1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,720 This programme contains adult humour 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,600 BELL TOLLS 3 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,600 # There's another diva up in heaven, all dressed up in Prada. 4 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,160 # He was technically our teacher, but he taught us nada. 5 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,800 # He lived by our motto, more is more! 6 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,920 # But now the brother's dead 7 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,720 # Dead as a door. 8 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,120 # Nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nay-ay-ay. 9 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:33,600 # Dead as your shoes-ah.# 10 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,160 But you're pitching, though, you're pitching. Silence! Enough. 11 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,440 I need to hear what you all say about me when I'm gone. 12 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,360 Gone forever, tragically. For you. 13 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:48,560 I'm leaving Abbey Grove because... 14 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:52,160 ..I am gooped to announce I will be starring 15 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,560 in a seasonal extravaganza! 16 00:00:55,560 --> 00:01:00,080 A pantomime, a mere stone's throw away from London, St Martin's Lane. 17 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,480 Well, it's in Swindon. 18 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,840 Swindon? The big leagues. 19 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,560 I know, I know. 20 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,840 But you said you'd never do panto over your dead body. 21 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,520 I said I wouldn't whore myself out to some provincial panto. 22 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,440 But, I'm sure you'll all agree, I can't let you hold me back 23 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:19,040 any longer. 24 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,040 CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS 25 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,240 Oh! Hoburn has rented out the playground to some 26 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,080 German Christmas market. 27 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:31,760 I do not need reminding that I am a year older and not a penny richer. 28 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,720 Oi, oi! Merry Xmas, one and all! 29 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,200 Oh, not using Xmas. 30 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,120 # It's Cwis-moish!# 31 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,360 Anyway, why are you glowing like a Greggs greasy sausage roll? 32 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,800 Mate, that is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. 33 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,000 Oi, Jinx - ain't Christmas the tits? Loads of booze, loads of food, 34 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,960 loads of pressies. You can't afford any of those things. 35 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,600 This morning we were trying to buy Lego with one of your kidneys. 36 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,720 Well, yeah, I was, until the seller blocked me. 37 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,840 Did you know that eBay don't accept organs? 38 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,440 Is that how, like, Instagram don't let you post nipples? Exactly. 39 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,680 It's an entirely different thing. That's what it is. 40 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,600 But do you know what doesn't cost us a penny? 41 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,480 The Abbey Grove Christmas lunch. 42 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:12,240 Not now, not ever. 43 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,800 I'm not going to sit around and watch you get drunk and go on 44 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,200 about how Diehard is a Christmas movie. 45 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,560 Well, it is. No, it isn't. It's set at Christmas. 46 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,760 But could you watch and enjoy it at any time of the year? 47 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,600 Well, I could do if you didn't keep changing your Netflix password. 48 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,400 It's Stephen is a star, but all the Ss are dollar signs. 49 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,400 Legend. 50 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,040 BELL RINGS 51 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,560 Come on, you lot, don't want to be late for the Christmas lunch. 52 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,280 Sir, are you really not going to come to lunch? 53 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:44,320 It's not that I care, but I don't not, not, not care, innit? 54 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,320 Look, I am sorry, but I am meeting the rest of the cast tonight, 55 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,240 and I need a disco nap. 56 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:50,960 I want to look good. 57 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,760 So what, this is goodbye, then? 58 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,440 I guess so. 59 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,080 You'll be my prayers. 60 00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,440 TTYN. 61 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,240 WIND BLOWS 62 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,760 GHOSTLY VOICE MOANS 63 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,520 STEPHEN MOANS 64 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,080 Mitchell? 65 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:49,040 Have you been drinking Fraser's eggnog again? 66 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,960 Mitchell! 67 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,640 Mitchell? 68 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:56,200 Just make sure you put some newspaper down before you pass out 69 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,480 this time. The janitor is still trauma... 70 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,640 Ah! 71 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,880 WIND CONTINUES TO BLOW 72 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,400 WIND STOPS 73 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:17,800 Ah! 74 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:23,160 Alfie? Ask me not who I am, but who I was. 75 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,200 All right, erm... 76 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:30,520 Were you Alfie? In life I was Alfred Prufrock Wickers, 77 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,320 but no longer. 78 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,240 You look like you've been dug up. 79 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,600 Yes, I literally have. 80 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,920 So, eh - are you dead? 81 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:45,240 Yes! It's just you've always been, a little pasty. 82 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,160 Right, could you just shut up and let me haunt you, please? 83 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,760 It is not too late to escape my fate, Stephen. 84 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,600 You will be visited by three spirits. 85 00:04:55,600 --> 00:05:00,240 They will prove to you that you belong at Abbey Grove. 86 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,080 Erm, I'm good. Absolutely not. Thank you. 87 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,560 Aaaahhhh! 88 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,360 Raaaahhhhh! 89 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,560 Alfie? You sound like you're in terrible pain. 90 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,320 Are you OK? Yes. I'm just getting ready to sing. 91 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,000 Oh. 92 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:19,920 MUSIC BEGINS 93 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,200 # These are the chains I forged in life 94 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,200 # Hewn from the grades of my students 95 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,120 # Ds, Es, Us, no As in sight 96 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,440 # It seems at my job I was useless 97 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,280 # Now I wander the world a spectre 98 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,640 # Chased by undead Ofsted inspectors 99 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,640 # So former students, show some improvement 100 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,360 # Otherwise you'll wind up just like me. # 101 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,160 Will they also make me wear that gilet? 102 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,600 What? Silence! 103 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,120 # Heed what I say 104 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,000 # In your idleness, you have shunned 105 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,160 # The noble tools of the teacher 106 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,080 # You don't give a hoot for curriculums 107 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,200 # You don't even go on Wikipedia 108 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,240 # You're failing the children in your charge 109 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,360 # The bill for your sins has become quite large 110 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,760 # But, Stephen, wait 111 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,680 # It's not too late 112 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,560 # For Christmas is our time to change 113 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:22,840 # The key... 114 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,800 # Those ghostly creatures attack shit teachers 115 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,200 # That's right 116 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,760 # They got the right man though What? 117 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,200 # And, yeah, that sucks for you 118 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,040 # But ya, boo, sucks to you 119 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,120 # Cos I'm off to do panto 120 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,560 # I'm going to be a star You mustn't go 121 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,880 # I'm going to shine so bright I am a ghost, so I should know you're going 122 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,520 # I'm going to see my name 123 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,680 # In massive bloody lights! 124 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,200 # Tonight! Tonight! 125 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,880 # You will be visited by spirits three 126 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,240 # Each here to teach you a lesson 127 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:55,680 # Heed their words or become like me 128 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,520 # A wraith with a case of depression 129 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,400 # And a boring song, and a bad gilet... # 130 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,800 Stephen, please! You must listen to the spirits. 131 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,320 # Stay where you belong. What? 132 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,040 # Remain at Abbey Grove! No. 133 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,680 # You've been here for so long I know! 134 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:10,840 # We'd hate for you to go 135 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,600 # But I don't want to be a teacher 136 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:22,600 # Then prepare to meet your doom! # 137 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,360 WIND RUSHES 138 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,400 Busted. 139 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,840 You're not the first person who's tried playing dead on me. 140 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,480 Fraser. What do you want? 141 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,320 I come to you on a matter 142 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,320 of deadly seriousness. 143 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,240 They call me 144 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,240 The Ghost Of Christmas Past. 145 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,680 Oh! I think the kids are just being unkind. 146 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,760 No, I'm a ghost! 147 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,880 I am here because I am concerned for your welfare. 148 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,400 Well, you did just wake me up 149 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,720 from a very, very important disco nap, so... 150 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,720 And I don't have to notify 151 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,520 "qualified medical practitioners" 152 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,360 before wading into the darkest recesses of your psyche 153 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,600 on little more than a hunch. 154 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,160 It's just like the good old days. 155 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,840 It's just like the good old days. 156 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,680 It's just like the good old... OK, night-night. 157 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,080 You have to take my hand. 158 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,480 Really? 159 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,800 Mm. I'm taking you back to the past. 160 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,600 Uh-uh. Nuh-uh. 161 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,480 # It used to be so lovely Lovely 162 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,960 # Back in the good old days Back in the good old days 163 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,800 # Life was easier 164 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,600 # Folks were breezier 165 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,800 # "Bantersaurus" was my catchphrase 166 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:54,000 # We used to be such jokers 167 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,560 # "Problematic" is the word you want, hon 168 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,080 # What you talkin' about? 169 00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,520 # If things were problematic 170 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,200 # We'd call for a mechanic 171 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,040 # Cos in the past we had harmless fun 172 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,600 # You could whack out a chieftain's head dress 173 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,120 # To help raise awareness How? 174 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,840 # Now you're getting it? No! 175 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,680 # Life was easy-peasy, breezy 176 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,240 # But it's much better now 177 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,600 # Don't be so holier than thou 178 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,320 # Back then we all could dance to Kanye 179 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,000 # With no-one saying it's wrong 180 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,000 # With the mobs on Twitter 181 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,040 # We could play Gold Digger 182 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,840 # And really sing along! 183 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,920 # Fraser, the past was awful 184 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,720 # So drop all that tired cliches 185 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,720 # I hear ya 186 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,000 # Life was easy-peasy, breezy, easy 187 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,920 # Back in the good old days 188 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,320 # You could chat up girls with no backlash 189 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:52,200 # You could tell your male students, "No splash, no gash" 190 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,480 CHATTER, CHEERING 191 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,480 # So once more for the cheap seats 192 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,400 # Just like all the old stars say 193 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,560 # That now, then, now, then 194 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,520 # We could all be proud then 195 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,800 # Back in the good old 196 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,520 # Bantersaurus, ROFLcopter 197 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,440 # God, I think he needs a doctor 198 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,680 # Good... Bad! ..old... Bad! ..days! # 199 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,440 MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY 200 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,760 It's Christmas 2010. 201 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,680 Matt Cardle is number one 202 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,080 and all is right with the world. 203 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,840 But who's this solitary boy? 204 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,040 As solitary as an oyster. 205 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,400 Relaxed hair, 206 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,480 blue contact lenses. 207 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,800 This must have been my white Christmas. 208 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,400 God, I hope it's not my black Christmas. Hmm? 209 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,560 Fraser. 210 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,040 You have ruined my life. 211 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,560 First you banned ra-ra skirts at school. 212 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,000 Now this?! 213 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,880 You knew I auditioned for drama school. 214 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,800 I've been waiting and waiting for an offer. 215 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:05,960 And then I find this. 216 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:16,800 Dear Stephen, thank you for your unusual audition. 217 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,840 You're the first student who has used the threat of violence 218 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,520 to keep our panel seated 219 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,720 throughout an entire one-man play 220 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,480 about Cheryl Cole's back tattoo. 221 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,920 # You may call me "Cole" 222 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,560 # You may call me "Tweedy" 223 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,120 SINGS ALONG: # You may call me Cheryl 224 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,600 # Or Ms Fernandez-Versini... 225 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,960 # But when I hear you tattoo 226 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:46,520 # These roses on my arse! # 227 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,520 Crypto! Buy crypto! 228 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,040 He can't hear me. 229 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,080 Crypto. 230 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,840 But where's the rest of the letter? 231 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,840 You tore it up. Well, it must be around here somewhere. 232 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,240 Let's have a look for it. 233 00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,600 Not in there! 234 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,640 Ahh! 235 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,680 Have you got weird shit in all of these drawers? 236 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,320 What's weird about a collection of hair? 237 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,920 Wait. 238 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,120 That's it. 239 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,400 You know how I'm not allowed to go to people's parties any more? Mm. 240 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,560 Parents, police, Operation: Snooze. 241 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,800 Well, I was desperate to attend 242 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,440 Brad Tinkler's Sweet 16. 243 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,880 Not Brad! 244 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:23,160 So, I made a decoy, a life-sized replica of myself. 245 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,680 To leave under your duvet whilst you snuck out your bedroom at night? 246 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,360 Better! 247 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,800 I left the decoy at Brad's house. 248 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,520 That way, I was safely tucked up in bed, 249 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,840 but everyone thought I was stood stock-still on the dance floor 250 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,600 all nights like a bloody legend. 251 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,960 Fraser! The point is, I made the decoy out of papier mache 252 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,480 and I'm afraid I used your letter 253 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,680 to make...this. 254 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,240 Mr and Mrs Tinkler were not amused. 255 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,080 Oh, my God. 256 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,720 I don't belong here. 257 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,720 Surrounded by knuckle-dragging norms like Mitchell Harper. 258 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,640 Fair! 259 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,480 You've heard of evolution! 260 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,680 Humans descended from apes. 261 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,320 Well, like all myths, 262 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,520 therein lies a grain of truth. 263 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,120 You might be surprised about how much you have in common 264 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,440 with those knuckle-draggers. 265 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,520 I don't want anything in common with them. 266 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,600 If I'm like them, then what makes me special? 267 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,880 I'm not going to apologise for being ambitious. 268 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,560 The school isn't all about success. 269 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,720 Really? 270 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,040 Then how come I keep getting told I'm failing my kids? 271 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,600 Trust me, that is not the burn you think it is. 272 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,760 So I'm going to be a Abbey Grove until I'm 16?! 273 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,680 Poor boy. You're going to be here a lot longer than that. 274 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,160 How old are you again? 275 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,360 I want to say twenty-ni... Shut up, Fraser! 276 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,920 Wait, Stephen! 277 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,840 Stephen, wait! Nah! 278 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,720 I'm trying to show you 279 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,480 that you can be happy at Abbey Grove. 280 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,080 If only you'd accept 281 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,760 that every single one of us is a star 282 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,480 in our own special way. 283 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,800 I'd rather die. 284 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,000 But tell me this. 285 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,720 Did I get a place at drama school? 286 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:02,800 Yes. 287 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,200 But if it's any consolation, 288 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,800 when they never heard back from you, 289 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,320 they gave your place to a certain young man who became 290 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:09,840 THE finest actor of his generation. 291 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,280 Tom Holland? Chesney from Coronation Street. 292 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,680 Show me no more. 293 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,720 Spirits, haunt me no longer! 294 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,040 ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, SCREAMING 295 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,640 ECHOING: Chesney from Coronation Street. 296 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,960 Ah, Mr Carmichael. 297 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,680 There you are. 298 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,040 Oh, I assume you're not trying to upskirt me. 299 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,880 Though it's still not a crime in my book. 300 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,200 A man needs a hobby. 301 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,640 STEPHEN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 302 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,640 Um, no. 303 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,280 Wait. Hold on. 304 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,920 Are you a ghost as well? 305 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,800 Oh, keep up. 306 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,840 Yes! I am the ghost of Christmas..."formo" is it? 307 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,160 "Formo"? 308 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,360 "FOMO"! FOMO! 309 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,520 Oh, thank you. Yes. 310 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,560 You see, soon, everyone will sit down 311 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,600 to the Abbey Grove Christmas lunch. 312 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,240 We've got wreaths of sausages from the German market. 313 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,800 Are you feeling it? 314 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,920 Loneliness, jealousy, 315 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,760 the keening pull of regret? 316 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,920 I'm going to say....none of those things, actually. 317 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,240 But you haven't seen how much fun your friends are having. 318 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,560 Chop, chop. 319 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,360 We don't have all night! 320 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,000 # Have a holly jolly Christmas 321 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,440 # It's the best time of the year 322 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,320 # Now I don't know if there'll be snow 323 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,160 # But have a cup of cheer 324 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,440 # Have a holly jolly Christmas... # 325 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,040 SONG CONTINUES ON RADIO 326 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:39,640 You think I'm going to get FOMO 327 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,520 from Mitchell in his bare feet? 328 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,400 His toes look like they're wearing lickle wigs. 329 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,040 Yes, I know he is... 330 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,600 Well, he's grotesque, but imagine what he'll be like without you. 331 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,880 I mean, trust me, I cannot help him! 332 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,600 I try to get him to do the couch to 5k once. 333 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,040 He literally stole a couch worth 5k. 334 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,640 Hmm. 335 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,320 Oh, I believe Mr Harper is about to mistake some German market 336 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,840 traders for terrorists. 337 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,840 SPEAKING GERMAN IN DISTANCE 338 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,760 Germans! It's happening. 339 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,560 It's a Christmas miracle. 340 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,160 It's Die Hard! 341 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,600 Oh, God. 342 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,480 I've be waiting for this moment my whole... 343 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,240 Argh! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shitting hell. 344 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,040 # Watch out, Germans 345 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,440 # God, my feet hurt 346 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,360 # I'm in quite a lot of pain 347 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,840 # But I'll still come kick your arse, Fritz 348 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:36,520 # Cos my name is John McLane! # 349 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,320 Argh! 350 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,680 Ah! I mean, that singing was just, like, not even funny. 351 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,480 Forgot the eggnog! Oh, for God's sake... 352 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,400 Mind the... 353 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,880 No. 354 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,080 Now, this will cheer you up. 355 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,400 It's a festive cordial with grapes, blackcurrants and raspberries. 356 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,560 Ten years ago, a ghostly voice told me to invest in Vimto 357 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,080 and I've never looked back. 358 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,880 Vimto! Vimto! 359 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,600 Come and get your Vimto. 360 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,000 Uh! He said, "Crypto." 361 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,040 SCREAMING 362 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,840 Watch out! Watch out! 363 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,240 What? Who's that?! 364 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,960 "Now I have a German to English phrase book. 365 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,880 "Ho, ho, ho." 366 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,320 Mr Harper! Mr Harper! 367 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,800 We all knew this day would come 368 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,400 when Mr Harper's tenuous grip on reality would fail. 369 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,480 And he would disappear into the oeuvre of Bruce Willis. 370 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,400 Oh-ho! I've got to see this, man. Yeah, let's go. 371 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,600 Maybe we should wait for Mr Carmichael. 372 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,120 Oh, I'm so over this. 373 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,560 If Mr Carmichael cared about us, he'd be here. 374 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,560 It's his last day ever at Abbey Grove, man. 375 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,640 I'm sure he's busy preparing to meet the cast of his pantomime tonight. 376 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,000 Bitch, please. Sir thinks he's better than us, 377 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,600 but even he's finally realised 378 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,960 he ain't that girl. 379 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,200 Forget Met Ball, 380 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,080 he's too busy doing Mother Goose in Shitsville. Swindon! Swindon! 381 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,160 Whatever, Warren. Of course he's too embarrassed to show his face. 382 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,080 Bitch. I swear, you better hold me back. 383 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,320 Ah-ah-ah. He's following his dream. 384 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,640 OK! It's utterly humiliating, 385 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,200 but that only makes his courage even more inspirational. 386 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,560 You know, it's all heart with Warren. 387 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,840 Like, he's not even mentioned my looks once. 388 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,480 MUFFLED: Come back here! 389 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,560 Oh, God. That'll be Mr Harper in the ventilation shaft. 390 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,960 I mean, come on, guys. 391 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,160 CHUCKLES 392 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,840 Oh, I'm actually stuck now. 393 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,760 Well, you won't miss that rabble. 394 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,480 They're hardly the kind of children who are getting 12 A-stars 395 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,480 on the front page of the Telegraph. 396 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,160 Uh... They're good kids. 397 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,920 They're...funny and kind. 398 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,760 And I mean, fair play, 399 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,800 they're not going to get any A-stars, 400 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,280 but I don't know... 401 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,800 I miss them already. 402 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,360 Well, back to the task in hand. 403 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,600 You need to stop dwelling on past injustices 404 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,040 and start living in the present. 405 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,000 Or at least pretend to so that I can cross you off my list. 406 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,200 Wait, maybe I'm locking myself off. 407 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,760 I mean, I'm a star, period... Hmm! 408 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,640 ..but it could be cute 409 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,760 to be in an ensemble. 410 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,960 I mean, let's be honest. 411 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,200 No-one's going to outshine me here. 412 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,240 # Yippee-ki-yay, all you numpties 413 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,600 # I killed all the terrorists 414 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,680 # They thought that they could outsmart me 415 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,120 # But it seems I'm cleverest 416 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,840 # That's not true, sir 417 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,560 # He's not Hans Gruber 418 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,000 # Jesus, this eggnog's 50 proof! 419 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,360 # Bollocks, he was proper evil 420 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:36,000 # So I threw him off the roof! # 421 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,160 Oh! Flat. 422 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,360 # Mr Mitchell's the greatest 423 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,840 # The greatest teacher I know 424 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,160 # I know! 425 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,600 # Most PE teachers are sadists 426 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,200 # But Mr Mitchell is no weirdo! 427 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,560 # If you are feeling down, he'll cheer you right up 428 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,200 # He's never worn a frown 429 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,280 # He'll take you to the pub 430 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,960 # But strictly as a mate 431 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,920 # It's definitely not a date 432 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,520 # Mr Mitchell's so great 433 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,680 # He's our kind of star 434 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,200 # He says we'll go far 435 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,800 # Yes, he might be really quite thick with a rubbish car 436 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,520 # But he's still a star 437 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,400 # And better than that 438 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,440 # If we get too stressed or upset 439 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,200 # Then he's got our back 440 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,800 # He's our kind of star 441 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,800 # A wonderful bloke 442 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,080 # No airs and no graces with him 443 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,480 # Cos he's always broke 444 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,040 # He's our kind of star 445 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,800 # He makes us believe 446 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,480 # That you can do anything you set out to achieve 447 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,080 # He's our kind of star 448 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,000 # Mr Mitchell's the best 449 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,640 # The strongest steel this land can forge 450 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:50,960 Bit much. 451 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,800 # He doesn't dress to impress Clearly. 452 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,400 # But who needs Armani when you've got George? 453 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:01,080 # He shows us all the facts about the birds and the bees 454 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:05,400 # Plus what you can achieve with no GCSEs 455 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,440 # He's our kind of star 456 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,160 # Our favourite guy 457 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,760 # If we get arrested, he's there with an alibi 458 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,840 # He's our kind of star 459 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,240 # He is our favourite teacher 460 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:21,440 # Much better than Mr Carmichael 461 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,200 # He is our favourite teacher 462 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,760 # That's why he's our kind of... Make it stop. 463 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,920 # ..star 464 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,640 # He's our kind of star! # 465 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,120 Make it stop now! Stop it. 466 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,440 I want to wake up. I want to wake up! 467 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,320 Hello? 468 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,080 Children, for the last time, 469 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,280 my smoke machine is not a toy. 470 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,960 BELL TOLLS 471 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,120 Another one?! 472 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,360 Hi! 473 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:04,840 You all right? 474 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,760 Oh, a reunion! 475 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,120 Erm, it's going to be a hard pass for me. I'm so sorry. 476 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,000 I'm attending the soiree tonight. 477 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,520 Splendid to see all of you. 478 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:20,760 Inchez, I always admired your loyalty to imperial measurements. 479 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,080 Goodness. 480 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,400 I'd forgotten about that old nickname. 481 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,760 I'm afraid my road youth day is behind me. 482 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,160 Well, I'm sure you know all about my career. 483 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,800 Oh, I don't think... As a politician, 484 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,640 it's important to be reminded 485 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,800 of your humble beginnings, innit? 486 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,320 Ah. Of course. 487 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,520 I was the one who banned drag readings at school. 488 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,640 GASPS 489 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,640 Usma! 490 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,880 Bless my soul, look who it is. 491 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,920 So, Harrison, 492 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,480 you look a bit...different. 493 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,760 I hear you're working for a pharmaceutical company. 494 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,560 Oh, Big Pharma! 495 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,080 J'adore! 496 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:59,240 All these scientists trying to turn me into a guinea pig. 497 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,240 CHUCKLES 498 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,720 I think you mean they're trying to use you as a guinea pig. 499 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,600 All right, darling. Love you. OK. Ciao. Ciao. 500 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,480 Oh, Jinx! 501 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,200 I'm guessing... 502 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,520 Lawyer? 503 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,320 Oh, that must be fulfilling work, Jemima. 504 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:19,680 Yeah! Jinx represented one of the big pharmas who experimented on me. 505 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,000 A certain cosmetics company was trialling 506 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,400 a new lead-based nail polish. 507 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,640 And I didn't get any compensation at all. 508 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,120 Good on you, Jinx! Oh, good God. 509 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,240 Funny, isn't it? 510 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,760 I still can't believe he's not here after all these years. Hmm. 511 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,320 Oh, children. 512 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,000 I know, I know. 513 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,600 He was a one-off. 514 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,560 I've never met anyone so talented. 515 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,000 And funny. 516 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,480 And sweet. 517 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,240 It's good we're all here together to remember him. 518 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,960 What do you mean - "remember"? 519 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,040 Whose photo is in that frame? 520 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,960 Mm! See for myself. 521 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,840 Warren?! 522 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,560 Oh! God! You got me, girl. 523 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,440 Wait. Spirit. 524 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,360 Does that mean if... 525 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,680 If I quit tonight, Warren's... 526 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,400 Oh, my God. 527 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,800 Sorry, it's just a little... 528 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,360 It's just a little bit awkward 529 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,880 because...love him, but... 530 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,760 I'm probably still going to take the panto so... 531 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,080 Sir! Warren! 532 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,240 Oh, I thought you were dead. 533 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,680 I am. 534 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:41,880 I'm a ghost. 535 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,520 Um, when did you die? I die at 40. 40?! 536 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,840 That's all right. I mean, did you die in sleep? 537 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,280 I died in a boating accident. 538 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:51,920 Well, apparently, drowning is basically like falling asleep. 539 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,000 I didn't drown. 540 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,760 And look at the rest of the class. 541 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,160 Usma's a fascist. 542 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,880 Harrison... Harrison lives a hardscrabble life 543 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,640 showing off his thumbs to men in car parks. 544 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,320 They don't even remember your name. 545 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,800 I mean... Please! 546 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,040 Now you're being silly. I mean, for real. 547 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,680 What...? What was his name again? Um... 548 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,720 Sven? Stewart? 549 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,040 "Sven"? 550 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:16,320 It's Stephen Carmichael. 551 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,720 Oh, thank you, Jinx. 552 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,960 She was always my favourite. 553 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,640 The only reason I remember 554 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,040 is because he was named in a new legal case of ours. 555 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,520 Oh! A legal case! 556 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,400 Maybe I'm cited in somebody's divorce 557 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,320 or a stalker. 558 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,760 Cute. 559 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,720 Is Stephen still in showbiz? 560 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,000 Yes. Duh! 561 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,080 Well, radio. 562 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,360 OK! A little bit retro. But we move! 563 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,200 He does the shipping forecast. Huh? 564 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,120 BEEPING 565 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,080 Viking! Southeast six to gale eight. 566 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,200 Fog moderately...ROUGH! 567 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,760 Cromarty. Northeast three to five. 568 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,440 Foggy, patches. 569 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,120 Dogger. Thundershowers - very, very rough. 570 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,840 I say, "Abandon ship!" 571 00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,520 # Abandon ship! 572 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:03,400 # Abandon ship! # 573 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:05,840 He's responsible for an oil tanker overturning 574 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,240 off the coast of Australia, 575 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,760 poisoning the world's last remaining coral reef 576 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,000 and... Killing Warren. 577 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,160 Yeah. He was swimming in that coral reef. 578 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,440 SOBBING 579 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:18,920 Awkward turtle. 580 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,560 So, you see, sir, if you leave Abbey Grove, 581 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,440 not only do you rob us of creativity and joy in our lives, 582 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,360 but you become a poster boy for wanton destruction. 583 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,480 I'm sorry, but you had me at "poster boy". 584 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:30,920 Sir, you're on trial. 585 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,720 Trial-schmial, Warren. 586 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,320 I am sorry, but press is press. 587 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,760 Maybe just tell your past self not to go scuba diving. 588 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,120 Hmm! 589 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,720 Woo! That's not how this works. 590 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,760 You can't do that to me. 591 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,840 Woo! I tried to warn you! Look at me! 592 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,000 Look at my head. 593 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,600 Look at my head! 594 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,760 MUSIC: Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande 595 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,040 Can't believe he didn't show. 596 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,600 He always said that he hated it, 597 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,920 but just thought it was part of the act. 598 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,400 Didn't even say goodbye. This might cheer you up. 599 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,200 I'm planning a diving holiday. 600 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,240 Anyone want to see some photos of the coral reef? 601 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,840 Nope. Yeah. 602 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,680 CLANGS POTS 603 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,120 Bitch, I'm back. 604 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,600 THEY GASP 605 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:17,640 Sir, you're back! 606 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,520 My God! 607 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,080 What made you change your mind? 608 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,120 I listened to yous. 609 00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:31,720 I may not be exactly where I dreamt I was going to be when I was 15, 610 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:35,640 but I'm not going to give away everything I've got 611 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,320 for everything I'm not. 612 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,760 I've finally realised what makes me special. 613 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,400 It's you guys. 614 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,640 The look on your faces when I just walked in. 615 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,440 You're all stars. 616 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,520 And.... 617 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,160 I mean, that panto was just... 618 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,120 It was just not right for me on, like, an artistic level. 619 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,640 Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. 620 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,080 And just out of interest. 621 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,640 What part did they give you? 622 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:01,880 Fine. 623 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,680 I didn't realise I was being cast as the panto horse. 624 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,200 Which end? 625 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,120 The wrong end! 626 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,200 And the front part was being played 627 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,600 by Chesney from Coronation Street. 628 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,120 Oh, my God! Acting royalty! What a legend. 629 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,920 I will have you know, he stole my place at drama school. 630 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,400 Well, I'm glad you didn't go. 631 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,040 Otherwise, we wouldn't have been mates. 632 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,720 Let's give the janitor the fright of his life. 633 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,360 It's time for my solo number! 634 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,120 # I am... 635 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,440 Germans! 636 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,920 Oh, my God. Harrison, it's actually happening. 637 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,040 It's a Christmas miracle. 638 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,320 Yippee-ki-yay, mother...