, sir.

254
00:13:43,603 --> 00:13:45,963
LAUGHTER

255
00:13:45,963 --> 00:13:47,923
Hello, Amjad. This is Mr Scabby.

256
00:13:47,923 --> 00:13:49,763
AMJAD GASPS

257
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:52,163
The racialist! What?!

258
00:13:52,163 --> 00:13:56,003
Amjad, no, no. It's OK, sir.
Leave this to me.

259
00:13:57,563 --> 00:13:59,843
Who do you think you are?

260
00:13:59,843 --> 00:14:03,203
Looking down your nose at us. Amjad,
you silly.

261
00:14:03,203 --> 00:14:05,363
What are you talking about?

262
00:14:05,363 --> 00:14:08,083
You said he was a snooty racist.
No, no, no, no.

263
00:14:08,083 --> 00:14:11,843
I didn't! I didn't, I didn't say
that. I didn't say that!

264
00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:14,123
Yes, you did. Don't you remember?

265
00:14:14,123 --> 00:14:17,003
We're going to give him
a piece of our minds.

266
00:14:17,003 --> 00:14:18,763
I don't know what he's
talking about.

267
00:14:18,763 --> 00:14:22,163
Shh.

268
00:14:22,163 --> 00:14:26,563
We're Pakistani. If you don't want
us, we don't want you.

269
00:14:26,563 --> 00:14:29,563
And you can stick your hoity-toity
country club right up your...

270
00:14:29,563 --> 00:14:32,283
Oops! Butterfingers!

271
00:14:32,283 --> 00:14:34,363
Maybe I should be going.

272
00:14:34,363 --> 00:14:36,923
No, wait! It's all been a
misunderstanding.

273
00:14:36,923 --> 00:14:39,283
Whatever you say.

274
00:14:39,283 --> 00:14:40,643
Oh, twaddi!

275
00:14:41,963 --> 00:14:44,283
Are you hot, sir. Of course I'm hot!

276
00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:47,083
They've got the blooming central
heating turned up.

277
00:14:48,283 --> 00:14:50,483
WATER SPLASHES

278
00:14:50,483 --> 00:14:52,003
LAUGHTER

279
00:14:59,203 --> 00:15:02,443
APPLAUSE

280
00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,923
Are you ready? They'll be here any
minute, ah?

281
00:15:04,923 --> 00:15:06,603
Couldn't you have given
me more time?

282
00:15:06,603 --> 00:15:08,763
Why did you have to invite
them round tonight?

283
00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:12,123
Because we want to meet them,
and they want to meet us.

284
00:15:12,123 --> 00:15:14,843
And I might have accidentally called
him a snooty racist.

285
00:15:14,843 --> 00:15:19,403
Oh, my God! It's fine. Just be nice
and give them whatever they want.

286
00:15:19,403 --> 00:15:22,843
They're a very well-off family.
Alia will be set up for life.

287
00:15:22,843 --> 00:15:24,763
You want me to be happy, don't you?

288
00:15:24,763 --> 00:15:26,603
Yes, of course, but...

289
00:15:26,603 --> 00:15:27,923
DOORBELL RINGS

290
00:15:27,923 --> 00:15:29,043
Oh! That's them!

291
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,603
Come in! Come in!

292
00:15:31,603 --> 00:15:35,523
Ooh! What a lovely house! Thank you.

293
00:15:35,523 --> 00:15:36,883
Mrs Khan.

294
00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:40,323
Would you like a pakora?
Oh, yes, please, I love a pakora.

295
00:15:40,323 --> 00:15:44,443
We love a pakora, don't we, And?
We do. We love a pakora. oh, good.

296
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,683
Because we're not racist.

297
00:15:46,683 --> 00:15:50,923
LAUGHTER

298
00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:53,123
No, thank you, sweetie,

299
00:15:53,123 --> 00:15:57,243
These aren't for eating.
We play a game with them.

300
00:15:57,243 --> 00:16:00,083
Have you heard of rock, paper,
scissors?

301
00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:04,003
Well, we play the Pakistani
version. Pakora, paper, scissors.

302
00:16:04,003 --> 00:16:05,523
PAKORA CLUNKS ON PLATE

303
00:16:05,523 --> 00:16:07,323
LAUGHTER

304
00:16:07,323 --> 00:16:08,883
That sounds like fun.

305
00:16:08,883 --> 00:16:11,803
We love learning about different
cultures, don't we, And?

306
00:16:11,803 --> 00:16:15,723
Yeah, we do, yeah. Oh, good.
Because we're not racist.

307
00:16:15,723 --> 00:16:17,803
LAUGHTER

308
00:16:17,803 --> 00:16:20,483
Yes, um, well, please, please.

309
00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:26,083
And about earlier, that was all a
misunderstanding, ah?

310
00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:30,403
I didn't really think you were
racist. I thought you were posh.

311
00:16:30,403 --> 00:16:33,363
But, obviously, you're not posh,

312
00:16:33,363 --> 00:16:36,323
I mean, you're actually very common.

313
00:16:36,323 --> 00:16:40,243
Not, not common! You're all white!

314
00:16:40,243 --> 00:16:43,363
All right! All right! Right.

315
00:16:43,363 --> 00:16:44,403
Right.

316
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:46,563
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

317
00:16:46,563 --> 00:16:49,363
Would you like something to
drink? Good idea.

318
00:16:49,363 --> 00:16:52,323
I fancy a cocktail.
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any...

319
00:16:52,323 --> 00:16:55,963
No! We can do cocktails.
No problem. What?! Are you sure?

320
00:16:55,963 --> 00:16:57,803
I mean, what with you being Muslim.

321
00:16:57,803 --> 00:17:00,683
Oh! Muslim Shuslim!

322
00:17:00,683 --> 00:17:02,323
LAUGHTER

323
00:17:02,323 --> 00:17:05,523
Well, you know, we wouldn't want to
be culturally insensitive.

324
00:17:05,523 --> 00:17:06,963
Oh! Stop being a grumpy drawers,

325
00:17:06,963 --> 00:17:08,963
they're obviously just not very
strict.

326
00:17:08,963 --> 00:17:10,963
You're just not very strict, are
you?

327
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,523
Exactly. We're just not very
strict.

328
00:17:13,523 --> 00:17:18,483
We love the alcohols and
this beard...

329
00:17:18,483 --> 00:17:19,963
hipster.

330
00:17:19,963 --> 00:17:21,243
LAUGHTER

331
00:17:22,643 --> 00:17:25,163
Oh, go on, then,
I'll have a cocktail too.

332
00:17:25,163 --> 00:17:27,203
Yes, something with a bit of a kick
to it.

333
00:17:27,203 --> 00:17:28,923
No problem. You can't...

334
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:33,763
Shut up, sweetie. Are you mad?! We
can't give them cocktails to drink.

335
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:38,123
It's haram. They're our guests.
We need to make them feel at home.

336
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,963
GLASSES CHINK

337
00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:42,163
It's for Alia, remember.

338
00:17:42,163 --> 00:17:44,843
But we don't have any alcohol in the
house.

339
00:17:44,843 --> 00:17:46,203
Oh, you must have something.

340
00:17:46,203 --> 00:17:49,003
What about the stuff you clean the
windows with, ah?

341
00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:51,843
You can't give them cleaning fluid
to drink. Why not?

342
00:17:51,843 --> 00:17:53,323
You gave them rocks to eat.

343
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:54,803
LAUGHTER

344
00:17:54,803 --> 00:17:59,043
Nanny's cough syrup. What?!
Where is the medicine box?

345
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:01,603
Here we are. Oh, twaddi.

346
00:18:03,403 --> 00:18:06,883
She's got enough in there to keep
her going for another 80 years!

347
00:18:06,883 --> 00:18:09,603
LAUGHTER

348
00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:14,803
Ah, here we are. What are you
doing?!

349
00:18:18,683 --> 00:18:22,243
Shouldn't it be fizzy?
Beers and G & T's are fizzy.

350
00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:25,563
I really don't think we
should do this. Aha!

351
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,443
Hm-mm-mm!

352
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:31,483
Here we are. That'll sort it.

353
00:18:33,323 --> 00:18:35,323
Ah, look at that!

354
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,683
Needs to be more fizzy.
Think of champagne.

355
00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:41,963
Champagne is always fizzy, ah?

356
00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:43,963
You're going to tell them this
is champagne?

357
00:18:43,963 --> 00:18:47,603
Pakistani champagne like French
champagne, but browner.

358
00:18:47,603 --> 00:18:49,043
LAUGHTER

359
00:18:49,043 --> 00:18:51,363
This will do it. Alka-Seltzer. No!

360
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:54,363
No! Beti, trust me, I know what I'm
doing.

361
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:59,123
LAUGHTER

362
00:19:00,803 --> 00:19:03,203
HE HUMS

363
00:19:03,203 --> 00:19:05,203
Perfect.

364
00:19:05,203 --> 00:19:08,883
Here we are. Get stuck into that.

365
00:19:10,523 --> 00:19:14,203
ALL: Cheers.

366
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,683
LAUGHTER

367
00:19:18,683 --> 00:19:19,803
Interesting.

368
00:19:21,483 --> 00:19:23,603
It's Pakistani champagne.

369
00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:25,723
Mm, it tastes more like a liqueur,
doesn't it, And?

370
00:19:25,723 --> 00:19:28,483
It does, it tastes more like a
liqueur.

371
00:19:28,483 --> 00:19:31,243
It's a Pakistani champagne liqueur.

372
00:19:32,283 --> 00:19:34,483
Oh, it's gone straight to
my head.

373
00:19:34,483 --> 00:19:36,403
Reminds me of being on holiday.

374
00:19:36,403 --> 00:19:38,643
All them fancy drinks you
get out there.

375
00:19:38,643 --> 00:19:42,483
What's that stuff we drink
in Marbs, And? Oh, I can't remember.

376
00:19:42,483 --> 00:19:45,403
Oh, that's what happens if you
drink too much of it.

377
00:19:45,403 --> 00:19:48,883
SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

378
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:52,323
MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

379
00:19:55,083 --> 00:19:56,763
We love Marbs, don't we, babes?

380
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,723
We do. We love Marbs.

381
00:19:58,723 --> 00:20:01,483
Oh, we love it too!

382
00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:03,763
Have you been there for your
holiday? Oh, yes.

383
00:20:03,763 --> 00:20:07,083
We love going to Marbs,
don't we, babes?

384
00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:09,683
LAUGHTER

385
00:20:09,683 --> 00:20:11,243
Babes?!

386
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,883
I thought you'd more likely be down
the mosque.

387
00:20:13,883 --> 00:20:15,803
What's a mosque?

388
00:20:15,803 --> 00:20:18,963
THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

389
00:20:18,963 --> 00:20:21,443
MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

390
00:20:23,843 --> 00:20:28,603
Ohhh, dear. Well, I have to say,
you're not at all like we imagined.

391
00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:31,003
They're not at all like we imagined,
are they?

392
00:20:31,003 --> 00:20:32,803
No, you're not at all like
we imagined.

393
00:20:32,803 --> 00:20:34,563
We're not at all like they imagined.

394
00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:37,723
You know, I've been reading up about
Islam,

395
00:20:37,723 --> 00:20:40,923
and you're very big on charity,
aren't you? Oh, yes.

396
00:20:40,923 --> 00:20:42,923
It's one of the five pillars.

397
00:20:42,923 --> 00:20:45,243
And Suz and I, we've got a lot of
money, haven't we?

398
00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:47,123
We have got a lot of money.

399
00:20:47,123 --> 00:20:50,643
And we were thinking, one day, we
might give it all to charity.

400
00:20:50,643 --> 00:20:52,283
No!

401
00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:56,763
Let's not forget the little-known
sixth pillar of Islam.

402
00:20:57,963 --> 00:21:02,043
Those that shall
have loads of money...

403
00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,283
LAUGHTER

404
00:21:05,563 --> 00:21:08,483
..shall give it unto their kinneth

405
00:21:08,483 --> 00:21:11,723
and also unto their in-laws.

406
00:21:13,003 --> 00:21:16,003
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

407
00:21:16,003 --> 00:21:18,763
MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

408
00:21:18,763 --> 00:21:23,043
Would you like another drink?
Good idea. No, thanks, Mrs K.

409
00:21:23,043 --> 00:21:24,763
Hiya. Oh, Scabby!

410
00:21:26,083 --> 00:21:29,963
What's going on? Oh, Scabby.
Mummy and Daddy have come round.

411
00:21:29,963 --> 00:21:32,003
Whatever they've done,
I'm so sorry.

412
00:21:32,003 --> 00:21:34,443
Uh-oh, And, he's got his little
sulky face on.

413
00:21:34,443 --> 00:21:36,923
He's never liked us meeting
his friends.

414
00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:38,603
He thinks we're embarrassing.

415
00:21:38,603 --> 00:21:41,243
There's no need to be embarrassed
about your parents.

416
00:21:41,243 --> 00:21:44,403
We think they're great.
Oh, that's so nice.

417
00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:47,403
We think you're great too,
don't we, And? We do.

418
00:21:47,403 --> 00:21:49,323
We think you're great.

419
00:21:49,323 --> 00:21:52,523
You see? We're one big happy family.

420
00:21:52,523 --> 00:21:54,683
Well, actually, that is pretty good
news

421
00:21:54,683 --> 00:21:56,243
because there is something

422
00:21:56,243 --> 00:21:58,523
I've been meaning to ask
you for quite a while now.

423
00:21:58,523 --> 00:22:00,563
Yes?

424
00:22:00,563 --> 00:22:04,163
Now, I know I'm not exactly the
son-in-law you were expecting,

425
00:22:04,163 --> 00:22:07,923
but I was hoping to get your
permission to ask Alia to marry me.

426
00:22:07,923 --> 00:22:09,883
I do!

427
00:22:09,883 --> 00:22:11,243
LAUGHTER

428
00:22:11,243 --> 00:22:15,723
What?! Yes, I mean, of course.
MRS KHAN: Oh, my God.

429
00:22:15,723 --> 00:22:18,083
I knew it, I knew he was going to
propose.

430
00:22:18,083 --> 00:22:20,763
She's got a sixth sense when it
comes to romance.

431
00:22:20,763 --> 00:22:23,803
What if she doesn't want to get
married? Oh, she does.

432
00:22:23,803 --> 00:22:26,363
She does want to. She told me.
Really?

433
00:22:26,363 --> 00:22:30,283
Only because I have actually been
carrying round this ring

434
00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:31,923
for a very long time now,

435
00:22:31,923 --> 00:22:34,123
and it just never quite seems to be
the right moment.

436
00:22:34,123 --> 00:22:38,483
Hey, Scabby! Now is the
right moment!

437
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,083
Oh, don't she look lovely?

438
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:42,483
You can see where she gets her looks
from.

439
00:22:42,483 --> 00:22:44,403
Thank you.

440
00:22:44,403 --> 00:22:46,443
LAUGHTER

441
00:22:46,443 --> 00:22:49,603
Shazia looks more like her mother.

442
00:22:49,603 --> 00:22:53,163
Alia, beti, Scabby has something
he'd like to ask you.

443
00:22:56,443 --> 00:22:59,763
I've been meaning to ask this for
a long time now.

444
00:22:59,763 --> 00:23:01,603
I was just wondering...

445
00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:04,723
..Alia...

446
00:23:06,363 --> 00:23:07,443
..will you marry me?

447
00:23:09,523 --> 00:23:11,603
AUDIENCE: Awww!

448
00:23:11,603 --> 00:23:13,203
No!

449
00:23:13,203 --> 00:23:15,923
LAUGHTER

450
00:23:17,763 --> 00:23:19,643
Would you excuse me a moment?

451
00:23:20,843 --> 00:23:24,643
HE SHOUTS IN URDU

452
00:23:24,643 --> 00:23:27,123
Alia, what's going on?

453
00:23:27,123 --> 00:23:29,523
Did you not understand the question?

454
00:23:29,523 --> 00:23:31,323
Of course I understood the question.

455
00:23:31,323 --> 00:23:33,523
But Scabby's got a ring and
everything.

456
00:23:33,523 --> 00:23:37,643
Then he'll just have to take it
back. Alia, what are you doing?

457
00:23:37,643 --> 00:23:40,523
You said you liked him. I do.

458
00:23:40,523 --> 00:23:43,283
And you told me
you wanted to get married.

459
00:23:43,283 --> 00:23:45,523
Yeah, but that's not what I meant.

460
00:23:45,523 --> 00:23:48,323
What else does getting married mean?

461
00:23:48,323 --> 00:23:51,163
It's just... The thing is...

462
00:23:52,523 --> 00:23:54,403
..I got my exam results.

463
00:23:54,403 --> 00:23:58,443
It's OK, beti, you just take them
again, like you always do.

464
00:23:58,443 --> 00:24:00,843
No, you don't understand.

465
00:24:00,843 --> 00:24:03,563
I passed them. You did WHAT?!

466
00:24:03,563 --> 00:24:05,363
LAUGHTER

467
00:24:05,363 --> 00:24:07,763
I passed them! What? ALL of them?!

468
00:24:09,363 --> 00:24:13,403
Alia, beti! I'm so proud of you!

469
00:24:13,403 --> 00:24:14,483
Thanks, papati.

470
00:24:14,483 --> 00:24:16,363
It means I can go to university.

471
00:24:16,363 --> 00:24:19,723
My little girl's going to
university!

472
00:24:19,723 --> 00:24:22,163
The first one in our family.

473
00:24:22,163 --> 00:24:24,523
Shazia went to uni. That doesn't
count.

474
00:24:24,523 --> 00:24:26,403
LAUGHTER

475
00:24:26,403 --> 00:24:28,283
So, which one are you
going to go to?

476
00:24:28,283 --> 00:24:31,483
Birmingham City University
or The University of Birmingham?

477
00:24:31,483 --> 00:24:33,723
Neither. But none of the rest
are in Birmingham!

478
00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:37,243
I know! I got a place at one called
Glasgow. I think it's in Wales.

479
00:24:37,243 --> 00:24:39,723
LAUGHTER

480
00:24:39,723 --> 00:24:43,323
All right. So that's why I don't
need to get married.

481
00:24:43,323 --> 00:24:45,083
I don't understand.

482
00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:47,563
I'm living at home with my parents.

483
00:24:47,563 --> 00:24:50,123
I felt like I was going to be stuck
here forever.

484
00:24:50,123 --> 00:24:53,003
Stuck? You know what I mean.

485
00:24:53,003 --> 00:24:55,603
I can't always be Daddy's girl.

486
00:24:55,603 --> 00:24:56,763
Oh...

487
00:24:56,763 --> 00:24:58,683
AUDIENCE: Awww.

488
00:24:58,683 --> 00:25:00,203
I need a bit of freedom.

489
00:25:01,443 --> 00:25:06,003
I thought getting married was going
to be my only chance to get it.

490
00:25:06,003 --> 00:25:07,883
I see.

491
00:25:07,883 --> 00:25:09,803
I'm sorry.

492
00:25:09,803 --> 00:25:11,763
You do understand, don't you?

493
00:25:11,763 --> 00:25:14,003
I do. I do understand, Alia, beti.

494
00:25:15,323 --> 00:25:19,603
After all, I am your papati.

495
00:25:19,603 --> 00:25:21,323
AUDIENCE: Awww.

496
00:25:21,323 --> 00:25:24,523
But for future reference,
if you're looking for freedom,

497
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,963
getting married
doesn't have very much.

498
00:25:26,963 --> 00:25:29,483
LAUGHTER

499
00:25:33,963 --> 00:25:35,563
Well?

500
00:25:35,563 --> 00:25:37,643
You know, when you think about it,

501
00:25:37,643 --> 00:25:41,083
are you sure you even want to get
married? Oh, my God!

502
00:25:41,083 --> 00:25:44,843
It's us, isn't it? A bit too common
for you, are we?

503
00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:47,603
What? Not sophisticated enough.

504
00:25:47,603 --> 00:25:52,123
Just cos we've got gold-plated
mixer taps in the toilet. No.

505
00:25:52,123 --> 00:25:54,723
I'd love to have gold-plated...

506
00:25:54,723 --> 00:25:57,563
Anyway, we're much more common than
you are.

507
00:25:57,563 --> 00:25:58,963
Especially her.

508
00:25:58,963 --> 00:26:00,883
SHE SPEAKS URDU

509
00:26:00,883 --> 00:26:03,963
See? Well, what is it then? It's me.

510
00:26:06,283 --> 00:26:09,323
Alia... I'm sorry, I really am.

511
00:26:09,323 --> 00:26:12,243
You know how I feel about you.
Then, why?

512
00:26:12,243 --> 00:26:15,883
I passed my retakes.
I'm going away to university.

513
00:26:15,883 --> 00:26:17,523
I can't believe this.

514
00:26:17,523 --> 00:26:20,163
MRS KHAN: Neither can I!
You passed your retakes?!

515
00:26:20,163 --> 00:26:22,483
LAUGHTER

516
00:26:22,483 --> 00:26:24,843
We could still make it work.

517
00:26:24,843 --> 00:26:26,083
Yeah.

518
00:26:27,083 --> 00:26:29,283
Not really, though.

519
00:26:29,283 --> 00:26:31,923
Long distance relationships never
really work out.

520
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:33,883
LAUGHTER

521
00:26:33,883 --> 00:26:37,883
Oh, Scabby, my poor baby.
Come on, son, let's go.

522
00:26:37,883 --> 00:26:39,883
We know when we're not welcome.

523
00:26:39,883 --> 00:26:42,203
I guess a five-bedroom
executive home

524
00:26:42,203 --> 00:26:46,203
and an S-class Mercedes isn't
good enough for some people.

525
00:26:46,203 --> 00:26:47,803
LAUGHTER

526
00:26:47,803 --> 00:26:52,883
No, listen, Scabby, just because you
and Alia have broken up,

527
00:26:52,883 --> 00:26:55,203
we can still be friends, ah?

528
00:26:55,203 --> 00:26:58,483
Yeah, that never really works out
either, though, does it?

529
00:27:03,483 --> 00:27:05,603
# I feel it in my fingers... #

530
00:27:05,603 --> 00:27:08,003
HE CRIES

531
00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:09,443
Are you OK?

532
00:27:11,323 --> 00:27:12,723
SOBS: I'm OK!

533
00:27:13,843 --> 00:27:15,203
Aw.

534
00:27:15,203 --> 00:27:18,083
I just really, really liked him.

535
00:27:18,083 --> 00:27:22,043
Aw. I thought it could be forever!

536
00:27:22,043 --> 00:27:23,323
I know.

537
00:27:24,683 --> 00:27:27,803
But it's OK, you can still play
football.

538
00:27:27,803 --> 00:27:30,443
Huh? With Amjad.

539
00:27:30,443 --> 00:27:33,723
HE HOWLS

540
00:27:36,643 --> 00:27:40,163
# So if you really love me

541
00:27:40,163 --> 00:27:42,763
# Come on and let it show... #