1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,600 Sir, I'm really nervous. I put everything into my invention. 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:07,920 Relax your lace fronts. 4 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,760 There's only one health condition that science REALLY needs to fix. 5 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,280 Cancer. 6 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,520 Uh, no. Cancer gets enough airtime. 7 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,040 She's a booked and busy girlie. 8 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,440 I'm talking about the debilitating condition called the ick! 9 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,720 Yes, you're right. I'm the one being ridiculous. 10 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,240 Mm-hm. Honestly, I was on a date last night with a sugar zaddy 11 00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:27,280 and, whoo! Murder, she said. The ick! I don't know why! 12 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,480 Ooh! Did he have a blocked nose, sir? 13 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:30,800 That gives me the ick! 14 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,000 It's like, "Fam, if a common cold can take you out, 15 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,480 "then you definitely can't take ME out!" 16 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,000 Sniffling like a dickhead! 17 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,520 Oh! Miss. 18 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,240 Ms Hassan. I hope you're as excited 19 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,960 about trialling your health invention on my guinea pig. 20 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,840 Uh, Miss. Animals have rights too. Oh, not this one, no. 21 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,560 He sold them to me to upgrade his Sky Sports package. 22 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,760 Huh? I'm talking about Mr Harper. 23 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,560 Have you seen him? Oh. 24 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,000 He may have slept in. 25 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,560 It was a big day for his community yesterday. 26 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,480 I thought St Patrick's Day was last month? 27 00:00:58,480 --> 00:00:59,800 Danny Dyer's birthday. 28 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:00,880 It's like Easter Sunday 29 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,160 for the cis-het, Caucasian, hooligan community. 30 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,120 Oh. But fear not, because I think we have found the invention 31 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,560 that will help win this health and fitness competition. 32 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,680 Mm. 33 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,240 Made by Class K's very own mastermind, Warren. 34 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:17,720 I give you...the expanding kitten heel! Ooh. 35 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,000 And how does that relate in any way to the fitness brief? 36 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,960 I look fit in 'em. Teacher by day, hoochie mama by noight! 37 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,720 Ahem. 38 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,800 Ow! 39 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,800 THEY ALL GASP 40 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,800 Oh! Oh. Uh! 41 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,680 It's still a prototype. 42 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,560 Sir won't tell me his real weight. 43 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,479 I'd rather die. 44 00:01:36,479 --> 00:01:37,600 Ugh! 45 00:02:08,479 --> 00:02:12,560 Abbey Grove is spiralling into a health crisis. 46 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,400 Our pupils are baffling doctors 47 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,760 with illnesses usually associated with ageing long-haul truckers. 48 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,079 And someone thought it was funny to tweet Marcus Rashford about it. 49 00:02:23,079 --> 00:02:26,840 Now the Health Minister wants you lot to get into shape - fast. 50 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,800 Talk about an own goal. 51 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,480 I really must try stand-up. 52 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,840 So I've brought in a fitness expert to help judge this competition 53 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,320 and get us all in shape. 54 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,680 Will you please welcome to the stage 55 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,920 a man who has millions of people taking his online classes... 56 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,000 It's Mr Mo Dix! 57 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,320 GASPING AND CHEERING 58 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,200 When I say Mo, you say Dix. Mo! ALL: Dix! 59 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,079 Mo! Dix! Mo! Dix! Dix! 60 00:02:56,079 --> 00:02:58,200 Yeah! Well, man ain't saying that. 61 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,000 Come on, everyone loves Mo. He got my mum through lockdown. 62 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,080 Tell your mumsy to bell me, innit? 63 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,960 I'll give her Mo and Dix any time. Oh, shut up! 64 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,480 Now, some of you might be thinking, 65 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,880 "Huh, he looks more like an arms dealer." 66 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,480 Thanks to my weapons of mass destruction. 67 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,240 STEPHEN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 68 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,320 MO WHISTLES 69 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,680 Boom! 70 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,600 STEPHEN GUFFAWS 71 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,480 Let's get this school moving! 72 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,720 Oh! 73 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,360 Oh! 74 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,960 Sir, do you need some water? Cos you're moving mad thirsty. 75 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,920 When a man this fine is in my vicinity, consider me dehydrated. 76 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,240 I'm going to get him to end this drought. 77 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,760 Will my fellow judges please join me on the stage? 78 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,800 Mr Carmichael. 79 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,760 But you can call me Stephen. 80 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,920 WHISPERS: 81 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,920 Or your dirty little secret. 82 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,720 HOBURN CLEARS THROAT 83 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,720 I call them my Ally Ears. 84 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,560 They allow me to hear whenever my POC community need an ally. 85 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,880 I love it, but help me see the fitness angle. 86 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,960 Yes. Erm... 87 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,200 Duh. I run to the rescue. 88 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,720 Next! 89 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,200 WHEELS SQUEAK When you're young, you think, 90 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,000 "I'm going to live forever." 91 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,280 But trust me, one day, every single one of you 92 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,040 is going to be dead. 93 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,840 My solution - Cryo-Sleep. 94 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,640 Oh! 95 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,480 Sorry, it was full 96 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,520 of uneaten coronation quiche. 97 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,200 Simply enter the chamber for your nightly slumber... 98 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,920 Three hours later, when you wake up screaming... 99 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,560 ..and... Ow! 100 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,480 It doesn't open from the inside! THUDDING 101 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,640 Next! 102 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,200 The Bye Gurl 3,000. 103 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,680 SQUEAKING 104 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,400 This mechanical arm can shoo away my haters 105 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,800 and bad vibe conversations, 106 00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,920 so I stay blessed and not stressed. 107 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,320 Get me? 108 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,120 Being stressed is bad for your health. 109 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,480 Right, Stephen? 110 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,400 WHISPERS: Stephen. 111 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,880 Mm. 112 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,640 # My love must be a kind of blind love... # 113 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,920 You look amazing. 114 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,120 STEPHEN MOUTHS 115 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,520 # I can't see anyone but you... # 116 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,960 STEPHEN YELPS 117 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,240 Ah. Now I get you. 118 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,840 No notes. 119 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:33,600 I'm so impressed with all your health tech inventions. 120 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,360 And now I'm going to announce the winner! 121 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,120 It's going to be me. It's going to be me! 122 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,520 OK, and the winner is... 123 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,080 ..every single one of you for taking part! 124 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,960 Yes! I won! I can't believe I won! 125 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,560 And as a prize, you'll get my personal fitness watch - 126 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,800 the Dix Bit. 127 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,040 Be warned, they're addictive. 128 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,480 You get a Dix. 129 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,280 YOU get a Dix. 130 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,560 You get a Dix! Yeah, yeah. Mo, Mo! 131 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,200 The Dix Bit will count your steps, calories, heart rate and sleep, 132 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,040 bringing all of that biometric goodness into a score. 133 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,360 And the scores will be displayed on these leaderboards 134 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,680 so we can see who is the healthiest student at Abbey Grove. 135 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,720 Erm, Mo, how can everyone be a winner 136 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,520 if there's a leaderboard? 137 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,720 Well, it's just a bit of healthy competition. 138 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,120 Obviously! 139 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,920 With the Dix Bit, I can make you think like winners. 140 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,240 Oi-oi! 141 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,880 WHOOPING 142 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,840 STEPHEN SQUEALS 143 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,600 # I wake up in the morning and I ask myself 144 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,880 # What am I doing on this planet? 145 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,600 # Goddamn! Goddamn! # 146 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,680 Yo. Why you giving these Year Seven trolls freebies? 147 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,240 They deserve nothing, fam. 148 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,880 Them sweets have so many e-numbers, my girl won't stop running! 149 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,520 She's wearing my Dix Bit. 150 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,920 She's going to shoot me right up the leaderboard, 151 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,400 and leave you losers biting dust. 152 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,200 Get moving, Usma! Do more, be more. 153 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,480 Bruv! I ain't about to sweat off these fancy eyebrows for nobody. 154 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:06,400 Usma! Remember, the eyebrows are not what maketh the woman. 155 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,600 But it is what maketh a bad bitch. 156 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,520 DIX BIT: Warning, sugar levels critical. 157 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,240 This thing monitors my blood. 158 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,920 That makes me feel uncomfortable. 159 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,640 Of course you're uncomfortable, mate. 160 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,320 You ate a whole packet of After Eights. 161 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,920 Well, what's wrong with a postprandial mint fondant? 162 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,600 My grandad always said, "They're a God-tier sweet." 163 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,040 How's your grandad doing? 164 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,960 Oh, uh, not good. 165 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,880 He's actually up in the God tier. 166 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,320 Maybe the Dix Bit is right. 167 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,360 Oh! Good of you to join us, Mr Harper. 168 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,920 What's your excuse for this latest shambles? 169 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,800 I heard it was Danny Dyer's birthday. 170 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,960 You snake. Yes, but when I got home from that, 171 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,960 I invented this hat, look. Took me ages. 172 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,320 You put a couple of bottles of Lucozade on each side, 173 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,040 and it's for professional athletes. 174 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,680 Professional alcoholics, more like. 175 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,560 Those are cans of lager? 176 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,720 Yes, I get my best ideas when I'm pissed. 177 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,680 But, Miss, I'm really sorry. 178 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,720 Uh, FYI, but getting pissed isn't very fitness-friendly, so... 179 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,640 Mm. Bet you're a right giggle on a night out, ain't you? 180 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,120 Put 10p in the talking dumb-bell. 181 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,120 Stephen, you like my hat, don't you? 182 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,280 Stephen, is he YOUR friend? 183 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:11,960 Erm... 184 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,640 I hate to say it, but, erm, 185 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,520 I don't know who this man is. 186 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,280 I'm sorry to this man. 187 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,560 Harper, you've got to get a grip. 188 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,000 If you did your job properly, 189 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,840 the school wouldn't be in this mess. 190 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,480 You better shape up or ship out. 191 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,360 It's your last chance. 192 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,760 Thanks a lot, Judas. 193 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,080 THUDDING 194 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,080 Help! It's cold! 195 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,919 Oh, bloody hell, must be pissed. 196 00:08:36,919 --> 00:08:40,159 My algorithm scores all the kids on physical activity. Mm. 197 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:42,880 I mean, we do have a lot of young men here 198 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,720 with only one thing on their minds. 199 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,160 Oh, don't worry. Dix Bit is programmed 200 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,560 to ignore repetitive wrist movements in teenage boys. 201 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,880 Very, very wise. Yes, I mean, I don't want them thinking 202 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,640 they can masturbate their way to the top. Not in today's climate. 203 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,000 Sometimes... 204 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,760 ..it just takes the...right person 205 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,360 to inspire us. 206 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,840 Yeah, that is so true. 207 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,160 No. 208 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,600 Ah, yes, mine was actually Carol Vorderman, Countdown queen. 209 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,600 She has the bosoms of a goddess 210 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,880 and one of those swollen bottoms that everyone lusts after. 211 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,960 What was your exercise of choice? 212 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,120 Oh, Kegels. Kaygels. Kegels? 213 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,800 Yes, I now have the pelvic floor of a disgraced Russian gymnast! 214 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,720 And from one iron grip to another, 215 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,160 I would like to enrol Abbey Grove in your fitness programme. 216 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,920 The online lessons, the diet plans, I mean, the whole package. 217 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,120 Not the... Not...not the package! 218 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,640 Miss Hoburn... Ah! 219 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,800 I've set plenty of records in my time. 220 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,160 I bet you have. But getting this school into shape 221 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,640 is the biggest challenge yet. 222 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,240 Well, you can sell 223 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,000 as much of the children's data as you like to... 224 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,920 Perhaps you don't want to know. 225 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:55,080 Yes, then it's a win-win for everyone except for Harper. 226 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,920 And if the first two months go well, I can... 227 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,320 Yeah, I can just replace him with a couple of televisions. 228 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,520 Well, I will leave you with a parting gift. Oh, oh! 229 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,000 And, no, it's not one of my triple-decker vanilla cacao bars. 230 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,920 IN BABY VOICE: Me no sharey those! 231 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,520 IN BABY VOICE: Oh! No! 232 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,480 Thank you, Dick. Bit! 233 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,840 Enjoy. 234 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,040 ALARM BEEPS 235 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,040 No pulse detected. 236 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,680 No pulse detected. Signals critical. 237 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,240 Oh, my God! I'm clinically dead! 238 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,320 Oh! 239 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,920 Telephone! 240 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,680 What do I do if I'm dying? TELEPHONE: Let's see. 241 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,880 When you are dying, why not create a bucket list 242 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,200 to do everything you always dreamed of doing? 243 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,440 And to think I nearly called an ambulance. 244 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,560 Erm, all right, Telephone, 245 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,600 write this down. Bucket list. 246 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,040 Number one, 247 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,720 try stand-up comedy. 248 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,120 Number two, set a world record. 249 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,920 Number three, 250 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,680 sleep with Bear Grylls... 251 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,680 ..semicolon, 252 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,880 absolutely ruin him. 253 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,720 # Just the other day, I heard a ho say 254 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,640 # Matter of fact, what could a ho say? 255 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,880 # With a face like this and a bitch this paid 256 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,600 # Shit, what could a ho say? # 257 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,160 Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, nice catch there. 258 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,800 Thanks. You know me. 259 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,400 Always active. 260 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,560 Ahem. 261 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,360 But I think I've been overdoing it with the, erm... 262 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,600 ..the sport that this ball belongs to. 263 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,360 Well, I'm offski. 264 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,320 AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Daddy's got to feed the twins. 265 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,280 See you later. 266 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,120 Whoo! What about the Dix Bit? 267 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,000 It's the start of a revolution. 268 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,440 Between me and you, 269 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,080 I can't be seen working closely with someone like Mr Harper. 270 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,600 It's, ah, it's very bad for the brand. 271 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,240 So you're telling me that Mitchell is the only thing stopping me 272 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,600 and you sticking together like Vel and cro? 273 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,480 Huh. I guess. 274 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,480 Call me if he quits. 275 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,000 Wait, don't go! 276 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,040 Erm... 277 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,080 Ow! Sir! 278 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,000 ..because, have you seen the state of the canteen? 279 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,680 Honestly, it is terrible in there. 280 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,920 I'm sure I could give them some tips. 281 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,520 You know, hope we get to work together. 282 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,920 STEPHEN EXHALES 283 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,800 Oh, we will work together. 284 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,960 Time to say goodbye to Mr Harper. 285 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,800 Oh, here he comes! 286 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,080 # My favourite person! # 287 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,160 Not interested. I feel as rough as a badger's arse and, 288 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,400 thanks to you, I've now got Hoburn giving me grief. 289 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,200 You need to look after yourself! 290 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,080 Let me book you an Uber home. No. 291 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,160 I heard that juiced-up dickhead's still running round school 292 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,040 showing off his... What do you call 'em? Muscles. 293 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,120 Mo? Oh, pfft, don't worry about him. 294 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,200 He's making me look bad. I need to get rid of him. 295 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,520 What? You? Look bad? What? How? PHONE PINGS 296 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,920 Urgh! Mm! Ah, he's in Fraser's kitchen right now. 297 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,520 I am going to go in there, I'm going to get up in his moosh... 298 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,560 No, no, no... ..and I'm going to tell him to do one. 299 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,600 Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh, oh. 300 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,800 Fraser? 301 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,080 Keep him there. 302 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,360 Just got to have a shit. 303 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,400 Ugh. 304 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,360 He's like a human Babybel - 305 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,880 he just rolls! 306 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,240 All right, sir? DIX BIT: Let's go, baby. 307 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,400 Can't stop. Mo says I'm letting myself down. 308 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,160 Do more, be more. Train hard, live smart. 309 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,600 Sir! These Dix Bits are too much, man! 310 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,240 Warren's chopping up After Eights 311 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,000 like he's a character in Top Boy, fam! 312 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,440 Big man ting. 313 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,520 If I have a bump now, my blood sugar levels won't spike after lunch. 314 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,720 Hmm. 315 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,480 Sir, these things have turned Jinx into Gwyneth Goop Paltrow! 316 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:25,920 I'm on a juice-only diet. 317 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,680 And why are you crouched like that? It's the juice. 318 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,000 If I sit down, I fart. If I stand up, I fart. 319 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,920 This is the only position that I don't... 320 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,760 P-FF-FRT! 321 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,760 Better out than in, Jemima. 322 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,560 Dutty gyal! How does that not give you the ick? 323 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,120 I don't know! 324 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,280 But you lot need to get it together 325 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,360 if I'm going to stand a chance with Mo. Hmm? 326 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,720 And Mitchell needs to crawl back into the bargain bucket 327 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,640 that he came from, Blessing. 328 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,160 You need Mr Harper out the way for how long? A week? 329 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,280 Oh, please. I just need a couple of hours alone with Mo. 330 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,960 I need a pen, a doughnut 331 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,600 and your credit card. 332 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,040 # Baby cakes You just don't know, know 333 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,440 # How I-I, I want you so, so 334 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,120 # And I just want you to know That I think our love will grow 335 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,280 # We'll take it step by step Because I'm not something you own 336 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,000 # Baby cakes You just don't know, know... # 337 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,960 HE RETCHES 338 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,360 What is that? 339 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,520 "Mr Harper. 340 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,840 "Bernadette Hoburn here. 341 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,200 "I was well harsh this morning. 342 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,040 "So to apologise, you and a friend are invited to join 343 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,440 "some key leb... 344 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,720 "..ce-le..." 345 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,680 Celebrity. "..celebrity guests for a beer bike tour." 346 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,160 Sick! Nice one, sir. 347 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,520 Do you think I'm an idiot? 348 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,400 This is from Hoburn. 349 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,880 It's obviously some sort of test. 350 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,080 Or she's trying to show you how much she appreciates you. 351 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,440 Oi, Fraser. 352 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,480 Yes? Mr Harper's got a plus-one on a trip of a lifetime. 353 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,520 But no can do. 354 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,440 Mo has given me a pep talk and I'm now putting the lad 355 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,960 into salad. 356 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,000 But it's a celebrity beer bike. 357 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,960 Celebs?! Oh, shit. 358 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,280 No, no, no! No, Fraser. 359 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,080 These kids aren't bloody rabbits. 360 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,920 Look, Jesus! Right, come on, right. Just wait a minute! Please, no! 361 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,760 I've got a headache! 362 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,680 Fraser, I'm telling you! This is a trap! 363 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,880 I'm already on my last chance with Hoburn as it is. 364 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,600 Beer bike for Mitchell Harper? 365 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,360 Is that...? 366 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,960 It is. 367 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,200 It's Golden Balls. 368 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,400 Jasper Carrott? 369 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:25,680 David Beckham! 370 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,880 At your service, gaffer. 371 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,560 Climb aboard the Becks mobile. 372 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,880 This is a dream come true! I can't believe it! 373 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,440 Hoburn knows me better than I know myself. 374 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,760 Oh, Becks, you having a laugh? 375 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,320 You brought the missus along? 376 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,200 Cor, you under the thumb much or what? 377 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,520 Who's that courtly old gentleman? 378 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,680 I am Colonel Sanders, KFC empire? 379 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,280 I ain't being funny, mate, but ain't he white? 380 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,360 You think a white man created a chicken seasoning recipe 381 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,600 with 11 secret herbs and spices? 382 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,000 Great point. Lager? 383 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,040 This is the best day of my life. 384 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,960 What about the birth of your son? 385 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,600 This is the best day of my life. 386 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,160 All aboard. We got to pick up a few more VIPs. 387 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,840 Got to ask - 388 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,240 leg or breast? 389 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,120 I am vegetarian. 390 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,240 Naughty little Colonel. 391 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,520 Never have I ever shagged a Spice Girl. 392 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,680 Drink. 393 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,680 # Well, if it's unhealthy then I don't give a damn 394 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,920 # Cause even if it kills me... # 395 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,520 Yo, yo! 396 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,600 Stephen told me that Mr Harper has gone AWOL. 397 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,280 But, luckily, Captain Jack Sparrow here 398 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,280 is pumped to cover for him. 399 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,840 All right, let's start with a selfie. 400 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,680 Oh. Oh, hi, Stephen. 401 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,120 Oh... 402 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,920 Stephen? I CAN see you. 403 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,400 STEPHEN SQUEALS 404 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,280 Nice. Unlucky. Let's go! 405 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,320 You need stronger wrists, and there's an easy way to get 'em. 406 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,960 STEPHEN CHUCKLES 407 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,360 CHEERING 408 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,440 Wow! Go get another ball, get another ball. 409 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,200 Let's go. Never too much running. 410 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,520 HOBURN, OVER PA SYSTEM: Hello. 411 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,720 Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? 412 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,200 He can't control his pupils. 413 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,359 But he is a valued member of the team, 414 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,680 so bravo, bravo to Mr Bingham. 415 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:27,079 I'd like to invite the school to the assembly hall in ten 416 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,640 for my tight...ten. 417 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,600 Basil? Paprika? Fenugreek? 418 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,160 Please stop. It's been three hours. 419 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,440 Asafoetida? 420 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,000 If you don't stop, I will throw myself off this bike headfirst. 421 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,080 Dill? 422 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,960 Horseradish. Stay out of it, Wallace! 423 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,600 It's got nothing to do with you. 424 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:46,920 What is SHE doing here? 425 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,880 Right, the European Championships 2004. 426 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,960 Explain that penalty kick. Nah. 427 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,440 I fucked it, mate. 428 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,960 Well, that's an understatement. 429 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,560 Wait a minute, I've seen that woman glaring at us before. 430 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,040 We're going round in circles. We're in a cul-de-sac. 431 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,280 Oh, dear. 432 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,040 Becks has cocked up the directions. 433 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,320 If it IS horseradish, blink twice. 434 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,080 Told you. Wallace, make like you're inside one of your factories 435 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,520 and can it! 436 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:11,960 CHEERING 437 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,240 You can identify as anything these days. 438 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,640 Ooh, hang on, a few...a few nerves in the room! 439 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,280 Erm, I identify as... 440 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,040 ..a workaholic. 441 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,160 Ha! Do you get it? Because, I mean, who doesn't love work? 442 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,560 Am I right? 443 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,880 You know, the other day, my out-of-office said 444 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,840 that I was on holiday until 2124. 445 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,560 And I know what you're thinking. 446 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,840 "A 100-year holiday? That would be horrific!" 447 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,520 Your jokes are dead! 448 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,880 Well, to whoever shouted that out, erm, comedy is subjective. 449 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,680 DIX BIT: Yeah, you're dying, Bernadette. 450 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,360 Yeah, you're dying, mate! Oh, my God. 451 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,120 Right, all right, forget this. THEY LAUGH 452 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,480 I've been Miss Hoburn. 453 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,200 I'll see you all in detention. 454 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,640 Hope that's funny enough for you. 455 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,080 Goodnight. 456 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,520 What? But... 457 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,440 Boo! 458 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,840 Bucket list. Stand-up. 459 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,400 World record... 460 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,640 Number six, 461 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,640 wreak my hideous revenge. 462 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,600 Stick to the day job! Stick to the day job! 463 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,680 Get off! 464 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,200 Where's Mr Harper? 465 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,520 As far as I'm concerned, Harper is responsible for all of this! 466 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,440 Boo! Get off the stage, you tosser! 467 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,520 Ah, piss off! 468 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,480 Colonel, you know, the Beckhams have got one of our own in the family. 469 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,800 Wee Brooklyn. 470 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,000 Saw him making toast on Instagram this morning. 471 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,320 The kid's a natural. 472 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,240 Right, we're going round in circles, Becks. 473 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,360 What is going on? Don't lie to me. 474 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,840 I am your gaffer. I'll go full Sir Alex! 475 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,200 Oh, not the hair - hic! - hairdryer treatment. 476 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,560 Our client is Stephanie Fierce. 477 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,280 AKA Stephen Carmichael. 478 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,720 He said to keep you away from the school for as long as possible. 479 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,240 So Hoburn DIDN'T book this trip? Stephen did? 480 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:59,360 Oh, my God, Bernie's going to be pissed. No-one's teaching PE. 481 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,600 Well, they've got Mo Dix - he could cover for you. 482 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,960 Well, I'm not going to get fired 483 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,200 just so Stephen can have a roll around with that prat. 484 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,520 I am turning this bike around. 485 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,080 DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC 486 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,440 TYRES SQUEAL 487 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,480 Oh... 488 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,120 SPLASH! 489 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,600 Splash down! Well done. 490 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,760 That was a really healthy, big, glossy one. 491 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,040 Uh! Uh! What? 492 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,040 Like an otter down a river bank. Keep eating your fibre, bud. 493 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,720 Half-price Hercules is spying on us in the toilets! 494 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,840 He's got to go - now! 495 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,240 Mm. That's not going to be on my mood board 496 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,120 because he's not giving me the ick yet, 497 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,840 and I don't think he ever will. 498 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,040 Harper? 499 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,560 Harper! 500 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,360 Carmichael. 501 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,360 STEPHEN GROANS 502 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,080 Mm? Did you or did you not hear me 503 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,320 give Mr Harper his final warning loud and clear? 504 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,560 Erm... 505 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,080 Yeah, I did. 506 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,920 And now he bunks off! 507 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,240 I've wasted the best years of my life on idiots like him. 508 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,360 Well, I'm going to make him pay for it. 509 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,200 Yo. 510 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,960 I thought getting Sir on a beer bike was a victimless crime. 511 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,720 You didn't tell us he was in trouble. 512 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,400 Oh, poor Mr Harper. He gets such a bad rep. 513 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,840 He taught us lifting. 514 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,120 Shoplifting. 515 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,360 But we don't want him to lose his job. You're so selfish. 516 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,160 Because of you, we're stuck with Mo Dix forever. 517 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,320 I'm sorry. 518 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,240 OK, maybe I've been a little one-track-minded of recent. 519 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,320 But let's find Mr Harper. 520 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,200 I have him on Find My Mobile. 521 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,840 Don't ask why. 522 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,480 There we go. Found him. 523 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,880 Where? 524 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,440 Doesn't seem to be moving, though. 525 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,480 He's probably just sat at the bar. 526 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,840 But he's nowhere near a pub. 527 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,160 Oh, no. 528 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,040 Right. Inchez, Warren, go find Mr Harper. 529 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,400 You guys, we need to distract Miss Hoburn till they get back. 530 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,960 How are we going to do that? 531 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,720 I found her bucket list. 532 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,600 But we're going to need our inventions. 533 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,320 I hear you. 534 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,480 Oh, I LOVE this! # Teamwork makes the dream work! # 535 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,680 I'll stay here and look out for Mo. 536 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,360 But how is that going to help? 537 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,520 Don't question me. 538 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,680 Go! 539 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,440 # Don't you know I'm walkin' away? 540 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,480 # Now, I'm in my own space... # Agh! Ah! 541 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,560 # Babe, you know I ain't waitin' for you 542 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,760 # And if you don't want me to stay... # 543 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,680 David! 544 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,280 David! 545 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,080 Don't you run away! 546 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,440 You ain't better than me! How could he do this to me? 547 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,640 I had his name on the back of ALL of my hooky England shirts. 548 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,400 My arm's trapped under the bike. 549 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,640 All right, Fraser, Fraser, try not to move it, 550 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,040 you'll only damage it further. 551 00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,520 Or you can cut it off. 552 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,800 Oh, quite a good idea, actually, Colonel. 553 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,960 Like in the film 127 Hours. 554 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,200 It's not even been 127 seconds. 555 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,120 Or I can cut it off for you. 556 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,000 You're not even trapped! Just go and get help. 557 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,240 FLATLY: Help. 558 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,440 Help. 559 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,720 No-one is coming. 560 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,480 Don't just stand there, Colonel, please. 561 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,400 This is finger-licking good. 562 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,120 Boneless bants-quet. 563 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,480 Kill me now. 564 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,840 Harper! 565 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,040 Oh, you guys, I can hear her coming. Quick. 566 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,240 Harper! 567 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,080 Miss! I hope you don't mind, 568 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,040 but I accidentally read your bucket list. 569 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,000 Stand-up? Smashed it. 570 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,920 Hilarious. 571 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,760 Oh, well, I appreciate that. 572 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,520 But, you see, it's a bit of a bore. 573 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,200 In your lingo, 574 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,680 I'm a "dead ting". 575 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:59,760 No, you're not! Wax that top lip and I'm sure there's a man out there 576 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,360 who'd want to smash. No, I mean literally, dead! 577 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,880 Whoa. And now there's only one thing I can hope to be remembered for - 578 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,840 shipping off that foreign exchange student 579 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,880 on the first flight to Rwanda. 580 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,200 Well, if you actually are dying, 581 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,680 then maybe we can help to tick something off your list. 582 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,640 You've piqued my interest. 583 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,040 Let's set a world record. 584 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,560 I mean, all the cool ones are taken, but I'm sure we can do a dumb one. 585 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,880 No, I'm less piqued. 586 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,760 Well, I guess you don't want this certificate, then. 587 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,720 Eh? For eating your own body weight in coronation quiche. 588 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,160 Where did you get all this from? 589 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,280 Mr Fraser emptied the freezer for his science invention. 590 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:39,640 Right. 591 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,600 I'm going to need a bib, a bucket 592 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,840 and a busload of betablockers! 593 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,320 PILLS RATTLE 594 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,800 For king and quiche! 595 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,400 For king and quiche! 596 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,880 There he is! Oh, my God! Oh! 597 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,880 Yes! Yes! 598 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,760 Yes, you legends! Right! Help us out of here. 599 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,320 Let's go. Phew! Mr Carmichael ain't going to be happy, sir. 600 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,200 I think he was hoping to get his deposit back. 601 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,200 He was going to use it to pay for a blue tick. 602 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,520 I mean, people need to know he's better than them. 603 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,880 Yeah, well, I don't care. He stitched me right up. 604 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,440 Look, enough Chatty Patty, man. 605 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,160 How are we going to lift this ting? With the kitten heels. 606 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,280 Now, Mr Carmichael never told me his real weight, 607 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:20,840 so I set the upper limit to high. 608 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,960 You know, in case he has dense bones. Also, in today's society... 609 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,320 Warren, get on with it. 610 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:26,680 OK, sure. 611 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,360 Ahh! Oh! 612 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:36,640 In the words of Mr Carmichael, those kitties just purred. 613 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,920 Huh. Huh! Help me up, Colonel. 614 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,720 I will never wash this. 615 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,000 Colonel! 616 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,640 Colonel! 617 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,000 Colonel! Well done, Warren. 618 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,640 Go on, Miss! Go on, Miss! 619 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,520 Miss! Miss! Miss! 620 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,360 Miss, Miss Hoburn, Miss Hoburn. I am so, so sorry about today. 621 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,640 Look, but the thing is, I really love this job 622 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,320 and I will do better, I promise. 623 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,080 No time. No time! Piss off! 624 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,600 Sweet! Eat! Eat! Eat! 625 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,200 Go on, Miss, keep going! Eat! Eat! Eat! 626 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,560 And we shall! 627 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,240 The Colonel finally wrote down the secret ingredient for me 628 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,160 on this piece of paper. 629 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,160 DOOR OPENS 630 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,360 WIND WHOOSHES 631 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,360 Huh? Oh. 632 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,960 Get the... No, no! My secret! 633 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,280 Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! What's going on in here? 634 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,640 Miss is sweating for you, sir. 635 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,600 Thought you would be proud to see that. 636 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,120 She's got the quiche sweats. 637 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,560 Are you trying to kill my brand? 638 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,080 ALARM BEEPS 639 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,080 Oh... 640 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,080 Ah! Sorry, Miss. 641 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,640 You were three slices out. 642 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,520 No! Stretch Armstrong threw me off my game 643 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,040 with all his blather! 644 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,080 Blather? I'm trying to turn this school into a winner! 645 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,840 And how is that working out for you? 646 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,520 Look who's top of the leaderboard. 647 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,440 The man who thinks greens are a class-B drug. 648 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,760 It must be a malfunction. 649 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,880 Cheeky prick. I've been pedalling all day. 650 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,440 HE VOMITS 651 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,560 Uh! Uh! Sir! 652 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,720 I've also been drinking solidly for the past 24 hours. 653 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,640 Right, the deal is off, Dix. 654 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,280 Your app is more useless than Mr Harper, 655 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,480 and that is REALLY saying something. 656 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,880 Whatever. 657 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,960 I can fix the Dix Bit, but one thing I cannot fix is this giant, 658 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,160 floating fatberg of a school! 659 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,680 Boo! Bye! 660 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,840 Look, Miss, everyone's cheering for you. 661 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,080 This could be part of your legacy. 662 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,240 DIX BIT: No pulse detected. Signals critical. 663 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,160 I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. 664 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:35,120 I saw Philip Green soil himself at a retail luncheon. 665 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,880 All those moments lost. 666 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,000 You were wearing it too loose, Miss. 667 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,360 It couldn't feel your pulse. 668 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:42,840 OK! Nice! 669 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,240 Let's go, baby! 670 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,000 Oh! 671 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,880 This is the best day of my LIFE! 672 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,400 Yes! Yes! You the man! 673 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,800 Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! 674 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,040 I'm sorry I threw you under the beer bike. 675 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,560 I was thinking with my heart and not my head. 676 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,960 Look, it's fine. I get it. 677 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,960 I forgive you. Thank you. 678 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,160 Worst part is I didn't even get his number. 679 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,520 Well, go, then. Go on, go after him. 680 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,120 Oh, my God. 681 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,960 Wait! Mo! Slow down. 682 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,600 Slow down. 683 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,960 Oh. Only bitches with no arse walk fast, and that ain't me. 684 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,120 You know, it's a shame it didn't work out, Stephen. 685 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:26,840 I did really like you. 686 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,960 Well, show me, then. 687 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:41,120 Ugh! 688 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,600 God. 689 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,280 I worked out what gives me the ick. 690 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,400 What? What? 691 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,160 It's boat shoes! 692 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,480 DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC 693 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,680 Don't touch me! Why?!