1 00:00:03,523 --> 00:00:05,843 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, 2 00:00:05,843 --> 00:00:08,083 the capital of British Pakistan. 3 00:00:14,123 --> 00:00:15,643 They all know me. 4 00:00:15,643 --> 00:00:17,003 Do you like my suit? 5 00:00:18,723 --> 00:00:20,883 Number one. Citizen Khan. 6 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,243 What time are they coming round? 7 00:00:24,243 --> 00:00:26,083 7.30. Don't worry, beti. 8 00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:27,443 Everything will be ready. 9 00:00:27,443 --> 00:00:28,723 I'm just nervous. 10 00:00:28,723 --> 00:00:31,363 It's the first time Amjad's parents have been for dinner. 11 00:00:31,363 --> 00:00:33,523 The house looks really nice, Mrs Khan. 12 00:00:33,523 --> 00:00:37,163 Thank you, Amjad. I'm hoping your mother will be impressed! 13 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,163 (Snooty old bag!) 14 00:00:40,963 --> 00:00:43,083 Mum, be nice! 15 00:00:43,083 --> 00:00:44,843 I'm always nice, beti. 16 00:00:45,883 --> 00:00:47,043 Where's Dad? 17 00:00:47,043 --> 00:00:49,683 He's playing with his new chair. 18 00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,923 Shazia, I've been expecting you. 19 00:01:04,723 --> 00:01:06,003 What are you wearing? 20 00:01:07,003 --> 00:01:09,523 Smoking jacket. Good, eh? 21 00:01:09,523 --> 00:01:11,203 The trousers are a bit tight. 22 00:01:13,403 --> 00:01:15,163 Told you not to buy them on eBay. 23 00:01:15,163 --> 00:01:17,123 They were ten seconds to go. 24 00:01:17,123 --> 00:01:18,523 I had to put a bid in. 25 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:22,563 Sophisticated, isn't it? 26 00:01:22,563 --> 00:01:25,003 But, Dad, the Malik's are coming around tonight. 27 00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:27,083 We have to talk about the wedding plans. 28 00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:28,603 I know that, Shazia. 29 00:01:28,603 --> 00:01:31,883 I've accepted we're marrying into the Malik family, 30 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,523 but some good can still come of it. 31 00:01:34,523 --> 00:01:36,043 Mr Malik's going to get me into 32 00:01:36,043 --> 00:01:39,643 the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association. What? 33 00:01:39,643 --> 00:01:41,763 Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association - 34 00:01:41,763 --> 00:01:43,843 Mr Malik's a member - he can get me in! 35 00:01:43,843 --> 00:01:47,403 But, Dad... Look, I've been trying for 20 years to get in the SPBA 36 00:01:47,403 --> 00:01:49,283 and finally it's going to happen, 37 00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:51,443 and it's only costing me one daughter! 38 00:01:53,683 --> 00:01:56,283 Don't you think tonight should be about the wedding...? 39 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,723 Wedding, wedding, wedding... 40 00:01:57,723 --> 00:02:01,323 Anyone would think bloomin' wedding is most important day of your life! 41 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,443 Which it is. 42 00:02:05,163 --> 00:02:07,123 Don't worry, ladoo, it'll be fine. 43 00:02:07,123 --> 00:02:09,243 My mum's really excited about it. 44 00:02:09,243 --> 00:02:13,403 She keeps saying, "I can't believe we're going THERE for dinner!" 45 00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:18,803 I just want everyone to get on. 46 00:02:18,803 --> 00:02:24,123 I promise you, tonight will be a sophisticated and elegant evening. 47 00:02:24,123 --> 00:02:25,723 I've even got a butler! 48 00:02:27,723 --> 00:02:29,003 A what? 49 00:02:29,003 --> 00:02:30,643 BELL RINGS 50 00:02:33,483 --> 00:02:35,523 Ta-daa! 51 00:02:36,963 --> 00:02:39,083 Sorry. You rang, milord? 52 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,323 It's Keith from next door. Good, eh? 53 00:02:43,323 --> 00:02:46,643 Keithwalla, have you cleaned the veranda? 54 00:02:46,643 --> 00:02:50,203 You mean, have I taken the old mattress out of your front garden? 55 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:53,203 Dad, you can't have servants, it's demeaning. 56 00:02:53,203 --> 00:02:56,603 OK. Sorry, Keith, you can't be a butler. 57 00:02:56,603 --> 00:02:59,763 It's demeaning....to butlers. 58 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:01,403 Righto. 59 00:03:01,403 --> 00:03:04,283 So, when the Maliks arrive, 60 00:03:04,283 --> 00:03:07,363 there will be some chitty-chatty, maybe mention SPBA 61 00:03:07,363 --> 00:03:09,003 and then we ring gong for dinner... 62 00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:10,563 The what? 63 00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:16,043 DULL METAL CLANG 64 00:03:18,683 --> 00:03:21,243 Gonnnnnnggg...! 65 00:03:22,763 --> 00:03:24,603 POSHLY: Dinner is served. 66 00:03:24,603 --> 00:03:28,843 Actually, it's "bong" not "gong". 67 00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:32,043 All right, Miss Camilla Parker Know-It-Alls! 68 00:03:32,043 --> 00:03:34,883 I think I know more about etiquette than you do. 69 00:03:34,883 --> 00:03:37,123 CLEARS THROAT NOISILY 70 00:03:37,123 --> 00:03:38,603 Sorry, sir. 71 00:03:38,603 --> 00:03:41,083 And then, after dinner, we can play charades. 72 00:03:41,083 --> 00:03:42,723 Why are we doing that? 73 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,403 It's Dad's favourite game. 74 00:03:44,403 --> 00:03:46,523 He practises at home all the time. 75 00:03:46,523 --> 00:03:49,243 How? Mum never lets him say anything. 76 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,003 Wow, Mum! 77 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:58,163 Is it OK? It's brilliant! 78 00:03:58,163 --> 00:04:00,043 Look at all the knives and forks! 79 00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:04,363 Mum, promise me we can talk about the wedding. 80 00:04:04,363 --> 00:04:07,243 We need to discuss the venue, the caterers, the guest list... 81 00:04:07,243 --> 00:04:10,403 I know, I know. And we all agree, we don't want anything over the top. 82 00:04:10,403 --> 00:04:13,403 Do we, budhoo? No. 83 00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:14,763 Of course not. I understand. 84 00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:16,163 So, in terms of numbers... 85 00:04:16,163 --> 00:04:17,883 Well, I've already done my list. 86 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,883 Oh. Don't worry. It's just the bare minimum. 87 00:04:20,883 --> 00:04:23,443 Only the people we absolutely have to invite. 88 00:04:23,443 --> 00:04:25,683 Oh, great. How many is that then? 89 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,843 150! 90 00:04:28,843 --> 00:04:30,123 What? 91 00:04:36,963 --> 00:04:39,963 Blimey, are we expecting someone with three sets of arms? 92 00:04:41,443 --> 00:04:45,523 Starter, soup spoon, main course, dessert. 93 00:04:45,523 --> 00:04:47,723 And if you forget how to use your knife and fork, 94 00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:50,603 just remember you're Pakistani, and eat with your fingers! 95 00:04:54,563 --> 00:04:56,003 What are you doing? 96 00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:57,883 You want everything to be perfect. 97 00:04:57,883 --> 00:05:00,203 This is how they do it on the Downton Abbey. 98 00:05:01,883 --> 00:05:05,123 Knife and fork must be exactly... 99 00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:06,763 12 inches apart. 100 00:05:06,763 --> 00:05:08,763 Are you sure? Of course. 101 00:05:08,763 --> 00:05:12,403 If you haven't got your 12 inches, you can't be laid properly. 102 00:05:14,483 --> 00:05:16,843 I wish someone had told me that before. 103 00:05:18,323 --> 00:05:20,483 Don't set a place for me, I'm going out. 104 00:05:20,483 --> 00:05:23,323 No, you're not. But I've got to go to the mosque. 105 00:05:24,843 --> 00:05:27,203 You mean party. It's a prayer meeting. 106 00:05:27,203 --> 00:05:29,003 Slash-party. Papaji! 107 00:05:29,003 --> 00:05:32,563 Shazia, stop being mean to your sister! 108 00:05:32,563 --> 00:05:34,243 Just put the plates out. 109 00:05:35,843 --> 00:05:38,363 No, not the normal ones. 110 00:05:38,363 --> 00:05:39,963 The ones in the sideboard. 111 00:05:39,963 --> 00:05:41,443 What? 112 00:05:41,443 --> 00:05:42,723 Yes, that's right. 113 00:05:42,723 --> 00:05:46,203 We are taking out the Royal Albert dinner service. 114 00:05:46,203 --> 00:05:49,843 We've had it for 22 years and it's never been out of the cupboard... 115 00:05:49,843 --> 00:05:52,283 until today. 116 00:05:52,283 --> 00:05:54,803 All right, we've done everything we can - 117 00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:57,763 laid out the best china, hoovered up my toenail clippings, 118 00:05:57,763 --> 00:06:02,403 and put out some fresh plastic flowers! 119 00:06:05,083 --> 00:06:06,843 All we have to do is greet them. 120 00:06:06,843 --> 00:06:09,163 Mr Malik! Salaam Aleikum. 121 00:06:09,163 --> 00:06:11,163 LOUD RIPPING 122 00:06:17,843 --> 00:06:20,363 I'm just going to change for dinner. 123 00:06:25,163 --> 00:06:29,603 Mr and Mrs Abbasi. Mr and Mrs Ansari. Mr and Mrs Basra. 124 00:06:29,603 --> 00:06:31,123 Mr and Mrs Chaudhry... 125 00:06:31,123 --> 00:06:32,483 This isn't a guest list, 126 00:06:32,483 --> 00:06:34,163 it's a Pakistani phone book! 127 00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,083 And that's just my mum's lot. 128 00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:40,523 How many is your mum planning to invite? 129 00:06:40,523 --> 00:06:42,963 Not sure. You must have some idea. 130 00:06:42,963 --> 00:06:44,923 About 20 or 30... 131 00:06:44,923 --> 00:06:46,363 Oh, that's all right then! 132 00:06:46,363 --> 00:06:47,883 ..more than your mum. 133 00:06:50,123 --> 00:06:52,323 Oh, my God! That's more than 300 people. 134 00:06:52,323 --> 00:06:53,563 No, it isn't! 135 00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:56,043 It's... 136 00:06:58,523 --> 00:07:01,083 Yes, you're right, it is, yes. 137 00:07:01,083 --> 00:07:04,163 I'm not getting in married in front of 300 total strangers. 138 00:07:05,763 --> 00:07:07,203 We have to tell them. 139 00:07:07,203 --> 00:07:08,523 OK. Tonight. 140 00:07:08,523 --> 00:07:10,483 Are you sure? Maybe we should wait. 141 00:07:10,483 --> 00:07:13,323 Look, Amjad, do you want a small, tasteful ceremony 142 00:07:13,323 --> 00:07:15,683 with a few people we love most share the moment 143 00:07:15,683 --> 00:07:18,603 when we promise to spend the rest of our lives together, 144 00:07:18,603 --> 00:07:22,723 or would you refer the all singing, all dancing, Pakistani weddingathon 145 00:07:22,723 --> 00:07:24,683 with hundreds of uncles and aunties 146 00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:27,003 you've never met getting frisky on Fanta? 147 00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:32,003 Amjad! 148 00:07:32,003 --> 00:07:34,523 The first one, but they're going to be so cross! 149 00:07:34,523 --> 00:07:36,043 You're a man now, Amjad. 150 00:07:36,043 --> 00:07:40,163 Are you going to let yourself be ordered around by your mother all your life? 151 00:07:40,163 --> 00:07:41,603 You're right! 152 00:07:43,243 --> 00:07:45,603 There comes a time in every man's life where he has to... 153 00:07:45,603 --> 00:07:46,843 Come on! Right. 154 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,443 That's such a cool chair, Papaji. 155 00:07:53,443 --> 00:07:55,483 Thank you, beti. 156 00:07:55,483 --> 00:07:57,683 Mr Malik will be really impressed. 157 00:07:57,683 --> 00:08:00,603 Do you think? Oh, yeah, definitely. 158 00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:01,963 Can I go out? 159 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,243 Alia, you heard what your mother said. 160 00:08:06,243 --> 00:08:08,723 But... I'm not having you go to some party. 161 00:08:08,723 --> 00:08:10,963 I'm not going to a party. But Shazia said... 162 00:08:10,963 --> 00:08:13,043 I'm going to the mosque with my study group. 163 00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:15,163 We're going to be dead religious, and that. 164 00:08:17,123 --> 00:08:19,563 The mosque is closed - they had a flood. 165 00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:20,843 Oh. 166 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,043 Alia... 167 00:08:25,043 --> 00:08:26,683 I'm your father. 168 00:08:26,683 --> 00:08:29,243 You must show me respect. 169 00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:32,203 And if you respect someone, you must tell them the truth. 170 00:08:32,203 --> 00:08:34,523 Now, were you really going to the mosque? 171 00:08:34,523 --> 00:08:36,083 No. 172 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,043 So where were you going? 173 00:08:38,043 --> 00:08:39,323 To a party. 174 00:08:40,523 --> 00:08:43,003 Oh, Alia, I'm disappointed. 175 00:08:43,003 --> 00:08:45,363 Sorry, Papaji. But I said I would go. 176 00:08:45,363 --> 00:08:47,803 Well, then you'll just have to tell them you can't. 177 00:08:47,803 --> 00:08:49,883 Who's party is it? Mo Javed. 178 00:08:49,883 --> 00:08:53,323 Right, then you call Mo Javed and... 179 00:08:53,323 --> 00:08:57,203 Hang on. Mo Javed, Mr Javed's son? 180 00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,323 Yeah. 181 00:08:58,323 --> 00:09:00,163 Mr Javed, President of the 182 00:09:00,163 --> 00:09:04,043 Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association, Mr Javed? 183 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,603 Yeah? 184 00:09:05,603 --> 00:09:07,043 Where is the party? 185 00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:08,163 At his house. 186 00:09:08,163 --> 00:09:09,843 At his house. 187 00:09:09,843 --> 00:09:12,723 Mr Javed's House... 188 00:09:12,723 --> 00:09:15,243 in Harborne. 189 00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:19,403 The one with the electric gates and the double garage, 190 00:09:19,403 --> 00:09:24,283 and the stained glass leaded windows? Yeah. 191 00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:30,043 And Mo Javed's invited you, Alia, Mr Khan's daughter! 192 00:09:30,043 --> 00:09:33,683 Yeah. Well, actually, it was his cousin's friend's next-door neighbour. 193 00:09:33,683 --> 00:09:35,123 Same thing. 194 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,323 What kind of party is it? 195 00:09:38,323 --> 00:09:40,003 A birthday party. 196 00:09:40,003 --> 00:09:41,523 Well, there's no harm in that - 197 00:09:41,523 --> 00:09:46,283 pass the parcel, musical statues, then jelly and ice cream, isn't it? 198 00:09:46,283 --> 00:09:47,563 Sort of. 199 00:09:47,563 --> 00:09:48,923 This is a great honour. 200 00:09:48,923 --> 00:09:50,883 When Mr Malik finds out that my daughter 201 00:09:50,883 --> 00:09:53,923 is the friend of the next door neighbour of a friend of the cousin 202 00:09:53,923 --> 00:09:58,443 of the son of the President of Sparkhill Pakistani Business 203 00:09:58,443 --> 00:10:02,883 Association, I'll be a shoo-in for membership. 204 00:10:02,883 --> 00:10:04,683 How will he find out? 205 00:10:04,683 --> 00:10:08,003 Don't worry, I have my ways. 206 00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:09,443 I'll post it on Facebook... 207 00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:12,883 ..and put it in the mosque newsletter. 208 00:10:12,883 --> 00:10:16,683 And if that doesn't work, I'll just tell him. Nice. 209 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:20,763 You see, beti, how important it is to tell the truth? 210 00:10:20,763 --> 00:10:23,043 I wouldn't have known about any of this 211 00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:24,923 if you hadn't told me the truth. 212 00:10:24,923 --> 00:10:27,763 So, can I go? OK. 213 00:10:27,763 --> 00:10:29,483 What about Mum? 214 00:10:29,483 --> 00:10:31,283 We'll say you've gone to the mosque. 215 00:10:34,923 --> 00:10:37,483 DOORBELL RINGS OK. Are you ready? 216 00:10:37,483 --> 00:10:41,283 Now remember, don't fight with her, and don't mention his... 217 00:10:42,803 --> 00:10:44,483 (Of course not!) 218 00:10:44,483 --> 00:10:47,283 Apparently, he's very sensitive about it. 219 00:10:47,283 --> 00:10:50,563 Amjad says he has to glue it on when it's windy! 220 00:10:51,843 --> 00:10:55,483 Don't worry about me, I know how to behave. All right. 221 00:10:58,843 --> 00:10:59,883 Salaam Aleikum! 222 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:03,323 Waleikum Asalaam. 223 00:11:03,323 --> 00:11:06,483 So glad you could make it. Please, do come in. 224 00:11:06,483 --> 00:11:07,843 Thank you. 225 00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:13,003 Can I take your hat? 226 00:11:14,323 --> 00:11:15,363 Sorry? 227 00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:18,563 Nothing. 228 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:22,803 You might think we move in different circles, 229 00:11:22,803 --> 00:11:29,603 but not all our friends are wealthy, successful and intelligent. 230 00:11:29,603 --> 00:11:32,843 We know a few people like you. 231 00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:38,443 Well, we know quite a few bigwigs ourselves! 232 00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:42,603 He means high-flyers. 233 00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:44,963 I mean high flyers! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 234 00:11:47,163 --> 00:11:49,803 Please, take a seat. Dinner won't be long. 235 00:11:49,803 --> 00:11:50,843 No rush. 236 00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:56,683 Please, sit down. Take the weight off your head - your feet! 237 00:11:59,683 --> 00:12:03,243 It's...very stuffy in here, 238 00:12:03,243 --> 00:12:04,963 not like our house. 239 00:12:04,963 --> 00:12:07,803 We've just had air conditioning fitted. 240 00:12:07,803 --> 00:12:11,043 Oh! We've got air conditioning, too. 241 00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:12,363 Look. 242 00:12:13,403 --> 00:12:15,283 Salaam Aleikum. 243 00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:17,283 Here's the happy couple! 244 00:12:17,283 --> 00:12:19,643 We brought snacks. I've got pakoras. 245 00:12:19,643 --> 00:12:22,283 Oh, well done, Amjad. 246 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,243 Such a good boy. 247 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:26,723 Mrs Khan made them. Do you want one? No. 248 00:12:28,643 --> 00:12:31,123 Daddy? Why don't we talk about the wedding? 249 00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:33,043 There's something we need to discuss. 250 00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,563 - Yes, good idea. 251 00:12:34,563 --> 00:12:37,043 - No, why don't we leave that till later? 252 00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:39,923 - Let's leave the boys to their business talk. 253 00:12:39,923 --> 00:12:43,443 Maybe you'd like to help me in the kitchen. 254 00:12:43,443 --> 00:12:46,243 Yes. You need all the help you can get. 255 00:12:48,443 --> 00:12:50,243 Careful, Amjad! 256 00:12:50,243 --> 00:12:53,003 You're dropping crumbs on the rug, wig, carpet! 257 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,723 Well...something smells. 258 00:13:03,163 --> 00:13:05,203 It's nearly ready. 259 00:13:05,203 --> 00:13:07,763 I hope you haven't gone to too much trouble. 260 00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:10,243 Not at all. Just a few dishes - 261 00:13:10,243 --> 00:13:12,723 lamb, chicken, dhal, potatoes, spinach, roti, rice, 262 00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:15,363 cauliflower, aubergine... 263 00:13:15,363 --> 00:13:16,683 Ah... 264 00:13:16,683 --> 00:13:19,083 We probably should have told you. 265 00:13:19,083 --> 00:13:20,323 Told me what? 266 00:13:20,323 --> 00:13:24,323 Mr Malik and I are on a special diet at the moment. 267 00:13:25,563 --> 00:13:27,323 The raw food diet? 268 00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:30,203 Where you can't eat anything cooked. 269 00:13:30,203 --> 00:13:34,003 Mum... So you can't eat any of the food I've made?! 270 00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:42,963 Why don't you sit in this chair? Much more comfy, eh? 271 00:13:45,883 --> 00:13:47,643 Very nice. 272 00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:50,203 I got a great deal on it through my business contacts. 273 00:13:50,203 --> 00:13:51,723 It reclines and everything. 274 00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:54,363 Really? Yes! Go on, give it a go. 275 00:13:54,363 --> 00:13:55,923 There's no need... 276 00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:58,363 Please, I insist. 277 00:13:58,363 --> 00:14:01,003 Go on, press that button. 278 00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:04,923 No, not that one, the other one. 279 00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:08,683 It was working earlier. Don't worry. I'm sure it's... 280 00:14:08,683 --> 00:14:13,283 Here, give me the thing. State of the art. 281 00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:15,443 The man in the car park promised me. 282 00:14:15,443 --> 00:14:18,883 He said he unloaded it himself off the boat from Taiwan. 283 00:14:26,763 --> 00:14:28,363 Come on, stupid thing! 284 00:14:31,883 --> 00:14:33,523 It's stuck. 285 00:14:35,723 --> 00:14:36,923 Must've broken it. 286 00:14:41,243 --> 00:14:42,643 I'll fix it later. 287 00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:53,043 Gonnnng! Dinner is served. 288 00:14:53,043 --> 00:14:55,003 Ah, excellent! 289 00:14:57,323 --> 00:15:00,723 Well, the table looks nice. 290 00:15:00,723 --> 00:15:02,643 We always eat like this. 291 00:15:02,643 --> 00:15:04,523 The china's nothing special. 292 00:15:04,523 --> 00:15:06,563 No, I can see that. 293 00:15:08,443 --> 00:15:09,963 Ah, there you are! 294 00:15:09,963 --> 00:15:12,083 We wondered what had happened to you! 295 00:15:14,283 --> 00:15:16,923 Was it toilet? 296 00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:20,643 You have to press flush a couple of times for number two. 297 00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,763 (Dad, please!) 298 00:15:23,763 --> 00:15:28,003 What? Mr Malik wants to be good guest, sweetie. 299 00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:30,883 Leave everything as you find it, heh na? 300 00:15:30,883 --> 00:15:34,403 Well, the starter is some fruit and yoghurt, 301 00:15:34,403 --> 00:15:36,203 so you should be all right with that. 302 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,803 Sorry. 303 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,603 We're off dairy, too. 304 00:15:39,603 --> 00:15:42,523 Right. Maybe I can wash the yoghurt off... 305 00:15:42,523 --> 00:15:45,603 Please, don't... Oh, no, no. No bother. 306 00:15:45,603 --> 00:15:47,723 Really it's fine. I insist. 307 00:15:47,723 --> 00:15:51,083 No! PLATE SMASHES 308 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,963 So sorry. 309 00:15:53,963 --> 00:15:57,323 At least it was only one of your cheap plates. 310 00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:58,883 Cheap plates?! 311 00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:04,883 Isn't this fun, eh, smashing plates? 312 00:16:04,883 --> 00:16:06,843 All very Greek, isn't it? 313 00:16:06,843 --> 00:16:09,123 A right Mrs Khanopolopolis, isn't she? 314 00:16:10,723 --> 00:16:12,923 Why don't we have the games now? What? 315 00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:15,283 It might help everyone to relax a bit. 316 00:16:15,283 --> 00:16:17,163 Good idea. 317 00:16:17,163 --> 00:16:20,403 Come on, Mr Malik, let's go in there and let our hair down. 318 00:16:24,123 --> 00:16:25,963 Right, how about charades? 319 00:16:25,963 --> 00:16:27,483 I hear it's someone's favourite. 320 00:16:27,483 --> 00:16:29,563 We hate charades, don't we? 321 00:16:29,563 --> 00:16:30,923 Yes. 322 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,923 All right. How about this one? 323 00:16:32,923 --> 00:16:35,883 You've got photos of famous people and you have to describe them 324 00:16:35,883 --> 00:16:37,803 without saying their name. 325 00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:40,563 I'll go with Mr Malik, SPBA team, eh? 326 00:16:40,563 --> 00:16:42,123 We're BOUND to win. 327 00:16:42,123 --> 00:16:44,403 Right, we'll go first. 328 00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:46,043 Ready? 329 00:16:46,043 --> 00:16:48,243 Yeah. Go! 330 00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:51,523 OK, so, he's a Radio 2 presenter. 331 00:16:51,523 --> 00:16:52,963 Also on TV. 332 00:16:52,963 --> 00:16:57,203 He's also well-known for having a really bad... 333 00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:01,683 A really bad... 334 00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:03,443 He has a w... 335 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,003 Let's just skip this one. 336 00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:13,123 Pass. 337 00:17:22,483 --> 00:17:24,283 Why don't we play something else? 338 00:17:24,283 --> 00:17:25,523 How about Monopoly? 339 00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:28,843 I'll be the car and you can have the hat 340 00:17:28,843 --> 00:17:30,843 Can we talk about the wedding now? 341 00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:32,603 We need to discuss the guest list. 342 00:17:32,603 --> 00:17:34,123 Yes, good. 343 00:17:34,123 --> 00:17:36,483 This is difficult. I know. 344 00:17:36,483 --> 00:17:40,883 On the one hand, I have hundreds of close friends to invite. 345 00:17:40,883 --> 00:17:43,843 But on the other, I don't want your family 346 00:17:43,843 --> 00:17:45,763 embarrassing me in front of them. 347 00:17:47,003 --> 00:17:49,203 Fine. We'll just have our guests. 348 00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:51,923 Please! There's no need for any of this. 349 00:17:51,923 --> 00:17:54,003 We don't want some great big Pakistani wedding. 350 00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:59,763 No, beti. Just a small do, only 300 people. 351 00:17:59,763 --> 00:18:03,523 Well, I suppose if you're trying to save money... 352 00:18:03,523 --> 00:18:05,123 No! We don't want 300, 353 00:18:05,123 --> 00:18:08,323 or a big venue, or any of the other rubbish. 354 00:18:08,323 --> 00:18:12,043 We just our immediate family and a few of OUR close friends. 355 00:18:12,043 --> 00:18:13,243 Oh. 356 00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:16,243 Just what I'd expect from your Westernised daughter. 357 00:18:16,243 --> 00:18:18,803 No. Amjad wants that, too. 358 00:18:18,803 --> 00:18:20,283 Don't you, budhoo? 359 00:18:21,283 --> 00:18:23,443 Well... 360 00:18:23,443 --> 00:18:24,843 you know... 361 00:18:24,843 --> 00:18:26,123 I'm easy. 362 00:18:27,443 --> 00:18:28,803 What?! 363 00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:31,363 I suppose we shouldn't be surprised by any of this. 364 00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:35,203 These people aren't from polite society. 365 00:18:35,203 --> 00:18:36,803 How dare you! 366 00:18:36,803 --> 00:18:39,563 We're twice as polite as you, you snooty old bag! 367 00:18:39,563 --> 00:18:41,403 I've had enough of this! 368 00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:43,323 I'll be in the car! 369 00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:47,283 Well, that's just great! 370 00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:49,003 Beti, I'm so sorry! 371 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,523 I knew this would happen. 372 00:18:50,523 --> 00:18:52,883 Oh, please, can't you go out and talk to her? 373 00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:54,603 I'd rather not. 374 00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:57,203 She's hard to talk to when she's angry. 375 00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:01,083 Right, this calls for tact and diplomacy. 376 00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:04,523 I'll go. I know how to handle the difficult womens. 377 00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:13,283 Mrs Malik, why don't we go inside? 378 00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:14,523 Mrs Malik! 379 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,323 Biscoot, anyone? 380 00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:26,763 Biscoot? 381 00:19:26,763 --> 00:19:28,403 Haroun! 382 00:19:28,403 --> 00:19:29,843 Amjad! 383 00:19:29,843 --> 00:19:31,283 We're leaving. 384 00:19:32,723 --> 00:19:35,003 Go on, then. Off you go. 385 00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:36,883 Thank you for a lovely evening. 386 00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:40,323 Wait! I thought we could talk about the SPBA. 387 00:19:40,323 --> 00:19:42,083 I don't think this is the time. 388 00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:44,723 Look, I know Shazia's not a great advert for this family... 389 00:19:44,723 --> 00:19:47,523 Dad! But I got other daughter. 390 00:19:47,523 --> 00:19:49,963 Hm! The other one is out all over town. 391 00:19:49,963 --> 00:19:52,283 How dare you. Alia is a good girl. 392 00:19:52,283 --> 00:19:54,843 Where is she, then? Out partying? 393 00:19:54,843 --> 00:19:57,203 No, actually, she's at the mosque. 394 00:19:57,203 --> 00:19:59,443 Actually, sweetie, she's not at the mosque. 395 00:19:59,443 --> 00:20:02,403 What? She's at a party. Told you. 396 00:20:02,403 --> 00:20:04,883 At a party at Mr Javed's house! 397 00:20:04,883 --> 00:20:07,163 Yes, that's right. 398 00:20:07,163 --> 00:20:11,243 Our daughter is at a party at the house of the president 399 00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,763 of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association! 400 00:20:13,763 --> 00:20:16,763 That's how respectable this family is! 401 00:20:16,763 --> 00:20:20,683 RINGTONE: QUEEN'S BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY 402 00:20:20,683 --> 00:20:23,123 Hello, Mr Khan speaking. 403 00:20:23,123 --> 00:20:25,203 Yes. I see. 404 00:20:25,203 --> 00:20:27,963 Yes. OK. Thank you. 405 00:20:30,043 --> 00:20:31,523 That was the police - 406 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:34,483 they've arrested Alia. 407 00:20:39,443 --> 00:20:42,283 Where's my baby? What have you done with her? 408 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,763 Calm down, madam. 409 00:20:44,763 --> 00:20:46,843 Alia! I've brought you some fruit! 410 00:20:46,843 --> 00:20:48,323 This should be fun. 411 00:20:48,323 --> 00:20:50,163 What are you even doing here? 412 00:20:50,163 --> 00:20:51,883 I couldn't miss this. 413 00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:53,283 Well, you can go now. 414 00:20:53,283 --> 00:20:56,563 I think I can take care of my own daughter, thank you. 415 00:20:56,563 --> 00:20:59,763 Clearly, you can't or she wouldn't be here. 416 00:20:59,763 --> 00:21:01,043 Right, that's it. 417 00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:04,003 All right, ladies! Keep your hair on! 418 00:21:04,003 --> 00:21:05,603 No offence. 419 00:21:05,603 --> 00:21:07,363 Yes, sir? 420 00:21:07,363 --> 00:21:08,683 Salaam aleikum, officer. 421 00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:10,363 Mr Khan, community leader - 422 00:21:10,363 --> 00:21:13,443 K, H for Hat, A for Asian, N for Knowledge - they all know me. 423 00:21:13,443 --> 00:21:15,043 CLEARS THROAT NOISILY 424 00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,483 How can I help? 425 00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,723 I believe you have my daughter, Alia. That's right, sir. 426 00:21:19,723 --> 00:21:22,483 We're investigating charges of criminal damage. 427 00:21:22,483 --> 00:21:23,963 Oh, my God! 428 00:21:23,963 --> 00:21:26,163 I knew it. She's a delinquent! 429 00:21:26,163 --> 00:21:28,003 Where is my daughter?! 430 00:21:28,003 --> 00:21:29,723 ALIA! 431 00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:32,723 She's in a holding cell at the moment, madam. 432 00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:34,163 She is a jailbird! 433 00:21:35,723 --> 00:21:38,843 You see? This is what's wrong with British justice. 434 00:21:38,843 --> 00:21:42,483 My daughter, who is perfectly innocent... Ha! 435 00:21:42,483 --> 00:21:44,603 ..who's perfectly innocent, 436 00:21:44,603 --> 00:21:47,843 is rotting away in a cell, 437 00:21:47,843 --> 00:21:49,443 while THAT man, 438 00:21:49,443 --> 00:21:52,483 who's committed God knows what crimes, 439 00:21:52,483 --> 00:21:54,003 is allowed to sit there, 440 00:21:54,003 --> 00:21:55,603 bold as brass, 441 00:21:55,603 --> 00:21:57,683 drinking coffee! 442 00:21:57,683 --> 00:22:00,003 That's DI Taylor, sir. 443 00:22:01,923 --> 00:22:04,243 He's going to interview your daughter. 444 00:22:07,563 --> 00:22:10,283 Now, I'm sure there's been a misunderstanding. 445 00:22:10,283 --> 00:22:12,803 Alia would never do anything like this. She's a good girl. 446 00:22:12,803 --> 00:22:15,163 I just need to ask Alia a few questions. 447 00:22:15,163 --> 00:22:16,483 Just tell the truth, Alia. 448 00:22:16,483 --> 00:22:19,483 We always tell the truth - it's one of the five pillars of Islam. 449 00:22:19,483 --> 00:22:21,283 I don't think it is, Papaji. 450 00:22:21,283 --> 00:22:23,843 Chup! Do you want to get out of here or not? 451 00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:26,243 Now, I just want you to tell me, 452 00:22:26,243 --> 00:22:28,883 in your own words, what happened. 453 00:22:28,883 --> 00:22:30,603 Well, we were at this party, 454 00:22:30,603 --> 00:22:33,003 and all these other people turned up, who none of us knew - 455 00:22:33,003 --> 00:22:36,203 like hundreds of them, and just started being really random 456 00:22:36,203 --> 00:22:37,803 and smashing things up, and that. 457 00:22:37,803 --> 00:22:41,283 So you're saying a lot of undesirable types turned up 458 00:22:41,283 --> 00:22:42,603 and they did the damage? 459 00:22:42,603 --> 00:22:44,043 Yeah. 460 00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:46,363 But you weren't one of the undesirables, were you? 461 00:22:46,363 --> 00:22:47,603 No, Papaji. 462 00:22:47,603 --> 00:22:50,523 I've never been one of the undesirables. 463 00:22:52,043 --> 00:22:54,483 I've only ever been desirable. 464 00:22:56,963 --> 00:22:58,403 Yes. 465 00:23:00,163 --> 00:23:02,243 But, you see, when we arrived, 466 00:23:02,243 --> 00:23:04,523 you were one of several people still on the premises, 467 00:23:04,523 --> 00:23:07,723 surrounded by thousands of pounds' worth of criminal damage. 468 00:23:07,723 --> 00:23:09,523 To the jelly and ice cream? 469 00:23:09,523 --> 00:23:11,523 We were trying to clear up! 470 00:23:11,523 --> 00:23:13,283 There you go! Come on, beti. 471 00:23:13,283 --> 00:23:17,283 I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't established your daughter's role in the events of this evening. 472 00:23:17,283 --> 00:23:18,443 What? 473 00:23:18,443 --> 00:23:20,163 My daughter is innocent! 474 00:23:20,163 --> 00:23:22,083 Innocent, I tell you! 475 00:23:22,083 --> 00:23:26,483 I cannot watch this country's proud record of justice-for-all 476 00:23:26,483 --> 00:23:28,523 be trampled through the mud! 477 00:23:28,523 --> 00:23:31,363 What would our great forbears think? 478 00:23:31,363 --> 00:23:34,723 The men and women who have fought hard 479 00:23:34,723 --> 00:23:38,003 to make our British legal system the envy of the world! 480 00:23:39,323 --> 00:23:41,843 And don't forget Habeas Corpus! 481 00:23:41,843 --> 00:23:45,083 What would SHE say about it, hm?! 482 00:23:46,723 --> 00:23:50,123 Think of the all the great British Bobbies from our past, 483 00:23:50,123 --> 00:23:51,603 looking down on you now - 484 00:23:51,603 --> 00:23:54,803 Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton, 485 00:23:54,803 --> 00:23:57,043 Bobby Davro. 486 00:23:58,523 --> 00:24:00,323 Don't let them down! 487 00:24:00,323 --> 00:24:03,443 Don't let this great country of ours down. 488 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:04,843 Look into your heart... 489 00:24:05,843 --> 00:24:08,363 ..and let my daughter walk free! 490 00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:11,203 CLEARS THROAT NOISILY 491 00:24:11,203 --> 00:24:12,923 Right. 492 00:24:12,923 --> 00:24:16,323 Well, her story does tally with the statements 493 00:24:16,323 --> 00:24:17,963 we have from the others. 494 00:24:17,963 --> 00:24:19,763 Allah hu Akbar! 495 00:24:19,763 --> 00:24:22,123 I'm like Khan-pole of the Bailey. 496 00:24:22,123 --> 00:24:24,203 Come on, beti. 497 00:24:24,203 --> 00:24:27,283 There is still the question of how they all knew about the party. 498 00:24:27,283 --> 00:24:28,403 What do you mean? 499 00:24:28,403 --> 00:24:32,043 It seems the details were posted on social media, 500 00:24:32,043 --> 00:24:34,163 freely available to anyone. 501 00:24:34,163 --> 00:24:36,883 We take that kind of thing very seriously these days. 502 00:24:36,883 --> 00:24:38,963 But it wasn't me. 503 00:24:38,963 --> 00:24:42,683 We've traced the IP address to a computer in your house. 504 00:24:44,523 --> 00:24:47,643 The details were posted at 7.30 this evening. A-ha! 505 00:24:47,643 --> 00:24:49,283 Well, there I have you! 506 00:24:49,283 --> 00:24:51,443 Alia had left the house by then 507 00:24:51,443 --> 00:24:54,403 and I was the only one using the computer. 508 00:24:57,043 --> 00:24:59,763 I see. And what do you use it for? 509 00:24:59,763 --> 00:25:02,843 Hotmails, Yahoos, 510 00:25:02,843 --> 00:25:04,883 Face...books... 511 00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:12,643 It was also mentioned in the mosque newsletter. 512 00:25:12,643 --> 00:25:14,203 Oh, twaddi...! 513 00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:19,563 Good news, madam, 514 00:25:19,563 --> 00:25:21,883 your daughter is free to go. 515 00:25:21,883 --> 00:25:23,883 Oh, thank you, thank you! 516 00:25:23,883 --> 00:25:26,603 Now we can all go home! 517 00:25:26,603 --> 00:25:27,843 Er, not quite. 518 00:25:27,843 --> 00:25:29,483 What do you mean? 519 00:25:29,483 --> 00:25:32,243 Unfortunately, your husband is going to have to stay and help us 520 00:25:32,243 --> 00:25:34,203 with some further enquiries. 521 00:25:34,203 --> 00:25:37,243 Come on, Amjad. We don't want anything more to do with them. 522 00:25:37,243 --> 00:25:38,723 How dare you! 523 00:25:38,723 --> 00:25:41,563 If you want to know how the daughter will turn out, 524 00:25:41,563 --> 00:25:43,003 look at the parents! 525 00:25:44,083 --> 00:25:45,843 Are you going to say something? 526 00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:48,043 I wasn't planning to. 527 00:25:50,443 --> 00:25:54,403 Look... I'm sorry I ruined the evening. 528 00:25:54,403 --> 00:25:57,163 I was just trying to impress you to get into SPBA. 529 00:25:58,683 --> 00:26:01,843 You mustn't judge Shazia by the mistakes of her father. 530 00:26:03,403 --> 00:26:04,803 Shazia is a lovely girl... 531 00:26:05,963 --> 00:26:07,643 ..better than we deserve... 532 00:26:08,923 --> 00:26:11,763 ..and Amjad would be very lucky to have her. 533 00:26:11,763 --> 00:26:13,523 No, thank you. 534 00:26:13,523 --> 00:26:16,123 Amjad, are you coming? 535 00:26:19,243 --> 00:26:20,843 No. 536 00:26:20,843 --> 00:26:22,523 I want to stay. 537 00:26:24,523 --> 00:26:26,523 I love you, ladoo. 538 00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:33,243 This is your last chance to save yourself from this family, Amjad. 539 00:26:33,243 --> 00:26:35,843 Look at them. 540 00:26:35,843 --> 00:26:37,123 They're just not right. 541 00:26:40,523 --> 00:26:41,763 I know. 542 00:26:44,003 --> 00:26:46,123 But they're my family now 543 00:26:46,123 --> 00:26:49,123 and we do things together! 544 00:26:49,123 --> 00:26:51,043 How could you do this to me?! 545 00:26:51,043 --> 00:26:52,523 HE SCREAMS 546 00:26:52,523 --> 00:26:54,963 Madam, that's assaulting a police officer! 547 00:26:54,963 --> 00:26:57,123 He's a community support officer! 548 00:26:57,123 --> 00:26:59,843 It is one step up from a lollypop lady! 549 00:26:59,843 --> 00:27:01,923 All right, that's enough. 550 00:27:01,923 --> 00:27:04,683 That is definitely assaulting a police officer. 551 00:27:04,683 --> 00:27:07,283 You're under arrest! Ow! 552 00:27:09,083 --> 00:27:11,203 Don't you think you should help? 553 00:27:11,203 --> 00:27:14,723 No, I think those two should be able to manage. 554 00:27:14,723 --> 00:27:15,883 Oh-ho-ho, toupee! 555 00:27:15,883 --> 00:27:17,763 I mean, touchee! 556 00:27:23,083 --> 00:27:26,723 I can't believe they're keeping Mrs Malik in overnight. 557 00:27:26,723 --> 00:27:28,363 I know. 558 00:27:28,363 --> 00:27:30,203 Good, eh? 559 00:27:30,963 --> 00:27:33,043 We nearly had to stay with her. 560 00:27:33,043 --> 00:27:35,083 Lucky you could help the police find the source 561 00:27:35,083 --> 00:27:37,203 of all those stolen remote control chairs. 562 00:27:37,203 --> 00:27:39,083 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 563 00:27:40,403 --> 00:27:44,403 You know, we Khans don't have to put on these airs and graces. 564 00:27:44,403 --> 00:27:48,963 We just respect each other and treat everyone equally... 565 00:27:48,963 --> 00:27:51,163 it's the British way. 566 00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,163 Dinner is served. 567 00:28:06,243 --> 00:28:09,563 Keithwalla, have the rest of the night off... 568 00:28:09,563 --> 00:28:12,883 after you've cleaned the little present Mr Malik left in the toilet. 569 00:28:14,923 --> 00:28:16,483 Bon appetitty!