This program me contains strong language and adult humour
Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown -
Sarah Millican,
Joe Wilkinson,
Tom Allen,
Rosie Jones,
Mr Swallow,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host, jimmy Carr!
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers, and conundrums.
This is like normal Countdown except we don't have
to play by the rules, so I can do stuff like this.
Did you struggle to hit that at first?
I was going to go in there.
I love that you noticed that.
It's just, you really hit the side and I thought, aw.
This is how you actually do it.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, its guest team captain, Sarah Millican!
CHEERING
Thanks, hi!
Sarah has spoken onstage about her IBS, so she's unique
amongst comedians in that she doesn't just have funny bones,
she's also got a funny tummy.
And Sarah's team-mate, Tom Allen.
CHEERING
You might recognise Tom from his previous work as host
of Bake Off Professionals,
or as the default profile picture on Twitter.
Up against them this evening, its guest team captain joe Wilkinson!
CHEERING
Joe Wilkinson, who says dirty, hippy blokes aren't sexy?
Women. Women say that.
And joining joe tonight, it's Rosie Jones!
CHEERING
When Rosie's on television, I don't see a disabled person,
and that's because I don't watch anything she's in.
That's so harsh!
Well, that must mean that you don't watch TV then,
cos I'm on everything.
Sarah, what were you like as a teenager?
Very similar to this, really,
just smaller boobs, bigger glasses.
But it was the '80s, so glasses were a lot bigger anyway.
I once fell off me bike
and we had to get Autoglass out just to repair a chip.
That's not true, I couldn't ride a bike.
Can you genuinely not ride a bike?
No. I had an imaginary library, Jimmy, ancl I had to keep that tidy.
It wasn't imaginary, the books were real, but nobody came.
Tom. Yes? Now, you're turning 40 soon.
I know. I can't believe it either.
How will you be celebrating?
Well, you know what, jimmy,
I've always seen myself as an older man trapped inside
a younger man. Not literally.
But as I get into my 40s, I might start getting younger.
I'm hoping I might perhaps take up Djing,
maybe I'll graff up a children's park.
But knowing me, I'll probably end up just setting up my own business,
making scented candles.
What is your signature scent?
Sandalwood and sort of incense.
Have you ever smelt the inside of a tennis ball?
SARAH: No, why would I have? Why did you cut it open?
Mwah.
The cup you keep your toothbrush in, worst smell in the world.
What Cup?
Ilwh pun?
Yours is just on a loose bit of string?
I just take it off the first guy.
That was always my favourite thing, when, when I used to live
in a shared house, I would always come into the communal kitchen
and go, "Has anyone seen our toothbrush?"
I'm the same, but with vibrators.
The idea of you living in a shared house is, quite frankly, ridiculous.
Like a house full of robots?
Rosie, it says here you're a doctor now. Tell us more.
I got it for, like,
being famous
and dribbling,
and telling people that
I am an actual doctor,
and if they want me to,
I will perform surgery on them
as long as they pay me
in lager and chips.
Joe, do you find it easy to make new friends?
Yeah. I'm very good at starting conversations with strangers.
Or even if they're clearly in a hurry.
I'll give you an example.
Like, someone's leaving their house, I might go up to them
and, as an ice breaker, I'll say, "That's where you live."
Or... Oh, yeah - if someone's smoking I might ask for a light,
but I don't smoke, personally, so I'll either light a candle...
...or I'll start a bin fire,
and then we can chat about that until they put it out.
OK. Rosie, have you got a mascot with you?
Yes. Excellent.
I've got a very busy
and high-flying lifestyle,
so, to keep awake and alert,
I've tried all the drugs.
All of them.
No effect.
Apart from speed made me able-bodied.
So I thought I can't have that,
cos I wouldn't have a career.
But I've nailed it,
it's what keeps me alert and sprightly -
juice.
Juice?
Juice.
I've got all the juice
and it works.
But one bit of juice, I'm hooked.
So I've started an underground business.
What I do is I give out
a little bit of free juice,
and then you get hooked,
and then you come back to Daddy for more.
I've got a special one for Torn.
Oh, that doesn't look like it would stain.
Are you ready to get hooked?
Oh, my God!
How is it so bitter?
Down it! Fucking Nora!
I've never had something so bitter. Ancl I'm, I mean, have you met me?
CHEERING
Juice!
juice! OK. Tom, have you got a mascot? What have you got?
Jimmy, yes, I've actually been getting very into gardening lately,
I've started to really enjoy it.
So I've brought down some of my gardening equipment.
I thought I'd put that on the desk.
Ancl this as well, because I'd like to be able
to say I'm just sat here, chilling with my HOES.
Ancl - I thought that was very good -
and what I've found is I have to go out
because I have a terrible problem with slugs.
Ancl what they do is,
they attach themselves to my bush,
and I have to go out late at night,
padding around in the bushes with a torch,
like some sort of gay in the 1970s,
except the only thing getting sucked off is my hydrangeas.
OK.
Sarah, have you got a mascot?
Every time I'm on this program me, I'm not very good at it.
I'm not.
So I thought, maybe some kind of confidence-boosting compliments
might be a nice thing? Oh, that's a good idea.
So I bought this mirror that gives you compliments.
Now, it looks quite old-fashioned,
but it's really quite modern,
cos it gives you a compliment when you look into it.
Are you ready for...? Yeah, sure.
See if I can perform a bit better on this show. So, this is...
VOICE OVER: Wow, Sarah, you look really bonny ancl dead clever.
It's quite good, isn't it? Really bonny and dead clever.
In, like, a really alluring,
sexy, Geordie accent, as well, I thought.
Could I have a go? Would it work? Yeah. I mean, yeah sure.
Careful Tom, pass it carefully.
Yeah, I won't look at it, I won't look.
COMPUTER VOICE: I'm sorry, no face detected.
Thanks.
Joe, have you got a mascot?
I've had a bit of a mare recently cos I broke my mug tree.
How did you break it? Absolutely none of your business.
So, yeah, I get a bit down if I haven't got a decent mug tree,
so I went, I tried to buy one, but they don't sell them anywhere.
Don't sell them any more. It's mental.
So then I had to make my own,
so, the only way I could think of doing it is I bought
a load of male sex dolls and I took the groins off.
What, sorry?
Think about it, jimmy, how would you make a mug tree?
I took the groins off four sex dolls
and I nailed them to a fencing post.
Right, OK, all right, OK. Do you know what...?
CHEERING
TOM: Wow.
I'll be honest with you, I'm not that happy about it.
I'll tell you why, cos you have to,
you have to squeeze...
"you have to squeeze the...
To get it on, and, yeah, honestly,
who's going to put their jubilee mug on that? I don't want to.
But they don't sell them any more, don't sell them any more, so.
I believe you can buy mug trees on Amazon.
Oh.
What a waste of penises.
OK, I'm going to get rid of it then.
Fabio, can you take away the...?
Take away the cup...
Don't pull it by its penis, please.
That's really drawn your eye there, Rachel.
They follow you round the room, don't they?
joe Wilkinson everyone.
CHEERING
And over in Dictionary Corner, it's Mr Swallow.
CHEERING
Mr Swallow, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
Urn, not much, to be honest.
I did recently find out that I'm, erm...
Not Vegan, what's the other one? Errn, psychic.
And very, very, very, very quick demo,
a very quick demo, cos I know we haven't got long,
but, jimmy, just say the first - I don't know - first country
that comes to your head, after the count of three. One, two, three.
Brazil. Brazil.
I don't know how... I don't know how. Honestly.
Do you want to do it again? We can do it again.
Any word, any word that comes to mind, after the count of three.
One, two, three.
Banana. Banana.
Don't know how. I don't know how.
And with Mr Swallow, of course, it's Susie Dent!
CHEERING
Over the years, Susie has introduced us to words such as gandleflanker,
scurryfunge and thunderplump.
What would we do without her?
You know what, I think we'd manage.
Susie, are there any words that sound absolutely filthy,
but they aren't? Um, yes.
I told you about one of my favourites, which is cummingtonite.
It's a mineral which was founded or discovered, in Cummington.
But it is Cummingtonite.
Get Joe's mascot back and we might all be.
But there are lots of others and I love them because
the definitions are just as euphemistic. Wankapin.
What, sorry? A wankapin.
Great definition again,
a flowering plant in the central American wetlands.
Which is what I call my vagina.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
CHEERING
Anything embarrassing happen to you lately, Rachel?
Well, on the way up, I got the train
and as I was sitting there, the next stop,
a little old lady got on.
She put the case down and she finds a place to sit next to me
and she got her tablet out, she put her headphones in
and she pressed play on her audiobook she'd been listening to.
And she didn't realise that she hadn't actually plugged it in,
and it was just at the moment where
the girl got her hands grabbed behind her back at the wrist,
and she was bent over something,
and she was listening to old granny porn.
Ancl everyone on the train could listen to it, because I had to
give her the end of her cable and pass it to her.
Where did she get off?
I'm trying to work out a pun train station,
but fuck it, let's move on. SUSIE: Staines. Staines?
ALL GROAN Stop it, Susie!
Susie! Horrible!
SARAH: That's amazing.
OK, the prize that teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown jazz Band Kit.
CHEERING
FREE JAZZ BLAST
CHEERING
Never had a lesson.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone, time for our first game.
Sarah, Tom, you get the first pick of the letters.
Cor, here we go.
Consonant, please.
Thank you, Tom. Pleasure, treasure.
N
Ancl then a vowel, I think a vowel.
A
And then another consonant.
S
And then another consonant.
T
A vowel, please.
U
A consonant, please.
IV!
And then another consonant.
D
A vowel, please.
A
A consonant, please.
Ancl lastly...
R
OK, and your time starts now.
Ooh, look at this.
Lovely.
I made a little plasticine version of me. Good, isn't it?
Nice. Yeah.
I've done one of everyone, cos I had ages, I had, like, 30 seconds.
Yeah, yeah. So I've done me, I've done Sarah.
Aw.
TOM: Oh, that's good!
It's quite nice, isn't it? It's quite sassy.
Ooh, it's very lifelike.
I've done Rosie.
WhiCh I think you'll...
Oh!
Pretty good.
Isn't she sexy?
I've done Tom.
Not OK!
Look at that, there he is.
Ooh, I hope he doesn't fall off that bit.
Be a disaster, wouldn't it, we'd never get him back together again.
Well, unless somebody knows the king's men.
And then I've donejoe as well.
I think it's quite lifelike, I think you'll like this.
There you go.
You've done me from underneath.
I'm going to hand these out.
Pass that along, will you? Thanks.
Lovely. There you go, there's yours.
Aw, that's so...
It's got pubes in it, hold on.
SARAH: Oh, Jesus Christ!
It's got "some" pubes in it?
Apologies about the smell, that's, erm...
Joe's one's actually made from shit.
Shall we kiss?
Mwwaah!
What's happening?
OK, Sarah, how many letters?
Seven. Seven? Excellent.
I know! I'm surprised as well.
Tom, how many? Seven.
Joe, how many?
Four, or a risky two.
Rosie? I think I got six.
What's your four? RUST.
Yes!
OK. Rosie, your six?
DRAMAS
DRAMAS. Tom, your seven.
Well, I feel like it's a bit sexist, but DUSTMAN.
Can I have that? You can, yeah, all one word.
I mean, anybody can be a dust operative. Exactly.
Sarah, your seven?
MUSTARD. MUSTARD.
"A man's turd."
SARAH: Well clone!
Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better?
Yeah, seven's top. Well clone.
OK, so, Joe, Rosie, you're to pick the numbers. Go on.
Oh, can we get one of them really big ones?
100, please.
A really big one.
WHISPERING: Ask for a 10.
Can we get a 10?
A5. AS?
Hang on, got one more shot, one more shot.
One's good, a one's good.
CHEERING
That one! That one.
You've got a 10...
Yes! Yes! We're in here.
6, 5. Yes.
5. Great.
7. Yes.
100. Yes!
OK, here we go.
So, your target is 634.
Shit, this is doable, this is doable. Your time starts...
"HOW.
This is doable.
Knickers!
So, the target was 634.
Joe? as;
633? You're one away, OK.
I think I got 635.
OK, did you get it...? In my head. Sure.
Sarah, did you get it? No, I'm one away.
Tom? 637.
So, Sarah, how did you get it?
6X100=6OO
7X5=35
635
10+5=2
633
I couldn't get any closer than 635 or 635.
Yeah, one away, well clone. ROSIE: I did that!
APPLAUSE
Sorry? What now, Rosie?
I did that in my head.
Do you believe me?
Nope.
Well, I couldn't write quick enough
cos I've got cerebral palsy.
Well done, well done.
You're the only person who can shout out "|'ve got cerebral palsy"
and everybody goes, ha-ha!
Joe, did you write it down? You were one away, right?
100 plus 5 - that's 105, Rachel.
Yep. Thanks, Joe.
Times it by six. Good luck.
She's totally out of her depth.
It's around about 630.
+10
= 640.
-7
That is 633, Rachel.
Yep, it is. Correct.
APPLAUSE Seven points for both teams.
Rachel, you had one job.
You could've said...
100-10=9O
x7=63O
+5+5-6
just noise.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser. The words are SEMI TOUR,
the clue is, it's gone all soggy.
That's SEMI TOUR, it's gone all soggy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser -
The words were SEMI TOUR, the clue was, it's gone all soggy.
It was, of course, MOISTURE.
Of course it was. Oh.
So, Sarah and Tom are in the lead.
Time for another letters game.
Joe, Rosie, your turn to pick.
Consonant phase. Yeah. Thanks, he.
VU"
A T would be good. Vowel. Yeah.
I
A consonant. I'm trying to spell a word, otherwise I'm buggered. Yes!
N
A consonant. D, a D, a D...
R
Consonant, please.
S
Yes! A vowel, go on.
E
Yes!
Oh, an N. LAUGHTER
C.
Vowel, a vowel. Vowel.
A
Consonant. I've just written my name down.
L
TV doesn't pay what it used to, so I've taken another job.
All right, your time starts...now.
Who ordered a pizza?
Did you order a pizza?
I've got pizza, pizzas.
Is this how you would work if you worked for a delivery company?
Giving them away as well?
Ooh, one each. That's right.
JOE: jimmy, how are you making that look weird?
TOM: That looks so uncomfortable.
SARAH: Look how low down he is!
Yeah, yeah.
Jimmy, it looks like the saddle's gone inside you.
I've never felt better.
Oh, how many you got?
Pizzas? One each. Tom, how many?
I've got five. I feel pathetic. Five. Rosie?
I think six.
JOE, UNDER HIS BREATH: Two, three, four, five...
Joe, how many? Six, I think.
Sarah? Six.
Six? Yeah.
I'm quite pissed off.
Go on, how so?
Mine's weird.
I think yours has got Nutella on it.
Why?!
Try it, it's delicious, a chocolate-spread pizza.
Go on, try it.
Fucking hell, that's lovely.
ROSIE: Do you want mine?
Oh, go on, then.
TEASING: Ah, ah...!
Choo-choo!
Is this going to...?
Right, get ready for some sexiness.
Ah, ah...!
I don't know if it's you or the cerebral palsy.
CHEERING TOM: It looked sexy.
What's your five-letter word?
Mine's pathetic, LACES.
Sarah, your six? WINCES.
WINCERS or WINCES?
WINCES. WINCES, yeah.
Oh, no. Oh, yeah!
Ah, shit.
Joe, your six?
SCALER
SCALER'S in for Six. SCALER'S in!
Yeah. Rosie, your six?
Well, I, annoyingly, also have WINCES.
Did you write it down though, or not?
But when we got the pizza,
I went for SLICER.
Oh, that's very good. APPLAUSE
JOE: Wonderful, wonderful. Slicer.
Didn't we get we get the pizza after the...?
Sarah, shut the fuck up!
Go on, cry, cry. Wah!
OK, six points to both teams!
APPLAUSE
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, could they have done any better?
Yes. Well, another seven, quite a fun one, ARSENIC.
And then an eight. I actually... Is that CARLINES?
Yes. They are thistle-like plants.
OK, at the end of that, Joe and Rosie have 13 points,
Sarah and Tom have are ahead with 20.
APPLAUSE
Now time for Sarah and Joe to go head-to-head.
Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'm going to say two big ones,
please, Rachel.
5, 2, 4... JOE: Yeah, 25, 4, 15...
..25...
Yes! We're in with a chance guys. ..and 100.
And the target...
Easy, 236. Yes! Oh, well, let's see.
Your time starts now.
This could happen.
Oh, God, I'm destined to do crap at this.
Well, someone's had a panic attack.
Joe, talk us through your mental crisis.
I thought it was going to be easy and it wasn't.
Joe, say it's all in there, in your head.
Yeah, I've done it, you're just going to have to trust me.
But you think you've got it?
And, Sarah, have you got it?
I'm one away. Always one away.
Well, I'm one away as well. No, no. No.
Then you do it, you tell us how you did it, joe.
100+5
ROSIE: Yeah.
|S 110.
No, it's not.
I mean, do you know what it is?
I think it's 105,joe. Correct.
x2
=210
And then, what's left?
25 and a 1, Joe.
Oh, + 20!
Errn, x25.
What? No!
No!
Then + 25. I'm one away, one away.
Oh,+1
CHEERING
Ten points tojoe.
So, can you just can you just fumble your way through it after
the music's stopped? Is that a thing, is it?
That's my whole sex life.
Are you doing musical chairs but with your cock?
In a manner of speaking, yeah, sure.
So, Sarah and Tom have 20.
Joe and Rosie have 23.
Yeah!
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us?
Yes, thank you, jimmy.
So, since first appearing on this show,
which I must say, by the way, I am eternally grateful for,
but I still don't really know what it is,
A lot of people have sort of got in contact to ask about
some of the memory demonstrations I've done on the shows in the past,
like memorising a deck of playing cards,
memorising the Wagamama menu and so on.
And the truth is,
a lot of these techniques are very straightforward
to learn if you put, you know, the time in.
I mean, technically, even a young child should be able
to master some of the basic techniques.
Especially if that young child has spent the best part of their life
in with you, in lockdown.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you
to my protege and professional lookalike - ladies and gentlemen,
it's Master Swallow!
MUSIC: Theme from Jurassic Park
Aw, there we go, yeah.
No, don't be fooled, He's actually in his early 70s.
So, are you all right?
Do you want another energy drink? You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Yeah, you don't have to do the voice.
You're doing great.
Don't show me up.
Now, erm, so, look -
what we've got here are some animal flash cards.
There are loads here, I think there's about 60 - 50, 60 of these.
And can you be...? I going to mix them a bit more now,
but can you be honest, Susie? You've examined these,
you've been mixing these yourself as well. I have.
Cos I don't... Its very, very important for everyone to realise,
especially people in the audience and people at home,
that this is, if it works, is real. If it works, OK?
If it don't work, then its fake.
So, Master Swallow, are you listening? Hello?
I'm going to read out whatever random order these animals are in,
OK, and whatever order they're in,
Master Swallow, after I've done it, is going to try and attempt
to recall them, but in reverse order, OK? So, here we go.
Are you listening?
Yeah? Yeah, OK. Here we go, you're doing great.
OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish,
mantis shrimp, wolf,
rhino, ground sqwiwwel... Squirrel.
Crested gecko, scorpion, sailfish,
cheetah, peregrine falcon, tiger,
honey bee, jareff... jareff?
Giraffe.
Saiga antelope - don't know what that is -
okapi, echidna, great grey owl,
kiwi, eagle, wombat,
earthworm, aardvark, firefly, lemur,
peacock, pufferfish, squid,
skunk, snow leopard - some of these are upside down -
stick insect, zebra,
egg-eating snake, giant panda.
Listening? Going in? Yeah.
Blue whale, sea turtle, crab,
armadillo, beaver,
great white shark, hippo, mandril,
flamingo, chameleon, penguin,
meerkat, sea otter, lion,
tree frog, howler monkey,
elephant, sloth,
jaguar, orang-utan, dolphin,
puffin, walrus, albatross, koala.
Now, in reverse order, Master Swallow,
what was the last line I said?
Koala. Yeah, OK.
I mean, that's the easiest one, so don't... You know, don't.
And then what did I say before that?
Albatross. Yeah, and then what?
Walrus. Yeah, and then what?
Puffin. Yes, and then what?
Dolphin. Yes. Orang-utan. Orang-utan, yeah.
jaguar. Yes. Sloth. Yes.
Elephant. Yes. Howler monkey. Yes.
Tree frog. Yes. Lion. Yes.
Sea otter. Correct.
Meerkat. Yes. Penguin. Yes.
Chameleon. Yes.
Flamingo. Very good.
Mandrill. Yes. Hippo. Yes.
Great white shark. Yes.
Beaver. Yeah.
Armadillo. Yes. Crab. Yes.
Sea turtle. Yes. Blue whale. Yes.
Giant panda. Yes.
Egg-eating snake. Yes.
Zebra. Yes. Stick insect. Correct.
Snow leopard. Yeah.
just stop a sec - do the next three in a row
so people don't think you can see. What are the next three?
Skunk, squid, pufferfish.
Skunk, squid, pufferfish - yeah.
Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark, earthworm. Yes.
Wombat. Yes.
Eagle, kiwi, great grey owl. Correct.
Echidna. Yes.
Okapi, saiga antelope, giraffe, honeybee. Yes.
Tiger. Yes. Peregrine falcon. Yes.
Cheetah. Yes.
Sailfish. Pardon?
Sailfish. Correct.
Scot. .. LAUGHTER
Do it again, love.
Scorpion. Yes.
Crested gecko. Yes.
Ground squirrel. Yes.
Rhino. Yes.
Wolf. Very good.
Mantis shrimp. Yes.
jellyfish. Yes.
Crocodile. Yes.
Camel. The first one.
CHEERING
Wow. Wow!
Mr Swallow, can I ask, how old is that child?
That child, I believe is...
Ah, he can't remember, can he?
...six years and three quarters or something like...?
Are you six and three quarters? Six and a half.
Oh, six and a half is not as impressive, I thought he was six.
That's incredible.
BREAKING CHARACTER: This is my real son, Finn.
AUDIENCE: AW!
You did brilliant, love.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who thought it wasn't his real son?
Who's out there going, "Wow, those two get along"?
"They must just be mates."
Mr Swallow, everyone. And Master Swallow. And Master Swallow!
CHEERING
MUSIC: Them from Jurassic Park
I'm not as proud of my achievements tonight as I should be.
We came up with a seven-letter word.
I don't want to be... I don't want to big shot this or whatever,
but my kid can burp on command.
I like the fact that, by comparison,
Rachel now looks like a bloody idiot.
OK, and here is your teaser.
The words are ARSE NUTS, the clue is, slowly does it.
That's ARSE NUTS, slowly does it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were ARSE NUTS, the clue was, slowly does it.
It was, of course, SAUNTERS.
Oh! OK, time for another letters game.
Rosie and Tom are going head-to-head
and we're going to up the stakes.
We're playing for double points in...
...the lightning round.
THUNDERCLAP
Rosie, Tom - you've both been fitted with electric shock machines.
At any stage, you may be shocked.
Oh, no. We'll just test these.
It's just always where I'm going to piss myself.
OK, Tom, you ready? Yeah. Brace yourself. OK. Yeah? Yeah.
Aarghg
I'm sorry about that, that was...
We fitted you with one by mistake. Yeah.
This round is just for Rosie and Tom.
Aarghg
Oh, I enjoyed that.
Aarghg
Oh, it tickles!
It tickles my nipples.
I'm going to test these one more time then we're playing,
OK, so, Tom's works. Aargh! Tom's works.
Whoa! Ooooh!
Wow.
Aarghg
Do you not do it to me because of my IBS?
Yes, it is a... That's what I thought.
It's just, after last time, with the whole clean-up operation.
Right, there's double points up for grabs in this round.
So, Tom, go ahead, pick the letters.
Consonant, please.
G
A vowOOWWWW! Please.
A consonant, PLEASE!
N
A vowel, please. Ugh!
Jimmy!
O
Uh...
JOE: Say it quickly. Con... Consonantplease!
/
Go, nob. ROSIE: Oh!
A vowel, please.
A
A consonant, please.
P
I'm so tense!
Another consonant, please.
T
Aarghg
Well played, jimmy-
And a vowel, please.
And...
...another O.
For double points on the Countdown lightning round...
THUNDERCLAP
...your time starts...
Aargh! ..now.
Aarghg
SHE SQUEALS
Aarghg
Shit!
Oh, oh, oh!
N000!
No! No...
CHEERING
ROSIE: Oh, fuck me.
Can you smell burning? I can smell burning and I like it.
That's my underwear.
I don't know where I am.
I can't believe you jumped out of your seat, Rosie.
Oh!
But it gets you up.
BOTH SQUEAL
Oh, fuck me.
OK, that's enough. I'm putting these away.
That is it for shocking now. No more shocking.
Aargh! One more for Tom, though.
That's it.
So, how many did you get, Tom?
I got five, TANGO.
Rosie, how many?
Five, but I didn't write it down.
But it's different, BONGO.
Double points, cos that was the Lightning Round.
Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, could they have done better?
Errn, GABOON, which is a type of hardwood tree, I believe.
So, at the end of that,
Joe and Rosie are in the lead with 33 points.
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go across Dictionary Corner once again.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us?
So, jimmy, I thought that I would show you a little a card trick,
some little close-up magic.
So I'm just going to come up there, if that's OK.
And it's a very... it's a very straightforward trick.
So, basically, it is the three-card trick.
So, it just uses one, two and three cards, as you might imagine.
We're going to use jokers, basically,
we're going to use the two jokers and we're going to use an ace.
Now, you might have seen this game before,
like chase the ace or three shells and a pea underneath,
and you have to move them around and try and find where it is.
So, the ace, we're going to pop it on top and then immediately
pop it on the bottom. So...
Erm... Sorry, erm...
Joker's on the bottom. No.
So, erm...
What the magician...
What the magician would say is, OK,
j0ker's on the bottom, where is the ace?
Now it's logical to think, OK, joker on the bottom,
either the top or the middle is going to be the ace.
So, you have a look on top, the top's a joker, so, fine,
you know that it's in, erm... That's a joker.
Erm...hang on a sec.
Yeah, sorry, Ace is on the bottom. Ace is on the bottom.
Christ!
So, the magician...
God.
...erm, then says, instead of find the ace, find the joker,
cos you've got more chance, right? You've got twice as many odds.
So, now, again, logical, really easy to think, well,
ace is on the bottom, so both the top and the middle are going to be
erm, the joker. Now, the top one, you can see, is...also an ace,
and the middle one's... Hang on a sec. Erm...
One, two, three. Sorry,
OK. So... Right, there he is.
There's a joker and there's an ace,
so... No, that's a ten. Erm...
It ain't worked, sorry.
APPLAUSE
Mr Swallow, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are SHIT RUMP, the clue is, give me a medal.
That's SHIT RUMP, give me a medal.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser -
the words were SHIT RUMP, the clue was, give me a medal.
It was, of course, TRIUMPHS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Joe, Rosie, your turn to choose.
Shall we get a vowely one? Yeah.
A
Consonant.
G
Consonant!
N!
CONSONANT! Louder!
C!
VOWEL!
Louder!
O
Vowwwweeeeeel!
E
I said, louder! CONSONANT!
L!
You're not trying hard enough.
Consonant.
R
Yeah, well done. Consonant.
S
OK, and your 30 seconds starts...now.
This is perfect. I appreciate it.
We'll just do these.
Lovely, romantic dinner for two.
Lovely. OK.
It's a bit dirty.
CHEERING
I think it looks better without the tablecloth.
just check the glasses.
It's going to be a nice dinner, Fabio.
We never take time.
APPLAUSE
That's why we can't have nice things.
Joe, how many?
Eight. No, you fucking haven't.
I have, yeah.
Rosie? Seven.
Tom, how many? Six.
Sarah? Six. Yeah, OK.
Tom, what's your six? RANGES.
Sarah, your six? GLEANS.
Rosie, your made-up seven?
It is made-up.
LONGERS
SUSIE: There is just LONGER, obviously, but not there as a noun.
Joe. your eight,
you could save the day here with an eight, if you have one.
GLANCERS. Oh!
We all want this for you. We do.
It's not in! Gah!
TOM: Yeah! SARAH: Yes!
Six points to Sarah and Tom.
APPLAUSE
Yay! Brilliant!
The audience didn't like that.
Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better?
Yeah, well, exactly.
GLANCERS, if you swap around the G and the C, is CLANGERS.
OK, sojoe and Rosie
have 33 points. Back in the lead,
Sarah and Tom, with 36 points.
APPLAUSE
OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time
for today's Crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts...now.
Mix-the-letters-up time.
Nah, I never see it.
I'm going to write it out like that.
BELL
Yes? GOSSIPING.
Oh, my God.
CHEERING
It does beg the question,
who are you and what have you done with Joe Wilkinson?
Congratulations. joe and Rosie,
you are now the proud owner of this - the Countdown jazz Band Kit!
CHEERING
Thanks to all of our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media