1 00:00:03,683 --> 00:00:05,723 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, 2 00:00:05,723 --> 00:00:08,083 the capital of British Pakistan. 3 00:00:13,803 --> 00:00:15,403 They all know me. 4 00:00:15,403 --> 00:00:16,883 Do you like my suit? 5 00:00:18,483 --> 00:00:20,763 Number one, Citizen Khan. 6 00:00:25,563 --> 00:00:28,483 Once upon a Christmas time in Sparkhill... 7 00:00:29,923 --> 00:00:33,443 ..there lived a young Pakistani man named Mr Khan. 8 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,803 As well as being handsome 9 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:39,563 and frequently mistaken for George Clooneys, 10 00:00:39,563 --> 00:00:43,123 Mr Khan was a cheerful sort of fellow. 11 00:00:43,123 --> 00:00:48,003 But this particular Christmas, he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. 12 00:00:49,043 --> 00:00:50,763 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 13 00:00:50,763 --> 00:00:52,203 Merry Christmas! 14 00:00:52,203 --> 00:00:54,483 Merry Christmas, Mr Khan! 15 00:00:54,483 --> 00:00:58,603 I'm not a community leader and nobody knows me. 16 00:01:06,363 --> 00:01:08,963 Hm, there's something not right with Mr Khan. 17 00:01:08,963 --> 00:01:11,043 Mr Khan? Yes. 18 00:01:11,043 --> 00:01:14,043 You know, beard, glasses... BLUE STAR HOIKS 19 00:01:15,723 --> 00:01:17,563 Oh, Mr Khan. 20 00:01:22,403 --> 00:01:24,963 So what do you think is wrong with him, then? 21 00:01:24,963 --> 00:01:26,363 Well, if you ask me, 22 00:01:26,363 --> 00:01:29,643 it all goes back to when he first moved to Sparkhill. 23 00:01:32,163 --> 00:01:34,643 The year was 1989, 24 00:01:34,643 --> 00:01:38,323 when Band Aid were top of the Christmas charts again. 25 00:01:38,323 --> 00:01:42,603 A flight to Pakistan cost only £149. 26 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:46,043 £199 if you wanted an actual seat. 27 00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:50,203 And the world was Mr Khan's oyster. 28 00:01:53,883 --> 00:01:55,683 Hello, Keith! 29 00:01:56,843 --> 00:01:58,483 Hang on... 30 00:01:58,483 --> 00:02:00,003 You'll like this. 31 00:02:01,403 --> 00:02:04,083 Salman, I like him, Mr Khan. 32 00:02:05,163 --> 00:02:07,643 What? Salman, I like him. 33 00:02:07,643 --> 00:02:10,643 Salman who? Salman Rushdie? 34 00:02:10,643 --> 00:02:12,243 No. No. 35 00:02:12,243 --> 00:02:14,563 Isn't that what you Muslims say? No. 36 00:02:14,563 --> 00:02:17,163 What do you say, then? I need a briefcase, Keith. 37 00:02:17,163 --> 00:02:18,483 Oh, right. 38 00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:21,563 No. I don't plan on staying in Sparkhill for ever. 39 00:02:21,563 --> 00:02:23,043 Oh, no. 40 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:25,763 I've got big dreams, ambitions. 41 00:02:25,763 --> 00:02:29,043 I'm going to be somebody, like Robert Maxwell. 42 00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:31,443 Whatever he can do, I can do, too, eh? 43 00:02:32,603 --> 00:02:34,323 What about this, Mr Khan? 44 00:02:34,323 --> 00:02:37,843 It's got a vinyl finish, lots of space for important documents. 45 00:02:37,843 --> 00:02:40,043 No, no, no, no. 46 00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:42,483 I need something that says I'm a proper businessman, 47 00:02:42,483 --> 00:02:45,403 a mover, a shaker, huh? 48 00:02:45,403 --> 00:02:48,083 I'm Mr Khan, they'll all know me. 49 00:02:49,243 --> 00:02:50,883 How about this? 50 00:02:50,883 --> 00:02:52,723 Executive briefcase, 51 00:02:52,723 --> 00:02:56,683 genuine leather, combination locks, brass finish. 52 00:02:56,683 --> 00:02:58,243 Not bad, huh? 53 00:02:59,243 --> 00:03:01,083 How much? No charge. 54 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,163 I can't afford that! Hang on... 55 00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:04,643 What did you say? 56 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,083 Call it a wedding present. 57 00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:07,883 Ha-ha! Thank you, Keith! 58 00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:09,363 Oh, yes. 59 00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:13,203 I'll get my name on it, huh, in gold letters. 60 00:03:14,203 --> 00:03:15,643 That is extra. 61 00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:18,643 Very generous of you, Keithy. 62 00:03:19,843 --> 00:03:23,603 I suppose, now you're married, Mrs Khan will want a place of her own? 63 00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:26,043 Oh, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith... 64 00:03:26,043 --> 00:03:29,683 I promised her father I'll keep her safe and warm 65 00:03:29,683 --> 00:03:31,483 with a roof over her head. 66 00:03:31,483 --> 00:03:34,603 You get all that in a flat above a chip shop. 67 00:03:36,443 --> 00:03:38,843 Ah, no mortgage, no ties. 68 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,443 Apart from this one, hey? 69 00:03:44,043 --> 00:03:46,763 I still can't believe we own our own home. 70 00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:49,883 Yes, I'll do all the DIYs, huh? 71 00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:52,003 Make this a home. 72 00:03:54,563 --> 00:03:56,083 Our home. 73 00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:57,963 Ah, just the two of us. 74 00:03:57,963 --> 00:03:59,083 Erm... 75 00:04:00,203 --> 00:04:02,043 The three of us. Hey? 76 00:04:04,683 --> 00:04:06,483 Toilet not work. 77 00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:08,403 Oh, I'd forgotten about you. 78 00:04:08,403 --> 00:04:10,083 Ha! 79 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,443 Oh, and I have another bit of news I need to tell you. 80 00:04:13,443 --> 00:04:16,283 Oh, me, too! Welcome, Mr Khan. 81 00:04:18,523 --> 00:04:21,163 Welcome, Riaz. Ready? 82 00:04:21,163 --> 00:04:23,923 In a minute. Mrs Khan has got something to tell me. 83 00:04:23,923 --> 00:04:25,363 You go first. 84 00:04:25,363 --> 00:04:27,923 Well, Riaz as has given me a tip-off 85 00:04:27,923 --> 00:04:32,403 that Mr Javed is looking for investors for his new business. 86 00:04:32,403 --> 00:04:34,643 He's going into the mobile phone business. 87 00:04:34,643 --> 00:04:36,203 What's a mobile phone? 88 00:04:36,203 --> 00:04:37,723 I don't know. 89 00:04:38,723 --> 00:04:40,123 Where's my briefcase? 90 00:04:40,123 --> 00:04:41,643 Ah-ha! 91 00:04:41,643 --> 00:04:42,923 Here we go. 92 00:04:42,923 --> 00:04:44,243 HE CHUCKLES 93 00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:47,523 How do I look? Like a proper businessman. 94 00:04:47,523 --> 00:04:49,483 Wish me luck. Good luck. 95 00:04:50,563 --> 00:04:52,643 Oh, no, no. Hang on... 96 00:04:52,643 --> 00:04:54,923 What was your news? I'll tell you later. 97 00:04:54,923 --> 00:04:57,643 No, just tell me now, sweetie. OK. 98 00:04:59,363 --> 00:05:01,003 I'm going to have a baby. 99 00:05:01,003 --> 00:05:03,843 Ah, ha-ha-ha! 100 00:05:03,843 --> 00:05:07,923 That's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news! 101 00:05:07,923 --> 00:05:09,283 Oh, no. Hold on. 102 00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:11,683 You need to have something to eat. Have you eaten? Sit down. 103 00:05:11,683 --> 00:05:13,963 Oh, no, you can't sit on there, but... I'm fine! 104 00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:15,803 Mr Khan, we should go. 105 00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:18,403 Riaz, I am going to be a daddy. 106 00:05:18,403 --> 00:05:20,483 Congratulations. But the Mr Javed. 107 00:05:20,483 --> 00:05:21,523 Forget Mr Javed. 108 00:05:22,603 --> 00:05:26,803 I need to make this house a palace fit for my family. 109 00:05:33,403 --> 00:05:38,283 Nine months later, Mr Khan's dream house was taking shape. 110 00:05:38,283 --> 00:05:41,523 Even if his business career, just like Robert Maxwell's, 111 00:05:41,523 --> 00:05:43,043 was about to sink. 112 00:05:44,283 --> 00:05:46,003 So what's this meeting you've got, then? 113 00:05:46,003 --> 00:05:48,923 I'm about to be a founder member 114 00:05:48,923 --> 00:05:52,123 of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association. 115 00:05:52,123 --> 00:05:54,923 Wow, you're going to be like one of them yuppies. 116 00:05:54,923 --> 00:05:56,763 Better than that, Keithy. 117 00:05:56,763 --> 00:05:58,883 I'm going to be a Pakistani yuppie. 118 00:05:59,963 --> 00:06:01,283 A "puppie"! 119 00:06:01,283 --> 00:06:04,243 Very impressive. I'm on my way, Keith. 120 00:06:04,243 --> 00:06:07,603 Nothing and no-one can stop me now. 121 00:06:07,603 --> 00:06:09,483 Oh...! 122 00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:12,083 Hospital. Oh...! 123 00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,683 Are you OK? 124 00:06:15,123 --> 00:06:18,683 Once again, our handsome young business mogul 125 00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:20,683 had his plans thwarted. 126 00:06:20,683 --> 00:06:23,843 How would Britain cope without this man's genius? 127 00:06:23,843 --> 00:06:28,363 But thankfully, four years later, opportunity knocked again... 128 00:06:28,363 --> 00:06:31,003 Thanks for taking me to the bus station, Riaz. No problem. 129 00:06:31,003 --> 00:06:35,203 I'm going to try and get a meeting with Mr Alan Sugars. 130 00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:38,843 Never heard of him. He makes rubbish computers. 131 00:06:40,203 --> 00:06:41,563 The school just called. 132 00:06:41,563 --> 00:06:43,723 Shazia has got her head stuck in the climbing frame. 133 00:06:45,123 --> 00:06:47,003 And Naani ate beetroot. 134 00:06:47,003 --> 00:06:49,243 Need hospital. Too much gas. 135 00:06:50,683 --> 00:06:52,163 And I'm pregnant again. 136 00:06:55,563 --> 00:06:58,283 Come on. Come on, here we go. 137 00:07:00,203 --> 00:07:03,923 And so, the handsome Mr Khan soldiered on 138 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:07,483 until Christmas Eve, 2016. 139 00:07:07,483 --> 00:07:11,283 When fate, in the unlikely form of Ginger Dave, 140 00:07:11,283 --> 00:07:13,963 presented him with one more chance. 141 00:07:14,923 --> 00:07:16,763 Merry Christmas, Riaz! 142 00:07:16,763 --> 00:07:18,043 Wa'alaikum salaam. 143 00:07:18,043 --> 00:07:20,683 I said, Merry Christmas! 144 00:07:20,683 --> 00:07:23,403 For the community centre. Oh... 145 00:07:23,403 --> 00:07:24,563 Oh, the penny drops. 146 00:07:27,123 --> 00:07:31,363 Riaz, when I said the penny drops, I didn't literally mean a penny. 147 00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:34,603 I need the coins for the electric meter. Oh, no, you don't. Look... 148 00:07:40,203 --> 00:07:41,883 Heh-hey...! 149 00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:43,283 Oh. 150 00:07:43,283 --> 00:07:45,443 Ah-ah-ah-ah. 151 00:07:45,443 --> 00:07:47,243 COINS RATTLE 152 00:07:47,243 --> 00:07:49,363 Thank you. What are you collecting for? 153 00:07:49,363 --> 00:07:52,403 Who cares? Something to do with the community centre. 154 00:07:52,403 --> 00:07:54,723 New car park, new roof, I don't know. 155 00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:57,003 I didn't know we needed a new roof. We don't. 156 00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:03,043 Your eyebrows are moving up and down. 157 00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:05,683 That's because I'm trying to tell you something 158 00:08:05,683 --> 00:08:08,243 of a slightly sensitive nature. Oh. 159 00:08:08,243 --> 00:08:11,963 Listen, Riaz, if I can raise enough money for this place, 160 00:08:11,963 --> 00:08:15,443 they'll have to name it after me. Oh, that again. 161 00:08:15,443 --> 00:08:17,283 Yes, that again. 162 00:08:17,283 --> 00:08:19,603 Why shouldn't it be named after me? 163 00:08:19,603 --> 00:08:22,603 Nowadays, all buildings are named after someone. 164 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:25,843 You've got the Burj Khalifa, named after President Khalifa. 165 00:08:25,843 --> 00:08:29,323 St Paul's Cathedral, named after St Paul. 166 00:08:29,323 --> 00:08:32,283 And Windsor Castle, named after...Barbara Windsor. 167 00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:35,283 Hello, Mr Khan. 168 00:08:35,283 --> 00:08:36,963 Oh, hello, Dave. 169 00:08:36,963 --> 00:08:38,883 Are you going to help me with my fundraising? 170 00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:41,523 Get the community centre a new name...new roof! 171 00:08:41,523 --> 00:08:43,523 I'd love to help, but I'm very busy. 172 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,043 We're using the community centre as a shelter for refugees 173 00:08:46,043 --> 00:08:47,803 over the Christmas period. 174 00:08:47,803 --> 00:08:50,003 We've got a cross-faith committee 175 00:08:50,003 --> 00:08:53,363 led by a rabbi, a priest and an imam. 176 00:08:55,843 --> 00:08:57,403 Is this some kind of joke? 177 00:08:59,883 --> 00:09:02,283 What's a rabbi doing here? 178 00:09:02,283 --> 00:09:04,883 We don't have anything in common with these people, Dave. 179 00:09:04,883 --> 00:09:06,763 Apart from snippy-snipping. 180 00:09:09,923 --> 00:09:12,723 This is charity in action, Mr Khan. 181 00:09:12,723 --> 00:09:15,843 Surely, as a fundraiser, you're in favour of helping refugees. 182 00:09:15,843 --> 00:09:17,083 Of course. 183 00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:19,603 I think it's very important that we welcome in 184 00:09:19,603 --> 00:09:22,443 the sad, the desperate and the disadvantaged. 185 00:09:22,443 --> 00:09:24,363 We welcomed you, didn't we? 186 00:09:25,763 --> 00:09:28,163 Anyway, everyone knows you're only raising money 187 00:09:28,163 --> 00:09:31,283 so you can get the community centre named after you. 188 00:09:31,283 --> 00:09:33,643 Whereas I am not doing this for personal recognition. 189 00:09:33,643 --> 00:09:36,803 But because, well, as a Muslim, it's my duty to help those in need. 190 00:09:36,803 --> 00:09:40,843 MOCKINGLY: "As a Muslim, it's my duty to help those in need." 191 00:09:40,843 --> 00:09:42,603 Although, as it turns out, 192 00:09:42,603 --> 00:09:45,443 I am going to be getting some recognition, too. What? 193 00:09:45,443 --> 00:09:48,283 Our community centre has been recognised by the Queen. 194 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:51,323 I'm going to a special Christmas dinner at Buckingham Palace tomorrow 195 00:09:51,323 --> 00:09:52,483 to receive an award. 196 00:09:56,523 --> 00:09:57,923 The Queen?! 197 00:09:59,003 --> 00:10:00,923 Buckingham Palace?! 198 00:10:00,923 --> 00:10:02,523 An award?! 199 00:10:02,523 --> 00:10:04,003 An award... What for? 200 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:06,163 Outstanding services to the community. 201 00:10:06,163 --> 00:10:09,723 Outstanding services to the community?! 202 00:10:09,723 --> 00:10:11,163 Yes. But... Yes? 203 00:10:11,163 --> 00:10:12,763 But... But what? 204 00:10:12,763 --> 00:10:14,003 But that's me! 205 00:10:14,003 --> 00:10:16,683 Mr Khan, I'm community leader, they all know me. 206 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:17,803 Mr Khan... 207 00:10:17,803 --> 00:10:20,283 Has this got anything to do with Prince Harry? 208 00:10:20,283 --> 00:10:21,323 Mr Khan... 209 00:10:21,323 --> 00:10:23,563 I bet it is Prince Harry. 210 00:10:23,563 --> 00:10:26,523 This is a ginger crony conspiracy! 211 00:10:27,803 --> 00:10:29,243 Mr Khan... 212 00:10:29,243 --> 00:10:34,163 I'll tell you what, this is nothing short of an absolute outrage! 213 00:10:34,163 --> 00:10:35,363 Mr Khan! What? 214 00:10:35,363 --> 00:10:36,643 You're invited, too. 215 00:10:36,643 --> 00:10:38,683 What a wonderful gesture. 216 00:10:40,803 --> 00:10:42,603 Merry Christmas. 217 00:10:42,603 --> 00:10:45,043 And a happy Hanukkah-schmonikka to you, too. 218 00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:51,923 Then the Queen will say, 219 00:10:51,923 --> 00:10:54,363 "How do you do, Mr Khan?" 220 00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:57,963 Then I'll say, "How do you do, Your Majesty?" 221 00:10:59,123 --> 00:11:01,883 Make sure you get a selfie, then I can put it on Instagram. 222 00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:04,043 and then shell get tagged by William and Kate 223 00:11:04,043 --> 00:11:06,283 and then, like, I'll be friends with them. 224 00:11:06,283 --> 00:11:08,883 Ah, sweetie, 225 00:11:08,883 --> 00:11:11,603 the Queen doesn't do "selfies". 226 00:11:11,603 --> 00:11:13,803 She does "onesies". 227 00:11:15,203 --> 00:11:19,763 Imagine, the Queen and me in a onesie together. 228 00:11:21,123 --> 00:11:24,323 Now, that would be something, wouldn't it? It really would. 229 00:11:24,323 --> 00:11:27,363 Now, I need to create a good impression. Where's my briefcase? 230 00:11:27,363 --> 00:11:30,643 There you are. Oh, hello, darling. Have you seen my briefcase? 231 00:11:30,643 --> 00:11:33,123 Well, never mind about that. You have to go and buy biscuits. 232 00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:35,883 Shazia's brought the children round and we've run out. 233 00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:38,603 We've got lots of biscuits. Someone ate them all. 234 00:11:38,603 --> 00:11:40,203 I'm sorry. 235 00:11:40,203 --> 00:11:42,443 I didn't realise you rationed them. 236 00:11:44,523 --> 00:11:46,643 I was considering issuing ration books, 237 00:11:46,643 --> 00:11:48,763 but I thought you'd probably eat those, too! 238 00:11:50,483 --> 00:11:52,883 Just go. All right, I'll go in a minute. 239 00:11:52,883 --> 00:11:54,323 I need to find my briefcase first. 240 00:11:54,323 --> 00:11:57,123 And I need you to help me with the Christmas dinner tomorrow. Yes, OK. 241 00:11:57,123 --> 00:11:59,443 And at some point, you have to go over to Mrs Malik's house 242 00:11:59,443 --> 00:12:02,883 and unblock her sink. I've got a large accumulation of fat. 243 00:12:08,923 --> 00:12:10,523 You're not kidding. 244 00:12:12,243 --> 00:12:14,763 Sweetie, you don't understand. 245 00:12:14,763 --> 00:12:16,763 You still haven't put up the Christmas lights 246 00:12:16,763 --> 00:12:18,563 and I've been asking you to do it for days. 247 00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:20,243 But I got my hands full already. 248 00:12:20,243 --> 00:12:23,363 Dad, Amjad's off to work and I need to feed Little Mo. 249 00:12:23,363 --> 00:12:25,803 Can you change Nadia's nappy? Oh, twadi! 250 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:28,323 Is this your briefcase, sir? 251 00:12:30,963 --> 00:12:32,523 No! 252 00:12:32,523 --> 00:12:36,043 This is Grandpa's special case! 253 00:12:36,043 --> 00:12:38,963 You mustn't stop him, Dad. You'll stifle his creativity. 254 00:12:39,963 --> 00:12:42,603 Well done, Mo. Good boy. 255 00:12:42,603 --> 00:12:44,563 What do you need that old briefcase for, anyway? 256 00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:46,243 It's what I've been trying to tell you. 257 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:48,163 I've got a special dinner in London tomorrow. 258 00:12:48,163 --> 00:12:51,763 I don't care if you're having dinner with the Queen of England 259 00:12:51,763 --> 00:12:53,123 in Buckingham Palace. 260 00:12:53,123 --> 00:12:55,203 Well, it's funny you should say that... 261 00:12:55,203 --> 00:12:58,123 Tomorrow is Christmas Day and we need you here. 262 00:12:58,123 --> 00:13:00,963 But the community centre is getting an award. So what? 263 00:13:00,963 --> 00:13:02,443 So what?! 264 00:13:02,443 --> 00:13:05,443 I've been waiting for this moment for the past 30 years. 265 00:13:05,443 --> 00:13:08,043 Well, you can't go. But... 266 00:13:08,043 --> 00:13:09,123 Stop. 267 00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:11,603 It's Christmas Day and you need to be here with your family 268 00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:12,643 and that's that. 269 00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:15,123 Right! 270 00:13:17,483 --> 00:13:18,683 Fine! 271 00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:20,523 I'll change the crappy nappy! 272 00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:24,323 Then I'll put the Boxing Christmas lights up! 273 00:13:24,323 --> 00:13:28,923 And then I'll shove my hand up Mrs Malik's U-bend! 274 00:13:31,923 --> 00:13:34,163 Because that's all I'm good for. 275 00:13:34,163 --> 00:13:35,683 All the little jobs. 276 00:13:35,683 --> 00:13:37,963 I'm not a big shot. 277 00:13:37,963 --> 00:13:40,123 I'm not a businessman. 278 00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:42,883 I'm not even a community leader! 279 00:13:44,803 --> 00:13:47,363 I'm just a nobody! 280 00:13:50,283 --> 00:13:52,203 Toilet not working. 281 00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:58,803 Poor Mr Khan. 282 00:13:58,803 --> 00:14:02,323 Instead of going to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen, 283 00:14:02,323 --> 00:14:05,563 with his executive briefcase, 284 00:14:05,563 --> 00:14:09,883 he had to go to Mr Ali's Cash And Carry to buy a plunger. 285 00:14:15,723 --> 00:14:17,643 'Proper businessman... 286 00:14:17,643 --> 00:14:19,443 'Who was I kidding?' 287 00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:24,163 'Stupid briefcase! 288 00:14:25,723 --> 00:14:29,203 'I'll never need that ever again.' 289 00:14:34,883 --> 00:14:36,323 Oh, twadi! 290 00:14:36,323 --> 00:14:38,243 Oh, help! 291 00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:39,723 Help! Oh, God! 292 00:14:39,723 --> 00:14:41,203 No! 293 00:14:41,203 --> 00:14:42,523 Argh! 294 00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:46,283 There we are. 295 00:14:46,283 --> 00:14:48,443 All safe and sound. 296 00:14:52,803 --> 00:14:55,883 If you're after my wallet, you're wasting your time. 297 00:14:55,883 --> 00:14:57,483 I threw it in the canal. 298 00:14:57,483 --> 00:14:59,763 Along with my house keys and my mobile blooming phone. 299 00:14:59,763 --> 00:15:02,523 Of course I'm not. 300 00:15:02,523 --> 00:15:04,643 Do I look like a mugger? 301 00:15:05,603 --> 00:15:08,123 A chugger, then. You're all after money. 302 00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:10,723 Don't be such a silly, Mr Khan. 303 00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:12,363 You know who I am? 304 00:15:12,363 --> 00:15:14,963 Of course I do. You're my mission. 305 00:15:14,963 --> 00:15:19,963 I was sent by a higher power to help you. 306 00:15:19,963 --> 00:15:22,963 Oh, not Reverend Green, who knocks on our door every Christmas! 307 00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,963 Higher than that. 308 00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:31,403 Look, Mrs... Whoever you are. 309 00:15:31,403 --> 00:15:33,603 Well, I suppose you could call me... 310 00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,803 Angel-a. 311 00:15:36,843 --> 00:15:38,323 Right. 312 00:15:38,323 --> 00:15:40,283 Or Angel-ena. 313 00:15:40,283 --> 00:15:43,683 Or Angel-ica. 314 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,643 I'm saying... 315 00:15:45,643 --> 00:15:47,963 I'm an angel. 316 00:15:47,963 --> 00:15:50,043 You know, from heaven. 317 00:15:50,043 --> 00:15:51,443 OK. 318 00:15:51,443 --> 00:15:54,123 Obviously, I'm not actually an angel. 319 00:15:54,123 --> 00:15:55,683 Obviously. 320 00:15:55,683 --> 00:15:58,243 I mean, I haven't got my wings yet. 321 00:15:59,323 --> 00:16:01,763 Well, it's been lovely chitty-chatting, but I have to go. 322 00:16:01,763 --> 00:16:03,803 No! Don't do it. 323 00:16:03,803 --> 00:16:06,723 You've got so much to live for. What? 324 00:16:06,723 --> 00:16:09,163 You were going to jump in the canal. No, I wasn't. 325 00:16:09,163 --> 00:16:11,363 I'm trying to get my briefcase back. 326 00:16:11,363 --> 00:16:14,323 But I might as well jump into the canal. What difference does it make? 327 00:16:14,323 --> 00:16:16,723 Oh, how can you say that? 328 00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:18,963 Every life has meaning. 329 00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:21,723 Not mine. I wanted to be somebody. 330 00:16:22,683 --> 00:16:24,243 "Mr Khan, they all know me." 331 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,283 I was just kidding myself. 332 00:16:27,283 --> 00:16:29,003 I'm a nobody. 333 00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:31,203 I should never have moved to Sparkhill. 334 00:16:33,323 --> 00:16:35,043 What if you never did? 335 00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:36,483 What? 336 00:16:36,483 --> 00:16:41,403 I'm going to show you what Sparkhill would be like without you. 337 00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:45,363 SHE CHANTS 338 00:16:45,363 --> 00:16:49,083 SHE ULULATES 339 00:16:50,723 --> 00:16:52,683 And they say Muslims are weird. 340 00:16:56,163 --> 00:16:59,003 Well, what do you think? About what? 341 00:16:59,003 --> 00:17:02,763 Sparkhill, as it would be if you'd never moved here. 342 00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:05,443 Right, you do realise it's all the same. Is it? 343 00:17:05,443 --> 00:17:08,483 Yes. Is it, though? Yes, it is, though. 344 00:17:09,683 --> 00:17:12,483 Hang on, where is Tasty Fried Chicken? 345 00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:14,963 Ah-ha, you see? 346 00:17:14,963 --> 00:17:17,723 Without you here, they've gone out of business. 347 00:17:19,923 --> 00:17:23,483 Sparkhill without a chicken shop, has the world gone mad? 348 00:17:23,483 --> 00:17:25,243 And look over there. 349 00:17:26,563 --> 00:17:30,403 That should be Mr Ali's Cash And Carry. He's gone, too. 350 00:17:30,403 --> 00:17:33,323 But what about my cheap toilet rolls? 351 00:17:33,323 --> 00:17:37,683 Without the amount you buy, he's gone out of business, as well. 352 00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,403 What's going on? Is this some kind of trick? 353 00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:47,403 I told you, this is a version of Sparkhill where you never existed. 354 00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:51,963 Riaz! 355 00:17:51,963 --> 00:17:54,163 It's me. Your old friend, Mr Khan. 356 00:17:56,123 --> 00:17:58,963 What are you doing? Muslims don't drink! 357 00:17:58,963 --> 00:18:00,923 I lost my faith a long time ago. 358 00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:03,683 But you're the funeral director at the mosque. 359 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,323 Wow... 360 00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:08,683 That's what I should have done. Where were you 25 years ago? 361 00:18:08,683 --> 00:18:10,803 Right, just stop messing around, huh, 362 00:18:10,803 --> 00:18:12,803 and just tell this crazy woman that you know me. 363 00:18:14,363 --> 00:18:17,483 I've never met you before in my life. Has she paid you to do this? 364 00:18:17,483 --> 00:18:19,403 Stop lying! Keep back! 365 00:18:19,403 --> 00:18:21,243 I wear Hai Karate. 366 00:18:22,963 --> 00:18:24,363 Riaz! 367 00:18:29,683 --> 00:18:32,123 I realise it's a lot for you to take in. 368 00:18:32,123 --> 00:18:34,843 This can't be real. This is just a dream. 369 00:18:34,843 --> 00:18:36,923 Do I look like a dream to you? 370 00:18:38,123 --> 00:18:39,763 Ow! 371 00:18:39,763 --> 00:18:42,603 So you're really an angel? Angel-in-waiting. 372 00:18:42,603 --> 00:18:45,523 But why did they send you to me? You do know I'm Muslim? 373 00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:46,923 Oh, that's OK. 374 00:18:46,923 --> 00:18:51,523 We're all mixed up together up there - Christians, Muslims, Jews. 375 00:18:51,523 --> 00:18:53,883 Turns out we were all right. 376 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,883 What about the Hindus? Ah, no, I'm afraid not. 377 00:18:56,883 --> 00:18:58,723 I knew it! 378 00:19:00,083 --> 00:19:02,723 We're just one big, happy family. 379 00:19:02,723 --> 00:19:05,483 We do each other's festivals and everything. 380 00:19:05,483 --> 00:19:08,723 Christmas, Eid, Rosh Hashana... 381 00:19:08,723 --> 00:19:10,763 How's that working out for you? 382 00:19:10,763 --> 00:19:12,563 Ramadan's pretty tough. 383 00:19:13,523 --> 00:19:16,083 Now, close your eyes. There's one more thing I want you to see. 384 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,523 But this is just a community centre. Is it, though? 385 00:19:18,523 --> 00:19:20,123 Yes, it is, though! 386 00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:26,163 You can open them now. 387 00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,523 What do you think? 388 00:19:29,523 --> 00:19:30,763 Is this... 389 00:19:31,763 --> 00:19:32,883 ..heaven? 390 00:19:33,963 --> 00:19:35,683 No, it's a pound shop. 391 00:19:35,683 --> 00:19:37,803 It looks like heaven to me! 392 00:19:37,803 --> 00:19:40,483 Trust me, heaven's nothing like this. 393 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:43,123 So what happened to the community centre? 394 00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:46,163 Without you, Mr Khan, there is no community centre. 395 00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:47,363 What? 396 00:19:47,363 --> 00:19:51,483 Well, for 25 years, you were the one constant in that place. 397 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:55,243 Mosque managers, caretakers, they all came and went. 398 00:19:55,243 --> 00:19:57,363 But you were always there. 399 00:19:58,403 --> 00:20:01,523 Well, I am the only one who knows how to fiddle the electric meter. 400 00:20:01,523 --> 00:20:03,203 You kept that place going. 401 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,123 And they still never named the place after me. 402 00:20:05,123 --> 00:20:08,323 But without you, it didn't survive. 403 00:20:08,323 --> 00:20:11,603 It was bought up by some greedy businessman. 404 00:20:11,603 --> 00:20:14,203 Oi, you two, buy something or clear off. 405 00:20:14,203 --> 00:20:15,843 Ha-ha, hello, Dave! 406 00:20:15,843 --> 00:20:17,683 It is Dave, isn't it? 407 00:20:17,683 --> 00:20:20,083 That's right. Dave Prentice. This is my shop. 408 00:20:20,083 --> 00:20:22,283 Ha! Are you the greedy businessman? 409 00:20:23,363 --> 00:20:24,443 Yes. 410 00:20:24,443 --> 00:20:26,563 Ginger Dave! 411 00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:29,083 Are you taking the ginger biscuit? 412 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,323 I find that term offensive. 413 00:20:32,323 --> 00:20:36,723 Chill-ax, Davey. It's just a bit of banter between friends. 414 00:20:36,723 --> 00:20:38,603 I'm not your friend. 415 00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:40,323 Keith! 416 00:20:41,643 --> 00:20:44,363 Oh, Keithy! My next door neighbour. 417 00:20:45,483 --> 00:20:48,003 AS KEITH: Salman I like him, Mr Khan. 418 00:20:48,003 --> 00:20:49,323 Sorry? 419 00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:51,283 We're not neighbours. 420 00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:55,163 The house next door to me has been left to rot for 25 years. 421 00:20:55,163 --> 00:20:59,123 How dare you? Anyway, you're the one who put the wallpaper up. 422 00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:01,403 Buy something or clear off. 423 00:21:02,883 --> 00:21:03,923 Keith! 424 00:21:06,843 --> 00:21:09,523 Excuse me, sir. How much is this? 425 00:21:11,683 --> 00:21:13,163 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 426 00:21:13,163 --> 00:21:14,323 One pound. 427 00:21:14,323 --> 00:21:16,003 Oh...! 428 00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:19,683 Erm, what about this? 429 00:21:19,683 --> 00:21:21,843 That's one pound, too. 430 00:21:21,843 --> 00:21:24,563 Everything's a pound. It's a pound shop. 431 00:21:25,763 --> 00:21:27,843 I never thought of that. Thank you, sir. 432 00:21:27,843 --> 00:21:29,283 That's OK, Amjad. 433 00:21:29,283 --> 00:21:31,163 At least you know who I am. 434 00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:33,963 No, I...I did think I do. 435 00:21:33,963 --> 00:21:37,083 Yes, you do. You just call me sir. You always call me sir. 436 00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:39,843 Mummy says it's polite to call people sir. 437 00:21:39,843 --> 00:21:43,083 Amjad, hurry up. We can't be seen in here. 438 00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:46,123 Let's go before anyone recognises us. 439 00:21:46,123 --> 00:21:49,283 I see you haven't changed. You're still the same, huh. 440 00:21:52,643 --> 00:21:55,243 Amjad's not the same, though. 441 00:21:55,243 --> 00:21:56,843 He looked up to you. 442 00:21:56,843 --> 00:21:59,683 Now he's stuck at home with his mother. 443 00:21:59,683 --> 00:22:01,843 He'll survive. They all will. 444 00:22:05,443 --> 00:22:06,683 Hello, sweetie. 445 00:22:07,763 --> 00:22:09,083 Oh... 446 00:22:09,083 --> 00:22:11,763 Hello. So you know who I am? 447 00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:15,243 Of course I know who you are. We were married, weren't we? 448 00:22:15,243 --> 00:22:16,603 Were? 449 00:22:16,603 --> 00:22:20,563 Well, it was 25 years ago. I know. It was the happiest day of my life. 450 00:22:20,563 --> 00:22:22,763 Oh, mine, too. 451 00:22:22,763 --> 00:22:27,123 And then you got a briefcase and became a proper businessman. 452 00:22:27,123 --> 00:22:29,563 I always wanted to be a proper businessman. 453 00:22:29,563 --> 00:22:31,603 And then you went off on your business trips 454 00:22:31,603 --> 00:22:33,883 and stayed away for weeks in five-star hotels. 455 00:22:35,203 --> 00:22:36,963 These five-star hotels, 456 00:22:36,963 --> 00:22:40,283 did they have infinity pools and executive suites? 457 00:22:40,283 --> 00:22:41,483 Idiot! 458 00:22:41,483 --> 00:22:44,403 And then one day you never came back. What? 459 00:22:44,403 --> 00:22:47,723 And that was the end of it. Since then, it's just been me and my mum. 460 00:22:47,723 --> 00:22:49,883 But what about our children? What children? 461 00:22:49,883 --> 00:22:52,363 Alia and Shazia. Who? 462 00:22:52,363 --> 00:22:54,603 Don't you see, Mr Khan? 463 00:22:54,603 --> 00:22:56,483 They never existed. 464 00:22:56,483 --> 00:22:58,523 Oh, it can't be. 465 00:22:59,643 --> 00:23:01,843 And we had grandchildren, too. 466 00:23:01,843 --> 00:23:03,963 Little Mo and Baby Nadia. 467 00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:06,643 I don't know what you're talking about. Sweetie, tell me... 468 00:23:06,643 --> 00:23:07,923 Tell me this isn't real. 469 00:23:07,923 --> 00:23:10,083 Tell me you're still my little gulab jamun. 470 00:23:10,083 --> 00:23:11,723 Stay away from me. 471 00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:15,323 You made your choice. You left me and you left Sparkhill. 472 00:23:15,323 --> 00:23:17,243 Come on, Mum. 473 00:23:17,243 --> 00:23:19,123 No... Wait! 474 00:23:20,123 --> 00:23:21,763 Come back! 475 00:23:21,763 --> 00:23:23,123 Come back! 476 00:23:24,323 --> 00:23:26,603 I want to live in Sparkhill! 477 00:23:26,603 --> 00:23:29,243 I want to live in Sparkhill! 478 00:23:29,243 --> 00:23:33,163 I want to live in Sparkhill! I want to live in Sparkhill! 479 00:23:33,163 --> 00:23:34,923 Mr Khan... I want to live in Sparkhill! 480 00:23:34,923 --> 00:23:36,843 Mr Khan... Are you OK? 481 00:23:36,843 --> 00:23:38,283 Riaz? 482 00:23:39,683 --> 00:23:43,483 I fished this out of the canal. Have you seen a woman, about this tall? 483 00:23:44,483 --> 00:23:46,603 Hang on...you know my name. 484 00:23:46,603 --> 00:23:48,963 You're Mr Khan. They all know do. 485 00:23:48,963 --> 00:23:50,443 And this is Sparkhill? 486 00:23:50,443 --> 00:23:53,563 Sparkhill with a chicken shop and a community centre 487 00:23:53,563 --> 00:23:55,883 and a cash-and-carry? Yes. 488 00:23:55,883 --> 00:23:57,523 And Mrs Khan... 489 00:23:57,523 --> 00:23:59,163 and Alia 490 00:23:59,163 --> 00:24:00,523 and the other one? 491 00:24:00,523 --> 00:24:01,723 Yes. 492 00:24:01,723 --> 00:24:06,043 And you're a big, fat Muslim undertaker? 493 00:24:06,043 --> 00:24:07,963 OK. Oh, Riaz. 494 00:24:07,963 --> 00:24:10,123 Don't take this the wrong way... 495 00:24:11,603 --> 00:24:13,403 ..but I love you! 496 00:24:17,603 --> 00:24:19,123 Sparkhill! 497 00:24:19,123 --> 00:24:20,603 Yeah! 498 00:24:20,603 --> 00:24:22,603 Hello, Sparkhill! 499 00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:27,883 Merry Christmas, Mr Ali's Cash-And-Carry! 500 00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:29,643 Woohoo! 501 00:24:29,643 --> 00:24:32,523 Merry Christmas, my Pakistani people! 502 00:24:33,803 --> 00:24:35,243 Woohoo! 503 00:24:35,243 --> 00:24:38,323 Merry Christmas, Tasty Fried Chicken! 504 00:24:38,323 --> 00:24:43,123 Make mine a bargain bucket and six extra hot wings! 505 00:24:44,203 --> 00:24:45,683 Whoa! 506 00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:46,803 Argh! 507 00:24:48,643 --> 00:24:50,043 Watch it! 508 00:24:53,563 --> 00:24:56,603 Merry Christmas, everyone! 509 00:25:02,443 --> 00:25:04,963 I should have let him go and get his silly award. 510 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,643 What if he's done something stupid? 511 00:25:06,643 --> 00:25:10,123 If he's not coming back, can I have his chair? 512 00:25:11,603 --> 00:25:14,603 Is that all you can think of? No, you're right. 513 00:25:14,603 --> 00:25:16,643 Can I had his footstool, too? 514 00:25:16,643 --> 00:25:18,123 I'm back! 515 00:25:18,123 --> 00:25:20,323 Oh, buggers! 516 00:25:20,323 --> 00:25:22,763 Where have you been? We've all been so worried. 517 00:25:22,763 --> 00:25:24,923 Well, some of us have. 518 00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:27,803 I've been...getting Christmas presents. 519 00:25:27,803 --> 00:25:29,443 You stupid, stupid man! 520 00:25:29,443 --> 00:25:32,043 How could you go off like that? We called and called. 521 00:25:32,043 --> 00:25:34,203 What on earth were you thinking of? Why...? 522 00:25:34,203 --> 00:25:35,443 Oh! 523 00:25:41,923 --> 00:25:44,283 Well, I think that covers everything. 524 00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:47,683 I'm so glad to be back... 525 00:25:48,843 --> 00:25:50,083 ..with all my family. 526 00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:53,163 My lovely, beautiful daughter Alia. 527 00:25:55,803 --> 00:25:58,203 And other daughter...Shazia. 528 00:25:58,203 --> 00:26:00,603 Also lovely and beautiful. 529 00:26:02,243 --> 00:26:04,843 And Amjad's here, too. 530 00:26:06,003 --> 00:26:08,243 I love you all. 531 00:26:08,243 --> 00:26:11,323 And I wouldn't change a thing about any of you. 532 00:26:11,323 --> 00:26:14,283 Shall I cook us something? No, thank you. 533 00:26:14,283 --> 00:26:16,243 DOORBELL RINGS 534 00:26:16,243 --> 00:26:17,643 Who's that? 535 00:26:17,643 --> 00:26:22,123 I ordered us a Tasty Fried Chicken for us on the way home. Yeah! 536 00:26:22,123 --> 00:26:24,603 I come bearing wings! 537 00:26:25,563 --> 00:26:27,403 What an angel. 538 00:26:32,803 --> 00:26:34,483 Here you are. 539 00:26:34,483 --> 00:26:36,963 Now, give me a nappy to change. You don't have to do that. 540 00:26:36,963 --> 00:26:38,403 No, but I want to. 541 00:26:38,403 --> 00:26:39,763 I love poop. 542 00:26:39,763 --> 00:26:42,323 Lovely, lovely poopy! 543 00:26:42,323 --> 00:26:46,243 He's just doing all this so he can go to Buckingham Palace tomorrow. 544 00:26:46,243 --> 00:26:48,883 No, I'm not, you great big biscuit barrel! 545 00:26:51,163 --> 00:26:54,243 There's only one palace I want to be in. 546 00:26:54,243 --> 00:26:56,363 And I'm standing in it right now, 547 00:26:56,363 --> 00:26:58,923 right here, in Sparkhill. 548 00:27:00,203 --> 00:27:03,963 And so our story ends happily for Mr Khan, 549 00:27:03,963 --> 00:27:08,643 who spent another lovely poopy Christmas with his family. 550 00:27:09,803 --> 00:27:12,803 You know, this is the best Christmas ever. 551 00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:15,523 I've learned... 552 00:27:15,523 --> 00:27:19,123 that people you love are all that matters. 553 00:27:19,123 --> 00:27:21,923 And in our own small way... 554 00:27:21,923 --> 00:27:25,803 we can all make a difference in this world. 555 00:27:25,803 --> 00:27:28,203 Isn't that right? A doggy! 556 00:27:30,443 --> 00:27:32,243 Exactly.