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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -

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the capital of British Pakistan.

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They all know me.

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He likes my suit.

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LAUGHTER

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Number one, Citizen Khan.

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Pride of Birmingham Awards 2015.

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Entry for Mr Khan, Community Leader.

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WHISPERING: Go on, Riaz!

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IN BORED VOICE: Mm. Salted peanuts.

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My favourite.

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Oh, no. I'm choking.

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HE PRETENDS TO COUGH

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, no!
It looks like you are choking!

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Don't worry, stranger in my kitchen.

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I, Mr Khan, community leader of
number 22 Malvison Road, Sparkhill,

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will save you!

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Come on!

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Don't you dare die on me!

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I'll have to try mouth-to-mouth.

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Riaz!

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I'm fine now.

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HE COUGHS
Never felt better. Thanks.

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Riaz, this is important!

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It's for the Pride of
Birmingham Awards, for local heroes.

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They give these awards
to a right bunch of idiots.

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They're bound to give me one!

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LAUGHTER

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Look, this time, when you choke,

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try and make it look
more realistic, huh?

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OK.
MR KHAN SIGHS

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Salaam aleikum, Papaji.

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Waleikum salam,
my little imami.

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LAUGHTER

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What's going on?

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I'm entering Birmingham Pride.

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LAUGHTER
What?

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Birmingham Pride.

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Birmingham Pride?

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Like Birmingham Pride Pride?

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Actual Pride?

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Yep!

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Riaz and I are even recording
a special video for it.

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LAUGHTER

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It's a little bit naughty,

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but you only live once, eh?

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LAUGHTER

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O.M.G.

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Will you be in the parade?

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Well, I guess so! Right at the front.

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Wait till the men
down the mosque hear about it.

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They'll all want a piece of me!
LAUGHTER

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RIAZ COUGHS

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That's much better, Riaz!

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Oh, my God!

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I know! He's good, isn't he?

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Robert Ruddy Redford,
eat your bloomin' heart out!

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HE COUGHS LOUDLY

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Papaji, he's choking!

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Do something!

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That's brilliant!

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RIAZ COUGHS LOUDLY

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you, Mr Khan.

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Right, very good, Riaz.

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This time, we'll record it, hm?

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LAUGHTER

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I'm sorry, that was the
last salted nut...

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Fine. We'll have to go with Plan B -
fire rescue.

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Pass me the petrol.

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LAUGHTER

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Sweetie? Shh!

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What are you doing?!

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You can't do that!

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That's one of the special glasses!

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LAUGHTER

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Use this one, much cheaper.

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LAUGHTER

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It's Shazia and Amjad.
They're arguing. Again!

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Sweetie, it's none of our business.

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She's really yelling at him.

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At Amjad? Really?

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HE LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER

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They never used to argue.
I'm worried something's wrong.

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Why should something be wrong?

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They're married. They shouldn't be
arguing and shouting

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at each other all the time.

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We argue. No.
LAUGHTER

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Yes, we do. We argue all the time.

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No. We argued this morning about who
didn't do the flush in the toilet!

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LAUGHTER

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That wasn't arguing.

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Well, it wasn't me!

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We don't argue, OK?

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We're very happy!

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LAUGHTER

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You're right.

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If only they were more like us, huh?

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Come on, let's watch telly.
Border Control's on.

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One of your cousins might be on it.
Again.

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LAUGHTER

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They've just had a new baby.
It can be a very stressful time.

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The feeding, the crying,
the sleepless nights.

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You remember what it was like
when we had Shazia!

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HE SIGHS
Yes, it was very hard.

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You slept in the spare room.

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And the mattress
in there was very hard.

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LAUGHTER

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It's tough enough being newlyweds,

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getting used to each other's
little habits.

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What habits?

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You remember, when we were
first married

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and we lived in that bedsit.

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And there was beard hair
all over the sink.

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It was disgusting!

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Yes, it was.

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But I still loved you, my darling.

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LAUGHTER

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It can put a strain on any
relationship.

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Even with you know...

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What?

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You know...

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Tang tang!
LAUGHTER

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Is that what all the noise is?

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You shouldn't be listening to that,
sweetie, it's not right!

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They're not doing it now, you idiot.

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Maybe they're not doing it at all!

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That could be part of the problem.

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Well, they must have done it
at least once

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or where did baby Mohammad come from?

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LAUGHTER

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Maybe they need to go away.

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Just the two of them together.

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You know, rekindle the romance.

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Not that you'd know anything
about that.

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Rubbish!

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GROANING

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LAUGHTER

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This is serious.

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Mrs Akram's daughter had a baby

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and within a year her husband had
run away with the estate agent.

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And she and her baby moved
back in with her parents!

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SHOUTING: What?!

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LAUGHTER

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I can't hear anything.

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It's gone quiet.
Maybe they're making up.

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SHAZIA: I can't find the spare
nappies, have you got them?

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Wow! These glasses are amazing.

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It sounds like they're
in the next room!

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LAUGHTER

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What are you doing?

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LAUGHTER

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And that's how you tell
if the wallpaper's coming away.

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LAUGHTER

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Mum, I'll put Mo in his travel cot.

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He's been fed, and I've
just changed his nappy.

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And all his stuff's in the bag.

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BABY GURGLES

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Amjad, you forgot the nappies.

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I thought you were getting
the nappies!

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No! That was one of your jobs.

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I can't do everything,
can I, budhoo?

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And I can't do anything,
can I, ladoo?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, it's nice of you to come over.

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It's nice to do things
together, isn't it?

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SHOUTING: Nappies, budhoo!

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SHOUTING: I'll get them
in a minute, ladoo!

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Like shouting.

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LAUGHTER

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So, Amjad, are you
and Shazia managing to

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find some time together?

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Not really.

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It's all about baby Mo now.

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We don't get a minute to ourselves.

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Not even 30 seconds?

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LAUGHTER

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What?

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10 seconds?
Even I can manage 10 seconds.

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LAUGHTER

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Beti, it's your anniversary today.

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Why don't you and Amjad leave
baby Mo with us

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and go off by yourselves somewhere
for a couple of days?

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What for?

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You know, to spend some time
together, be romantic.

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You remember romantic, don't you?

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BOTH: Yes.

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LAUGHTER
But those days are over.

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Why don't you try
experimenting a bit?

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What?

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You know, mix it up a little.

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Me and your mother do it
all the time!

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LAUGHTER

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What? Oh, yes!

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Last night, I washed and she dried!

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, right!

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SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Well, we've got other
priorities now, haven't we?

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Yes. And I've got an important
meeting at the office today.

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That's what counts.

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You get to work.
I'll get the nappies.

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Don't worry, sweetie.

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Every marriage has its little
ups and downs.

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It all turns out
fine in the end.

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Look at me and you!

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Ha!
LAUGHTER

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I'm never getting married.

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HE CHUCKLES

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That's my girl!

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LAUGHTER

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MIMICS TANNOY: Ding dong!
Pakistani International Airlines,

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flight 786...
LAUGHTER

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approaching the runway
at the luxurious

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Mr Khan Community Leader Airport!

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LAUGHTER

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Another spoon?

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Good boy!

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You like doing things again
and again, don't you?

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Unlike your parents.

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LAUGHTER

224
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What are you doing?

225
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I'm getting ready for
my TV audition.

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What? There's a new reality TV show
being filmed in Birmingham.

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I'm going to get on it! Sweetie!

228
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She might turn out like that famous
Pakistani Muslim woman

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that Alia was telling me about.

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What was her name, beti?

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IN SHEEPISH VOICE: Kim Kardashian.

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LAUGHTER

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She's not Pakistani!

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Yes, she is! Alia said so.

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She's brown and she's married
to a Khan.

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LAUGHTER

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Kanye!

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Khan, yeah!

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LAUGHTER

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Can you give me a lift, Papaji?

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I'd love to, beti, but I've got to
finish off my Birmingham Pride video.

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And you're OK with that?

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Well, I'm not entirely
happy with it,

244
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but you know what
your father's like.

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I'm finding out.

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LAUGHTER

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I'll deal with you later.

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You've got to talk to Amjad,
man to man.

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Find out what's going on.

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No bloomin' way!

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He's an only child, remember?

252
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Well, there you go.
It runs in the family.

253
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What?

254
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Well, Mr Malik doesn't like the
tang tang either.

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LAUGHTER

256
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Just talk to him!

257
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Sweetie, the only tang tang
conversation

258
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between a man and his son-in-law

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is the one that I had with
your father!

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And if he had his way, we'd
have no children

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and I'd be carrying my down-belows
in a jar of mango pickle!

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LAUGHTER

263
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Well, in that case,
there's nothing else for it.

264
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This is what we have to do.

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Jesus, Mary and Jawed!

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LAUGHTER

267
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Have you laundered that money?

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LAUGHTER

269
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,963
I've been hiding it from you.

270
00:09:44,963 --> 00:09:47,923
This is £200 for Amjad and Shazia.

271
00:09:47,923 --> 00:09:51,723
We use it to buy them a relaxing
night away for their anniversary.

272
00:09:51,723 --> 00:09:53,043
That's what they need.

273
00:09:53,043 --> 00:09:55,763
Why not save £100
and just send one of them away?

274
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,323
LAUGHTER

275
00:09:57,323 --> 00:09:59,803
They'll both have a relaxing night,
away from each other!

276
00:10:01,523 --> 00:10:04,603
I am trying to save their marriage!

277
00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:05,763
Fine.

278
00:10:05,763 --> 00:10:08,083
I'll go and see old
Majid at the travel agents.

279
00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:11,483
He's always selling luxury
weekend breaks around Britain.

280
00:10:11,483 --> 00:10:14,043
Last week, he had a special
deal to Wigan.

281
00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:15,083
LAUGHTER

282
00:10:16,323 --> 00:10:18,203
It needs to be romantic.

283
00:10:18,203 --> 00:10:19,323
You're right.

284
00:10:19,323 --> 00:10:20,763
Wigan and a bunch of flowers?

285
00:10:20,763 --> 00:10:22,643
LAUGHTER

286
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:23,843
Come on, puttar.

287
00:10:23,843 --> 00:10:25,363
One more.

288
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:26,803
FARTING NOISE

289
00:10:26,803 --> 00:10:28,003
LAUGHTER

290
00:10:30,243 --> 00:10:33,043
Awh, you're a naughty little monkey,
aren't you?

291
00:10:34,683 --> 00:10:35,883
That wasn't him.

292
00:10:35,883 --> 00:10:36,923
LAUGHTER

293
00:10:40,763 --> 00:10:43,123
See you later! Stop!

294
00:10:43,123 --> 00:10:45,603
I need you to stay at home
and look after baby Mo.

295
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,163
Oh, what? Why me?

296
00:10:48,163 --> 00:10:51,443
Because Shazia and Amjad are busy,
I've got to go to work.

297
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:54,643
Now, he'll need feeding
and he'll need to sleep, OK?

298
00:10:54,643 --> 00:10:57,003
Sweetie, don't fuss,
I'll be fine for a couple of hours.

299
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,683
LAUGHTER

300
00:10:58,683 --> 00:11:00,243
Not you!

301
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,323
You have to drop me off at work and
then go to the travel agents.

302
00:11:03,323 --> 00:11:04,923
But...
HE SPLUTTERS

303
00:11:04,923 --> 00:11:05,963
HE SIGHS

304
00:11:05,963 --> 00:11:08,323
OK, fine. I'm coming out.

305
00:11:08,323 --> 00:11:09,523
You can say that again.

306
00:11:09,523 --> 00:11:10,563
LAUGHTER

307
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,843
You do realise that once I've
won my Pride of Birmingham award,

308
00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:23,483
I won't be dropping you off at this
silly supermarket any more?

309
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,923
Just make sure you book
their weekend away. Yes, yes.

310
00:11:25,923 --> 00:11:28,683
And you can't park there!
This is for parent and child only.

311
00:11:28,683 --> 00:11:31,603
Don't worry, darling.
I've already thought of that one.

312
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,843
Here we are. Ah!

313
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:37,403
You worry too much. Leave it to me,
I know what I'm doing.

314
00:11:37,403 --> 00:11:39,163
Feet for dancing, head for thinking.

315
00:11:39,163 --> 00:11:41,243
How many times
have I got to tell you?

316
00:11:42,403 --> 00:11:43,683
There you are!

317
00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:44,843
Right.

318
00:11:48,523 --> 00:11:49,563
KHAN HUMS

319
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:53,403
What?

320
00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:57,923
Hang on!

321
00:11:57,923 --> 00:11:59,643
Oh, twaddi!

322
00:12:00,923 --> 00:12:03,203
Get out the way! Oh, twaddi!

323
00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:06,883
Oh, twaddi! Hey!

324
00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:08,683
What are you doing?

325
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,883
Oh, God!

326
00:12:12,203 --> 00:12:13,883
Get my...

327
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:18,003
Baldy! Get my car down!
What are you doing?

328
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,723
Get my Mercedes down!

329
00:12:19,723 --> 00:12:22,363
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Huh? Oh, God! Oh!

330
00:12:22,363 --> 00:12:24,723
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE

331
00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:29,643
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

332
00:12:29,643 --> 00:12:31,243
Oh, hello, sweetie.

333
00:12:31,243 --> 00:12:34,043
Yes, I'll go to the travel
agents as soon as I can.

334
00:12:34,043 --> 00:12:36,523
Don't worry. I won't hang about.

335
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:37,643
OK!

336
00:12:37,643 --> 00:12:39,803
Ah! Oh, God!

337
00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:41,363
Oh, twaddi!

338
00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:43,403
Oh, God!

339
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,203
What do you think you're doing?

340
00:12:57,203 --> 00:12:59,483
What the blooming twaddi
do you think you're doing?

341
00:12:59,483 --> 00:13:02,723
I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
Get my Mercedes off this thing!

342
00:13:02,723 --> 00:13:05,603
I'm sorry, sir, you were
parked in a parent and child spot.

343
00:13:05,603 --> 00:13:08,323
You don't have a child.
Yes, I do. Look.

344
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,203
That's a doll.

345
00:13:12,203 --> 00:13:13,363
How dare you.

346
00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:14,403
He's sleeping.

347
00:13:15,443 --> 00:13:16,883
He's only got one arm.

348
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:20,203
Exactly, I could've parked
in the disabled space too.

349
00:13:20,203 --> 00:13:23,563
Look, I'm taking the vehicle
to the pound in Dudley.

350
00:13:23,563 --> 00:13:26,323
You'll have to retrieve it
from there. I can't go to Dudley.

351
00:13:26,323 --> 00:13:28,523
Why not? I haven't had my jabs!

352
00:13:28,523 --> 00:13:30,883
Then you'll
have to pay the release fee.

353
00:13:30,883 --> 00:13:32,403
£200. What?

354
00:13:32,403 --> 00:13:35,763
£200? I haven't got £200.

355
00:13:35,763 --> 00:13:37,883
That looks like £200 to me.

356
00:13:39,843 --> 00:13:41,843
It is. You could use that.

357
00:13:43,043 --> 00:13:45,403
No, that's for my daughter, you see?

358
00:13:45,403 --> 00:13:48,323
She's having marriage problems,
so we're booking her a hotel room.

359
00:13:48,323 --> 00:13:52,003
Old Majid's going to sort
her out. Bish, bosh.

360
00:13:52,003 --> 00:13:54,003
Look, you have two options,

361
00:13:54,003 --> 00:13:56,803
either I take the car to the pound,
or you pay the fine.

362
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:59,123
There is a third option,
I stay sitting here

363
00:13:59,123 --> 00:14:00,883
and you can't tow me away.

364
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:03,323
Fine. I can wait all day, mate.

365
00:14:03,323 --> 00:14:05,763
But at some point
you'll need the loo.

366
00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:08,963
I can hold it in.
I've been on Pakistani trains.

367
00:14:08,963 --> 00:14:10,923
Don't they have toilets?

368
00:14:10,923 --> 00:14:12,843
Not if you're sat on the roof.

369
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:16,243
Nah!

370
00:14:22,443 --> 00:14:25,843
It's taken dedication to get
to this point in my career.

371
00:14:25,843 --> 00:14:27,283
Really? Yeah.

372
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,883
Do you know how long it takes
to do these nails?

373
00:14:31,443 --> 00:14:34,763
I hope we get noticed.
You will. You totally stand out.

374
00:14:34,763 --> 00:14:36,683
Really? Cos I'm the fittest?

375
00:14:36,683 --> 00:14:39,003
No, you're the only one
with a baby.

376
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,443
BABY CRIES

377
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,203
Why do people have kids anyway?

378
00:14:44,203 --> 00:14:46,603
Angelina Jolie collects them
in all kinds of colours,

379
00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:48,043
so they must be cool.

380
00:14:48,043 --> 00:14:50,363
Yeah, but she's got people to
look after hers.

381
00:14:50,363 --> 00:14:51,803
She hardly gets to see them.

382
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,403
That's brilliant.

383
00:14:53,403 --> 00:14:55,523
Here, you hold him. How come?

384
00:14:55,523 --> 00:14:57,523
Goes better with your outfit.

385
00:15:03,763 --> 00:15:07,843
Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Waleikum salam, Riaz. Hello, Dave.

386
00:15:07,843 --> 00:15:09,643
What are you doing up there?

387
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:13,363
I'm selling ice creams!
What does it look like I am doing?

388
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:14,923
Got any Magnums?

389
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:19,163
What? Of course
I've not got any Magnums!

390
00:15:19,163 --> 00:15:21,403
Oh. What about strawberry twisters?

391
00:15:22,763 --> 00:15:25,603
Riaz, would you stop talking about
food? I haven't eaten for hours.

392
00:15:25,603 --> 00:15:26,763
CARS BEEPING

393
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,643
Mr Khan, you're causing
an obstruction.

394
00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:31,363
You could get arrested. I really
think you should be careful.

395
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:34,323
I really think you should be brown,
so now we're even.

396
00:15:34,323 --> 00:15:37,083
BEEPING
Come on, Mr Khan, come down.

397
00:15:37,083 --> 00:15:38,843
No, thank you. I'm staying put.

398
00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:40,203
If I get out of here,

399
00:15:40,203 --> 00:15:42,283
Dr Evil over there is going to
take my car!

400
00:15:42,283 --> 00:15:44,163
Hey, clampaigner!

401
00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:45,843
How about a selfie?

402
00:15:47,123 --> 00:15:51,003
You see, Dave? I'm Mr Khan,
community leader. They all know me.

403
00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:53,403
Hey, you're trending!

404
00:15:53,403 --> 00:15:56,043
Hashtag clampaigner!

405
00:15:56,043 --> 00:15:58,683
Mr Khan, your face is all
over the internet.

406
00:15:58,683 --> 00:16:02,043
Is it? Look, come down before
it gets any worse.

407
00:16:02,043 --> 00:16:03,563
Don't you see, Dave?

408
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,523
This is my chance to achieve
something important.

409
00:16:06,523 --> 00:16:09,643
You mean standing up against
oppressive parking regulations?

410
00:16:09,643 --> 00:16:12,243
I mean getting a
Birmingham Pride award.

411
00:16:12,243 --> 00:16:15,683
Man of the people, isn't it?
I'm like Trevor Nelson Mandela.

412
00:16:17,883 --> 00:16:20,843
So, peeps, the next time you'll
see me will be on your TV.

413
00:16:20,843 --> 00:16:23,043
And remember, hashtag hijabibabe.

414
00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:27,683
The show starts in 40 minutes,

415
00:16:27,683 --> 00:16:29,963
so just make it happen,
OK? Thanks, bye.

416
00:16:29,963 --> 00:16:31,323
Hiya.

417
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,483
Hello. What time we on camera?

418
00:16:33,483 --> 00:16:36,123
I'm sorry, we've got all the people
that we need for today,

419
00:16:36,123 --> 00:16:39,083
but maybe if you leave us your
details we'll be in touch next time.

420
00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:40,643
What? I couldn't find any nappies,

421
00:16:40,643 --> 00:16:43,763
so I just tied some paper towels
together with loo rolls.

422
00:16:43,763 --> 00:16:45,203
Oops.

423
00:16:45,203 --> 00:16:46,603
Go away! OK.

424
00:16:46,603 --> 00:16:49,523
Hold on, is this your baby?
Isn't he lovely!

425
00:16:49,523 --> 00:16:50,923
Yeah, whatevs. Listen!

426
00:16:50,923 --> 00:16:54,483
I have done my nails and everything.
You know, I'm a Muslim, hijab,

427
00:16:54,483 --> 00:16:56,843
flavour of the month, innit?

428
00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,883
You know, there could be
something in this.

429
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:00,283
The director loves a baby!

430
00:17:00,283 --> 00:17:04,843
Brilliant. Get off it! It's mine.
It's my baby.

431
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:13,243
This is Mr Khan speaking.

432
00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:15,323
We shall fight them at the beaches.

433
00:17:15,323 --> 00:17:17,883
Beaches? In Birmingham?

434
00:17:17,883 --> 00:17:19,243
All right, Dave.

435
00:17:19,243 --> 00:17:21,523
We'll fight them at the Bull Ring!
Yes!

436
00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:24,523
We shall fight them at the
drive-thru Costa. Yes!

437
00:17:24,523 --> 00:17:26,923
Nothing can stand in my way.

438
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,243
No-one can stop me now. Oi!

439
00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:30,443
Oh, twaddi!

440
00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:34,243
Oi!

441
00:17:34,243 --> 00:17:35,283
Oi!

442
00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:38,723
Oh, hello, sweetie.

443
00:17:38,723 --> 00:17:40,443
I didn't see you there.

444
00:17:40,443 --> 00:17:43,563
You are supposed to be saving
Shazia and Amjad's marriage!

445
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,843
Sweetie, this isn't about them.

446
00:17:46,843 --> 00:17:50,843
This isn't about me,
this isn't even about you.

447
00:17:50,843 --> 00:17:54,083
This is about standing
up for the little people.

448
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:56,483
All right, maybe it's
a little bit about you.

449
00:17:56,483 --> 00:17:59,403
What if the police turn up,
what then?

450
00:17:59,403 --> 00:18:01,563
Don't be a silly-billy, my darling.

451
00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:04,483
The police aren't going to be
bothered with something like this.

452
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:06,403
POLICE SIREN
The police are here.

453
00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:11,323
Oh, twaddi. Just get out of the car
and come down.

454
00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:14,083
I really think you should
do as Mrs Khan says. No.

455
00:18:14,083 --> 00:18:15,363
But you could be arrested.

456
00:18:15,363 --> 00:18:17,483
Aren't you worried? Nope. Why not?

457
00:18:17,483 --> 00:18:19,523
Because I've just seen
who they've sent.

458
00:18:19,523 --> 00:18:20,883
Hello, sir.

459
00:18:20,883 --> 00:18:22,483
Officer Dibble.

460
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,923
Please, just try and talk
some sense into this idiot.

461
00:18:27,923 --> 00:18:30,283
OK, sweetie. I'll do my best.

462
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,323
How long have you been
up here, sir?

463
00:18:37,323 --> 00:18:38,523
Nearly five hours

464
00:18:38,523 --> 00:18:40,603
and I'll be here all night
if I have to.

465
00:18:40,603 --> 00:18:42,963
If I keep this up I'll get
my Pride Of Birmingham award

466
00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:46,203
and I'll be Birmingham's biggest hero
since Bob blooming Carolgees

467
00:18:46,203 --> 00:18:47,963
and Spit the blooming dog!

468
00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:49,243
KHAN SPITS

469
00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:54,323
Only the thing is, sir,
is they've asked me to arrest you

470
00:18:54,323 --> 00:18:57,323
and I told Shazia I'd pick her up
after her interview.

471
00:18:57,323 --> 00:19:00,923
Amjad, this is a point of principle.
It's daylight robbery.

472
00:19:00,923 --> 00:19:03,403
I mean, who has £200
lying about the place?

473
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,043
That looks like £200.

474
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:08,203
Give that to me!
That's for something else! What?

475
00:19:08,203 --> 00:19:10,603
Mrs Khan wants
me to go to the travel agent.

476
00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:12,723
Majid's travel agent? Ah.

477
00:19:12,723 --> 00:19:16,043
You better hurry up, then.
It closes in 15 minutes.

478
00:19:16,043 --> 00:19:17,243
Oi!

479
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:19,203
What the hell are you doing?

480
00:19:20,923 --> 00:19:21,963
Hai!

481
00:19:24,403 --> 00:19:26,123
Is everything OK, sir?

482
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:30,563
Amjad, you know you can
talk to me about anything?

483
00:19:30,563 --> 00:19:32,763
Right. Anything at all.

484
00:19:32,763 --> 00:19:34,203
OK.

485
00:19:34,203 --> 00:19:37,323
So, is there anything
you want to discuss?

486
00:19:37,323 --> 00:19:39,363
Anything that's worrying you?

487
00:19:39,363 --> 00:19:41,203
Actually...

488
00:19:41,203 --> 00:19:42,483
there is.

489
00:19:45,003 --> 00:19:46,683
The other day... Mm.

490
00:19:46,683 --> 00:19:50,643
..I looked out of the window... Mm.
..and I saw a bird.

491
00:19:50,643 --> 00:19:52,643
I think it might have been an eagle.

492
00:19:52,643 --> 00:19:55,603
But why would there be an eagle
in Sparkhill?

493
00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,883
Not eagles, you idiot!

494
00:19:57,883 --> 00:19:59,283
What then?

495
00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:02,723
I want to talk to you about...

496
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:03,763
cricket!

497
00:20:04,803 --> 00:20:07,003
Cricket? Yes, cricket.

498
00:20:07,003 --> 00:20:10,203
Now, cricket is
a bit like a marriage. Right.

499
00:20:10,203 --> 00:20:13,563
You get together
and you form a partnership.

500
00:20:13,563 --> 00:20:16,803
And at first you're...sneaking
plenty of...

501
00:20:16,803 --> 00:20:18,483
quick ones.

502
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,563
Maybe even twos.

503
00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:24,803
And then you get a new delivery
that you weren't expecting

504
00:20:24,803 --> 00:20:30,123
and suddenly you stop scoring
and you get very frustrated.

505
00:20:30,123 --> 00:20:32,643
But then you get your timing back,

506
00:20:32,643 --> 00:20:35,363
you remember where all the gaps are,

507
00:20:35,363 --> 00:20:39,083
and before you know it, you're
spraying balls all over the place!

508
00:20:40,803 --> 00:20:43,363
Are you talking about tang-tang?

509
00:20:43,363 --> 00:20:45,883
Yes. With Shazia?

510
00:20:45,883 --> 00:20:48,563
Yes... We do that all the time.

511
00:20:48,563 --> 00:20:52,323
What? We're always doing it.
It's amazing! OK, thank you!

512
00:20:52,323 --> 00:20:56,403
In fact, I'd say we do it pretty
much every night. OK, that's enough.

513
00:20:56,403 --> 00:21:00,763
That's what I say, but Shazia
just... Stop it! I say that too!

514
00:21:07,563 --> 00:21:10,323
Well, Shazia,
you've certainly impressed me so far

515
00:21:10,323 --> 00:21:12,723
and I am not easily impressed.
Thank you.

516
00:21:12,723 --> 00:21:16,163
You don't get salesperson of the
month as often as I have

517
00:21:16,163 --> 00:21:18,003
by being easily impressed.

518
00:21:18,003 --> 00:21:20,323
How many times have you been
salesperson of the month?

519
00:21:20,323 --> 00:21:22,123
Oh, no idea!

520
00:21:22,123 --> 00:21:24,563
I don't keep track
of details like that!

521
00:21:24,563 --> 00:21:26,003
SHE LAUGHS

522
00:21:27,643 --> 00:21:28,763
12. Wow!

523
00:21:29,763 --> 00:21:33,243
Can I ask what attracted you to
this position on my team?

524
00:21:33,243 --> 00:21:36,043
Well, I think
it fits my skill set really well,

525
00:21:36,043 --> 00:21:38,283
and I'm keen to progress my career.

526
00:21:38,283 --> 00:21:42,923
Mm. So you should be, you are
a very impressive candidate.

527
00:21:42,923 --> 00:21:45,123
I also need to be
progressing on the salary scale,

528
00:21:45,123 --> 00:21:48,403
because I'm the main breadwinner in
the family. Oh, I see.

529
00:21:48,403 --> 00:21:51,803
Partner not up to much?
Bit of a dimwit, is he?

530
00:21:51,803 --> 00:21:55,483
No, no, it's just I don't want him
to compromise his dream

531
00:21:55,483 --> 00:21:58,283
by giving up
his PCSO police training.

532
00:21:58,283 --> 00:22:00,083
He does sound like a dimwit.

533
00:22:01,443 --> 00:22:04,323
Don't worry.
My husband was an idiot too.

534
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,883
That's why I divorced him.

535
00:22:05,883 --> 00:22:07,563
We're very happy.

536
00:22:07,563 --> 00:22:10,723
I just want to provide
a more secure future for our family.

537
00:22:10,723 --> 00:22:15,963
I totally get it. Family is
absolutely the most important thing.

538
00:22:15,963 --> 00:22:17,643
Do you have children? Yes.

539
00:22:17,643 --> 00:22:20,483
And do you see a lot of them?
Of course, I see them every day!

540
00:22:20,483 --> 00:22:21,523
Look!

541
00:22:24,483 --> 00:22:26,283
Oh. I meant...

542
00:22:26,283 --> 00:22:28,403
Oh, you mean in real life?

543
00:22:28,403 --> 00:22:30,323
God, no!

544
00:22:38,043 --> 00:22:39,803
So, this is fun.

545
00:22:39,803 --> 00:22:42,163
We're just like cop buddies, huh?

546
00:22:42,163 --> 00:22:44,923
Ooh, which ones? Turner and Hooch.

547
00:22:46,243 --> 00:22:48,283
Which one am I? You're the dog.

548
00:22:48,283 --> 00:22:50,203
MESSAGE ALERT

549
00:22:54,723 --> 00:22:56,403
Shazia's got a new job.

550
00:22:56,403 --> 00:22:58,123
Great. You must be delighted.

551
00:22:58,123 --> 00:22:59,683
Yes...

552
00:22:59,683 --> 00:23:03,123
It just means she'll be spending
a lot of time away from home.

553
00:23:03,123 --> 00:23:04,923
Great. You must be delighted.

554
00:23:06,043 --> 00:23:09,363
She's only taking the job so we can
afford to have more children.

555
00:23:09,363 --> 00:23:12,203
That's why we are having
all the... Yes, yes!

556
00:23:12,203 --> 00:23:14,843
I wish it was me
getting the promotion.

557
00:23:14,843 --> 00:23:16,723
I've always wanted to be
a policeman,

558
00:23:16,723 --> 00:23:18,883
ever since I watched that TV show
when I was young,

559
00:23:18,883 --> 00:23:21,323
all about police procedure.
Top Cat?

560
00:23:22,603 --> 00:23:24,363
Yes, that's the one.

561
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:26,843
I've been a PSCO for a year now

562
00:23:26,843 --> 00:23:31,163
and not once have they mentioned me
becoming an actual police officer.

563
00:23:31,163 --> 00:23:34,683
If I could get a proper job
with career opportunities,

564
00:23:34,683 --> 00:23:39,203
Shazia wouldn't need to take her job
and be away from me and baby Mo.

565
00:23:40,683 --> 00:23:42,323
I'm going to miss her so much.

566
00:23:42,323 --> 00:23:44,083
CHEERING IN BACKGROUND

567
00:23:46,363 --> 00:23:47,723
Yay, go...

568
00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:51,883
Look, Amjad,

569
00:23:51,883 --> 00:23:54,283
if you could pull off the arrest

570
00:23:54,283 --> 00:23:56,603
of a dangerous, determined

571
00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:59,923
but rather dashing local desperado,

572
00:23:59,923 --> 00:24:03,363
do you think that would help you
become a proper policeman?

573
00:24:03,363 --> 00:24:04,843
Definitely!

574
00:24:04,843 --> 00:24:07,563
But where would I find
someone like that?

575
00:24:07,563 --> 00:24:09,163
It's me, you idiot.

576
00:24:09,163 --> 00:24:10,803
You're going to arrest me.

577
00:24:10,803 --> 00:24:12,243
And then you'll be a hero.

578
00:24:13,763 --> 00:24:15,243
Oh!

579
00:24:15,243 --> 00:24:17,883
Oh, thank you, sir. Right, Amjad.

580
00:24:17,883 --> 00:24:20,403
Are you ready for your big moment?
Yes, sir.

581
00:24:20,403 --> 00:24:24,563
Now, just get out of the car
and try not to do anything stupid.

582
00:24:25,803 --> 00:24:27,003
Oh...

583
00:24:30,163 --> 00:24:32,243
KHAN STRAINS

584
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:42,523
Mr Khan, I'm arresting you
for breach of the peace,

585
00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:46,163
trespass, and disorderly behaviour.

586
00:24:46,163 --> 00:24:49,243
It's OK, I'll come quietly.

587
00:24:49,243 --> 00:24:52,563
No road tax, no insurance...

588
00:24:52,563 --> 00:24:54,283
Amjad, don't be an idiot!

589
00:24:54,283 --> 00:24:56,803
..and abusive behaviour
and threatening behaviour!

590
00:24:56,803 --> 00:24:58,923
Right, that's enough.

591
00:24:58,923 --> 00:25:00,403
Agh!

592
00:25:02,003 --> 00:25:04,803
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Do you? Do you?!

593
00:25:04,803 --> 00:25:06,123
You're going down!

594
00:25:06,123 --> 00:25:08,043
PEPPER SPRAY
Ah!

595
00:25:15,083 --> 00:25:20,563
I'm so happy for Amjad.
A proper full-time policeman.

596
00:25:20,563 --> 00:25:22,763
"I'm so happy for Amjad."

597
00:25:22,763 --> 00:25:25,323
Meh, meh, meh,
meh, meh, meh, meh, meh!

598
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:29,483
He went to sleep straight away.
He must have had fun with you today.

599
00:25:29,483 --> 00:25:31,323
Yeah, we had a great time.

600
00:25:31,323 --> 00:25:32,923
He was really useful...

601
00:25:32,923 --> 00:25:34,963
I mean, well behaved.

602
00:25:34,963 --> 00:25:37,403
I'm so excited for our
anniversary trip.

603
00:25:37,403 --> 00:25:40,643
What's the hotel like, Dad?
Only the best for you, Shazia.

604
00:25:40,643 --> 00:25:43,243
It's one where all the
A-list celebrities stay.

605
00:25:43,243 --> 00:25:44,963
Really? Like who?

606
00:25:44,963 --> 00:25:46,603
Lenny Henry.

607
00:25:48,883 --> 00:25:50,323
It's a Premier Inn!

608
00:25:53,603 --> 00:25:54,843
Thanks, Dad.

609
00:25:54,843 --> 00:25:57,803
This is the best anniversary ever.
Ah...

610
00:25:59,163 --> 00:26:01,963
How are you feeling, sir?
How do you think I'm feeling?

611
00:26:01,963 --> 00:26:04,083
Is your mouth still hurting?

612
00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:06,163
I'm sorry about the pepper spray.

613
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,843
I was just trying
to make it look more realistic,

614
00:26:09,843 --> 00:26:11,203
like the movies.

615
00:26:11,203 --> 00:26:13,563
Which movie? Death Wish?

616
00:26:13,563 --> 00:26:15,003
Don't worry about him.

617
00:26:15,003 --> 00:26:17,683
He's just upset about the
Pride Of Birmingham awards.

618
00:26:17,683 --> 00:26:18,963
Oh.

619
00:26:18,963 --> 00:26:20,483
Because Mr Sethi's getting one?

620
00:26:20,483 --> 00:26:24,163
Mr Sethi! But he's an Indian!
Why is he getting one?

621
00:26:24,163 --> 00:26:27,803
Rescuing Riaz from choking
on some salted peanuts.

622
00:26:30,203 --> 00:26:33,003
The devious, greedy... So, Amjad...

623
00:26:33,003 --> 00:26:37,163
when do you start your new job
as a full-time police officer?

624
00:26:37,163 --> 00:26:39,843
Next year.
I have to go on a course first.

625
00:26:39,843 --> 00:26:42,083
Is it an assault course?

626
00:26:42,083 --> 00:26:44,243
The important thing is now

627
00:26:44,243 --> 00:26:47,243
Amjad and Shazia can keep
trying for more babies!

628
00:26:47,243 --> 00:26:50,643
It makes me excited just
thinking about it.

629
00:26:50,643 --> 00:26:52,003
Me too!

630
00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:57,163
Talking of which,
we can't stay long.

631
00:26:57,163 --> 00:26:58,923
We need to get to the hotel,

632
00:26:58,923 --> 00:27:01,043
we're having an early night.
We're going to be...

633
00:27:01,043 --> 00:27:02,283
Amjad!

634
00:27:02,283 --> 00:27:03,643
Sorry.

635
00:27:03,643 --> 00:27:05,363
I mean...

636
00:27:05,363 --> 00:27:07,723
so we can play CRICKET.

637
00:27:10,483 --> 00:27:13,243
I'm just three away
from my CENTURY!

638
00:27:16,243 --> 00:27:18,403
You're a good father, Amjad.

639
00:27:18,403 --> 00:27:21,643
And you too!
You did the right thing.

640
00:27:21,643 --> 00:27:25,443
You look after Amjad just like
you do your own daughters.

641
00:27:25,443 --> 00:27:28,043
I know. We are good parents.

642
00:27:28,043 --> 00:27:30,803
Eh, come on, let's watch
Border Control.

643
00:27:30,803 --> 00:27:33,403
Let's see if we can spot Naani
smuggling rotten mangoes

644
00:27:33,403 --> 00:27:34,923
down her shalwar.

645
00:27:34,923 --> 00:27:36,443
We'd better get going.

646
00:27:36,443 --> 00:27:38,683
Are you sure you're OK
to have baby Mo?

647
00:27:38,683 --> 00:27:41,363
Yes, of course.
Alia is a baby expert now.

648
00:27:41,363 --> 00:27:42,963
Not really.

649
00:27:42,963 --> 00:27:44,803
You're a good girl, beti.

650
00:27:44,803 --> 00:27:46,843
You never give us any trouble, ah?

651
00:27:46,843 --> 00:27:48,523
TV PROGRAMME STARTS

652
00:27:49,723 --> 00:27:52,083
"And today we meet the Muslim girl

653
00:27:52,083 --> 00:27:55,043
"who defied her father to be
a single mum!"

654
00:27:55,043 --> 00:27:56,643
STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS