This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown...
..Alan Carr, Sarah Millican... APPLAUSE
..Gary Delaney... APPLAUSE
..Munya Chawawa, Don Rodolfo... APPLAUSE
..Susie Dent... APPLAUSE
..Rachel Riley... APPLAUSE
..and your host, Jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
On this show, what you see is what you get
and what you see is five thick comedians,
a talking dictionary and a calculator in a dress.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Alan Carr.
APPLAUSE
At school, Alan says he was a chubby,
shy, goofy, gay guy who wore glasses. But looking at him now...
..it's hard to believe he used to be shy.
And Alan's teammate, Munya Chawawa.
APPLAUSE
Munya once spent £200 on having a barber come
to his house to cut his hair.
You got ripped off there, mate,
I don't pay that much and I send my hair to them.
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Sarah Millican.
APPLAUSE
Sarah does a lot of work for charity and, in fact,
she's married to her teammate, Gary Delaney. What? What?
I'm the charity case, says Lego Head.
And on Sarah's team, an award winning, multi-talented
and universally-loved comedian's husband, Gary Delaney.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow!
Like Brangelina, Gary and Sarah are a power couple,
so powerful, in fact, that they're now known by just one name...
..Sarah Millican.
Alan, since you were last on the show, you have, erm,
written and starred in a sitcom. How was the experience?
Yeah, it's a sitcom called Changing Ends,
it's based on my life. Me growing up.
So, we had to audition for a young Alan.
So, we got over 500 tapes of young Alans.
Some of them were so sweet,
some of them were just downright offensive.
I don't wanna see a child in a fat suit,
I'm just saying. "Hello, I'm Alan Carr!" 500 times.
It was like being back in the playground.
Honestly. And, yeah, and all my family.
So, I've been casting for my family and, erm,
my mum was... It was quite hard for my mum,
because she's got quite broad shoulders and, erm,
Hulk Hogan pulled out last minute... LAUGHTER
..and it's a shame cause his tash was spot on.
LAUGHTER
And it's been recommissioned for a second series, which is wonderful.
Ah, congratulations.
So, I think it's gonna be, like, Northampton's answer to
the Crown and... LAUGHTER
And I don't know who's gonna play me in the future,
but the way my hairline's going,
I think Greg Wallace is on a light pencil.
LAUGHTER
Alan, talk us through the look this evening. What are you wearing?
I'm not realising that I'm, sort of, getting old.
SOMEONE WOLF WHISTLES No.
I look like... I look like a gay darts player.
I know. You know...
You know, you don't... You don't realise,
"On the oche, Alan Carr. Oh, 180." I think it works.
Can I get away with it?
Yeah, we're like an interracial Jedward.
LAUGHTER
OK, erm, Munya, what's....?
Like, what's the most uncool thing you've ever done?
The most uncool thing I've ever done,
erm, the first time I ever sent a sext...
..it was from my grandad's phone.
Well, did Nanna like it?
OK, so, it's summer holidays,
I was staying at my grandparents' house.
Right. And my girlfriend at the time wanted to sext,
which I agreed to, but I don't have any credit.
But I knew my granddad had an emergency Nokia 3310 in
the kitchen drawer.
So, I took my grandad's Nokia, cos I knew it had £10 on.
So, I've got the phone,
you know, I'm flirting the best a teenager can.
I'm like, "How are you?"
And then texts stop sending.
So, now, I can't text my girlfriend to stop sexting my grandad's phone.
So, I've got three options, number one, destroy the phone.
I can't, it's a Nokia, right?
No matter how many times you try and destroy it,
it will come back to life. It's like that insect,
erm, Piers Morgan. LAUGHTER
I can't hide it, cos even on silent, it's like an industrial vibrator.
So, in the end, I just had to wait for it to die
and, thankfully, one day he did.
CROWD GROAN
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now, Sarah, you're here with your real-life partner, Gary.
How do you keep things spicy in your relationship?
We've got Munya's Grandad's Nokia.
Yeah, industrial vibrator,
that's what I heard when you were talking about it.
Three words for you, Jimmy, topless curry nights.
Cannot recommend it enough, cannot recommend it enough.
So, talk me through topless curry night.
So, I just got really sick of cleaning stains...
LAUGHTER Erm, settle down.
You know, like, the yellow stains out of t-shirts.
So, we take our tops off, we eat our curry.
Now, you'd think after that, cos you're semi-naked,
that that would lead on to, sort of, a fruity evening and it doesn't.
We just put our tops back on and watch the telly.
You can't have... You can't have curry on date night,
cos there's repercussions later. It's really, really bad planning.
Oh, yeah. We did it once and we never did it again.
Harrowing for all concerned.
I didn't use to have to wear glasses.
LAUGHTER
Gary, tell us something about Sarah we might not know.
Erm, I think one may not know this, but Sarah's my trophy wife...
..cos her ears stick out and she's got
the previous winner's names tattooed down her back.
Oh, give him that!
I wouldn't say she's embarrassed about me,
but at our wedding I was only invited to the evening do.
Sarah, have you got a mascot this evening,
what did you bring for good luck?
So, I get very stressed in this show,
cos I'm generally not very good at it
and I thought, "You know what would be nice
"is to have a way of giving myself a slightly different surroundings."
Erm, Fabio, if you could bring it out, please.
What I've got is a portable scenery changer.
It's gonna pop behind me.
So, for example, if I'm getting a bit stressed,
it's my home town, South Shields and it's the beach.
I had sex there. Erm, about there once, erm...
Well, they've put up a monument to it.
There. I had sex there. It wasn't with you. Sorry.
I was gonna say, yeah, I've never been to that beach.
Erm, so, that calms me down.
Erm, and another place that I feel really at home, erm...
Second one, please, thank you, lovely.
..is, erm...
..Greggs. LAUGHTER
I've not had sex in there,
but, you know, there's time still. LAUGHTER
Next one, please. This is for when I'm concentrating, erm,
just so that you know that I'm concen...
LAUGHTER
If I get really stressed, this next one,
I think this knocks everybody out, really,
it's spa pebbles. Who doesn't love a spa pebble?
It just makes me feel like I need a wee, this,
cos there's always tinkling water at the same time.
And then if I get too relaxed, the last one, please.
Thanks, Fabio, erm,
which is the set of the show we're on.
Sarah's scene changer. Fantastic.
Thank you very much, Fabio. Thanks, love.
Very good. Erm, thanks, Fabio.
Munya, have you got a mascot with you?
I have indeed, Jimbob. This is Munya's Helping Hand.
Each fingernail comes with a different device
to help me win the game.
So, we'll start with the snack finger, OK.
And this is a chocolate finger filled with chocolate fingers, OK?
SARAH: Wow.
Next up, we have the attack finger.
It can incapacitate with a single squirt,
which is also Jimmy's Tinder Bio.
Up next, we have a pair of binoculars that I can use
to spy on their answers.
Also, it's probably the closest
we'll get to a Black James Bond, so...
Finally, The Barack Finger.
So, this is one of Barack Obama's fingers.
Can I borrow that? Yeah, sure.
And that's my Helping Hand.
Munya's Helping Hand. APPLAUSE
Erm, Gary, have you got a mascot?
Yes, I have. I'm coming to the end of a tour,
so, I've got to write another one
and writing jokes is hard, man, it takes ages.
Erm, so I thought I'd use a bit of technology.
So, I've got for you here the, erm, Jokeatron 3,000.
And it will spew up set ups and punchlines as needed.
So, erm, we'll give this a little go. So, erm...
You know, you can see the, erm...
The technology, the magic there. Right.
Oh, yeah, take that, Chat GPT. Yeah, exactly.
We'll have a set up and we'll have a punch.
Rabbi, a priest and a vicar go into a pub...
..but he was on D wing, so now it looks like an air sock.
I was in Greggs, I said, "I'd like an apple tart."
She said, "Here's your apple, you prick."
A timesaving device, the Jokeatron 3,000.
The Jokeatron 3,000. Erm...
Alan, have you have you brought a mascot with you?
Well, sort of Jimmy and I'm a...
I feel a bit of an idiot, really,
because I'm ashamed to say I've starting vaping.
Oh, no.
Does anyone vape in here?
CROWD IS SILENT
Great, thank you for the support. Clearly, half of these are on crack.
LAUGHTER
You can't vape in restaurants,
you can't vape on a plane and everything.
So, I've come up with a way of vaping
and doing it in plain sight. Clever.
So, I'm really proud of it.
You see!
And the really clever thing is...
..you can put your three favourite things in here,
like my flavours, Scampi Fries... LAUGHTER
..Parma Violets... LAUGHTER
..and my favourite, bin juice. LAUGHTER
Does anyone know I'm vaping? No.
'SCOTLAND THE BRAVE' PLAYS
He moves so gracefully.
MUSIC CONTINUES
I'm vaping, I'm vaping.
So... APPLAUSE
No, no, no!
No. I'm on a plane, I wanna vape.
You can't vape on a plane, can you?
So, you nip to the toilet.
Everyone thinks I'm having a mid-air dump.
No, I'm vaping.
SILENCE
OK, erm... HE LAUGHS
SILENCE No? You're not playing it?
OK, fine. Am I having a vape?
What the fuck?
Right, OK.
No-one knows.
Our little secret. HE COUGHS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You areshole. There you go, my little vape.
You should get a job on Ryanair, you're really shitty.
Thank you, everyone!
Well, over in Dictionary Corner it's, erm, Don Rodolfo.
Now, Don Rodolfo, it's your first time on the show.
Could you tell us a little bit about yourself?
I'm Don Rodolfo,
the greatest swordsman in the world,
all-round cool guy, famous adventurer and total hussy.
No? God, what are they teaching you in schools?
What, you don't have books? Mm?
You don't have heard of news?
Right, allow me to introduce myself. I am Don Rodolfo Martini Toyota...
..but I have gone by many names.
You may know me as El Bastardo, The Widow Maker,
The Widow Lover, The Widow Licker.
I bathe in the blood of my enemies
and showered in the piss of my friends.
I've laughed in the face of death, "Hur-r-r-gh!"
And been asked to leave a lot of funerals.
I both have and am a world-class bell end.
OK, and you know how the game works?
I know how to milk an otter and make cheese from its lactate.
I know when a dog is a virgin.
I know how to make really nice rice.
I think I can figure out your little game.
And with Don Rodolfo, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE
Susie Dent's books come in hardback,
paperback and, "No, you can't have your money back."
What have you been researching recently?
I have been looking at, erm,
you know those things that really get on people's nerves
like, "Like," as a filler.
Love Islanders always get such stick for this.
Apparently, there was one episode in which one person said, "like,"
40 times within one minute. And so,
I looked it up in the Oxford English Dictionary
and the first use of like as a filler was 1778.
But, better still,
it was in a book written by somebody called
Fanny Burnie which is exactly what you get if you're on
Love Island. So, I thought it was perfect...symmetry.
Susie Dent. APPLAUSE
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE
Rachel you recently met the King, how was that?
Yeah, I got my MBE from King Charles.
I can't retain any information
for more than about three seconds since I had kids.
So, they tell you what to do about, you know,
when to shake their hand, when to courtesy.
And then it came to the point where he pins
the medal on you and you shake your hand
and then you have to leave,
but you have to courtesy and then go a certain way.
So, I was shaking the hand
and I just panic-courtesied and ran,
just straight out the door.
Did you understand what he says?
Cos he sounds like a leaf blower, doesn't he?
HE IMITATES LEAF BLOWER HUMMING
How did it feel shaking his hand?
I can't remember. Let me guess.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown Practice Milking set.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER
SARAH: Oh! Oh, no.
What the hell was that? OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game. Sarah and Gary,
you get the first pick of the letters.
Consonant. Thanks, Gary.
Another consonant.
Oh, God.
And all the rest of the other type of letters.
No, not all of them.
Yeah, yeah. All of them?
Oh, really?
Is that...? No, one more consonant at the end.
OK, I'm being told that I want another consonant at the end.
Thank you.
All right, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
And over in Dictionary Corner we have
the world's most boring man, it's Jimmy Carr.
Jimmy, you recently released yet another book all about
the origins of words and phrases. Tell me,
where do you get your shitty ideas from?
And in charge of the numbers, it's Fabio.
OK, Fabio, could it be done?
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown Rollerskates.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The multiverse version's even shittier than ours.
OK, erm, Gary, how many?
I've got a four. Sarah, how many?
I've got a five. OK, Alan, how many?
Six. SARAH: Ooh.
Oh, don't, it might be wrong.
Munya, how many? Five for me.
Gary, your four. It's wrong, erm,
I put peeve but that would require three Es.
It would. Erm, Sarah, what's your word?
Oh, leave. Leave.
I thought you were talking to me. Yeah.
Erm, Munya? Flame for me, Jimmy.
Alan, your six for the points.
I'm worried now, cos I never normally do well. Impale?
Yes. Brilliant. Is that good? Ah, that's nice.
Six points for Alan's team.
Don Rodolfo, Susie Dent, could they have done any better?
Yeah. They could have chosen
professions that did not bring shame on their families.
Words-wise, no. No better than six.
So, at the end of that, Alan and Munya are in
the lead with six points. Wicked.
Onto our first numbers round.
Erm, Alan, Munya, your turn to pick the numbers.
Four big ones, two little ones.
Oh, no, no. What?
It's really hard.
This is madness.
Right, we have one and three. 100, 50...
Oh, God. ..75, 25.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. What have you done, Munya?
Well, they can't copy. OK, well your time starts now.
What have you done?
Erm, so the target was 289. Did you get it? Gary?
No.
Sarah, did you get it?
Nope.
Munya? Hell no.
Well, I've got 296. Is that any good?
It's something. What did you do, Alan?
OK, well, 75 divided by 25 is three.
Then, you times the 100 which is 300
and then you take away the three and the one. 296.
Erm, Rachel, did you get it? Erm...
It's your only job, come on.
I think, erm... Shall we try it? Shall we try it?
Yeah. Yeah. Has anyone got a calculator?
Use my phone! Why do you think we employ you?
All right, OK. I've got my phone, Rachel.
100 minus 3 is 97.
And, then, we wanna do 75 times 97.
Which will be 7,275. Yep.
And then minus 50, 7,225.
And then divide that by, erm... No, yeah, 25.
And you might get 289. Wow, you do.
That is incredible. That is incredible.
How is that possible? How did you do that?
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Don Rodolfo, what have you got for us?
A lot of people ask me, erm, as a hero to millions,
how I became so successful.
Like, what's my daily routine? And I'm happy to share it with you.
This is a typical day for me. 4am wake up.
Why 4am? Cos three's too early, I like a lie-in.
First things first, ice cold shower,
shock the body. Second thing second,
jump in the fire, shock the body. Third things third,
treat the burns, I'm all about self-care.
Now, food, it's 4.30am, I down 13 raw eggs. Shell on.
If I'm training for something, I need to make some gains,
get swole, I swap the eggs for chickens.
13 raw, whole, live, chickens, feathers on, neck back...
HE GLUGS
At 5am, I go out to commune with nature.
See, as a child, to toughen me up, my father would take me out to
the countryside and throw me down a badger set to fight for my life.
I still try to do that every other day.
You know, it keeps me sharp.
Me and the badgers will wrestle for anything up to three hours.
No eye gouging, no fish hooks, no butt stuff,
everything else goes.
8am, I take a moment of quiet contemplation and breathe,
breathe deep down into my pelvis, connect with it.
8.15 breathe into someone else's pelvis. Connect with it.
After lunch, I spend my afternoons on quests,
you know, rescuing fair maidens,
freeing villages from the bondage of an evil baron,
I might fist fight the witch, or fist fuck a goblin.
It's all in a day's work.
After the stress of the day, dinner time is family time.
Not my family, I invite someone else's family over
and watch them eat.
Nobody speaks, they feel incredibly uncomfortable,
I hate having them there. I don't know why we do it.
8pm is my son Dragon's bedtime. We normally do bath and a story
before tucking him in. Now, his sheets are normally
saturated by about midnight, when we'll move him to sleep
the second half of the night drying out in
a massive bowl of rice.
In my home town of Mumff, between nine and 11,
is a period I like to call The Purge.
It's two hours of pure lawless bliss, you kill a man, that's all gravy.
You boil his bones with some carrots and onions,
add some flour to thicken, that really is gravy.
At midnight, I usually get visited by the ghosts of my past haunting
and forewarning me of an afterlife spent in
the fires of hell and the eternity of suffering
and agonising torment that awaits.
Then, it's a glass of Ovaltine, beddie-byes about two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don Rodolfo, everyone. Wow.
Can I, erm...? Can I ask where exactly in Spain you're from?
I move around a lot. I move around a lot.
A lot.
The scores at the moment, Sarah and Gary have no points,
nothing on the board. Alan and Munya are in the lead with 11. Yes.
And here is your teaser the words are, "Gonadnit,"
the clue is, "Better to give than receive."
That's, "Gonadnit,"
"Better to give than receive." See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were, "Gonadnit,"
the clue was, "Better to give than receive."
It was, of course, donating. So, erm, the scores at the moment,
Alan and Munya are in the lead with 11 points.
They've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Alan and Sarah.
Team captain versus team captain. Your turn to choose, Alan.
Erm, five consonants and four vowels, please.
OK. G, B... No mucking about.
..N, D... Let's rock this mother.
..S, O, E, U and A. Have you got one of these?
You can turn, like, toy animals into real animals.
Oh, no! I'm gonna get one, that sounds amazing.
They're good. Your time starts now. What?
That should be it.
CROWD: Aww.
I hate when they bring kittens on and I wanna look.
See if that'll do a mix.
Dog and me.
CROWD: Aww.
Where did he go?
Come back out.
Have some treats.
He's embarrassed, cos we're wearing the same thing.
Come on, Tayo, be a fucking professional, mate.
Tayo, Tayo. Tayo. Tayo. Tayo.
Yeah, maybe. Come and sit. Hello!
Hello, come here. HE WHISTLES
Tayo, Tayo.
You're not wet.
Alan, what have you got?
I've got a six. Oh! Sarah how many?
I think I've got a seven. All right, Alan, what's your six?
Gonads. Oh, OK, so you've got gonads. Erm, Sarah?
Abounds. Really nice, yeah. Perfect.
Seven points to Sarah.
Don Rodolfo, erm, Susie, could they have done any better?
Dogbanes.
What's a dogbane? It's a thing that poisons a dog.
Really, is that true? Yeah.
IN SPANISH ACCENT: Dogbanes. It's dogbanes.
It sounds more Irish than that.
LAUGHTER
IN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, dogbanes! IN IRISH ACCENT: Dogbanes.
OK, so at the end of that,
Sarah and Gary have seven points, Alan and Munya have 11.
Right, it's now time for Gary and Munya to go head-to-head.
Gary your turn to pick the numbers.
Let's have two big ones and four small ones.
Two large, four little coming up.
Two, three, seven, three, 75 and 50.
And the target 388.
OK, so the target is 388. Your time starts now.
Well, that's just...
ALAN LAUGHS
Is there a one?
Argh!
So, the target was 388. Erm, Munya, did you get it?
Nope. Gary, did you get it?
385, I think. MUNYA SIGHS
OK, Gary, how did you do that? OK, erm, two plus three, five.
Yeah. Times the 75 is, hopefully, 375.
Yeah. And then plus the seven and the three.
Well done. Seven points to Gary. Could it be done, Rachel?
Yes. 50 times seven, 350. Three over three is one.
Add it to 75 is 76
and divide it by two for 38 and add it on.
OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
Don Rodolfo, you're Spanish,
I'll just remind you of that before we start.
What have you got for us?
Well, Jimmy, I've killed a lot of people.
Like, a lot. But they say you never forget your first.
Well, I did. I've got no recollection,
cos I've been doing it since I was a little baby.
You know how some people are born with
a silver spoon in their mouth,
I was born with a silver sword in my hand.
It was a difficult birth. Caesarean, from the inside.
To say my mother survived would be...inaccurate.
So, erm, because I never really knew her,
lately I've been trying to reconnect.
I've been tracing back her family tree
and come across some interesting characters.
First up, we have my grandmother, Marjory.
There she is. Nice hat!
It's a fucking tragedy, actually. She shagged herself to death.
IN IRISH ACCENT: It's a fucking tragedy.
Marjory's father was called Oopsy.
Yeah, they came from a very poor family,
couldn't even afford chairs.
Then, we have my mother's great aunt, Pissy.
Cause of death, unknown.
Next up, we have my great, great, great uncle, Poncho.
A great guy, he loved his horse.
Too much. Maybe too much.
Now, erm, we also had a bit of a celebrity in the family.
Now, I don't like to brag, but my great,
great, great uncle, Norm, was a pretty big deal on
the after-dinner circuit around the courts of Europe.
He would do poems, like, tell a naughty joke,
but, mainly, he looked like this.
What's going on there?
I don't even know what that is.
SPANISH ACCENT SLIPPING: They just used to call him fuzzy boy.
Spanish.
So, erm, we're actually able to trace my family lineage all
the way back to the 11th century. The birth of my great,
great, great, great, great, great, grandfather
is actually captured in the Bayeux Tapestry.
How do we know it's him?
Look familiar? Caesarean! It's me inside.
Don Rodolfo, everyone.
There's a Spanish expression for that...
IN IRISH ACCENT: ..what's going on there?
IN IRISH ACCENT: What's the story?
And here is your teaser. The words are, "Into Alan,"
the clue is, "Do it for your country. That's, "Into Alan,"
"Do it for your country." See you after the break.
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were, "Into Alan,"
the clue was, "Do it for your Country."
It was of course, national.
OK, before we go on with the game, time for a quick bonus round.
Sarah and Gary have been lovers for many years.
But Alan and Munya have only just met.
But who knows more about each other? The married couple, or the strangers?
Let's find out as we play Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
Come on, let's join them. APPLAUSE
I'm gonna ask, erm, Munya and Sarah some questions.
Alan and Gary won't be able to hear the answers,
because they'll be wearing headphones.
You'll just have to guess them.
Whoever gets the most correct answers gets
the bonus points. Sarah, is Gary the perfect husband?
Yeah, for me. Yeah, for sure.
That sounded like less of a compliment now, I've realised.
Alan, same question to you regarding Munya.
He's a... He's a wonderful lover.
He excites me in ways I never really knew possible.
Is that with the big hand?
Yeah.
OK, Alan, Gary, take a seat over by Rachel. Put your headphones on.
Good luck, love. Thank you.
Let's play Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs. Munya, you're up first. Mm-hmm.
Here is your first question.
What unusual grooming habit does Alan have?
I've known Alan for a few minutes and I reckon he's the kind of guy
who, every time he has a poo, he has a shower.
If Alan could change one thing about himself,
what do you think it would be?
It's hard to know where to begin, isn't it?
His dentist, I don't know, erm...
What does Alan think is his best feature
and, I'll give you a clue, it's below his waist.
His symmetrical knees.
It's the best kind.
Isn't one bigger than the other usually?
That's boobs. Erm, yeah, all right.
What about Alan does he think gives people the ick?
I feel like he doesn't know what to do with his hands.
Picking his thumbs.
Look, man, I don't know the guy, you know?
Well, let's bring Alan back. Could you grab Alan, Rachel?
You're up. Oh!
So, if the answers match, you'll get points, OK. OK.
I asked him what unusual grooming habits do you have?
What do you think he said?
Do you know what I like doing? Well, this is disgusting,
but picking my toenails and using them as interdent things. What?!
I know what you're thinking,
with the size of these gaps I could use my whole foot,
but, yeah, I do that, that's me. Nah.
They're good, cos you can get right in, especially your big toe.
Cos it's got a hook on it, you can get right in the back.
Did he say that? Did you say that?
He thought you might like to have a shower
after you did a poo, but, erm...
He's flossing with his toenails, so, no.
Alan, if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My hump.
What hump is this?
This hump here,
I have, like, a hump like that. It's too much.
It's from getting those toenails, innit? I know!
Where's the hump? The hump's here.
It's quite rounded. It's like I'm shoplifting a wok.
Did you say that? No.
Munya said the thing you would
change about yourself would be your...
LAUGHER
Oh, no, what did you say?
What do you think he said?
Go on, say it to my face, say it to my face.
Is this your first fight?
What did you say? What did you say? Ah, I said your dentist, erm...
Because of your teeth. You are not getting any tonight.
OK, oh, God, we're not doing very well at this. Sorry.
OK, well, no, you can pull this back.
Next, I asked Munya what do you think is your best feature?
My legs. I've got lovely legs. Thank you.
I will give you that. You said...
I said you've got symmetrical knees.
But, no, I mean, my legs, everyone comments on my legs.
They're my erogenous zone, as well, did you know that?
I put on a pair of Uggs, I nearly came.
OK. So, we'll give you that. Erm, we asked Munya this,
we said, what does Alan think about him gives people the ick?
I have really bad IBS.
Yeah, no, I did know that.
I have explosive wind. I once destroyed a fire pit.
Yeah, I have really bad stomach issues and it just, bfft, goes.
Bfft! Like Oppenheimer, boom.
I said that you don't know
what to do with your hands when you're nervous.
And where are they now? Yes.
They're holding in the IBS. Yeah.
Pushing my arse cheeks together.
All right, so, you got one. Let's see how the lovers will get on.
But there's not... There's nothing at stake here.
There's a lot at stake over here.
Well, let's see how this round goes. Oh, God.
Here we go. OK, here's your first question.
Yeah. What's Gary's most annoying habit?
He doesn't really know how to use a toilet brush.
Oh. I use paper.
He genuinely thinks it's for unblocking the toilet...
..and sometimes I bring it out the little holder
and it just looks like a cake pop.
So, that. I think that.
I don't know that he knows that he does that, though.
Well, this feels like the perfect forum.
What would be Gary's ideal date night?
He'd be on his own...
..with a bowl of sausages
and some zombie films. I don't think I'm there at all.
Perfect date night. OK.
What's the most romantic thing Gary has ever done for you?
He did once, when I was poorly, he brought me,
instead of flowers and chocolates, which is kind of standard, isn't it?
He brought me a Mr Potato Head to cheer me up.
It was genuinely touching, if a little mad. OK.
You're not gonna break us, Jimmy. No, I...
What's your most annoying habit?
I think I'm quite controlling,
but that's only because he often does thing wrong.
Let's get Gary back.
He seems to be enjoying the peace and quiet over there.
I don't wanna disturb him. OK, let's bring Gary back.
Come on, Gary.
You know how this works, I've asked Sarah some questions. Yeah.
You've just gotta match your answers, then you get the points, OK.
What is your most annoying habit, what do you think Sarah said?
Always being right.
That is... That is not what she said.
What did you say? You didn't say he was...
Oh, I said that he didn't know how to use the toilet brush.
They're no good for unblocking it, they're awful.
That's not what they're for!
OK, well, I'll say no points there. Erm... Yeah, fair enough.
What would be your ideal date night?
Curry and zombie films.
Oh, I'll give you the points for that, yeah.
I'll give you that, yeah. I said sausages and zombie films.
That'll do, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I next asked Sarah what's
the most romantic thing you've ever done for her.
When you were stuck in Australia when the planes couldn't fly.
Oh, yeah, the ash cloud. I was gonna drive
to pick you up in Spain, cos you could fly to Spain. Yeah.
But then they legalised flying again.
So, I didn't have to. So, I get to make the offer
and get all the kudos points without having to deliver on it.
I'm gonna say that's the best.
You were gonna drive to Spain to pick her up? Yeah.
Yeah. Wow, they've got weird accents there.
Yeah.
I'm worried that I'm not gonna have a career after this.
LAUGHTER
That wasn't Spanish at all. LAUGHTER
So, the correct answer was?
That you brought me the Mr Potato Head when I wasn't very well
to cheer me up. Oh, yes! Yes, I did, I did.
Next, I asked Sarah what is Sarah's most annoying habit?
On the rare occasions I get the remote control,
she always tells me I'm not doing it properly
and grabs it herself and presses the button.
What did you say? I said that I was too controlling.
And I think you just gave a really good story
about how I'm really controlling.
I think they get the points for that, don't they?
This is a win not just for Sarah and Gary,
but for lovers everywhere. You get the five bonus points.
Ah. Yeah.
Thanks for playing Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs. Back to our seats.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
"Too controlling. She doesn't let me have the remote."
But he doesn't even mute, he just turns it down,
down, down, down, down, down, down, down. Yeah.
Just fucking mute it.
Whoa.
What a fascinating glimpse into your lives.
Well, we already know about your arsehole, so...
I wish I could press the mute button on my arsehole.
LAUGHTER
OK, on with the game. Sarah, your turn to pick the letters.
Five consonants and four vowels, please.
No messing around. Thank you, love.
All business. Oh, yeah, I'm not messing about.
S and then A... Yeah, come on.
..E, O, E.
And your time starts now.
Erm, Sarah, how many letters? I've got a five, love.
You've got a five. OK, Gary, how many? Five.
Alan? Six.
Oh! Munya?
Also, six.
OK, well, Gary, what's your five?
Stang. Stang?
Yeah. Like the past tense of sting.
Susie, how you feeling about stang? Sting, stung, so no stang.
Sarah? I've got teens.
Yeah. Teens. Erm, Munya, your six.
I've got tangos. Yeah. Very good.
Alan, your six? Agents.
Oh, six points to Alan and Munya. Well done, well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Susie, Don Rodolfo, my Spanish friend...
LAUGHTER
..could they have done any better, Don Rodolfo?
Yeah, they could have had neonates for eight.
Neonates. What's Neonates? A newborn infant.
So, at the end of that, Sarah and Gary are in the lead
with 19 points. Oh, for goodness' sake!
And here is your final teaser.
The words are, "Wankrise," the clue is, "That's a posh one."
That's, "Wankrise," "That's a posh one."
See you after the break.
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were, "Wankrise," the clue was, "That's a posh one."
It was, of course, swankier.
OK, time for our final letters game. Alan, Munya, your turn to choose.
OK, erm... You choose.
Go on, you choose, love. No, no, no.
No, go on, Munya, you choose. What is it, words? Erm...
Oh, I'll choose. I'll choose. Erm, five consonants, please,
and four vowels.
OK. R, L, Y, S, D. And then I.
We've got a problem with the clock, I'll do it on this,
on my potato keyboard. U...A and E.
Thank you. I'll just do a sound check.
POTATOES PLAY PIANO NOTES
OK, and your time starts...now.
HE PLAYS A TUNE
HE PLAYS COUNTDOWN TUNE
HE PLAYS JAZZY VERSION OF COUNTDOWN TUNE
HE PLAYS COUNTDOWN TUNE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good.
HE PLAYS NOTES
Erm, how many? Seven.
Seven. Gary, how many? Six.
Six. OK, Alan? Seven.
Oh, Munya? Six for me.
What's your six, Munya?
Easily. Gary, your six?
Arises.
One S. So, you can't have arises.
It's bad enough he's controlled by Sarah
and now you're chipping in. Sarah, your seven?
Erm, readily. Alan, your seven?
Redials.
Yep. Oof. That's beautiful.
Seven points to both teams.
Susie, Don Rodolfo from Spain.
Yeah, they could have had, erm, residual for eight.
Oh, we were so close to Ireland.
LAUGHTER
Turn the U upside down.
Turn the U upside down, you've got it.
Nailed.
He's so proud!
OK, so Alan and Munya have 24. Sarah and Gary have 26.
APPLAUSE
No mucking about now, love.
Fingers on buzzers,
it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
You're time starts now.
BUZZER RINGS Yes!
Is it imploring?
Let's take a look. How the...?
It is. Wow.
Genuinely! APPLAUSE
I've never done it before! Whoa! That was amazing!
Five seconds in! Five seconds.
I've never done it before. Wow.
So, the final scores are Sarah and Gary have 26 points,
Alan and Munya have won with 34.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown Practice Milking Set.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media