1 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:07,923 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:13,923 --> 00:00:15,323 They all know me! 3 00:00:15,323 --> 00:00:16,803 You like my suit? 4 00:00:18,483 --> 00:00:20,043 Number one, Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:21,523 --> 00:00:24,883 Morning everyone, and welcome to the Mr Khan Community Leader 6 00:00:24,883 --> 00:00:29,003 Cricket Stadium in Pakistan's fourth largest city... 7 00:00:29,003 --> 00:00:30,043 Birmingham! 8 00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:34,283 And facing Pakistan today... 9 00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:36,003 is the MCC, 10 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,683 the Muslim Cricket Club! 11 00:00:38,683 --> 00:00:43,523 And opening the batting for Pakistan is Mr Khan, community leader, 12 00:00:43,523 --> 00:00:45,883 and opening the bowling for the MCC 13 00:00:45,883 --> 00:00:50,323 is the new cricketing sensation, Baby Mohammad! 14 00:00:50,323 --> 00:00:53,483 CREAKING SOUND 15 00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:55,363 Six! Hey! 16 00:01:00,963 --> 00:01:03,923 Six again! The crowd goes wild! 17 00:01:05,563 --> 00:01:08,523 Ah! Good ball! 18 00:01:08,523 --> 00:01:10,283 There's a shout for LBW. 19 00:01:10,283 --> 00:01:12,163 What's the umpire's decision going to be? 20 00:01:12,163 --> 00:01:14,523 The crowd are waiting in anticipation! 21 00:01:14,523 --> 00:01:16,363 It's a very tense moment out at the middle. 22 00:01:16,363 --> 00:01:18,603 What's the umpire's decision? 23 00:01:18,603 --> 00:01:19,963 Not out! 24 00:01:21,443 --> 00:01:25,203 Dadda. I'm sorry, the umpire's decision is final, 25 00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:27,243 your daddy can't help you now. 26 00:01:27,243 --> 00:01:28,723 Dadda. 27 00:01:28,723 --> 00:01:31,043 No, your daddy's not here. 28 00:01:31,043 --> 00:01:33,763 I'm Grandpa. Mr Khan. 29 00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:35,163 Ring, ring. 30 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,883 What? Ring, ring, Dadda. 31 00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:39,843 What are you talking about? 32 00:01:39,843 --> 00:01:41,123 TELEPHONE RINGS 33 00:01:41,123 --> 00:01:42,843 Hang on, the phone's ringing. 34 00:01:45,363 --> 00:01:47,083 Hello, Mr Khan speaking. 35 00:01:47,083 --> 00:01:50,763 Oh, hello, Amjad. Yes, he's absolutely fine. 36 00:01:50,763 --> 00:01:52,323 I'm talking to your daddy. 37 00:01:52,323 --> 00:01:54,163 Ring, ring, Dadda. 38 00:01:56,523 --> 00:01:57,843 Oh, my God. 39 00:01:57,843 --> 00:01:59,003 You knew? 40 00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:01,523 You knew it was going to be your daddy! 41 00:02:01,523 --> 00:02:03,803 Mohammad, you're psychic. 42 00:02:03,803 --> 00:02:05,923 You're Mystic Mo! 43 00:02:05,923 --> 00:02:07,563 KHAN LAUGHS 44 00:02:09,523 --> 00:02:10,923 Ring, ring, Dadda. 45 00:02:12,283 --> 00:02:13,963 Ring, ring, Dadda. 46 00:02:18,283 --> 00:02:21,043 # I believe in miracles 47 00:02:21,043 --> 00:02:23,643 # Since you came along You sexy thing. # 48 00:02:26,003 --> 00:02:27,963 Where's Mystic...I mean Baby Mo? 49 00:02:27,963 --> 00:02:29,523 Upstairs. 50 00:02:29,523 --> 00:02:30,843 Why? 51 00:02:30,843 --> 00:02:32,923 I need him to help me pick my lottery numbers. 52 00:02:32,923 --> 00:02:36,043 You can't play the lottery, it's gambling, it's not allowed! 53 00:02:36,043 --> 00:02:37,723 Sweetie, it's not gambling 54 00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:41,203 if you've already been told what the result's going to be. 55 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:44,763 Just like when we bet on the Pakistani cricket team. 56 00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:48,203 Pota, this is Grandpa. 57 00:02:48,203 --> 00:02:52,003 If you think I should pick 12, say "12." 58 00:02:52,003 --> 00:02:54,803 What's wrong with you? He's just a baby. 59 00:02:54,803 --> 00:02:57,243 You're right, I'm being silly. 60 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,043 BABY TALK VOICE Puthar, 61 00:02:59,043 --> 00:03:02,203 if you think I should pick 12, say "Dadda". 62 00:03:03,723 --> 00:03:07,283 Not 12. 13? 14? 22? 63 00:03:07,283 --> 00:03:10,003 Don't disturb him. He's having his nap. 64 00:03:10,003 --> 00:03:12,243 Ooh. Are you OK, my darling? 65 00:03:12,243 --> 00:03:14,723 Yes, I'm fine. It's just... 66 00:03:14,723 --> 00:03:16,883 I've got a bit of a bad tummy. 67 00:03:16,883 --> 00:03:19,923 I bought loads of toilet roll from the cash and carry. 68 00:03:21,403 --> 00:03:24,363 It's not that. It's probably stress. 69 00:03:24,363 --> 00:03:26,123 What are you stressed about? 70 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:29,083 Did you put your control pants in the hot wash again? 71 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:30,843 It's Alia. 72 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,283 She's out all the time - 73 00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:36,323 and Shazia's working so hard to save up money to buy a house and... 74 00:03:36,323 --> 00:03:38,483 Sweetie, chillax. 75 00:03:38,483 --> 00:03:40,123 You worry too much. 76 00:03:40,123 --> 00:03:41,683 Here's what you need to do, 77 00:03:41,683 --> 00:03:44,843 think of the biggest source of stress in your life, 78 00:03:44,843 --> 00:03:49,323 the one thing that causes you more trouble than anything else. 79 00:03:50,403 --> 00:03:51,523 Right. 80 00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:55,443 Now, imagine putting it into a big, black bag, 81 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:57,203 tying up the top 82 00:03:57,203 --> 00:04:01,083 and then burying it deep, deep into hole in the ground. 83 00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:02,123 Right. 84 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,403 Are you doing it? 85 00:04:04,403 --> 00:04:06,043 Yes, I am. 86 00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:09,083 Doesn't that feel better? A bit. 87 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,563 You're lucky you've got me here, huh? 88 00:04:11,563 --> 00:04:14,083 Puthar! What about 37? 89 00:04:14,083 --> 00:04:16,003 BABY CRIES 90 00:04:16,003 --> 00:04:18,003 I told you not to wake him. 91 00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:20,723 It's OK, beta, Granny's coming. 92 00:04:20,723 --> 00:04:23,003 But I only need two more numbers! 93 00:04:23,003 --> 00:04:27,003 And the draw finishes in four hours and 17 minutes. 94 00:04:27,003 --> 00:04:28,403 "Dadda." 95 00:04:28,403 --> 00:04:29,683 17! 96 00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:32,043 Does that mean yes? 97 00:04:32,043 --> 00:04:34,283 "Dadda." Yes! 98 00:04:34,283 --> 00:04:35,723 17! 99 00:04:36,923 --> 00:04:38,243 Excellent. 100 00:04:38,243 --> 00:04:40,883 # I believe in miracles You sexy thing. # 101 00:04:40,883 --> 00:04:41,963 KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT 102 00:04:41,963 --> 00:04:44,843 ALIA: Papaji! I'm going out, be back later. 103 00:04:44,843 --> 00:04:47,963 Sweetie, Alia, you know how your mother worries. 104 00:04:47,963 --> 00:04:50,283 You're supposed to tell us where you're going 105 00:04:50,283 --> 00:04:52,723 and what time you'll be back. But I did. Did you? 106 00:04:52,723 --> 00:04:56,003 Yeah. I'm going "out" and I'll be back "later". 107 00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:58,163 Hmm. Oh, yes. 108 00:04:58,163 --> 00:05:00,523 Hello, sir. Oh, hello, Amjad. 109 00:05:00,523 --> 00:05:03,843 Where's my little Mo Mo? Here he is. 110 00:05:03,843 --> 00:05:06,003 SOMEBODY woke him up. 111 00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:08,083 Did he mention any more numbers? No. 112 00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:09,283 DOORBELL RINGS 113 00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:11,883 That'll be my mummy, she said she was going to meet us here. 114 00:05:11,883 --> 00:05:14,443 Oh, God! Hide the food. 115 00:05:14,443 --> 00:05:16,003 Where is he? 116 00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:19,723 I can't wait to squeeze those lovely, squidgy cheeks... 117 00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:22,523 Keep back! What the hell's wrong with you? 118 00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:26,883 She means Baby Mo. Oh, yes, of course. 119 00:05:26,883 --> 00:05:28,563 He's just playing in his travel cot. 120 00:05:28,563 --> 00:05:31,123 MRS MALIK: I need to give him a great big kiss. 121 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,483 No bloomin' way! 122 00:05:32,483 --> 00:05:35,843 He still hasn't got over the stubble rash from the last one. 123 00:05:37,523 --> 00:05:40,563 And...we've got to finish off our mathematics game. 124 00:05:40,563 --> 00:05:43,763 Well, at least that sounds educational. 125 00:05:43,763 --> 00:05:46,363 And profitable. We're picking lottery numbers! 126 00:05:46,363 --> 00:05:47,683 Hai, hai! 127 00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:51,323 And I see he's still wearing that hideous green top. 128 00:05:51,323 --> 00:05:52,683 How dare you. 129 00:05:52,683 --> 00:05:55,323 I'll have you know that's an exclusive, one of a kind, 130 00:05:55,323 --> 00:05:57,683 replica Pakistani cricket shirt. 131 00:05:57,683 --> 00:05:59,563 It's classy. KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT 132 00:05:59,563 --> 00:06:03,683 Well, soon we won't have to fight over him any more. 133 00:06:03,683 --> 00:06:04,723 What do you mean? 134 00:06:04,723 --> 00:06:07,603 I've got some good news and bad news. 135 00:06:07,603 --> 00:06:09,963 Oh, I hate good news and bad news! 136 00:06:09,963 --> 00:06:12,043 Which do you want to hear first? 137 00:06:12,043 --> 00:06:13,483 The bad news? 138 00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:16,523 Mr Malik and I are moving away. 139 00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:18,363 He said the BAD news. 140 00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:24,323 Mr Malik has taken early retirement, so we're moving up north, 141 00:06:24,323 --> 00:06:26,763 where the air is so much healthier. 142 00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,043 Where's that? 143 00:06:28,043 --> 00:06:32,523 It's a beautiful cathedral city, in the foothills of the Pennines, 144 00:06:32,523 --> 00:06:35,363 just a stone's throw from the Yorkshire Dales. 145 00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:37,163 Oh, you mean Bradford. 146 00:06:38,763 --> 00:06:40,043 Well, yes. 147 00:06:40,043 --> 00:06:44,163 The air might be healthier, but the rest of it's a complete... Let's... 148 00:06:45,163 --> 00:06:47,403 Let's hear the rest of her news! 149 00:06:47,403 --> 00:06:50,043 We're very sorry to hear you're moving away, 150 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:53,483 we'll keep in touch and I promise we will come and visit, 151 00:06:53,483 --> 00:06:54,723 won't we? 152 00:06:54,723 --> 00:06:57,003 KHAN LAUGHS 153 00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:59,123 Yes, of course we will. 154 00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:00,763 What's the good news? 155 00:07:00,763 --> 00:07:03,803 We want you...to come with us! 156 00:07:03,803 --> 00:07:04,843 What?! 157 00:07:04,843 --> 00:07:06,643 We're going to downsize, 158 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:10,523 so we've decided to buy Amjad and his family their first house, 159 00:07:10,523 --> 00:07:13,523 just round the corner from our new place. 160 00:07:13,523 --> 00:07:15,243 No! Wow! 161 00:07:15,243 --> 00:07:16,923 Our own house! 162 00:07:16,923 --> 00:07:19,923 MRS MALIK: Yes. SHAZIA: That's such a kind offer! 163 00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:22,763 We don't know what to say, do we, budhoo? 164 00:07:22,763 --> 00:07:24,363 No. 165 00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:27,523 To be fair, he never knows what to say. 166 00:07:27,523 --> 00:07:29,643 Say no! Mum! 167 00:07:29,643 --> 00:07:31,923 I'm not going to let you take them away from us. 168 00:07:31,923 --> 00:07:35,123 See, this is the problem with this family. 169 00:07:35,123 --> 00:07:37,523 Too much parental interference. 170 00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:41,843 Young people need to be left to stand on their own two feet. 171 00:07:41,843 --> 00:07:45,403 You're buying them a flipping house! 172 00:07:45,403 --> 00:07:48,403 Shazia, you can't move to Bradford! 173 00:07:48,403 --> 00:07:50,523 You love living here, don't you? 174 00:07:50,523 --> 00:07:52,843 In your little house, next to your mummy! 175 00:07:52,843 --> 00:07:56,723 Your mummy who gave birth to you and raised you 176 00:07:56,723 --> 00:08:00,523 and slaved for 20 years to raise you, 177 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:04,443 sacrificing every dream she had so you could be happy! 178 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,043 Mum, don't do this. 179 00:08:06,043 --> 00:08:09,283 Shazia, we don't want you to move into a brand-new executive home 180 00:08:09,283 --> 00:08:11,003 in the Yorkshire Dales. 181 00:08:11,003 --> 00:08:14,163 You'd be far better off living in a cheap, rented house in Sparkhill, 182 00:08:14,163 --> 00:08:15,603 next to your parents. 183 00:08:16,803 --> 00:08:19,403 It has been great for Mo having you so close, 184 00:08:19,403 --> 00:08:22,683 but we have to think about the future, don't we, budhoo? Yes. 185 00:08:22,683 --> 00:08:25,963 And what do you think, beta? Of the future? 186 00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,683 Oh... 187 00:08:27,683 --> 00:08:29,203 Well, 188 00:08:29,203 --> 00:08:33,563 I think we might all travel around with jet packs... 189 00:08:33,563 --> 00:08:35,363 and have robots as our masters. 190 00:08:37,603 --> 00:08:39,603 I mean YOUR future. 191 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:40,843 Oh, right. 192 00:08:42,083 --> 00:08:45,643 We really want our own house, Mum, and realistically speaking, 193 00:08:45,643 --> 00:08:47,563 this is the only way we're going to get it. 194 00:08:47,563 --> 00:08:49,883 But this is bribery! You're bribing them 195 00:08:49,883 --> 00:08:53,123 just so you can have Baby Mo near you! It's disgraceful! 196 00:08:53,123 --> 00:08:56,043 Shazia, stay here with us. We'll give you the microwave 197 00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:58,803 and your mother's set of plastic furniture covers! 198 00:08:58,803 --> 00:08:59,963 Aargh! 199 00:08:59,963 --> 00:09:03,643 It's all right, I was lying about the covers! 200 00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:07,603 It's the right decision. The child should be closer to us. 201 00:09:07,603 --> 00:09:10,163 No way! He's more ours than yours, anyway. 202 00:09:10,163 --> 00:09:12,443 What are you talking about? Think about it! 203 00:09:12,443 --> 00:09:16,603 He's handsome, intelligent, may have some kind of superpower... 204 00:09:16,603 --> 00:09:19,003 These are all Khan family traits. 205 00:09:19,003 --> 00:09:20,803 What? 206 00:09:20,803 --> 00:09:24,563 It's genetics, isn't it? It's all to do with DNA. 207 00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:26,563 What does DNA stand for again? 208 00:09:28,043 --> 00:09:29,523 Definitely Not Amjad. 209 00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,483 Dad! 210 00:09:32,483 --> 00:09:34,883 So, how much more Khan is he? 211 00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:38,203 I don't know. Maybe 95% Khan. 212 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:41,603 So, he's just a quarter me? 213 00:09:41,603 --> 00:09:43,403 What's that? Like an arm and a leg? 214 00:09:43,403 --> 00:09:45,763 Well, it's not the brain, is it? 215 00:09:47,443 --> 00:09:50,923 Look, the point is, he's a Khan baby, so he should stay here with us. 216 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,803 What a load of rubbish. 217 00:09:52,803 --> 00:09:56,683 Come on, we're going to see a couple of places this afternoon. 218 00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:57,963 No... 219 00:09:57,963 --> 00:10:00,283 Oh, the pain! Ah, ah.. 220 00:10:00,283 --> 00:10:01,883 Mrs Khan, are you OK? 221 00:10:01,883 --> 00:10:04,043 She's just trying to guilt me into staying. 222 00:10:04,043 --> 00:10:06,243 Like when I was 11 and she faked a brain haemorrhage 223 00:10:06,243 --> 00:10:07,723 to stop me going for a sleepover. 224 00:10:09,683 --> 00:10:11,243 Ah... Mum... 225 00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:13,083 I understand you're upset, 226 00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:16,403 but we've got to think of the future. Aaaah! 227 00:10:16,403 --> 00:10:19,243 What if she's really ill? Maybe we should call an ambulance. 228 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:21,643 Yeah. Or I could just Google it? 229 00:10:21,643 --> 00:10:24,483 Such a clever girl! Imam and a doctor! 230 00:10:26,163 --> 00:10:27,843 Does it hurt when she coughs? 231 00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:29,723 MRS KHAN COUGHS AND MOANS 232 00:10:29,723 --> 00:10:31,243 Yes. 233 00:10:31,243 --> 00:10:34,923 Is she experiencing nausea, loss of appetite? 234 00:10:34,923 --> 00:10:36,643 MRS KHAN: Agh! Yes. 235 00:10:36,643 --> 00:10:39,363 I wouldn't eat her samosas either! 236 00:10:39,363 --> 00:10:42,923 Well, you've been eating somebody's samosas! 237 00:10:42,923 --> 00:10:44,243 Aah! 238 00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:47,003 You can overdramatise all you like! 239 00:10:47,003 --> 00:10:50,803 They're coming to Bradford with us, and that's final! 240 00:10:50,803 --> 00:10:52,563 Aah! 241 00:10:52,563 --> 00:10:57,043 SHAZIA: Well, according to this, she's got acute appendicitis! 242 00:10:57,043 --> 00:10:59,403 SCREAMING 243 00:10:59,403 --> 00:11:01,123 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 244 00:11:01,123 --> 00:11:05,883 Calm, on, everybody, come on. Oh, shut up! Come on! 245 00:11:05,883 --> 00:11:09,443 Everybody get out, come on. 246 00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:14,443 Ah! Come on, you. 247 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,243 Oh, eh? You see? 248 00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:21,363 At least I'm not the idiot, eh? Come on. 249 00:11:23,723 --> 00:11:24,883 Come on. 250 00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:26,243 Easy. 251 00:11:26,243 --> 00:11:28,323 Easy. We're in bay four. 252 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,443 Are we all in? Yes. 253 00:11:33,603 --> 00:11:35,843 Jaldi, jaldi! So, if you could... 254 00:11:35,843 --> 00:11:40,443 Eh, with my wife, it's best to let me do the talking, huh? I see. 255 00:11:40,443 --> 00:11:43,123 Well, if you can just ask her to pop herself onto the bed. 256 00:11:43,123 --> 00:11:45,443 Pop yourself onto the bed, sweetie... 257 00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:48,203 TRANSLATION: I'll pop you in a minute, you mad man! 258 00:11:48,203 --> 00:11:50,243 We'll just help her up. 259 00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,203 Ooh! That's it. 260 00:11:52,203 --> 00:11:55,043 If she can make herself as comfortable as possible. 261 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:57,563 Make yourself as comfortable as possible, sweetie. 262 00:11:57,563 --> 00:12:00,443 SHE SHOUTS IN URDU 263 00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:03,043 And a doctor will be along very soon to assess her. 264 00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:04,723 Why the hell are you talking to him? 265 00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,923 Oh! I thought perhaps you didn't speak English. 266 00:12:06,923 --> 00:12:09,763 Of course I speak English, you stupid woman! 267 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:12,363 She does speak English. I just swear in Urdu. 268 00:12:12,363 --> 00:12:14,563 SHE SPEAKS URDU 269 00:12:14,563 --> 00:12:16,003 What was that? 270 00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,843 I'd rather not say. 271 00:12:17,843 --> 00:12:20,843 But for the record, I think you've got a very nice nose. 272 00:12:20,843 --> 00:12:22,843 Please, can we just see a doctor? 273 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,083 I'm sure it will all be OK. 274 00:12:25,083 --> 00:12:27,763 I had appendicitis once and I was fine, 275 00:12:27,763 --> 00:12:29,163 and after the operation, 276 00:12:29,163 --> 00:12:31,403 I got to eat ice cream for a whole week. 277 00:12:31,403 --> 00:12:33,563 That's tonsillitis. Oh, yes. 278 00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:36,923 It says if gets really bad, the appendix could burst, 279 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:40,123 and that can lead to infection and even peritonitis, 280 00:12:40,123 --> 00:12:42,923 which in extreme cases may lead to... 281 00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:44,683 SHAZIA GASPS Oh, my God! 282 00:12:44,683 --> 00:12:47,483 What! What is it? My phone's nearly out of charge! 283 00:12:49,083 --> 00:12:51,163 Ah! I'll go and get a doctor. Thank you! 284 00:12:51,163 --> 00:12:53,283 Make it a Pakistani one! Dad! 285 00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:55,763 OK, doesn't have to be Pakistani. 286 00:12:55,763 --> 00:12:57,483 Just not Indian, huh? 287 00:12:57,483 --> 00:13:00,403 Or Polish, or Romanian, or Ethiopian, or... 288 00:13:00,403 --> 00:13:05,203 I think perhaps we ought to give you some privacy. 289 00:13:05,203 --> 00:13:10,163 Why don't Amjad and I take my grandson back to my house? No! 290 00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:14,763 Don't let her take my... Don't get yourself excited, sweetie.. 291 00:13:14,763 --> 00:13:17,443 She's going to take our grandson away from us! 292 00:13:17,443 --> 00:13:20,203 I don't want to be a long-distance grandparent! 293 00:13:20,203 --> 00:13:24,523 I don't want to miss his first steps, his first words. 294 00:13:24,523 --> 00:13:26,123 His first lottery win. 295 00:13:27,283 --> 00:13:29,363 You've got to stop her. But what about you? 296 00:13:29,363 --> 00:13:31,163 I'll be fine, just stop her. 297 00:13:31,163 --> 00:13:33,923 But how? Amjad is his father, after all. 298 00:13:33,923 --> 00:13:36,043 Just find a way! 299 00:13:36,043 --> 00:13:37,603 Promise me! 300 00:13:37,603 --> 00:13:39,883 Sweetie, you got some skin there! 301 00:13:39,883 --> 00:13:43,443 She is going to take our grandson to Bradford 302 00:13:43,443 --> 00:13:45,283 and turn him into a Malik! 303 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,963 Over my dead body! 304 00:13:46,963 --> 00:13:49,843 But not yours, though, my darling. KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT 305 00:13:53,203 --> 00:13:55,443 Just a moment. What is it? 306 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,843 He needs his nappy changing, and I'll do it. 307 00:13:57,843 --> 00:14:00,683 I can't smell anything. Oh? No sense of smell? 308 00:14:00,683 --> 00:14:04,043 That'll help you settle in when you move to Bradford. 309 00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:06,403 Come on, Amjad. I need your help. 310 00:14:06,403 --> 00:14:10,563 I'm not very good at nappies, sir. Forget the nappies. 311 00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:12,483 Look, you can't move to Bradford. 312 00:14:12,483 --> 00:14:15,003 They've got enough Pakistanis there already. 313 00:14:15,003 --> 00:14:17,963 But Mummy says that it would be good for me to move out 314 00:14:17,963 --> 00:14:19,403 and to have my own house. 315 00:14:19,403 --> 00:14:21,203 I've got a better idea. 316 00:14:21,203 --> 00:14:22,763 We're going to do a DNA test. 317 00:14:22,763 --> 00:14:24,603 We're going to prove, once and for all 318 00:14:24,603 --> 00:14:26,803 that Baby Mo is a Khan through and through. 319 00:14:26,803 --> 00:14:29,163 I'm not sure that's a good idea. Why not? 320 00:14:29,163 --> 00:14:32,323 I'm not very good at tests, and I haven't brought a pencil. 321 00:14:32,323 --> 00:14:36,363 Amjad, just wait over there with the toys. 322 00:14:36,363 --> 00:14:38,323 I meant with the boy! 323 00:14:38,323 --> 00:14:40,043 Oh, right. 324 00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,203 DNA test... 325 00:14:46,203 --> 00:14:47,803 DNA test... 326 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:49,123 Where is it? 327 00:14:49,123 --> 00:14:50,443 Oh! 328 00:14:50,443 --> 00:14:53,403 I want a DNA test, not do the blooming' washing up! 329 00:14:53,403 --> 00:14:55,043 Excuse me! Hai! 330 00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:57,923 Are you a doctor? What? Are you a doctor? 331 00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:01,443 Of course I'm a doctor. I'm Pakistani and I'm in a hospital. 332 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,203 What else could I be? 333 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,203 I'm Doctor Khan. And look... 334 00:15:05,203 --> 00:15:07,043 here's my white coat. 335 00:15:07,043 --> 00:15:08,723 I took it off to go to the loo, you see? 336 00:15:08,723 --> 00:15:11,803 Because my long, bendy thing gets stuck in my buttons. 337 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,243 Oh! 338 00:15:15,243 --> 00:15:20,003 Sorry, Doctor. I'm new here so I don't know everyone yet. No problem. 339 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:24,123 You're needed in cubicle seven. What?! Cubicle seven. 340 00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:27,243 Here we are, Mr Bowyer. 341 00:15:27,243 --> 00:15:32,003 I've brought Dr Khan to see you. Salaam Aleikum. 342 00:15:32,003 --> 00:15:35,403 There's nothing wrong with me, so get out and leave me alone! 343 00:15:35,403 --> 00:15:36,883 Oh, well, that was easy enough! 344 00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:40,083 As you can see, Mr Bowyer is being a little bit difficult. 345 00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:44,283 The next person who touches me is getting a smack in the mouth. 346 00:15:44,283 --> 00:15:47,043 I think you can take it from here. Please, Doctor! 347 00:15:47,043 --> 00:15:50,683 This is Darren Bowyer, 43, he's in a lot of pain, 348 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:56,083 he's passed out once already and may have dislocated his shoulder. 349 00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,043 Mmm. Mmm. That all seems in order. 350 00:15:58,043 --> 00:15:59,923 Don't you want to examine him? 351 00:15:59,923 --> 00:16:02,363 ..OK. 352 00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:08,123 Aargh! What do you suggest we should do? 353 00:16:08,123 --> 00:16:11,323 Well, don't touch that for a start. Touch what? That. Aargh! 354 00:16:11,323 --> 00:16:14,683 What are you playing at?! Maybe you should stop pressing there. 355 00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:18,283 That was touching. This is pressing. Aaargh! Get him off me! 356 00:16:18,283 --> 00:16:22,043 Calm down, sir. Dr Khan knows what he's doing. 357 00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:23,203 What are you doing? 358 00:16:23,203 --> 00:16:25,923 I'm just getting a second opinion. From who? 359 00:16:25,923 --> 00:16:28,203 My colleague. Dr G...Oogle. 360 00:16:30,563 --> 00:16:34,083 Shall I give him pain killers? Organise an X-ray? 361 00:16:34,083 --> 00:16:37,083 All of those things. Plus, we'll do a DNA test. 362 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:40,603 A DNA test? Are you sure? Of course I'm sure! I'm a bloomin' doctor! 363 00:16:40,603 --> 00:16:43,043 Why do you think I'm wearing this white coat - 364 00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:44,763 because I'm a cricket umpire(?) 365 00:16:44,763 --> 00:16:48,323 Sorry, Doctor! That's OK. Now you're out. 366 00:16:49,803 --> 00:16:51,483 Bye. 367 00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:53,803 Don't worry, it'll all be fine! 368 00:16:53,803 --> 00:16:56,643 Whoops! I nearly did it again there! 369 00:16:56,643 --> 00:16:59,843 Argh! Oh twaddi! 370 00:16:59,843 --> 00:17:03,563 I'll just put this back up. Ohhh! 371 00:17:06,803 --> 00:17:08,123 Put this over there... 372 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:11,403 BEEPING What's that?! 373 00:17:11,403 --> 00:17:15,963 Oh! Heart attack! He's having a heart attack! 374 00:17:15,963 --> 00:17:18,243 I'll save you! 375 00:17:24,323 --> 00:17:30,003 Come on! Twaddi-twaddi-twaddi-twaddi-twadd...! 376 00:17:30,003 --> 00:17:31,683 Oh, no! 377 00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:34,243 Right! I'll get this. 378 00:17:34,243 --> 00:17:35,763 Over here. 379 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:37,883 Turn it up to the max. 380 00:17:44,003 --> 00:17:46,403 They do this on Holby Cities! 381 00:17:46,403 --> 00:17:48,043 Ready! Clear! 382 00:18:06,523 --> 00:18:09,003 GROANING 383 00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:12,363 Will the doctor be here soon? Of course they will. Any moment. 384 00:18:12,363 --> 00:18:14,723 Only I've got meet my mates, so... 385 00:18:16,243 --> 00:18:18,603 Fine! I'll call them and tell them I'll be late. 386 00:18:18,603 --> 00:18:22,163 You can't do that in here. It's a hospital. Right! I'll go outside! 387 00:18:22,163 --> 00:18:23,763 See if you can find a doctor! 388 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,803 This is the problem with the NHS. 389 00:18:26,803 --> 00:18:29,843 That's why Mr Malik and I go private. 390 00:18:29,843 --> 00:18:32,523 I can phone my doctor any time, day or night 391 00:18:32,523 --> 00:18:34,283 and he will see me straight away. 392 00:18:34,283 --> 00:18:38,003 Can't you call him now? Hardly. He's on holiday in Barbados. 393 00:18:39,323 --> 00:18:41,963 Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Doctor Shah. 394 00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:45,443 Oh, thank God. It's my mum. Hello there, Mrs...? Khan. 395 00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:50,203 Hello, Mrs Khan. What seems to be the problem? Well, Doctor... 396 00:18:50,203 --> 00:18:52,723 it's my daughters. Sorry? 397 00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:55,443 One of them is moving away and she's going to take my grandson 398 00:18:55,443 --> 00:18:57,163 so I'll never see him again. 399 00:18:57,163 --> 00:19:00,403 And the other one is out all hours and she mixes with the wrong crowd! 400 00:19:00,403 --> 00:19:03,963 Mum! We think she's got appendicitis. I see. 401 00:19:03,963 --> 00:19:06,363 And what makes you think that? That's what Alia said. 402 00:19:06,363 --> 00:19:08,443 And Alia is...? The delinquent. 403 00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:13,523 Right. So she's not medical. No. But she is single. 404 00:19:14,723 --> 00:19:18,523 Are you married? Why don't we check on your appendix? 405 00:19:18,523 --> 00:19:23,283 Is that sore? Yes. So you're not married? Let's not worry about me. 406 00:19:23,283 --> 00:19:26,043 Alia's a very nice girl really. 407 00:19:26,043 --> 00:19:28,203 Very beautiful. Lovely figure. 408 00:19:28,203 --> 00:19:31,323 Mum, he's not interested in Alia. So what do you think? 409 00:19:31,323 --> 00:19:36,243 She does sound nice. I meant about Mum. Right, sorry... 410 00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:40,563 You should meet her, Doctor. I'm sure you'll get on. 411 00:19:40,563 --> 00:19:44,883 This hospital is rubbish. You can't get a signal anywhere... Oh, hi. 412 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:50,643 Hello. I'm Alia. I thought you might be. I'm Kareem. 413 00:19:52,683 --> 00:19:57,203 I mean Doctor Shah. How's Mum? Much better. 414 00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:03,723 Ah, there you are! What took you so long? 415 00:20:03,723 --> 00:20:06,643 How's Mr Bowyer doing? He's much better. 416 00:20:08,963 --> 00:20:13,003 How are we doing now, Mr Bowyer? GROANING 417 00:20:16,363 --> 00:20:20,923 "And then the little mouse said, let's go and find our friend..." 418 00:20:20,923 --> 00:20:23,523 Argh! 419 00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:24,923 "..the fox. 420 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:28,963 "And the fox said, let's go and find our friend..." 421 00:20:28,963 --> 00:20:30,723 Argh! 422 00:20:30,723 --> 00:20:32,163 "..the badger. 423 00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:35,603 "And the badger said..." Amjad. Hello, sir. 424 00:20:35,603 --> 00:20:37,363 Open your mouth. What for? 425 00:20:37,363 --> 00:20:40,163 I need a sample for the DNA test. But you're not a doctor. 426 00:20:40,163 --> 00:20:43,043 Neither are you, but we got over that. 427 00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:46,083 Now, open wide... No. Amjad! 428 00:20:47,643 --> 00:20:49,523 What's the next page in your book? 429 00:20:51,443 --> 00:20:53,083 Argh! Thank you. 430 00:20:55,803 --> 00:20:58,643 Now, where's baby Mo? He's over there sleeping. 431 00:20:58,643 --> 00:21:01,803 He doesn't like these books. We need to get him swabbed! 432 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,643 We won't wake him. 433 00:21:07,483 --> 00:21:09,163 That's it. 434 00:21:11,883 --> 00:21:14,483 Here, take this to be tested double quick. 435 00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:18,043 I hear the Jeremy Kyle show's in town and I want to beat the rush! 436 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:28,483 Sweetie! It's all OK. I've taken care of everything. 437 00:21:29,843 --> 00:21:31,003 Where's she gone? 438 00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:35,363 Urrgh. It smells like something died in here! 439 00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:43,443 Mrs Khan! No! She must have passed away before they could operate! 440 00:21:43,443 --> 00:21:47,923 Oh, my God! They tried to save her but there was nothing they could do! 441 00:21:47,923 --> 00:21:50,483 No! It can't be! 442 00:21:52,283 --> 00:21:56,003 Why?! Why did this happen?! 443 00:21:56,003 --> 00:21:58,363 It's all my fault! 444 00:21:58,363 --> 00:22:00,883 I should have taken more care of you. 445 00:22:00,883 --> 00:22:03,443 Like when I refused to turn up the heating. 446 00:22:05,163 --> 00:22:08,163 How could I have been so mean?! 447 00:22:08,163 --> 00:22:12,683 Although I did buy you those thermal socks which you refused to wear. 448 00:22:12,683 --> 00:22:15,043 Don't blame yourself, sir. 449 00:22:16,123 --> 00:22:18,483 No, I should blame myself. 450 00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:22,203 I'm a bad husband. I didn't appreciate her enough. 451 00:22:22,203 --> 00:22:24,923 I didn't tell her I loved her enough. 452 00:22:24,923 --> 00:22:27,723 You didn't buy her nice presents on her birthday. 453 00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:29,323 All right, Amjad. Sorry, sir. 454 00:22:31,403 --> 00:22:34,923 It can't be! Not my little gulab jamun. 455 00:22:34,923 --> 00:22:37,203 Not my sweetie sweetie twinkle binkle! 456 00:22:38,883 --> 00:22:40,243 Is everything all right? 457 00:22:40,243 --> 00:22:43,763 He's a bit upset because Mrs Khan's just died. No, she hasn't. 458 00:22:43,763 --> 00:22:45,963 She's been discharged. What? 459 00:22:47,563 --> 00:22:50,163 It wasn't appendicitis, it was trapped wind. 460 00:22:51,723 --> 00:22:53,443 That explains the smell. 461 00:22:55,363 --> 00:22:57,643 Thank you, God! 462 00:22:57,643 --> 00:22:59,843 Who's sweetie sweetie twinkle binkle? 463 00:22:59,843 --> 00:23:01,363 Nobody! Shut up. Let's go! 464 00:23:08,403 --> 00:23:12,363 Here we are. Thank you, beti. And thank you for the lift home. 465 00:23:12,363 --> 00:23:16,523 Well, I wasn't going to sit there waiting for your husband. 466 00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:18,923 God knows what he's up to. 467 00:23:18,923 --> 00:23:21,963 How are you feeling, Mum? Much better. 468 00:23:21,963 --> 00:23:24,403 The doctor said there was nothing wrong with her. 469 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,243 No, he said she was stressed. 470 00:23:26,243 --> 00:23:28,803 He said I have to stop bottling everything up inside. 471 00:23:28,803 --> 00:23:31,283 I've got to let it all go. 472 00:23:31,283 --> 00:23:34,443 Well, you certainly managed to do that. 473 00:23:36,043 --> 00:23:39,283 At least you don't need to worry about Alia any more. Huh? 474 00:23:39,283 --> 00:23:41,323 How's it going with Doctor Kareem? 475 00:23:42,643 --> 00:23:47,243 So I'm like, "SOMY, smiley face," and he's like "No way! CUIMD," 476 00:23:47,243 --> 00:23:50,803 so I go, "NIICUF," and he's all, "FBM hashtag Freddy Krueger!" 477 00:23:51,883 --> 00:23:53,323 It means he likes her. 478 00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:57,963 Well, soon you won't have to worry about Shazia and Baby Mo 479 00:23:57,963 --> 00:24:01,283 because they'll be with us in Bradford. No! 480 00:24:01,283 --> 00:24:03,043 Where is my grandson anyway? 481 00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:05,883 THROAT BEING CLEARED LOUDLY That's them. 482 00:24:05,883 --> 00:24:08,843 Let me see my grandson. No, he's sleeping. 483 00:24:08,843 --> 00:24:12,923 And he's not your grandson. He's my grandson. Mine and Mrs Khan's. 484 00:24:12,923 --> 00:24:14,763 That was a close thing - 485 00:24:14,763 --> 00:24:17,963 you almost got lumbered with the Pakistani Addams Family! Rubbish. 486 00:24:17,963 --> 00:24:20,363 Keep out of it, Uncle Fester-ji! 487 00:24:20,363 --> 00:24:23,923 This baby is more Khan than Malik, and I can prove it. 488 00:24:23,923 --> 00:24:29,523 What are you talking about? I have here the results of a DNA tes 489 00:24:29,523 --> 00:24:34,603 which clearly shows the percentage of Malik DNA in this baby is... 490 00:24:34,603 --> 00:24:38,603 zero. What! Oh, my God! 491 00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:41,763 I knew it! 100% Khan! 492 00:24:41,763 --> 00:24:46,323 Dad, that's impossible. All babies are genetically 50/50. 493 00:24:46,323 --> 00:24:50,523 Half mum, half dad. But, then, what does that DNA test mean? 494 00:24:50,523 --> 00:24:53,083 I think we all know. 495 00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:57,363 Shazia, tell them Amjad is the father of that baby. I can't. 496 00:24:57,363 --> 00:25:02,803 Why not? Because he isn't. Oh, my God! 497 00:25:02,803 --> 00:25:06,323 Amjad's not his father and I'm not its mother. 498 00:25:06,323 --> 00:25:08,363 Because this isn't our baby! 499 00:25:13,043 --> 00:25:17,043 They were both wearing the same shirt, how was I supposed to know? 500 00:25:17,043 --> 00:25:19,323 Ah, here he is! 501 00:25:19,323 --> 00:25:21,283 A bit tacky. 502 00:25:21,283 --> 00:25:25,923 Here's your one. And try not to lose him. 503 00:25:28,323 --> 00:25:31,883 We gave him some samosas, so you might need to change his nappy. 504 00:25:35,923 --> 00:25:39,683 It's fine, it's all sorted. Oh, thank God he's all right. 505 00:25:39,683 --> 00:25:42,843 Now there can be no more argument. 506 00:25:42,843 --> 00:25:45,723 The further away from this house baby Mohammad is, 507 00:25:45,723 --> 00:25:47,923 the safer he's going to be! 508 00:25:47,923 --> 00:25:53,483 You idiot! You were supposed to stop her taking him away! Sweetie! 509 00:25:53,483 --> 00:25:57,283 If you're going to get stressed again, at least let me open a window. 510 00:25:57,283 --> 00:25:59,483 Don't talk to me! 511 00:26:01,803 --> 00:26:07,323 Look, my darling, I'm sorry about the baby mix-up. 512 00:26:07,323 --> 00:26:08,923 And the DNA test. 513 00:26:08,923 --> 00:26:12,443 But, in the end, it makes sense for them to move. 514 00:26:12,443 --> 00:26:14,443 They'll have their own house. 515 00:26:14,443 --> 00:26:16,643 A foot on the property ladder. 516 00:26:16,643 --> 00:26:18,083 I know, but... 517 00:26:18,083 --> 00:26:21,923 And we can see Baby Mo every day on the Skype and the Facetime. 518 00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:25,843 Wait, do they have computers in Bradford? 519 00:26:27,243 --> 00:26:28,883 But what about MY baby? 520 00:26:28,883 --> 00:26:32,523 What about Shazia? She's never been away from us. 521 00:26:32,523 --> 00:26:37,763 Sweetie, she's got her own life now. We have to let her live it. 522 00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:39,763 I suppose you're right. 523 00:26:39,763 --> 00:26:42,603 And Alia will be going to university soon. 524 00:26:42,603 --> 00:26:44,883 They've grown up so quickly. 525 00:26:44,883 --> 00:26:47,843 It seems like only yesterday they were in pigtails, 526 00:26:47,843 --> 00:26:50,323 doing shows for us in the front room. 527 00:26:51,323 --> 00:26:53,443 Our own little Pakistani Little Mix. 528 00:26:55,443 --> 00:26:57,523 But we can't hold on to them forever. 529 00:26:59,923 --> 00:27:02,043 Shazia, your mother and I have decided 530 00:27:02,043 --> 00:27:06,603 to give you, Amjad and Baby Mo our blessing to move. 531 00:27:06,603 --> 00:27:09,443 After all, if Bradford won't come to Mohammad, 532 00:27:09,443 --> 00:27:11,443 then Mohammad must go to Bradford. 533 00:27:12,643 --> 00:27:14,683 We're not going. 534 00:27:14,683 --> 00:27:17,763 What? I told Mrs Malik we won't be moving to Bradford. 535 00:27:18,963 --> 00:27:20,563 Oh, my God! Oh, thank God! 536 00:27:20,563 --> 00:27:22,403 After everything that's happened today, 537 00:27:22,403 --> 00:27:24,803 I realised we can't leave Sparkhill. 538 00:27:24,803 --> 00:27:27,643 Is that because you need your mother's help looking after the baby? 539 00:27:27,643 --> 00:27:30,243 Because she needs our help looking after you. 540 00:27:31,723 --> 00:27:34,443 But what about your house and a place of your own? 541 00:27:34,443 --> 00:27:37,803 Maybe Dad can help us out when he wins the Lottery. 542 00:27:37,803 --> 00:27:40,683 The Lottery! I forgot to buy my ticket! 543 00:27:44,243 --> 00:27:46,683 These were going to be the winning numbers. 544 00:27:46,683 --> 00:27:49,523 What, because Baby Mo told you? Exactly! 545 00:27:49,523 --> 00:27:52,803 Come on, come on, they must be here somewhere... 546 00:27:52,803 --> 00:27:57,403 Dad, he's an amazing little boy. But he's not psychic. You do know that. 547 00:27:57,403 --> 00:28:02,803 4, 8, 17, 25, 29, 34... Oh, twaadi-i-i!