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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.

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The capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me.

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Do you like my suit?

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Number one. Citizen Khan.

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Mum... What do you think?

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I'm so excited about today.
Are you ready?

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I just need to get my bag.
Is Dad coming?

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He's in there. What's he doing?

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There's a civic reception
for Prince Charles

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at the town hall tonight.

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Everyone who is anyone in
Birmingham has had an invitation.

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So...

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Your dad's still waiting for his.

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Heard anything yet?

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Any minute now.
I'm on hold to the press office.

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How long have you been on hold?

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15 hours.

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15 hours?
Haven't they answered yet?

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Yes, of course they have.
They know me really well.

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Every time I call, this woman answers
and says, "Oh, it's you again,"

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and puts me back on hold.

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Well, can I have my phone
back now, please?

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No! That's for incoming.

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You don't want to meet
Prince Charles, Dad.

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I mean, what would you talk about?

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Shazia, me and Prince Charles
got a lot in common.

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We always wear the same suit.

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Both got two children, one good,

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one not so good.

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And we're both big supporters
of the Green issues.

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How do you support Green issues?

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Pakistan, isn't it!

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You know, when we're best mates,

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Charlie boy might come round
for tea and pakoras.

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Oh, yes, it'll be like
a lad's night in!

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Then Camilla will call and say,

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"Hello, Charlie darling.

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"Are you coming home?

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"Because your tea is getting cold".

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"No, I'm sorry, Camilla.

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"I'm hanging with my BFF, Mr Khan".

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Dad, I don't think we're the kind
of people that get invited to meet
royalty.

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Rubbish. Dr Prakash got
an invitation, and he's an Indian!

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He's a doctor.
And I'm a community leader!

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Just as important
and as useful as doctor.

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I think a doctor might be
a bit more useful if you're ill.

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Not an Indian doctor, sweetie.

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Every time I go to see an Indian
doctor, I come home feeling much
worse.

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You should be glad to have a chance
to support your mother's career!

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Farms are boring!
Just for a couple of hours.

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What about college? It's actually
illegal not to go to college,
you know.

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Bit late to be worrying about that.

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All you have to do is come
to our stall at the city farm

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and look interested.

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Shazia! Do you want
a lift into town?

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It's your fiance...

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Amjad.

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We'll come and support you, Mum.
Won't we, budhoo?

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Yes.

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To do what?

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Mum's got a stall at the city farm.

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I persuaded
Brian it would be a great way

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of promoting our organic milk.

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It's the Fair and Fresh range.

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We're sponsoring Daisy the cow.

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Oh, right.

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To do what?

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She's doing a 24-hour skipathon.

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Wow!

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They just help to pay for her
upkeep. Cows can't skip, budhoo.

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You say that, but I've seen
a squirrel that can water ski.

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I should get my own tea, shall I?

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So are you going to come
and support me, then?

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No, sweetie, I'm busy!

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If it all goes well, who knows?

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Brian said I could be up
for a promotion!

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Stupid Brian.

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It's for a good cause, Dad.

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Organic is how food is meant to be.
It's natural.

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There's nothing natural about
charging £4 for an apple, Shazia.

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Free. That's how food is naturally.

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If they wanted it to be really
natural, they'd give it away
for nothing.

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MOBILE RINGS

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This is it! This is it!

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My invitation to the
Prince Charles civic reception.

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Oh!

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Hello, Mr Khan,
community leader speaking!

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'This is an urgent message about
your payment protection insurance...

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'In the last ten years...'
It's for you!

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Mr Khan!

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Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

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Wa'alaikum salaam, Riaz!

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Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

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Hello, Dave.

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We're going to the city farm.
Are you coming?

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Oh, God, not you as well!
What are you going there for?

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Well, we have to support the local
community, Mr Khan. And I think it's

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important that we stay in touch
with our farming heritage.

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I'm sorry, but you're not getting me
along to a poncey-shmoncey love-in

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for tree huggers and bean ticklers.

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I'm not sure that's the right
expression... Listen, Dave,

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the likes of me get invited
to civic receptions.

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The likes of you hang about
at glorified petting zoos.

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There's going to be
a surprise visit from a VIP.

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You might even get to meet him.

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Who is it?
I'm not really allowed to say.

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Let me guess, some washed up,
X Factor winner? No, thank you.

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He's really into the use
of organic fertiliser.

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So is next door's cat.

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He's from a large and important
family. Lives in a big house?

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Not Mr Javed!

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No. It's...

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Oh, God!

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Not Gary flippin' Lineker!

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I tell you,

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that man would turn up to
the opening of a crisp packet.

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So you're not coming? No!

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Bye-bye.

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God.

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Honestly.

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Oh, Charlie!

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HE SHOUTS IN URDU

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Thank you, God!

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Right, let's get this
show on the road!

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Yes, Brian.

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Remember, we want as much
publicity out of this as possible.

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OK, so, I'll hand out the free
samples and then I'll give out
the leaflets.

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And then I'll tell everyone about
the cows we're sponsoring,
and then I ...

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Hey, hey, hey, hey.

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Come on, now. Remember,
there's no "I" in team.

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This is a joint effort.

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Of course, Brian.

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Off you go, then.

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Dave! Dave! Over here!

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Poop! Poop!

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Mr Khan. Hello, Dave.

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What are you doing here? I'm here to
support our local community, Dave.

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You know me, I'm all for staying
in touch with our farming heritage.

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Salaam alaikum.

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So you're here to support
the City Farm organic initiative?

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That's right. Really?

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Of course not.
I'm here to meet Prince Charles.

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Why are you wearing a dress?

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This is what all royal family wear
when they visit the countryside.

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Prince Charles, Wills, Harry,
Duke of Edinberg -

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they all wear Scottish man dress.

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I don't want Prince Charles
to feel like he sticks out.

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Apart from his ears, obviously,

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but he can't do anything
about them, eh?

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Look, ladoo. Look at these.

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Aww, they're so sweet!

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Amjad's getting broody.

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He wants to start trying for
a baby as soon as we're married.

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Too much information!

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Look, there's a baby, and there's
another one, and there's a baby too!

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They're all babies!

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We've got a rare breed
breeding programme going on here.

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It's a really exciting project,
actually.

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Are you interested
in livestock at all? I am.

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In fact, we've got a
Dairy Shorthorn cow

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that's ready to calve any time now.

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If you stick around,
you might even see it happen!

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Random!

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Did you hear that, budhoo?
We might see a calf being born.

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I would love that.

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How about you? Will you be there?

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Of course. I'd love it too.

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In the meantime, perhaps we could
try and drum up some more business?

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Good idea, Brian!

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If it all goes well today, Mrs Khan,

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I might promote you to frozen foods.

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Thanks, Brian!

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Right, where he is? Let the
Pakistani dog see the royal rabbit.

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He's running a bit late.

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Maybe he had to stop
for a royal wee, huh?

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I just need to find out
who's in charge around here.

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WOMAN LAUGHS LIKE A HORSE

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That's her.

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How do you know that?

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We leaders have
natural authority, Riaz.

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I can see it a mile away.

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Plus, she's got that stupid, horsey
laugh, that all posh peoples do.

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Haw-haw-haw!

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So! Prince Charles civic reception,
here I come.

186
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Shouldn't you go
and say hello to Mrs Khan?

187
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Some of us are real men, Dave.

188
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You don't find us running around
after our wives all the time.

189
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Oh, hello, sweetie.

190
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I was just looking for you.
What are you doing here?

191
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He's here to meet Prince... Ahem!

192
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I've come to support you,
my darling.

193
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I thought you said you
were too busy? I was teasing!

194
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I was always planning on coming,

195
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I just wanted to surprise you!

196
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You found out about
Prince Charles, didn't you?

197
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No.

198
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Then why are you dressed like that?
Like what?

199
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Like a Pakistani Braveheart?

200
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I didn't want to
get my suit all muddy.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

202
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Hello, hello, hello.

203
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,323
You remember Brian, my boss.

204
00:10:38,323 --> 00:10:41,523
Salaam alaikum.
So, how are you getting on, Mrs K?

205
00:10:41,523 --> 00:10:42,683
Very well, Brian.

206
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:45,003
And how many people
have tried our taster cups?

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None.

208
00:10:46,243 --> 00:10:47,523
Oh.

209
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:50,483
Oh, well. Not to worry.
I'm sure we'll turn it round.

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00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,523
All hands to the pumps, eh?

211
00:10:52,523 --> 00:10:53,563
Yes, Brian.

212
00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:58,163
I don't know what to do,
I think I need some help.

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Maybe if there were two of you?

214
00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:01,763
Really, you mean that?

215
00:11:01,763 --> 00:11:04,163
Of course!
Go and ask Shazia.

216
00:11:06,723 --> 00:11:10,403
So, obviously we want to highlight
all the organic produce we have

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00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:14,163
here as well as talking about the
animal welfare side of things...

218
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Yes?
Salaam alaikum.

219
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Jolly good.

220
00:11:22,643 --> 00:11:24,083
I don't think we've met.

221
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Mr Khan. Community Leader.
They all know me.

222
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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT OBNOXIOUSLY

223
00:11:28,963 --> 00:11:30,723
I'm sorry? That's OK.

224
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,963
No, I mean I didn't catch your name.

225
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Khan. Khan.

226
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And how would one spell that?

227
00:11:36,603 --> 00:11:37,923
The same as two would.

228
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I'm afraid we're at cross purposes.

229
00:11:41,123 --> 00:11:43,923
That's because only one
of us is talking English.

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Me, Mr Khan.

231
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K, H for hat, A for Asian,
N for knowledge.

232
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Are you one of the Scottish Khans?

233
00:11:57,923 --> 00:11:59,243
No!

234
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Of course not.

235
00:12:00,643 --> 00:12:04,563
Don't worry, there's no
dodgy foreigners around here.

236
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I'm as English as apple pie.

237
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And chicken tikka masala.

238
00:12:10,243 --> 00:12:12,163
I see. Well, I'm Marina.

239
00:12:12,163 --> 00:12:13,483
Fairchild.

240
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I was dark child.

241
00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:19,923
I have two dark children.

242
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Lovely daughter, Alia.

243
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And other daughter. Also mine.

244
00:12:27,363 --> 00:12:29,643
So. You're the big boss, isn't it?

245
00:12:29,643 --> 00:12:31,963
I am the president
of the committee, yes.

246
00:12:31,963 --> 00:12:35,603
Great. So you can introduce me
to Prince Charles. What?

247
00:12:35,603 --> 00:12:37,843
Is he here yet?
I'm dying to meet him.

248
00:12:37,843 --> 00:12:40,443
Ah. Well, I'm afraid that's
not going to be possible.

249
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What! Why?

250
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:44,443
Oh, well, HRH is on
an extremely tight schedule,

251
00:12:44,443 --> 00:12:47,003
so he only has time to meet
a very select group.

252
00:12:47,003 --> 00:12:48,683
I am a very select group!

253
00:12:48,683 --> 00:12:51,723
How many Pakistanis have
you seen dressed like this?

254
00:12:53,763 --> 00:12:56,043
I know, I am sorry.

255
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:59,163
But, you know, do please stay
and cheer his arrival. What?

256
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,203
All right, Mr Khan?
Isn't this exciting!

257
00:13:05,203 --> 00:13:07,523
No, it's not, Dave. It's a disgrace.

258
00:13:07,523 --> 00:13:08,843
Oh. Why's that?

259
00:13:08,843 --> 00:13:10,163
Why do you think?

260
00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:12,643
You know, the only people that
get to meet Prince Charles

261
00:13:12,643 --> 00:13:15,043
are that lot over there?
I'm just as good as them.

262
00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:17,643
Just because I don't do
the silly, red-rummy laugh.

263
00:13:17,643 --> 00:13:20,523
Haw-haw-haw!

264
00:13:20,523 --> 00:13:23,563
Well, to be fair, Mr Khan,
they are the City Farm committee.

265
00:13:23,563 --> 00:13:26,283
What about him? He doesn't look
like he's on the committee.

266
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:29,323
He's the vet. The vet's very
important on the farm. Why?

267
00:13:29,323 --> 00:13:30,763
You got to look after the animals.

268
00:13:30,763 --> 00:13:35,323
Ha! How hard is that? Give them food.
Keep them clean. Don't let them kill
each other.

269
00:13:35,323 --> 00:13:37,363
It's the same as children.

270
00:13:37,363 --> 00:13:39,323
It's a bit more
complicated than that.

271
00:13:39,323 --> 00:13:42,443
There's all the different types
and they all have different needs.

272
00:13:42,443 --> 00:13:46,363
Rubbish. Animal is animal.
Look at this one...

273
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:48,483
Anyone can look after that.

274
00:13:48,483 --> 00:13:49,843
What the hell is it?

275
00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:53,323
They're ferrets, Mr Khan.

276
00:13:53,323 --> 00:13:55,603
Farmers used to use them
to catch rabbits.

277
00:13:55,603 --> 00:13:57,683
Yeah. And they kept them
down their trousers.

278
00:13:57,683 --> 00:14:00,643
What! Why? I think that's
how they like to be carried.

279
00:14:02,123 --> 00:14:03,643
I'm not sure that's right.

280
00:14:05,323 --> 00:14:06,763
What are you doing?

281
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,883
I don't think you should
take it out of it's cage.

282
00:14:08,883 --> 00:14:11,883
Relax, Dave, I'll put it
straight back.

283
00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:15,083
Please be careful, Mr Khan.
Ferrets have very sharp teeth.

284
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:18,163
He's fine. Aren't you?
Salaam alaikum.

285
00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:21,163
Hey, you want to hold him?
Say hello to Uncle Davey.

286
00:14:21,163 --> 00:14:23,123
No! Someone's coming.

287
00:14:24,243 --> 00:14:25,523
Quick, put it back!

288
00:14:25,523 --> 00:14:28,083
All right, all right,
keep your knickers on!

289
00:14:32,323 --> 00:14:33,563
Do something!

290
00:14:39,403 --> 00:14:40,763
Hello again.

291
00:14:42,683 --> 00:14:44,083
Is everything all right?

292
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,323
Yes, thank you.

293
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,603
It's great to see
so many people here, isn't it?

294
00:14:51,603 --> 00:14:54,203
Oh, yes. We're having
a wonderful time.

295
00:14:54,203 --> 00:14:55,563
Aren't we?

296
00:14:55,563 --> 00:14:56,923
Oh, yes.

297
00:14:58,043 --> 00:14:59,443
It's very fascinating.

298
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:03,563
Ah? Are you interested
in animal husbandry?

299
00:15:03,563 --> 00:15:05,123
Very much so.

300
00:15:06,683 --> 00:15:07,883
And what about you?

301
00:15:07,883 --> 00:15:09,163
Yes!

302
00:15:10,203 --> 00:15:14,163
About this animal husbandry...
Do the animals have big weddings?

303
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,243
Because maybe we can double up
with my daughter

304
00:15:16,243 --> 00:15:18,283
and share the costs
with a hippopotamus.

305
00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:19,643
Is your friend all right?

306
00:15:19,643 --> 00:15:22,523
He's fine. Don't worry about him.

307
00:15:22,523 --> 00:15:24,403
HE MOANS

308
00:15:26,483 --> 00:15:28,603
He's just, er, getting ready to pray.

309
00:15:28,603 --> 00:15:32,083
We're Muslims, you see.
We pray a lot.

310
00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,323
Ooooh, God!

311
00:15:34,323 --> 00:15:36,003
There you are.

312
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:39,963
I think it's biting him!

313
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,643
Is it biting you?

314
00:15:41,643 --> 00:15:43,043
Yes!

315
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,123
Can you shake it off?

316
00:15:46,123 --> 00:15:47,723
It won't let go.

317
00:15:47,723 --> 00:15:49,083
What's going on?

318
00:15:52,643 --> 00:15:54,723
He's put a ferret down his trousers.

319
00:15:54,723 --> 00:15:56,123
What?!

320
00:15:58,763 --> 00:16:01,323
Good heavens!
Hi! Hi!

321
00:16:01,323 --> 00:16:03,003
Oh, dear.

322
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,963
Is it bad? It's not good.

323
00:16:06,483 --> 00:16:08,523
Can't you just pull it off?

324
00:16:08,523 --> 00:16:12,283
Certainly not. They can be very
tenacious once they've latched on.

325
00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:14,083
Particularly when they're
frightened.

326
00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:15,723
I told you not to frighten it.

327
00:16:16,763 --> 00:16:19,763
Will, come over here
and take this man away.

328
00:16:19,763 --> 00:16:21,563
And give the ferret a sedative.

329
00:16:29,643 --> 00:16:33,443
We need to have everybody out of
here once the royal party arrive...

330
00:16:33,443 --> 00:16:35,483
MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

331
00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:36,803
Oh, it's you again.

332
00:16:36,803 --> 00:16:38,803
Hello. What do you want?

333
00:16:38,803 --> 00:16:40,843
So, the vet's gone?

334
00:16:40,843 --> 00:16:44,683
Yes. So you've got a spare place
on your reception party, huh?

335
00:16:44,683 --> 00:16:46,883
Ah. So where do I stand?

336
00:16:46,883 --> 00:16:50,163
Um, no, the thing is, Will was
going to be talking about our

337
00:16:50,163 --> 00:16:53,203
breeding programme,
organic techniques and so on...

338
00:16:53,203 --> 00:16:55,963
I can do that. Oh, you have
farming knowledge, do you?

339
00:16:55,963 --> 00:16:58,163
Oh, yes. I know all of it.

340
00:16:58,163 --> 00:17:00,963
The crops, the chickens,
the sheeps, the goats.

341
00:17:00,963 --> 00:17:02,763
But not the pigs, though!

342
00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:04,603
HE SCREECHES LIKE A PIG

343
00:17:05,643 --> 00:17:08,123
I see. But you're not
a veterinarian?

344
00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:11,483
You don't have any actual
qualifications from the RCVS?

345
00:17:11,483 --> 00:17:13,923
Oh, yes. I've got loads!

346
00:17:13,923 --> 00:17:15,603
RCVS, RSVP,

347
00:17:15,603 --> 00:17:16,843
R2D2.

348
00:17:18,843 --> 00:17:22,043
Now, look, Mr Khan, I'm sorry
but it's just not possible.

349
00:17:22,043 --> 00:17:27,003
Oh. So maybe you think you can't
have a brown organic vet farmer?

350
00:17:27,003 --> 00:17:28,883
No, I didn't say that...

351
00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:31,603
We Pakistanis invented
organic farming.

352
00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:33,243
It's all the dung, isn't it?

353
00:17:33,243 --> 00:17:34,923
Oh, no, no, I'm sure you're right.

354
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,723
There's loads of dung
in Pakistan.

355
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,523
Here some dung, there some dung,
everywhere some dung-dung.

356
00:17:41,523 --> 00:17:43,483
Well...all right, but...

357
00:17:43,483 --> 00:17:46,763
just stand at the back and don't
speak unless you're spoken to.

358
00:17:46,763 --> 00:17:49,123
Don't worry, I'll be all ears.

359
00:17:49,123 --> 00:17:52,163
Oh, oh, no - that'll
be Prince Charlie, won't it?

360
00:18:05,643 --> 00:18:07,243
OK, everyone, line up.

361
00:18:07,243 --> 00:18:10,403
Now, the royal party
are a few minutes away now,

362
00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:13,243
so I just want to run over the
procedure before they get here.

363
00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:14,963
We'll run over the procedure.

364
00:18:16,483 --> 00:18:19,163
Right. So, when the
royal car arrives,

365
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:22,243
I shall go out and greet
His Royal Highness.

366
00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:23,523
Go out and greet him.

367
00:18:24,963 --> 00:18:26,403
And you will all stay here.

368
00:18:26,403 --> 00:18:28,363
You stay here.

369
00:18:28,363 --> 00:18:30,203
All of you. Yes!

370
00:18:31,803 --> 00:18:35,963
After which, I will bring him in
and introduce him to the line-up.

371
00:18:35,963 --> 00:18:37,323
Introducing.

372
00:18:37,323 --> 00:18:41,003
And then I will give him
a short tour of the farm.

373
00:18:41,003 --> 00:18:42,123
Tour.

374
00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:47,203
Right. So, you need to be down here
at the end.

375
00:18:47,203 --> 00:18:48,883
What?!

376
00:18:48,883 --> 00:18:53,123
Now, when I come to introduce him,
the correct etiquette is as follows.

377
00:18:53,123 --> 00:18:56,843
You hold out your hand
and you wait for him to take it.

378
00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:59,043
Then it's a bow of the head
for the men

379
00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:02,643
and a little bob curtsey for
the women, nothing too extravagant!

380
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:04,963
And then I shall introduce you
and you will say,

381
00:19:04,963 --> 00:19:06,203
"Your Royal Highness."

382
00:19:06,203 --> 00:19:09,603
So, for instance,
here I am entering with HRH,

383
00:19:09,603 --> 00:19:12,523
we approach the line-up and
I will say,

384
00:19:12,523 --> 00:19:15,643
"Sir, may I introduce you to..."

385
00:19:15,643 --> 00:19:17,163
MRK.

386
00:19:18,443 --> 00:19:19,763
I beg your pardon?

387
00:19:19,763 --> 00:19:22,163
Well, he's HRH and I'm MRK.

388
00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:23,523
Mist-R Khan!

389
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:27,443
HE WHISPERS
Oh, my goodness!

390
00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:29,963
What? What is it? Is it
Prince Charles? No, it's Daisy.

391
00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:32,163
She's in labour.
Well, that's all right, then.

392
00:19:32,163 --> 00:19:34,163
We need Will.

393
00:19:34,163 --> 00:19:37,883
Oh! He's switched his phone off.
This is so inconvenient!

394
00:19:37,883 --> 00:19:41,083
What about HRH?
What time's he getting here?

395
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:44,283
Mr Khan. You can deliver
Daisy's baby.

396
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:47,563
What? Apparently it's stuck,
so you'll need to reach in

397
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:49,123
and pull it out.

398
00:19:49,123 --> 00:19:50,923
But I don't even know the woman!

399
00:19:53,123 --> 00:19:54,563
Daisy's a cow.

400
00:19:54,563 --> 00:19:56,043
Well, I'm not doing that either.

401
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:58,003
But you said you
knew all about animals.

402
00:19:58,003 --> 00:20:00,403
Is the cow halal? What?!

403
00:20:01,963 --> 00:20:04,963
I only deal with halal animals.

404
00:20:04,963 --> 00:20:06,763
I'm an expert in goats.

405
00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:10,203
Goats are Pakistani.
It's the beards, you see.

406
00:20:10,203 --> 00:20:13,123
But we need your help.
I'm sorry, Your Horsiness,

407
00:20:13,123 --> 00:20:16,443
but I'm not sticking my hand up
a cow's nonny-nonny for anybody!

408
00:20:17,603 --> 00:20:20,363
Oh, hello, sweetie! What's the
matter, is everything all right?

409
00:20:20,363 --> 00:20:23,603
Not really. I'm sorry, but you can't
be in here. You'll have to leave.

410
00:20:23,603 --> 00:20:25,003
Do you mind? This is my wife.

411
00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:27,123
Oh, no wonder she's upset.

412
00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:30,803
Come on, sweetie.
Tell me all about it.

413
00:20:30,803 --> 00:20:33,483
Only, be quick, cos I've got to
meet Prince Charles in a minute.

414
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:35,443
My stall didn't work out
like I hoped

415
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,963
and nobody was interested
in my taster cups.

416
00:20:37,963 --> 00:20:41,523
Oh, well. I'm afraid today's been
a bit of a disappointment.

417
00:20:41,523 --> 00:20:44,203
And then, to cap it all,
a ferret escaped and...

418
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:46,203
did its business
in the milk churn.

419
00:20:47,683 --> 00:20:49,363
Now it really is organic.

420
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:55,123
To be honest, I always thought that
sponsoring a cow was a bad idea.

421
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,683
And we've got no publicity
out of it at all.

422
00:20:57,683 --> 00:21:00,643
Now I'll be stuck on
shelf stacking duty for ever!

423
00:21:02,603 --> 00:21:05,563
Right, sweetie. I need you
to do something for me.

424
00:21:05,563 --> 00:21:07,163
What?

425
00:21:07,163 --> 00:21:09,083
Take your clothes off.

426
00:21:09,083 --> 00:21:12,563
What?! I'm going to show you
how much I love you.

427
00:21:16,723 --> 00:21:18,323
Now?

428
00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:20,803
Not all of them, just your apron.

429
00:21:20,803 --> 00:21:23,803
OK. Why? What are you going to do?

430
00:21:23,803 --> 00:21:26,443
I'm going to offer
the farming community

431
00:21:26,443 --> 00:21:28,803
the Pakistani hand of friendship!

432
00:21:31,563 --> 00:21:33,723
And tell Prince Charles I said,

433
00:21:33,723 --> 00:21:35,163
"Salaam alaikum!"

434
00:21:42,443 --> 00:21:43,843
Hello, sir.

435
00:21:43,843 --> 00:21:47,283
Hello, Amjad. What are you doing
here? We came to see the baby calf.

436
00:21:47,283 --> 00:21:50,683
And the tent got evacuated because
somebody let the ferrets out.

437
00:21:51,683 --> 00:21:55,883
Where's the vet? He's not here, but
Mr Khan is stepping into the breach,

438
00:21:55,883 --> 00:21:57,563
so to speak.

439
00:21:57,563 --> 00:21:58,643
What?

440
00:21:58,643 --> 00:22:00,923
He's something of
an expert with cows.

441
00:22:00,923 --> 00:22:02,163
OK...

442
00:22:03,443 --> 00:22:05,363
THE COW MOANS

443
00:22:08,683 --> 00:22:10,483
How is she? Fine.

444
00:22:10,483 --> 00:22:11,683
She's still a cow.

445
00:22:13,003 --> 00:22:15,323
And the calf? Yes,
that's still in there too.

446
00:22:15,323 --> 00:22:19,643
Oh, dear. So, do you think
you might need to... What?

447
00:22:19,643 --> 00:22:21,443
..give her a bit of help? Huh?!

448
00:22:21,443 --> 00:22:24,003
I mean, you must have had
to deal with this sort of thing

449
00:22:24,003 --> 00:22:25,483
back on your farm in Pakistan.

450
00:22:25,483 --> 00:22:26,963
Of course.

451
00:22:29,963 --> 00:22:31,443
Right.

452
00:22:31,443 --> 00:22:33,283
Thank goodness
your father's here.

453
00:22:33,283 --> 00:22:35,523
I'm not sure I'd know what to do.

454
00:22:35,523 --> 00:22:37,643
No. Me neither.

455
00:22:40,283 --> 00:22:42,923
Oh gosh, HRH is here! What?!

456
00:22:42,923 --> 00:22:44,843
I really have to go and greet him.

457
00:22:44,843 --> 00:22:48,283
Look, you carry on, and I'll come
back once the royal party have left.

458
00:22:48,283 --> 00:22:49,603
You can't!

459
00:22:49,603 --> 00:22:53,643
Dad! This is mum's last chance
to impress Brian.

460
00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:01,323
Right. Amjad,
I'm going to need a hand.

461
00:23:01,323 --> 00:23:02,923
Oh, no, sir.
Please, don't make me...

462
00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:04,683
Just get her tail
out the way, you idiot.

463
00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:06,523
Oh, OK.

464
00:23:06,523 --> 00:23:08,683
THE COW SCREECHES

465
00:23:08,683 --> 00:23:10,523
It's very dark.

466
00:23:15,563 --> 00:23:17,563
Oh!

467
00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:19,123
Here it goes...

468
00:23:20,363 --> 00:23:22,523
THE COW GROANS

469
00:23:22,523 --> 00:23:24,603
Oh!

470
00:23:24,603 --> 00:23:26,163
Does it feel OK?

471
00:23:26,163 --> 00:23:28,323
Not really.

472
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,923
Is she having contractions?

473
00:23:29,923 --> 00:23:32,483
I don't think so-ohhhhh!

474
00:23:32,483 --> 00:23:34,203
I think she's having one, sir!

475
00:23:34,203 --> 00:23:35,563
Yes, thank you, Amjad!

476
00:23:36,723 --> 00:23:38,763
Owww!

477
00:23:40,523 --> 00:23:41,843
GROANS

478
00:23:41,843 --> 00:23:44,603
Uh, I think we should give
Daisy some privacy.

479
00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:48,843
Right!

480
00:23:48,843 --> 00:23:50,643
THE COW GROANS LOUDLY

481
00:23:59,523 --> 00:24:00,803
Amjad!

482
00:24:00,803 --> 00:24:02,163
What's happened?

483
00:24:02,163 --> 00:24:05,443
The calf's foot got stuck and
Mr Khan had to try to get it free.

484
00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:07,963
It was so hard.
I'm not sure we did it right.

485
00:24:07,963 --> 00:24:10,243
Oh, no... But it's all over now.

486
00:24:10,243 --> 00:24:11,923
BOTH: Oh, my God!

487
00:24:15,283 --> 00:24:16,923
You did it!

488
00:24:16,923 --> 00:24:18,803
I got the calf, sweetie!

489
00:24:18,803 --> 00:24:20,403
What about Daisy?

490
00:24:20,403 --> 00:24:22,043
She's fine.

491
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:23,603
Oh, well done!

492
00:24:33,563 --> 00:24:37,763
Well done! Yes, well done, indeed!

493
00:24:37,763 --> 00:24:39,363
And well done, Mrs Khan.

494
00:24:39,363 --> 00:24:40,963
I knew it was a good idea!

495
00:24:40,963 --> 00:24:43,523
And well done, budhoo.
He held the tail!

496
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:45,763
We'll have a baby one day.

497
00:24:45,763 --> 00:24:47,563
But it won't look like that.

498
00:24:49,083 --> 00:24:50,363
Hi.

499
00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:51,803
Where have you been?

500
00:24:53,203 --> 00:24:55,443
Thanks for that.
It's a big relief.

501
00:24:58,603 --> 00:25:00,483
You were amazing, Dad.

502
00:25:00,483 --> 00:25:03,923
Uh! You should probably
get cleaned up!

503
00:25:03,923 --> 00:25:06,603
And I'm sorry you didn't
get to meet Prince Charles.

504
00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:08,043
That's OK.

505
00:25:10,923 --> 00:25:13,683
Your Royal Highness, here he is,

506
00:25:13,683 --> 00:25:16,323
the hero of the hour!

507
00:25:18,283 --> 00:25:22,523
Sir, may I present Mr Khan,
community leader

508
00:25:22,523 --> 00:25:24,243
and deliverer of calves!

509
00:25:28,603 --> 00:25:31,603
PRINCE CHARLES SPEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY

510
00:25:32,883 --> 00:25:36,723
Definitely, your Royal Princeness.

511
00:25:36,723 --> 00:25:38,643
MR KHAN SCREECHES EXCITEDLY

512
00:25:40,843 --> 00:25:42,403
Lovely. Shall we?

513
00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:47,363
What did he say?

514
00:25:47,363 --> 00:25:50,403
I've absolutely no idea.

515
00:25:50,403 --> 00:25:52,163
But I'll tell you one thing,

516
00:25:52,163 --> 00:25:54,723
I'm never washing this hand again!

517
00:26:03,923 --> 00:26:06,803
Oh, you look nice, my darling.

518
00:26:06,803 --> 00:26:10,203
Thank you. And thank you
for helping me with my job.

519
00:26:10,203 --> 00:26:12,083
That's OK.

520
00:26:12,083 --> 00:26:15,323
You're my wife and
I'll always support you.

521
00:26:15,323 --> 00:26:18,123
Just promise me
you won't sponsor any elephants.

522
00:26:20,763 --> 00:26:23,323
Brian was thrilled
with all the publicity.

523
00:26:23,323 --> 00:26:25,243
He said he might consider me

524
00:26:25,243 --> 00:26:28,683
for a junior trainee
assistant manager job.

525
00:26:28,683 --> 00:26:29,963
Next year.

526
00:26:31,243 --> 00:26:32,963
You deserve it.

527
00:26:32,963 --> 00:26:35,363
I can't believe we're going
to the civic reception.

528
00:26:35,363 --> 00:26:37,003
Have you got the invitation?

529
00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:39,603
They're going to call me and tell me
where we need to pick it up.

530
00:26:41,083 --> 00:26:42,443
Hang on.

531
00:26:42,443 --> 00:26:43,843
Where's my phone?

532
00:26:45,283 --> 00:26:46,643
When did you last see it?

533
00:26:48,323 --> 00:26:50,443
When I was in the barn
with Daisy....

534
00:26:52,203 --> 00:26:54,083
Oh, twaddi!

535
00:26:55,443 --> 00:26:58,083
MOBILE RINGS

536
00:26:58,083 --> 00:27:00,123
DAISY MOOS