This programme contains adult humour
BELL TOLLS
# There's another diva up in heaven, all dressed up in Prada.
# He was technically our teacher, but he taught us nada.
# He lived by our motto, more is more!
# But now the brother's dead
# Dead as a door.
# Nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nay-ay-ay.
# Dead as your shoes-ah.#
But you're pitching, though, you're pitching. Silence! Enough.
I need to hear what you all say about me when I'm gone.
Gone forever, tragically. For you.
I'm leaving Abbey Grove because...
..I am gooped to announce I will be starring
in a seasonal extravaganza!
A pantomime, a mere stone's throw away from London, St Martin's Lane.
Well, it's in Swindon.
Swindon? The big leagues.
I know, I know.
But you said you'd never do panto over your dead body.
I said I wouldn't whore myself out to some provincial panto.
But, I'm sure you'll all agree, I can't let you hold me back
any longer.
CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS
Oh! Hoburn has rented out the playground to some
German Christmas market.
I do not need reminding that I am a year older and not a penny richer.
Oi, oi! Merry Xmas, one and all!
Oh, not using Xmas.
# It's Cwis-moish!#
Anyway, why are you glowing like a Greggs greasy sausage roll?
Mate, that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Oi, Jinx - ain't Christmas the tits? Loads of booze, loads of food,
loads of pressies. You can't afford any of those things.
This morning we were trying to buy Lego with one of your kidneys.
Well, yeah, I was, until the seller blocked me.
Did you know that eBay don't accept organs?
Is that how, like, Instagram don't let you post nipples? Exactly.
It's an entirely different thing. That's what it is.
But do you know what doesn't cost us a penny?
The Abbey Grove Christmas lunch.
Not now, not ever.
I'm not going to sit around and watch you get drunk and go on
about how Diehard is a Christmas movie.
Well, it is. No, it isn't. It's set at Christmas.
But could you watch and enjoy it at any time of the year?
Well, I could do if you didn't keep changing your Netflix password.
It's Stephen is a star, but all the Ss are dollar signs.
Legend.
BELL RINGS
Come on, you lot, don't want to be late for the Christmas lunch.
Sir, are you really not going to come to lunch?
It's not that I care, but I don't not, not, not care, innit?
Look, I am sorry, but I am meeting the rest of the cast tonight,
and I need a disco nap.
I want to look good.
So what, this is goodbye, then?
I guess so.
You'll be my prayers.
TTYN.
WIND BLOWS
GHOSTLY VOICE MOANS
STEPHEN MOANS
Mitchell?
Have you been drinking Fraser's eggnog again?
Mitchell!
Mitchell?
Just make sure you put some newspaper down before you pass out
this time. The janitor is still trauma...
Ah!
WIND CONTINUES TO BLOW
WIND STOPS
Ah!
Alfie? Ask me not who I am, but who I was.
All right, erm...
Were you Alfie? In life I was Alfred Prufrock Wickers,
but no longer.
You look like you've been dug up.
Yes, I literally have.
So, eh - are you dead?
Yes! It's just you've always been, a little pasty.
Right, could you just shut up and let me haunt you, please?
It is not too late to escape my fate, Stephen.
You will be visited by three spirits.
They will prove to you that you belong at Abbey Grove.
Erm, I'm good. Absolutely not. Thank you.
Aaaahhhh!
Raaaahhhhh!
Alfie? You sound like you're in terrible pain.
Are you OK? Yes. I'm just getting ready to sing.
Oh.
MUSIC BEGINS
# These are the chains I forged in life
# Hewn from the grades of my students
# Ds, Es, Us, no As in sight
# It seems at my job I was useless
# Now I wander the world a spectre
# Chased by undead Ofsted inspectors
# So former students, show some improvement
# Otherwise you'll wind up just like me. #
Will they also make me wear that gilet?
What? Silence!
# Heed what I say
# In your idleness, you have shunned
# The noble tools of the teacher
# You don't give a hoot for curriculums
# You don't even go on Wikipedia
# You're failing the children in your charge
# The bill for your sins has become quite large
# But, Stephen, wait
# It's not too late
# For Christmas is our time to change
# The key...
# Those ghostly creatures attack shit teachers
# That's right
# They got the right man though What?
# And, yeah, that sucks for you
# But ya, boo, sucks to you
# Cos I'm off to do panto
# I'm going to be a star You mustn't go
# I'm going to shine so bright I am a ghost, so I should know you're going
# I'm going to see my name
# In massive bloody lights!
# Tonight! Tonight!
# You will be visited by spirits three
# Each here to teach you a lesson
# Heed their words or become like me
# A wraith with a case of depression
# And a boring song, and a bad gilet... #
Stephen, please! You must listen to the spirits.
# Stay where you belong. What?
# Remain at Abbey Grove! No.
# You've been here for so long I know!
# We'd hate for you to go
# But I don't want to be a teacher
# Then prepare to meet your doom! #
WIND RUSHES
Busted.
You're not the first person who's tried playing dead on me.
Fraser. What do you want?
I come to you on a matter
of deadly seriousness.
They call me
The Ghost Of Christmas Past.
Oh! I think the kids are just being unkind.
No, I'm a ghost!
I am here because I am concerned for your welfare.
Well, you did just wake me up
from a very, very important disco nap, so...
And I don't have to notify
"qualified medical practitioners"
before wading into the darkest recesses of your psyche
on little more than a hunch.
It's just like the good old days.
It's just like the good old... OK, night-night.
You have to take my hand.
Really?
Mm. I'm taking you back to the past.
Uh-uh. Nuh-uh.
# It used to be so lovely Lovely
# Back in the good old days Back in the good old days
# Life was easier
# Folks were breezier
# "Bantersaurus" was my catchphrase
# We used to be such jokers
# "Problematic" is the word you want, hon
# What you talkin' about?
# If things were problematic
# We'd call for a mechanic
# Cos in the past we had harmless fun
# You could whack out a chieftain's head dress
# To help raise awareness How?
# Now you're getting it? No!
# Life was easy-peasy, breezy
# But it's much better now
# Don't be so holier than thou
# Back then we all could dance to Kanye
# With no-one saying it's wrong
# With the mobs on Twitter
# We could play Gold Digger
# And really sing along!
# Fraser, the past was awful
# So drop all that tired cliches
# I hear ya
# Life was easy-peasy, breezy, easy
# Back in the good old days
# You could chat up girls with no backlash
# You could tell your male students, "No splash, no gash"
CHATTER, CHEERING
# So once more for the cheap seats
# Just like all the old stars say
# That now, then, now, then
# We could all be proud then
# Back in the good old
# Bantersaurus, ROFLcopter
# God, I think he needs a doctor
# Good... Bad! ..old... Bad! ..days! #
MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY
It's Christmas 2010.
Matt Cardle is number one
and all is right with the world.
But who's this solitary boy?
As solitary as an oyster.
Relaxed hair,
blue contact lenses.
This must have been my white Christmas.
God, I hope it's not my black Christmas. Hmm?
Fraser.
You have ruined my life.
First you banned ra-ra skirts at school.
Now this?!
You knew I auditioned for drama school.
I've been waiting and waiting for an offer.
And then I find this.
Dear Stephen, thank you for your unusual audition.
You're the first student who has used the threat of violence
to keep our panel seated
throughout an entire one-man play
about Cheryl Cole's back tattoo.
# You may call me "Cole"
# You may call me "Tweedy"
SINGS ALONG: # You may call me Cheryl
# Or Ms Fernandez-Versini...
# But when I hear you tattoo
# These roses on my arse! #
Crypto! Buy crypto!
He can't hear me.
Crypto.
But where's the rest of the letter?
You tore it up. Well, it must be around here somewhere.
Let's have a look for it.
Not in there!
Ahh!
Have you got weird shit in all of these drawers?
What's weird about a collection of hair?
Wait.
That's it.
You know how I'm not allowed to go to people's parties any more? Mm.
Parents, police, Operation: Snooze.
Well, I was desperate to attend
Brad Tinkler's Sweet 16.
Not Brad!
So, I made a decoy, a life-sized replica of myself.
To leave under your duvet whilst you snuck out your bedroom at night?
Better!
I left the decoy at Brad's house.
That way, I was safely tucked up in bed,
but everyone thought I was stood stock-still on the dance floor
all nights like a bloody legend.
Fraser! The point is, I made the decoy out of papier mache
and I'm afraid I used your letter
to make...this.
Mr and Mrs Tinkler were not amused.
Oh, my God.
I don't belong here.
Surrounded by knuckle-dragging norms like Mitchell Harper.
Fair!
You've heard of evolution!
Humans descended from apes.
Well, like all myths,
therein lies a grain of truth.
You might be surprised about how much you have in common
with those knuckle-draggers.
I don't want anything in common with them.
If I'm like them, then what makes me special?
I'm not going to apologise for being ambitious.
The school isn't all about success.
Really?
Then how come I keep getting told I'm failing my kids?
Trust me, that is not the burn you think it is.
So I'm going to be a Abbey Grove until I'm 16?!
Poor boy. You're going to be here a lot longer than that.
How old are you again?
I want to say twenty-ni... Shut up, Fraser!
Wait, Stephen!
Stephen, wait! Nah!
I'm trying to show you
that you can be happy at Abbey Grove.
If only you'd accept
that every single one of us is a star
in our own special way.
I'd rather die.
But tell me this.
Did I get a place at drama school?
Yes.
But if it's any consolation,
when they never heard back from you,
they gave your place to a certain young man who became
THE finest actor of his generation.
Tom Holland? Chesney from Coronation Street.
Show me no more.
Spirits, haunt me no longer!
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, SCREAMING
ECHOING: Chesney from Coronation Street.
Ah, Mr Carmichael.
There you are.
Oh, I assume you're not trying to upskirt me.
Though it's still not a crime in my book.
A man needs a hobby.
STEPHEN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Um, no.
Wait. Hold on.
Are you a ghost as well?
Oh, keep up.
Yes! I am the ghost of Christmas..."formo" is it?
"Formo"?
"FOMO"! FOMO!
Oh, thank you. Yes.
You see, soon, everyone will sit down
to the Abbey Grove Christmas lunch.
We've got wreaths of sausages from the German market.
Are you feeling it?
Loneliness, jealousy,
the keening pull of regret?
I'm going to say....none of those things, actually.
But you haven't seen how much fun your friends are having.
Chop, chop.
We don't have all night!
# Have a holly jolly Christmas
# It's the best time of the year
# Now I don't know if there'll be snow
# But have a cup of cheer
# Have a holly jolly Christmas... #
SONG CONTINUES ON RADIO
You think I'm going to get FOMO
from Mitchell in his bare feet?
His toes look like they're wearing lickle wigs.
Yes, I know he is...
Well, he's grotesque, but imagine what he'll be like without you.
I mean, trust me, I cannot help him!
I try to get him to do the couch to 5k once.
He literally stole a couch worth 5k.
Hmm.
Oh, I believe Mr Harper is about to mistake some German market
traders for terrorists.
SPEAKING GERMAN IN DISTANCE
Germans! It's happening.
It's a Christmas miracle.
It's Die Hard!
Oh, God.
I've be waiting for this moment my whole...
Argh! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shitting hell.
# Watch out, Germans
# God, my feet hurt
# I'm in quite a lot of pain
# But I'll still come kick your arse, Fritz
# Cos my name is John McLane! #
Argh!
Ah! I mean, that singing was just, like, not even funny.
Forgot the eggnog! Oh, for God's sake...
Mind the...
No.
Now, this will cheer you up.
It's a festive cordial with grapes, blackcurrants and raspberries.
Ten years ago, a ghostly voice told me to invest in Vimto
and I've never looked back.
Vimto! Vimto!
Come and get your Vimto.
Uh! He said, "Crypto."
SCREAMING
Watch out! Watch out!
What? Who's that?!
"Now I have a German to English phrase book.
"Ho, ho, ho."
Mr Harper! Mr Harper!
We all knew this day would come
when Mr Harper's tenuous grip on reality would fail.
And he would disappear into the oeuvre of Bruce Willis.
Oh-ho! I've got to see this, man. Yeah, let's go.
Maybe we should wait for Mr Carmichael.
Oh, I'm so over this.
If Mr Carmichael cared about us, he'd be here.
It's his last day ever at Abbey Grove, man.
I'm sure he's busy preparing to meet the cast of his pantomime tonight.
Bitch, please. Sir thinks he's better than us,
but even he's finally realised
he ain't that girl.
Forget Met Ball,
he's too busy doing Mother Goose in Shitsville. Swindon! Swindon!
Whatever, Warren. Of course he's too embarrassed to show his face.
Bitch. I swear, you better hold me back.
Ah-ah-ah. He's following his dream.
OK! It's utterly humiliating,
but that only makes his courage even more inspirational.
You know, it's all heart with Warren.
Like, he's not even mentioned my looks once.
MUFFLED: Come back here!
Oh, God. That'll be Mr Harper in the ventilation shaft.
I mean, come on, guys.
CHUCKLES
Oh, I'm actually stuck now.
Well, you won't miss that rabble.
They're hardly the kind of children who are getting 12 A-stars
on the front page of the Telegraph.
Uh... They're good kids.
They're...funny and kind.
And I mean, fair play,
they're not going to get any A-stars,
but I don't know...
I miss them already.
Well, back to the task in hand.
You need to stop dwelling on past injustices
and start living in the present.
Or at least pretend to so that I can cross you off my list.
Wait, maybe I'm locking myself off.
I mean, I'm a star, period... Hmm!
..but it could be cute
to be in an ensemble.
I mean, let's be honest.
No-one's going to outshine me here.
# Yippee-ki-yay, all you numpties
# I killed all the terrorists
# They thought that they could outsmart me
# But it seems I'm cleverest
# That's not true, sir
# He's not Hans Gruber
# Jesus, this eggnog's 50 proof!
# Bollocks, he was proper evil
# So I threw him off the roof! #
Oh! Flat.
# Mr Mitchell's the greatest
# The greatest teacher I know
# I know!
# Most PE teachers are sadists
# But Mr Mitchell is no weirdo!
# If you are feeling down, he'll cheer you right up
# He's never worn a frown
# He'll take you to the pub
# But strictly as a mate
# It's definitely not a date
# Mr Mitchell's so great
# He's our kind of star
# He says we'll go far
# Yes, he might be really quite thick with a rubbish car
# But he's still a star
# And better than that
# If we get too stressed or upset
# Then he's got our back
# He's our kind of star
# A wonderful bloke
# No airs and no graces with him
# Cos he's always broke
# He's our kind of star
# He makes us believe
# That you can do anything you set out to achieve
# He's our kind of star
# Mr Mitchell's the best
# The strongest steel this land can forge
Bit much.
# He doesn't dress to impress Clearly.
# But who needs Armani when you've got George?
# He shows us all the facts about the birds and the bees
# Plus what you can achieve with no GCSEs
# He's our kind of star
# Our favourite guy
# If we get arrested, he's there with an alibi
# He's our kind of star
# He is our favourite teacher
# Much better than Mr Carmichael
# He is our favourite teacher
# That's why he's our kind of... Make it stop.
# ..star
# He's our kind of star! #
Make it stop now! Stop it.
I want to wake up. I want to wake up!
Hello?
Children, for the last time,
my smoke machine is not a toy.
BELL TOLLS
Another one?!
Hi!
You all right?
Oh, a reunion!
Erm, it's going to be a hard pass for me. I'm so sorry.
I'm attending the soiree tonight.
Splendid to see all of you.
Inchez, I always admired your loyalty to imperial measurements.
Goodness.
I'd forgotten about that old nickname.
I'm afraid my road youth day is behind me.
Well, I'm sure you know all about my career.
Oh, I don't think... As a politician,
it's important to be reminded
of your humble beginnings, innit?
Ah. Of course.
I was the one who banned drag readings at school.
GASPS
Usma!
Bless my soul, look who it is.
So, Harrison,
you look a bit...different.
I hear you're working for a pharmaceutical company.
Oh, Big Pharma!
J'adore!
All these scientists trying to turn me into a guinea pig.
CHUCKLES
I think you mean they're trying to use you as a guinea pig.
All right, darling. Love you. OK. Ciao. Ciao.
Oh, Jinx!
I'm guessing...
Lawyer?
Oh, that must be fulfilling work, Jemima.
Yeah! Jinx represented one of the big pharmas who experimented on me.
A certain cosmetics company was trialling
a new lead-based nail polish.
And I didn't get any compensation at all.
Good on you, Jinx! Oh, good God.
Funny, isn't it?
I still can't believe he's not here after all these years. Hmm.
Oh, children.
I know, I know.
He was a one-off.
I've never met anyone so talented.
And funny.
And sweet.
It's good we're all here together to remember him.
What do you mean - "remember"?
Whose photo is in that frame?
Mm! See for myself.
Warren?!
Oh! God! You got me, girl.
Wait. Spirit.
Does that mean if...
If I quit tonight, Warren's...
Oh, my God.
Sorry, it's just a little...
It's just a little bit awkward
because...love him, but...
I'm probably still going to take the panto so...
Sir! Warren!
Oh, I thought you were dead.
I am.
I'm a ghost.
Um, when did you die? I die at 40. 40?!
That's all right. I mean, did you die in sleep?
I died in a boating accident.
Well, apparently, drowning is basically like falling asleep.
I didn't drown.
And look at the rest of the class.
Usma's a fascist.
Harrison... Harrison lives a hardscrabble life
showing off his thumbs to men in car parks.
They don't even remember your name.
I mean... Please!
Now you're being silly. I mean, for real.
What...? What was his name again? Um...
Sven? Stewart?
"Sven"?
It's Stephen Carmichael.
Oh, thank you, Jinx.
She was always my favourite.
The only reason I remember
is because he was named in a new legal case of ours.
Oh! A legal case!
Maybe I'm cited in somebody's divorce
or a stalker.
Cute.
Is Stephen still in showbiz?
Yes. Duh!
Well, radio.
OK! A little bit retro. But we move!
He does the shipping forecast. Huh?
BEEPING
Viking! Southeast six to gale eight.
Fog moderately...ROUGH!
Cromarty. Northeast three to five.
Foggy, patches.
Dogger. Thundershowers - very, very rough.
I say, "Abandon ship!"
# Abandon ship!
# Abandon ship! #
He's responsible for an oil tanker overturning
off the coast of Australia,
poisoning the world's last remaining coral reef
and... Killing Warren.
Yeah. He was swimming in that coral reef.
SOBBING
Awkward turtle.
So, you see, sir, if you leave Abbey Grove,
not only do you rob us of creativity and joy in our lives,
but you become a poster boy for wanton destruction.
I'm sorry, but you had me at "poster boy".
Sir, you're on trial.
Trial-schmial, Warren.
I am sorry, but press is press.
Maybe just tell your past self not to go scuba diving.
Hmm!
Woo! That's not how this works.
You can't do that to me.
Woo! I tried to warn you! Look at me!
Look at my head.
Look at my head!
MUSIC: Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
Can't believe he didn't show.
He always said that he hated it,
but just thought it was part of the act.
Didn't even say goodbye. This might cheer you up.
I'm planning a diving holiday.
Anyone want to see some photos of the coral reef?
Nope. Yeah.
CLANGS POTS
Bitch, I'm back.
THEY GASP
Sir, you're back!
My God!
What made you change your mind?
I listened to yous.
I may not be exactly where I dreamt I was going to be when I was 15,
but I'm not going to give away everything I've got
for everything I'm not.
I've finally realised what makes me special.
It's you guys.
The look on your faces when I just walked in.
You're all stars.
And....
I mean, that panto was just...
It was just not right for me on, like, an artistic level.
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
And just out of interest.
What part did they give you?
Fine.
I didn't realise I was being cast as the panto horse.
Which end?
The wrong end!
And the front part was being played
by Chesney from Coronation Street.
Oh, my God! Acting royalty! What a legend.
I will have you know, he stole my place at drama school.
Well, I'm glad you didn't go.
Otherwise, we wouldn't have been mates.
Let's give the janitor the fright of his life.
It's time for my solo number!
# I am...
Germans!
Oh, my God. Harrison, it's actually happening.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Yippee-ki-yay, mother...