This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
Richard Ayoade,
Jonathan Ross,
Kemah Bob,
Maisie Adam,
Sarah Keyworth,
Susie Dent,
Doctor Anne-Marie Imafidon,
and your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello, and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
It's the quiz that if it's anything as fun to watch as it is to host,
my advice is turn off now.
OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's guest team captain,
Richard Ayoade.
Richard Ayoade is an actor
and is probably best known for his role playing Richard Ayoade
in literally everything he's ever been cast in.
Richard says his favourite movies
are all black-and-white French New Wave films from the '60s,
and that's because he's never seen Paddington 2.
I was in Paddington 2.
But I haven't seen it. I'm in it.
Right, I am having to IMDB that. Is he in it?
What do you mean? Why would I lie about something so banal?
Who did you play? I was in the court scene.
Has anyone seen this film? I've seen it. I was in it.
I don't remember you in it. I was in it!
I'm the person who sends Paddington to prison.
Oh, no. You've blocked it out because it was very traumatic.
OK, no, come on, all right, I'm getting up IMDB.
Are you in both? No, I'm in the second one.
Well, that... Hence the box office lift.
Forensic investigator, Richard Ayoade. Thank you.
I am in it.
That's unbelievable.
I can't believe it.
And Richard's team-mate, Kemah Bob.
Kemah is a gay Black woman from Texas.
She moved to the UK in 2018 because, well,
she was a gay Black woman living in Texas.
I just want to say, I'm only half gay.
Half gay? I'll put half gay.
I think it's important. Yeah. Representation matters,
and I don't want anyone full gay
to say "Hey, she's appropriating our culture."
So half gay?
It's not like a mermaid, like the top half is gay
and the bottom half isn't?
Well, do you know what, I kind of feel like a bit is,
because my brain loves women and my...anyway.
Up against them this evening is guest team captain Jonathan Ross.
Hello.
I was not in Paddington 2 or 1.
I wasn't asked to be in any of the Paddingtons.
Jonathan Ross. He looks like if a Disney Princess kissed a frog,
but then changed her mind halfway through.
Don't take that. Don't take that. You know what, I've had worse.
And joining Jonathan tonight, it's Maisie Adam.
Maisie Adam gets annoyed when people mispronounce her surname
by adding an S. I'd never do that.
Maisie Saddam, everyone.
OK, Jonathan, here's my question to you.
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
you're in your sixties, you're looking great, what's your secret?
Oh, you're asking me what my secret is,
when your hair miraculously grew back?
But that didn't grow, did it? It grafted.
You think it grafted?
You mean like in Love Island when they have to graft?
No, I mean down the pits.
Yeah. What is my secret? Well, thank you,
that's a very nice thing for you to say.
Hydration is the key, I believe.
The problem, though, is that goes hand-in-hand with
as you get older, you do need to wee more,
so it's a trade-off. You know what I do? What do you do?
Just get relaxed about pissing when I am sitting down like this.
Oh, no.
I have been twice since the show started,
and you know what? No-one's the wiser.
No. How is your prostate?
My prostate is fine, I've had it tickled quite recently.
A doctor tickles it for you.
He puts a camera up there and has a good look at it.
Do you get to keep the footage afterwards?
You know when your parents buy, you know when you...
I think technically it belongs to ITV2. What?
Part of that footage was used in Paddington 2.
That's the title sequence.
No, I did actually, when I went in,
the first time I had it done, I did ask the guy,
because we used to show weird clips,
and I said I might put this on the TV show as a jokey story thing.
So, I said to the gentleman who had the camera,
I said, "Can I have the footage afterwards?"
And then I was there for quite a while, he was poking around,
and after a while I began to feel faint
and I said "Surely you must be done now?"
He said, "I was just giving you extra footage."
I said, "I don't need 20 fucking minutes, I need like 30 seconds."
I am not sure that guy was a doctor.
No.
It wasn't even a camera, he said it was on the end of his finger,
I didn't see the camera.
Kemah, you're from America.
Have you learnt any interesting words since you've been here?
Definitely.
I feel like you guys use really big words
and we tend to keep it like short and sweet.
And so, when I moved here there was
so many big words that I'd never heard before
and that kind of blew my mind. Like austerity.
So, what would you call that in the States?
Erm, life.
But when I initially heard austerity,
I thought to myself, this word sounds expensive.
It sounds bougee, you know,
like it sounds like something people do
on a night out in Bridgerton, you know?
Like "Join me at my manor for an evening of austerity."
Good times. Another big word for me, huge,
that I never heard before was like referendum.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah, like because I had never heard referendum before,
I had no idea what a referendum could do,
and it really feels like you guys didn't either.
OK, Richard if you could be anywhere in
the world right now, where would you choose?
It's tempting to say anywhere else.
And not just because it's true, but...
No, it's untrue.
I'm very happy here amongst, well, whoever you are.
I'm very looking forward to...what is...why are we here?
I presume some sort of mix-up at your management company.
Yes, look.
I'm just here to remind people of what desserts used to look like.
I've done my job. Yeah, well done you.
I was in Paddington 2, goddamn it.
Richard have you got a mascot? I do.
How many of this.... Have there been?
Yeah. Over 150. Oh, there's been a lot,
and you know what started off as maybe an idea
of something to bring people luck,
and a nice talking point, has become a burden.
It's become a burden to produce these mascots,
and I know, I understand that it creates some comedic business.
So, I've created this, it's an IOU,
for a mascot for comic purposes.
I don't have a mascot
because I reject the conformism of it,
I don't believe in luck. I've got this.
Why is it done like a ransom note? So that you won't know I did it.
And also, possibly... Maisie, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, I actually... This bit's not done.
And also, by having an IOU it opens up
the possibility of me being rebooked.
That is actually quite clever. I agree to disagree.
Hang on, let me try that again.
Maisie, could you be arsed to bring a mascot?
I've got a mascot, would you like to see it?
Yes. OK, great.
So, previously when I've been on this show, Jimmy,
I think I've struggled to work under pressure.
So I've brought something, it is Whack-A-Countdown.
It's just that the good people at Whack-A-Mole have got no...?
I mean this is very different. It's very different
cos with Whack-A-Mole, which I don't think we're allowed to say,
with the other one, you whack...a mole.
You got round that nicely.
This one you will whack little figures of people on the show.
So this is to make you better at dealing with the clock?
Yeah, I'll have 30 seconds on the clock
so I can get used to dealing with that.
All right. Wait, I have to plug it in first.
Can we plug it in, please?
Can we act like I paid you in advance? Thank you.
Ready. Here we go, your time starts now.
One, two, three.
Hit them harder, Maisie, hit them harder.
Oh, it's broke!
That was actually really stressful and I didn't enjoy it
and you went slower in the rehearsals.
I love it. Maisie Adam, everyone.
Jonathan, do you have a mascot? Well, I feel bad as well
because I sort of forgot to bring one in,
and I had planned it, and then when I came here I said,
"Oh, I've forgot to bring my mascot. Can I have a look around here,
"can I have a look in the offices, in the studio, in the dressing room,
"can I find something to be a mascot?"
Was there anything? So they let me have a look around.
I found something. What did you find?
I found Jimmy Carr's contract, ladies and gentlemen.
Ooh.
The employment contract. Oh, wow.
And you know what? It's not that surprising in some ways,
some of the things you'd expect are pretty standard. Yeah?
For show business contracts, when you get to this level,
you'll know this, point one,
rose petals have to be scattered in front of Jimmy
on the way to the studio. That's pretty standard.
Number two here, production staff may only
refer to Jimmy as your excellency.
This one surprised me, one packet of Haribo,
each sweet must be pre-sucked by Susie Dent in his dressing room.
And this is my favourite point,
it says when Jonathan Ross is on the show,
a one-inch hole must be drilled between Jimmy's dressing room
and Jonathan's bathroom at waist height.
Oh, that's my contract, sorry, that's in my contract.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sarah Keyworth.
Sarah is a nonbinary comedian which means that sometimes
she likes to get up on stage and dick about,
and other times she prefers to get up on stage
and fanny about, it's all valid. It goes better when I fanny about.
First time on the show, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Yes, hello. Hello, Jimmy, hello everyone.
Yes, my name's Sarah.
Apparently I don't look like a Sarah.
I think it's the hair.
I get my hair cut by a very nice French man called Ian,
and when he's finished he goes, "Ooh, what do you think?"
And I think, "you've made me look like an Ian.
"That's what you've done."
It's an Ian cut, isn't it?
I mean, you look beautiful, obviously, but if we... Stop it!
If we were gonna... Well, I can see why you've sat me over here.
I think if we were gonna pick someone to play
Jonathan Ross in a biopic, I think the young Jonathan Ross is the...
OK, with Sarah of course, it's Susie Dent.
Yeah.
I'm not saying Susie Dent's books are dog shit,
but the council recommend picking them up
with a special little plastic bag
and putting them in a special bin in the park.
Jimmy! That is so mean. What is happening?
So mean.
Don't you take that, Susie.
Yeah, how many have you written, Jimmy?
Two. No, how many have you written,
not how many have you sold?
There you are, got your back, Suze. I've got your back.
That's defence, yeah. Just pop that on the edit floor.
Susie, which old words would you like to see make a comeback?
Well, there's always the stiffrump from the 16th century.
A stiffrump? A stiffrump, and that's...
Oh, it's a good phrase, before we even know what it means.
What does it mean? It's a brilliant one.
It's somebody who refuses to budge from an unfounded,
unfair judgment of someone else. Looking at you, Jimmy.
Oh, that felt loaded.
Do you need somebody to get you away from him?
Give us a signal.
- Yeah, we can get you out of here. - Can you?
Yeah. Ask for Angela and we'll get you out.
OK. And in charge of the numbers, standing in for Rachel Riley,
it's Doctor Anne-Marie Imafidon. It's very good to have you here.
Doctor Anne-Marie is a computing and mathematics genius
who speaks five languages
and is the President of the British Science Association.
Getting her to do this show
is like using the Large Hadron Collider to heat up your Pot Noodle.
You're obviously super-smart,
is there anything you're really bad at?
I'm really bad at trains. Once, I was going from Chester to London
and got on the wrong train twice in the same journey
and ended up in Wales.
Did you only clock it when you got to Wales?
Yeah, the sign was obviously different.
Well, it's very good to have you here. We're lucky.
I also got the wrong train here,
but we'll cover that another time.
Did you? Genuinely, yeah.
Then where are you? We missed the train.
What show are you supposed to be on? Who knows?
I knew I should have taken the wrong train.
OK, and the prize the teams are competing
for tonight is this. The Countdown piano!
He's been practising all week, please. Ssh.
PLAYS INDIVIDUAL NOTES HALTINGLY
Let's Countdown, everyone. Time for the first game.
Jonathan, Maisie, you get to pick the letters. Ooh.
Would you like to go first? You're good at this. Oh, OK.
Thank you. Could we have a vowel please, Anne-Marie?
Consonant.
S.
Another consonant.
A vowel.
Oh, a different vowel.
No, not the right vowel.
A consonant.
Z?
Oh, come on, Anne-Marie! Who wants a Z?!
We are trying to make the fun version of this show,
not the dog shit version in the afternoon.
So do you want to change... What?
LAUGHTER
I'm getting ready, look the 30 seconds is coming up,
I've got to do a bit of scoot-scooting.
You look like you're on your way
to your first day at boarding school.
It's hard to tell, at first glance I didn't know
if that was a helmet or you'd had another hair transplant.
Could we have a different consonant?
Oh, lovely. Oh, delightful.
One more consonant. Thank you.
Your final letter is a K. OK, your time starts now.
Oh, scoot, scoot, scoot.
Thank you.
Scoot, scoot. I did scooting. I did some scooting.
It was really good scooting, wasn't it? The fear in your eyes!
You're so good at scooting. I'm so good at scootin'.
Jonathan, how many?
I've got some sixes. Two sixes. Some sixes. Maisie, how many?
Yeah, got some sixes as well.
OK Richard, how many?
Six. Six. Kemah?
Six as well. Oh.
All right, what's your six?
My one? Yeah.
OK, great. I'm sorry, I've very distracted,
you have a nice butt, Jimmy.
That's kind of...people don't talk about it.
I told you, I told you I had man junk in the trunk, but you didn't listen.
Your bottom is rounder than expected.
I feel like I might as well be a lap dancer.
People are just staring at my arse.
Although that had my word on it so I've forgotten it now.
All right, so what are your words?
I will tell you, I will tell you my six. Speedo.
Is Speedo allowed because it's a brand name
and sometime they don't allow brand names?
Speedo is also a shortened version of speedometer,
do you mean it that way?
Yeah.
Suzie, is speedo in there?
Yes, so Speedos are trademarks and capital S,
but speedo, as Jonathan said, is short for speedometer.
It actually is? Oh, perfect. Yeah.
Which is what I meant.
Richard, your six? Soaked.
Jonathan, your six.
I had pokers, or,
I don't know whether I would get this one, spoked.
Yeah. And Maisie, your six?
I've got erodes and pseudo.
Six points to both teams.
Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better?
Susie has presoaked. ALL: Ooh.
Stop it!
It's a nine-letter word. That's...come on.
All hail. I got soaked but lacked the energy
and intelligence to rearrange
the three remaining letters into pre.
That's why I had a small part in Paddington,
they didn't trust me with anything bigger.
You would have been a good choice for the voice of the bear.
If you were Paddington what would say, as Paddington?
NASAL: More marmalade, please.
I mean it's in the same...
I mean done. That's good, that's good.
So at the end of that, both teams have six points.
OK, onto our first numbers round. Richard,
Kemah, you get to choose the numbers.
Wow, this is a big responsibility. Please. Me?
Please do choose. My God.
But I wasn't in any Paddingtons.
No. OK... I think there is a bit of Paddington in all of us.
Ew.
May I have three big ones, please?
Oh, radical. Nice. Yeah, I do what I want.
Three big ones, three small ones.
We have... Thank you so much.
..and a target of 881.
Good luck, everyone, your time starts now.
Oh, I hate this game so much.
Ah, shit.
Yeah, this is an absolute nightmare.
So the target was 881. Get it?
Sh. Whoa.
Whoa there, hold on. Jonathan, did you get it?
No. OK. But, Maisie, did you get it?
No.
Richard, did you get it? No.
Kemah?
Not really.
I got 875. Go on, tell us.
Two plus five.
Two plus five is seven. Ah!
Plus one. Clever. Plus one is eight.
Times by the 100.
And then, now... Now, watch closely. This is what I just did, OK.
Hold on, hold on.
I added 50.
Then I added 25.
Wow. This guy's insane!
Five points. Five big points for Richard Ayoade. OK.
This bit is so hard.
Anne-Marie, could it be done? No.
What? That's why I couldn't do it, Jimmy.
The sum was impossible, was it? Yeah.
I'll just give Rachel a call, shall I? Go on, go on, then. Ah.
What? Sure. OK,
so Jonathan and Maisie have six points,
Richard and Kemah have 11 points.
Early lead.
And here is your teaser. The words are IHOGNUTS,
the clue is keep your mouth closed. That's IHOGNUTS,
keep your mouth closed. See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer the teaser
the words were IHOGNUTS,
the clue was keep your mouth closed,
it was of course SHOUTING.
So, Richard and Kemah are in the lead
and they've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Richard and Jonathan.
So, Richard, your turn to choose.
Consonant.
X.
Really? That's how we're starting?
We can work with that. Oh, no.
Another consonant, please.
Another X.
T. Vowel, please.
O. Another vowel please.
I. Maybe another vowel.
What? Yes. E.
Consonant. Q.
Holy Moly. Are you serious, Anne-Marie?
Are you, I mean what?
Another vowel.
A. Another consonant.
Go on, vowel, vowel, vowel. L.
Vowel, vowel, vowel.
That's what we're looking for. And then another vowel.
Come on, come on, come on. A strong desire for a U.
CHEERING
OK, I'm gonna play the clock music
on some wine bottles.
OK, all right.
You ready? Your time starts now.
It's so off-putting.
It's horrible, isn't it?
Now, I've got cheese and wine for everyone
to sort of lift the spirits.
Kemah, in your honour, as you're American,
I've got some American squeezy cheese for you.
Thank you so much.
Maisie Adam, we got you Maisie Edam.
Oh, great.
Richard Ayo...Wensleydale,
That's very much a work in progress. No, that's good.
And, Jonathan, we got you... old blue veiny cheese.
As per my rider.
This is, I mean it's a little bit of class, isn't it,
cheese and wine on the show.
It's so exciting.
Thank you very much.
Why have I got like just a big wedge with a...
Maisie Edam.
Oh, you looked like a psychotic clown for a moment there.
I liked it.
Oh, Jesus Christ, what happened there?
I don't like this cheese. Bad cheese.
Which cheese?
The blue one. The blue one? The Jonathan Ross one.
I can't swallow it, I don't want it in my body.
It's only for the sophisticated palette.
Hmm. Fuck off.
What's crazy about this is, like,
I'm severely lactose intolerant and so...
I just feel so bad for Richard
cos it's about to get crazy in about five to ten.
That's OK. This just wipes clean.
Richard, how many?
Erm, just the one.
Well, I've got a definite five,
and but for a D I'd have an eight.
Why has your wine got a head on it?
Jonathan, how many have you got?
I have got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Richard, your five. I've put quiet.
Jonathan, your seven.
Exotica. Oh, that might be all right.
Very good. A popular form of music in the 1950s.
- That's amazing. - Do you have a U after Q?
You don't...no, no. Exotica, like that.
No, no, CA. I don't think we've got a C, mate.
Oh, I haven't got it.
Oh!
I apologise, however, I'm still happy
cos I've got the cheese.
No, wait a second, wait a second,
can I just check in with Susie Dent?
You had one job, Susie. I'm so sorry!
She thought there was a C as well, didn't you, Susie? I did.
KEMAH: It's so exciting. Yeah, such a good word.
Try that one. Well, you try it, it's your word.
Oh. Toxique.
I like that one. The lounge version of the Britney Spears song. Yeah.
Five points to Richard.
Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better?
Er, I dunno, we're just getting pissed.
Liquate.
Oh, yeah, I had that. Seven, that's a sevener.
Liquate? What is that?
Purifying metals.
That's like Jimmy on the phone. "Liquate everything, liquate it."
"The tax man's coming round, liquate all the files."
"Liquate. Liquate it and then shred it. Shred it."
So at the end of that, Jonathan and Maisie have six points,
Richard and Kemah have 16.
Well played, well played.
OK. Right, now it's time for Maisie and Kemah to go head-to-head
with the maths. Maisie, you pick the numbers.
I've nothing but confidence in you. OK, two big ones please, Anne-Marie.
Another one. Oh, Jesus.
100 and 75.
With a target of 197.
OK, and your time starts now.
So the target was 197.
Maisie, did you get it?
No.
I got 190.
Seven away. OK, Kemah, did you get it?
I think we have 196. Oh!
196, OK, that'll be worth something,
how did you do it?
So one plus one is two,
and then two times 100...
Times 100 for 200.
..will get you 200, and then you wanna take four away from it.
JONATHAN: Oh, masterful.
Seven points for Kemah.
Nicely done. Nicely done.
Anne-Marie, could it be done?
Yes, it can be done.
One plus one, two. I'm fine so far. Good start, yeah. I'm all good.
Nine times this two is 18.
Add the 75 on... Shut it.
Whoa. ..for 93, and then 100 for 193...
Oh, mate.
Yeah. Whoa. ..and then add on four.
That's a beautiful piece of maths.
That feels like very lucky that that worked out, but brilliant.
That's so clever.
Pretty great. OK, so Jonathan and Maisie have six,
Richard and Kemah have 23.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner,
Sarah Keyworth, what have you got for us?
I've made a short presentation, just to put everybody at ease,
and it's to explain why I frighten women
brackets, and men.
And I think we call all agree I am very frightening, there I am.
And the reason for that is that I represent
the most frightening thing the world,
which is ambiguous genitals.
"What have you got down there, Keyworth?" I can hear you all crying.
And I'll never tell.
I'm not gonna tell, I won't even write it down cos I can't spell it.
I think I confuse people for a lot of reasons,
my youthful looks, mentioned it before,
it confuses people everywhere I go.
Last summer, I was walking my friend's dog down the road,
there was a man on the other side of the street,
and he shouted, "No school today?"
I said to him,
I said, "Oh, no, I'm 28 years old," and he went,
"Oh, that's weird. I thought you were a young boy."
And I was like, "I'm weird?
"Why are you starting a conversation with a young boy?"
I tweeted about that. I love tweeting about gender.
I did a tweet recently, you know the film Notting Hill?
I did a parody of the famous quote
from Notting Hill, the one that's like,
"I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her,"
but instead of that I Tweeted
"I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
"realising it's a mirror and that gender is a social construct."
But I got quite a modest Twitter following,
very few followers and mostly queer people.
So, I thought, my plan was I'd tweet that and get like two likes
and then feel smug for the rest of the day, but the problem is
I'm also followed by comedian and professional quizzer
Paul Sinha from The Chase.
Yeah. The Chase, very popular daytime quiz show, isn't it, Susie?
It's probably the most popular, I'd say.
Yeah. It's definitely the best.
It's my favourite, I'll say that,
and he, Paul, retweeted my Tweet,
which essentially means that he dipped me in rainbows
and threw me to the bigots.
Cos then a lot of people started responding to that.
I got a lot of angry tweets.
One person tweeted me, very, very cross...
Fantastic.
Then immediately replied to themselves...
And this is my favourite one. Somebody tweeted me saying...
Then immediately straight away tweeted themselves back...
Sarah Keyworth, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ASSBLEND, the clue is not a hair in sight.
That's ASSBLEND, not a hair in sight. See you after the break.
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were ASSBLEND,
the clue was not a hair in sight, it was of course baldness.
BOTH: Oh!
OK, before we go on, time for a quick bonus round.
Tonight we have movie director, Richard Ayoade,
and movie buff, Jonathan Ross,
so let's test their knowledge in
the Cats Does Countdown movie quiz, Pulp Fact Or Pulp Fiction?
SHOWBIZ MUSIC PLAYS
The person with the most correct answers get ten bonus points.
Here is your first question. We need this.
Can you tell me the real tag line of
the 1973 double Oscar-nominated thriller, The Day Of The Dolphin?
The Day Of The Dolphin?
I literally could tell you that now.
I bet you could. OK. These are multiple choice anyway,
but I bet you could. OK...
Could be that.
No.
Oh, that's a good one.
Is it C or D?
It can't be that last one, surely.
I literally wrote a section on this in my book, The Grip Of Film.
That's the second time you've failed to do your research, mister.
The first time was Paddington 2, the second time in my oeuvre.
OK, Jonathan, what have you gone for?
C. You've gone for C. We've gone for C.
Richard, what correct answer have you gone for?
It is D. The answer is D.
Here's the beautifully designed poster. Let's have a look.
And it's a double Oscar-nominated film.
For an extra point for us,
can you do a good dolphin impersonation?
HE DOES
You just gave them a point!
Yeah, that is true, that is true.
Question number two in the Pulp Fact or Pulp Fiction quiz.
OK for this one, you need to complete a tag line
for the Jason Statham classic action film Crank, High Voltage.
Love that film. Yeah.
Here's the first part, "He was dead, but he got..." what?
No! No? I would love it if it was though.
I think that would be really good. OK, Jonathan, what have you gone for?
I'm very tempted to go with Maisie's suggestion.
Maisie, tell him your suggestion.
How does it start again?
He was dead but he got...
Pussy. I mean...
Its Jason Statham, so, I mean... I think he still would get it.
Richard Ayoade?
I'd like to say "over it",
but that isn't the answer.
The real answer is "better." I know this.
He was dead but he got better.
It's basically a re-telling of the story of Christ.
You know your terrible cinema. Thank you.
Let's take a look at the poster.
Here's Jason Statham looking double hard.
Jesus. I do remember being a young American person
watching this film, thinking to myself,
"This Jason Statham, he must be what all men in the UK are like."
And I've come here...
And now sitting between Richard Ayoade and me,
I imagine dreams come true. Yeah. Yeah.
AS STATHAM: "What we've gotta do is we've gotta take the motor out."
He does voices!
That's what Paddington should sound like.
Oh, yeah!
This next question,
we're gonna show you a very scary clip.
Take a look at this frightening trailer for a horror movie,
The Lift.
VOICEOVER: Modern technology gave birth to the lift,
But the lift has made itself smarter,
..stronger...
..and deadlier.
MAN SCREAMS
Oh, it's a good film. I know about this film.
OK, all right, let's see. That's a real film?
Yes, it's a good film.
Jonathan, you say you know about this film, you say it's a good film,
but the question is what is the tag line for The Lift?
Richard?
I'm ashamed to say I don't know this one, Jimmy.
If I were doing this I'd say "What goes up must come down."
I'd say "This one's out of order."
Yeah. You're not far off.
"After this, you'll only be taking the stairs,
"on account of lifts feeling frightening."
No, I think it actually is, it says,
"We've told you before, take the stairs,
"take the stairs, take the stairs."
Come on. I'm gonna give you that.
Let's have a look at the truly inspirational tag line which is...
VOICEOVER: Take the stairs.
Take the stairs.
For God's sake, take the stairs.
It's a good film. That's so bad. It's a good film.
Now it's time to test your knowledge of classic movie scenes.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our acting expert, Fabio.
Oh, Fabio.
Fingers on buzzers.
Buzz in when you know what film he is acting from.
Fabio, action.
Oh, my word!
Buzz in when you think you know the answer. BUZZER
Dances With Wolves.
Incorrect, keep going, keep going.
Mrs Doubtfire.
BUZZER Dirty Dancing.
Dirty Dancing is the right answer.
When they dance together. Oh, yeah, when they're going like that.
Fabio, more acting please. Action.
Come on, he's acting, look at him. Look at his acting.
BUZZER What is it?
Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction.
Bastard. Is the correct answer. Yeah.
KEMAH: Wow.
I love how Richard has suddenly got really fiercely competitive.
I'm so... I couldn't find the button then.
Fiercely competitive.
Fabio, action.
BUZZER Basic Instincts.
It is not Basic Instincts. BOTH BUZZERS
Ghost. Ghost is the right answer.
Hold on, she doesn't sit in a chair
stroking a big fucking penis in Ghost!
It's in front her, she's making a bowl there, she's not going...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dirty Dancing doesn't involve
someone dry humping air for 30 seconds.
A round of applause for Fabio.
Yes.
That's the end of that round.
That's ten points to Jonathan.
OK, on with the game.
Jonathan and Maisie, your turn to choose the letters.
A vowel, please. Yeah, good choice.
We'll start with a vowel. You can indeed, E.
And let's have another vowel. Come on, let's be crazy on vowels.
Now I'd like a consonant please.
And now I'd like another consonant, please.
Oh, I don't like that one, particularly,
but I'll go for a vowel now.
Oh. Yeah, good.
Shall we have another consonant? Do it. Let's do it.
Let's have another vowel and two more consonants.
Yes, please.
Gorgeous, thank you.
Your time starts now.
Jonathan, how many?
Four. Four, OK. Maisie?
Yeah, I got four.
Richard.
I'm looking at four.
Kemah?
- I got five. - Wow!
Yes, that's right! Oh, go on, Kemah!
OK, five for the win. Maisie, your four?
Moan.
There's no A.
Jonathan, your four?
Join. Join.
Richard, your four?
Now, I wonder, could you bejoin?
Bejoin. I've got join.
Maybe in the 16th century, I don't think now.
I wish it was the 16th century. Kemah, for the points,
a five-letter word... Jobin.
Oh, Kemah!
When you're doing a job. You're jobin.
You're jobin nine to five.
Yeah. It's not there.
Not there, OK. It's four points to both teams.
Wow. It's something.
Was there anything?
Sarah, Susie could they have done any better?
Yeah, I got one, Susie didn't. I got one.
A biome.
ALL: Oh, biome.
Of course. Biome's up there, yeah. Yeah. Biome.
So at the end of that, Richard and Kemah are in the lead
with 27 points.
Time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
Sarah, what have you got for us?
Well, I just love this show.
I like that it does words, as I love words.
I get very frustrated when people mispronounce words
to the extent that they're saying a completely different word.
The one that upsets me most,
instead of saying specific people say Pacific.
I find it incredibly frustrating.
People tell me to be more Pacific, and I'm like,
"What do you want me to do, wet myself?"
Another one, instead of part and parcel...
The phrase is part and parcel.
Part and partial is the same thing,
that's like saying I'm gonna kick your butt and your buttocks.
This is a good one.
My dad had to have a meeting with his boss
to ask him to stop praising him at work
because his boss was going around telling everyone that my father
had a really good work ethnic.
Oh, no! Yeah.
He had to be like, "Please, don't spread that around."
The problem is as well, the worst part is
I live with one of these people who can't speak properly,
or as I like to call them, cucking funts.
My girlfriend has absolutely no grasp on common idioms
and phrases, but she knows that they exist,
so she just makes them up.
Like the other day, she was talking about work,
and she said that she definitely thinks
that she's closed the most deals at work,
but her colleague John is coming up her rear.
John, if you're watching, stop it.
Another one she said, I heard her in a work meeting,
she was on Zoom and she said, "If we want to meet this deadline,
"we really need to get this boat on the road."
Boat on the road.
And I asked her, what she thought that that was in reference to,
and she said she thought it was when, you know when you see
a boat on the back of a truck.
And I said to her, "Well, how many times have you seen that?"
And she said she didn't think she ever had.
A few more of her classic phrases...
I think that's a Snoop album, isn't it?
Like a bulldozer in a China shop.
And then finally, in an argument she said to me,
she said, "If you can't handle me at my worst,
"then you can't handle the truth."
Which roughly translates to "I'm the worst."
Sarah Keyworth, everyone.
And here is the final teaser.
The words are MOISTPIE, the clue is make the most of it.
That's MOISTPIE, make the most of it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser
the words were MOISTPIE,
the clue was make the most of it.
It was of course OPTIMISE.
OK, our final letters game. Richard, Kemah, your turn to choose.
It's all to play for.
OK, may I please have a vowel, madam?
An A.
May I have a consonant, please?
Oh, come on. So far, so good. Yeah.
And may I have another consonant, please?
Yes. And may I have a vowel, please?
May I have another vowel, please?
And may I have a consonant, please?
And another consonant, please.
May I have another vowel, please?
- Your last letter is an O. - Oh, it wasn't what we wanted.
And your time starts now.
Sorry about that, Susie, it's just they're shit.
Richard, how many? Five.
Kemah? Six.
Jonathan?
Six, but I very nearly got an eight because I nearly
found clitoris in there,
but not for the first time it has eluded me.
How many? Six you're going for, OK. Maisie?
Six. OK.
Sorry, seven. Oh! Can I change mine to a seven?
It's a seven, it's a seven,
I'm sorry, it is a seven, It hadn't been called.
Get your stinking eyes off mine. I have seven as well.
Seven, I've got a seven. You don't.
Kemah, your six.
Inspired by the stars, it's astral.
Astral. Jonathan, your six?
Trials. Trials.
I mean, not as good as astral but it's something.
Maisie, your six.
Tiaras.
Richard, your seven.
Coastal.
Oh, nicely done. Oh!
Coastal. Coastal.
Richard Ayoade there. Yes, you stop it.
- Wow. - Yeah, that's good.
Right.
That was seven points to Richard.
That's good, that's good.
You earned that.
Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better?
Coralitas?
What sorry? I dunno.
Pink flowered climbing vines native to Mexico and the Caribbean.
ALL: Coralitas.
Oh, Coralitas. Sure.
So, Jonathan and Maisie have 21, Richard and Kemah have 34.
Yes! Wow. Fingers on buzzers.
Hold it, can we still win? How many points are at stake here?
I'll tell you what I'll do to make things interesting... Mate, I've never won.
It's ten points for the Conundrum if you get it right.
If you get it in the first 15 seconds I'll double that to 20 points.
Why is it so far away? Don't take this away from me!
Jonathan, we've gotta get this. Your time starts
for the crucial Countdown Conundrum, now.
BUZZER Jonathan.
Wallpaper.
After three seconds, let's see if he's right.
Oh, stop it. Jonathan, I think you've done it.
- Who is this man? - Come on!
CHEERING
Brutal.
Congratulations to Jonathan and Maisie.
You're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown piano.
Thanks to all our finalists,
our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
A Vic Reeves painting has come to life!
That's it from us. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media