1 00:00:03,443 --> 00:00:05,923 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, 2 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:08,123 the capital of British Pakistan. 3 00:00:14,283 --> 00:00:15,603 They all know me. 4 00:00:15,603 --> 00:00:17,523 Do you like my suit? 5 00:00:17,523 --> 00:00:18,843 Number one... 6 00:00:21,603 --> 00:00:23,283 Salaam aleikum, peeps! 7 00:00:23,283 --> 00:00:26,243 Welcome to my vlog - "Alia need to know". 8 00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:29,403 I'm getting some professional photos done later, so I thought 9 00:00:29,403 --> 00:00:32,843 it would be a good chance to post a quick make-up tutorial as well. 10 00:00:32,843 --> 00:00:35,363 Hello, beti! 11 00:00:35,363 --> 00:00:37,483 Oh, hi, Papaji. 12 00:00:37,483 --> 00:00:39,083 Are you laying another log? 13 00:00:40,523 --> 00:00:42,483 I'm posting a vlog. 14 00:00:42,483 --> 00:00:43,803 Exactly. 15 00:00:43,803 --> 00:00:46,803 It's about being a good Muslim and going to the mosque 16 00:00:46,803 --> 00:00:50,403 and respecting your parents, especially your father. 17 00:00:50,403 --> 00:00:53,683 Such a good girl. Right, I'm off to the bathroom. 18 00:00:53,683 --> 00:00:56,563 Make sure no-one disturbs me, eh? Yes, Papaji. 19 00:01:01,203 --> 00:01:04,203 So, I like to use this brush to put on my eye make-up. 20 00:01:04,203 --> 00:01:07,323 I start by putting a bit on the brush, then carefully... 21 00:01:07,323 --> 00:01:09,883 LOUD THROAT CLEARING COMING FROM BATHROOM 22 00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:14,603 So you start from the side... 23 00:01:14,603 --> 00:01:16,563 MORE LOUD THROAT CLEARING 24 00:01:18,963 --> 00:01:20,363 So, you start... 25 00:01:20,363 --> 00:01:22,443 EXTENDED THROAT CLEARING 26 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,603 Ah! That's got it. 27 00:01:26,603 --> 00:01:29,003 Listen, don't take long getting ready. 28 00:01:29,003 --> 00:01:31,723 We need to make sure we get the family photo over quickly. 29 00:01:31,723 --> 00:01:34,243 I want to get a load of pictures of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo. 30 00:01:34,243 --> 00:01:37,243 Er, don't think so. I'm going to get some head shots done, 31 00:01:37,243 --> 00:01:39,603 for, like, if I want to be a model and that. 32 00:01:39,603 --> 00:01:41,763 Well, that's not happening. Yes, it is. 33 00:01:41,763 --> 00:01:44,203 I've arranged it with Mum. Papaji! 34 00:01:47,843 --> 00:01:51,803 Alia wants to use Naani's photoshoot to get loads of pictures of herself. 35 00:01:51,803 --> 00:01:55,723 Good idea. We can't get enough pictures of the beautiful daughter. 36 00:01:55,723 --> 00:01:57,563 Thanks, Papaji. 37 00:01:57,563 --> 00:02:01,123 But I want to get some of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo. 38 00:02:01,123 --> 00:02:05,563 All lying on the floor, in a line, with our legs in the air. 39 00:02:05,563 --> 00:02:06,763 I think it'd look nice. 40 00:02:06,763 --> 00:02:10,243 I think you'd look like chickens in a halal butcher's window. 41 00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:20,123 I need a strong, young man to help me. 42 00:02:22,603 --> 00:02:25,043 I need a strong, young man to help me. 43 00:02:26,643 --> 00:02:29,243 I can help you. No, you can't. Why not? 44 00:02:29,243 --> 00:02:30,923 You've got a bad back. Yes, but... 45 00:02:30,923 --> 00:02:34,883 And a bad knee and arthritis in your elbow. 46 00:02:34,883 --> 00:02:36,603 I'm still pretty fit, though. 47 00:02:36,603 --> 00:02:38,243 Haan, it's true, he is. 48 00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:40,083 You see - Naani thinks I'm fit. 49 00:02:40,083 --> 00:02:41,843 Oh, sorry, I thought you said fat. 50 00:02:43,603 --> 00:02:45,923 Ah, here he is. 51 00:02:45,923 --> 00:02:47,683 Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad. 52 00:02:47,683 --> 00:02:51,883 Vah! Look at those muscles! How do you get so strong, beta? 53 00:02:51,883 --> 00:02:53,883 I do a lot of weights in the gym. 54 00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:57,403 Plus, diet is important. I eat a lot of bananas. 55 00:02:59,203 --> 00:03:01,003 I'm just as strong as he is. 56 00:03:01,003 --> 00:03:03,043 Beta, can you help me move this screen? 57 00:03:03,043 --> 00:03:04,483 Where shall I put this? 58 00:03:04,483 --> 00:03:06,603 Here, give it to me. 59 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,843 Hai! 60 00:03:07,843 --> 00:03:09,243 What is it? 61 00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:11,443 My back's gone again! It's locked! 62 00:03:11,443 --> 00:03:13,483 Amjad, help him. OK. 63 00:03:13,483 --> 00:03:15,203 Be careful! 64 00:03:15,203 --> 00:03:19,483 Don't worry, sir. Community Support Officers are trained in first aid. 65 00:03:19,483 --> 00:03:20,923 Just try and relax. 66 00:03:20,923 --> 00:03:23,043 OK, after three. OK. 67 00:03:23,043 --> 00:03:24,563 Three! Aargh! 68 00:03:24,563 --> 00:03:26,283 Aaaargh! 69 00:03:26,283 --> 00:03:28,403 Are you OK, sir? I'm fine! 70 00:03:28,403 --> 00:03:31,243 What the flippin' twaddi's in this thing, anyway? 71 00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:33,043 It's for our family photos. 72 00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:34,683 I took a few things from the loft 73 00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:36,723 and I borrowed this from the community centre. 74 00:03:36,723 --> 00:03:38,443 Naani wants the photos taken 75 00:03:38,443 --> 00:03:41,443 and we're going to have them done properly in a studio this time. 76 00:03:41,443 --> 00:03:44,003 But I'm the man of the house, I always take the family photos. 77 00:03:44,003 --> 00:03:46,123 Yeah, but we want them to look nice. 78 00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:48,803 I took all the ones for Naani's 70th birthday. 79 00:03:48,803 --> 00:03:51,243 And she wasn't in any of them. 80 00:03:51,243 --> 00:03:52,723 I know. Perfect! 81 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,923 He looks like an old man! 82 00:03:57,923 --> 00:04:01,003 You two look like an advert for Pakistani PG Tips! 83 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,923 Hiya. Hello, beti. 84 00:04:04,923 --> 00:04:06,563 That's not for the photo, is it? 85 00:04:06,563 --> 00:04:08,243 Haan, what do you think? 86 00:04:08,243 --> 00:04:11,003 I thought we were going to have an all-white background. 87 00:04:11,003 --> 00:04:12,883 Make it look clean and modern. 88 00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:15,443 We don't want that pile of dusty old tat in it. 89 00:04:15,443 --> 00:04:17,563 I agree, but she is your grandmother. 90 00:04:19,803 --> 00:04:21,963 Where is my beautiful grandson? 91 00:04:21,963 --> 00:04:24,203 He's asleep in his pram in the hall. 92 00:04:24,203 --> 00:04:26,923 Please don't wake him up. He's been so grumpy lately. 93 00:04:26,923 --> 00:04:29,603 We can't even get him to smile at the moment. 94 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,243 Every time I say anything, he just growls. 95 00:04:32,243 --> 00:04:34,603 I know how he feels. 96 00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:36,243 Maybe he's teething. 97 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,723 It's often painful when they get new teeth, isn't it? 98 00:04:38,723 --> 00:04:40,883 Ah, I remember when Naani got her new ones. 99 00:04:40,883 --> 00:04:42,923 She left them out on the bathroom floor. 100 00:04:42,923 --> 00:04:44,923 Almost bit my bloomin' toe off! 101 00:04:44,923 --> 00:04:48,283 Do you think he'll smile for the photo? I hope so. 102 00:04:48,283 --> 00:04:51,683 It's going to be so nice! 103 00:04:51,683 --> 00:04:56,563 We haven't had a proper family photo with us and Naani and Baby Mo. 104 00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:58,843 Four generations all together. 105 00:04:58,843 --> 00:05:01,443 And who knows when we'll get another chance? 106 00:05:01,443 --> 00:05:03,163 Some of us are getting on a bit. 107 00:05:04,683 --> 00:05:06,243 Oh, right. 108 00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:08,083 Not me! 109 00:05:16,763 --> 00:05:20,323 Oh, I must get Amjad to put this blind up. 110 00:05:20,323 --> 00:05:22,283 I said I would do it. 111 00:05:22,283 --> 00:05:23,883 That was four months ago 112 00:05:23,883 --> 00:05:26,043 I'm a busy man. 113 00:05:28,803 --> 00:05:30,843 HE SLURPS 114 00:05:30,843 --> 00:05:32,803 Ahh! 115 00:05:32,803 --> 00:05:34,403 Beti, what's that? 116 00:05:34,403 --> 00:05:37,163 It's from the council, for Baby Mo's school. 117 00:05:37,163 --> 00:05:40,283 We're putting his name down for Woodfield School in Edgbaston. 118 00:05:40,283 --> 00:05:41,603 But he's only nine months old. 119 00:05:41,603 --> 00:05:43,803 You have to get their names down early, Mum. 120 00:05:43,803 --> 00:05:45,603 It's the best school in Birmingham. 121 00:05:45,603 --> 00:05:47,723 Excellent. They've got a very good cricket team. 122 00:05:47,723 --> 00:05:49,283 He'll end up playing for England! 123 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:51,403 I thought you wanted him to play for Pakistan. 124 00:05:51,403 --> 00:05:54,563 Beti! The England team will all BE Pakistani by then. 125 00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:58,243 So, will he get in? 126 00:05:58,243 --> 00:06:00,683 I don't know. They've got a huge waiting list. 127 00:06:00,683 --> 00:06:03,683 And we're not even in the catchment area. Then move. 128 00:06:03,683 --> 00:06:05,923 We can't afford to move to Edgbaston. 129 00:06:05,923 --> 00:06:08,883 Then lie. Cheat. Steal someone else's place. 130 00:06:08,883 --> 00:06:11,003 This is what responsible parents do. 131 00:06:12,483 --> 00:06:16,323 Dad! Chup! You don't understand. This is how the world works. 132 00:06:16,323 --> 00:06:18,003 Leave it to me. I'll sort it out. 133 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,523 No. I don't want you getting involved. 134 00:06:20,523 --> 00:06:23,403 If you try and cheat, they'll find out and then he'll never get in. 135 00:06:23,403 --> 00:06:26,683 Everyone cheats. It's just, we Pakistanis do it better. 136 00:06:27,923 --> 00:06:31,243 Please, Dad, don't.... Chup! I'm the king of this castle. 137 00:06:31,243 --> 00:06:33,883 Just stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. 138 00:06:33,883 --> 00:06:36,523 Why doesn't anyone let me do anything around here? 139 00:06:36,523 --> 00:06:39,603 I'll get Amjad to put the form in and we'll keep our fingers crossed. 140 00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:43,363 Haan, Amjad will do it, just like he's going to sort out my blind. 141 00:06:43,363 --> 00:06:44,883 Amjad! 142 00:06:44,883 --> 00:06:46,843 MOCKINGLY: Amjad! Amjad! 143 00:06:46,843 --> 00:06:48,683 I said I would do it! 144 00:06:50,683 --> 00:06:53,443 What are you doing? Get down. 145 00:06:53,443 --> 00:06:55,243 Stop fussing. 146 00:06:55,243 --> 00:06:57,603 Dad! Be careful! 147 00:06:57,603 --> 00:06:59,243 Take the nets down. Chup! 148 00:07:00,323 --> 00:07:01,723 Ahh! 149 00:07:01,723 --> 00:07:03,723 Oh, God. OK, it's OK, don't worry. 150 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,323 HE MUTTERS 151 00:07:05,323 --> 00:07:07,643 There we go. Look, that's it. 152 00:07:07,643 --> 00:07:09,123 Now, this side... 153 00:07:09,123 --> 00:07:10,803 CRACKING Hai! 154 00:07:10,803 --> 00:07:12,363 Mera back! 155 00:07:12,363 --> 00:07:14,403 Oh, no! Amjad! 156 00:07:14,403 --> 00:07:16,283 What? No-o-o-o! 157 00:07:17,723 --> 00:07:19,683 Oh, my God! 158 00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:21,523 Did you want me for something? 159 00:07:21,523 --> 00:07:23,923 It's OK. Dad's sorted it. 160 00:07:34,123 --> 00:07:36,923 Mrs Khan made me get this from the community centre 161 00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:39,843 and now Shazia's making me take it back to the community centre. 162 00:07:39,843 --> 00:07:42,363 I don't know why we have to go to all this trouble 163 00:07:42,363 --> 00:07:43,683 just for a photo, sir. 164 00:07:43,683 --> 00:07:45,763 Because it's for our wives, Amjad. 165 00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:47,883 We married men have to support our wives 166 00:07:47,883 --> 00:07:49,803 in all their hopes and aspirations. 167 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,243 If not... They'll feel emotionally unfulfilled? 168 00:07:52,243 --> 00:07:55,323 They'll be like a foghorn in your ear till the day you die. 169 00:07:55,323 --> 00:07:58,483 You've gathered so much wisdom in your long life, sir. 170 00:07:58,483 --> 00:08:00,123 It's not that long. 171 00:08:00,123 --> 00:08:03,883 You're such a great role model for younger people. That's true. 172 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:07,483 Like I always say - if you do as I do, you won't go far wrong. 173 00:08:07,483 --> 00:08:10,963 BOTH: Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum assalam, Riaz. 174 00:08:10,963 --> 00:08:12,603 Hello, Dave. 175 00:08:12,603 --> 00:08:14,883 Salaam aleikum, Amjad. 176 00:08:14,883 --> 00:08:16,323 Hello, Dave. 177 00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:20,523 How's things at home? 178 00:08:20,523 --> 00:08:23,203 Not so good. My wife's not an easy woman to live with. 179 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,563 So people tell me. 180 00:08:26,203 --> 00:08:29,203 What's all this? Oh, it's for later on. 181 00:08:29,203 --> 00:08:31,563 The council are using the hall for a job interview. 182 00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:34,803 What's the job? Noddy need new bus driver? 183 00:08:34,803 --> 00:08:37,963 There's a vacancy for a road patrol and child safety officer 184 00:08:37,963 --> 00:08:39,723 in Edgbaston on Woodfield Lane. 185 00:08:39,723 --> 00:08:42,643 A road patrol and child safety officer? That's right. 186 00:08:42,643 --> 00:08:44,243 Isn't that a lollipop man? 187 00:08:44,243 --> 00:08:46,763 They don't like to use that sort of terminology these days. 188 00:08:46,763 --> 00:08:50,403 It's seen as trivialising what is, after all, a very responsible position. 189 00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:52,403 Do you have to carry a lollipop? 190 00:08:52,403 --> 00:08:54,083 Yes. 191 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,923 Lollipop! It's a funny word! 192 00:08:57,923 --> 00:08:59,803 It IS a funny word. 193 00:08:59,803 --> 00:09:02,083 Lollipop! THEY BOTH GIGGLE 194 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:06,083 Imagine being a lollipop man. What kind of loser would do that? 195 00:09:06,083 --> 00:09:07,723 THEY BOTH GIGGLE 196 00:09:07,723 --> 00:09:10,403 I would. What? I'm going to apply. 197 00:09:10,403 --> 00:09:12,643 What time are the interviews? Later today, but... 198 00:09:12,643 --> 00:09:14,763 Why do you want to be a lollipop man, sir? 199 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,403 I don't. But you just said that... 200 00:09:16,403 --> 00:09:18,603 You see, Amjad, this is the difference 201 00:09:18,603 --> 00:09:20,283 between me and the rest of you. 202 00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:23,723 Dave here talks about a lollipop man on Woodfield Road 203 00:09:23,723 --> 00:09:26,923 and all you can do is giggle about the word "lollipop". 204 00:09:26,923 --> 00:09:29,763 HE LAUGHS Stop saying it! 205 00:09:29,763 --> 00:09:32,923 Whereas I hear the word "opportunity". 206 00:09:32,923 --> 00:09:34,843 He didn't say "opportunity", did he? 207 00:09:34,843 --> 00:09:36,723 Not literally, you idiot. 208 00:09:37,763 --> 00:09:41,563 Look, think about it. A lollipop man in Edgbaston. 209 00:09:41,563 --> 00:09:43,363 Right... On Woodfield Road. 210 00:09:43,363 --> 00:09:46,363 Right. And which school is on Woodfield Road? 211 00:09:46,363 --> 00:09:48,083 Woodfield School? 212 00:09:48,083 --> 00:09:51,083 So, whoever gets the job will become the lollipop man for... 213 00:09:51,083 --> 00:09:52,763 Woodfield School! 214 00:09:52,763 --> 00:09:54,203 There you go. 215 00:09:54,203 --> 00:09:56,163 I still don't follow you. Ohh... 216 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,643 That's because he hasn't got his lollipop yet! 217 00:09:59,883 --> 00:10:01,043 Oh, right 218 00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:05,643 Look, Amjad, we want Baby Mo to get into Woodfield School, right? 219 00:10:05,643 --> 00:10:07,043 Right. 220 00:10:07,043 --> 00:10:09,243 So, I become the lollipop man, 221 00:10:09,243 --> 00:10:12,843 do the mingling and the shingling with the headmaster. 222 00:10:12,843 --> 00:10:13,923 Hey presto! 223 00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:16,363 Mr Khan's your grandad and Baby Mo's got his place. 224 00:10:16,363 --> 00:10:19,523 That's brilliant, sir! Shazia's going to be so happy. 225 00:10:19,523 --> 00:10:22,443 Oh, wait, she said she didn't want you to get involved. 226 00:10:22,443 --> 00:10:24,083 Then we won't tell her. 227 00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:27,123 Once it's all sorted, she'll be happy as Barry. 228 00:10:27,123 --> 00:10:30,443 I don't know, sir. It all sounds a bit dodgy. 229 00:10:30,443 --> 00:10:32,163 Amjad, there is nothing dodgy 230 00:10:32,163 --> 00:10:35,323 about a grown man hanging around outside a school with a lollipop. 231 00:10:36,763 --> 00:10:38,403 DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT 232 00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:40,763 Hang on a minute. You can't be sure you'll get the job. 233 00:10:40,763 --> 00:10:43,283 It's a lollipop man's job - I think I'll be OK. 234 00:10:43,283 --> 00:10:46,003 Have you got any experience of being a lollipop... 235 00:10:46,003 --> 00:10:48,243 a road patrol and child safety officer? 236 00:10:48,243 --> 00:10:49,923 I can cross the road. 237 00:10:49,923 --> 00:10:52,683 It's not just crossing the road. There's a lot more to it. 238 00:10:52,683 --> 00:10:55,483 How do you know? I'm involved in the interview process. 239 00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:57,443 As what? I'm the impartial observer. 240 00:10:57,443 --> 00:11:00,683 I'm there to make sure the process is completely fair and unbiased. 241 00:11:00,683 --> 00:11:03,243 Perfect! You can make sure I get it. 242 00:11:03,243 --> 00:11:07,123 Yeah, that's not really how an impartial observer works. 243 00:11:07,123 --> 00:11:09,843 Well, it doesn't matter. It's only a lollipop man's interview. 244 00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,323 How hard can it be? 245 00:11:11,323 --> 00:11:14,043 Especially for someone as young and as fit as I am. 246 00:11:14,043 --> 00:11:16,963 If anything, I might be too young. What do you mean? 247 00:11:16,963 --> 00:11:20,483 Well, usually, these lollipoppies are oldies, aren't they? 248 00:11:20,483 --> 00:11:22,523 I hope they don't hold it against me. 249 00:11:22,523 --> 00:11:25,803 Ooh! You see? This is what I was trying to tell you, Mr Khan. 250 00:11:25,803 --> 00:11:28,363 Nowadays, these jobs are a lot more demanding. 251 00:11:28,363 --> 00:11:31,043 There's traffic management, first aid. 252 00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:32,603 And the council has an obligation 253 00:11:32,603 --> 00:11:34,643 to make sure all candidates are physically fit. 254 00:11:34,643 --> 00:11:36,123 I AM physically fit. 255 00:11:36,123 --> 00:11:38,163 What about your back? Apart from that. 256 00:11:38,163 --> 00:11:40,203 And your knee, and your elbow... Look! 257 00:11:40,203 --> 00:11:41,763 I might have a few aches and pains, 258 00:11:41,763 --> 00:11:43,803 but I think I can get through an interview 259 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:45,883 and a few questions on the Highway Code. 260 00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:47,563 And a fitness test. 261 00:11:47,563 --> 00:11:49,563 Oh, twaddi! 262 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,083 MUSIC: Rocky theme 263 00:12:08,403 --> 00:12:10,283 Steady... Go! 264 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,443 You're doing it! Yes! 265 00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:21,523 SQUELCH! 266 00:12:25,803 --> 00:12:28,003 ..49, 50. 267 00:12:32,483 --> 00:12:34,163 Baby Mohammad! 268 00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:36,363 CRACKING Hai! Oh! 269 00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:44,603 This is how I do my hijab. 270 00:12:44,603 --> 00:12:47,323 BABY MO CRIES 271 00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:50,283 Oh, my days! What's going on? 272 00:12:50,283 --> 00:12:52,443 Mum and Naani are trying to cheer him up. 273 00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:54,363 It's not working. 274 00:12:54,363 --> 00:12:57,003 Really? Maybe you shouldn't come to the studio. 275 00:12:57,003 --> 00:12:59,083 Naani won't want pictures of a miserable baby. 276 00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:02,483 Well, she doesn't want 500 versions of you doing your pouty face either. 277 00:13:02,483 --> 00:13:05,203 I have to get my pictures done. No way! 278 00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:09,323 We'll ask Naani. Fine. 279 00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:11,083 Naanijaan? Haan. 280 00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,803 Can I use the photoshoot to get some pictures for my website? Haan. 281 00:13:14,803 --> 00:13:18,083 But I want to get some of just me and Amjad with Baby Mohammad. 282 00:13:18,083 --> 00:13:20,923 SHE SPEAKS URDU We can't both do it. 283 00:13:20,923 --> 00:13:22,723 You must have what you want. 284 00:13:22,723 --> 00:13:25,083 But then there won't be time to do the big family photo. 285 00:13:25,083 --> 00:13:28,963 No matter. Don't you want to have a picture with us all in? Haan. 286 00:13:28,963 --> 00:13:30,803 You with Baby Mo. Haan. 287 00:13:30,803 --> 00:13:32,803 Me and Alia. Haan. 288 00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:34,003 Mum. Haan. 289 00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:35,963 And Dad. Heh! 290 00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:40,443 As long as I have you young people. 291 00:13:40,443 --> 00:13:43,563 What about you, Naani? You have to be in it. 292 00:13:43,563 --> 00:13:47,763 Nahin. Who wants to see a picture of me with my old wrinkly face? 293 00:13:47,763 --> 00:13:49,043 BOTH: We do! 294 00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:53,203 And your face isn't wrinkly. No. It's beautiful. 295 00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:56,403 You do your shots. Forget about mine. 296 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,963 No, you do yours. It's fine. 297 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,963 Maybe if we're quick, we can do them both. Yes. Definitely. 298 00:14:05,043 --> 00:14:07,443 So, is your vlog really popular? 299 00:14:07,443 --> 00:14:09,123 Some of it. 300 00:14:09,123 --> 00:14:13,843 I got 200 views for my make-up tips, 300 for my hijab tips, 301 00:14:13,843 --> 00:14:16,923 and 10,000 for the one where Dad walks past in his underpants. 302 00:14:18,243 --> 00:14:19,963 NO SOUND FROM LAPTOP 303 00:14:27,923 --> 00:14:31,683 This is it, Amjad. I'm fighting fit and raring to go. 304 00:14:32,843 --> 00:14:35,283 Riaz! What are you doing here? 305 00:14:35,283 --> 00:14:38,083 I'm here for the lollipop man job. What? Why? 306 00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,683 You made it sound like a very attractive career move. 307 00:14:40,683 --> 00:14:42,363 Not for you! 308 00:14:44,403 --> 00:14:45,643 Ohh! 309 00:14:45,643 --> 00:14:46,723 Ah! 310 00:14:46,723 --> 00:14:48,763 Look at those three blokes over there. 311 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:51,723 I'll make a better lollipop man than any of them. 312 00:14:51,723 --> 00:14:54,043 Have you ever done anything like this before, sir? 313 00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:56,403 Once, back in Pakistan. 314 00:14:56,403 --> 00:15:00,603 I used to drive the village bus. I had a very good safety record. 315 00:15:00,603 --> 00:15:01,843 No accidents? 316 00:15:01,843 --> 00:15:04,083 No. Just one near miss. 317 00:15:04,083 --> 00:15:08,443 We were going along a very tricky dirt road in Rawalpindi. 318 00:15:08,443 --> 00:15:13,243 It was very hot and dusty. Visibility was down to a few metres. 319 00:15:13,243 --> 00:15:16,123 Suddenly, we turned a corner and I was faced with a low bridge. 320 00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:17,523 Oh, no! 321 00:15:17,523 --> 00:15:20,763 It was too late to turn back, so I put my foot down and went for it. 322 00:15:20,763 --> 00:15:22,163 What happened? 323 00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:25,523 We made it, with just a few inches to spare! 324 00:15:25,523 --> 00:15:27,123 So, everyone was OK? 325 00:15:27,123 --> 00:15:28,163 Yes. 326 00:15:28,163 --> 00:15:30,203 Apart from the ones on the roof. 327 00:15:31,603 --> 00:15:33,123 What? 328 00:15:33,123 --> 00:15:35,803 Second class tickets - you get what you pay for. 329 00:15:37,043 --> 00:15:39,723 This interview is going to be a piece of cake. 330 00:15:39,723 --> 00:15:43,563 Are you good at interviews, sir? Of course I am! 331 00:15:43,563 --> 00:15:46,243 What's the one thing you need to remember for interviews? 332 00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:47,523 Your name. 333 00:15:47,523 --> 00:15:50,163 No! Make sure your flies are done up. 334 00:15:51,363 --> 00:15:52,763 Are my flies done up? 335 00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:01,923 No. 336 00:16:01,923 --> 00:16:03,283 Oops! 337 00:16:03,283 --> 00:16:05,723 We don't want anyone looking in there, do we? 338 00:16:05,723 --> 00:16:06,963 No, sir. 339 00:16:06,963 --> 00:16:09,243 Hello there. ALL: Hello. 340 00:16:09,243 --> 00:16:11,363 Assalam aleikum! 341 00:16:11,363 --> 00:16:15,003 You're all here for the child safety support officer position? 342 00:16:15,003 --> 00:16:17,723 That's right. All present and correct. 343 00:16:17,723 --> 00:16:18,923 Flies done up. 344 00:16:20,363 --> 00:16:21,723 Mr Khan, is it? 345 00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:25,523 That's right. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge. 346 00:16:25,523 --> 00:16:30,523 Right, well, I'd like to formally welcome you all, and to say that 347 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:34,363 Sparkhill Borough Council is an equal opportunities employer. 348 00:16:34,363 --> 00:16:35,923 Bingo! We're in! 349 00:16:37,123 --> 00:16:40,043 We welcome all applications regardless of race, colour, 350 00:16:40,043 --> 00:16:42,083 nationality, religious beliefs... 351 00:16:42,083 --> 00:16:44,563 Cheerio! 352 00:16:44,563 --> 00:16:46,483 ..and gender. 353 00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:47,643 Blimey! 354 00:16:49,363 --> 00:16:51,243 Looks like we've got competition. 355 00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:54,323 But if I've only got her/him to beat, we're laughing! 356 00:16:55,603 --> 00:16:57,603 Good luck, sir! 357 00:16:57,603 --> 00:16:59,923 Right, well, if you'd like to follow me. 358 00:17:01,443 --> 00:17:04,563 Mr Khan, I'm not sure what you're trying to do is entirely ethical. 359 00:17:04,563 --> 00:17:07,243 MOCKING, WHINEY VOICE: "I'm not sure what you're trying to do 360 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:08,723 "is entirely ethical." 361 00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:10,883 Listen, Dave, I need to do this. 362 00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:12,323 I'm the head of the household. 363 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,483 I need to show that I'm still in charge, 364 00:17:14,483 --> 00:17:16,363 that I'm still king of my castle. 365 00:17:16,363 --> 00:17:18,803 Otherwise, I'll become some sad loser 366 00:17:18,803 --> 00:17:21,803 that everyone just ignores or laughs at. 367 00:17:21,803 --> 00:17:23,843 You know what I'm talking about, don't you? 368 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,883 What, because I'm king of my castle, too? 369 00:17:25,883 --> 00:17:28,763 No, Dave, because you're a ginger. 370 00:17:34,963 --> 00:17:36,083 OK. 371 00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:39,323 First, we're going to run through basic road traffic awareness. 372 00:17:39,323 --> 00:17:42,923 Mr Khan, would you show us your road crossing technique? 373 00:17:44,643 --> 00:17:46,563 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 374 00:17:47,723 --> 00:17:50,763 Neee-ooow! 375 00:17:50,763 --> 00:17:53,443 Neee-ooow! 376 00:17:53,443 --> 00:17:55,403 Nee... Urrrgh! 377 00:17:55,403 --> 00:17:57,643 HE MUTTERS 378 00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:02,443 That's not how you cross the road. 379 00:18:02,443 --> 00:18:04,483 It is in Sparkhill! 380 00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:06,483 You wait for a break in traffic 381 00:18:06,483 --> 00:18:10,723 and you walk slowly to the middle of the crossing and stop. 382 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:13,323 Now, does anyone know what this technique is called? 383 00:18:13,323 --> 00:18:14,643 Suicide? 384 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,643 Partial crossing. 385 00:18:17,643 --> 00:18:20,603 This allows the cars to see you and to slow down to a halt. 386 00:18:20,603 --> 00:18:23,043 They won't see you round here. Why not? 387 00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:26,523 Lots of Bangladeshis, they can't see over the wheel. 388 00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:29,483 We don't condone any kind of racist stereotyping. 389 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,723 It's not racist! They're just a little bit teeny tiny. 390 00:18:32,723 --> 00:18:35,163 Mr Khan! I'm listening. 391 00:18:35,163 --> 00:18:37,563 Fitness is also important. 392 00:18:37,563 --> 00:18:40,083 Crossing users may require physical assistance. 393 00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:42,123 I'm stronger than that lot. 394 00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:47,323 Now, I have a dummy to demonstrate. 395 00:18:47,323 --> 00:18:49,243 Right, is it the one in the middle? 396 00:18:52,603 --> 00:18:54,163 Oh, I see. 397 00:18:54,163 --> 00:18:56,643 Yeah, now, these things are incredibly expensive 398 00:18:56,643 --> 00:18:59,723 and I'd appreciate it if you would treat them very, very gently, 399 00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:00,963 Yes, be careful! 400 00:19:01,963 --> 00:19:03,123 Carry on. 401 00:19:03,123 --> 00:19:04,483 OK. 402 00:19:04,483 --> 00:19:08,363 Let's suppose our child is on his way to school... 403 00:19:08,363 --> 00:19:11,723 Hang on. How old is he supposed to be? What? 404 00:19:11,723 --> 00:19:14,163 He's looks a bit well developed for primary school. 405 00:19:14,163 --> 00:19:15,963 Mind you, my cousin Farooq 406 00:19:15,963 --> 00:19:19,323 had a fully grown beard by the time he was seven. 407 00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:22,043 Obviously, you have to use your imagination. 408 00:19:22,043 --> 00:19:24,923 No problem. So, our child is on his way to school... 409 00:19:24,923 --> 00:19:27,883 Woodfield School? What? Is it Woodfield School? 410 00:19:27,883 --> 00:19:30,363 Doesn't matter what school. Yes, it bloomin' does! 411 00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:31,883 OK, it's Woodfield School. 412 00:19:31,883 --> 00:19:34,243 Great! You see, Dave? I told you it would work. 413 00:19:34,243 --> 00:19:35,963 I'm an impartial observer. 414 00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:37,763 Whatever! 415 00:19:37,763 --> 00:19:41,123 OK, now, let's imagine you're on duty 416 00:19:41,123 --> 00:19:43,563 and our child needs to use the crossing. 417 00:19:47,363 --> 00:19:50,803 Oh! He's dropped his bag in the middle of the road. 418 00:19:50,803 --> 00:19:53,963 There's books and pens everywhere! What are you going to do? 419 00:19:53,963 --> 00:19:57,723 Ah, Mr Simpson, how are you? That is a lovely suit! 420 00:19:57,723 --> 00:19:59,963 Hm? Ha-ha-ha, that's very funny! 421 00:19:59,963 --> 00:20:01,323 Mr Khan! 422 00:20:01,323 --> 00:20:04,803 I'm talking to the headmaster. What? 423 00:20:04,803 --> 00:20:08,043 He's about to give my grandson a place at the school. 424 00:20:08,043 --> 00:20:09,483 There's no-one there! 425 00:20:09,483 --> 00:20:11,683 You said to use your imagination! 426 00:20:11,683 --> 00:20:14,883 This child is in a hazardous situation. 427 00:20:14,883 --> 00:20:17,323 You need to get him to safety as quickly as possible. 428 00:20:17,323 --> 00:20:18,803 Fine! Off you go, sonny. 429 00:20:24,003 --> 00:20:25,563 Don't worry. I'll fix it. 430 00:20:28,123 --> 00:20:30,923 Right, I...I really think we should move on. 431 00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:35,203 Anger management is an essential skill for the child's safety... 432 00:20:35,203 --> 00:20:38,003 CRASHING It's OK, I've almost got it. 433 00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:40,363 Anger management is an essential... 434 00:20:40,363 --> 00:20:43,283 It's an essential skill... MORE CRASHING AND SQUEAKING 435 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,723 ..for the child safety... It's OK, I'm almost there. 436 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,083 Anger management... Ah, nearly had it! 437 00:20:49,083 --> 00:20:50,483 Leave it! 438 00:20:52,963 --> 00:20:54,763 Please. 439 00:20:54,763 --> 00:20:56,523 Just leave it. 440 00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:12,243 Road rage incidents are becoming increasingly common. 441 00:21:12,243 --> 00:21:15,963 You might have to diffuse situations with difficult drivers. 442 00:21:15,963 --> 00:21:19,363 So, um, Yvonne, if you'd like to be the driver, and... 443 00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:20,803 Me! 444 00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:31,043 Right. So, Yvonne is at the crossing and she's getting irritated. 445 00:21:31,043 --> 00:21:32,363 Beep, beep! 446 00:21:33,723 --> 00:21:36,083 Beep, beep. Hurry up! 447 00:21:36,083 --> 00:21:38,003 All right, calm down, my darling! 448 00:21:38,003 --> 00:21:39,763 Don't call me darling. 449 00:21:39,763 --> 00:21:42,563 Yes. You absolutely must not use sexist language. 450 00:21:42,563 --> 00:21:46,323 I'm not being sexist. It's patronising and demeaning to women. 451 00:21:46,323 --> 00:21:48,603 Oh, right. Sorry, sweetheart. 452 00:21:48,603 --> 00:21:51,323 What? We are very sorry. 453 00:21:51,323 --> 00:21:54,563 Forget it. It's a generational thing. He's old, so... 454 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,443 I'm not old! 455 00:21:56,443 --> 00:22:01,203 Right, I really think it's time for somebody else to have a turn. 456 00:22:01,203 --> 00:22:04,443 Get off my lollipop! Get off it! 457 00:22:17,883 --> 00:22:20,643 OK, so this is the final part of the test. 458 00:22:20,643 --> 00:22:22,763 It's practical, so we can throw anything at you 459 00:22:22,763 --> 00:22:24,163 to see how you'll cope. 460 00:22:24,163 --> 00:22:25,763 Who wants to go first? 461 00:22:25,763 --> 00:22:27,403 THROAT CLEARS 462 00:22:29,483 --> 00:22:31,043 Mr Khan. 463 00:22:31,043 --> 00:22:32,843 I'm ready! 464 00:22:32,843 --> 00:22:34,803 Right, well, off you go. 465 00:22:34,803 --> 00:22:36,683 ENGINE STARTS 466 00:22:42,323 --> 00:22:44,363 Stop! Children! TYRES SCREECH 467 00:22:47,723 --> 00:22:50,523 Come on, go on! 468 00:22:50,523 --> 00:22:53,683 Oh, no! One of the children has fallen over. 469 00:22:53,683 --> 00:22:57,203 Now, please be careful with the dummy. Chillax. 470 00:22:58,643 --> 00:23:00,683 Hai! Mera knee! 471 00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:03,403 No, no, no. You shouldn't move the victim. 472 00:23:03,403 --> 00:23:05,163 I can't get down there! 473 00:23:05,163 --> 00:23:06,723 HORN TOOTS 474 00:23:06,723 --> 00:23:10,243 Keep your hair on, Riaz, I've got an injured child in the road! 475 00:23:10,243 --> 00:23:13,403 I'm late for work. I've got an important meeting with a client. 476 00:23:13,403 --> 00:23:17,323 You're a funeral director. It's not as if he's going anywhere! 477 00:23:18,643 --> 00:23:19,843 HORN TOOTS 478 00:23:21,283 --> 00:23:22,763 Here, hold this. 479 00:23:22,763 --> 00:23:25,283 HORN TOOTS 480 00:23:25,283 --> 00:23:27,643 Agh! 481 00:23:27,643 --> 00:23:30,563 Riaz, stop tooting. You're supposed to be on my side. 482 00:23:30,563 --> 00:23:32,203 I'm trying to make it realistic. 483 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:35,603 And you should be looking after the casualty. OK, fine. 484 00:23:35,603 --> 00:23:36,963 CRACKING 485 00:23:36,963 --> 00:23:39,483 Well, go on, then. 486 00:23:39,483 --> 00:23:41,323 I can't. Why not? 487 00:23:41,323 --> 00:23:44,083 My back's gone again! I can't move. 488 00:23:44,083 --> 00:23:46,683 Don't worry. You stay where you are. I'll move. 489 00:23:46,683 --> 00:23:47,963 What? 490 00:23:47,963 --> 00:23:49,243 Mr Khan! 491 00:23:49,243 --> 00:23:51,603 Hold on! 492 00:23:51,603 --> 00:23:55,803 Right, just try reversing a bit. It might free it up. 493 00:23:55,803 --> 00:23:57,483 OK. 494 00:23:57,483 --> 00:24:00,683 Aaargh! Slow down! Slow down! 495 00:24:00,683 --> 00:24:02,963 It's not Police! Camera! Action! 496 00:24:02,963 --> 00:24:04,163 Hai! Hai! 497 00:24:04,163 --> 00:24:05,643 HE YELPS IN PAIN 498 00:24:05,643 --> 00:24:07,363 TYRES SCREECH 499 00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:09,603 Argh! Right, go forward! 500 00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:13,883 HE GROANS IN AGONY 501 00:24:23,603 --> 00:24:26,163 Stop the car, stop the car! 502 00:24:26,163 --> 00:24:27,963 Stop the car! 503 00:24:27,963 --> 00:24:29,443 Where are you going? 504 00:24:29,443 --> 00:24:30,923 I forgot to get the milk. 505 00:24:37,963 --> 00:24:40,803 Is he smiling yet? No. I've tried everything. 506 00:24:40,803 --> 00:24:42,923 Well, try harder. I'm not having family photos 507 00:24:42,923 --> 00:24:46,003 with him looking like someone's just run over Iggle Piggle. 508 00:24:46,003 --> 00:24:47,963 OK. 509 00:24:47,963 --> 00:24:51,203 # There's a worm at the bottom of the garden 510 00:24:51,203 --> 00:24:55,123 # And his name is Wiggley Woo..." 511 00:24:55,123 --> 00:24:56,683 HE TOOTS INSTRUMENT 512 00:24:56,683 --> 00:24:59,603 BABY MO CRIES 513 00:24:59,603 --> 00:25:02,563 So, I'll say, "One, two, three, jump!" 514 00:25:02,563 --> 00:25:04,803 and we all jump up and he takes the picture. 515 00:25:04,803 --> 00:25:06,603 Like that. 516 00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:08,363 SHE SPEAKS URDU 517 00:25:08,363 --> 00:25:10,403 I haven't jumped since 1973. 518 00:25:11,963 --> 00:25:14,443 And don't forget your father's got a bad back. 519 00:25:14,443 --> 00:25:16,883 Where is he, anyway? We've only got the studio for an hour. 520 00:25:16,883 --> 00:25:17,923 DOOR SLAMS 521 00:25:17,923 --> 00:25:21,123 Papaji! Where've you been? 522 00:25:21,123 --> 00:25:24,803 He's been at the community centre, haven't you, sir? No. 523 00:25:24,803 --> 00:25:27,203 It's all right, you can tell them now you've got the job! 524 00:25:27,203 --> 00:25:29,123 Quiet, Amjad! What have you done? 525 00:25:29,123 --> 00:25:31,003 He got the job at Woodfield School 526 00:25:31,003 --> 00:25:33,683 so he can get the shingles with the headmaster! 527 00:25:34,763 --> 00:25:36,323 I told you not to do that! 528 00:25:36,323 --> 00:25:38,443 She told you not to do that! 529 00:25:38,443 --> 00:25:40,363 Heh! Idiot! 530 00:25:40,363 --> 00:25:43,243 Did you know about this? Yes. 531 00:25:43,243 --> 00:25:45,843 But it's all going to work out fine and you'll be happy. 532 00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:48,283 Tell them, sir. I can't. 533 00:25:48,283 --> 00:25:49,843 What do you mean? 534 00:25:49,843 --> 00:25:52,283 I didn't get the job. What? 535 00:25:52,283 --> 00:25:55,163 In fact, they banned me from going near the school. 536 00:25:56,323 --> 00:25:57,923 But Baby Mo can still go. 537 00:25:57,923 --> 00:25:59,603 No, they banned him as well. 538 00:26:00,923 --> 00:26:04,043 In fact, they banned the whole family. Oh, my God! 539 00:26:04,043 --> 00:26:05,763 What happened, Papaji? 540 00:26:05,763 --> 00:26:08,563 I don't want to talk about it. But you hurt your back! 541 00:26:08,563 --> 00:26:10,123 I don't want to think about it. 542 00:26:10,123 --> 00:26:12,283 Well, you'd just better straighten yourself out. 543 00:26:12,283 --> 00:26:15,443 We're practising our poses for the photos. I don't want to be in it. 544 00:26:15,443 --> 00:26:19,323 Papaji! It's a family photo. We need the whole family. 545 00:26:19,323 --> 00:26:23,643 This family doesn't need me any more. You go ahead without me. 546 00:26:24,843 --> 00:26:27,003 Don't be like that. 547 00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:28,803 I'll only ruin it. 548 00:26:28,803 --> 00:26:30,403 I'm too old. 549 00:26:30,403 --> 00:26:32,363 No-one thinks you're old. 550 00:26:32,363 --> 00:26:35,363 And I'm too fat. No-one thinks you're fat. 551 00:26:35,363 --> 00:26:36,683 I do. 552 00:26:38,523 --> 00:26:42,803 I'm too old and I'm too fat and I'm no use to anyone any more. 553 00:26:42,803 --> 00:26:44,283 That's not true. 554 00:26:44,283 --> 00:26:48,083 It is true! I couldn't even put the poxy blinds up. 555 00:26:48,083 --> 00:26:51,563 Now you're just being silly. Am I? Am I? 556 00:26:51,563 --> 00:26:53,483 I'm Mr Khan. 557 00:26:53,483 --> 00:26:55,243 Man of the house. 558 00:26:55,243 --> 00:26:57,763 I'm supposed to provide for my family. 559 00:26:57,763 --> 00:27:01,283 But look at me! Back hurts. Leg hurts. 560 00:27:01,283 --> 00:27:03,443 I've got grey hairs in beard. 561 00:27:03,443 --> 00:27:06,243 And I can't even get my own grandson into his school, 562 00:27:06,243 --> 00:27:09,443 because I'm too bloomin' old and too bloomin' fat 563 00:27:09,443 --> 00:27:11,643 to be a bloomin' lollipop man! 564 00:27:12,643 --> 00:27:17,403 You might as well take me out the back and shoot me! 565 00:27:18,723 --> 00:27:20,803 BABY MO GIGGLES 566 00:27:20,803 --> 00:27:22,123 Oh, my God! 567 00:27:22,123 --> 00:27:25,283 You see? Even the boy's laughing at me. 568 00:27:25,283 --> 00:27:28,443 I can't believe it! He's laughing. BABY MO LAUGHS 569 00:27:28,443 --> 00:27:31,323 How did you do that? Do what? 570 00:27:31,323 --> 00:27:34,443 He hasn't smiled all day, sir. Nobody could make him smile. 571 00:27:34,443 --> 00:27:36,683 He always smiles for me. 572 00:27:36,683 --> 00:27:39,083 Ah, there! You see? Hm? 573 00:27:39,083 --> 00:27:41,203 There's something you can do for your grandson 574 00:27:41,203 --> 00:27:43,003 that no-one else can do. 575 00:27:44,003 --> 00:27:46,803 Ah, come here, little man. 576 00:27:46,803 --> 00:27:49,563 You always smile for me, don't you? 577 00:27:49,563 --> 00:27:52,123 Yes, you do. Yes, you do! 578 00:27:52,123 --> 00:27:54,163 CRACKING Hai! 579 00:27:54,163 --> 00:27:55,803 Mera back! Hai! 580 00:27:55,803 --> 00:27:57,403 Quick, take the photos!