1 00:00:03,523 --> 00:00:05,843 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, 2 00:00:05,843 --> 00:00:07,963 the capital of British Pakistan. 3 00:00:14,163 --> 00:00:15,603 They all know me. 4 00:00:15,603 --> 00:00:16,723 Do you like my suit? 5 00:00:18,123 --> 00:00:19,243 Number one. 6 00:00:19,243 --> 00:00:20,283 Citizen Khan. 7 00:00:21,643 --> 00:00:23,603 TANNOY: 'Flight 262 now landed. 8 00:00:23,603 --> 00:00:26,683 'Please collect your baggage from the carousel number two. 9 00:00:26,683 --> 00:00:29,883 'Any unattended baggage will be removed or destroyed.' 10 00:00:29,883 --> 00:00:31,643 Come on, hurry up, our bags are here. 11 00:00:31,643 --> 00:00:33,283 Dad! Quick! That one's mine! 12 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,483 HE SIGHS 13 00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,243 And that one! 14 00:00:39,003 --> 00:00:40,283 And that one. 15 00:00:41,443 --> 00:00:42,603 And that one. 16 00:00:44,883 --> 00:00:48,163 You know the problem with this family? Too much excess baggage. 17 00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:49,843 It's all my wedding stuff, Dad. 18 00:00:49,843 --> 00:00:51,483 I wasn't talking about that. 19 00:00:52,563 --> 00:00:54,163 Why do you need so much stuff? 20 00:00:54,163 --> 00:00:56,603 It's her wedding! Her big day. 21 00:00:56,603 --> 00:00:58,083 Everyone will be there. 22 00:00:58,083 --> 00:01:00,443 All my friends, all my family. 23 00:01:00,443 --> 00:01:02,803 We've just seen most of your family back in Pakistan, 24 00:01:02,803 --> 00:01:04,643 and ruddy useless they turned out to be! 25 00:01:04,643 --> 00:01:06,363 There's Naani's trunk. 26 00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:11,603 LOUD THUD 27 00:01:12,643 --> 00:01:13,963 I would've thought one of them 28 00:01:13,963 --> 00:01:16,643 would offer to contribute to the wedding costs, but, oh, no. 29 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:20,123 All they gave us to bring back is her and her blooming trunk. 30 00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:22,283 I don't think you can blame her, Papaji. 31 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,363 Yeah, it's not Naani's fault she's got no money. 32 00:01:24,363 --> 00:01:26,643 No, because that's not Naani. 33 00:01:30,683 --> 00:01:32,043 SHE SPEAKS URDU 34 00:01:33,563 --> 00:01:35,523 SHE SPEAKS URDU 35 00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:36,803 Oh, my God! 36 00:01:36,803 --> 00:01:39,163 Where's Naani? I thought you put her in the chair. 37 00:01:39,163 --> 00:01:42,163 She must still be on the plane. BOTH: Oh, my God! 38 00:01:42,163 --> 00:01:45,123 Chillax. We'll just tell someone and they can go and collect her. 39 00:01:45,123 --> 00:01:48,963 You'd better hurry up. It's leaving for Mogadishu in five minutes. 40 00:01:54,443 --> 00:01:55,803 Right. 41 00:02:00,723 --> 00:02:02,163 Oi! 42 00:02:03,683 --> 00:02:04,763 Sir! 43 00:02:05,963 --> 00:02:07,163 Sir! 44 00:02:09,283 --> 00:02:11,763 Sir! Sir! Please! You can't go down there! 45 00:02:11,763 --> 00:02:16,163 It's OK. I'm Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me...aaargh! 46 00:02:16,163 --> 00:02:17,723 LOUD THUD 47 00:02:17,723 --> 00:02:19,883 HE GRUNTS Oh, no. 48 00:02:22,603 --> 00:02:23,723 Oh, twaddi. 49 00:02:24,763 --> 00:02:25,963 Well? 50 00:02:25,963 --> 00:02:27,843 They said the flight's already gone. 51 00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:30,163 SHE GASPS Naani's on her way to Mogadishu! 52 00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:31,443 With Dad! 53 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:32,923 SHE SNORTS Brilliant. 54 00:02:34,203 --> 00:02:36,683 Naani! Haan. Where have you been? 55 00:02:36,683 --> 00:02:38,363 Toilet. 56 00:02:38,363 --> 00:02:39,763 And Accessorize. 57 00:02:43,043 --> 00:02:45,163 Oh, twaddi! 58 00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:47,923 HE SCREAMS 59 00:02:52,483 --> 00:02:53,923 There she is. 60 00:02:59,803 --> 00:03:02,203 Hello, Papaji! Hello, beti. 61 00:03:02,203 --> 00:03:05,803 Look, I got the new call-to-prayer app on my phone. 62 00:03:05,803 --> 00:03:07,763 CALL TO PRAYER PLAYS 63 00:03:10,963 --> 00:03:12,803 CALL TO PRAYER STOPS 64 00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:17,043 Good, eh? And it lets you pause Angry Birds while you pray! 65 00:03:17,043 --> 00:03:18,963 BELL TINKLES 66 00:03:18,963 --> 00:03:20,363 OK, OK! 67 00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:22,803 I gave her a bell. 68 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,523 Oh, so she doesn't get lost again. 69 00:03:24,523 --> 00:03:27,123 Ah. Plus it stops her killing the sparrows. 70 00:03:28,883 --> 00:03:30,323 Custard creamies? 71 00:03:30,323 --> 00:03:32,323 Chillax, Cookie Monster! 72 00:03:32,323 --> 00:03:33,723 I haven't got any. 73 00:03:33,723 --> 00:03:35,163 Eat your fish fingers. 74 00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:40,883 What do you think of this? 75 00:03:40,883 --> 00:03:42,323 "Silver Beech Homes. 76 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,963 "Secure accommodation for the elderly and infirm." 77 00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:46,523 Looks all right. 78 00:03:46,523 --> 00:03:48,043 Will they take you though? 79 00:03:49,603 --> 00:03:51,843 It's not for me. It's for Naani. 80 00:03:51,843 --> 00:03:53,563 Naani's going to stay in a home? 81 00:03:53,563 --> 00:03:57,083 Oh, yes! Thank you, God! 82 00:03:57,083 --> 00:03:59,483 I knew you were on my side. 83 00:03:59,483 --> 00:04:03,083 Mr Khan and God - one, Naani - nil 84 00:04:03,083 --> 00:04:04,683 Now I'm working at the supermarket, 85 00:04:04,683 --> 00:04:06,683 I won't be able to be with her all the time. 86 00:04:06,683 --> 00:04:08,603 We've got to think what's best for her. 87 00:04:08,603 --> 00:04:10,403 Exactly. I'm only thinking of her. 88 00:04:10,403 --> 00:04:12,083 I think she'll be happier there. 89 00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:13,443 Of course she will! 90 00:04:13,443 --> 00:04:15,963 Look, they got bingo! 91 00:04:15,963 --> 00:04:17,523 You like bingo, don't you? 92 00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:18,683 And day trips. 93 00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:21,083 It's like wrinkly Butlins. 94 00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:24,203 I know it's not the way we usually do things in our culture... 95 00:04:24,203 --> 00:04:27,803 Sweetie, we Pakistanis need to adopt British values, 96 00:04:27,803 --> 00:04:30,363 one of them being dump your old peoples into a nice home 97 00:04:30,363 --> 00:04:32,563 till Christmas, isn't it? 98 00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:34,163 What do they do in Pakistan? 99 00:04:34,163 --> 00:04:38,883 Alia, beti, in our culture, when a person becomes too old and frail 100 00:04:38,883 --> 00:04:44,003 to look after themselves, we bring them in, give them food and warmth, 101 00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:48,883 then take them up to the hills and leave them for the dogs and crows. 102 00:04:48,883 --> 00:04:50,683 It's nature's way. 103 00:04:50,683 --> 00:04:53,603 You've been going to the day centre there, haven't you? 104 00:04:53,603 --> 00:04:55,363 They're all really nice. 105 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,243 The manager, Sam, has taken a real shine to her. 106 00:04:58,243 --> 00:04:59,803 Sam is my friend. 107 00:04:59,803 --> 00:05:01,283 See, it's perfect. 108 00:05:01,283 --> 00:05:04,563 They already know her, so it won't be a nasty shock to them. 109 00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:07,843 Oh, I'll miss her. 110 00:05:07,843 --> 00:05:09,563 Me too. 111 00:05:09,563 --> 00:05:12,923 I know, beti. We'll all miss her. 112 00:05:12,923 --> 00:05:15,123 But we have to respect Naani's wishes, 113 00:05:15,123 --> 00:05:16,923 however sad that makes us feel. 114 00:05:21,523 --> 00:05:23,603 HE SINGS A HAPPY TUNE 115 00:05:29,283 --> 00:05:30,843 Doesn't he look smart, Dad? 116 00:05:30,843 --> 00:05:33,523 Yes, Shazia. Although looks can be deceptive. 117 00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:38,683 I've been accepted on a PCSO training course. 118 00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:41,203 Oh, you're a hobby bobby. 119 00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:46,243 A community support officer. I've got a utility belt. 120 00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:49,003 Very nice. 121 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,043 You know you're not supposed to eat samosas. 122 00:05:53,043 --> 00:05:54,643 You know what they do to you. 123 00:05:56,763 --> 00:05:58,563 Besides, they're for Mrs Qureshi. 124 00:05:58,563 --> 00:06:00,523 What? Mad old lady lives across the road? 125 00:06:00,523 --> 00:06:02,883 Cat always pooping in our garden? 126 00:06:02,883 --> 00:06:05,043 She's in hospital. Great! 127 00:06:07,043 --> 00:06:09,003 In a sad way. 128 00:06:09,003 --> 00:06:11,083 Mum, this could be a nice wedding outfit. 129 00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:13,123 I thought you already had your wedding outfit? 130 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,963 Yeah, that's the Pakistani one. Now I need to get the English one. 131 00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:18,723 All these outfits, how many weddings are we having? 132 00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:21,843 One! A great, big Pakistani wedding! 133 00:06:21,843 --> 00:06:24,723 Yeah, but I also want it to have a modern, British element. 134 00:06:24,723 --> 00:06:27,123 Of course! But the Pakistani wedding is the main one. 135 00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:29,843 Actually, Mum, we were thinking we could have a joint ceremony, 136 00:06:29,843 --> 00:06:31,643 combining elements of both cultures. 137 00:06:31,643 --> 00:06:33,723 And then we'll have the big Pakistani one. 138 00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:36,603 No, there'll only be one ceremony... Before the big Pakistani one. 139 00:06:36,603 --> 00:06:38,203 No... After the big Pakistani one. 140 00:06:38,203 --> 00:06:40,523 No... Big Pakistani wedding! 141 00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:44,043 Shall we talk about it later, yeah? 142 00:06:44,043 --> 00:06:45,683 Thing is, Dad, it's a lot of money. 143 00:06:45,683 --> 00:06:47,643 We've got to make sure we spend it right. 144 00:06:47,643 --> 00:06:50,043 Don't look at me. I wanted a conservatory. 145 00:06:52,323 --> 00:06:54,363 Thank God we only have to go through this once. 146 00:06:54,363 --> 00:06:55,763 What about Alia? 147 00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,883 Don't be ridiculous, Amjad. 148 00:06:57,883 --> 00:06:59,843 Alia is devoted to her studies. 149 00:06:59,843 --> 00:07:02,563 She's not interested in boys. 150 00:07:02,563 --> 00:07:04,763 I'll sneak out and see you later, yeah? 151 00:07:07,923 --> 00:07:10,603 Who was that, sweetie? The imam, Papaji. 152 00:07:12,763 --> 00:07:15,203 He's giving me tuition over the internet. 153 00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:17,523 Oh! What a girl. 154 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,523 You see, Amjad, this is what a caring, 155 00:07:21,523 --> 00:07:23,603 loving father works hard for. 156 00:07:23,603 --> 00:07:26,723 One daughter doing well at school, other daughter getting married, 157 00:07:26,723 --> 00:07:29,723 and mother-in-law being taken into residential care. 158 00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:32,563 Life doesn't get better than that. 159 00:07:32,563 --> 00:07:33,963 KNOCKING 160 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,083 Salman I like him, Mr Khan. 161 00:07:39,283 --> 00:07:41,283 Hello, Keith. Lovely to see you! 162 00:07:41,283 --> 00:07:43,723 Welcome back! How was Pakistan? 163 00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:46,403 Oh, just like Birmingham, but less Pakistanis. 164 00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:50,883 Don't just stand there, come in! 165 00:07:53,323 --> 00:07:54,923 You seem in a good mood today. 166 00:07:54,923 --> 00:07:57,443 I'm in a wonderful mood - Naani's going into a home! 167 00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:58,523 Oh, right. 168 00:08:00,403 --> 00:08:02,363 You want to be careful of those places. 169 00:08:02,363 --> 00:08:04,923 Always touching you for money, they are. Are they? 170 00:08:04,923 --> 00:08:08,883 My granny went into a care home. They made her set up a direct debit 171 00:08:08,883 --> 00:08:11,243 to pay for theatre trips and so on... 172 00:08:11,243 --> 00:08:13,083 emptied her bank account. 173 00:08:13,083 --> 00:08:15,083 By the time she died, 174 00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:17,843 she didn't have a penny to her name, 175 00:08:17,843 --> 00:08:21,443 but she did know all the words to Miss Saigon. 176 00:08:21,443 --> 00:08:24,443 Well, Naani's skint. They can touch her all they like. 177 00:08:24,443 --> 00:08:28,203 All they're going to get is shingles and a bit of athlete's foot. 178 00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:30,323 Right. Now, the reason I came round... 179 00:08:30,323 --> 00:08:33,923 Yes, thank you. OK. Bye-bye! 180 00:08:33,923 --> 00:08:35,443 DOORBELL 181 00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:39,523 Mr Khan? Yes? 182 00:08:39,523 --> 00:08:42,763 My name's Sam, Sam Wallis, from The Silver Beech Care Home. 183 00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:45,763 Oh! You're here! Come, come... 184 00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:52,803 Come here! 185 00:08:52,803 --> 00:08:54,123 HE CHUCKLES 186 00:08:55,563 --> 00:08:58,403 Naani! The nice woman's come to take you away! 187 00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:02,883 I've not come to take her away. 188 00:09:02,883 --> 00:09:04,963 Not today. But soon, though, eh? 189 00:09:04,963 --> 00:09:06,483 In the fullness of time. 190 00:09:06,483 --> 00:09:09,043 Couple of weeks? It's hard to say... A month? 191 00:09:09,043 --> 00:09:10,723 I'll take her when she's ready. 192 00:09:10,723 --> 00:09:12,843 Right. But you will take her? 193 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,003 Yes. 194 00:09:14,003 --> 00:09:15,483 Allahu akbar! 195 00:09:15,483 --> 00:09:17,123 I owe you big time! 196 00:09:18,123 --> 00:09:19,963 Sam! Hi, Sam. 197 00:09:19,963 --> 00:09:21,243 Hello. 198 00:09:21,243 --> 00:09:24,003 Right, she's through there. Don't worry, she doesn't bite, 199 00:09:24,003 --> 00:09:25,763 unless she's got her teeth in. 200 00:09:25,763 --> 00:09:28,283 I'll take her through, Dad. 201 00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:29,763 HE SIGHS 202 00:09:29,763 --> 00:09:32,043 Oh, she's nice, isn't she? 203 00:09:32,043 --> 00:09:35,683 Nice? She's taking Naani away. She's a gift from God! 204 00:09:35,683 --> 00:09:37,963 When are you going to take Naani's trunk upstairs? 205 00:09:37,963 --> 00:09:39,123 After I've eaten. 206 00:09:39,123 --> 00:09:41,843 No samosas. Just take her trunk upstairs. 207 00:09:41,843 --> 00:09:44,603 But it's too heavy. I'll have to take some stuff out of it first. 208 00:09:44,603 --> 00:09:47,683 No! You can't go into Naani's trunk - it's private! 209 00:09:47,683 --> 00:09:49,963 But it's... I said don't go in there! 210 00:09:49,963 --> 00:09:51,163 But it weighs a tonne. 211 00:09:51,163 --> 00:09:55,003 What's she brought back with her, half a dozen illegal immigrants? 212 00:09:56,923 --> 00:09:59,523 Amjad can help you. You don't mind, do you, beta? 213 00:09:59,523 --> 00:10:00,923 No. There you are, then. 214 00:10:00,923 --> 00:10:02,363 Thanks, Officer Dibble(!) 215 00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:08,363 We're here to serve. 216 00:10:10,883 --> 00:10:12,203 Mind the banister! 217 00:10:12,203 --> 00:10:14,043 Sorry, sir. 218 00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:16,403 Got it. Here we are. 219 00:10:18,683 --> 00:10:20,403 Come on, just a few more steps. 220 00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:28,643 I can't hold it any longer, sir. My head really hurts. 221 00:10:28,643 --> 00:10:32,043 We just need to find a place to put it. 222 00:10:32,043 --> 00:10:33,683 THUD Oh... 223 00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:36,083 Sorry, sir. Amjad! 224 00:10:38,123 --> 00:10:39,483 God! 225 00:10:39,483 --> 00:10:42,043 Look at all this rubbish. 226 00:10:42,043 --> 00:10:43,403 What is...? 227 00:10:43,403 --> 00:10:45,083 What is...? God! 228 00:10:46,763 --> 00:10:49,763 Eh? Oh, God! 229 00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:51,083 Ugh! 230 00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:55,683 HE GRUMBLES 231 00:10:58,683 --> 00:11:00,363 Hold on, what's that? 232 00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:04,363 We should put it back. It's probably private. 233 00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:06,123 Mrs Khan said not to look in the trunk. 234 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,883 Mrs Khan said we should let Shazia choose her own husband 235 00:11:08,883 --> 00:11:10,403 and look where that got us. 236 00:11:15,323 --> 00:11:16,723 Oh, my God! 237 00:11:16,723 --> 00:11:18,203 I knew it! 238 00:11:18,203 --> 00:11:21,083 Is Mrs Khan the secret daughter of a Maharajah, 239 00:11:21,083 --> 00:11:24,363 which means Shazia's an actual real-life princess? 240 00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,483 No. 241 00:11:26,483 --> 00:11:28,563 Oh, right. What is it then? 242 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:32,283 It's Naani. The old bat is worth £25,000! 243 00:11:32,283 --> 00:11:33,763 ALIA: Papaji! 244 00:11:33,763 --> 00:11:35,923 Oh, God. Put this away. 245 00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:37,323 Quick, quick, quick. quick. 246 00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:49,323 Hello, beti. We just brought the trunk up. 247 00:11:49,323 --> 00:11:51,523 Naani wants me to bring her something. 248 00:11:57,403 --> 00:11:59,563 Why does she want that?! 249 00:11:59,563 --> 00:12:02,043 I mean... SOFTLY: ..why does she want that? 250 00:12:03,563 --> 00:12:06,123 Dunno. I think she wants to show it to Sam. 251 00:12:09,803 --> 00:12:11,563 Oh, twaddi! 252 00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:16,763 Where's Naani! Dad! What have you done to Amjad? 253 00:12:16,763 --> 00:12:19,483 Never mind that. We need to keep Naani away from that Sam woman. 254 00:12:19,483 --> 00:12:22,203 Don't be silly. She's a godsend, you said it yourself. 255 00:12:22,203 --> 00:12:23,963 They get on so well, Naani loves her. 256 00:12:23,963 --> 00:12:26,443 Of course she loves her. That's how it works. 257 00:12:26,443 --> 00:12:29,883 They lure them in with bingo and boiled sweets. 258 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,283 What are you talking about? 259 00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:34,483 Can't you see what's happening? She's after Naani's money! 260 00:12:34,483 --> 00:12:37,043 What money? Naani doesn't have any money. 261 00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:39,443 Yes, she has. There was a letter in her... 262 00:12:39,443 --> 00:12:41,003 HE CLEARS THROAT 263 00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:43,123 There was a letter in her what? 264 00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:45,643 Nothing. Nowhere. She hasn't got a letter. 265 00:12:45,643 --> 00:12:47,203 What about that one we saw? 266 00:12:49,483 --> 00:12:51,363 Remember? The one you opened... 267 00:12:53,083 --> 00:12:56,323 All I'm saying is we have to be careful. 268 00:12:56,323 --> 00:12:58,483 What if she's one of those evil con artists 269 00:12:58,483 --> 00:13:00,243 who preys on old, vulnerable ladies, 270 00:13:00,243 --> 00:13:02,723 like Fiona Bruce on The Antiques Roadshow. 271 00:13:05,003 --> 00:13:09,283 Come on, Shazia. Your father's gone mad...again. 272 00:13:09,283 --> 00:13:11,283 Wait! Where are you going? Shopping. 273 00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:20,963 Stop! 274 00:13:20,963 --> 00:13:22,523 Oh, hi. 275 00:13:22,523 --> 00:13:24,203 Would you like a cup of tea as well? 276 00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:26,243 What? No. What about a samosa? 277 00:13:26,243 --> 00:13:27,883 They're for Mrs Qureshi. 278 00:13:27,883 --> 00:13:30,803 Oh. Mrs Khan said it was OK. 279 00:13:30,803 --> 00:13:32,803 Sam can have. 280 00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:35,843 What is mine is yours. Oh! 281 00:13:38,603 --> 00:13:39,843 Now, look, 282 00:13:39,843 --> 00:13:42,563 she's not going into a home after all. We've changed our minds. 283 00:13:42,563 --> 00:13:44,203 Oh? No, we haven't. 284 00:13:44,203 --> 00:13:46,883 Chup. She's not ready. We have other plans. 285 00:13:46,883 --> 00:13:48,683 You're not putting me out to crow! 286 00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,083 Of course not. 287 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,523 You must do whatever you want to do. 288 00:13:55,523 --> 00:13:57,163 I want to come with you. 289 00:13:57,163 --> 00:13:59,643 But... That's what you'll do, then. 290 00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:03,003 Now, I just need to get you to fill out this form. 291 00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:04,603 Form? What form? 292 00:14:04,603 --> 00:14:06,083 Oh, it's nothing. 293 00:14:06,083 --> 00:14:09,843 It's just something we need off all our clients. Let me see. 294 00:14:09,843 --> 00:14:11,243 Erm, it's private. 295 00:14:11,243 --> 00:14:12,923 Look, she's not signing anything! 296 00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:14,803 You're not signing anything! 297 00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:17,123 I'm sure she can make her own mind up. 298 00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:20,123 Erm, shall we go in the other room? 299 00:14:20,123 --> 00:14:21,283 Haan. 300 00:14:21,283 --> 00:14:25,043 You're right, I don't need to see a form. 301 00:14:25,043 --> 00:14:27,363 It's none of my business, really. 302 00:14:27,363 --> 00:14:29,843 Oh, my God, there's a vulture on the clothes line! 303 00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:31,523 What? What?! 304 00:14:35,963 --> 00:14:37,723 I tell you what... 305 00:14:37,723 --> 00:14:41,723 you stay here and watch the birds, 306 00:14:41,723 --> 00:14:43,683 we'll go and fill in this form, 307 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:47,043 and I'm going to have another samosa. 308 00:14:49,403 --> 00:14:50,643 Heh! 309 00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:56,923 Come on, come on. Come on, hurry up. 310 00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:00,403 What's going on, sir? 311 00:15:00,403 --> 00:15:01,923 Take all your clothes off. 312 00:15:03,123 --> 00:15:06,563 What! We can't do it with your clothes on, can we? 313 00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:09,203 I suppose not. 314 00:15:15,563 --> 00:15:17,683 Can I still marry Shazia afterwards? 315 00:15:20,163 --> 00:15:21,683 What are you talking about? 316 00:15:21,683 --> 00:15:23,443 What are YOU talking about? 317 00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:28,563 My plan to prove what that Sam woman is really up to. 318 00:15:28,563 --> 00:15:29,923 Oh, right! 319 00:15:31,483 --> 00:15:35,963 She's trying to get Naani to sign a form to give away all her money! 320 00:15:35,963 --> 00:15:37,803 We should tell Mrs Khan! 321 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:40,803 Oh, right, we can't, cos she doesn't know about the money. 322 00:15:40,803 --> 00:15:43,243 We should tell her about the money! 323 00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:46,363 Oh, right, we can't, cos we're not supposed to know about it. 324 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:49,283 We should make a plan! 325 00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:51,363 Oh, right, you said that already. 326 00:15:57,443 --> 00:16:00,403 What if there was an even older lady with even more money? 327 00:16:00,403 --> 00:16:01,603 Which old lady? 328 00:16:01,603 --> 00:16:03,003 Mrs Qureshi across the road! 329 00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,523 But she's in the hospital. 330 00:16:06,203 --> 00:16:07,443 Or is she? 331 00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:11,083 No. Amjad... 332 00:16:11,083 --> 00:16:12,603 Please, sir, don't make me. 333 00:16:12,603 --> 00:16:16,923 Amjad, this is our family inheritance we're talking about. 334 00:16:16,923 --> 00:16:19,323 This money could help provide for your future, 335 00:16:19,323 --> 00:16:20,723 or pay for your wedding, 336 00:16:20,723 --> 00:16:21,883 or my conservatory. 337 00:16:22,923 --> 00:16:24,003 But, sir... 338 00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:26,843 Amjad, you love Shazia, don't you? 339 00:16:26,843 --> 00:16:28,963 You want to be a good husband? 340 00:16:28,963 --> 00:16:31,763 Yes. Then stop moaning and dress up as a woman. 341 00:16:32,763 --> 00:16:34,243 No, I won't do it. 342 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,443 Right, fine. 343 00:16:35,443 --> 00:16:37,723 But we have to get our hands on that form somehow. 344 00:16:37,723 --> 00:16:40,403 Which form? The direct debit form! 345 00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:45,763 OK, I've got another plan, 346 00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:47,483 but if this doesn't work, 347 00:16:47,483 --> 00:16:49,043 it's bra and panties time. 348 00:16:53,163 --> 00:16:54,403 Sorry, sir. 349 00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:05,843 Hello. 350 00:17:05,843 --> 00:17:10,323 We... I was wondering if you would like a cup of tea... 351 00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:16,963 ..to go with the cup of tea that you already seem to be drinking. 352 00:17:16,963 --> 00:17:18,763 I think we're all right, thanks. 353 00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:21,083 Would you like to see my utility belt? 354 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,523 Sorry? 355 00:17:22,523 --> 00:17:26,003 It's very interesting. It's got lots of useful things on it. 356 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,203 OK. 357 00:17:44,803 --> 00:17:49,803 It's a standard issue flashlight. It has two beam strengths - 358 00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:53,083 on and off. Fab. 359 00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:57,203 But I need to talk to Naani about something in private now, so... 360 00:17:57,203 --> 00:17:58,443 OK. 361 00:18:02,723 --> 00:18:04,483 Is he all right? 362 00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:06,723 Marrying granddaughter. 363 00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:08,803 Aw. He's sweet. 364 00:18:10,563 --> 00:18:13,643 Not like that son-in-law. He's a strange one, isn't he? 365 00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:16,803 Total bewakoof! 366 00:18:16,803 --> 00:18:18,403 THEY LAUGH 367 00:18:20,323 --> 00:18:21,483 Did you just see...? 368 00:18:22,523 --> 00:18:24,363 Did the trolley just jump? 369 00:18:24,363 --> 00:18:26,483 CALL TO PRAYER PLAYS 370 00:18:26,483 --> 00:18:27,843 (Oh...) 371 00:18:29,283 --> 00:18:30,563 (Oh!) 372 00:18:35,443 --> 00:18:36,803 Mr Khan? 373 00:18:36,803 --> 00:18:38,923 Sh! I'm praying. 374 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,323 Really? 375 00:18:42,323 --> 00:18:46,683 Yes. It's mobile prayer trolley - latest thing. 376 00:18:49,123 --> 00:18:52,283 Actually, could you point me towards Mecca? 377 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:57,643 Thank you. 378 00:19:01,243 --> 00:19:04,083 Hi, Papaji. Hello, beti. Where's that Sam woman? 379 00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:06,123 In the kitchen, washing up the tea cups, 380 00:19:06,123 --> 00:19:08,643 then she's taking Naani to the day centre. 381 00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:09,963 That's what she thinks. 382 00:19:09,963 --> 00:19:11,483 See you later, Naanijaan! 383 00:19:13,043 --> 00:19:14,323 What are you doing, idiot? 384 00:19:14,323 --> 00:19:16,003 Chup. You're not going anywhere. 385 00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:18,283 And I'll look after that. Give me that back! 386 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:21,083 I'm doing this for you! Idiot! Bewakoof! 387 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:23,283 Come on. SHE PROTESTS 388 00:19:23,283 --> 00:19:26,083 Come on, it's for your own good. 389 00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:27,843 In you go! SHE SHOUTS 390 00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:31,563 Idiot! 391 00:19:38,283 --> 00:19:39,763 You'll thank me later. 392 00:19:45,843 --> 00:19:47,403 Salaam aleikum. 393 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:48,843 HE CLEARS THROAT NOISILY 394 00:19:51,803 --> 00:19:53,683 Oh, hello. 395 00:19:53,683 --> 00:19:56,723 I'm sorry about earlier. I was just a bit emotional, 396 00:19:56,723 --> 00:19:59,603 you know, about putting my mother-in-law into a home. 397 00:19:59,603 --> 00:20:03,323 Well, it's understandable. It's a big decision, 398 00:20:03,323 --> 00:20:05,603 but I'm sure she'll be very happy. 399 00:20:05,603 --> 00:20:06,723 Of course. 400 00:20:06,723 --> 00:20:09,603 And there's someone else who wants to talk to you about your scam - 401 00:20:09,603 --> 00:20:11,283 your scheme - your home. 402 00:20:11,283 --> 00:20:12,683 Who's that? 403 00:20:12,683 --> 00:20:15,003 Mrs Qureshi from across the road. 404 00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:17,163 Right. 405 00:20:17,163 --> 00:20:18,923 Where is she, then? 406 00:20:23,883 --> 00:20:25,283 Here she is. 407 00:20:27,923 --> 00:20:29,163 Say hello. 408 00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:35,403 She's a poor, old, Pakistani lady, 409 00:20:35,403 --> 00:20:37,163 all alone in the world, 410 00:20:37,163 --> 00:20:39,963 with just her vast savings for comfort. 411 00:20:39,963 --> 00:20:44,043 Oh, there's lots of ladies like you there. 412 00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,163 I doubt that. 413 00:20:46,163 --> 00:20:48,843 So, is there some sort of form we need to fill in? 414 00:20:48,843 --> 00:20:50,123 Oh, there's no rush. 415 00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:53,203 Oh, there is. She's very keen, aren't you? 416 00:20:53,203 --> 00:20:56,203 Oh, well, I suppose I could. Yeah... 417 00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:57,643 Right, then. 418 00:20:57,643 --> 00:20:59,483 OK. 419 00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:00,923 Here we go. 420 00:21:00,923 --> 00:21:03,563 Great. I tell you what, give it to me and I'll fill it in for her. 421 00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:06,163 Oh, I'm sure she can do it by herself. 422 00:21:06,163 --> 00:21:08,763 No, she can't. Terrible education, you see. 423 00:21:08,763 --> 00:21:10,603 Oh. Pakistan? 424 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,043 No, Sparkhill. 425 00:21:15,323 --> 00:21:19,443 Well, I'm sure she can speak a bit of English. 426 00:21:19,443 --> 00:21:22,323 I tell you what, you tell me and I'll put it down. 427 00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:23,443 No! 428 00:21:23,443 --> 00:21:24,683 Why not? 429 00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:28,363 It's the accent. It's a bit difficult to understand. 430 00:21:28,363 --> 00:21:30,523 It's OK, I can manage. 431 00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:33,683 I'm used to listening to a lot of Asian ladies. 432 00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:35,323 I wasn't talking about hers. 433 00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:39,043 Oh, I see. 434 00:21:39,043 --> 00:21:42,203 You just don't want women to speak for themselves. 435 00:21:42,203 --> 00:21:44,443 No, I don't want THIS woman to speak for herself. 436 00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:48,923 Right. Last name? 437 00:21:48,923 --> 00:21:50,003 Qureshi. 438 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:54,603 Qureshi. 439 00:21:58,043 --> 00:21:59,083 First name? 440 00:22:00,323 --> 00:22:01,363 Ah... Mm... 441 00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:05,883 What's your first name, sweetheart? 442 00:22:05,883 --> 00:22:07,243 Amjad. 443 00:22:16,123 --> 00:22:17,523 MRS KHAN: We're back! 444 00:22:20,723 --> 00:22:22,123 Oh, hello, darling. 445 00:22:22,123 --> 00:22:23,483 What's going on? 446 00:22:23,483 --> 00:22:26,083 Sam's just filling in a form for Mrs Qureshi. 447 00:22:26,083 --> 00:22:27,523 Mrs Qureshi? 448 00:22:27,523 --> 00:22:31,243 Yes, you know, Mrs Qureshi from across the road? 449 00:22:31,243 --> 00:22:33,603 You mean this Mrs Qureshi? 450 00:22:37,803 --> 00:22:39,483 Oh, twaddi! 451 00:22:42,483 --> 00:22:45,323 They discharged her so we gave her a lift home. 452 00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:48,163 Er... So, if that's... 453 00:22:48,163 --> 00:22:50,523 Imposter! 454 00:22:50,523 --> 00:22:53,003 How dare you wheedle your way into our home! 455 00:22:54,483 --> 00:22:56,563 Who the hell is this? 456 00:22:56,563 --> 00:22:57,883 Oh, my God! 457 00:22:57,883 --> 00:22:59,803 She's wearing my wedding outfit! 458 00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:03,163 Oh, no. 459 00:23:05,483 --> 00:23:07,363 Amjad? 460 00:23:07,363 --> 00:23:08,843 Is that you? 461 00:23:17,603 --> 00:23:18,843 Hello, ladoo. 462 00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:25,483 But, Shazia, I didn't know. 463 00:23:25,483 --> 00:23:27,643 It's my wedding outfit, budhoo. 464 00:23:27,643 --> 00:23:31,603 You're not even supposed to see it, never mind wear it! 465 00:23:31,603 --> 00:23:33,083 Sorry. 466 00:23:33,083 --> 00:23:34,363 It's very nice though. 467 00:23:34,363 --> 00:23:38,123 Well, I can't wear it now, can I? It's ruined. 468 00:23:38,123 --> 00:23:40,683 Amjad, what were you thinking? 469 00:23:40,683 --> 00:23:44,203 Yes, Amjad, what were you thinking? 470 00:23:44,203 --> 00:23:48,243 You said I had to wear something that made me look rich and mental. 471 00:23:48,243 --> 00:23:50,643 This was all I could find. 472 00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:52,923 Could somebody tell me what's going on? 473 00:23:55,443 --> 00:23:57,963 She's trying to get her hands on Naani's assets! 474 00:23:57,963 --> 00:23:59,203 What? 475 00:23:59,203 --> 00:24:00,723 I beg your pardon?! 476 00:24:00,723 --> 00:24:03,563 Don't try and deny it, Fiona Brucie. 477 00:24:03,563 --> 00:24:04,843 I know your type, 478 00:24:04,843 --> 00:24:06,803 preying on vulnerable old ladies. 479 00:24:06,803 --> 00:24:09,283 Are you mad? Sam's a saint. 480 00:24:09,283 --> 00:24:12,163 She's spent her whole life caring for people. 481 00:24:12,163 --> 00:24:14,003 It's true, Papaji. I googled her. 482 00:24:14,003 --> 00:24:15,643 She's got an MBE and everything. 483 00:24:15,643 --> 00:24:18,243 What about the form and the direct debits? 484 00:24:19,603 --> 00:24:22,163 It's a medical insurance form 485 00:24:22,163 --> 00:24:24,643 and this is your Naani's. 486 00:24:24,643 --> 00:24:27,083 Our guests have to list their medical conditions 487 00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:30,123 before they come and stay with us - it's the law. 488 00:24:31,243 --> 00:24:32,483 Hai! 489 00:24:32,483 --> 00:24:34,563 I thought only sheep got that one. 490 00:24:36,323 --> 00:24:38,643 I...I think I must be going. I think... 491 00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:41,083 No, please, don't! Let her go. 492 00:24:41,083 --> 00:24:44,843 Locking old people away in tiny rooms 493 00:24:44,843 --> 00:24:48,043 and stealing their life savings. 494 00:24:48,043 --> 00:24:49,963 I'm only thinking of Naani. 495 00:24:49,963 --> 00:24:51,163 Where is Naani? 496 00:24:53,243 --> 00:24:54,563 Oh... 497 00:25:01,123 --> 00:25:04,603 I locked her in the cupboard at the bottom of the stairs. 498 00:25:04,603 --> 00:25:05,963 Oh, my God! 499 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,443 THEY GASP 500 00:25:14,043 --> 00:25:17,563 Oh, Naani! Are you OK? 501 00:25:17,563 --> 00:25:18,923 Haan. 502 00:25:18,923 --> 00:25:21,643 Yes, Naani, are you OK? 503 00:25:21,643 --> 00:25:24,043 Oh! 504 00:25:24,043 --> 00:25:26,643 I should report you to social services. 505 00:25:26,643 --> 00:25:28,763 I gave her a biscuit, didn't I?! 506 00:25:28,763 --> 00:25:30,563 What the hell are you playing at? 507 00:25:30,563 --> 00:25:32,763 I'm just trying to protect Naani's money. 508 00:25:32,763 --> 00:25:34,803 She hasn't got any money! 509 00:25:34,803 --> 00:25:38,563 Right. I'm going to tell you the truth. 510 00:25:38,563 --> 00:25:40,283 I've done something very shameful. 511 00:25:40,283 --> 00:25:43,643 I told you not to eat the samosas. 512 00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:45,123 Not the samosas! 513 00:25:46,163 --> 00:25:48,483 I looked inside Naani's trunk 514 00:25:48,483 --> 00:25:50,523 and I found this. 515 00:25:50,523 --> 00:25:52,843 It says she's worth thousands! 516 00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:54,323 Naani? Is this true? 517 00:25:54,323 --> 00:25:55,403 Haan. 518 00:25:55,403 --> 00:25:56,603 You see. 519 00:25:56,603 --> 00:25:58,523 And all I was trying to do was keep it safe 520 00:25:58,523 --> 00:26:01,283 so no-one else could get their grubby paws on it. 521 00:26:01,283 --> 00:26:03,163 You, give Naani back her letter. 522 00:26:04,163 --> 00:26:07,883 But, sweetie, it is a lot of money... 523 00:26:07,883 --> 00:26:10,163 and it is your inheritance we're talking about. 524 00:26:10,163 --> 00:26:12,923 But it's not mine, is it? It's Naani's. 525 00:26:12,923 --> 00:26:15,443 And we have any right to expect it. 526 00:26:15,443 --> 00:26:20,083 And anyway, Naani's already given me everything I could ever need. 527 00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:22,283 I want nothing more from her. 528 00:26:22,283 --> 00:26:23,843 Not even a conservatory? 529 00:26:25,283 --> 00:26:26,443 Dad! 530 00:26:26,443 --> 00:26:29,563 All right, OK! Here, Naanijaan. 531 00:26:29,563 --> 00:26:31,203 It's your money 532 00:26:31,203 --> 00:26:33,803 and you should be able to do whatever you want with it. 533 00:26:33,803 --> 00:26:36,003 What you want to do with it, Naani? 534 00:26:37,483 --> 00:26:39,043 I want to give to you. 535 00:26:40,283 --> 00:26:41,603 Two - nil! 536 00:26:44,563 --> 00:26:46,723 No, Naani, you mustn't. 537 00:26:46,723 --> 00:26:50,603 Let me do this. It will make me very happy. 538 00:26:50,603 --> 00:26:51,643 OK. 539 00:26:53,643 --> 00:26:56,243 It's 25,000... 540 00:26:56,243 --> 00:26:57,763 Told you. 541 00:26:57,763 --> 00:26:58,803 ..rupees. 542 00:27:02,403 --> 00:27:04,003 What?! 543 00:27:04,003 --> 00:27:06,243 25,000 rupees. 544 00:27:06,243 --> 00:27:09,163 Oh, Naani, thank you. 545 00:27:09,163 --> 00:27:10,563 What's that in pounds? 546 00:27:10,563 --> 00:27:11,963 About 150. 547 00:27:14,003 --> 00:27:16,963 That's enough to pay for the deposit on that wedding outfit. 548 00:27:16,963 --> 00:27:19,803 Come on! We can still get there before the shops shut. 549 00:27:19,803 --> 00:27:21,243 Sam, come with us! 550 00:27:24,323 --> 00:27:26,243 Come on, Mrs Qureshi, 551 00:27:26,243 --> 00:27:27,643 you can help me choose. 552 00:27:31,003 --> 00:27:36,083 And you can stay and look after Naani and the other Mrs Qureshi. 553 00:27:36,083 --> 00:27:39,083 And, by the way, she hasn't got any money either. 554 00:27:40,603 --> 00:27:43,403 But I do have a penny I need to spend. 555 00:27:46,883 --> 00:27:48,083 Wonderful. 556 00:27:51,443 --> 00:27:53,403 Is it a 1p or a 2p?