This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
Jon Richardson, Roisin Conaty,
Asim Chaudry, Joe Wilkinson,
Lucy Pearman, Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host, Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome
to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up,
it's team captain Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Jon Richardson is short,
but even when he's standing up, his feet don't touch the ground.
And Jon's team-mate, Asim Chaudry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In March, 2021 Asim starred in an advert where he played
an aerial installer who gets stuck in a skylight.
and I for one think it's important
for actors to pursue those passion projects.
What was the advert for?
Walkers.
I've never seen that done with just one finger.
I thought that was very nipple twisting.
Up against them this evening,
it's guest team captain Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
When it comes to Countdown,
Roisin's better at the letters than the numbers,
in the same way that a cat is better at rugby than football.
And joining Roisin tonight, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You might recognise Joe,
but you can't think where you know him from.
Well, if you've ever seen that picture depicting evolution
that starts with an ape on the left on all fours,
and ends up with a human walking upright,
well, Joe is the guy from the middle.
Asim, you starred in
the last Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Yeah.
So, do you play a cool superhero, badass villain?
What were you in the movie?
No, I actually play a massive walrus.
So, typeca... Why you laughing?
Typecasted, you know. Er, but, yeah, I play...
I play a walrus and he's a very cute animal
and he kind of talks,
I did, like, a kind of very dopey geezer voice like,
"Hello, my name's..." you know.
It's either that or kind of, like,
you know dodgy, TV child presenter voice,
like, "Hello, kids!" It was a cross between that.
I did all the CGI for it. I was in, you know, those tight little...
I looked like a tightly packed kebab, it was disgusting.
the meat hanging out of me. It was fun.
I mean, the Marvel Universe is mental.
So, you had to do the full dress up in a green screen thing and...
For another show as well, er, Sandman, where I have a pet gargoyle
and I had to do loads of emotional scenes with the gargoyle, right,
and it's basically a guy in a green suit,
like a leotard, and I'm trying to do this emotional scene
and I'm like, "Mate, I can see your bulge."
And he was blessed.
That would have made me more emotional. Yeah.
It made me very sad actually. It was out of jealousy.
I'm glad you've learnt that lesson before you arrived here today.
I mean, I look down there, I'm fuming.
Do you have a big willy, Jon? I've never asked.
I think he does, he's got that vibe. You know nerdy, cardigan, funny.
I wanna know, seriously.
What about instead of a prize at the end, whoever wins...
We're playing for a look at Jon's cock.
Now, take this seriously.
I've seen it, I don't wanna win.
Jon, what's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?
Oh, the thought of showing my cock to Joe Wilkinson.
That's probably up there. Well, there's a couple.
I'm embracing fear in general in my life.
I found out that Tony Blair used to, er,
he used to do PMQs needing a wee.
He thought it made him more sort of dynamic.
So, I do a similar thing with this - just before we come out,
I have a really hot curry and an iced coffee.
I've sort of taken it to the next level.
I think if he's that good needing a wee,
what if he might actually void his bowels at any point?
I quite like being beaten up when I need a wee.
You can use it, can't you, like an octopus with its ink.
OK. Roisin, what's the most showbiz thing you've ever done?
I...I like dogs, erm...
So you like dogging.
No, I like dogs
and whenever I travel a lot for work, I like
to find out where the local dog parks are,
er, so I can go and pet dogs.
It makes me sound not, like...
Slightly weirder than dogging now!
My point is, if there's a really, like, fit dog and I wanna go over
and the owner looks like...
Not in a sexual way!
If I want some quality time with the dog
but the owner looks busy,
I have been known to sort of quickly take my hair down
and put on a bit of red lipstick before I walk over
and be like, "Is that your dog?"
and hope that they've seen me at one point on telly
and not hated what they've seen,
and then I get to pet the dog for longer.
Cos my sister went over to a dog once and they were like,
"No, none of it," and I went over and they were like,
"Oh, roll over! Suck him off!"
Did you? Of course. What do you think the lipstick's for?
Joe, do you have any hobbies we don't know about?
Erm, I pretend to be a dog.
In Roisin's park.
OK, Asim, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, I do actually, erm, it's one of my heroes.
Someone I really, I really admire,
and the reason I love this guy is
that he doesn't really have any talent,
but he has so much charisma,
and who I'm talking about is, erm, DJ Khaled.
So, he's, like, a producer,
but he doesn't really produce anything.
He's got all these number one hit songs,
but I just love him cos of his energy
and his positivity, and he's unintentionally funny,
he doesn't know he's being funny. So, I dunno if
he's a comedy genius or he's just thick as pig shit.
We do look quite a lot alike.
I think you guys have got some pictures,
if you see he actually...
Look, you see, he nicks all my poses, and actually, sometimes
I get spotted out in the streets and people are like...
You know sometimes they don't know where you're from.
One guy was like, "DJ Khaled!" and I was like, "Another one..."
I took a picture with him and everything.
I mean, look, he posted it, and it just says,
"Just met DJ Khaled."
And the exciting part of that is
that I actually reached out to Khaled
and he's a massive Countdown fan.
His people sent me this doll cos I said I need a mascot.
So, he sent me this doll
and he even recorded some voice notes for it.
Can we try it? Please.
Asim Chaudry is a better looking version of me!
You obviously just made it yourself. Yeah, I made that.
Roisin, have you got a mascot? I do, Jimmy.
I find sometimes I get quite stressed on the show cos, erm,
I'm not the greatest at playing the games.
I need something to take the edge off.
I don't drink alcohol any more.
If you could bring it in for me, that would be great.
It's just a little something, like what I'd have if
I was at home just trying to unwind,
relax, you know, just watching a bit of Countdown.
What is this?
It's lovely, isn't it? Two spoons, I hate when they do that.
It's rude, isn't it?
Have you brought a massive ice cream?
It's to help me chill out.
It's in a vase.
This will help me unwind
and probably send me to sort of a coma at some point.
What, are you trying to get Type 3 diabetes?
That's a lot of ice cream.
But the thing is... Oh, I've just licked my hand.
Erm, sorry on TV, it's just... It's all right.
I'll lick 'em.
If you don't wanna do it, someone's gotta do it.
I know. So, this will take the edge off
and sometimes I've taken too much of the edge off
and not been able to see the letters on the board.
Erm, so what I've done is a double pronged attack...
I do need to... Lick those!
The other thing I've brought in...
Tease.
...are these smelling salts.
You've brought in an ice cream and smelling salts?
Oh, I'm going all angles to win tonight.
Right. We're gonna see that fella's todger.
These are called Power Sniff.
"For serious competitors looking for a psychological edge."
Wow.
Shall I take some now?
I wanna see what effect it actually has.
I'm a bit scared, are you scared? No.
OK. You're shaking. Oh, oh!
Give us a go.
I feel like I just went back in time.
OK, I should say, er, if there's any children watching,
don't try this at home.
Oh, my Christ! Jesus wept! You're only meant to...
Do you want a go? We don't juice. Yeah.
We're gonna win healthy. All right?
Yeah, stay clean. We fucking do!
OK Jon, have you got a mascot?
I've been watching the Harry Potter films
with my daughter, I really like the sorting hat.
So, you put it on the kid's head and it tells you
what school they're gonna be in.
If they're going Gryffindor, they're a goodie.
If they're going Slytherin, they're a baddie.
And if they go in the other two, they're not gonna be in the rest of the films.
And I got to thinking it would be good to have
a sorting hat just for society.
So, you put it on someone's head and just know if they're
a dickhead or what sort of person they are.
So, I spoke to the guys in, er, the lab and, er,
we've actually developed a prototype.
And I have say at this point, this is not a sorting hat
and if you were a lawyer representing anyone
who thought this was a sorting hat,
you can fuck right off.
This is Jon Richardson's Putting Things Into Groups headwear.
Here he is. Oh, lovely.
Still in the sort of prototype phase.
But I'll test it out on myself first,
that's the only fair thing to do, isn't it?
Which way is it? Pointing that way.
And see what he says about me.
Hmm, a good man, honest and clean
and very sexy.
Oh, it is good. Well, it obviously works, there's no denying that.
So I thought if nobody minds, we'll start with you, Joe,
is that all right? Yeah, yeah. All right.
If you're wondering how everyone in show business got nits...
Aah! A twat.
That's a bit mean. It's good, isn't it?
What about me? No, I haven't done you.
I'll do you next.
Hmm! Interesting.
Another twat.
Jon! I'm really sorry. He's gone rogue. I'll try Asim.
This is passive aggression gone wild.
Ah! definitely a twat.
Shall we try it on Jimmy?
Well, yeah, let's try it, let's just... It should be fine.
Don't even think about putting me on that twat.
That's so cool!
Joe, have you got a mascot?
I, er... You know I work, er...
Well, you might not know, but I also work... Ohh!
Just have a sly bit of ice cream there, Roisin.
I'm sure it's rather distracting. Start again, it didn't happen.
You even keep eye contact with him as well.
All I saw was...
You basically saw what the dog saw.
Joe, have you got a mascot? Oh, yeah.
I, er, you might not know this,
but I also work for Aldi, the budget supermarket chain,
and what I do for them is, you know, erm,
Aldi make, like, products that are quite similar
to well-known brands?
My job is coming up with the names that are similar
to those well-known brands but a bit shitter.
And, er, like for example,
I'm sure you've heard of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Yeah, what have you got?
Er, Aldi's version is...
If It's Not Butter, What The Fuck Is It?
We all love Dairylea Triangles, right?
Delicious, yeah, sure. Our version of, er,
Dairylea Triangles are Milky Steve Oblongs.
I've never considered that Dairylea was just called Lea
who started some cheese.
Hobnobs - ours are simply called...
Top Part Of the Cooker Piers Morgans.
And, er, and now you might not know this,
but they've also started bringing out board games.
So, we're venturing into board games.
So, you've all heard of Buckaroo.
Our version of Buckaroo is simply, er...
Ruin My Ass.
Possibly you can see under there,
"How much can your ass take before it collapses?"
Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Lucy Pearman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lucy, welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
It's an honour to be here and meet everyone,
because of course, we've never met before, have we?
No.
MOBILE PHONE RINGING
That's my phone.
Hello?
Yeah, I'm here. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's here, yeah.
Er, like, a jacket, a blazer,
a tie with a sort of light blue stripe
and then he's just naked from the waist down.
Dyes it, yeah, definitely dyes it.
Yeah, OK. Gotta go, gotta go. Sorry, gotta go.
And then, erm, I just thought I'd ask the cleverest person I know.
What do you get when you peel a banana?
Fl... Oh, flume.
No, it's, er, a cock.
And with Lucy, of course, it's Susie Dent!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Susie's books aren't successful,
but more people have read the terms and conditions
of their mobile phone contract.
Er, Susie, it says here you collect eggcorns.
What exactly is an eggcorn?
We kind of mishear things and then they become...
...we're just convinced that they're right,
like, erm, a doggy dog world,
er, like a bowl in a china shop. There are lots of them.
But I'll give you some of my recent favourites. Go on.
One... I don't know why this one makes me laugh.
To cut your nose off despite your face.
Lack toast intolerance. Yeah. I like that one.
You know with my, like,
my immigrant dad, he's Pakistani,
pidgin English as well, it's kind of similar. Yeah.
Like, my Dad says loads of wrong things.
But one of my favourites ever
is instead of, er, eat your heart out, he once said,
in front of all my mates, he went, "Well, there we go, mate.
"Eat your arse out."
And he said it with such confidence, you know...
And I said, "How long have you been saying this for, Dad?!" Wow!
"What do you mean? That's how you say it."
I'm loving it. Sorry, can we just take a break here?
Cos someone's eating a Flake.
It's down, it's down, it's down.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It says here you hosted a special edition of Countdown
with the England Squad. Tell me,
who's better at Countdown - comedians or footballers?
I think the England squad were actually surprisingly good.
Who was there? James Maddison against Luke Shaw, and it was for...
So, Channel 4 got some of the sport,
so they were playing an England game,
and they thought, you know, Channel 4 viewers,
if you mash two shows up, they'll watch any old shit, so...
LAUGHTER
Were they better than us, Rach?
They were actually pretty good. They were only told that morning
that they were gonna do it. Oh, fuck off!
That is all I've got!
You know those fit millionaires who are great at football?
They're better than you at the fucking word stuff, as well.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this -
the Countdown stylophone.
A bit of hush, everyone.
Take it away, Fabio.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
Roisin and Joe, your first pick of the letters.
Woo.
Have some more ice cream, keep the buzz up.
I've done quite a lot on the sly. I've been sneaky eating.
There's no flakes left, are there?
Please, Rachel, may we have two from the top...?
No, no, that's not even...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Please may we have...
Consonant, vowel... Erm...
How shit do you have to be at Countdown...?
It's been a while. It's been a while. "Two from the top, please!"
It's been a while.
Erm, please may we have a consonant, please, Rachel?
W
Another consonant, please.
S
Try and spell out a word, otherwise we're buggered. Oh, and...
...a vowel, please.
E. Can you put that in the middle of...?
Can you make it W-E-S?
Thank you. I don't know if that's...
Another vowel, please, Rachel.
How many vowels do we do? Four?
A
Er, can you put the A next to the...?
Very fluid. Literally arsed it up. Another consonant, please, Rachel.
D? Another consonant, please.
Oh, it's messing with my head now. P.
Another consonant, please.
S
And two more vowels, please. S, these are belters! And...
...U and O.
OK, quick health and safety announcement.
Yeah, OK.
The Countdown troll has escaped,
and I don't wanna alarm anyone but it's mating season for trolls.
So, erm, just don't approach it if you see the troll
cos it is... it is a prick.
Oh, God...
I mean, honestly, I think you'll probably be fine.
Er, your time starts now.
GROWLING > - Fuck me. - Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER
Wow!
Oh, God, fuck off.
TROLL GROWLS
Fucking hell.
Why did he go for me?
COUNTDOWN MUSIC ENDS
LAUGHTER
I...I'll sort this. I'll have a word.
I thought I told you to fuck off.
TROLL GROWLS
What?
Fucking bell-end.
APPLAUSE
Prick.
Erm, Roisin, how many letters?
Six. Six, OK. Oh, well done.
Joe, how many letters?
Er, a five or a risky three.
OK, er, Asim?
That really shit me up.
Yeah, I've only got four
and it's related to what happened.
Er, Jon? A six.
Asim, your four?
Well, as I was saying, when he was coming up to me,
he really shit me up, so I just had DEAD.
That's what... You had DEAD, did you?
Oh, shit.
OK, you see, that's...
Wait, fuck!
Erm, Joe, your five?
SWAPE. Could you use SWAPE in a sentence? Cos...
SWAPE? Yeah, SWAPE. SWAPE.
It's a past tense of swipe. You SWAPE it.
"How was your time on Tinder last night?" "Oh..."
"I SWAPE the shit out of it."
OK, Roisin, your six?
My six is SOUPED.
Oh!
Very nice. Jon, your six? What's your six?
PAUSED.
Oh. Oh, very...
Such a boring word.
Six points to both teams.
Was it boring?
OK, so, er, Lucy, Susie, could they have done any better?
Yes. She's got PSEUDOS. Yeah.
So, at the end of that, both teams have six points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Asim, you get to pick the numbers.
Let me just say, I've been on this show once before.
I am terrible at maths and one of the reasons...
You're not amazing at English, mate! I...
No, that was the troll's fault, all right?
But can I just say something? The reason I'm so bad at maths
is cos I had a horrible maths teacher
who used to make me feel so dumb. When I used to ask a question,
she used to do this. She used to go...
HE SIGHS LOUDLY
...like that. And I stopped asking questions.
I haven't even got a maths GCSE. There, I've said it.
I lied on my CV. I even...
I retook... Can we get him off the show?
I did a year...
I retook the GCSE as well, and I failed
because I was terrified of that teacher in school.
Sorry, you retook it and you failed? Yeah.
Do you know how I feel about it? Yeah?
HE SIGHS
Little 12-year-old me is crying right now.
Luckily you've come on a show where we're all really supportive.
OK, let's go. Pick the numbers.
Can we have two big ones, please?
Yeah, two big ones
and four little ones. And four little ones.
You've got 1, 6,
5, 5,
75 and 50.
Oh, fella.
And the target, 528.
Is that doable? OK, and your time starts
now. Is that doable?
6, 1...
What's the number? 528.
Jon, did you get it?
I got 527.
OK. Asim, did you write anything down?
Can I just say, if...
Rachel if I get this... Yeah?
Is this better than a GCSE?
Like, did you say that? If you get this
I'll, like, speak to someone, I'll get you a GCSE.
You'll get me a maths GCSE? If you get this.
Yeah, we'll get you one. We've got that kind of power.
Right. Well, no, I was nowhere close.
Roisin? 530.
OK, Joe?
Er, I got the same as Jon, and did it the same way.
Jon, why don't you go? You do one and then I'll do one.
We'll do it together, yeah. OK, yeah.
So, 75... What's your move, Joe?
Times. Times.
75 times... Oh, yeah, yeah.
...6.
Oh, well played. Equals, equals.
Equals, yeah. They're both doing it.
+ 1
Ah, so we get rid of the equals. Yeah.
OK. You could have done it both ways.
Oh, plus five. That's what I did.
Well, you can do that, yeah, you can do that. I did...
50 ÷ 5 = 10
Yeah.
Divided by the other five is two, and added that on.
527, one away.
But it's useful to see how in sync we were then.
Can I just check something? I did...
5 + 5 = 10
Yeah.
10 x 50 = 500.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The most patronising clap I've had in my fucking life!
Leave no child behind!
Well, I think we can agree, that's er,
seven points to both teams.
Why is it seven? Because...
If you get close... Oh, OK.
Er, Rachel, could it be done?
Joe's way is obviously the best you could have done.
This was impossible.
OK. Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Erm, Lucy, are you OK over there?
I just thought that I might get a kiss. Maybe someone...
...in the audience.
You wanna go and pick someone in the audience to kiss? Yeah.
Yeah, that seems appropriate in this day and age!
Erm...
Do you mind?
No, not you, no.
Not now, wait. I just need to get ready.
Stay there.
It's took a turn, hasn't it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
And do you...?
Have you undressed a woman before?
Just... just gently take...
...just take it off. Yeah.
Is that how you do it normally? Just...?
Stand up.
And then look at me while we're doing it.
Nice.
Look at me, yeah. Yeah.
Is it your first time, or...?
Just take... Just gently.
Yeah, just ge... Yeah, just gently...
Don't...
LAUGHTER
Don't look at that. Don't look at that, don't look at that.
Don't look at that. Just...
Just...
SHE SHRIEKS LOUDLY
Does yours do that, Susie?
That's it, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, dear.
They have Gyles Brandreth there on the normal one.
And here is your teaser.
The words are WILLY FLU. The clue is - I got it deliberately.
That's WILLY FLU. I got it deliberately.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were WILLY FLU. The clue was - I got it deliberately.
It was of course, WILFULLY.
So, both teams have 13 points.
They've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Roisin and Asim.
So, it might be a good time to go and make yourself a cup of tea.
Nothing is gonna happen here.
Famous last words.
And I just spat a bit of marshmallow out.
OK, so Asim, your turn to pick the letters.
Erm, I'll have a vowel, please.
Thank you, Asim.
A
Er, I'll have another vowel.
O
Consonant.
R
A vowel.
E
Another vowel, please.
A
Consonant.
H
Er, another consonant, please.
L
Vowel. LAUGHTER
What's funny about this? E.
I'm trying to sound like I know what I'm doing.
I've no fucking clue. Er...
You sound like a man who really likes the word "vowel".
And a consonant, then.
And the last one - R. OK.
Jon, you're not playing in this one.
You look a little bit stiff - do you want me to crack your back?
Yeah, I'd love that, actually, if that's all right.
Have you got that thing where...?
Yeah, it just needs popping out a little bit.
If you just... Yeah. You just... You lean back.
Yeah. You lean back. Yeah.
OK, your time starts now.
CRACK!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jon? Yeah?
Jon, I've gotta ask,
have you been getting enough fibre in your diet?
That's a haemorrhoid, not a testicle.
Erm, Roisin, how many?
SHE LAUGHS
You're always doing that.
It's the most relaxed I've ever seen Jon.
Yeah, we should probably let Jon down.
Hey!
Hang on, we'll need to copy that pose, right. So, one arm...
Yeah, copy that pose, Jon.
Yeah...
It was that way, was it?
Yeah, they're well copied.
Yeah, that'll do, That'll do. Oh, that's exactly the same.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's nice, it's fun that, though, isn't it?
You're sometimes at work,
you're so busy getting on with stuff,
you forget to suck off your mates.
It's horrible when they have to book a talented you.
I can't believe you're that bothered you can't sort of
do an upside-down blowy.
WHISPERING
What's going on? I'm just watching these two have a chat.
Yeah, we're just talking about nipples.
I've been talking to Rachel about them first
cos we have this Countdown code where we just go like that
and then we know... It's normally when "areolar" comes up. Yeah.
Yeah. Speaking of areolar, that's what I first saw
when I saw that. Yeah, me too.
I was trying to spell "areolar". Is it there? Yeah.
Oh, shit. ROISIN: You've got it.
No, I've put something else, but... You've got it!
Is that the other one? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I'd go with that one.
Go for yours. How many have you got? Well, mine's very sentimental
because it's where my dad's from. Lahore in Pakistan, the city.
It's a capital letter, though. You can't have proper nouns on here.
Oh, you can't? No. Are you fully aware what a proper noun is?
Yes.
What's a proper noun? Huh?
Like, not a place or a doing...
Yeah, something with a capital letter. Yeah, yeah.
If you want an emotional value, that's also where your dad
got his first meals.
Roisin, how many? Six.
How many have you got, Joe? Do you not even care what it is?
I'm not playing, you bastard!
Roisin, what's your six?
HEALER. HEALER?
Yeah. Seven points to Asim.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Lucy, Susie, could they have done any better?
No. You can have AREOLAE,
you can put the E on the end for more than one.
Isn't that garlic sauce?
So, at the end of that, Roisin and Joe have 13 points,
Jon and Asim have 20.
Right, now time for Jon and Joe to go head to head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have 100 and then, erm, some others?
100 and then five little ones? Yeah.
You've got your little ones - a 10. Oh, lovely. 9. Yes. 3. Yes.
4. Yes. 4. And there's your 100, Joe.
Hold on, swap a four...
You'd better get it now.
OK, and your time starts now.
Do you know what? I might be able to pissing do this.
No, I can't.
Have you done it?
I've done it, mate, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
OK, well, Jon, I'm gonna assume you've done it.
I have done it, yeah. Joe, did you get it?
That's absolutely none of your fucking business. Yeah,
I'm only pissing about.
OK, Joe, how did you do it? OK, so 4 x 3 = 12.
Are you sure?
No!
10, start with 10.
10.
Times... Times.
Pop a bracket in. Yeah.
Do the other side of the bracket quickly...
...and times in the middle of it.
Is that a hint there should be a small one on that side?
So, one times...
You can lead a horse to the water...
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it think.
What makes...? What is...?
A four is a safe bet, mate. Put a four.
4 times...4?
Put a plus. Yeah.
3. Oh, that's 190.
Yeah, and add the one. Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Did you do it the same way, Jon?
I was bluffing, I didn't get it.
Yes, I did it the same way.
10 points to both teams.
And here is your teaser. The words are TUNA LIPS.
The clue is, you may now kiss the bride.
That's TUNA LIPS, you may now kiss the bride.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were TUNA LIPS,
the clue was, you may now kiss the bride.
It was, of course, NUPTIALS. OK.
On to another letters game and we're gonna up the stakes.
We're playing for double points in the Lightning Round.
THUNDER CRASHES
Jon and Roisin have been fitted with electric-shock machines
and at any time they might get a small shock.
Now, Asim, you've not got one of these on
because you have a trick anus and, uh...
No, you know what it is, I don't know if you remember,
last time I was on the show. Yeah?
I told you that I think I might be, like, a psychopath
because I don't feel stuff. Like I feel... I'm not a psychopath.
Well, that's the perfect person to have it on.
We knew that. So, in order to demonstrate the device,
we didn't go for you.
Argh! Ah!
We went for Joe Wilkinson, who very kindly agreed
to put one on just to... So, at any stage... Argh!
...in proceedings...
Jon, you love this round, don't you?
I hate you and this. Are you ready? Yeah.
SHE SCREAMS
That's Roisin's. I had it in the wrong hand.
It's so much... Argh!
Sorry, I was trying to get Jon.
Squirrel, squirrel.
Is "squirrel" your safe word?
I didn't know we were allowed a safe word.
Argh!
What's that about?
We've not even started yet.
I don't even know why we're doing this round - THIS is the fun.
I'm gonna shit my pants.
Oh, Jon's... He's very good standing up.
I didn't realise standing up would be this funny.
Oh, my God! Now have a sniff. All right.
Do that and have a sniff. All right.
There's double points up for grabs in this round.
Jimmy, Jon's gonna have a sniff.
That's my first bang.
It's like, erm, Vicks on crack.
You didn't even blink. I'm telling you I'm a psychopath.
OK. I want to feel.
Quick, we have to crack on.
I want to feel...! Right!
We have to crack on!
It means nothing to Jimmy.
You think you can't feel? Welcome to my world.
What, you're suffering with depression? It doesn't matter.
Let's crack on. You're so supportive. So supportive.
Right, there's double points up for grabs in this round.
Roisin, go ahead and pick the letters. I need a drink.
Yeah, sure. I will smash this
into my teeth. I like my teeth, I want to keep the ones I've got.
Sure, your little, tiny ratty teeth, yeah.
And I don't trust you.
Yeah, wait till after, Jon.
I'll drink out of a plastic bottle, I don't wanna chin myself.
He's so nervous.
HE GASPS
You were so high-pitched!
Argh.
Wah!
Argh!
Roisin, pick the letters. Quickly.
Rachel, please can I have a consonant, please?
S
Please may I have another consonant?
N
And please may I have a vowel, please?
O
Another vowel, please.
JOE GROANS U.
Another vowel, please.
E
A consonant, please.
JOE SHRIEKS
G
And that's through fear.
Another consonant please, Rachel.
D. Ah-yee! Son of a...
And a vowel, please.
SHE SHRIEKS
Oh, an I!
HE SCREAMS
HE GROANS
And a consonant, please, Rachel.
P. OK.
OK, so for double points in the Lightning Round,
your time starts... now.
ELECTRICAL SPARKING
HE SQUEALS
ROISIN YELLS
Argh! Ohh!
What the hell is that?
Erm, I've got one, two, three, four, five, six.
Jon and Roisin are playing. You're not playing this round.
Oh, right. Am I not playing? No. How do you spell "pigeon"?
You're just here for vibes. OK, Jon, how many?
Seven. Roisin, how many?
Seven. She's got seven.
OK, Jon, what was yours? DOUSING.
OK, and, Roisin what was...?
Oh, nice.
What was your seven?
OPENING. You need two N's. Oh!
OK, so that's double points for the Lightning Round.
So, that's 14 points to Jon.
Lucy, Susie, could they have done any better?
8 - DEPOSING. Yes.
DEPOSING. Did you say PIGEONS, Rois?
I did. That would be really good.
I'm happy for you to have PIGEONS
because you did say it before the timer.
Thank you, but I feel... I would like... We'll take the points.
What do you mean, we're so far ahead?
We're all friends now, it's all us against him.
Let's take all the points and then there's three of us
and we've got three of those. So, we can pin him down,
two on his balls, two on his...
OK, so at the end of that,
Jon and Asim are in the lead with 44 points.
HE YELLS
And here is your final teaser. The words are TRY LUBES.
The clue is, it's windy down there.
That's TRY LUBES, it's windy down there. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were TRY LUBES,
the clue was, it's windy down there. It was of course BLUSTERY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, Asim, your turn to choose.
I'll have... How do you do this properly? Consonant.
Consonant, yeah.
Consonant, you do, you do it.
H. Consonant.
T
Consonant.
This is how you do it, mate.
L
Whack all the consonants out. One more.
C
And then stick four vowels up.
E, A, O...
This is what Countdown looks like when you electrocute people.
...and O.
OK, whilst you do that, I'm gonna do some quick magic spells.
Erm, your 30 seconds starts now.
That's not right, is it?
OK, all right, let's go again.
I'm trying to change her back.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you know what I've done?
I was trying to use magic to change Rachel into something else
and all I've done is taken her make-up off.
I'll tell you what, I'll turn Rachel back.
Jon, how many letters?
Nine. Asim, what have you got? Oh, I've only got four. OK.
Roisin, how many? Five. Joe, what have you got?
One off a six.
What's your five?
Genuinely my favourite word - CLOTH.
OK, erm, Asim your four?
Well, I had CLOT,
but I could have just added an H on.
Roisin? CLOOT.
What is a CLOOT?
It's a Scottish person saying "clout".
Do you wanna hear what a Northern Irish cat sounds like?
Yeah. Me-eye!
Me-eye! Me-eye!
Jon, your nine?
CHOCOLATE
OTHERS GASP
Lovely.
That is incredible. It's not... That is a nine-letter word!
That's not boring, is it?
18 points to Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, so Roisin and Joe have 23 points. Jon and Asim have 62. Whoa!
Fingers on buzzers - it's time for
today's non-crucial Countdown conundrum.
Where's the buzzer? Where's the buzzer?
They haven't given us a pissing button.
I think you'll find your massive ice cream is on it.
Oh, right!
OK, your time starts now.
BELL RINGS
Go on, Rois!
LAUGHTER
Roisin, what was it? Christmas. Christmas!
I'm not, I'm sober, it's Christmas.
BELL RINGS
Go on, Rois.
Go on, girl!
Who spins things into gold?
Rumpelstiltskin!
BUZZER
Alchemist.
Oh, pissing hell!
Let's have a look.
So, the final scores are Roisin and Joe have 23,
and Jon and Asim have 72. Yay!
Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown Stylophone.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
STYLOPHONE PLAYS HALTINGLY
Subtitles by Red Bee Media