1 00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:09,003 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:14,203 --> 00:00:19,683 They all know me. Do you like my suit? Number one. 3 00:00:19,683 --> 00:00:21,723 Citizen Khan. 4 00:00:21,723 --> 00:00:27,243 # We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! # 5 00:00:27,243 --> 00:00:29,883 And then I put the star on the top of the tree. 6 00:00:29,883 --> 00:00:32,163 Not yet, Mr Khan. 7 00:00:32,163 --> 00:00:33,803 At the actual ceremony tonight, 8 00:00:33,803 --> 00:00:36,083 the Reverend Green will say a few words first. 9 00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:38,883 What! I thought I would just remind everyone about the true 10 00:00:38,883 --> 00:00:41,243 meaning of Christmas and why we've all come out. 11 00:00:41,243 --> 00:00:42,883 What are you talking about? 12 00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:44,643 Well, you know, the nativity, 13 00:00:44,643 --> 00:00:47,083 the birth of Christ - it IS Christmas Eve. 14 00:00:47,083 --> 00:00:49,723 But this is the Sparkhill Interfaith Christmas tree. 15 00:00:49,723 --> 00:00:52,083 And we Pakistanis love Christmas. 16 00:00:52,083 --> 00:00:55,923 Tandoori turkey, the roads are all empty, 17 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,723 and we charge double taxi fare. 18 00:00:59,043 --> 00:01:00,283 Yes, but... 19 00:01:00,283 --> 00:01:02,763 And we do what most Christians do. What's that? 20 00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,483 Don't go to church! 21 00:01:05,483 --> 00:01:09,323 So I officially declare Christmas open. 22 00:01:09,323 --> 00:01:12,803 HE CLEARS THROAT 23 00:01:12,803 --> 00:01:14,523 Very good. Rehearsal's over. 24 00:01:15,803 --> 00:01:17,523 So, who wants a Christmas drink? 25 00:01:17,523 --> 00:01:19,883 Ooh, have we got time? Of course! 26 00:01:19,883 --> 00:01:23,003 Come on, I got special Pakistani versions 27 00:01:23,003 --> 00:01:25,643 of all your Christmas favourites. 28 00:01:25,643 --> 00:01:27,523 Mulled wine - without the wine. 29 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:32,003 It's just hot water with some sticks in 30 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:34,523 and those black bits at the bottom. 31 00:01:34,523 --> 00:01:38,363 I won't, thanks. 32 00:01:38,363 --> 00:01:40,083 I got egg nog. Er... 33 00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:42,123 Without the nog. 34 00:01:42,123 --> 00:01:43,883 So, it's just... 35 00:01:43,883 --> 00:01:46,123 Egg. 36 00:01:46,123 --> 00:01:47,323 Right. 37 00:01:47,323 --> 00:01:49,083 Here, I even got one especially for you. 38 00:01:49,083 --> 00:01:50,523 Is it... 39 00:01:50,523 --> 00:01:53,683 Ginger beer! 40 00:01:53,683 --> 00:01:54,963 What happened to my lights? 41 00:01:54,963 --> 00:01:58,363 Ah, I've got a little surprise for you. Hold on. 42 00:02:01,523 --> 00:02:02,763 Merry Christmas! 43 00:02:05,443 --> 00:02:06,683 And a Happy New Year! 44 00:02:06,683 --> 00:02:08,403 HE CLEARS THROAT 45 00:02:08,403 --> 00:02:10,603 LIGHTS FIZZLE 46 00:02:10,603 --> 00:02:11,643 Oh, twaddi! 47 00:02:14,283 --> 00:02:16,203 Everything all right? Yes, fine. 48 00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:19,923 Your hat is on fire. What? 49 00:02:21,763 --> 00:02:23,643 Oh, gosh! 50 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:25,723 Ooh, ooh! 51 00:02:25,723 --> 00:02:28,083 How hot do you want your Christmas chicken curry? 52 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:31,323 Very hot. Are you sure? You don't like it too hot. 53 00:02:31,323 --> 00:02:32,603 Yes, I do. 54 00:02:32,603 --> 00:02:34,803 Not like Amjad. He loves his chillies. 55 00:02:34,803 --> 00:02:37,923 I love my chillies. I'm just as big a man as him. 56 00:02:37,923 --> 00:02:39,683 Remember that time at the Maliks' party 57 00:02:39,683 --> 00:02:42,763 and you asked for extra chillies to impress the English guests? 58 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,043 You spent the whole evening locked in the toilet. 59 00:02:45,043 --> 00:02:46,363 I was fine. 60 00:02:46,363 --> 00:02:51,323 That's not what you told the NHS helpline. 61 00:02:51,323 --> 00:02:56,203 It's going to be so great to have both our girls here. I miss Shazia. 62 00:02:56,203 --> 00:02:59,563 I know, my darling, but you know what they say - you lose a daughter, 63 00:02:59,563 --> 00:03:01,963 gain a spare room/Mr Khan's study. 64 00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:05,123 We can have a proper family meal again. 65 00:03:05,123 --> 00:03:06,203 I can't wait! 66 00:03:06,203 --> 00:03:07,323 Ah, that's sweet! 67 00:03:07,323 --> 00:03:08,363 No, I mean, I can't wait, 68 00:03:08,363 --> 00:03:11,083 because we've got to be at the Christmas tree ceremony by seven. 69 00:03:11,083 --> 00:03:12,123 Where are they? 70 00:03:12,123 --> 00:03:15,083 TEXT MESSAGE 71 00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:17,323 Ah, it's Shazia. They're two minutes away. 72 00:03:17,323 --> 00:03:20,403 Of course they're two minutes away. They're always two minutes away. 73 00:03:20,403 --> 00:03:23,603 Because they live next door! 74 00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,323 Oi! Hurry up! 75 00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:27,963 God! 76 00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:33,283 I must remember to give her these. 77 00:03:33,283 --> 00:03:36,963 Can you believe Shazia and Amjad are going to be parents? 78 00:03:36,963 --> 00:03:38,003 Not really. 79 00:03:39,323 --> 00:03:42,363 And so soon after they got married. They must have really... 80 00:03:42,363 --> 00:03:44,523 I don't want to think about it. 81 00:03:46,603 --> 00:03:48,723 I wonder if they've thought of a name yet. 82 00:03:48,723 --> 00:03:49,883 I'll find a name for him. 83 00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:51,683 Him? What if it's a girl? 84 00:03:51,683 --> 00:03:54,323 It won't be a girl. How do you know? God owes me. 85 00:03:57,483 --> 00:04:00,243 Papaji, can I have some money? Why? 86 00:04:00,243 --> 00:04:02,963 There's a Christmas party. At my mosque study group. 87 00:04:02,963 --> 00:04:04,563 The tickets are £25. 88 00:04:04,563 --> 00:04:06,083 I'm sorry, beti, 89 00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:09,563 but your mother is cooking a special dinner for us tonight. What? 90 00:04:09,563 --> 00:04:11,283 I know. I'm not wild about it, either. 91 00:04:11,283 --> 00:04:13,763 But don't worry, because afterwards we're all going 92 00:04:13,763 --> 00:04:15,923 to watch me put the star on top of the tree. Great. 93 00:04:18,163 --> 00:04:21,843 I'll see you later then - at the tree ceremony! OK. 94 00:04:21,843 --> 00:04:23,883 Unless you wanted me to stay for dinner. 95 00:04:23,883 --> 00:04:24,923 No. 96 00:04:26,603 --> 00:04:28,283 Right. 97 00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:30,123 Hey, I tell you what, it's funny - 98 00:04:30,123 --> 00:04:32,563 Shazia's baby being born at Christmas, isn't it? 99 00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:34,003 It's not being born at Christmas. 100 00:04:34,003 --> 00:04:38,563 No but nearly. And you're putting a star up in the sky. 101 00:04:38,563 --> 00:04:40,243 It's like the nativity, isn't it? 102 00:04:40,243 --> 00:04:42,323 Keith, we're Muslims. 103 00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:46,763 That story has got nothing to do with us. 104 00:04:46,763 --> 00:04:49,083 DOORBELL 105 00:04:52,443 --> 00:04:53,803 Hello, sir. 106 00:04:53,803 --> 00:04:55,683 Dad, we're in trouble. 107 00:04:55,683 --> 00:04:57,363 I think it might be my fault. 108 00:04:57,363 --> 00:05:00,403 It's definitely your fault. 109 00:05:00,403 --> 00:05:02,123 The boiler's burst. 110 00:05:02,123 --> 00:05:03,163 Can we stay here? 111 00:05:03,163 --> 00:05:05,043 There's no room. 112 00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,203 Of course there is, come on in! 113 00:05:07,203 --> 00:05:08,563 Ooh, what's that? 114 00:05:08,563 --> 00:05:12,523 The girls at work gave it to me. For the new baby. 115 00:05:12,523 --> 00:05:13,563 Come on, beti. 116 00:05:16,763 --> 00:05:18,643 But there's NO ROOM! 117 00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:21,123 At the inn! 118 00:05:24,603 --> 00:05:26,243 Aw, come in, beti. 119 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:31,203 Sit down, put your feet up and I'll get you a nice cup of tea. 120 00:05:31,203 --> 00:05:34,283 We haven't got time for feet-up tea-cup! 121 00:05:34,283 --> 00:05:37,403 And they need somewhere to stay. They've got somewhere to stay. 122 00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:40,163 It's called a house and they live in it! 123 00:05:40,163 --> 00:05:41,723 We've got no heating or hot water. 124 00:05:41,723 --> 00:05:44,323 And they can't get a plumber out until after Christmas. 125 00:05:44,323 --> 00:05:46,443 It's a nightmare. How did it happen? 126 00:05:46,443 --> 00:05:49,523 The pilot light went out and I tried to relight it 127 00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:53,083 and there was a small explosion. 128 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:56,443 Amjad, what kind of man can't work his own boiler? 129 00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,843 It wasn't his fault - the boiler's dodgy. 130 00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:01,083 It was the cheap one you got off Mr Haroon. 131 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,923 Cheap? It cost me £20! 132 00:06:04,683 --> 00:06:08,443 I tried to read the manual but it was in Japanese. 133 00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:11,283 Amjad, real men don't need manuals. 134 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:14,763 We instinctively know how electrical things work. 135 00:06:14,763 --> 00:06:16,323 What happened to your hat? 136 00:06:16,323 --> 00:06:18,803 He set fire to it with the Christmas lights. 137 00:06:20,443 --> 00:06:24,803 Now let's get "mummy and daddy" set up in Shazia's room! 138 00:06:24,803 --> 00:06:25,843 You mean my study? 139 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:29,123 Not any more. You blow up the inflatable mattress, and you - 140 00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:30,443 get Shazia's room ready. 141 00:06:30,443 --> 00:06:32,283 Why can't Shazia get the room ready? 142 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:34,203 I'm eight-and-a-half months pregnant! 143 00:06:34,203 --> 00:06:37,603 You don't have to go on about it. 144 00:06:37,603 --> 00:06:39,883 People have had babies before. 145 00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:41,803 You're right. I'm being selfish. 146 00:06:41,803 --> 00:06:44,443 You've got to check your instagram. Exactly! 147 00:06:46,643 --> 00:06:47,763 Are you ready to go? 148 00:06:47,763 --> 00:06:50,323 No, Dave. I've got to blow this thing up first. 149 00:06:50,323 --> 00:06:53,803 The ceremony does need to start at seven on the dot, Mr Khan. 150 00:06:53,803 --> 00:06:56,083 All right. Keep your knickers on. I'll be there. 151 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,403 It's not like they can start without you. Exactly. 152 00:06:58,403 --> 00:07:00,483 Unless they use the other fellow. What? 153 00:07:00,483 --> 00:07:03,163 We have Dr Prakash on standby to do the star. 154 00:07:03,163 --> 00:07:06,083 Dr Prakash? But he's Indian. 155 00:07:08,163 --> 00:07:11,763 They're too little. He'll never be able to reach the tree. 156 00:07:11,763 --> 00:07:14,603 We should really be going. We have to get changed. Why? 157 00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,403 We're being the three wise men. 158 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,043 My idea. 159 00:07:20,043 --> 00:07:23,163 I thought it might help to integrate us with the Christmas story. 160 00:07:23,163 --> 00:07:28,163 So it's Gold, Frankincense and Ginger now, is it? 161 00:07:28,163 --> 00:07:29,203 Get out! 162 00:07:32,683 --> 00:07:34,563 So you'll be there by seven? 163 00:07:34,563 --> 00:07:36,363 Yes! Don't worry, I'll be there. 164 00:07:40,123 --> 00:07:42,243 Who are you? I'm Gabe. What? 165 00:07:42,243 --> 00:07:45,163 Gabe. Short for Gabriel. Good news. 166 00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:47,443 Shazia's having a baby. 167 00:07:50,723 --> 00:07:52,123 Shazia! Doctor is here. 168 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,483 Hi, Gabe! 169 00:07:53,483 --> 00:07:55,083 Hi, mum-to-be! 170 00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,523 Doctor? Why is doctor here? Is everything OK? 171 00:07:57,523 --> 00:07:59,523 Oh, I'm not a doctor. 172 00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:00,763 Eh? What are you, then? 173 00:08:00,763 --> 00:08:03,083 Gabe's our natural birthing partner. 174 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,883 Me and Amjad decided we want to have the 175 00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:07,163 baby as naturally as possible, didn't we, budoo? 176 00:08:07,163 --> 00:08:09,483 Yes, ladoo! 177 00:08:09,483 --> 00:08:12,003 So, are you like a midwife? 178 00:08:12,003 --> 00:08:13,523 A bit like a midwife, yeah, 179 00:08:13,523 --> 00:08:16,563 but we provide more emotional and moral support. 180 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,483 I don't understand. You're a man. 181 00:08:19,643 --> 00:08:21,403 It's not a gender-specific role, yeah? 182 00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:24,963 We've been welcoming male members for several years. 183 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,003 Good for you. 184 00:08:27,643 --> 00:08:29,803 Is he going to go to the hospital with you? 185 00:08:29,803 --> 00:08:31,403 No, Mum. We're not going to hospital. 186 00:08:31,403 --> 00:08:32,923 We're having a home birth. 187 00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:35,643 Having a baby is a natural process. 188 00:08:35,643 --> 00:08:37,243 Being pregnant isn't an illness. 189 00:08:37,243 --> 00:08:40,003 Although I have had quite bad morning sickness. 190 00:08:43,163 --> 00:08:45,163 But what if you need a doctor? 191 00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:48,323 I won't need a doctor. I don't even like doctors. 192 00:08:48,323 --> 00:08:51,563 We know that, Shazia. That's how you ended up with Amjad. 193 00:08:53,603 --> 00:08:56,123 We've got a birth plan. I'm having a birthing pool. 194 00:08:56,123 --> 00:08:57,563 And I'm having candles. 195 00:08:57,563 --> 00:09:00,203 And Amjad's done a playlist of my favourite music. 196 00:09:00,203 --> 00:09:04,923 It's got ABBA, Girls Aloud And Gary Barlow. 197 00:09:04,923 --> 00:09:06,803 What, no Justin Bieber? 198 00:09:06,803 --> 00:09:09,163 Oh, no! 199 00:09:09,163 --> 00:09:11,763 Don't worry, you've got plenty of time, yeah? 200 00:09:11,763 --> 00:09:13,523 At least two weeks before baby's due. 201 00:09:13,523 --> 00:09:16,443 But less than an hour before we have to be at the tree ceremony! 202 00:09:16,443 --> 00:09:17,643 Can we go? We have to eat. 203 00:09:17,643 --> 00:09:20,963 We'll eat later. No. We'll take the food with us. No. 204 00:09:20,963 --> 00:09:23,563 And anyway, I have to sort the room out for Shazia first. 205 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,403 But sweetie...! I'll be down in a minute. 206 00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:29,723 Why don't you and Amjad go and put the food out? 207 00:09:29,723 --> 00:09:33,163 You know, you could have forced Gandhi out of hunger strike. 208 00:09:39,043 --> 00:09:40,403 Is that the Christmas curry? 209 00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:42,243 Yes. 210 00:09:42,243 --> 00:09:43,283 Can I try it? 211 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:51,763 It's quite mild. Is it? 212 00:09:51,763 --> 00:09:53,803 Do you like it mild? 213 00:09:53,803 --> 00:09:55,483 No! I'm a man. 214 00:09:55,483 --> 00:09:57,123 I like it hot. 215 00:09:57,123 --> 00:09:58,163 Me too. 216 00:10:14,243 --> 00:10:16,403 Ooh! That's better! 217 00:10:19,043 --> 00:10:20,883 It must be amazing being a daddy. 218 00:10:20,883 --> 00:10:22,363 It's all right. 219 00:10:22,363 --> 00:10:24,683 I want to be involved in every part. 220 00:10:24,683 --> 00:10:28,203 I've been to the antenatal classes. I've read all the books. 221 00:10:28,203 --> 00:10:32,563 I even spent a week wearing a fake bump to see what it feels like. 222 00:10:32,563 --> 00:10:35,083 Look, women have babies. They're very good at it. 223 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:37,763 They don't need us getting in the way. 224 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,563 What about when Shazia was born? What about it? 225 00:10:40,563 --> 00:10:42,003 Wasn't that a special day? 226 00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:45,363 Yes, it was. A very special day. 227 00:10:45,363 --> 00:10:47,523 Were you by Mrs Khan's side, being supportive? 228 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:51,043 I was being supportive but not by her side. 229 00:10:51,043 --> 00:10:52,243 Where were you, then? 230 00:10:52,243 --> 00:10:54,603 Edgbaston. 231 00:10:54,603 --> 00:10:57,843 One Day International. Supporting Pakistan. 232 00:10:59,123 --> 00:11:02,683 They announced over the Tannoy that I'd become a father. 233 00:11:02,683 --> 00:11:04,203 I was so proud. 234 00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:09,323 I rushed home as soon as Imran Khan got his century. 235 00:11:09,323 --> 00:11:10,723 I think I'll want to be there. 236 00:11:10,723 --> 00:11:11,763 Trust me, Amjad. 237 00:11:11,763 --> 00:11:15,203 When all that starts happening, you want to be as far away as possible. 238 00:11:15,203 --> 00:11:17,003 But it's my baby too. 239 00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:20,843 Amjad, you've done your bit. 240 00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:25,083 Men do men's things and women do women's things. 241 00:11:25,083 --> 00:11:26,523 That's just the way it is. 242 00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,603 DOORBELL 243 00:11:37,603 --> 00:11:39,203 All right? Who are you? 244 00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:44,043 Jack Shepherd. Shepherd and Son? We got a delivery for next door. 245 00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:45,803 Will you take it? What is it? 246 00:11:45,803 --> 00:11:49,203 A birthing pool. 247 00:11:49,203 --> 00:11:52,643 Hey! Shepherd and Son. 248 00:11:52,643 --> 00:11:55,363 They're Shepherds! 249 00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:56,483 See you later. 250 00:11:58,523 --> 00:12:01,203 Someone's got to sign for it. 251 00:12:01,203 --> 00:12:03,483 Amjad! 252 00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:05,963 Sir! Sir! 253 00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:07,363 What is it? 254 00:12:07,363 --> 00:12:09,723 Come quick. It's started! 255 00:12:09,723 --> 00:12:12,003 What, the Great British Bake Off? 256 00:12:16,043 --> 00:12:17,563 What's going on? 257 00:12:17,563 --> 00:12:18,923 I'm having a baby, Dad. 258 00:12:18,923 --> 00:12:22,163 We know that, Shazia. You don't need to keep on going about it. 259 00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:24,883 No, she means now. She's in labour! 260 00:12:24,883 --> 00:12:27,683 She can't be. It's not due for another two weeks. 261 00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:29,843 I think baby's got other ideas, yeah? 262 00:12:29,843 --> 00:12:31,203 Why is it coming early? 263 00:12:31,203 --> 00:12:35,203 Ah, who knows what starts it off. It's one of nature's mysteries. 264 00:12:35,203 --> 00:12:37,723 Or it might have been the curry. What? 265 00:12:42,723 --> 00:12:44,723 Oh, it's a liquid fire! 266 00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:50,283 How did it get so hot? 267 00:12:54,283 --> 00:12:57,843 I put extra chillies in it. I didn't want it to be too mild. 268 00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,523 So you made it hot enough to induce labour? 269 00:13:00,523 --> 00:13:01,563 Brilliant. 270 00:13:03,963 --> 00:13:05,883 Amjad, call an ambulance. 271 00:13:05,883 --> 00:13:07,763 Right. Ambulance, good thinking. 272 00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:09,203 We don't need an ambulance. 273 00:13:09,203 --> 00:13:12,283 No, no ambulances, that's completely wrong! 274 00:13:12,283 --> 00:13:14,803 But beti, we need to get you to the hospital. 275 00:13:14,803 --> 00:13:16,643 No, Mum. I don't want to go to hospital. 276 00:13:16,643 --> 00:13:18,843 Are you sure, Shazia? It's Christmas Eve. 277 00:13:18,843 --> 00:13:20,203 No waiting time! 278 00:13:21,723 --> 00:13:24,443 We want a home birth. Of course you do. 279 00:13:24,443 --> 00:13:28,123 Right, you heard her. Take her back to your house. 280 00:13:28,123 --> 00:13:30,483 Don't be ridiculous. They can't go home. 281 00:13:30,483 --> 00:13:32,203 This is my home too. 282 00:13:32,203 --> 00:13:35,243 Yes, it is, my baby. This is your home! 283 00:13:35,243 --> 00:13:37,003 You belong here, my baby! 284 00:13:37,003 --> 00:13:39,803 I think baby is going to be born right here. 285 00:13:39,803 --> 00:13:42,563 Why don't we take Shazia upstairs for a lie down? 286 00:13:42,563 --> 00:13:44,883 Help her relax, yeah? 287 00:13:44,883 --> 00:13:47,283 Good idea. 288 00:13:47,283 --> 00:13:50,483 Come on, Amjad. Let's go to the tree ceremony. 289 00:13:50,483 --> 00:13:51,843 I have to be a part of this. 290 00:13:51,843 --> 00:13:55,083 I've got to get the birthing pool ready and the music, 291 00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:56,923 and the candles and the nappies. 292 00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:59,163 I'm really sorry, sir. 293 00:13:59,163 --> 00:14:03,883 It's OK. I think I understand now. 294 00:14:03,883 --> 00:14:05,163 Thank you, sir. 295 00:14:05,163 --> 00:14:06,523 Good luck. 296 00:14:09,203 --> 00:14:12,003 Keith, Keith! We're on! 297 00:14:15,203 --> 00:14:17,723 Shazia's decided to have her baby. 298 00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:20,003 Typical of that one - so selfish. 299 00:14:20,003 --> 00:14:21,603 Right. 300 00:14:21,603 --> 00:14:24,363 So, we'll take your car. No need to use my petrol. 301 00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:28,323 See you outside, Grandad. 302 00:14:29,923 --> 00:14:32,603 What? You're about to become a grandfather. 303 00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,203 I don't know what you call them in Pakistan. 304 00:14:35,203 --> 00:14:38,043 Dadaji. I called my grandfather dadaji. 305 00:14:39,683 --> 00:14:42,203 I'm going to be a grandfather. 306 00:14:42,203 --> 00:14:45,603 I remember when my first grandchild came along, 307 00:14:45,603 --> 00:14:47,363 I was terrified for my daughter. 308 00:14:47,363 --> 00:14:49,243 Didn't want her to suffer, you know. 309 00:14:49,243 --> 00:14:53,043 You don't really think about the baby until it pops out 310 00:14:53,043 --> 00:14:57,363 and there it is, the most precious thing your child will ever have. 311 00:14:58,923 --> 00:14:59,963 A child of her own. 312 00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,363 So shall we go? 313 00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:08,523 AUDIENCE: Aw! 314 00:15:08,523 --> 00:15:13,723 Look, sweetie. You get married to Amjad, 315 00:15:13,723 --> 00:15:17,643 you settle down, have some children. 316 00:15:17,643 --> 00:15:21,123 It's not a bad life, is it? 317 00:15:21,123 --> 00:15:25,763 You love my daughter, and in the end, that's what matters. 318 00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:29,363 What kind of an idiot would start a rumour like that? 319 00:15:31,443 --> 00:15:33,763 A very nice idiot who loves you very much. 320 00:15:34,843 --> 00:15:37,323 They'll make good parents, I think. 321 00:15:37,323 --> 00:15:40,243 And we'll make good grandparents, with little Shazias 322 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,203 and Amjads playing around our feet. 323 00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:48,403 I know I don't always say this, but you know you're very special to me. 324 00:15:48,403 --> 00:15:51,683 And I love you very much. 325 00:15:51,683 --> 00:15:53,443 I know. 326 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,883 AUDIENCE: Aw! 327 00:15:58,883 --> 00:16:00,963 Is anyone going to sign for this? 328 00:16:00,963 --> 00:16:02,363 Oh, yes. 329 00:16:02,363 --> 00:16:04,883 Amjad! What are you doing? You have to check it first. 330 00:16:04,883 --> 00:16:06,443 Make sure everything's there. 331 00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:09,243 I thought you were going to your ceremony. 332 00:16:09,243 --> 00:16:11,563 Never mind that. Let's get this baby born! 333 00:16:11,563 --> 00:16:14,123 Right. 334 00:16:14,123 --> 00:16:16,723 If you want, Papaji, I could go on ahead and tell them 335 00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:17,763 you're running late. 336 00:16:17,763 --> 00:16:19,683 Such a good girl! Thank you, Alia. 337 00:16:19,683 --> 00:16:22,043 I'll need some money for a taxi, though. 338 00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:23,603 Of course. How much? 339 00:16:23,603 --> 00:16:24,723 £25? 340 00:16:24,723 --> 00:16:28,043 HE SIGHS Here you are. 341 00:16:30,843 --> 00:16:35,803 OK. Amjad! You have to blow it up first, make sure there's no leaks. 342 00:16:35,803 --> 00:16:37,403 Right. 343 00:16:45,563 --> 00:16:47,563 I'm not sure I've got enough puff, sir. 344 00:16:47,563 --> 00:16:49,683 Come on, we'll do it together. 345 00:16:51,523 --> 00:16:54,643 Here's the pump. We'll need this, hah? 346 00:16:57,043 --> 00:16:58,923 HE GROANS 347 00:16:58,923 --> 00:17:01,603 Brilliant. Thank you, sir. 348 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,923 That's OK. Do you know what to do once it's up? 349 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,563 Not really. Show me the manual. 350 00:17:06,563 --> 00:17:09,123 I thought you said that real men don't need a manual. 351 00:17:09,123 --> 00:17:13,203 Amjad, it's a birthing pool, not a flat-pack wardrobe! 352 00:17:14,323 --> 00:17:17,563 I'm out of my comfort zone here. 353 00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:22,323 Right, so Shazia will be in the pool. 354 00:17:24,723 --> 00:17:27,923 She'll either be sat like this... 355 00:17:29,363 --> 00:17:33,523 ..or sat like this. 356 00:17:33,523 --> 00:17:36,643 And where am I? Right in here, between my legs. 357 00:17:38,923 --> 00:17:41,003 Right. 358 00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:43,323 That's it. Come on. 359 00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:45,603 There. And then...ah! 360 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,563 She'll be doing the puffing and the panting. 361 00:17:53,563 --> 00:17:56,043 Ah, ooh! Ah, ooh! 362 00:17:56,043 --> 00:17:59,963 Then you can give her some massage to help with the pain. 363 00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:02,563 Ah, ooh! Ah, ooh! 364 00:18:02,563 --> 00:18:05,963 I love you so much. You're doing really well! 365 00:18:05,963 --> 00:18:08,523 Amjad! You useless idiot! This is all your fault! 366 00:18:08,523 --> 00:18:10,043 Sorry, sir! 367 00:18:10,043 --> 00:18:12,403 No, that's what she'll say. They all do that. 368 00:18:12,403 --> 00:18:14,963 Oh, right. 369 00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:19,563 And then the baby's head will enter the delivery canal... 370 00:18:21,003 --> 00:18:22,643 I can't see it yet! 371 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,723 It's COMING! 372 00:18:25,723 --> 00:18:29,123 Push, ladoo! You can do it! 373 00:18:29,123 --> 00:18:31,283 I'm pushing! 374 00:18:31,283 --> 00:18:34,203 I can see the head, sir. One last push. 375 00:18:34,203 --> 00:18:38,843 Argh! 376 00:18:38,843 --> 00:18:40,163 Everything all right? 377 00:18:40,163 --> 00:18:41,203 Yes. 378 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,443 You look a bit stressed. 379 00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:47,363 What do you expect? I'm ten centimetres dilated! 380 00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:51,643 What's this for? 381 00:18:51,643 --> 00:18:53,683 That's another one of my jobs. 382 00:18:53,683 --> 00:18:54,723 What job? 383 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:59,683 HE WHISPERS 384 00:18:59,683 --> 00:19:04,203 Right. Well, I think it's all under control. 385 00:19:06,523 --> 00:19:07,963 Thank you so much, sir. 386 00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,963 I don't know what I'd do without you. 387 00:19:09,963 --> 00:19:12,483 You're the best, Mr Khan, sir. I know. 388 00:19:18,523 --> 00:19:19,843 Yes? 389 00:19:19,843 --> 00:19:23,403 I am tired. It is Christmas Eve. 390 00:19:23,403 --> 00:19:27,243 Will somebody please sign for this flaming birthing pool! 391 00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:31,843 Here, give it to me. 392 00:19:31,843 --> 00:19:34,323 EXPLOSION 393 00:19:46,403 --> 00:19:48,803 Aaah! 394 00:19:48,803 --> 00:19:50,643 Maybe we don't need a birthing pool. 395 00:19:50,643 --> 00:19:52,723 Just get in there and explain it. 396 00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:54,523 Tell her we can use the old paddling pool. 397 00:19:54,523 --> 00:19:57,163 Why me? Because it's your fault. 398 00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,803 And because you're her father and she needs you! 399 00:19:59,803 --> 00:20:02,043 You're right. She needs me. 400 00:20:05,363 --> 00:20:09,523 Hello, sweetie. It's your daddy here. 401 00:20:09,523 --> 00:20:11,323 ARGH! 402 00:20:11,323 --> 00:20:13,443 She doesn't need me. 403 00:20:13,443 --> 00:20:14,483 She DOES need you. 404 00:20:14,483 --> 00:20:17,283 You stay here and I'll go find the paddling pool. 405 00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:22,163 Shazia, sweetie. 406 00:20:22,163 --> 00:20:24,883 We're having a bit of trouble with the birthing pool. 407 00:20:24,883 --> 00:20:28,403 Sod the birthing pool! I want drugs! Get me a doctor. 408 00:20:28,403 --> 00:20:29,803 You don't need a doctor. 409 00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:31,723 Are you deaf? 410 00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:33,803 Shazia, babe. 411 00:20:33,803 --> 00:20:36,163 I know the pain is bad right now, 412 00:20:36,163 --> 00:20:41,963 but you can control it with your breathing, yeah? 413 00:20:41,963 --> 00:20:44,803 It's really not so bad. 414 00:20:44,803 --> 00:20:47,243 How the bloody hell would you know! 415 00:20:48,883 --> 00:20:52,043 OK, how about some music, yeah? 416 00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:53,283 Amjad? 417 00:20:53,283 --> 00:20:54,643 What? 418 00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:55,683 Music? 419 00:20:57,163 --> 00:21:02,603 # Silent night, holy night... # 420 00:21:02,603 --> 00:21:04,443 No, your iPod. 421 00:21:04,443 --> 00:21:06,003 Oh! 422 00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:08,683 Oh - and I think a massage might help, yeah? 423 00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:11,003 I've got some essential oils in my car. 424 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:13,643 I'll just go and get them, yeah? 425 00:21:15,403 --> 00:21:16,883 OK, beti? 426 00:21:16,883 --> 00:21:20,003 Oh, not really! 427 00:21:20,003 --> 00:21:22,323 Do you want your lambie? 428 00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:25,003 He always used to make you feel better. 429 00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:26,043 Aaaargh! 430 00:21:27,483 --> 00:21:30,243 Maybe you've grown out of it. 431 00:21:30,243 --> 00:21:31,963 I'm scared, Dad. 432 00:21:31,963 --> 00:21:37,563 Aw, come on, sweetie. Don't cry. 433 00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:39,923 It's OK. I'm here. 434 00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:43,483 But what about your ceremony? Putting the star on the tree? 435 00:21:43,483 --> 00:21:45,163 You're going to miss it. 436 00:21:45,163 --> 00:21:48,563 Forget about that. You got nothing to worry about. 437 00:21:48,563 --> 00:21:50,443 I'm staying right here with you. 438 00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:53,683 And, you know, you got GABE... 439 00:21:53,683 --> 00:21:58,723 Yeah, I mean...the thing is about Gabe, 440 00:21:58,723 --> 00:22:01,803 I know I said he was amazing and everything, but... 441 00:22:01,803 --> 00:22:03,683 He's a total nincompoop? 442 00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:06,483 Yes! 443 00:22:06,483 --> 00:22:09,483 I know, I know. 444 00:22:09,483 --> 00:22:12,083 It's going to be OK. 445 00:22:12,083 --> 00:22:16,403 I remember when your mother was having you, I was very worried. 446 00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:17,923 Were there complications? 447 00:22:17,923 --> 00:22:21,803 Oh, yes! Pakistan were four wickets down after ten overs. 448 00:22:24,323 --> 00:22:25,763 Oooooh! 449 00:22:25,763 --> 00:22:27,963 Beti, I think we should get you to the hospital. 450 00:22:27,963 --> 00:22:30,163 No, please, Dad. I don't want to go to hospital. 451 00:22:30,163 --> 00:22:32,243 I want a home birth like Mum. 452 00:22:32,243 --> 00:22:36,243 Right, OK, then. We'll get a doctor to come here. 453 00:22:36,243 --> 00:22:39,283 But it's Christmas Eve. Where will you find a doctor? 454 00:22:41,043 --> 00:22:43,283 I know where to find one 455 00:22:43,283 --> 00:22:46,003 and he's an Indian - they're always on duty! 456 00:22:48,723 --> 00:22:52,203 You stay here. I'll be back soon. 457 00:22:54,723 --> 00:22:56,683 Yeah, these should do the trick. 458 00:22:56,683 --> 00:22:59,603 No, thank you. There's been a change to the birthing plan. 459 00:22:59,603 --> 00:23:02,683 What kind of change? You're not in it any more. 460 00:23:02,683 --> 00:23:05,163 But... Thank you. Goodbye. 461 00:23:05,163 --> 00:23:06,963 But what about my oils? 462 00:23:06,963 --> 00:23:10,483 Why don't you go home and give yourself a rub? 463 00:23:12,883 --> 00:23:18,483 BRASS BAND PLAYS "GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN" 464 00:23:22,803 --> 00:23:25,363 Dr Prakash? Dr Prakash! 465 00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,563 Dr Prakash! 466 00:23:26,563 --> 00:23:28,483 Dr Prakash! 467 00:23:28,483 --> 00:23:31,883 Dr Prakash! Dr Prakash! Dr Prakash! 468 00:23:31,883 --> 00:23:33,683 What are you doing? There's no room for two! 469 00:23:33,763 --> 00:23:36,283 Chillax! Don't get your Christmas crackers in a twist. 470 00:23:36,363 --> 00:23:37,443 I need your help. 471 00:23:38,603 --> 00:23:42,883 MOTOR DROWNS SPEECH 472 00:23:44,643 --> 00:23:48,043 What's he doing up there? 473 00:23:48,043 --> 00:23:50,203 You see, it's an emergency. 474 00:23:50,203 --> 00:23:51,603 I do see. 475 00:23:51,603 --> 00:23:54,923 Great. Let's get back down. Come on. 476 00:23:54,923 --> 00:23:58,483 Come on, come on! My daughter's having a baby! 477 00:24:00,003 --> 00:24:01,963 It's stuck. Must be overloaded. 478 00:24:04,083 --> 00:24:06,083 Hop on my back. What? 479 00:24:06,083 --> 00:24:08,963 Just do it! 480 00:24:08,963 --> 00:24:11,403 Right, GERONIMO! 481 00:24:13,523 --> 00:24:14,563 Follow that star! 482 00:24:19,523 --> 00:24:21,283 Wasn't that your dad? 483 00:24:21,283 --> 00:24:22,323 Nah. 484 00:24:24,723 --> 00:24:27,243 Argh! Somebody do something! 485 00:24:27,243 --> 00:24:30,083 What about One Direction? You like them. 486 00:24:32,563 --> 00:24:34,803 I'm back! Thank God. Have you got a doctor? 487 00:24:34,803 --> 00:24:36,003 Yes, I have. 488 00:24:36,003 --> 00:24:38,923 So, it looks like someone's having a baby. 489 00:24:38,923 --> 00:24:40,883 He's good, isn't he? 490 00:24:40,883 --> 00:24:43,723 Where the hell have you been! Give me some drugs! 491 00:24:43,723 --> 00:24:44,763 Put these on. 492 00:24:46,523 --> 00:24:49,723 Right, I'm ready! Where do you want me? 493 00:24:49,723 --> 00:24:51,843 Outside! OK! 494 00:24:53,963 --> 00:24:57,683 Come on, ladoo! You can do it! One last push! 495 00:24:57,683 --> 00:25:00,203 Shut up! OK! 496 00:25:16,523 --> 00:25:20,323 It's very quiet up there. I hope everything's all right. 497 00:25:20,323 --> 00:25:22,683 Amazing to think the curry was what set her off. 498 00:25:22,683 --> 00:25:24,403 Why? What's wrong with it. 499 00:25:27,563 --> 00:25:30,003 Well? They're fine. 500 00:25:33,643 --> 00:25:35,523 It's a little baby boy! Aw! 501 00:25:37,763 --> 00:25:40,723 Aw, look at him! 502 00:25:40,723 --> 00:25:42,843 Born on Christmas Day. 503 00:25:46,843 --> 00:25:48,523 There's really only one name 504 00:25:48,523 --> 00:25:52,163 we can give this special little man, isn't there? 505 00:25:52,163 --> 00:25:53,283 Haan. 506 00:25:54,563 --> 00:25:56,483 Happy Birthday, baby Mohammed!