CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
HE GROANS
Sir, there's no room for our bags.
Someone has filled it up.
Don't look at me, should have got here earlier.
That's the last of the big bags, sir.
Do you want this hand luggage on board with you? Obvs!
Why are you looking like a trapper?
Look, we're stepping off ends, innit?
Man can't get caught slipping, you feel me?
The only thing you'll get caught slipping on is cow shit, bruv.
We're going to Pembrokeshire.
But, wait... ..where's Harrison?
Yeah, where's the brother at? Where's he at?
I'm here. Guys, I'm just wearing camo.
Look, I'm here!
CHUCKLES
Guys!
Oh, God, I'm invisible.
Oh, babe, the dress code was practical.
I'm practically perfect, Jinx.
But you best believe I am flossing out of this school uniform.
Oi, oi! Get one of these down your neck.
We should not be encouraging underage drinking.
Good point. Part of the fun is stealing the booze.
Oh, what's this? I've left me beers unattended.
I'm not looking, better not nick nothing!
For God's sake, if you want this adventure weekend to be
the bollocks, then you stick with me.
Ignore this wet wipe with the stuffed cat.
Excuse me, it's not a stuffed cat!
It's Magical Mr Mistoffelees, from Cats!
Sir is very protective of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Who?
The godfather of musical theatre - Cats, Phantom of the Opera,
Jesus Christ Superstar.
And, according to the Mega Star Quest celeb tracking app,
Andrew Lloyd Webber lives right next to the campsite.
Here is a map to the compound.
When we land, I'm going to pop over and introduce him
to the star of his next musical blockbuster - moi.
This is not some Search For The Stars, or a poxy fashion show.
We know. It's a chance for inner city kids, like me,
to learn new skills, develop team building, and survive in the wild.
Eh-eh!
This is your opportunity to dive headfirst into the three B's -
booze, banter, and birds.
Obviously, I'm only here for the first two B's.
Oi, oi, oi! That's my lager, you little prick!
Class F. F for fick!
Good luck, you lot, trying to get a date to the disco with them
lot on the trip. The what? The last night disco.
Basically, the Met Gala, but for scrubby little kids.
Obviously, I didn't go. Oh, because you were gay?
Because they were all clapped. Ahh.
Did you get a date, sir?
Me? To the...
Yeah, obviously.
Mate, I was the man back in the day. I couldn't move for treacles.
Listen, I will teach you every trick in the book, starting with Class F.
We need to show them that we are the alphas,
so we need to sit at the back of the bus.
I'm not sure Rosa Parks would agree.
Well, Rosa Parks didn't want to do wanker signs at lorry drivers,
did she? Come on you lot, let's go.
Warren!
Yeah.
One coach trip and I've already been asked to the disco by eight guys.
I said no, obviously.
Because of your faith. Yes, Jinx, my faith.
My faith and the sheer audacity of them thinking they can ask me.
Well, I don't actually want to get asked. I find these antiquated
heteronormative dating rituals to be quite...
Agh!
I don't think you've got to worry, my love.
In that skirt, if you look like a nun, you'll get none.
Sir, I... I need some advice.
The school disco's tomorrow night
and I wanted to ask a girl to dance with me.
Oh, a...
Sorry, just a little bit...
Just a little bit shocked.
Um, I assumed you were part of the LGTBQIA+ community.
Listen, I don't want to say I understand your lifestyle,
but I want you to know I support you.
Well, thank you, but this was a bad idea.
I mean, Usma's never going to go for me.
Usma and you? Yeah, exactly.
Oh sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
It's just, you know, obviously, you're fab, it's just... Assemble!
What in the B.Tech Bear Grylls is bumba gwaning?
Bet you've never such a decorated Beaver!
Well, my missus does like a vajazzle.
Why is there a gap?
Oh, well, most Beavers have a hole or three.
Erm, I'm only missing one badge.
Is that the friendship badge?
No, erm, I'm just missing a hunting badge.
Apparently, wrestling the eggs off a mother owl isn't good enough,
according to my power-mad scout master. RIP.
I don't know how to say this politely,
but what are you doing here? Saving Abbey Grove.
Applications are down 200%.
Most of our students end up unemployed, in prison,
or in the Army.
But now, the Army are questioning the quality of our cannon fodder,
and if they stop hiring, Abbey Grove is finished!
So, I am here to teach this rabble some serious survival skills.
HYAH!
Ah, Mr Fraser! All set?
Holes dug, wells sunk,
traps - bear, booby and otherwise - set.
I have thoroughly Home Aloned these woods.
Translation?
Survival!
We only eat what I forage or kill.
Shrew? There is only one shrew, but we could Lady And The Tramp it.
No, thank you.
If memory serves, I think camp food is provided.
Ah, no, not the package I went for.
We've got no kitchen and no toilet facilities.
What? I'll make Beavers out of you yet.
Now...
..who's digging the latrines?
Ooh.
Any hole's a goal!
Hey-hey!
MUSIC: As It Was by Harry Styles
# Holding me back
# Gravity's holding me back... #
SNIFFING
What's that smell?
Oh, I think it's nature.
But what do I know? I'm just your classic inner city ruffian.
This is some horror movie setting, man,
and ethnic minorities do not do well in these situations.
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
Oi, oi, oi!
My name's David and I run this show.
Now, I should warn you, I can be a bit of a joker!
Unless we're talking respecting the Countryside Code.
I didn't know we could talk like that.
We're all here to have a laugh,
but not at the expense of the flora and fauna.
Unless you get the opportunity to catch and kill,
in which case, seize it!
Well, no, that's actually a direct contravention of the rules.
All right, well, kill or be killed. Again, no.
One shot, one kill? I'm ignoring you now.
So, first thing today is the tug-of-war,
orienteering tomorrow, then the disco.
But your first task is setting up camp.
Now, I have a T-shirt to distribute to each of you.
There you go! David? You're an adult, mate.
# We had our first date three weeks ago on Monday
# He took me out for dinner, then he asked me back to his place
# Mate, he was like 6'8", with huge arms and a fit face
# Then he opened up his mouth and I was like, "What?! No way!"
# What you so boring for? It's like talking to a door
# Swear I cannot be arsed to do this... #
Oi, what is that?
That is my Technicolor Dreamcoat.
I've never played Joseph, actually.
But, hopefully, once I meet Andrew Lloyd Webber, things will change.
Oi, sir, this tent is sick.
Glamping, my G! Flossing, in fact.
We are flamping!
We?
Uh-uh, this is all for me.
But we've been putting this up for hours.
This whole trip is about teamwork, yeah?
And I got you working. You're welcome.
So, where are we going to sleep?
Back to your bed, bitch.
First rule of camp.
Ha-ha, we've got nowhere to sleep. Banter! Way-hey!
I'm off to meet Lord Lloyd Webber.
Erm, about this, I think it needs a few finishing touches, my love.
Thank you. Oh, and on the Usma disco situation,
we'll catch up about that later. Ta-ta!
Excuse me, my love.
Stranger danger!
I'm so sorry, I left my map in my tent.
Luke?
Lucas. I changed it by deed poll.
Two syllables!
And your name is? Steve?
Stephen, with a puh-huh-leeze!
Like you would forget my name!
You copied everything I did at drama school.
Those days are over.
That cape is over.
It's for the centenary of the century.
She shells sheashells on the shea... What?
Lord Lloyd Webber's 100th birthday weekend. Huh?
Not invited?
Of course I'm invited.
So, where's your costume?
We're dressing in his most iconic looks all weekend, in his honour.
Oh, I know!
I didn't want to get my roller blades dirty in this forest,
you know what I mean? Don't you think that Starlight Express is,
like, totally underrated anyway?
Well, after you!
Surely you can find your way there without your little map?
Of course!
Teasing! This way!
I was actually at Uncle Andrew's last week with, you know,
the Charlotte Sisters and Auntie Bonnie...
Argh!
Ah!
Oh, my God.
Lucas! Help! Help! Help me out!
And why would I do that?
Because we're friends. Friends?
At the end-of-year show, I fell off the stage,
and you didn't help me.
Don't laugh! I'm not laughing!
I'm sorry you're going to miss the big weekend.
I'll make sure to post lots of photos on the Gram.
LUCAS LAUGHS
Lucas!
You bitch!
Ah, Lucas!
HE SOBS
Lucas!
Warren, you look like death warmed up.
Stay hydrated. Have some water from the well I dug.
Oh, maybe later.
I would not serve that to my own worst enemy -
Gregg Wallace.
At least I won't have to go back to the well and get more.
Remind me again why we're not cutting through the whole rope.
We're going to let those Class F tosspots think they're winning
when, actually, they're hanging on by a thread.
The rope will break, they'll fall on their arse
and look like a bunch of lemons.
Legend.
WHISTLE
Come on then, guys. Tug-of-war time!
Let's get you into teams!
Come on. Let's give it to 'em! Come on!
Gladiators, ready!
I'm joking.
Ready, set...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Come on, we got this.
CHANTING: Pull! Pull! Pull!
I'm going to break a nail, sir!
Hey, these man are wasteman anyway! You're weak!
I'm tugging really hard!
Oh, I'm tugging so hard.
Hey!
GROANING
Oh, my bottom.
What are you lot doing down there?
Who's going to go to the disco with me, covered in this?
Loads of people.
No-one fit, though, innit!
An incision in the rope, made with a serrated blade,
probably a Swiss Army knife.
Who done that?
If you lot were in the Army, you'd be court-martialled for cheating.
Report to the mess in five!
Brilliant.
OWLS HOOT
Court-martialled!
I've become the kind of person my grandfather had shot in the war.
Yeah, well, you weren't meant to fall too!
Well, take it up with the basic laws of physics.
Yeah? Wait until you see Class F fishing their clothes out the lake.
Come on, Harrison.
Wait, where's Mr Carmichael?
I'm in hell!
First Mitchell mocking my Dreamcoat
and then Lucas throwing me in this pit to die!
Oh, my God.
I'm... I'm Joseph.
I'm Joseph and I don't even have my Dreamcoat!
Help!
MITCHELL LAUGHS
Dickheads! Who do Class F think they are?
No-one pisses in my bed but me, fam.
Oh, come on, it's just banter.
It's revenge for throwing their clothes in the lake.
Ah, have they pissed in your beds an' all?
No. Miss Hoburn talks in her sleep.
It's horrific.
One shot, one kill.
One shot... Argh!
Where is everybody?
We were going to ask Mr Carmichael if we could stay here.
I assume he stayed at Andrew Lloyd Webber's, so there's plenty of room.
It's OK, I'll just stay in the chair.
I cannot breathe! What is all this noise?
Miss, this is not what it looks like.
What is going on? Class F mugged us off.
Moves and countermoves. The art of war.
Oh, impressive.
I didn't know anyone at Abbey Grove read Sun Tzu.
Not since they stopped Page Three.
You're clearly a cut above this dross.
Officer material, perhaps.
But, no, a bit too nervy.
Perhaps a spy? MI5, MI6, both very reputable employers.
And, as luck would have it, I need someone to sex-up a dossier for me.
Keep talking.
Well, if you compile a snazzy brochure for the Army recruiters,
"Abbey Grove Survival Camp,"
I'll let you off the orienteering course.
Oh, so a camp scrapbook?
But not all ribbony and glittery.
Oh, Miss Hoburn, I won't make promises I can't keep.
Right. Who's coming back to the bunkhouse?
Nah, I think I'll stay here, take my chances.
Namaste. And I'mma stay, too!
Hm, this feels like a hostile occupation of foreign territory.
The Army would approve!
Night-night.
Right! Top and tailing?
Actually, I better sleep with my arse out the flap.
I've got a massive shit in the departure lounge.
Hello?!
Is anybody there, there, there...
No reverb!
No reverb! In a well!
BIRDSONG
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in. Have yourself a pew there, next to Doris.
Don't worry, she won't bite.
Not any more.
Not since I murdered her and stuffed her in that box.
What can I do you for?
Well, I'm looking for old photos of Abbey Grove trips.
Very few exist.
As Mr Carmichael's biographer,
I usually destroy any old photos of him in hiking boots.
Old fancy pants in the rainbow tent?
Yeah, I've not seen hide nor hair of him since he arrived.
He went to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber's.
Oh, yeah, just over yonder.
His 100th birthday this weekend.
The village is buzzing. The local GP's on hand.
All guests under 30 are being asked to donate
a pint of their blood at the door.
He's very fond of blood, apparently.
Photos!
Thank you.
Not that one.
Probably best you don't tell anyone you've seen that one, as well.
Good morning, guys. I just wanted...
WHISTLE
Gather round, please! Come in, quickly!
Harper, you sabotaged the tug-of-war, soiled the bunkhouse,
and taught your pupils zero survival skills.
But, Miss, popularity is the best type of survival skill.
Yeah, well, why did all my clothes end up in the lake this morning?
Take it as a compliment, right?
It's because we're the king of bants, innit? Yeah.
Well, you won't be very popular
when Class K don't make it back for the disco.
ALL: What?
Yes, you heard me, Bant King.
The last team back from orienteering
will not be allowed to attend the disco tonight.
Maybe missing out on this famous dance
will teach you to take survival seriously.
Guys, it's important to remember,
the main thing about orienteering is having...
SHRILL WHISTLE
Disco or death!
Jeez.
Lads, don't worry, all right? I've got this.
Sir! All this pengness is going to go to waste.
No disco, no dates, nothing!
I'm going back to the tent.
And this is my last clean tracksuit!
You've ruined my life!
We go left round there.
Sir... Ooh.
..I get that you're reliving your glory days,
but we have learnt approximately zero survival skills this weekend.
Yeah. If we want to go to the disco, we have to get creative.
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
Now, according to this map,
we can take a shortcut across Andrew Lloyd Webber's compound.
This will mean that we'll finish the orienteering course
in half the time.
I mean, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be going to the dance tonight.
HE HUMS A HAPPY TUNE
Yeah, look, I kind of feel like this sort of
might be an incy-wincy bit my fault.
So, I'm going to make it up to you.
I am putting on my big-boy pants.
Warren, give me the map! What?
Warren, I am your teacher. Give me the map.
Thank you.
Right. Follow me, pricks!
I think we should be going that way.
Oh, yes, there she goes.
CHUCKLING: I needed that.
I am sleeping inside the tent tonight, baby.
That's ten minutes we'll never get back.
Jinx, we're close, all right? I can feel it.
Feel it? Where's the map?
Well, my arse wasn't going to wipe itself.
Yeah? We would have been quicker doing the actual task.
Blessing, trust me.
Remember, I've been here before.
I know these woods like the back of my...
Ooh, Jinx, look at this minging mole on the back of my hand.
Do you reckon I need to get it checked out?
JINX RETCHES
We're lost.
This is a disaster. All thanks to Mr Harper!
Well, at least I'm trying to help, unlike Mr Carmichael.
Well, at least his map was useful.
Until you turned it into toilet paper!
I bet all the girls are already at the disco,
dancing with some next man, fam.
Sir, think about the last time you were here.
Do you recognise anything?
Right, well, erm... There was no last time.
I had my suspicions, but this photo confirmed it.
Look. An old shot of Class K.
And who's not in it?
You didn't go?
Well, what about the stories?
And the bants?
You were my hero.
Well, I just feel so... What's the word?
Stupid.
Harrison.
Harrison, wait!
Wait a minute!
So, we're going to miss the disco?
I mean, who wants to go to that meat market
with all the Normative Normans?
Me, actually.
No, no, we can still complete the course.
I have to try and get us to that disco, for morale.
Really, really strange.
RUSTLING
What was that? I thought it was you.
It was probably just Mr Fraser. Shh!
Listen.
Ooh, I am listening.
I'm always open to hearing about your lived experience.
BLESSING SCOFFS
Wait.
Is that...
A bear?
THEY WHIMPER
THEY SCREAM
Where have you been? Get back to camp!
B-b-buh, b-b-buh...
Is she broken?
Bear! Bare broken? Oh, I see, yes.
No, I'm up on my urban dictionary!
Bare, as in large amount/level of.
No, there's an actual bear in the forest!
It's armed, it's dangerous, it's going to attack us.
It's going to eat us alive! You need to relax, Karen!
Hunting badge, here I come!
Yes, always carry a blowpipe.
And, don't even think about going to the disco.
You're not allowed.
Urgh!
Oh, Luke?
Watford School of Drama, 2015.
Lucas.
I'm Stephen Carmichael's assistant, and biographer.
Biographer?
Oh, I bet there are several chapters dedicated to our rivalry.
Oh, no, just a footnote dedicated to haters.
Meow. Purr.
Well, water under the bridge.
Though I did see Steve yesterday. "Steve"?
He was in very deep water.
You're using a lot of water metaphors.
Let's just say, he's finally playing the role he was born to play.
Joseph! In the well?
Fraser's well! That's where he's been.
Strange boy. Mr Carmichael!
YAA!
Mr Fraser, I almost took you out with my tranq dart.
I admire your confidence, madam.
You may well have blown the dart in my direction,
but that does not mean it would have hit me.
Thanks to.... HYARGH!
A heady cocktail of Krav Maga, Capoeira, Tai Chi and Aikido.
I call it...
Krapoerchido!
Well, your Starbucks order aside, I need your help.
What have you got in your wooden house?
We need to set a trap.
And you're sure this can work?
Bernadette, I don't mean to chefsplain,
but if you go down to the woods today, or indeed any day,
you will not be surprised to learn that bears love a picnic.
Shh! I can hear the bear.
Positions.
ANIMAL CALL: Aa-aah! Aa-aah!
Dammit!
Hngeeee...
Yes!
Let's get you back to camp.
Sir!
Warren! I've been looking for you all day.
I'm so happy to see you.
You didn't say anything weird to Usma, did you?
No, I didn't. OK, good.
Get me out. OK. Erm...
Please tell me you brought a rope!
Ah, allow it, man!
It's dead anyway.
Guys, listen, I'm really sorry that I lied to you.
The truth is, all my friends got to go on this trip and I didn't.
I was desperate to, but my dad lost the trip money,
spoofing for a round of drinks.
I guess I was just trying to recreate something I never had.
Harrison, you need to choose your heroes more carefully, mate.
You're still my hero, sir.
Cheers.
Here, look, I found this in the clubhouse.
I know it's ancient, but I thought you could use it for your disco.
Uh, what is that? What is...?
Usma, this is a CD player.
Here, look. I found some old CDs, too.
Bloody hell.
What happened to you? Don't ask.
But I'm glad we're back, thanks to Warren.
Oh, Warren! You never gave up.
That's why we love you, Warren.
Right, come on you lot, it's disco time.
Here, Blessing, pass that CD.
Yes, this is a belter!
Thanks, Warren.
Remember, you never give up.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Erm, Usma, I...
Usma, I consider you a dear friend but, erm, well,
I have to tell you that I think you're completely luminescent.
And not just in your dazzlingly impractical tracksuit.
I feel delighted when I look at you,
and I...
Well, I would be honoured if you would dance with me.
Finally!
Someone who's coming correct and putting some respec' on my name.
Great, cool.
That's totally cool.
Totally cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no.
Yo, Jinx.
Like, I know dances are Antiques Roadshow and that,
but would you, you know, like, maybe want to dance with me?
Well, antiquated heteronormative rituals but, yes, very much yes.
No, I really would, yes, yes. Cool.
May I? Come here, pretty boy.
You'll do.
You think I'm pretty?
So are you.
Well, that was easy!
Wait, what? Getting a girlfriend.
Oh, Harry, you thought I was into boys?
Wait, you're into girls?
Oh, my God, it's so crazy.
We've got so much in common.
I mean, we never did get to have our dance at the disco.
I feel like we should fix that.
Let's do it!
Hang on, you knew I never went on this trip in the first place.
How come you didn't dob me in to that lot?
I mean, your dad ruined all of your fun,
I was not going to do the same to you.
Ooh, speaking of fun, how was Lordy Lord Webby's?
The pits! Chill.
I like your buns.
I mean your, your...
On your head.
Oh, flip, man.
Goddamn.
Pizza and beer for my favourite class.
Oh, go on, I'm not looking, better not take any!
What are you doing? Well, this is my way of saying thank you.
I finally have my hunting badge,
thanks to your tip-off about that bear.
What bear?
Well, the bear I tranqued and dragged back here.
SCREAMING
What did you do to Lucas?
Stop it! Stop it! Come here!
Come here!
GASPS
WHISTLE BLOWS
Who's Lucas? Call the bloody police!
# Caught in the light
# Like a sun to the ocean
# Born in the night
# In an orderly fashion... #
Right, all the students accounted for.
Just Fraser missing.
Win-win.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, shame.
What happened to you? The strangest thing happened.
One minute I was helping set a trap for a bear, the next minute,
I woke up in a four-poster bed in a desecrated chapel
next to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Shut up! I knew you wouldn't believe me.
So, after he asked me to donate some blood,
I took a selfie in the mirror with him. Look!
Where's Andrew? Weird.
He was definitely there.
THEY SHUDDER
No...