This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...
Tom Allen.
Sarah Millican.
Roisin Conaty.
Phil Wang.
Sam Campbell.
Susie Dent.
Rachel Riley.
And your host... Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's guest team captain Sarah Millican.
APPLAUSE
Sarah freely admits she farts whilst performing on stage.
Is that your opening line for me?
Sarah freely admits she farts whilst performing on stage.
I went to see her show recently and I was blown away.
And joining Sarah tonight, it's Phil Wang!
APPLAUSE
Phil Wang sounds like a bit of a rude name
but it's even worse when you find out his middle names are
Me Up With.
Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE
I'm very excited about what you're going to say about me.
Is it about that I look like an egg?
No. Me? Why would I...? Well, I don't know.
Like an egg that fell on a barber's floor? Something like that?
With a beard?
Tom looks like something out of Downtown Abbey,
specifically the scene where Lady Edith Crawley
has a delicious boiled egg for breakfast.
We try and work it round.
And I put too many soldiers in me!
APPLAUSE Perfect.
And Tom's team-mate, Roisin Conaty!
APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Roisin is bad at maths,
but if she were any worse with numbers, I'd hire her
as my accountant.
Tom, does anything annoy you?
Well, I don't like kids.
But also, I don't like...
I don't like spa days. Oh!
What, you don't like a massage? You don't like being pampered?
I quite like a massage, actually, but I find the whole experience...
Do you know what I mean? Like sitting in the corner
of some sort of open, brick area while you have afternoon tea
with other people who are having afternoon tea,
and everyone's trying to have a nice time,
but it's sort of looks like a hospital?
I don't want a sandwich at the corner of a swimming pool.
I once had a massage, and you know you put your head through the hole
when you lie down? And I fell asleep,
and I drooled so much through that hole that the masseuse skidded.
Have you ever had...? When you said about when you put your face in,
have you had it where you put your face in and they come in the room
and there's just a big sigh?
I've had that. And they've come in and they're like, "Oh..."
Phil, do you like a massage? Sure, a bit of contact.
They're legally obliged to touch me.
That's not the line you open with, is it?
"You are legally obliged to touch me."
Yeah, I like a massage, sure - tenderise the old body,
get me tasty.
Hang on, you have a collection of things that you cannot say in a spa?
Yeah. Er, Sarah, what's the best bit of advice you've ever been given?
Well, people often say, "Trust your gut,"
and I have to - because it doesn't always behave itself.
Have you got a lactose...? Yeah, I'm lactose intolerant,
but I just deal with it.
I just... Lactose is delicious!
The pub that I go to regularly, had... got a new pizza oven.
Ooh! So, we're like, "Let's get pizzas."
Cos I'm also gluten intolerant, and...
I ate a full pizza, and I shat it out before the bill came!
APPLAUSE
Well, I didn't think I should have to pay a full price,
cos I hadn't taken any of it home.
Roisin, what's your favourite thing about appearing on Countdown?
Oh, I love coming on Countdown, I get to see lots of old friends.
Er, I get to see you. I get to hang out with Rachel and Susie
and the audience
and all the sweet puss when it goes out.
Fabulous answer.
Roisin, have you got a mascot? What have you brought along?
I have got a mascot. I've brought...
Actually, it's a teddy I've had since I was a child,
and so it's my favourite teddy
and I actually practised kissing on it. That's how I learned to kiss.
Is this the one?
Oh, my goodness.
It looks like he's bitten his own dick off.
Tom, have you brought a mascot?
I have, actually, Jimmy, yes. I...
My mum keeps saying to me, "Oh, Tom, why do you keep buying
"all these lamps all the time? You keep buying lamps all the time.
"Why? Do you think you're bloody Blackpool?"
And I say, "Well, maybe I do, you know.
"Blackpool is the Paris of the North."
So, I've got them here to...
You know, just cos... I just think good lighting is so important,
because I have to be very careful with bright overhead lighting.
If it's too bright, it bounces off my head
and I look like a billiard ball.
So, the thing about lighting is it's really important for me,
I think, to have dimmer lights
so that it doesn't show my wrinkles so much.
I mean, not everybody can afford to be like Jimmy
and have their wrinkles ironed out of their face.
And I've got this one over here, erm, as well, so...
It's just nice...
Just nice... You know, got a nice cosy ambience.
And sometimes when I'm at home, what I like to do with my lamps
is I flick them off and on very quickly
so it's like I'm having a disco in my house
so people think I'm having a party when they go past.
They don't realise that I'm at the foot of the stairs crying.
OK. It's a bit like working in John Lewis.
Which is sort of where you sort of belong.
I'd like to be in a department store, actually -
a floor walker. Oh! Yeah.
You'd frighten me if you worked in a...
I think you'd be thinking, "She's got no money."
"Are you sure you're in the right place, madam?" Yeah.
"See the revolving door? It revolves outwards as well."
I had that once when I was walking round Saks in New York. Oh, yeah?
And they looked at me like I was just looking for the toilet,
and, to be fair, I was!
I'm... I'm deciding whether to say this or not.
The other day... It's a bit similar to what you were talking about,
I went into Oliver Bonas. Oh, I love Oliver Bonas.
What the hell is that shop? I don't know.
Well, I went in there the other day and, well, the thing is,
I farted, but it was loud.
It was... I'm definitely going to want this out, I think.
Yeah, go on, say it.
I farted and I was sort of stunned. I was like, "Oh, I heard that,
"I definitely heard that." And then...
I don't go farting loudly in shops, you know.
Hmm. And then I look over...
I look over, and I swear to God on everyone's life,
the lady says to the other lady - ooh -
"I'll go and get the spray."
I swear to God!
APPLAUSE
You're lucky, though,
because they've got a lot of scented candles in there -
the whole thing could have exploded.
I was once walking round... If we're doing fart stories...
Yeah, sure, why not? Why wouldn't we?
I was walking around London with my friend,
and I did, like, a nasty fart, like a hot one...
...and my friend genuinely said, "Are we near a zoo?" Genuinely.
Wow! APPLAUSE
Wow.
That is... That's quite something.
Sarah, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
I love stationery. Stationery is... You know, you don't need friends
if you've got stationary, and...
LAUGHTER Shut up.
A good few years ago, I had my own pen out.
Not everybody knows this. And this is genuine.
It's one of those...
You know the nudie pens? Do you remember the nudie pens?
Love a nudie pen, yeah. Well, I got one made with my own image in it,
and when you tip it upside down,
the cardigan comes off.
And that's it.
Ooh, look! Cardigan back on.
And I thought it was time I expanded my range.
I've got another pen.
This is... It looks like a fairly standard pen,
but whenever you put it down...
SOBBING
...it cries,
because it just wants to be held all of the time.
I don't have pencils, because pencils are for losers,
I think pencils are for people who won't commit to things!
I do have a rubber... When people say, "Have you got a rubber?",
people always think you just need a condom, don't they? Yeah, I do.
So, we've got both.
It's...
...a rubber in a rubber, so it prevents mistakes
rather than erases them.
And then the last thing is a ruler.
It's good to have a ruler, I think.
But it's got...
I'm calling it "winky" measurements on it
rather than, like, standard numbers.
That's smart. Because when you're an adult,
what else do you use a ruler for?
Just winkies, isn't it? Only winkies.
Like at 12 inches
it just says, "Wowser!"
And then at six inches it says, "Decent."
And then three inches it says... ..."Aaaah."
It's my stationary range.
Fabulous. Sarah Millican, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Phil, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot.
I find the letters round in this show quite difficult,
which is a shame, because that's a lot of the show.
I used my engineering degree and I went and built something
to help me find nine-letter words.
And I built it in the style of something
to remind me of my childhood, make me feel that comfort,
something to remind me of the culture I grew up in.
This is Dimmy the dim sum steamer...
And I built it myself to help me find nine-letter words.
There's still some kinks to work out, so bear with me.
I can see some of your engineering degree's hair behind the desk.
If your engineering degree could duck down a little bit,
this might be more convincing.
Dimmy, you're going to help me spot some nine-letter words today?
Er, maybe. No, you are.
That's what you're made to do.
Well, that and make dim sum.
Ahh! Dim sum! Yeah.
I want to make dim sum.
Yeah, not now, not now. OK.
Now, let's give this a go.
OK, Dimmy, can you find here a nine-letter word for me?
Er... Yeah?
Come on. Pork?
No. Well...
Well, yeah, I mean, that's in there, definitely in there,
but it's a bit short.
Prawn.
You're right, yeah. That's one letter longer.
I like pork and prawn. Yeah, I'm sure you do.
And I see where this is going.
But I need you to find one word that uses all nine letters.
Can you do that? Um... Well...
3 x 100 = 300
5
No, that's the numbers round.
Sorry, he's fucking useless, absolutely useless.
I'll kill you. What?
I'll kill all of you, I'll eat your flesh and chew your bones
and turn you into dim sum.
Sorry, sorry. I'll turn Tom into an egg dumpling.
Hey, I'm sorry. I'll turn Jimmy into a plastic dumpling.
Sorry, Jimmy. I'll turn you into a virgin dumpling!
Hey, I do all right. I do OK. I do fine.
I'll kill you all!
CACKLING I'm going to kill you all!
THUD
CRUNCH
Phil Wang, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Campbell. Hooray!
APPLAUSE
There he is, there he is. Hi, Sam.
Sam Campbell looks very young. I think his catchphrase is,
"Mum, don't come in. I'm just cleaning it".
Sam, it's your first time on the show.
Thank you so much for having me.
I've got a lot riding on this gig. Thank for this op...
I'm not going to waste this opportunity. Thank you, Jimmy.
Thanks for taking the chance on me.
I'm not the booker on the show, yeah?
It's such a beautiful thing that you have just said to me.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.
I would love to dedicate my appearance to my family.
This is my family.
This is my extended family.
They're longer, Jimmy!
APPLAUSE
Sam Campbell, everyone!
And with Sam of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE
Susie is a very talented lexicographer.
Give her any word and she'll tell you the meaning and how to spell it.
I can't tell you exactly how she does it,
but I can tell you it involves a dictionary.
You've released a top-ten list of words to describe co-workers.
What words would you use to describe us?
Well, I used to think of Tom that he was a gigglemug,
who is someone who is perpetually smiling and always happy
and is therefore really annoying.
But...
Susie! Sorry, Tom.
But now I think you a smell-fungus after your spa-day rant.
So, a smell-fungus is somebody
who just goes around finding fault in things.
Oh, fuck you! Yeah.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
APPLAUSE
Rachel has done over 3,000 episodes of Countdown,
which if you add them all up equates to around half a day's actual work.
Has working on this show changed anything about how you do
regular Countdown?
I think you've ruined it, really.
My work here is done.
I used to be able to do normal Countdown and, you know,
it's like, "Hi, Doris."
"Hi, Rachel. Can I have a consonant, please?"
"Great. We'll start the day with a D."
And now all I'm thinking is... Sure, like pussy...
LAUGHTER Do it, Rachel. Oh.
And it's all thanks to you, Jimmy.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this -
the Countdown afternoon tea set.
Oh!
Oh, look at this.
CLASSICAL MUSIC
Very sophisticated, these boys.
APPLAUSE
You're scalding his penis!
APPLAUSE
Well done.
I think my engineering degree needs to get out from under the table.
Is your engineering degree still down there?
Yeah.
I'd forgotten about your engineering degree.
APPLAUSE
All right, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
Tom, Roisin, you're the first to choose the letters.
Oh, Roisin, what shall we have?
I think you should choose.
Really? Mmm. OK, good. Um...
LAUGHTER
Please may I have a consonant?
You may, thank you, Tom.
S
Thank you. And a vowel, please.
E
Oh, and a consonant, please.
M
Ah. Er... And...
Come on, I. Come on, I.
And a vowel, please.
Yeah!
APPLAUSE
Rachel, Rachel?
I've, er...
I've got a SEMI, Rachel.
It's only a four, though, isn't it, Jimmy?
Jimmy!
A four is, "Aaaah."
Um, sorry, have we had enough of this?
Please may I have a consonant, please?
H
Vowel, yeah, vowel, Let's see if it's an A.
CHEERING
Consonant.
Come on, you beauty.
Is that what you have to shout at it to get to that stage?
Ah.
We'll have another consonant. It might look a bit like a D.
No, it's gone, everyone. It's gone. The moment's gone.
And I think a vowel as well.
And lastly...
On. OK, while you're doing that,
I'm going to dance the tango
and my partner is no less than a world tango champion.
APPLAUSE
I don't want to be rude
but what year were you national champion?
I was the national tango champion in 1957.
How do we start?
Like this?
OK, OK, all right.
Your time starts now.
TANGO MUSIC
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
SARAH WHOOPS
OK, Tom, how many letters? five.
Roisin, how many? Maybe six.
Ooh. Sarah? Well, I've got a six but I've also got a dodgy eight.
Ooh. Go for the eight.
Yeah, OK. Go for the eight.
Phil, what do you think? Six, non-dodgy.
Non-dodgy.
Well, if we're going for dodgy ones, can I have a six?
OK, what's your dodgy six?
I can't just say PENIS.
You can just say PENIS.
I can't. After we've had semihard,
and you just nearly stuck it in an 80-year-old.
I was going to say PANIEM. I felt like that was a word.
But I'll go with PENIS.
You're going with PENIS? I usually do.
Oh, what is it? O HAM PENIS.
Like a song. Like, "O, ham penis!"
Oh... Like a musical. Like Oklahoma?
Yeah.
♪ O, ham penis, when the wind comes rushing down... ♪
What's your six, Roisin?
PHOSEM. PHOSEM.
With a P-H.
P-H-O...
O-S-E-M
E-M? Oh, E-M of course!
When you say risky...
It has all the hallmarks of a word, that has.
It sounds Australian as well, doesn't it, Sam? A PHOSEM? Yeah.
Oh, no, I got bitten on the head by a PHOSEM.
There you go.
Do you write Home & Away? That sounds like...
That sounds like one of their storylines.
I was writing Neighbours but... I don't want to talk about it.
Susie Dent, Roisin's rolling the dice on that being a word.
Is she wrong?
Yes. Oh!
Phil, your six?
Also, PHOSEM, unfortunately.
I've got MISHAP.
OK. And your eight? Drum roll, please.
MISHAPEN. Oh, you need two Ss.
No! Check it. Shit!
Sorry.
Six points to Phil.
APPLAUSE
I looked at it and it didn't look right.
Sam, Susie, could they have done any better?
Yeah, so we had PHONIES for seven
and SHOPMAN, male shop attendant. A SHOPMAN.
No, no, I don't accept that. SHOPMAN?
My favourite superhero - SHOPMAN.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Sarah, Phil, your turn to pick the numbers.
I quite like it when it's two big ones
and then the rest are small ones. Yeah, let's do that, then.
2, 4,
1, 6.
And the big ones, 100 and 75.
Ah, too easy. And the target...
Oh!
Oh. Oh.
982. Your time starts now.
So, the target was 982.
Roisin, did you get it?
No, leave me be.
I got close to it. Tom?
Nowhere near.
79 off.
79 off?
Do you want me to tell you how I did it? No, no, no. That's really...
That is dog shit. I can tell you how I did it if you want.
6 x...
No, don't tell us how you got it that wrong. It's a waste of time.
I'm 32 off.
You're 32 off?
No, I'm 28 off. I just saw a 4.
Sarah, did you get it?
No. 979 is as close as I could get in the time.
OK, and, Phil? I got 979 as well.
How did you do that?
6 + 1 + 2 = 9
x 100 = 900
Then add the rest. 75 + 4.
It's not pretty.
And it actually hasn't got the job done either.
Seven points to Phil
APPLAUSE
Don't you think, Rachel, it's always like adding a bit at the beginning?
I always forget that, I always just try
and get as big as possible as quickly as possible.
You can hear yourself, yeah? Well, no, but do you know what I mean?
I'm talking about numbers, not dicks.
That's the trailer! "I'm talking about numbers, not dicks."
"I'm talking about numbers, not dicks."
That is actually this show summed up.
OK. Rachel?
Well, you could have said...
75 x 2 = 150
4 + 1
That's it. 147, yeah.
x 6 = 882
Oh, come on...
+ 100
APPLAUSE
Incredible.
OK, so Tom and Roisin have no points,
Sarah and Phil have 13 points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Do you know what I've noticed, Jimmy?
You really lean into, "NO points,"
and then you go, "13 points."
And, "NO points!" Like this.
Leave me alone! I was using that voice.
OK, and here is your teaser.
The words are IT'S A NOSH.
The clue is - wow, that's amazing.
That's IT'S A NOSH. The clue is - wow, that's amazing.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were IT'S A NOSH. The clue was - wow, that's amazing.
It was, of course, ASTONISH.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
but this game's just for Sarah and Tom. So, Sarah, your turn to choose.
Um, a consonant, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Sarah.
L
Uh, another consonant, please.
T
And a vowel, please.
I
And another vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
S
And another consonant, please.
G
And another consonant, please.
R
And a vowel, please.
E
And you choose.
S
OK, and your time starts now.
Oh, that's not good.
Oh...
LION GROWLS
GROWLING CONTINUES
Aww!
I found a lion. Oh, baby!
They're not as big as they look in wildlife documentaries, are they?
Hello.
Shh-shh-shh.
Awww!
Sorry, I've just spotted the cat!
Next time there's a lovely kitten on, can you let me know
and I won't bother doing the stupid anagram?
I'm going to give it Sarah. Sarah loves a cat. Oh, bless.
Thanks very much. She's adorable.
Is she a kitten, then? What is...? What was your question?
"Is she a kitten?" I don't know much about cats.
"Is she a kitten?" Hello, darling. I thought she was a small cat.
Tom, how many? Um, I think I've got seven
but... Ooh. ..taking a risk.
OK. Sarah, how many?
Um... Six, but who cares? I've got a kitten!
What's your six? TIGERS.
TIGERS is... There should really be double points for that,
because that's so appropriate. What was your, seven, Tom?
I've got SERATES and I don't think it's a word,
is it? Go on. Yes, it is.
It is, but you need two Rs.
Oh... And that is the sound that everybody made
when that fucking cat came out!
Er, six points to Sarah.
APPLAUSE You're lovely.
Sam, Susie, could they have done any better?
Did you come up with anything better than that, Sam?
We have got really incredible ones.
REGALISTS. Yeah. I'm going to need a definition from you, Sam.
Oh, my God!
I couldn't... There's just too many REGALISTS here.
REGALISTS. Lock it in, Eddie.
I'm going to be locking it in. I'm now going to be called Eddie.
Sorry, I just realised.
In the Australian Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?,
the host is this guy Eddie.
Sorry, Jimmy. Sorry.
OK, a nine-letter word. Susie Dent, everyone.
APPLAUSE
OK, so at the end of that, Tom and Roisin have NO points!
Oh... And Sarah and Phil have 19 points.
APPLAUSE
Now time for Phil and Roisin to go head to head.
Is this a joke? What, sorry? I'm going up against Phil?
Yeah, you're going head to head with Phil...
Oh, OK. ...who has an engineering degree.
So, Roisin, your turn to pick the numbers
with which Phil will beat you.
That's too much pressure.
Rachel, please may I have...
...a two from the top...?
It does feel quiet seance-y. "I'd like..."
I was trying to visualise a 4.
I like it when there's a 4 up there.
And the rest from wherever you like.
All right, the little ones...
4! Roisin!
4, 9,
5, 2.
And the big ones, 50 and 75.
And the target...
532
OK, your time starts now.
Phil, did you get it?
I think so. Excellent news.
OK, Roisin, did you get it?
I'm two away.
You're two away? Hmm.
Well, this is exciting.
Phil, how did you do it?
9 x 50 = 450
Yep.
+ 75 + 5 + 2
Yeah. 532. Well done.
Ten points to Phil. Well done.
APPLAUSE
The scores at the moment -
Sarah and Phil have 29 points
and Tom and Roisin have...
Lube your tongue up for this.
NO points!
can tell you that Phil and Sarah have 29 points.
Tom and Roisin have NO points.
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Sam, what have you got for us?
Big Jim, the West is collapsing, society is falling.
Have you noticed they've changed the font on the Weetabix pack,
the family pack?
They've changed the font! What's going on?
This is the classic. We know this. Yes.
We love this.
Suddenly they've got a new...
It's like this cool distorted font!
What, are they trying to appeal to the teens?
"Man, have you seen the new Weetabix font?"
"Whoa! Whoa, that is cool."
It's got little holes in it.
Which letter do you reckon has the most holes?
M. M, yeah.
W. Same.
The W? Yeah, W.
H. H?
I've counted all of them.
W. 99!
Ooh!
Is it a coincidence?
Not really when you look at the Board of Directors.
Wake up, Jimmy, wake up!
And let's go to the void.
I'm here to talk about the Bratz dolls.
What's going on with the name?
Who came up with this name? Bratz? Bratz?
Why would you call them Bratz?
They're not brats. Do these look like brats to you?
I find them really stylish.
I think they're kind of sophisticated.
I think they look great.
Does that look like a brat to you?
Look at these accessories.
That's not fast fashion, Jimmy.
That's good-quality stuff.
I'm not buying any more Bratz dolls.
I'm boycotting the Bratz dolls
and that's not an empty threat.
I've got the biggest collection in the Commonwealth -
hidden in the bath.
I'm not buying any more until there's a complete rebrand.
They shouldn't be called the Bratz.
They should be called The Dynasty of the Elegant Sisters.
Am I wrong?
And I go online... I love the Google Doodles.
You know, Google don't change their logo?
The Google logo is so ubiquitous,
they'll throw up like a special design
if it's a special day.
This is one for Halloween.
It's got bats,
a little pumpkin instead of the O and even a castle.
Pretty creepy!
I design my own, seriously.
Every day I wake up - "What's the theme?"
I'm designing, I submit. They've never once used one of mine.
And mine are good. Mine are all right. What's going on?
This is the one they used for Mother's Day.
What?! It doesn't even make sense.
It's just some shoes on a doormat. It looks shit.
It'd be handy for National Shoe Day,
but this is Mother's Day we're talking about, people.
Mine was way better.
Thank you for this opportunity.
Sam Campbell, everyone!
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser. The words are SORT LUBE.
And the clue is - I've got problems.
That's SORT LUBE. I've got problems.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were SORT LUBE. The clue was - I've got problems.
It was of course TROUBLES.
Before we go on, he's not on the show, but he's turned up anyway.
It's Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
It's so good. It has hairs on it.
Joe, what's...
All right? What's going on, Joe?
Checking out me yo-yoing.
No, I mean,
you've got a massive left arm and left leg.
Well spotted.
I...
TOM CHUCKLES
Yeah, cos you haven't had me on the show for a bit,
I've started a new hobby, started body-building.
Um...
Did the left-hand side. Happy with that.
Um, but I got bored of it.
Couldn't be arsed to do any more, so, yeah.
Sort of, uh, just look like this now, but it's all right.
I can't help but notice you've got quite a big hand.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm...
I'm also allergic to almonds.
Yeah. But, yeah, it's quite good having a...
...having...
I've genuinely pulled something.
But... what's great about having a massive fist,
big arm and leg - it also helps with my other hobby,
which is, you know, smashing stuff up.
I like smashing stuff up. So, it's good for that,
you know, kind of...
Whoa!
There you go. So, you know, that that's keeping me busy,
you know, kind of...
It's...
So, yeah, so...
Have you got any other hobbies other than kicking holes in the set?
Uh, no, no, no.
JOE SIGHS
Piss off.
What's going on, Joe?
Ah, well, as you can see,
Fabio's new hobby is hanging from a trapeze.
Cos he's a fucking idiot.
Go on, piss off.
Can't do the show with you just hanging there, can we?
This show is shit enough without you being here.
Piss off. Piss off!
We're not doing anything till you piss off.
Piss off.
Piss... off.
Erm...
...how about if you piss off, I'll take you swimming later?
Here we go!
I probably should have tried that earlier. Never mind.
Let's play Countdown!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's really fabulous.
OK, on with the game. Uh, Tom, Roisin, your turn to choose letters.
Rachel, can we have some letters that spell things, please?
OK. We'll just...
B
O
P. P.
What do you want, an I or an E?
E, please.
Oh, if you get an N, you've got an ING.
And then some consonants.
T. T's good.
You've got a T and an N. N!
More consonants, love. All right.
OK, and your time starts now.
What's the last letter?
L. L? Oh, right.
OK. Phil, what have you got?
A seven. Seven letters.
OK, all right. Sarah, how many? Seven.
Tom, what have you got? Oh, four.
Roisin, how many? I got six but I can feel a seven near me.
What are you thinking, Rois? What have you got there?
I've got POLITE, but I can feel there's more.
That's good.
Tom, what is your four? POLE.
Uh, Phil, your seven? PELTING.
Uh, Sarah, your seven? ELOPING.
Well, seven points to Sarah and Phil.
This is embarrassing, right?
APPLAUSE
I think we did quite well.
Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? We got BILTONG on seven.
Yeah. It's a South African cured meat.
So, at the end of that, I can tell you that,
Sarah and Phil have 36 points.
Just behind them, Tom and Roisin have NOTHING.
APPLAUSE
Time to go to Dictionary Corner once again.
Sam Campbell, what have you got?
I know what you're thinking. You think I'm sick.
You think I'm a sicko. You think I'm warped.
You're thinking Sigmund Freud would have a field day
with this guy.
And you're not wrong. We went to the London Eye.
Yeah, yeah, I haven't had that much fun since I went to Go Ape
with Karl Jung.
My mum wrote that joke.
My bitch mum with her long tits!
You guys like this guy Paddington?
They found him down on the Underground.
That's why he's called Paddington. The family, they found him
at Paddington Station. That's why he's called that.
It's lucky they didn't find him on the DLR.
And a lot of actors...
I mean, a lot of actors are doing their own stunts.
Can you believe it? Doesn't it just drive you crazy?
It's got to be frustrating for the stunt department.
Imagine that. You'd be like, "I was looking forward to this stunt.
"I've been practising heaps for the big stunt."
And it's always stunts. You never hear,
"Oh, I can't wait for the big movie. Apparently, Jason Statham
"did all the catering."
WHISTLE BLOWS
Apparently, Jason Statham did all the catering.
IN SLOW-MO: Jason Statham did all the catering.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Believe by Cher
Sam Campbell, everyone. Come on.
APPLAUSE
And here is you final teaser. The words are ARSE ICON.
The clue is - picture this.
That's ARSE ICON. Picture this.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were ARSE ICON. The clue was - picture this.
It was of course SCENARIO.
OK, we've played over 150 games of Cats Does Countdown.
Only once before have a team scored no points.
Oh, really?
I can let you into a little secret about a person who was on that team.
I wasn't on it. I wasn't there.
She's blanked it out
for her own mental wellbeing.
I wasn't there.
Think of it this way, Roisin.
If you were goalkeeper, you'd be doing fantastically.
Time for our final letters game. Sarah, Phil you get the pick.
Consonant, please.
Q
Oh! Jesus, Phil!
Forget it!
That one's good. I like it. Consonant.
R
Vowel.
I
Consonant.
N
I'll take you in a bit, mate.
Um, a vowel.
O. Ooh.
Um, and another vowel.
A. Huh?
And a consonant.
Oh, it is lovely.
S
Consonant.
T
And a vowel.
E. Ah, the best belters there.
I love this show,
but I never... I never really, because of the commitment,
the time commitment doing this,
I never get to practise my laser harp.
Sure. I'll just...
You look like you need a guide dog.
All right.
Can we put the lights down, please,
so I can play my laser harp?
LASER HARP PLAYS
And your time starts now.
ESOTERIC MUSIC
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Tom, how many? Six.
Roisin, how many? Seven.
Yes!
Seven, OK, she's got a seven. OK, all right. JOE: Sorry, Sarah.
Sarah? Seven.
Yes! Thanks.
OK, Phil? Seven. Boo!
Aw... OK, all right, so, Tom, your six?
STRAIN. S-T-R-A-I-N.
- Is that a word? - Yes, it is.
STRAIN. Phil, your seven?
It's how Joe's arm makes me feel. MOISTER.
Sarah, your seven?
REMAINS
Roisin? Just say it. It doesn't matter.
Here's your chance for points. Susie?
Yeah.
You might want to close that book.
STARMEN
- Like SEMINAR, you mean? - Yes.
SEMINAR. Very good.
STARMEN is what she said. She said STARMEN.
OK, so it's seven points to Phil. Of course it is.
APPLAUSE
Sam, Susie, could they have done any better?
There was a nine there, wasn't there? What was the nine?
This one is going to rock your world. MATRONISE.
It's the female version of patronise.
APPLAUSE
OK, Sarah and Phil have 43 points.
Tom and Roisin have... Let me check.
Can we add that up? Instead of saying how many points,
could you just say we've got all the points?
Oh, do you know what, that's a lovely time-saving idea.
So, I can tell you that Tom and Roisin have NO points,
Phil and Sarah have ALL the points.
APPLAUSE
OK, you're playing for pride and pride alone.
As if! I've been on a Pride parade,
and I would leave it if this was it!
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's
not so crucial conundrum. Your time starts now.
Oh...
Oh, we should get this. Nice.
THEY TALK QUIETLY
BUZZER Oh, my God, Tom.
Is it WANDERING?
Let's have a look.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, congratulations to Sarah and Phil. You're now the proud owners
of this, the Countdown afternoon tea set!
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media