1
00:00:02,923 --> 00:00:08,003
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

2
00:00:14,323 --> 00:00:16,723
They all know me.
Do you like my suit?

3
00:00:18,443 --> 00:00:20,883
Number one, Citizen Khan.

4
00:00:24,643 --> 00:00:29,603
Are you ready? I've been ready
for five hours. We're late. I know.

5
00:00:29,603 --> 00:00:32,883
Alia's going to miss registration
on her first day at university.

6
00:00:32,883 --> 00:00:36,443
It's OK, we're all set,
the car is full of petrol

7
00:00:36,443 --> 00:00:39,283
and I've set the satnav for Glasgow.

8
00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:44,563
Now, come on. Oh, I can't believe
our baby is leaving us.

9
00:00:44,563 --> 00:00:48,163
She's too young. Do you think
she'll have a nice time in Scotland?

10
00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:51,243
Sweetie, nobody has a nice time
in Scotland.

11
00:00:52,843 --> 00:00:56,683
We're ready. Hello, sir.
Why are they coming?

12
00:00:56,683 --> 00:00:59,203
I want the whole family
to see Alia off.

13
00:00:59,203 --> 00:01:02,043
It might be the last time
we'll be together.

14
00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:05,403
And what about Little Mo
and baby Nadia?

15
00:01:05,403 --> 00:01:08,363
Where are we going to put them,
in the glove compartment?

16
00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:10,683
Amjad's mum is looking after them.

17
00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:12,603
Why is Mrs Malik looking after them?

18
00:01:12,603 --> 00:01:16,443
I want to look after them.
I want to look after everybody!

19
00:01:17,523 --> 00:01:21,643
This is going to be a long day.

20
00:01:23,723 --> 00:01:26,923
And it's just got longer.

21
00:01:26,923 --> 00:01:28,683
She's so excited.

22
00:01:28,683 --> 00:01:30,443
I don't want to go.

23
00:01:30,443 --> 00:01:32,803
It's so nice of you to come, Naani.

24
00:01:32,803 --> 00:01:34,923
Is nobody listening to me?

25
00:01:34,923 --> 00:01:37,883
It's OK, Naanijan,
I'm listening to you.

26
00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:40,603
And I don't want you to go either.

27
00:01:40,603 --> 00:01:41,963
Then I'm coming.

28
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:46,603
Heh! Right, fine,
just everyone get in the car.

29
00:01:46,603 --> 00:01:48,403
HE CHIVVIES THEM ON

30
00:01:48,403 --> 00:01:50,003
Aren't you forgetting someone?

31
00:01:50,003 --> 00:01:52,523
How can I be possibly
be forgetting anyone?

32
00:01:52,523 --> 00:01:53,923
Hiya.

33
00:01:56,043 --> 00:01:58,763
Hello, beti, are you ready?

34
00:01:58,763 --> 00:02:01,963
Yeah. Perfect.
Right, everyone happy?

35
00:02:01,963 --> 00:02:03,483
Let's go.

36
00:02:03,483 --> 00:02:05,763
No, I can't bear it!

37
00:02:05,763 --> 00:02:09,203
My baby girl is leaving me.
Don't leave me!

38
00:02:09,203 --> 00:02:11,403
Papaji!

39
00:02:11,403 --> 00:02:14,763
It's OK, beti, I'll sort this out.
Come on, darling, come on.

40
00:02:14,763 --> 00:02:15,963
Now, come on.

41
00:02:15,963 --> 00:02:20,443
If everyone just does as I say,
there'll be no problems at all.

42
00:02:21,803 --> 00:02:23,803
Come on!

43
00:02:35,763 --> 00:02:37,603
Well?

44
00:02:37,603 --> 00:02:39,523
ENGINE SPLUTTERS

45
00:02:42,403 --> 00:02:44,283
It's broken.

46
00:02:44,283 --> 00:02:47,363
What do you expect?
We're carrying too much weight.

47
00:02:47,363 --> 00:02:50,403
I could tell
the old girl was struggling
the minute we left the house.

48
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:53,523
We should have given her
an extra blanket.

49
00:02:57,963 --> 00:02:59,643
I'm talking about the car.

50
00:02:59,643 --> 00:03:02,003
Is she all right back there?

51
00:03:02,003 --> 00:03:04,123
She's fine, she likes it.

52
00:03:04,123 --> 00:03:05,563
You know back home,

53
00:03:05,563 --> 00:03:08,483
my father had an old British
motorcycle with a sidecar.

54
00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:10,683
They were like
a Pakistani Wallace and Gromit.

55
00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:14,803
More paneer, Gromit.

56
00:03:16,003 --> 00:03:18,003
So, what are we going to do?

57
00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:21,323
We'll just unhook the trailer, she
can take her chances hitchhiking.

58
00:03:21,323 --> 00:03:23,243
About the car?

59
00:03:23,243 --> 00:03:26,483
Because of course you haven't got
any breakdown cover.

60
00:03:26,483 --> 00:03:29,643
Because they're a waste of money.
You never use them.

61
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,363
Until now.

62
00:03:31,363 --> 00:03:34,323
We can all be wise after the event,
sweetie.

63
00:03:34,323 --> 00:03:37,123
I wish for once
you would be wise before the event.

64
00:03:37,123 --> 00:03:39,963
Calm down, my darling.

65
00:03:39,963 --> 00:03:44,403
My mate Mr Mohammed has got
a tow truck.

66
00:03:48,123 --> 00:03:51,403
Hello!
Salaam aleikum, Mr Mohammed.

67
00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:52,763
Voicemail.

68
00:03:54,243 --> 00:03:59,883
Mr Khan speaking. Now, listen, we're
just outside Wolverhampton on A449.

69
00:03:59,883 --> 00:04:03,283
I need you to come and give us
a tow. Call me back.

70
00:04:07,043 --> 00:04:08,883
What now? We wait.

71
00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:12,883
Am I going to get to go
to university, Papaji?

72
00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:14,283
Of course, beti.

73
00:04:14,283 --> 00:04:18,203
Don't you remember the promise
I made you all those years ago?

74
00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:25,563
'It was the very day you were born.
All the way back in 1996.'

75
00:04:26,563 --> 00:04:28,363
You can come in now.

76
00:04:28,363 --> 00:04:30,843
Do you promise
not to swear at me again?

77
00:04:30,843 --> 00:04:32,683
I promise.

78
00:04:32,683 --> 00:04:35,003
Oh, perfect!

79
00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:37,403
Just perfect.

80
00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:40,083
A little brother for Shazia.

81
00:04:40,083 --> 00:04:42,803
Not brother - sister.

82
00:04:42,803 --> 00:04:44,243
What?

83
00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:45,603
It's a girl.

84
00:04:45,603 --> 00:04:47,003
Another one?

85
00:04:47,003 --> 00:04:48,363
Haan.

86
00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:51,163
Ah, she is beautiful.

87
00:04:52,243 --> 00:04:53,603
Where's Shazia?

88
00:04:53,603 --> 00:04:54,923
She's downstairs.

89
00:04:54,923 --> 00:04:57,163
We've been watching
The Lion King on video...

90
00:04:57,163 --> 00:05:00,163
for the 758th time.

91
00:05:01,563 --> 00:05:06,683
Ah, this is a proud moment
in the Khan family life.

92
00:05:06,683 --> 00:05:09,043
A new child.

93
00:05:10,323 --> 00:05:12,483
# It's the circle

94
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:15,603
# The circle of life! #

95
00:05:15,603 --> 00:05:17,403
HE LAUGHS

96
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,723
What shall we call her?

97
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:21,923
Simba.

98
00:05:21,923 --> 00:05:23,763
Simba?

99
00:05:23,763 --> 00:05:25,043
Not Simba.

100
00:05:26,203 --> 00:05:27,443
Alia.

101
00:05:27,443 --> 00:05:29,763
Alia, ha.

102
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:33,123
PHONE RINGS
Oh, my mobile phone.

103
00:05:41,683 --> 00:05:43,123
Hello?

104
00:05:43,123 --> 00:05:45,043
Naani!

105
00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:48,083
What are you calling me
on the mobile for?

106
00:05:48,083 --> 00:05:50,283
It costs a blooming bomb!

107
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,563
Call me on the landline.

108
00:05:54,043 --> 00:05:56,323
Honestly, your mother!

109
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:59,763
BABY GRIZZLES
Oh, she likes the phone.

110
00:05:59,763 --> 00:06:02,923
Alia, beti, I promise,

111
00:06:02,923 --> 00:06:05,163
as you grow up,

112
00:06:05,163 --> 00:06:08,403
I'll give you the best start
in life,

113
00:06:08,403 --> 00:06:13,243
the best opportunities
and the best education.

114
00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:17,043
But you won't need one of these.

115
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:21,283
Imagine a world where all
the children had mobile phones.

116
00:06:25,163 --> 00:06:28,323
Your father will never let you down,
beti.

117
00:06:28,323 --> 00:06:30,763
PHONE PLAYS BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

118
00:06:30,763 --> 00:06:33,723
Ah, here he is, Mr Mohammed.

119
00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:36,763
He'll sort us out,
he knows me of old.

120
00:06:38,403 --> 00:06:40,803
Waleikum assalam, Mr Mohammed.

121
00:06:42,563 --> 00:06:44,283
Perfect.

122
00:06:44,283 --> 00:06:46,323
Fantastic.

123
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,363
Marvellous, marvellous.

124
00:06:48,363 --> 00:06:51,443
OK, see you then. OK, bye.

125
00:06:53,243 --> 00:06:56,403
He'll be five hours,
we're bottom of his list.

126
00:06:56,403 --> 00:06:58,203
I thought you said
he knows you of old.

127
00:06:58,203 --> 00:07:00,603
Yes, that's why
we're bottom of his list.

128
00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:02,443
Alia's going to miss
her registration.

129
00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:04,803
What are we going to do?
This is all your fault.

130
00:07:06,923 --> 00:07:08,763
Aha!

131
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:12,723
Right, come on, you lot, get
the bags and wait over there. Why?

132
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,643
That lorry is going to give us
a lift.

133
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,363
How do you know
he's going to Scotland?

134
00:07:17,963 --> 00:07:20,123
Lucky guess.

135
00:07:21,603 --> 00:07:23,443
I'll sort this out.

136
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,563
I know what I'm doing,
it'll be fine,

137
00:07:25,563 --> 00:07:27,443
you worry too much, you people.

138
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,683
HE HAWKS

139
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:39,003
Salaam aleikum.
What do you want?

140
00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:44,683
I was wondering, could you give me
and my family a lift in your lorry?

141
00:07:46,483 --> 00:07:48,203
You must be joking, pal.

142
00:07:48,203 --> 00:07:51,843
It's OK, we're Pakistani,
not Romanians.

143
00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:56,443
I don't care where you're from,
you're not getting in my lorry.

144
00:07:56,443 --> 00:08:00,043
Oh, come on, we love the Scotlands.

145
00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:02,523
Some of my best friends are ginger.

146
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:04,003
Well, when I say friends...

147
00:08:04,003 --> 00:08:06,203
Do you know Dave?

148
00:08:06,203 --> 00:08:08,323
Forget it.

149
00:08:10,003 --> 00:08:11,203
I voted leave.

150
00:08:11,203 --> 00:08:13,363
So did I!

151
00:08:15,883 --> 00:08:19,363
Well? Am I going to get there
in time, Papaji?

152
00:08:23,123 --> 00:08:24,643
Of course you are, beti.

153
00:08:24,643 --> 00:08:29,203
It's all sorted, come on, come on.
Come on. Come on, here we are.

154
00:08:31,483 --> 00:08:33,323
Here we are. Are you sure it's OK?

155
00:08:33,323 --> 00:08:36,323
Of course, the driver said
it's no trouble.

156
00:08:36,323 --> 00:08:38,043
We can't get in there.

157
00:08:38,043 --> 00:08:40,083
Yes, we can.
Amjad will help us,

158
00:08:40,083 --> 00:08:43,163
but we've got to be quick,
the driver is in a hurry. Come on.

159
00:08:46,243 --> 00:08:47,683
Come on, come on.

160
00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:52,163
Amjad, what are you doing?

161
00:09:02,603 --> 00:09:05,723
Oh, my God! I can't see anything.

162
00:09:05,723 --> 00:09:09,363
Calm down, there must be
a light switch somewhere.

163
00:09:09,363 --> 00:09:11,523
Here, what's this?

164
00:09:11,523 --> 00:09:13,283
Oh!

165
00:09:13,283 --> 00:09:15,083
There we are.

166
00:09:15,083 --> 00:09:17,643
I told you everything
would be all right.

167
00:09:17,643 --> 00:09:21,203
We'll be in Bonnie Scotland
before you know it,

168
00:09:21,203 --> 00:09:24,443
eating bagpipes
and playing the haggises.

169
00:09:24,443 --> 00:09:26,883
Have some chai, Naani. Nahin.

170
00:09:26,883 --> 00:09:28,523
We have to keep you hydrated.

171
00:09:28,523 --> 00:09:31,603
We don't want her too hydrated,
sweetie, it's a long journey.

172
00:09:32,723 --> 00:09:35,963
You've got to phone the university
to tell them we might be
running late.

173
00:09:35,963 --> 00:09:37,683
And I need the phone Mrs Malik.

174
00:09:37,683 --> 00:09:40,603
I want to check she's not filling
Little Mo full of biscuits.

175
00:09:40,603 --> 00:09:43,843
It's OK, ladoo,
Mummy doesn't share biscuits.

176
00:09:45,563 --> 00:09:48,803
I can't get a signal.
Have you got a signal, budhoo?

177
00:09:48,803 --> 00:09:52,803
Ssh! I think there's a Pidgey
in one of these crates.

178
00:09:52,803 --> 00:09:55,003
What the flip's a Pidgey?

179
00:09:55,003 --> 00:09:58,483
He's playing Pokemon, him
and Little Mo are obsessed with it.

180
00:09:58,483 --> 00:10:00,923
It beats loads of other Pokemon
characters.

181
00:10:00,923 --> 00:10:03,403
A Pidgey can even beat a Gastly.

182
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,523
SLURPING

183
00:10:05,523 --> 00:10:07,923
Which one of them beats a naani?

184
00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:11,723
Wow!

185
00:10:11,723 --> 00:10:13,323
Look at this!

186
00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:14,563
What is it, budhoo?

187
00:10:14,563 --> 00:10:16,083
I think it's the new iPhone.

188
00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:22,003
It's not an iPhone, you idiot,
that's a calculator.

189
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:25,883
Remember when Alia had
her lucky calculator?

190
00:10:25,883 --> 00:10:27,603
And her lucky pencil case?

191
00:10:27,603 --> 00:10:29,443
And her lucky hijab?

192
00:10:29,443 --> 00:10:33,203
She had to have all her lucky things
with her for every exam.

193
00:10:33,203 --> 00:10:35,723
So why did she fail them all
so many times?

194
00:10:35,723 --> 00:10:37,443
She was just unlucky.

195
00:10:38,603 --> 00:10:40,203
Yeah.

196
00:10:40,203 --> 00:10:42,483
What does E stand for?

197
00:10:42,483 --> 00:10:45,643
I think it's short for Excellent.

198
00:10:47,203 --> 00:10:49,763
She's got E's?
No, only one E.

199
00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:51,563
The rest are U's.

200
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,603
What's that - Unbelievably Good?

201
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,923
I don't know if I'll fit in here,
Papaji.

202
00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:01,243
Alia,
we are just as good as anyone else.

203
00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:05,003
You hold your head high,
be proud of who you are.

204
00:11:05,003 --> 00:11:08,283
But I thought this place was
only for Catholics.

205
00:11:11,723 --> 00:11:13,003
What?

206
00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:16,203
Anscombe College is
a Catholic school.

207
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,843
Oh, twaddi!

208
00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:33,723
Alia, why don't you take off your
coat? It's very warm in here.

209
00:11:37,523 --> 00:11:41,043
And maybe take off some of
this shiny stuff from hijab.

210
00:11:41,043 --> 00:11:42,923
We don't want to seem too flashy.

211
00:11:50,283 --> 00:11:52,603
Very good, well done, Alia.

212
00:11:55,003 --> 00:11:59,363
What a girl! Second to none, she is.

213
00:11:59,363 --> 00:12:02,563
Have you got a signal yet?
Hang on.

214
00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:06,403
Alia, why haven't you filled in
any of these registration forms?

215
00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:08,043
I didn't have a pen.

216
00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:11,283
I've got a signal!

217
00:12:12,323 --> 00:12:14,603
Be careful. It's fine.

218
00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:16,523
I've got excellent balance.

219
00:12:17,563 --> 00:12:20,363
I was third-best gymnast
at my school

220
00:12:20,363 --> 00:12:24,843
after Benny and that boy
with the turned toes.

221
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:27,083
BRAKES SQUEAL

222
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:28,723
Aaaargh!

223
00:12:28,723 --> 00:12:30,083
Oh, my God!

224
00:12:32,163 --> 00:12:34,163
Are you OK, Papaji?

225
00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:36,243
I'm fine, beti.

226
00:12:36,243 --> 00:12:38,563
But I think my phone is broken.

227
00:12:38,563 --> 00:12:41,603
Oh...my...God!

228
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,363
It's too horrible!

229
00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:47,443
I can't even look at it!

230
00:12:48,483 --> 00:12:50,483
It's OK, come and sit down.

231
00:12:50,483 --> 00:12:53,723
You think she's going to be able
to cope OK at university?

232
00:12:55,363 --> 00:12:59,003
Oh, my goodness, look here. It says
all the accommodation is mixed.

233
00:12:59,003 --> 00:13:01,883
So? She be fine.
Alia is a good girl.

234
00:13:01,883 --> 00:13:04,043
And anyway, I've given her the talk.

235
00:13:04,043 --> 00:13:06,323
What, you mean about
the birds and the bees?

236
00:13:06,323 --> 00:13:08,083
What have they got to do with it?

237
00:13:08,083 --> 00:13:11,923
Sweetie, I need to talk to you about
something very important.

238
00:13:11,923 --> 00:13:13,643
OK, Papaji.

239
00:13:13,643 --> 00:13:18,123
Now, I know your head is filled only
with God and studies right now.

240
00:13:18,123 --> 00:13:19,843
But one day you realise

241
00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:22,363
there are other things in the world,
like boys.

242
00:13:22,363 --> 00:13:23,883
OK.

243
00:13:23,883 --> 00:13:27,563
But what you have to remember is
that boys are not like girls.

244
00:13:27,563 --> 00:13:29,563
Are they not? No.

245
00:13:29,563 --> 00:13:33,043
Boys are bad. They only have
one thing on their minds.

246
00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:34,443
What's that?

247
00:13:35,643 --> 00:13:37,043
HE GULPS

248
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:39,803
Cricket.

249
00:13:41,803 --> 00:13:43,043
Cricket?!

250
00:13:44,363 --> 00:13:46,883
Yes. I don't like cricket.

251
00:13:46,883 --> 00:13:49,523
I know. And that's good.

252
00:13:49,523 --> 00:13:54,643
But one day you might decide
that you do...like...cricket.

253
00:13:56,163 --> 00:13:58,203
I don't think so, it's dead boring.

254
00:13:58,203 --> 00:14:00,243
You're right, it is.

255
00:14:00,243 --> 00:14:03,763
But one day you might meet somebody,
let's say a boy,

256
00:14:03,763 --> 00:14:05,483
and he's really into the cricket

257
00:14:05,483 --> 00:14:07,603
and he might try
and get you to watch.

258
00:14:07,603 --> 00:14:10,923
And you might think,
well, there's no harm in watching.

259
00:14:10,923 --> 00:14:12,523
But then...

260
00:14:12,523 --> 00:14:14,203
he shows you his bat.

261
00:14:16,963 --> 00:14:18,723
And his pads.

262
00:14:18,723 --> 00:14:20,403
And his helmet.

263
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:26,283
And the next thing you know,
the covers are off,

264
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,683
you're letting him play
on your pitch

265
00:14:28,683 --> 00:14:30,963
and you've been caught out
by his googly.

266
00:14:32,563 --> 00:14:34,083
Do you see?

267
00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:36,443
Sort of. Good.

268
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:39,523
You know, I thought
that was going to be difficult.

269
00:14:40,523 --> 00:14:42,603
But it was actually very easy.

270
00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:46,443
That's how you do it.

271
00:14:46,443 --> 00:14:48,363
If you want to know about
birds and bees,

272
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:51,963
download the David Attenborough
documentary on the iPlayer.

273
00:14:51,963 --> 00:14:54,043
Really? It's fine.

274
00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:57,483
Alia and I have
a very close relationship.

275
00:14:57,483 --> 00:15:01,643
We've had some honest
and open chats over the years.

276
00:15:01,643 --> 00:15:04,603
But what about that time
when you thought she was...

277
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:05,763
What?

278
00:15:06,923 --> 00:15:08,563
You know.

279
00:15:08,563 --> 00:15:10,123
Fat?

280
00:15:10,123 --> 00:15:11,723
Pregnant.

281
00:15:11,723 --> 00:15:15,003
That was all a misunderstanding.

282
00:15:16,163 --> 00:15:18,283
Look at this. Yes. So?

283
00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:21,123
It's a pregnancy tester. Yes, so?

284
00:15:21,123 --> 00:15:22,963
It's positive.

285
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,203
You mean...?

286
00:15:24,203 --> 00:15:27,083
Exactly. We're having another baby?

287
00:15:28,323 --> 00:15:30,443
It's not mine!

288
00:15:30,443 --> 00:15:33,523
I found it in the bathroom.
Not my sweet Alia.

289
00:15:33,523 --> 00:15:37,523
She would have told me.
She always tells me everything.

290
00:15:37,523 --> 00:15:39,683
Right, then you can go and ask her.

291
00:15:39,683 --> 00:15:41,243
What?

292
00:15:41,243 --> 00:15:43,003
Oh, twaddi!

293
00:15:44,363 --> 00:15:47,163
So, these are
my new blonde highlights,

294
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:50,083
which I did with a home colouring
kit in the bathroom.

295
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,163
And here's my top tip.

296
00:15:52,163 --> 00:15:54,243
HAWKING

297
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,083
Hello, beti.

298
00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:02,723
Hi, Papaji!

299
00:16:04,283 --> 00:16:06,803
Did you want
to talk to me about something?

300
00:16:06,803 --> 00:16:11,763
Yeah, why not? Might as well come in
and keep you company now I'm here.

301
00:16:13,523 --> 00:16:16,483
Beti, your mother and I
were wondering,

302
00:16:16,483 --> 00:16:19,363
is there something
you might want to tell us?

303
00:16:19,363 --> 00:16:21,803
No.

304
00:16:21,803 --> 00:16:23,963
Something that you've done,

305
00:16:23,963 --> 00:16:28,723
something that a good Pakistani
Muslim girl shouldn't have done?

306
00:16:28,723 --> 00:16:30,763
Um...

307
00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:37,083
It's just that your mother found
something in the bathroom.

308
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,803
Oh.

309
00:16:38,803 --> 00:16:41,363
Is it yours? It's OK.

310
00:16:41,363 --> 00:16:44,043
You can tell me, I won't be cross.

311
00:16:44,043 --> 00:16:46,603
Yeah, it's mine.

312
00:16:47,803 --> 00:16:49,643
Oh, Alia!

313
00:16:49,643 --> 00:16:51,403
My little baby!

314
00:16:51,403 --> 00:16:53,763
I was going to tell you.

315
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,443
Oh, God!

316
00:16:55,443 --> 00:16:57,283
I was just trying it out.

317
00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:59,163
But you are our best daughter.

318
00:16:59,163 --> 00:17:01,243
How could you do this?

319
00:17:01,243 --> 00:17:04,643
I just wanted to see
what it would be like.

320
00:17:04,643 --> 00:17:08,283
But, sweetie,
we all get curious about it,

321
00:17:08,283 --> 00:17:11,283
but these things have consequences.

322
00:17:11,283 --> 00:17:13,603
Is it really such a big deal,
though?

323
00:17:13,603 --> 00:17:14,883
Yes!

324
00:17:14,883 --> 00:17:17,643
Only...I quite like it.

325
00:17:17,643 --> 00:17:19,083
No!

326
00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:21,923
I mean,
I'm definitely going to do it again.

327
00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:26,443
Only next time I'll probably want
a different colour.

328
00:17:26,443 --> 00:17:28,603
Oh, my God! No, no, no!

329
00:17:32,163 --> 00:17:36,563
You see, nothing like that
has ever happened to Alia.

330
00:17:36,563 --> 00:17:38,203
And it never will.

331
00:17:38,203 --> 00:17:39,923
Stop the lorry!

332
00:17:39,923 --> 00:17:41,083
What for?

333
00:17:41,083 --> 00:17:42,843
I need toilet.

334
00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:47,323
Well, I need a new combi-boiler,
but we can't have everything.

335
00:17:49,043 --> 00:17:51,163
Have you found
another Pokemon, budhoo?

336
00:17:51,163 --> 00:17:53,603
This time I'm going for a Squirtle.

337
00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:55,483
Oh, me too!

338
00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:57,243
Just hold it in.

339
00:17:58,523 --> 00:18:00,403
This is Alia's important day,

340
00:18:00,403 --> 00:18:02,523
we don't want to spoil it for her,
do we?

341
00:18:02,523 --> 00:18:03,643
Nahin.

342
00:18:04,843 --> 00:18:08,163
I hope you're going to come and
visit me when I'm in Glasgow.

343
00:18:08,163 --> 00:18:09,483
Of course we will, Sis.

344
00:18:09,483 --> 00:18:11,563
And you can come and stay
with us in the holidays.

345
00:18:11,563 --> 00:18:14,163
There'll be plenty of room
now we're getting the loft done.

346
00:18:14,163 --> 00:18:17,523
Can you afford that? Dad's lending
us the money, aren't you, Dad?

347
00:18:19,003 --> 00:18:20,763
That reminds me...

348
00:18:20,763 --> 00:18:23,363
I can't lend you the money. Why not?

349
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:26,083
I spent it on Alia's university.

350
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,843
You spent our loft money on Alia?

351
00:18:28,843 --> 00:18:30,803
It's not my fault.

352
00:18:30,803 --> 00:18:34,643
If Alia had failed her exams,
like we thought she was going to,

353
00:18:34,643 --> 00:18:36,443
she wouldn't be going to university.

354
00:18:36,443 --> 00:18:39,403
So, technically, it's her fault.

355
00:18:39,403 --> 00:18:41,603
Why didn't you tell me before?

356
00:18:41,603 --> 00:18:44,563
I'd have borrowed the money from
the bank and done it last year.

357
00:18:44,563 --> 00:18:48,883
But oh, no, "Don't borrow
from the bank," you said.

358
00:18:48,883 --> 00:18:51,083
"Always borrow from family.

359
00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:53,523
"Our rates are much better!"

360
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,843
SHE HAWKS

361
00:18:57,923 --> 00:18:59,923
Doesn't sound anything like me.

362
00:19:01,843 --> 00:19:04,483
This is so typical,
putting Alia first.

363
00:19:04,483 --> 00:19:07,683
You always liked her more than me.
Nonsense.

364
00:19:07,683 --> 00:19:11,603
I've always treated you both
exactly the same.

365
00:19:15,243 --> 00:19:17,203
I love this girl.

366
00:19:17,203 --> 00:19:19,083
She's a blooming marvel.

367
00:19:19,083 --> 00:19:22,123
Almost like a son, she is.

368
00:19:22,123 --> 00:19:24,883
Alia wants to use
Naani's photoshoot

369
00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:26,803
to get loads of pictures of herself.

370
00:19:26,803 --> 00:19:28,243
Good idea.

371
00:19:28,243 --> 00:19:31,083
We can't get enough pictures
of the beautiful daughter.

372
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,563
Thanks, Papaji.

373
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:36,163
But I want to get some
of just me, Amjad and baby Mo.

374
00:19:36,163 --> 00:19:40,763
All lying on the floor in a line
with our legs in the air.

375
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,123
I think it'd look nice.

376
00:19:42,123 --> 00:19:44,843
I think you'd look like chickens
in a halal butcher's window.

377
00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:48,083
My grandmother wants to know
if there's any record
of her father here.

378
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:50,923
Eldest daughter, just ignore her,
that's what I do.

379
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:55,123
Ah, Alia, good daughter, this one's
very clever, always studying,

380
00:19:55,123 --> 00:19:57,003
loves her history and so forth.

381
00:19:57,003 --> 00:19:59,083
Yes? There's no Wi-Fi in here.

382
00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:00,683
No.

383
00:20:02,763 --> 00:20:05,643
Probably going to do her homework.
HE HAWKS

384
00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:12,443
You know, for once,
I need to put Alia first.

385
00:20:12,443 --> 00:20:13,763
Mum?

386
00:20:13,763 --> 00:20:15,883
Your father's right, beti.

387
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,923
Am I? Blimey!

388
00:20:18,923 --> 00:20:21,203
What are you doing?
I'm writing it down.

389
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:24,283
"23rd of September 2016,

390
00:20:24,283 --> 00:20:27,963
"Mrs Khan says Mr Khan is right."

391
00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:32,083
Shazia, your sister's done very well

392
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:35,283
to get onto her
business and management course.

393
00:20:35,283 --> 00:20:36,923
Wait a minute.

394
00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:39,563
This doesn't say
business and management.

395
00:20:39,563 --> 00:20:43,003
Alia? Why doesn't it say
business and management?

396
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:45,603
Maybe they spelt it wrong. Alia...

397
00:20:45,603 --> 00:20:49,243
OK, so, when I actually
looked at the prospectus,

398
00:20:49,243 --> 00:20:50,963
it was, like, so boring.

399
00:20:50,963 --> 00:20:53,363
The first half was
business this, business that,

400
00:20:53,363 --> 00:20:56,043
I don't even know what
the second half was about.

401
00:20:56,043 --> 00:20:57,323
Management?

402
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:59,043
Whatever.

403
00:20:59,043 --> 00:21:01,283
Did you know about this?

404
00:21:01,283 --> 00:21:04,283
I might have heard
something about it.

405
00:21:04,283 --> 00:21:06,403
And when were you planning
to tell me?

406
00:21:07,403 --> 00:21:08,563
Now?

407
00:21:09,563 --> 00:21:15,043
OK, so, if you're not doing business
and management, what are you doing?

408
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:18,403
Sustainable beauty therapy
and geography.

409
00:21:19,683 --> 00:21:23,043
Wow! That sounds amazing.

410
00:21:24,203 --> 00:21:28,243
What kind of job is she going to get
with beauty therapy and geography?

411
00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:30,163
Mobile hairdresser.

412
00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:33,243
She's done it again.

413
00:21:33,243 --> 00:21:36,283
She always lies to you
and you always fall for it.

414
00:21:36,283 --> 00:21:37,723
Rubbish.

415
00:21:37,723 --> 00:21:40,483
Alia, tell me the truth.

416
00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:42,723
Have you ever lied to me?

417
00:21:42,723 --> 00:21:44,843
No. See?

418
00:21:49,083 --> 00:21:51,803
She doesn't speak much English.
Going somewhere nice?

419
00:21:51,803 --> 00:21:53,403
FRENCH ACCENT: In discotheque.

420
00:21:53,403 --> 00:21:55,483
Huh?
It's French for prayer meeting.

421
00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:58,243
I'm going out, I'll be back later.

422
00:21:58,243 --> 00:22:00,843
Sweetie, Alia,
you know how your mother worries.

423
00:22:00,843 --> 00:22:03,083
You're supposed to tell us
where you're going

424
00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:04,563
and what time you'll be back.

425
00:22:04,563 --> 00:22:06,483
But I did. Did you?

426
00:22:06,483 --> 00:22:09,603
Yeah, I'm going out
and I'll be back later.

427
00:22:09,603 --> 00:22:11,763
Oh, yes.

428
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:14,043
SHE GASPS

429
00:22:19,923 --> 00:22:22,563
Hello, beti. What are you doing?

430
00:22:22,563 --> 00:22:25,283
Your father is a very important man.

431
00:22:25,283 --> 00:22:27,523
I'm doing some urgent
mosque business.

432
00:22:27,523 --> 00:22:28,883
What are you doing?

433
00:22:28,883 --> 00:22:30,763
I was just going out.

434
00:22:30,763 --> 00:22:32,443
It's very late.

435
00:22:32,443 --> 00:22:35,723
There's a late-night prayer meeting
at the mosque.

436
00:22:35,723 --> 00:22:38,643
CAR HORN BEEPS
That's the Imam come to pick me up.

437
00:22:40,203 --> 00:22:41,883
Such a good girl.

438
00:22:41,883 --> 00:22:43,603
Is that a hijab?

439
00:22:43,603 --> 00:22:46,763
Yeah, it's waterproof
in case it rains.

440
00:22:47,883 --> 00:22:50,563
Clever, modest and practical.

441
00:22:51,643 --> 00:22:57,843
Aw...she's a practically perfect
Pakistani in every way.

442
00:22:57,843 --> 00:23:00,203
Thanks, Papaji.

443
00:23:00,203 --> 00:23:03,883
Well, we're not wasting all that
money on some stupid make-up course.

444
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:07,243
Tell the driver to turn around,
we're going home. What? Me too.

445
00:23:07,243 --> 00:23:10,443
I need to get to work if I'm going
to pay for this loft extension.

446
00:23:10,443 --> 00:23:12,843
Let's not be hasty, my darling.

447
00:23:12,843 --> 00:23:15,043
Stop...the...lorry.

448
00:23:15,043 --> 00:23:17,243
SHE SPEAKS URDU

449
00:23:17,243 --> 00:23:18,683
..Welcome Break.

450
00:23:19,803 --> 00:23:23,203
We can't stop now. Yes, we can.
Tell the driver.

451
00:23:23,203 --> 00:23:25,243
I can't. Why not?

452
00:23:25,243 --> 00:23:27,403
Because. Because what?

453
00:23:27,403 --> 00:23:28,683
Because...

454
00:23:30,163 --> 00:23:32,043
..he doesn't know we're in here.

455
00:23:32,043 --> 00:23:34,603
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

456
00:23:34,603 --> 00:23:37,563
They are going to think
we're illegal immigrants.

457
00:23:37,563 --> 00:23:40,523
They're going to lock us
in some detention centre.

458
00:23:40,523 --> 00:23:42,363
Naani's too old to cope with that.

459
00:23:42,363 --> 00:23:44,283
At least there'll be a toilet.

460
00:23:45,283 --> 00:23:48,683
So, who's going to look after
Mo and Nadia while I'm locked up?

461
00:23:48,683 --> 00:23:53,523
Be strong, ladoo, I'll always tell
them how brave their mummy was.

462
00:23:54,523 --> 00:23:56,003
You'll be locked up too.

463
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:58,483
Oh, no!

464
00:23:59,483 --> 00:24:01,523
It's fine.

465
00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:04,123
As soon as we get to Scotland,

466
00:24:04,123 --> 00:24:08,123
we'll sneak out and everything
will be Mac-tickety-boo.

467
00:24:09,603 --> 00:24:11,323
Is Felixstowe in Scotland?

468
00:24:11,323 --> 00:24:13,403
What was that, sweetie?

469
00:24:13,403 --> 00:24:15,843
It says here
we're just outside Felixstowe.

470
00:24:16,923 --> 00:24:19,643
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

471
00:24:19,643 --> 00:24:21,563
Everyone calm down.

472
00:24:21,563 --> 00:24:24,843
Calm down! Shush, shush!

473
00:24:24,843 --> 00:24:27,643
You said he was going to Scotland.

474
00:24:27,643 --> 00:24:30,603
Well, he was Scottish,
where else would he be going?

475
00:24:30,603 --> 00:24:32,323
I don't know, anywhere at all,

476
00:24:32,323 --> 00:24:35,683
because he was coming FROM Scotland,
not going back there.

477
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,163
I should have known.

478
00:24:37,163 --> 00:24:40,843
Scottish people never go back
to Scotland once they've escaped.

479
00:24:40,843 --> 00:24:44,923
Call the police,
call the fire brigade, anyone!

480
00:24:44,923 --> 00:24:46,843
My phone's broken.

481
00:24:46,843 --> 00:24:48,803
Amjad. OK.

482
00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,803
Oh, no, my battery's run out.

483
00:24:52,803 --> 00:24:54,403
Too much Pokemon.

484
00:24:55,963 --> 00:24:58,843
Oh, my God! Alia, your phone.

485
00:24:58,843 --> 00:25:00,963
No way! Now!

486
00:25:00,963 --> 00:25:04,683
All right, that's it,
I'll just phone the police, shall I?

487
00:25:04,683 --> 00:25:08,483
"Oh, hello, officer,
we've got any emergency situation.

488
00:25:08,483 --> 00:25:11,923
"Yes, we're a Pakistani family
in the back of a lorry.

489
00:25:11,923 --> 00:25:14,643
"Could you please come
and let us out?"

490
00:25:14,643 --> 00:25:16,723
BRAKES HISS

491
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:18,043
He's stopped.

492
00:25:18,043 --> 00:25:20,603
VOICES OUTSIDE
Bang on the sides.

493
00:25:21,763 --> 00:25:24,363
ALL: Help! Help!

494
00:25:24,363 --> 00:25:25,843
Chup, chup!

495
00:25:25,843 --> 00:25:28,203
BANGING AND CLANKING

496
00:25:28,203 --> 00:25:29,963
Sounds like we're getting somewhere.

497
00:25:31,403 --> 00:25:34,643
What's going on? Maybe they're
trying to tell us something.

498
00:25:34,643 --> 00:25:37,323
Hang on, sir, I know Morse code.

499
00:25:39,003 --> 00:25:42,003
BANGING AND CLANKING

500
00:25:43,723 --> 00:25:45,083
Well?

501
00:25:45,083 --> 00:25:47,483
They're taking us off the lorry

502
00:25:47,483 --> 00:25:51,083
and they're loading us onto
a pile of other containers.

503
00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:54,283
You can tell all that
from just a few bangs?

504
00:25:54,283 --> 00:25:57,203
No, I saw it
through this little hole.

505
00:26:02,203 --> 00:26:04,843
THEY ALL SCREAM

506
00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:08,283
Shush, shush!

507
00:26:08,283 --> 00:26:11,043
Everyone, calm down.

508
00:26:11,043 --> 00:26:13,243
CLANK

509
00:26:13,243 --> 00:26:17,323
This is all your fault.
I said we should have gone by train.

510
00:26:17,323 --> 00:26:20,003
You should have listened to me.
Why, what did you say?

511
00:26:20,003 --> 00:26:22,283
I told her not to marry you.

512
00:26:23,803 --> 00:26:26,123
My babies are stuck with Mrs Malik.

513
00:26:26,123 --> 00:26:28,363
Alia's going to lose
her place at university,

514
00:26:28,363 --> 00:26:30,163
you have ruined everything.

515
00:26:30,163 --> 00:26:32,403
ALL TALK AT ONCE

516
00:26:32,403 --> 00:26:35,003
Stop it! Just stop it, all of you!

517
00:26:36,163 --> 00:26:37,923
Leave him alone.

518
00:26:37,923 --> 00:26:40,603
It's not his fault, it's mine.

519
00:26:40,603 --> 00:26:41,643
Alia...

520
00:26:41,643 --> 00:26:43,763
Sweetie, let the girl speak.

521
00:26:44,883 --> 00:26:46,883
This is all because of me.

522
00:26:46,883 --> 00:26:51,363
I only wanted to go to uni in
Scotland to get away from you all.

523
00:26:52,403 --> 00:26:54,403
But I've realised something today.

524
00:26:54,403 --> 00:26:57,603
My family mean more to me
than anything.

525
00:26:59,043 --> 00:27:01,123
I can't leave you all behind.

526
00:27:01,123 --> 00:27:04,043
I'd miss all the shouting too much.

527
00:27:05,923 --> 00:27:07,403
Aw, beti!

528
00:27:07,403 --> 00:27:09,963
But what about your education?

529
00:27:09,963 --> 00:27:13,203
I'll just get a place at
Birmingham Uni instead.

530
00:27:14,483 --> 00:27:18,523
See? She's learning already.
Birmingham's cheaper.

531
00:27:20,243 --> 00:27:24,963
Like I told you on the day you were
born, you're the clever one.

532
00:27:27,083 --> 00:27:29,043
She takes after her father.

533
00:27:29,043 --> 00:27:31,283
Good-looking and intelligent.

534
00:27:31,283 --> 00:27:35,163
Now that we're a proper family,
can we go on a family holiday?

535
00:27:35,163 --> 00:27:36,523
Hah.

536
00:27:36,523 --> 00:27:41,203
Somewhere abroad this time,
not Great Yarmouth again. Of course.

537
00:27:41,203 --> 00:27:45,763
Somewhere with sun and sand,
but not too many tourists.

538
00:27:45,763 --> 00:27:48,123
I know just the place.

539
00:27:48,123 --> 00:27:49,443
The Seychelles?

540
00:27:49,443 --> 00:27:51,163
Close.

541
00:27:52,243 --> 00:27:53,723
Pakistan.

542
00:27:57,523 --> 00:28:00,043
You never took me back to Pakistan,
though.

543
00:28:00,043 --> 00:28:02,763
One day, beti, one day.

544
00:28:05,683 --> 00:28:07,883
OVER LOUDSPEAKER:
'Attention, all crew.

545
00:28:07,883 --> 00:28:09,963
'Attention, all crew.

546
00:28:09,963 --> 00:28:15,323
'The arrival time into the port of
Karachi, Pakistan, will be 47 days.'