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This program me contains
strong language and adult humour
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Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,
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Jon Richardson, Roisin Conaty,
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Asim Chaudry, Joe Wilkinson,
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Lucy Pearman, Susie Dent,
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Rachel Riley
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and your host, jimmy Carr!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello, and welcome
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to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,
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a show about letters
numbers and conundrums.
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OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up,
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it's team captain jon Richardson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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I'm not sayingjon Richardson
is short,
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but even when he's standing up,
his feet don't touch the ground.
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And Jon's team-mate, Asim Chaudry.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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In March, 2021 Asim starred
in an advert where he played
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an aerial installer who gets stuck
in a skylight.
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and I for one think it's important
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for actors to pursue
those passion projects.
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What was the advert for?
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Wa lke rs.
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I've never seen that done
with just one finger.
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I thought that was very
nipple twisting.
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Up against them this evening,
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it's guest team captain
Roisin Conaty.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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When it comes to Countdown,
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Roisin's better at
the letters than the numbers,
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in the same way that a cat is better
at rugby than football.
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And joining Roisin tonight,
it's Joe Wilkinson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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You might recognisejoe,
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but you can't think
where you know him from.
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Well, if you've ever seen
that picture depicting evolution
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that starts with an ape
on the left on all fours,
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and ends up with
a human walking upright,
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well, Joe is the guy from
the middle.
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Asim, you starred in
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the last Guardians of the Galaxy
movie. Yeah.
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So, do you play a cool superhero,
badass villain?
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What were you in the movie?
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No, I actually play
a massive walrus.
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So, typeca... Why you laughing?
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Typecasted, you know.
Er, but, yeah, I play...
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I play a walrus
and he's a very cute animal
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and he kind of talks,
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I did, like, a kind of
very dopey geezer voice like,
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"Hello, my name's..." you know.
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It's either that or kind of, like,
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you know dodgy, TV child presenter
voice,
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like, "Hello, kids!" It was a cross
between that.
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I did all the CGI for it. I was in,
you know, those tight little...
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I looked like a tightly packed
kebab, it was disgusting.
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the meat hanging out of me.
It was fun.
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I mean, the Marvel Universe
is mental.
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So, you had to do the full dress up
in a green screen thing and...
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For another show as well, er,
Sandman, where I have a pet gargoyle
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and I had to do loads of emotional
scenes with the gargoyle, right,
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and it's basically a guy
in a green suit,
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like a leotard, and I'm trying
to do this emotional scene
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and I'm like, "Mate, I can see
your bulge."
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And he was Messed.
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That would have made me
more emotional. Yeah.
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It made me very sad actually.
It was out of jealousy.
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I'm glad you've learnt that lesson
before you arrived here today.
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I mean, I look down there,
I'm fuming.
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Do you have a big willy, Jon?
I've never asked.
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I think he does, he's got that vibe.
You know nerdy, cardigan, funny.
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I wanna know, seriously.
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What about instead of a prize
at the end, whoever wins...
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We're playing for
a look at Jon's cock.
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Now, take this seriously.
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I've seen it, I don't wanna win.
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Jon, what's the scariest thing
that's ever happened to you?
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Oh, the thought of showing my cock
tojoe Wilkinson.
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That's probably up there.
Well, there's a couple.
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I'm embracing fear in general
in my life.
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I found out that Tony Blair
used to, er,
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he used to do PMQs needing a wee.
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He thought it made him more
sort of dynamic.
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So, I do a similar thing with this -
just before we come out,
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I have a really hot curry
and an iced coffee.
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I've sort of taken it
to the next level.
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I think if he's that good
needing a wee,
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what if he might actually void
his bowels at any point?
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I quite like being beaten up
when I need a wee.
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You can use it, can't you,
like an octopus with its ink.
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OK. Roisin, what's the most showbiz
thing you've ever done?
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I...| like clogs, erm...
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So you like dogging.
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No, I like clogs
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and whenever I travel a lot
for work, I like
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to find out where
the local dog parks are,
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er, so I can go and pet clogs.
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It makes me sound not, like...
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Slightly weirder than dogging now!
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My point is, if there's a really,
like, fit dog and I wanna go over
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and the owner looks like...
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Not in a sexual way!
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If I want some quality time
with the dog
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but the owner looks busy,
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I have been known to sort of quickly
take my hair down
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and put on a bit of red lipstick
before I walk over
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and be like,
"ls that your dog?"
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and hope that they've seen me
at one point on telly
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and not hated what they've seen,
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and then I get to pet the dog
for longer.
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Cos my sister went over to
a dog once and they were like,
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"No, none of it," and I went over
and they were like,
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"Oh, roll over! Suck him off!"
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Did you? Of course. What do you
think the lipstick's for?
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Joe, do you have any hobbies
we don't know about?
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Erm, I pretend to be a dog.
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In Roisin's park.
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OK, Asim, have you got a mascot?
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Yeah, I do actually, erm,
it's one of my heroes.
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Someone I really, I really admire,
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and the reason I love this guy is
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that he doesn't really have
any talent,
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but he has so much charisma,
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and who I'm talking about is,
erm, Dj Khaled.
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So, he's, like, a producer,
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but he doesn't really
produce anything.
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He's got all these number one
hit songs,
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but I just love him
cos of his energy
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and his positivity,
and he's unintentionally funny,
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he doesn't know he's being funny.
So, I dunno if
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he's a comedy genius or he's just
thick as pig shit.
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We do look quite a lot alike.
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I think you guys have got
some pictures,
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if you see he actually...
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Look, you see, he nicks all
my poses, and actually, sometimes
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I get spotted out in the streets
and people are like...
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You know sometimes they don't know
where you're from.
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One guy was like, "Dj Khaled!"
and I was like, "Another one..."
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I took a picture with him
and everything.
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I mean, look, he posted it,
and it just says,
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"just met Dj Khaled."
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Ancl the exciting part of that is
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that I actually reached out
to Khaled
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and he's a massive Countdown fan.
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His people sent me this doll
cos I said I need a mascot.
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So, he sent me this doll
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and he even recorded
some voice notes for it.
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Can we try it? Please.
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Asim Chaudry is
a better looking version of me!
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You obviously just made it yourself.
Yeah, I made that.
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Roisin, have you got a mascot?
I do, jimmy.
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I find sometimes I get quite
stressed on the show cos, erm,
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I'm not the greatest
at playing the games.
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I need something to take
the edge off.
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I don't drink alcohol any more.
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If you could bring it in for me,
that would be great.
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It's just a little something,
like what I'd have if
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I was at home just trying to unwind,
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relax, you know,
just watching a bit of Countdown.
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What is this?
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It's lovely, isn't it? Two spoons,
I hate when they do that.
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It's rude, isn't it?
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Have you brought
a massive ice cream?
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It's to help me chill out.
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JOE: It's in a vase.
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This will help me unwind
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and probably send me to sort of
a coma at some point.
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What, are you trying
to get Type 3 diabetes?
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That's a lot of ice cream.
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But the thing is...
Oh, I've just licked my hand.
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Erm, sorry on TV, it's just...
It's all right.
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I'll lick 'em.
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If you don't wanna do it,
someone's gotta do it.
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I know. So, this will take
the edge off
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and sometimes I've taken too much
of the edge off
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and not been able to see
the letters on the board.
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Erm, so what I've clone is
a double pronged attack...
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I do need to... Lick those!
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The other thing I've brought in...
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Tease.
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...are these smelling salts.
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You've brought in an ice cream
and smelling salts?
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Oh, I'm going all angles
to win tonight.
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Right.
We're gonna see that fella's todger.
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These are called Power Sniff.
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"For serious competitors looking
for a psychological edge."
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Wow.
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Shall I take some now?
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I wanna see what effect
it actually has.
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I'm a bit scared, are you scared?
No.
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OK. You're shaking.
Oh, oh!
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Give us a go.
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I feel like I just went back
in time.
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OK, I should say, er,
if there's any children watching,
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don't try this at home.
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Oh, my Christ! Jesus wept!
You're only meant to...
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Do you want a go?
We don't juice. Yeah.
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We're gonna win healthy.
All right?
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Yeah, stay clean.
We fucking do!
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OK Jon, have you got a mascot?
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I've been watching
the Harry Potter films
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with my daughter,
I really like the sorting hat.
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So, you put it on the kid's head
and it tells you
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what school they're gonna be in.
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If they're going Gryffindor,
they're a goodie.
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00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,975
If they're going Slytherin,
they're a baddie.
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And if they go in the other two, they're
not gonna be in the rest of the films.
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And I got to thinking
it would be good to have
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00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,655
a sorting hat just for society.
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So, you put it on s0me0ne's head
and just know if they're
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00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,535
a dickhead or what sort
of person they are.
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00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,535
So, I spoke to the guys in, er,
the lab and, er,
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we've actually developed
a prototype.
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00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,935
And I have say at this point,
this is not a sorting hat
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00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,935
and if you were a lawyer
representing anyone
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00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,455
who thought this was
a sorting hat,
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00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:22,575
you can fuck right off.
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This isjon Richardson's Putting
Things Into Groups head wear.
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Here he is. Oh, lovely.
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Still in the sort of
prototype phase.
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But I'll test it out
on myself first,
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00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,255
that's the only fair thing
to do, isn't it?
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00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,255
Which way is it?
Pointing that way.
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00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,575
And see what he says about me.
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00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,735
HAT: Hmm, a good man,
honest and clean
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00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,815
and very sexy.
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00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,935
Oh, it is good. Well, it obviously
works, there's no denying that.
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00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,575
So I thought if nobody minds,
we'll start with you, Joe,
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is that all right?
Yeah, yeah. All right.
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If you're wondering how everyone
in show business got nits...
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HAT: Aah! A twat.
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00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,735
That's a bit mean.
It's good, isn't it?
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What about me?
No, I haven't done you.
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00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,855
I'll do you next.
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00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,415
HAT: Hmm! Interesting.
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00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,775
Another twat.
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00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:28,175
Jon! I'm really sorry.
He's gone rogue. I'll try Asim.
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00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,655
This is passive aggression
gone wild.
239
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,775
HAT: Ah! definitely a twat.
240
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,735
Shall we try it on jimmy?
241
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,735
Well, yeah, let's try it,
let's just... It should be fine.
242
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,575
HAT: Don't even think about
putting me on that twat.
243
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,615
That's so cool!
244
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,135
Joe, have you got a mascot?
245
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,135
I, er... You know I work, er...
246
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,775
Well, you might not know,
but I also work... Ohh!
247
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,815
just have a sly bit
of ice cream there, Roisin.
248
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,935
I'm sure it's rather distracting.
Start again, it didn't happen.
249
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,255
You even keep eye contact
with him as well.
250
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,495
All I saw was...
251
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,655
You basically saw what the dog saw.
252
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,535
Joe, have you got a mascot?
Oh, yeah.
253
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,255
I, er,
you might not know this,
254
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:28,655
but I also work for Aldi,
the budget supermarket chain,
255
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,455
and what I do for them is,
you know, erm,
256
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,255
Aldi make, like, products
that are quite similar
257
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,815
to well-known brands?
258
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,895
My job is coming up with
the names that are similar
259
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,295
to those well-known brands
but a bit shitter.
260
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,615
And, er, like for example,
261
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,095
I'm sure you've heard of
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
262
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,655
Yeah, what have you got?
263
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,095
Er, Aldi's version is...
264
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:53,095
If It's Not Butter,
What The Fuck ls It?
265
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,335
We all love Dairylea Triangles,
right?
266
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,775
Delicious, yeah, sure.
Our version of, er,
267
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:09,735
Dairylea Triangles are
Milky Steve Oblongs.
268
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,535
I've never considered
that Dairylea was just called Lea
269
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,255
who started some cheese.
270
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,975
Hobnobs - ours are simply called...
271
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,935
Top Part Of the Cooker
Piers Morgans.
272
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,055
And, er, and now you might
not know this,
273
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,455
but they've also started
bringing out board games.
274
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,775
So, we're venturing into
board games.
275
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,095
So, you've all heard of Buckaroo.
276
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,175
Our version of Buckaroo
is simply, er...
277
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,975
Ruin My Ass.
278
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,375
Possibly you can see under there,
279
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,975
"How much can your ass take
before it collapses?"
280
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,575
joe Wilkinson, everyone.
281
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,855
Over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Lucy Pearman.
282
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,215
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
283
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,815
Lucy, welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats.
284
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,295
It's an honour to be here
and meet everyone,
285
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,295
because of course,
we've never met before, have we?
286
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,655
No.
287
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,175
MOBILE PHONE RINGING
288
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,895
That's my phone.
289
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,295
Hello?
290
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,695
Yeah, I'm here. Yeah.
291
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:32,295
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's here, yeah.
292
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,455
Er, like, a jacket, a blazer,
293
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,415
a tie with a sort of
light blue stripe
294
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,015
and then he's just naked
from the waist down.
295
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,535
Dyes it, yeah,
definitely dyes it.
296
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,095
Yeah, OK. Gotta go, gotta go.
Sorry, gotta go.
297
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,895
And then, erm, I just thought I'd
ask the cleverest person I know.
298
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:01,095
What do you get when you
peel a banana?
299
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,935
Fl... Oh, flume.
300
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,735
No, it's, er, a cock.
301
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,615
And with Lucy, of course,
it's Susie Dent!
302
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:10,815
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
303
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,175
I'm not saying Susie's books
aren't successful,
304
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,935
but more people have read
the terms and conditions
305
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,655
of their mobile phone contract.
306
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:26,295
Er, Susie, it says here
you collect eggcorns.
307
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,295
What exactly is an eggcorn?
308
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,655
We kind of mishear things
and then they become...
309
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,295
...we're just convinced
that they're right,
310
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,735
like, erm, a doggy dog world,
311
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,375
er, like a bowl in a china shop.
There are lots of them.
312
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,975
But I'll give you some of
my recent favourites. Go on.
313
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,335
One... I don't know why this one
makes me laugh.
314
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,215
To cut your nose off despite
your face.
315
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,735
Lack toast intolerance. Yeah.
I like that one.
316
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,295
You know with my, like,
317
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,655
my immigrant clad,
he's Pakistani,
318
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,695
pidgin English as well,
it's kind of similar. Yeah.
319
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,295
Like, my Dad says loads
of wrong things.
320
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,335
But one of my favourites ever
321
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,415
is instead of, er,
eat your heart out, he once said,
322
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,775
in front of all my mates, he went,
"Well, there we go, mate.
323
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,575
"Eat your arse out."
324
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,135
Ancl he said it with such confidence,
you know...
325
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,815
Ancl I said, "How long have you
been saying this for, Dad?!" Wow!
326
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,175
"What do you mean?
That's how you say it."
327
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,135
I'm loving it. Sorry, can
we just take a break here?
328
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,935
Cos someone's eating a Flake.
329
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,815
It's down, it's down, it's down.
330
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,695
In charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!
331
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,255
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
332
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,975
It says here you hosted
a special edition of Countdown
333
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,375
with the England Squad. Tell me,
334
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,735
who's better at Countdown -
comedians or footballers?
335
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,775
I think the England squad
were actually surprisingly good.
336
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,775
Who was there? James Maddison
against Luke Shaw, and it was for...
337
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,415
So, Channel 4 got some of the sport,
338
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,055
so they were playing
an England game,
339
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,015
and they thought, you know,
Channel 4 viewers,
340
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:53,175
if you mash two shows up,
they'll watch any old shit, so...
341
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,375
LAUGHTER
342
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,975
Were they better than us, Rach?
343
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,375
They were actually pretty good.
They were only told that morning
344
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,695
that they were gonna do it.
Oh, fuck off!
345
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,775
That is all I've got!
346
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,575
You know those fit millionaires
who are great at football?
347
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,095
They're better than you at the
fucking word stuff, as well.
348
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,855
OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this -
349
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,695
the Countdown stylophone.
350
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,775
A bit of hush, everyone.
351
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,255
Take it away, Fabio.
352
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,815
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
353
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,975
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
354
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,775
Roisin andjoe,
your first pick of the letters.
355
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,335
Woo.
356
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,575
Have some more ice cream,
keep the buzz up.
357
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,415
I've clone quite a lot on the sly.
I've been sneaky eating.
358
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,175
There's no flakes left, are there?
359
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,015
Please, Rachel, may we have
two from the top...?
360
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,375
No, no, that's not even...
361
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,655
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
362
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,535
Please may we have...
363
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,335
Consonant, vowel... Erm...
364
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,215
How shit do you have to be at
Countdown...?
365
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,895
It's been a while. It's been a
while. "Two from the top, please!"
366
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,615
It's been a while.
367
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,575
Erm, please may we have
a consonant, please, Rachel?
368
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:27,935
VU"
369
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,775
Another consonant, please.
370
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,215
S
371
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,375
Try and spell out a word,
otherwise we're buggered. Oh, and...
372
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,815
...a vowel, please.
373
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,495
E. Can you put that
in the middle of...?
374
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,095
Can you make it W-E-S?
375
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,735
Thank you. I don't know if that's...
376
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,335
Another vowel, please, Rachel.
377
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,775
How many vowels do we do? Four?
378
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:45,855
A
379
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,135
Er, can you put the A
next to the...?
380
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,535
Very fluid. Literally arsed it up.
Another consonant, please, Rachel.
381
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:53,855
D
382
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,375
D? Another consonant, please.
383
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,175
Oh, it's messing with my head now.
P.
384
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,495
Another consonant, please.
385
00:18:58,520 --> 00:18:59,815
S
386
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:03,815
Ancl two more vowels, please.
S, these are betters! Ancl...
387
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,135
...U and O.
388
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,855
OK, quick health and safety
announcement.
389
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,295
Yeah, OK.
390
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,175
The Countdown troll has escaped,
391
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,535
and I don't wanna alarm anyone
but it's mating season for trolls.
392
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,535
So, erm, just don't approach it
if you see the troll
393
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,135
cos it is...it is a prick.
394
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,335
Oh, God...
395
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,655
I mean, honestly, I think
you'll probably be fine.
396
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,175
Er, your time starts now.
397
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,735
GROWLING >
Fuck me. Oh, my God.
398
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,215
LAUGHTER
399
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,135
WOW!
400
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,295
Oh, God, fuck off.
401
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,535
TROLL GROWLS
402
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,935
Fucking hell.
403
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,135
Why did he go for me?
404
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,655
COUNTDOWN MUSIC ENDS
405
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,655
LAUGHTER
406
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,855
I...|'ll sort this.
I'll have a word.
407
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,855
I thought I told you to fuck off.
408
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,135
TROLL GROWLS
409
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,775
What?
410
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,175
Fucking bell-end.
411
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,175
APPLAUSE
412
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,655
Prick.
413
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,015
Erm, Roisin, how many letters?
414
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,815
Six. Six, OK.
JOE: Oh, well clone.
415
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,415
Joe, how many letters?
416
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,175
Er, a five or a risky three.
417
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,855
OK, er, Asim?
418
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,135
That really shit me up.
419
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,735
Yeah, I've only got four
420
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,615
and it's related to what happened.
421
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,615
Er, Jon? A six.
422
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:40,895
Asim, your four?
423
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,255
Well, as I was saying,
when he was coming up to me,
424
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,615
he really shit me up,
so I just had DEAD.
425
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,015
That's what...
You had DEAD, did you?
426
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,415
Oh, shit.
427
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:50,855
OK, you see, that's...
428
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,775
Wait, fuck!
429
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,095
Erm, Joe, your five?
430
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,415
SWAPE. Could you use SWAPE
in a sentence? Cos...
431
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,575
SW APE? Yeah, SWAPE. SW APE.
432
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,935
ROISIN: It's a past tense of swipe.
You SWAPE it.
433
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,335
"How was your time on Tinder
last night?" "Oh..."
434
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,135
"I SWAPE the Shit out of it."
435
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:07,815
OK, Roisin, your six?
436
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,775
My six is SOUPED.
437
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,095
Oh!
438
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,055
Very nice. jon, your six?
What's your six?
439
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,575
PAUSED.
440
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,815
Oh. Oh, very...
441
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,295
Such a boring word.
442
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,775
Six points to both teams.
443
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,295
Was it boring?
444
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,615
OK, so, er, Lucy, Susie,
could they have done any better?
445
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,735
Yes. She's got PSEUDOS. Yeah.
446
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,375
So, at the end of that,
both teams have six points.
447
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,255
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
448
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,815
Onto our first numbers round.
449
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,775
OK, Jon, Asim, you get to
pick the numbers.
450
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,135
Let me just say,
I've been on this show once before.
451
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,495
I am terrible at maths
and one of the reasons...
452
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,415
You're not amazing at English, mate!
I...
453
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,775
No, that was the troll's fault,
all right?
454
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,295
But can I just say something?
The reason I'm so bad at maths
455
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,775
is cos I had a horrible
maths teacher
456
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,415
who used to make me feel so dumb.
When I used to ask a question,
457
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,215
she used to do this.
She used to go...
458
00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,495
HE SIGHS LOUDLY
459
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,895
"like that.
Ancl I stopped asking questions.
460
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,215
I haven't even got a maths GCSE.
There, I've said it.
461
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,535
I lied on my CV. I even...
462
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,455
I retook...
Can we get him off the show?
463
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,215
I did a year...
464
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,575
I retook the GCSE as well,
and I failed
465
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,935
because I was terrified of
that teacher in school.
466
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,295
Sorry, you retook it and you failed?
Yeah.
467
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,015
Do you know how I feel about it?
Yeah?
468
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,455
HE SIGHS
469
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,455
Little 12-year-old me is crying
right now.
470
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,975
Luckily you've come on a show
where we're all really supportive.
471
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,495
OK, let's go. Pick the numbers.
472
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:32,895
Can we have two big ones, please?
473
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,135
Yeah, two big ones
474
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,975
and four little ones.
And four little ones.
475
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,775
You've got 1, 6,
476
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,655
5, 5,
477
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:40,975
75 and 50.
478
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,215
Oh, fella.
479
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,215
And the target, 528.
480
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,055
Is that doable?
OK, and your time starts
481
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,375
now. Is that doable?
482
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,615
6, 1...
483
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,055
What's the number? 528.
484
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,255
1°", did you get it?
485
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,575
I got 527.
486
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,895
OK. Asim, did you
write anything down?
487
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,295
Can I just say, if...
488
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,815
Rachel if I get this...
Yeah?
489
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,415
Is this better than a GCSE?
490
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,455
Like, did you say that?
If you get this
491
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,815
I'll, like, speak to someone,
I'll get you a GCSE.
492
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,335
You'll get me a maths GCSE?
If you get this.
493
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,215
Yeah, we'll get you one.
We've got that kind of power.
494
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,935
Right. Well, no,
I was nowhere close.
495
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,135
Roisin? 530.
496
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,655
OK, Joe?
497
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,415
Er, I got the same as Jon,
and did it the same way.
498
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,135
jon, why don't you go?
You do one and then I'll do one.
499
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,775
We'll do it together, yeah.
OK, yeah.
500
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,695
So, 75...
What's your move, Joe?
501
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,455
Times. Times.
502
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,255
75 times...
Oh, yeah, yeah.
503
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,775
..6.
504
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,135
Oh, well played. Equals, equals.
505
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,455
Equals, yeah.
They're both doing it.
506
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,135
+1
507
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,575
Ah, so we get rid of the equals.
Yeah.
508
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,295
OK. You could have clone it
both ways.
509
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,615
Oh, plus five. That's what I did.
510
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,975
Well, you can do that, yeah,
you can do that. I did...
511
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,735
50+5=1O
512
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,055
Yeah.
513
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,095
Divided by the other five is two,
and added that on.
514
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,535
527, one away.
515
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,335
But it's useful to see how in sync
we were then.
516
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,215
Can I just check something?
I did...
517
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,495
5+5=1O
518
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,535
Yeah.
519
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,175
10x50 = 500.
520
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:42,815
Yeah.
521
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,335
Yeah.
522
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,855
LAUGHTER
523
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,095
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
524
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,575
The most patronising clap
I've had in my fucking life!
525
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,815
Leave no child behind!
526
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,735
Well, I think we can agree,
that's er,
527
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,495
seven points to both teams.
528
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,575
Why is it seven? Because...
529
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,615
If you get close... Oh, OK.
530
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,655
Er, Rachel, could it be done?
531
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,975
Joe's way is obviously
the best you could have clone.
532
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,015
This was impossible.
533
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:16,975
OK. Time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
534
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,415
Erm, Lucy, are you OK over there?
535
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:23,455
I just thought that I might
get a kiss. Maybe someone...
536
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,095
...in the audience.
537
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:28,295
You wanna go and pick someone
in the audience to kiss? Yeah.
538
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,695
Yeah, that seems appropriate
in this day and age!
539
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,815
Erm...
540
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,015
Do you mind?
541
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,615
No, not you, no.
542
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,575
Not now, wait.
I just need to get ready.
543
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,255
Stay there.
544
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,055
It's took a turn, hasn't it?
545
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,775
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
546
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,855
APPLAUSE
547
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,895
And do you...?
548
00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,255
Have you undressed
a woman before?
549
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,295
just...just gently take...
550
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,975
...just take it off. Yeah.
551
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,295
Is that how you do it normally?
just...?
552
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:07,735
Stand up.
553
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:11,695
And then look at me while
we're doing it.
554
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:14,775
Nice.
555
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:23,135
Look at me, yeah.
Yeah.
556
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,015
Is it your first time, or...?
557
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,615
just take... just gently.
558
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,935
Yeah, just ge...
Yeah, just gently...
559
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:33,055
Don't...
560
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,335
LAUGHTER
561
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,135
Don't look at that. Don't look
at that, don't look at that.
562
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,255
Don't look at that.
563
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,095
just...
564
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,215
just...
565
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:44,495
SHE SHRIEKS LOUDLY
566
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,815
Does yours do that, Susie?
567
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:58,455
That's it, thank you.
568
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,175
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
569
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,455
Oh, clear.
570
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,975
They have Gyles Brandreth
there on the normal one.
571
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,615
And here is your teaser.
572
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,815
The words are WILLY FLU.
The clue is - I got it deliberately.
573
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,135
That's WILLY FLU.
I got it deliberately.
574
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:22,415
See you after the break.
575
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,055
APPLAUSE
576
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:32,375
APPLAUSE
577
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,655
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,
578
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,775
the words were WILLY FLU. The
clue was - I got it deliberately.
579
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,255
It was of course, WILFULLY.
580
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,695
So, both teams have 13 points.
581
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:47,455
They've been playing in teams
so far,
582
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,815
but this game is just for
Roisin and Asim.
583
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,255
So, it might be a good time to
go and make yourself a cup of tea.
584
00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:53,815
Nothing is gonna happen here.
585
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:56,695
Famous last words.
586
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,975
Ancl I just spat a bit
of marshmallow out.
587
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,615
OK, so Asim,
your turn to pick the letters.
588
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,535
Errn, I'll have a vowel, please.
589
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:05,655
Thank you, Asim.
590
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,015
A
591
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:08,335
Er, I'll have another vowel.
592
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:09,455
O
593
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:10,575
Consonant.
594
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:11,815
R
595
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,135
A vowel.
596
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:14,335
E
597
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:15,735
Another vowel, please.
598
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:16,975
A
599
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,215
Consonant.
600
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:19,455
H
601
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:20,895
Er, another consonant, please.
602
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:22,175
L
603
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:23,935
DECISIVELY: Vowel.
LAUGHTER
604
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:25,455
What's funny about this?
E.
605
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:27,375
I'm trying to sound like
I know what I'm doing.
606
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,215
I've no fucking clue. Er...
607
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,855
You sound like a man who really
likes the word "vowel".
608
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,135
And a consonant, then.
609
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:37,615
Ancl the last one - R. OK.
610
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:39,255
Jon, you're not playing in this one.
611
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,615
You look a little bit stiff -
do you want me to crack your back?
612
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:44,255
Yeah, I'd love that, actually,
if that's all right.
613
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,295
Have you got that thing where...?
614
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:48,255
Yeah, it just needs popping out
a little bit.
615
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,935
If you just... Yeah.
You just... You lean back.
616
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:52,335
Yeah. You lean back. Yeah.
617
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,615
OK, your time starts now.
618
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,535
CRACK!
619
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,775
CRACK!
620
00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:08,415
CRACK!
621
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,175
CRACK!
622
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:24,775
CRACK!
623
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,135
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
624
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,815
Jon? Yeah?
625
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,175
Jon, I've gotta ask,
626
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,415
have you been getting enough fibre
in your diet?
627
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:37,735
That's a haemorrhoid,
not a testicle.
628
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,695
Erm, Roisin, how many?
629
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:42,935
SHE LAUGHS
630
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:44,895
You're always doing that.
631
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,135
It's the most relaxed I've ever
seen Jon.
632
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:51,375
Yeah, we should probably
letjon down.
633
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,095
Hey!
634
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:57,695
Hang on, we'll need to copy that
pose, right. So, one arm...
635
00:30:57,720 --> 00:30:59,175
Yeah, copy that pose, Jon.
636
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:02,975
Yeah...
637
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,655
It was that way, was it?
638
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:08,855
Yeah, they're well copied.
639
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,295
Yeah, that'll do, That'll do.
Oh, that's exactly the same.
640
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,095
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
641
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,895
It's nice,
it's fun that, though, isn't it?
642
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:21,215
You're sometimes at work,
643
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:23,175
you're so busy getting on
with stuff,
644
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,095
you forget to suck off your mates.
645
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,575
It's horrible when they have
to book a talented you.
646
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,655
I can't believe you're that bothered
you can't sort of
647
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,935
do an upside-down blowy.
648
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,255
WHISPERING
649
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,775
What's going on? I'm just watching
these two have a chat.
650
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,215
Yeah, we're just talking
about nipples.
651
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,095
I've been talking to Rachel
about them first
652
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:48,575
cos we have this Countdown code
where we just go like that
653
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,015
and then we know... It's normally
when "areolar" comes up. Yeah.
654
00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:53,615
Yeah. Speaking of areolar,
that's what I first saw
655
00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:55,335
when I saw that. Yeah, me too.
656
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:57,775
I was trying to spell "areolar".
Is it there? Yeah.
657
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,095
Oh, shit. ROISIN: You've got it.
658
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,535
No, I've put something else, but...
You've got it!
659
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:06,375
Is that the other one? Yeah. Really?
Yeah, I'd go with that one.
660
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,815
Go for yours. How many have you got?
Well, mine's very sentimental
661
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,935
because it's where my dad's from.
Lahore in Pakistan, the city.
662
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,655
It's a capital letter, though. You
can't have proper nouns on here.
663
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,335
Oh, you can't? No. Are you fully
aware what a proper noun is?
664
00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:20,535
Yes.
665
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:22,495
What's a proper noun? Huh?
666
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,175
Like, not a place or a doing...
667
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,055
Yeah, something with
a capital letter. Yeah, yeah.
668
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:32,215
If you want an emotional value,
that's also where your dad
669
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,615
got his first meals.
670
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:36,935
Roisin, how many? Six.
671
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,655
How many have you got, Joe?
Do you not even care what it is?
672
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,935
I'm not playing, you bastard!
673
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,415
Roisin, what's your six?
674
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:44,495
HEALER. HEALER?
675
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:45,935
Yeah. Seven points to Asim.
676
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,735
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
677
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,055
Lucy, Susie, could they have done
any better?
678
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:56,575
No. You can have AREOLAE,
679
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:58,415
you can put the E on the end
for more than one.
680
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:00,695
Isn't that garlic sauce?
681
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,335
So, at the end of that,
Roisin andjoe have 13 points,
682
00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,015
jon and Asim have 20.
683
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,135
Right, now time forjon
and Joe to go head to head.
684
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,015
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
685
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,855
Can I have 100 and then, erm,
some others?
686
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:20,215
100 and then five little ones?
Yeah.
687
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:23,695
You've got your little ones - a 10.
Oh, lovely. 9. Yes. 3. Yes.
688
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,655
4. Yes. 4. Ancl there's your 100,
Joe.
689
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:28,295
Hold on, swap a four...
690
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,655
You'd better get it now.
691
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,735
OK, and your time starts now.
692
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:37,055
Do you know what? I might be able to
pissing do this.
693
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:45,375
No, I can't.
694
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,215
Have you clone it?
695
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,775
I've done it, mate, yeah.
696
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,015
Oh, yeah.
697
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:06,695
OK, well, jon, I'm gonna assume
you've done it.
698
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,415
I have done it, yeah.
Joe, did you get it?
699
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:12,895
That's absolutely none
of your fucking business. Yeah,
700
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:14,455
I'm only pissing about.
701
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,895
OK, Joe, how did you do it?
OK,s04x3 =12.
702
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:19,375
Are you sure?
703
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:20,855
No!
704
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:23,735
10, start with 10.
705
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:25,255
10.
706
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:26,495
Times... Times.
707
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:27,815
Pop a bracket in. Yeah.
708
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,655
Do the other side of
the bracket quickly...
709
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:34,975
...and times in the middle of it.
710
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:37,695
Is that a hint there should be
a small one on that side?
711
00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,615
So, one times...
712
00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:46,095
You can lead a horse to
the water...
713
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:48,855
You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make it think.
714
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:51,935
What makes...? What is...?
715
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:55,495
A four is a safe bet, mate.
Put a four.
716
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:56,975
4 times...4?
717
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,095
Put a plus. Yeah.
718
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:02,695
3. Oh, that's 190.
719
00:35:02,720 --> 00:35:04,735
Yeah, and add the one. Yeah.
720
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:07,055
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
721
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:14,535
Did you do it the same way, Jon?
722
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:16,815
I was bluffing, I didn't get it.
723
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,175
Yes, I did it the same way.
724
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:20,415
10 points to both teams.
725
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:27,695
And here is your teaser.
The words are TUNA LIPS.
726
00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:30,295
The clue is, you may now
kiss the bride.
727
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,175
That's TUNA LIPS, you may now
kiss the bride.
728
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,415
See you after the break.
729
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:52,175
Welcome back, the answer to the
teaser, the words were TUNA LIPS,
730
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:54,495
the clue was, you may now
kiss the bride.
731
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,255
It was, of course, NUPTIALS. OK.
732
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,855
On to another letters game
and we're gonna up the stakes.
733
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:02,055
We're playing for double points
in the Lightning Round.
734
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:03,815
THUNDER CRASHES
735
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,415
jon and Roisin have been fitted
with electric-shock machines
736
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,775
and at any time they might get
a small shock.
737
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,135
Now, Asim, you've not got one
of these on
738
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,175
because you have a trick anus
and, uh...
739
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,575
No, you know what it is,
I don't know if you remember,
740
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,375
last time I was on the show. Yeah?
741
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,135
I told you that I think
I might be, like, a psychopath
742
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:26,295
because I don't feel stuff.
Like I feel... I'm not a psychopath.
743
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,335
Well, that's the perfect person
to have it on.
744
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,455
We knew that. So, in order
to demonstrate the device,
745
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,055
we didn't go for you.
746
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:35,295
Argh! Ah!
747
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:39,455
We went forjoe Wilkinson, who very
kindly agreed
748
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:42,015
to put one on just to...
So, at any stage... Argh!
749
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,335
.In proceedings...
750
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:45,775
Jon, you love this round,
don't you?
751
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,935
I hate you and this. Are you ready?
Yeah.
752
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,175
SHE SCREAMS
753
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,615
That's Roisin's.
I had it in the wrong hand.
754
00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:58,895
It's so much... Argh!
755
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:00,695
Sorry, I was trying to getjon.
756
00:37:00,720 --> 00:37:02,935
Squirrel, squirrel.
757
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,495
ls "squirrel" your safe word?
758
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:14,975
I didn't know we were allowed
a safe word.
759
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,255
Arghg
760
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:21,575
What's that about?
761
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:25,135
We've not even started yet.
762
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,735
I don't even know why we're doing
this round - THIS is the fun.
763
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,575
I'm gonna shit my pants.
764
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,655
Oh, Jon's... He's very good
standing up.
765
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,495
I didn't realise standing up
would be this funny.
766
00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,575
Oh, my God! Now have a sniff.
All right.
767
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:43,335
Do that and have a sniff. All right.
768
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,655
There's double points
up for grabs in this round.
769
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:47,655
Jimmy, Jon's gonna have a sniff.
770
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:51,495
That's my first bang.
771
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,175
It's like, erm, Vicks on crack.
772
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:59,335
You didn't even blink.
I'm telling you I'm a psychopath.
773
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:00,735
OK. I want to feel.
774
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:01,975
Quick, we have to crack on.
775
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:03,935
I want to feel...! Right!
776
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,335
We have to crack on!
777
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,255
It means nothing to jimmy.
778
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:13,655
You think you can't feel?
Welcome to my world.
779
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,775
What, you're suffering with
depression? It doesn't matter.
780
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:19,655
Let's crack on. You're so
supportive. So supportive.
781
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:22,015
Right, there's double points up
for grabs in this round.
782
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:25,535
Roisin, go ahead and pick
the letters. I need a drink.
783
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:27,855
Yeah, sure. I will smash this
784
00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,935
into my teeth. I like my teeth,
I want to keep the ones I've got.
785
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,255
Sure, your little,
tiny ratty teeth, yeah.
786
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,535
And I don't trust you.
787
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,255
Yeah, wait till after, Jon.
788
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,055
I'll drink out of a plastic bottle,
I don't wanna chin myself.
789
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:40,775
He's so nervous.
790
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,815
HE GASPS
791
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:45,375
You were so high-pitched!
792
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,295
Argh.
793
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:51,855
Wah!
794
00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:53,335
Arghg
795
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:56,215
Roisin, pick the letters. Quickly.
796
00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:58,055
Rachel, please can I have
a consonant, please?
797
00:38:58,080 --> 00:38:59,735
S
798
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,255
Please may I have another consonant?
799
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:02,575
N
800
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,895
Ancl please may I have
a vowel, please?
801
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:06,495
O
802
00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:08,015
Another vowel, please.
803
00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:09,375
JOE GROANS
u.
804
00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:10,895
Another vowel, please.
805
00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:12,095
E
806
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,415
A consonant, please.
807
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,335
JOE SHRIEKS
808
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:16,935
G
809
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:18,855
And that's through fear.
810
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,615
Another consonant please, Rachel.
811
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,415
D. Ah-yee! Son of a...
812
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:24,575
And a vowel phase.
813
00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:26,215
SHE SHRIEKS
814
00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:27,775
Oh, an I!
815
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,535
HE SCREAMS
816
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,615
HE SCREAMS
817
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:37,615
HE GROANS
818
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,295
And a consonant, phase, Rachel.
819
00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:42,935
P. OK.
820
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,415
OK, so for double points in the
Lightning Round,
821
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:47,655
your time starts...now.
822
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,975
ELECTRICAL SPARKI NG
823
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,215
HE SQUEALS
824
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,055
ROISIN YELLS
825
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,575
Argh! Ohh!
826
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:27,895
What the hell is that?
827
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:31,255
Erm, I've got one,
two, three, four, five, six.
828
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,335
jon and Roisin are playing.
You're not playing this round.
829
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,535
Oh, right. Am I not playing? No.
How do you spell "pigeon"?
830
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,055
You're just here for vibes.
OK,jon, how many?
831
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:41,695
Seven. Roisin, how many?
832
00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:43,655
Seven. She's got seven.
833
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:45,135
OK, Jon, what was yours? DOUSING.
834
00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:47,095
OK, and, Roisin what was...?
835
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:48,175
Oh, nice.
836
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,615
What was your seven?
837
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:52,815
OPENING. You need two N's. Oh!
838
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:55,135
OK, so that's double points
for the Lightning Round.
839
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,375
So, that's 14 points tojon.
840
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:01,375
Lucy, Susie, could they have done
any better?
841
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:03,815
8 - DEPOSING. Yes.
842
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,295
DEPOSING. Did you say PIGEONS, ROiS?
843
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,615
I did.
That would be really good.
844
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:09,935
I'm happy for you to have PIGEONS
845
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:11,975
because you did say it before
the timer.
846
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:15,455
Thank you, but I feel... I would
like... We'll take the points.
847
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,455
What do you mean,
we're so far ahead?
848
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,335
We're all friends now,
it's all us against him.
849
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,215
Let's take all the points
and then there's three of us
850
00:41:25,240 --> 00:41:27,535
and we've got three of those.
So, we can pin him down,
851
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:30,415
two on his balls, two on his...
852
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:32,335
OK, so at the end of that,
853
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:35,255
jon and Asim are in the lead
with 44 points.
854
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:37,495
HE YELLS
855
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:42,255
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TRY LUBES.
856
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:44,575
The clue is, it's windy down there.
857
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:48,095
That's TRY LUBES, it's windy down
there. See you after the break.
858
00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:07,015
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were TRY LUBES,
859
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:10,375
the clue was, it's windy down there.
It was of course BLUSTERY.
860
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:11,895
OK, time for our final letters game.
861
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:13,335
Jon, Asim, your turn to choose.
862
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:16,575
I'll have... How do you do
this properly? Consonant.
863
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:17,655
RACHEL". Consonant, yeah.
864
00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,415
Consonant, you do, you do it.
865
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:20,655
H. Consonant.
866
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:21,855
T
867
00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:23,455
Consonant.
868
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:24,615
C.
869
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:26,535
Consonant.
This is how you do it, mate.
870
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:27,655
L
871
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:29,975
Whack all the consonants out.
One more.
872
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:31,015
C.
873
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,295
And then stick four vowels up.
874
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,695
E, A, O...
875
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:38,255
This is what Countdown looks like
when you electrocute people.
876
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,375
...and O.
877
00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:43,935
OK, whilst you do that, I'm gonna do
some quick magic spells.
878
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,175
Erm, your 30 seconds starts now.
879
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,135
That's not right, is it?
880
00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,415
OK, all right, let's go again.
881
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,975
I'm trying to change her back.
882
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,215
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
883
00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:22,375
Do you know what I've done?
884
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:25,815
I was trying to use magic
to change Rachel into something else
885
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,335
and all I've done is taken
her make-up off.
886
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:32,695
I'll tell you what, I'll turn Rachel
back.
887
00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:34,135
Jon, how many letters?
888
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:37,415
Nine. Asim, what have you got?
Oh, I've only got four. OK.
889
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:40,815
Roisin, how many? Five.
Joe, what have you got?
890
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:42,415
One off a six.
891
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,015
What's your five?
892
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,535
Genuinely my favourite word - CLOTH.
893
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:50,375
OK, erm, Asim your four?
894
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:52,295
Well, I had CLOT,
895
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:54,575
but I could have just added
an H on.
896
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:58,135
Roisin? CLOOT.
897
00:43:58,160 --> 00:43:59,575
What is a CLOOT?
898
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:01,495
It's a Scottish person
saying "clout".
899
00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:04,495
Do you wanna hear what
a Northern Irish cat sounds like?
900
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:07,095
Yeah. Me-eye!
901
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:14,255
Me-eye! Me-eye!
902
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:15,335
Jon, your nine?
903
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,015
CHOCOLATE
904
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,335
OTHERS GAS?
905
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:22,055
Lovely.
906
00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:25,415
That is incredible. It's not...
That is a nine-letter word!
907
00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:27,055
That's not boring, is it?
908
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:29,015
18 points tojon Richardson.
909
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:31,455
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
910
00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:38,815
OK, so Roisin andjoe have 23
points. jon and Asim have 62. Whoa!
911
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:41,895
Fingers on buzzers - it's time for
912
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:43,895
today's non-crucial
Countdown conundrum.
913
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:45,255
Where's the buzzer?
Where's the buzzer?
914
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,215
They haven't given us
a pissing button.
915
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:49,535
I think you'll find your massive
ice cream is on it.
916
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:50,895
Oh, right!
917
00:44:57,800 --> 00:44:59,455
OK, your time starts now.
918
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:27,215
BELL RINGS
919
00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:28,655
Go on, Rois!
920
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,935
LAUGHTER
921
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,935
Roisin, what was it?
Christmas. Christmas!
922
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:42,415
I'm not, I'm sober, it's Christmas.
923
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:44,415
BELL RINGS
924
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:45,895
Go on, Rois.
925
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:52,095
Go on, girl!
926
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:53,695
Who spins things into gold?
927
00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:56,615
Rumpelstiltskin!
928
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:58,895
BUZZER
929
00:45:58,920 --> 00:45:59,975
Alchemist.
930
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:02,255
Oh, pissing hell!
931
00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:04,575
Let's have a look.
932
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:08,055
So, the final scores are Roisin
andjoe have 23,
933
00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:09,855
andjon and Asim have 72. Yay!
934
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:11,775
Congratulations.
935
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:13,615
You're now the proud owner of this,
936
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:15,295
the Countdown Stylophone.
937
00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:17,655
Thanks to all our panel lists,
our wonderful studio audience
938
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:20,815
and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us, goodnight.
939
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:23,055
STYLOPHONE PLAYS HALTINGLY
940
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,775
Subtitles by Red Bee Media