This programme contains strong language and adult humour
APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown -
Sarah Millican,
Joe Lycett,
Rhod Gilbert,
Judi Love,
Jazz Emu,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host - Jimmy... Carr!
Hey!
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sarah Millican.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Sarah says she constantly needs to wee
because she has an old-lady bladder or, as I like to call it,
nanny fanny.
If the letters come up, can we have "nanny fanny" on this?
It's too many. Oh, it's too many letters. Too many letters.
Unless it's N-A-N-I. Oh, yeah. "Nan-eye fan-eye".
It's quite Brummie. It is quite Brummie! "Nan-eye fan-eye".
And Sarah's team-mate Rhod Gilbert. WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you.
Here we go. Rhod used to be the voice of the Welsh Tourist Board
and the slogan, "You've got on the M4 the wrong way,
"never mind, welcome to Wales."
Up against them this evening it's team captain Joe Lycett.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Team captain.
Joe is originally from Birmingham. People belittle Birmingham,
but it's Britain's second shitty.
And joining Joe tonight, it's Judi Love. WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
When Judi was little, she would perform in front of imaginary crowds,
which was a great practice for her last tour.
Ooh!
My last show, I was a supporting act for you,
so let's talk about your audience that wasn't there.
Yay!
Yes! Someone's finally got him!
Yeah... I think that this show is us against you.
It's not, it's all of us against Jimmy. Yeah.
Take that, you prick.
Well... I've really found my energy now.
Sarah, it says here you started your own YouTube channel.
Does that make you an influencer? No! It really doesn't.
It's, erm... You know those... Have you seen those Get Ready With Me videos that they do...
Oh, yes. ..when you watch somebody and they get ready?
I was going to do one of those, but the first 15 minutes
is just me having a shit and...
I'd watch that. Yeah, I'd watch it. Watch me have a...
I'd watch the first 15 minutes.
So you'd watch the concentration...
You wouldn't want the wiping, but you'd want the straining.
Oh, yeah, I'm not a pervert. Little bit of crying...
Sometimes I have to take me top off because I've got hot.
Oh, my gosh, I do... Yeah. Do you have to have slippers on?
No, why do you have to have slippers on?
I have to have slippers on, I can't have my bare feet... Why?
I need to have the slippers... Is it for purchase?
It just makes me... It just makes me feel grounded and connected.
Connected! Have you ever done a poo
when your feet weren't touching the ground?
Because I stayed in a hotel - in Wales, funnily enough -
where the toilet was on, like, a... a ledge.
That was a shelf.
I think you may have been in a B&Q, Joe. Yeah.
OK, uh, Rhod, what's... what's the one thing
guaranteed to cheer you up? I'm into wild swimming at the moment.
It just clears your head. Where do you do it?
Just in the house.
Just take a bit of LSD, hop in the bath.
Clears the head.
Yeah, completely. Er, anything else?
Just normal stuff we're all into. Bowling.
Where do you do the bowling? In the house.
I just cut off a friend's head...
...buff it up a bit, stick my fingers in it
and lob it down the stairs.
Er, do you have any weird habits?
Not really.
I don't get out much.
Judi... Yeah. Life hacks - have you got any life hacks?
Do you know what, life hack - if you run out of toothpaste,
use salt?
Put salt on a toothbrush... Stay with me.
Back in the day, you'd use salt for everything, to preserve everything.
Just put some salt on the toothbrush...
Yeah. ..and brush your teeth, but don't talk to anyone.
Breath's going to smell like shit.
Just try it. If you run out of Fairy Liquid,
use shower gel to wash the plates - that's a life hack.
The life hack is just use any other shit that's in the house
and make it work. If you run out of champagne, try bleach.
No, no, no.
Oh, we don't run out of champagne, darling, no.
Joe, have you got a mascot? What have you brought for good luck?
I've been in show business for about 15 years,
but I still get imposter syndrome, I still feel like I'm not worthy,
that I shouldn't be here, that it's not good enough.
But that all changed after I started collecting
celebrity urine samples.
Celebrities are just humans, we're all just...
...we're all the same, really, and no celebrity is better than another
and it reminded me that I'm actually fine and I've got all sorts here,
from a sort of... a rich Ross Kemp, that one is,
erm, down to a sort of, ooh, a lovely...
This is a delicious Carol Kirkwood, it smells so...
Some of them have been donated by the celebrities themselves
and some of them sourced from, let's call them unethical GPs.
Er, this was a donation - that's Eammon Holmes.
Still warm. Warm!
It's nice there. It's like he's here. Yes.
Some of the ones at the back here are a bit, erm,
a bit more eclectic. So that's Des Lynam's, that's just dust.
Des Lynam's. Erm, Gino D'Acampo there,
that's a vinaigrette.
Alan Sugar's, just broken glass.
Erm... Well, that explains why he's grumpy.
Yes, and the way he walks. That's mine,
that's a different sample actually, so...
And we've got one here, this is Jimmy Carr's.
Ooh! Just black ink.
That is... Captures your sort of soul, doesn't it?
And your hair. Whoever's hair that is.
And if you're wondering how much the collection is worth,
I've been told it's basically uninsurable.
OK. Sarah, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
I was quite a lonely kid, I didn't really have many friends at school,
erm, but I'll tell you somebody who was always my friend was the dinner lady.
Erm, I've got the new...
...er, dinner-lady comfort doll.
Ooh. But it's just so really I can kind of hold her hand
like I did at school every now and again, just to feel sort of comforted
and less, you know, sort of nervous.
She says comforting things as well, should I...
Oh, go on. Would you like to hear? I'd love to. OK, she says a few. Er...
"More mash, love?"
That's to go with the, you know, with the mash scoop, obviously.
Aw...
"No, you can't come and live with me,
"I live in the school."
Who knew? I didn't know they lived in the school.
"Don't worry about not having any friends,
"it's chips today."
Words to live by.
Er, Judi, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot
and, erm, what it is, you know, obviously, my surname is Love
and I'm all about the love and hooking up and getting peace.
So I thought my mascot is, like, you know, dating shows.
Are you pitching these shows? Yeah.
So, look, "Love will", er, "keep you together."
Lovely, OK. "Love will tear us apart", OK?
And if it tears you apart, find a shag from your neighbour -
"Love thy neighbour."
They get me. Right?
"Love finds a way."
Like, find me or your love in the bush.
Some of us have a bush anyway
and it's just hard enough finding it when you've got the bush.
But if there's a bush outside, you travel through that bush
to get to the bush.
Sorry, is that... Couples have got to find your vagina in a jungle?
I'd watch that. Not exactly, but it's a good show. It's a good show.
You could do a double bill with Millican's shit.
Can mine have a catchier name, do you think, than Millican's Shit?
OK. Rhod, have you got a mascot? What have you brought?
I have got a mascot, Jimmy. Funnily enough, his name is Jimmy.
JUDI GIGGLES
He's a rescue cock.
Like, I went to Battersea Cocks Home...
...and he was in a little cage on the end,
and I fell in love with him.
I don't know what's going on. Are you on LSD again?
No, he's quite... he's quite shy... Jimmy?
Here he is.
He loves this show, he's a big fan... a big fan of this show.
You laugh, don't you, when you're watching this, Jimmy?
IT CACKLES LIKE JIMMY
Where was he? Was he just found abandoned at the side of the road?
I don't know. He was already in Battersea Cocks when I met him.
Would he like to give a sample?
IT CACKLES
Why would they rescue him and take him to the cock house?
Why wouldn't they take him home? Why would who take him home?
Why wouldn't they take him home? If I found a big fat cock
on the side of the road, I would not be taking it to Battersea Cock Home.
Is he still looking for a home though maybe, Judi?
Would you like to go home with Judi, Jimmy?
IT CACKLES
He's getting tired.
I'm not sure if there's room for two massive cocks
with weird laughs like that on this show.
Can we just keep him, then? Well, there's the door!
You can take him off. You can take him away if you want to.
Do you want me to... He's had a long day.
I'll pull him off. Yeah, you pull him off.
Bye-bye, massive penis. Come on.
IT CACKLES
Come on. Come on.
I'm enjoying watching it walk off. I like the little dance!
That was weird, wasn't it?
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Jazz Emu.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Jazz, it's your first time on the show. Tell us about yourself.
Thank you, Jimothy, it's a pleasure to be here.
I am a musician by trade, but, er, I used to be a foley artist,
recording the sound effects for movies.
You're probably familiar with my work,
though you might not know it, er, like the leaking dungeon pipe
in Morgog's Revenge 2.
HE MAKES PLOPPING SOUND That was me.
Not a big deal. Everyone always thinks they know foley, don't they?
They really only know the main ones, like, er...
Like, er, knock two halves of a coconut together,
you get the sound of... Horse's hooves?
Horse hooves, that's exactly right. Yes.
If you do it the other way round - knock two halves of a horse together,
you get the sound of police sirens and a little girl saying,
"Oh, God, my horse, what have you done to my horse?"
It's a fascinating art form.
I'd like to show you some of my foley work, if that's all right.
Thought you were going to show us your horse. Oh, no, no, please.
Not right now, thank you!
I'll just show you some of my work here. CHIME
Ooh. Oh.
Oh, I hate these. Oh, so sorry about this.
"Select all the squares containing traffic lights."
CHIME
"These are railway signals, these are not for traffic."
Seems a little pernickety. Let's try another one.
I really think they could have chosen slightly lower numbers,
Escape, escape.
"Select all the squares containing correctly clicked squares."
Can't even see the squares!
Jazz Emu, everyone.
Now...
And, of course, with Jazz, Susie Dent.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Susie Dent has written 14 books. I wish I knew the secret
to writing an engaging, entertaining, non-fiction book because if I did,
I'd tell Susie.
Susie, what have you been looking into recently? Er, well, er,
genuinely, I have been looking into glory holes, before you ask.
Yes!
But in the Oxford English Dictionary,
so I've been following what it meant over time. It started off meaning
just a corner where you would just heap everything together.
That was the first glory hole. Yeah, sounds about right.
Then it was a hall where the Salvation Army practised.
Sounds about right. Sounds about right.
Erm, and then it was a deep opening in a mine.
Sounds bang on!
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, Rachel!
Rachel Riley or, as I like to think of her, Abacus Barbie.
Oh, I love it. You've described regular Countdown
as the side of yourself you'd show your grandparents
and Cats Countdown as the side you'd show your mates. Yeah.
Who's the real Rachel? I think... You get it, everyone's a bit of a mix.
I think, with most grandparents, you have to watch your words a bit,
but I didn't with my grandma because grew up in the war,
she's from Salford, she also was a dinner lady,
but she thought that she was the reincarnated spirit of Cleopatra.
Do you think Cleopatra would've been gutted to know she came back as a dinner lady?
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
is this - the Countdown melodica.
Little bit of quiet, please, this has been a month's rehearsal. Hit it.
HE PLAYS COUNTDOWN THEME
HE PLAYS FALTERINGLY
HE PLAYS WRONG NOTES
HE PLAYS BADLY
HE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES
APPLAUSE
OK, let's count down, everyone. Time for the first game. Er,
Joe, Judi, you get the first pick of the letters.
We'll take a consonant, please. Thank you, Joe.
S
This must be the letters one, yeah? Yep.
Consonant, yes. A consonant, please. Yep.
F. Consonant. Another consonant? G.
G. Vowel? Vowel, yeah, let's have a vowel!
A. OK. I haven't been on this show for a few years,
I remember it being faster.
Vowel, vowel, consonant, vowel!
O, U,
C, E. Probably a consonant.
Yep, a final T. Right, so let me have... Wait, hold on, babes.
Hang on a minute. I'm trying to catch up. Start again.
S, F, G... I can't see.
A, O, U, C, E, T.
C, E, T. It's not an eye test!
And, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
MONKISH CHANTS
THEY CHANT COUNTDOWN THEME
Ooooh. APPLAUSE
Right.
Come on, then, fellas. Thank you, I'll see you at the orgy.
How many? Seven.
Whoo. Sarah, what have you got?
I just got loads of fives. Uh, Joe, what you got?
I got a seven. Mm-hm. That's impressive. Judi?
Whoa, we're a team, so I've got a seven.
So, you've got a seven, what have YOU got?
Well, you know, I've got a... I've got a five.
What's your five? Erm, I have got SAUCE.
Your five, Sarah, your assorted fives?
I've got GUEST and I've got GOATS.
Rhod, your seven? Mine's, well, I'm hoping - FAUCETS.
Yes. I've got FAUCETS as well.
Whoa! FAUCETS, everyone.
That's an impressive word. Well done. Seven points to both teams.
Jazz, Susie, could they have done any better?
I don't mean to brag, Jimothy, but I actually got an eight.
Wow. Yes.
ATE - "ate".
Three letters. But, er, Susan?
Er, yeah, there is an eight there - OUTFACES,
which is to confront someone boldly and defeat them.
APPLAUSE
OK, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Sarah, Rhod, your turn to pick the numbers.
If you were not good at maths, for example, what would you do?
If you want to have a shot of getting it, I'd go two large,
but it you want to screw not just yourselves but the other team over,
then you could go four large. They don't need to be screwing anyone over.
No, it's too hard. If you want Judi not to get it,
just play the game.
Go for the easy one, I don't want that team to lose interest completely.
Right, four little ones. Glad we got there.
I thought it was... That ship may have sailed.
5, 7, 7,
5... What do we do? Just write them down. 75 and 100.
Look like you know what you're doing, flower.
And the target - 565.
What, that's the number we've got to get? Yeah.
And your time starts... Oh, shit.
...now.
What was it? 565.
SHE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY
Arghh!
Rhod, did you... did you get it?
568, call it.
I've got 564, I think. Oh, well done. 564, pretty close.
No, it's still not right. Joe, did you get it? I got 566.
I got 565.
How did you get 565? I did 100 times 5,
right? Yeah. Add 75.
Yeah. Take away 5.
Which 5? Oh, you... There's two 5... Oh... There's two 5s.
No. I'm confused, right? Look...
You've got one 5 here. We've got to use those numbers.
Take away that... No. And one 5 here. No, no, no.
Well, you know what...
I was born in the '80s and the way we did maths
was a little bit different.
You were so close. Thank you. Sarah, how did you get, er, 564?
Written it down wrong, it's 566 is what I got. 566.
It's one the other way. OK, go on. Er, 5 multiplied by 100
plus 75,
minus both of the 7s plus the 5. Yeah.
Joe, did you get it the same way? Yeah, the same way.
I wasn't far. Yeah, you were. No, you were so close!
No, no, no, I'm listening to the don. She said I wasn't far.
All you needed to do was take off one more 5... Yeah.
So if you do 7 over 7 is 1... Yeah.
...and then you do 100 minus the 1 - 99. Uh-huh.
Then you times it by 5... Yeah.
...you get 495 and then you just, you can carry on. Yeah.
75 and the 5. I think my paper looks just like yours, if I'm honest.
Just one little one different. Seven points to both teams. Genius.
And here is your teaser. The words are RODBALLS,
the clue is - they're hard as concrete. That's RODBALLS,
they're hard as concrete. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser - the words were RODBALLS,
the clue was - they're as hard as concrete. It was of course BOLLARDS.
Wow. My balls are not hard as concrete, I should point out.
Although they are as heavy.
I'm housebound some days.
It's that last little lip to get them out of the doorway, you know. Oh, yeah.
It's like taking a 14-year-old Alsatian for a walk.
Get them to the door and then...
...then I can't get them over that last little lip.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game
is just for Sarah and Joe. Ooh!
So, Sarah, your turn to choose. Oh, no.
Erm, ooh, a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sarah. Good choice. I. Thanks. Another vowel, please.
E. Erm, a couple of consonants, just chuck a couple up.
Thanks, flower. Y, N.
Oh, can I not have those? Why? They're all right.
No, let's have two more consonants, please.
T and P. Oh.
What? Let's have another vowel. A.
And then one more vowel and one more consonant, please.
And O. These are good.
Are they? You've nailed it. L. What if I'm still shit though?
I'm going to take a look at the old Countdown family photo album.
Your time starts now.
Aww. Oh, my God.
A very attractive 14-year-old Goth girl. Erm, Rhod?
Yeah. Were you Goose in Top Gun?
It looks like you've got four eyebrows
and two of them are trying to get away.
That young man there was a bit of a hit with the ladies.
Really? A lot of girlfriends.
Some were girls in my class. Some were older.
Some were, er, cereal boxes with a hole cut in the back. Oh, no.
One was a rubber glove filled with fairy liquid.
Does anyone remember their childhood in the 1950s?
Aww!
Look at that, it's Sarah Millican.
You look like you're playing darts.
You look like a bloke playing darts.
That's the world's first game of "pull my finger", that is.
You got one of you there, Jimmy? Oh, yeah. There's one of me.
Can we see it? There you go, there's me. Is that you? Wow.
It's like someone painted a face on a thumb.
It's like an early prototype for Wallace and Gromit.
He looks like, you know when they show, like, murderers
and then they show, like, their baby pics?
You sort of look and you go, "Yeah, I can see it."
It looks like that. All right, er, Sarah, how many did you get?
Er, only six. Joe, how many?
Seven. Ah, God dammit. Oh!
OK, Sarah, what's your six? PLENTY.
Joe, what did you get? PENALTY. Yes, excellent.
So, er, seven points to Joe's team. Yes!
Could they have done any better? PONYTAIL, that was it.
OK, so at the end of that, Sarah and Rhod have 14 points,
Joe and Judi are in the lead with 21 points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
It's now time for Rhod and Judy to go head-to-head.
Er, Judi, your turn to pick the numbers.
At the top... You want all the top? We want...
...three...
Oh, my God, oh, my God. Four. Four top, yeah. Oh, God.
One middle. Yeah. One middle!
One bottom. One bottom.
Confident? Four large. That's what I'm saying, four tops.
Right, we're going top heavy. Right, the...
...little ones - 9 and 5. You're going top heavy.
And then we've got 75, 25,
50 and 100.
229. OK, and your time starts now.
Oh, it's all to play for. The noise,
the noise is making me nervous.
What have we got to get? 229.
JOE LAUGHS
OK, the target was 229.
Judi, did Joe get it? Erm...
I'm so nervous, I need Joe to explain it for me.
You got it! Wow!
So out of breath. That's amazing, well done. Rhod, did Sarah get it?
No. But, 230.
Well, for the sake of argument, Judi, how did you get it?
100, right? Yes.
Add...75.
Yes. Yeah. Right. Add 50.
Yes. And then I did, right, the 9.
Yes. Take away the 5, motherfos.
You've got it! 229.
Well done. Well done. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
I'm going to call it and say everyone was cheating - no points to anyone.
What?! You've made a mockery of the most boring bit of the show.
So Sarah and Rhod have 14 points, Joe and Judi have 21.
APPLAUSE
CONVERSATION DROWNED OUT
Time to go now to Dictionary Corner. Jazz, what have you got for us?
Jimothy, there's... there's so much pain in this world,
so much suffering like, er, like the little strip of paper
that holds a new roll of bin bags together -
how does it end its life?
Ripped in two and swallowed by the very thing it swore to protect.
And I've had enough, I'm standing up
against the evil and suffering in this world... FUNKY BASS LICK
...and I'm not afraid to speak truth to power.
To speak out against the things that make life hard for people.
♪ English language ♪ English language
♪ We've all had enough of you making it tough for us all
♪ To pronounce ya
♪ You need to pick a frickin' lane with the sounds you're making
♪ like O-U-G-H
♪ It's said how it's spelt ♪ "Oog"?
♪ Psych, it's...
♪ What the fough is ough with that? ♪ I'm so confused
♪ English lang-ua-gay ♪ English lang-ua-gay
♪ We've all had "enoo" of you making it "too" for us
♪ To "prono-wonkay"
♪ It feels like you're just taking the P out of pterodactyl
♪ To fough with us
♪ Let's talk about queue, that sound's already the first letter
♪ So what's with the extra "way-way"?
♪ Are we just adding any old shit to the endings of words now?
♪ In that case, I'll have the "fish and chips"
♪ English lan-joo-ajay ♪ English lan-joo-ajay
♪ We've all had "enow" of you making it "tow" for us
♪ To pronoo-ouncay ♪ Pronoo-ouncay
♪ Why is the plural of mouse mice
♪ But we can't live in semi-detached hice?
♪ If you keep on laughing at me, you're going to drive me
♪ To commit mans-laughter
♪ And don't even get me started on the place names
♪ Chum-lee?
♪ Hayz-brough?
♪ Woolzery? You know what
♪ Screw this, I'm moving to France... ♪
Oh, sweet Jesus.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you.
Whoo!
Jazz Emu there, that was fantastic. I've never seen Susie have so much fun.
And here is your teaser. The words are SHITSFAR
and the clue is - it's a wet one. That's SHITSFAR, it's a wet one.
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser - the words were SHITSFAR,
the clue was - it's a wet one.
It was of course, STARFISH. Oh! OK, time now for a quick bonus round.
So far, we have tested their maths and English skills.
But it's time now to test their general knowledge.
So let's play Didn't Go To University Challenge.
The team with the most correct answers at the end of this wins five bonus points.
Here's your first question, it's all about ancient history.
Ahh! Oh, God.
We all know Susie Dent has been on this show for a long time,
but which of these events happened before Susie's first appearance
on Countdown?
You may confer with your team-mate.
THEY CONVERSE QUIETLY
Oh, also, I didn't get an A in maths.
What did you get? What did you get? A star.
THEY GROAN Come on!
Such a dick. Oh, my God.
We don't say it enough, she is such a dick.
OK. Joe, Judi, we need an answer.
B. B. We think text message.
Rhod, Sarah? A, please.
The answer is, er, none of them. Incredibly, they've all happened
since Susie Dent has been on Countdown. Whoa.
We've actually got a picture of Susie's first appearance on Countdown -
take a look at this.
No, we've got... No, that's the wrong... that's from her second year.
Let's have a look at a picture of her,
this is her first appearance, take a look.
Oh, wow. OK, next up in Didn't Go To University Challenge,
we have a practical challenge for you.
The London accent was recently voted the sexiest in the UK.
Quite right. We're going to put that to the test.
I'm going to give you each something to read and I want to see
who has the sexiest accent.
Susie, you're our linguistic expert, so you'll be judging. OK.
Ooh. OK? Joe, you're up first.
This is how to prepare a roast turkey.
The Brummie accent came seventh,
so let's have it as sexy as possible, please.
Well, obviously, I don't have a Brummie accent because I went to a grammar school,
but... I will try and recreate what the people around me sound like.
Loosen the skin over the breast...
...by slipping your fingers in at the neck end,
spread softened butter liberally over both breasts.
Handle the giblets gently
and thoroughly stuff the cavity.
Roast for at least 90 minutes until the juices run clear,
be sure to turn halfway through, you bastard.
APPLAUSE Sexy. Sexy.
That was nice. That was sexy. Yeah.
I like that because you know "joining giblets"
was once a euphemism for sex.
In what context would you say "joining..."
This was about 150 years ago, when I'd just started on Countdown.
Judi, you're up next. OK. Let's see if the London accent
is really the sexiest. Here's an aeroplane safety procedure. Take it away, Judi Love.
In the event of an unexpected landing,
the exits are located here and here.
Inflate your life jacket by firmly tugging the cord.
If necessary, use two... hands.
To further inflate...
...blow...
...strongly into the mouth piece.
Always blow... your own
before blowing... others around you.
APPLAUSE
OK. The Welsh accent, fourth sexiest, Rhod.
Fourth? Let's see if you can sex up
the Haynes repair manual for a 1961 Volvo.
HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT: Remove the nut from the camshaft...
Thought he was doing me!
Ohh, I'll tell you what, Rhod,
there's not a dry seat in the house.
Remove the nut from the camshaft, now remove the thrust flange,
start it on its way by getting purchase under the two holes in the timing gear.
Be careful not to push the camshaft backwards, certainly do not hammer it...
...because the hole is supposed to be sealed off for life
and it certainly won't be if the camshaft is hammered against it.
APPLAUSE Yeah, I mean... Really good.
I can tell you, the Geordie accent, Sarah,
was voted the third sexiest in the country.
You've got the side effects of a well-known medicine.
OK.
Headaches...
Ohh! ..nausea...
...bloating...
...tummy cramps...
...fluid retention...
...overproduction of saliva.
Unexpected swelling of the glands.
Constipation.
Diarrhoea...
Excessive...
...diarrhoea...
...and... SHE GASPS ORGASMICALLY
...erectile dysfunction.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Very impressive. That's really good.
Can you say "saliva" again?
Saliva.
I am as hard as an old Parmesan down there.
OK, Susie, who's got the sexiest voice? Oh, that's so hard.
Just because of the fluid retention and the saliva,
it's got to be Sarah. You get the five bonus points.
Bonus points. There's points!
OK, all right, on with the game.
Joe, Judi, you get to pick the letters.
Continent. Con...
Continent! Consonant. A couple of continents.
R. Continent. Continent. R and L.
Vowel. A.
Vowel. E.
Er, consonant.
M. Consonant.
D. What do you fancy, a little vowel maybe?
Yeah, vowel, yeah, that's what I was thinking, a vowel.
Cheeky I. Erm, consonant.
T. Vowel.
This is good. guys. A final E. You always say that.
And your time starts... Wait, wait, wait, wait!
...now. Wait... There's a screen in front of you, Judi.
Where? Oh, yeah. There is!
Judi, how many? I've got EL, I've got LATE,
I've got DATE, I've got REMI.
Can I take this opportunity to congratulate you on LATE?
I think that's really good. Thank you.
I was too busy looking for longer ones, I didn't see it.
OK, so you got a four-letter word. Er, Joe?
Seven. Seven. Yeah. Pretty great. OK, Sarah, how many?
Seven. Seven, oh. Rhod, how many? I'm going eight.
Eight, these are exciting times. Er, Sarah, your seven?
MEDIATE? MEDIATE. That's a good word.
Joe, your seven? TRAILER. You need two Rs.
Oh, I need two Rs.
Uh, Rhod, your eight? REMEDIAL.
- - Damn. - Wow. - He's only gone and bloody done it. APPLAUSE
Eight points to, er, Sarah and Rhod.
Let me tell you something, if this was a three-word...
Four... Not word. Three-letter word challenge,
I'd fuck this place up.
What would your word be?
CAR.
Oh, what, from these? There's no C!
Er, do you know, I just was in the moment.
You asked me for a three-letter word and I just...
...I just said CAR.
But if it was that, I would go for ATE.
Out of interest, Judi, is it harder to come up with
a random three-letter word with the clock going behind you?
It is! And it's... it's really hard!
Ohh... Look, he's just looking at me...
Ooh! CAT!
Just popped into my head. APPLAUSE
Just popped in my head then.
Wow. OK, Jazz Emu, Susie Dent, could they have done any better?
No better, we just got eights too. They couldn't.
I've only just realised you get the number of points the word... thing.
"We got eight!" Who's not getting the game now?
Wow. Wow.
That's another good three-letter word there.
She's on fire. She's on fire.
Roll through you! OK.
OK. Sarah and Rhod are in the lead with 27 points.
APPLAUSE Oh, wow. Amazing.
Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Jazz Emu, what have you got for us? Er, I love forming close connections
with other humans, you know. In fact, er,
the human connection that most inspired me over the last year
was actually this, er, genuine email I received in my junk inbox.
It was so lyrical in the way that it was written
that I was inspired to write a song with it.
JOLLY INTRO
♪ Dear Henderson
♪ I am contacting with urgent request
♪ I am grieve to say your relation David Henderson
♪ Recently killed in a motor accident in my country
♪ He leave some money total $1.3 million
♪ In account that shares your name, Henderson
♪ And I like give it all to you
♪ My brothe...
♪ All I need is you can make a modest payment
♪ And I send all funds to you
♪ My brothe...
♪ Just a $280
♪ Can allow me to transmit this funds to you
♪ Well, well, well
♪ Since you do not send the payment, I have bad news
♪ I have many webcam picture
♪ This is picture from the webcam of him looking at some
♪ Well, just say some naughty picture
♪ And police can be interested
♪ You guessed
♪ This pictures are of you
♪ My brothe...
♪ And I promise to send to to your friends and family
♪ If not receive payment soon
♪ My brothe...
♪ I don't think that you will like this
♪ And, yes, your mother is every upset
♪ Oh, she's upset
♪ You upset your mother
♪ Kind regards,
♪ Doctor Johnstone Bennett
♪ Legal Finance Assosciate ♪
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
And your final teaser, er, the words are IBANGROD,
the clue is - everyone jump on.
That's IBANGROD, everyone jump on.
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser - the words were IBANGROD,
the clue was - everyone jump on. It was, of course, BOARDING.
OK, time for our final letters game. Sarah and Rhod, your turn to choose.
You want to choose? It's nice actually to have a chance.
Yeah, yeah, go for it, love. All consonants, please.
It's not Welsh Countdown.
What do you fancy? Consonant. Consonant.
Good start. Well done. W. Another consonant.
Oh, I love Ws. S.
Another consonant. I love an S...
M. Oh, thank God. Now put a vowel in there, Rachel.
O. Put another vowel in there, Rachel, please.
U. Put another vowel in there, Rachel, please.
E. There's MOUSE up there, Judi, if you're interested.
I saw it.
I've already written it down.
Consonant, please. D. Consonant.
X. A vowel, please.
And a final I.
Ooh. Right, I'm starving. Erm, Fabio,
can I... If the oysters are fresh, I'll get the oysters.
Oh, your time starts now.
Oh, lovely. Thank you.
And they're fresh, yes?
Oysters...
DEEP GURGLING
Ohh...
GURGLING
Fabio, can you grab me the bucket?
Urghhh!
Oh, that is awful!
HE BELCHES AND RETCHES
APPLAUSE
I think that's it. Better out than in. Sorry about that, Fabio.
Does anyone...
Does anyone want an oyster? They're actually all right.
Judi, how many you got? Five.
Joe, how many? Six. Six, OK. Sarah?
Five. Sad. Rhod, how many?
I'll go a risky seven, shall I? Yeah, risky. Judi, your five?
I think I might know. MOUSE.
APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
Could you put MOUSED? No. Yeah!
MOUSED, yeah. I've got actually this there. I've got that there - MOUSED.
Sarah, your five? No, I said six.
No... You said five.
It's just my accent. It's strong.
MOUSED
I've got it written down! OK, MOUSE, MOUSE. OK, so really,
this is Joe versus Rhod here. Joe, your six?
MOUSED
APPLAUSE
This is amazing!
This is the best round I've ever done!
Everyone talks about my five... five... letters... leh...
Very well slurred.
OK, Rhod, your risky seven?
MEDIOUS? MEDIOUS.
No. Go on. No.
Six points to Joe and Judi, it's neck and neck.
GASPING AND WHOOPING
Jazz, Susie, could they have done any better? No.
You could have EXODUS and WISDOM as well.
This is a crucial Countdown conundrum, OK?
Winner takes all. Your time starts now.
BELL Joe Lycett for the win.
Is it MONEYBAGS?
Oh, it is! He's got it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Joe Lycett and Judi Love!
it came down to the wire, but the final scores are -
Sarah and Rhod have 27, Judi and Joe have 37 points.
You're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown melodica.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media