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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

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Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,

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Jon Richardson, Roisin Conaty,

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Asim Chaudry, Joe Wilkinson,

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Lucy Pearman, Susie Dent,

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Rachel Riley

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and your host, Jimmy Carr!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome

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to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,

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a show about letters
numbers and conundrums.

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OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up,

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it's team captain Jon Richardson.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm not saying Jon Richardson
is short,

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but even when he's standing up,
his feet don't touch the ground.

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And Jon's team-mate, Asim Chaudry.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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In March, 2021 Asim starred
in an advert where he played

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an aerial installer who gets stuck
in a skylight.

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and I for one think it's important

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for actors to pursue
those passion projects.

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What was the advert for?

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Walkers.

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I've never seen that done
with just one finger.

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I thought that was very
nipple twisting.

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Up against them this evening,

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it's guest team captain
Roisin Conaty.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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When it comes to Countdown,

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Roisin's better at
the letters than the numbers,

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in the same way that a cat is better
at rugby than football.

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And joining Roisin tonight,
it's Joe Wilkinson.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You might recognise Joe,

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but you can't think
where you know him from.

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Well, if you've ever seen
that picture depicting evolution

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that starts with an ape
on the left on all fours,

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and ends up with
a human walking upright,

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well, Joe is the guy from
the middle.

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Asim, you starred in

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the last Guardians of the Galaxy
movie. Yeah.

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So, do you play a cool superhero,
badass villain?

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What were you in the movie?

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No, I actually play
a massive walrus.

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So, typeca... Why you laughing?

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Typecasted, you know.
Er, but, yeah, I play...

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I play a walrus
and he's a very cute animal

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and he kind of talks,

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I did, like, a kind of
very dopey geezer voice like,

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"Hello, my name's..." you know.

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It's either that or kind of, like,

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you know dodgy, TV child presenter voice,

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like, "Hello, kids!" It was a cross
between that.

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I did all the CGI for it. I was in,
you know, those tight little...

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I looked like a tightly packed
kebab, it was disgusting.

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the meat hanging out of me.
It was fun.

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I mean, the Marvel Universe
is mental.

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So, you had to do the full dress up
in a green screen thing and...

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For another show as well, er,
Sandman, where I have a pet gargoyle

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and I had to do loads of emotional
scenes with the gargoyle, right,

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and it's basically a guy
in a green suit,

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like a leotard, and I'm trying
to do this emotional scene

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and I'm like, "Mate, I can see
your bulge."

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And he was blessed.

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That would have made me
more emotional. Yeah.

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It made me very sad actually.
It was out of jealousy.

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I'm glad you've learnt that lesson
before you arrived here today.

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I mean, I look down there,
I'm fuming.

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Do you have a big willy, Jon?
I've never asked.

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I think he does, he's got that vibe.
You know nerdy, cardigan, funny.

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I wanna know, seriously.

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What about instead of a prize
at the end, whoever wins...

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We're playing for
a look at Jon's cock.

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Now, take this seriously.

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I've seen it, I don't wanna win.

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Jon, what's the scariest thing
that's ever happened to you?

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Oh, the thought of showing my cock
to Joe Wilkinson.

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That's probably up there.
Well, there's a couple.

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I'm embracing fear in general
in my life.

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I found out that Tony Blair
used to, er,

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he used to do PMQs needing a wee.

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He thought it made him more
sort of dynamic.

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So, I do a similar thing with this -
just before we come out,

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I have a really hot curry
and an iced coffee.

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I've sort of taken it
to the next level.

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I think if he's that good
needing a wee,

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what if he might actually void
his bowels at any point?

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I quite like being beaten up
when I need a wee.

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You can use it, can't you,
like an octopus with its ink.

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OK. Roisin, what's the most showbiz
thing you've ever done?

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I...I like dogs, erm...

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So you like dogging.

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No, I like dogs

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and whenever I travel a lot
for work, I like

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to find out where
the local dog parks are,

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er, so I can go and pet dogs.

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It makes me sound not, like...

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Slightly weirder than dogging now!

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My point is, if there's a really,
like, fit dog and I wanna go over

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and the owner looks like...

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Not in a sexual way!

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If I want some quality time
with the dog

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but the owner looks busy,

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I have been known to sort of quickly
take my hair down

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and put on a bit of red lipstick
before I walk over

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and be like,
"Is that your dog?"

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and hope that they've seen me
at one point on telly

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and not hated what they've seen,

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and then I get to pet the dog
for longer.

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Cos my sister went over to
a dog once and they were like,

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"No, none of it," and I went over
and they were like,

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"Oh, roll over! Suck him off!"

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Did you? Of course. What do you
think the lipstick's for?

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Joe, do you have any hobbies
we don't know about?

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Erm, I pretend to be a dog.

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In Roisin's park.

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OK, Asim, have you got a mascot?

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Yeah, I do actually, erm,
it's one of my heroes.

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Someone I really, I really admire,

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and the reason I love this guy is

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that he doesn't really have
any talent,

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but he has so much charisma,

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and who I'm talking about is,
erm, DJ Khaled.

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So, he's, like, a producer,

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but he doesn't really
produce anything.

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He's got all these number one
hit songs,

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but I just love him
cos of his energy

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and his positivity,
and he's unintentionally funny,

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he doesn't know he's being funny.
So, I dunno if

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he's a comedy genius or he's just
thick as pig shit.

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We do look quite a lot alike.

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I think you guys have got
some pictures,

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if you see he actually...

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Look, you see, he nicks all
my poses, and actually, sometimes

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I get spotted out in the streets
and people are like...

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You know sometimes they don't know
where you're from.

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One guy was like, "DJ Khaled!"
and I was like, "Another one..."

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I took a picture with him
and everything.

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{\an8}I mean, look, he posted it,
and it just says,

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{\an8}"Just met DJ Khaled."

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And the exciting part of that is

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that I actually reached out
to Khaled

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and he's a massive Countdown fan.

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His people sent me this doll
cos I said I need a mascot.

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So, he sent me this doll

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and he even recorded
some voice notes for it.

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Can we try it? Please.

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Asim Chaudry is
a better looking version of me!

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You obviously just made it yourself.
Yeah, I made that.

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Roisin, have you got a mascot?
I do, Jimmy.

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I find sometimes I get quite
stressed on the show cos, erm,

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I'm not the greatest
at playing the games.

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I need something to take
the edge off.

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I don't drink alcohol any more.

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If you could bring it in for me,
that would be great.

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It's just a little something,
like what I'd have if

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I was at home just trying to unwind,

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relax, you know,
just watching a bit of Countdown.

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What is this?

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It's lovely, isn't it? Two spoons,
I hate when they do that.

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It's rude, isn't it?

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Have you brought
a massive ice cream?

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It's to help me chill out.

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It's in a vase.

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This will help me unwind

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and probably send me to sort of
a coma at some point.

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What, are you trying
to get Type 3 diabetes?

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That's a lot of ice cream.

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But the thing is...
Oh, I've just licked my hand.

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Erm, sorry on TV, it's just...
It's all right.

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I'll lick 'em.

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If you don't wanna do it,
someone's gotta do it.

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I know. So, this will take
the edge off

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and sometimes I've taken too much
of the edge off

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and not been able to see
the letters on the board.

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Erm, so what I've done is
a double pronged attack...

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I do need to... Lick those!

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The other thing I've brought in...

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Tease.

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...are these smelling salts.

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You've brought in an ice cream
and smelling salts?

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Oh, I'm going all angles
to win tonight.

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Right.
We're gonna see that fella's todger.

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These are called Power Sniff.

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"For serious competitors looking
for a psychological edge."

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Wow.

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Shall I take some now?

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I wanna see what effect
it actually has.

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I'm a bit scared, are you scared?
No.

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OK. You're shaking.
Oh, oh!

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Give us a go.

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I feel like I just went back
in time.

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OK, I should say, er,
if there's any children watching,

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don't try this at home.

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Oh, my Christ! Jesus wept!
You're only meant to...

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Do you want a go?
We don't juice. Yeah.

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We're gonna win healthy.
All right?

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Yeah, stay clean.
We fucking do!

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OK Jon, have you got a mascot?

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I've been watching
the Harry Potter films

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with my daughter,
I really like the sorting hat.

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So, you put it on the kid's head
and it tells you

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what school they're gonna be in.

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If they're going Gryffindor,
they're a goodie.

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00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,800
If they're going Slytherin,
they're a baddie.

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And if they go in the other two,
they're not gonna be in
the rest of the films.

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And I got to thinking
it would be good to have

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a sorting hat just for society.

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00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,960
So, you put it on someone's head
and just know if they're

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a dickhead or what sort
of person they are.

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00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:12,400
So, I spoke to the guys in, er,
the lab and, er,

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we've actually developed
a prototype.

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And I have say at this point,
this is not a sorting hat

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and if you were a lawyer
representing anyone

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00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,360
who thought this was
a sorting hat,

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you can fuck right off.

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This is Jon Richardson's Putting
Things Into Groups headwear.

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Here he is. Oh, lovely.

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Still in the sort of
prototype phase.

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00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,200
But I'll test it out
on myself first,

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that's the only fair thing
to do, isn't it?

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Which way is it?
Pointing that way.

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And see what he says about me.

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Hmm, a good man,
honest and clean

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00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,680
and very sexy.

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00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,800
Oh, it is good. Well, it obviously
works, there's no denying that.

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So I thought if nobody minds,
we'll start with you, Joe,

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is that all right?
Yeah, yeah. All right.

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If you're wondering how everyone
in show business got nits...

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Aah! A twat.

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00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,600
That's a bit mean.
It's good, isn't it?

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What about me?
No, I haven't done you.

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00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,800
I'll do you next.

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Hmm! Interesting.

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00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,720
Another twat.

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00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,040
Jon! I'm really sorry.
He's gone rogue. I'll try Asim.

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00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,560
This is passive aggression
gone wild.

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00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,680
Ah! definitely a twat.

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00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,600
Shall we try it on Jimmy?

241
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,600
Well, yeah, let's try it,
let's just... It should be fine.

242
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,520
Don't even think about
putting me on that twat.

243
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,560
That's so cool!

244
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,040
Joe, have you got a mascot?

245
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,000
I, er... You know I work, er...

246
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,640
Well, you might not know,
but I also work... Ohh!

247
00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:00,680
Just have a sly bit
of ice cream there, Roisin.

248
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,800
I'm sure it's rather distracting.
Start again, it didn't happen.

249
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,120
You even keep eye contact
with him as well.

250
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,360
All I saw was...

251
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,600
You basically saw what the dog saw.

252
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,400
Joe, have you got a mascot?
Oh, yeah.

253
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,120
I, er,
you might not know this,

254
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,240
but I also work for Aldi,
the budget supermarket chain,

255
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,320
and what I do for them is,
you know, erm,

256
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,160
Aldi make, like, products
that are quite similar

257
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,680
to well-known brands?

258
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,760
My job is coming up with
the names that are similar

259
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,200
to those well-known brands
but a bit shitter.

260
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,320
And, er, like for example,

261
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,000
I'm sure you've heard of
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

262
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,560
Yeah, what have you got?

263
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,960
Er, Aldi's version is...

264
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,040
If It's Not Butter,
What The Fuck Is It?

265
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,200
We all love Dairylea Triangles, right?

266
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,640
Delicious, yeah, sure.
Our version of, er,

267
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,680
Dairylea Triangles are
Milky Steve Oblongs.

268
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,440
I've never considered
that Dairylea was just called Lea

269
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,160
who started some cheese.

270
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,840
Hobnobs - ours are simply called...

271
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,880
Top Part Of the Cooker
Piers Morgans.

272
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,920
And, er, and now you might
not know this,

273
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,320
but they've also started
bringing out board games.

274
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,680
So, we're venturing into
board games.

275
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,800
So, you've all heard of Buckaroo.

276
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,080
Our version of Buckaroo
is simply, er...

277
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,920
Ruin My Ass.

278
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,240
Possibly you can see under there,

279
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,920
"How much can your ass take
before it collapses?"

280
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,520
Joe Wilkinson, everyone.

281
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,760
Over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Lucy Pearman.

282
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,160
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

283
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:07,680
Lucy, welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats.

284
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,160
It's an honour to be here
and meet everyone,

285
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,200
because of course,
we've never met before, have we?

286
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,600
No.

287
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,080
MOBILE PHONE RINGING

288
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,840
That's my phone.

289
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,200
Hello?

290
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,600
Yeah, I'm here. Yeah.

291
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:32,240
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's here, yeah.

292
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:37,320
Er, like, a jacket, a blazer,

293
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,280
a tie with a sort of
light blue stripe

294
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,960
and then he's just naked
from the waist down.

295
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,480
Dyes it, yeah,
definitely dyes it.

296
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,960
Yeah, OK. Gotta go, gotta go.
Sorry, gotta go.

297
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,760
And then, erm, I just thought I'd
ask the cleverest person I know.

298
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:01,000
What do you get when you
peel a banana?

299
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,840
Fl... Oh, flume.

300
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,680
No, it's, er, a cock.

301
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,400
And with Lucy, of course,
it's Susie Dent!

302
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

303
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,760
I'm not saying Susie's books
aren't successful,

304
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,840
but more people have read
the terms and conditions

305
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,520
of their mobile phone contract.

306
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:26,200
Er, Susie, it says here
you collect eggcorns.

307
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,160
What exactly is an eggcorn?

308
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,280
We kind of mishear things
and then they become...

309
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,200
...we're just convinced
that they're right,

310
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,600
like, erm, a doggy dog world,

311
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,240
er, like a bowl in a china shop.
There are lots of them.

312
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,840
But I'll give you some of
my recent favourites. Go on.

313
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,000
One... I don't know why this one
makes me laugh.

314
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,160
To cut your nose off despite
your face.

315
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,640
Lack toast intolerance. Yeah.
I like that one.

316
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,160
You know with my, like,

317
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,440
my immigrant dad,
he's Pakistani,

318
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,560
pidgin English as well,
it's kind of similar. Yeah.

319
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,200
Like, my Dad says loads
of wrong things.

320
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,200
But one of my favourites ever

321
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,280
is instead of, er,
eat your heart out, he once said,

322
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,680
in front of all my mates, he went,
"Well, there we go, mate.

323
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,520
"Eat your arse out."

324
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:14,000
And he said it with such confidence,
you know...

325
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,680
And I said, "How long have you
been saying this for, Dad?!" Wow!

326
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,920
"What do you mean?
That's how you say it."

327
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,040
I'm loving it. Sorry, can
we just take a break here?

328
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,840
Cos someone's eating a Flake.

329
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,680
It's down, it's down, it's down.

330
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,600
In charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!

331
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

332
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,880
It says here you hosted
a special edition of Countdown

333
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,240
with the England Squad. Tell me,

334
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,480
who's better at Countdown -
comedians or footballers?

335
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,640
I think the England squad
were actually surprisingly good.

336
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,680
Who was there? James Maddison
against Luke Shaw, and it was for...

337
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,280
So, Channel 4 got some of the sport,

338
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,920
so they were playing
an England game,

339
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,880
and they thought, you know,
Channel 4 viewers,

340
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,080
if you mash two shows up,
they'll watch any old shit, so...

341
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,320
LAUGHTER

342
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,840
Were they better than us, Rach?

343
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,240
They were actually pretty good.
They were only told that morning

344
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,400
that they were gonna do it.
Oh, fuck off!

345
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,720
That is all I've got!

346
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,440
You know those fit millionaires
who are great at football?

347
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,960
They're better than you at the
fucking word stuff, as well.

348
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,760
OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this -

349
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,640
the Countdown stylophone.

350
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,720
A bit of hush, everyone.

351
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,200
Take it away, Fabio.

352
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

353
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,840
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.

354
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,680
Roisin and Joe,
your first pick of the letters.

355
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,280
Woo.

356
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,440
Have some more ice cream,
keep the buzz up.

357
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,320
I've done quite a lot on the sly.
I've been sneaky eating.

358
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,120
There's no flakes left, are there?

359
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,920
Please, Rachel, may we have
two from the top...?

360
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,280
No, no, that's not even...

361
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,600
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

362
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,440
Please may we have...

363
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,280
Consonant, vowel... Erm...

364
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,080
How shit do you have to be at
Countdown...?

365
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,800
It's been a while. It's been a
while. "Two from the top, please!"

366
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,480
It's been a while.

367
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,480
Erm, please may we have
a consonant, please, Rachel?

368
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:27,840
W

369
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,680
Another consonant, please.

370
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,080
S

371
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,280
Try and spell out a word,
otherwise we're buggered. Oh, and...

372
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,680
...a vowel, please.

373
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,400
E. Can you put that
in the middle of...?

374
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,000
Can you make it W-E-S?

375
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,640
Thank you. I don't know if that's...

376
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,240
Another vowel, please, Rachel.

377
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,680
How many vowels do we do? Four?

378
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:45,720
A

379
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:49,000
Er, can you put the A
next to the...?

380
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,440
Very fluid. Literally arsed it up.
Another consonant, please, Rachel.

381
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,240
D? Another consonant, please.

382
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,080
Oh, it's messing with my head now. P.

383
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,400
Another consonant, please.

384
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,680
S

385
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,720
And two more vowels, please.
S, these are belters! And...

386
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,840
...U and O.

387
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,760
OK, quick health and safety announcement.

388
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,200
Yeah, OK.

389
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,040
The Countdown troll has escaped,

390
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:14,400
{\an8}and I don't wanna alarm anyone
but it's mating season for trolls.

391
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,440
So, erm, just don't approach it
if you see the troll

392
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,040
cos it is... it is a prick.

393
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,200
Oh, God...

394
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,440
I mean, honestly, I think
you'll probably be fine.

395
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,120
Er, your time starts now.

396
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,520
GROWLING >
- Fuck me.
- Oh, my God.

397
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,120
LAUGHTER

398
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,080
Wow!

399
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,200
Oh, God, fuck off.

400
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,280
TROLL GROWLS

401
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:45,880
Fucking hell.

402
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,880
Why did he go for me?

403
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,560
COUNTDOWN MUSIC ENDS

404
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,600
LAUGHTER

405
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,800
I...I'll sort this.
I'll have a word.

406
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,760
I thought I told you to fuck off.

407
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,920
TROLL GROWLS

408
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,680
What?

409
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,120
Fucking bell-end.

410
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,120
APPLAUSE

411
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,560
Prick.

412
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,880
Erm, Roisin, how many letters?

413
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,720
Six. Six, OK.
Oh, well done.

414
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,320
Joe, how many letters?

415
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,120
Er, a five or a risky three.

416
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,760
OK, er, Asim?

417
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,960
That really shit me up.

418
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,640
Yeah, I've only got four

419
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,520
and it's related to what happened.

420
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,520
Er, Jon? A six.

421
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:40,760
Asim, your four?

422
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,920
Well, as I was saying,
when he was coming up to me,

423
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,360
he really shit me up,
so I just had DEAD.

424
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,920
That's what...
You had DEAD, did you?

425
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,320
Oh, shit.

426
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,760
OK, you see, that's...

427
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,680
Wait, fuck!

428
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,760
Erm, Joe, your five?

429
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,080
SWAPE. Could you use SWAPE
in a sentence? Cos...

430
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,440
SWAPE? Yeah, SWAPE. SWAPE.

431
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,800
It's a past tense of swipe.
You SWAPE it.

432
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,240
"How was your time on Tinder
last night?" "Oh..."

433
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,080
"I SWAPE the shit out of it."

434
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,720
OK, Roisin, your six?

435
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,680
My six is SOUPED.

436
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:10,960
Oh!

437
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
Very nice. Jon, your six?
What's your six?

438
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,480
PAUSED.

439
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,720
Oh. Oh, very...

440
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,200
Such a boring word.

441
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,720
Six points to both teams.

442
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,240
Was it boring?

443
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,520
OK, so, er, Lucy, Susie,
could they have done any better?

444
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,600
Yes. She's got PSEUDOS. Yeah.

445
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,280
So, at the end of that,
both teams have six points.

446
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,160
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

447
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,680
Onto our first numbers round.

448
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,640
OK, Jon, Asim, you get to
pick the numbers.

449
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,800
Let me just say,
I've been on this show once before.

450
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,160
I am terrible at maths
and one of the reasons...

451
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,280
You're not amazing at English, mate!
I...

452
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,480
No, that was the troll's fault,
all right?

453
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,160
But can I just say something?
The reason I'm so bad at maths

454
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,640
is cos I had a horrible
maths teacher

455
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,280
who used to make me feel so dumb.
When I used to ask a question,

456
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,120
she used to do this.
She used to go...

457
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,360
HE SIGHS LOUDLY

458
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,760
...like that.
And I stopped asking questions.

459
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,960
I haven't even got a maths GCSE.
There, I've said it.

460
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,320
I lied on my CV. I even...

461
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,360
I retook...
Can we get him off the show?

462
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,080
I did a year...

463
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,360
I retook the GCSE as well,
and I failed

464
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,680
because I was terrified of
that teacher in school.

465
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,920
Sorry, you retook it and you failed?
Yeah.

466
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,920
Do you know how I feel about it?
Yeah?

467
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,400
HE SIGHS

468
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,120
Little 12-year-old me is crying
right now.

469
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,920
Luckily you've come on a show
where we're all really supportive.

470
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,400
OK, let's go. Pick the numbers.

471
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,800
Can we have two big ones, please?

472
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,000
Yeah, two big ones

473
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,880
and four little ones.
And four little ones.

474
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,680
You've got 1, 6,

475
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,560
5, 5,

476
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:40,880
75 and 50.

477
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,120
Oh, fella.

478
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,080
And the target, 528.

479
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,960
Is that doable?
OK, and your time starts

480
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,320
now. Is that doable?

481
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,520
6, 1...

482
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,000
What's the number? 528.

483
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,160
Jon, did you get it?

484
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,400
I got 527.

485
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,680
OK. Asim, did you
write anything down?

486
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,160
Can I just say, if...

487
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,720
Rachel if I get this...
Yeah?

488
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,280
Is this better than a GCSE?

489
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,320
Like, did you say that?
If you get this

490
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,400
I'll, like, speak to someone,
I'll get you a GCSE.

491
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,200
You'll get me a maths GCSE?
If you get this.

492
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,080
Yeah, we'll get you one.
We've got that kind of power.

493
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,880
Right. Well, no,
I was nowhere close.

494
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,040
Roisin? 530.

495
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,520
OK, Joe?

496
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,360
{\an8}Er, I got the same as Jon,
and did it the same way.

497
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,760
Jon, why don't you go?
You do one and then I'll do one.

498
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,640
We'll do it together, yeah.
OK, yeah.

499
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,600
So, 75...
What's your move, Joe?

500
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,400
Times. Times.

501
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,160
75 times...
Oh, yeah, yeah.

502
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,680
...6.

503
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,000
Oh, well played. Equals, equals.

504
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,400
Equals, yeah.
They're both doing it.

505
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,000
+ 1

506
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,440
Ah, so we get rid of the equals. Yeah.

507
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,200
OK. You could have done it
both ways.

508
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,400
Oh, plus five. That's what I did.

509
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,880
Well, you can do that, yeah,
you can do that. I did...

510
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,640
50 ÷ 5 = 10

511
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:26,920
Yeah.

512
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,000
Divided by the other five is two,
and added that on.

513
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,400
527, one away.

514
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,200
But it's useful to see how in sync
we were then.

515
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,120
Can I just check something?
I did...

516
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,240
5 + 5 = 10

517
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:39,440
Yeah.

518
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,080
10 x 50 = 500.

519
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,240
Yeah.

520
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,760
LAUGHTER

521
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,840
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

522
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:54,480
The most patronising clap
I've had in my fucking life!

523
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,600
Leave no child behind!

524
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,640
Well, I think we can agree,
that's er,

525
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,440
seven points to both teams.

526
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,480
Why is it seven? Because...

527
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,520
If you get close... Oh, OK.

528
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,520
Er, Rachel, could it be done?

529
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,720
Joe's way is obviously
the best you could have done.

530
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:14,880
This was impossible.

531
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,880
OK. Time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.

532
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,280
Erm, Lucy, are you OK over there?

533
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:23,360
I just thought that I might
get a kiss. Maybe someone...

534
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:24,960
...in the audience.

535
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,160
You wanna go and pick someone
in the audience to kiss? Yeah.

536
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,640
Yeah, that seems appropriate
in this day and age!

537
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,560
Erm...

538
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:35,920
Do you mind?

539
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,560
No, not you, no.

540
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:45,520
Not now, wait.
I just need to get ready.

541
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,200
Stay there.

542
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:11,960
It's took a turn, hasn't it?

543
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,720
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

544
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,800
APPLAUSE

545
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,760
And do you...?

546
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,160
Have you undressed
a woman before?

547
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,200
Just... just gently take...

548
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,840
...just take it off. Yeah.

549
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,080
Is that how you do it normally?
Just...?

550
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:07,680
Stand up.

551
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,640
And then look at me while
we're doing it.

552
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:14,720
Nice.

553
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,040
Look at me, yeah. Yeah.

554
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,960
Is it your first time, or...?

555
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,480
Just take... Just gently.

556
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,800
Yeah, just ge...
Yeah, just gently...

557
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:32,960
Don't...

558
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,200
LAUGHTER

559
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,080
Don't look at that. Don't look
at that, don't look at that.

560
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,000
Don't look at that. Just...

561
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,120
Just...

562
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,440
SHE SHRIEKS LOUDLY

563
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:54,760
Does yours do that, Susie?

564
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,360
That's it, thank you.

565
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,120
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

566
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,320
Oh, dear.

567
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,920
They have Gyles Brandreth
there on the normal one.

568
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,480
And here is your teaser.

569
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:18,680
The words are WILLY FLU.
The clue is - I got it deliberately.

570
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,800
That's WILLY FLU.
I got it deliberately.

571
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,320
See you after the break.

572
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,000
APPLAUSE

573
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,320
APPLAUSE

574
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:39,520
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,

575
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,680
the words were WILLY FLU. The
clue was - I got it deliberately.

576
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,160
It was of course, WILFULLY.

577
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,560
So, both teams have 13 points.

578
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:47,320
They've been playing in teams
so far,

579
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,680
but this game is just for
Roisin and Asim.

580
00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:52,160
So, it might be a good time to
go and make yourself a cup of tea.

581
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,760
Nothing is gonna happen here.

582
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,560
Famous last words.

583
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:58,640
And I just spat a bit
of marshmallow out.

584
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,280
OK, so Asim,
your turn to pick the letters.

585
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:04,440
Erm, I'll have a vowel, please.

586
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:05,560
Thank you, Asim.

587
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:06,920
A

588
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,240
Er, I'll have another vowel.

589
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:09,360
O

590
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:10,480
Consonant.

591
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:11,720
R

592
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,040
A vowel.

593
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:14,240
E

594
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:15,640
Another vowel, please.

595
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:16,880
A

596
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,120
Consonant.

597
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:19,360
H

598
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:20,800
Er, another consonant, please.

599
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,040
L

600
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:23,800
Vowel.
LAUGHTER

601
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:25,320
What's funny about this?
E.

602
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,280
I'm trying to sound like
I know what I'm doing.

603
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,080
I've no fucking clue. Er...

604
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:32,760
You sound like a man who really
likes the word "vowel".

605
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,000
And a consonant, then.

606
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,520
And the last one - R. OK.

607
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,120
Jon, you're not playing in this one.

608
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,400
You look a little bit stiff -
do you want me to crack your back?

609
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,160
Yeah, I'd love that, actually,
if that's all right.

610
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,160
Have you got that thing where...?

611
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,120
Yeah, it just needs popping out
a little bit.

612
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,840
If you just... Yeah.
You just... You lean back.

613
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,240
Yeah. You lean back. Yeah.

614
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,400
OK, your time starts now.

615
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,480
CRACK!

616
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,720
CRACK!

617
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:08,360
CRACK!

618
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:18,920
CRACK!

619
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:24,680
CRACK!

620
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

621
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,720
Jon? Yeah?

622
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,040
Jon, I've gotta ask,

623
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,280
have you been getting enough fibre
in your diet?

624
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:37,480
That's a haemorrhoid,
not a testicle.

625
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,640
Erm, Roisin, how many?

626
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:42,840
SHE LAUGHS

627
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,760
You're always doing that.

628
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:48,000
It's the most relaxed I've ever
seen Jon.

629
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,280
Yeah, we should probably
let Jon down.

630
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,040
Hey!

631
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,600
Hang on, we'll need to copy that
pose, right. So, one arm...

632
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,120
Yeah, copy that pose, Jon.

633
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:02,880
Yeah...

634
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,600
It was that way, was it?

635
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:08,720
Yeah, they're well copied.

636
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,200
Yeah, that'll do, That'll do.
Oh, that's exactly the same.

637
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

638
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:19,800
It's nice,
it's fun that, though, isn't it?

639
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,080
You're sometimes at work,

640
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,080
you're so busy getting on
with stuff,

641
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:25,040
you forget to suck off your mates.

642
00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:29,520
It's horrible when they have
to book a talented you.

643
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,560
I can't believe you're that bothered
you can't sort of

644
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,720
do an upside-down blowy.

645
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:39,000
WHISPERING

646
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:41,640
What's going on? I'm just watching
these two have a chat.

647
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,080
Yeah, we're just talking
about nipples.

648
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:45,960
I've been talking to Rachel
about them first

649
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:48,440
cos we have this Countdown code
where we just go like that

650
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,880
and then we know... It's normally
when "areolar" comes up. Yeah.

651
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,520
Yeah. Speaking of areolar,
that's what I first saw

652
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,200
when I saw that. Yeah, me too.

653
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,680
I was trying to spell "areolar".
Is it there? Yeah.

654
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,760
Oh, shit. ROISIN: You've got it.

655
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,400
No, I've put something else, but...
You've got it!

656
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,320
Is that the other one? Yeah. Really?
Yeah, I'd go with that one.

657
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,680
Go for yours. How many have you got?
Well, mine's very sentimental

658
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,800
because it's where my dad's from.
Lahore in Pakistan, the city.

659
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,520
It's a capital letter, though. You
can't have proper nouns on here.

660
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,240
Oh, you can't? No. Are you fully
aware what a proper noun is?

661
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:20,440
Yes.

662
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:22,440
What's a proper noun? Huh?

663
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,040
Like, not a place or a doing...

664
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:28,920
Yeah, something with
a capital letter. Yeah, yeah.

665
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,120
If you want an emotional value,
that's also where your dad

666
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:33,560
got his first meals.

667
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:36,800
Roisin, how many? Six.

668
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,560
How many have you got, Joe?
Do you not even care what it is?

669
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,680
I'm not playing, you bastard!

670
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,320
Roisin, what's your six?

671
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:44,400
HEALER. HEALER?

672
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:45,880
Yeah. Seven points to Asim.

673
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,600
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

674
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,880
Lucy, Susie, could they have done
any better?

675
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,440
No. You can have AREOLAE,

676
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,320
you can put the E on the end
for more than one.

677
00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:00,640
Isn't that garlic sauce?

678
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,240
So, at the end of that,
Roisin and Joe have 13 points,

679
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:07,960
Jon and Asim have 20.

680
00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:13,000
Right, now time for Jon
and Joe to go head to head.

681
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:14,880
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.

682
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:17,720
Can I have 100 and then, erm,
some others?

683
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:19,840
100 and then five little ones?
Yeah.

684
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:23,560
You've got your little ones - a 10.
Oh, lovely. 9. Yes. 3. Yes.

685
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,560
4. Yes. 4. And there's your 100, Joe.

686
00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:28,200
Hold on, swap a four...

687
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,560
You'd better get it now.

688
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:32,600
OK, and your time starts now.

689
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:36,920
Do you know what? I might be able to
pissing do this.

690
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:45,320
No, I can't.

691
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,120
Have you done it?

692
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,680
I've done it, mate, yeah.

693
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,920
Oh, yeah.

694
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:06,560
OK, well, Jon, I'm gonna assume
you've done it.

695
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,280
I have done it, yeah.
Joe, did you get it?

696
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:12,800
That's absolutely none
of your fucking business. Yeah,

697
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,320
I'm only pissing about.

698
00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:17,800
OK, Joe, how did you do it?
OK, so 4 x 3 = 12.

699
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,280
Are you sure?

700
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:20,800
No!

701
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:23,640
10, start with 10.

702
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,160
10.

703
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:26,400
Times... Times.

704
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:27,680
Pop a bracket in. Yeah.

705
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,600
Do the other side of
the bracket quickly...

706
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:34,840
...and times in the middle of it.

707
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,600
Is that a hint there should be
a small one on that side?

708
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:39,560
So, one times...

709
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,960
You can lead a horse to
the water...

710
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:48,800
You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make it think.

711
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:51,800
What makes...? What is...?

712
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:55,400
A four is a safe bet, mate.
Put a four.

713
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:56,920
4 times...4?

714
00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:00,000
Put a plus. Yeah.

715
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,600
3. Oh, that's 190.

716
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:04,640
Yeah, and add the one. Yeah.

717
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,000
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

718
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:14,440
Did you do it the same way, Jon?

719
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,600
I was bluffing, I didn't get it.

720
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,080
Yes, I did it the same way.

721
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,200
10 points to both teams.

722
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,560
And here is your teaser.
The words are TUNA LIPS.

723
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,160
The clue is, you may now
kiss the bride.

724
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,080
That's TUNA LIPS, you may now
kiss the bride.

725
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:34,240
See you after the break.

726
00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:43,440
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

727
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:52,040
Welcome back, the answer to the
teaser, the words were TUNA LIPS,

728
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:54,160
the clue was, you may now
kiss the bride.

729
00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,120
It was, of course, NUPTIALS. OK.

730
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:58,720
On to another letters game
and we're gonna up the stakes.

731
00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:01,960
We're playing for double points
in the Lightning Round.

732
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:03,760
THUNDER CRASHES

733
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:08,280
Jon and Roisin have been fitted
with electric-shock machines

734
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,360
and at any time they might get
a small shock.

735
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:12,800
Now, Asim, you've not got one
of these on

736
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:16,040
because you have a trick anus
and, uh...

737
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,480
No, you know what it is,
I don't know if you remember,

738
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,240
last time I was on the show. Yeah?

739
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:23,000
I told you that I think
I might be, like, a psychopath

740
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:26,160
because I don't feel stuff.
Like I feel... I'm not a psychopath.

741
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,200
Well, that's the perfect person
to have it on.

742
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:31,360
We knew that. So, in order
to demonstrate the device,

743
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:32,960
we didn't go for you.

744
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,160
Argh! Ah!

745
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,320
We went for Joe Wilkinson, who very
kindly agreed

746
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,920
to put one on just to...
So, at any stage... Argh!

747
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:44,000
...in proceedings...

748
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:45,640
Jon, you love this round,
don't you?

749
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:48,840
I hate you and this. Are you ready?
Yeah.

750
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,920
SHE SCREAMS

751
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,520
That's Roisin's.
I had it in the wrong hand.

752
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,720
It's so much... Argh!

753
00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:00,600
Sorry, I was trying to get Jon.

754
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,760
Squirrel, squirrel.

755
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,320
Is "squirrel" your safe word?

756
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:14,680
I didn't know we were allowed
a safe word.

757
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:16,200
Argh!

758
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,520
What's that about?

759
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,000
We've not even started yet.

760
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:28,640
I don't even know why we're doing
this round - THIS is the fun.

761
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:30,520
I'm gonna shit my pants.

762
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,520
Oh, Jon's... He's very good
standing up.

763
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:38,360
I didn't realise standing up
would be this funny.

764
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,480
Oh, my God! Now have a sniff.
All right.

765
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,200
Do that and have a sniff. All right.

766
00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:45,400
There's double points
up for grabs in this round.

767
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:47,600
Jimmy, Jon's gonna have a sniff.

768
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:51,440
That's my first bang.

769
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:56,040
It's like, erm, Vicks on crack.

770
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,240
You didn't even blink.
I'm telling you I'm a psychopath.

771
00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:00,640
OK. I want to feel.

772
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:01,880
Quick, we have to crack on.

773
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,840
I want to feel...! Right!

774
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:06,280
We have to crack on!

775
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,120
It means nothing to Jimmy.

776
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:13,520
You think you can't feel?
Welcome to my world.

777
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,640
What, you're suffering with
depression? It doesn't matter.

778
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:19,520
Let's crack on. You're so
supportive. So supportive.

779
00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:21,760
Right, there's double points up
for grabs in this round.

780
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:25,440
Roisin, go ahead and pick
the letters. I need a drink.

781
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:27,680
Yeah, sure. I will smash this

782
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,800
into my teeth. I like my teeth,
I want to keep the ones I've got.

783
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,000
Sure, your little,
tiny ratty teeth, yeah.

784
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:34,440
And I don't trust you.

785
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:36,120
Yeah, wait till after, Jon.

786
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:38,960
I'll drink out of a plastic bottle,
I don't wanna chin myself.

787
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:40,680
He's so nervous.

788
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,720
HE GASPS

789
00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:45,320
You were so high-pitched!

790
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,200
Argh.

791
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:51,760
Wah!

792
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:53,240
Argh!

793
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:56,080
Roisin, pick the letters. Quickly.

794
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:57,960
Rachel, please can I have
a consonant, please?

795
00:38:57,960 --> 00:38:59,640
S

796
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:01,160
Please may I have another consonant?

797
00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:02,440
N

798
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,680
And please may I have
a vowel, please?

799
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:06,400
O

800
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:07,880
Another vowel, please.

801
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:09,280
JOE GROANS U.

802
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:10,800
Another vowel, please.

803
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,000
E

804
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,320
A consonant, please.

805
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,240
JOE SHRIEKS

806
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:16,840
G

807
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:18,760
And that's through fear.

808
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,520
Another consonant please, Rachel.

809
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,320
D. Ah-yee! Son of a...

810
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:24,480
And a vowel, please.

811
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:26,120
SHE SHRIEKS

812
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:27,680
Oh, an I!

813
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:29,480
HE SCREAMS

814
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:33,520
HE SCREAMS

815
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:37,560
HE GROANS

816
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,200
And a consonant, please, Rachel.

817
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:42,800
P. OK.

818
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:45,320
OK, so for double points in the
Lightning Round,

819
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:47,520
your time starts... now.

820
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,920
ELECTRICAL SPARKING

821
00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:59,160
HE SQUEALS

822
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,960
ROISIN YELLS

823
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:25,480
Argh! Ohh!

824
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:27,560
What the hell is that?

825
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:31,120
Erm, I've got one,
two, three, four, five, six.

826
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:34,200
Jon and Roisin are playing.
You're not playing this round.

827
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,400
Oh, right. Am I not playing? No.
How do you spell "pigeon"?

828
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:39,960
You're just here for vibes.
OK, Jon, how many?

829
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:41,600
Seven. Roisin, how many?

830
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:43,560
Seven. She's got seven.

831
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,040
OK, Jon, what was yours? DOUSING.

832
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:47,000
OK, and, Roisin what was...?

833
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:48,080
Oh, nice.

834
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:49,520
What was your seven?

835
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:52,680
OPENING. You need two N's. Oh!

836
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:54,960
OK, so that's double points
for the Lightning Round.

837
00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:57,120
So, that's 14 points to Jon.

838
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:01,280
Lucy, Susie, could they have done
any better?

839
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:03,720
8 - DEPOSING. Yes.

840
00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:06,160
DEPOSING. Did you say PIGEONS, Rois?

841
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:08,440
I did.
That would be really good.

842
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:09,800
I'm happy for you to have PIGEONS

843
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,840
because you did say it before
the timer.

844
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:15,320
Thank you, but I feel... I would
like... We'll take the points.

845
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:18,320
What do you mean,
we're so far ahead?

846
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,280
We're all friends now,
it's all us against him.

847
00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:25,040
Let's take all the points
and then there's three of us

848
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:27,360
and we've got three of those.
So, we can pin him down,

849
00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:30,320
two on his balls, two on his...

850
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,200
OK, so at the end of that,

851
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:35,160
Jon and Asim are in the lead
with 44 points.

852
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,280
HE YELLS

853
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:42,160
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TRY LUBES.

854
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:44,320
The clue is, it's windy down there.

855
00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:48,040
That's TRY LUBES, it's windy down
there. See you after the break.

856
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

857
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:06,880
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were TRY LUBES,

858
00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:10,280
the clue was, it's windy down there.
It was of course BLUSTERY.

859
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:11,800
OK, time for our final letters game.

860
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:13,200
Jon, Asim, your turn to choose.

861
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,480
I'll have... How do you do
this properly? Consonant.

862
00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:17,560
Consonant, yeah.

863
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:19,320
Consonant, you do, you do it.

864
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:20,560
H. Consonant.

865
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:21,760
T

866
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,360
Consonant.

867
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:26,440
Consonant.
This is how you do it, mate.

868
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:27,520
L

869
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:29,840
Whack all the consonants out.
One more.

870
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:30,920
C

871
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,120
And then stick four vowels up.

872
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,560
E, A, O...

873
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:38,160
This is what Countdown looks like
when you electrocute people.

874
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:39,240
...and O.

875
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:43,840
OK, whilst you do that, I'm gonna do
some quick magic spells.

876
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:46,000
Erm, your 30 seconds starts now.

877
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:56,000
That's not right, is it?

878
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,280
OK, all right, let's go again.

879
00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:16,880
I'm trying to change her back.

880
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:19,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

881
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:22,240
Do you know what I've done?

882
00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:25,680
I was trying to use magic
to change Rachel into something else

883
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:28,280
and all I've done is taken
her make-up off.

884
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:32,600
I'll tell you what, I'll turn Rachel back.

885
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:34,000
Jon, how many letters?

886
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,280
Nine. Asim, what have you got?
Oh, I've only got four. OK.

887
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:40,720
Roisin, how many? Five.
Joe, what have you got?

888
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:42,360
One off a six.

889
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:44,920
What's your five?

890
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,440
Genuinely my favourite word - CLOTH.

891
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,280
OK, erm, Asim your four?

892
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,160
Well, I had CLOT,

893
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:54,480
but I could have just added
an H on.

894
00:43:56,240 --> 00:43:58,040
Roisin? CLOOT.

895
00:43:58,040 --> 00:43:59,440
What is a CLOOT?

896
00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:01,360
It's a Scottish person
saying "clout".

897
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:04,400
Do you wanna hear what
a Northern Irish cat sounds like?

898
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:07,040
Yeah. Me-eye!

899
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,160
Me-eye! Me-eye!

900
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:15,240
Jon, your nine?

901
00:44:15,240 --> 00:44:16,920
CHOCOLATE

902
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:19,280
OTHERS GASP

903
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:21,920
Lovely.

904
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:25,320
That is incredible. It's not...
That is a nine-letter word!

905
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:26,960
That's not boring, is it?

906
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:28,920
18 points to Jon Richardson.

907
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:31,400
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

908
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:38,760
OK, so Roisin and Joe have 23
points. Jon and Asim have 62. Whoa!

909
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:41,760
Fingers on buzzers - it's time for

910
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:43,760
today's non-crucial
Countdown conundrum.

911
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:45,120
Where's the buzzer?
Where's the buzzer?

912
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,080
They haven't given us
a pissing button.

913
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:49,200
I think you'll find your massive
ice cream is on it.

914
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:50,840
Oh, right!

915
00:44:57,720 --> 00:44:59,400
OK, your time starts now.

916
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:27,120
BELL RINGS

917
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:28,560
Go on, Rois!

918
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,880
LAUGHTER

919
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,880
Roisin, what was it?
Christmas. Christmas!

920
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:42,320
I'm not, I'm sober, it's Christmas.

921
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:44,320
BELL RINGS

922
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:45,840
Go on, Rois.

923
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:52,000
Go on, girl!

924
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:53,600
Who spins things into gold?

925
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:56,520
Rumpelstiltskin!

926
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,600
BUZZER

927
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,880
Alchemist.

928
00:45:59,880 --> 00:46:02,040
Oh, pissing hell!

929
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:04,440
Let's have a look.

930
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:07,960
So, the final scores are Roisin
and Joe have 23,

931
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:09,760
and Jon and Asim have 72. Yay!

932
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:11,680
Congratulations.

933
00:46:11,680 --> 00:46:13,520
You're now the proud owner of this,

934
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,160
the Countdown Stylophone.

935
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:17,440
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience

936
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:20,720
and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us, goodnight.

937
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:22,960
STYLOPHONE PLAYS HALTINGLY

938
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:39,680
Subtitles by Red Bee Media