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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me!

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Do you like my suit?

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Number one! Citizen Khan.

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Greetings, my boob-tube followers.

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Now, many of you have been
messaging me saying,

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"Mr Khan, you are
our community leader,

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"everyone turns to you for guidance

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"on matters both
moral and spiritual.

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"So when are you going to do the
cinnamon challenge?"

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Well, today is the day, yes.

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Apparently, you have to eat some
cinnamon without drinking anything.

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Easy-peasy, huh?

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Now, most people use a teaspoon.

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Not me.

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I'm Pakistani, ah?
We can handle our spices.

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Look at that. So, here we go.

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Get some there.

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Ah-ha!

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Woohoo! And down the hatch!

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HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

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HE GASPS

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Ah! Eurgh!

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Ah! Eurgh!

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LAUGHTER

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I don't get it.

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It's a thing we boob-tubers do.
Why?

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Because then people go and click
on it and watch you doing it.

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Why?

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LAUGHTER

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How should I know?
It's the internet, Riaz,

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This is how everything works
nowadays. Oh, OK.

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It's all about getting as many
hits as possible.

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One person
got 48 million views for this.

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Wow! How many did you get?

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That's not important.

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LAUGHTER

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Now just film me for my new,
exciting poster - behind the scenes

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at the mosque committee meeting.

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Get my best side, ah? OK.

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Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

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Hello, Dave.

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LAUGHTER

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Are you here for the mosque
committee meeting?

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Yes, that's right. I'm going to be
filming it for my boob-tube channel.

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Oh, no, sorry, you can't do that.
Data protection, I'm afraid.

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What? Well, I did send you an
e-mail about it.

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I never get any
of your e-mails, Dave.

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I think my computer must have some
kind of ginger filter.

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That's not a thing.

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Well, you say that,

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but I never get any e-mails from
Chris Evans or Mick Hucknall either.

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LAUGHTER

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Shall we start the meeting? Yes, OK.

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Thanks for...
Thanks for coming, everyone.

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As you know, we're here to talk
about ideas

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for the upcoming Muslim Day.

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Now, who...?
Who wants to start the ball rolling?

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Anyone else?

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LAUGHTER

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Mr Khan. Oh! Thank you, Dave.

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See, I think the most important
thing to consider is

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why we're doing this.

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Well, Muslim Day is about
educating people,

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showing them what Islam is
really all about.

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I'm hoping to organise some
interesting lectures. Lectures?!

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Borrrring!

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This is Sparkhill, Dave.
Not University College Coxbridge.

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Well, I suppose you've got
a better idea.

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Of course I have. Oh! What is it?

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you, Amjad.

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Well, how about...

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A Muslim Fun Day. A Muslim what?!

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A Fun Day.

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You know,
one of those churchy-fetey things

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that you white people do, ah?

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But with some Muslim thingamajigs
thrown in instead. For example?

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Pin the beard on the imam!

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Alcohol-free bottle tombola!

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Halal candyfloss! Guess who's
under the burqa!

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People will love it. Trust me, Dave.

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I know what the public wants.

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I was hoping we might be able to
take the opportunity to focus

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on the role of women
in modern Islam.

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Why?

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Well, we want to encourage women

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to take a more prominent role
in society.

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Do we? Yes, of course.

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We want to get more Muslim women
into positions of power.

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Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave!

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Muslim women have got quite
enough power already.

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You don't want to give them any
more. It'll just confuse them.

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Well, as chairman of the
mosque committee,

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it's ultimately my decision

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and I happen
to think that women's rights

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are far more important than
some silly sideshows.

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You haven't heard the best one yet.
SIGHING: Go on.

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Bouncy mosque.

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LAUGHTER

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Like a bouncy castle
but with minarets.

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That's hardly appropriate. Why not?

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A bouncy mosque is just like
any other mosque.

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You have to take your shoes
off first.

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LAUGHTER

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And it helps you get higher
and closer to God.

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Yes. You see?

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I've got the backing of the mosque
committee already, Dave, ah?

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Mohammed, here, he's on side.

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So is Mohammed, and Mohammed.
Oh, and look!

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Even Mohammed is too.

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LAUGHTER

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No, no, no. Hang on a minute!

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Why don't you just put your money
where your mouth is, ah?

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What?!

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I do my thing and you do yours,
and whoever gets the most people

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can be chairman of the mosque
committee, eh?

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But I'm already chairman of the
mosque committee.

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HE MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING

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Look, it's not a competition.
We're all on the same side.

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HE CLUCKS LOUDER

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Right, let's do it!

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Ha! Clucking brilliant! Bwark!

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LAUGHTER

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Right, Muslim Day
starts in an hour.

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Come on, jaldi, jaldi.
Nearly ready.

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Traditional Pakistani food

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for a traditional Pakistani stall,
right? Uh-huh.

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What have you got?

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Pizza. How is that Pakistani?

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Pakora topping.

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LAUGHTER

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Can someone listen to my "being a
working Muslim mum" speech?

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I need to practise. Shazia?

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Dave asked me to contribute to his
Women In Islam event.

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How could you do this to me, Shazia?

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Siding with the gingers,

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instead of your own flesh and blood?

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You won't find
a proper Pakistani man

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encouraging the empowerment
of women.

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It would be like turkeys
voting for Christmas.

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Ladoo, I've written bullet points
of your speech on flash cards

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and arranged them in order.

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Thanks, budhoo. That's OK, ladoo.

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Oh, wait. Can I call you ladoo, or
is it demeaning to women?

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It's fine. Phew!

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LAUGHTER

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What do you think
you're doing, Amjad?

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I thought Shazia would be
interested in the Women's Day.

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Why are you trying to destroy
my Muslim Day?

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I only get one shot at this,
you know.

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That's not strictly true. What?

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You see, the thing is,
we're all Muslim.

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Right. So technically, for us,
every day is a Muslim day.

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LAUGHTER

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Or as we Muslims call it, a day.

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LAUGHTER

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I want a word with you.

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Oh, hello, sweetie. When were you
going to tell me about this?

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Ah, now.

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About those pictures,
see, I thought,

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Miss Bumbum
was a Vietnamese restaurant.

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LAUGHTER

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I was going to take you
out for a meal.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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I'm talking about this e-mail from
your sister. Oh, yes, that.

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Who's Miss Bumbum? I don't know!

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What e-mail?

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She sent an e-mail last month

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saying she wants your niece,
Shabana, to come and stay.

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Right. But we can't
have your niece to stay!

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It's too disruptive.
And we haven't got the space.

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But I thought she could have
Alia's bedroom

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now that she's at university.

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No.

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Anyway, I'm busy at work,

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and there's no-one here to look
after her.

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Of course, I understand.
So you'll reply, then.

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I already replied.

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Oh, what did you tell her?
I said it's OK.

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LAUGHTER

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What?! Without even discussing it?
Dad, you can't do things like that.

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Idiot!

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Look, it's the school holidays and
her mother's gone to Pakistan.

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You mean she's disappeared on one of
her shopping trips again?

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Your sister's never taken
responsibility for that girl.

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She's always palming her off on
someone, and now it's our turn.

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That's not true, sweetie, she's
a very caring and generous person.

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Is she paying you
to look after Shabana?

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LAUGHTER

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It's not payment!

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It's just room and boarding at
special discount rate.

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Oh, my God! Why...?
Now, wait a minute.

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All right, my sister's
a little bit difficult,

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but could I really turn Shabana
away?

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Our niece? Your cousin?

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And whatever she is to you?

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You're right, I'm sorry. That's OK.
When's she arriving?

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What's the date?

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23rd. Today.
DOORBELL RINGS

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LAUGHTER

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Well, you'll have to look after her
today,

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because we are all going to support
Shazia and Women In Islam.

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Oh, not you, too.

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Look, what's the problem?

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She's stayed with us before and
she was very quiet.

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That was ten years ago! I know.

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I took her and Alia on the steam
railway to Chh-Llandudno.

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You forgot about her and
left her on the train.

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I told you she was very quiet.

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LAUGHTER

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Look, she'll be no trouble.

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Shabana is a very sweet, innocent
little girl.

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Here she is.

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Sup?

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Salaam alaikum.

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You remember me? It's Uncle Mr Khan.

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Oh, I remember you, all right.

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That's nice. And your auntie?
Hello, beti.

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And Naani.

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No way! I thought you were dead.

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LAUGHTER

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We've all thought that about her at
some point, haven't we?

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And here's your cousin Shazia.
And Amjad.

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Have I got something on my face? No.

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Apart from the messy bits of metal.

227
00:11:01,563 --> 00:11:04,963
Don't worry about him, ah?
He's not a proper relative.

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00:11:06,843 --> 00:11:09,883
So, what kind of things would you
like to do while you're here?

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00:11:09,883 --> 00:11:11,243
I don't know.

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Auntie could take you to
the safari park.

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Feed the penguins.

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00:11:16,323 --> 00:11:18,283
Take Naani. Feed the lions as well.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you fancy coming with me

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to the Women In Islam event at
the community centre?

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SHE LAUGHS
Good one.

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Oh, what, like, really?!

238
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Don't you think it's important
to empower women?

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Yeah, I think feminism is basically
just for plain girls. No offence.

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LAUGHTER

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I think we'd better go. OK.

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Shabana, there must be something
you'd like to do.

243
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I thought I might go to this place
in Moseley and get a tat.

244
00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:51,043
A what?

245
00:11:52,323 --> 00:11:54,323
A tattoo.

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Yeah, I want to get a big one going
right up my leg and across my butt.

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Anything else?

248
00:12:01,883 --> 00:12:04,403
A couple of my friends are down in
a squat in London.

249
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Could you drive me down there?
I don't think so. Oh, what?

250
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Because you think I'm a respectable
Pakistani Muslim girl?

251
00:12:10,923 --> 00:12:13,483
No, I'm pretty sure
I don't think that.

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LAUGHTER

253
00:12:15,563 --> 00:12:18,843
Let me talk to her. I think she just
needs a motherly touch.

254
00:12:19,883 --> 00:12:21,163
Hello, Shabana.

255
00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:24,123
This is your auntie speaking.

256
00:12:24,123 --> 00:12:28,443
We don't usually have tattoos or go
to squats in Sparkhill.

257
00:12:28,443 --> 00:12:32,163
Why don't I make you some of my
famous pakoras instead? Oh, yeah.

258
00:12:33,283 --> 00:12:35,643
Mum told me about your
famous pakoras.

259
00:12:35,643 --> 00:12:37,963
She said they make great doorstops.

260
00:12:37,963 --> 00:12:40,203
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

261
00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:41,603
She's all yours.

262
00:12:42,843 --> 00:12:44,283
No!

263
00:12:44,283 --> 00:12:46,323
Make sure you
don't lose her this time!

264
00:12:46,323 --> 00:12:47,803
Ha!

265
00:12:47,803 --> 00:12:49,923
LAUGHTER

266
00:12:59,323 --> 00:13:02,723
ANNOUNCER: 'Welcome to Mr Khan's
Muslim Fun Day.

267
00:13:02,723 --> 00:13:04,283
'Hope you're having a great time.

268
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,203
'Thank you, Mr Khan.'

269
00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:09,803
Now, aren't you glad you came?
Um, no.

270
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:15,563
Oh, hello, Dave. Or should I say
loser? Ha-ha.

271
00:13:15,563 --> 00:13:19,043
Looks like my Muslim Day is turning
out to be a big hit.

272
00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:22,643
Muslim Day is for everyone, Mr Khan.
It's not about me or you.

273
00:13:22,643 --> 00:13:25,443
Of course, Dave.
You're absolutely right.

274
00:13:25,443 --> 00:13:28,363
Here, have a balloon.

275
00:13:28,363 --> 00:13:30,363
LAUGHTER

276
00:13:31,363 --> 00:13:34,283
Shabana, don't play with that, beti.

277
00:13:34,283 --> 00:13:36,003
Huh. This is so lame.

278
00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:40,043
Don't listen to her. Look! Everyone
is loving it.

279
00:13:40,043 --> 00:13:43,003
Look, we've got a bouncy mosque.

280
00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:45,603
Pin the beard on the imam.

281
00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:48,403
LAUGHTER

282
00:13:48,403 --> 00:13:51,123
How did you get so many people?
There was no money for advertising.

283
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,923
Ah, well. That would be telling.

284
00:13:54,803 --> 00:14:00,043
CALL TO PRAYER: 'I'd LOVE you to
come to Mr Khan's Muslim Fun Day.

285
00:14:00,043 --> 00:14:03,203
'This Wednesday at the
community centre.'

286
00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,923
So, Dave, tell us...

287
00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:08,403
How's your...

288
00:14:08,403 --> 00:14:11,763
HE YAWNS LOUDLY
..snoozefest going?

289
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:15,523
I'm sure it'll pick up once my
celebrity guest speaker arrives.

290
00:14:15,523 --> 00:14:17,243
Ha-ha. And who's that?

291
00:14:17,243 --> 00:14:18,763
Some hairy-faced woman

292
00:14:18,763 --> 00:14:21,283
from the
University of Wolverhampton

293
00:14:21,283 --> 00:14:23,483
in dungarees and a degree in

294
00:14:23,483 --> 00:14:26,883
"Boo-hoo, it's so hard
being a lady."

295
00:14:28,323 --> 00:14:30,243
It's Baroness Warsi,

296
00:14:30,243 --> 00:14:33,723
the first Muslim woman
to serve as a Cabinet minister.

297
00:14:33,723 --> 00:14:37,003
Oh, that's not a big deal.
We'll see, won't we?

298
00:14:37,003 --> 00:14:40,003
She's appearing in the community
centre in ten minutes.

299
00:14:45,763 --> 00:14:49,003
OK, everyone, Baroness Warsi will
be here any moment.

300
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:51,683
Shazia and I will be
the welcoming committee,

301
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:53,323
so we'll go outside and greet her,

302
00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:55,483
and then we'll come inside and do
the talks.

303
00:14:56,883 --> 00:14:58,843
I'm so excited.

304
00:14:58,843 --> 00:15:00,243
Me too.

305
00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:01,683
LAUGHTER

306
00:15:02,883 --> 00:15:05,643
Wow, looks like everyone's in here.

307
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:09,643
Who's that at the front?
The press. I don't believe it!

308
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,683
Dave's going to get his picture
in the papers

309
00:15:11,683 --> 00:15:13,883
with Lady Baron Warsi.

310
00:15:13,883 --> 00:15:15,203
And he's going to be on the radio.

311
00:15:15,203 --> 00:15:17,363
She'll probably invite him to have
tea on the terrace

312
00:15:17,363 --> 00:15:18,883
at the House of Lords too. What?

313
00:15:18,883 --> 00:15:21,643
And luckily, the weather has been
kind to us,

314
00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,963
as it doesn't A PEER to be raining.

315
00:15:23,963 --> 00:15:25,883
DAVE LAUGHS

316
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:29,763
Because Baroness Warsi's a peer
in the House of... Never mind.

317
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,563
I need to get up there.

318
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,043
But you know nothing about
women in Islam.

319
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,963
Come on, beti. Hey! Excuse me,
thank you.

320
00:15:38,963 --> 00:15:40,963
Excuse me, thank you very much.
Thank you.

321
00:15:40,963 --> 00:15:43,163
Hang on, Dave. Hang on. Mr Khan.

322
00:15:43,163 --> 00:15:44,683
Dad, what are you doing?

323
00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:46,523
I'm sorry to interrupt,

324
00:15:46,523 --> 00:15:50,083
but I had something important that
I wanted to share with Shazia

325
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:54,643
and everyone here, even Dave. What?

326
00:15:54,643 --> 00:15:56,963
Now, I admit that before today,

327
00:15:56,963 --> 00:16:01,163
I was a bit negative about the whole
Women In Islam thing.

328
00:16:01,163 --> 00:16:03,323
I mean, I was.

329
00:16:03,323 --> 00:16:06,363
I pooh-poohed it,
didn't I, Dave? Yes.

330
00:16:06,363 --> 00:16:10,883
But then something happened that
changed my mind.

331
00:16:10,883 --> 00:16:12,803
Do you know what it was?

332
00:16:12,803 --> 00:16:15,643
Was it when a lot more people wanted
to come to my thing than to yours?

333
00:16:15,643 --> 00:16:17,443
LAUGHTER

334
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:21,483
It wasn't, but it hurts that you
would think that.

335
00:16:23,443 --> 00:16:28,603
It was when I looked into the eyes
of my young niece here...

336
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:34,843
..a shy, sweet,
innocent Muslim girl...

337
00:16:34,843 --> 00:16:37,203
LAUGHTER

338
00:16:37,203 --> 00:16:41,603
..who has her whole life
still ahead of her.

339
00:16:42,963 --> 00:16:48,043
And I realised that these messages
of empowerment

340
00:16:48,043 --> 00:16:52,283
can show someone like Shabana here

341
00:16:52,283 --> 00:16:57,123
that she can be whatever
she wants to be.

342
00:16:57,123 --> 00:17:00,603
She can do whatever she wants to do.

343
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,203
AUDIENCE MURMURS AGREEMENT

344
00:17:02,203 --> 00:17:05,003
And that there are no limits on her

345
00:17:05,003 --> 00:17:06,923
as a woman. Or...

346
00:17:08,323 --> 00:17:09,883
..as a Muslim.

347
00:17:09,883 --> 00:17:13,203
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

348
00:17:16,643 --> 00:17:20,323
What a load of crap! Huh?

349
00:17:20,323 --> 00:17:24,443
He won't let me do anything I want
to do. In fact, he forbids it.

350
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,723
No, I don't!

351
00:17:25,723 --> 00:17:27,803
He says what I want isn't suitable

352
00:17:27,803 --> 00:17:30,283
for respectable
Pakistani Muslim girl.

353
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:32,923
Hang on a minute, ah?

354
00:17:32,923 --> 00:17:35,043
And he doesn't care about
women's issues.

355
00:17:35,043 --> 00:17:36,883
He tried to stop his wife
coming here today

356
00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:39,403
so that she could stay at home
making pakoras.

357
00:17:39,403 --> 00:17:40,883
No, I didn't!

358
00:17:40,883 --> 00:17:43,963
He tried to make ME stay at home and
make pakoras as well.

359
00:17:45,043 --> 00:17:46,203
No!

360
00:17:46,203 --> 00:17:49,843
He makes his old mother-in-law
who's, like, 100 or something,

361
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:51,883
stay up all night making pakoras.

362
00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:54,763
AUDIENCE VOICES DISAGREEMENT

363
00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:56,163
She wanted to!

364
00:17:57,363 --> 00:18:00,683
He's not part of the solution,
he's part of the problem.

365
00:18:00,683 --> 00:18:02,923
He's trying to silence
women's voices.

366
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:05,323
Just ask my plain-looking cousin.

367
00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:07,843
LAUGHTER

368
00:18:07,843 --> 00:18:12,123
Who would like to have
a go on my bouncy mosque?

369
00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:14,323
MOBILE PHONE RINGS

370
00:18:14,323 --> 00:18:15,603
Baroness Warsi's here!

371
00:18:22,163 --> 00:18:25,043
What the flipping heck was
all that about?!

372
00:18:25,043 --> 00:18:26,923
Why did you say all those things?

373
00:18:26,923 --> 00:18:28,363
Well, it's true, isn't it?

374
00:18:28,363 --> 00:18:29,883
You won't let me do what I want.

375
00:18:29,883 --> 00:18:32,643
Because what you want is to be
covered in tattoos

376
00:18:32,643 --> 00:18:35,763
and lying down on a mattress in
some squatty SQUATTY!

377
00:18:35,763 --> 00:18:37,763
LAUGHTER

378
00:18:37,763 --> 00:18:41,163
What are you doing? Don't
film this, you idiot!

379
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,003
Sorry. Give me that!

380
00:18:43,003 --> 00:18:46,283
You just stay here and keep her out
of trouble. OK.

381
00:18:54,283 --> 00:18:56,483
Baroness Warsi. Hi.

382
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:59,603
Hi. I'm Shazia. Shazia Khan.

383
00:18:59,603 --> 00:19:03,243
Actually, Shazia Malik,
but I don't use my married name.

384
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,283
I mean, he doesn't own me.

385
00:19:05,283 --> 00:19:07,123
It's not the Middle Ages. Ha!

386
00:19:07,123 --> 00:19:09,323
LAUGHTER

387
00:19:09,323 --> 00:19:11,323
Can I just say I'm a huge fan?

388
00:19:11,323 --> 00:19:12,723
Thank you.

389
00:19:12,723 --> 00:19:14,723
I'll show you through to the
community centre

390
00:19:14,723 --> 00:19:15,923
and we can get started.

391
00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:17,283
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

392
00:19:17,283 --> 00:19:19,403
Lady Baron, Lady Baron,

393
00:19:19,403 --> 00:19:21,603
Mr Khan, community leader.

394
00:19:21,603 --> 00:19:23,123
They all know me.

395
00:19:23,123 --> 00:19:24,363
LAUGHTER

396
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:27,803
How about I get
you a nice cup of tea?

397
00:19:27,803 --> 00:19:30,003
Shazia, fetch a cup of tea
for the Lady Baron.

398
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,603
I'm fine, thank you.

399
00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:35,483
All right, how about a photo?
Two community leaders side-by-side.

400
00:19:35,483 --> 00:19:36,923
LAUGHTER

401
00:19:36,923 --> 00:19:39,123
I'm so sorry. Just ignore him.

402
00:19:39,123 --> 00:19:43,043
Dave, I need to show the
Lady Byron

403
00:19:43,043 --> 00:19:44,723
my Muslim women's bits.

404
00:19:44,723 --> 00:19:46,363
LAUGHTER

405
00:19:46,363 --> 00:19:47,843
Muslim Women's Day.

406
00:19:47,843 --> 00:19:49,363
Muslim Women's Day?

407
00:19:50,883 --> 00:19:52,523
Yup! What, so all these stalls

408
00:19:52,523 --> 00:19:54,763
are all about the empowerment
of women?

409
00:19:56,123 --> 00:19:57,283
Yup.

410
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:59,843
LAUGHTER
Go on, then.

411
00:19:59,843 --> 00:20:05,603
OK. So, first of all, here we have
take the beard off the Imam.

412
00:20:05,603 --> 00:20:06,963
LAUGHTER

413
00:20:06,963 --> 00:20:10,643
This is saying that Imams don't
need to have beards.

414
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,923
So Muslim womens can be
Imams too!

415
00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:17,363
But if the woman's already got
a beard, well,

416
00:20:17,363 --> 00:20:18,723
that's a bonus.

417
00:20:18,723 --> 00:20:20,323
LAUGHTER

418
00:20:20,323 --> 00:20:21,963
Now, here we have the stocks,

419
00:20:21,963 --> 00:20:25,403
representing how women used to be
shackled.

420
00:20:25,403 --> 00:20:26,883
But not any more!

421
00:20:26,883 --> 00:20:31,963
Because we've got the balloons that
says reach for the stars!

422
00:20:31,963 --> 00:20:34,603
LAUGHTER

423
00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:36,603
What about that?

424
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:40,723
Well, this is about empowerment,
you see.

425
00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:44,243
Womens can do man's jobs too!

426
00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:47,443
So the man can just sit down
and relax

427
00:20:47,443 --> 00:20:49,443
and play with his sudoku.

428
00:20:49,443 --> 00:20:50,923
LAUGHTER

429
00:20:50,923 --> 00:20:53,003
Now, follow me, follow me,
come on, come on.

430
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:54,523
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

431
00:20:54,523 --> 00:20:58,203
Now, this might look like a bouncy
mosque, but it's more than that.

432
00:20:58,203 --> 00:21:02,683
This actually represents
equality in Islam.

433
00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:07,123
Men and women doing the
bouncy-bouncy together!

434
00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:09,163
LAUGHTER

435
00:21:09,163 --> 00:21:12,603
It's amazing what you women can
do these days!

436
00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:14,723
Look at Mrs Warsi,

437
00:21:14,723 --> 00:21:17,843
how she finds the time to be
a Lady Baron

438
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:20,563
and also do the cooking
and cleaning

439
00:21:20,563 --> 00:21:23,203
is a lesson to you all!

440
00:21:23,203 --> 00:21:29,003
Lady Baron, we are so proud of what
you have achieved.

441
00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:33,363
And even prouder of your husband for
allowing you to do it!

442
00:21:33,363 --> 00:21:34,763
LAUGHTER

443
00:21:34,763 --> 00:21:35,963
What?!

444
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,803
He-he!

445
00:21:37,803 --> 00:21:40,043
Hee-hee-hee!

446
00:21:42,283 --> 00:21:46,963
Oh, help, help! Oh, twaddi!
Twaddi! Help! Help!

447
00:21:52,523 --> 00:21:53,763
Are you serious?

448
00:21:55,283 --> 00:21:59,923
SQUEAKY HELIUM VOICE: Lady Baron,
let me assure you,

449
00:21:59,923 --> 00:22:01,723
unequivocally

450
00:22:01,723 --> 00:22:04,283
and categorically,

451
00:22:04,283 --> 00:22:06,843
I am deadly serious.

452
00:22:06,843 --> 00:22:11,963
I would never treat
estimable women in Islam

453
00:22:11,963 --> 00:22:13,763
as a Mickey Mouse subject.

454
00:22:13,763 --> 00:22:15,683
LAUGHTER

455
00:22:15,683 --> 00:22:18,163
I think I've seen enough.

456
00:22:18,163 --> 00:22:21,483
Oh, twaddi! No! Come back!

457
00:22:21,483 --> 00:22:24,563
No, wait, come back. Dad.

458
00:22:24,563 --> 00:22:26,163
Ha! Idiot!

459
00:22:26,163 --> 00:22:28,523
It's not my fault.
It must have been Shabana.

460
00:22:28,523 --> 00:22:30,083
Where is she?

461
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:33,323
You were supposed to be looking
after her. I left her with Riaz.

462
00:22:33,323 --> 00:22:34,923
RIAZ YELLS

463
00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:37,563
She tricked me.

464
00:22:37,563 --> 00:22:39,483
She's getting a tattoo.

465
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:40,643
Find her!

466
00:22:54,323 --> 00:22:55,643
Stop!

467
00:22:57,443 --> 00:23:00,763
Get your filthy paws off that girl!

468
00:23:00,763 --> 00:23:03,763
Calm down, mate. Oh, my God!

469
00:23:03,763 --> 00:23:08,043
You've defaced her forever with this
hideous monstrosity!

470
00:23:09,523 --> 00:23:11,163
LAUGHTER

471
00:23:14,563 --> 00:23:16,523
It looks lovely on you, though.

472
00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:18,643
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

473
00:23:20,163 --> 00:23:24,163
Right, young lady, what do you think
you're playing at?

474
00:23:24,163 --> 00:23:27,443
I suppose it was you that put the
helium in the bouncy mosque.

475
00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:30,883
Everyone was laughing at me,
you know.

476
00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:33,323
You made me look like a complete
idiot.

477
00:23:33,323 --> 00:23:35,323
I'm not used to that. Really?(!)

478
00:23:35,323 --> 00:23:37,123
LAUGHTER

479
00:23:37,123 --> 00:23:40,163
You've seen me now. I'm alive.
You can go.

480
00:23:41,923 --> 00:23:44,563
Don't you want to talk or anything?

481
00:23:44,563 --> 00:23:46,323
You don't want to talk to me.

482
00:23:46,323 --> 00:23:49,203
Yes, I do. I don't mind talking.

483
00:23:49,203 --> 00:23:52,043
Really? About what?

484
00:23:52,043 --> 00:23:53,443
Anything.

485
00:23:53,443 --> 00:23:55,643
ANYTHING at all.

486
00:23:57,163 --> 00:24:02,723
OK... Mm. So, I think
maybe I'm bisexual.

487
00:24:02,723 --> 00:24:05,203
LAUGHTER

488
00:24:06,443 --> 00:24:09,403
Same here. I'm bisexual too.

489
00:24:09,403 --> 00:24:10,923
You're bisexual?

490
00:24:10,923 --> 00:24:12,963
Yes. Twice a year.

491
00:24:12,963 --> 00:24:14,283
Regular as clockwork.

492
00:24:15,603 --> 00:24:17,563
That's not what bisexual means.

493
00:24:19,283 --> 00:24:20,563
Isn't it?

494
00:24:20,563 --> 00:24:23,283
Bisexual means you're attracted to
both sexes.

495
00:24:23,283 --> 00:24:26,003
Oh, that's great. I'm glad we had
this chat.

496
00:24:26,003 --> 00:24:28,043
See? I knew it!

497
00:24:28,043 --> 00:24:31,603
No-one's interested in me. I'm just
an inconvenience, an embarrassment.

498
00:24:31,603 --> 00:24:34,403
And I didn't even want to...
Shhh. No, you're not.

499
00:24:35,443 --> 00:24:36,723
Salaam alaikum.

500
00:24:36,723 --> 00:24:38,483
LAUGHTER

501
00:24:38,483 --> 00:24:40,123
It's fine.

502
00:24:40,123 --> 00:24:42,883
I get it. No-one wants
to be around me.

503
00:24:42,883 --> 00:24:45,083
Of course they do. Really?

504
00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:48,883
My mum doesn't want me.
Yes, she does.

505
00:24:48,883 --> 00:24:51,843
She's just misunderstood, like me.

506
00:24:51,843 --> 00:24:54,483
I'm always being misunderstood.

507
00:24:54,483 --> 00:24:57,083
It's a Khan family trait.

508
00:24:57,083 --> 00:24:59,243
I don't understand. See?

509
00:24:59,243 --> 00:25:00,803
LAUGHTER

510
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:03,043
My whole life, she's never been
interested in me.

511
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:05,363
She just swans off to Pakistan for
months at a time

512
00:25:05,363 --> 00:25:07,123
and palms me off on the neighbours.

513
00:25:07,123 --> 00:25:08,563
Obviously, I'm so unbearable that

514
00:25:08,563 --> 00:25:10,963
no-one would ever want to
spend any time with me,

515
00:25:10,963 --> 00:25:12,963
unless they're being paid for it.

516
00:25:12,963 --> 00:25:14,203
That's not true.

517
00:25:14,203 --> 00:25:16,563
I want to spend time with you.

518
00:25:16,563 --> 00:25:18,723
Are you being paid?

519
00:25:18,723 --> 00:25:19,883
Maybe.

520
00:25:21,123 --> 00:25:23,163
Just go.

521
00:25:23,163 --> 00:25:24,723
I'm not your responsibility.

522
00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:26,243
But you're family.

523
00:25:26,243 --> 00:25:28,123
I don't have a family.

524
00:25:28,123 --> 00:25:29,803
Yes, you do.

525
00:25:29,803 --> 00:25:31,923
We're your family.

526
00:25:31,923 --> 00:25:35,243
We care about you very much.

527
00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:37,403
Ever since you were a little girl.

528
00:25:38,523 --> 00:25:40,683
When you lost me?

529
00:25:40,683 --> 00:25:42,763
When I found you again.

530
00:25:42,763 --> 00:25:46,003
At the lost property office
at Swansea Station?

531
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:48,083
I came back for you, didn't I?

532
00:25:48,083 --> 00:25:49,643
Like I did today.

533
00:25:49,643 --> 00:25:51,403
I'll always come and find you.

534
00:25:54,003 --> 00:25:57,683
Now, come on. Why don't you come
home, ah?

535
00:25:57,683 --> 00:26:00,403
Naani's making some food.

536
00:26:00,403 --> 00:26:02,203
I mean, it won't be very nice,

537
00:26:02,203 --> 00:26:04,923
but it'll cheer her up if we eat it,

538
00:26:04,923 --> 00:26:07,883
and she needs cheering up because
she'll be dead soon.

539
00:26:07,883 --> 00:26:09,523
LAUGHTER

540
00:26:09,523 --> 00:26:11,923
OK. Good girl. Done.

541
00:26:11,923 --> 00:26:14,163
Are you sure the rest of the family
won't mind?

542
00:26:14,163 --> 00:26:17,363
I mean, I said some pretty mean
things. Don't be silly.

543
00:26:17,363 --> 00:26:19,363
The Khan family motto?

544
00:26:19,363 --> 00:26:23,043
Forgive and forget. Ah? Chalo.

545
00:26:23,043 --> 00:26:24,563
Thank you.

546
00:26:24,563 --> 00:26:27,563
AUDIENCE: Oh!

547
00:26:33,083 --> 00:26:36,443
Here we are, one big, happy family.

548
00:26:36,443 --> 00:26:40,003
I'm happy because I got to meet
Baroness Warsi.

549
00:26:40,003 --> 00:26:43,803
Shazia's happy because she got to
do her boring women's speech. He-he!

550
00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:47,403
And Mrs Khan's happy because she's
got someone else to shout at.

551
00:26:48,683 --> 00:26:51,243
And Naani's happy
because she's not dead.

552
00:26:51,243 --> 00:26:53,123
LAUGHTER

553
00:26:53,123 --> 00:26:54,763
What about me, papa-ji?

554
00:26:54,763 --> 00:26:57,283
I came home to see you, and I found
HER in my room.

555
00:26:57,283 --> 00:26:58,683
Alia, you came home

556
00:26:58,683 --> 00:27:01,683
to get your washing done and ask
me for some money.

557
00:27:01,683 --> 00:27:04,403
Oh, yeah. Can I have some money?

558
00:27:04,403 --> 00:27:05,923
LAUGHTER

559
00:27:05,923 --> 00:27:09,283
Some things don't change, ah?
Here you are.

560
00:27:09,283 --> 00:27:10,883
And one for you.

561
00:27:10,883 --> 00:27:15,483
Thank you. Because you're
a member of the family now too, ah?

562
00:27:15,483 --> 00:27:18,443
Oh, thank you, Uncle. Hey, and you
know the best thing?

563
00:27:18,443 --> 00:27:24,083
She uploaded my brilliant speech up
onto my boob-tube channel.

564
00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:26,683
The mosque committee will definitely
make me chairman

565
00:27:26,683 --> 00:27:28,043
when they see this.

566
00:27:28,043 --> 00:27:29,563
ON COMPUTER: 'Lady Baron.

567
00:27:29,563 --> 00:27:32,283
# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the
Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...

568
00:27:32,283 --> 00:27:35,323
# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the
Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse,

569
00:27:35,323 --> 00:27:38,323
# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the
Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...' #

570
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:40,443
THEY LAUGH

571
00:27:40,443 --> 00:27:42,163
Oh, twaddi!