1 00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:08,083 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:14,363 --> 00:00:15,763 They all know me. 3 00:00:15,763 --> 00:00:17,403 Do you like my suit? 4 00:00:18,483 --> 00:00:21,683 Number one, Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:21,683 --> 00:00:23,643 HE SINGS 6 00:00:24,843 --> 00:00:29,043 Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad! What are you doing? 7 00:00:29,043 --> 00:00:31,483 It's the Great Sparkhill Bake Off! 8 00:00:31,483 --> 00:00:34,683 I'm doing a pineapple inside out cake. 9 00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:36,443 You mean upside down? 10 00:00:39,403 --> 00:00:42,883 Winner gets picture in the paper, interview with Midlands Today 11 00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:47,523 and a special invitation for dinner at Mr Javed's house. Wow. 12 00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:49,603 Can you imagine me at Mr Javed's house? 13 00:00:49,603 --> 00:00:51,523 Sitting at his marble dining table, 14 00:00:51,523 --> 00:00:55,123 while he nibbles on my coconut madeleines? 15 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:59,283 Sounds amazing. But I thought you said baking wasn't very manly? 16 00:00:59,283 --> 00:01:01,763 It is the way I do! 17 00:01:01,763 --> 00:01:04,243 DRILL WHIRS 18 00:01:08,483 --> 00:01:12,363 Look at that, eh? I'm bound to win! Who wouldn't like that? 19 00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:15,563 My mum wouldn't. She doesn't like pineapples. 20 00:01:15,563 --> 00:01:18,883 Or cherries. Or grapefruit. Or pomegranate. 21 00:01:18,883 --> 00:01:22,803 Look, Amjad, talk to the hand, the beard ain't listening. 22 00:01:22,803 --> 00:01:25,723 Nobody cares what your mother likes. 23 00:01:25,723 --> 00:01:27,643 I suppose. 24 00:01:27,643 --> 00:01:31,443 Although, she is chairman of the judges. Oh, twaddi! 25 00:01:31,443 --> 00:01:35,283 Maybe she'll like it with cream on. 26 00:01:35,283 --> 00:01:38,323 There we go. Do you want a taste? 27 00:01:38,323 --> 00:01:41,083 I shouldn't. I'm watching my figure. 28 00:01:41,083 --> 00:01:45,123 Come on. It won't make you fat, it's very light and fluffy. 29 00:01:45,123 --> 00:01:47,443 Oh, go on, then! 30 00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:50,843 SAW WHIRS 31 00:02:03,683 --> 00:02:05,603 Here we are! 32 00:02:15,243 --> 00:02:17,603 Kitchen table's broken again. 33 00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:20,603 You promised you weren't going to enter any more competitions. 34 00:02:20,603 --> 00:02:22,803 Not after last year's Curry Challenge. 35 00:02:22,803 --> 00:02:27,843 Even now, poor Mrs Anwar can't be more than 20 feet from a lavatory. 36 00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:30,923 That's what happens when you use an Indian recipe by mistake! 37 00:02:32,283 --> 00:02:35,203 Hello, sweetie. Do you want to try my back to front cake? 38 00:02:35,203 --> 00:02:39,163 No, thanks. I'm not hungry. Are you OK? You don't look well. 39 00:02:39,163 --> 00:02:42,723 I'm fine. What time did you get in last night? Can't remember. 40 00:02:42,723 --> 00:02:45,843 You were out late again. Papaji said I could. 41 00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,923 She was at the mosque. All-night prayers. 42 00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:57,523 Look at the state of her. It's hard work being that good. 43 00:02:58,523 --> 00:03:01,163 She is mixing with the wrong crowd. 44 00:03:01,163 --> 00:03:03,163 You mean her study group? 45 00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:06,323 You need to meet some nicer people. More sensible. Reliable. 46 00:03:06,323 --> 00:03:08,563 You mean boring? No, thanks. 47 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:13,043 There's a Pakistani singles party today, at the community centre. 48 00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:16,563 What? It's just a chance for busy young people to get together. 49 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:20,323 No way! Sweetie, I don't think it's right to interfere 50 00:03:20,323 --> 00:03:22,403 in Alia's personal life. 51 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,163 When the time is right, she should have a choice. 52 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:28,683 Either Mr Javed's son the doctor. Or Mr Javed's other son the accountant. 53 00:03:30,323 --> 00:03:35,203 I've already paid the fee. What? Why don't you just give it a chance, beti? 54 00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:39,963 Why can't you just leave me alone? I feel sick. I'm going back to bed. 55 00:03:39,963 --> 00:03:42,723 Well, if she's not going, we'll have to go for her. We? 56 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,483 I'm not going on my own. What about my cake? 57 00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:47,483 I'll get started for you, sir. 58 00:03:47,483 --> 00:03:50,363 We could make a lemon drizzle cake? That's my mummy's favourite. 59 00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:52,923 What are the ingredients? Lemons... 60 00:03:54,163 --> 00:03:56,123 ..and drizzle! 61 00:04:02,723 --> 00:04:07,803 Now, just be nice, write down their details and try not to put them off! 62 00:04:07,803 --> 00:04:09,843 What? How could I put them off? 63 00:04:09,843 --> 00:04:12,043 HE HAWKS 64 00:04:13,043 --> 00:04:16,043 Oh, hello...Haroon. Hello. 65 00:04:16,043 --> 00:04:19,163 We are here on behalf of our daughter. 66 00:04:19,163 --> 00:04:20,963 Her name is Alia... 67 00:04:20,963 --> 00:04:24,243 That's with an A, as in "Apple of our eyes"... 68 00:04:24,243 --> 00:04:27,243 and Khan. That's with a K. 69 00:04:27,243 --> 00:04:30,083 As in, "Keep your filthy hands off my daughter!" 70 00:04:33,043 --> 00:04:38,283 I don't know what it is, but there's something about you I really like. 71 00:04:42,043 --> 00:04:44,683 No, thank you! 72 00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:47,723 So, Iqbal, can you tell us anything about yourself? 73 00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:52,083 Anything at all? What sort of things do you like? 74 00:04:54,443 --> 00:04:56,923 There must be something. Come on... 75 00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,243 I suppose I mainly like big boobies. 76 00:05:08,443 --> 00:05:11,483 Hi. Hi. How's it going? Not very well. 77 00:05:11,483 --> 00:05:14,963 Same here. My parents insisted I came. 78 00:05:14,963 --> 00:05:17,603 Much rather be at home watching the cricket! 79 00:05:17,603 --> 00:05:19,323 Not found your type yet? 80 00:05:19,323 --> 00:05:23,083 Oh, to be honest, I don't think there's much chance I'll find MY type here. 81 00:05:23,083 --> 00:05:25,403 I know what you mean. 82 00:05:25,403 --> 00:05:29,283 Nice beard, by the way. Thanks. 83 00:05:29,283 --> 00:05:31,003 OK, let's cut to the chase... 84 00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:33,283 I'm looking for a young man. 85 00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:35,483 Wow. OK. 86 00:05:35,483 --> 00:05:38,483 You could be just what I need. Right. 87 00:05:38,483 --> 00:05:42,523 Well, you know. I mean, I feel the same. 88 00:05:42,523 --> 00:05:46,163 Excellent. Write your name down on here. OK. Old school. 89 00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:52,603 That's it. There you go. And what about you? What's your name? 90 00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:56,283 Mr Khan. Community leader. They all know me. I bet they do. 91 00:05:57,363 --> 00:06:00,283 So, shall we go somewhere now, or...? 92 00:06:00,283 --> 00:06:05,043 Wow. You're keen! I suppose we could go back to my place. Really? 93 00:06:05,043 --> 00:06:09,083 Get to know each other, who knows where that might lead? 94 00:06:09,083 --> 00:06:11,763 I'm just waiting for my wife. Your wife?! 95 00:06:11,763 --> 00:06:14,843 Yeah, she's helping me find someone. OK, listen, I'm not really... 96 00:06:14,843 --> 00:06:18,843 Don't worry! There's no pressure. It's a free choice. 97 00:06:18,843 --> 00:06:21,243 We're a very modern family. 98 00:06:21,243 --> 00:06:25,363 No kidding. You're sure your wife doesn't mind? It was her idea! 99 00:06:25,363 --> 00:06:28,963 Right, I think I've got four or five possibles... There's no need. 100 00:06:28,963 --> 00:06:31,003 I've found the one. 101 00:06:31,003 --> 00:06:35,243 He's perfect. Alia's going to love him. Who's Alia? 102 00:06:35,243 --> 00:06:37,843 My daughter. Why do you think I needed a man? 103 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,803 WE HAVE TO GO! Hai hai! 104 00:06:42,683 --> 00:06:44,323 Call me! 105 00:06:47,843 --> 00:06:51,883 Why don't you at least meet one of them? No. Just leave me alone. 106 00:06:53,323 --> 00:06:56,363 She won't even meet them. Tell her how nice they were. 107 00:06:56,363 --> 00:06:59,123 That bunch of lemons! None of them were suitable! 108 00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:02,803 I'm not going out with some greasy-haired dork with glasses who works in IT! 109 00:07:02,803 --> 00:07:04,163 They're not all like that. 110 00:07:04,163 --> 00:07:08,963 Look, this one works in data management. Oh, my God! 111 00:07:08,963 --> 00:07:12,803 Are the swimming towels in here? I'm going to my room. 112 00:07:12,803 --> 00:07:18,123 What's going on? Your sister's upset because your mother wants her to be friends with some nerds. 113 00:07:18,123 --> 00:07:20,043 Why don't you just leave her alone? 114 00:07:20,043 --> 00:07:24,723 Because she's got to buck her ideas up and start mixing with a better class of person! 115 00:07:24,723 --> 00:07:27,443 She's fine. Isn't she, Shazia? 'Course she is! 116 00:07:27,443 --> 00:07:29,283 Anyway, she's already got a boyfriend. 117 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,003 What? 118 00:07:32,283 --> 00:07:34,443 I mean... She's got a boyfriend?! 119 00:07:34,443 --> 00:07:38,403 Maybe. She might have. I'm not sure. 120 00:07:38,403 --> 00:07:41,603 Shazia, Alia hasn't got a boyfriend, 121 00:07:41,603 --> 00:07:44,443 she doesn't even talk to boys! 122 00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:47,483 Except at the ones at her mosque study group. Oh, my God! 123 00:07:47,483 --> 00:07:52,483 It's probably some big, smelly biker covered in tattoos! 124 00:07:52,483 --> 00:07:54,883 Sweetie, you're over reacting. 125 00:07:54,883 --> 00:07:56,523 Alia is a good girl. 126 00:07:56,523 --> 00:07:58,963 I'm sure this is all very innocent. 127 00:07:58,963 --> 00:08:05,163 Now, Shazia, this friend who is a boy/boyfriend, 128 00:08:05,163 --> 00:08:08,483 is it someone who works at the mosque? No. 129 00:08:08,483 --> 00:08:12,283 The library? I don't think so. So, where does he work? 130 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,963 The pub. 131 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,723 The pub? Oh, my God! 132 00:08:18,723 --> 00:08:20,603 Nice pub? 133 00:08:20,603 --> 00:08:23,523 The Rat and Shotgun on Boulders Lane. 134 00:08:23,523 --> 00:08:25,683 Oh, my God. 135 00:08:25,683 --> 00:08:29,043 Calm down, my darling. That doesn't mean anything. 136 00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:32,843 Lots of perfectly respectable people go to pubs. 137 00:08:32,843 --> 00:08:35,963 The imam and I once shared an orange and passion fruit J2O 138 00:08:35,963 --> 00:08:38,923 in the Mucky Ducky in Acocks Green. 139 00:08:38,923 --> 00:08:43,163 I don't think he's an imam. But he's not what your mother said, huh? 140 00:08:43,163 --> 00:08:46,003 A smelly biker covered in tattoos? No. 141 00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:48,803 I mean, he's probably not smelly. 142 00:08:48,803 --> 00:08:52,563 And they don't call them tattoos now, it's more like body art. 143 00:08:53,643 --> 00:08:55,923 You like art. Don't you, sweetie? 144 00:08:57,163 --> 00:09:02,043 Does he have a name, this sweet smelling biker with body art? 145 00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:03,963 I think he's called Scab? 146 00:09:06,123 --> 00:09:10,003 Hai hai! Please, Shazia, just tell me one thing. 147 00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:14,163 This smelly biker covered in tattoos, is he Pakistani? 148 00:09:14,163 --> 00:09:16,363 Of course he's not Pakistani, you idiot! 149 00:09:16,363 --> 00:09:18,523 Does Scab sound like a Pakistani name to you? 150 00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:22,843 What are we going to do? I'm going to take Naani swimming! 151 00:09:22,843 --> 00:09:27,643 Someone is just going to have to go to the pub and tell this Scab to stop seeing Alia. 152 00:09:27,643 --> 00:09:30,083 But Boulders Green is dangerous! 153 00:09:30,083 --> 00:09:34,563 Without armoured support vehicles it'll be suicide! 154 00:09:34,563 --> 00:09:36,123 Take someone with you, then! 155 00:09:36,123 --> 00:09:39,683 Where am I going to find somebody stupid enough to come with me? 156 00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:46,443 I can't find a recipe for drizzle, sir! 157 00:09:47,603 --> 00:09:49,523 Amjad, fancy a pint? 158 00:09:56,763 --> 00:10:01,923 MUSIC: Paranoid by Black Sabbath 159 00:10:04,883 --> 00:10:07,283 MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY 160 00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,603 Assalam aleikum. 161 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,843 Maybe I should wait in the car? 162 00:10:15,843 --> 00:10:18,243 Amjad! I need you! 163 00:10:19,403 --> 00:10:22,803 What for? In case it all kicks off. 164 00:10:22,803 --> 00:10:26,283 I'm not allowed to make arrests while I'm off duty, sir. 165 00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,203 I don't need you to arrest them, 166 00:10:28,203 --> 00:10:30,643 just give them someone to punch while I get away. 167 00:10:30,643 --> 00:10:32,363 Oh, right. 168 00:10:33,563 --> 00:10:35,203 Wait, what? 169 00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:40,523 Hello, Mr Waiter. We're looking for someone called Scab? 170 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:45,003 LOUD CHEERS 171 00:10:46,003 --> 00:10:48,043 Oh, God. 172 00:10:48,043 --> 00:10:50,683 Not him. Him. 173 00:10:56,643 --> 00:10:59,923 I haven't seen this many beards since Friday prayers. 174 00:11:03,123 --> 00:11:04,563 MR KHAN HAWKS 175 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:08,323 Oh, hiya. The changing room's just round there. If you follow me, I'll show you. What? 176 00:11:08,323 --> 00:11:10,403 Aren't you the act? What act? 177 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,563 For the Eurovision night. I'm guessing you're Conchita? 178 00:11:16,403 --> 00:11:19,843 I'm Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me! You're Alia's dad! 179 00:11:19,843 --> 00:11:22,563 There you go. Oh, I'm so sorry. And so you should be. 180 00:11:22,563 --> 00:11:27,323 Now, listen to me, young Scabby, me and you need to have little chitty chatty. Yeah, of course! 181 00:11:27,323 --> 00:11:30,483 May I just say what an absolute honour it is to meet you, sir. 182 00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:32,203 Is it? 183 00:11:32,203 --> 00:11:33,643 Alia's told me all about you. 184 00:11:33,643 --> 00:11:36,563 Has she? Oh, yes. You are a legend in Sparkhill. 185 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,923 Am I? 186 00:11:38,923 --> 00:11:41,003 So, what do you want to chat about? 187 00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:45,243 Oh, yes. Now, are you or are you not Alia's boyfriend? 188 00:11:45,243 --> 00:11:47,043 Yes. Ah, don't try to deny it! 189 00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:50,283 No, I'm not! I mean, yes, I am her boyfriend. Ah-ha! 190 00:11:50,283 --> 00:11:53,443 I mean, we like each other and we hang out together. 191 00:11:53,443 --> 00:11:57,603 With other people though, cos obviously I know it's a sensitive area. It is a bit. 192 00:11:59,043 --> 00:12:03,483 OK, I've heard enough. You can't see Alia any more. What? Why? 193 00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:05,283 Because Mrs Khan told... 194 00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:09,523 I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. 195 00:12:09,523 --> 00:12:11,723 I see. 196 00:12:11,723 --> 00:12:13,963 Well, we should probably be going. 197 00:12:15,043 --> 00:12:18,043 Hey, hang on. Is it because I'm not Muslim? 198 00:12:18,043 --> 00:12:21,083 Yes! That's it. Not Muslim. 199 00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:23,443 We lot are a bit funny about that, you see. 200 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,683 Well, then, that's fine, because I'm converting. What? 201 00:12:26,683 --> 00:12:28,323 Yeah, I'm converting to Islam. 202 00:12:28,323 --> 00:12:30,523 I've been thinking about it for ages, actually. 203 00:12:30,523 --> 00:12:32,923 I've read the Koran, done loads of research 204 00:12:32,923 --> 00:12:35,203 and I go to the mosque all the time. Good for you. 205 00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:39,563 So, everything's fine then, yeah? 206 00:12:39,563 --> 00:12:44,043 No. You're not Pakistani and there's no conversion course for that. 207 00:12:44,043 --> 00:12:47,843 Right. I mean, I have been to Pakistan. 208 00:12:47,843 --> 00:12:50,843 Yeah. I spent a year there with this charity I work for. 209 00:12:50,843 --> 00:12:55,243 My Pakistani name is Amjad. That's my Pakistani name! 210 00:12:55,243 --> 00:12:59,163 Look, Mr Khan, if I could maybe come home with you? Speak to Mrs Khan? 211 00:12:59,163 --> 00:13:00,883 I wouldn't recommend that. 212 00:13:01,923 --> 00:13:04,203 I do like Alia ever such a lot. 213 00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:09,563 No! Look, Scabby, you seem like a nice boy, 214 00:13:09,563 --> 00:13:13,723 but I haven't got time for this, I've got to get to the Cash and Carry and work out how to make a... 215 00:13:13,723 --> 00:13:17,963 Lemon drizzle cake. ..before Mrs Mary Berry bloomin' Malik turns up. 216 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,803 Oh, it's easy. It's just milk, sugar, eggs, flour, baking powder 217 00:13:20,803 --> 00:13:23,083 and lemons. But you only use the zest. 218 00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:27,523 I'm a chef. 219 00:13:27,523 --> 00:13:29,883 Fine. Meet me at my house at four o'clock. 220 00:13:29,883 --> 00:13:31,483 Come on. 221 00:13:38,523 --> 00:13:40,683 Please, come on through. 222 00:13:40,683 --> 00:13:44,683 I must say, I was surprised to hear that Mrs Khan had entered... 223 00:13:44,683 --> 00:13:47,603 having tasted her gulab jamuns! 224 00:13:47,603 --> 00:13:49,643 It's not her. Oh? 225 00:13:49,643 --> 00:13:52,203 It's me. Oh. 226 00:13:52,203 --> 00:13:55,243 Well, let's get it over with. Right, OK. 227 00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:57,443 Here's one for you, 228 00:13:57,443 --> 00:14:00,163 and one for you... Thanks. 229 00:14:00,163 --> 00:14:02,363 One for you. 230 00:14:04,923 --> 00:14:08,523 There's no cake. Don't worry. It'll be arriving any... 231 00:14:08,523 --> 00:14:10,963 It'll be ready any minute. 232 00:14:10,963 --> 00:14:15,243 Timing is so important in baking, don't you agree? 233 00:14:15,243 --> 00:14:18,003 Nobody likes a soggy bottom, do they? 234 00:14:19,723 --> 00:14:21,363 I don't need to tell you. 235 00:14:21,363 --> 00:14:22,923 HE HAWKS 236 00:14:22,923 --> 00:14:26,403 What cake is it? I'm doing a lemon drizzle cake. 237 00:14:26,403 --> 00:14:29,203 Oh! Well, that's my favourite. 238 00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:31,763 Is it? Is it, really? 239 00:14:31,763 --> 00:14:34,283 I had no idea. 240 00:14:34,283 --> 00:14:36,483 Is it your favourite cake, as well? 241 00:14:36,483 --> 00:14:38,283 No. 242 00:14:38,283 --> 00:14:40,643 How did you become a judge anyway? I applied. 243 00:14:40,643 --> 00:14:43,083 What qualifications have you got? 244 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,643 Fair enough. 245 00:14:44,643 --> 00:14:48,403 I'm sure that between us we'll be able to come to a fair decision. 246 00:14:48,403 --> 00:14:53,923 Of course, of course. And I'm sure you're going to love it. 247 00:14:53,923 --> 00:14:58,523 You know, I used an ancient Khan family recipe. 248 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,963 For lemon drizzle cake? Oh, yes. 249 00:15:00,963 --> 00:15:05,443 It's my great-great-great-great-great grandmother's. 250 00:15:05,443 --> 00:15:09,523 We thought we'd lost it, but then I rediscovered it. 251 00:15:09,523 --> 00:15:11,563 Wow. Where did you find it? 252 00:15:11,563 --> 00:15:14,403 On the internet. 253 00:15:14,403 --> 00:15:18,163 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It must be prayer time! 254 00:15:18,163 --> 00:15:21,963 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 255 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:26,443 Is everything all right? Yes, of course. 256 00:15:26,443 --> 00:15:28,563 She loves her prayers! 257 00:15:28,563 --> 00:15:32,243 Sweetie! The Bake Off judges! Never mind about that. Look at this! 258 00:15:32,243 --> 00:15:36,123 Yes, so? It's a pregnancy tester. Yes, so? 259 00:15:36,123 --> 00:15:38,283 It's positive! 260 00:15:38,283 --> 00:15:40,163 You mean? Exactly. 261 00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:42,883 We're having another baby?! 262 00:15:42,883 --> 00:15:46,963 It's not mine, you bewakoof! I found it in the bathroom. 263 00:15:46,963 --> 00:15:50,883 Oh, God. Not Naani! 264 00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:55,283 I didn't think that was even possible. It's not Naani. 265 00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:57,323 Don't be ridiculous. Then who? 266 00:15:58,363 --> 00:16:03,323 Not Alia? Yes. No. Haan. It can't be. 267 00:16:03,323 --> 00:16:06,283 Just think about it. She's been under the weather. So? 268 00:16:06,283 --> 00:16:10,163 She's been off her food, feeling sick! That doesn't mean anything! 269 00:16:10,163 --> 00:16:13,323 And she's got that secret biker boyfriend! I don't believe it! 270 00:16:13,323 --> 00:16:16,883 You better believe it! Not my sweet Alia! 271 00:16:16,883 --> 00:16:20,523 She would have told me, she always tells me everything. 272 00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:23,443 Right, then you can go and ask her. 273 00:16:23,443 --> 00:16:26,203 What? Oh, twaddi! 274 00:16:27,763 --> 00:16:33,123 So, these are my new blonde highlights, which I did with a home colouring kit in the bathroom. 275 00:16:33,123 --> 00:16:38,763 And here's my top tip: always dye your hair when your parents are out. 276 00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:43,443 Because if you get caught, it'll be embarrassing! Shame. 277 00:16:43,443 --> 00:16:45,123 MR KHAN HAWKS 278 00:16:45,123 --> 00:16:48,323 Alia, sweetie? I'll talk to you later! 279 00:16:53,923 --> 00:16:58,003 Hello, beti! Hi, Papaji. 280 00:17:00,243 --> 00:17:02,683 Did you want to talk to me about something? 281 00:17:02,683 --> 00:17:06,843 No, I was just passing through. 282 00:17:06,843 --> 00:17:09,843 Do you want to come in? Yeah, why not? 283 00:17:09,843 --> 00:17:13,163 Might as well come in and keep you company, now I'm here. 284 00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:17,363 How are you feeling? All right. 285 00:17:17,363 --> 00:17:21,803 Not feeling sick at all? No. That wa just in the morning. 286 00:17:21,803 --> 00:17:23,683 I'm fine now. 287 00:17:24,883 --> 00:17:29,483 Right. That's good. 288 00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:32,403 Beti, your mother and I were wondering, 289 00:17:32,403 --> 00:17:35,323 is there something you might want to tell us? 290 00:17:35,323 --> 00:17:36,683 No. 291 00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:42,963 Something that may have happened recently that might be a bit embarrassing? 292 00:17:42,963 --> 00:17:44,763 No... 293 00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:47,043 Something that you've done? 294 00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:53,123 Something that a good Pakistani Muslim girl shouldn't have done? 295 00:17:53,123 --> 00:17:55,523 Um... 296 00:17:56,563 --> 00:18:01,163 It's just that your mother found something in the bathroom. Oh. 297 00:18:02,243 --> 00:18:06,083 Is it yours? It's OK, you can tell me. 298 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:07,883 I won't be cross. 299 00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:11,163 Yeah, it's mine. 300 00:18:11,163 --> 00:18:15,043 No! Alia, my little baby! 301 00:18:15,043 --> 00:18:16,763 I was going to tell you. 302 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,643 Oh, God! 303 00:18:18,643 --> 00:18:20,403 I was just trying it out. 304 00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:24,323 But you are my best daughter. How could you do this? 305 00:18:24,323 --> 00:18:28,363 I just wanted to see what it would be like. 306 00:18:28,363 --> 00:18:32,043 Sweetie, we all get curious about it, 307 00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:34,683 but these things have consequences. 308 00:18:34,683 --> 00:18:36,883 Is it really such a big deal, though? 309 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,523 Yes! 310 00:18:38,523 --> 00:18:40,883 Only... I quite like it. 311 00:18:40,883 --> 00:18:42,363 No! 312 00:18:42,363 --> 00:18:44,883 I mean, I'm definitely going to do it again. 313 00:18:44,883 --> 00:18:46,603 Hai hai! 314 00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:50,483 Only next time, I'll probably want a different colour. Oh, my God! 315 00:18:55,363 --> 00:19:00,323 Well? She's definitely pregnant. With the first one! What? 316 00:19:00,323 --> 00:19:03,563 Well, let's just say, by the time she's finished it'll be like 317 00:19:03,563 --> 00:19:06,243 the United Colours of Benetton around here. 318 00:19:08,483 --> 00:19:11,363 Oh, my God! She's gone completely off the rails. 319 00:19:11,363 --> 00:19:14,363 What are we going to do? I just don't understand. 320 00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:18,883 Why and how did this happen? It must be that greasy biker, Scab! 321 00:19:18,883 --> 00:19:21,763 Do you know what this means? She'll be ruined! 322 00:19:21,763 --> 00:19:25,443 And what about all our hopes for her university, her career? 323 00:19:25,443 --> 00:19:28,403 She was going to be Sparkhill's first female imam. 324 00:19:29,443 --> 00:19:32,083 Well, that's not happening. She might still get away with it. 325 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,883 They've got a creche. 326 00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:39,523 OK. First, we have to make sure that that Scab creature is out of the picture. Right. 327 00:19:39,523 --> 00:19:42,843 But that's OK, because you got rid of him, didn't you? 328 00:19:42,843 --> 00:19:45,043 Oh, yes. 329 00:19:45,043 --> 00:19:47,403 You did get rid of him? Of course. 330 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:50,603 I told him never to darken our doorstep again. 331 00:19:50,603 --> 00:19:52,803 HE HAWKS 332 00:19:52,803 --> 00:19:54,563 DOORBELL RINGS 333 00:19:55,843 --> 00:19:58,203 Who's that? I don't know. 334 00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:03,963 Well, aren't you going to answer it? Yes. Well, go on, then! 335 00:20:03,963 --> 00:20:06,323 In a minute, there's no rush. 336 00:20:07,523 --> 00:20:12,163 What? I mean, we never get a chance to chat like this, do we? 337 00:20:13,163 --> 00:20:15,483 It seems a shame to interrupt it! 338 00:20:15,483 --> 00:20:17,883 Is there anything you'd like to talk about, sweetie? 339 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,403 DOORBELL RINGS 340 00:20:19,403 --> 00:20:22,643 Answer the door! OK, I'm going! 341 00:20:33,803 --> 00:20:36,803 Hai! Oh, hi! Your mother-in-law let me in. 342 00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:39,123 What are you doing letting strangers into the house? 343 00:20:39,123 --> 00:20:42,163 He's not stranger. He's my swimming instructor! 344 00:20:46,163 --> 00:20:50,283 What? Yeah, I teach aqua aerobics fo the elderly at the leisure centre. 345 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:53,123 I think it's important to help older people keep active. 346 00:20:53,123 --> 00:20:55,563 You're really starting to annoy me. 347 00:20:58,563 --> 00:21:01,043 I brought your cake! Oh, yes. Thanks. 348 00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:04,803 Now, you have to leave. What? No. I was thinking, maybe I could speak with Mrs Khan? 349 00:21:04,803 --> 00:21:07,723 Definitely not! I just want to show her how much I have to give Alia. 350 00:21:07,723 --> 00:21:09,563 You've given her enough already. 351 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,483 Maybe if I spoke to her, told her how I feel? She's not here. Eh? 352 00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:17,923 There was an emergency. She had to go out. Oh, where to? 353 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:20,923 World of Sofas. We ran out of scatter cushions. 354 00:21:21,923 --> 00:21:25,443 Who ran out of cushions? Hai! Hi. Who's this? 355 00:21:25,443 --> 00:21:28,963 I don't know. Mrs Khan, I'm Scab. A friend of Alia's. 356 00:21:28,963 --> 00:21:32,763 Oh, my God! Yes. Oh, my God! 357 00:21:33,883 --> 00:21:36,603 What's he doing here? Mr Khan invited me. 358 00:21:40,683 --> 00:21:43,963 You know what it's like when you go to the pub, sweetie! 359 00:21:45,243 --> 00:21:48,523 Have a couple of Fantas and a Cherryade chaser, 360 00:21:48,523 --> 00:21:51,643 you're making friends with all kinds of people! 361 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,323 I told you to keep him away from our daughter 362 00:21:54,323 --> 00:21:57,043 and you invited him to our house? 363 00:21:58,683 --> 00:22:02,523 I think you better leave. But what about Alia? I really care for her! 364 00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:08,683 Sweetie, maybe we've been a little bit hasty, huh? 365 00:22:08,683 --> 00:22:11,003 What? Scabby seems like a good boy. 366 00:22:11,003 --> 00:22:14,083 Maybe he is the right for Alia, after all? 367 00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:16,883 But he's not Muslim. Or Pakistani. 368 00:22:16,883 --> 00:22:19,443 He's converting. Aren't you? Yeah. 369 00:22:19,443 --> 00:22:23,003 And he's lived in Pakistan. His Pakistani name is Amjad! 370 00:22:24,403 --> 00:22:27,483 Ha, yeah. And next you'll be telling me he speaks Urdu(!) 371 00:22:27,483 --> 00:22:29,963 HE SPEAKS URDU 372 00:22:34,243 --> 00:22:35,803 See?! 373 00:22:35,803 --> 00:22:39,923 He does seem nice! You're not at all like how I imagined. 374 00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:41,843 Scab sounds so rough. 375 00:22:41,843 --> 00:22:44,283 Yeah, well, that's actually from when I was little. 376 00:22:44,283 --> 00:22:46,563 I was always falling over and getting scabby knees. 377 00:22:46,563 --> 00:22:49,883 So, my mum called me Scabby once and it just kind of stuck. 378 00:22:49,883 --> 00:22:53,603 My real name's Richard. Oh, that's much better. 379 00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:56,923 I have to say, you're not quite how I imagined, either. What do you mean? 380 00:22:56,923 --> 00:23:01,803 Well, the way Mr Khan described you, I thought you were going to be an absolute dragon! 381 00:23:03,763 --> 00:23:06,643 I just got to check on the judges! 382 00:23:09,163 --> 00:23:13,483 Everything OK? Finally! I can't watc this man eating crisps any longer. 383 00:23:15,043 --> 00:23:16,923 I told you to keep your eyes shut. 384 00:23:18,723 --> 00:23:22,243 Where have you been? I've been sprinkling drizzle on my cake. 385 00:23:22,243 --> 00:23:25,083 For ten minutes? I've got a lot of drizzle. 386 00:23:26,203 --> 00:23:30,763 Where is it then? Oh, twaddi. I left it in...the oven. 387 00:23:30,763 --> 00:23:33,643 The kitchen's this way. This is a short cut! 388 00:23:34,883 --> 00:23:36,643 SHE LAUGHS 389 00:23:36,643 --> 00:23:39,203 How are you getting on? Oh, very well. 390 00:23:39,203 --> 00:23:41,723 I don't know what you were worrying about. 391 00:23:41,723 --> 00:23:45,243 What are you doing here? Oh, hey. Your dad invited me. 392 00:23:45,243 --> 00:23:48,683 We just wanted you to be closer together. 393 00:23:48,683 --> 00:23:51,043 That's close enough! 394 00:23:51,043 --> 00:23:53,923 What's going on? We're getting to know your boyfriend. 395 00:23:53,923 --> 00:23:55,643 How do you know he's my boyfriend? 396 00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:59,283 We're your parents, Alia. We instinctively know these things. 397 00:24:00,723 --> 00:24:03,483 Plus, Shazia told us. 398 00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:08,323 Oh, what! We think Scabby here's very nice. Such a nice young man. 399 00:24:08,323 --> 00:24:11,043 So, you're not bothered about what the neighbours will think? 400 00:24:11,043 --> 00:24:13,563 Shazia and Amjad? They'll be fine with it! 401 00:24:14,723 --> 00:24:17,323 Or the ladies at the mosque? Or Mrs Malik? 402 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:19,883 Who cares what Mrs Malik thinks?! 403 00:24:19,883 --> 00:24:22,523 Hello? Don't come in! 404 00:24:22,523 --> 00:24:25,923 We can't hang around any longer. 405 00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,363 Who's this? 406 00:24:27,363 --> 00:24:29,483 He's my boyfriend. What? 407 00:24:29,483 --> 00:24:32,563 No, not her boyfriend actually. 408 00:24:32,563 --> 00:24:35,203 Her fiance. What? What? 409 00:24:36,243 --> 00:24:39,843 That's right, they're getting married! 410 00:24:39,843 --> 00:24:44,563 We're not getting married! Yes, you are! Congratulations! 411 00:24:44,563 --> 00:24:48,043 No need to ask what they've been getting up to then. 412 00:24:48,043 --> 00:24:51,003 Oh, where are you going? Mr Khan, I'm sorry. I can't get married. 413 00:24:51,003 --> 00:24:54,043 Why not? You've done everything else. 414 00:24:54,043 --> 00:24:57,883 What's going on? Alia's getting married. What? Who to? 415 00:24:57,883 --> 00:25:01,683 NAANI: My swimming instructor. Papaji? 416 00:25:01,683 --> 00:25:05,883 It's OK, beti. Your mother and I forgive you. 417 00:25:05,883 --> 00:25:07,243 What for? 418 00:25:07,243 --> 00:25:10,323 You know, the thing we found in the bathroom. 419 00:25:10,323 --> 00:25:13,963 That's why I have to get married? Haan! 420 00:25:13,963 --> 00:25:15,683 Well, I missed that meeting! 421 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:19,483 I knew it! She's pregnant. 422 00:25:19,483 --> 00:25:21,083 What?! 423 00:25:21,083 --> 00:25:23,763 Yeah, what? Please, don't tell anyone. 424 00:25:23,763 --> 00:25:27,723 Hold on. I'm not pregnant. That's right. She's not pregnant. 425 00:25:27,723 --> 00:25:31,403 And that's our story and we're sticking to it. 426 00:25:31,403 --> 00:25:34,523 Riaz, You need to book the mosque next week, huh? 427 00:25:34,523 --> 00:25:38,323 I can't say I'm surprised, this family is a disgrace. 428 00:25:38,323 --> 00:25:40,963 You've brought shame on the whole community! 429 00:25:42,403 --> 00:25:47,323 All right, that's enough! We've got nothing to be ashamed of! 430 00:25:47,323 --> 00:25:51,003 OK, so my good daughter might have got herself knocked up 431 00:25:51,003 --> 00:25:53,163 by some bloke she met in the pub. 432 00:25:53,163 --> 00:25:58,763 And, yes, he may not be Pakistani, but he's a good boy and he cares for her. 433 00:25:58,763 --> 00:26:01,963 And the important thing is he's converting! 434 00:26:01,963 --> 00:26:05,883 Riaz, we're going to have to book him in for the snippy-snippy next week, too! 435 00:26:06,923 --> 00:26:09,563 But Papaji, really - I'm not pregnant. 436 00:26:09,563 --> 00:26:14,123 Yes, you are! You know, the embarrassing thing you did... 437 00:26:14,123 --> 00:26:16,443 You mean, dying my hair? 438 00:26:17,843 --> 00:26:19,563 What? 439 00:26:19,563 --> 00:26:23,043 I dyed my hair in the bathroom. It's Tahitian Sunrise. 440 00:26:24,203 --> 00:26:27,803 But what about the morning sickness? I ate one of your practice cakes last night! 441 00:26:27,803 --> 00:26:29,923 It was horrible. 442 00:26:31,403 --> 00:26:34,763 But then how do you explain this? It's not mine. 443 00:26:34,763 --> 00:26:36,363 Well, it's not mine. 444 00:26:36,363 --> 00:26:38,483 Don't look at me! 445 00:26:38,483 --> 00:26:40,363 I try not to! 446 00:26:41,483 --> 00:26:43,603 It's mine. What? 447 00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:45,563 I did the test round here earlier. 448 00:26:45,563 --> 00:26:48,963 I wanted to be sure, before I told everyone! 449 00:26:48,963 --> 00:26:50,883 So... 450 00:26:50,883 --> 00:26:52,723 What? 451 00:26:53,963 --> 00:26:58,283 YOU'RE having another baby? Yes! And so are you! 452 00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,363 OH! 453 00:27:01,363 --> 00:27:04,283 I'm going to be a granny again! 454 00:27:04,283 --> 00:27:06,523 In your face! 455 00:27:10,363 --> 00:27:13,843 It's my grandchild, too! Oh, yes. Sorry. 456 00:27:13,843 --> 00:27:16,683 I mean, congratulations! 457 00:27:16,683 --> 00:27:20,283 Oh, how about some lemon drizzle cake? 458 00:27:25,803 --> 00:27:28,403 It's absolutely disgusting! 459 00:27:28,403 --> 00:27:29,883 I thought you said you were a chef? 460 00:27:29,883 --> 00:27:31,883 I never said I was any good!