1 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,000 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:35,440 Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, 4 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,320 Rob Beckett, 5 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,680 Sarah Millican, 6 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,680 Jamali Maddix, 7 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,760 Joe Wilkinson, 8 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,320 Glenn Moore, 9 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,040 Susie Dent, 10 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:49,120 Rachel Riley 11 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:50,200 and your host, 12 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,200 Jimmy... 13 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,920 Carr! 14 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,400 EXCITED APPLAUSE 15 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,200 Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - 16 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,200 a show about letters, numbers and conundrums. 17 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,480 OK, let's meet tonight's players. 18 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,040 First up, we have team captain Sarah Millican. 19 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 20 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,200 Sarah is from South Shields. 21 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,400 I'm not saying it's an unhealthy place to grow up 22 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,440 but when kids there learn the alphabet they're told, 23 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,480 A is for a bag of chips. 24 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,080 SHE LAUGHS 25 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,440 B, is for bag of chips and C is for chips. 26 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,920 Yeah. 27 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,720 And Sarah's teammate, Jamali Maddix. 28 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,280 APPLAUSE 29 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,880 Jamali says he's had a few near-death experiences 30 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,600 and looking at him, those were the closest shaves he's ever had. 31 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,280 LAUGHTER 32 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,680 Oh, brother, I hate how much I enjoyed that. 33 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,440 LAUGHTER 34 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,320 Up against them this evening is team captain Rob Beckett. 35 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:48,040 CHEERING 36 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,840 Last year Rob took part in ITV's Who Do You Think You Are? rip-off show 37 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,040 DNA Journey, where he discovered he was 40% cockney 38 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,360 and 60% Shire Horse. 39 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,520 LAUGHTER 40 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,320 Interesting fact - downstairs is the Shire Horse. 41 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:07,720 LAUGHTER 42 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,120 Have you got massive teeth down there as well? Yeah. 43 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,480 LAUGHTER 44 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,640 And joining Rob tonight, it's Joe Wilkinson. 45 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,600 CHEERING Joe's here. 46 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,160 Joe Wilkinson gets recognised in the street a lot. 47 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,160 People often say, "That's him, Officer." 48 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,920 LAUGHTER 49 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,320 Rob, apparently you recently moved house. Did it go OK? 50 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,400 Awful. Just wherever you are, just die there. 51 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,920 It's not worth the stress. 52 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,360 The amount of hairy arse cracks I saw in the removal men 53 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,720 will haunt me. 54 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,840 We couldn't find the cat, it's still at the old place. 55 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,080 This is genuine, the cat doesn't live with us any more. 56 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,160 it's with the new people who bought the house. 57 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,080 But we've left the bag to put him in to bring him to us. 58 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,600 But every time, he knows what's happening. 59 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,400 He thinks he's going to the vet's, so he's not having it. 60 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,600 I've moved to the countryside 61 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,560 and I'm having to drive through little country lanes. 62 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,360 All I do all day is pull in. 63 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,840 It's just pulling in if you live in the countryside. Good, innit? 64 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,040 It's terrible. We had no Wi-Fi for the first week 65 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,120 and I thought I might as well just kill myself. 66 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,200 LAUGHTER 67 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,400 I can't live like this. We hadn't been connected up 68 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,880 cos you have to contact Openreach, which is a disaster zone. 69 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,680 Have you ever had to deal with...? Now I feel like I'm ranting on LBC, 70 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,120 but you asked the question. 71 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,400 Yeah, we've moved in and we love it there, feels like home. 72 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,600 LAUGHTER 73 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,240 Sarah, have you got any unusual habits when you're on tour? 74 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,920 Well, I read an interview with Beyonce 75 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,080 where she talked about what hers were 76 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,680 and one of the things that she likes to do 77 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,400 is she says a prayer with all of her band 78 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,200 and then she has a bit of quiet time on her own. 79 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,440 And I'm the same, but it's a limerick and I go for a shit. 80 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,280 LAUGHTER 81 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,320 What's the limerick? 82 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,880 I haven't been on tour for a while so I might not remember all of it. 83 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,840 There was an old woman called Mabel 84 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,640 Who liked to have sex on a table 85 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,520 Duh-duh-duh, der, duh-did-did-de-der 86 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,920 Put your balls in as well If you're able. 87 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,280 LAUGHTER 88 00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,880 I don't remember the middle bit. 89 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,240 OK. Joe, have you done any unusual jobs in the past? 90 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,760 Er, oh, yeah, I used to be a wedding photographer. 91 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,520 Really? Yeah, yeah, but it's a crowded market, as you know. 92 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,520 So, erm, to differentiate myself 93 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,840 I specialised in only photographing jilted brides. 94 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,920 LAUGHTER 95 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,880 I'd take all the same photos as, er, like, a happy couple, 96 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,560 only difference is she's stood on her own 97 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,640 and she's usually got the right hump. 98 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,320 So it was quite hard to get her to sort of pose 99 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,600 for some of the more traditional photos, you know like, 100 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,480 "Would you mind gazing into where his eyes would have been?" 101 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,960 LAUGHTER 102 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,400 Jamali, what were you like at school? 103 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,480 Were you a good kid, were you a rebel? 104 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:45,320 No, I was bad. I think I was the worst... I was fat with energy, 105 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,960 which is the worst combination of child. 106 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,120 Big but energetic? No, not big, like, I was huge. 107 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,720 Really? Yeah, I was, like, six foot when I was, like, ten. 108 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,280 Like, I weighed a stone when I was born. 109 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,960 I see it in your eyes. Talk about my mum's vagina 110 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,000 when I've come here for a lovely day. 111 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,080 LAUGHTER 112 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,360 I can see it coming cos I could see the Rolodex and you were like, 113 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,320 "All right." Now I'm shutting that down. 114 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,360 Genuinely, he saw into my mind. 115 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,200 Have you got siblings? You the eldest? 116 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,640 Yeah, all of my sisters are like, five foot. 117 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,120 Wide? No. 118 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,840 All of them are small. 119 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,000 You just tower above them. 120 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,440 Yeah, yeah. My dad's five, seven, well... 121 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,480 Yes, he's my dad. 122 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,480 How does he do it? 123 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,120 LAUGHTER You're ready, aren't you? 124 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,840 Yeah, I'm ready, bruv. I've seen the shows, 125 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,720 well, I've seen the highlights and... 126 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,840 GIGGLING 127 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,240 You've been on this show. 128 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,720 Yeah. 129 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,320 LAUGHTER I was, innit? Shit. 130 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:45,680 That's amazing. 131 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,400 "I've seen this show." You've been on it. 132 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,560 At what stage did the beard come? 133 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,760 I was about 16. 134 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,280 I didn't get pubes until I was in my late teens, 135 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,600 so I just looked like a long baby. 136 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,040 LAUGHTER 137 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,640 I remember the exact point the first one appeared 138 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,440 and believe it or not, it was halfway up my willy. 139 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,880 And that is the God's honest truth. 140 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,040 The first one, down the side of my penis. 141 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,320 Ah. 142 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,360 I think if it's halfway up your dick is that considered a pube? 143 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,120 Well, I hope so because I celebrated like it was. 144 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,480 LAUGHTER 145 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,600 I wanted to wrap it up, so it didn't fall off, but it did. 146 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,480 Oh, you haven't still got that one? 147 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,240 In a locket. 148 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,320 LAUGHTER 149 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,240 Sarah, have you got a mascot? 150 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:36,680 Yes, I have got a mascot. 151 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,160 Because I feel like I need all the help I can get on a show like this, 152 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,440 I googled what foods you have to make your brain sort of alert 153 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,240 and because they're all disgusting, erm, 154 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,440 I didn't wanna eat them. 155 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,960 So, instead, I put them on a jacket. What have you got? 156 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,400 Wow. OK. And I thought maybe that would work 157 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,400 just to wear the foods that help your brain. 158 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,360 Wow. You look like you're going on a Just Stop Oil protest. 159 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,800 LAUGHTER 160 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,840 So, there's coffee on my right shoulder, as you can see. 161 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,800 Hold on. So, there's seeds. There's not as many nuts and seeds. 162 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,480 They're supposed to be good for your brain. 163 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,600 There's not as many cos I got attacked by pigeons on the way in. 164 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,240 It's brain food but you're not gonna eat it, you're gonna wear it. 165 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,280 It's all horrible. Fuck, me banana. 166 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,400 I might try and do it that way. 167 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,480 LAUGHTER 168 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,600 It's better. I think it's better. 169 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,920 APPLAUSE Yeah, nice. 170 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,000 I might not keep it on for too long cos it's warm in here. 171 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,800 It looks lovely though. And it stinks! 172 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,840 Sometimes you've gotta suffer for your fashion. 173 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,960 I've got an air freshener just to give it a little bit of a... 174 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,200 Ooh, sorry. 175 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,560 LAUGHTER That came out the top. 176 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,240 Oh, my God. Have you just maced Jamali? 177 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,280 It's quite a modern thing for it to come out the end - phoar. 178 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,240 There you go. LAUGHTER 179 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,600 SHE COUGHS Oh, God. 180 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,880 easyJet cabin crew's gone downhill. 181 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,440 Rob, what have you brought for good luck? 182 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,320 Well, do you know what I've brought, just for a bit of old school, 183 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,200 my teddy as a kid 184 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,360 cos sometimes it all gets a little bit too complicated. 185 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,080 I've gone, I wanna win this, we don't normally win, do we, Joe? 186 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,480 No. But he's been with me for, like, 38 years. 187 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,520 Does he have a name? 188 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,840 Erm, Bear. LAUGHTER 189 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,920 Yeah, it's just a bit of moral support, really. 190 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,840 It's quite a basic mascot, I've gotta say. 191 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,160 Yeah, but you can overthink it. OK. Jamali, have you got a mascot? 192 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,520 Yeah, erm... CAN OPENS 193 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,640 One sec. LAUGHTER 194 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,720 Sorry, carry on. Is there lager in your bear? 195 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,400 Are you allowed to drink on telly? 196 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,000 Yeah, I think so. Yeah? Susie's half-cut most of the time. 197 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,320 LAUGHTER 198 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,640 You put gin in there? Yup. 199 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,280 Erm, no, no, it's just a bear. 200 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,280 I got one for Joe as well to help him out. You did promise. 201 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,760 I got a mascot for you. 202 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,280 CAN OPENS Cheers, mate. 203 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,520 LAUGHTER 204 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,360 Now it looks like you're rimming a children's toy. 205 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,400 Do you need a mascot that's a better one? 206 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,680 I've got one if you want. Yeah, have you got a spare? Yeah, yeah. 207 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,920 LAUGHTER 208 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,080 But why's it got such a long neck? 209 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,480 There you go. 210 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,840 This feels really wrong. 211 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,680 I mean, I feel sorry, does anyone else need a mascot? 212 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,280 If you want, there's a... 213 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,840 LAUGHTER 214 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,880 Oh, that one really looks like you. 215 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,160 Yeah. 216 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,560 LAUGHTER 217 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,840 APPLAUSE 218 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,960 Feel free to send your cups down if anyone's thirsty. 219 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,240 Rob Beckett's bears, everyone. 220 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,760 APPLAUSE 221 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,240 Jamali, have you got a mascot? 222 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,320 I do have a mascot and, er, basically what happened was, 223 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,720 is I was like, I've got dyslexia and dyspraxia, 224 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,560 so, I was like let me use something that I can actually use. 225 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,520 So, basically what I got was, er, I got them to make me a, 226 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,040 an AI machine... 227 00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,320 GIGGLING 228 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,160 ...made from a low budget. 229 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,120 The AI Bot 3000, that's the very latest. 230 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,000 It's got this stuff that means that doesn't do anything. 231 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,040 I'm just gonna use this to help me, erm, get some answers. 232 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,520 So, how is this gonna help you exactly? 233 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,920 Apparently, it's gonna give me some answers or help me with answers. 234 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,160 I think it's giving you more questions, to be honest with you. 235 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,440 All right, excellent. And, Joe, have you got a mascot? 236 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,480 I do, yeah. As you probably know, I have very flaky skin 237 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,440 and, er, it comes off in big clumps, you'll know this. 238 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,080 ALL WINCE Yeah, yeah. 239 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,040 And every time it comes off I always think, 240 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,720 "Oh, it's such a shame to just throw it away." 241 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,760 Erm... Oh, God. What's your mascot? 242 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,520 When bits flake off, I've just started making them into 243 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,640 these lovely, er, bookmarks. 244 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,080 LAUGHTER 245 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,040 I can't remember what part of me flaked, 246 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,280 it was just that it was a balmy Tuesday, that's all I remember 247 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,680 and then I sell them in boot sales around Kent. 248 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,480 In the summer I really do get flaky, 249 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,280 so it's quite lucky cos I can then make some of these mouse mats. 250 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,920 LAUGHTER 251 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,880 Nice. You're holding that like we're in a fancy French restaurant. 252 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,840 Yeah, yeah, exactly. 253 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,320 Well, cos I wanna jazz it up cos I'm asking seven quid for those. 254 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,760 JAMALI LAUGHS 255 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,640 This one's got a nipple on it, so it doesn't really work. 256 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,600 LAUGHTER 257 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,720 See, I made a pouch for buttons. 258 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,280 And it comes with that on the back, it's got, er... 259 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,720 It's got some hair cos it came from my armpit. 260 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:35,760 Wow. 261 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,120 And then, do you remember we had that heatwave last summer? 262 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:39,160 I do, yeah. 263 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,680 I went to pieces, it came off in clumps 264 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,720 and, er, in the end I thought what am I gonna do with this? 265 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,720 So I ended up making myself this, erm, this lovely poncho. 266 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,680 CHUCKLING 267 00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,480 Oh, God. 268 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,680 What...? Sorry, what's that on the front of it? 269 00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:01,200 Oh, yeah, it's a tattoo of the TV show Lovejoy which I used to... 270 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,600 Absolutely. Which I used to have on my inner thigh. 271 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,600 I feel like a manta ray. 272 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,520 LAUGHTER 273 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,200 Joe Wilkinson, everyone... what's left of him. 274 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,840 APPLAUSE 275 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,760 Over in Dictionary Corner it's Glenn Moore. 276 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,120 APPLAUSE Hello. 277 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:21,920 Glenn is the answer to the question 278 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,240 what would it look like if Clare Balding went to Hogwarts? 279 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,320 LAUGHTER 280 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,160 We've never met. That's an insane way to talk to a stranger. 281 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,240 I'm sure strangers have said it before, haven't they? 282 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,000 It's your first time on the show. Tell us a bit about yourself. 283 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,800 Well, I'm a very busy man, Jimmy. 284 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,000 I've recently finished a long-term photography experiment 285 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,200 I was taking part in. 286 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,440 Basically, I took a photo of myself every single day 287 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,200 for two days. That's all I've got. 288 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,400 LAUGHTER 289 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,480 I've been very busy. I've been petitioning the EU. 290 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,920 I think Gibraltar should be renamed "Spain The Rock Johnson." 291 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,360 I've been up to loads. 292 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,840 And I left the job I used to have this year. 293 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,440 I used to be a roving reporter 294 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,200 and the last job I did for it 295 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,880 was I was on the red carpet for the National Voice Over Awards. 296 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,440 And I got to interview the guy that won the award 297 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,120 for best work in disguising a witness's voice on the news. 298 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,320 But proper A-list stuff, and I said to him, 299 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,920 "You must be delighted with your award." 300 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,000 He said, NASAL VOICE: "There were so many people to thank." 301 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,640 LAUGHTER 302 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,840 And with Glenn of course, it's Susie Dent. 303 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 304 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,640 I'm not saying Susie Dent's boring but when she was a little girl, 305 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,000 her imaginary friend faked her own death. 306 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,720 LAUGHTER 307 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,400 That's awful. That's so awful. 308 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,360 Susie, you do a lot of research. Have you ever used AI? 309 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,600 I decided to experiment a bit with ChatGPT 310 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:52,320 and so I typed in if could give me a good comeback to you. 311 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,120 Erm, and it said, 312 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,360 "When it comes to responding to an insult from Jimmy Carr, 313 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,400 "it's important to remember his style of humour 314 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,720 "is often sharp and quick-witted. 315 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,240 "Here's a light-hearted comeback 316 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,320 "that could playfully match his comedic tone." 317 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,240 Well, this sounds like it's gonna be great. 318 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,760 It is. LAUGHTER 319 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,880 "Oh, Jimmy, your insults are like a fine wine, 320 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,040 "they sting at first but then I realise they're just a bit sour 321 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:19,360 "and leave a bad aftertaste. Cheers to your unique charm." 322 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,440 LAUGHTER 323 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,360 APPLAUSE 324 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:30,520 Damn, you're gonna let her say that to you? Yeah, you're fucked. 325 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,600 And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley. 326 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 327 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,120 Rachel recently got an MBE from King Charles, 328 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,000 which I guess is better than getting an STD from Prince Andrew. 329 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,880 LAUGHTER 330 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,480 Rachel, what have you been up to recently? 331 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,960 I feel like all you do when you've got two little kids 332 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,480 is look after two little kids 333 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,960 and you have to put them to bed every night, 334 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,280 and it's quite boring 335 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,520 so I've started listening to audio books about espionage 336 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,160 and now I'm convinced that my husband is a secret spy. 337 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,120 So you think you're in a sleeper cell? 338 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,160 Yeah. 339 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,480 OK. 340 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,440 LAUGHTER 341 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,400 I'm a little bit sleep-deprived from the kids, 342 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,840 but it just makes sense. 343 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,480 You don't have to put them to bed. 344 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,680 They either find it or pass out on the sofa. 345 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,360 LAUGHTER 346 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,200 Social Services, if you're watching, 347 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,440 Rob's moved to the country. You'll never find him. 348 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,440 Also, take them for a couple of weeks. 349 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,840 JIMMY LAUGHS 350 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,320 You'll feel bad at the start, five hours in, you're going, 351 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,760 "Oh, this is lovely." Smashing through the recordings. 352 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,920 All right, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, 353 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:38,920 the Countdown Ping Pong Set. 354 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,320 WHOOPING 355 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,880 LAUGHTER There they go. 356 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,560 Good point. 357 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,200 APPLAUSE 358 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,720 It's that forearm. 359 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,240 Forgot the ball, didn't you? 360 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 361 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,640 OK, let's Countdown, everyone. It's time for your first game. 362 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,040 Er, Rob, Joe, you get to pick the letters. 363 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,480 Two vowels, please. Yup. 364 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,000 O and A. 365 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,840 Er, a couple of consonants, please. 366 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:21,520 I hate it when you don't try and spell a word at the top. And B, P. 367 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,240 Er, two more vowels. 368 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,960 You're messing with me. E, U. 369 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,840 Hold on, if we get an S we've got PUBES. 370 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,080 Oh, yes, please. LAUGHTER 371 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,480 Or SPUD. Let's go all consonants, then, try and find that S. 372 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,480 H, T. 373 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,840 Ah. A final... Oh. ..R. 374 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,880 Use the Lookalike Cam? We got this from the States, 375 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:46,240 they use it in big sports games. OK, Lookalike Cam. Your time starts now. 376 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,440 Who have we got? 377 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,760 That's a pretty good Susie Dent, that's not bad. 378 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,280 JOE MOUTHS 379 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,320 Leave it, leave it, Joe. 380 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,600 JOE MOUTHS 381 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,840 It's my uncle. Can we go back to that? 382 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,120 Can we go back to the Rob Beckett one? 383 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,480 Isn't that the pillow guy from The Apprentice? 384 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,960 LAUGHTER 385 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,560 Is it? It is, innit? 386 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,640 Hello, Tom. What's happening, how are ya? 387 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,320 LAUGHTER 388 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:02,080 Can I ask, just cos you guaranteed me on The Apprentice 389 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,760 that this time next year you'd be a millionaire... 390 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,040 Yeah. ..how's it going? 391 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,840 I got 500 quid for tonight, so. 392 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,960 LAUGHTER 393 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,480 That's a great answer, great answer, It all counts. 394 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,720 Who else, who else is getting paid? 395 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,560 LAUGHTER 396 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,040 Not me, mate, no. 397 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,560 All right, Rob, how many you got? 398 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,600 I got a six. 399 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:26,920 Six, OK. Joe? 400 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,440 I just wrote PUBE. 401 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,160 OK. Sarah, how many? 402 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,200 Six. 403 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,440 I've got seven. 404 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,720 Ooh. Rob, what's your word? 405 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,760 I've got BOTHER. 406 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,000 Sarah, your six. 407 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,160 BOATER, like a straw boater. 408 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,360 Yeah. Jamali, your seven. 409 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,720 Er, PROBATE as in probate. 410 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,240 Thanks for clearing that up. 411 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,440 I think it's got something to do with tax. 412 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,640 I don't want to discuss that. 413 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,920 There you go, my bad, that time. 414 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,800 It's about a will. OK, this was you or the AI Bot 3000? 415 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,760 This was, yeah, it was the machine. 416 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,680 So, what's happening now that he's just got this machine 417 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,400 and he's just being fed the answers? 418 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,040 Is this the future for us all essentially? 419 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,760 AI's gonna be taking over, yeah, I mean... 420 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,800 Well, shall we just declare the machine the winner 421 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,400 and we all just go home? 422 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,520 Yeah. We could also smash the studio up. 423 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,200 Watch AI try and fix that. 424 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:22,720 AI's gonna sort everything out until an actual job needs doing, 425 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,040 it's gonna do all the pretend jobs people do in offices. 426 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,960 But if you need to tarmac a drive, 427 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,840 your laptop's not gonna be like, "Here I go." 428 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,920 Like, walking towards it. 429 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,160 You've never tarmacked a drive, have you? 430 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,440 No. 431 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,360 Seven points to Jamali and Sarah. 432 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,000 APPLAUSE Fair play. Fair play. 433 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,200 Well done. We got away with it. 434 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,400 Glenn, Susie, could they have done any better? 435 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,920 They could have also matched it with OUTHEAR. 436 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,400 To hear better than anyone else. 437 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,040 OK, onto our first numbers round. 438 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,560 Sarah, Jamali, pick the numbers. 439 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,640 All big. 440 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,720 No. No? 441 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,320 No. I'm the team captain. You've got the AI Bot anyway. 442 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,360 Yeah, all big, the biggest we can get. 443 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,080 Let's see what this Bot can do. 444 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,120 OK, all small. 445 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,160 No! LAUGHTER 446 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,120 Chuck a couple of vowels in there for me. 447 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,600 LAUGHTER 448 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,120 HE CHUCKLES 449 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,040 A bit of both? A bit of both? All right, can we do this? 450 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,520 Can we pretend we're mixing it, but actually just do it all big? 451 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,480 LAUGHTER 452 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,800 I can give you four big. Yeah. And two little. 453 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,360 Look... No, there's only four big ones, Jamali. 454 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,800 What the fuck is this? We have to have two little ones. 455 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,400 Here we go. Of the little ones we've got 10 and 9. 456 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,760 And you're only allowed to use them once, ain't ya? Yeah. 457 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,680 50, 25, 458 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,800 100, 75. 459 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,240 And the target, 914. 460 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,920 And your time starts... 461 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:43,960 now. 462 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,120 Interesting bit of kit the AI Bot 3000, isn't it? 463 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:00,280 Not bad. 464 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,920 LAUGHTER 465 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,920 OK, so the target was 914. Did you get it, Rob? 466 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,440 Well, no. 467 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:25,360 {\an8}I got 900 and then I've just realised there's a 10, 468 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:27,160 so, I could have got ten closer. 469 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,200 Joe, did you get it? 470 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,040 I got 913. 471 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,560 Sarah, did you get it? No, 918, really far away. 472 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,600 Ah, guess who got really close to it? 473 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,720 Who got really close? You? 474 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:38,760 915. 475 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,000 I bet Rachel gets it. 476 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,680 Mm-hm. Jesus, what the fuck are you doing in there? 477 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,920 LAUGHTER 478 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:45,960 Is there someone in there? 479 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,160 No, it's an AI machine. 480 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,520 There's a person in that box. 481 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:51,840 Rob, there's no person. 482 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,200 That's human trafficking. 483 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,840 No. 484 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,360 That's not allowed. No, he gets well fed and homed. 485 00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,800 Did you genuinely get 913? 486 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,880 Yeah, I did. Go on, how did you get that? 487 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,600 9 x 100. 488 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,000 900. Plus 10. 489 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,240 910. 490 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,280 75 divided by 25. 491 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,560 Is 3, Yeah. Correct. Ah, well done. 492 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,360 Nice. One away. APPLAUSE 493 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,320 Jamali, how did you get 915? 494 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:20,560 Basically, I did 100 + 10, 495 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,680 times that by 9, 496 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,400 take away 75. 497 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,440 Yeah. 498 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,080 Seven points to both teams. 499 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,520 CHEERING 500 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,320 Rachel, show us how you got 914, 501 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,840 but try and just do it like it was difficult for you. 502 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,760 OK. Can we also say none of that brackets shit? 503 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,720 LAUGHTER 504 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:41,760 100... 505 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,360 Here comes the bracket. ..times 10. 506 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:48,320 1,000. Take away 75. 925. 507 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,000 Take away 9, 916. 508 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,720 And you've got 50 over 25 left, no brackets. 509 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,440 APPLAUSE 510 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,960 OK, so, Rob and Joe have seven points, 511 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,160 Sarah and Jamali have 14. 512 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,240 APPLAUSE 513 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,880 And here is your teaser. The words are MEDOCRAP 514 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,880 and the clue is, mine's bigger than yours. 515 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,400 That's MEDOCRAP, mine's bigger than yours. See you after the break. 516 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,680 APPLAUSE 517 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,760 APPLAUSE 518 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,240 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were MEDOCRAP, 519 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,000 the clue was mine's bigger than yours. 520 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,720 It was of course, COMPARED. 521 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,640 So, Sarah and Jamali are in the lead. 522 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,760 They've been playing in teams, but this game is just for Rob and Sarah. 523 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,320 It's team captain versus team captain. 524 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,000 Oh, God. OK, Sarah, your turn to choose. 525 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,160 Could I have a couple of vowels to start with, if that's all right? 526 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,320 A, O. 527 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,680 ♪ A-O. ♪ 528 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,240 A couple of consonants, please, Rachel. 529 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,800 S. K. 530 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,000 ♪ S-K. ♪ 531 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,040 LAUGHTER 532 00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,240 Two more consonants, please. 533 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,640 T. D. 534 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,520 Two more vowels, please. 535 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,400 Yeah, please. And one consonant. 536 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:06,680 I. E. 537 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,360 ♪ I-E. # I-E. 538 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,880 R. # R. # Thank you. 539 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,680 All right, I might do some Scottish dancing. 540 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,760 Erm, your time starts... 541 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:16,800 now. 542 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,560 BAGPIPES PLAY SCOTLAND THE BRAVE 543 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 544 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:54,520 Sarah, what have you got? 545 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,960 I've only got a five. 546 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,800 I've got a six. Although, hold on, hold on. 547 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,360 No, no, no. Jamali's not playing. I might have changed my mind. 548 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:01,880 No, no, you haven't. 549 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,040 I've got a five. 550 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,960 I've got a six. You've got a six. OK, Sarah, let's hear your five. 551 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,520 TIERS. Er, Rob, your six. 552 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:13,240 Er, I've got SOAKER. A SOAKER is absolutely fine. 553 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,680 Oh, you teased me there, Susie. 554 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,080 Yeah. 555 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,440 You looked like it weren't going to be in your book. 556 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,200 Dictionary, dictionary. What? Dictionary. 557 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,040 In the dictionary. Yes, in my... 558 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,120 LAUGHTER It is a book. 559 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,120 OK. Seven points to Rob. 560 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,640 APPLAUSE 561 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,000 It's difficult isn't it, winning? Really hard. Are we winning? 562 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,400 I wouldn't get carried away. 563 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,080 Yeah, but they've got some poor bloke stuck in a box 564 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,000 and still... Still losing to me. 565 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,240 You should be fucking ashamed of yourself! 566 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,400 LAUGHTER 567 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,680 I would normally ask if they could do any better, 568 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,760 but I think Rachel has beaten you to the punch. 569 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:51,080 Oh, ASTEROID. Oh, wow. That is good. Yeah. 570 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,560 There is another eight, Susie's written DORKIEST. Was that just to me? 571 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,040 No, it was to Jimmy. All right. 572 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,280 Do you mind me asking, Glenn, how old are you? 573 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,760 I'm 34. What did you think? 574 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,320 I was gonna say 55-year-old or 12. 575 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,640 No, he looks like, you know them massive 14-year-olds? 576 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,800 LAUGHTER 577 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,680 When you're on holiday and you see 'em come out the kids club - 578 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,640 "Who's that?" 579 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,160 But it's good, you look young. 580 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,840 Great. You don't wanna look young? I can still go to the kids club, I love a slide. 581 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:20,880 LAUGHTER 582 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,320 OK, so at the end of that Rob and Joe have 13, 583 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,920 Sarah and Jamali have 14. 584 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,840 We're still in it. We're still in it! 585 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,520 They've got a computer. 586 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,880 Let the games begin. It's time for Joe and Jamali to go head-to-head 587 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,040 with the numbers. Joe, your turn to pick. 588 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:37,960 OK, may I have... Yeah. ..er, whatever what you'd like 589 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,040 but 100 and a 10, please? 590 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,600 You can make ten out of these. 591 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,600 Nope, pop 'em back. 592 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,120 "Pop 'em back." Find a 10, find 100 593 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,960 and then enjoy the rest. You got 'em? 594 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,560 No. Keep looking. 595 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,280 LAUGHTER 596 00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:00,480 And if there's another big one, 50, I can't do anything with a 75. 597 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,480 LAUGHTER 598 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,400 You've got your 10. Bonus 10. Lovely, another ten. Keep going. 599 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,560 Oh, yes. 600 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,440 4. Yes, happy with that. 601 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,920 I like this. 7? A little bit pissed off but it's fine. 602 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,200 LAUGHTER 603 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,560 50. Lovely. 50, well played, well played. 604 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,440 100. Ah, and about 710. 605 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,760 LAUGHTER 606 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,560 Good luck, everyone. 938. Your time starts now. 607 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,600 4 x 7 is... 608 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,160 Let's think about this. 609 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,120 Let's think about this. 610 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,000 Don't rush me! 611 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:38,800 OK, I'm panicking now, I'm panicking. 612 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,960 Yeah, yeah, hold on, we're doing this. 613 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,680 Right, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. 614 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,360 Joe, did you get it? 615 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:56,640 Yep, bang on. 616 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,120 Jamali, did you get it? 617 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,280 I'm still working it out... I think you did. 618 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,440 Oh, I did. Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER 619 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,200 Yeah, I got it, I got close enough. 620 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:06,360 What did you get, Jamali? 621 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:09,760 Well, by myself I got 943, but with the Bot I got 940. 622 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,400 OK, Joe, how did you get it? 623 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,840 OK, so let's just throw 100 in. Enjoy ourselves. 624 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,760 That's a good start. You can still do it. 625 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,760 Times 10. That's a ten, right? 626 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:19,800 Yeah. Times 10. 627 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,680 The fact she paused there doesn't fill you with confidence, does it? 628 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,160 Minus 50. 629 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:25,640 If you want. 630 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,480 Minus ten. That's looking lovely. 631 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,320 Minus ten. What we got left, out of interest? 632 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:32,800 You've got 7 and 4 and you need to find 2. 633 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,440 OK, can you do that bit for me? 634 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:35,800 LAUGHTER 635 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,600 Jamali, how did you do it? How did you get 940? 636 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,680 10 x 100. Sounds like you're copying, mate. 637 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,760 Then take away 50. 638 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:45,920 Yeah. Oh, that seems pretty obvious, yeah. 639 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,040 And then add 7. Take away 4. 640 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:50,800 That's not 940. No, take away 7. 641 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,600 Take away 7. There's so many pieces of paper, I'm just confused. 642 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,920 He's out, he's out. He's blown it, he's blown it. 643 00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:00,840 No points to anyone and let's agree we drop the maths round in future. 644 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,520 No-one likes it. 645 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,160 APPLAUSE - Oh, what? - No-one's favourite bit. 646 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,280 Rachel, could it be done? 647 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,400 50 + 10 + 7 = 67. 648 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,920 No, no, no. 10 + 4 = 14. No, pack it in. 649 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,360 14 x 67 = 938. 650 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:20,520 Oh! It's that easy. It's that easy. APPLAUSE 651 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,600 OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner. 652 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,040 Glenn, what have you got for us? 653 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,200 Ah, well, I used to work as a journalist. 654 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,920 I used to sort of investigate various sorts of major figures 655 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,360 and so I found, over the course of my career, 656 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:36,720 lots of private diaries from famous people, historical figures 657 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,880 and just naturally did what everyone else would do 658 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,040 and just taken purely just the sexy bits. 659 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,240 Erm, so this is the new genre of erotic non-fiction, 660 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,240 erm, and this is the diary from Margaret Thatcher. 661 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:48,800 LAUGHTER 662 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:51,000 "The life of a prime minister is not a sexy one 663 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,080 "but let me tell you about an experience I had 664 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:56,720 "that explains why I was only getting four hours' sleep a night. 665 00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:58,800 "It was hard to date other MPs in the '80s, 666 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,440 "you couldn't send a dick pic or a scrota-graph... 667 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,480 LAUGHTER 668 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,560 "..you had to walk 20 miles every day to find hot singles in your area. 669 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,040 "We were always advised not to date other politicians. 670 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:13,040 "I was told not to by Dennis Denise from the Repetition Party Party. 671 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:16,160 "He said dating, dating an, an, MP, MP would, would be, be 672 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:19,080 "making, making, a, a serious, serious, boo-boo, boo-boo. 673 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,760 "But my eyes weren't on an MP. 674 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:23,800 "I'd gotten over my Michael Foot fetish 675 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,080 "and there was one international politician 676 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,520 "who was the talk of the Commons, President Ronald Reagan. 677 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,280 "Rumour had it that Reagan could undo a woman's bra 678 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,720 "with just one scissors. 679 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:35,640 LAUGHTER 680 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:37,640 "And also, like, you know that rumour 681 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:39,640 "that Prince had two ribs surgically removed 682 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,680 "so he could suck his own dick, 683 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:45,280 "apparently Reagan had two added just so he'd stop. 684 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,400 LAUGHTER 685 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,680 "He'd started sending me coded love letters in French, 686 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:53,880 "but I couldn't understand them, I don't know much French, 687 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,160 "I know it's not French mustard, it's called Dijon mustard, 688 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,920 "and I can say things in French like, 'I would like two baguettes,' 689 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,960 "but apparently that's still English. 690 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,080 "We were to meet on a Friday in the summer, 691 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:06,680 "a sunny day where you could see all the marigolds in bloom 692 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,560 "and all the Jeff Golds-in-blum. 693 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,440 JIMMY LAUGHS 694 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,760 "He was going to come to my bedroom at Number 10. 695 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:17,120 "I was terrified, I hadn't had a casual encounter like this 696 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,600 "since I'd been on my gap year backpacking around Surrey. 697 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:22,560 "I dragged him into Number 10 by his tie 698 00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,120 "and went to the bathroom to powder my arsehole. 699 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,800 "With confidence I walked out of that bathroom 700 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,400 "and we Dijon kissed. 701 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,400 "Ronald pulled away, flirting with me even more. 702 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,440 "'I'm not wearing any underwear', he said. 703 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,600 "'Why, did you shit yourself?' 704 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,600 LAUGHTER 705 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,520 "The conversation throughout was pretty scant. 706 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,440 "At one point I asked, 'How old are you?' '75', he said. 707 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:45,560 "'Good', I said, 'I hate "miners".' 708 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:51,720 "And with that we were at it again. 709 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:53,240 "Sex so damaging and destructive 710 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:55,560 "that the IRA claimed responsibility for it." 711 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,920 LAUGHTER 712 00:31:57,920 --> 00:31:58,960 APPLAUSE 713 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:03,240 Glenn Moore's erotic non-fiction. And here is your teaser. 714 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:07,400 The words are SNOGSTIP the clue is show me the way. 715 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,200 That's SNOGSTIP, show me the way. See you after the break. 716 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,120 APPLAUSE 717 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,720 APPLAUSE 718 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,480 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were SNOGSTIP, 719 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,400 the clue was show me the way. 720 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:34,200 It was of course, SIGNPOST. OK, before we go on, a quick bonus round. 721 00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,360 Playing Countdown can be incredibly stressful. 722 00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:39,480 We're gonna let the players chill out a bit with the Relaxation Round. 723 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,160 Ooh! 724 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,760 LAUGHTER 725 00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:45,480 Bring on the masseuses, please. 726 00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:47,280 Rob, how do you like to relax? 727 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:50,080 Well, I've started gatecrashing funerals... 728 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:51,960 LAUGHTER 729 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:53,920 ...cos it's very quiet and chilled out, 730 00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:57,360 a free bit of food and no-one checks your invite. 731 00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:58,560 Oh, hello. 732 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,880 That's quite nice actually. I don't like mine. 733 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,160 This is great. Sarah, what do you find relaxing? 734 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:07,520 Er... JOE: Oh, fuck off! 735 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,680 I... Relax, you'll enjoy it then. 736 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:11,840 I'm sure you're a nice fella but your thumb, 737 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,160 I just wanna tear it off. 738 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,400 Ow, you... Sorry, Sarah. I forgot what you asked, 739 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,360 I'm having a small orgasm. 740 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:20,400 Arsehole. 741 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,040 Joe, is this the first time you've been touched by another human? 742 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:28,520 I feel like that thumb went inside me. Oh, that's good. Ow. 743 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,960 Are you trying to get his PIN number off him? I feel I'm being attacked. 744 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,040 Oh, this is so nice. Why don't we do this every show, Jimmy? 745 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:38,480 We should run a relaxation special. This is lovely, I'm gonna turn round in a minute. 746 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:40,080 Joe, what...? 747 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,200 Joe, what makes you relaxed? 748 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,200 Ah! Well, I think ours are a bit harder. 749 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:50,360 It's actually hurting now. It was quite nice at the start. 750 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:53,600 This guy's got metal thumbs. 751 00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:56,680 Oh, my God. Are we allowed to punch 'em? 752 00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,880 What the fuck? Get away from me. 753 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,320 What the fuck?! 754 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,280 You're an absolute monster. Oh, my God. 755 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:11,720 Joe, hands down. We have to do that again for the camera. 756 00:34:11,720 --> 00:34:13,400 What do you mean? 757 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,400 No, we have to. I'm just gonna say it, fuck the programme. 758 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,800 Hands on the desk, we have to do that again. 759 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,360 Honestly I... We have to. I'm not even joking, I may shit. 760 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:25,960 It's so horrible! 761 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:30,480 Jamali, you doing OK? 762 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:31,960 I don't know. 763 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,640 Ah! I get what you're saying though, 764 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,760 it does make you wanna do a shit, innit? Yeah. 765 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,360 OK, Joe, could you pick the letters? 766 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:44,000 Nine of the fuckers, just move, move. 767 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:46,760 N. Have we really got to play while...? 768 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,200 You've gotta play while this is happening. 769 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,400 A. Oh, my God. N, A, these are good. 770 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:52,200 G. N, A, G. 771 00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,560 I. I'm gonna sit up for a bit. Go on, move on. 772 00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:58,280 C. Oh, they're really strong. N. Is this like a deep tissue? 773 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,560 Ah. U. My guy's just pinching me. 774 00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:03,040 E. 775 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:04,800 I'm having a lovely time. 776 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:06,560 And F. OK, and your time starts... 777 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:07,920 Argh! 778 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:12,480 What was that, Rob? What was that? 779 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,200 I was... Aargh! 780 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:18,120 OK, it's time now for the Countdown Relaxation Round. 781 00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,240 Your time starts now. 782 00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:22,400 RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS 783 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,760 Ooh, breathe. 784 00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,440 Breathe again. 785 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:28,480 Keep breathing. 786 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,720 Aargh! You son of a...! 787 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,920 Ooh. Relax. 788 00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:39,240 Relax. 789 00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:41,520 Ooh! Relax. This is really hard. 790 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,880 Oh, God, it's so hard to concentrate. 791 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:45,920 Relax! 792 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,120 JOE MOANS 793 00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:52,120 Ooh. I can't... Relax. 794 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,840 Well, I like the fact that we've got the massage guns out now. 795 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,000 Down? No. 796 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:01,920 Well, it's... Oh, bloody hell. 797 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:03,480 It goes faster than that. 798 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,880 Urgh. Well, I've got a similar thing at home. 799 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,640 What's it like using a smaller one? 800 00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:12,960 LAUGHTER 801 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,640 You know it doesn't matter the size, Rob. 802 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,720 No, just as long as it's got 15 speed settings. 803 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,360 Yeah, look at that. 804 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,240 Ooh. Jamali, do you need him to stop? No, I'm all right, man. 805 00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:23,840 OK, all right. So, Joe, how many? 806 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:25,040 Two. 807 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,160 Rob, how many? Four. 808 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,280 A four. Sarah? 809 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,720 LAUGHTER 810 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:34,520 I've got a tricky five. 811 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:36,560 A tricky five. Jamali, how many? 812 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,320 I forgot to cheat, so, four. 813 00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:41,440 All right. So what's your two? 814 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:42,640 UN. 815 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,960 LAUGHTER 816 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,480 Rob, your four? 817 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:47,520 GAIN. 818 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:48,600 Ugh. GAIN. 819 00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,600 My guy is so strong. 820 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:53,760 I know. He could snap my neck and kill me if he wanted. 821 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:55,520 I'll give you 200 quid. 822 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:00,200 I'll give you 210 not to. 823 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:01,840 Sarah, what's your five? 824 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:03,800 - Erm, it's a tricky five. - Go on. WHIRRING 825 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,880 You know when people...? I'm sorry, it's really loud, isn't it? 826 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:10,240 Sarah, can I ask a question? It's gonna help me in my married life. 827 00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:13,000 Do nipples need to be vibrated on, is that a thing? 828 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:15,520 Well, I didn't know until tonight, but, yes, they do, flower. 829 00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:18,480 Big recommend. 830 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:21,800 You know when somebody's smoking and they're not supposed to be. 831 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:23,320 Mm-hm. And they quickly hide it, 832 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,640 like magic, but with an F, FAGIC. 833 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:28,360 This is outrageous. 834 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:31,920 It's not, it's fucking amazing. I can't take my eyes off it. 835 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:36,040 I know we're on TV but Sarah's actually putting that on her vagina. 836 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,720 Have you got any wet wipes? 837 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,880 Gee, this is filth. You see, this is the same as I'm like at home, 838 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:49,280 I never do any of the lower levels. You just go straight to full on! 839 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,040 It's on six. FAGIC's not a word. FAGIC is not a word. 840 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:55,120 What's your four, Jamali? Thanks for checking though. NANG. 841 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,160 NANG? Yeah. Is NANG in there, is NANG there? 842 00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,720 NANG? Oh, it's not in the printed dictionary, 843 00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:03,120 but it's definitely in the online dictionary. 844 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,200 I think I might have won that round and... 845 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,160 I can't believe we're still here. 846 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,440 All it needs is two people to be sort of physically abused 847 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:13,720 and a woman to use a vibrator and I can win. 848 00:38:13,720 --> 00:38:14,920 Four points to Rob. 849 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,760 GAIN! APPLAUSE 850 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,200 Amazing. OK, Glenn, Susie, what could they have had? 851 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:26,680 Er, for seven they could have had FENCING or FINANCE. 852 00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:27,720 Wonderful. 853 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:30,400 At the moment I can tell you that Sarah and Jamali have 14, 854 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:32,160 Joe and Rob have 17. 855 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,000 APPLAUSE We won. 856 00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:37,880 OK, time to go again to Dictionary Corner. 857 00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:39,360 Glenn, what have you got for us? 858 00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,800 Thanks. I've got here the diary of King Henry VIII. 859 00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:45,280 "Dear Diary, I've had a chequered history of relationships. 860 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,640 "My love life famously goes divorce, beheaded, died, 861 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:49,800 "divorced, beheaded and that's it so far. 862 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,800 "Well, I found romance in the most unexpected of places last night 863 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,280 "in the kitchens of Hampton Court. 864 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,200 "A scullery maid Brenda was toiling away 865 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,440 "and something about her immediately caught my eye. 866 00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:00,400 "I fired out the regal chat-up lines. 867 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:01,720 "Hey, gal, you must be tired 868 00:39:01,720 --> 00:39:04,120 "because I make you work 19-hour days. 869 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:06,640 "I asked her what she was cooking, 870 00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,320 "'It's your favourite, loads.' 871 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,000 LAUGHTER 872 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,600 "God, she really was the best thing since an intact loaf of bread. 873 00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:21,160 "A perfect mouthful of teeth - three. 874 00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,080 "Skin as white as milk, 875 00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:25,560 "smell as smell as milk. 876 00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,400 "Could a King really romance a pauper? I decided to go for it. 877 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,440 "Before you knew it we were getting down and dirty. 878 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,680 "We did it everywhere, bedroom, maze, the gift shop. 879 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:35,920 "At first... LAUGHTER 880 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,240 "At first, Brenda looked perturbed at seeing my naked form. 881 00:39:38,240 --> 00:39:40,560 "I couldn't help but see her uneasily looking at my groin. 882 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,960 "'Apologies', I said, 'I'm a little rough around the edges 883 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,280 "'and I wear a little ruff around the edges.' 884 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,080 "I asked her to allow me to freshen up, 885 00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:49,720 "which in these days involves trimming my beard 886 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:53,080 "and removing the bucket of shit from under my bed. 887 00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:55,280 "I realised what she'd been uneasily looking at, 888 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:57,520 "I had a genital piercing so good that my 889 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,680 "great-great-great-great-great- granddaughter's husband was named after it. 890 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:02,280 LAUGHTER 891 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:04,520 "Now, this being the Tudor period we didn't have condoms, 892 00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,960 "so, this heroin was really hurting my stomach. 893 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,240 "We relocated to the maze, running naked towards it. 894 00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:13,080 "She tastefully covered herself with a sheet, 895 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,360 "but it was a sheet of A4 paper so I could still see her tits. 896 00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:19,080 "Afterwards, I said longingly to her, 897 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:20,800 "if I could rearrange the alphabet. 898 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:24,040 "And she interrupted me and said, 'What's the alphabet?' 899 00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:26,520 "Just hours later we were at it again in the gift shop. 900 00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:29,280 "She suggested the position. 'Missionary?' I declined. 901 00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:31,760 "The church is quite difficult for me to talk about right now. 902 00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:35,680 "We had a wonderful time and not 20 minutes later 903 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:39,680 "but two minutes later, we lay exhausted on the gift shop floor. 904 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:41,760 "I had to clean myself up with a tea towel 905 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,800 "that had all my grandparents on it and the dates that they died. 906 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,200 "Diary, I've decided to see her again. 907 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,760 "I mean, when did a royal ginger sleeping with a normal person 908 00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,000 "have any insane fucking repercussions?" 909 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,240 LAUGHTER 910 00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:57,760 APPLAUSE Glenn Moore, everyone. 911 00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:02,440 And here is your final teaser. The words are OWNSDICK, 912 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:05,240 the clue is mine's blowing all over the place. 913 00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:08,400 That's OWNSDICK, mine's blowing all over the place. 914 00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:09,640 See you after the break. 915 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:11,240 APPLAUSE 916 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,720 APPLAUSE 917 00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,840 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were OWNSDICK, 918 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,040 the clue was mine's blowing all over the place. 919 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:31,560 It was of course, windsock. 920 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:35,880 OK, time for our final letters game. Sarah, Jamali, your turn to choose. 921 00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:39,960 Honestly, I don't care any more cos I feel so relaxed and aroused. 922 00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:43,800 Erm, do you wanna pick... Yeah. ...so, I can just? All right. 923 00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:45,680 Do you want a cigarette? 924 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:47,640 I don't even smoke, but I really do. 925 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,560 I normally have a KitKat after. 926 00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,120 What would you like, Jamali? You choose, flower. 927 00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,360 All right, can we have...? How many letters do we get? 928 00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:57,560 9. 9. I mean, famously nine. 929 00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:00,200 He's not been on the show before, remember? Yes, he has. 930 00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:03,760 Let me get six vowels. 931 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,360 I mean, you're only allowed five. 932 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:08,200 I'm only allowed five? Yeah. Well, give me five then, shit. 933 00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:10,600 Are we having five vowels? 934 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:14,000 Yeah. I, O, I. I don't know what a vowel is. 935 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,280 A, E. 936 00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:17,000 And the rest, consonants. 937 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,160 N, L, W. 938 00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:21,120 Oh, my God, oh, my God. S. 939 00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:24,400 OK, I might just look at TikTok, Your time starts now. 940 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,800 {\an8}So, today's word of the day is cock. 941 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,360 It annoys me when people on TikTok 942 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,560 {\an8}accuse me of being too close to the camera. What you on about? 943 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:48,640 Look at him over there. 944 00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:51,320 "Oh, I'm Jimmy Carr, I wear stupid suits 945 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:54,560 "and I've got a stupid laugh." Such a cu... 946 00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,960 LAUGHTER 947 00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:58,000 Sarah, how many? 948 00:42:58,000 --> 00:42:59,160 Only five, Jimmy. 949 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:00,280 Jamali, how many? 950 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:01,320 Three. 951 00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,760 Have you written cat? No, I haven't written cat. 952 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:05,600 It looks like you've written cat on the paper. 953 00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,400 Well, you know, maybe you should mind your fucking business. 954 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:09,480 LAUGHTER 955 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,800 Maybe you should worry about your own fucking cat. 956 00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:16,600 APPLAUSE 957 00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:20,680 Er, Joe, how many? I've got as close as you can get to a nine. 958 00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:25,080 What have you got? I've got a five. 959 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:26,200 LAUGHTER 960 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:27,640 OK. Er, Rob, how many? 961 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:31,360 Five. Five, OK. Erm, so, Jamali, what's your three? 962 00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:35,360 He wrote cat in capitals, massive and I don't know why. 963 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,000 Has your AI Bot broken down? 964 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:39,320 Yeah. 965 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:43,800 Are you taking the fucking piss? Get out! 966 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:45,520 Come on. Get out. The electricity ran out. 967 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,000 Get out. The electricity ran out. 968 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,560 Get out of the goddamn AI Bot. 969 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:51,560 For goodness' sake. It's fucking Mr Motivator. 970 00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:54,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 971 00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,320 All right? 972 00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:58,120 Yay! 973 00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:00,760 But I've given you all the answers all night. 974 00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:02,280 Yeah, but then you started doing cat. 975 00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:04,040 As your daddy, right... 976 00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:07,720 ...I'm disappointed in you. 977 00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:10,600 Mr Motivator, everyone. 978 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:14,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 979 00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:19,040 OK, Sarah, your five. 980 00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:21,120 WAILS or LEANS. 981 00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,200 That's good. That's really good. What's your five? 982 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:24,480 Mine's LOINS. 983 00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:27,760 Sarah Millican had the vibrating gun in her loins. 984 00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:29,760 To be honest, I've got a lot of thigh 985 00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:32,360 and it was just, like, hitting the thighs and rattling up. 986 00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:36,840 I can attest to that, it was shaking the side of my chair. 987 00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:40,080 You know in Jurassic Park when the...? 988 00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,640 Your drink just... 989 00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:45,760 Joe, your five. 990 00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:49,080 I had LOINS as well cos I copied Rob. 991 00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:52,120 Five points to both teams. 992 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:53,920 APPLAUSE 993 00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:57,120 Glenn, Susie, could they have done any better? 994 00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:59,360 They could have done, they could have had LIAISON. 995 00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:01,040 No. And they could have had INWALES. 996 00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:04,840 So, Sarah and Jamali have 19, Joe and Rob have 22. 997 00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:07,240 You know what that means. APPLAUSE 998 00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:10,760 Oh, it's exciting. OK, all right, fingers on buzzers. 999 00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:13,360 Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum. 1000 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:19,600 BELL RINGS 1001 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:20,920 Oh, no. PROTRACTOR. 1002 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:22,560 Not even close. 1003 00:45:25,880 --> 00:45:26,880 I love them. 1004 00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:29,360 I can't do these. I'm shit at these. 1005 00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:34,720 Is it just PROOCRATE? 1006 00:45:34,720 --> 00:45:36,120 No. 1007 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,800 You love them? I like them. It's sort of my favourite kind of gig. 1008 00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:41,440 BELL RINGS Ooh! No, I've got it. 1009 00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:42,640 BUZZER 1010 00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:44,040 Is it CORPORATE? 1011 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:45,320 Let's have a look. 1012 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:48,640 Joe Wilkinson got the conundrum. 1013 00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:54,240 So, the final scores are, Sarah and Jamali have 19, 1014 00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:57,320 Rob and Joe are the winners with 32 points. 1015 00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:01,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1016 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:02,960 Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this, 1017 00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:05,000 the Countdown Ping Pong Set. 1018 00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:06,840 WHOOPING 1019 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:09,160 Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience 1020 00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:12,280 and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight. 1021 00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:15,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1022 00:46:36,720 --> 00:46:38,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media