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This program me contains
strong language and adult humour
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Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats
Does Countdown -
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Sarah Millican,
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Joe Wilkinson,
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Tom Allen,
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Rosie Jones,
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Mr Swallow,
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Susie Dent,
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Rachel Riley
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and your host, jimmy Carr!
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CHEERING
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Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of
Ten Cats Does Countdown,
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a show about letters,
numbers, and conundrums.
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This is like normal Countdown
except we don't have
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to play by the rules,
so I can do stuff like this.
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Did you struggle to hit
that at first?
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I was going to go in there.
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I love that you noticed that.
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It's just, you really hit the side
and I thought, aw.
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This is how you actually do it.
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Let's meet tonight's players.
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First up, its guest team captain,
Sarah Millican!
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CHEERING
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Thanks, hi!
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Sarah has spoken onstage about
her IBS, so she's unique
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amongst comedians in that she
doesn't just have funny bones,
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she's also got a funny tummy.
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And Sarah's team-mate, Tom Allen.
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CHEERING
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You might recognise Tom from
his previous work as host
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of Bake Off Professionals,
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or as the default profile
picture on Twitter.
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Up against them this evening, its
guest team captain joe Wilkinson!
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CHEERING
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Joe Wilkinson, who says dirty, hippy
blokes aren't sexy?
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Women. Women say that.
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And joining joe tonight,
it's Rosie Jones!
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CHEERING
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When Rosie's on television,
I don't see a disabled person,
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and that's because I don't watch
anything she's in.
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That's so harsh!
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Well, that must mean that you
don't watch TV then,
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cos I'm on everything.
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Sarah, what were you like
as a teenager?
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Very similar to this, really,
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just smaller boobs, bigger glasses.
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But it was the '80s,
so glasses were a lot bigger anyway.
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I once fell off me bike
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and we had to get Autoglass out
just to repair a chip.
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That's not true,
I couldn't ride a bike.
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Can you genuinely not ride a bike?
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No. I had an imaginary library,
Jimmy, ancl I had to keep that tidy.
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It wasn't imaginary, the books were
real, but nobody came.
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Tom. Yes?
Now, you're turning 40 soon.
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I know. I can't believe it either.
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How will you be celebrating?
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Well, you know what, jimmy,
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I've always seen myself
as an older man trapped inside
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a younger man. Not literally.
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But as I get into my 40s,
I might start getting younger.
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I'm hoping I might perhaps
take up Djing,
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maybe I'll graff
up a children's park.
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But knowing me, I'll probably end up
just setting up my own business,
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making scented candles.
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What is your signature scent?
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Sandalwood and sort of incense.
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Have you ever smelt
the inside of a tennis ball?
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SARAH: No, why would I have?
Why did you cut it open?
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Mwah.
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The cup you keep your toothbrush in,
worst smell in the world.
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What Cup?
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Ilwh pun?
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Yours is just on
a loose bit of string?
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I just take it off the first guy.
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That was always my favourite thing,
when, when I used to live
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in a shared house, I would always
come into the communal kitchen
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and go, "Has anyone seen
our toothbrush?"
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I'm the same, but with vibrators.
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The idea of you living in a shared
house is, quite frankly, ridiculous.
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Like a house full of robots?
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Rosie, it says here you're
a doctor now. Tell us more.
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I got it for, like,
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being famous
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and dribbling,
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and telling people that
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I am an actual doctor,
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and if they want me to,
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I will perform surgery on them
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as long as they pay me
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in lager and chips.
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Joe, do you find it easy
to make new friends?
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Yeah. I'm very good at starting
conversations with strangers.
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Or even if they're clearly
in a hurry.
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I'll give you an example.
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Like, someone's leaving their house,
I might go up to them
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and, as an ice breaker,
I'll say, "That's where you live."
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Or... Oh, yeah - if someone's
smoking I might ask for a light,
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but I don't smoke, personally,
so I'll either light a candle...
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...or I'll start a bin fire,
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and then we can chat about that
until they put it out.
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OK. Rosie, have you
got a mascot with you?
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Yes. Excellent.
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I've got a very busy
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and high-flying lifestyle,
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so, to keep awake and alert,
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I've tried all the drugs.
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All of them.
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No effect.
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Apart from speed
made me able-bodied.
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So I thought I can't have that,
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cos I wouldn't have a career.
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But I've nailed it,
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it's what keeps me alert
and sprightly -
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juice.
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Juice?
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Juice.
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I've got all the juice
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and it works.
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But one bit of juice, I'm hooked.
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So I've started an
underground business.
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What I do is I give out
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a little bit of free juice,
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and then you get hooked,
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and then you come back
to Daddy for more.
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I've got a special one for Torn.
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Oh, that doesn't look like
it would stain.
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Are you ready to get hooked?
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Oh, my God!
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How is it so bitter?
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Down it! Fucking Nora!
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I've never had something so bitter.
Ancl I'm, I mean, have you met me?
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CHEERING
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Juice!
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juice! OK. Tom, have you got a
mascot? What have you got?
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Jimmy, yes, I've actually been
getting very into gardening lately,
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I've started to really enjoy it.
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So I've brought down some of
my gardening equipment.
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I thought I'd put that on the desk.
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Ancl this as well,
because I'd like to be able
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to say I'm just sat here,
chilling with my HOES.
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Ancl - I thought that was very good -
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and what I've found is I
have to go out
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because I have a terrible problem
with slugs.
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Ancl what they do is,
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they attach themselves to my bush,
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and I have to go out late at night,
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padding around in the bushes
with a torch,
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like some sort of gay in the 1970s,
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except the only thing getting sucked
off is my hydrangeas.
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OK.
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Sarah, have you got a mascot?
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Every time I'm on this program me,
I'm not very good at it.
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I'm not.
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So I thought, maybe some kind
of confidence-boosting compliments
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might be a nice thing?
Oh, that's a good idea.
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So I bought this mirror that gives
you compliments.
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Now, it looks quite old-fashioned,
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but it's really quite modern,
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cos it gives you
a compliment when you look into it.
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Are you ready for...? Yeah, sure.
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See if I can perform a bit better on
this show. So, this is...
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VOICE OVER: Wow, Sarah, you look
really bonny ancl dead clever.
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It's quite good, isn't it?
Really bonny and dead clever.
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In, like, a really alluring,
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sexy, Geordie accent, as well,
I thought.
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Could I have a go? Would it work?
Yeah. I mean, yeah sure.
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Careful Tom, pass it carefully.
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Yeah, I won't look at it,
I won't look.
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COMPUTER VOICE: I'm sorry,
no face detected.
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Thanks.
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Joe, have you got a mascot?
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I've had a bit of a mare recently
cos I broke my mug tree.
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How did you break it?
Absolutely none of your business.
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So, yeah, I get a bit down if
I haven't got a decent mug tree,
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so I went, I tried to buy one,
but they don't sell them anywhere.
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Don't sell them any more.
It's mental.
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So then I had to make my own,
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so, the only way I could think
of doing it is I bought
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a load of male sex dolls
and I took the groins off.
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What, sorry?
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Think about it, jimmy,
how would you make a mug tree?
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I took the groins off four sex dolls
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and I nailed them to a fencing post.
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Right, OK, all right, OK.
Do you know what...?
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CHEERING
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TOM: Wow.
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I'll be honest with you,
I'm not that happy about it.
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I'll tell you why, cos you have to,
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you have to squeeze...
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"you have to squeeze the...
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To get it on, and, yeah, honestly,
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who's going to put their jubilee mug
on that? I don't want to.
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But they don't sell them any more,
don't sell them any more, so.
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I believe you can buy mug trees
on Amazon.
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Oh.
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What a waste of penises.
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OK, I'm going to get rid of
it then.
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Fabio, can you take away the...?
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Take away the cup...
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Don't pull it by its penis, please.
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That's really drawn your eye
there, Rachel.
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They follow you round the room,
don't they?
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joe Wilkinson everyone.
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CHEERING
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And over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Mr Swallow.
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CHEERING
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Mr Swallow, what have you been up
to since we last saw you?
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Urn, not much, to be honest.
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I did recently find out that
I'm, erm...
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Not Vegan, what's the other one?
Errn, psychic.
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And very, very, very,
very quick demo,
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a very quick demo, cos
I know we haven't got long,
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but, jimmy, just say the first -
I don't know - first country
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that comes to your head, after the
count of three. One, two, three.
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Brazil. Brazil.
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00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,695
I don't know how...
I don't know how. Honestly.
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Do you want to do it again?
We can do it again.
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00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,055
Any word, any word that comes
to mind, after the count of three.
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One, two, three.
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Banana. Banana.
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Don't know how. I don't know how.
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And with Mr Swallow, of course,
it's Susie Dent!
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CHEERING
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Over the years, Susie has introduced
us to words such as gandleflanker,
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scurryfunge and thunderplump.
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00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,815
What would we do without her?
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00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,095
You know what, I think we'd manage.
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00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,135
Susie, are there any words that
sound absolutely filthy,
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but they aren't? Um, yes.
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I told you about one of my
favourites, which is cummingtonite.
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It's a mineral which was founded
or discovered, in Cummington.
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But it is Cummingtonite.
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Get Joe's mascot back and
we might all be.
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00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,855
But there are lots of others
and I love them because
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the definitions are
just as euphemistic. Wankapin.
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What, sorry? A wankapin.
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Great definition again,
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a flowering plant in
the central American wetlands.
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Which is what I call my vagina.
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And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!
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00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,215
CHEERING
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00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,855
Anything embarrassing happen
to you lately, Rachel?
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00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,215
Well, on the way up, I got the train
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00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,735
and as I was sitting there,
the next stop,
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00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:36,935
a little old lady got on.
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00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,975
She put the case down and she finds
a place to sit next to me
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00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,495
and she got her tablet out,
she put her headphones in
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00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,535
and she pressed play on her
audiobook she'd been listening to.
249
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,535
And she didn't realise that she
hadn't actually plugged it in,
250
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,775
and it was just at the moment where
251
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,015
the girl got her hands grabbed
behind her back at the wrist,
252
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,455
and she was bent over something,
253
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,335
and she was listening
to old granny porn.
254
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,055
Ancl everyone on the train could
listen to it, because I had to
255
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,935
give her the end of her cable
and pass it to her.
256
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,015
Where did she get off?
257
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,495
I'm trying to work out
a pun train station,
258
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,095
but fuck it, let's move on.
SUSIE: Staines. Staines?
259
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,695
ALL GROAN
Stop it, Susie!
260
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:20,895
Susie! Horrible!
261
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,535
SARAH: That's amazing.
262
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,255
OK, the prize that teams will be
competing for tonight is this,
263
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,575
the Countdown jazz Band Kit.
264
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,455
CHEERING
265
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,815
FREE JAZZ BLAST
266
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,295
CHEERING
267
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,295
Never had a lesson.
268
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,095
OK, let's Countdown, everyone,
time for our first game.
269
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,015
Sarah, Tom, you get the first
pick of the letters.
270
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,095
Cor, here we go.
271
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,215
Consonant, please.
272
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,535
Thank you, Tom. Pleasure, treasure.
273
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:03,575
N
274
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,575
Ancl then a vowel, I think a vowel.
275
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,735
A
276
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,215
And then another consonant.
277
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,255
S
278
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,975
And then another consonant.
279
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,015
T
280
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,135
A vowel, please.
281
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,215
U
282
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,255
A consonant, please.
283
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,295
IV!
284
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,415
And then another consonant.
285
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:19,455
D
286
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,495
A vowel, please.
287
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:21,535
A
288
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,575
A consonant, please.
289
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:23,615
Ancl lastly...
290
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:24,655
R
291
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,375
OK, and your time starts now.
292
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,055
Ooh, look at this.
293
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,935
Lovely.
294
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,055
I made a little plasticine version
of me. Good, isn't it?
295
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,895
Nice. Yeah.
296
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,855
I've done one of everyone, cos
I had ages, I had, like, 30 seconds.
297
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,895
Yeah, yeah. So I've done me,
I've done Sarah.
298
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,255
Aw.
299
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,175
TOM: Oh, that's good!
300
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,775
It's quite nice, isn't it?
It's quite sassy.
301
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,935
Ooh, it's very lifelike.
302
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,015
I've done Rosie.
303
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,495
WhiCh I think you'll...
304
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,775
Oh!
305
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:25,895
Pretty good.
306
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,295
Isn't she sexy?
307
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,215
I've done Tom.
308
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,615
Not OK!
309
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,935
Look at that, there he is.
310
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,295
Ooh, I hope he doesn't
fall off that bit.
311
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,655
Be a disaster, wouldn't it, we'd
never get him back together again.
312
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,975
Well, unless somebody knows
the king's men.
313
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,775
And then I've donejoe as well.
314
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,575
I think it's quite lifelike,
I think you'll like this.
315
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:51,615
There you go.
316
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,535
You've done me from underneath.
317
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,535
I'm going to hand these out.
318
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,095
Pass that along, will you? Thanks.
319
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,535
Lovely. There you go, there's yours.
320
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,655
Aw, that's so...
321
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,215
It's got pubes in it, hold on.
322
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,735
SARAH: Oh, Jesus Christ!
323
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,135
It's got "some" pubes in it?
324
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,455
Apologies about the smell,
that's, erm...
325
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,095
Joe's one's actually made from shit.
326
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,615
Shall we kiss?
327
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:21,215
Mwwaah!
328
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,335
What's happening?
329
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:25,855
OK, Sarah, how many letters?
330
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,655
Seven. Seven? Excellent.
331
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,015
I know! I'm surprised as well.
332
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,255
Tom, how many? Seven.
333
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:32,295
Joe, how many?
334
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,135
Four, or a risky two.
335
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:41,095
Rosie? I think I got six.
336
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,335
What's your four? RUST.
337
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,455
Yes!
338
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,135
OK. Rosie, your six?
339
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,175
DRAMAS
340
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,495
DRAMAS. Tom, your seven.
341
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,015
Well, I feel like it's
a bit sexist, but DUSTMAN.
342
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,375
Can I have that?
You can, yeah, all one word.
343
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,095
I mean, anybody can be
a dust operative. Exactly.
344
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,695
Sarah, your seven?
345
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,015
MUSTARD. MUSTARD.
346
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,815
"A man's turd."
347
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:12,815
SARAH: Well clone!
348
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,935
Mr Swallow, Susie,
could they have done any better?
349
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,295
Yeah, seven's top. Well clone.
350
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,135
OK, so, Joe, Rosie, you're to pick
the numbers. Go on.
351
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:28,775
Oh, can we get one
of them really big ones?
352
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,495
100, please.
353
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,855
A really big one.
354
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:33,975
WHISPERING: Ask for a 10.
355
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,855
Can we get a 10?
356
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,255
A5.
AS?
357
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,935
Hang on, got one more shot,
one more shot.
358
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,655
One's good, a one's good.
359
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,655
CHEERING
360
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,695
That one! That one.
361
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:51,975
You've got a 10...
362
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,655
Yes! Yes! We're in here.
363
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,495
6, 5.
Yes.
364
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,255
5.
Great.
365
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,935
7.
Yes.
366
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,575
100.
Yes!
367
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,815
OK, here we go.
368
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,855
So, your target is 634.
369
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,175
Shit, this is doable, this is
doable. Your time starts...
370
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,455
"HOW.
371
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:08,775
This is doable.
372
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,375
Knickers!
373
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,295
So, the target was 634.
374
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,335
Joe? as;
375
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,975
633? You're one away, OK.
376
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,655
I think I got 635.
377
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,655
OK, did you get it...?
In my head. Sure.
378
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,335
Sarah, did you get it?
No, I'm one away.
379
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,855
Tom? 637.
380
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,295
So, Sarah, how did you get it?
381
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,615
6X100=6OO
382
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,375
7X5=35
383
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,815
635
384
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,055
10+5=2
385
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,535
633
386
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,535
I couldn't get any closer than
635 or 635.
387
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,855
Yeah, one away, well clone.
ROSIE: I did that!
388
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,215
APPLAUSE
389
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,015
Sorry? What now, Rosie?
390
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,335
I did that in my head.
391
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,615
Do you believe me?
392
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,615
Nope.
393
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:28,215
Well, I couldn't write quick enough
394
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,855
cos I've got cerebral palsy.
395
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,415
Well done, well done.
396
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,135
You're the only person who can shout
out "|'ve got cerebral palsy"
397
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,375
and everybody goes, ha-ha!
398
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,335
Joe, did you write it down?
You were one away, right?
399
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,615
100 plus 5 - that's 105, Rachel.
400
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,295
Yep. Thanks, Joe.
401
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,855
Times it by six. Good luck.
402
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,575
She's totally out of her depth.
403
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,175
It's around about 630.
404
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,655
+10
405
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,055
= 640.
406
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,055
-7
407
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,695
That is 633, Rachel.
408
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,175
Yep, it is. Correct.
409
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,535
APPLAUSE
Seven points for both teams.
410
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,255
Rachel, you had one job.
411
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:14,935
You could've said...
412
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,855
100-10=9O
413
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,415
x7=63O
414
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,375
+5+5-6
415
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,855
just noise.
416
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,775
APPLAUSE
417
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,135
And here is your teaser.
The words are SEMI TOUR,
418
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,895
the clue is, it's gone all soggy.
419
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,895
That's SEMI TOUR,
it's gone all soggy.
420
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,255
See you after the break.
421
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,015
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -
422
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,455
The words were SEMI TOUR,
the clue was, it's gone all soggy.
423
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,895
It was, of course, MOISTURE.
424
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,895
Of course it was. Oh.
425
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,695
So, Sarah and Tom are in the lead.
426
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,415
Time for another letters game.
427
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,175
Joe, Rosie, your turn to pick.
428
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,495
Consonant phase. Yeah.
Thanks, he.
429
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:08,295
VU"
430
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,095
A T would be good. Vowel. Yeah.
431
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,175
I
432
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,735
A consonant. I'm trying to spell a
word, otherwise I'm buggered. Yes!
433
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:14,815
N
434
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,255
A consonant. D, a D, a D...
435
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:17,615
R
436
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,255
Consonant, please.
437
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:20,295
S
438
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,735
Yes! A vowel, go on.
439
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:22,775
E
440
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,495
Yes!
441
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,815
Oh, an N.
LAUGHTER
442
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:27,935
C.
443
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,455
Vowel, a vowel. Vowel.
444
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:30,575
A
445
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,415
Consonant.
I've just written my name down.
446
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,415
L
447
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,935
TV doesn't pay what it used to,
so I've taken another job.
448
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,175
All right, your time starts...now.
449
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,975
Who ordered a pizza?
450
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,495
Did you order a pizza?
451
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,295
I've got pizza, pizzas.
452
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:29,055
Is this how you would work if you
worked for a delivery company?
453
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,575
Giving them away as well?
454
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,335
Ooh, one each. That's right.
455
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,615
JOE: jimmy, how are you making
that look weird?
456
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,815
TOM: That looks so uncomfortable.
457
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,615
SARAH: Look how low down he is!
458
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,775
Yeah, yeah.
459
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,255
Jimmy, it looks like
the saddle's gone inside you.
460
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,135
I've never felt better.
461
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,895
Oh, how many you got?
462
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,775
Pizzas? One each. Tom, how many?
463
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,735
I've got five. I feel pathetic.
Five. Rosie?
464
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,215
I think six.
465
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,135
JOE, UNDER HIS BREATH:
Two, three, four, five...
466
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,895
Joe, how many? Six, I think.
467
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,415
Sarah? Six.
468
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,295
Six? Yeah.
469
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:20,495
I'm quite pissed off.
470
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,575
Go on, how so?
471
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,575
Mine's weird.
472
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,535
I think yours has got
Nutella on it.
473
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:26,775
Why?!
474
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,655
Try it, it's delicious,
a chocolate-spread pizza.
475
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,175
Go on, try it.
476
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,535
Fucking hell, that's lovely.
477
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,335
ROSIE: Do you want mine?
478
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,615
Oh, go on, then.
479
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:39,815
TEASING: Ah, ah...!
480
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,375
Choo-choo!
481
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,255
Is this going to...?
482
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:48,815
Right, get ready for some sexiness.
483
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,055
Ah, ah...!
484
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,415
I don't know if it's you or
the cerebral palsy.
485
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,335
CHEERING
TOM: It looked sexy.
486
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,015
What's your five-letter word?
487
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,815
Mine's pathetic, LACES.
488
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,335
Sarah, your six? WINCES.
489
00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:17,695
WINCERS or WINCES?
490
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:18,975
WINCES. WINCES, yeah.
491
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,535
Oh, no. Oh, yeah!
492
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:25,455
Ah, shit.
493
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:28,455
Joe, your six?
494
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:29,935
SCALER
495
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,415
SCALER'S in for Six. SCALER'S in!
496
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,415
Yeah. Rosie, your six?
497
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:39,695
Well, I, annoyingly, also
have WINCES.
498
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,655
Did you write it down though,
or not?
499
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:49,175
But when we got the pizza,
500
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:53,535
I went for SLICER.
501
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:55,815
Oh, that's very good.
APPLAUSE
502
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,695
JOE: Wonderful, wonderful.
Slicer.
503
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,135
Didn't we get
we get the pizza after the...?
504
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,695
Sarah, shut the fuck up!
505
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,175
Go on, cry, cry. Wah!
506
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,535
OK, six points to both teams!
507
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,415
APPLAUSE
508
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,055
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, could they
have done any better?
509
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:26,095
Yes. Well, another seven,
quite a fun one, ARSENIC.
510
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:30,455
And then an eight.
I actually... Is that CARLINES?
511
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,495
Yes. They are thistle-like plants.
512
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,175
OK, at the end of that,
Joe and Rosie have 13 points,
513
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,815
Sarah and Tom have are
ahead with 20.
514
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,335
APPLAUSE
515
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,175
Now time for Sarah and Joe
to go head-to-head.
516
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:43,575
Sarah, your turn to pick
the numbers.
517
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,095
I'm going to say two big ones,
518
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:47,135
please, Rachel.
519
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,775
5, 2, 4...
JOE: Yeah, 25, 4, 15...
520
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,415
..25...
521
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,295
Yes! We're in with a chance guys.
..and 100.
522
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,535
And the target...
523
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,335
Easy, 236. Yes! Oh, well, let's see.
524
00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:59,255
Your time starts now.
525
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:00,335
This could happen.
526
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,095
Oh, God,
I'm destined to do crap at this.
527
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,855
Well, someone's had a panic attack.
528
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,415
Joe, talk us through your
mental crisis.
529
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,175
I thought it was going to be easy
and it wasn't.
530
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:39,495
Joe, say it's all in there,
in your head.
531
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,735
Yeah, I've done it, you're just
going to have to trust me.
532
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:47,335
But you think you've got it?
533
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:48,415
And, Sarah, have you got it?
534
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,895
I'm one away. Always one away.
535
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:53,255
Well, I'm one away as well.
No, no. No.
536
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:54,895
Then you do it, you tell us
how you did it, joe.
537
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,255
100+5
538
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:58,495
ROSIE: Yeah.
539
00:28:58,520 --> 00:28:59,855
|S 110.
540
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:01,295
No, it's not.
541
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,815
I mean, do you know what it is?
542
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,895
I think it's 105,joe. Correct.
543
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,375
x2
544
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:11,415
=210
545
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,455
And then, what's left?
546
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:16,575
25 and a 1, Joe.
547
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:17,975
Oh, + 20!
548
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:21,815
Errn, x25.
549
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,655
What? No!
550
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,255
No!
551
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,095
Then + 25. I'm one away, one away.
552
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:32,375
Oh,+1
553
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,215
CHEERING
554
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:40,495
Ten points tojoe.
555
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,855
So, can you just can you just fumble
your way through it after
556
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,335
the music's stopped?
Is that a thing, is it?
557
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:45,735
That's my whole sex life.
558
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:51,415
Are you doing musical chairs
but with your cock?
559
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,695
In a manner of speaking, yeah, sure.
560
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:55,215
So, Sarah and Tom have 20.
561
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:57,495
Joe and Rosie have 23.
562
00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:59,775
Yeah!
563
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,855
OK, time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
564
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:07,615
Mr Swallow,
what have you got for us?
565
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,055
Yes, thank you, jimmy.
566
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:12,015
So, since first appearing on
this show,
567
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,815
which I must say, by the way,
I am eternally grateful for,
568
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,535
but I still don't really know
what it is,
569
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,935
A lot of people have sort of got in
contact to ask about
570
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,815
some of the memory demonstrations
I've done on the shows in the past,
571
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,215
like memorising
a deck of playing cards,
572
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:28,535
memorising the Wagamama menu
and so on.
573
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,855
And the truth is,
574
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,215
a lot of these techniques are
very straightforward
575
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,055
to learn if you put,
you know, the time in.
576
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:37,415
I mean, technically,
even a young child should be able
577
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:38,855
to master some of
the basic techniques.
578
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,375
Especially if that young child has
spent the best part of their life
579
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,055
in with you, in lockdown.
580
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,175
So, without further ado,
I would like to introduce you
581
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:49,415
to my protege and professional
lookalike - ladies and gentlemen,
582
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,415
it's Master Swallow!
583
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,415
MUSIC: Theme from Jurassic Park
584
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,575
Aw, there we go, yeah.
585
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:08,255
No, don't be fooled,
He's actually in his early 70s.
586
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,255
So, are you all right?
587
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,735
Do you want another energy drink?
You all right?
588
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,615
Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Yeah,
you don't have to do the voice.
589
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:19,855
You're doing great.
590
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,215
Don't show me up.
591
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:22,975
Now, erm, so, look -
592
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,055
what we've got here are some
animal flash cards.
593
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:29,775
There are loads here, I think
there's about 60 - 50, 60 of these.
594
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,735
And can you be...?
I going to mix them a bit more now,
595
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,095
but can you be honest, Susie?
You've examined these,
596
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,055
you've been mixing these yourself
as well. I have.
597
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,455
Cos I don't... Its very, very
important for everyone to realise,
598
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,415
especially people in
the audience and people at home,
599
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:45,775
that this is, if it works,
is real. If it works, OK?
600
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:47,735
If it don't work, then its fake.
601
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:51,255
So, Master Swallow,
are you listening? Hello?
602
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,575
I'm going to read out whatever
random order these animals are in,
603
00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,615
OK, and whatever order they're in,
604
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,895
Master Swallow, after I've done it,
is going to try and attempt
605
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:04,175
to recall them, but in reverse
order, OK? So, here we go.
606
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:05,415
Are you listening?
607
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,535
Yeah? Yeah, OK.
Here we go, you're doing great.
608
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,655
OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish,
609
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:13,175
mantis shrimp, wolf,
610
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,655
rhino, ground sqwiwwel... Squirrel.
611
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:17,575
Crested gecko, scorpion, sailfish,
612
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:19,855
cheetah, peregrine falcon, tiger,
613
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:21,535
honey bee, jareff... jareff?
614
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,495
Giraffe.
615
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,815
Saiga antelope -
don't know what that is -
616
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:27,775
okapi, echidna, great grey owl,
617
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:30,255
kiwi, eagle, wombat,
618
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,215
earthworm, aardvark, firefly, lemur,
619
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,055
peacock, pufferfish, squid,
620
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:37,455
skunk, snow leopard -
some of these are upside down -
621
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:38,975
stick insect, zebra,
622
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,255
egg-eating snake, giant panda.
623
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,895
Listening? Going in? Yeah.
624
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:44,735
Blue whale, sea turtle, crab,
625
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,135
armadillo, beaver,
626
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,655
great white shark, hippo, mandril,
627
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,295
flamingo, chameleon, penguin,
628
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:51,975
meerkat, sea otter, lion,
629
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,655
tree frog, howler monkey,
630
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:54,895
elephant, sloth,
631
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:56,015
jaguar, orang-utan, dolphin,
632
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,295
puffin, walrus, albatross, koala.
633
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,215
Now, in reverse order,
Master Swallow,
634
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,495
what was the last line I said?
635
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,215
Koala. Yeah, OK.
636
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:09,615
I mean, that's the easiest one,
so don't... You know, don't.
637
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,655
And then what did I say before that?
638
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:13,415
Albatross. Yeah, and then what?
639
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:14,815
Walrus. Yeah, and then what?
640
00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:16,095
Puffin. Yes, and then what?
641
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,055
Dolphin. Yes.
Orang-utan. Orang-utan, yeah.
642
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,095
jaguar. Yes. Sloth. Yes.
643
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,055
Elephant. Yes.
Howler monkey. Yes.
644
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,335
Tree frog. Yes. Lion. Yes.
645
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:25,975
Sea otter. Correct.
646
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,455
Meerkat. Yes. Penguin. Yes.
647
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,255
Chameleon. Yes.
648
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:31,775
Flamingo. Very good.
649
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,135
Mandrill. Yes. Hippo. Yes.
650
00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:36,615
Great white shark. Yes.
651
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:38,375
Beaver. Yeah.
652
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:40,855
Armadillo. Yes. Crab. Yes.
653
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:43,135
Sea turtle. Yes. Blue whale. Yes.
654
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,215
Giant panda. Yes.
655
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:45,895
Egg-eating snake. Yes.
656
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:48,175
Zebra. Yes. Stick insect. Correct.
657
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:49,815
Snow leopard. Yeah.
658
00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,335
just stop a sec -
do the next three in a row
659
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,655
so people don't think you can see.
What are the next three?
660
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:55,535
Skunk, squid, pufferfish.
661
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,335
Skunk, squid, pufferfish - yeah.
662
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:03,015
Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark,
earthworm. Yes.
663
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,735
Wombat. Yes.
664
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:08,575
Eagle, kiwi, great grey owl.
Correct.
665
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:09,655
Echidna. Yes.
666
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:13,255
Okapi, saiga antelope,
giraffe, honeybee. Yes.
667
00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:16,015
Tiger. Yes. Peregrine falcon. Yes.
668
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,015
Cheetah. Yes.
669
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,295
Sailfish. Pardon?
670
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:21,735
Sailfish. Correct.
671
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,055
Scot. ..
LAUGHTER
672
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:25,055
Do it again, love.
673
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,095
Scorpion. Yes.
674
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,055
Crested gecko. Yes.
675
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,415
Ground squirrel. Yes.
676
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:31,735
Rhino. Yes.
677
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,255
Wolf. Very good.
678
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,575
Mantis shrimp. Yes.
679
00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:37,815
jellyfish. Yes.
680
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:39,055
Crocodile. Yes.
681
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:40,735
Camel. The first one.
682
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,535
CHEERING
683
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,255
Wow. Wow!
684
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,575
Mr Swallow, can I ask,
how old is that child?
685
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:03,095
That child, I believe is...
686
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,775
Ah, he can't remember, can he?
687
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,135
...six years and three quarters or
something like...?
688
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,695
Are you six and three quarters?
Six and a half.
689
00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:14,455
Oh, six and a half is not as
impressive, I thought he was six.
690
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:16,175
That's incredible.
691
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:18,495
BREAKING CHARACTER: This is my
real son, Finn.
692
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:19,975
AUDIENCE: AW!
693
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,215
You did brilliant, love.
694
00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:25,295
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
695
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,535
Who thought it wasn't his real son?
696
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:33,135
Who's out there going,
"Wow, those two get along"?
697
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:35,015
"They must just be mates."
698
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,535
Mr Swallow, everyone. And Master
Swallow. And Master Swallow!
699
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,295
CHEERING
700
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:41,615
MUSIC: Them from Jurassic Park
701
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:51,215
I'm not as proud of my achievements
tonight as I should be.
702
00:35:51,240 --> 00:35:52,975
We came up with a seven-letter word.
703
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,575
I don't want to be... I don't want
to big shot this or whatever,
704
00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:59,175
but my kid can burp on command.
705
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,895
I like the fact that, by comparison,
706
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,135
Rachel now looks like
a bloody idiot.
707
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:08,615
OK, and here is your teaser.
708
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,735
The words are ARSE NUTS,
the clue is, slowly does it.
709
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,015
That's ARSE NUTS, slowly does it.
710
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:15,175
See you after the break.
711
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:32,455
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,
712
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,975
the words were ARSE NUTS,
the clue was, slowly does it.
713
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:36,615
It was, of course, SAUNTERS.
714
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,935
Oh!
OK, time for another letters game.
715
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:40,535
Rosie and Tom are going head-to-head
716
00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:41,695
and we're going to up the stakes.
717
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:44,655
We're playing for
double points in...
718
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:45,935
...the lightning round.
719
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,575
THUNDERCLAP
720
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,735
Rosie, Tom - you've both been fitted
with electric shock machines.
721
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:55,775
At any stage, you may be shocked.
722
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,535
Oh, no. We'll just test these.
723
00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:00,135
It's just always where
I'm going to piss myself.
724
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:03,415
OK, Tom, you ready? Yeah.
Brace yourself. OK. Yeah? Yeah.
725
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,815
Aarghg
726
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:07,775
I'm sorry about that, that was...
727
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,135
We fitted you with one by mistake.
Yeah.
728
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:13,415
This round is just for
Rosie and Tom.
729
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,415
Aarghg
730
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:19,255
Oh, I enjoyed that.
731
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:21,495
Aarghg
732
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,015
Aarghg
733
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:27,615
Oh, it tickles!
734
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:29,415
It tickles my nipples.
735
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,895
I'm going to test these one more
time then we're playing,
736
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,455
OK, so, Tom's works. Aargh!
Tom's works.
737
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,735
Whoa! Ooooh!
738
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,015
Wow.
739
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,295
Aarghg
740
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,015
Do you not do it to me
because of my IBS?
741
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,375
Yes, it is a...
That's what I thought.
742
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,775
It's just, after last time,
with the whole clean-up operation.
743
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,615
Right, there's double points up
for grabs in this round.
744
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:57,215
So, Tom, go ahead, pick the letters.
745
00:37:57,240 --> 00:37:59,015
Consonant, please.
746
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,535
G
747
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,015
A vowOOWWWW! Please.
748
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:08,935
A consonant, PLEASE!
749
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:10,415
N
750
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:12,695
A vowel, please. Ugh!
751
00:38:12,720 --> 00:38:13,615
Jimmy!
752
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:14,855
O
753
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:15,975
Uh...
754
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,935
JOE: Say it quickly.
Con... Consonantplease!
755
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,335
/
756
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:22,815
Go, nob.
ROSIE: Oh!
757
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:26,855
A vowel, please.
758
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:27,895
A
759
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:28,935
A consonant, please.
760
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:29,975
P
761
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,935
I'm so tense!
762
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:33,655
Another consonant, please.
763
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:34,855
T
764
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:36,215
Aarghg
765
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,215
Well played, jimmy-
766
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:48,495
And a vowel, please.
767
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:50,055
And...
768
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:51,495
...another O.
769
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,855
For double points on
the Countdown lightning round...
770
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,535
THUNDERCLAP
771
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:58,255
...your time starts...
772
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:00,015
Aargh! ..now.
773
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,975
Aarghg
774
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,335
SHE SQUEALS
775
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:13,975
Aarghg
776
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:17,415
Shit!
777
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:23,015
Oh, oh, oh!
778
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,535
N000!
779
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:32,095
No! No...
780
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,335
CHEERING
781
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,295
ROSIE: Oh, fuck me.
782
00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:46,175
Can you smell burning?
I can smell burning and I like it.
783
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:47,935
That's my underwear.
784
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,495
I don't know where I am.
785
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,575
I can't believe you jumped
out of your seat, Rosie.
786
00:39:57,600 --> 00:39:59,055
Oh!
787
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:01,295
But it gets you up.
788
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,535
BOTH SQUEAL
789
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:07,615
Oh, fuck me.
790
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:09,135
OK, that's enough.
I'm putting these away.
791
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,575
That is it for shocking now.
No more shocking.
792
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,135
Aargh! One more for Tom, though.
793
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,215
That's it.
794
00:40:14,240 --> 00:40:15,935
So, how many did you get, Tom?
795
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:17,535
I got five, TANGO.
796
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:19,375
Rosie, how many?
797
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:22,935
Five, but I didn't write it down.
798
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,335
But it's different, BONGO.
799
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,815
Double points, cos that was
the Lightning Round.
800
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:32,015
Ten points to both teams.
801
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:33,775
APPLAUSE
802
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:39,015
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent,
could they have done better?
803
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:44,495
Errn, GABOON, which is a type
of hardwood tree, I believe.
804
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:45,815
So, at the end of that,
805
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:48,295
Joe and Rosie are in the lead
with 33 points.
806
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,255
APPLAUSE
807
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,335
OK, time to go across
Dictionary Corner once again.
808
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:56,415
Mr Swallow,
what have you got for us?
809
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:59,415
So, jimmy, I thought that I would
show you a little a card trick,
810
00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:01,215
some little close-up magic.
811
00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:03,935
So I'm just going to come up there,
if that's OK.
812
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:08,335
And it's a very...
it's a very straightforward trick.
813
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:10,975
So, basically,
it is the three-card trick.
814
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,855
So, it just uses one, two and three
cards, as you might imagine.
815
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:16,615
We're going to use jokers,
basically,
816
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:18,975
we're going to use the two jokers
and we're going to use an ace.
817
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:20,855
Now, you might have seen this
game before,
818
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,735
like chase the ace or three shells
and a pea underneath,
819
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,095
and you have to move them around
and try and find where it is.
820
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,895
So, the ace, we're going to
pop it on top and then immediately
821
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,175
pop it on the bottom. So...
822
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:33,215
Erm... Sorry, erm...
823
00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:35,175
Joker's on the bottom. No.
824
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,455
So, erm...
825
00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:37,775
What the magician...
826
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,095
What the magician would say is, OK,
827
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:41,975
j0ker's on the bottom,
where is the ace?
828
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,015
Now it's logical to think,
OK, joker on the bottom,
829
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:48,335
either the top or the middle is
going to be the ace.
830
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:50,295
So, you have a look on top,
the top's a joker, so, fine,
831
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:52,615
you know that it's in, erm...
That's a joker.
832
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:55,215
Erm...hang on a sec.
833
00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:57,575
Yeah, sorry, Ace is on the bottom.
Ace is on the bottom.
834
00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:58,735
Christ!
835
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:02,615
So, the magician...
836
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:03,775
God.
837
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:06,815
...erm, then says, instead of find
the ace, find the joker,
838
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,815
cos you've got more chance, right?
You've got twice as many odds.
839
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:12,495
So, now, again, logical,
really easy to think, well,
840
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:15,135
ace is on the bottom, so both the
top and the middle are going to be
841
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:18,055
erm, the joker. Now, the top one,
you can see, is...also an ace,
842
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:20,655
and the middle one's...
Hang on a sec. Erm...
843
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:22,415
One, two, three. Sorry,
844
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:24,735
OK. So... Right, there he is.
845
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:27,055
There's a joker
and there's an ace,
846
00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:28,415
so... No, that's a ten. Erm...
847
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:32,735
It ain't worked, sorry.
848
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,335
APPLAUSE
849
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,135
Mr Swallow, everyone.
850
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:41,615
And here is your final teaser.
851
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,975
The words are SHIT RUMP,
the clue is, give me a medal.
852
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:46,735
That's SHIT RUMP, give me a medal.
853
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:47,935
See you after the break.
854
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:04,975
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -
855
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,295
the words were SHIT RUMP,
the clue was, give me a medal.
856
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:08,775
It was, of course, TRIUMPHS.
857
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:10,775
OK, time for our final letters game.
858
00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:13,055
Joe, Rosie, your turn to choose.
859
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:16,815
Shall we get a vowely one? Yeah.
860
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:18,335
A
861
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:19,975
Consonant.
862
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:21,175
G
863
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:23,055
Consonant!
864
00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:24,255
N!
865
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:26,615
CONSONANT! Louder!
866
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:27,655
C!
867
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:29,255
VOWEL!
868
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:30,335
Louder!
869
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:31,455
O
870
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:32,575
Vowwwweeeeeel!
871
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:33,775
E
872
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,655
I said, louder! CONSONANT!
873
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:38,175
L!
874
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:40,775
You're not trying hard enough.
875
00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:42,215
Consonant.
876
00:43:42,240 --> 00:43:43,455
R
877
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,015
Yeah, well done. Consonant.
878
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:46,575
S
879
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,855
OK, and your 30 seconds
starts...now.
880
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:54,455
This is perfect. I appreciate it.
881
00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:56,375
We'll just do these.
882
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:57,895
Lovely, romantic dinner for two.
883
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:01,495
Lovely. OK.
884
00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:16,055
It's a bit dirty.
885
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,335
CHEERING
886
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,695
I think it looks better without
the tablecloth.
887
00:44:28,720 --> 00:44:30,535
just check the glasses.
888
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:33,175
It's going to be a nice dinner,
Fabio.
889
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:34,775
We never take time.
890
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:40,735
APPLAUSE
891
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:47,935
That's why we can't have
nice things.
892
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,335
Joe, how many?
893
00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:51,055
Eight. No, you fucking haven't.
894
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:52,455
I have, yeah.
895
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:54,735
Rosie? Seven.
896
00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:56,735
Tom, how many? Six.
897
00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:57,975
Sarah? Six. Yeah, OK.
898
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,255
Tom, what's your six? RANGES.
899
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,975
Sarah, your six? GLEANS.
900
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,615
Rosie, your made-up seven?
901
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:07,935
It is made-up.
902
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,695
LONGERS
903
00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:15,495
SUSIE: There is just LONGER,
obviously, but not there as a noun.
904
00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:17,175
Joe. your eight,
905
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,495
you could save the day here with
an eight, if you have one.
906
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:21,055
GLANCERS. Oh!
907
00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:23,535
We all want this for you. We do.
908
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:25,215
It's not in! Gah!
909
00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:27,535
TOM: Yeah!
SARAH: Yes!
910
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:28,935
Six points to Sarah and Tom.
911
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:30,295
APPLAUSE
912
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:31,295
Yay! Brilliant!
913
00:45:32,680 --> 00:45:33,935
The audience didn't like that.
914
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:35,895
Mr Swallow, Susie,
could they have done any better?
915
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:37,215
Yeah, well, exactly.
916
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:40,415
GLANCERS, if you swap around the G
and the C, is CLANGERS.
917
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:42,335
OK, sojoe and Rosie
918
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:44,735
have 33 points. Back in the lead,
919
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:46,455
Sarah and Tom, with 36 points.
920
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:48,295
APPLAUSE
921
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:52,255
OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time
922
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:53,815
for today's
Crucial Countdown Conundrum.
923
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:55,815
Your time starts...now.
924
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,015
Mix-the-letters-up time.
925
00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:04,535
Nah, I never see it.
926
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:06,255
I'm going to write it out like that.
927
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,255
BELL
928
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,015
Yes? GOSSIPING.
929
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:15,575
Oh, my God.
930
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,895
CHEERING
931
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:32,975
It does beg the question,
932
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:36,655
who are you and what have you done
with Joe Wilkinson?
933
00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:38,455
Congratulations. joe and Rosie,
934
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,775
you are now the proud owner of
this - the Countdown jazz Band Kit!
935
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:44,415
CHEERING
936
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:46,775
Thanks to all of our panel lists,
our wonderful studio audience
937
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:49,735
and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
938
00:46:49,760 --> 00:46:51,975
CHEERING
939
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:21,375
Subtitles by
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