This programme contains strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...
Jon Richardson.
Richard Ayoade.
Dan Tiernan.
Katherine Ryan.
John Kearns.
Susie Dent.
Rachel Riley.
And your host, Jimmy Carr!
APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE
How to describe Jon Richardson...
He's the kind of guy who irons his receipts,
takes his own cereal on holiday
and washes out his condoms.
Condom. No point buying two if you're going to wash it out,
is there?
And Jon's team-mate, Dan Tiernan!
APPLAUSE
Dan Tiernan - finally, an answer to the question,
"What would it look like if Adrian Chiles' parents
"were brother and sister?"
Up against them this evening
it's guest team captain Richard Ayoade!
APPLAUSE
Richard often does voiceover
and he recently did the voice of a nerdy robot.
In fact, he's still doing it.
DEEP VOICE: How dare you!
And joining Richard tonight, it's Katherine Ryan!
APPLAUSE
As a 40-year-old woman, Katherine worries she's invisible
to high-powered TV bosses.
But Katherine's not invisible.
And I'll tell her that just as SHOON as she gets here.
As shoon as she gets here...
I'll try and do everything more like Sean Connery.
Happy birthday. Thank you.
Did you get anything nice?
Uh, nope.
I have two babies under two.
You know, what are my kids gonna get me?
No, I didn't get anything nice.
You know you've got a husband?
Yep.
But, uh...
Well, my husband and I went to a hotel in London
to escape our children, and I slept while I was there.
And then I went back.
And we didn't even bang.
So I'm not going to be pregnant again this year.
I had a very similar night on my 20th birthday.
Richard, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
Well, you're kind to feign interest.
I... Um...
I've been working on a reissue of a playwright
called Harauld Hughes.
H-A-R-A-U-L-D
But a lot of people don't know he was a poet, Harauld Hughes.
And I've got one of his poems here.
Um, it's a serious work.
He's very... He's a dramatist.
And I'm just very excited to be bringing this, um,
to the public's attention -
I mean, I call it the public - whoever you are -
um, and just get the word out.
Harauld Hughes.
This one's called The Breakdown.
Have you broken down?
DEEP VOICE: I have broken down.
Oh. JON: Does voices.
NORMAL VOICE: Where did the event take place?
DEEP VOICE: It took place near my home.
NORMAL VOICE: Was the breakdown sudden or were there warnings?
DEEP VOICE: No-one warned me.
NORMAL VOICE: Was anyone else involved?
DEEP VOICE: No-one else is involved.
NORMAL VOICE: Would you like to stay where you are until we arrive?
DEEP VOICE: I would like to be home.
NORMAL VOICE: We are quite busy. Are you OK to wait?
DEEP VOICE: I have time, but I'm not OK.
NORMAL VOICE: What kind of model is your car?
DEEP VOICE: I am not in a car.
NORMAL VOICE: You do realise this is the AA?
DEEP VOICE: I know who you are.
NORMAL VOICE: We help people who have broken down.
DEEP VOICE: I HAVE broken down.
NORMAL VOICE: People who have broken down in their cars.
DEEP VOICE: And what about those who haven't?
Oh.
So...
Yeah.
OK. We haven't got time for that long a poem.
Dan, first time on the show. How did you do at school?
Did you do well? This is my experience at school.
HE MUTTERS
It was like that sort of thing.
Um, I went to, like, a specialist school.
Uh, you can tell...
It's called the University of Salford, and....
I went to, like a specialist school for kids with dyspraxia or dyslexia,
um, called Hulme Hall.
Any Hulme Hallers in, by any chance?
Give me a, "Ugh!"
When I was 11, I had to go for, like, an interview there
to see if I was appropriate, and I was nervous about it,
but, um... but they took one look at me,
they were like, boom! "Yes!
That is her there.
"Get in here now.
"Here's your helmet." Um...
But it was a good school. It was a good school.
We had our own dance troupe.
Ooh.
Uh, yeah, they were called Neuro Diversity.
I'm just... I'm slightly worried you haven't stabbed a bit of paper
with a pen enough times.
That's the only thing that's bothering me so far.
There you go.
Dan? Yes.
Don't ask him another one. I'm fucking terrified here!
I wonder if we HAVE got time for another poem!
Richard, have you got a mascot? Yes. Show business is tough.
We know this.
It's hard to remember the joy you used to have.
For me to recall that important...
So very kindly the art department
helped me remember the kind of passion
and the love I had for the show
in previous incarnations.
And just also to remember
the kind of journey I've been on.
So this is a previous show,
and I just look at that guy and go,
"Wow, can I get back to that kind of enthusiasm?"
And here, again, look how much I've changed.
It's just, uh...
Cos it's not just about having fun.
It's about growth.
And also here. Aw...
I've just got... I've just got to get back to this guy.
It's just... In a way, if you can be your own hero,
that's not bad.
It's an extraordinary collection of outfits.
Thank you. It's colours I've not seen anywhere else.
Yes, some of them you can find in "lich-en".
Um, but, uh... Or "like-en".
Some people call it "like-en".
I call it "lich-en".
Katherine, have you got a mascot?
Yes.
Wow, I was right in the middle of a sentence.
It's hard to tell. This is not even a lie.
When I speak to my wife, I have to say, "Comma."
Katherine, have you got a mascot?
Did you want to finish what you were saying about "lich-en"? Full stop.
Yes, Jimmy. I don't know if you've noticed, but over the years,
I have reluctantly taken measures
to fight against the effects of ageing.
Stop it!
But now that I've had my 40th birthday, I feel like now's the time
for me to lean into the eccentric older woman
that I'm destined to become.
And so my mascot
is me in my new persona,
Kathy Koots.
So that's me now.
Um... I'm rebranding.
And you've all got, um, similar hairstyles
if you feel like putting them on. You don't have to.
I brought enough wigs for everyone.
You see, everyone looks more liberated already.
I feel liberated.
We just look like a council on a very bad sci-fi show.
Kathy Kootstra - you know, she likes to take her bra off.
She really likes to let loose.
If you're sitting in the front three rows, you're in the splash zone.
The Council of Xena Four forbids this!
They haven't moved!
I hear what you're saying, Jimmy, and it doesn't bother me any more.
That's right. Kathy Kootstra - she's given up.
Kathy Koots is down for a good time.
It's minor Tennessee Williams, but it's good.
Yeah. Well, I don't think it's Tennessee Williams.
I've met Katherine's mum,
and this is it.
Kathy Koots, everyone.
This is...
Why did Jon just become a Bee Gee?
I like this.
Yes. I love it. I love it, I love it.
Do you feel good about yourself, Jon?
Do you feel liberated? Do you want to drink?
# I feel alive! #
Dan, have you got a mascot?
Uh, yeah, Jimmy.
I can't count or read,
so this is quite scary for me, I won't lie.
What I thought was to sort of calm me down
and feel like this isn't that scary, this is fucking nothing,
is I bought the thing that I'm most terrified of in the world here,
I got some beans...
..um, here.
So, basically, you know at school,
that kid who always had beans on his shirt?
That was me, right?
No-one's surprised. Yeah.
Well, you should be surprised,
because I've never eaten beans in my life.
Because I look like I like beans, right?
We're on the same page. You do.
I mean, not only do I look like I like beans,
I look like all I eat is beans.
First time I ever seen a bean, right, I was five, right?
I was playing with my sister.
Mum opens the fridge and a half a can of beans falls on her head.
Right? And I thought her head had exploded.
And I thought every... beans were in your head.
Maybe... Maybe so that's why I can't eat them,
because...cos they're what's in me. So...
I have another poem!
Jon, have you... Have you got a mascot?
It's rare to be the Everyman.
I've never been in this situation before where I'm the relatable one.
It's very odd for me.
Oh, John Kearns is coming up.
How the fuck's he gonna out-weird that?
I've never found wigs very funny.
Um, I've invented a sort of new holiday.
I call it CHRISHMAS.
Chrishmas?
Chr... Chrishmas with an "ish".
Ooh. Yeah. So here we've got a classic Chrishmas tree.
Um, and I'm going to whip the top off there.
Wheee! There we go.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
We all feel better already, don't we?
And it's got a little plug here...
..right next to my water.
Oh! AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wahey!
Who doesn't feel happier?
A genuine "wahey" from the audience.
Uh, you got to have an angel on your Christmas tree, haven't you?
Because it's not Christmas, you can pick who you like.
So I've gone with, uh, a little Jimmy Carr angel.
It's my little Jimmy angel there.
That's adorable. I picked you
cos I wanted to know what you look like with a tree up your arse.
And because it's Chrishmas, not Christmas,
so you've got snacks on your tree.
So what I've done is I've put little vegan falafels,
so if you get hungry, you just help yourself off the tree.
There's no moisture in it.
I got you, Jon.
Urgh!
They're so fucking dry.
The gag was that I'll eat it and it's dry,
but, my God, it's dry!
I was also dry before I discovered porn star martini.
Kathy Koots.
Whoo!
So if you need a drink,
in the base of the Chrishmas tree....
..that's veg-nog, that.
Veg-nog? Yeah.
What is veg-nog?
It's, uh, eggnog without the egg.
Well, what's it got in it, then? Don't ask.
Did you make that yourself?
Overtime.
OK, And over in Dictionary Corner, it's John Kearns!
APPLAUSE
Great to have you back on the show.
Uh, welcome back.
It's been, uh, six years since I've been on the show.
KATHERINE: Wow.
Over 2,000 days now.
Six long, cold years.
The phone ain't ringing for 2,000 days.
Gets in your head.
You can't help but take it personally, Jimmy.
It's around year five that you think,
"Did I do something wrong?"
You do something I swore I'd never do.
You watch it back.
"Was I TOO funny?"
No, that wasn't the problem.
Sat here watching, uh, today's show...
..that I've really thought, "Wow.
"For six years they've thought...
.."'Nah, he's too weird.
"'People won't get his stuff.'"
HE CHUCKLES
But I must say, today, Jimmy,
I feel very at home.
John Kearns, everyone!
And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE
Susie.
Leading lexicographer Susie Dent has been working with Amazon
to develop the Alexa vocabulary.
It's been slow going, though,
because Alexa keeps going into sleep mode.
Susie, pardon my French,
What is the origin of the F word?
Ah. The story is that during the Great Plague,
the population had been wiped out.
And so the monarch said to all fertile couples,
"Go forth,
"hang F-U-C-K on your door.
"You're Fornicating Under Command of the King.
"You are not to be disturbed."
Um, it is literally fucking nonsense.
But it's a lovely story.
This is my Countdown moment -
it goes back to the Latin pugnare, meaning to fight,
because all the first references in the dictionary are to hitting.
So there was a man who lived in the 14th century
who was unfortunately called Roger.
Roger Fuckbeggar.
Roger what? Sorry.
Roger Fuckbeggar.
We think he just went around hitting homeless people.
So he was just very violent.
Well, it could have been worse, given the name!
So, anyway, a much darker history
than Fornicating Under Command of the King. But...
OK. And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Hey.
Rachel, you were recently awarded an MBE. Congratulations.
Thank you. It's a big deal. That's a big, big deal. Huge.
Now, looking around at us here,
who do you think is the most likely to receive an honour from the King?
Ooh. Tough one.
Um, I was going to suggest the person who's written, you know,
15-odd books and has guarded the dictionary for 30 years.
I think the problem is, if Susie were made a dame,
then she'd be Lady Dent and she would sound like a vagina.
If you got leggings on too tight, "I can see your Lady Dent!"
OK. The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
The Countdown Irish dancing shoes.
APPLAUSE
IRISH MUSIC
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Time for the first game. Jon, Dan,
you get the first pick of the letters.
Vowel, please. Thanks, Dan.
A
You're welcome. Vowel. Vowel.
U
Vowel!
A
Consonant, please.
T
Consonant, please.
R
Vowel.
O
Uh... Vowel.
Consonant, consonant! Oh, is it too late?
I mean... Yeah.
Twi... Stick or twist?
All right, we'll fucking take it. Take it?
Take the I.
Consonant, consonant! Consonant.
Well...
P and M.
Cool. While you're getting on with that,
I'm gonna go online, check out OnlyFans.
And your time starts now.
Oh, shit.
APPLAUSE
That was lovely. It's nice to know what I could achieve
with a bit of effort.
How many letters, Jon?
Uh, six.
How did you do? I got three.
Richard, how many? Five.
Katherine? Six.
Dan, your three?
I got RAT.
RAT. Or TAR.
Richard, your five? PURIM.
What, sorry? PURIM.
The Jewish holiday.
Susie? Sorry, I was miles away.
What was that?
You've only got one job!
I know. Um...
It's capital P. That is the problem.
I think that's the least of our worries at this stage.
I'm sorry.
And, Jon, your six? Uh, IMPART.
Katherine, what's your word? It's ATRIUM.
Great word.
Well, six points to both teams.
Susie, John, could they have done any better?
Yeah. Six was the best we could do.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
Uh, Richard, Katherine, your turn to choose the numbers.
OK, Kathy, what would Kathy do?
DEEP VOICE: Goddamn it, Katherine, just pick the numbers.
Two big, Rachel, and the rest small.
Sure, Kath. Here we go. Your four little ones are...
3, 9,
7 and 2.
And the big ones, 50 and 100.
And the target...
514
Yes! Time starts now.
Oh, no. That's wrong.
I don't know.
So, the target was 514. Richard, did you get it?
DEEP VOICE: No.
Kathy, did you get it? No.
Jon, did you get it? 518.
Dan? Well, no, I didn't.
And then I thought I got it then, but I didn't.
I've got it now if that counts. Go on.
Yeah, I think that would count if you get it now. What have you got?
100 x 3
Yes! 100 x 3 = 300.
Wow.
- 50
250
+ 7
257
x 2
Well done.
OK, so ten points for Jon!
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
I've also now got it.
How did you do it? Exactly the same way.
OK. Richard and Katherine have six points,
Jon and Dan are on 16.
APPLAUSE Whoa.
And here is your teaser.
The words are IF HE RUBS,
and the clue is - there'll be sparks.
That's IF HE RUBS, there'll be sparks. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were IF HE RUBS, and the clue was - there'll be sparks.
It was, of course, BUSHFIRE.
So, Jon and Dan are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Jon and Richard.
So, Richard, your turn to choose.
A vowel. OK.
A bit more enthusiasm, please, Richard.
SAME VOICE: A vowel.
E
Consonant
T
Um, a vowel.
A
Sorry if I'm being aggressive.
Um... Another vowel, please. Thank you.
I
A CONTINENT.
S
Continent.
H
Um, a vowel.
A. JON: These are really good. Thank you for your support.
Uh, and then two more consonants
just to speed it up.
And then N and...
An N. R.
OK. And your time starts now.
VOCALISING-STYLE FOLK MUSIC FOR COUNTDOWN CLOCK THEME
APPLAUSE
Can I just check? Did everyone else see that?
OK. Uh, Richard, how many? Um, a six. Yeah.
Jon, how many? Uh, I'm going to...
FOLK SINGING Fuck!
OK. Wow.
I knew that... FOLK SINGING
How many, Jon? Eight.
FOLK SINGING
Eight.
I have an eight, Jimmy. FOLK SINGING
Richard, your six? TRAINS.
TRAINS. There are... They exist.
Yeah.
Jon, what's your...
What's your word?
FOLK SINGING
By the way, thank you for respecting MY personal space.
I'm so aware I'm going bald from the back.
I don't know if I've been influenced by what's happening, Jimmy,
cos I thought that was a lovely shanty, but I thought
what I'm getting here was a little bit SHANTIER. SHANTIER?
Susie, do you want to break his heart?
Yeah. It's not there as an adjective, Jon.
You win. That's right, that's right. TRAINS.
TRAIN me!
Ladies and gentlemen, the girls from The Shining.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much.
Oh.
I don't know, I just felt like it was BEAN time.
Susie, John, could they have done any better?
I'm gonna leave it to the genius of Susie Dent
to give you a sweet nine.
Whoa! Yeah, it's a bit obscure.
RHATANIES
And they're extracts of the roots of a South American shrub.
Woohoo!
Susie Dent!
John Kearns - I don't know if the audience have noticed,
but he's wearing one of those Jon Richardson wigs you can buy.
If you lean forward there, Jon,
you can see they've modelled it on... It's the...
That's the Jon Richardson wig.
Well, if Jimmy leans forward,
you can see what hair used to be on his back.
Well, this should be good. Time for Katherine and Dan to go head to head
in the numbers round.
Dan, you're to pick the numbers.
One big, and then I guess that means the rest small.
We have...
3, 10,
2, 8, 1...
Oh, wait. 8... 2... 25.
And the target...
25... I mean.
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
I can't see it. 176. She's old!
So... Fuck me.
Fucking life.
I'm sorry, Jon.
You don't have to apologise to me.
I don't know how to do that.
Come on, channel Kathy.
Kathy knows.
Kathy knows her 25 times table.
I need to get to 70-fucking-6.
RACHEL: You can still do it with 8.
DAN: 16... Oh, fucking hell.
It's what? 7 x 25 = 125.
And your second 30 seconds starts...
Reset the clock. They need a little bit more time on this.
Come on. Go.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
OK.
BELL
He's uptight. He's fucking helped her!
That is a God... You...
DEEP VOICE: You're a liar.
You're a goddamn liar, sir.
Dan, do you want some more time? Uh, yeah.
Could I get a bib whilst I'm here? Cos I'm sort of dribbling.
Um, I don't think I'm going to get there,
even if we have an hour.
I think one of the bigger problems you've got is that piece of paper
that you just tried to eat is the one I wrote the answer on.
Oh, this...
Wait, what?
Have the beans. OK.
Katherine, did you get it?
I did eventually get it. You did eventually get it. OK.
Uh, Dan, did you get it?
But they cheated.
You shut up and eat your beans!
This is the furthest we've ever been from the real Countdown.
No. Thank you.
If you do want one, I got to say you've got to go in there
and get the spoon, cos that's gone in there.
Yeah... We've not met before, but that's not really my thing.
Katherine, how did you do it? Yes.
All I knew... Yes, ..is that...
25 x 7 = 175
And how did you make your 7?
10 - 3
Yes. And then...
x 25 = 175
Luckily, there's a 1
There is. And I added that. Smashed it.
Well done. Ten points to Katherine!
OK, so Jon and Dan have 16 points,
Richard and Katherine are in the lead
with 22 points.
APPLAUSE
All right. Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner
for a bit of sanity.
John, what have you got for us? Thank you, Jimmy.
The great thing about technology
is that you can be in two places at the same time.
Uh, when I was asked to do this show, I checked the diary,
and I was busy.
Uh, my part-time job,
job on the side, Susie, is that. I'm an auctioneer.
Mm-hm. But, uh, with the help of this VR headset,
uh, I can leave Countdown for a second, and, uh...
..go straight to the auction house.
OK. Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
OK. Hello there. Good afternoon.
Never mind where I am.
Never mind where I am!
OK, let's get on with this thing.
First lot here. What do we have?
OK. It's a phone case
signed by Mother Teresa.
Do I hear...
Do I hear 70? Do I hear 70?
70? 80.
HE MUTTERS RAPIDLY
Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
HE MUTTERS
Do I hear...?
Going once, going twice. Sold!
Sold to chap there.
OK, let's go to the next item.
What have we got? We've got a door.
A door that was leant against by, uh, Vernon Kay...
..circa...circa 2000,
when he, uh...he was around, uh, presenting T4.
Do I hear 15 in the room?
HE MUTTERS RAPIDLY
20. Thank you, sir.
Thank you!
Do I have 30?
I have 30 on the phones.
I have got 30 on the phone. Do I have anything higher?
Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Thank you. 40.
40. Do I hear 50?
50. Thank you very much!
Do I have better than 50? Do I have better...
Sold, sold, sold, sold, sold!
Sold! 50!
Thank you so much, sir.
You have a lot of money, my brother.
Right, let's wrap this up.
Ah, last... Uh, last item on the bill
is a full England strip
that was worn by David Beckham in the World Cup in 1998.
It is a sock short
because the previous owner one night ran out of toilet roll
and kitchen roll.
Um, so do I hear...
Do I hear...
£100,000 in the room!
£100,000 in the room! Thank you.
Do I hear anything more than 100?
Thank you very much, sir. 100, 200.
Is there anything...?
HE MUTTERS RAPIDLY
300!
HE MUTTERS
300 in the room!
Going once, going twice.
Sold! Sold to the prick in the middle.
Thank you very much, sir.
Well, that's the end of the, uh, auction. Thank you very much.
Jimmy, you really got to come down.
It's a lot of fun down there. It really is.
John Cairns, everyone.
APPLAUSE
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised
in tonight's show, please do get in touch.
OK, here is your teaser.
The words are GO ON, SHIT.
And the clue is - does that feel better?
That's GO ON, SHIT. Does that feel better?
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were GO ON, SHIT.
The clue was - does that feel better?
It was, of course, SOOTHING.
OK, before we go on, time for a quick bonus round.
Now, some of our guests on the show
can barely read and write, so it's time
to improve their spelling. Jon, Katherine,
join me in the centre for the Countdown Spelling Bee.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Wow. Oh, yeah.
OK, so this is the Countdown Spelling Bee.
During the break, you were both fitted with electric shock pads.
Every time you make a mistake, you will get an electric shock
equivalent to a bee sting.
What?!
Do you understand what's going to happen here?
Yeah, you're a prick.
We're going to check they're their working.
Katherine, I'll test yours first.
You're a fucker. He does this gag every time.
It's going to be me, isn't it, you little scamp?
It fucking says, "Jimmy zaps," on the autocue.
You can't even...
You can't even make it up!
I think I'm just used to, like, Botox and everything.
There's like... Are you pressing it.
There's like a tingle. I like it.
Argh!
You can't piss in these trousers and get away with it.
OK. Katherine, you're up first.
Nice, easy one to start with.
Your word is gobbledygook. Spell gobbledygook.
I'll use it in a sentence if you like. OK.
Oh, no. I'm covered in gobbledygook.
Oh.
Yeah, I love that.
I can tell you it is actually spelt...
Y. I got it wrong.
Shock me again.
Yeah. It's nice.
OK, Jon. Easy one for you to start with.
Yeah. Son of a bitch.
It's where. Spell where.
Yeah...
I'm doing QI next.
No. Argh!
W-H. I feel like the next time I get electrocuted,
my right leg is going to really kick out as far as...
Argh!
Oh!
That was amazing.
OK, Katherine, your word is pterodactyl.
OK.
There's no E on the end!
I like getting shocked. Yeah.
There was no E on the end, but otherwise you did very well.
There. They just should have stopped.
Jon, your word is gonorrhoea.
Argh!
Wondered if that...was wrong!
Well, I like it as well. I like it.
I like it.
Do you wanna have another go at gonorrhoea?
No, just zap me, mate. I like it.
I like it, I like it.
I fucking got A levels!
Go on. Have another go at gonorrhoea.
Come on. Gonorrhoea.
Did you zap me at O?
Yeah. So...
Tsss!
It's like a horse that can count.
What did I say? H?
Yeah, H, yeah.
Yeah.
Correct. Yeah!
Well, Jon's the winner. Five points to your team.
Wait, Jon won?!
All right, back to your seats. After you, Jimmy.
Can I have that for the rest of the show? Thank you.
Ah.
This is the icing on Kathy Koot's evening cake.
OK, time for our next letters game.
Richard, Katherine, your turn to choose.
Consonant. Thank you.
M
M. And a vowel.
E
E. And a vowel, please.
I
Oh, great. And also a consonant..
Y
Yeah, OK. And a consonant.
N
OK, and a consonant.
G
Oh, wow. OK.
And also maybe a vowel.
Why not?
A
Ooh. Er...
Ooh. Consonant, I think.
T
Shut up!
And then a vowel, please.
And last one for you, Richard...
O
Oh... And your time starts now.
Jon, how many? Six.
RICHARD: Ooh.
Dan? Five. Excellent.
Richard? Risky seven.
Oh! JON: Ooh. Yeah.
Katherine? Six.
Dan? Your five?
Uh, GOATY.
RICHARD: That's also what Hitler called his pet goat.
Susie, is GOATY in there?
Yeah. It's an adjective. Yes. To be GOATY. Yeah.
Jon, your six? TOYING.
Katherine, your six?
Well, mine was also TOYING, but I also have TAMING.
Your risky seven, Richard? Well, there are two.
So one is MEATING. Not there.
OK. Wow, that was so quick.
What about MOATING? Yeah.
MOATING, as in building a moat?
As in, I'm on a moat and I'm just enjoying myself.
MOATING
MOATING is in!
HE EXCLAIMS INDISTINCTLY
In your face. That's right.
What does it mean? What does it mean?
To surround with a moat.
John, Susie, could they have done any better?
Seven was the best, actually. KATHERINE: Wow.
Seven points for Richard!
Yay!
RICHARD: That's right.
OK, time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
John, what have you got for us? Thank you, Jimmy.
Um, if I may, I'd like to pay respects...
KATHERINE GASPS ..to, uh, my neighbour,
uh, Deborah, who passed away now.
Dead Deborah.
Deadorah, as I call her.
She died of natural causes, of course, Susie.
Her last message to me was, um.
"I'm in an electrical storm holding my trumpet.
"Is it all right if I point it up?"
And I replied, "Yes, lol."
And I've regretted it ever since.
If I'm honest with you, Jimmy,
she never got over the death of her husband.
George.
5'3".
Cypriot.
Gemini.
He passed away.
And part of her culture is that you bury someone with cash.
So she put 500 quid in his breast pocket.
A year later, well, she was going through a rough time.
So they had to go and, uh, you know...
..dig him up.
They cracked open the coffin.
It was 20 quid short.
He was wearing a new hat.
No-one could explain it.
But her last dying wish...
Her last...last dying wish. Her last dying wish?
Her last dying wish... Not the first? The last one?
She had a lot of dying wishes.
But the last one I listen to...
She said she'd love to have her ashes in an egg timer.
So I thought,
"Do you know what, she's always wanted to be on the show."
And you're looking good, girl.
You're looking good.
And this is perfectly 30 seconds.
So the next time we play a round of Countdown,
I thought I'd use this so she could be involved, you know.
I mean, it might... It might not be exactly 30 seconds.
It might be a minute or two out, but, um,
in great respects of Deborah...
Deborah, your time to rest in peace
starts now.
APPLAUSE
John Kearns, everyone.
And here is your teaser. The words are MINGE DIP.
The clue is - get out of the way.
That's MINGE DIP. Get out of the way!
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser....
The words were MINGE DIP.
The clue was - get out of the way.
It was, of course, IMPEDING. OK.
All right, time for our final letters game.
Richard, Katherine, your turn to choose.
OK, Rachel, can we have three consonants,
and then I'll decide again? OK.
N, S
and V.
And two vowels, please.
I and U.
Consonant. This is going badly, I feel.
R
Vowel, please. Yeah, sure. Why not?
A. Ugh!
Consonant, vowel.
And...B and...
O. Ugh!
OK. And your 30 seconds starts now.
RICHARD: Right.
Great. And that's, yeah, 50% off.
OK.
LAUGHTER
Richard, how many?
HE SIGHS Six.
Six. Katherine?
INVUSABO
I-N-V-U-S-A-B-O...
And that's an eight.
Women over 40, like me, we become INVUSABO!
Rachel! Get up!
You are a pretty girl. But fuck's sake!
I'm going to say none.
That was bad. Dan, how many?
I have got a word that
encapsulates... How many?
Seven. So fuck you. Um...
And I actually wasn't finished there.
Seven.
This encapsulates not only the city we're in, my city, Manchester,
but also the gay community.
Huge. OK. Jon, how many? A seven that doesn't do any of that.
So, Richard, your six? BRAINS.
And, Dan, your seven? RAINBOS.
Um, just need a W.
RICHARD: Yeah. That's...
What? Traditionally, yeah.
Someone fucking get me
a double W, then.
Jon, your seven? VARIOUS.
Yeah. Very good. Yeah.
KATHERINE: Well done.
John, Susie, could they have done any better?
No. Seven was what we got.
Uh, Susie also got SAVIOUR.
What was it? SAVIOUR.
RICHARD: SAVIOUR.
One more time.
SAVIOUR, brother!
Oh! SAVIOUR.
SAVIOUR!
SAVIOUR...
As in "save ya breath"!
Real "save ya breath"!
OK, so Jon and Dan have 28 points.
Richard and Katherine are just ahead with 29.
KATHERINE: Ooh. Oh.
APPLAUSE
OK. All right, fingers on buzzers.
Here's today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
KATHERINE PANTS
Oh, oh, I think I know what it is!
BELL
READINGS
Why isn't it?
BELL Is it READINGS?
No. Rea...
BELL Oh.
No. It's not. Restart the clock. DAN: Someone's at the door.
Oh, no.
BELL Yes, Katherine Ryan.
It is GARNISHED.
Let's have a look.
It's GARNISHED.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the final scores are...
Jon and Dan have 28 points.
Richard and Katherine are the winners with 39.
Yeah! CHEERING
Congratulations. You're now the proud owners of these,
the Countdown Irish dancing shoes.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight!
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media