This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
Jon Richardson,
Lee Mack,
Harriet Kemsley,
Munya Chawawa,
David O'Doherty,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley,
and your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
If you've never seen the show before,
it's a bit like your mum, it couldn't be easier.
OK, let's meet tonight's players,
first up, it's team captain, Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Jon is freak,
but when his parents walked into his teenage bedroom
and caught him with a hoover on maximum suck mode,
it was actually because he was doing the hoovering.
My parents divorced when I was young, but I'll take it.
Yeah... It was your fault.
And Jon's team mate, Harriet Kemsley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Harriet once performed at the UK Vegan Festival Veg Fest,
and you thought the toilets at Glastonbury sounded bad.
Up against them this evening is guest team captain Lee Mack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lee used to work as a bingo caller,
shouting numbers at old people all afternoon,
it's pretty much what Rachel does now.
And joining Lee tonight, it's Munya Chawawa.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Munya Chawawa's full name is Munyaradzi Oliver Chawawa.
It's an interesting...
Am I saying that right, is it "Oliver"? T...
I mean, ugh, to be honest,
I'm actually just... pleased you've said it correctly,
because I've been called everything under the sun.
What have you been called? I've been called Mumbi, Munwar, Daddy...
You know, two weeks ago I was in a bar,
I met a friend of a friend and he said,
"What's your name?" I said, "Munya", he said, "William?"
He said "William" - he colonised me on the spot.
"'Munya?' You mean 'William'."
It frustrates me cos, in Britain, you come up with words like
"antidisestablishmentarianism"...
I asked someone to say "Munya", and it's like I've asked them
to sing the Botswana national anthem in Swahili.
Would... Would you like me to?
Only if you do the accent and you get cancelled.
Munya, what's the coolest thing you've ever done?
Err, the time that I had to... walk across
a pit of crocodiles to become head boy. What?
Now, I actually grew up in Zimbabwe, OK, where you've got crocodiles.
Now, in Zimbabwe the way they wanna select the head student
is they put you in this initiation camp.
In England, they'll make you head boy if you can get through
Shine, Jesus, Shine without wetting yourself in Year 4, right...
So, I remember... We walked to this crocodile farm
and the guy showing us around only had one arm, for a start.
So, half the kids ran off, that's 50% eliminated.
It's like, basically, Zimbabwe invented Squid Game, innit? OK...
Then the rest of us had to walk a plank...
...across this crocodile pit
and as the crocodiles got bigger, the planks got thinner,
until only the bravest kid would walk across...
...and it was me. Well, I'm gonna say...
I'm gonna say, you think you're on a different show with Lee
and that's a lie.
The thing is...
But if you ask Lee right now, cos Lee knows me,
Lee, do you believe this could have possibly happened in my life?
I'll be honest, I wasn't listening.
Jon, have you got any hidden talents? Have you got any talent?
I've hope I've got hidden talents, yeah, cos this can't be it.
There's going to be something one day, I'm gonna just do it
and then I'm gonna be brilliant at it.
Well, you're good at Countdown, you now play Countdown for a living.
I'm sort of all right. I'm better than, you know, this lot.
I watch real Countdown.
There was one this week, it was mad, wasn't it,
the guy was on for his octochamp,
he scored 100 points and lost on regular...
I know you guys don't engage with the real game.
I didn't even know it was still on!
Did you say "octochamp"? Octochamp.
You're only allowed to win eight on the real show.
And then what? You get killed?
Well, this guy had... He won... He didn't win his octochamp, did he,
he was like, "I think I've still got a good chance of..."
He'd kept his collated score to that point
and he knew what his odds were of getting into
the end of series championships. Are you still talking about THIS?
I know I speak on behalf of the nation when I say,
you've won eight, so why don't you fuck off?
Lee, what's your biggest regret in life? Well, I don't know,
probably either killing that man in a car park fight,
or watching the Emoji Movie. Probably that.
Trusting that that proctologist was a real one.
Was he in a park? He was in a van at Threshers.
Harriet, have you got a mascot? OK, so I have brought...
...my cat. Ooh...
Uh...
Well, let him out, he's going to suffocate!
So, your cat... has passed over?
Oh, yes, was that not clear? Yeah, no, that was...
Well, she... Well, she just got very sick,
and I brought her because I loved her so much,
I don't know if you've ever loved before, Jimmy, but I really...
What is love?
I really loved that cat, like, I loved her
more than certain family members.
Like, not my husband, but like my uncle.
When I cried, that cat licked tears from my face,
my uncle has never done that.
And to explain how much I loved that cat, like...
Well, like, I've just had a baby
and people have asked me when I knew that I wanted to have a baby,
and the truth is, like, it was the night that my cat died.
But I got back from the vets and I was so sad
and I looked down at my phone and I'd been tracking my periods,
and I knew that I could get pregnant that night...
...and then the soul of my cat could get reincarnated into my baby.
Damn!
And I told my husband that
and he refused to have sex with me...
Erm, so I now... So whose baby is it?
Erm, we'll talk about that later, Jimmy.
Fuck.
Harriet and her dead cat, everyone.
LEE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE
Jon, did you bring a mascot? You normally bring a mascot.
Not a lot of people know this about me cos I think people see me
as sort of quite a traditional bloke, erm...
...but I'm actually a big fan of musical theatre. Oh!
And I've actually quite a powerful voice myself. Ooh.
I was recently in a production of Les Mis.
Who were you in Les Mis? Um... There's not a mouse in Les Mis.
Just in the audience, but...
...but you can't have a show without an audience, right?
Speaking of which, I am on tour at the moment.
So I've written a musical about this,
I've written a musical about our show, so we can...
Are you about to sing? You don't need to sound so worried.
I think what you mean is... "Are you about to sing?"
Not... SCEPTICALLY: "Are you about to sing?"
Like... Yeah, no. "Are you about to get your cock out?"
You sing with your cock?
I've written a musical about this show,
it's called Cats... Does Countdown.
I've had quite an angry letter from Andrew Lloyd Webber.
I don't know what he's talking about -
they're clearly completely different.
So, it's very exciting.
The only problem is I'm not really very musical,
so what I've done is, for the songs,
I just ripped off a load of songs from other musicals.
So, from Mamma Mia, I've got, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
How does Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy go? Er, right...
Just sing us a little bit of it. Just sing us a little bit.
So Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy goes...
TO THE TUNE OF GIMME, GIMME, GIMME: ♪ Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy Your hair so shiny,
♪ Just one squeezy bottle keeps the grey hairs away
♪ Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy Your teeth are so shiny
♪ Let's meet for a coffee at the M6 Tebay. ♪
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think ABBA are shit. Is that controversial? They're boring songs.
Sure, I mean compared to this, they're shit. Yeah!
Compared to this, Abba are nothing.
I mean, you've clearly... You've got a talent here.
From the, from the line... This is actually a Susie song,
so Susie stands up and sings
Hakuna Matata, What A Wonderful Phrase,
Unfortunately It's Not In The Oxford English Dictionary
So You Don't Get The Points.
Then your plastic surgeon comes on and sings, from Wicked,
Defying Gravity.
Then obviously I...lose the episode and go home
and talk to my wife at length, and she sings,
from Frozen, Let It Go.
And then we end with Grease Is The Word,
Unfortunately You Could've Added The D And The Other Team Got GREASED,
So The Points Go To Them.
And that's Cats Does Countdown, The Musical.
Jon Richardson, everyone. APPLAUSE
That's a very good mascot.
Munya, have you got a mascot?
Ugh, boy, do I. We talk for a living, yeah?
Do you ever get to the end of the day
and you're just... utterly exhausted, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in two years.
She says to me, "Munya, you never talk to me", and I say...
...so she's got a point.
Mustering the energy to even say a simple phrase like "Yes"
is too much, until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Mun-Yeah.
Now, you just give it a squeeze
and it emits a range of affirmative noises,
So, I'll give you some examples.
So, my missus comes up to me and she goes,
"Hey, Munya, would you like lasagne for tea?"
"Yea-a-a-a-ah... Boi!"
The lads come up to me, "We're going to the pub,
"Munya, you wanna roll?" "Abso-bumbaclart-lutely."
Maybe there's the offer of a bit of friskiness later on,
"Babe, you fancy getting frisky later?"
"Sure thing, Daddy."
As you can see this is designed based on me,
it comes with my signature face shrubbery,
which is locally sourced from my own eyebrows -
they are made to scale, as is the bulge, actually,
so I don't know if you can see that...
That also serves as a speaker,
and as a reminder that once you go brown,
you will spend the entire next day
walking round in your dressing gown, OK.
Now, each doll also comes with an in-built passport
because, you know, as they say, "Once you go brown,
"the immigration officer will constantly be round."
But apart from that, it's a perfect doll.
Should everyone here have a Mun-Yeah?
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
There we go.
Munya Chawawa. APPLAUSE
Lee. What? Did you bring a ma... What?
Sorry. Yes, James. Did you bring a mascot?
Oh, yeah I'm contractually obliged to. Yeah.
This, Jimmy,
is a carriage clock.
But not any carriage clock,
this was my grandfather's carriage clock
which I inherited in his will. I did when I changed it, and...
Back in the day, my grandaddy used to work in a factory in Leeds,
and in the whole time he was there, he never missed a single day's work,
not in the whole three and a half weeks he was there.
And when he left, they gave him this clock.
Well, he, you know, he took the clock.
But, for me, it's a lesson to the kids out there that there's no limit
to what you can achieve in life with a strong work ethic and...
...trousers with massive pockets.
But it's also a reminder about how time is short.
We're not on this planet Earth for very long
and the clock face is not like your face, you can't reverse it.
And also, a clock is a good reminder as well, Jimmy,
if I keep that there tonight, that, after the show tonight,
I've gotta get the last train home
so can you stop asking stupid fucking questions?
JIMMY GUFFAWS
OK. Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE Yeah!
David O'Doherty, finally, an answer to the question,
what would it look like if David O'Doherty let himself go?
JON LAUGHS HEARTILY
Here's a question for you,
what's the best thing you've ever found? Oh, like...
I'm not suggesting you're a Womble, but there is a similarity.
I found I found a Fleshlight, so...
Do you know, it's like...
So it's not a sex aid, it's more like sort of sexy Pringles?
It was in the first lockdown,
and I was living on an island with my parents
and I felt a bit like Tom Hanks waiting
for my volleyball best friend to arrive on the island.
And then one day, it washed up and...
It was...
Yeah, I didn't know what it was initially,
I thought it might be a telescope or a lightsaber,
and because I was on the island for another three months
with Jim and Ann, I did spend a lot of time trying to imagine
the scenario in which... Cos it had fallen off a ship,
but I want to know... like,
So it's a sailor who gets addicted, you know...
And the Captain's like,
"Yar, why is no-one swabbing me decks?" Or whatever it is...
It's either that or the Captain got addicted to it
and he attached it to the bottom of the ship's steering wheel.
So, when he's like, "Yar!", you know...
"..I loves the choppy waves," and...
He was doing it so much his vision started to go,
and he didn't see the iceberg.
It's the retelling of Titanic, but... with my Fleshlight.
Am I the only one that's not heard of this thing? What, a Fleshlight?
It looks like a torch, it has a synthetic vagina in it.
No way. Yeah, it's modern technology.
What are we even doing here? Come on. Come on, everyone!
I don't really...
Like, someone asked me how I'd feel if my husband got a Fleshlight
and I wouldn't like it, but it's because
I've never seen him wipe down a kitchen surface. Ohh...!
I still...
Harriet, I still don't understand with them whether you have to
provide the proportions, or... Why are you asking me? I don't know!
Well, it depends which one you buy. Obviously... there's grades,
there's the... Oh, you've got the best one, haven't you, Jimmy?
Expert...! Vroom!
HE MIMES LARGE MACHINE STARTING UP
It has diamonds encrusted...!
Is any of this broadcastable?
And with David, of course, it's Susie Dent!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've gotta make a public safety announcement, please...
...don't listen to Susie's podcast in the bath,
that's how we lost Whitney Houston.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Wow.
Incredible.
I'd say 30 seconds of this is usable so far.
They're upstairs in the gallery going,
"We're gonna have to keep the Fleshlight story."
OK... Susie you recently started a new podcast. How's that been going?
Well, I know what you're thinking, but it's actually been really fun.
I had a good chat with Jon.
We've talked about some great stuff.
We've talked about the fear of balding, fear of death,
we talked about his nan's electric can opener.
We talked about how white goods are going to outlive us...
What were you trying to do? Sedate an elephant?
What else did we talk about? We talked about swearing, didn't we?
We did talk about swearing, yeah... Favourite swear, Susie?
Well, David and I share the same - "bollocks".
You share the same bollocks?
Susie!
You're giving him ammo!
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not saying we could replace Rachel
with a robot arm made of Lego,
but is it worth getting some Lego just to check?
Rachel, you've got two kids now. Yeah.
Have you learnt anything about yourself since becoming a parent?
I have recently learnt that I am definitely not into golden showers.
Did I have a blackout then and a different question was asked?
He said, "What's it like having kids?" And you said,
"I don't like people pissing on me."
No, I get the connection there, that's one... of the kids. Yeah!
Well, you get to the point where you have to potty train them
and then you've got this potty that you carry around and you have to
make the decision of whether you wanna try and get rid of the wee
or carry around a bowl of wee.
And sometimes, you make the wrong decision,
like, by the side of one of those gardens with the gates
and it doesn't fit through, so you think to yourself,
"Well, I'll just, like, chuck it over the top",
and then it folds back on itself, and then you make...
You learn a lesson.
Wow, and... OK...
OK, none of this is usable.
We have to play the game now.
Ah, they're going to keep in my story about the good episode.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Rug.
APPLAUSE
Does he... Does he ever say, "No, I'm not doing it"?
OK, let's Countdown, everyone, time for the first game.
Jon, Harriet, you get to pick the letters.
OK. Shall we... have...? Erm... Oh, fuck, I never...
I'm gonna intervene. Yeah.
Go on. No, OK,
so, could we have... two vowels and two consonants, please?
I, A, T... I, A, T...
N. N. Another two vowels, another two consonants, please.
E. Is that good? A.
It is, except we've got to pick nine... P...
...so, this game can't go on forever. Nine? OK. Then it's C...
And consonant, please. And K.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
Hmm, hmm...
Hi-yah!
APPLAUSE
Ooh, those things are dangerous!
Um, Munya, how many? Five for me, Jimbob.
"Jimbob"? Like, I can give you a hood name if you want.
What's my hood name? I mean, I grew up in Norwich so...
Farmer Jimmy.
Lee, how many? Five. Five. Five. Jon?
Seven. Ugh... Harriet?
F... Four. A four?
You got a four-letter word? Let's hear it.
Go for... the six, just in case.
One, two... Oh, no...!
Go on, try the six.
It's OK, thank...
PICNAK. What?!
Pic... PICNAK?
Is there a sadder moment on television than this moment
when Susie has to check it in the dictionary?
What if it is there though? What do you mean, "What if it's there?"
Munya? Err, PANIC.
Sorry, was PICNAK in there?
No, so, do you know what, we never did clarify that, did we?
I'm so sorry, I imagine people watching at home are thinking,
"Oh, is PICNAK a word? We never got a definition."
No, it fucking isn't! But you don't know - Susie didn't say anything!
What do you mean, "No, I don't know"? You don't know for sure!
I'll check in my dictionary. Hmm! Ah!
Is it a word? No, it's not Harriet, I'm so sorry.
Thank you, Susie,
I just wanted to hear it from Susie, not from you, no offence.
Well, that's me stuffed then, I guess NATPICK's not in.
Lee, your five? PAINT.
PAINT? Yes.
What you do on your hair every morning.
Jon, your seven, for the points.
CAPTAIN... CAPTAIN, of course. Very good.
Captain, my captain.
APPLAUSE
David, Susie, could they have done any better?
No better, no better. PANCAKE is there... HARRIET: Ugh!
...for another seven and PICANTE... Ooh, lovely. ..is there as well.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Harriet are in the lead
with seven points.
APPLAUSE
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Lee, Munya, your turn to pick the numbers.
Rachel, please could we have two big, four small. Yes.
Right, four little ones.
1, 7,
9, 3,
and the big ones, 50 and 100.
OK... 823. The target is 823,
your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 823.
Munya, did you get it? Yeah.
Lee, did you get it? Damn right, brother.
Wow. Jon, did you get it?
No, I didn't, no. You didn't get it? No, I didn't...
Slightly makes me think... Wow. ...the other two are lying.
Harriet...?
Did you get it? Not yet.
What did you get? How close did you get? Well, I'm not there yet!
I'm still working on it.
If you just give me a minute.
Famously, this game takes place over 30 seconds. Right, OK, yeah.
It's kind of the whole thing.
I found... I find the Countdown very off-putting. Mm-hm...
Well, don't come on the show!
Munya, how did you get it? All right, let me tell you what, Jimmy,
all right? I'm gonna give you 821,
but I'm going to throw in a 50, just on the side.
That's a no then. No, you didn't get it.
Lee, did you get it? I got it. All right, how did you get it?
You get the 7 and the 1
and you times it by the hundred, that gives you 800.
You stick on the 50, that's 850.
You get the 9, you times it by the 3, which is 27,
you knock it off the 50, you've got 923. Boom. 823, 823!
APPLAUSE
Skills.
I've got 828. I'm sorry?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Wow, well, like, within the 30 seconds there, well done.
OK, so Jon and Harriet have seven points,
Lee and Munya have 10.
And here is your Teaser -
the words are STRIPLEE, the clue is, "Looks a bit scaly".
That's STRIPLEE, "Looks a bit scaly". See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. And the answer to the Teaser,
the words were STRIPLEE, the clue was "Looks a bit scaly".
It was, of course, REPTILES.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Lee and Jon.
Lee, your turn to choose the letters.
Er, three from the t...? Which is it? Consonant? Yes.
Consonant. Consonant, T.
And a vowel, please. I.
Aah, I've got to go for the consonant. D. Aww.
A vowel, please, Rachel. A.
Consonant. T. T. Argh!
Put that with the D, just for a laugh. Go on, put it in there.
Aww...
Oh, actually, the A next to the D and I'll try and pull out an H,
we'll get TITHEAD.
You'll have to move it up one, I'll need an H and an E. All right.
So, let's get the consonant next to the T, we know that that's an H.
MUNYA CHUCKLES, LEE GROANS
TITNADS. That'll do.
TITNAD.
I'll have a consonant, so I hope we get a plural...
Aw, TIDNADR.
Nah, he's all right, he's a bit of a TITNADR.
Vowel. Vowel, put that between the T and the N... Oh, TITINADR!
TITINADR, the lowest part of the tit.
That was my grandmother's name, Titinadr. She'd got very low boobs.
How dare you, that was my grandmother!
And finally, we'll take a consonant, please... No, we won't!
We'll take a... vowel.
Aw, I don't like that. Turn it into a C, put it sideways.
I don't want another I. O, not another O...
E! get it up there. Stick it in...
Can you put the E and the R in the right order?
It'll help me in a minute.
OK, and your time starts now. I've finished.
Rachel, do you fancy tossing the pigskin? Yeah, yeah.
Can you catch this? Yeah, we can give it a go.
If this bites you in the face...
Hang on...
That's something.
That got a bit aggressive! All right. Jesus!
Get him, boys! Hngh, hngh...!
THEY GRUNT
APPLAUSE
Lee, how many?
Er, oh, my God!
Seven. Are you all right, Jimmy?
I'm sorry, did you...?
S'cuse the voice, I'm pretending to give a fuck.
I wish I hadn't had an erection when we started this.
You've just killed two American footballers with it. Yeah...
Yeah, they're actually impaled...
Jon, how many? Eight.
Everyone, up.
OK, guys, help me up. Come on, come on.
Oh, oh, they're so strong!
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Lee, your seven.
TAINTED. Oh, as in someone's taint?
What?
The bit between your... testicles and your arsehole, the taint.
Is that what the song Tainted Love's about?
Jon, your eight. DAINTIER.
Yeah, very, very good. DAINTIER? Wow!
APPLAUSE Lovely!
David, Susie, could they have done any better?
Susie got one that was as good as, but not better,
and that's NITRATED. Yeah.
At the end of that, Lee and Munya have ten points,
Jon and Harriet have 15.
APPLAUSE
Right, now it's time for Harriet and Munya to go head-to-head.
Harriet, your turn to pick the numbers. Well, well, well.
What's, "Well, well, well..."? I don't know! It's just like...
What does that mean? How the tables have turned.
But there's no context for you saying that.
You're terrible at this game.
In my head, it's like everyone's against me,
and then now you need me.
I feel like, Harriet, your cat's ashes
have turned you into an evil Mastermind.
HARRIET GIGGLES Yes...
Well, well, well.
Harriet, pick the numbers... OK. ...and then fail to get the maths.
Can I have, like,
the hundred, a couple of the hundreds, a couple of the...
A couple of the smaller ones, and then...
Less with the five, more with the zeros.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes! Like that, yes.
And erm, another one with a zero on the end.
Harriet's got her fingers crossed for 105, hasn't she? RACHEL: Yeah...
OK, well, let's roll the dice, Rachel.
Right, well, you've accidentally chosen
one of the most difficult ones, but you've got 5, 5,
50, 100, 25, 75, and the target... Aw, please, be a three.
Wow. All the best with that.
And your time starts now. No!
Oh, my God!
JIMMY LAUGHS
Oh, it's so hard.
Oh...
So, the target was 877.
Munya, did you get it? You know what, Jimbob -
yeah. Ooh! Harriet, did you get it?
Well, well, well...!
Sorry, Harriet, did you...? Did you get it? Absolutely not.
How close did you get?
What was the last thing you wrote down? PICNAK.
SHE SNIGGERS, LAUGHS
OK. Munya, how did you do it?
OK, 75... Yes.
Then you've got 5 plus 5 is ten.
So 75 times ten is 750. 750?! You're going to do it... That's it.
No, you're not. Well, you've done the hard bit,
see if you... can get the easy bit done. Now, OK...
You might've used something twice. Now you add 100.
850. I'm going to add 25. Yeah.
Which gives me... 875. That'll do.
And you know what, we'll leave it there.
SHE LAUGHS Two away.
No, hang on, I think Harriet might have it.
You think Harriet might have it? Yeah, so if we...
Hey, hey, come on...
I would imagine even this explanation is going to be tricky.
All that says is, "How come I got you?"
OK, so why...?
Why is there brackets?
"Why is there brackets?"
This is madness. This is not gonna...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
OK, so if we have bracket... Yeah.
Um, 100. Yeah... Add 75.
Yeah. Close bracket. Mm.
Beneath that, you write times five.
RACHEL GIGGLES
And then you put a line, and then a plus... H-How?!
...and then you put 50 and then you put a like a sideways dash...
LAUGHTER
And then you put... No, sideways, it's not flat.
Harriet, your dead cat's ashes are actually moving away from you.
LAUGHTER
And then...25.
And can you finish it off, Harriet?
877.
LAUGHTER
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Seven points to Munya. Oh.
APPLAUSE
OK, so Jon and Harriet have 15 points,
Lee and Munya have 17, just in the lead.
APPLAUSE
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner. David O'Doherty,
what have you got in store for us? Well, Jimmy, as you know
I'm usually... I'm usually pretty low-key.
But sometimes, Susie, I like to drop bombs,
and I do it through a comedy song,
song, song, song, song.
I'm talking about my beefs!
2023, things that have been infuriating me constantly,
my beefs, 2023, get ready,
fury bombs happening right now.
People who vape outside pubs.
Don't make me walk through your weird plumes of fruit smoke.
Also, you look ridiculous with a robot's wanger in your mouth.
I get it, vaping has reduced a lot of the cancer from smoking.
Do you know what it's also got rid of? The dignity. Come on!
LAUGHTER
Supervet! Yeah, the TV vet.
Stop putting wheels on cats.
That's all he does! Regardless of what's wrong with the poor cat.
"She has a few sniffles. We'll pop some wheels on her and see..."
LAUGHTER
My mum. You're going to have to get over the fact at some point
that I was a 10-pound baby. I know it was uncomfortable,
but, Jesus Christ, it was a long time ago. Also, it wasn't my fault.
I wasn't even born yet. If anything, it was her fault.
I think pasta had just come to Ireland and Anne and Jim
were shovelling it in the whole time.
I was taking it down the tube...
Spuds and pasta, are you joking me?
Finally...
...people who say laughter is the best medicine.
Do you remember the fricken pandemic? Do you remember that?
Laughter wasn't medicine at all.
It was a death cloud of doom smoke, if I'm honest.
Also, it was difficult when your business
is trying to make people laugh. These skills are nontransferable.
I've been doing comedy for 20 years,
I basically have one joke and it's this, what does this button do?
JAUNTY THEME PLAYS
Sort it out, world.
If you if you mess with me any more
you risk being part of my beefs 2024.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
David O'Doherty there.
And here is your teaser. The words are TITCARDS,
and the clue is I can't stop looking at them. That's TITCARDS,
I can't stop looking at them. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were TITCARDS,
the clue was, I can't stop looking at them, it was of course DISTRACT.
OK, onto another letters game. Let's ramp up the tension,
it's time for... the Tension Round.
TENSE MUSIC
In this game we're playing for double points. The pressure's on.
Jon, you love the Tension Round, right?
TENSE MUSIC
Do you think you're going to be OK?
Fuck you. SMALL EXPLOSION
LAUGHTER
You can't be doing that around me. You just give me flashbacks, man.
What, to the crocodiles? To Norwich? Yeah, to Norwich.
Shoot-out between farmers. "That's my pheasant." You know.
How do you think you're gonna cope, Jon, pretty good?
I eat a lot of vegan food
and this round is a real problem for me.
What about you, Harriet? How do you cope...?
I don't like sudden, unexpected things.
SMALL EXPLOSION
LAUGHTER
Jimmy... You need to stop. ...of all the time I've known you
and doubted you're a real human being,
never has it been more relevant now. You aren't even flickering.
There's noises going off, there's nothing happening at all.
We're all going like that and you're like,
"What is this thing called fear?"
It's horrible, this. I've never done this before.
Have you not done this round before? Is this a regular feature?
Do you think you will cope well? No, not at my age with my heart.
What are the things that are going off?
What are the things that are going off? Yeah, where is this,
what do they look like? If you really want to scare Harriet
you should just have a sound effect of "meow."
So Jon, Harriet, you get to pick the letters. Just pick the letters.
Why are you saying it like that? You said it like as if...
Just pick them quickly. I'll just get this out,
I'm sure everything will be fine. No, no. Don't press it,
don't press it. What does that do? Don't press it.
How is you standing up going to help?
Consonant, consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel.
Can I ask one favour? Yeah. When we're doing this,
can you just hold one of my ears and I'll hold the other one?
Just like this. Yeah, but what about me? Your hearing's gone.
Well, I'll tell you what, do me a favour, then, I'll do that,
but I'm going to be short now, can you put that finger in that ear?
It's not my ears that get affected. It's actually my penis.
I'm going to have to hold my penis. You know like,
that security blanket of having to hold it? "Your Honour."
In fact, I'll do that, and you hold my penis.
LAUGHTER
"In court, the comedian Lee Mack's defence was that he has to
"clutch his penis when he's scared."
LAUGHTER
Vowel, consonant, vowel.
O, P, U
Hold my ear, please. Consonant.
R Vowel.
O Consonant.
There's too many O's.
B Vowel.
E OK, time for the Tension Round.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold my ear. Hold my ear.
I'm not holding your ear.
Double points for anything you get in this round. Your time starts now.
LOUD TENSE MUSIC Argh! I don't like it!
KLAXON BLARES
Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!
Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That wasn't too bad, was it, Lee?
What?
Does it stop eventually, the ringing?
How did you do? How many letters?
Well, I've got a very appropriate one, actually. Five letters.
Five letters. POOER.
Is that a word, Susie?
Er... Course it is. Is poo a word? Poo is in.
Well, who's doing all the pooing?
LAUGHTER
There's no POOER. Course there's a POOER.
To poo, it's a verb, right?
Tell me who's doing the pooing and we can move on.
The pooist. The pooist? The pooist?
OK, Munya, how many? I got six.
You got six, OK. Jon, how many?
Yeah, six. Harriet? Six.
Harriet, what's your six?
BOOGER. BOOGER?
You get up your nose. A BOOGER.
And just so you know, Susie, if it's not in, I want to know
who's been doing all the booging.
Yes, it's in.
BOOGER. Oh.
APPLAUSE
Jon, your six?
I had BOOGER also.
And, Munya, your six?
I got PROBED, which is how I got the BOOGER.
I mean there was an even better one there which is GOPROBED,
which is where they put a GoPro into...
Those are double points because it's the Tension Round.
TENSE MUSIC
So that's 12 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
David, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah.
Susie found a good seven-letter word. Which was?
Well, just GROUPED. So at the end of that,
Lee and Munya are in the lead with 29 points.
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner. What have you got for us,
David O'Doherty? I think what I might have here,
I think it's fair to say, Susie,
it could be the greatest tale ever told,
and like many of the great tales it takes place in Norwich.
I did a gig there and the guy in the front row,
he works in the zoo, I just had one question for him,
"What's the best thing that's ever happened in your zoo?"
And he doesn't even pause to think, he just says,
"A capuchin monkey escaped on the back of a goose."
So in the zoo outside Norwich the monkeys live on Monkey Island
and there's a sort of a Shawshank Redemption monkey
with a taste for freedom, and he befriends a goose
that lives in the waters off Monkey Island and on this particular day
the wind must be blowing in the right direction
cos the monkey beckons the goose onto the island,
and suddenly he sprints towards the goose
and jumps on his back and screams in his ear,
"Fly, you flappy prick." I don't know what he said,
it was something like that. And get this,
the goose starts to flap, and five flaps in,
they actually take off.
There's a school group watching from the mainland of the zoo
and they can't bel... They get the zookeeper over and they're like,
"Sorry, see that? Is that common?" And the zookeeper says,
"No, that's the best thing that's ever happened
"in the history of nature and aviation."
But 15 flaps in, physics starts to kick in
and the goose starts to list to the side,
and the monkey holds on as long as he can till he can't,
and then he just falls and lands, slams against the ground,
and the zookeeper rushes over and lovingly picks him up and says,
"He's actually fine, they have thick skulls from falling out of trees,
"he'll be grand in an hour," and just puts him in a boat
and rows him back to Monkey Island.
An hour later the monkey wakes up and he's like, "Freedom!
"Tsk! Ah, shit."
And that's the best metaphor for Brexit I've ever heard.
Wow. David O'Doherty, everyone. And here is your final teaser.
The words are FINALTUG, the clue is, this isn't working.
That's FINALTUG, this isn't working. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were FINALTUG,
the clue was, this isn't working, it was, of course, FAULTING. OK,
time for our final letters game. Lee, Munya, your turn to choose.
What do you want, Munya? I would love at least two vowels.
A, and U
Can I have a consonant, please?
Z Oh, good, a Z to go with the U.
Stick another consonant in, there might be a Q sneaking in there.
S I'll have a consonant.
T Let's have another vowel.
E Let me get a D.
B, that'll do. I'll give you B I'll take that. I can give you B
And then another one of them. T
You've got to get a vowel in there now.
If you could give me an O right now
I will add you on LinkedIn.
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's an O Oi. There we go.
OK, and while you're doing that I'm going to listen to my voicemails.
Your time starts now.
You have two new messages.
Hi, Jimmy. Rachel Riley here.
Um, I just wanted to say sorry for calling you a disgusting pervert
who wears cheap suits.
I've thought about it and, well, they're not that cheap, are they?
LAUGHTER
Hi, Jimmy, it's Joe Wilkinson here. I'm just doing a skydive,
but I've got a horrible feeling I've left my parachute in your hallway,
so can you check for me?
If you're there, pick up cos it's pretty urgent.
SPLAT!
LAUGHTER Delete.
- Lee, how many? - Talk to someone else, - I'm busy. - Munya, how many?
It's a five for me, Jimbob. Harriet? Five.
Five, OK. Jon.
A six. OK, Harriet, let's go to your five.
Er, BEAUT. BEAUT?
As in, AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Ah, yeah, what a beaut"? Yeah.
Er, wait, BEAUTS. If you're going to start doing Australian words
I'm going to start doing Zimbabwean words, and trust me,
there's a lot of letters that go in Zimbabwean words.
ZOTBEAUTS I imagine is... That's my cousin. Yeah, yeah.
I haven't declared yet. Oh, go on, how many?
Six. What a fucking surprise. Have a guess what it is, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER
BEAUTS. I can't believe you used my word against me.
Well, it's your word against mine.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Don't clap.
Munya, what's your five? I got BOAST. BOAST? Hm-mm.
Jon, your six? ASTUTE.
Yeah. Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
David, Susie, could they have done any better?
Susie's found a seven-letter word,
I'm imagining it's of French extraction, BATTUES.
It's all about the beaters driving the game towards the hunters.
So, Jon and Harriet have 33, Lee and Munya have 35.
High points, actually.
So, fingers on buzzers.
Time for our Crucial Countdown Conundrum. Your time starts now.
BELL Oh, sorry...
I thought the answer was COUNTDOWN.
LAUGHTER
BELL
Is it PENDULUM?
No.
LAUGHTER
What do you mean is it PENDULUM? I'm...
How are you spelling PENDULUM? Bro, I never said, it was this guy.
Restart the clock.
BUZZER AND BELL
Well, well, well.
LAUGHTER
Who buzzed in? I did. I did. Jon? Jon?
PLUMMETED. I think I'm right.
Jon, you're saying PLUMMETED. Let's take a look.
APPLAUSE
The scores are Munya and Lee have a very respectable 35
and Jon and Harriet have 43. Congratulations, Jon and Harriet,
you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown Rug.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media