1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,322
(♪ ROY CAPE ALL STARS & BLAXX: Leh Go)
2
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,603
♪ Spread your hands in the air, everybody
Let we do it, let we do it... ♪
3
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,769
It's weird.
When I first saw this uniform, I wept.
4
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,802
Hashtag -
"too blessed to be badly dressed".
5
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,080
Do you know what?
I'm actually going to miss it.
6
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,361
Where did you get a shredder?
7
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,209
- Fraser's office.
- What did you do
8
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,562
- on your last day of school, Sir?
- You know, I don't actually remember.
9
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,761
You don't remember Boris Johnson
10
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,167
bumming you with the handle
of your Quidditch broom?
11
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,841
Ah, Cleopatra. Who am I going to have
next year to make wisecracks
12
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,850
about me getting sodomised
at a fictional boarding school?
13
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,247
- Oh, don't be down, Sir.
- I'm not, Chantelle.
14
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,851
We've got plenty of things
to look forward to until the term ends
15
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,611
- and you all leave me forever.
- Like the last-ever class wars.
16
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,644
Exactly, Joe!
It's going to be the best one yet -
17
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,286
- Zombie Apocalypse.
- ALL: Ooh!
18
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,290
I've even sorted out an actual zombie
to attack the class.
19
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,606
- How?
- Told the librarian
20
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,644
that we had a few overdue books in here.
21
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,887
(WHISPERS) Then I stole her insulin.
22
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,922
- Urgh!
- (LAUGHTER)
23
00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,089
And we're not all leaving, Sir.
Jing'll be here next year.
24
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,451
Yeah, me and ding.
25
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,450
- Whoo!
- We can still see each other, Sir.
26
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,450
- I mean, you still see your teachers.
- Yeah, course I do.
27
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,721
This isn't the end.
No-one splits up this gang.
28
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,888
- (PENS RATTLE)
- Who wants to be blood brothers?
29
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,081
A bit much, Sir.
30
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:17,330
S-Sorry. It's just that
we're all such good friends.
31
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,408
- Alfie!
- Frank!
32
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:20,441
Get off him!
33
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,681
- Argh!
- (LAUGHTER)
34
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,568
Oh, look. There you are.
35
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:31,525
Alfie, why have your class
destroyed their uniforms?
36
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,245
- There's, like, a week left of term.
- I couldn't say no to them.
37
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,760
Well, you know they're late
for their career seminar?
38
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,643
Just saying our goodbyes.
39
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,284
Quick hug from teach.
40
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,606
Everyone gets a spoon.
41
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,608
- Me next!
- Not you!
42
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,244
♪ Yeh proper things
43
00:01:53,000 --> 00:02:01,000
Ripped By mstoll
44
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,960
♪ Original style
We come to kick the drum
45
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,241
♪ The wicked money spoil
Yeh... ♪
46
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,243
Last week, you sat a state-of-the-art,
47
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,123
three-dimensional aptitude test,
48
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,731
to ascertain what career
suited your unique skill set.
49
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,967
MARTIN: Your answers were fed
into a revolutionary
50
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,606
new data-mining
computer programme,
51
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:30,201
the most advanced careers-predicting
technology on the planet.
52
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,571
Let's see the results.
53
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,921
Stephen, you are destined to become...
54
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,883
COMPUTER: An archaeologist.
55
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,291
COMPUTER: An archaeologist.
56
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,005
- COMPUTER: An archaeologist.
- MARTIN: Computers don't lie, Chantelle.
57
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,203
The emotionally-crippled spinsters
I'm automatically paired with
58
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,562
on Guardian Soulmates
redefine "harsh but fair".
59
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,046
COMPUTER: An archaeologist.
An archaeologist. An archaeologist.
60
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,731
An archaeologist. A stuntman.
61
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,044
Right, well, he's not gonna be a stuntman.
62
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:58,445
COMPUTER: A stuntman.
63
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,403
- A stuntman. A stuntman.
- It's a glitch.
64
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,363
- A stuntman.
- I'm sure you're gonna turn out to be...
65
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,402
COMPUTER: A male escort
66
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:14,323
Right, guys, guys, class selfie!
Everyone in.
67
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,769
Give it!
68
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,165
Delete. Delete.
69
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,850
Delete.
70
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,247
Ooh, work. I look cute in that one.
71
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,931
OK, I'll send it to you all
if you just give me your numbers.
72
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,371
Do you want my Snapchat deets?
73
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,243
- 100% definitely not.
- Don't worry.
74
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,850
- I'll make a slide show.
- Sir...
75
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,370
do you wanna be my date to the prom
76
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,529
- or are you back with her?
- Er, we're taking things slowly.
77
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:39,607
Office romances never work.
78
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,246
- It's a Cosmo no-no.
- Maybe you're right.
79
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,921
I know we're meant for each other,
but working together at school -
80
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,043
sometimes it feels like
she's just embarrassed by me.
81
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,686
Never let anyone make you hide
who you really are, Sir.
82
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,848
That's why Stephen Carmichael
is not going to the prom.
83
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,962
- What?!
- Hashtag - "sorry not sorry".
84
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,447
Howevs, he gave his wristband
to Stephanie Fierce!
85
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,209
Yes!
86
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,571
It's his female alter ego.
87
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,364
Ain't you worried
people are going to pick on ya?
88
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,606
Haters gonna hate.
89
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,645
Haters gonna be drunk, lairy,
and technically no longer at school.
90
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,170
They could be real dicks about it,
Stephen.
91
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:16,286
Sir, um, I've applied for
a creative writing course in Paris.
92
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,481
What?
93
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:21,127
I want to be a writer
and Tring isn't the most inspiring place.
94
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,811
But you can't all leave.
Then I'll be on my own.
95
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:25,285
Grow a pair, yeah?
96
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,810
I know, Cleo, I'm sorry.
97
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,525
I just can't deal with
this emotional shit.
98
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:30,766
I'm posh.
99
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,962
Where I come from,
feelings are meant to be buried
100
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,571
or taken out years later
on a horsey, secret-drinker wife
101
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,126
that my mother made me marry
for her child-bearing hips.
102
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,367
But you'll have a whole new class
next year, Alfie.
103
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,640
I don't want a new class.
104
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:43,920
I want you guys.
105
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,166
You're my kids.
106
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,201
ALL: Aw!
107
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,641
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Right,
108
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,250
who's next in the careers hot seat?
109
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,686
Dad, I need a new job.
I can't cope without my kids.
110
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:04,044
Right, how are you with ruins?
Handy with a trowel?
111
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,287
Happy smuggling monuments
out of Greece?
112
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,561
Dad, I'm not being an archaeologist.
113
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,446
Listen, losing your first class
can be devastating,
114
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,643
but each new year brings a fresh start.
115
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,365
Thanks, Dad. That's good advice.
116
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,686
And look on the bright side,
117
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,882
I mean, parents get stuck with their kids
for life.
118
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,649
Less strong.
119
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,170
Is this about Rosie?
120
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,529
Let me tell you a pertinent yarn.
121
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,561
(EXHALES TWICE)
122
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:35,640
In the seventies, two students met on
summer jobs in the London Dungeons.
123
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,321
They fell in love,
but the dream turned to a nightmare
124
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,089
when I found that I couldn't work
125
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,488
under the spell of your mother's
voracious sexual appetite.
126
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,807
- Oh, God!
- Fortunately, we were fired
127
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,049
when a visiting headmaster
reported sightings
128
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,560
of a partially disrobed
Mary, Queen of Scots
129
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:57,208
fellating Jack the Ripper through
the letterbox of 10 Rillington Place.
130
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:05,281
Right. Well, that is the single
most harrowing 30 seconds of my life.
131
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:11,927
Fraser...
132
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:16,845
(GIGGLING)
133
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,211
Why?
134
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,971
I hid in the leavers' photos!
135
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,923
But they're individual portraits.
136
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,611
(♪ THE NOVELTONES: Left Bank Two)
137
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,926
Look, Fraser, if you promise
not to go crazy,
138
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,725
then we can have a grown-up discussion...
139
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,684
...about my P45.
140
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,409
But why?!
141
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,124
- (SIGHS)
- (CRASHING FROM INSIDE)
142
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,091
Alfie, I've just spoken to Martin.
143
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,929
You can't leave Abbey Grove.
144
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,121
You're a great teacher.
145
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,845
But I want to be a great boyfriend, Rosie.
146
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,769
- You gave me a second chance.
- (BELL RINGS)
147
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,565
- I'm not gonna throw that away.
- (DOOR THUDS)
148
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,045
Hi, Rosie. I punched my reflection.
149
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,641
Alfred, I've had a quiet think
about your moment of madness
150
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,002
and I'm willing to forgive you
if you agree to stay on at Abbey Grove.
151
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,890
Goodbye, guys.
152
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,166
I see.
153
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,686
Would you excuse me?
154
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,166
- Oh, God, you traitor!
- (FURNITURE CRASHES)
155
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,370
Alfie, what will you do?
156
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:33,806
Rosie, I'm a young, self-motivated,
highly-qualified professional.
157
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:38,289
Trust me. I'm going to be beating off
the job offers with a shitty stick.
158
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,126
(CLEANING MACHINE BEEPS)
159
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:46,964
She says, "I think it's MDF.”
160
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:50,561
And I'm like, "What are you going on
about? You're gonna need some primer."
161
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,250
And she says,
"I think I need some paint."
162
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,922
I'm like, "No, you don't.
You need primer, you stupid tart."
163
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,531
- Silly bint!
- Yeah, what a dumb bitch.
164
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:07,640
Ah. Here's one you lads'll like.
This geezer asks me
165
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,762
for the strength of a torch...
166
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,564
in candles!
167
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,682
(SNORTS)
168
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,489
Really thought that would illicit
more of a titter.
169
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,603
TANNOY: Staff call,
spillage in the bathroom section.
170
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:28,124
(CHUCKLES) Oh, that poor old dear thought
one of the display toilets was real!
171
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,606
Who's the unlucky bastard
that gets to clean that up?
172
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,327
Yeah, it's me, isn't it?
173
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,647
I'm the unlucky bastard.
174
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,568
By the way, let me know
if you're up for a few jars after work.
175
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,804
Pencil you in as maybes.
176
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:02,164
Oh, my God,
the lads I work with are amazing.
177
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,885
Already planning
a boys' weekend in Marbs.
178
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:05,967
And to think I became a teacher
179
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,891
because I struggle to form lasting
friendships with people my own age.
180
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:14,005
Sorry, let me just go back a few steps.
You're working in a...?
181
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,565
PlayStation game testing factory.
182
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,931
What kind of stuff do you do?
183
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,850
Well, I shouldn't really be
telling you this
184
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:24,044
but we are developing a new button -
185
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,411
the hexagon!
186
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,010
Wow!
187
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,451
- Wait...
- But enough about me.
188
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,606
What about you guys?
189
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,642
Stephen, you got a date yet?
190
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,921
None of the boys here
can handle a real woman.
191
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,724
You've got to come to the prom, Sir.
192
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,808
I can't. I don't work here any more.
193
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,001
FRASER: You're damn right!
194
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,802
Hello, Judas! I thought
you'd be hanging from a tree by now.
195
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,764
What's it like at the PlayStation factory?
No, Fraser. Stay strong.
196
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,009
I blocked you on Facebook.
I think it's for the best.
197
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,530
Fraser, we weren't lovers.
198
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,449
Didn't want you getting
Facebook envy of me
199
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,642
and my new best friend, Mr Heather.
200
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,444
This guy's banter is off the chain.
201
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,403
Do I have to wear this shirt?
I'm getting a rash.
202
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,250
Me and my homeslice going to
smoke bare sticky icky hand bongs
203
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:05,805
in these bad boys.
204
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,080
I can't smoke, I'm asthmatic.
205
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:11,125
Ooh, Kareem Abdul-Banter!
Just slam-dunked another basket, lol.
206
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,446
I miss you every day.
207
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,005
Damn it, Fraser!
208
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,442
Well, as you're no longer
a member of staff
209
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,370
I must ask you to Alf Wiedersehen.
210
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:21,640
Bothered?
211
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,604
We have Subway for lunch
every day at PlayStation HQ.
212
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,608
- The land of milk and honey.
- Will you think about
213
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,449
- coming to prom, Alfie?
- Look, Joe,
214
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,608
maybe it's best if we all move on.
215
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,286
- Are you crying?
- Hold your tongue, Heather!
216
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,091
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
217
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:43,249
Hey, guys! Did anyone order
a maverick teacher
218
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,886
that's more like your best mate?
Coming right up.
219
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,642
Ooh, ooh, Christmas crackers... in June!
Come on!
220
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,160
It'll be a laugh.
221
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,687
Hey! Hey, Frank. Did I ever tell you
about my embarrassing tattoo?
222
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,202
Bit of ammunition there.
Go on, have a swing.
223
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:04,969
Sorry, Miss, it's just not the same.
224
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,243
You... You got too much self-esteem.
225
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,887
Turns out I need that bumbling,
toffee-nosed wank stain
226
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,285
like day needs night.
227
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,765
Frank, that's so poetic.
228
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,529
I miss Mr Wickers too.
229
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,562
He's literally my Yang.
230
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,251
Guys, come on! Cheer up!
231
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:25,649
Oi, Sound Of Music, just put
on a DVD and leave it, yeah?
232
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,643
What about class wars?
233
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:29,966
Keep talking.
234
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,085
Yeah, like one big, end-of-term,
final battle extravaganza!
235
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,201
Would Alfie mind us
236
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,480
- doing it without him?
- Babes,
237
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,726
it's what he would have wanted.
238
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,570
Yeah, yeah!
Now we're cooking with gas!
239
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,605
Yeah! How about the battle
for women's rights in the workplace?
240
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:45,766
- Yeah!
- (GROANING)
241
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:49,600
OK, everyone on the left,
you can be, like...
242
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:54,771
young, independent women, and on
the right you can be the Establishment.
243
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:58,088
Boo!
244
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,485
(IMITATES GUNSHOT)
245
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,410
I don't think I'm very good at this
irresponsible teacher thing.
246
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,046
Yo, Miss G! Here's the shopping list.
247
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,128
So much for equality in the workplace.
248
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,209
We're gonna need barbecues,
fairy lights and Chinese lanterns.
249
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,651
What are you wearing?
250
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,047
My DJ clobber. Swedish House of Fraser.
251
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,401
I'm spinning tunes at the prom tonight.
Any requests?
252
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,406
Any requests except the request
that I don't DJ this evening?
253
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,206
Decking.
254
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,287
Claw hammer.
255
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,128
Cable ties.
256
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,930
Lime.
257
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,564
Oh, God!
258
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,444
Why don't these tills come
with a panic button?
259
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,845
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
260
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,370
(PHONE RINGS)
261
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,167
Oh, sorry, do you mind if
I get this? It's my girlfriend.
262
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,680
Women! Can't live with 'em...
263
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:53,846
(PHONE CONTINUES TO RING)
264
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,124
OK. Bye!
265
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:01,965
How's the PlayStation factory?
266
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,650
Great!
267
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,887
The PS4 gang will be the death of me.
268
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,922
Old Billy...
269
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,169
Joel, Ringo and...
270
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,561
...Sink.
- Well, glad you're happy.
271
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:19,047
How are my kids? Have they
forgotten about me already?
272
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,525
You're all they talk about.
273
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,801
Oh, you've got to come to the prom, Alf.
274
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:26,287
I'm in DIY Home Stores
getting decorations now.
275
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,688
- You're in DIY Home Stores?
- Mm-hm.
276
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,967
Um, you should leave, er, right now.
277
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,764
Why?
278
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,290
Because, erm, I heard that, er,
279
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,561
they use sweatshops. Yeah.
280
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,728
All their garden furniture
is made by children.
281
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,489
So you should get out of there
282
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,409
before you have kids' blood on your hands.
283
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,006
Alfie?
284
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,485
Hey!
285
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,050
Surprise!
286
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:55,320
What are you doing?
287
00:13:55,360 --> 00:14:00,241
Er, just, er... just trying out this bath.
Very spacious.
288
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,725
Why are you wearing that apron?
289
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,081
You mean, er, this old friend?
290
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,326
I've always had this.
291
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,931
All right. Busted!
292
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,443
I'm actually trying to blag
a staff discount, so sh!
293
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,606
- Oh!
- Hence...
294
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:20,407
Right, it just... It looks like
you could sort of maybe work here.
295
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,489
What, me? Work here?
Don't be ridiculous.
296
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,249
Oi, Dickers.
297
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,363
Fella over there said you just walked away
and stopped serving him.
298
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,210
Sorry, mate. I think you might have me
mistaken for somebody else.
299
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,483
Nah, definitely you who served him.
He said it was a posh twat
300
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,126
who looked like a chubby ostrich
with a plum stuck up his arse.
301
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,128
Wow!
302
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,561
- You all right, Miss?
- Mm.
303
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:42,601
Still would.
304
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,529
Thank you, Dean.
305
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,723
Charming as ever,
and nice to see that DIY Home Stores
306
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:51,082
stock a wide variety of massive spanners.
307
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,407
- Yeah, you love it!
- Sorry...
308
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,488
- you know Dean?
- Dean Grayson.
309
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,046
He's Grayson's brother.
I taught him years ago.
310
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,163
And suddenly everything makes sense.
311
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,645
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
312
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,603
I was gonna apply to other schools,
313
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,201
but I knew it would just be
the same heartbreak at the end of it.
314
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,527
Whatever you do, whatever your job is,
315
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:11,846
I don't care.
316
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,920
And I don't care because...
317
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,562
Please, just come back to Abbey Grove.
318
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,489
I can't.
319
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:25,445
A-Anyway, I love my job here.
320
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,724
TANNOY: Alfie Wickers, Alfie Wickers,
Code Brown in bathroom ware.
321
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:30,886
Doris!
322
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,524
I've got to go.
323
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:33,971
Why?
324
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,927
A geriatric lady thinks
she's about to soil a display toilet.
325
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,406
Not on my watch!
326
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,044
(MACHINE BEEPS)
327
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,640
Hello, is that the manager?
328
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,969
Yes, I'd like to report an employee
of yours. An Alfie Wickers.
329
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,288
What did he do? What did he do, indeed!
330
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,241
He fingered me in a summerhouse.
331
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,611
- (LINE GOES DEAD)
- Hello?
332
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,801
- Oh, for...
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
333
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,449
Hi, Fraser. Can I have your permission
to take Form K on a field trip?
334
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,644
Do what you want! God, I am drinking these
Kalibers like there's no tomorrow.
335
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,524
I'm the world's first
no-alcohol alcoholic.
336
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,961
I'm basically just addicted to yeast.
337
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,401
Right, I'll leave you with that thought.
338
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,290
(SNORES)
339
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,811
Your move, Brown Baron.
340
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:42,529
Dean, if you're going to show me
your balls in a paint tray again...
341
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,927
Guys! Rosie? What are you...?
342
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,962
We came for you, Sir,
and we're not leaving without you.
343
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,321
I didn't want you to see me like this.
344
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,442
Sir, we know you don't want to
teach at Abbey Grove any more,
345
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,562
but you've got to come to the prom.
346
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,931
I just dunno if I can handle it,
Chantelle.
347
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,009
But, Alfie, listen to what
your class are telling you.
348
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,963
Look, I appreciate you coming down here.
349
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,810
Seeing you is the first time
I've smiled in, like, a week.
350
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,487
But you've got to let me
move on with my life.
351
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,243
I'm sorry.
352
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,442
But, Sir, you won't even get
to meet Stephanie Fierce.
353
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,289
Still going in drag?
354
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:20,810
Good on ya.
355
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,046
Who needs a date, right?
356
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,320
Oh, I've got a date.
357
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,249
I'm taking the only man strong enough
to handle Stephanie.
358
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,365
♪ I don't have
359
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,244
♪ Money on my mind
Money on my mind
360
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,851
♪ I do it for
I do it for the love
361
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:36,722
♪ I don't have
362
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,207
♪ Money on my mind
Money on my mind
363
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,288
♪ I do it for
I do it for the love
364
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,925
♪ When the sun WM set
Don? you fret
365
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,487
♪ No, f have no money on my mind
366
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,727
♪ No money on my mind
No money on my mind... ♪
367
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,411
- You look amazing!
- Thank you, Frank.
368
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:57,441
(LAUGHTER)
369
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,967
Um, why've you come dressed as Odd job?
370
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,684
Chantelle made me get a spray tan.
371
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,804
- He's an Oompa Loompa! (LAUGHS)
- Throw your hat at him, Joe.
372
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,444
Oh, come on, gang.
373
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,201
Let's raise a glass to absent friends.
374
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,402
ALL: To absent friends.
375
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,682
What are we thinking
for the post-work session, then?
376
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,802
Head round my crib for a few tinnies?
377
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,047
Don't tell the missus.
378
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,651
Not that I give a shit,
cos she's a bloody woman.
379
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:54,365
Ahhh... Right, why is this not stopping?
Oh, you've cut the brake wires,
380
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,686
haven't you? Very funny.
381
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,245
Guys, seriously!
382
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,725
Argh!
383
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:13,689
Come on, guys, huh!
Hey, who wants to spike Fraser's Kaliber?
384
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,451
Or we could have a dance off
and really lose our dignity.
385
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,404
Come on, everyone make a circle around me.
386
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,205
Whoo! Yeah!
387
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,321
Yeah!
388
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:28,241
- (CHEERING)
- Yeah, we can still have fun. Yeah!
389
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,330
- We can have a good time, yeah!
- Er, Miss?
390
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:35,885
- Alfie.
- CHANTELLE: You came!
391
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,129
So, did you quit DIY Home Stores, Sir?
392
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:44,326
Yes, I did, Frank.
But don't worry, I did it with dignity.
393
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,804
Doris, this has been
the battle of a lifetime
394
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,923
and you, a worthy adversary.
395
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,806
But now we must unite
to destroy our common enemy.
396
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,640
This is Dean's motorcycle helmet.
397
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:00,966
Take it, Doris,
398
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,968
and do what you do best.
399
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,241
Drop it like it's hot, girl.
400
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,930
(LAUGHTER)
401
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,531
- Let's get up and dance.
- FRASER: Oh?!
402
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,642
What do we have here?
403
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,048
Some total stranger's crashed the prom.
404
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,606
Go on, Heather.
Destroy him with one of your quips.
405
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:18,801
Nice to see you, Alfie.
406
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,162
Boom!
What time do you stop sewing, Heather?
407
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,362
Fraser, I quit my job at DIY Home Stores.
408
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,482
Heather, you're fired!
I knew you'd come back to me.
409
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,249
Things got out of control. I got drunk
410
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,282
on yeast and signed us up
to the Baccalaureate
411
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,685
and I don't even know what that is.
412
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,200
Look, mate, you don't need to fire anyone.
413
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,241
I'm just here for the prom.
414
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,681
Alfie, they're playing Bublé!
415
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,131
Tune!
416
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,207
♪ It's a new dawn
417
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:44,006
♪ It's a new day
It's a new life
418
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,769
♪ It's a new dawn
419
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,404
♪ It's a new day
420
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,568
♪ It's a new life
421
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:53,446
♪ It's a new life for me
422
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:59,647
♪ And I'm feeling... good. ♪
423
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,409
It gives me great please-ure
424
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,250
to announce the prom king and queen
of Abbey Grove 2014.
425
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,964
ALL: Ooh!
426
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,446
The votes are in
and the prom king and queen are...
427
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:10,760
...Grayson and Stephanie.
428
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,484
(CHEERING)
429
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,482
I would like to thank Scherzi
for teaching me
430
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,363
that to be scher-mazing on the inside...
431
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,688
You know, we could make this work.
432
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,963
Us being a couple at Abbey Grove.
433
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,162
But I don't want to risk it not working.
434
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,409
I love you, Rosie, and I love teaching,
435
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,841
but if I had to choose one...
436
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:39,961
...I'd choose you.
437
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,967
But what if you don't have to choose?
438
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,968
(APPLAUSE)
439
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:50,521
Sir, it's the last song.
440
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,006
Can we go say goodbye to our classroom?
441
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,520
Go on! They need you.
442
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,171
Another beer, Sir?
443
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,806
I'd better not.
Don't want to set a bad example.
444
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,888
I think it's a little bit too late
for that.
445
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,763
Go on, then.
446
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,930
Sir, we wanted to give you something.
447
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,086
I know I've been dropping hints all term,
448
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,770
but you haven't actually bought me
a hot tub, have you?
449
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,087
The best gifts aren't bought in a shop.
They're home-made.
450
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,646
- Eh...
- We made you a slide show of photos.
451
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,161
Oh, God! It's not like the last
slide show you made for me?
452
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,089
If it is,
I will probably have to destroy it.
453
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,249
No. It's of all of us, here at school.
454
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,045
Thanks, guys. That means a lot.
455
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,966
- FRANK: Oi, what are you doing?
- Carving my initials, innit?
456
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,731
- This isn't prison, babe.
- I know!
457
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:44,766
But I used to think school was
like prison. I've been to 12 now...
458
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,691
...and this is the first one
I actually kinda like.
459
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:49,881
If you like it, you could stay.
460
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,206
Nice try, bruv!
461
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,049
Sir, you know if you
stayed on as a teacher,
462
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:54,923
it would make it easier for us
to come and visit you?
463
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,849
I just don't think I can, Stephen.
464
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,564
But you're the best teacher
in the world, Sir.
465
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:03,128
If I'm so good, then how come
my entire class are leaving after GCSEs?
466
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,528
I think, on paper, that constitutes
a pretty crap teacher.
467
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:10,770
But school's not just about the tests
and the exams and the grades.
468
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,963
Yeah, on paper, we've probably
had a terrible education.
469
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,571
Our GCSE results are gonna be rubbish.
470
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,886
Hey, we don't know that.
471
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,847
Yeah, I mean, they're probably
not gonna be great.
472
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,564
But none of that makes you a bad teacher.
473
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,730
When I first came to this school,
I sort of knew who I was,
474
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,491
deep down, but I was scared
of being that person.
475
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,407
Stephanie?
476
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,363
No, Stephen!
477
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,086
The boy who does the splits
in the canteen! The one-man Glee!
478
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,645
I'll sing it from the rooftops.
479
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,489
I am Stephen Carmichael.
480
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,490
You made me not give a shit about this,
481
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,124
even though my mum bollocked you
482
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,367
when you made me play a tank
in class wars.
483
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,165
It was the first time
that I actually thought
484
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,929
having a chair was boss.
485
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,531
Why do you think I flirted with you, Sir?
486
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,006
You're the first guy who actually
liked me for who I was.
487
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,769
The flirting was just because
488
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,928
I didn't know how to handle
being appreciated.
489
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,850
You don't realise it, Alfie,
but you're that teacher.
490
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:06,610
The one who talks to us like we're adults.
491
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,167
The one who always helps us,
no matter what.
492
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,770
You're the teacher that makes us
feel good about ourselves
493
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,802
for things that other people
don't even notice.
494
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,891
And... that's why you're the teacher
we'll remember for the rest of our lives.
495
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,048
And if you stopped being a teacher,
then...
496
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:26,007
I'd feel guilty for all the kids who never
got to be taught by Alfie Wickers.
497
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,041
Thanks, Joe.
498
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:30,651
Thanks, all of you.
499
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:31,841
(TEXT ALERT)
500
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,923
Got to go. Mum's here.
501
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,365
Bye, Sir.
502
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,330
I never realised just how horrible
that shade of yellow was.
503
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:04,727
Thanks, Sir.
504
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,009
Safe, yeah?
505
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,088
Done now.
506
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,242
(TEXT ALERT)
507
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,005
See ya later, Sir.
508
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,680
(♪ APPARAT: A Violent Sky)
509
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,851
Bye.
510
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,643
Yo, Alfredo! New term, new threads.
511
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,968
Don't worry, this thing turns on
a sixpence. I'm coming back for ya.
512
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,001
Shit!
513
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:14,447
♪ Come on down beneath the violent sky
514
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:21,327
♪ Come on down beneath the violent sky
515
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:28,607
♪ Come on down
beneath the violent sky... ♪
516
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:38,500
Ripped By mstoll