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MR KHAN: Welcome to Sparkhill,
Birmingham,

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the capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me.
Do you like my suit?

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Number one. Citizen Khan.

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So, what do you think?

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It's quite expensive.

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Amjad, I'm collecting a VIP
from the airport today.

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I need to make a good impression.
Who is it?

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An imam. Returning from missionary
work in the Middle East.

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He's also a renowned scholar,

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so it's a great honour
to bring him to the mosque.

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Via my house.
HAWKS NOISILY

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Anyway, they do police vehicles
for free, so why don't you pop in
the shop,

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tell them who you are,
and Mohammed's your uncle!

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I don't think I can do that, sir.
Amjad? I can't be party to this.

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Amjad!

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Amjad!

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BEEPS

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MR KHAN HUMS, COIN DROPS

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WHIRRING

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Oh, twadi!

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MR KHAN WHIMPERS

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Mind my hat! My hat!

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Sweetie, I still got some wax in my
ears, can you do them for me?

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Ooh... That's really wedged in there,
isn't it?

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Mmm...

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Ah! Got it!

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That is gross.

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What do you mean, gross?

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HAWKS NOISILY

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She's cleaning your ears out?

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Well, someone's got to do it.

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Now, don't drip on anything else.

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And if you want to cut your toenails,
use a plastic bag. All right.

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Is this your idea of a good time?

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We've had worse.

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Don't you want to go out for dinner,

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or go to a party or something?

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Sometimes.

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Oh, you mean with your mother?

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You never go out together.

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Rubbish. We went out last weekend.

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Where to? Cash and carry.

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We bought 12 catering-sized tins
of chopped tomatoes!

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It's different for me and Amjad.
It's like we complete each other.

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If I watch a sunset,
or hear a beautiful piece of music,

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it means nothing unless Amjad's
there to share it with me.

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You're never romantic like that
with Mum.

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Shazia, every marriage
has its own kind of romance.

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For some people it's music
and sunsets, and for others,

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it's nail clippings and cleaning
your husband's lugholes.

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That's really sweet, Papaji.

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What do you think of my outfit?
Good, eh!

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And Debbie said I have to wear these
as well. Isn't it brilliant?

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Hilarious.

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Shazia, you can't be dressed like
that, the imam's coming.

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Don't worry, I'm not hanging
round here.

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I'm going out tonight.

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I'm having a hen do.

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What?!

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Shazia, what is this madness?

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What do you mean?
It's just a hen do.

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Promise me you won't go through
with it. I forbid you!

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You've got to have a hen do
before you get married.

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But why does it have to be Hindu?

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Couldn't you make do with
a nice Catholic boy?

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Or even a Jew?

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They're almost the same as us.

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It's a hen do, Dad!

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It's just me and my girlfriends
on a night out.

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Nothing to do with Hindus!

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Oh, thank God!

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What did you think it was?

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I don't know. But just make sure
you behave yourself.

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Because I'll know if you don't.

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I'm your father and nothing gets
past me.

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Papaji, there's a 24-hour
prayerathon at the mosque.

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Will you sponsor me?

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Of course, sweetie.

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Aw!

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Me and Debbie are going to a
nail salon,

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and then we're going to
a really nice restaurant where we're
meeting the rest of my mates.

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Shazia, this isn't a very becoming
outfit for respectable Pakistani
woman.

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You wouldn't catch your mother
dressing like that.

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Ta-da!

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Oh, God, not you as well!

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I'm so excited about tonight.

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We are going to have such a
good time!

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We?

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Now, you know I'm out tonight, don't
you?

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But I've done you a chicken curry
and Mr Khan will be here
to look after you.

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Ha! Why you leave me alone
with that idiot?

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Mum?

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Haan, beti.
What's going on?

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Oh, I'm just trying to get everything
ready for tonight.

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So it's you, me, Alia, Debbie
obviously. Who else is coming?

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Mum, I don't think this is right.

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What?
You coming out with us.

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On my hen do.

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Oh.

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Oh, you mean because
I'd be leaving Naanijaan?

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Yes. Exactly.

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It's not right.

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No, I suppose it isn't.

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Naanijaan?
Haan.

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How would you like to come
on Shazia's hen do?

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BOTH: Eh?

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We can all go out together.
What do you think?

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Haan!

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Great! Isn't that great?!

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Yeah! Great!

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Better be a strippagram!

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Ah.

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I mean, I know it's not ideal, having
your mother with you on a hen do,

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but I'll do my best to deal with it.

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Why don't you go and find her a
tutu? OK.

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I'll phone Debbie and let her know.

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Hi, is anyone home?

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Hi, Amjad! In here!

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Oh!

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Sorry, Mrs Khan! I didn't mean to!

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What is it?

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I think I accidentally saw your
underwear!

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Oh, no, no, no.
You didn't see my underwear.

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Oh.
You saw my tutu.

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Oh, my God!

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So, when the imam arrives,
we welcome him into the house...

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Take a picture, it lasts longer.

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Why are we bringing him here?

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Because last year he took someone
from the mosque back with him

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to do missionary work, all expenses
paid.

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You're going to do missionary work?

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No, I'm getting off in Dubai

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and spending two weeks by the pool
at the five-star Burj Khalifa.

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Top up my tan, isn't it!

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I thought I might be the one
to go to Dubai.

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I am the mosque manager.

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You lot need to stay out of the sun,
Dave.

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I think we should let the imam
decide.

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Fine, we'll let the imam decide.

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I'm sure he'll be entirely
impartial.

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Once I've given him my present.

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You've got him a present?
What is it?

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It's a secret.
The imam's going to love it!

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Hello, boys!

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That's not it.

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Do you like my tutu?

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That's the name of her dress.

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What's Officer Dibble doing here?

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I've come for my stag do.

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That should be a laugh.

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What bunch of losers
are taking him out on a stag do?

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You are.

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What?

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I promised Amjad.

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I'm taking Shazia on a hen night,

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so I think it's only right
that you should give Amjad a stag do.

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Stag do? Have you seen The Hangover,
sweetie? We're Muslims!

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Let me tell you, in the Muslim
version of The Hangover

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there's no drinking, no forgetting,
everyone home by 8.30.

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But this could be your chance
to really bond with Amjad.

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He is going to be your son-in-law,
after all.

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Don't remind me.

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Don't you remember the relationship
you had with my father?

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He could never warm to you.

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True. But he did eventually stop
throwing stones at me.

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You know how hard that was for me.

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What about me!

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He was a blooming good shot.

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Right, so you'll do it.

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But I've got to pick up the imam.

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No. This is more important
than picking up the imam.

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But, sweetie...

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Fine.

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MRS KHAN CLEARS HER THROAT

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And no rowdy stuff! I don't want him
looking stupid in public!

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It's a bit late to start worrying
about that.

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# We bring the women and the cars
and the cards out

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# Let's have a toast, a celebration
get a glass out

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# And we can do this until we pass
out

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# So let it rain

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# Let it pour away

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# We won't come down... #

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Here we go...

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Cola for you.
Thanks.

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Ginger beer for you.

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Thank you.

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And lemonade for you.

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I asked for Fanta orange.

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They only had one left.

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CAN FIZZES

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So, Amjad. Pretty cool, huh?
Just the boys, out cruising.

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So, what's the plan, Mr Khan? Are we
going to be painting the town red?

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Well, I got a few special treats
lined up.

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But first, it's a trip to the
airport!

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Whoo-hoo!

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Where are we going?
Are we going to Euro Disney?

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That would be awesome.

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No, it's better than that.
We're going to pick up the imam!

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Whoo-hoo!

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OK, so, snog, marry, avoid.

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You go first, Naani.

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Ready?
Haan.

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George Clooney...

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Snog!

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Wait, you have to hear
all the options first.

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No need. Just leave me with Georgie!

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Kill me now.

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So, are you looking forward
to your big day?

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Yeah.
It's going to be great, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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You're going to be married!
Yeah.

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Soon you won't be Shazia any more,
you'll be Mrs Malik!

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What?

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00:10:26,643 --> 00:10:27,963
Or will Amjad be Mr Khan?

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Amjad's not going to turn into my
dad!

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Epic, you're going to be married
to Am-dad!

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No, I didn't mean....

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Just because we're getting married,

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it doesn't mean
we'll turn into different people!

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Married couples don't have to be
unromantic!

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No, beti, of course not!

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How long have you been married,
Mrs Khan?

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25 years.

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And I bet you and Mr Khan have had
some wonderful times together,
haven't you?

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Ah, beti, we've had some wonderful
times.

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But not together!

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Me and my husband, we were
blissfully happy for 20 years.

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Then we met!

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I never knew what happiness was
until I was married.

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ALL: Aw!

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Then it was too late!

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Oh! Come on, lighten up,
it's your hen do.

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Right.

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And they're just kidding.
Marriage isn't really like that.

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I suppose.

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It's an amazing thing. You and Amjad
are going to be really happy
together.

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Are you and Matt ever going
to get married?

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God, no! I don't want to ruin it!

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Naani said she would marry
Ginger Dave!

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I haven't had this much fun in
25 years!

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LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

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00:12:02,523 --> 00:12:04,923
Please, Imam, sir.

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00:12:04,923 --> 00:12:07,483
Welcome to my humble abode.

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00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:09,843
Please, take my chair.

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00:12:09,843 --> 00:12:12,083
Glad to be back in Sparkhill?

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00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:13,803
All right, Dave.
Don't suck up to him!

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00:12:13,803 --> 00:12:17,763
So, I understand you might
be taking someone from the mosque

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00:12:17,763 --> 00:12:19,403
back with you to do missionary work.

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Will there be classes
to study religious texts?

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Oh, yes, I love the classes.

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00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:28,243
Will you be holding them at
a mosque, or at the loungers by
the pool?

253
00:12:28,243 --> 00:12:29,603
I don't know.

254
00:12:29,603 --> 00:12:33,363
I always find I study best
at a waterslide park.

255
00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:36,323
Perhaps the imam would like a drink?

256
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,483
All right, Dave,
I was about to ask him that.

257
00:12:39,723 --> 00:12:41,203
Perhaps the imam would like a drink?

258
00:12:41,203 --> 00:12:43,723
I'll have tea.
Tea! Great!

259
00:12:43,723 --> 00:12:45,483
Dave, why don't you make the imam
some tea?

260
00:12:45,483 --> 00:12:48,363
Me? But I'm the mosque manager.

261
00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:51,443
Then see if you can "manage"
to make some tea.

262
00:12:54,443 --> 00:12:57,123
Oh, I almost forgot.

263
00:12:58,763 --> 00:13:00,363
Salman I like him, Mr Khan.

264
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,683
Keith from next door.

265
00:13:02,683 --> 00:13:04,043
Not Muslim.

266
00:13:04,043 --> 00:13:09,683
I would be honoured, Imam, sir, if
you would accept this special gift
from me....

267
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,203
..to you.

268
00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:14,323
Is that a prayer mat?

269
00:13:14,323 --> 00:13:17,683
It's not just any prayer mat.
I had Keith make it especially.

270
00:13:17,683 --> 00:13:20,403
I've been up all night
tinkering in my shed.

271
00:13:20,403 --> 00:13:22,603
All right, all right.
It's not about you.

272
00:13:23,643 --> 00:13:25,363
What's so special about this
prayer mat?

273
00:13:25,363 --> 00:13:28,243
Well, I'm glad you asked, Dave.

274
00:13:28,243 --> 00:13:29,563
Imagine the scene.

275
00:13:30,763 --> 00:13:31,883
It's prayer time.

276
00:13:31,883 --> 00:13:34,043
And you've done your ablutions

277
00:13:34,043 --> 00:13:36,283
and you're all ready to go.

278
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,083
But wait a minute,
what's that I hear you say?

279
00:13:40,283 --> 00:13:41,803
"I'm facing the wrong way!"

280
00:13:41,803 --> 00:13:45,363
You see, the problem
with normal prayer mats,

281
00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:48,603
is that you have to keep on
manually turning them around.

282
00:13:48,603 --> 00:13:50,043
But not any more!

283
00:13:50,043 --> 00:13:51,163
CLICK

284
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:54,763
With Mr Khan's
Automatic Turning Prayer Mat,

285
00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:58,563
in no time at all, you'll find
that you're facing the right way.

286
00:13:58,563 --> 00:14:00,123
Towards Mecca.

287
00:14:00,123 --> 00:14:01,163
WHIRRING

288
00:14:01,163 --> 00:14:02,683
That's more like Redditch now.

289
00:14:02,683 --> 00:14:05,003
Stop it now, Keith!
Milford Haven.

290
00:14:05,003 --> 00:14:06,403
Penzance.

291
00:14:06,403 --> 00:14:10,203
Great Yarmouth.
All right, Keith! Stop it now!

292
00:14:10,203 --> 00:14:12,563
Stop it now, please, Keith!
Stop it!

293
00:14:12,563 --> 00:14:14,003
Oh, will you stop it?!

294
00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:15,243
WHIRRING GETS LOUDER

295
00:14:16,283 --> 00:14:17,323
Stop it!

296
00:14:19,163 --> 00:14:21,163
Oh, look out!

297
00:14:21,163 --> 00:14:22,923
CLATTERING, THUD

298
00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:32,883
It could also work as
a new ride at Alton Towers!

299
00:14:32,883 --> 00:14:34,203
Get more Pakistanis in.

300
00:14:35,323 --> 00:14:37,883
Is this still part of my stag do?

301
00:14:37,883 --> 00:14:39,243
Amjad, shush!

302
00:14:39,243 --> 00:14:42,163
We can't talk about a stag do
in front of the imam!

303
00:14:42,163 --> 00:14:44,563
He's not going to take me with him
to Dubai

304
00:14:44,563 --> 00:14:46,643
if he thinks I've brought him
on a stag do, is he?

305
00:14:47,963 --> 00:14:50,683
Well, what should I talk to him
about, then?

306
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,283
I don't know.

307
00:14:52,283 --> 00:14:54,723
Why don't you start
by showing him your truncheon?

308
00:14:59,323 --> 00:15:01,723
This is a disaster.
What's wrong with the imam?

309
00:15:01,723 --> 00:15:03,883
Yeah, he does seem a bit...grumpy.

310
00:15:03,883 --> 00:15:06,483
What have you done to upset him?
I haven't done anything!

311
00:15:06,483 --> 00:15:10,043
Well, something's going on.
He didn't even like my automatic
prayer mat.

312
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,843
Yes, that is odd....

313
00:15:12,843 --> 00:15:14,683
Well, I need to keep him sweet.

314
00:15:14,683 --> 00:15:18,043
Nothing's stopping me
from getting wet and wild in Dubai.

315
00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:20,843
What is the meaning of this?

316
00:15:20,843 --> 00:15:23,683
This boy tells me
he's supposed to be on his stag do

317
00:15:23,683 --> 00:15:24,923
right here and now.

318
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:26,643
Amjad! Sorry, sir.

319
00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:27,963
Is this true?

320
00:15:27,963 --> 00:15:30,563
Well, you see, the thing is...

321
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,043
I love a stag do!

322
00:15:34,483 --> 00:15:35,523
You do?

323
00:15:35,523 --> 00:15:36,843
Of course.

324
00:15:36,843 --> 00:15:41,723
Wow, I thought you guys
were a right bunch of wet blankets.

325
00:15:42,723 --> 00:15:46,123
But now I find you're in the middle
of a stag do the whole time!

326
00:15:46,123 --> 00:15:47,163
Yes. Funny, that, eh?

327
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:49,083
You're a pretty cool guy, Khan.

328
00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:50,803
Well, you know...

329
00:15:52,443 --> 00:15:54,523
I'm a cool guy.

330
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:56,363
So, what you got lined up?

331
00:15:56,363 --> 00:15:58,603
You got to humiliate the stag,
right?

332
00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:00,643
Exactly. What?

333
00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:02,483
Do something really hilarious,

334
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:05,963
like, er, handcuff him to a lamppost
in his underpants!

335
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:09,363
Or shaving off his eyebrows
and rubbing toothpaste on his....

336
00:16:09,363 --> 00:16:12,483
No, we don't want to be doing
anything like that.

337
00:16:12,483 --> 00:16:14,763
Who asked you, Ginger Nuts?

338
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,163
Yeah, Dave. Keep out of this.

339
00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:19,923
This is Pakistani man stuff!

340
00:16:21,323 --> 00:16:23,043
Too right, Khanny baby.

341
00:16:24,563 --> 00:16:25,963
So, what do you reckon?

342
00:16:25,963 --> 00:16:28,243
What are we going to do to the
victim?

343
00:16:28,243 --> 00:16:29,403
Leave it with me.

344
00:16:29,403 --> 00:16:31,843
Oh, brilliant!

345
00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:35,403
But...but Mrs Khan said...

346
00:16:35,403 --> 00:16:37,963
Mrs Khan says a lot of things.

347
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,803
But what you've got to remember is
I won't be able to hear them

348
00:16:40,803 --> 00:16:44,883
when I'm sat sipping a virgin pina
colada on Jumeirah bloomin' Beach!

349
00:16:50,683 --> 00:16:53,403
Men, eh? They're all the same.

350
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:56,083
Before you're married,
they're all kind and thoughtful

351
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:58,283
and it's all wine and roses.

352
00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,403
Then, as soon you've a ring on
your finger, you're in the kitchen
making tea

353
00:17:01,403 --> 00:17:04,003
and they're on the sofa in their
pants watching Match Of The Day.

354
00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:06,963
My husband was useless.

355
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:11,563
Forgot my birthday for 50 years!
ALL: Aw!

356
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:14,963
Oh, that's awful.
No-one has that bad a memory.

357
00:17:15,963 --> 00:17:17,283
Who are you?

358
00:17:18,283 --> 00:17:20,723
But Dad didn't change
when you got married, did he?

359
00:17:20,723 --> 00:17:21,963
Of course he did.

360
00:17:21,963 --> 00:17:24,363
What? He's always been
the same, hasn't he?

361
00:17:24,363 --> 00:17:28,083
Same suit and hat, same car,
same beard...

362
00:17:28,083 --> 00:17:31,003
It's not like he suddenly changed
the day you got married.

363
00:17:31,003 --> 00:17:34,323
Your father was a very stylish
dresser when I met him.

364
00:17:34,323 --> 00:17:35,363
No way!

365
00:17:35,363 --> 00:17:38,323
He wore very fashionable clothes -
platform heels...

366
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:39,363
Brilliant!

367
00:17:39,363 --> 00:17:41,163
..open shirts with big collars...

368
00:17:41,163 --> 00:17:42,443
Classic!

369
00:17:42,443 --> 00:17:45,883
..and tight leather trousers
that left nothing to the imagination.

370
00:17:45,883 --> 00:17:48,323
Oh, no!

371
00:17:48,323 --> 00:17:49,843
What happened to him?

372
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:52,723
As soon as we were married,
he started dressing differently -

373
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:56,643
bought his first suit, swapped the
platform heels for a pair of slippers

374
00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:59,163
and locked the leather trousers away
for ever.

375
00:18:00,643 --> 00:18:03,483
Don't worry, though. It's not like
that's going to happen to you.

376
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:06,203
I need to see Amjad!

377
00:18:06,203 --> 00:18:09,003
You know where you'll find him.
He'll be sat in front of Gary
Lineker

378
00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:10,923
scratching his down belows.

379
00:18:12,323 --> 00:18:13,643
Shazia!

380
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,523
What are they doing up there?
I hope Amjad's all right.

381
00:18:20,523 --> 00:18:24,243
Lighten up, Dave.
You converts are so boring.

382
00:18:24,243 --> 00:18:26,443
Islam is all about fun, fun, fun.

383
00:18:28,923 --> 00:18:30,003
Ta-daaa!

384
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:32,323
What do you think?

385
00:18:32,323 --> 00:18:34,123
Brilliant!

386
00:18:34,123 --> 00:18:36,203
Now we're having a real stag do.

387
00:18:36,203 --> 00:18:38,283
Exactly. I love it!

388
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,523
Are you all right, Amjad?

389
00:18:39,523 --> 00:18:40,843
He's fine.

390
00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:42,203
Aren't you?

391
00:18:42,203 --> 00:18:43,923
I'm a little bit chilly.

392
00:18:45,283 --> 00:18:47,643
Don't be such a baby!

393
00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:49,563
Let's gunk him.

394
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:52,323
What?
Pour a load of gunk all over him.

395
00:18:52,323 --> 00:18:54,123
I think we may be out of gunk.

396
00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:55,243
This will do.

397
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,523
Er, are you sure? They are £2.99.

398
00:18:59,523 --> 00:19:01,763
Oh, no...

399
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,363
That is hilarious!

400
00:19:14,203 --> 00:19:17,083
I'm not having a very nice time,
sir.

401
00:19:17,083 --> 00:19:21,483
Right, let's do another tub
and take him down to Broad Street!

402
00:19:21,483 --> 00:19:24,603
Sir, I can't go out like this.

403
00:19:26,323 --> 00:19:28,323
Stop! That's enough.

404
00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:30,883
What? They're only £2.99.

405
00:19:30,883 --> 00:19:33,283
It's not about the tomatoes.

406
00:19:33,283 --> 00:19:36,083
He's going to be my son-in-law,
and I need to look after him.

407
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:39,003
What about Dubai?
I don't care about that.

408
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,443
Dave can do the missionary position
with you.

409
00:19:41,443 --> 00:19:43,523
No, you're all right.

410
00:19:43,523 --> 00:19:46,203
Stuff that. Let's have a drink!

411
00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:47,403
I'll make some more tea.

412
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,803
No, I mean a proper drink.

413
00:19:49,803 --> 00:19:51,963
You know, a drop of the hard stuff.

414
00:19:51,963 --> 00:19:53,923
Jungle juice!

415
00:19:53,923 --> 00:19:55,523
Um Bongo?

416
00:19:56,683 --> 00:19:58,003
Booze!

417
00:19:59,003 --> 00:20:00,843
What? But you're an imam!

418
00:20:00,843 --> 00:20:02,603
Nope. Gave it up.

419
00:20:02,603 --> 00:20:04,243
But you're still a Muslim.

420
00:20:04,243 --> 00:20:05,803
Not any more.

421
00:20:05,803 --> 00:20:07,843
I've had six months in Dubai.

422
00:20:07,843 --> 00:20:09,843
Man, that place is...

423
00:20:09,843 --> 00:20:12,163
wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ld!

424
00:20:12,163 --> 00:20:14,363
Oh, twadi!

425
00:20:14,363 --> 00:20:16,363
Come on, you.

426
00:20:16,363 --> 00:20:18,923
- Help me, sir.
- Come on!

427
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:29,123
You saved me!

428
00:20:29,123 --> 00:20:30,883
By the power of prayer mat.

429
00:20:30,883 --> 00:20:33,083
Thank you. Thank you so much.

430
00:20:33,083 --> 00:20:35,603
It's all right, there's no need for
that.

431
00:20:35,603 --> 00:20:37,563
PHONE BEEPS

432
00:20:40,443 --> 00:20:43,403
Oh, twadi!
The women are on their way home.

433
00:20:43,403 --> 00:20:44,803
Someone get him out of here.

434
00:20:44,803 --> 00:20:48,443
I could take him round to mine
and give him a slurp of my Fruity
Tipple.

435
00:20:48,443 --> 00:20:50,523
There's no need to go that far.

436
00:20:50,523 --> 00:20:54,323
No, that's my home brew,
Keith's Fruity Tipple.

437
00:20:54,323 --> 00:20:55,603
Oh, right.

438
00:20:57,203 --> 00:21:00,203
And you two, get Amjad upstairs
and change his nappy.

439
00:21:00,203 --> 00:21:01,963
What?
Just get him cleaned up

440
00:21:01,963 --> 00:21:04,003
before Mrs Khan arrives!

441
00:21:07,243 --> 00:21:08,723
Amjad?

442
00:21:08,723 --> 00:21:11,083
Where's Amjad? I need to speak to
him now.

443
00:21:13,283 --> 00:21:14,923
In a minute.

444
00:21:14,923 --> 00:21:17,163
What have you done?
Nothing.

445
00:21:17,163 --> 00:21:18,523
HAWKS NOISILY

446
00:21:18,523 --> 00:21:20,203
Did you look after him, like I said?

447
00:21:20,203 --> 00:21:21,803
Would I ever let you down?

448
00:21:21,803 --> 00:21:25,323
I've looked after him,
I've bonded with him,

449
00:21:25,323 --> 00:21:27,363
and, like any good father-in-law,

450
00:21:27,363 --> 00:21:30,043
I've taught him everything I know
about being a good husband.

451
00:21:30,043 --> 00:21:32,043
Oh, no!

452
00:21:35,083 --> 00:21:37,643
Here he is! Look!

453
00:21:38,723 --> 00:21:40,043
Hello, ladhoo.

454
00:21:41,443 --> 00:21:44,083
Can you help me
get this stuff out of my ears?

455
00:21:48,883 --> 00:21:51,963
I think there's some in my throat
as well.

456
00:21:51,963 --> 00:21:53,483
HAWKS NOISILY

457
00:21:58,963 --> 00:22:00,323
Oh, my God!

458
00:22:00,323 --> 00:22:02,283
He's turned into you!

459
00:22:03,443 --> 00:22:04,883
The wedding's off.

460
00:22:06,003 --> 00:22:08,043
Shazia!

461
00:22:09,043 --> 00:22:11,563
I told you to look after him!

462
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:15,203
But, sweetie, it's not my fault
the imam turned out to be

463
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:17,443
the Pakistani Lindsay Lohan!

464
00:22:20,083 --> 00:22:21,403
Salaam alaikum, ladies!

465
00:22:21,403 --> 00:22:24,003
Oh, hello, Dave.

466
00:22:27,843 --> 00:22:29,203
The Malik wedding.

467
00:22:29,203 --> 00:22:31,523
That's right. Is it too late to
cancel?

468
00:22:32,523 --> 00:22:35,243
Ladhoo, what are you doing?
I'm cancelling the wedding.

469
00:22:35,243 --> 00:22:36,363
Oh, my God!

470
00:22:36,363 --> 00:22:37,563
I'll handle this.

471
00:22:37,563 --> 00:22:41,203
Shazia, don't be silly.
You can't cancel the wedding.

472
00:22:41,203 --> 00:22:43,163
I've already paid for the catering!

473
00:22:44,123 --> 00:22:45,723
They said they'd give us a refund.

474
00:22:45,723 --> 00:22:47,963
Oh. Well, that's all right, then.

475
00:22:49,963 --> 00:22:53,483
But, ladhoo, I love you, and you
love me.

476
00:22:53,483 --> 00:22:56,163
I know. And that's why
I don't want to get married.

477
00:22:56,163 --> 00:22:58,603
What?
If we get married,

478
00:22:58,603 --> 00:23:02,123
it will kill all the romance.
I don't want to lose that, budhoo.

479
00:23:02,123 --> 00:23:07,203
But, ladhoo, that won't happen to
us. I'll always be romantic.

480
00:23:08,603 --> 00:23:10,243
HAWKS NOISILY

481
00:23:10,243 --> 00:23:11,683
There you are, you see?

482
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,523
But you said when you get married
you lose all the romance as well.

483
00:23:14,523 --> 00:23:16,963
Did I?
Yeah. You all did.

484
00:23:16,963 --> 00:23:18,803
At the nail salon.
Oh.

485
00:23:22,163 --> 00:23:24,003
Do something!

486
00:23:25,443 --> 00:23:30,803
Shazia, sweetie,
the thing about marriage is, it's...

487
00:23:30,803 --> 00:23:32,603
it's a bit like...

488
00:23:32,603 --> 00:23:35,283
the cricket pitch you get at
a Test match.

489
00:23:35,283 --> 00:23:38,923
At first it's all firm and bouncy...

490
00:23:40,203 --> 00:23:42,563
..and things are moving about
all over the place.

491
00:23:43,563 --> 00:23:45,323
And then, after a few sessions,

492
00:23:45,323 --> 00:23:47,563
a few cracks start to appear.

493
00:23:47,563 --> 00:23:49,523
And then, on the fifth day,

494
00:23:49,523 --> 00:23:53,043
it's as flat as a pancake
and nothing's happening at all.

495
00:23:54,043 --> 00:23:57,203
That's usually when we Pakistanis
resort to ball tampering.

496
00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:04,523
What?

497
00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:07,603
Shazia...

498
00:24:07,603 --> 00:24:13,283
what I'm saying is that, yes, OK,
things do change after marriage.

499
00:24:13,283 --> 00:24:15,403
But that's life.

500
00:24:15,403 --> 00:24:17,243
And the wonderful thing about
marriage

501
00:24:17,243 --> 00:24:20,483
is that you have someone
to share your journey with.

502
00:24:23,403 --> 00:24:24,923
But what about the romance?

503
00:24:24,923 --> 00:24:26,483
What happens to that?

504
00:24:26,483 --> 00:24:28,043
I'm still romantic.

505
00:24:28,043 --> 00:24:29,963
Really?

506
00:24:29,963 --> 00:24:33,603
For my last birthday,
Amjad bought me two dozen red roses

507
00:24:33,603 --> 00:24:35,243
and he wrote me a poem.

508
00:24:40,123 --> 00:24:41,163
So?

509
00:24:41,163 --> 00:24:43,043
Do you even know when Mum's
birthday is?

510
00:24:43,043 --> 00:24:44,163
Of course!

511
00:24:44,163 --> 00:24:46,043
When is it, then?

512
00:24:46,043 --> 00:24:48,723
The 28th. Week after next.
And what have you got her?

513
00:24:50,483 --> 00:24:51,803
Well?

514
00:24:51,803 --> 00:24:53,683
A jigsaw.

515
00:24:55,803 --> 00:24:57,123
There you are. Told you.

516
00:24:59,003 --> 00:25:00,043
Right.

517
00:25:00,043 --> 00:25:03,963
Fine. I wasn't going to give it to
you till your birthday, but here...

518
00:25:05,163 --> 00:25:07,683
..you can have it now.
There you are.

519
00:25:14,443 --> 00:25:16,283
SHE GASPS

520
00:25:16,283 --> 00:25:19,043
It's us!

521
00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:21,923
It's from our last anniversary.

522
00:25:21,923 --> 00:25:23,763
You looked so lovely in that picture

523
00:25:23,763 --> 00:25:25,643
I had it made especially.

524
00:25:26,603 --> 00:25:29,483
I thought we could do it together.
Do you like it?

525
00:25:29,483 --> 00:25:30,803
I love it.

526
00:25:31,923 --> 00:25:33,963
Thank you!

527
00:25:38,443 --> 00:25:41,003
Why don't you ever do
anything like that?

528
00:25:47,563 --> 00:25:48,603
There we are,

529
00:25:48,603 --> 00:25:50,443
all finished.

530
00:25:50,443 --> 00:25:52,523
It's a lovely picture, isn't it?

531
00:25:52,523 --> 00:25:55,363
Haan. And you look so thin.

532
00:25:55,363 --> 00:25:58,003
I got Alia to Photoshop it.

533
00:26:01,443 --> 00:26:03,323
Do you think we're still romantic?

534
00:26:03,323 --> 00:26:04,843
Of course.

535
00:26:04,843 --> 00:26:06,363
I might go up.

536
00:26:06,363 --> 00:26:07,443
OK.

537
00:26:10,283 --> 00:26:12,443
Are you coming?

538
00:26:12,443 --> 00:26:13,803
Haan.

539
00:26:23,203 --> 00:26:25,803
LEATHER CREAKS

540
00:26:36,203 --> 00:26:37,523
Sweetie?

541
00:26:37,523 --> 00:26:40,363
I think I need some talcum powder.