This program me contains strong language and adult humour
Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
jon Richardson,
Rob Brydon,
Katherine Parkinson,
Babatunde Aleshe,
Adam Buxton,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host, jimmy Carr!
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Team Captain jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE
jon says his comedy is influenced by Lee Evans,
although unfortunatelyjon wasn't influenced by
the part where Lee Evans packed in standup
and hasn't been seen for a decade.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Babatunde Aleshe.
APPLAUSE
Babatunde says when he lived in a rough part of Tottenham,
a sex worker once managed to get into his house,
despite all the doors being locked.
At least that's what he told his wife.
LAUGHTER
Is that a true story? Yeah, 100% true story.
First of all, like, I was getting ready for school and then... Ugh!
I was getting ready for school and then I turn around
and in my living room is this sex worker and I'm like,
"Who the hell are you? Ancl you need to leave now
"because if my mom see's you, it's, everyone's going to die",
right. And then my mum comes out
and my mum you know she's Nigerian and my mum was like,
"Who the hell is this?"
and you know, I had to like, like, kind of just be like,
"All right, go, go, go", and just usher her out,
which now I'm explaining it makes it sound like I invited
the person in, which I didn't, but...
Right. Yeah, that's how it happened.
But how did she get in if the doors were locked?
I don't know. If my sister was here,
my sister would tell you 100% this happened.
ROB: Cos it was your sister?
LAUGHTER
That's certainly how it sounded, Rob, yeah.
I think, you know, Babatunde, that's really HER story
to tell when SHE feels ready.
Up against them this evening, it's Guest Team Captain Rob Brydon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rob used to do voice over work for Euro Trash,
so if you're over the age of 35,
the chances are you've knocked one out to those dulcet tones.
Jimmy, it's a pleasure to see you in the flesh
and it is still flesh isn't it, technically?
Percentage wise, it is still flesh, isn't it?
And joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Both Katherine and Rob have acting backgrounds.
Katherine has appeared on the West End stage and won a BAFTA
and Rob does a pretty decent Ronnie Corbett.
OK, Jon, what's your best feature?
Well, I asked my wife, cos she's best placed to answer this question,
and she said, "Well, look, Jon, you're not very handsome,
"you're not very tall and your voice is irritating,
"and, you're, erm, quite tight."
And then she left, I haven't spoken to her since.
I think he's a you're a very handsome man.
Rob, it's your... Er, what, sorry?
I think he's a very handsome man.
Cor, she's quite the actress, isn't she?
That really, like, felt like she meant it.
Rob, are you going to be better at the letters or the numbers?
I'd say this, I did, at school I did further maths,
I called it further maths, they called them resits.
Ancl this is interesting,
I've been doing some of those online genealogy things
and I discovered I'm Welsh. Now...
We're very... we're very good with words
and nine-letter words, to us, is nothing.
Sometimes even with a vowel in there.
So, sometimes... So words are good.
You know, at school,
the words were so long, Adam, they were so long....
How long were they? ..we didn't. Well, I'll tell you, jimmy.
They were so long, we didn't have school books,
we had rolls of wallpaper.
That's how long... that's how long...
that's how long the words were. That's the joke, jimmy.
OK. LAUGHTER
Katherine, are you easily embarrassed?
Erm, I'm not actually, err, but I am often
doing things that are embarrassing.
I remember a few years ago... I really like musicals. Mm...
You must like musicals. I love musicals, I love musicals.
Cos you've got a lovely singing voice. Thank you.
I... See how easy it is to be nice.
I'm just blown away by the acting.
First he's handsome, now you can sing.
She can do it all.
I decided in a pub to start singing ump-papa from Oliver
and assumed everybody would join in
because that's what happens in the film and they didn't join in
and I had to sing it through to the end alone,
and I don't even know the words.
Give us the start, we'll see if they join in.
Do you know this one? I don't know that one, no.
You don't know the song? ADAM: I know that one.
You know that one? # Everyone... #
# Ump-papa, UmP'PaPa
OVER AFFECTS VOICE: # Everyone knows... #
Oh, Jesus. I didn't know it went like that.
No-one joined in with that?
What happened to your voice when you started singing?
Yeah, you got, like, briefly possessed.
It took on the dialect, guys.
Can I hear that again?
Mm...
# Ump-papa, UmP'PaPa
OVER AFFECTS VOICE: # Everyone knows... #
I didn't know Dot Cotton was in Oliver.
OK, Babatunde, when you did I'm a Celebrity,
what was the... what was the hardest thing about being in the jungle?
Matt Hancock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I was at Oxford with Matt.
ADAM: Why did no-one on the show refer to him as Man Cock?
You knew him, Katherine?
I was at University with Matt.
Did you know him when you were at University? Yeah.
Ancl was he was he a dynamic kind of sexy guy then as well?
Really, really sexy, really dynamic. Was he?
Really good looking and a great singer.
What sort of person was he?
Katherine, have you got a mascot?
I've brought my, um...
I've got two children and I've brought their, erm, teeth.
ADAM: Their teeth?
Err, just their baby teeth, which are here still with blood on them.
I'm not going to lie, that is mad weird. KATHERINE: Thank you.
Good lord, how many have you got?
It's like something from Pirates of the Caribbean.
I don't want to touch it. No, no.
Ancl what's wrong with my children's teeth? They... I feel like, erm...
It looks like desiccated coconut.
I'd like to make sort of necklace or, erm...
I think making a necklace is an excellent idea, yeah.
Yeah, that's the way forward.
OK, err, )on have you got a mascot'?
Sometimes I forget,
obviously I'm known as a cardigan-wearing anagram fan,
but I'm also one of Britain's leading erotic novelists...
...as you'll know from my sexual cleaning books,
the deep clean trilogy, erm,
volume one, Around the Rim: Confessions of a Toilet Cleaner,
and Hot White Loads: Tales from... Tales from the Laundrette.
Errn, so I went into the erotic novel thing
and then I realised that everyone wants...
It's all bloody murder mysteries now, isn't it?
So I've written a book about
a killer who infects some cleaning products.
Err, it's called A Bad Case of Cif.
And it's about a guy who gets some Cif,
and he puts poison in it, so it kills people.
And if I put some product placement in there,
I get money from the company.
And I'm going to read you some now, a little exert,
and I have snuck a few brands in there.
I don't know if you can spot it.
"'Get in that toilet, duck', she said in her thick Nottingham accent,
"by which I mean her accent was strong,
"not that all people from Nottingham sound thick.
"'Get them cords down, this will be over in a Flash."'
Oh, and I should point out the lead character is loosely based on me.
"DCI Juan Rico lowered his pants as far as his knees
to prevent any of the fabric touching the dirty cubicle floor.
"'Aren't you going to rubber up?'
"He raised both hands and wiggled his yellow fingers?
"'| already did it..."'
Oh, no, he's Spanish sorry.
IN SPANISH ACCENT: "'| already did it.
"'| put on my Marigolds before I touched
"'the toilet door handle'.
IN NOTTINGHAM ACCENT: "'Not your hands, that,'
"she cried, pointing at his perfectly normal
"and bang on the average size penis.
IN SPANISH ACCENT: "'I don't understand,
"'| would need five penis to fill the glove.'
IN NOTTINGHAM ACCENT: "'| mean a condom, you cloth-eared idiot.'
"Juan measured his need to get laid up against his hatred
"of single-use plastics.
IN SPANISH ACCENT: "'Sorry, baby' he said,
"'| just love the Oceans too much,'
"at which point he emptied his jeyes Fluid into the bowl."
LAUGHTER
Oh, that is awful.
It's actually an outdoor cleaner, jeyes Fluid, for patios,
but I didn't think the lay reader would know that.
So, that'll be out, erm, that's not going out, is it?
Babatunde, you got a mascot?
I do. When I started my stand up, erm, journey,
I started on the black comedy circuit.
Whenever, like, you know you're in a black comedy show,
we always have a DJ, and we have a lot of sound effects.
So, you know a lot of the times if someone says like
a really cool punch line, you'll hear like a massive err,
sound effect. So, I've brought a beat machine with some sound effects
to make and recreate the black comedy circuit on this show,
on Countdown. So, any time someone says something funny,
you'll just hear a...
KLAXON BLARES
You get me? If I get an answer right...
EXPLOSION
You get me? You like that, don't you, bro? I know you like that, bro.
EXPLOSION
You like that? RAPID GUNFIRE, EXPLOSION
You get me, Jon? Come on, big me up.
KLAXON BLARES
Yes, come on! APPLAUSE
Rob, have you got a mascot?
Yes, I've brought a mascot tonight.
Um, we're in a precarious profession and we're always open,
all of us as performers,
to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
not my words of course.
Um, it can be hard to keep your spirits up.
What I do is I like to remind myself of some of my best work.
As you know,
I've clone a few voice overs for products over the years.
I carry this around with me.
I call it my Wheel of Dignity
and this... this is to remind me of some of
the wonderful products that I've endorsed
if I'm feeling a little low
and I know you've struggled with feelings of self-worth.
LAUGHTER
So, here, for example, this top one,
"Bounty, taste the exotic."
That was me.
"You know when you've been Tangoed,"
that was me. Was that you?
Yeah. "Ribena, with no added sugar".
That was me.
They don't need added sugar,
it's got fucking loads of sugar in any way.
"Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, they are ludicrously tasty."
That, I think, might be the greatest.
ADAM: That's the classic.
"Philadelphia with chives." Ooh.
That was me. "Gaviscon cool. What a feeling."
Perhaps my best, "New Toilet Duck Active Liquid,
"goes on cleaning flush after flush."
EXPLOSION
That's a lot of voice overs.
See in store for details.
Well, you do a very good fast read of the terms and conditions.
I certainly do, yeah. "See in store for details.
"Your home may be at risk if you don't keep up repayments."
And that's Ribena?
The way... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What was your Euro Trash voice? I can't remember,
but it was all... it wasn't a great show, let's be honest.
It fucking was. I loved that. Did you? I loved it.
It's the best thing you've ever done, Rob. No.
My memory of it is it was on just after school though. Was it on?
No, what time were you getting home from school?
It was a hell of a commute, Katherine. It was late, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was, it was like 11 o'clock on Channel 4.
It was always, it was kind of clubbed films, wasn't it,
of Helmut and Yolanda,
say two German swingers showing me around their dungeon.
But it would be in German, so I'd be saying,
err, I don't know,
"Helmut and Helga enjoy time "together at the weekend".
and they'd go...
SPEAKS IN MADE-UP GERMAN
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Adam Buxton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Adam's been hosting his own podcast since 2015.
I'd like to put Adam's podcast on in the car,
then I go back in the house and watch telly.
Adam, you're a father of three. What is family life like?
It's all right. My children are now teenagers,
and we can play word games together, yes!
This is one of the word games that we play,
and the challenge is to be
the first person, when you randomise the lettered dice,
to make words of four letters or more,
and my 19-year-old son is getting quite good at it,
but his technique is to just sort of try out made-up words
and hope that they exist.
Some of the words that he's come up with recently have been err, Sherm,
that is not a real word,
but it is a bit of slang, which, err, maybe, jimmy,
you and I are familiar with from the old days before vapes.
It means dipping a cigarette in PCP. That's a sherm.
KATHERINE: That's a sherm?
Let's all have a sherm after the show.
Where's the sound effect?
Nah, man, that's not cool. I'm not going to lie.
Another word that he tried
to play recently, which we did not allow him, was "quank".
Mm...
Are you familiar with that one? There is a quank. There is a quank?
A quank and a swank and...
Well, a quank, as far as I'm aware,
is a harsh croaking or honking cry...
Ah. ..uttered by a bird or animal.
I just assumed that it was a big of slang.
I would imagine that there is a quank in the urban dictionary,
along the lines of, you know, in between my gym
and therapy sessions I had just enough time for a quank.
Adam Buxton, everyone. APPLAUSE
Yeah.
And with Adam, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I got Susie's latest book,
and I couldn't put it down. I took it to the vet,
I hit it with a shovel, I tried to kill it in a bucket,
but sadly, I just couldn't put it down.
Susie, do you have any traditions on regular Countdown
that you don't bring across to this show?
Well, we take the game seriously, that's one tradition.
Sometimes it does go into Cats territory.
So, erm, we had "nematode" for eight last week,
which was one of Rachel's favourites because it's a little worm
and I tried to explain that it's good for gardening
and I explained it as, "|f you, like me, have a problem
"with moths in your box hedge", erm, which I do.
Ancl they won a teapot, that's my favourite bit.
Do you not win a teapot on this one? SUSIE: No.
ADAM: You just get a cigarette dipped in PCP.
And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE
Rachel, have you got any life hacks you could share with us?
The number one life hack would be don't have kids.
My second life hack,
if you've obviously already made that mistake,
then you have to find out ways to make things cheaper.
I found that, urn, last time we took them on holiday,
there was like a kids play area,
and you have to take your shoes off before you go in,
and my kids absolutely loved it
because they like trying on other kids' shoes.
So, instead of, you know,
paying and going on holiday we just take them to TK Maxx,
it's the shoe isle, just like hours of fun.
I'm not sure if that's a life hack,
or if we should call Social Services.
OK, and the prize the teams will be competing
for tonight is this, the Countdown Butter Churn.
APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
OK, lets Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
Err, jon and Babatunde, you get the first pick of the letters.
Oh, sick, I get to do this? Oh, sick this is dope.
All right. Let me get, er, let me get a consonant.
We can indeed.
We can start with T.
Get a vowel.
E
Another vowel.
Ll
Consonant.
S
Consonant.
IV!
Let me get a vowel.
O
Er, get a consonant, please.
J
And a consonant.
K
Ancl a consonant again.
And the last one...T.
Rachel, while they're doing that, shall we work on our robots?
Yeah, why not? Right, lovely.
OK? Yep. Oh, sorry, your time starts now.
Oh, my God.
I finished mine, do you wanna have a look?
Mine... Hang on, I'll show you, mine does a little dance, look.
Oh, that's quite cute.
It is cute, isn't it? Have you finished yours, Rachel?
Errn, yeah, hang on one sec, I'm just gonna bring it on.
LOUD WHOOSHING
APPLAUSE
Don't touch me, blud.
just touch Jon.
If I piss, I could die.
Jon, you OK?
What do you think?!
This is what jimmy's gonna look like in about two more goes.
All right, go on, get it to fuck off. All right.
That was super dignified, Babatunde,
when you ran away from the pretend robot.
I don't give a flying toss, bruv! Super dignified.
You ran around the studio.
Listen, I'm from Tottenham and we run, you understand?
That was genuinely frightening.
I hadn't looked up through the whole of the round,
so the first I saw of it was when it was there
and do you know what? I wasn't expecting it.
I was fine with it. No, you were not! I weren't.
OK.
Jon, how many letters? Er, six.
OK. Babatunde, how many? Five. Rob, how many?
Seven . . five-letter words .
I'll put five. Katherine, how many?
I've got seven five-letter words.
Wahey! We've done well. Boom!
Babatunde, what's your five?
Mine is SMOKE. Rob?
STOKE
Katherine, your five?
MUTES, M-U-T-E-S.
SUSIE: Yeah.
Er, Jon, for the points, your six?
MUSKET
Yeah. Very good. Oh, great word!
Musket. A six forjon. APPLAUSE
OK, Adam, Susie, could they have done any better?
Six was the best. So at the end of that,
jon and Babatunde are in the lead with six points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Rob, Katherine, you get the pick of the numbers.
What are we gonna go with first?
Can we have one from the top and five from the bottom, please?
You can. One large, five little. OK, you make all the decisions.
I didn't think you knew what to say.
I've no idea. So, I stepped in. Ancl we'll have another one, please.
Another one. Right, little ones,
6, 7,
9, 5,
10, and the big one, 50. Right, I'd better write these down.
Yeah. The target you need, 804. Oh, God, I feel sick.
OK, and your time starts... Give us a second, hang on a second,
wait a minute. I feel sick. ..now.
Oh, my God!
just as the time was running out, he went, "Do something!"
OK. So, the target was
804. Jon, did you get it? I did, yeah. Did you do something?
WE'VE got it. Yeah, WE'VE got it.
We've got it. We're a team over here.
OK. Rob, did you get it?
I'm close. How close, are you?
I'm 3,690.
Katherine, did you get it?
I got 782.
No. No. So, jon, how did you get it?
10+6
x50
8OO
And9-5 ll-
Yeah.
Ten points tojon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you want my, my one that's not as close, or do you not need that now?
Sorry, do I want your wrong answer?
Yes.
Obviously, we don't want your wrong answer. OK. Cool.
So, so far, Rob and Katherine have no points,
they have yet to score.
jon and Babatunde are in the lead with 16.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser.
The words are BATHE ROB. The clue is, works best if you're naked.
That's BATHE ROB - works best if you're naked.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser -
the words were BATHE ROB,
the clue was, works best if you're naked -
it was, of course, BATH ROBE.
So, jon and Babatunde are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is
just for Rob and Babatunde.
So, Rob, your turn to choose.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
F
Rachel, a vowel, please.
Stop saying Rachel! E.
I would like a consonant, please, Rachel.
Yeah.
R
Rachel, could I have a vowel?
A
Ancl I'm just gonna ask Rachel for a consonant, please, Rachel.
Yep.
S
Vowel, Rachel.
E
Rachel, I would like a consonant. Hm-mm.
P
Another consonant, please, Rachel.
N
Rachel, a vowel, please. And...
lovely choosing,
a final I.
Jon, shall we play on the arcades if you're not on this one? Yeah.
That's it. All right, your time starts...now.
Still keeping all your gold in your pockets.
Rob, what did you get?
All I could come up with is a six-letter word. A six.
Which is, I think, quite good.
How many? Six. Six. Oh, wow.
What was your six, Rob?
It's something I like to shower you with
on a regular basis,
PRAISE
Ooh!
Ba batunde?
I got ERASER.
You need two Rs.
Oh!
Oh, that's a shame.
Six points to Rob.
OK, Adam, Susie, could they have done any better?
You could have had REFINES.
Oh, wow. For seven.
OK, time for Katherine and jon to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
How many big ones do you like?
I like the smallest number of big ones.
OK. No big ones, please.
Oh, no! No, not that.
Can you have no big ones? Yeah.
Is that an option?
Don't you host this show?
Yeah. Fun fact, never seen it.
Let's go no big.
And then the next round, no consonants.
All right, your six little ones,
2, 5,
1,9,
6 and 7. The 2 and the 1 aren't great.
And the target...
748
Your time starts now.
Katherine, I can't help with this, I'm sorry.
I'm not allowed to help you with this.
Did you do it, Jon?
I got 742.
Katherine?
I can't, I can't remember if I've used the 5,
so just give me a moment, please.
Sure, sure.
665
But I can't remember how I did it, so you can't ask me.
665 but you can't remember how you did it. Yeah.
Well, it doesn't fucking matter.
Jon, for five points, how did you get 742?
5x2=10. Yeah.
Ancl then 9 +1 =10. I could've clone that. Yeah.
1OX10= 100
100+6
106
106x7 =742
Blimey!
Five points tojon.
Rachel, could it be done?
It could be done.
7x6=42
OK. 42 x 9 378
Well, I think we all know that!
5-124
378-4= 374
374X2
So, whoa, whoa, whoa! Go back to that, go back to the 378.
I was with you to that. So, it was the - 4 that was hard.
OK. Rachel Riley, everyone. APPLAUSE
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Adam Buxton, what do you have for us?
One of my favourite things that I watched in recent years
was the coronation of one of my favourite influencers,
K Charles and...
Did you love that as much as I did? Loved it.
Of course, you did! What did you like more,
the pomp or the circumstance?
Personally, I love the pomp
and I should think K Charles did too. In fact, I know he loves pomp.
# I love it I love it
# Pomp it, pomp it, POmP it
# I love it I love it
# Nice
# I love it I love it
# Ooh, yes
# Gimme, gimme I love it
# Nice Pomp it, pomp it, pomp it. #
I've got hours more of that.
But what few people realise is that there was another exciting
celebration going on elsewhere
for this man here on the right,
and I know he looks very similar to the one on the left,
but it is Regnon, Galactic Ruler
of the 12 Dimensions of Zantiar,
as well as Kozok and the outer lands,
and recently it was Regnon's birthday
and Regnon had an amazing celebration in the great hall
and I wanted to show you
a few highlights from that exciting ceremony.
Now, on this special day,
it is time for Regnon
to receive his presents.
Someone has got him
a kill sphere with a Bluetooth speaker.
Thank you, Squelch. There you go.
You got it there? Hold it nice and steady while it pairs.
CHIMING
Your kill sphere is now ready to vanquish your enemies
and stream your favourite jams. It's a really nice gift.
Thank you, Squelch.
Now, GeneralZweink I think has got you a glove.
MUMBLES
Glove...
glove...glove.
Glove...
Thank you, Zweink. I think he really likes it.
So, a lucky galactic ruler has been given
a staff of ultimate power,
just like the one that laid waste to the shadow realms of Gorthrax
and it's got a Biro on the end as well.
An cl, cheers,
that's the WiFi booster that you asked for.
With any luck, you will never again have
to torture your servants when Ted Lasso starts buffering.
And now Regnon's friend Graham has asked to sing
a special song,
although he is tired and has been at the pub.
WARBLING
Hmm... LICKS LIPS
LOUD Y AWN
BURP! Oh, excuse me.
GROANS
BURP!
BURPING CONTINUES
There's a good chance that will spell death for Graham.
There's 14 more hours of that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Great. Adam Buxton, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are PURE TURD and the clue is - what a mess.
That's PURE TURD - what a mess. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were PURE TURD,
the clue was - what a mess.
It was, of course, RUPTURED. RUPTURED!
LAUGHTER
Sorry. She got it. She got it.
Before we go on, we have a special treat for everyone.
It's the Countdown Magician, the Great Alfonso!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, hello, the Great Alfonso.
Ah, God!
You all right? Hello.
All right, jimmy? 0h, Crap-
Why are you on a quad bike?
Arghg
Er... Oh, crap.
Oh, crap, crap, crap.
Arghg
Er, thing is, jimmy,
there's a lot of magicians out there and you have to stand out, and, er,
I was going to learn a few tricks, but, er,
I couldn't be arsed so I just...
Arghg
I just thought I'd be the first, er,
first magician on a quad bike.
Arghg
CRASH! Oh, Shit.
But it's harder than it looks so I've, er...
I'm absolutely exhausted.
Ah, God.
Do you want to come back on set?
I'll be honest, I'm not sure I can.
HORN HONKS Oh, sorry.
I've got a horn. HORN HONKS
Fine, do it there.
Er, all right. Well, I was going to do a couple of quad bike tricks,
but I've lost confidence.
Er, Fabio, do you want to go on and get the ball rolling?
Do your fuckin' dumb trick. Oh, God.
Hurry UP!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I did tell you you needed a new clove.
The idea was, Jimmy,
it was meant to fly around the studio
and then land back on his arm,
but he's held that clove for a month.
He wouldn't put it down, so that's what you're fucking left with.
Don't just stand there, get off! Piss off.
No, get off!
APPLAUSE Off!
You anus.
Right, I'll try a quad-based card trick. Are you ready?
I guess so, yeah.
ENGINE REVS Ah, fucking hell, here we go.
That was meant to go for...
Argh! Shit!
Shit, shit, shit...
VOICE RECEDES: ..Shit, Shit, Shit...
Do we know if he's coming back?
Let's just carry on with the game.
jon, your turn to choose the letters.
HORN HONKS
Oh! Here we go. Here we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We got it sorted...
HORN HONKS
That's fucked that, then.
Let's play Countdown!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
HORN HONKS
OK, on with the game. Jon, your pick of the letters.
Could we have a consonant, please?
Yeah. Shall I do vowelies?
Sure, yeah. Here's a consonant.
G
And a consonant, please. Bouncier chair than usual, sorry.
R
And another consonant, please.
Are you not letting me have a go?
L
Are you pissed off at me, Jon?
I just feel like you might fuck it up.
I bet I don't!
All right, big boy, let's have a vowel.
It's a, er...
It's an A.
Whoa!
Another vowel, please.
It's an O.
And a consonant, please.
C.
And another consonant, please.
F
And a vowel, please.
Ooh, COMB.
And a consonant, please. And a final...
D
Your time starts now.
Are you going to clean that up?
No.
I'm not in the mood.
I've had a stressful clay, jimmy.
OK, Jon, how many?
Oh, only a six. Babatunde?
Six. Six. Katherine?
Six. Rob?
Six. Katherine, your six?
GRACED. GRACED, wonderful.
Babatunde, what have you got?
FORCED
OK. Rob, your six?
I went for...GRACED.
LAUGHTER
Quite similar to Katherine's.
Identical. jon, your six.
I used the D twice.
Don't I always?
But I haven't got a six.
Well, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Hey, we've got 12.
Adam, Susie, could they have done any better?
Susie has written DOGFACE.
What, sorry? That's not a word. LAUGHTER
It's a US soldier, an infantryman.
A DOGFACE? A DOGFACE.
So, at the end of that, jon and Babatunde are in the lead
with 27 points.
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go, once again, to Dictionary Corner.
Adam, what have you got for us this time?
Well, I've got a special life hack for anyone in
a long-term relationship.
I myself have been living with the same woman for 25 years
and there's bound to be a few disagreements, especially if
the other person is someone who thinks that proper cutlery drawer
segregation "feels racist". Er...
Now, I'm glad to say that me
and my wife argue a lot less than we used to, and part of the reason
for that is that we're quite mature,
we talk through our disagreements calmly and honestly,
but I think another important factor has been my decision to keep a log
of all the arguments that we have.
These are some of the more recent entries in the argument log.
Subject of argument: Being moody.
Main points - Buckles, that's me:
"I don't understand why you're so moody," I say to wife.
Main points - wife: "You're the one that's moody.
"|t's like a toxic cloud.
"I don't think you realise how moody you are?"
Rebuttal - Buckles:
"You were moody first.
"|'m moody because you're moody.
"|'m normally fun, like on my podcast.
"|n fact, right now, you're gaslighting me."
Winner of that argument: Buckles.
Subject of argument: Whose family is more dysfunctional?
Main points - wife:
"Yours is."
Main points - Buckles:
"Yours is."
Winner: Buckles.
Subject of argument:
Wife updating me on which friends and family members have cancer
just before scheduled marital relations.
Main points - Buckles: "It's not exactly sexy."
Main points - wife:
"|t's the only time we get to discuss important things."
Winner: Buckles.
And finally, subject of argument:
Wife leaving dirty plates and coffee mugs by the sink to clean later.
Main points - Buckles:
"I always think it's better to clean as you go."
Main points - wife:
"I always think it's better to fuck while you off."
LAUGHTER
But on the whole, it's a good system.
Adam Buxton.
APPLAUSE
Ancl here is your final teaser.
The words are HE STRIPS. The clue is - it's a hairy one.
That's HE STRIPS - it's a hairy one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were HE STRIPS,
the clue was - it's a hairy one. It was, of course...
HIPSTERS. Well done, Katherine.
LAUGHTER I did just read that.
Reading's good too. Well done.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Rob, Katherine, your turn to choose.
Ooh, I've found a pack of cards.
Can I have a consonant, please? Of course. OK.
Do you want to see a card trick, Rachel? T. Yeah, of course.
You can carry on, it's not exactly hard. Pick a card.
Sorry, carry on. Can I have another consonant, please?
Pick a card. Don't show me, don't show me.
All right, OK. Y.
Can I have a vowel, please?
U
Can I have another consonant, please?
R
There's no way I could have seen your card, right? No.
So, how...
A vowel, please.
...how do you explain...
LAUGHTER
And another vowel, please.
How do you explain me doing this?
E
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Was your card the three of diamonds?
No.
LAUGHTER
What is it? It's the nine of spades. Shit.
Oh, yeah, I've just remembered, it only works if I'm on a quad bike.
Another vowel, please.
ROB: An A.
Gutted. And a consonant, please. And a final...
s jOE SIGHS
OK, I'm going to throw on the audio description for this clock.
So, your time starts now.
Countdown audio description enabled. Hmm.
A life-sized Barbie doll stands next to some letters.
She is wasting her life.
A tiny, rat-faced man-boy is thinking about kinky sex.
A national treasure stares at some blank paper.
He's just here for the money.
He stinks.
A comedy actress attempts to solve a word puzzle.
She's either very confused or has gas.
A word witch sits smugly in a corner.
She can't wait to tell people how thick they are.
Babatunde, how many?
I didn't get any.
Nothing? Nothing.
None? None.
Bring the robot back!
No! Don't do that, don't do that.
OK. Jon?
Jon, how many?
Er... Six...
OK. Katherine, how many?
I'm going to try for a seven.
Good Lord. OK, great. Ambitious. Rob, how many?
just a five. OK, what's your five?
PAYER. Someone who pays something.
PAYER? Someone who pays.
All right, perfect. What's your six, Jon?
PASTRY
Katherine, your seven.
So, if my seven doesn't work,
I've got TEARS, I've got YEARS,
because I'm not sure that this seven one is a word.
OK, give us the seven.
SURF ATE SHE LAUGHS
What, sorry? Sorry.
What, sorry? LAUGHTER
Sorry, what was that?
I've also got PUS.
What, sorry? What?
Well, you want to see someone about that, but what...what's the word?
I don't know if this is a word. I've gone for SURPATE.
Yeah, SURF' ATE.
Could you put it in a sentence?
Oh, definitely,
I'll give you the SURPATE on that when I get in.
Susie, is that made-up word?
Yes.
Six points tojon.
APPLAUSE
Oh, I was so sure I got at least
something for you. Sorry.
Adam, Susie, could they have done any better?
A couple of sevens - PASTURE and...
Oh, no! ..and ESTUARY.
OK, so, Rob and Katherine have 12 points,
jon and Babatunde have 33.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
You time starts... Countdown. Oh. ..now.
BUZZER
ROB EXCLAIMS JON: Oh.
IS it DERRINGER?
How old ARE you?
INDISTINCT
BELL REWARDING!
REWARDING is the right answer. Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the final scores are Rob and Katherine have 22,
jon and Babatunde have 33 -
they're the winners. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, you're now
the proud owner of this, the Countdown butter churn.
Thanks to all of our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media