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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

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Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats
Does Countdown -

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Sarah Millican,

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Joe Wilkinson,

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Tom Allen,

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Rosie Jones,

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Mr Swallow,

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Susie Dent,

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Rachel Riley

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and your host, Jimmy Carr!

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CHEERING

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Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of
Ten Cats Does Countdown,

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a show about letters,
numbers, and conundrums.

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This is like normal Countdown
except we don't have

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to play by the rules,
so I can do stuff like this.

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Did you struggle to hit
that at first?

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I was going to go in there.

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I love that you noticed that.

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It's just, you really hit the side
and I thought, aw.

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This is how you actually do it.

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Let's meet tonight's players.

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First up, its guest team captain,
Sarah Millican!

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CHEERING

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Thanks, hi!

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Sarah has spoken onstage about
her IBS, so she's unique

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amongst comedians in that she
doesn't just have funny bones,

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she's also got a funny tummy.

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And Sarah's team-mate, Tom Allen.

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CHEERING

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You might recognise Tom from
his previous work as host

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of Bake Off Professionals,

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or as the default profile
picture on Twitter.

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Up against them this evening, its
guest team captain Joe Wilkinson!

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CHEERING

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Joe Wilkinson, who says dirty, hippy
blokes aren't sexy?

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Women. Women say that.

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And joining Joe tonight,
it's Rosie Jones!

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CHEERING

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When Rosie's on television,
I don't see a disabled person,

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and that's because I don't watch
anything she's in.

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That's so harsh!

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Well, that must mean that you
don't watch TV then,

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cos I'm on everything.

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Sarah, what were you like
as a teenager?

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Very similar to this, really,

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just smaller boobs, bigger glasses.

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But it was the '80s,
so glasses were a lot bigger anyway.

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I once fell off me bike

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and we had to get Autoglass out
just to repair a chip.

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That's not true,
I couldn't ride a bike.

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Can you genuinely not ride a bike?

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No. I had an imaginary library,
Jimmy, and I had to keep that tidy.

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It wasn't imaginary, the books were
real, but nobody came.

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Tom.  Yes?
Now, you're turning 40 soon.

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I know. I can't believe it either.

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How will you be celebrating?

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Well, you know what, Jimmy,

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I've always seen myself
as an older man trapped inside

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a younger man. Not literally.

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But as I get into my 40s,
I might start getting younger.

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I'm hoping I might perhaps
take up DJing,

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maybe I'll graff
up a children's park.

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But knowing me, I'll probably end up
just setting up my own business,

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making scented candles.

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What is your signature scent?

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Sandalwood and sort of incense.

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Have you ever smelt
the inside of a tennis ball?

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SARAH:  No, why would I have?
Why did you cut it open?

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Mwah.

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The cup you keep your toothbrush in,
worst smell in the world.

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What cup?

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"What cup"?

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Yours is just on
a loose bit of string?

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I just take it off the first guy.

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That was always my favourite thing,
when, when I used to live

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in a shared house, I would always
come into the communal kitchen

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and go, "Has anyone seen
our toothbrush?"

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I'm the same, but with vibrators.

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The idea of you living in a shared
house is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

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Like a house full of robots?

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Rosie, it says here you're
a doctor now. Tell us more.

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I got it for, like,

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being famous

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and dribbling,

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and telling people that

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I am an actual doctor,

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and if they want me to,

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I will perform surgery on them

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as long as they pay me

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in lager and chips.

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Joe, do you find it easy
to make new friends?

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Yeah. I'm very good at starting
conversations with strangers.

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Or even if they're clearly
in a hurry.

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I'll give you an example.

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Like, someone's leaving their house,
I might go up to them

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and, as an ice breaker,
I'll say, "That's where you live."

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Or... Oh, yeah - if someone's
smoking I might ask for a light,

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but I don't smoke, personally,
so I'll either light a candle...

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..or I'll start a bin fire,

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and then we can chat about that
until they put it out.

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OK. Rosie, have you
got a mascot with you?

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Yes.  Excellent.

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I've got a very busy

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and high-flying lifestyle,

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so, to keep awake and alert,

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I've tried all the drugs.

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All of them.

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No effect.

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Apart from speed
made me able-bodied.

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So I thought I can't have that,

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cos I wouldn't have a career.

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But I've nailed it,

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it's what keeps me alert
and sprightly -

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juice.

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Juice?

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Juice.

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I've got all the juice

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and it works.

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But one bit of juice, I'm hooked.

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So I've started an
underground business.

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What I do is I give out

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a little bit of free juice,

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and then you get hooked,

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and then you come back
to Daddy for more.

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I've got a special one for Tom.

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Oh, that doesn't look like
it would stain.

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Are you ready to get hooked?

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Oh, my God!

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How is it so bitter?

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Down it!  Fucking Nora!

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I've never had something so bitter.
And I'm, I mean, have you met me?

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CHEERING

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Juice!

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Juice!  OK. Tom, have you got a
mascot? What have you got?

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Jimmy, yes, I've actually been
getting very into gardening lately,

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I've started to really enjoy it.

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So I've brought down some of
my gardening equipment.

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I thought I'd put that on the desk.

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And this as well,
because I'd like to be able

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to say I'm just sat here,
chilling with my HOES.

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And - I thought that was very good -

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and what I've found is I
have to go out

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because I have a terrible problem
with slugs.

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And what they do is,

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they attach themselves to my bush,

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and I have to go out late at night,

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padding around in the bushes
with a torch,

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like some sort of gay in the 1970s,

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except the only thing getting sucked
off is my hydrangeas.

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OK.

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Sarah, have you got a mascot?

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Every time I'm on this programme,
I'm not very good at it.

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I'm not.

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So I thought, maybe some kind
of confidence-boosting compliments

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might be a nice thing?
Oh, that's a good idea.

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So I bought this mirror that gives
you compliments.

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Now, it looks quite old-fashioned,

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but it's really quite modern,

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cos it gives you
a compliment when you look into it.

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Are you ready for...?  Yeah, sure.

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See if I can perform a bit better on
this show. So, this is...

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VOICEOVER:  Wow, Sarah, you look
really bonny and dead clever.

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It's quite good, isn't it?
Really bonny and dead clever.

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In, like, a really alluring,

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sexy, Geordie accent, as well,
I thought.

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Could I have a go? Would it work?
Yeah. I mean, yeah sure.

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Careful Tom, pass it carefully.

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Yeah, I won't look at it,
I won't look.

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COMPUTER VOICE:  I'm sorry,
no face detected.

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Thanks.

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Joe, have you got a mascot?

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I've had a bit of a mare recently
cos I broke my mug tree.

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How did you break it?
Absolutely none of your business.

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So, yeah, I get a bit down if
I haven't got a decent mug tree,

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so I went, I tried to buy one,
but they don't sell them anywhere.

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Don't sell them any more.
It's mental.

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So then I had to make my own,

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so, the only way I could think
of doing it is I bought

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a load of male sex dolls
and I took the groins off.

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What, sorry?

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Think about it, Jimmy,
how would you make a mug tree?

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I took the groins off four sex dolls

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and I nailed them to a fencing post.

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Right, OK, all right, OK.
Do you know what...?

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CHEERING

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TOM:  Wow.

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I'll be honest with you,
I'm not that happy about it.

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I'll tell you why, cos you have to,

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you have to squeeze...

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..you have to squeeze the...

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To get it on, and, yeah, honestly,

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who's going to put their Jubilee mug
on that? I don't want to.

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But they don't sell them any more,
don't sell them any more, so.

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I believe you can buy mug trees
on Amazon.

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Oh.

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What a waste of penises.

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OK, I'm going to get rid of
it then.

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Fabio, can you take away the...?

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Take away the cup...

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Don't pull it by its penis, please.

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That's really drawn your eye
there, Rachel.

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They follow you round the room,
don't they?

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Joe Wilkinson everyone.

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CHEERING

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And over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Mr Swallow.

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CHEERING

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Mr Swallow, what have you been up
to since we last saw you?

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00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,160
Um, not much, to be honest.

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I did recently find out that
I'm, erm...

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Not Vegan, what's the other one?
Erm, psychic.

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And very, very, very,
very quick demo,

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a very quick demo, cos
I know we haven't got long,

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but, Jimmy, just say the first -
I don't know - first country

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that comes to your head, after the
count of three. One, two, three.

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00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,000
Brazil.  Brazil.

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00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,560
I don't know how...
I don't know how. Honestly.

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00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,880
Do you want to do it again?
We can do it again.

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00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,960
Any word, any word that comes
to mind, after the count of three.

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00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,960
One, two, three.

220
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,920
Banana.  Banana.

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00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,360
Don't know how. I don't know how.

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00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,200
And with Mr Swallow, of course,
it's Susie Dent!

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00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,280
CHEERING

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00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:35,040
Over the years, Susie has introduced
us to words such as gandleflanker,

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00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,320
scurryfunge and thunderplump.

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00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,720
What would we do without her?

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00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,960
You know what, I think we'd manage.

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00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,040
Susie, are there any words that
sound absolutely filthy,

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00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,080
but they aren't?  Um, yes.

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I told you about one of my
favourites, which is cummingtonite.

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It's a mineral which was founded
or discovered, in Cummington.

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00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,600
But it is Cummingtonite.

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Get Joe's mascot back and
we might all be.

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00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,600
But there are lots of others
and I love them because

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00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,600
the definitions are
just as euphemistic. Wankapin.

236
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,040
What, sorry?  A wankapin.

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00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,520
Great definition again,

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00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,280
a flowering plant in
the central American wetlands.

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Which is what I call my vagina.

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00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,160
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!

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00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,160
CHEERING

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00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,640
Anything embarrassing happen
to you lately, Rachel?

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00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,080
Well, on the way up, I got the train

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00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,640
and as I was sitting there,
the next stop,

245
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:36,800
a little old lady got on.

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00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,840
She put the case down and she finds
a place to sit next to me

247
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,360
and she got her tablet out,
she put her headphones in

248
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,400
and she pressed play on her
audiobook she'd been listening to.

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00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:48,440
And she didn't realise that she
hadn't actually plugged it in,

250
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,640
and it was just at the moment where

251
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,920
the girl got her hands grabbed
behind her back at the wrist,

252
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,320
and she was bent over something,

253
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,280
and she was listening
to old granny porn.

254
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,920
And everyone on the train could
listen to it, because I had to

255
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,840
give her the end of her cable
and pass it to her.

256
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:05,960
Where did she get off?

257
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,120
I'm trying to work out
a pun train station,

258
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,960
but fuck it, let's move on.
SUSIE:  Staines.  Staines?

259
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,600
ALL GROAN
Stop it, Susie!

260
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:20,840
Susie!  Horrible!

261
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,400
SARAH:  That's amazing.

262
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,160
OK, the prize that teams will be
competing for tonight is this,

263
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,480
the Countdown Jazz Band Kit.

264
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,400
CHEERING

265
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,760
FREE JAZZ BLAST

266
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,080
CHEERING

267
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,040
Never had a lesson.

268
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,960
OK, let's Countdown, everyone,
time for our first game.

269
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,920
Sarah, Tom, you get the first
pick of the letters.

270
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,000
Cor, here we go.

271
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,120
Consonant, please.

272
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,440
Thank you, Tom.  Pleasure, treasure.

273
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:03,480
N

274
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,480
And then a vowel, I think a vowel.

275
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:07,640
A

276
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,120
And then another consonant.

277
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,160
S

278
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,880
And then another consonant.

279
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:12,920
T

280
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,040
A vowel, please.

281
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,120
U

282
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,160
A consonant, please.

283
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,200
M

284
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,320
And then another consonant.

285
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:19,360
D

286
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,400
A vowel, please.

287
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:21,440
A

288
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,480
A consonant, please.

289
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,520
And lastly...

290
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,560
R

291
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,320
OK, and your time starts now.

292
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,000
Ooh, look at this.

293
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,880
Lovely.

294
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,960
I made a little plasticine version
of me. Good, isn't it?

295
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,760
Nice.  Yeah.

296
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,720
I've done one of everyone, cos
I had ages, I had, like, 30 seconds.

297
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,800
Yeah, yeah.  So I've done me,
I've done Sarah.

298
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,160
Aw.

299
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,040
TOM:  Oh, that's good!

300
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,680
It's quite nice, isn't it?
It's quite sassy.

301
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:16,880
Ooh, it's very lifelike.

302
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:20,920
I've done Rosie.

303
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,400
Which I think you'll...

304
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,680
Oh!

305
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,800
Pretty good.

306
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,240
Isn't she sexy?

307
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,160
I've done Tom.

308
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,520
Not OK!

309
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,800
Look at that, there he is.

310
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,000
Ooh, I hope he doesn't
fall off that bit.

311
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,280
Be a disaster, wouldn't it, we'd
never get him back together again.

312
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:46,880
Well, unless somebody knows
the king's men.

313
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,640
And then I've done Joe as well.

314
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,480
I think it's quite lifelike,
I think you'll like this.

315
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:51,560
There you go.

316
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,480
You've done me from underneath.

317
00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,440
I'm going to hand these out.

318
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,000
Pass that along, will you?  Thanks.

319
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,440
Lovely. There you go, there's yours.

320
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:03,560
Aw, that's so...

321
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,120
It's got pubes in it, hold on.

322
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,640
SARAH:  Oh, Jesus Christ!

323
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,000
It's got "some" pubes in it?

324
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,200
Apologies about the smell,
that's, erm...

325
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,000
Joe's one's actually made from shit.

326
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,560
Shall we kiss?

327
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:20,920
Mwwaah!

328
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,040
What's happening?

329
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:25,760
OK, Sarah, how many letters?

330
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,560
Seven.  Seven? Excellent.

331
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,920
I know! I'm surprised as well.

332
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,160
Tom, how many?  Seven.

333
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,200
Joe, how many?

334
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,080
Four, or a risky two.

335
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:41,000
Rosie?  I think I got six.

336
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,280
What's your four?  RUST.

337
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,360
Yes!

338
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,040
OK. Rosie, your six?

339
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,080
DRAMAS

340
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,360
DRAMAS. Tom, your seven.

341
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,880
Well, I feel like it's
a bit sexist, but DUSTMAN.

342
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,080
Can I have that?
You can, yeah, all one word.

343
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:01,000
I mean, anybody can be
a dust operative.  Exactly.

344
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,600
Sarah, your seven?

345
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,960
MUSTARD.  MUSTARD.

346
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,720
"A man's turd."

347
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:12,760
SARAH:  Well done!

348
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,840
Mr Swallow, Susie,
could they have done any better?

349
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,160
Yeah, seven's top. Well done.

350
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,000
OK, so, Joe, Rosie, you're to pick
the numbers. Go on.

351
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:28,680
Oh, can we get one
of them really big ones?

352
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,400
100, please.

353
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,760
A really big one.

354
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,880
WHISPERING:  Ask for a 10.

355
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,800
Can we get a 10?

356
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,120
A 5.
A 5?

357
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,840
Hang on, got one more shot,
one more shot.

358
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,600
One's good, a one's good.

359
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,560
CHEERING

360
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,600
That one! That one.

361
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,880
You've got a 10...

362
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,520
Yes!  Yes!  We're in here.

363
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,360
6, 5.
Yes.

364
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,120
5.
Great.

365
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,800
7.
Yes.

366
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,480
100.
Yes!

367
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,720
OK, here we go.

368
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,720
So, your target is 634.

369
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,800
Shit, this is doable, this is
doable.  Your time starts...

370
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:07,360
..now.

371
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,720
This is doable.

372
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,280
Knickers!

373
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,200
So, the target was 634.

374
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,240
Joe?  633.

375
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,880
633? You're one away, OK.

376
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,520
I think I got 635.

377
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,520
OK, did you get it...?
In my head.  Sure.

378
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,240
Sarah, did you get it?
No, I'm one away.

379
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,760
Tom?  637.

380
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,200
So, Sarah, how did you get it?

381
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,520
6 x 100 = 600

382
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,280
7 x 5 = 35

383
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,720
= 635

384
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:04,960
10 ÷ 5 = 2

385
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,400
= 633

386
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,400
I couldn't get any closer than
633 or 635.

387
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,520
Yeah, one away, well done.
ROSIE:  I did that!

388
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,120
APPLAUSE

389
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,920
Sorry? What now, Rosie?

390
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,240
I did that in my head.

391
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,480
Do you believe me?

392
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,560
Nope.

393
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:28,120
Well, I couldn't write quick enough

394
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,760
cos I've got cerebral palsy.

395
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,280
Well done, well done.

396
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,040
You're the only person who can shout
out "I've got cerebral palsy"

397
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,240
and everybody goes, ha-ha!

398
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:44,240
Joe, did you write it down?
You were one away, right?

399
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,480
100 plus 5 - that's 105, Rachel.

400
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,200
Yep. Thanks, Joe.

401
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,800
Times it by six. Good luck.

402
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,480
She's totally out of her depth.

403
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,080
It's around about 630.

404
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,560
+ 10

405
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,960
= 640.

406
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,960
- 7

407
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,600
That is 633, Rachel.

408
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,040
Yep, it is.  Correct.

409
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,480
APPLAUSE
Seven points for both teams.

410
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,200
Rachel, you had one job.

411
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,840
You could've said...

412
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,760
100 - 10 = 90

413
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,320
x 7 = 630

414
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,280
+ 5 + 5 - 6

415
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:22,760
Just noise.

416
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,720
APPLAUSE

417
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,040
And here is your teaser.
The words are SEMI TOUR,

418
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,760
the clue is, it's gone all soggy.

419
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,800
That's SEMI TOUR,
it's gone all soggy.

420
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,200
See you after the break.

421
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,880
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -

422
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,360
The words were SEMI TOUR,
the clue was, it's gone all soggy.

423
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,800
It was, of course, MOISTURE.

424
00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,800
Of course it was.  Oh.

425
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,600
So, Sarah and Tom are in the lead.

426
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,320
Time for another letters game.

427
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:05,040
Joe, Rosie, your turn to pick.

428
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,160
Consonant please.  Yeah.
Thanks, Joe.

429
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:08,200
W

430
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,000
A T would be good. Vowel.  Yeah.

431
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,040
I

432
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,640
A consonant. I'm trying to spell a
word, otherwise I'm buggered. Yes!

433
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:14,720
N

434
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,160
A consonant. D, a D, a D...

435
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:17,520
R

436
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,160
Consonant, please.

437
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,200
S

438
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,640
Yes! A vowel, go on.

439
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:22,680
E

440
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,360
Yes!

441
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,680
Oh, an N.
LAUGHTER

442
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:27,840
C

443
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,360
Vowel, a vowel.  Vowel.

444
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:30,440
A

445
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,320
Consonant.
I've just written my name down.

446
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:33,360
L

447
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,840
TV doesn't pay what it used to,
so I've taken another job.

448
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,040
All right, your time starts...now.

449
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,880
Who ordered a pizza?

450
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,400
Did you order a pizza?

451
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,160
I've got pizza, pizzas.

452
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,960
Is this how you would work if you
worked for a delivery company?

453
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,520
Giving them away as well?

454
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,200
Ooh, one each.  That's right.

455
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,560
JOE:  Jimmy, how are you making
that look weird?

456
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,760
TOM:  That looks so uncomfortable.

457
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,560
SARAH:  Look how low down he is!

458
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,600
Yeah, yeah.

459
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,200
Jimmy, it looks like
the saddle's gone inside you.

460
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,040
I've never felt better.

461
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:04,800
Oh, how many you got?

462
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,640
Pizzas? One each.  Tom, how many?

463
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,640
I've got five. I feel pathetic.
Five. Rosie?

464
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,080
I think six.

465
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,040
JOE, UNDER HIS BREATH:
Two, three, four, five...

466
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,800
Joe, how many?  Six, I think.

467
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,320
Sarah?  Six.

468
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,200
Six?  Yeah.

469
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:20,400
I'm quite pissed off.

470
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,480
Go on, how so?

471
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,440
Mine's weird.

472
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,440
I think yours has got
Nutella on it.

473
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:26,720
Why?!

474
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,400
Try it, it's delicious,
a chocolate-spread pizza.

475
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,080
Go on, try it.

476
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,440
Fucking hell, that's lovely.

477
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,240
ROSIE:  Do you want mine?

478
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,360
Oh, go on, then.

479
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:39,720
TEASING:  Ah, ah...!

480
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:41,280
Choo-choo!

481
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,160
Is this going to...?

482
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:48,720
Right, get ready for some sexiness.

483
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,960
Ah, ah...!

484
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,360
I don't know if it's you or
the cerebral palsy.

485
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,280
CHEERING
TOM: It looked sexy.

486
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,920
What's your five-letter word?

487
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,720
Mine's pathetic, LACES.

488
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,240
Sarah, your six?  WINCES.

489
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:17,600
WINCERS or WINCES?

490
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:18,880
WINCES.  WINCES, yeah.

491
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,480
Oh, no. Oh, yeah!

492
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,400
Ah, shit.

493
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,360
Joe, your six?

494
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:29,840
SCALER

495
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,320
SCALER's in for six.  SCALER's in!

496
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,280
Yeah.  Rosie, your six?

497
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:39,560
Well, I, annoyingly, also
have WINCES.

498
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,600
Did you write it down though,
or not?

499
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:49,080
But when we got the pizza,

500
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:53,240
I went for SLICER.

501
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,560
Oh, that's very good.
APPLAUSE

502
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,560
JOE:  Wonderful, wonderful.
Slicer.

503
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,040
Didn't we get
we get the pizza after the...?

504
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,640
Sarah, shut the fuck up!

505
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,920
Go on, cry, cry.  Wah!

506
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,440
OK, six points to both teams!

507
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,360
APPLAUSE

508
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,920
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, could they
have done any better?

509
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,960
Yes. Well, another seven,
quite a fun one, ARSENIC.

510
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:30,240
And then an eight.
I actually... Is that CARLINES?

511
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,360
Yes. They are thistle-like plants.

512
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,040
OK, at the end of that,
Joe and Rosie have 13 points,

513
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,720
Sarah and Tom have are
ahead with 20.

514
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,280
APPLAUSE

515
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,920
Now time for Sarah and Joe
to go head-to-head.

516
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,480
Sarah, your turn to pick
the numbers.

517
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,000
I'm going to say two big ones,

518
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,000
please, Rachel.

519
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,680
5, 2, 4...
JOE:  Yeah, 25, 4, 15...

520
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,280
..25...

521
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:54,200
Yes! We're in with a chance guys.
..and 100.

522
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,440
And the target...

523
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,240
Easy, 236.  Yes!  Oh, well, let's see.

524
00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,160
Your time starts now.

525
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:00,280
This could happen.

526
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,040
Oh, God,
I'm destined to do crap at this.

527
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,720
Well, someone's had a panic attack.

528
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,280
Joe, talk us through your
mental crisis.

529
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,040
I thought it was going to be easy
and it wasn't.

530
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:39,400
Joe, say it's all in there,
in your head.

531
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,640
Yeah, I've done it, you're just
going to have to trust me.

532
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:47,240
But you think you've got it?

533
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:48,320
And, Sarah, have you got it?

534
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,760
I'm one away. Always one away.

535
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,040
Well, I'm one away as well.
No, no. No.

536
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:54,800
Then you do it, you tell us
how you did it, Joe.

537
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:57,160
100 + 5

538
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,400
ROSIE:  Yeah.

539
00:28:58,440 --> 00:28:59,760
Is 110.

540
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:01,240
No, it's not.

541
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,720
I mean, do you know what it is?

542
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,800
I think it's 105, Joe.  Correct.

543
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:10,280
x 2

544
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:11,360
= 210

545
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,360
And then, what's left?

546
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:16,480
25 and a 1, Joe.

547
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:17,920
Oh, + 20!

548
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:21,720
Erm, x 25.

549
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,560
What? No!

550
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:25,160
No!

551
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,040
Then + 25. I'm one away, one away.

552
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:32,320
Oh, + 1

553
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,120
CHEERING

554
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,360
Ten points to Joe.

555
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,600
So, can you just can you just fumble
your way through it after

556
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,240
the music's stopped?
Is that a thing, is it?

557
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:45,680
That's my whole sex life.

558
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:51,320
Are you doing musical chairs
but with your cock?

559
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:53,440
In a manner of speaking, yeah, sure.

560
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:55,120
So, Sarah and Tom have 20.

561
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,400
Joe and Rosie have 23.

562
00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:59,720
Yeah!

563
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,560
OK, time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.

564
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:07,520
Mr Swallow,
what have you got for us?

565
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:08,920
Yes, thank you, Jimmy.

566
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,880
So, since first appearing on
this show,

567
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,680
which I must say, by the way,
I am eternally grateful for,

568
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,400
but I still don't really know
what it is,

569
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,800
A lot of people have sort of got in
contact to ask about

570
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,680
some of the memory demonstrations
I've done on the shows in the past,

571
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:26,080
like memorising
a deck of playing cards,

572
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,360
memorising the Wagamama menu
and so on.

573
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,680
And the truth is,

574
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,960
a lot of these techniques are
very straightforward

575
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,920
to learn if you put,
you know, the time in.

576
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,040
I mean, technically,
even a young child should be able

577
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,720
to master some of
the basic techniques.

578
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:41,280
Especially if that young child has
spent the best part of their life

579
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:42,920
in with you, in lockdown.

580
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:46,040
So, without further ado,
I would like to introduce you

581
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,320
to my protege and professional
lookalike - ladies and gentlemen,

582
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,320
it's Master Swallow!

583
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,360
MUSIC: Theme from Jurassic Park

584
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,440
Aw, there we go, yeah.

585
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,160
No, don't be fooled,
He's actually in his early 70s.

586
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,120
So, are you all right?

587
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:12,600
Do you want another energy drink?
You all right?

588
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,560
Yeah, I'm fine thanks.  Yeah,
you don't have to do the voice.

589
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:19,760
You're doing great.

590
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,120
Don't show me up.

591
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:22,840
Now, erm, so, look -

592
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,920
what we've got here are some
animal flash cards.

593
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:29,640
There are loads here, I think
there's about 60 - 50, 60 of these.

594
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,600
And can you be...?
I going to mix them a bit more now,

595
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,720
but can you be honest, Susie?
You've examined these,

596
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:35,920
you've been mixing these yourself
as well.  I have.

597
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:39,320
Cos I don't... Its very, very
important for everyone to realise,

598
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,280
especially people in
the audience and people at home,

599
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:45,480
that this is, if it works,
is real. If it works, OK?

600
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,600
If it don't work, then its fake.

601
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,120
So, Master Swallow,
are you listening? Hello?

602
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:54,480
I'm going to read out whatever
random order these animals are in,

603
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:57,480
OK, and whatever order they're in,

604
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,760
Master Swallow, after I've done it,
is going to try and attempt

605
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,080
to recall them, but in reverse
order, OK? So, here we go.

606
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,280
Are you listening?

607
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:08,440
Yeah? Yeah, OK.
Here we go, you're doing great.

608
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,560
OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish,

609
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,080
mantis shrimp, wolf,

610
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,560
rhino, ground sqwiwwel... Squirrel.

611
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,480
Crested gecko, scorpion, sailfish,

612
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,720
cheetah, peregrine falcon, tiger,

613
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:21,440
honey bee, jareff... Jareff?

614
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:23,360
Giraffe.

615
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,640
Saiga antelope -
don't know what that is -

616
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,680
okapi, echidna, great grey owl,

617
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,160
kiwi, eagle, wombat,

618
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,120
earthworm, aardvark, firefly, lemur,

619
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,920
peacock, pufferfish, squid,

620
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,360
skunk, snow leopard -
some of these are upside down -

621
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:38,880
stick insect, zebra,

622
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:40,960
egg-eating snake, giant panda.

623
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,800
Listening? Going in? Yeah.

624
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,640
Blue whale, sea turtle, crab,

625
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:46,040
armadillo, beaver,

626
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,560
great white shark, hippo, mandril,

627
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:50,200
flamingo, chameleon, penguin,

628
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:51,880
meerkat, sea otter, lion,

629
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:53,560
tree frog, howler monkey,

630
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:54,800
elephant, sloth,

631
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:55,920
jaguar, orang-utan, dolphin,

632
00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,160
puffin, walrus, albatross, koala.

633
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,120
Now, in reverse order,
Master Swallow,

634
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,320
what was the last line I said?

635
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:06,080
Koala.  Yeah, OK.

636
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,520
I mean, that's the easiest one,
so don't... You know, don't.

637
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,560
And then what did I say before that?

638
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,320
Albatross.  Yeah, and then what?

639
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:14,720
Walrus.  Yeah, and then what?

640
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:15,960
Puffin.  Yes, and then what?

641
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,960
Dolphin.  Yes.
Orang-utan.  Orang-utan, yeah.

642
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:19,960
Jaguar.  Yes.  Sloth.  Yes.

643
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,960
Elephant.  Yes.
Howler monkey.  Yes.

644
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,160
Tree frog.  Yes.  Lion.  Yes.

645
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:25,880
Sea otter.  Correct.

646
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,360
Meerkat.  Yes.  Penguin.  Yes.

647
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,160
Chameleon.  Yes.

648
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:31,680
Flamingo.  Very good.

649
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:34,040
Mandrill.  Yes.  Hippo.  Yes.

650
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,520
Great white shark.  Yes.

651
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:38,280
Beaver.  Yeah.

652
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,760
Armadillo.  Yes.  Crab.  Yes.

653
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:43,000
Sea turtle.  Yes.  Blue whale.  Yes.

654
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:44,120
Giant panda.  Yes.

655
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,800
Egg-eating snake.  Yes.

656
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,000
Zebra.  Yes.  Stick insect.  Correct.

657
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:49,680
Snow leopard.  Yeah.

658
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:51,200
Just stop a sec -
do the next three in a row

659
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,440
so people don't think you can see.
What are the next three?

660
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,440
Skunk, squid, pufferfish.

661
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,200
Skunk, squid, pufferfish - yeah.

662
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:02,920
Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark,
earthworm.  Yes.

663
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,600
Wombat.  Yes.

664
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:08,480
Eagle, kiwi, great grey owl.
Correct.

665
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:09,520
Echidna.  Yes.

666
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:13,160
Okapi, saiga antelope,
giraffe, honeybee.  Yes.

667
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:15,920
Tiger.  Yes.  Peregrine falcon.  Yes.

668
00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:17,920
Cheetah.  Yes.

669
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,080
Sailfish.  Pardon?

670
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:21,600
Sailfish.  Correct.

671
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:23,920
Scor...
LAUGHTER

672
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:24,960
Do it again, love.

673
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,000
Scorpion.  Yes.

674
00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:28,960
Crested gecko.  Yes.

675
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,320
Ground squirrel.  Yes.

676
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:31,680
Rhino.  Yes.

677
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,160
Wolf.  Very good.

678
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,480
Mantis shrimp.  Yes.

679
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:37,720
Jellyfish.  Yes.

680
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:38,960
Crocodile.  Yes.

681
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,640
Camel.  The first one.

682
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:42,440
CHEERING

683
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,200
Wow. Wow!

684
00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:59,480
Mr Swallow, can I ask,
how old is that child?

685
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:03,000
That child, I believe is...

686
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,640
Ah, he can't remember, can he?

687
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:07,760
..six years and three quarters or
something like...?

688
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,640
Are you six and three quarters?
Six and a half.

689
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:14,360
Oh, six and a half is not as
impressive, I thought he was six.

690
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,040
That's incredible.

691
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,320
BREAKING CHARACTER:  This is my
real son, Finn.

692
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:19,880
AUDIENCE:  Aw!

693
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:21,160
You did brilliant, love.

694
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:25,200
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

695
00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:27,440
Who thought it wasn't his real son?

696
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:33,040
Who's out there going,
"Wow, those two get along"?

697
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:34,880
"They must just be mates."

698
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,440
Mr Swallow, everyone. And Master
Swallow.  And Master Swallow!

699
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:39,200
CHEERING

700
00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:41,560
MUSIC: Them from Jurassic Park

701
00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:50,960
I'm not as proud of my achievements
tonight as I should be.

702
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:52,920
We came up with a seven-letter word.

703
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:57,400
I don't want to be... I don't want
to big shot this or whatever,

704
00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,120
but my kid can burp on command.

705
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,760
I like the fact that, by comparison,

706
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:07,040
Rachel now looks like
a bloody idiot.

707
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,480
OK, and here is your teaser.

708
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,640
The words are ARSE NUTS,
the clue is, slowly does it.

709
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,760
That's ARSE NUTS, slowly does it.

710
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,120
See you after the break.

711
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,320
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,

712
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:34,880
the words were ARSE NUTS,
the clue was, slowly does it.

713
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,480
It was, of course, SAUNTERS.

714
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:38,600
Oh!
OK, time for another letters game.

715
00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:40,440
Rosie and Tom are going head-to-head

716
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:41,560
and we're going to up the stakes.

717
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,560
We're playing for
double points in...

718
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:45,840
..the lightning round.

719
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:47,520
THUNDERCLAP

720
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:53,640
Rosie, Tom - you've both been fitted
with electric shock machines.

721
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:55,680
At any stage, you may be shocked.

722
00:36:55,720 --> 00:36:57,400
Oh, no.  We'll just test these.

723
00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:00,000
It's just always where
I'm going to piss myself.

724
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,320
OK, Tom, you ready?  Yeah.
Brace yourself.  OK.  Yeah?  Yeah.

725
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:05,720
Aargh!

726
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:07,640
I'm sorry about that, that was...

727
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:09,760
We fitted you with one by mistake.
Yeah.

728
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:13,320
This round is just for
Rosie and Tom.

729
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,320
Aargh!

730
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:19,160
Oh, I enjoyed that.

731
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:21,240
Aargh!

732
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:25,920
Aargh!

733
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:27,520
Oh, it tickles!

734
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,360
It tickles my nipples.

735
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:33,760
I'm going to test these one more
time then we're playing,

736
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,360
OK, so, Tom's works.  Aargh!
Tom's works.

737
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,640
Whoa! Ooooh!

738
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:39,920
Wow.

739
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:41,240
Aargh!

740
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,840
Do you not do it to me
because of my IBS?

741
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:49,160
Yes, it is a...
That's what I thought.

742
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:52,640
It's just, after last time,
with the whole clean-up operation.

743
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,520
Right, there's double points up
for grabs in this round.

744
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:57,120
So, Tom, go ahead, pick the letters.

745
00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:58,920
Consonant, please.

746
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:00,440
G

747
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,960
A vowOOWWWW! Please.

748
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:08,840
A consonant, PLEASE!

749
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,320
N

750
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:12,480
A vowel, please. Ugh!

751
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:13,520
Jimmy!

752
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:14,760
O

753
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:15,920
Uh...

754
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:19,840
JOE:  Say it quickly.
Con... Consonantplease!

755
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:21,200
B

756
00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:22,760
Go, nob.
ROSIE:  Oh!

757
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:26,760
A vowel, please.

758
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:27,800
A

759
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:28,840
A consonant, please.

760
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:29,880
P

761
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:31,840
I'm so tense!

762
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:33,560
Another consonant, please.

763
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:34,760
T

764
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:36,160
Aargh!

765
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:45,160
Well played, Jimmy.

766
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:48,400
And a vowel, please.

767
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:49,960
And...

768
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:51,360
..another O.

769
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:53,760
For double points on
the Countdown lightning round...

770
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,440
THUNDERCLAP

771
00:38:56,480 --> 00:38:58,160
..your time starts...

772
00:38:58,200 --> 00:38:59,960
Aargh!  ..now.

773
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:09,760
Aargh!

774
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,240
SHE SQUEALS

775
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:13,920
Aargh!

776
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:17,360
Shit!

777
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:22,960
Oh, oh, oh!

778
00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:29,440
Nooo!

779
00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:32,000
No! No...

780
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,080
CHEERING

781
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:42,240
ROSIE:  Oh, fuck me.

782
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:46,080
Can you smell burning?
I can smell burning and I like it.

783
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:47,880
That's my underwear.

784
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:53,440
I don't know where I am.

785
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,480
I can't believe you jumped
out of your seat, Rosie.

786
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:58,960
Oh!

787
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,160
But it gets you up.

788
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,440
BOTH SQUEAL

789
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,480
Oh, fuck me.

790
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,000
OK, that's enough.
I'm putting these away.

791
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,480
That is it for shocking now.
No more shocking.

792
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:13,040
Aargh!  One more for Tom, though.

793
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:14,120
That's it.

794
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,840
So, how many did you get, Tom?

795
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,440
I got five, TANGO.

796
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,280
Rosie, how many?

797
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:22,880
Five, but I didn't write it down.

798
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:28,200
But it's different, BONGO.

799
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:30,720
Double points, cos that was
the Lightning Round.

800
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:31,920
Ten points to both teams.

801
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:33,720
APPLAUSE

802
00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:38,880
Mr Swallow, Susie Dent,
could they have done better?

803
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:44,400
Erm, GABOON, which is a type
of hardwood tree, I believe.

804
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:45,680
So, at the end of that,

805
00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:48,200
Joe and Rosie are in the lead
with 33 points.

806
00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:50,200
APPLAUSE

807
00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:55,000
OK, time to go across
Dictionary Corner once again.

808
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,280
Mr Swallow,
what have you got for us?

809
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:59,320
So, Jimmy, I thought that I would
show you a little a card trick,

810
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:01,080
some little close-up magic.

811
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,800
So I'm just going to come up there,
if that's OK.

812
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:08,040
And it's a very...
it's a very straightforward trick.

813
00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,840
So, basically,
it is the three-card trick.

814
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,720
So, it just uses one, two and three
cards, as you might imagine.

815
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:16,480
We're going to use jokers,
basically,

816
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,600
we're going to use the two jokers
and we're going to use an ace.

817
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,720
Now, you might have seen this
game before,

818
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,600
like chase the ace or three shells
and a pea underneath,

819
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,960
and you have to move them around
and try and find where it is.

820
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,800
So, the ace, we're going to
pop it on top and then immediately

821
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:30,880
pop it on the bottom. So...

822
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,120
Erm... Sorry, erm...

823
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,080
Joker's on the bottom. No.

824
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:36,360
So, erm...

825
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:37,680
What the magician...

826
00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:39,880
What the magician would say is, OK,

827
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:41,840
joker's on the bottom,
where is the ace?

828
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,880
Now it's logical to think,
OK, joker on the bottom,

829
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,200
either the top or the middle is
going to be the ace.

830
00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:50,160
So, you have a look on top,
the top's a joker, so, fine,

831
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,280
you know that it's in, erm...
That's a joker.

832
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:55,080
Erm...hang on a sec.

833
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:57,480
Yeah, sorry, Ace is on the bottom.
Ace is on the bottom.

834
00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:58,680
Christ!

835
00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:02,520
So, the magician...

836
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:03,640
God.

837
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:06,680
..erm, then says, instead of find
the ace, find the joker,

838
00:42:06,720 --> 00:42:09,680
cos you've got more chance, right?
You've got twice as many odds.

839
00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:12,360
So, now, again, logical,
really easy to think, well,

840
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:15,000
ace is on the bottom, so both the
top and the middle are going to be

841
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,920
erm, the joker. Now, the top one,
you can see, is...also an ace,

842
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:20,560
and the middle one's...
Hang on a sec. Erm...

843
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:22,320
One, two, three. Sorry,

844
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,480
OK. So... Right, there he is.

845
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,840
There's a joker
and there's an ace,

846
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,360
so... No, that's a ten. Erm...

847
00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:32,480
It ain't worked, sorry.

848
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,280
APPLAUSE

849
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:40,040
Mr Swallow, everyone.

850
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:41,480
And here is your final teaser.

851
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,880
The words are SHIT RUMP,
the clue is, give me a medal.

852
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:46,640
That's SHIT RUMP, give me a medal.

853
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:47,880
See you after the break.

854
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:04,840
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -

855
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:07,120
the words were SHIT RUMP,
the clue was, give me a medal.

856
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:08,680
It was, of course, TRIUMPHS.

857
00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:10,680
OK, time for our final letters game.

858
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,960
Joe, Rosie, your turn to choose.

859
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:16,720
Shall we get a vowely one?  Yeah.

860
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,240
A

861
00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:19,880
Consonant.

862
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:21,080
G

863
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:22,960
Consonant!

864
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:24,160
N!

865
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,520
ConsoNANT!  Louder!

866
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:27,560
C!

867
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:29,160
VOWEL!

868
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:30,240
Louder!

869
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:31,360
O

870
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:32,480
Vowwwweeeeeel!

871
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:33,680
E

872
00:43:33,720 --> 00:43:36,560
I said, louder!  CONSONANT!

873
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,080
L!

874
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:40,680
You're not trying hard enough.

875
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:42,120
Consonant.

876
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:43,360
R

877
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:44,920
Yeah, well done.  Consonant.

878
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:46,440
S

879
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,640
OK, and your 30 seconds
starts...now.

880
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,360
This is perfect. I appreciate it.

881
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:56,280
We'll just do these.

882
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:57,840
Lovely, romantic dinner for two.

883
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:01,440
Lovely. OK.

884
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:16,000
It's a bit dirty.

885
00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:22,280
CHEERING

886
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,600
I think it looks better without
the tablecloth.

887
00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:30,400
Just check the glasses.

888
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:33,080
It's going to be a nice dinner,
Fabio.

889
00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:34,720
We never take time.

890
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:40,680
APPLAUSE

891
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:47,720
That's why we can't have
nice things.

892
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:49,240
Joe, how many?

893
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:50,960
Eight.  No, you fucking haven't.

894
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:52,360
I have, yeah.

895
00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,520
Rosie?  Seven.

896
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:56,640
Tom, how many?  Six.

897
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:57,880
Sarah?  Six.  Yeah, OK.

898
00:44:57,920 --> 00:45:00,040
Tom, what's your six?  RANGES.

899
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:02,880
Sarah, your six?  GLEANS.

900
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:05,520
Rosie, your made-up seven?

901
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:07,880
It is made-up.

902
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:12,560
LONGERS

903
00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:15,400
SUSIE:  There is just LONGER,
obviously, but not there as a noun.

904
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:17,040
Joe, your eight,

905
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,240
you could save the day here with
an eight, if you have one.

906
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:20,960
GLANCERS.  Oh!

907
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,440
We all want this for you.  We do.

908
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:25,080
It's not in!  Gah!

909
00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:27,240
TOM:  Yeah!
SARAH:  Yes!

910
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:28,840
Six points to Sarah and Tom.

911
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:30,200
APPLAUSE

912
00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:31,240
Yay! Brilliant!

913
00:45:32,600 --> 00:45:33,800
The audience didn't like that.

914
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,800
Mr Swallow, Susie,
could they have done any better?

915
00:45:35,840 --> 00:45:37,080
Yeah, well, exactly.

916
00:45:37,120 --> 00:45:40,320
GLANCERS, if you swap around the G
and the C, is CLANGERS.

917
00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:42,240
OK, so Joe and Rosie

918
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,640
have 33 points. Back in the lead,

919
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:46,360
Sarah and Tom, with 36 points.

920
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:48,240
APPLAUSE

921
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:52,120
OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time

922
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:53,720
for today's
Crucial Countdown Conundrum.

923
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:55,720
Your time starts...now.

924
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:56,960
Mix-the-letters-up time.

925
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:04,440
Nah, I never see it.

926
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:06,200
I'm going to write it out like that.

927
00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:12,160
BELL

928
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:13,920
Yes?  GOSSIPING.

929
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:15,480
Oh, my God.

930
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:17,840
CHEERING

931
00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:32,840
It does beg the question,

932
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:36,560
who are you and what have you done
with Joe Wilkinson?

933
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,320
Congratulations. Joe and Rosie,

934
00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:41,680
you are now the proud owner of
this - the Countdown Jazz Band Kit!

935
00:46:41,720 --> 00:46:44,280
CHEERING

936
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,600
Thanks to all of our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience

937
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,640
and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.

938
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:51,920
CHEERING

939
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:21,320
Subtitles by
Red Bee Media