Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.
They all know me. Do you like my suit? Number one.
Citizen Khan.
# We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! #
And then I put the star on the top of the tree.
Not yet, Mr Khan.
At the actual ceremony tonight,
the Reverend Green will say a few words first.
What! I thought I would just remind everyone about the true
meaning of Christmas and why we've all come out.
What are you talking about?
Well, you know, the nativity,
the birth of Christ - it IS Christmas Eve.
But this is the Sparkhill Interfaith Christmas tree.
And we Pakistanis love Christmas.
Tandoori turkey, the roads are all empty,
and we charge double taxi fare.
Yes, but...
And we do what most Christians do. What's that?
Don't go to church!
So I officially declare Christmas open.
HE CLEARS THROAT
Very good. Rehearsal's over.
So, who wants a Christmas drink?
Ooh, have we got time? Of course!
Come on, I got special Pakistani versions
of all your Christmas favourites.
Mulled wine - without the wine.
It's just hot water with some sticks in
and those black bits at the bottom.
I won't, thanks.
I got egg nog. Er...
Without the nog.
So, it's just...
Egg.
Right.
Here, I even got one especially for you.
Is it...
Ginger beer!
What happened to my lights?
Ah, I've got a little surprise for you. Hold on.
Merry Christmas!
And a Happy New Year!
HE CLEARS THROAT
LIGHTS FIZZLE
Oh, twaddi!
Everything all right? Yes, fine.
Your hat is on fire. What?
Oh, gosh!
Ooh, ooh!
How hot do you want your Christmas chicken curry?
Very hot. Are you sure? You don't like it too hot.
Yes, I do.
Not like Amjad. He loves his chillies.
I love my chillies. I'm just as big a man as him.
Remember that time at the Maliks' party
and you asked for extra chillies to impress the English guests?
You spent the whole evening locked in the toilet.
I was fine.
That's not what you told the NHS helpline.
It's going to be so great to have both our girls here. I miss Shazia.
I know, my darling, but you know what they say - you lose a daughter,
gain a spare room/Mr Khan's study.
We can have a proper family meal again.
I can't wait!
Ah, that's sweet!
No, I mean, I can't wait,
because we've got to be at the Christmas tree ceremony by seven.
Where are they?
TEXT MESSAGE
Ah, it's Shazia. They're two minutes away.
Of course they're two minutes away. They're always two minutes away.
Because they live next door!
Oi! Hurry up!
God!
I must remember to give her these.
Can you believe Shazia and Amjad are going to be parents?
Not really.
And so soon after they got married. They must have really...
I don't want to think about it.
I wonder if they've thought of a name yet.
I'll find a name for him.
Him? What if it's a girl?
It won't be a girl. How do you know? God owes me.
Papaji, can I have some money? Why?
There's a Christmas party. At my mosque study group.
The tickets are £25.
I'm sorry, beti,
but your mother is cooking a special dinner for us tonight. What?
I know. I'm not wild about it, either.
But don't worry, because afterwards we're all going
to watch me put the star on top of the tree. Great.
I'll see you later then - at the tree ceremony! OK.
Unless you wanted me to stay for dinner.
No.
Right.
Hey, I tell you what, it's funny -
Shazia's baby being born at Christmas, isn't it?
It's not being born at Christmas.
No but nearly. And you're putting a star up in the sky.
It's like the nativity, isn't it?
Keith, we're Muslims.
That story has got nothing to do with us.
DOORBELL
Hello, sir.
Dad, we're in trouble.
I think it might be my fault.
It's definitely your fault.
The boiler's burst.
Can we stay here?
There's no room.
Of course there is, come on in!
Ooh, what's that?
The girls at work gave it to me. For the new baby.
Come on, beti.
But there's NO ROOM!
At the inn!
Aw, come in, beti.
Sit down, put your feet up and I'll get you a nice cup of tea.
We haven't got time for feet-up tea-cup!
And they need somewhere to stay. They've got somewhere to stay.
It's called a house and they live in it!
We've got no heating or hot water.
And they can't get a plumber out until after Christmas.
It's a nightmare. How did it happen?
The pilot light went out and I tried to relight it
and there was a small explosion.
Amjad, what kind of man can't work his own boiler?
It wasn't his fault - the boiler's dodgy.
It was the cheap one you got off Mr Haroon.
Cheap? It cost me £20!
I tried to read the manual but it was in Japanese.
Amjad, real men don't need manuals.
We instinctively know how electrical things work.
What happened to your hat?
He set fire to it with the Christmas lights.
Now let's get "mummy and daddy" set up in Shazia's room!
You mean my study?
Not any more. You blow up the inflatable mattress, and you -
get Shazia's room ready.
Why can't Shazia get the room ready?
I'm eight-and-a-half months pregnant!
You don't have to go on about it.
People have had babies before.
You're right. I'm being selfish.
You've got to check your instagram. Exactly!
Are you ready to go?
No, Dave. I've got to blow this thing up first.
The ceremony does need to start at seven on the dot, Mr Khan.
All right. Keep your knickers on. I'll be there.
It's not like they can start without you. Exactly.
Unless they use the other fellow. What?
We have Dr Prakash on standby to do the star.
Dr Prakash? But he's Indian.
They're too little. He'll never be able to reach the tree.
We should really be going. We have to get changed. Why?
We're being the three wise men.
My idea.
I thought it might help to integrate us with the Christmas story.
So it's Gold, Frankincense and Ginger now, is it?
Get out!
So you'll be there by seven?
Yes! Don't worry, I'll be there.
Who are you? I'm Gabe. What?
Gabe. Short for Gabriel. Good news.
Shazia's having a baby.
Shazia! Doctor is here.
Hi, Gabe!
Hi, mum-to-be!
Doctor? Why is doctor here? Is everything OK?
Oh, I'm not a doctor.
Eh? What are you, then?
Gabe's our natural birthing partner.
Me and Amjad decided we want to have the
baby as naturally as possible, didn't we, budoo?
Yes, ladoo!
So, are you like a midwife?
A bit like a midwife, yeah,
but we provide more emotional and moral support.
I don't understand. You're a man.
It's not a gender-specific role, yeah?
We've been welcoming male members for several years.
Good for you.
Is he going to go to the hospital with you?
No, Mum. We're not going to hospital.
We're having a home birth.
Having a baby is a natural process.
Being pregnant isn't an illness.
Although I have had quite bad morning sickness.
But what if you need a doctor?
I won't need a doctor. I don't even like doctors.
We know that, Shazia. That's how you ended up with Amjad.
We've got a birth plan. I'm having a birthing pool.
And I'm having candles.
And Amjad's done a playlist of my favourite music.
It's got ABBA, Girls Aloud And Gary Barlow.
What, no Justin Bieber?
Oh, no!
Don't worry, you've got plenty of time, yeah?
At least two weeks before baby's due.
But less than an hour before we have to be at the tree ceremony!
Can we go? We have to eat.
We'll eat later. No. We'll take the food with us. No.
And anyway, I have to sort the room out for Shazia first.
But sweetie...! I'll be down in a minute.
Why don't you and Amjad go and put the food out?
You know, you could have forced Gandhi out of hunger strike.
Is that the Christmas curry?
Yes.
Can I try it?
It's quite mild. Is it?
Do you like it mild?
No! I'm a man.
I like it hot.
Me too.
Ooh! That's better!
It must be amazing being a daddy.
It's all right.
I want to be involved in every part.
I've been to the antenatal classes. I've read all the books.
I even spent a week wearing a fake bump to see what it feels like.
Look, women have babies. They're very good at it.
They don't need us getting in the way.
What about when Shazia was born? What about it?
Wasn't that a special day?
Yes, it was. A very special day.
Were you by Mrs Khan's side, being supportive?
I was being supportive but not by her side.
Where were you, then?
Edgbaston.
One Day International. Supporting Pakistan.
They announced over the Tannoy that I'd become a father.
I was so proud.
I rushed home as soon as Imran Khan got his century.
I think I'll want to be there.
Trust me, Amjad.
When all that starts happening, you want to be as far away as possible.
But it's my baby too.
Amjad, you've done your bit.
Men do men's things and women do women's things.
That's just the way it is.
DOORBELL
All right? Who are you?
Jack Shepherd. Shepherd and Son? We got a delivery for next door.
Will you take it? What is it?
A birthing pool.
Hey! Shepherd and Son.
They're Shepherds!
See you later.
Someone's got to sign for it.
Amjad!
Sir! Sir!
What is it?
Come quick. It's started!
What, the Great British Bake Off?
What's going on?
I'm having a baby, Dad.
We know that, Shazia. You don't need to keep on going about it.
No, she means now. She's in labour!
She can't be. It's not due for another two weeks.
I think baby's got other ideas, yeah?
Why is it coming early?
Ah, who knows what starts it off. It's one of nature's mysteries.
Or it might have been the curry. What?
Oh, it's a liquid fire!
How did it get so hot?
I put extra chillies in it. I didn't want it to be too mild.
So you made it hot enough to induce labour?
Brilliant.
Amjad, call an ambulance.
Right. Ambulance, good thinking.
We don't need an ambulance.
No, no ambulances, that's completely wrong!
But beti, we need to get you to the hospital.
No, Mum. I don't want to go to hospital.
Are you sure, Shazia? It's Christmas Eve.
No waiting time!
We want a home birth. Of course you do.
Right, you heard her. Take her back to your house.
Don't be ridiculous. They can't go home.
This is my home too.
Yes, it is, my baby. This is your home!
You belong here, my baby!
I think baby is going to be born right here.
Why don't we take Shazia upstairs for a lie down?
Help her relax, yeah?
Good idea.
Come on, Amjad. Let's go to the tree ceremony.
I have to be a part of this.
I've got to get the birthing pool ready and the music,
and the candles and the nappies.
I'm really sorry, sir.
It's OK. I think I understand now.
Thank you, sir.
Good luck.
Keith, Keith! We're on!
Shazia's decided to have her baby.
Typical of that one - so selfish.
Right.
So, we'll take your car. No need to use my petrol.
See you outside, Grandad.
What? You're about to become a grandfather.
I don't know what you call them in Pakistan.
Dadaji. I called my grandfather dadaji.
I'm going to be a grandfather.
I remember when my first grandchild came along,
I was terrified for my daughter.
Didn't want her to suffer, you know.
You don't really think about the baby until it pops out
and there it is, the most precious thing your child will ever have.
A child of her own.
So shall we go?
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Look, sweetie. You get married to Amjad,
you settle down, have some children.
It's not a bad life, is it?
You love my daughter, and in the end, that's what matters.
What kind of an idiot would start a rumour like that?
A very nice idiot who loves you very much.
They'll make good parents, I think.
And we'll make good grandparents, with little Shazias
and Amjads playing around our feet.
I know I don't always say this, but you know you're very special to me.
And I love you very much.
I know.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Is anyone going to sign for this?
Oh, yes.
Amjad! What are you doing? You have to check it first.
Make sure everything's there.
I thought you were going to your ceremony.
Never mind that. Let's get this baby born!
Right.
If you want, Papaji, I could go on ahead and tell them
you're running late.
Such a good girl! Thank you, Alia.
I'll need some money for a taxi, though.
Of course. How much?
£25?
HE SIGHS Here you are.
OK. Amjad! You have to blow it up first, make sure there's no leaks.
Right.
I'm not sure I've got enough puff, sir.
Come on, we'll do it together.
Here's the pump. We'll need this, hah?
HE GROANS
Brilliant. Thank you, sir.
That's OK. Do you know what to do once it's up?
Not really. Show me the manual.
I thought you said that real men don't need a manual.
Amjad, it's a birthing pool, not a flat-pack wardrobe!
I'm out of my comfort zone here.
Right, so Shazia will be in the pool.
She'll either be sat like this...
..or sat like this.
And where am I? Right in here, between my legs.
Right.
That's it. Come on.
There. And then...ah!
She'll be doing the puffing and the panting.
Ah, ooh! Ah, ooh!
Then you can give her some massage to help with the pain.
Ah, ooh! Ah, ooh!
I love you so much. You're doing really well!
Amjad! You useless idiot! This is all your fault!
Sorry, sir!
No, that's what she'll say. They all do that.
Oh, right.
And then the baby's head will enter the delivery canal...
I can't see it yet!
It's COMING!
Push, ladoo! You can do it!
I'm pushing!
I can see the head, sir. One last push.
Argh!
Everything all right?
Yes.
You look a bit stressed.
What do you expect? I'm ten centimetres dilated!
What's this for?
That's another one of my jobs.
What job?
HE WHISPERS
Right. Well, I think it's all under control.
Thank you so much, sir.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You're the best, Mr Khan, sir. I know.
Yes?
I am tired. It is Christmas Eve.
Will somebody please sign for this flaming birthing pool!
Here, give it to me.
EXPLOSION
Aaah!
Maybe we don't need a birthing pool.
Just get in there and explain it.
Tell her we can use the old paddling pool.
Why me? Because it's your fault.
And because you're her father and she needs you!
You're right. She needs me.
Hello, sweetie. It's your daddy here.
ARGH!
She doesn't need me.
She DOES need you.
You stay here and I'll go find the paddling pool.
Shazia, sweetie.
We're having a bit of trouble with the birthing pool.
Sod the birthing pool! I want drugs! Get me a doctor.
You don't need a doctor.
Are you deaf?
Shazia, babe.
I know the pain is bad right now,
but you can control it with your breathing, yeah?
It's really not so bad.
How the bloody hell would you know!
OK, how about some music, yeah?
Amjad?
What?
Music?
# Silent night, holy night... #
No, your iPod.
Oh!
Oh - and I think a massage might help, yeah?
I've got some essential oils in my car.
I'll just go and get them, yeah?
OK, beti?
Oh, not really!
Do you want your lambie?
He always used to make you feel better.
Aaaargh!
Maybe you've grown out of it.
I'm scared, Dad.
Aw, come on, sweetie. Don't cry.
It's OK. I'm here.
But what about your ceremony? Putting the star on the tree?
You're going to miss it.
Forget about that. You got nothing to worry about.
I'm staying right here with you.
And, you know, you got GABE...
Yeah, I mean...the thing is about Gabe,
I know I said he was amazing and everything, but...
He's a total nincompoop?
Yes!
I know, I know.
It's going to be OK.
I remember when your mother was having you, I was very worried.
Were there complications?
Oh, yes! Pakistan were four wickets down after ten overs.
Oooooh!
Beti, I think we should get you to the hospital.
No, please, Dad. I don't want to go to hospital.
I want a home birth like Mum.
Right, OK, then. We'll get a doctor to come here.
But it's Christmas Eve. Where will you find a doctor?
I know where to find one
and he's an Indian - they're always on duty!
You stay here. I'll be back soon.
Yeah, these should do the trick.
No, thank you. There's been a change to the birthing plan.
What kind of change? You're not in it any more.
But... Thank you. Goodbye.
But what about my oils?
Why don't you go home and give yourself a rub?
BRASS BAND PLAYS "GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN"
Dr Prakash? Dr Prakash!
Dr Prakash!
Dr Prakash! Dr Prakash! Dr Prakash!
What are you doing? There's no room for two!
Chillax! Don't get your Christmas crackers in a twist.
I need your help.
MOTOR DROWNS SPEECH
What's he doing up there?
You see, it's an emergency.
I do see.
Great. Let's get back down. Come on.
Come on, come on! My daughter's having a baby!
It's stuck. Must be overloaded.
Hop on my back. What?
Just do it!
Right, GERONIMO!
Follow that star!
Wasn't that your dad?
Nah.
Argh! Somebody do something!
What about One Direction? You like them.
I'm back! Thank God. Have you got a doctor?
Yes, I have.
So, it looks like someone's having a baby.
He's good, isn't he?
Where the hell have you been! Give me some drugs!
Put these on.
Right, I'm ready! Where do you want me?
Outside! OK!
Come on, ladoo! You can do it! One last push!
Shut up! OK!
It's very quiet up there. I hope everything's all right.
Amazing to think the curry was what set her off.
Why? What's wrong with it.
Well? They're fine.
It's a little baby boy! Aw!
Aw, look at him!
Born on Christmas Day.
There's really only one name
we can give this special little man, isn't there?
Haan.
Happy Birthday, baby Mohammed!