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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

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the capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me.

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You like my suit?

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Number one - Citizen Khan.

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Where's Dad?

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He's got a meeting with the council.

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Something about electing
a new town official?

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BELL RINGS

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Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

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Residents of the Khan household...

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let it be known far and wide
that on this day

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the downstairs toilet is partially
blocked!

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Number ones only in there
now, please!

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Dad?

16
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Let it also be known that
I, Mr Khan,

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am going to be Birmingham's
new town crier!

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If I can get the mayor
and the council lot to agree.

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God save the Queen!

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Allahu akbar!

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HE HAWKS

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What are you doing?

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Good, eh?

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Imagine - your father, Mr Khan,
community leader

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and Birmingham's new town crier!

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Like a proper Pakistani - two jobs.

27
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Can you have a Pakistani town crier?

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Of course,
Birmingham's a Pakistani town!

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I think it's a great idea, Papaji.

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Thank you, Alia. Now, I just need to
persuade the mayor.

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I'm hoping to catch his eye at the
council meeting later.

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I think he'll probably notice you!

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This council thing could
lead on to bigger

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and better things for you, Papaji.

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The last town crier is now
the Sheriff of Birmingham!

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Ooh, I hate him. He's a baddie.

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He tried to cancel Christmas!

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That's the Sheriff of Nottingham.

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Oh, yes. I have got so much to
learn.

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Maybe start with the alphabet?

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Right, I'm off
to the town hall.

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Dad!
Before Mum went to Bradford,
you promised her you'd take us

43
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all to Farley Manor!

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Amjad's got his tour guide
induction today.

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He can catch the bus. And Alia has t
go for her college project.

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She can catch up. And Naani's been
looking forward to it for ages.

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She can get stu...

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Dad!

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Shazia, what is the point
in your mother being away

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if I'm going to have her Mini-Me
in my lughole instead?

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Fine, I'll call Mum and see what
she has to say about it...

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OK, OK, OK!

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OK, Naani? All set?
Ha?

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Does this place have Wi-Fi?

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Farley Manor is one of the oldest
houses in the Midlands.

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Parts of it date back to the
Jacobean times.

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Yeah, I know that.
I'm doing a project on it.

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What I'm asking is, did
they have Wi-Fi in Jacobean times?

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Oh...

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Right, we're going to need these.

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Dad, Mum's taken Baby Mo with her to
Bradford for the weekend.

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She's showing him
off to all the Bradford aunties.

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I know.
Thank God he's had his tetanus jabs.

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So we won't need those, will we?

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They are for Naani.

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Your mother said to make sure
she doesn't get dehydrated.

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And the reins?
In case she gets lost.

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Like the time she wandered
off in Madame Tussauds.

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She was there for two days before
they realised she wasn't ET.

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Phone home, phone home!

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Come on, easy, come on...

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HE CLICKS TEETH
Easy, easy...

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Dad, she's not a horse.
Are you, Naani?

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Neigh.

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Are you excited about today,
Naanijaan?

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Ha.
I want to see the India collection.

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The what?

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It's a collection of India's most
interesting and beautiful objects.

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Where do they keep that?
In a matchbox?

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There might be something
there about Naani's father.

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You know, she hardly knew him.
He died when I was a little girl.

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Apparently, he used to
work for Lord Anstruther's

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father in India during the Raj.

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Oh, what did he do?

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He helped on the big tiger shoots
they used to have back then.

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Oh, was he the guide?

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No.

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He was the bait.

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All I remember is a gentle man,
with a warm smile and kind eyes...

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and only one arm.

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Wouldn't it be great
if we could find some record of him

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at Farley Manor?
Something to remind you of him.

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Like what? A tiger with indigestion?

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Dad! Come on, let's go.

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Right.

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HE SIGHS

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Ah...

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Ha-ha!

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Ah, here we are!

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The car park's that way. Oh, no, I
know what I'm doing.

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MAN SHOUTS: Oi! Oi!

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Dad, you can't
park in front of the house!

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It's what we do at home, it's fine,
Shazia.

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Here we go.
You can't park here, sir.

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Yes, whatever,
I'm a community leader, thank you!

106
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You'll have to move your car,
I'm sorry.

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KHAN HAWKS

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This is great!

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Have you got everything, budhoo?

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Yup. All prepared.

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I'm going to write down detailed
notes of everything

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the tour guide says.
You might want a pencil.

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Oh, no!

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How long is this tour going to take?

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If we stay too long they
might mistake Naani for an exhibit.

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It won't be long.

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I can't hang around Downton Abbaaay
with these losers all day.

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The council's meeting in an hour...

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MAN: OK, my "Sunny Hill" ladies,
let's stay together.

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Hiya!

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Assalaamu Alaikum.

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Oh, isn't it great in here?
I love history!

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You've brought enough of it.

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We're doing the gardens first and
then the India Collection.

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Are you Indian?

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Certainly not!
I'm totally different.

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I'm Pakistani.

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That's near enough!
You're practically an expert!

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ALL: Oh...!

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I'll tell you about India.
It's a dump!

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There, that's all you need to know.

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Come on, then, ladies,
let's go and see the maze!

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It's supposed to be a-maze-ing!

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Hello, everyone!

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Would you like to gather
round for the tour of the house?

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My name is Virginia Stewart.

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Let me start by welcoming you
all to Farley Manor.

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Mr Khan. Community leader.
They all know me.

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Are you here for the tour?

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No. He is.

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My husband's doing a shadowing day -

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he's applying to be a tour
guide like you!

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Well, you'd better take your pass
and follow me.

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Right, I'm off to see the mayor.
Dad! How are we going to get home?

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You promised Mum you'd look
after Naani.

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Shazia, I've promised your mother
many things over the years,

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I can't remember all of them!
Dad...

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Right, fine! I'll wait in there.
Just hurry up! Huh!

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I'm afraid you'll have to
wait elsewhere.

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They'll be setting up in there
for the gala dinner tonight.

151
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Setting up for the what? When?

152
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The gala dinner.

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To celebrate the opening
of the manor to the public.

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All the city council are coming.
Even the mayor!

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Maybe I'll come with you after all,
huh? Help control the riffraff.

156
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Righto. Are we ready to start?

157
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Righto! Let's go, everyone, come on,
listen to Miss Vaginia!

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OK, we're good to go.

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And here we have the largest
of our staterooms,

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which houses the India
Collection....

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ALL: Oooh!

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Very good, very good.

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The collection was started in 1790
by the second Lord Anstruther,

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who was C in C of the
6th Madras Light Cavalry...

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Oh, isn't this marvellous, uh?
"I love India, yaa, ya, ya."

166
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Really?

167
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Oh, what do have we here?

168
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No, you mustn't touch
the exhibits...

169
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This must be Gandhi's rice bowl, uh?

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He was always on hunger
strike.

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That's why it's so clean!

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Don't write that down.

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Mr Khan, please...

174
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Hey, listen, Virginity...
This Birmingham Gala Dinner,

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you can't have a dinner
without inviting an

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upstanding member
of the Pakistani community.

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So, come on,
how much?

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£5? £7.50 - put me
next to the mayor.

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I don't really deal with
social events...

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My grandmother wants to know if
there's any record of her father
here.

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What? He used to work for the
Anstruthers on the tiger hunts.

182
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Maybe there's
a photo in the collection?

183
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I very much doubt it.

184
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The photographs are only
of the important people.

185
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,763
So, you're saying my
great-grandfather's not important?

186
00:09:09,763 --> 00:09:10,963
Yes.

187
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:14,443
I mean, not in that way...

188
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Eldest daughter.
Just ignore her, that's what I do.

189
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How did they get all this
stuff, anyway?

190
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Lord Anstruther's ancestors ACQUIRED
it during their time in India.

191
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Stole it, you mean.

192
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Ladoo! Lord Anstruther's
relations weren't thieves.

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Or were they?

194
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Certainly not.

195
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Does anyone else have a question?

196
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Ah, Alia - good daughter.

197
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This one's very clever. Always
studying.

198
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She loves her history and so forth.

199
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,443
Yes?

200
00:09:42,443 --> 00:09:44,443
There's no Wi-Fi in here.

201
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No.

202
00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:47,723
What, not anywhere?

203
00:09:47,723 --> 00:09:52,803
I-I think there might be free Wi-Fi
in the cafe and gift shop area,
but...

204
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Probably going to do her homework.

205
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HE HAWKS

206
00:09:56,523 --> 00:09:58,963
Maybe you should go as well, ladoo?

207
00:09:58,963 --> 00:10:00,443
Fine.

208
00:10:01,803 --> 00:10:03,483
Bye-bye.

209
00:10:03,483 --> 00:10:06,083
Sorry about all this, Lady Virgin.

210
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:09,203
Please, don't mention it to the
Lordliness when you see him, huh?

211
00:10:09,203 --> 00:10:10,883
Perhaps we should move on.

212
00:10:10,883 --> 00:10:12,363
Good idea!

213
00:10:12,363 --> 00:10:13,883
This way, everybody...

214
00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:16,443
Come on, jala, jala.
Jala, jala, come on, come on.

215
00:10:16,443 --> 00:10:17,923
SHE SHOUTS

216
00:10:17,923 --> 00:10:20,443
What? What is it?
Toilet.

217
00:10:20,443 --> 00:10:22,643
Couldn't you have gone before?

218
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,843
Can't you hold it until the end?

219
00:10:24,843 --> 00:10:27,723
Nah.
Right. Come on.

220
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,443
HE HAWKS

221
00:10:32,443 --> 00:10:33,923
Oh!

222
00:10:36,763 --> 00:10:39,483
Oh, twaddi, I think this is where the
lord lives.

223
00:10:39,483 --> 00:10:41,403
Oh, quickly! No.

224
00:10:41,403 --> 00:10:43,923
All right,
maybe there's a toilet in here.

225
00:10:43,923 --> 00:10:45,963
MAN SNORES

226
00:10:47,163 --> 00:10:48,763
Hai!

227
00:10:48,763 --> 00:10:52,603
Shhhh! Just leave the tea on the
table, Dorothy.

228
00:10:52,603 --> 00:10:55,683
IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE:
Very good, your Lordliness.

229
00:10:55,683 --> 00:10:57,163
HE HAWKS

230
00:10:59,443 --> 00:11:01,323
You're not Dorothy.

231
00:11:02,683 --> 00:11:05,003
No.
Nor is she.

232
00:11:05,003 --> 00:11:06,363
No.

233
00:11:06,363 --> 00:11:09,563
Who are you, then? And what are you
doing in my private apartments?

234
00:11:09,563 --> 00:11:12,843
Mr Khan, community leader,
your Lordfulness.

235
00:11:12,843 --> 00:11:14,523
So sorry to barge in on you.

236
00:11:14,523 --> 00:11:18,363
I was just looking for somewhere
for my mother-in-law to perform
her evacuations.

237
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,003
Oh, I see.

238
00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:23,443
Well, then, you'll need to go back
out

239
00:11:23,443 --> 00:11:26,163
and right to the very end
of the corridor,

240
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:28,043
and then down some stairs...
SHE GROANS

241
00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:29,683
She is quite desperate.

242
00:11:29,683 --> 00:11:32,923
Oh, well, in that case,
there's one just through there.

243
00:11:34,683 --> 00:11:36,483
Juldi kara, go on.

244
00:11:36,483 --> 00:11:37,843
HE CLEARS THROAT

245
00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:45,603
HE HAWKS

246
00:11:49,283 --> 00:11:51,083
HAWKS LOUDER

247
00:11:54,803 --> 00:11:56,483
How do you like the house?

248
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:59,323
Oh, it's very nice. I particularly
enjoyed the Pakistani room.

249
00:11:59,323 --> 00:12:02,283
Eh?
Oh, you mean the India Collection.

250
00:12:02,283 --> 00:12:04,323
You say potato, I say aloo gobi!

251
00:12:06,363 --> 00:12:08,363
Quite. We're very proud of it,

252
00:12:08,363 --> 00:12:11,603
of course, we keep all the best
stuff in here, out of harm's way!

253
00:12:11,603 --> 00:12:15,083
Good idea. I do the same thing in my
house. Oh, really?

254
00:12:15,083 --> 00:12:18,363
Oh, yes. I hide all the custard
creamies in my sock drawer.

255
00:12:19,843 --> 00:12:21,563
Here, have a look at this.

256
00:12:23,123 --> 00:12:25,163
Hang on, that looks like a lota.

257
00:12:25,163 --> 00:12:28,003
We use that
to wash our buttocks!

258
00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:32,763
Exactly right. It's a water vessel
used for personal cleansing.

259
00:12:32,763 --> 00:12:34,603
What do you think?

260
00:12:34,603 --> 00:12:37,323
You want me to take it in for her?

261
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:40,643
There's really no need,
she's fine with paper these days.

262
00:12:40,643 --> 00:12:42,643
No, no, no. What I mean is -

263
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:44,963
you'd never guess that this
little pot was the most

264
00:12:44,963 --> 00:12:46,763
valuable item in the house,
would you?

265
00:12:46,763 --> 00:12:50,723
It used to belong to the great
Shah Jahan himself.

266
00:12:50,723 --> 00:12:53,563
Vah! Really?!

267
00:12:53,563 --> 00:12:57,843
Imagine the famous bottoms this has
seen over the centuries!

268
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,323
Do be careful with it.

269
00:12:59,323 --> 00:13:00,883
Don't worry, I've seen them

270
00:13:00,883 --> 00:13:03,843
do this on the Antiques Roadshow
with Fiona Brucie!

271
00:13:07,563 --> 00:13:09,603
There we are.
Thank you.

272
00:13:09,603 --> 00:13:11,923
All safe and sound.

273
00:13:11,923 --> 00:13:13,563
CLANG

274
00:13:13,563 --> 00:13:15,803
Noooo!

275
00:13:22,883 --> 00:13:24,843
I got it!

276
00:13:24,843 --> 00:13:28,923
I got it!

277
00:13:28,923 --> 00:13:31,523
I got it. Thank goodness!

278
00:13:31,523 --> 00:13:32,843
Lucky I was here, huh?

279
00:13:34,603 --> 00:13:36,563
Yes.

280
00:13:36,563 --> 00:13:38,363
There's no need to thank me.

281
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:40,803
Oh, right.

282
00:13:40,803 --> 00:13:43,563
I mean,
if there's anything I can do...

283
00:13:43,563 --> 00:13:46,083
Invite me to the gala dinner
tonight?! Sorry?

284
00:13:46,083 --> 00:13:48,923
Invite me to the gala dinner.
Put me next to the mayor.

285
00:13:48,923 --> 00:13:51,043
I want him to make me town crier.
Really?

286
00:13:51,043 --> 00:13:53,603
Oh, yes, if we Muslims can do call to
prayer,

287
00:13:53,603 --> 00:13:56,283
we can do call to car-boot
sale, too!

288
00:13:56,283 --> 00:13:57,763
I see.

289
00:13:57,763 --> 00:13:59,883
Well, I suppose it might
be appropriate to have an

290
00:13:59,883 --> 00:14:01,643
"authentic" presence.

291
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:04,203
A real taste of the old Punjab!

292
00:14:04,203 --> 00:14:07,523
Exactly. Show that you're
"down with the brown"!

293
00:14:09,323 --> 00:14:10,963
That's very good!

294
00:14:10,963 --> 00:14:13,083
There's plenty more where
that came from!

295
00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:15,763
Then, I'll add your name to the
guest list.

296
00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:17,203
Oh, excellent!

297
00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:19,803
K, H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.

298
00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:21,443
Jolly good.

299
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:22,963
All better?

300
00:14:25,923 --> 00:14:27,723
I will see you later, won't I?

301
00:14:27,723 --> 00:14:29,883
I'm looking forward to it.

302
00:14:29,883 --> 00:14:32,483
What do you say
to his Lordfulshipness?

303
00:14:32,483 --> 00:14:33,683
Thank you.

304
00:14:33,683 --> 00:14:35,363
You're very welcome.

305
00:14:38,723 --> 00:14:41,603
She says, "I'd give it five minutes,
if I were you."

306
00:14:49,203 --> 00:14:52,923
Virginia said I did really well.
I might even get the job.

307
00:14:52,923 --> 00:14:56,363
Well done, budhoo.
Baby Mo will be so proud.

308
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,963
Guess who is going to the gala
dinner tonight?!

309
00:14:58,963 --> 00:15:00,363
Wait, I know this...

310
00:15:02,083 --> 00:15:07,043
It's me! I got a personal invitation
from the Lord Anstruther himself!

311
00:15:07,043 --> 00:15:08,723
What do you think of that?

312
00:15:08,723 --> 00:15:11,723
That's amazing, Papaji!
You're so aristocratic and that!

313
00:15:11,723 --> 00:15:13,803
Thank you, beti!
Can I come?

314
00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:15,403
Unfortunately not.

315
00:15:15,403 --> 00:15:18,003
So, come on, let's get you home,
so I can grab my crier clappers

316
00:15:18,003 --> 00:15:21,563
and bell ends and be back here in
time for the big shindig!

317
00:15:21,563 --> 00:15:25,083
Such a shame we didn't find anything
out about Naani's father.

318
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:28,203
It would have been fantastic to get
her something to remember him by.

319
00:15:28,203 --> 00:15:30,923
I'll get her something from here.
Anything she wants.

320
00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:33,403
As long as it's no more than 99p.

321
00:15:33,403 --> 00:15:35,043
See anything you like?

322
00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:37,283
Nay.

323
00:15:37,283 --> 00:15:39,883
Oh...
How about some soap?

324
00:15:41,603 --> 00:15:43,323
What's going on?

325
00:15:43,323 --> 00:15:46,203
Eh?
What have you got in your bag?

326
00:15:46,203 --> 00:15:48,643
Nothing.
Let me see.

327
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:49,923
Nay.
Go on.

328
00:15:49,923 --> 00:15:51,243
Nay!

329
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,963
Dad!
Shazia, you can't be too careful.

330
00:15:52,963 --> 00:15:55,283
Remember the incident with
the packet of dusters?

331
00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:57,923
I still can't
show my face in Robert Dyas.

332
00:15:57,923 --> 00:16:01,603
Give it to me! Let's see what you've
got in it this time.

333
00:16:03,923 --> 00:16:05,763
Hai!

334
00:16:05,763 --> 00:16:07,323
What's that?

335
00:16:07,323 --> 00:16:09,483
It looked like a lota.

336
00:16:09,483 --> 00:16:12,803
It is a lota. It's Lord Anstruther's
prize bum washer!

337
00:16:14,563 --> 00:16:16,643
Oh, no!
How did she get that?

338
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,963
She's stolen it from his private
apartments!

339
00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:20,563
Brilliant!

340
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,403
Naani, you can't take things that
don't belong to you.

341
00:16:23,403 --> 00:16:25,683
Does belong to me.
What?

342
00:16:25,683 --> 00:16:29,763
Was in my family
for generations. British stole it.

343
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:32,683
Rubbish. Why would the British want
something covered in 200 years

344
00:16:32,683 --> 00:16:34,603
of your family's botty backwash?

345
00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:39,483
She's taking back what's
rightfully hers.

346
00:16:39,483 --> 00:16:42,683
This is like
Sparkhill's Elgin Marbles!

347
00:16:42,683 --> 00:16:45,123
Lost her marbles, more like.

348
00:16:45,123 --> 00:16:46,763
It's not hers!

349
00:16:46,763 --> 00:16:49,803
It is! My grandfather told me
about it.

350
00:16:49,803 --> 00:16:52,163
He described it to me exactly.

351
00:16:52,163 --> 00:16:54,563
And did he say it was
made in the 16th century

352
00:16:54,563 --> 00:16:56,923
and inlaid with jade
and precious stones?

353
00:16:56,923 --> 00:16:58,763
Oh, my mistake.

354
00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:01,963
What are we going to do?

355
00:17:01,963 --> 00:17:03,403
We'll just have to turn her in.

356
00:17:03,403 --> 00:17:06,323
You get a reduced sentence
if you confess.

357
00:17:06,323 --> 00:17:07,963
Naani can't go to prison!

358
00:17:07,963 --> 00:17:12,683
Don't worry, Alia. She'll get her own
room and three meals a day.

359
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:15,723
It's like a retirement home but with
fewer day trips.

360
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,643
Why don't we just leave
it on the side somewhere?

361
00:17:19,643 --> 00:17:21,723
They'll still know who took it.

362
00:17:21,723 --> 00:17:23,803
Fingerprints, you see.

363
00:17:23,803 --> 00:17:25,883
Ha! And it's covered in yours.

364
00:17:27,323 --> 00:17:28,843
What?

365
00:17:28,843 --> 00:17:30,723
No gala dinner for you.

366
00:17:30,723 --> 00:17:33,763
Right, I'll just have to put it
back before anyone notices.

367
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:37,243
Amjad, I'll need your help.
I was going to get the novelty soap.

368
00:17:37,243 --> 00:17:39,003
Amjad, just come on!

369
00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:44,203
Right, follow me.

370
00:17:44,203 --> 00:17:47,603
Why do I have to come, sir?
I need your pass to get in.

371
00:17:47,603 --> 00:17:49,243
Oh, no...

372
00:17:49,243 --> 00:17:52,003
Amjad, you want to
be in the Guides, don't you?

373
00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:53,443
What?

374
00:17:53,443 --> 00:17:55,963
Tour guide - show me round!

375
00:17:55,963 --> 00:17:58,843
Sorry, sir, this
part of the house is restricted.

376
00:17:58,843 --> 00:18:01,323
You can't come in here without
an official tour guide.

377
00:18:01,323 --> 00:18:02,523
I've got one.

378
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,603
Amjad...

379
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,203
Very good, sir.
Hiya!

380
00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:15,763
Thank goodness we caught you.
I thought we'd missed the tour!

381
00:18:15,763 --> 00:18:17,483
Oh, twaddi!

382
00:18:22,963 --> 00:18:24,443
Come on...

383
00:18:25,683 --> 00:18:27,483
Hurry up, choppity chop.

384
00:18:29,603 --> 00:18:32,683
Is this the India Collection, then?
No.

385
00:18:32,683 --> 00:18:35,363
Oh, only, we really wanted to see
the India Collection.

386
00:18:35,363 --> 00:18:36,643
Didn't we, ladies?

387
00:18:36,643 --> 00:18:38,323
ALL: Yes. We did. That's why we
came...

388
00:18:38,323 --> 00:18:41,763
Shhhh! It's a special bit of the
India Collection

389
00:18:41,763 --> 00:18:44,363
in Lord Anstruther's
private apartments.

390
00:18:44,363 --> 00:18:47,323
Ooh! Are we in the private
apartments?

391
00:18:47,323 --> 00:18:48,483
Yes.

392
00:18:48,483 --> 00:18:49,723
ALL CHATTER

393
00:18:49,723 --> 00:18:50,963
Chupah!

394
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,803
Does he not know we're in here?

395
00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:54,083
Yes, of course he does.

396
00:18:54,083 --> 00:18:55,883
Then, why do we have to be quiet?

397
00:18:57,843 --> 00:18:59,723
Because...

398
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,563
Because of the animals.

399
00:19:01,563 --> 00:19:02,723
What animals?

400
00:19:02,723 --> 00:19:04,443
Tigers!
ALL: Tigers!

401
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:07,523
No! Forget the tigers.
There's no tigers.

402
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:11,963
OK? Now, everyone just stay
here and be quiet. Hm?

403
00:19:13,483 --> 00:19:14,963
OK...

404
00:19:18,243 --> 00:19:19,923
What about the lota?

405
00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,683
What?
Isn't there supposed to be a lota?

406
00:19:26,683 --> 00:19:28,443
That belonged to the Shah Jahan?

407
00:19:28,443 --> 00:19:31,483
The most valuable
thing in the collection?

408
00:19:31,483 --> 00:19:33,283
Is there?

409
00:19:33,283 --> 00:19:36,443
Yes. Perhaps our guide
knows where it is?

410
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:37,763
I never touched it!

411
00:19:38,963 --> 00:19:40,843
Pardon?

412
00:19:40,843 --> 00:19:42,083
Nothing.

413
00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:45,923
Amjad, why don't you tell all the
nice ladies about the interesting
artefacts, uh?

414
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:49,243
What?
While I do the other thing.

415
00:19:49,243 --> 00:19:51,363
Oh, yes.

416
00:19:51,363 --> 00:19:55,603
Could you tell us anything
about the history of the collection?

417
00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,123
Not really.

418
00:19:59,523 --> 00:20:02,643
Right, why don't we go over here?

419
00:20:02,643 --> 00:20:06,123
Here we have a very interesting
thing.

420
00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:07,803
A suit of armour.

421
00:20:07,803 --> 00:20:10,283
Yes. A suit of armour.

422
00:20:10,283 --> 00:20:14,843
You got one armour there,
and one armour here.

423
00:20:17,203 --> 00:20:20,403
Why don't we look at some
other stuff?

424
00:20:20,403 --> 00:20:23,003
Oh. Oh, look.

425
00:20:23,003 --> 00:20:25,363
Here we have a china
doggy thing.

426
00:20:27,123 --> 00:20:30,563
And a goldy clocky thing.

427
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,723
And a silver boxy thing...

428
00:20:32,723 --> 00:20:35,003
We really wanted to see the lota.

429
00:20:35,003 --> 00:20:37,163
Well, you can't.
Why can't we?

430
00:20:39,203 --> 00:20:40,643
Why can't they?

431
00:20:40,643 --> 00:20:42,283
The zip's stuck!

432
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:46,363
It must be here somewhere.
Where would you keep a lota?

433
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,443
In the toilet?

434
00:20:48,443 --> 00:20:50,003
Brilliant!
What?

435
00:20:50,003 --> 00:20:51,763
They keep it in the toilet.

436
00:20:51,763 --> 00:20:55,923
Alongside the Shan Jahan's favourite
can of lavender air freshener.

437
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:57,563
Come on, then, ladies.

438
00:20:57,563 --> 00:20:59,163
Come on...

439
00:20:59,163 --> 00:21:01,043
That's it.

440
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:02,603
Right, give it to me.

441
00:21:04,683 --> 00:21:07,083
Come on, come on...!

442
00:21:08,723 --> 00:21:10,763
VOICES APPROACH
Sir, someone's coming!

443
00:21:10,763 --> 00:21:13,283
Oh...
I think they went this way.

444
00:21:14,883 --> 00:21:17,643
This will do.

445
00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:20,043
No, sir! I'm sorry!

446
00:21:20,043 --> 00:21:21,443
For the bag, you idiot.

447
00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:27,523
KHAN GRUNTS

448
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:32,563
Oh!

449
00:21:34,123 --> 00:21:37,763
There we are. Easy peasy.

450
00:21:37,763 --> 00:21:40,443
I can't see the lota in here.

451
00:21:40,443 --> 00:21:42,123
Amjad.

452
00:21:42,123 --> 00:21:44,003
Oh!

453
00:21:50,283 --> 00:21:52,003
Right. Right...

454
00:21:53,123 --> 00:21:55,603
CLATTER

455
00:22:03,003 --> 00:22:05,883
SMASH

456
00:22:07,923 --> 00:22:09,963
What on earth is going on?!

457
00:22:11,283 --> 00:22:12,963
(Clumsy.)

458
00:22:22,843 --> 00:22:25,403
I'm sorry you've
had your day ruined, ladies.

459
00:22:25,403 --> 00:22:29,203
We had no idea. They said
they were the official tour guides.

460
00:22:29,203 --> 00:22:30,523
Just one guide.

461
00:22:32,003 --> 00:22:34,003
Well, I'm actually just a trainee.

462
00:22:34,003 --> 00:22:37,003
Not any more.
You mean, I've passed?

463
00:22:37,003 --> 00:22:38,523
Hardly.

464
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:40,003
Oh.

465
00:22:40,003 --> 00:22:42,763
Come on, ladies, if we're quick
we can still catch the

466
00:22:42,763 --> 00:22:45,883
Afghan rug exhibition
at the Black Country Museum.

467
00:22:45,883 --> 00:22:48,043
What's going on, budhoo?

468
00:22:48,043 --> 00:22:49,723
You all need to leave. Immediately.

469
00:22:49,723 --> 00:22:51,363
What? Why?

470
00:22:51,363 --> 00:22:53,643
I scarcely know where to begin.

471
00:22:53,643 --> 00:22:55,123
Let me help you.

472
00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:58,123
You lot need to clear off before you
embarrass me in front of the mayor.

473
00:22:58,123 --> 00:23:00,243
You have to leave as well.

474
00:23:00,243 --> 00:23:02,003
Not me!

475
00:23:02,003 --> 00:23:05,123
I'm going to be rubbing the elbows at
the gala dinner tonight!

476
00:23:05,123 --> 00:23:07,363
You seriously expect me
to believe that?

477
00:23:07,363 --> 00:23:08,923
Hello, what's all this?

478
00:23:08,923 --> 00:23:11,603
Oh, nothing, Your Lordship.
These people were just leaving.

479
00:23:11,603 --> 00:23:13,763
Ah, Khan! There you are.

480
00:23:13,763 --> 00:23:15,243
Hello, lordy lordy!

481
00:23:17,243 --> 00:23:19,603
I do like your Scottish man dress.

482
00:23:19,603 --> 00:23:22,403
Yes, well,
my family were originally Scottish.

483
00:23:22,403 --> 00:23:24,083
Then, we have a lot in common.

484
00:23:24,083 --> 00:23:25,763
Hmm?
Well, I'm an immigrant, too!

485
00:23:25,763 --> 00:23:27,403
Oh, quite.

486
00:23:27,403 --> 00:23:30,043
Well, the dinner
guests will be arriving any minute.

487
00:23:30,043 --> 00:23:31,643
Oh, spliffing news, Your Worship.

488
00:23:31,643 --> 00:23:35,083
And I've put you between the mayor
and Noddy Holder.

489
00:23:35,083 --> 00:23:37,163
Perfect!

490
00:23:37,163 --> 00:23:40,043
This man is a fraudster and a vandal
Mr Khan?

491
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:42,003
I don't know what she's
talking about

492
00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:44,003
He impersonated a tour guide...

493
00:23:44,003 --> 00:23:45,123
That was him.

494
00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:47,803
Then he snuck into your private
apartments and wreaked havoc!

495
00:23:47,803 --> 00:23:50,683
What? Only because she stole the
lota! Dad!

496
00:23:50,683 --> 00:23:52,803
But it's true!
Khan...?

497
00:23:52,803 --> 00:23:55,883
Let me explain. There was
a little bit of a hullabaloo...

498
00:23:55,883 --> 00:23:57,883
But now it's all tickety-boo...

499
00:23:59,483 --> 00:24:00,963
What about the lota...?

500
00:24:00,963 --> 00:24:05,163
Don't worry. Your prized bum washer
is back where it belongs.

501
00:24:05,163 --> 00:24:07,323
Well done, again, Khan, old boy.

502
00:24:10,763 --> 00:24:12,883
Dad, are you just going
to abandon us?

503
00:24:12,883 --> 00:24:14,683
Shazia. Let's think about this.

504
00:24:14,683 --> 00:24:18,123
Go home with you or stay here
and rub my elbow on some big nobs?

505
00:24:19,843 --> 00:24:21,363
Come on, old boy.

506
00:24:21,363 --> 00:24:24,843
Why don't I give you a quick
preprandial in the billiard room?

507
00:24:27,723 --> 00:24:29,923
OK, but can we have a drink first?

508
00:24:29,923 --> 00:24:32,643
ANSTRUTHER CHUCKLES

509
00:24:32,643 --> 00:24:34,243
Off you go, then.

510
00:24:34,243 --> 00:24:37,523
Don't worry, we're going.
We don't want to stay here anyway.

511
00:24:37,523 --> 00:24:40,123
This house was built on cultural
oppression

512
00:24:40,123 --> 00:24:42,843
and the exploitation of thousands
of innocent people!

513
00:24:42,843 --> 00:24:45,763
Yeah. And your Wi-Fi's rubbish.
Just a moment.

514
00:24:45,763 --> 00:24:48,203
Oi!
What are you doing?

515
00:24:48,203 --> 00:24:50,563
I want to make sure
she hasn't got anything else.

516
00:24:50,563 --> 00:24:52,883
How dare you!
Leave her alone!

517
00:24:52,883 --> 00:24:55,203
You can't do that!
Step back, please, sir.

518
00:24:55,203 --> 00:24:59,283
Papaji!
Take your hands off the bag!

519
00:25:03,123 --> 00:25:05,043
I was talking to you.

520
00:25:07,523 --> 00:25:09,923
Is everything all right, Khan, old
chap?

521
00:25:09,923 --> 00:25:12,003
I'm afraid not, even older chap.

522
00:25:12,003 --> 00:25:15,003
This woman has been looking down her
nose at us from the start.

523
00:25:15,003 --> 00:25:17,243
Oh, I know,
she's frightful, isn't she?

524
00:25:17,243 --> 00:25:18,643
What?

525
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:23,243
So, I'm sorry, lord of the manners, I
can't come to your gala din-dins
tonight.

526
00:25:23,243 --> 00:25:25,083
We Khans have to stick together.

527
00:25:25,083 --> 00:25:27,683
Oh, are you sure
I can't persuade you to stay?

528
00:25:27,683 --> 00:25:31,523
Because Noddy is going to be
so disappointed.

529
00:25:31,523 --> 00:25:35,963
No. I'm sorry. It may be a gala
dinner full of important

530
00:25:35,963 --> 00:25:38,883
and powerful people,
but my family needs me.

531
00:25:38,883 --> 00:25:43,123
And I'd rather be with them than
with the best people in the world.

532
00:25:51,403 --> 00:25:55,083
I wanted to be a good father
to Baby Mo, show that I'm clever.

533
00:25:56,483 --> 00:25:58,803
Maybe I should buy a book on it?

534
00:25:58,803 --> 00:26:01,203
Good idea, you can
get him to read it to you.

535
00:26:03,603 --> 00:26:06,243
You're already a good father,
budhoo.

536
00:26:06,243 --> 00:26:09,363
You love him
and you'll always be there for him.

537
00:26:09,363 --> 00:26:11,963
That's all he needs. That's true.

538
00:26:11,963 --> 00:26:14,083
I wish my father had been
there for me.

539
00:26:15,803 --> 00:26:18,443
Oh...

540
00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:20,083
Here.

541
00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:22,203
Eh?

542
00:26:22,203 --> 00:26:26,363
It's an old photo.
It's all black-and-white and that.

543
00:26:26,363 --> 00:26:28,323
Lord Anstruther gave it to me.

544
00:26:28,323 --> 00:26:31,563
It looks like one of those
old tiger hunts.

545
00:26:31,563 --> 00:26:33,923
Ha. And look there.

546
00:26:33,923 --> 00:26:37,803
The man - standing
to the side, with his arm crossed.

547
00:26:41,123 --> 00:26:43,843
Is that Naani's dad?!

548
00:26:43,843 --> 00:26:45,443
Papaji!

549
00:26:45,443 --> 00:26:46,843
Oh, my God!

550
00:26:46,843 --> 00:26:49,403
Oh, my hero!

551
00:26:49,403 --> 00:26:50,803
Please. It was nothing.

552
00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:54,603
Not you.

553
00:26:54,603 --> 00:26:56,323
My daddy.

554
00:26:56,323 --> 00:27:00,483
I'm really proud of you, Dad,
you did the right thing.

555
00:27:00,483 --> 00:27:04,083
Lord Anstruther will respect
you for putting family first.

556
00:27:04,083 --> 00:27:08,163
And there will be other
chances for you to be town crier.

557
00:27:08,163 --> 00:27:10,883
You know what, Shazia, you're right.

558
00:27:10,883 --> 00:27:14,963
Now we're chummy chummy, I'll do the
chitty chatty with the lordy lordy.

559
00:27:14,963 --> 00:27:18,003
And he'll have a wordy wordy
with the mayor,

560
00:27:18,003 --> 00:27:23,083
and he'll invite us both over for a
garibaldi and a nice cup of tea!

561
00:27:24,483 --> 00:27:26,803
I don't think so, Papaji.

562
00:27:26,803 --> 00:27:28,123
Why not?

563
00:27:28,123 --> 00:27:29,883
Naani nicked his teapot.

564
00:27:31,003 --> 00:27:32,563
Heh!

565
00:27:32,563 --> 00:27:37,043
Oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi!

566
00:27:37,043 --> 00:27:39,083
CRASH