This programme contains strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
Rob Beckett,
Sarah Millican,
Jamali Maddix,
Joe Wilkinson,
Glenn Moore,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host,
Jimmy...
Carr!
EXCITED APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown -
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, we have team captain Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sarah is from South Shields.
I'm not saying it's an unhealthy place to grow up
but when kids there learn the alphabet they're told,
A is for a bag of chips.
SHE LAUGHS
B, is for bag of chips and C is for chips.
Yeah.
And Sarah's teammate, Jamali Maddix.
APPLAUSE
Jamali says he's had a few near-death experiences
and looking at him, those were the closest shaves he's ever had.
LAUGHTER
Oh, brother, I hate how much I enjoyed that.
LAUGHTER
Up against them this evening is team captain Rob Beckett.
CHEERING
Last year Rob took part in ITV's Who Do You Think You Are? rip-off show
DNA Journey, where he discovered he was 40% cockney
and 60% Shire Horse.
LAUGHTER
Interesting fact - downstairs is the Shire Horse.
LAUGHTER
Have you got massive teeth down there as well? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
And joining Rob tonight, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING Joe's here.
Joe Wilkinson gets recognised in the street a lot.
People often say, "That's him, Officer."
LAUGHTER
Rob, apparently you recently moved house. Did it go OK?
Awful. Just wherever you are, just die there.
It's not worth the stress.
The amount of hairy arse cracks I saw in the removal men
will haunt me.
We couldn't find the cat, it's still at the old place.
This is genuine, the cat doesn't live with us any more.
it's with the new people who bought the house.
But we've left the bag to put him in to bring him to us.
But every time, he knows what's happening.
He thinks he's going to the vet's, so he's not having it.
I've moved to the countryside
and I'm having to drive through little country lanes.
All I do all day is pull in.
It's just pulling in if you live in the countryside. Good, innit?
It's terrible. We had no Wi-Fi for the first week
and I thought I might as well just kill myself.
LAUGHTER
I can't live like this. We hadn't been connected up
cos you have to contact Openreach, which is a disaster zone.
Have you ever had to deal with...? Now I feel like I'm ranting on LBC,
but you asked the question.
Yeah, we've moved in and we love it there, feels like home.
LAUGHTER
Sarah, have you got any unusual habits when you're on tour?
Well, I read an interview with Beyonce
where she talked about what hers were
and one of the things that she likes to do
is she says a prayer with all of her band
and then she has a bit of quiet time on her own.
And I'm the same, but it's a limerick and I go for a shit.
LAUGHTER
What's the limerick?
I haven't been on tour for a while so I might not remember all of it.
There was an old woman called Mabel
Who liked to have sex on a table
Duh-duh-duh, der, duh-did-did-de-der
Put your balls in as well If you're able.
LAUGHTER
I don't remember the middle bit.
OK. Joe, have you done any unusual jobs in the past?
Er, oh, yeah, I used to be a wedding photographer.
Really? Yeah, yeah, but it's a crowded market, as you know.
So, erm, to differentiate myself
I specialised in only photographing jilted brides.
LAUGHTER
I'd take all the same photos as, er, like, a happy couple,
only difference is she's stood on her own
and she's usually got the right hump.
So it was quite hard to get her to sort of pose
for some of the more traditional photos, you know like,
"Would you mind gazing into where his eyes would have been?"
LAUGHTER
Jamali, what were you like at school?
Were you a good kid, were you a rebel?
No, I was bad. I think I was the worst... I was fat with energy,
which is the worst combination of child.
Big but energetic? No, not big, like, I was huge.
Really? Yeah, I was, like, six foot when I was, like, ten.
Like, I weighed a stone when I was born.
I see it in your eyes. Talk about my mum's vagina
when I've come here for a lovely day.
LAUGHTER
I can see it coming cos I could see the Rolodex and you were like,
"All right." Now I'm shutting that down.
Genuinely, he saw into my mind.
Have you got siblings? You the eldest?
Yeah, all of my sisters are like, five foot.
Wide? No.
All of them are small.
You just tower above them.
Yeah, yeah. My dad's five, seven, well...
Yes, he's my dad.
How does he do it?
LAUGHTER You're ready, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm ready, bruv. I've seen the shows,
well, I've seen the highlights and...
GIGGLING
You've been on this show.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER I was, innit? Shit.
That's amazing.
"I've seen this show." You've been on it.
At what stage did the beard come?
I was about 16.
I didn't get pubes until I was in my late teens,
so I just looked like a long baby.
LAUGHTER
I remember the exact point the first one appeared
and believe it or not, it was halfway up my willy.
And that is the God's honest truth.
The first one, down the side of my penis.
Ah.
I think if it's halfway up your dick is that considered a pube?
Well, I hope so because I celebrated like it was.
LAUGHTER
I wanted to wrap it up, so it didn't fall off, but it did.
Oh, you haven't still got that one?
In a locket.
LAUGHTER
Sarah, have you got a mascot?
Yes, I have got a mascot.
Because I feel like I need all the help I can get on a show like this,
I googled what foods you have to make your brain sort of alert
and because they're all disgusting, erm,
I didn't wanna eat them.
So, instead, I put them on a jacket. What have you got?
Wow. OK. And I thought maybe that would work
just to wear the foods that help your brain.
Wow. You look like you're going on a Just Stop Oil protest.
LAUGHTER
So, there's coffee on my right shoulder, as you can see.
Hold on. So, there's seeds. There's not as many nuts and seeds.
They're supposed to be good for your brain.
There's not as many cos I got attacked by pigeons on the way in.
It's brain food but you're not gonna eat it, you're gonna wear it.
It's all horrible. Fuck, me banana.
I might try and do it that way.
LAUGHTER
It's better. I think it's better.
APPLAUSE Yeah, nice.
I might not keep it on for too long cos it's warm in here.
It looks lovely though. And it stinks!
Sometimes you've gotta suffer for your fashion.
I've got an air freshener just to give it a little bit of a...
Ooh, sorry.
LAUGHTER That came out the top.
Oh, my God. Have you just maced Jamali?
It's quite a modern thing for it to come out the end - phoar.
There you go. LAUGHTER
SHE COUGHS Oh, God.
easyJet cabin crew's gone downhill.
Rob, what have you brought for good luck?
Well, do you know what I've brought, just for a bit of old school,
my teddy as a kid
cos sometimes it all gets a little bit too complicated.
I've gone, I wanna win this, we don't normally win, do we, Joe?
No. But he's been with me for, like, 38 years.
Does he have a name?
Erm, Bear. LAUGHTER
Yeah, it's just a bit of moral support, really.
It's quite a basic mascot, I've gotta say.
Yeah, but you can overthink it. OK. Jamali, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, erm... CAN OPENS
One sec. LAUGHTER
Sorry, carry on. Is there lager in your bear?
Are you allowed to drink on telly?
Yeah, I think so. Yeah? Susie's half-cut most of the time.
LAUGHTER
You put gin in there? Yup.
Erm, no, no, it's just a bear.
I got one for Joe as well to help him out. You did promise.
I got a mascot for you.
CAN OPENS Cheers, mate.
LAUGHTER
Now it looks like you're rimming a children's toy.
Do you need a mascot that's a better one?
I've got one if you want. Yeah, have you got a spare? Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER
But why's it got such a long neck?
There you go.
This feels really wrong.
I mean, I feel sorry, does anyone else need a mascot?
If you want, there's a...
LAUGHTER
Oh, that one really looks like you.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Feel free to send your cups down if anyone's thirsty.
Rob Beckett's bears, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Jamali, have you got a mascot?
I do have a mascot and, er, basically what happened was,
is I was like, I've got dyslexia and dyspraxia,
so, I was like let me use something that I can actually use.
So, basically what I got was, er, I got them to make me a,
an AI machine...
GIGGLING
...made from a low budget.
The AI Bot 3000, that's the very latest.
It's got this stuff that means that doesn't do anything.
I'm just gonna use this to help me, erm, get some answers.
So, how is this gonna help you exactly?
Apparently, it's gonna give me some answers or help me with answers.
I think it's giving you more questions, to be honest with you.
All right, excellent. And, Joe, have you got a mascot?
I do, yeah. As you probably know, I have very flaky skin
and, er, it comes off in big clumps, you'll know this.
ALL WINCE Yeah, yeah.
And every time it comes off I always think,
"Oh, it's such a shame to just throw it away."
Erm... Oh, God. What's your mascot?
When bits flake off, I've just started making them into
these lovely, er, bookmarks.
LAUGHTER
I can't remember what part of me flaked,
it was just that it was a balmy Tuesday, that's all I remember
and then I sell them in boot sales around Kent.
In the summer I really do get flaky,
so it's quite lucky cos I can then make some of these mouse mats.
LAUGHTER
Nice. You're holding that like we're in a fancy French restaurant.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Well, cos I wanna jazz it up cos I'm asking seven quid for those.
JAMALI LAUGHS
This one's got a nipple on it, so it doesn't really work.
LAUGHTER
See, I made a pouch for buttons.
And it comes with that on the back, it's got, er...
It's got some hair cos it came from my armpit.
Wow.
And then, do you remember we had that heatwave last summer?
I do, yeah.
I went to pieces, it came off in clumps
and, er, in the end I thought what am I gonna do with this?
So I ended up making myself this, erm, this lovely poncho.
CHUCKLING
Oh, God.
What...? Sorry, what's that on the front of it?
Oh, yeah, it's a tattoo of the TV show Lovejoy which I used to...
Absolutely. Which I used to have on my inner thigh.
I feel like a manta ray.
LAUGHTER
Joe Wilkinson, everyone... what's left of him.
APPLAUSE
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Glenn Moore.
APPLAUSE Hello.
Glenn is the answer to the question
what would it look like if Clare Balding went to Hogwarts?
LAUGHTER
We've never met. That's an insane way to talk to a stranger.
I'm sure strangers have said it before, haven't they?
It's your first time on the show. Tell us a bit about yourself.
Well, I'm a very busy man, Jimmy.
I've recently finished a long-term photography experiment
I was taking part in.
Basically, I took a photo of myself every single day
for two days. That's all I've got.
LAUGHTER
I've been very busy. I've been petitioning the EU.
I think Gibraltar should be renamed "Spain The Rock Johnson."
I've been up to loads.
And I left the job I used to have this year.
I used to be a roving reporter
and the last job I did for it
was I was on the red carpet for the National Voice Over Awards.
And I got to interview the guy that won the award
for best work in disguising a witness's voice on the news.
But proper A-list stuff, and I said to him,
"You must be delighted with your award."
He said, NASAL VOICE: "There were so many people to thank."
LAUGHTER
And with Glenn of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Susie Dent's boring but when she was a little girl,
her imaginary friend faked her own death.
LAUGHTER
That's awful. That's so awful.
Susie, you do a lot of research. Have you ever used AI?
I decided to experiment a bit with ChatGPT
and so I typed in if could give me a good comeback to you.
Erm, and it said,
"When it comes to responding to an insult from Jimmy Carr,
"it's important to remember his style of humour
"is often sharp and quick-witted.
"Here's a light-hearted comeback
"that could playfully match his comedic tone."
Well, this sounds like it's gonna be great.
It is. LAUGHTER
"Oh, Jimmy, your insults are like a fine wine,
"they sting at first but then I realise they're just a bit sour
"and leave a bad aftertaste. Cheers to your unique charm."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Damn, you're gonna let her say that to you? Yeah, you're fucked.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rachel recently got an MBE from King Charles,
which I guess is better than getting an STD from Prince Andrew.
LAUGHTER
Rachel, what have you been up to recently?
I feel like all you do when you've got two little kids
is look after two little kids
and you have to put them to bed every night,
and it's quite boring
so I've started listening to audio books about espionage
and now I'm convinced that my husband is a secret spy.
So you think you're in a sleeper cell?
Yeah.
OK.
LAUGHTER
I'm a little bit sleep-deprived from the kids,
but it just makes sense.
You don't have to put them to bed.
They either find it or pass out on the sofa.
LAUGHTER
Social Services, if you're watching,
Rob's moved to the country. You'll never find him.
Also, take them for a couple of weeks.
JIMMY LAUGHS
You'll feel bad at the start, five hours in, you're going,
"Oh, this is lovely." Smashing through the recordings.
All right, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown Ping Pong Set.
WHOOPING
LAUGHTER There they go.
Good point.
APPLAUSE
It's that forearm.
Forgot the ball, didn't you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's Countdown, everyone. It's time for your first game.
Er, Rob, Joe, you get to pick the letters.
Two vowels, please. Yup.
O and A.
Er, a couple of consonants, please.
I hate it when you don't try and spell a word at the top. And B, P.
Er, two more vowels.
You're messing with me. E, U.
Hold on, if we get an S we've got PUBES.
Oh, yes, please. LAUGHTER
Or SPUD. Let's go all consonants, then, try and find that S.
H, T.
Ah. A final... Oh. ..R.
Use the Lookalike Cam? We got this from the States,
they use it in big sports games. OK, Lookalike Cam. Your time starts now.
Who have we got?
That's a pretty good Susie Dent, that's not bad.
JOE MOUTHS
Leave it, leave it, Joe.
JOE MOUTHS
It's my uncle. Can we go back to that?
Can we go back to the Rob Beckett one?
Isn't that the pillow guy from The Apprentice?
LAUGHTER
Is it? It is, innit?
Hello, Tom. What's happening, how are ya?
LAUGHTER
Can I ask, just cos you guaranteed me on The Apprentice
that this time next year you'd be a millionaire...
Yeah. ..how's it going?
I got 500 quid for tonight, so.
LAUGHTER
That's a great answer, great answer, It all counts.
Who else, who else is getting paid?
LAUGHTER
Not me, mate, no.
All right, Rob, how many you got?
I got a six.
Six, OK. Joe?
I just wrote PUBE.
OK. Sarah, how many?
Six.
I've got seven.
Ooh. Rob, what's your word?
I've got BOTHER.
Sarah, your six.
BOATER, like a straw boater.
Yeah. Jamali, your seven.
Er, PROBATE as in probate.
Thanks for clearing that up.
I think it's got something to do with tax.
I don't want to discuss that.
There you go, my bad, that time.
It's about a will. OK, this was you or the AI Bot 3000?
This was, yeah, it was the machine.
So, what's happening now that he's just got this machine
and he's just being fed the answers?
Is this the future for us all essentially?
AI's gonna be taking over, yeah, I mean...
Well, shall we just declare the machine the winner
and we all just go home?
Yeah. We could also smash the studio up.
Watch AI try and fix that.
AI's gonna sort everything out until an actual job needs doing,
it's gonna do all the pretend jobs people do in offices.
But if you need to tarmac a drive,
your laptop's not gonna be like, "Here I go."
Like, walking towards it.
You've never tarmacked a drive, have you?
No.
Seven points to Jamali and Sarah.
APPLAUSE Fair play. Fair play.
Well done. We got away with it.
Glenn, Susie, could they have done any better?
They could have also matched it with OUTHEAR.
To hear better than anyone else.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sarah, Jamali, pick the numbers.
All big.
No. No?
No. I'm the team captain. You've got the AI Bot anyway.
Yeah, all big, the biggest we can get.
Let's see what this Bot can do.
OK, all small.
No! LAUGHTER
Chuck a couple of vowels in there for me.
LAUGHTER
HE CHUCKLES
A bit of both? A bit of both? All right, can we do this?
Can we pretend we're mixing it, but actually just do it all big?
LAUGHTER
I can give you four big. Yeah. And two little.
Look... No, there's only four big ones, Jamali.
What the fuck is this? We have to have two little ones.
Here we go. Of the little ones we've got 10 and 9.
And you're only allowed to use them once, ain't ya? Yeah.
50, 25,
100, 75.
And the target, 914.
And your time starts...
now.
Interesting bit of kit the AI Bot 3000, isn't it?
Not bad.
LAUGHTER
OK, so the target was 914. Did you get it, Rob?
Well, no.
I got 900 and then I've just realised there's a 10,
so, I could have got ten closer.
Joe, did you get it?
I got 913.
Sarah, did you get it? No, 918, really far away.
Ah, guess who got really close to it?
Who got really close? You?
915.
I bet Rachel gets it.
Mm-hm. Jesus, what the fuck are you doing in there?
LAUGHTER
Is there someone in there?
No, it's an AI machine.
There's a person in that box.
Rob, there's no person.
That's human trafficking.
No.
That's not allowed. No, he gets well fed and homed.
Did you genuinely get 913?
Yeah, I did. Go on, how did you get that?
9 x 100.
900. Plus 10.
910.
75 divided by 25.
Is 3, Yeah. Correct. Ah, well done.
Nice. One away. APPLAUSE
Jamali, how did you get 915?
Basically, I did 100 + 10,
times that by 9,
take away 75.
Yeah.
Seven points to both teams.
CHEERING
Rachel, show us how you got 914,
but try and just do it like it was difficult for you.
OK. Can we also say none of that brackets shit?
LAUGHTER
100...
Here comes the bracket. ..times 10.
1,000. Take away 75. 925.
Take away 9, 916.
And you've got 50 over 25 left, no brackets.
APPLAUSE
OK, so, Rob and Joe have seven points,
Sarah and Jamali have 14.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser. The words are MEDOCRAP
and the clue is, mine's bigger than yours.
That's MEDOCRAP, mine's bigger than yours. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were MEDOCRAP,
the clue was mine's bigger than yours.
It was of course, COMPARED.
So, Sarah and Jamali are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams, but this game is just for Rob and Sarah.
It's team captain versus team captain.
Oh, God. OK, Sarah, your turn to choose.
Could I have a couple of vowels to start with, if that's all right?
A, O.
♪ A-O. ♪
A couple of consonants, please, Rachel.
S. K.
♪ S-K. ♪
LAUGHTER
Two more consonants, please.
T. D.
Two more vowels, please.
Yeah, please. And one consonant.
I. E.
♪ I-E. # I-E.
R. # R. # Thank you.
All right, I might do some Scottish dancing.
Erm, your time starts...
now.
BAGPIPES PLAY SCOTLAND THE BRAVE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sarah, what have you got?
I've only got a five.
I've got a six. Although, hold on, hold on.
No, no, no. Jamali's not playing. I might have changed my mind.
No, no, you haven't.
I've got a five.
I've got a six. You've got a six. OK, Sarah, let's hear your five.
TIERS. Er, Rob, your six.
Er, I've got SOAKER. A SOAKER is absolutely fine.
Oh, you teased me there, Susie.
Yeah.
You looked like it weren't going to be in your book.
Dictionary, dictionary. What? Dictionary.
In the dictionary. Yes, in my...
LAUGHTER It is a book.
OK. Seven points to Rob.
APPLAUSE
It's difficult isn't it, winning? Really hard. Are we winning?
I wouldn't get carried away.
Yeah, but they've got some poor bloke stuck in a box
and still... Still losing to me.
You should be fucking ashamed of yourself!
LAUGHTER
I would normally ask if they could do any better,
but I think Rachel has beaten you to the punch.
Oh, ASTEROID. Oh, wow. That is good. Yeah.
There is another eight, Susie's written DORKIEST. Was that just to me?
No, it was to Jimmy. All right.
Do you mind me asking, Glenn, how old are you?
I'm 34. What did you think?
I was gonna say 55-year-old or 12.
No, he looks like, you know them massive 14-year-olds?
LAUGHTER
When you're on holiday and you see 'em come out the kids club -
"Who's that?"
But it's good, you look young.
Great. You don't wanna look young? I can still go to the kids club, I love a slide.
LAUGHTER
OK, so at the end of that Rob and Joe have 13,
Sarah and Jamali have 14.
We're still in it. We're still in it!
They've got a computer.
Let the games begin. It's time for Joe and Jamali to go head-to-head
with the numbers. Joe, your turn to pick.
OK, may I have... Yeah. ..er, whatever what you'd like
but 100 and a 10, please?
You can make ten out of these.
Nope, pop 'em back.
"Pop 'em back." Find a 10, find 100
and then enjoy the rest. You got 'em?
No. Keep looking.
LAUGHTER
And if there's another big one, 50, I can't do anything with a 75.
LAUGHTER
You've got your 10. Bonus 10. Lovely, another ten. Keep going.
Oh, yes.
4. Yes, happy with that.
I like this. 7? A little bit pissed off but it's fine.
LAUGHTER
50. Lovely. 50, well played, well played.
100. Ah, and about 710.
LAUGHTER
Good luck, everyone. 938. Your time starts now.
4 x 7 is...
Let's think about this.
Don't rush me!
OK, I'm panicking now, I'm panicking.
Yeah, yeah, hold on, we're doing this.
Right, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
Joe, did you get it?
Yep, bang on.
Jamali, did you get it?
I'm still working it out... I think you did.
Oh, I did. Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER
Yeah, I got it, I got close enough.
What did you get, Jamali?
Well, by myself I got 943, but with the Bot I got 940.
OK, Joe, how did you get it?
OK, so let's just throw 100 in. Enjoy ourselves.
That's a good start. You can still do it.
Times 10. That's a ten, right?
Yeah. Times 10.
The fact she paused there doesn't fill you with confidence, does it?
Minus 50.
If you want.
Minus ten. That's looking lovely.
Minus ten. What we got left, out of interest?
You've got 7 and 4 and you need to find 2.
OK, can you do that bit for me?
LAUGHTER
Jamali, how did you do it? How did you get 940?
10 x 100. Sounds like you're copying, mate.
Then take away 50.
Yeah. Oh, that seems pretty obvious, yeah.
And then add 7. Take away 4.
That's not 940. No, take away 7.
Take away 7. There's so many pieces of paper, I'm just confused.
He's out, he's out. He's blown it, he's blown it.
No points to anyone and let's agree we drop the maths round in future.
No-one likes it.
APPLAUSE - Oh, what? - No-one's favourite bit.
Rachel, could it be done?
50 + 10 + 7 = 67.
No, no, no. 10 + 4 = 14. No, pack it in.
14 x 67 = 938.
Oh! It's that easy. It's that easy. APPLAUSE
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Glenn, what have you got for us?
Ah, well, I used to work as a journalist.
I used to sort of investigate various sorts of major figures
and so I found, over the course of my career,
lots of private diaries from famous people, historical figures
and just naturally did what everyone else would do
and just taken purely just the sexy bits.
Erm, so this is the new genre of erotic non-fiction,
erm, and this is the diary from Margaret Thatcher.
LAUGHTER
"The life of a prime minister is not a sexy one
"but let me tell you about an experience I had
"that explains why I was only getting four hours' sleep a night.
"It was hard to date other MPs in the '80s,
"you couldn't send a dick pic or a scrota-graph...
LAUGHTER
"..you had to walk 20 miles every day to find hot singles in your area.
"We were always advised not to date other politicians.
"I was told not to by Dennis Denise from the Repetition Party Party.
"He said dating, dating an, an, MP, MP would, would be, be
"making, making, a, a serious, serious, boo-boo, boo-boo.
"But my eyes weren't on an MP.
"I'd gotten over my Michael Foot fetish
"and there was one international politician
"who was the talk of the Commons, President Ronald Reagan.
"Rumour had it that Reagan could undo a woman's bra
"with just one scissors.
LAUGHTER
"And also, like, you know that rumour
"that Prince had two ribs surgically removed
"so he could suck his own dick,
"apparently Reagan had two added just so he'd stop.
LAUGHTER
"He'd started sending me coded love letters in French,
"but I couldn't understand them, I don't know much French,
"I know it's not French mustard, it's called Dijon mustard,
"and I can say things in French like, 'I would like two baguettes,'
"but apparently that's still English.
"We were to meet on a Friday in the summer,
"a sunny day where you could see all the marigolds in bloom
"and all the Jeff Golds-in-blum.
JIMMY LAUGHS
"He was going to come to my bedroom at Number 10.
"I was terrified, I hadn't had a casual encounter like this
"since I'd been on my gap year backpacking around Surrey.
"I dragged him into Number 10 by his tie
"and went to the bathroom to powder my arsehole.
"With confidence I walked out of that bathroom
"and we Dijon kissed.
"Ronald pulled away, flirting with me even more.
"'I'm not wearing any underwear', he said.
"'Why, did you shit yourself?'
LAUGHTER
"The conversation throughout was pretty scant.
"At one point I asked, 'How old are you?' '75', he said.
"'Good', I said, 'I hate "miners".'
"And with that we were at it again.
"Sex so damaging and destructive
"that the IRA claimed responsibility for it."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Glenn Moore's erotic non-fiction. And here is your teaser.
The words are SNOGSTIP the clue is show me the way.
That's SNOGSTIP, show me the way. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were SNOGSTIP,
the clue was show me the way.
It was of course, SIGNPOST. OK, before we go on, a quick bonus round.
Playing Countdown can be incredibly stressful.
We're gonna let the players chill out a bit with the Relaxation Round.
Ooh!
LAUGHTER
Bring on the masseuses, please.
Rob, how do you like to relax?
Well, I've started gatecrashing funerals...
LAUGHTER
...cos it's very quiet and chilled out,
a free bit of food and no-one checks your invite.
Oh, hello.
That's quite nice actually. I don't like mine.
This is great. Sarah, what do you find relaxing?
Er... JOE: Oh, fuck off!
I... Relax, you'll enjoy it then.
I'm sure you're a nice fella but your thumb,
I just wanna tear it off.
Ow, you... Sorry, Sarah. I forgot what you asked,
I'm having a small orgasm.
Arsehole.
Joe, is this the first time you've been touched by another human?
I feel like that thumb went inside me. Oh, that's good. Ow.
Are you trying to get his PIN number off him? I feel I'm being attacked.
Oh, this is so nice. Why don't we do this every show, Jimmy?
We should run a relaxation special. This is lovely, I'm gonna turn round in a minute.
Joe, what...?
Joe, what makes you relaxed?
Ah! Well, I think ours are a bit harder.
It's actually hurting now. It was quite nice at the start.
This guy's got metal thumbs.
Oh, my God. Are we allowed to punch 'em?
What the fuck? Get away from me.
What the fuck?!
You're an absolute monster. Oh, my God.
Joe, hands down. We have to do that again for the camera.
What do you mean?
No, we have to. I'm just gonna say it, fuck the programme.
Hands on the desk, we have to do that again.
Honestly I... We have to. I'm not even joking, I may shit.
It's so horrible!
Jamali, you doing OK?
I don't know.
Ah! I get what you're saying though,
it does make you wanna do a shit, innit? Yeah.
OK, Joe, could you pick the letters?
Nine of the fuckers, just move, move.
N. Have we really got to play while...?
You've gotta play while this is happening.
A. Oh, my God. N, A, these are good.
G. N, A, G.
I. I'm gonna sit up for a bit. Go on, move on.
C. Oh, they're really strong. N. Is this like a deep tissue?
Ah. U. My guy's just pinching me.
E.
I'm having a lovely time.
And F. OK, and your time starts...
Argh!
What was that, Rob? What was that?
I was... Aargh!
OK, it's time now for the Countdown Relaxation Round.
Your time starts now.
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
Ooh, breathe.
Breathe again.
Keep breathing.
Aargh! You son of a...!
Ooh. Relax.
Relax.
Ooh! Relax. This is really hard.
Oh, God, it's so hard to concentrate.
Relax!
JOE MOANS
Ooh. I can't... Relax.
Well, I like the fact that we've got the massage guns out now.
Down? No.
Well, it's... Oh, bloody hell.
It goes faster than that.
Urgh. Well, I've got a similar thing at home.
What's it like using a smaller one?
LAUGHTER
You know it doesn't matter the size, Rob.
No, just as long as it's got 15 speed settings.
Yeah, look at that.
Ooh. Jamali, do you need him to stop? No, I'm all right, man.
OK, all right. So, Joe, how many?
Two.
Rob, how many? Four.
A four. Sarah?
LAUGHTER
I've got a tricky five.
A tricky five. Jamali, how many?
I forgot to cheat, so, four.
All right. So what's your two?
UN.
LAUGHTER
Rob, your four?
GAIN.
Ugh. GAIN.
My guy is so strong.
I know. He could snap my neck and kill me if he wanted.
I'll give you 200 quid.
I'll give you 210 not to.
Sarah, what's your five?
- Erm, it's a tricky five. - Go on. WHIRRING
You know when people...? I'm sorry, it's really loud, isn't it?
Sarah, can I ask a question? It's gonna help me in my married life.
Do nipples need to be vibrated on, is that a thing?
Well, I didn't know until tonight, but, yes, they do, flower.
Big recommend.
You know when somebody's smoking and they're not supposed to be.
Mm-hm. And they quickly hide it,
like magic, but with an F, FAGIC.
This is outrageous.
It's not, it's fucking amazing. I can't take my eyes off it.
I know we're on TV but Sarah's actually putting that on her vagina.
Have you got any wet wipes?
Gee, this is filth. You see, this is the same as I'm like at home,
I never do any of the lower levels. You just go straight to full on!
It's on six. FAGIC's not a word. FAGIC is not a word.
What's your four, Jamali? Thanks for checking though. NANG.
NANG? Yeah. Is NANG in there, is NANG there?
NANG? Oh, it's not in the printed dictionary,
but it's definitely in the online dictionary.
I think I might have won that round and...
I can't believe we're still here.
All it needs is two people to be sort of physically abused
and a woman to use a vibrator and I can win.
Four points to Rob.
GAIN! APPLAUSE
Amazing. OK, Glenn, Susie, what could they have had?
Er, for seven they could have had FENCING or FINANCE.
Wonderful.
At the moment I can tell you that Sarah and Jamali have 14,
Joe and Rob have 17.
APPLAUSE We won.
OK, time to go again to Dictionary Corner.
Glenn, what have you got for us?
Thanks. I've got here the diary of King Henry VIII.
"Dear Diary, I've had a chequered history of relationships.
"My love life famously goes divorce, beheaded, died,
"divorced, beheaded and that's it so far.
"Well, I found romance in the most unexpected of places last night
"in the kitchens of Hampton Court.
"A scullery maid Brenda was toiling away
"and something about her immediately caught my eye.
"I fired out the regal chat-up lines.
"Hey, gal, you must be tired
"because I make you work 19-hour days.
"I asked her what she was cooking,
"'It's your favourite, loads.'
LAUGHTER
"God, she really was the best thing since an intact loaf of bread.
"A perfect mouthful of teeth - three.
"Skin as white as milk,
"smell as smell as milk.
"Could a King really romance a pauper? I decided to go for it.
"Before you knew it we were getting down and dirty.
"We did it everywhere, bedroom, maze, the gift shop.
"At first... LAUGHTER
"At first, Brenda looked perturbed at seeing my naked form.
"I couldn't help but see her uneasily looking at my groin.
"'Apologies', I said, 'I'm a little rough around the edges
"'and I wear a little ruff around the edges.'
"I asked her to allow me to freshen up,
"which in these days involves trimming my beard
"and removing the bucket of shit from under my bed.
"I realised what she'd been uneasily looking at,
"I had a genital piercing so good that my
"great-great-great-great-great- granddaughter's husband was named after it.
LAUGHTER
"Now, this being the Tudor period we didn't have condoms,
"so, this heroin was really hurting my stomach.
"We relocated to the maze, running naked towards it.
"She tastefully covered herself with a sheet,
"but it was a sheet of A4 paper so I could still see her tits.
"Afterwards, I said longingly to her,
"if I could rearrange the alphabet.
"And she interrupted me and said, 'What's the alphabet?'
"Just hours later we were at it again in the gift shop.
"She suggested the position. 'Missionary?' I declined.
"The church is quite difficult for me to talk about right now.
"We had a wonderful time and not 20 minutes later
"but two minutes later, we lay exhausted on the gift shop floor.
"I had to clean myself up with a tea towel
"that had all my grandparents on it and the dates that they died.
"Diary, I've decided to see her again.
"I mean, when did a royal ginger sleeping with a normal person
"have any insane fucking repercussions?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Glenn Moore, everyone.
And here is your final teaser. The words are OWNSDICK,
the clue is mine's blowing all over the place.
That's OWNSDICK, mine's blowing all over the place.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were OWNSDICK,
the clue was mine's blowing all over the place.
It was of course, windsock.
OK, time for our final letters game. Sarah, Jamali, your turn to choose.
Honestly, I don't care any more cos I feel so relaxed and aroused.
Erm, do you wanna pick... Yeah. ...so, I can just? All right.
Do you want a cigarette?
I don't even smoke, but I really do.
I normally have a KitKat after.
What would you like, Jamali? You choose, flower.
All right, can we have...? How many letters do we get?
9. 9. I mean, famously nine.
He's not been on the show before, remember? Yes, he has.
Let me get six vowels.
I mean, you're only allowed five.
I'm only allowed five? Yeah. Well, give me five then, shit.
Are we having five vowels?
Yeah. I, O, I. I don't know what a vowel is.
A, E.
And the rest, consonants.
N, L, W.
Oh, my God, oh, my God. S.
OK, I might just look at TikTok, Your time starts now.
So, today's word of the day is cock.
It annoys me when people on TikTok
accuse me of being too close to the camera. What you on about?
Look at him over there.
"Oh, I'm Jimmy Carr, I wear stupid suits
"and I've got a stupid laugh." Such a cu...
LAUGHTER
Sarah, how many?
Only five, Jimmy.
Jamali, how many?
Three.
Have you written cat? No, I haven't written cat.
It looks like you've written cat on the paper.
Well, you know, maybe you should mind your fucking business.
LAUGHTER
Maybe you should worry about your own fucking cat.
APPLAUSE
Er, Joe, how many? I've got as close as you can get to a nine.
What have you got? I've got a five.
LAUGHTER
OK. Er, Rob, how many?
Five. Five, OK. Erm, so, Jamali, what's your three?
He wrote cat in capitals, massive and I don't know why.
Has your AI Bot broken down?
Yeah.
Are you taking the fucking piss? Get out!
Come on. Get out. The electricity ran out.
Get out. The electricity ran out.
Get out of the goddamn AI Bot.
For goodness' sake. It's fucking Mr Motivator.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right?
Yay!
But I've given you all the answers all night.
Yeah, but then you started doing cat.
As your daddy, right...
...I'm disappointed in you.
Mr Motivator, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Sarah, your five.
WAILS or LEANS.
That's good. That's really good. What's your five?
Mine's LOINS.
Sarah Millican had the vibrating gun in her loins.
To be honest, I've got a lot of thigh
and it was just, like, hitting the thighs and rattling up.
I can attest to that, it was shaking the side of my chair.
You know in Jurassic Park when the...?
Your drink just...
Joe, your five.
I had LOINS as well cos I copied Rob.
Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Glenn, Susie, could they have done any better?
They could have done, they could have had LIAISON.
No. And they could have had INWALES.
So, Sarah and Jamali have 19, Joe and Rob have 22.
You know what that means. APPLAUSE
Oh, it's exciting. OK, all right, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
BELL RINGS
Oh, no. PROTRACTOR.
Not even close.
I love them.
I can't do these. I'm shit at these.
Is it just PROOCRATE?
No.
You love them? I like them. It's sort of my favourite kind of gig.
BELL RINGS Ooh! No, I've got it.
BUZZER
Is it CORPORATE?
Let's have a look.
Joe Wilkinson got the conundrum.
So, the final scores are, Sarah and Jamali have 19,
Rob and Joe are the winners with 32 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown Ping Pong Set.
WHOOPING
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media