This programme contains strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Best Bits,
a show about letters, numbers,
conundrums and the best bits from the last series.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Team Captain, Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Jon is a freak
but when his parents walked into his teenage bedroom
and caught him with a hoover on maximum suck mode,
it was actually because he was doing the hoovering.
My parents divorced when I was young, but I'll take it.
Yeah, it was your fault.
Jonathan has a very unique look.
I like to describe it as
the bloated corpse of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen.
Don't take that, seriously. I'll be honest with you,
I think that's quite fair.
JIMMY LAUGHS
Can we see the full outfit? Cos the full outfit is everything. Yes, please.
Yes, yes. It's got this... CHEERING, WOLF-WHISTLES
No, no, no, wait, the shoes. The shoes are...
The shoes. Oh, wow. Look at that.
And then wait until you see my pants,
you won't believe it.
I got this from my tailor in Indonesia.
Well, he's not really my tailor,
he's a bloke on Etsy, but he's in India.
Have you ever met this man?
No, what if he didn't like me or what if I didn't like him?
Well, he clearly doesn't like you, look what he makes for you.
LAUGHTER
He hates you! Look how he dresses you!
Up against them this evening its Guest Team Captain Alan Carr.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
Alan's first-ever acting role was
as Squealer the Pig in Animal Farm.
It was great, Alan,
but you can stop doing the voice now.
Yeah, yeah, I was a pig. I had this pig head like this,
and I had these sticks and I burst in the room
to show me mum and dad,
and the dog shat itself.
LAUGHTER
When Rosie's on television I don't see a disabled person,
and that's because I don't watch anything she's in.
LAUGHTER
That's so harsh!
Wouldn't that you mean that you don't watch TV, then?
Cos I'm on everything.
Phil Wang sounds like a bit of a rude name,
but it's even worse when you find out
his middle names are "Me Up With."
Richard is pretty awkward.
He's the human equivalent of calling your teacher "Mummy."
He's as awkward as matching with your dad on Tinder.
Lee, what's your biggest regret in life?
I don't know. Probably either...
..killing that man in a car park fight.
Or watching the Emoji Movie.
Probably that.
Trusting that that proctologist was a real one.
Was he in the park?
He was in a van at Threshers.
Jon, I've got a question for you.
You ever thought about getting a tattoo? What would you get?
I do think about it.
But it's more of a sort of intrusive thought.
I think about it in the same way that I imagine, every now and again,
David Attenborough thinks,
"I wonder what would happen if I punched that gorilla?"
He must think it every now and again.
"I could end this now."
You know, I tend to regret the cardigan I choose,
so I don't really think tattoos are for me.
I can see you getting a sort of practical tattoo, though.
Like a Boots loyalty card or something there.
Bloop!
I've got 47 quid on my Co-op card.
The Co-op's incredible.
I don't care what you say, I think it might be the best store in the world.
Because you buy a pint of milk, right?
You buy cigarettes, you can buy bread,
and they'll bury your nan.
Yeah.
That's an incredible array of products.
I bet there are people who'll do that for you in Lidl.
You've just got to know the right guy.
Only two feet.
You'll see her when it rains.
Err, Jack, all right,
the best and worst gift you've ever received.
Gift? Oh, my God!
I got given a shredder one year which is good.
Ooh, I'd imagine you'd love a shredder.
Yeah, I love a shredder, it's great for the cards,
all the Christmas cards, straight in.
I just strap it to the letterbox
and when the postman comes they go straight in.
Into the shredder.
Who has ever had a card from someone
you have no idea who they are?
Oh, yeah. Really? You had one of those?
Yeah. I send those.
It's my hobby,
I like to do it before Christmas.
Make up, I go, "Dear Lee,
"happy Christmas. Love from Joan and Eric."
Well, that wouldn't work cos Joan and Eric are my mum and dad.
Ah. Like you get a card from your mum and dad.
I don't actually, Jack, cos they're dead. Thanks for that!
OK, Laura, have you got a mascot? I have, I have. What you got?
Holy...
That's a Countdown...
Winners teapot what I won off what I like to call the real Countdown.
AUDIENCE:Oooh!
Err, I'm reliably informed this...
Sorry, Jon, you all right?
Yeah, Jon? Yeah, that's right.
Oh, sorry.
I'd have to review the footage.
There was some really shit ones early on.
Err, well speaking of reviewing the foot, can we review the footage?
Yeah. You've got footage? This is genuinely,
Laura is a Countdown champion, everyone.
Wow! APPLAUSE
OK, Margaret. Five.
Yes. And, Laura?
Er, six. OK, hear five, then.
SOUND. SOUND. Hear six.
GONADS
LAUGHTER
Yes.
We've got GONADS, here.
Well done, Laura!
Obviously, you won the actual real Countdown.
I won the real Countdown, I got a teapot.
I think I got about 107, 104. That's how many...
Wow. Thanks, Susie.
Brilliant. So, when was this? When was the win?
2004 maybe.
So, Jon's having a panic attack. Let's check in with him.
Yeah. All right, Jon?
2004, I think I was out shagging. Oh!
LAUGHTER
Well...
Are you getting 2004 mixed up with never?
I don't wanna read into the game,
but Margaret looked like she was upset by something.
I don't know what you said to her in the dressing room,
but it looked like you freaked Margaret out
and she shit herself.
So, you'll find me a tad harder to intimidate.
Now, you used to be a teacher, right?
Is that going to help you tonight?
I don't think so.
Like, a lot of people assume that
you have to be clever to be a teacher. Bullshit.
If you can go in the room
and get 'em to shut up,
that's teaching right there.
Right. And what was your methodology for getting people to shut up?
I would often get called to classrooms where kids were misbehaving,
and I found a technique that worked really well. I'd go in,
I'd close the door, make sure there was no senior leadership team about.
And I'd say, "Shut the fuck up!" LAUGHTER
And they'd usually go really quiet.
And did you always teach reception class or did you...?
LAUGHTER
Rachel, we know you're good at numbers.
What are some things that you're really bad at?
The worst thing for me is my singing.
I once had a microphone confiscated during karaoke.
Can we get a little...?No. No, no, but just...?No.
No, I've got, erm,
I've got a cot, when the baby was born I got a cot
that you press a button, and it listens for when she cries,
and when she cries it kinds of shushes her
and escalates up four levels.
And I was singing her a lullaby once
and it started cos it thought she was crying.
Can we get a little bit? No.
No, but I wanna hear something, I need to...
You can't just say, "I'm a bad singer," and then just leave us...
Can't you just...? You give her a feedline, Jimmy.
A duet. Duet, duet, duet! A duet?
Well, I've got a beautiful voice.
No, I don't believe you've got a good voice. I think... No way.
What do you mean....? Why are you saying I don't have a good voice? No way.
HE CROONS # Where it began
# I can't begin to know it. #
Oh, you sing like a wanker.
LAUGHTER
You came in so fast, like you've been waiting all night.
And then you went... IMITATES JIMMY
Do another one. Do it again.
Do another one, all right, I mean name a tune?
I'm just trying to think of a song...Moon River.
Moon River, yeah. Come on, do Moon River, ya tosser.
LAUGHTER
I'll do it randomly at some point during the show.
We're not moving on until you have.
We're not moving on until we get Moon River.
I can... If I don't look at them I think I can do it.
Even now, he's not about to do it! It's ridiculous.
Come on, you can do it. We believe in you.
I can't...
What do you mean? Just go for it! OK.
ROISIN LAUGHS
Well, that's not helping! Don't look,
I think we've got a real shot at this.
ROISIN LAUGHS
You've gotta come in quick, I can't hold it for that long. Yeah, you've gotta move it.
I came in too quick last time and I was ridiculed.
It's when you look romantically down
the camera like you're sat on a stool.
OK, I'm gonna randomly sing Moon River
at some point in the show. But now,
the prize the teams will be competing
for tonight is this - the Countdown Wheelie trainers.
Whey! CHEERING
What's going on?!
Good luck getting those off him.
What size is Fabio? I want them.
What size is Fabio? It's about seven inches on the slack.
IMITATING JIMMY:He's about seven inches on the slack.
# Moon... # LAUGHTER
# Wider than a mile. #
We haven't even started playing Countdown yet.
I pulled out, there was shit all over it.
# Come fly with me... #
LAUGHTER
He really wants to sing!
He wants to be taken seriously!
He's sat watching the Alexander Armstrong adverts at Christmas.
"It could have been me!"
Let's Countdown, everyone.
It's the perfect time to sing.
# Moon... # LAUGHTER
I know, I talked over it.
It sounded like he was gonna be sick. PRETENDS TO RETCH
LAUGHTER
Oh, I just want to get to the judges houses,
I don't even care about winning.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game,
Richard, Laura you get the first pick of the letters.
Please. We're with a pro here.
Thank you. Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
Thank you, Laura.
R. And another, please.
M. And another.
C
And another, please.
P. And a vowel.
E. And another vowel.
O. And another vowel.
A. And another, please.
U. You're crazy for those vowels.
And... Four vowels, five consonants is optimum.
And another consonant, please.
And an optimum D.
I might do my recycling while this is going on.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
CHEERING
Oh, Jesus.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sorry, Susie, I just... Cos it's dog shit.
LAUGHTER
It's a very good book, I'm very sorry.
Thank you, have you read it?
What?! LAUGHTER
OK, Jon, how many?
Er, seven.
Ooh! Katherine, how many?
Eight. Woo!
Richard, how many?Five.
OK, a solid five. That's nice.
I just really got into the music actually,
it's been counter-productive.
What were you listening to? What wasn't I listening to?
The Countdown Clock? That's right.
You got it in one, Jim.
OK.
What I like is that I feel like I look like I'm at
the United Nations, but from a fun country.
APPLAUSE
I know. Our contribution to this debate isn't really significant.
Laura, how many?Erm, seven.
Well, Richard, let's hear your five.
MOPED.
MOPED, I MOPED.
OK, Jon, your seven?
Er, well, I had CRAMPED.
There is a nine up there, but it's only a word in Norfolk,
and it's what they do their homework on,
a COMPUDER.
Laura, your seven.
Erm, COMPARED. No, that's eight.
Yeah. Oh, fuck!
I got COMPARED, but I said eight, so I win!
Countdown rules, you're wrong. Argh!
Sorry.
Well, I'll tell you what,
I've never seen this side of Katherine Ryan before.
Somewhere at home now,
Margaret is pissing herself.
"Fuck you!"
I got eight, Jimmy. Mate.
No, she hasn't. She's got nothing. I was too humble,
that's my problem.
I can't believe Katherine Ryan is properly going, "She's got nothing!"
You got MO-PED, and he pronounced it MOPED.
That's what we call it.
The reason it's called a MO-PED is
because you're sad you've not got a motorbike.
It's MOPED.
And Katherine, what is your eight-letter word, pray tell?
My eight-letter word is COMPARED, and now what are you gonna do?
It's eight points to you.Yeah! CHEERING
Oh, my God.
It's the lights, it's the bright lights.
Its Susie remembering me,
everything got to me. That's what happened.
Oh, so they did not have lights in 2004?
Am I the least nerdy person here?
Yes.
Is that what's happened?
Whatever, I don't even care about this.
Shut up, sir, I'm not listening.
It's a bit like working in John Lewis.
Which is sort of where you belong.
I'd like to be in a department store actually, a floor walker.
Oh.Yeah.
You'd frighten me if you worked in a...
I think you'd be you'd be thinking, "She's got no money."
Are you sure you're in the right place, madam?
Yeah, perhaps I would. Yeah.
There's the revolving door,
it revolves outwards as well. LAUGHTER
I had that once when I was walking around Saks in New York.
Oh, yeah?And they looked at me like I was just looking for the toilet,
and to be fair, I was.
I, erm... I'm deciding whether to say this or not.
So, the other day... It's sort of a bit similar
to what you were talking about. So, I went into Oliver Bonas.
Oh, I love Oliver Bonas. What the hell is that shop?
I don't know.
But I went in the other day and, erm,
well, the thing is I farted, erm, but it was loud.
It was, erm...
"I'm definitely gonna want this as an out" thing.
Yeah, go on.
I farted and I went... I was sort of stunned,
I was like, "Oh, I heard that. I definitely heard that."
And then... LAUGHTER
I don't go farting loudly in shops, you know,
you know, and then I look over... Mmm...
And then I look over
and I swear to God, on everyone's life,
the lady says to the other lady,
"I'll go and get the spray." LAUGHTER
I swear to God.
APPLAUSE
You're lucky though, cos they've got
a lot of scented candles in there.
I mean, the whole thing could have exploded.
LAUGHTER
I was once walking around... If we're doing fart stories.
Yeah, sure, why not? Why wouldn't we?
I was once walking around London with my friend
and I did, like, a nasty fart,
like a hot one. LAUGHTER
And my friend genuinely said,
"Are we near a zoo?" Genuinely.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Wow!
Wow.
And here is your teaser.
The words are STRIP LEE, the clue is - looks a bit scaly.
That's STRIP LEE - looks a bit scaly.
See you after the break.
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were STRIP LEE, the clue was - looks a bit scaly.
It was, of course, REPTILES.
On with another letters game.
Jon, Joe, you're going head-to-head this round
and we're gonna make things more interesting,
we're gonna play for double points in...
..The Lightning Round. THUNDERCLAP
I don't wanna play in the Lightning Round. LAUGHTER
You've each been fitted with an electric shock...
Oh, no!
..so at any stage in this, you might receive
an electric shock. I'll test them now.
So, Jon's first... JOE SCREAMS
Well, that's clearly...
That's... I apologise, I got them mixed up.
I'm just saying that was... Oh, my God.
So, Jon.
Oi, Jim, hold on. What sorry?
Is that a must? LAUGHTER
What, Joe?
It's so funny when it's not you.
Joe, what was...? What were you...?
No, you were... Well, if you're gonna...
What is it, a complaint? Are you OK?
Yes. LAUGHTER
Are you sure?
Argh! LAUGHTER
Well, this could be the rest of the show.
Oh, I need to... Fuck! JOE LAUGHS
JON SCREAMS
These are tremendous!
Argh!
He is crying from his nose now.
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
People pay for this, though, Joe. Do they? Yeah.
Sort your haemorrhoids out. Oh!
Now, you've played the Lightning Round before,
this is for double points.
There's gonna be a few distractions round
and just randomly you might get shocked a couple of times.
LUCY GASPS But this is all about focus, right?
Trying to focus while this is going on.
Piece of work!
Are you...? You're all right at this.
Weren't you good at it last time? You got like a seven-letter word.
JOE LAUGHS
You're gonna get me when I'm talking.
JON SCREAMS
You know this was an experiment they did.
What was it like, security guards and inmates
and then they swapped? Stanford Prison. Yeah.
We'll be swapping for the next round.
We're gonna pin you down.
We could pin him down and sit...
I... JOE CHUCKLES
HE STAMMERS I'm not gonna.
LAUGHTER
OK, er, Jon, pick the letters.
TENSELY:Consonant, please, Rachel.
W. Another one.
F. A vowel.
E
Two consonants, please.
No, I'm afraid you have to do them one by one.
I'll have that P, then.
P. And then...
Just get on with it, Jimmy, cos its killing me.
A vowel, please. The tension is killing me.
JOE SCREAMS
JON GROANS
You've just created a safe space
for sadism, that's what you've done.
Consonant, please.
L. Consonant, please.
S. A vowel, please.
U
Erm, and a consonant, please.
And the last one, good luck.
B. So, for double points,
it's the Countdown Lightning Round.
Your time starts... JOE:Oh, shit!
..now. JOE SCREAMS
Gosh. ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
LOUD EXPLOSION, AUDIENCE SCREAMS
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, JOE SCREAMS
JON GROANS
SCREAMS
JON GROANS, JOE SCREAMS
JON GROANS Can't even hold a pen!
JON GROANS
JON SCREAMS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Jon, how many did you get?
Oh! I'll try a seven.
OK, Joe, how many?Five.
JON SCREAMS
JON CHUCKLES You can't get me while he's talking.
I'm so hot.
You can't electrocute someone in a cardigan.
It's a human rights issue.
OK, Joe, what was your five?
BUSES. Your seven?
PUBLESS.
Susie, is PUBLESS in there?
No.
It's not there.
Be annoying if all that was for nothing, wouldn't it?
OK, so that's double points. So, ten points to Joe.
JON GROANS
You're not gonna do the fucking numbers round
where you've got a harpoon
and we have to do it running around the studio?
Alan, have you got a mascot? What have you brought?
I've got a mascot. Well, I'm recently been single,
so I'm single, ready to mingle.
And I wanna get on the dating apps, you see. Ooh!
So, you know I am the most un-photogenic person ever?
I am, I am. So, I've tried to find a nice photo.
Now there's one nice photo of me,
cos you know when people ask for selfies,
you know, members of the public, and you take them
and they go, "Oh, can you delete that?
"I look ugly in that" And I'm like,
"You're ugly in real life, love." Do you know what I mean?
So, I found this lovely photo of me and I wanna replicate it.
It's in my bathroom, can I show you?
Yeah, sure.Yes, yeah.
And I feel I'm gonna have so much dick.
Honestly, I'm gonna have dick for breakfast,
dick for lunch, dick for tea.
Honestly, I look so fit.
And when I saw the photo,
even I was like, "Phwoar! I'd bang it." You know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
This is the photo?
This is the photo where I look fit!
And because I'm a bit kinky and I'm into pleasure and pain,
I'm up the tap end.
LAUGHTER
And listen...
..if I wanna look cute, if I wanna look cute,
I put some suds on me nose, like that, yeah?
On your glasses, Alan?
Oh, is it on me glass? Oh, yeah, shit, I can't see.
And you know, if I wanna be slutty...
..I've got a flake I can suck on.
LAUGHTER
Alan Carr, everyone.
Before we go on,
its Christmas, so let's play a quick game
of Pull My Cracker.
CHRISTMAS JINGLE PLAYS
OK, here's how this works.
I read the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know
the punch line. It couldn't be easier.
You ready? How does a snowman get to work?
BUZZER Lee?
I didn't press the button. No, I did.
Oh, go on. Jack, sorry.
Why has he got a button under the table?! Why has he got a different button?
I wondered how you were doing that,
I thought you had an electric penis! LAUGHTER
What was the question again?
What do you mean what was the question? You buzzed!
Or do you just wanna get out the bath?
How does a snowman get to work?
Er, well, obviously if it's in July, in a bucket.
Go on. A snow mobile?
Well, that's a bit practical rather than a joke.
I know but...
Is it a Ford Fiesta two litre engine?
LAUGHTER
Icicle cause it rhymes with bicycle.
By icicle, I'll give you that, yeah, that's the right answer.
Bi-icicle?
By icicle. Oh, you're so politically correct.
LAUGHTER
Why doesn't Santa use the NHS?
BUZZER Ah, well. Here we go.
Cos he's not a UK resident.
LAUGHTER
I...I. I think I know it. BUZZER
Yeah, go on. Can I can I say?
Er, cos he's got private elf care.
That's the right answer, yes.
What does Santa spend his wages on?
Oh! BUZZER
All his different hoes in area codes?
Frostitutes.
LAUGHTER
It was in fact jingle bills.
Where do elves go to dance?
BUZZER The jailhouse.
What? What?
Read it again.
LAUGHTER
Oh, sorry! Elves.
JIMMY LAUGHS
Might be, er, Christmas balls.
Christmas... I'll give you that. Ibiza!
Snowballs is the right answer, yeah.
Ah, yeah, snow balls. Jack Dee's absolutely won this.
Five bonus points to Jon and Jack.
Oh, no! APPLAUSE
Sorry.
I look forward to being your nan at Christmas,
playing charades. LAUGHTER
"Another point for me, Nana. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
My nan's not alive any more, Lee.
Yeah, you piece of shit. Piece of shit!
That'll teach her to get in a car with my parents.
Its particularly poignant of you to bring that up,
she actually died at Christmas when we were playing
a game of charades.
She had a fit and...
..she died with us all around her going, "Is it a book or a film?"
And here is your teaser.
The words are FERAL TUG and the clue is - that was lovely, thank you.
That's FERAL TUG - that was lovely, thank you.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were FERAL TUG, the clue was -
that was lovely, thank you.
It was of course, GRATEFUL.
Susie, you recently started a new podcast.
How's that's been going?
Well, I know what you're thinking, but it's actually been really fun.
LAUGHTER I had a good chat with Jon.
We've talked about some great stuff.
We talked about the fear of falling, fear of death.
We talked about his nan's electric can opener.
We talked about how white goods are going to outlive us.
What were you trying to do, sedate an elephant?
Erm, what else did we talk about?
We talked about swearing, didn't we?
We did talk about swearing, yeah.
Favourite swear, Susie?
Well, David and I share the same - bollocks.
You share the same bollocks?
Susie, you're giving him ammo!
Erm, could we have a vowel, please, Anne-Marie?
E. Consonant.
P. Consonant.
S
Er... Another consonant.
D. A vowel.
O
A vowel.
A
Oh, a different vowel.
E. No, not the right vowel.
A consonant.
Z
Oh, come on, Anne-Marie! Who wants a Z?!
We are trying to make the fun version of this show,
not the dog-shit version in the afternoon, so...
LAUGHTER
Do you wanna change... What?
I'm getting ready. Look, the 30 seconds is coming up, I've got to...
..I've got to do a bit of scoot-scooting.
You look like you're on your way
to your first day at boarding school. Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Its hard to tell - at first glance, I didn't know if that was a helmet
or you'd had another hair transplant.
Can we have a different consonant?
Oh.An R. Oh, lovely. Oh, delightful.
One more consonant, thank you.
And your final letter is a K.
OK, your time starts now.
Oh, scoot, scoot, scoot.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Scoot, scoot.
I did scootin'.
I did some scootin'. It was really good scootin', wasn't it?
The fear in your eyes.
So good at scooting.
I'm so good at scootin'. Jonathan, how many?
I've got some sixes. Some sixes. Maisie, how many?
Yeah, I got some sixes as well.
OK. Richard, how many?
Six.
Six. Kemah?
Er... Six as well.
Ohh... All right, what's your six?
My one? Yeah.
OK, great. I'm sorry, I'm very distracted.
You have a nice butt, Jimmy.
Most kinds of people don't talk about it. I told you, I told you
I had mad junk in the trunk, but you didn't listen.Thank you.
Yeah, your bottom is rounder than expected.
I feel like I might as well be a lap dancer,
people are just staring at my arse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right. I mean...
Although...that had my word on it, so I've forgotten it.
So, what are your words? I'll tell you.
I'll tell you my six.
Erm... SPEEDO.
Is SPEEDO allowed? Because it's a brand name
and sometimes they don't allow brands names.
SPEEDO is also a shortened version of speedometer.
Do you mean it that way? Yeah!
Susie, is SPEEDO in there?
Yeah, so Speedos are trademarks and capital S,
but SPEEDO, as Jonathan says, short for speedometer.
Oh, it actually is? Oh, perfect. Yeah, which is what I meant.
APPLAUSE
Richard, your six.
SOAKED
Jonathan, your six.
I had POKERS. SUSIE:Yeah.
And, Maisie, your six.
I've got ERODES and PSEUDO.
Six points to both teams.
Yay! Yes. APPLAUSE
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us?
Yes, thank you, Jimmy.
So, since first appearing on this show,
which I must say, by the way, I am eternally grateful for,
but I still don't really know what it is,
A lot of people have sort of got in contact to ask about
some of the memory demonstrations I've done on the shows in the past,
like memorising a deck of playing cards,
memorising the Wagamama menu and so on.
And the truth is,
a lot of these techniques are very straightforward
to learn if you put, you know, the time in.
I mean, technically, even a young child should be able
to master some of the basic techniques.
Especially if that young child has spent the best part of their life
in with you, in lockdown.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you
to my protege and professional lookalike - ladies and gentlemen,
it's Master Swallow!
MUSIC: Theme from Jurassic Park
Aw, there we go, yeah.
No, don't be fooled - he's actually in his early 70s.
So, are you all right?
Do you want another energy drink? You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Yeah, you don't have to do the voice.
You're doing great.
Don't show me up.
Now, erm, so, look -
what we've got here are some animal flash cards.
There are loads here, I think there's about 60 - 50, 60 of these.
And can you be...? I'm going to mix them a bit more now,
but can you be honest, Susie? You've examined these,
you've been mixing these yourself as well. I have.
Cos I don't... It's very, very important for everyone to realise,
especially people in the audience and people at home,
that this is - if it works - is real. If it works, OK?
If it don't work, then it's fake.
So, Master Swallow, are you listening? Hello?
I'm going to read out whatever random order these animals are in,
OK, and whatever order they're in,
Master Swallow, after I've done it, is going to try and attempt
to recall them, but in reverse order, OK?
So, here we go. Are you listening?
Yeah? Yeah, OK. Here we go, you're doing great.
OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish,
mantis shrimp, wolf,
rhino, ground sqwiwwel... Squirrel.
Crested gecko, scorpion, sailfish,
cheetah, peregrine falcon, tiger,
honeybee, jareff... Jareff?
Giraffe.
Saiga antelope - don't know what that is -
okapi, echidna, great grey owl,
kiwi, eagle, wombat,
earthworm, aardvark, firefly, lemur,
peacock, pufferfish, squid,
skunk, snow leopard - some of these are upside down -
stick insect, zebra,
egg-eating snake, giant panda.
Listening? Going in? Yeah.
Blue whale, sea turtle, crab,
armadillo, beaver,
great white shark, hippo, mandrill,
flamingo, chameleon, penguin,
meerkat, sea otter, lion,
tree frog, howler monkey,
elephant, sloth,
jaguar, orang-utan, dolphin,
puffin, walrus, albatross, koala.
Now, in reverse order, Master Swallow,
what was the last one I said?
Koala. Yeah, OK.
I mean, that's the easiest one, so don't... You know, don't.
And then what did I say before that?
Albatross. Yeah, and then what?
Walrus. Yeah, and then what?
Puffin. Yes, and then what?
Dolphin. Yes. Orang-utan. Orang-utan, yeah.
Jaguar. Yes. Sloth. Yes.
Elephant. Yes. Howler monkey. Yes.
Tree frog. Yes. Lion. Yes.
Sea otters. Correct.
Meerkat. Yes. Penguin. Yes.
Chameleon. Yes.
Flamingo. Very good.
Mandrill. Yes. Hippo. Yes.
Great white shark. Yes.
Beaver. Yeah.
Armadillo. Yes. Crab. Yes.
Sea turtle. Yes. Blue whale. Yes.
Giant panda. Yes.
Egg-eating snake. Yes.
Zebra. Yes. Stick insect. Correct.
Snow leopard. Yeah.
Just stop a sec - do the next three in a row
so people don't think you can see. What are the next three?
Skunk, squid, pufferfish.
Skunk, squid, pufferfish - yeah.
Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark, earthworm.
Yes. Wombat. Yes.
Eagle, kiwi, great grey owl.
Correct. Echidna. Yes.
Okapi, saiga antelope, giraffe, honeybee. Yes.
Tiger. Yes. Peregrine falcon. Yes.
Cheetah. Yes.
Sailfish. Pardon?
Sailfish. Correct.
Scor... LAUGHTER
Do it again, love.
Scorpion. Yes.
Crested gecko. Yes.
Ground squirrel. Yes.
Rhino. Yes.
Wolf. Very good.
Mantis shrimp. Yes.
Jellyfish. Yes.
Crocodile. Yes.
Camel. The first one.
CHEERING
Wow! Wow!
Mr Swallow, can I ask, how old is that child?
That child, I believe is...
Ah, he can't remember, can he?
..six years and three quarters or something like...?
Are you six-and-three-quarters?
Six-and-a-half.
LAUGHTER
Oh, six-and-a-half is not as impressive, I thought he was six.
That's incredible.
BREAKING CHARACTER:This is my real son, Finn.
AUDIENCE:Aww!
You did brilliant, love.
APPLAUSE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who thought it wasn't his real son?
Who's out there going, "Wow, those two get along"?
"They must just be mates."
Mr Swallow, everyone. And Master Swallow.And Master Swallow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Them from Jurassic Park
I don't want to be... I don't want to big shot this or whatever,
but my kid can burp on command.
I like the fact that, by comparison,
Rachel now looks like a bloody idiot.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are RICO SHAT, the clue is - it's on fire.
That's RICO SHAT - it's on fire.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were RICO SHAT,
the clue was - it's on fire.
It was, of course, CHARIOTS.
Before we go on, he's not on the show,
but he's turned up anyway.
It's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
PHIL:There's hairs on there! Joe, what's, er...
LAUGHTER
All right? What's going on, Joe?
Taken up yo-yoing. Yeah.
No, I mean, you've got a massive...
..left arm and left leg.
Well spotted. I, erm...
Yeah. Cos you haven't had me on the show for a bit,
I've started a new hobby, started body-building.
Did the left-hand side. Happy with that. Erm...
But then got bored of it.
Couldn't be arsed to do any more. So, yeah...
Sort of just look like this now, but it's all right.
LAUGHTER
I can't help but notice you've got quite a big hand.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm, er...
I'm also allergic to almonds.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Erm, but, you know, it's quite good, though, having a, erm...
..having...
Genuinely pulled something.
LAUGHTER
But... JOE LAUGHS
..what's great about having a massive fist, big arm and leg,
also helps with my other hobby,
which, as you know, is smashing stuff up.
I love smashing stuff up, so it's good for that.
You know, kind of...
LAUGHTER
So, you know, that's keeping me busy,
you know, kind of...
So, yeah. So...
Have you got any other hobbies other than kicking holes in the set?
Er... No, no.
LAUGHTER
JOE SIGHS
Piss off.
LAUGHTER
What's going on, Joe?
Oh, well, as you can see,
Fabio's new hobby is hanging from a trapeze.
Because he's a fucking idiot.
Piss off.
Can't do the show with you just hanging there, can we?
This show is shit enough without you hanging there.
Piss off. Piss off!
We're not doing anything till you piss off!
Piss off!
Piss...off!
Erm...
How about if you piss off, I'll take you swimming later?
Here we go.
LAUGHTER
Probably should have tried that earlier. Never mind.
Let's play Countdown!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Why not up the tension? It's time for...
..the tension round.
DRAMATIC STING
AUDIENCE:Ooh!
That's right, ooh!
In this game, we're playing for double points,
so the pressure is on.
Russell, how do you cope with pressure?
Imodium.
LAUGHTER
Do you get nervous? You get nervous, right?
I lost nearly half a stone when I first started stand-up.
Damn. Put it back on now in muscle, though.
HE KISSES
LAUGHTER
Sure. He's all 'roided up now. You're fine. OK.
Judi, do you get nervous?
Yes, I do.
I have the same effect as Russell, but, yeah...
..I don't lose weight.
Alan, how do you cope with loud bangs?
Oh, I hate loud bangs.
BANG! JONATHAN:Oh! Arsehole!
That could have been like Michael Jackson
when his head went on fire and got addicted to painkillers!
I think if your hair was going to catch fire,
it'd have to be a bloody good shot, wouldn't it?
AUDIENCE:Oooh!
At least mine ain't synthetic!
Yours'll go up more than mine, love.
Like a fire in Carpetright.
If anyone's hair was gonna go up...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's the tension round, everyone. DRAMATIC STING
And your time starts... You ready?
..now.
What are we doing? Oh! Hang on. No, wait.
No, no, no, wait! Wait!
We forgot something.
LAUGHTER
We forgot something.That WAS tense!
We didn't know what we were meant to be doing!
That was genuine!
In the studio, people going, "What? Are we?"
That was genuinely tense!
We were like, "What the fuck?"
So, Alan, pick the letters. Oh, my God.
Oh, Christ. RACHEL:Come on, Al.
Consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant.
Are you just showing off that you can say "consonant"?Yeah. D, S,
D, L.
Lovely. And then one more consonant.
N. And then four vowels, please.
E
U
E
Oh, no. What a load of shit.
All right. Fine. O. There we go.
OK, so it's the double points tension round.
DRAMATIC STING
Your time starts...
I don't trust you at all.
Now.
INTENSE MUSIC
KLAXON AND SIREN WAIL
LOUD VOICEOVER:Ten, nine,
eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three,
two, one...
BANG! Oh, Christ!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean... Who authorised that?
Did they realise... Authorised?
Did they realise they had a black chick on here with an afro?
Do you know how much product is in my hair that is flammable?
How much product is in your hair? Oh, my God, babes. All of it?
That's burning! Is that...
No, it's not me, is it? No.
You're not on fire.OK.
Well, I am. Ha-ha-ha!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Queen!
Alan, how many letters?Six.
Ooh!Ooh!
Judi, how many? Well, it depends on...
LAUGHTER
..if you want a Jamaican word or you want...
Sure, sure. I'll take a Jamaican word, but how many?
Five. OK.
Russell, how many?Five.
Jonathan?Eight.
ALL:Oh! No way!
OK. What was your word, Judi?
SEUNO
LAUGHTER
S-E... Yeah.
Move down the UNO.
Yeah. SEUNO. Yeah. There it is.
LAUGHTER
I want someone to tell me, in the ENGLISH dictionary,
that my Jamaican word is not real.
We have got some Jamaican words in here, but...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
LAUGHTER
It's everything, isn't it?
What does it mean, though? What does it...?
It means, "I see you over there."
SHE SNIFFS
LAUGHTER
Black Twitter, back me the fuck up, OK?
LAUGHTER
Even Black Twitter is going, "Do you know what?
"You're on your own there, Judi."
Russell, what was your five?
DOLLS. DOLLS, yeah. Alan, your six?
UNDOES. UNDOES. And, Jonathan, your eight?
I think my eight works. It's DELOUSED.
You are amazing. It's in. Yes!
DELOUSED!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's pretty good. It's pretty bloody good.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Mix the letters up time.
No, I can't... I never see it.
I'm gonna write it out like that.
BELL
Yes.GOSSIPING.
Oh, my God!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's, er...
It does beg the question -
who are you and what have you done with Joe Wilkinson?
Congratulations!
Joe and Rosie, you're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown jazz band kit!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media