COUGHS
I before E.
COUGHS
Except after C.
Sorry, I've got an awful cough!
FORCED LAUGH
Shh!
What on earth?!
The library is open!
Class K, this is unacceptable.
The only thing I can't accept is that dandruff.
You've got a whole generation of snowflakes on them shoulders.
How dare you!
How dare you, with that lemon and herb energy!
Now, look...
What perfume you wearing? Eau De unseasoned chicken?!
At least you're doing your bit for the environment,
because those bags under your eyes are for life.
Madam, might I suggest, "jack-at po-tah-toh" to go with that...
GAGS
..tuna and mayo breath!
Don't think it's her breath, fam.
You know what they say, plenty more fish in the V.
And that's that. On period. ALL: Period!
Are you out of your tiny minds?!
It ain't personal, it's a reading exam,
and you just got read like on Drag Race.
Sir's been prepping us all term.
No, literacy as in reading and writing.
Books, analysis, critical thinking.
Excuse me!
Sir! OK, Miss Gorrel.
Now look what you've done! Oh, wait, I'm so sorry!
No, but, sorry, that was unreal, I'm so proud of you all!
Oh, shit, sir, if I fail another exam, my mum is going to kill you.
Oh, don't worry, just tell her education isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.
I said, she'll kill YOU!
Who else do you think our parents are going to blame?
NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE
What I will say is...
NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE
Whatever!
NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE
Enough!
Oh, my God!
Miss Hoburn, wait!
# Yeah, proper tings
# Original style
# We come to kick the drum
# The wicked money spoil, yeah. #
Last week, Usma's mum told me, if her grades slip again,
she's going to soak my cleansing cloth in chloroform.
Jesus, she actually said that?
Word for word...
..with her eyes!
Whoa! I mean, all the parents are so savage, I dress straight for them.
Hm? Last parents' evening...
Go on.
SNIFFS
I wore...
..Burton.
You're joking. I'm sorry, mate.
Mr Carmichael, despite my best efforts,
it looks like I'm stuck at this godforsaken school for the long haul
and now, thanks to you, we could go into special measures.
Oh, well... SINGSONG: You're wel-come!
No, special is... SINGSONG: ..ba-a-a-ad!
We'll be under constant supervision, crucified for every tiny mistake
by these, well, apparatchiks.
Mr Harper, what are you doing here? Eh?
Oh, I just assumed I'd be in trouble an' all.
You're not "in trouble an' all".
It's Mr Carmichael's head on the chopping board today. Go on, shoo! Sweet.
Now, thanks to you, your form are in danger of failing basic literacy.
So, at 4pm today, Class K will sit another literacy exam.
Members of the exam board will stay here today to
observe their preparations.
If any member of staff tries to help Class K,
it will count as cheating, an automatic fail. T-ch! T-ch!
I get it, no cheating, no cheating! Are you still going to WhatsApp the questions as usual?
No!
SHE LAUGHS
No, absolutely not, absolutely...
I don't know what you're talking about, no.
The exam will take the form of a spoken presentation, as they are harder to cheat in.
Hm. This decision was taken after some rather silly concerns were
raised about my own behaviour in this morning's exam. I mean,
literally ask anyone, ask anyone, I always... I always carry
a pocket English dictionary in my pocket. The clue's in the title!
And would the examiners like to tell us what book the children are going to be reading?
LOUD THUMP
Oh, yes, good choice, the plays of great British writer
George Bernard Shaw.
Oh, I'm pretty sure he was Irish.
Don't... The board would like you to read George Bernard Shaw's play,
Pygmalion, and then they would like you to present a critical
analysis of said play.
Oh, dear, yes, that is... I think that's the only copy in the library.
Most of our books are in much better nick, but I've always got
a thumb in Bernard Shaw. Well, two thumbs, essentially.
I mean, I probably, if I could, get a whole fist in the guy!
Sorry, Miss? Yes?
Is there any chance we can read a different play?
Enough, we are going to do this presentation by the book,
or you will all suffer the consequences.
Give me your phones.
No Google, no TikTok,
no Wikipedia, no ChatGPT.
Come on, man.
Of course. Guys, get it together!
GULPS
Hey! Oh!
STUTTERS
I'm so stressed.
Whoa, I think I'm having a stroke. I can smell dog shit!
That's not a symptom of a stroke.
Oh, um, Blessing, actually, I think that was you, I saw you tread in it earlier.
SCREAMS
What? Jinx, why didn't you tell me?
I didn't want to be a white saviour.
As a reluctantly cishet girl who goes on two holidays every year,
except for a fortnight in Cornwall, I am very aware of my blind spots.
Maybe you wanted to tread in it.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, guys... Guys, she Jinxed it.
I Jinxed it? What's that?
Ah, it's just banter, innit?
It's what you say when someone's too white to function.
As in, me, my, my name... Who... Who says that?
Oh, just... Just us and the rest of the school.
Pavel...and Edna. My cousin, my mum.
My parrot said it one time. My hairdresser, ooh, my nail tech.
Everyone. He did, I remember him saying that.
Yo, wait, Jinx.
WHISTLE
OK, hippos, who's hungry for more balls?
As I said to the missus last... Not appropriate.
Right, you know what you're doing, I'll be in me office.
Jinx? Oh. Er...
SNIFFS
Hey, what's the matter?
You see someone drinking out a plastic cup again?
No, nothing. I'm sorry.
How thick do you think I am?
Come on, you can tell me.
Oh, sir, I don't think you're thick.
I think you're the product of a broken system.
No, I meant, you can tell me why you're crying.
Well, go on, I'm a good listener.
RECORD SCRATCH
..and my therapist says I overthink things, but what child of six isn't
traumatised by the bloodthirsty consumerism of duck-duck-goose?
And then, when I was 11... Jinx, Jinx! Jesus!
You worry too much. Why do you care what people think?
I can't help it.
My first word was "sorry", and yesterday,
I apologised to my own reflection.
Right, well... Well, I can help with that.
We've got to toughen you up. Come on girl, we've got work to do.
SCREAMS
Remember, two legs good, four legs bad, yeah?
If your feet are on the ground, you're listening, you're involved.
Are you listening? Yes.
HORN
No! Never listen!
Further, further... Further.
SCREAMS
Right.
There's one seat left on the train.
Excuse me, elderly lady... Not that you look elderly,
I'm sure you have a lovely
skin care routine.
HORN
Pardon me, I see that you are with child, if you'd like to take a seat. HORN
You're on the Stanstead Express for a 6am flight to Cork, what you drinking?
Er... Flat white? Nope.
HORN
Sorry, oat flat white.
HORN
Vodka? Nope. What's wrong with vodka?
It's slimming. Oh!
HORN
COCKNEY-ESQUE ACCENT: Pint of Guinness and a white wine spritzer for the lady. Better.
At the minute, yeah, you're here, isosceles.
We need more equilateral, yeah?
So I'm talking elbows out, knees out, neck forward, yeah?
GRUNTS
All right, you win!
Oh, wait a minute, what's this?
The clouds have opened, the sun's come out,
it's about to hit nine degrees Celsius, you got ten seconds
to take your top off and start blaring Pitbull out your phone!
Take my top off? No, don't do that, actually.
Now, this phone cost me 200 quid.
It's where I keep the only photos I have of my late grandmother
and my beautiful baby boy.
Guess what, I ain't backed it up.
Now, what you going to do?
Three, two, one.
Wanker!
Are you Tottenham in disguise? Brap-brap, oi!
By St George, I think she's got it.
Yo, Detective Pikachu, go faster, man.
There are thousands of pages. The man wrote a lot of plays, OK?
Psst! How's it going?
Sir, why are you dressed like a nurse?
Because Hoburn and that exam woman are trying stop me from
helping you and this is an emergency and I'm always on theme.
So don't be coming at me with that Kourtney and Kim season 18, episode one energy, OK?
What? Well, we ain't even started Pygmalion yet.
Sir, why don't you teach us anything useful?
That concealer application is looking pretty useful to me,
sis, but I am sorry, OK?
Your parents are going to kill me. Bruv, I ain't scared of my dad.
If man steps to me, he's getting whacked.
If he steps towards you, it will be diagonally, cos he's a bishop.
Huh? It's a chess joke. No? OK.
Don't worry, I got it. No, you didn't, but, thank you.
Sir, it's calm, we have Jinx, remember?
She probably knows the play.
Ah, of course, and where is that little piece of tofu?
Yo, yo, yo.
Ah, she'll know what a Pygmalion is. That's Tony's juice!
OK, Jemima, it's giving.
Giving nothing?
Like your silhouette in that outfit.
OK!
Um... Obsessed.
But we kinda need to focus on the presentation, so, wind your neck in.
Mm... Yeah, the presentation.
I guess you're right about me, cos I really couldn't give
a shit about it, or any of you lot for that matter.
Wig.
But the play is probably written by some dead, old white guy.
Mm, you going to eat those?
Goddamn! Blessing's right.
I bet there's loads about misogyny and objectifying women in there.
Jinx, you hate that shit. Nah, drop me out, you melt.
Why are you talking like Mr Harper?
BELL RINGS
Look, I'm telling you lot, there's a code in the title, right?
Yo, I've rearranged the letters.
Pyg-mal-ion.
Like a pig Iron Man, olden-day superhero shit.
OK!
There's loads of superhero stuff in the costume cupboard.
Nah, Pygmalion's that dirty STI Warren's nan got on that swingers cruise.
Stop saying that, it wasn't for swingers, it was for lonely hearts.
Yeah? Why do you think they called the jacuzzi egg drop soup? Urgh!
Juvenile.
Hey, Jinx. Hey, babe. Hey, bestie.
Come on, Jinx, I know you love these dry old books.
Before I met you, I thought period drama was wearing white jeans on a heavy day.
Oh! Yes! It's the last page, there's something about a sculpture and a character called Eliza Doolittle.
Is she pretty? Show me her.
Oh... Forgot it wasn't a phone.
OK, so if we all work together, we can each take one act of the play and read it for the presentation.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo! What is this?
I found it stashed in the dressing-up cupboard.
Hey, it's got shit about all of yous in it.
Oh, my God! It's a burn book, it's going to be full of gossip, give me!
Hey, nah, nah, nah, nah. Hey, listen to this. "Harrison is so dumb, people do reps with him."
Oh! All right, OK...
Ooh, found one on you!
"Warren's got as much personality as that bit of water that
"builds on out-of-date yoghurts."
Well, well... Oh, oh!
"Inchez's bars are so soft, people hear them
"and say I can't believe it's not butter!"
Hey, give me that, give me that.
"Usma is so dumb..." Oh, no! "..she'd try using Bic Biro on her eyebrow."
Give me that book!
Ooh...
Oh... "Blessing's breath stinks so bad,
"when she yawns, her teeth duck."
What's up!
LAUGHTER
Yeah?
Well, see how you lot get on without my help.
What? Yo...
No, no, no, no, no!
You have to help.
It's fragile, please! Give it to me!
Get off!
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
Jinx, you've got gravy on the book.
Pfft. Ah, shut up!
LAUGHTER
Look, how come there's nothing about you in there?
Wait. Because she wrote it.
Jinx wrote down all the shit she's too scared to say
to my immaculate face!
Fine.
Maybe I did write it.
Since I'm such a two-faced bitch.
Jesus.
And you owe me a bargain bucket!
Well, that's just brilliant.
The book's ruined.
Bravo! I can't believe I let you all drag me down to your level.
I ain't gonna be where I'm not appreciated.
I'm Harry-Styling this out and going solo.
Shapeesh!
You're dickheads anyway, man.
Don't touch it - just leave it, OK?
Oh, here you go, mate. Here you go. Wahey! Wanker!
Oi! What have you done to Jinx?
On the one day I needed her to be her beggy little self,
you've turned her into a little tramp.
Without her, Class K are screwed.
Yeah. Yeah, I taught that girl to fart in public.
And you know something?
I've never felt more alive in my life.
Well, I'm glad you feel alive, because if they fail
this presentation, their parents are going to kill me!
Give me your phone. The examiner took mine.
Oh. Sorry, mate. She's a write-off.
God! And none of the other teachers will give me their phones
because they're all snakes.
We're running out of time.
We need to google this play.
We need a phone.
Then we're gonna have to go looking in the shadows, for the sickos
and the freaks, where no sane person would ever go.
The library.
Worse.
Much, much worse.
SHE PLAYS RIFF
All right, shaggers?
Life's crap, innit?
Tell you what, anyone fancy a scream into the abyss?
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, oh, what's that tune you're playing?
It's, like, so depressing.
How about we prank call each other's moms
and pretend we've been in a car accident?
Oh, gnarly!
Oi, give us your phone, please. Five minutes.
Harper, Carmichael.
I do not want to see you trying to help Class K.
You see, I have a zero-tolerance policy on cheating.
Now, off you go.
In separate directions.
THEY SIGH
See you later, dude.
Sis, let me use your phone for two minutes
and I'll do your eyebrows.
Why are you laughing?
The burn book.
LAUGHTER ECHOES
Why are you giving these out to everyone?!
I kicked off me Jesus creepers and threw on some mug boots.
What? It's just a bit of banter. No big deal.
Here you are, boys.
I should've done this a long time ago.
Consider yourself unfollowed!
Buh-bye.
Please, can I just borrow someone's phone very qui...?
Can you just stop laughing!
I need a phone right now.
I need to google Pygmalion.
It's not that bad - it has personality!
You know what? I'm gonna be getting you lot back for this.
You guys are mean!
Butter? Flour me, man.
That burn book knows nothing about my music.
Let me use your phone.
Soz, the police are still holding it in evidence.
That detective has a real head girl energy.
Yo, what is this?
Miss Hoburn wanted me to organise a literary tea in honour
of the examiner.
A slice of March Hare.
You think it's rabbit but it's actually pork,
because nothing is what it seems.
In fact, technically it's not even pork.
Mistaken - fake bacon.
Piggy pop!
Sluiced from the floor of the abattoir.
Wait. If you make me a sculpture of a pig for this presentation,
I'll let you direct my next music video.
Oh, I knew you'd see sense!
Just think what you can build with this stuff.
I just need a pig, Fraser.
Just leave it in the playground before the presentation, yeah?
Oh, and those examiners cannot see you help me. You feel me?
Now?
Why you gotta make everything weird, fam?
HE TUTS
DANCE MUSIC
Jinx! This has gone too far.
That presentation starts in an hour and if Class K fail,
everyone suffers.
Oi, Skids, chuck us a coke.
Skids?
His name's Mark.
That is quality, to be fair.
HORN BLARES
Do you know what, Jinx?
When I first met you I thought, "What a melt."
I don't know if it was your hair, or the little clips that you
put in your hair or them little buns that you do on your head or...
Why is it all hair related? Look, what I'm saying is,
I'm glad you're happier like this.
But I told you to stop worrying - never told you to stop caring.
You never hang your mates out to dry, Jinx.
HOOTER
Jesus!
I spend my bank holiday itemising problematic tropes
and rap genius, and they call me Greta-no-mates.
I re-use my pasta water to wash my hair and they say I stink.
If they spent a little less time being dicks,
they'd realise that Pygmalion is just the film Pretty Woman.
Warren's seen it 14 times with his nan.
Now, if you don't mind,
Skids and I are gonna smash a packet of Tangfastic to the spit pit.
Big mistake, Jinx.
Huge.
Oof. She's called Judith.
Named her after Mother.
Same disappointed look in her eyes.
Cute. Listen, in my defence,
I'm feeling very emotional because, well, I love my kids
and that scrubby little English teacher kept refusing to tell me
what happens in Pygmalion.
So, one thing led to another...
MUSIC: Mathilde by Scott Walker
# Mama, can you hear me yell... # MUFFLED SHOUTS
# Your baby boy's gone back to hell... #
Witnesses? I don't think so. Beginner's luck.
So what am I gonna do about this English teacher?
Hmm. Slippery little suckers.
You could always pay me now and break the ice.
Fraser, why are you quoting Pretty Woman?
Because Pretty Woman is Pygmalion.
Guy meets girl, turns her into something she's not.
Girl learns to love who she was before.
It's basically my relationship template.
Yes, Fraser! Thank God you're so bad with women,
but how am I gonna tell the kids with Hoburn watching me?
Leave the English teacher to me. You just do what you do best.
Karaoke?
MUSIC: Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison
Oof!
OK, I'm dead.
# Pretty woman, walkin' down the street
# Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet... #
Sorry, what?
Well, Jinx let slip that it was Pretty Woman,
so I'm trying to give the class a heads up.
Mm. PRETTY Woman, but snaps.
Piss off. Argh! Come on.
You're so selfish, man.
Just show me what you're writing about...
KIDS SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER
Say, "Pretty Woman."
Pretty...
Pretty Woman, pretty Woman!
Pretty Woman!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
That's her!
Erm, they didn't look like they were working.
Oh, shit, what time is it?
I haven't got my phone - I'm screwed!
Right, that presentation starts soon,
so we need to find a way into that classroom without anyone seeing us.
You're not claustrophobic, are you?
# Oh, pretty woman... # I can't get in.
I feel like I'm thumbing in a softy.
You need to get in the foetal position like when
you're hiding in the boot of a woman's car.
No good. Stephen, you're up.
Huh? Ah, absolutely not.
Any minute now them kids are gonna be sat in that assembly hall
waiting for that exam to start.
Fine!
It's 2010. It's 2010. You're Gaga, you're Gaga,
you're Gaga, you're Gaga!
Do you want me to grease you up or are you gonna go in dry?
Shut up, Fraser.
I'm gonna go in bareback.
SQUELCHING
Let's go.
Argh...
Mitchell, watch where you're going!
God, it stinks in here!
HIP-HOP PLAYS ON HEADPHONES
Fraser... Woohoo!
Inchez!
Pygmalion is Pretty Woman!
Oh, my God!
STEPHEN SCREAMS
Inchez!
Mr Harper! Where are you going in those clothes?
Well, I could ask you the same thing.
What, you going shoplifting in that coat?
Oh, give it a rest! Oh!
I found the English teacher in a cupboard,
babbling about Pretty Woman.
Perhaps I should've taken his hood off before he passed out.
But you're cheating?
Well, obviously.
It's our only hope!
This is the first time I've been able to shake off those
exam board ghouls.
All right, so what's your plan?
I plan to flash the children during the exam.
Right, don't stress. Stephen is in there right now telling the kids.
But the presentation has started.
Can't you tell the time?
Bernie, I'll level with ya.
I have absolutely no idea how this thing works.
CLOCK TICKS
Hurry up, you fool!
Oh, I'm so sorry we're late.
TIMERS BEEP
Once upon a time,
in a farm, far, far away in Ireland,
there lived Dr Doolittle.
Oh, God, we're dead.
Shut up, yoghurt boy. You shut up!
In a world...
..where metal meets flesh... Inchez, stop, listen!
..and all is chaos,
where swine rule...
Pop!
Booyaka!
What are you doing?
Chill, Miss.
It's a 4-D experience, innit?
One pig refused to go home.
His name...
..Pig Iron Man.
Oi, dickhead,
move to the left.
It's got nothing to do with pigs.
Ahem.
Sirs, madams,
Eliza Doolittle is a hot girl
who had to deal with everybody's jealousy, even in the olden days.
Is olden days a literary term?
Go find a personality!
Go get a brain cell!
I'm gonna get him!
Go for the eyes.
SHOUTING
I can't die in a pig, I can't die in a pig.
Not in this look, not in this wig!
No, no, not the nails - argh!
SHOUTING
And scene!
SHOUTING STOPS
Erm...
USMA SIGHS
Judas!
Ladies and gentlemen of the exam board,
we present to you Class K's presentation on Pygmalion.
Because, after all, aren't we all Pygmalion?
Ahem... Today, Mr Harper transformed me from an anxious bibliophile
and vegan into a yob,
the kind of person who hangs their mates out to dry.
Usma represents the person Eliza Doolittle was
forced to become - elegant but submissive.
And peng.
Harrison embodies the blank pages in our lives that we are yet
to have written.
MUFFLED: Argh, argh, argh!
Oh, shoot!
Oh, don't mind him - he's just the English teacher.
Who represents the...blindness of the patriarchy.
STEPHEN: Oh, my life, enough!
Ugh!
GASPS
Ah...
Oh, there's gunge in the wig!
Oh...
Water!
I need water!
Ah!
To drink!
Oh.
And, ah, Mr Carmichael embodies
the core themes of Pygmalion...
..that within us all is a bold -
and certainly authentic -
soul waiting to burst out.
We just...
We just need the courage to be seen for who we truly are.
And...period!
No.
CHEERING
LAUGHTER
Can't believe I'm saying this, Jinx, but that burn book was jokes.
Oh, well, I didn't actually write it.
You guys all assumed I did and I was a little bit butt-hurt,
so I just went with it.
Sorry.
Wait, so if you didn't write it, then who did?
Ah... My notebook!
Thank God.
Wait, are you serious? You wrote this?
Ah, have you met your parents?
I have to have clap-backs for when they go on about how
amazing you all are and how much of a terrible teacher I am.
But you're not a terrible teacher. Yeah. Aw!
I guess I am amazing. Hm!
Thank you!
But if you wrote it, then why isn't there anything bad about Jinx in it?
Oh, because my parents don't come to the school.
They don't ask questions or they're just too busy,
or they just don't...care.
Which is their loss, because they wouldn't get to hear
all the amazing things I would tell them about you.
Oh...
Well, erm, you could tell me now.
Don't be a beg.
Come on, home time.
Warren, chair.
Oh, and you know the Burton suit?
Burn it.
I won't be needing her any more.
Come here!
# Yeah, proper tings
# Original style
# We come to kick the drum The wicked money spoil, yeah. #