1
00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:08,003
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.
The capital of British Pakistan.

2
00:00:14,123 --> 00:00:16,203
They all know me.
Do you like my suit?

3
00:00:18,523 --> 00:00:20,323
Number one. Citizen Khan.

4
00:00:21,603 --> 00:00:24,403
I need a lift to work.
I'm on the afternoon shift.

5
00:00:24,403 --> 00:00:26,243
Hold your horses!

6
00:00:30,683 --> 00:00:33,443
Kitchen's out of bounds.
I'm mopping the floor.

7
00:00:33,443 --> 00:00:34,723
No footprints, see?

8
00:00:34,723 --> 00:00:37,123
You women make such
a fuss of housework,

9
00:00:37,123 --> 00:00:39,283
but if you did it properly,
it's easy peasy.

10
00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:41,443
Just mind you don't hurt yourself.

11
00:00:41,443 --> 00:00:45,643
Chillax, sweetie.
It's all under control...ooh!

12
00:00:45,643 --> 00:00:49,003
See? Fine. But remember, you have to
put the washing in.

13
00:00:49,003 --> 00:00:50,843
Now I want it put in at 30 degrees.

14
00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,843
Yes, yes. Why is the...

15
00:00:52,843 --> 00:00:54,323
Stop! You can't come in here!

16
00:00:54,323 --> 00:00:55,523
Why is the bathroom locked?

17
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,923
Ask your father.
He's in charge of the house today.

18
00:00:57,923 --> 00:01:00,923
Bathroom now only open
between 7:00 and 8:30.

19
00:01:00,923 --> 00:01:02,363
What? Why!

20
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,963
My house, my rules.
Opens again at quarter past six.

21
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But that's not for hours. Chup.

22
00:01:07,163 --> 00:01:09,683
But... Chup. Dad! Chup!

23
00:01:09,683 --> 00:01:12,723
Well, come on, then.
I don't want to be late.

24
00:01:12,723 --> 00:01:14,803
Sweetie!

25
00:01:17,443 --> 00:01:18,483
Ah. That's got it.

26
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Ah!

27
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KNOCK ON DOOR

28
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Ah!

29
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Salman I like him, Mr Khan.

30
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Keith,
have you finished my patio yet?

31
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Not quite.

32
00:01:35,843 --> 00:01:39,763
You've been out there all week.
What's the hold-up? Too many blooming
tea-breaks, isn't it?

33
00:01:39,763 --> 00:01:42,083
I was just wondering
if I could use your loo.

34
00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:44,483
No. Please. It's closed.

35
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But I'm bursting.

36
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Fine. But be quick.

37
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Thanks! Oh, oh!

38
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And make sure you sit down!
I don't want any splashes!

39
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Right, now I've made a list
of the jobs that need doing.

40
00:02:02,643 --> 00:02:05,443
There's no need. Remember to do
the washing like I said.

41
00:02:05,443 --> 00:02:08,403
Yes. And call the caterers
for Shazia's wedding. Sweetie!

42
00:02:08,403 --> 00:02:11,243
Oh, and we need to find work
placement for Alia.

43
00:02:11,243 --> 00:02:14,243
She needs it for college. If we
leave it to her, she'll do something

44
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ridiculous like modelling,
or something.

45
00:02:16,243 --> 00:02:19,963
Alia's already a model. A model
of a perfect Muslim daughter!

46
00:02:21,363 --> 00:02:23,043
You know what I mean.

47
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,443
Chillax, sweetie.
It's all tickety-boo. All sorted.

48
00:02:26,443 --> 00:02:27,843
What is it? What's she doing?

49
00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:30,043
Is it something nice
and career-oriented?

50
00:02:30,043 --> 00:02:32,563
She's going be imam's assistant
at Marylebone mosque.

51
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She's going to London.

52
00:02:34,043 --> 00:02:35,963
But that's not very career-oriented.

53
00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:40,163
It is, if you're going to be
Sparkhill's first-ever female imam!

54
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Imagine that - father of an imam.

55
00:02:43,403 --> 00:02:46,483
I might even get my own parking
space at the mosque!

56
00:02:46,483 --> 00:02:49,003
But she can't wander round
London by herself.

57
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,203
She's not by herself.

58
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,043
But who's she with?

59
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Your sister.

60
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What! That makes it worse!

61
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,363
You know what Noor is like.

62
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A water buffalo with lipstick?

63
00:03:02,403 --> 00:03:04,603
She's a terrible influence.

64
00:03:04,603 --> 00:03:05,843
She's not that bad.

65
00:03:05,843 --> 00:03:08,683
She's a vain,
selfish, money-grabbing nightmare.

66
00:03:08,683 --> 00:03:10,123
But apart from that...

67
00:03:11,643 --> 00:03:14,523
She marries men for their money
and then she spends it on clothes

68
00:03:14,523 --> 00:03:15,603
and plastic surgery.

69
00:03:15,603 --> 00:03:17,723
How many husbands has
she gone through now? Four.

70
00:03:17,723 --> 00:03:20,563
You know, if she's got a loyalty
card, she gets the next one free.

71
00:03:22,363 --> 00:03:25,603
Just call Alia
and tell her to come back now.

72
00:03:25,603 --> 00:03:29,203
Sweetie, Alia is a good girl.

73
00:03:29,203 --> 00:03:30,403
You know, there comes a time

74
00:03:30,403 --> 00:03:33,283
when we have to trust our children
to do the right thing, hah?

75
00:03:33,283 --> 00:03:36,443
And, anyway, she'll be home later
and you'll see for yourself.

76
00:03:36,443 --> 00:03:38,443
If you say so. I do say so.

77
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Now stop worrying
and let's get you to work, hah?

78
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PHONE RINGS

79
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Hang on, that's my phone.

80
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RINGTONE:
# We will not let you go

81
00:03:48,963 --> 00:03:51,963
# Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go

82
00:03:51,963 --> 00:03:54,643
# Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go

83
00:03:54,643 --> 00:03:57,883
# Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go

84
00:03:57,883 --> 00:04:01,603
# Bismillah! No, we will not
let you go... #

85
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I'm coming.

86
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:08,603
RINGTONE CONTINUES

87
00:04:14,843 --> 00:04:16,603
RINGTONE STOPS

88
00:04:16,603 --> 00:04:19,083
Oh! Oh!

89
00:04:23,203 --> 00:04:25,603
Honestly, Mr Khan,
if you were that desperate,

90
00:04:25,603 --> 00:04:27,163
you should have just knocked.

91
00:04:27,163 --> 00:04:28,923
Yes, thank you, Keith.

92
00:04:32,603 --> 00:04:35,923
Maybe I'll ask my manager if Alia
can do her work experience here.

93
00:04:35,923 --> 00:04:37,003
No, no, no.

94
00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:39,923
I'm not having Alia stacking shelves
with a bunch of losers.

95
00:04:42,923 --> 00:04:44,683
And you, my darling.

96
00:04:45,883 --> 00:04:47,683
Wait!

97
00:04:47,683 --> 00:04:49,243
I need your staff discount card.

98
00:04:49,243 --> 00:04:50,963
What for? I want to get a snack.

99
00:04:50,963 --> 00:04:52,403
But it's for my use only.

100
00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:56,643
Sweetie, I'm your husband.
What's yours is mine.

101
00:04:56,643 --> 00:04:59,723
I've been cooking
and cleaning all day long.

102
00:04:59,723 --> 00:05:01,683
I just need some me time.

103
00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:04,483
Hello, hello, hello!

104
00:05:04,483 --> 00:05:07,083
Hello, Brian.

105
00:05:07,083 --> 00:05:09,003
This is my husband, Mr Khan.

106
00:05:09,003 --> 00:05:10,483
Ah! We meet at last.

107
00:05:10,483 --> 00:05:14,403
Brian Halcox, store manager.
I'm your lovely wife's boss.

108
00:05:14,403 --> 00:05:15,923
Salaam alaikum.

109
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She's an angel, isn't she?
Absolute angel, Mrs Khan.

110
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I don't know how I'd
manage without her.

111
00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:24,443
She's all right.

112
00:05:26,083 --> 00:05:28,123
You're a very lucky man.

113
00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:33,523
Great head for business, too.

114
00:05:33,523 --> 00:05:37,563
We're running loss leaders on some
big ticket items at the moment.

115
00:05:37,563 --> 00:05:42,803
Anyway, Mrs K only goes
and suggests nappies!

116
00:05:42,803 --> 00:05:44,283
Genius!

117
00:05:47,003 --> 00:05:51,083
Baby-and-toddler turnover
is up 200% in a week.

118
00:05:51,083 --> 00:05:54,363
Mind you, we've had to limit it
to four per customer otherwise

119
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people would be taking them
away by the truckload.

120
00:05:57,363 --> 00:06:00,163
HE LAUGHS

121
00:06:00,163 --> 00:06:01,843
Anyway, I must be going.

122
00:06:01,843 --> 00:06:04,803
Brian says
I could be management material.

123
00:06:04,803 --> 00:06:05,883
Stupid Brian.

124
00:06:07,763 --> 00:06:09,243
See you later, then.

125
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:12,083
Sweetie!
Aren't you forgetting something?

126
00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:14,403
Your staff card?

127
00:06:14,403 --> 00:06:18,563
I'm not supposed to. Brian is very
strict about these things.

128
00:06:18,563 --> 00:06:20,683
People have been taking advantage.

129
00:06:20,683 --> 00:06:23,483
You've got to trust me, darling.
It's like with Alia.

130
00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:26,643
We have to trust the people
we love. Isn't it?

131
00:06:26,643 --> 00:06:29,043
You're right. I'm sorry.

132
00:06:29,043 --> 00:06:31,203
It's OK. I forgive you.

133
00:06:33,483 --> 00:06:35,803
Ha-ha! Mwah!

134
00:06:39,163 --> 00:06:42,163
# Nappy days are here again

135
00:06:42,163 --> 00:06:44,843
# Tum te tum te,
tum te tum... #

136
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KNOCK ON DOOR

137
00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:00,363
Oh!

138
00:07:03,683 --> 00:07:05,643
Not another toilet break!

139
00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:08,043
No. I was just wondering...

140
00:07:08,043 --> 00:07:10,043
That's a lot of nappies
you've got there.

141
00:07:11,763 --> 00:07:15,563
So? Isn't it supposed to be only
four packs per customer?

142
00:07:15,563 --> 00:07:18,803
Per normal customer.
But I'm Mr Khan, community leader.

143
00:07:18,803 --> 00:07:21,363
They all know me.
And anyway, I got this. See?

144
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:25,203
Why do you need all those nappies,
though?

145
00:07:25,203 --> 00:07:26,483
Is Shazia...?

146
00:07:26,483 --> 00:07:29,923
Of course not!
She's not even married yet!

147
00:07:29,923 --> 00:07:31,243
Not Mrs Khan?

148
00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:34,883
No. Not Mrs Khan.
God! What's wrong with you?

149
00:07:34,883 --> 00:07:37,283
Sorry. But why...

150
00:07:37,283 --> 00:07:40,803
Look, Keith. I'm a businessman.
I saw a business opportunity.

151
00:07:40,803 --> 00:07:43,603
If I want to do my business
in nappies, then I will.

152
00:07:43,603 --> 00:07:45,363
DOORBELL

153
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,963
What do you want? Active fit
or super softies?

154
00:07:52,963 --> 00:07:54,083
I got them all.

155
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,603
Tell your friends, eh?

156
00:08:03,843 --> 00:08:05,763
Dad! Oh, God!

157
00:08:08,963 --> 00:08:12,083
What? What is it?
I'm trying to tidy up in here!

158
00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:14,363
Amjad's got something to tell you!

159
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:15,523
Tell him, budhoo!

160
00:08:15,523 --> 00:08:19,323
Oh, yeah. I've been on a detective
training course!

161
00:08:20,403 --> 00:08:21,923
He took an aptitude test

162
00:08:21,923 --> 00:08:24,563
and they said they'd never seen
results like it!

163
00:08:26,603 --> 00:08:29,163
I bet they haven't.

164
00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:31,723
You know, it's very interesting.

165
00:08:31,723 --> 00:08:33,803
They gave us
all the details of this murder case,

166
00:08:33,803 --> 00:08:36,363
where a woman's body was
found buried in a field

167
00:08:36,363 --> 00:08:37,963
and we had to work out whodunnit.

168
00:08:39,043 --> 00:08:41,923
And? What?

169
00:08:41,923 --> 00:08:44,963
Who done it? I don't know.
I had to leave before the end.

170
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:47,683
Brilliant.

171
00:08:47,683 --> 00:08:50,283
You know the key to being a good
detective is to keep your mind

172
00:08:50,283 --> 00:08:52,683
open to all possible explanations.

173
00:08:52,683 --> 00:08:55,483
In detective work, things aren't
always what they seem.

174
00:08:55,483 --> 00:08:57,563
Sounds like a load of rubbish to me!

175
00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:59,363
Or does it?

176
00:09:01,283 --> 00:09:04,283
Well, I think it's great.
You're so clever, budhoo.

177
00:09:04,283 --> 00:09:05,523
Or am I?

178
00:09:07,123 --> 00:09:08,563
DOORBELL

179
00:09:08,563 --> 00:09:10,523
I'll get it -
it'll be Auntie Noor with Alia.

180
00:09:10,523 --> 00:09:12,003
Or will it?

181
00:09:15,883 --> 00:09:17,723
Where are you going?

182
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:21,523
I thought I heard the doorbell.
Will it be Auntie Noor?

183
00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:22,563
Yes, so?

184
00:09:26,683 --> 00:09:27,923
Oh, my God.

185
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:33,403
I thought I'd just, er,
pop round and say hello.

186
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:37,603
Trust me, Keith,
she's not your type.

187
00:09:37,603 --> 00:09:40,203
What are you going to do,
convert to Islam?

188
00:09:40,203 --> 00:09:43,323
Of course I'm not going
to convert!

189
00:09:43,323 --> 00:09:45,323
Well...unless she asked me to.

190
00:09:47,483 --> 00:09:49,443
You know,
now Alia is training to be an imam,

191
00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:51,363
maybe we could do
the conversion for you.

192
00:09:51,363 --> 00:09:53,843
Why don't we start
with snippy-snippy?

193
00:09:57,643 --> 00:10:00,243
EXCITED CHATTER

194
00:10:00,243 --> 00:10:02,563
Hello, sweetie!

195
00:10:02,563 --> 00:10:05,603
Oh, well! Hello, sweetie yourself!

196
00:10:07,363 --> 00:10:09,963
So, how was the mosque?

197
00:10:09,963 --> 00:10:13,003
We've had such an excellent day,
haven't we, Alia?

198
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:14,203
Yeah. It was amazing.

199
00:10:14,203 --> 00:10:15,923
Yes, mosques are amazing.

200
00:10:15,923 --> 00:10:18,883
We hit the designer shops and then
we just kept on hitting them! Whoo!

201
00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,803
It was the best time I've ever had!

202
00:10:21,803 --> 00:10:24,523
Good, good. And what about the imam?
Did you mention my name?

203
00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:25,963
Am I going to get a parking space?

204
00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:29,043
Every shop we went into, they said
how incredible Alia looked.

205
00:10:29,043 --> 00:10:32,123
And how she should be a model.
Even the imam?

206
00:10:32,123 --> 00:10:36,203
We didn't see the imam, you nitwit!
What? We've spent the whole day
shopping for clothes!

207
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:40,883
But what about your work experience?
This IS for her work experience.

208
00:10:40,883 --> 00:10:42,963
Shall we tell them? Tell us what?

209
00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:45,643
My friend's a booker
at an agency in New York.

210
00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:47,603
She wants Alia to come
out for a trial.

211
00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:49,763
And Auntie Noor's coming with me
as my chaperone!

212
00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:51,243
We fly out on Monday!

213
00:10:51,243 --> 00:10:53,723
BOTH: Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

214
00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:56,803
Oh, my God!

215
00:10:56,803 --> 00:10:58,283
Now hang on a second.

216
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:02,843
You have such fabulous skin,
and what an amazing figure.

217
00:11:02,843 --> 00:11:05,923
She takes after me
at that age, of course.

218
00:11:05,923 --> 00:11:08,403
And this one - not so much.

219
00:11:09,963 --> 00:11:11,963
She's more like her mother.

220
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:15,763
You know, in my younger days, your
mother was always in my shadow.

221
00:11:15,763 --> 00:11:18,563
Mostly because she's so short.

222
00:11:18,563 --> 00:11:21,683
I used to get all the boys.
I tried not to

223
00:11:21,683 --> 00:11:24,243
but they just wouldn't leave me
alone.

224
00:11:24,243 --> 00:11:26,843
They all wanted a piece of me.

225
00:11:26,843 --> 00:11:29,163
Well, there's plenty of you
to go around.

226
00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:35,163
Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model.
What about your exams?

227
00:11:35,163 --> 00:11:37,523
Don't need exams to be rich
and famous.

228
00:11:37,523 --> 00:11:41,723
Quite right. People like us
don't need boring exams and jobs.

229
00:11:41,723 --> 00:11:44,883
After all, we have Kim Kardashian.

230
00:11:46,003 --> 00:11:47,603
She's amazing.

231
00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:49,043
She IS amazing.

232
00:11:49,043 --> 00:11:51,643
Who are they talking about?

233
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:54,923
A stupid woman with a big bum.

234
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,763
You stick with me, beti. I'll make
sure you become a celebrity!

235
00:11:58,763 --> 00:12:01,403
Hang on... Too late! But I...
It's all arranged.

236
00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:05,123
Now listen. I'm the head of this
household and if I.... And chup!

237
00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:06,923
Chup?

238
00:12:06,923 --> 00:12:09,563
Alia, go and pack your bags.

239
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,963
I'm going to grab a coffee.

240
00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:12,963
I don't suppose you have an
espresso machine.

241
00:12:19,203 --> 00:12:20,963
Are you going to say something?

242
00:12:20,963 --> 00:12:22,163
She chupped me!

243
00:12:24,123 --> 00:12:25,883
You need to talk to Alia.

244
00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:27,883
Yes, talk to Alia. Alia!

245
00:12:27,883 --> 00:12:30,003
This is not good.
This is not good!

246
00:12:30,003 --> 00:12:33,603
When Mum finds out, she's going to
kill you. When Mum finds out,
she's going to kill me!

247
00:12:33,603 --> 00:12:35,163
Oh, my God!

248
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:38,523
She's going to kill me.

249
00:12:39,723 --> 00:12:41,563
This is all Auntie Noor's fault.

250
00:12:41,563 --> 00:12:44,443
What are you going to do, sir?
I'm going to kill HER.

251
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:52,723
Now listen here,
Ellie Big Mac-pherson.

252
00:12:52,723 --> 00:12:55,563
I want you to stay away from Alia.
She's a good girl.

253
00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:57,683
You can't stop
her following her dreams.

254
00:12:57,683 --> 00:13:00,043
I could have had a glamorous
career in modelling.

255
00:13:00,043 --> 00:13:01,403
Do you know what stopped me?

256
00:13:01,403 --> 00:13:03,283
Is it something to do with water
buffaloes?

257
00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:06,203
My father wouldn't allow it.

258
00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:10,163
I will not let you ruin Alia's life
the same way my father ruined mine.

259
00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:13,803
She's my daughter
and I'll ruin her life if I want to!

260
00:13:13,803 --> 00:13:16,523
I'm taking her to New York.
No, you're bloomin' not.

261
00:13:16,523 --> 00:13:18,723
I've already bought the tickets!
What!

262
00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,883
Hm! Hm!

263
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,563
TEXT MESSAGE

264
00:13:27,243 --> 00:13:28,723
Don't go anywhere!

265
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:35,243
There you go.
All top-quality merchandise.

266
00:13:36,323 --> 00:13:37,643
Thank you! Come again.

267
00:13:41,043 --> 00:13:42,443
Right, where were we?

268
00:13:42,443 --> 00:13:43,843
If you try and stop Alia and me

269
00:13:43,843 --> 00:13:47,243
going to New York, I'll tell
everyone about your nappy scam.
What?

270
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:51,043
You're getting nappies from the
supermarket and then you're selling
them at a profit.

271
00:13:51,043 --> 00:13:52,883
You are a nappy dealer.

272
00:13:55,323 --> 00:13:57,043
Don't be ridiculous.

273
00:13:58,323 --> 00:14:00,283
Oh, twadi!

274
00:14:02,523 --> 00:14:05,363
You know, I don't think my sister
would be very pleased

275
00:14:05,363 --> 00:14:07,363
if she found out what
you've been up to.

276
00:14:07,363 --> 00:14:10,003
But she won't find out, though.
Will she?

277
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:12,963
I don't know. She might. How?

278
00:14:12,963 --> 00:14:15,483
Someone might tell her.

279
00:14:15,483 --> 00:14:17,203
Like who?

280
00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:18,283
Me.

281
00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:21,243
You wouldn't dare.

282
00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:23,763
Wouldn't I? You know, she called.

283
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:26,083
She's on her way home right now.

284
00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:28,323
Oh! She'll be here in 15 minutes.

285
00:14:28,323 --> 00:14:31,363
But she... But you... And I...

286
00:14:31,363 --> 00:14:34,043
Oh. I've got to go and help
Alia pack.

287
00:14:34,043 --> 00:14:38,043
I hear it gets quite chilly in New
York at this time of year. Brrr!

288
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,363
KNOCK ON DOOR

289
00:14:44,523 --> 00:14:47,003
Is now a good time to see
Auntie Noor? No!

290
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,283
Hold on! Yes!

291
00:14:53,763 --> 00:14:55,523
Keith! Yes.

292
00:14:57,283 --> 00:14:58,923
You like Auntie Noor, don't you?

293
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:02,363
Oh, yes. She's a fine-looking woman,
your sister-in-law.

294
00:15:02,363 --> 00:15:06,843
You should, er, ask her over to yours
for...tea or something.

295
00:15:06,843 --> 00:15:09,563
No. I couldn't do that.

296
00:15:09,563 --> 00:15:13,283
Yes, you could.
You could do it right now.

297
00:15:13,283 --> 00:15:16,403
No. She wouldn't look
twice at someone like me.

298
00:15:16,403 --> 00:15:17,843
That's rubbish.

299
00:15:18,963 --> 00:15:22,923
Don't put yourself down, Keith.
You're a very attractive man.

300
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:28,563
Am I? Yes, of course! Look at you.

301
00:15:28,563 --> 00:15:30,643
Any woman would be lucky
to have you.

302
00:15:33,523 --> 00:15:38,443
I probably shouldn't tell you this,
but earlier on, Noor told me

303
00:15:38,443 --> 00:15:40,363
she thought you were a dreamboat.

304
00:15:43,283 --> 00:15:45,803
No! Yes!

305
00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:50,083
"Like a young Sean Connery",
that's what she said.

306
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:53,923
Really? I've always thought of
myself more as a Roger Moore type.

307
00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:57,283
Oh, yes, that was it!
The Rajah Moores!

308
00:15:59,003 --> 00:16:01,483
I tell you what -
why don't you go home,

309
00:16:01,483 --> 00:16:05,203
put something on a bit more "007".

310
00:16:05,203 --> 00:16:07,643
I'll make up some excuse
to get her round to yours

311
00:16:07,643 --> 00:16:10,283
and you can get to know each other
better.

312
00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:14,963
That would be great!
Maybe I'll get my dickie bow out.

313
00:16:14,963 --> 00:16:16,363
Steady on.

314
00:16:17,403 --> 00:16:19,123
No, I meant my dinner jacket.

315
00:16:19,123 --> 00:16:22,963
Oh, right. Yes, go on.
Get on with it, eh? Bye-bye, 007.

316
00:16:27,603 --> 00:16:29,963
SHE SIGHS

317
00:16:32,963 --> 00:16:35,963
HE HUMS

318
00:16:40,683 --> 00:16:42,123
What do you want?

319
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:44,843
Nothing.

320
00:16:45,843 --> 00:16:47,403
Have you seen...Keith?

321
00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:52,283
Who? You know. Keith, from next
door. About this tall.

322
00:16:52,283 --> 00:16:53,963
Looks like Rajah Moores?

323
00:16:53,963 --> 00:16:57,323
The man laying your patio?
That's him. No.

324
00:16:57,323 --> 00:17:00,123
Right. Good. Why?
Keith is a friend of mine

325
00:17:00,123 --> 00:17:02,603
and I don't want you
getting your claws into him.

326
00:17:02,603 --> 00:17:05,283
I assure you there is absolutely
no danger of that.

327
00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:08,243
Don't play the innocent with me.
I know what you're like.

328
00:17:08,243 --> 00:17:11,163
A single man, lives on his own,

329
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:14,483
sweet, kind...rich.

330
00:17:16,883 --> 00:17:18,803
Rich? Haan.

331
00:17:18,803 --> 00:17:20,843
The man next door's rich?

332
00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:22,723
And sweet, and kind.

333
00:17:22,723 --> 00:17:25,843
Oh! The one laying your patio -
he's rich?

334
00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:31,483
There's a lot of money in patios.
Oh! How rich is he?

335
00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:35,243
I wouldn't know. He's not obsessed
with money, like some people.

336
00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:40,283
Only the other day he said to me,
"Mr Khan, you can't buy happiness.

337
00:17:40,283 --> 00:17:43,603
"Not even for a million pounds."

338
00:17:43,603 --> 00:17:46,243
SHE CHOKES

339
00:17:48,083 --> 00:17:50,363
I'm just going to see
a man about a patio.

340
00:17:51,523 --> 00:17:52,563
Bye-bye!

341
00:17:55,003 --> 00:17:56,483
Ah!

342
00:18:00,243 --> 00:18:02,403
Is New York anywhere near LA?

343
00:18:02,403 --> 00:18:04,243
Maybe I'll be a film star, too.

344
00:18:04,243 --> 00:18:06,963
Alia, what are you doing?
Put that away.

345
00:18:06,963 --> 00:18:10,563
Your mother's on her way home.
What about New York?
You're not going to New York.

346
00:18:10,563 --> 00:18:12,603
Oh, what? I'm going to be a model.

347
00:18:12,603 --> 00:18:15,043
No, you're not. That's not fair.

348
00:18:15,043 --> 00:18:18,043
We'll see what Auntie Noor
has to say about it.

349
00:18:19,203 --> 00:18:21,283
Where is she, anyway? Never mind.

350
00:18:21,283 --> 00:18:24,203
She was here a minute ago.
Then she just disappeared.

351
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:27,203
Doesn't matter. Auntie Noor!

352
00:18:28,643 --> 00:18:30,763
You're wasting your breath.

353
00:18:30,763 --> 00:18:34,443
She must be here somewhere.
It's a mystery.

354
00:18:34,443 --> 00:18:36,363
Just forget about Auntie Noor!

355
00:18:36,363 --> 00:18:39,563
We don't need to worry
about her any more.

356
00:18:39,563 --> 00:18:42,123
And you just get on with
your studies.

357
00:18:42,123 --> 00:18:44,163
I'm back!

358
00:18:44,163 --> 00:18:46,283
Oh, hello, sweetie.
You're home early.

359
00:18:46,283 --> 00:18:47,403
Where's Alia?

360
00:18:47,403 --> 00:18:50,403
There she is. At home.
Doing her studies, like a good girl.

361
00:18:50,403 --> 00:18:51,883
Great. Brian.

362
00:18:51,883 --> 00:18:53,243
What?

363
00:18:53,243 --> 00:18:55,443
Hello, hello, hello.

364
00:18:55,443 --> 00:18:56,483
What's he doing here?

365
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:59,283
Brian said he would consider
letting Alia do her work

366
00:18:59,283 --> 00:19:01,483
experience at the supermarket.

367
00:19:01,483 --> 00:19:04,523
What! Anything for my star worker.

368
00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:05,683
Here she is.

369
00:19:05,683 --> 00:19:08,883
Alia, take Brian into the kitchen.
You can interview her there.

370
00:19:08,883 --> 00:19:11,283
No! Not the kitchen! Why not?

371
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:12,803
The floor's wet. Still?

372
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:15,643
When I mop a floor, my darling,
it stays mopped.

373
00:19:15,643 --> 00:19:18,443
Why don't you
take a seat here, Brian.

374
00:19:18,443 --> 00:19:21,523
And I'll bring you a cup of tea.
Coffee, if you've got it!

375
00:19:21,523 --> 00:19:23,643
Of course! Stupid Brian.

376
00:19:25,443 --> 00:19:27,763
Oh, God! Hide the nappies!

377
00:19:27,763 --> 00:19:29,323
Hide the nappies!

378
00:19:39,283 --> 00:19:40,603
Oh!

379
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:43,803
Oh, God!

380
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:50,963
God, this is Mr Khan speaking.

381
00:19:52,963 --> 00:19:56,043
Community leader. They all know me.
Obviously, you know me.

382
00:19:57,603 --> 00:20:00,083
Now look, mate,

383
00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:01,803
if you get me out of this,

384
00:20:01,803 --> 00:20:05,443
I promise I'll never abuse my wife's
staff discount card again.

385
00:20:07,643 --> 00:20:09,883
And...
I'll go on a pilgrimage to Mecca.

386
00:20:09,883 --> 00:20:12,083
If all the cheap flights
haven't gone.

387
00:20:13,723 --> 00:20:16,363
And my credit card
doesn't get declined.

388
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,883
WIND BLOWS

389
00:20:23,883 --> 00:20:25,203
Ooh!

390
00:20:26,443 --> 00:20:28,643
DIVINE MUSIC

391
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:30,283
The patio!

392
00:20:32,923 --> 00:20:35,083
Aaaaah! The patio!

393
00:20:38,123 --> 00:20:39,803
The patio!

394
00:20:42,403 --> 00:20:44,963
Auntie Noor?

395
00:20:44,963 --> 00:20:47,083
Auntie No-oor!

396
00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:50,403
Hello, sir. Amjad.

397
00:20:50,403 --> 00:20:52,443
LAUGHTER

398
00:20:56,683 --> 00:20:58,643
I was just looking for Auntie Noor.

399
00:20:58,643 --> 00:21:02,443
Auntie Noor. Ha! Well,
you won't be seeing her for a while!

400
00:21:05,483 --> 00:21:08,923
What's going on, sir?
Amjad, can I trust you?

401
00:21:08,923 --> 00:21:11,203
What do you mean?

402
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,203
If I told you I'd done
something wrong,

403
00:21:13,203 --> 00:21:15,083
could I trust you to keep
it a secret?

404
00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:20,283
Have you done something wrong?
Yes, I have. Oh, no!

405
00:21:20,283 --> 00:21:22,723
I've done something very, very wrong.

406
00:21:22,723 --> 00:21:24,563
Oh, no, no, no!

407
00:21:24,563 --> 00:21:29,323
And I've buried the evidence under
the patio. Oh, no, no, no, no!

408
00:21:29,323 --> 00:21:31,803
Amjad, I need you to stay calm. OK!

409
00:21:34,323 --> 00:21:37,963
What you have to understand is that
when someone does a bad thing,

410
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,363
sometimes they might have a good
reason for doing it.

411
00:21:40,363 --> 00:21:41,883
You understand that, don't you?

412
00:21:43,323 --> 00:21:46,363
So I need you to help me hide
the rest of the evidence. What?

413
00:21:46,363 --> 00:21:47,723
The rest of the evidence.

414
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,683
I need you to help me hide it
under the patio.

415
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:52,323
You mean there's more than one bit?

416
00:21:53,763 --> 00:21:55,203
Of course.

417
00:21:55,203 --> 00:21:56,723
Oh, no!

418
00:21:56,723 --> 00:21:58,123
DOORBELL

419
00:21:58,123 --> 00:22:01,883
Right, I'll go and keep them busy in
there. And you just get on with it.

420
00:22:08,963 --> 00:22:11,563
Ah! Here's your tea.

421
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:13,003
He asked for coffee.

422
00:22:13,003 --> 00:22:15,203
Sorry to be a pain.

423
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:16,803
No problem.

424
00:22:16,803 --> 00:22:18,003
Stupid Brian!

425
00:22:19,683 --> 00:22:23,363
Dad, there's a bunch of women at the
front door waving ten-pound notes

426
00:22:23,363 --> 00:22:25,563
and asking for packets of nappies.

427
00:22:25,563 --> 00:22:27,803
What?

428
00:22:27,803 --> 00:22:29,603
What are you all looking at me for?

429
00:22:30,923 --> 00:22:34,883
What have you done?
Nothing. I haven't done anything.

430
00:22:34,883 --> 00:22:36,883
Mr Khan's killed Auntie Noor!

431
00:22:36,883 --> 00:22:38,603
ALL: What?

432
00:22:38,603 --> 00:22:41,483
He's chopped her into pieces
and buried her under the patio!

433
00:22:41,483 --> 00:22:43,923
You've buried my sister
under the patio?

434
00:22:45,523 --> 00:22:48,363
Amjad! What the hell
are you talking about?

435
00:22:48,363 --> 00:22:52,723
I suppose my suspicions were first
aroused when Mr Khan said -

436
00:22:52,723 --> 00:22:57,323
and I quote -
"I'm going to kill her."

437
00:22:57,323 --> 00:22:58,923
Well, obviously I didn't mean it.

438
00:22:58,923 --> 00:23:00,883
Why would
I want to kill your sister?

439
00:23:00,883 --> 00:23:02,843
Apart from the obvious.

440
00:23:02,843 --> 00:23:05,963
She was going to take Alia
to New York to become a model.

441
00:23:05,963 --> 00:23:08,643
Sh! Don't listen to him.
Is this true?

442
00:23:08,643 --> 00:23:12,203
Yeah. Well, I don't
know about the murdering bit.
There hasn't been any murdering!

443
00:23:12,203 --> 00:23:14,483
This is all a load of Columbo Jumbo!

444
00:23:17,083 --> 00:23:20,363
Well, what did you want me to help
you bury under the patio, then?

445
00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:25,483
I'd rather not say.

446
00:23:25,483 --> 00:23:30,283
Mr Khan, I'm arresting you
for the murder of...Auntie Noor.

447
00:23:30,283 --> 00:23:31,643
Amjad!

448
00:23:32,923 --> 00:23:35,683
You do not have to say anything...
Amjad!

449
00:23:35,683 --> 00:23:38,683
..but it may harm your defence if
you do not mention when questioned

450
00:23:38,683 --> 00:23:42,083
something which you
later rely on in... Nappies!

451
00:23:43,483 --> 00:23:46,563
Pardon?
That's what's buried under the patio.

452
00:23:46,563 --> 00:23:50,723
200 packets
of supermarket Super Softies.

453
00:23:50,723 --> 00:23:52,043
What!

454
00:23:52,043 --> 00:23:53,643
Oh, dear.

455
00:23:53,643 --> 00:23:55,923
I used your staff discount
card to get them.

456
00:23:55,923 --> 00:23:57,603
Oh, dear, oh, dear!

457
00:23:57,603 --> 00:24:00,963
You buried Auntie Noor
under a load of nappies?

458
00:24:03,963 --> 00:24:07,643
For the last time,
I haven't killed Auntie Noor!

459
00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:09,043
Well, where is she, then?

460
00:24:10,603 --> 00:24:13,403
Well, that was a waste of time.

461
00:24:13,403 --> 00:24:14,643
ALL: Auntie Noor!

462
00:24:14,643 --> 00:24:17,003
That man's not rich.
I looked in his wallet.

463
00:24:17,003 --> 00:24:18,843
There's more plastic in my buttocks.

464
00:24:21,763 --> 00:24:24,243
Happy now, Miss Marples?

465
00:24:24,243 --> 00:24:26,403
How could you
abuse my trust like this?

466
00:24:28,323 --> 00:24:30,083
It hasn't been easy.

467
00:24:33,083 --> 00:24:35,283
Brian, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

468
00:24:35,283 --> 00:24:38,603
Please, Mrs Khan - there's no
need for YOU to apologise.

469
00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:40,083
There you are, see.

470
00:24:40,083 --> 00:24:41,403
You, on the other hand...

471
00:24:41,403 --> 00:24:42,683
Me?

472
00:24:45,043 --> 00:24:46,683
Hey!

473
00:24:46,683 --> 00:24:49,163
Perhaps you could give this
to a good cause.

474
00:24:49,163 --> 00:24:50,723
Our next staff outing?

475
00:24:50,723 --> 00:24:54,883
I don't suppose you'll consider
Alia's work experience now.

476
00:24:54,883 --> 00:24:57,683
Only if you promise me
she takes after her mother.

477
00:25:00,323 --> 00:25:03,603
But I don't want to
work in a stupid supermarket!

478
00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:06,283
I want to be a supermodel
in New York!

479
00:25:06,283 --> 00:25:07,683
You tell them, darling.

480
00:25:07,683 --> 00:25:09,443
YOU keep out of this.

481
00:25:09,443 --> 00:25:11,163
YOU will do as you're told.

482
00:25:11,163 --> 00:25:14,563
And I am going to make Brian
his coffee.

483
00:25:16,203 --> 00:25:18,803
Oh, well. All's well that ends well.

484
00:25:20,723 --> 00:25:21,883
Everybody's happy.

485
00:25:24,443 --> 00:25:25,883
I'm not.

486
00:25:30,163 --> 00:25:33,043
All right, sweetie?
Don't you "all right, sweetie" me!

487
00:25:33,043 --> 00:25:36,043
I leave you in charge for one day
and look what happens. Sorry.

488
00:25:36,043 --> 00:25:39,563
Alia is going to do the shelf
stacking and that's it, do you hear?

489
00:25:39,563 --> 00:25:42,843
I don't want to hear any more
nonsense about modelling
and New York.

490
00:25:42,843 --> 00:25:44,923
Haan.

491
00:25:44,923 --> 00:25:46,963
Sweetie!

492
00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:51,403
Of course, shelf-stacking
can be good - look at you.

493
00:25:51,403 --> 00:25:54,883
It's helped you reach parts
you never thought you could.

494
00:25:56,603 --> 00:26:00,363
But about New York, shouldn't
we let Alia chase her dream,

495
00:26:00,363 --> 00:26:04,563
at least for a little while, even if
it comes to nothing in the end?

496
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:07,963
I just don't want her to get hurt
when it all goes wrong.

497
00:26:07,963 --> 00:26:11,523
I know. But she's young.

498
00:26:11,523 --> 00:26:13,163
She'll bounce back.

499
00:26:14,283 --> 00:26:15,923
You think we should let her go?

500
00:26:15,923 --> 00:26:17,443
Do you?

501
00:26:17,443 --> 00:26:19,803
I don't know. Maybe?

502
00:26:21,043 --> 00:26:23,283
You know, my darling,

503
00:26:23,283 --> 00:26:26,283
sometimes dreams come true.

504
00:26:26,283 --> 00:26:28,283
Mine did.

505
00:26:28,283 --> 00:26:31,723
What? You mean the one
where you're Superman

506
00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:34,843
and you're flying
around the Bullring?

507
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:36,283
In your underpants?

508
00:26:36,283 --> 00:26:37,563
No, not that one.

509
00:26:40,363 --> 00:26:43,443
I used to dream that someday,

510
00:26:43,443 --> 00:26:45,763
I'd be living happily

511
00:26:45,763 --> 00:26:50,483
with a beautiful wife
and two beautiful children.

512
00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:51,923
And look at me now.

513
00:26:51,923 --> 00:26:53,803
AUDIENCE: Aw!

514
00:26:53,803 --> 00:26:55,483
We better go and tell Brian.

515
00:26:55,483 --> 00:26:56,723
Chalo.

516
00:27:01,003 --> 00:27:03,363
Brian. Mr Halcox.

517
00:27:03,363 --> 00:27:06,403
I'm sorry but we've had
a change of heart about Alia.

518
00:27:06,403 --> 00:27:09,003
It's OK, Mum. I'm going
to work for the supermarket.

519
00:27:09,003 --> 00:27:10,243
What?

520
00:27:10,243 --> 00:27:11,563
Brian says he'll give me a job.

521
00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:14,963
But what about your dreams
and New York, and...?

522
00:27:14,963 --> 00:27:16,963
Yeah, New York would be nice,

523
00:27:16,963 --> 00:27:19,683
but I thought it would be better
for me to stay in Sparkhill.

524
00:27:19,683 --> 00:27:21,363
Oh, thank God!

525
00:27:22,563 --> 00:27:24,883
So who is going to come with me
to New York?

526
00:27:26,003 --> 00:27:27,043
Not you.

527
00:27:29,483 --> 00:27:32,803
Well done, beti.
You made the right choice.

528
00:27:32,803 --> 00:27:36,083
I know stacking shelves
may not be very glamorous,

529
00:27:36,083 --> 00:27:39,963
but you will learn more from that
than any fancy-pancy modelling jobs.

530
00:27:39,963 --> 00:27:43,243
Yeah. I won't be stacking shelves,
though.

531
00:27:43,243 --> 00:27:47,283
What? Alia's got the perfect look
to be the face of our new range

532
00:27:47,283 --> 00:27:49,203
of fashion hijabs.

533
00:27:50,723 --> 00:27:52,643
Allah hu Akbar!

534
00:27:52,643 --> 00:27:56,403
I told you
she was a model Muslim daughter!

535
00:27:59,963 --> 00:28:02,643
LAUGHTER