1 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:05,360 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:07,400 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,440 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:09,880 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 5 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,680 Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Best Bits, 7 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,640 Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Best Bits, 8 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:39,880 a show about letters, numbers, 9 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,920 conundrums and the best bits from the last series. 10 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:42,480 conundrums and the best bits from the last series. 11 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:43,880 OK, let's meet tonight's players. 12 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,920 First up, it's Team Captain, Jon Richardson. 13 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:46,200 First up, it's Team Captain, Jon Richardson. 14 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,240 APPLAUSE 15 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:48,520 APPLAUSE 16 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,760 I'm not saying Jon is a freak 17 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,800 but when his parents walked into his teenage bedroom 18 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:54,200 but when his parents walked into his teenage bedroom 19 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,240 and caught him with a hoover on maximum suck mode, 20 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:56,800 and caught him with a hoover on maximum suck mode, 21 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,440 it was actually because he was doing the hoovering. 22 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,440 My parents divorced when I was young, but I'll take it. 23 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:03,800 My parents divorced when I was young, but I'll take it. 24 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,520 Yeah, it was your fault. 25 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,480 Jonathan has a very unique look. 26 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:11,920 I like to describe it as 27 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960 the bloated corpse of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen. 28 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:14,480 the bloated corpse of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen. 29 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,560 Don't take that, seriously. I'll be honest with you, 30 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,280 I think that's quite fair. 31 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,400 JIMMY LAUGHS 32 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,440 Can we see the full outfit? Cos the full outfit is everything. Yes, please. 33 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:23,920 Can we see the full outfit? Cos the full outfit is everything. Yes, please. 34 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,960 Yes, yes. It's got this... CHEERING, WOLF-WHISTLES 35 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:26,280 Yes, yes. It's got this... CHEERING, WOLF-WHISTLES 36 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,040 No, no, no, wait, the shoes. The shoes are... 37 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,080 The shoes. Oh, wow. Look at that. 38 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:30,680 The shoes. Oh, wow. Look at that. 39 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,960 And then wait until you see my pants, 40 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,320 you won't believe it. 41 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,360 I got this from my tailor in Indonesia. 42 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:35,640 I got this from my tailor in Indonesia. 43 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:36,920 Well, he's not really my tailor, 44 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,960 he's a bloke on Etsy, but he's in India. 45 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:39,600 he's a bloke on Etsy, but he's in India. 46 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:40,920 Have you ever met this man? 47 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,560 No, what if he didn't like me or what if I didn't like him? 48 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,600 Well, he clearly doesn't like you, look what he makes for you. 49 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:45,160 Well, he clearly doesn't like you, look what he makes for you. 50 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,200 LAUGHTER 51 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:47,480 LAUGHTER 52 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,520 He hates you! Look how he dresses you! 53 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:49,760 He hates you! Look how he dresses you! 54 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,280 Up against them this evening its Guest Team Captain Alan Carr. 55 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:54,720 Up against them this evening its Guest Team Captain Alan Carr. 56 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,120 Yeah. 57 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,160 APPLAUSE Thank you. 58 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:58,400 APPLAUSE Thank you. 59 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,600 Alan's first-ever acting role was 60 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,280 as Squealer the Pig in Animal Farm. 61 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,560 It was great, Alan, 62 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,120 but you can stop doing the voice now. 63 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,600 Yeah, yeah, I was a pig. I had this pig head like this, 64 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:13,600 Yeah, yeah, I was a pig. I had this pig head like this, 65 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,640 and I had these sticks and I burst in the room 66 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:15,920 and I had these sticks and I burst in the room 67 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,200 to show me mum and dad, 68 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,800 and the dog shat itself. 69 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,840 LAUGHTER 70 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:21,120 LAUGHTER 71 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,160 When Rosie's on television I don't see a disabled person, 72 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:23,720 When Rosie's on television I don't see a disabled person, 73 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,760 and that's because I don't watch anything she's in. 74 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:26,160 and that's because I don't watch anything she's in. 75 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,200 LAUGHTER 76 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,000 That's so harsh! 77 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,040 Wouldn't that you mean that you don't watch TV, then? 78 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,080 Wouldn't that you mean that you don't watch TV, then? 79 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,120 Wouldn't that you mean that you don't watch TV, then? 80 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,080 Wouldn't that you mean that you don't watch TV, then? 81 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,120 Cos I'm on everything. 82 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,040 Cos I'm on everything. 83 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,080 Phil Wang sounds like a bit of a rude name, 84 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:43,400 Phil Wang sounds like a bit of a rude name, 85 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:44,640 but it's even worse when you find out 86 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,680 his middle names are "Me Up With." 87 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:46,920 his middle names are "Me Up With." 88 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,320 Richard is pretty awkward. 89 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,360 He's the human equivalent of calling your teacher "Mummy." 90 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:52,720 He's the human equivalent of calling your teacher "Mummy." 91 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,840 He's as awkward as matching with your dad on Tinder. 92 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:56,640 He's as awkward as matching with your dad on Tinder. 93 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,600 Lee, what's your biggest regret in life? 94 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,200 I don't know. Probably either... 95 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,240 ..killing that man in a car park fight. 96 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:06,520 ..killing that man in a car park fight. 97 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,560 Or watching the Emoji Movie. 98 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:09,160 Or watching the Emoji Movie. 99 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,280 Probably that. 100 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,520 Trusting that that proctologist was a real one. 101 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:13,760 Trusting that that proctologist was a real one. 102 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:15,840 Was he in the park? 103 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,520 He was in a van at Threshers. 104 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,440 Jon, I've got a question for you. 105 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,480 You ever thought about getting a tattoo? What would you get? 106 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:22,880 You ever thought about getting a tattoo? What would you get? 107 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,640 I do think about it. 108 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,680 But it's more of a sort of intrusive thought. 109 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:27,000 But it's more of a sort of intrusive thought. 110 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,040 I think about it in the same way that I imagine, every now and again, 111 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:29,720 I think about it in the same way that I imagine, every now and again, 112 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,440 David Attenborough thinks, 113 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,480 "I wonder what would happen if I punched that gorilla?" 114 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:33,720 "I wonder what would happen if I punched that gorilla?" 115 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,840 He must think it every now and again. 116 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,240 "I could end this now." 117 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,360 You know, I tend to regret the cardigan I choose, 118 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,440 You know, I tend to regret the cardigan I choose, 119 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,480 so I don't really think tattoos are for me. 120 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,520 so I don't really think tattoos are for me. 121 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,560 I can see you getting a sort of practical tattoo, though. 122 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,080 I can see you getting a sort of practical tattoo, though. 123 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,120 Like a Boots loyalty card or something there. 124 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,160 Like a Boots loyalty card or something there. 125 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,240 Bloop! 126 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,280 I've got 47 quid on my Co-op card. 127 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:55,720 I've got 47 quid on my Co-op card. 128 00:03:58,240 --> 00:03:59,400 The Co-op's incredible. 129 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440 I don't care what you say, I think it might be the best store in the world. 130 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:01,880 I don't care what you say, I think it might be the best store in the world. 131 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,240 Because you buy a pint of milk, right? 132 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,960 You buy cigarettes, you can buy bread, 133 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,000 and they'll bury your nan. 134 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:07,240 and they'll bury your nan. 135 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,240 Yeah. 136 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,120 That's an incredible array of products. 137 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:12,440 That's an incredible array of products. 138 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,480 I bet there are people who'll do that for you in Lidl. 139 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:14,840 I bet there are people who'll do that for you in Lidl. 140 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,640 You've just got to know the right guy. 141 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,200 Only two feet. 142 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,000 You'll see her when it rains. 143 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:27,880 Err, Jack, all right, 144 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,680 the best and worst gift you've ever received. 145 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,720 Gift? Oh, my God! 146 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:32,000 Gift? Oh, my God! 147 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,040 I got given a shredder one year which is good. 148 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:34,360 I got given a shredder one year which is good. 149 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,600 Ooh, I'd imagine you'd love a shredder. 150 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,640 Yeah, I love a shredder, it's great for the cards, 151 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,320 Yeah, I love a shredder, it's great for the cards, 152 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,360 all the Christmas cards, straight in. 153 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:40,720 all the Christmas cards, straight in. 154 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,600 I just strap it to the letterbox 155 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,640 and when the postman comes they go straight in. 156 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:44,920 and when the postman comes they go straight in. 157 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,800 Into the shredder. 158 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,840 Who has ever had a card from someone 159 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:49,440 Who has ever had a card from someone 160 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,240 you have no idea who they are? 161 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,680 Oh, yeah. Really? You had one of those? 162 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,240 Yeah. I send those. 163 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,160 It's my hobby, 164 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,080 I like to do it before Christmas. 165 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:00,640 Make up, I go, "Dear Lee, 166 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,680 "happy Christmas. Love from Joan and Eric." 167 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:02,920 "happy Christmas. Love from Joan and Eric." 168 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,800 Well, that wouldn't work cos Joan and Eric are my mum and dad. 169 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,600 Well, that wouldn't work cos Joan and Eric are my mum and dad. 170 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,640 Ah. Like you get a card from your mum and dad. 171 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:10,120 Ah. Like you get a card from your mum and dad. 172 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,160 I don't actually, Jack, cos they're dead. Thanks for that! 173 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:12,960 I don't actually, Jack, cos they're dead. Thanks for that! 174 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,680 OK, Laura, have you got a mascot? I have, I have. What you got? 175 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,160 OK, Laura, have you got a mascot? I have, I have. What you got? 176 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,200 Holy... 177 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:20,680 Holy... 178 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,720 That's a Countdown... 179 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:23,640 That's a Countdown... 180 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,680 Winners teapot what I won off what I like to call the real Countdown. 181 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,720 Winners teapot what I won off what I like to call the real Countdown. 182 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,760 Winners teapot what I won off what I like to call the real Countdown. 183 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,040 Winners teapot what I won off what I like to call the real Countdown. 184 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,000 AUDIENCE:Oooh! 185 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,520 Err, I'm reliably informed this... 186 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:34,760 Sorry, Jon, you all right? 187 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,960 Yeah, Jon? Yeah, that's right. 188 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,520 Oh, sorry. 189 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,560 I'd have to review the footage. 190 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:39,840 I'd have to review the footage. 191 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,840 There was some really shit ones early on. 192 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,880 Err, well speaking of reviewing the foot, can we review the footage? 193 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:44,960 Err, well speaking of reviewing the foot, can we review the footage? 194 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,000 Yeah. You've got footage? This is genuinely, 195 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:47,320 Yeah. You've got footage? This is genuinely, 196 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,360 Laura is a Countdown champion, everyone. 197 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:49,880 Laura is a Countdown champion, everyone. 198 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,920 Wow! APPLAUSE 199 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:52,360 Wow! APPLAUSE 200 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,440 OK, Margaret. Five. 201 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:56,680 OK, Margaret. Five. 202 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,120 Yes. And, Laura? 203 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,160 Er, six. OK, hear five, then. 204 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:00,400 Er, six. OK, hear five, then. 205 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,440 SOUND. SOUND. Hear six. 206 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:02,720 SOUND. SOUND. Hear six. 207 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,160 GONADS 208 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,200 GONADS LAUGHTER 209 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:06,960 GONADS LAUGHTER 210 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,200 Yes. 211 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,320 We've got GONADS, here. 212 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:11,560 We've got GONADS, here. 213 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,240 Well done, Laura! 214 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,280 Obviously, you won the actual real Countdown. 215 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:16,680 Obviously, you won the actual real Countdown. 216 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,720 I won the real Countdown, I got a teapot. 217 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:19,040 I won the real Countdown, I got a teapot. 218 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,080 I think I got about 107, 104. That's how many... 219 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:21,360 I think I got about 107, 104. That's how many... 220 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,960 Wow. Thanks, Susie. 221 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,000 Brilliant. So, when was this? When was the win? 222 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:25,960 Brilliant. So, when was this? When was the win? 223 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,160 2004 maybe. 224 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,160 So, Jon's having a panic attack. Let's check in with him. 225 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,480 Yeah. All right, Jon? 226 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,520 2004, I think I was out shagging. Oh! 227 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:32,960 2004, I think I was out shagging. Oh! 228 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,000 LAUGHTER 229 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:35,200 LAUGHTER 230 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,560 Well... 231 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,600 Are you getting 2004 mixed up with never? 232 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,560 Are you getting 2004 mixed up with never? 233 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,560 I don't wanna read into the game, 234 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,600 but Margaret looked like she was upset by something. 235 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:45,920 but Margaret looked like she was upset by something. 236 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,600 I don't know what you said to her in the dressing room, 237 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,360 but it looked like you freaked Margaret out 238 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:50,640 and she shit herself. 239 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,680 So, you'll find me a tad harder to intimidate. 240 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:53,880 So, you'll find me a tad harder to intimidate. 241 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,880 Now, you used to be a teacher, right? 242 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,480 Is that going to help you tonight? 243 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,080 I don't think so. 244 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,120 Like, a lot of people assume that 245 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:02,400 Like, a lot of people assume that 246 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,440 you have to be clever to be a teacher. Bullshit. 247 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:04,680 you have to be clever to be a teacher. Bullshit. 248 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,680 If you can go in the room 249 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:08,920 If you can go in the room 250 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,480 and get 'em to shut up, 251 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,080 that's teaching right there. 252 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,520 Right. And what was your methodology for getting people to shut up? 253 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:16,760 Right. And what was your methodology for getting people to shut up? 254 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,800 I would often get called to classrooms where kids were misbehaving, 255 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:19,160 I would often get called to classrooms where kids were misbehaving, 256 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,200 and I found a technique that worked really well. I'd go in, 257 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:21,720 and I found a technique that worked really well. I'd go in, 258 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,760 I'd close the door, make sure there was no senior leadership team about. 259 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,440 I'd close the door, make sure there was no senior leadership team about. 260 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,480 And I'd say, "Shut the fuck up!" LAUGHTER 261 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,360 And I'd say, "Shut the fuck up!" LAUGHTER 262 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,080 And they'd usually go really quiet. 263 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,120 And did you always teach reception class or did you...? 264 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:32,400 And did you always teach reception class or did you...? 265 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,440 LAUGHTER 266 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:34,640 LAUGHTER 267 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,880 Rachel, we know you're good at numbers. 268 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,560 What are some things that you're really bad at? 269 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,600 The worst thing for me is my singing. 270 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:42,920 The worst thing for me is my singing. 271 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,960 I once had a microphone confiscated during karaoke. 272 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,280 I once had a microphone confiscated during karaoke. 273 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,320 Can we get a little...?No. No, no, but just...?No. 274 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:48,680 Can we get a little...?No. No, no, but just...?No. 275 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:49,880 No, I've got, erm, 276 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,920 I've got a cot, when the baby was born I got a cot 277 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,960 that you press a button, and it listens for when she cries, 278 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:54,320 that you press a button, and it listens for when she cries, 279 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,360 and when she cries it kinds of shushes her 280 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:56,640 and when she cries it kinds of shushes her 281 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,400 and escalates up four levels. 282 00:07:58,440 --> 00:07:59,920 And I was singing her a lullaby once 283 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,960 and it started cos it thought she was crying. 284 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:02,240 and it started cos it thought she was crying. 285 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,280 Can we get a little bit? No. 286 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,320 No, but I wanna hear something, I need to... 287 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:07,640 No, but I wanna hear something, I need to... 288 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,680 You can't just say, "I'm a bad singer," and then just leave us... 289 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:10,000 You can't just say, "I'm a bad singer," and then just leave us... 290 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,040 Can't you just...? You give her a feedline, Jimmy. 291 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:12,440 Can't you just...? You give her a feedline, Jimmy. 292 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,360 A duet. Duet, duet, duet! A duet? 293 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,080 Well, I've got a beautiful voice. 294 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,120 No, I don't believe you've got a good voice. I think... No way. 295 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:18,800 No, I don't believe you've got a good voice. I think... No way. 296 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,840 What do you mean....? Why are you saying I don't have a good voice? No way. 297 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:21,240 What do you mean....? Why are you saying I don't have a good voice? No way. 298 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,280 HE CROONS # Where it began 299 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:23,640 HE CROONS # Where it began 300 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,680 # I can't begin to know it. # 301 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,400 Oh, you sing like a wanker. 302 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,440 LAUGHTER 303 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:29,640 LAUGHTER 304 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,840 You came in so fast, like you've been waiting all night. 305 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,040 You came in so fast, like you've been waiting all night. 306 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,720 And then you went... IMITATES JIMMY 307 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,080 And then you went... IMITATES JIMMY 308 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,520 Do another one. Do it again. 309 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,320 Do another one, all right, I mean name a tune? 310 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,880 I'm just trying to think of a song...Moon River. 311 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,920 Moon River, yeah. Come on, do Moon River, ya tosser. 312 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:46,440 Moon River, yeah. Come on, do Moon River, ya tosser. 313 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,480 LAUGHTER 314 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:48,760 LAUGHTER 315 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,160 I'll do it randomly at some point during the show. 316 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:53,680 I'll do it randomly at some point during the show. 317 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,120 We're not moving on until you have. 318 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,160 We're not moving on until we get Moon River. 319 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:57,600 We're not moving on until we get Moon River. 320 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,000 I can... If I don't look at them I think I can do it. 321 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,040 Even now, he's not about to do it! It's ridiculous. 322 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,160 Even now, he's not about to do it! It's ridiculous. 323 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,200 Come on, you can do it. We believe in you. 324 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:07,520 Come on, you can do it. We believe in you. 325 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,080 I can't... 326 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,480 What do you mean? Just go for it! OK. 327 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,240 What do you mean? Just go for it! OK. 328 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,280 ROISIN LAUGHS 329 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:15,680 ROISIN LAUGHS 330 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,720 Well, that's not helping! Don't look, 331 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:18,040 Well, that's not helping! Don't look, 332 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,760 I think we've got a real shot at this. 333 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,840 ROISIN LAUGHS 334 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:24,560 ROISIN LAUGHS 335 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,600 You've gotta come in quick, I can't hold it for that long. Yeah, you've gotta move it. 336 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:27,480 You've gotta come in quick, I can't hold it for that long. Yeah, you've gotta move it. 337 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,520 I came in too quick last time and I was ridiculed. 338 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:30,880 I came in too quick last time and I was ridiculed. 339 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,680 It's when you look romantically down 340 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,360 the camera like you're sat on a stool. 341 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,200 OK, I'm gonna randomly sing Moon River 342 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:38,480 OK, I'm gonna randomly sing Moon River 343 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,520 at some point in the show. But now, 344 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:40,880 at some point in the show. But now, 345 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,240 the prize the teams will be competing 346 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,280 for tonight is this - the Countdown Wheelie trainers. 347 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:44,880 for tonight is this - the Countdown Wheelie trainers. 348 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,920 Whey! CHEERING 349 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:47,320 Whey! CHEERING 350 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,520 What's going on?! 351 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:55,800 What's going on?! 352 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,600 Good luck getting those off him. 353 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,680 What size is Fabio? I want them. 354 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,720 What size is Fabio? It's about seven inches on the slack. 355 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:07,960 What size is Fabio? It's about seven inches on the slack. 356 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,520 IMITATING JIMMY:He's about seven inches on the slack. 357 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:11,840 IMITATING JIMMY:He's about seven inches on the slack. 358 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,880 # Moon... # LAUGHTER 359 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:14,120 # Moon... # LAUGHTER 360 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,640 # Wider than a mile. # 361 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,280 We haven't even started playing Countdown yet. 362 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,680 I pulled out, there was shit all over it. 363 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,720 # Come fly with me... # 364 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,080 # Come fly with me... # 365 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,120 LAUGHTER 366 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:29,320 LAUGHTER 367 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,760 He really wants to sing! 368 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,040 He really wants to sing! 369 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,080 He wants to be taken seriously! 370 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:36,280 He wants to be taken seriously! 371 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000 He's sat watching the Alexander Armstrong adverts at Christmas. 372 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:40,520 He's sat watching the Alexander Armstrong adverts at Christmas. 373 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:41,840 "It could have been me!" 374 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,360 Let's Countdown, everyone. 375 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:46,640 It's the perfect time to sing. 376 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,680 # Moon... # LAUGHTER 377 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:48,960 # Moon... # LAUGHTER 378 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,600 I know, I talked over it. 379 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,640 It sounded like he was gonna be sick. PRETENDS TO RETCH 380 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:52,960 It sounded like he was gonna be sick. PRETENDS TO RETCH 381 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,360 LAUGHTER 382 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,720 Oh, I just want to get to the judges houses, 383 00:10:58,760 --> 00:10:59,880 I don't even care about winning. 384 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,360 OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game, 385 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:03,680 OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game, 386 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,720 Richard, Laura you get the first pick of the letters. 387 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:06,000 Richard, Laura you get the first pick of the letters. 388 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,040 Please. We're with a pro here. 389 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:08,680 Please. We're with a pro here. 390 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,360 Thank you. Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? 391 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,800 Thank you, Laura. 392 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,840 R. And another, please. 393 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:14,720 R. And another, please. 394 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,560 M. And another. 395 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,880 C 396 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,640 And another, please. 397 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,680 P. And a vowel. 398 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,000 P. And a vowel. 399 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,800 E. And another vowel. 400 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,720 O. And another vowel. 401 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,760 A. And another, please. 402 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:29,280 A. And another, please. 403 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,720 U. You're crazy for those vowels. 404 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,760 And... Four vowels, five consonants is optimum. 405 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,200 And... Four vowels, five consonants is optimum. 406 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,040 And another consonant, please. 407 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:39,760 And an optimum D. 408 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,600 I might do my recycling while this is going on. 409 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,640 And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock. 410 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:44,080 And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock. 411 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,520 CHEERING 412 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:06,600 CHEERING 413 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,840 Oh, Jesus. 414 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,360 LAUGHTER 415 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:11,560 LAUGHTER 416 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,200 APPLAUSE 417 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:18,440 APPLAUSE 418 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,520 Sorry, Susie, I just... Cos it's dog shit. 419 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:24,800 Sorry, Susie, I just... Cos it's dog shit. 420 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,840 LAUGHTER 421 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:27,120 LAUGHTER 422 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,080 It's a very good book, I'm very sorry. 423 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,200 Thank you, have you read it? 424 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,240 What?! LAUGHTER 425 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,240 What?! LAUGHTER 426 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,160 OK, Jon, how many? 427 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,920 Er, seven. 428 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960 Ooh! Katherine, how many? 429 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:39,240 Ooh! Katherine, how many? 430 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,800 Eight. Woo! 431 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,720 Richard, how many?Five. 432 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,760 OK, a solid five. That's nice. 433 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,360 I just really got into the music actually, 434 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,400 it's been counter-productive. 435 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:49,720 it's been counter-productive. 436 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,760 What were you listening to? What wasn't I listening to? 437 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,040 What were you listening to? What wasn't I listening to? 438 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,080 The Countdown Clock? That's right. 439 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:55,360 The Countdown Clock? That's right. 440 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,920 You got it in one, Jim. 441 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,640 OK. 442 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,680 What I like is that I feel like I look like I'm at 443 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,400 What I like is that I feel like I look like I'm at 444 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,440 the United Nations, but from a fun country. 445 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:03,680 the United Nations, but from a fun country. 446 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,120 APPLAUSE 447 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:10,360 APPLAUSE 448 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,080 I know. Our contribution to this debate isn't really significant. 449 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,160 I know. Our contribution to this debate isn't really significant. 450 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,440 Laura, how many?Erm, seven. 451 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:19,680 Laura, how many?Erm, seven. 452 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:20,760 Well, Richard, let's hear your five. 453 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:21,880 MOPED. 454 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,880 MOPED, I MOPED. 455 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,320 OK, Jon, your seven? 456 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,400 Er, well, I had CRAMPED. 457 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,440 There is a nine up there, but it's only a word in Norfolk, 458 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,240 There is a nine up there, but it's only a word in Norfolk, 459 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,280 and it's what they do their homework on, 460 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:32,560 and it's what they do their homework on, 461 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,840 a COMPUDER. 462 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,600 Laura, your seven. 463 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,640 Erm, COMPARED. No, that's eight. 464 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:41,880 Erm, COMPARED. No, that's eight. 465 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,440 Yeah. Oh, fuck! 466 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,800 I got COMPARED, but I said eight, so I win! 467 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,120 I got COMPARED, but I said eight, so I win! 468 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,440 Countdown rules, you're wrong. Argh! 469 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,640 Sorry. 470 00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:51,400 Well, I'll tell you what, 471 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,440 I've never seen this side of Katherine Ryan before. 472 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:54,240 I've never seen this side of Katherine Ryan before. 473 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,480 Somewhere at home now, 474 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,320 Margaret is pissing herself. 475 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,400 "Fuck you!" 476 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,760 I got eight, Jimmy. Mate. 477 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,560 No, she hasn't. She's got nothing. I was too humble, 478 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:06,800 that's my problem. 479 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,840 I can't believe Katherine Ryan is properly going, "She's got nothing!" 480 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,000 I can't believe Katherine Ryan is properly going, "She's got nothing!" 481 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,000 You got MO-PED, and he pronounced it MOPED. 482 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:14,560 You got MO-PED, and he pronounced it MOPED. 483 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,280 That's what we call it. 484 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:18,520 That's what we call it. 485 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,320 The reason it's called a MO-PED is 486 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,360 because you're sad you've not got a motorbike. 487 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:22,640 because you're sad you've not got a motorbike. 488 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,440 It's MOPED. 489 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,480 And Katherine, what is your eight-letter word, pray tell? 490 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:27,400 And Katherine, what is your eight-letter word, pray tell? 491 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,440 My eight-letter word is COMPARED, and now what are you gonna do? 492 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,440 My eight-letter word is COMPARED, and now what are you gonna do? 493 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,480 It's eight points to you.Yeah! CHEERING 494 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,440 It's eight points to you.Yeah! CHEERING 495 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:34,840 Oh, my God. 496 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,280 It's the lights, it's the bright lights. 497 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,600 Its Susie remembering me, 498 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,080 everything got to me. That's what happened. 499 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,120 Oh, so they did not have lights in 2004? 500 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:43,400 Oh, so they did not have lights in 2004? 501 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,680 Am I the least nerdy person here? 502 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:47,920 Am I the least nerdy person here? 503 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:48,840 Yes. 504 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,000 Is that what's happened? 505 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:52,280 Is that what's happened? 506 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,000 Whatever, I don't even care about this. 507 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,760 Shut up, sir, I'm not listening. 508 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:57,960 Shut up, sir, I'm not listening. 509 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,440 It's a bit like working in John Lewis. 510 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,080 Which is sort of where you belong. 511 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,360 I'd like to be in a department store actually, a floor walker. 512 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,080 I'd like to be in a department store actually, a floor walker. 513 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,280 Oh.Yeah. 514 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,800 You'd frighten me if you worked in a... 515 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,240 I think you'd be you'd be thinking, "She's got no money." 516 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:14,960 I think you'd be you'd be thinking, "She's got no money." 517 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,920 Are you sure you're in the right place, madam? 518 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,040 Yeah, perhaps I would. Yeah. 519 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,240 There's the revolving door, 520 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,280 it revolves outwards as well. LAUGHTER 521 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,000 it revolves outwards as well. LAUGHTER 522 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,040 I had that once when I was walking around Saks in New York. 523 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,080 I had that once when I was walking around Saks in New York. 524 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,120 Oh, yeah?And they looked at me like I was just looking for the toilet, 525 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:27,800 Oh, yeah?And they looked at me like I was just looking for the toilet, 526 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,200 and to be fair, I was. 527 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,000 I, erm... I'm deciding whether to say this or not. 528 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:34,360 I, erm... I'm deciding whether to say this or not. 529 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,360 So, the other day... It's sort of a bit similar 530 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,400 to what you were talking about. So, I went into Oliver Bonas. 531 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,440 Oh, I love Oliver Bonas. What the hell is that shop? 532 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,720 Oh, I love Oliver Bonas. What the hell is that shop? 533 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,000 I don't know. 534 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,040 But I went in the other day and, erm, 535 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:45,360 But I went in the other day and, erm, 536 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,400 well, the thing is I farted, erm, but it was loud. 537 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,760 well, the thing is I farted, erm, but it was loud. 538 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,120 It was, erm... 539 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,920 "I'm definitely gonna want this as an out" thing. 540 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,120 Yeah, go on. 541 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,160 I farted and I went... I was sort of stunned, 542 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:55,480 I farted and I went... I was sort of stunned, 543 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,440 I was like, "Oh, I heard that. I definitely heard that." 544 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,360 And then... LAUGHTER 545 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,400 I don't go farting loudly in shops, you know, 546 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:01,720 I don't go farting loudly in shops, you know, 547 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,720 you know, and then I look over... Mmm... 548 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,760 And then I look over 549 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:06,040 And then I look over 550 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,640 and I swear to God, on everyone's life, 551 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,680 the lady says to the other lady, 552 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:10,240 the lady says to the other lady, 553 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,280 "I'll go and get the spray." LAUGHTER 554 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:12,840 "I'll go and get the spray." LAUGHTER 555 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,240 I swear to God. 556 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,240 APPLAUSE 557 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,040 You're lucky though, cos they've got 558 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,040 a lot of scented candles in there. 559 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,880 I mean, the whole thing could have exploded. 560 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,920 LAUGHTER 561 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,200 LAUGHTER 562 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,240 I was once walking around... If we're doing fart stories. 563 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:32,560 I was once walking around... If we're doing fart stories. 564 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,240 Yeah, sure, why not? Why wouldn't we? 565 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,280 I was once walking around London with my friend 566 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:36,920 I was once walking around London with my friend 567 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,000 and I did, like, a nasty fart, 568 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,040 like a hot one. LAUGHTER 569 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:41,480 like a hot one. LAUGHTER 570 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,280 And my friend genuinely said, 571 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,320 "Are we near a zoo?" Genuinely. 572 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:45,560 "Are we near a zoo?" Genuinely. 573 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,600 LAUGHTER 574 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,240 LAUGHTER 575 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,400 Oh! 576 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:50,400 Wow! 577 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,920 Wow. 578 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,160 And here is your teaser. 579 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,200 The words are STRIP LEE, the clue is - looks a bit scaly. 580 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:56,920 The words are STRIP LEE, the clue is - looks a bit scaly. 581 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,600 That's STRIP LEE - looks a bit scaly. 582 00:16:58,640 --> 00:16:59,640 See you after the break. 583 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,880 Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, 584 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,920 the words were STRIP LEE, the clue was - looks a bit scaly. 585 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:21,320 the words were STRIP LEE, the clue was - looks a bit scaly. 586 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,040 It was, of course, REPTILES. 587 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,800 On with another letters game. 588 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,840 Jon, Joe, you're going head-to-head this round 589 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:27,640 Jon, Joe, you're going head-to-head this round 590 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,400 and we're gonna make things more interesting, 591 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,440 we're gonna play for double points in... 592 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:31,760 we're gonna play for double points in... 593 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,800 ..The Lightning Round. THUNDERCLAP 594 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,000 ..The Lightning Round. THUNDERCLAP 595 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,560 I don't wanna play in the Lightning Round. LAUGHTER 596 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:39,560 I don't wanna play in the Lightning Round. LAUGHTER 597 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,600 You've each been fitted with an electric shock... 598 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:41,880 You've each been fitted with an electric shock... 599 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,680 Oh, no! 600 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,520 ..so at any stage in this, you might receive 601 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,440 an electric shock. I'll test them now. 602 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,480 So, Jon's first... JOE SCREAMS 603 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:50,000 So, Jon's first... JOE SCREAMS 604 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,240 Well, that's clearly... 605 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,280 That's... I apologise, I got them mixed up. 606 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:55,960 That's... I apologise, I got them mixed up. 607 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,240 I'm just saying that was... Oh, my God. 608 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,440 So, Jon. 609 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,440 Oi, Jim, hold on. What sorry? 610 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,480 Is that a must? LAUGHTER 611 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:05,000 Is that a must? LAUGHTER 612 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,520 What, Joe? 613 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,360 It's so funny when it's not you. 614 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,720 Joe, what was...? What were you...? 615 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,360 No, you were... Well, if you're gonna... 616 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,520 What is it, a complaint? Are you OK? 617 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,560 Yes. LAUGHTER 618 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:16,840 Yes. LAUGHTER 619 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:17,720 Are you sure? 620 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,680 Argh! LAUGHTER 621 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,120 Well, this could be the rest of the show. 622 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,680 Oh, I need to... Fuck! JOE LAUGHS 623 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:25,120 Oh, I need to... Fuck! JOE LAUGHS 624 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,160 JON SCREAMS 625 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:27,680 JON SCREAMS 626 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,080 These are tremendous! 627 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,960 Argh! 628 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,760 He is crying from his nose now. 629 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,800 LAUGHTER 630 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:35,040 LAUGHTER 631 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,080 Ooh! 632 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,120 People pay for this, though, Joe. Do they? Yeah. 633 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:38,880 People pay for this, though, Joe. Do they? Yeah. 634 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,840 Sort your haemorrhoids out. Oh! 635 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,880 Now, you've played the Lightning Round before, 636 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:43,160 Now, you've played the Lightning Round before, 637 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,320 this is for double points. 638 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,760 There's gonna be a few distractions round 639 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,680 and just randomly you might get shocked a couple of times. 640 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,480 LUCY GASPS But this is all about focus, right? 641 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,280 Trying to focus while this is going on. 642 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,440 Piece of work! 643 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:53,760 Are you...? You're all right at this. 644 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,800 Weren't you good at it last time? You got like a seven-letter word. 645 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:56,280 Weren't you good at it last time? You got like a seven-letter word. 646 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,320 JOE LAUGHS 647 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:58,560 JOE LAUGHS 648 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,480 You're gonna get me when I'm talking. 649 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,520 JON SCREAMS 650 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:03,960 JON SCREAMS 651 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,040 You know this was an experiment they did. 652 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:08,360 You know this was an experiment they did. 653 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,400 What was it like, security guards and inmates 654 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:10,720 What was it like, security guards and inmates 655 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,440 and then they swapped? Stanford Prison. Yeah. 656 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,480 We'll be swapping for the next round. 657 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:14,760 We'll be swapping for the next round. 658 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,480 We're gonna pin you down. 659 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,040 We could pin him down and sit... 660 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,840 I... JOE CHUCKLES 661 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,880 HE STAMMERS I'm not gonna. 662 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:22,160 HE STAMMERS I'm not gonna. 663 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,200 LAUGHTER 664 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:24,400 LAUGHTER 665 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,120 OK, er, Jon, pick the letters. 666 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,720 TENSELY:Consonant, please, Rachel. 667 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,640 W. Another one. 668 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,400 F. A vowel. 669 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:36,640 F. A vowel. 670 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,960 E 671 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000 Two consonants, please. 672 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:42,400 Two consonants, please. 673 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,320 No, I'm afraid you have to do them one by one. 674 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,400 I'll have that P, then. 675 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,120 P. And then... 676 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,880 Just get on with it, Jimmy, cos its killing me. 677 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,720 A vowel, please. The tension is killing me. 678 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,760 JOE SCREAMS 679 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:53,960 JOE SCREAMS 680 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,000 JOE SCREAMS 681 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:58,200 JOE SCREAMS 682 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,240 JON GROANS 683 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:02,440 JON GROANS 684 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:04,920 You've just created a safe space 685 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960 for sadism, that's what you've done. 686 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:07,520 for sadism, that's what you've done. 687 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,200 Consonant, please. 688 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,240 L. Consonant, please. 689 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:11,480 L. Consonant, please. 690 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,600 S. A vowel, please. 691 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:14,880 S. A vowel, please. 692 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,160 U 693 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,200 Erm, and a consonant, please. 694 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:19,440 Erm, and a consonant, please. 695 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,000 And the last one, good luck. 696 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,640 B. So, for double points, 697 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,560 it's the Countdown Lightning Round. 698 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,600 Your time starts... JOE:Oh, shit! 699 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:26,920 Your time starts... JOE:Oh, shit! 700 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,840 ..now. JOE SCREAMS 701 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,760 Gosh. ELECTRICITY CRACKLES 702 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,760 LOUD EXPLOSION, AUDIENCE SCREAMS 703 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,360 ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, JOE SCREAMS 704 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:38,560 ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, JOE SCREAMS 705 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,520 JON GROANS 706 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,280 SCREAMS 707 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,520 JON GROANS, JOE SCREAMS 708 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:47,720 JON GROANS, JOE SCREAMS 709 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,720 JON GROANS Can't even hold a pen! 710 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:51,520 JON GROANS Can't even hold a pen! 711 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,040 JON GROANS 712 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:56,240 JON GROANS 713 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,240 JON SCREAMS 714 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:02,520 JON SCREAMS 715 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 716 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:04,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 717 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:07,720 Jon, how many did you get? 718 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,760 Oh! I'll try a seven. 719 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,240 Oh! I'll try a seven. 720 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,760 OK, Joe, how many?Five. 721 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,800 JON SCREAMS 722 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:14,000 JON SCREAMS 723 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,960 JON CHUCKLES You can't get me while he's talking. 724 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,160 JON CHUCKLES You can't get me while he's talking. 725 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,680 I'm so hot. 726 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,720 You can't electrocute someone in a cardigan. 727 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:21,960 You can't electrocute someone in a cardigan. 728 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,920 It's a human rights issue. 729 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:26,600 It's a human rights issue. 730 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:27,960 OK, Joe, what was your five? 731 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,960 BUSES. Your seven? 732 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,360 PUBLESS. 733 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,040 Susie, is PUBLESS in there? 734 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,640 No. 735 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,000 It's not there. 736 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,040 Be annoying if all that was for nothing, wouldn't it? 737 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:38,360 Be annoying if all that was for nothing, wouldn't it? 738 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,400 OK, so that's double points. So, ten points to Joe. 739 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,200 OK, so that's double points. So, ten points to Joe. 740 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,240 JON GROANS 741 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:44,440 JON GROANS 742 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,240 You're not gonna do the fucking numbers round 743 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,520 where you've got a harpoon 744 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,560 and we have to do it running around the studio? 745 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:53,960 and we have to do it running around the studio? 746 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,720 Alan, have you got a mascot? What have you brought? 747 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,760 I've got a mascot. Well, I'm recently been single, 748 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:58,040 I've got a mascot. Well, I'm recently been single, 749 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,080 so I'm single, ready to mingle. 750 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:00,880 so I'm single, ready to mingle. 751 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,920 And I wanna get on the dating apps, you see. Ooh! 752 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:03,240 And I wanna get on the dating apps, you see. Ooh! 753 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,280 So, you know I am the most un-photogenic person ever? 754 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,480 So, you know I am the most un-photogenic person ever? 755 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,520 I am, I am. So, I've tried to find a nice photo. 756 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,800 I am, I am. So, I've tried to find a nice photo. 757 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,840 Now there's one nice photo of me, 758 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:12,120 Now there's one nice photo of me, 759 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,800 cos you know when people ask for selfies, 760 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,640 you know, members of the public, and you take them 761 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,080 and they go, "Oh, can you delete that? 762 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,120 "I look ugly in that" And I'm like, 763 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:19,400 "I look ugly in that" And I'm like, 764 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,440 "You're ugly in real life, love." Do you know what I mean? 765 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:21,680 "You're ugly in real life, love." Do you know what I mean? 766 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,280 So, I found this lovely photo of me and I wanna replicate it. 767 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,080 So, I found this lovely photo of me and I wanna replicate it. 768 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,360 It's in my bathroom, can I show you? 769 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,600 Yeah, sure.Yes, yeah. 770 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,640 And I feel I'm gonna have so much dick. 771 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:31,320 And I feel I'm gonna have so much dick. 772 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,320 Honestly, I'm gonna have dick for breakfast, 773 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:35,600 Honestly, I'm gonna have dick for breakfast, 774 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,360 dick for lunch, dick for tea. 775 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,280 Honestly, I look so fit. 776 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,760 And when I saw the photo, 777 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,800 even I was like, "Phwoar! I'd bang it." You know what I mean? 778 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:43,800 even I was like, "Phwoar! I'd bang it." You know what I mean? 779 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,840 LAUGHTER 780 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:46,040 LAUGHTER 781 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,280 This is the photo? 782 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,320 This is the photo where I look fit! 783 00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:55,520 This is the photo where I look fit! 784 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,600 And because I'm a bit kinky and I'm into pleasure and pain, 785 00:22:58,640 --> 00:22:59,320 And because I'm a bit kinky and I'm into pleasure and pain, 786 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:00,840 I'm up the tap end. 787 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,880 LAUGHTER 788 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:03,080 LAUGHTER 789 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:06,680 And listen... 790 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,360 ..if I wanna look cute, if I wanna look cute, 791 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,360 ..if I wanna look cute, if I wanna look cute, 792 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,400 I put some suds on me nose, like that, yeah? 793 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,160 I put some suds on me nose, like that, yeah? 794 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,880 On your glasses, Alan? 795 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,920 Oh, is it on me glass? Oh, yeah, shit, I can't see. 796 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:19,240 Oh, is it on me glass? Oh, yeah, shit, I can't see. 797 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,280 And you know, if I wanna be slutty... 798 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:21,520 And you know, if I wanna be slutty... 799 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,480 ..I've got a flake I can suck on. 800 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:25,720 ..I've got a flake I can suck on. 801 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,600 LAUGHTER 802 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,680 Alan Carr, everyone. 803 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,080 Before we go on, 804 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,960 its Christmas, so let's play a quick game 805 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,160 of Pull My Cracker. 806 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,200 CHRISTMAS JINGLE PLAYS 807 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,240 CHRISTMAS JINGLE PLAYS 808 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,280 OK, here's how this works. 809 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:43,560 OK, here's how this works. 810 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,520 I read the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes. 811 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,560 All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know 812 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:47,880 All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know 813 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:49,200 the punch line. It couldn't be easier. 814 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,240 You ready? How does a snowman get to work? 815 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:51,560 You ready? How does a snowman get to work? 816 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,600 BUZZER Lee? 817 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:53,920 BUZZER Lee? 818 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:54,760 I didn't press the button. No, I did. 819 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,200 Oh, go on. Jack, sorry. 820 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,240 Why has he got a button under the table?! Why has he got a different button? 821 00:23:58,280 --> 00:23:58,560 Why has he got a button under the table?! Why has he got a different button? 822 00:23:58,600 --> 00:23:59,560 I wondered how you were doing that, 823 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,600 I thought you had an electric penis! LAUGHTER 824 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:02,440 I thought you had an electric penis! LAUGHTER 825 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,480 What was the question again? 826 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,000 What do you mean what was the question? You buzzed! 827 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:07,520 Or do you just wanna get out the bath? 828 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,640 How does a snowman get to work? 829 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,680 Er, well, obviously if it's in July, in a bucket. 830 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:14,920 Er, well, obviously if it's in July, in a bucket. 831 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,600 Go on. A snow mobile? 832 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:20,120 Go on. A snow mobile? 833 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,000 Well, that's a bit practical rather than a joke. 834 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,520 I know but... 835 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,080 Is it a Ford Fiesta two litre engine? 836 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,080 LAUGHTER 837 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,120 Icicle cause it rhymes with bicycle. 838 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:29,880 Icicle cause it rhymes with bicycle. 839 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,920 By icicle, I'll give you that, yeah, that's the right answer. 840 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:32,360 By icicle, I'll give you that, yeah, that's the right answer. 841 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:33,720 Bi-icicle? 842 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,320 By icicle. Oh, you're so politically correct. 843 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,360 LAUGHTER 844 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:37,720 LAUGHTER 845 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,600 Why doesn't Santa use the NHS? 846 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,360 BUZZER Ah, well. Here we go. 847 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,880 Cos he's not a UK resident. 848 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,920 LAUGHTER 849 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:45,120 LAUGHTER 850 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,800 I...I. I think I know it. BUZZER 851 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,080 Yeah, go on. Can I can I say? 852 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,120 Er, cos he's got private elf care. 853 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:54,360 Er, cos he's got private elf care. 854 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:55,760 That's the right answer, yes. 855 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,400 What does Santa spend his wages on? 856 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,440 Oh! BUZZER 857 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,480 All his different hoes in area codes? 858 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:01,720 All his different hoes in area codes? 859 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,760 Frostitutes. 860 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,800 LAUGHTER 861 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:07,000 LAUGHTER 862 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,200 It was in fact jingle bills. 863 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,240 Where do elves go to dance? 864 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:16,520 Where do elves go to dance? 865 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,560 BUZZER The jailhouse. 866 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:18,840 BUZZER The jailhouse. 867 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:21,840 What? What? 868 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:23,000 Read it again. 869 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,000 LAUGHTER 870 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,040 Oh, sorry! Elves. 871 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:27,360 Oh, sorry! Elves. 872 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,400 JIMMY LAUGHS 873 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:29,600 JIMMY LAUGHS 874 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,680 Might be, er, Christmas balls. 875 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:33,520 Might be, er, Christmas balls. 876 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,880 Christmas... I'll give you that. Ibiza! 877 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,560 Snowballs is the right answer, yeah. 878 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,480 Ah, yeah, snow balls. Jack Dee's absolutely won this. 879 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,520 Five bonus points to Jon and Jack. 880 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:40,840 Five bonus points to Jon and Jack. 881 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,680 Oh, no! APPLAUSE 882 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,040 Sorry. 883 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,440 I look forward to being your nan at Christmas, 884 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:47,760 I look forward to being your nan at Christmas, 885 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,720 playing charades. LAUGHTER 886 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,760 "Another point for me, Nana. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" 887 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:52,000 "Another point for me, Nana. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" 888 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,880 My nan's not alive any more, Lee. 889 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,920 Yeah, you piece of shit. Piece of shit! 890 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:57,240 Yeah, you piece of shit. Piece of shit! 891 00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:58,840 That'll teach her to get in a car with my parents. 892 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,320 Its particularly poignant of you to bring that up, 893 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,360 she actually died at Christmas when we were playing 894 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:04,800 she actually died at Christmas when we were playing 895 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,120 a game of charades. 896 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,800 She had a fit and... 897 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,840 ..she died with us all around her going, "Is it a book or a film?" 898 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:10,880 ..she died with us all around her going, "Is it a book or a film?" 899 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:14,960 And here is your teaser. 900 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,000 The words are FERAL TUG and the clue is - that was lovely, thank you. 901 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,960 The words are FERAL TUG and the clue is - that was lovely, thank you. 902 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000 That's FERAL TUG - that was lovely, thank you. 903 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:21,640 That's FERAL TUG - that was lovely, thank you. 904 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:22,840 See you after the break. 905 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,240 APPLAUSE 906 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,320 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, 907 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,360 the words were FERAL TUG, the clue was - 908 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:44,640 the words were FERAL TUG, the clue was - 909 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:45,600 that was lovely, thank you. 910 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:46,960 It was of course, GRATEFUL. 911 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,800 Susie, you recently started a new podcast. 912 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:49,880 How's that's been going? 913 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,920 Well, I know what you're thinking, but it's actually been really fun. 914 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:52,760 Well, I know what you're thinking, but it's actually been really fun. 915 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,800 LAUGHTER I had a good chat with Jon. 916 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:55,040 LAUGHTER I had a good chat with Jon. 917 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,440 We've talked about some great stuff. 918 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,480 We talked about the fear of falling, fear of death. 919 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,480 We talked about the fear of falling, fear of death. 920 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:02,520 We talked about his nan's electric can opener. 921 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:03,680 We talked about his nan's electric can opener. 922 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,000 We talked about how white goods are going to outlive us. 923 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:09,840 We talked about how white goods are going to outlive us. 924 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,080 What were you trying to do, sedate an elephant? 925 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:13,320 What were you trying to do, sedate an elephant? 926 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,520 Erm, what else did we talk about? 927 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:17,760 We talked about swearing, didn't we? 928 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,760 We did talk about swearing, yeah. 929 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,000 Favourite swear, Susie? 930 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,040 Well, David and I share the same - bollocks. 931 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:23,600 Well, David and I share the same - bollocks. 932 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,280 You share the same bollocks? 933 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,400 Susie, you're giving him ammo! 934 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:30,200 Susie, you're giving him ammo! 935 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,920 Erm, could we have a vowel, please, Anne-Marie? 936 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:34,680 Erm, could we have a vowel, please, Anne-Marie? 937 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,720 E. Consonant. 938 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:37,240 E. Consonant. 939 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,280 P. Consonant. 940 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:39,600 P. Consonant. 941 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:40,720 S 942 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,760 Er... Another consonant. 943 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:43,000 Er... Another consonant. 944 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,040 D. A vowel. 945 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:45,360 D. A vowel. 946 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,440 O 947 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:47,760 A vowel. 948 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:48,840 A 949 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,480 Oh, a different vowel. 950 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,120 E. No, not the right vowel. 951 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:54,360 E. No, not the right vowel. 952 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,120 A consonant. 953 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,280 Z 954 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,320 Oh, come on, Anne-Marie! Who wants a Z?! 955 00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:00,160 Oh, come on, Anne-Marie! Who wants a Z?! 956 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,880 We are trying to make the fun version of this show, 957 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,760 not the dog-shit version in the afternoon, so... 958 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:04,840 LAUGHTER 959 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,600 Do you wanna change... What? 960 00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:10,360 I'm getting ready. Look, the 30 seconds is coming up, I've got to... 961 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:10,840 I'm getting ready. Look, the 30 seconds is coming up, I've got to... 962 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,880 ..I've got to do a bit of scoot-scooting. 963 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:13,520 ..I've got to do a bit of scoot-scooting. 964 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,080 You look like you're on your way 965 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,120 to your first day at boarding school. Yeah. 966 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:17,520 to your first day at boarding school. Yeah. 967 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:19,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 968 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:20,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 969 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,000 Its hard to tell - at first glance, I didn't know if that was a helmet 970 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,040 Its hard to tell - at first glance, I didn't know if that was a helmet 971 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,080 or you'd had another hair transplant. 972 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:27,320 or you'd had another hair transplant. 973 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:31,080 Can we have a different consonant? 974 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:31,840 Can we have a different consonant? 975 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:33,880 Oh.An R. Oh, lovely. Oh, delightful. 976 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:34,320 Oh.An R. Oh, lovely. Oh, delightful. 977 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,440 One more consonant, thank you. 978 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:36,880 And your final letter is a K. 979 00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:38,560 OK, your time starts now. 980 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,240 Oh, scoot, scoot, scoot. 981 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 982 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:10,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 983 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,320 Thank you. 984 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,280 Scoot, scoot. 985 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:16,800 I did scootin'. 986 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:18,640 I did some scootin'. It was really good scootin', wasn't it? 987 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:19,880 The fear in your eyes. 988 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:21,640 So good at scooting. 989 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,680 I'm so good at scootin'. Jonathan, how many? 990 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:24,000 I'm so good at scootin'. Jonathan, how many? 991 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,040 I've got some sixes. Some sixes. Maisie, how many? 992 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:26,880 I've got some sixes. Some sixes. Maisie, how many? 993 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:28,400 Yeah, I got some sixes as well. 994 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:30,240 OK. Richard, how many? 995 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:31,440 Six. 996 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,320 Six. Kemah? 997 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:34,840 Er... Six as well. 998 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,760 Ohh... All right, what's your six? 999 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:38,680 My one? Yeah. 1000 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,720 OK, great. I'm sorry, I'm very distracted. 1001 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:41,120 OK, great. I'm sorry, I'm very distracted. 1002 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,040 You have a nice butt, Jimmy. 1003 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,080 Most kinds of people don't talk about it. I told you, I told you 1004 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:46,440 Most kinds of people don't talk about it. I told you, I told you 1005 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,480 I had mad junk in the trunk, but you didn't listen.Thank you. 1006 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:49,600 I had mad junk in the trunk, but you didn't listen.Thank you. 1007 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:51,640 Yeah, your bottom is rounder than expected. 1008 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:52,000 Yeah, your bottom is rounder than expected. 1009 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:53,640 I feel like I might as well be a lap dancer, 1010 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:55,120 people are just staring at my arse. 1011 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1012 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:00,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1013 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:01,840 All right. I mean... 1014 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:05,440 Although...that had my word on it, so I've forgotten it. 1015 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:06,920 Although...that had my word on it, so I've forgotten it. 1016 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,360 So, what are your words? I'll tell you. 1017 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:10,680 So, what are your words? I'll tell you. 1018 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:12,440 I'll tell you my six. 1019 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,480 Erm... SPEEDO. 1020 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:14,800 Erm... SPEEDO. 1021 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,840 Is SPEEDO allowed? Because it's a brand name 1022 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:17,520 Is SPEEDO allowed? Because it's a brand name 1023 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,160 and sometimes they don't allow brands names. 1024 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,200 SPEEDO is also a shortened version of speedometer. 1025 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:21,480 SPEEDO is also a shortened version of speedometer. 1026 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,520 Do you mean it that way? Yeah! 1027 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:24,080 Do you mean it that way? Yeah! 1028 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,040 Susie, is SPEEDO in there? 1029 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,080 Yeah, so Speedos are trademarks and capital S, 1030 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:29,560 Yeah, so Speedos are trademarks and capital S, 1031 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,600 but SPEEDO, as Jonathan says, short for speedometer. 1032 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:31,960 but SPEEDO, as Jonathan says, short for speedometer. 1033 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,000 Oh, it actually is? Oh, perfect. Yeah, which is what I meant. 1034 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:35,720 Oh, it actually is? Oh, perfect. Yeah, which is what I meant. 1035 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:37,680 APPLAUSE 1036 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:38,840 Richard, your six. 1037 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,120 SOAKED 1038 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:41,680 Jonathan, your six. 1039 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:43,400 I had POKERS. SUSIE:Yeah. 1040 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,600 And, Maisie, your six. 1041 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,640 I've got ERODES and PSEUDO. 1042 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,440 I've got ERODES and PSEUDO. 1043 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:49,760 Six points to both teams. 1044 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,360 Yay! Yes. APPLAUSE 1045 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,200 Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner. 1046 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,120 Mr Swallow, what have you got for us? 1047 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,560 Yes, thank you, Jimmy. 1048 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,600 So, since first appearing on this show, 1049 00:30:58,640 --> 00:30:59,520 So, since first appearing on this show, 1050 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,560 which I must say, by the way, I am eternally grateful for, 1051 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:02,320 which I must say, by the way, I am eternally grateful for, 1052 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,360 but I still don't really know what it is, 1053 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:05,040 but I still don't really know what it is, 1054 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,080 A lot of people have sort of got in contact to ask about 1055 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:08,440 A lot of people have sort of got in contact to ask about 1056 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,480 some of the memory demonstrations I've done on the shows in the past, 1057 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:11,320 some of the memory demonstrations I've done on the shows in the past, 1058 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,360 like memorising a deck of playing cards, 1059 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:13,720 like memorising a deck of playing cards, 1060 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,760 memorising the Wagamama menu and so on. 1061 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:16,040 memorising the Wagamama menu and so on. 1062 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,080 And the truth is, 1063 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:18,360 And the truth is, 1064 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,400 a lot of these techniques are very straightforward 1065 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:20,720 a lot of these techniques are very straightforward 1066 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:22,560 to learn if you put, you know, the time in. 1067 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:24,600 I mean, technically, even a young child should be able 1068 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:24,920 I mean, technically, even a young child should be able 1069 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:26,360 to master some of the basic techniques. 1070 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,400 Especially if that young child has spent the best part of their life 1071 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:28,880 Especially if that young child has spent the best part of their life 1072 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:30,560 in with you, in lockdown. 1073 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:32,600 So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you 1074 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:33,680 So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you 1075 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:35,720 to my protege and professional lookalike - ladies and gentlemen, 1076 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:36,920 to my protege and professional lookalike - ladies and gentlemen, 1077 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,920 it's Master Swallow! 1078 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:40,960 MUSIC: Theme from Jurassic Park 1079 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:41,920 MUSIC: Theme from Jurassic Park 1080 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,080 Aw, there we go, yeah. 1081 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,120 No, don't be fooled - he's actually in his early 70s. 1082 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:56,240 No, don't be fooled - he's actually in his early 70s. 1083 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,280 So, are you all right? 1084 00:31:58,320 --> 00:31:58,560 So, are you all right? 1085 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,240 Do you want another energy drink? You all right? 1086 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,280 Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Yeah, you don't have to do the voice. 1087 00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:03,120 Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Yeah, you don't have to do the voice. 1088 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:07,360 You're doing great. 1089 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:08,720 Don't show me up. 1090 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,480 Now, erm, so, look - 1091 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,520 what we've got here are some animal flash cards. 1092 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:13,560 what we've got here are some animal flash cards. 1093 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,600 There are loads here, I think there's about 60 - 50, 60 of these. 1094 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,280 There are loads here, I think there's about 60 - 50, 60 of these. 1095 00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,240 And can you be...? I'm going to mix them a bit more now, 1096 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,280 but can you be honest, Susie? You've examined these, 1097 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:21,600 but can you be honest, Susie? You've examined these, 1098 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:23,560 you've been mixing these yourself as well. I have. 1099 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:25,600 Cos I don't... It's very, very important for everyone to realise, 1100 00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:26,960 Cos I don't... It's very, very important for everyone to realise, 1101 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,920 especially people in the audience and people at home, 1102 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:30,960 that this is - if it works - is real. If it works, OK? 1103 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,000 that this is - if it works - is real. If it works, OK? 1104 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:33,280 that this is - if it works - is real. If it works, OK? 1105 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:35,240 If it don't work, then it's fake. 1106 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,280 So, Master Swallow, are you listening? Hello? 1107 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,760 So, Master Swallow, are you listening? Hello? 1108 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,800 I'm going to read out whatever random order these animals are in, 1109 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:42,080 I'm going to read out whatever random order these animals are in, 1110 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,120 OK, and whatever order they're in, 1111 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,120 OK, and whatever order they're in, 1112 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,160 Master Swallow, after I've done it, is going to try and attempt 1113 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:47,640 Master Swallow, after I've done it, is going to try and attempt 1114 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,680 to recall them, but in reverse order, OK? 1115 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:50,880 to recall them, but in reverse order, OK? 1116 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,920 So, here we go. Are you listening? 1117 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:54,960 Yeah? Yeah, OK. Here we go, you're doing great. 1118 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:56,040 Yeah? Yeah, OK. Here we go, you're doing great. 1119 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,080 OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish, 1120 00:32:58,120 --> 00:32:59,160 OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish, 1121 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:00,360 mantis shrimp, wolf, 1122 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,400 rhino, ground sqwiwwel... Squirrel. 1123 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:03,160 rhino, ground sqwiwwel... Squirrel. 1124 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,080 Crested gecko, scorpion, sailfish, 1125 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:07,120 cheetah, peregrine falcon, tiger, 1126 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:07,360 cheetah, peregrine falcon, tiger, 1127 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,040 honeybee, jareff... Jareff? 1128 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,000 Giraffe. 1129 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,800 Saiga antelope - don't know what that is - 1130 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:14,840 okapi, echidna, great grey owl, 1131 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:15,280 okapi, echidna, great grey owl, 1132 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,320 kiwi, eagle, wombat, 1133 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:17,760 kiwi, eagle, wombat, 1134 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,800 earthworm, aardvark, firefly, lemur, 1135 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:20,720 earthworm, aardvark, firefly, lemur, 1136 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,560 peacock, pufferfish, squid, 1137 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,600 skunk, snow leopard - some of these are upside down - 1138 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:24,960 skunk, snow leopard - some of these are upside down - 1139 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,480 stick insect, zebra, 1140 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,520 egg-eating snake, giant panda. 1141 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:28,760 egg-eating snake, giant panda. 1142 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:30,400 Listening? Going in? Yeah. 1143 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:32,240 Blue whale, sea turtle, crab, 1144 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:33,640 armadillo, beaver, 1145 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,680 great white shark, hippo, mandrill, 1146 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:36,160 great white shark, hippo, mandrill, 1147 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:37,800 flamingo, chameleon, penguin, 1148 00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:39,480 meerkat, sea otter, lion, 1149 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,160 tree frog, howler monkey, 1150 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,200 elephant, sloth, 1151 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:43,520 jaguar, orang-utan, dolphin, 1152 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:45,560 puffin, walrus, albatross, koala. 1153 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:46,800 puffin, walrus, albatross, koala. 1154 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:48,840 Now, in reverse order, Master Swallow, 1155 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,080 Now, in reverse order, Master Swallow, 1156 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:51,920 what was the last one I said? 1157 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,720 Koala. Yeah, OK. 1158 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:55,680 I mean, that's the easiest one, so don't... You know, don't. 1159 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,160 And then what did I say before that? 1160 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:00,640 Albatross. Yeah, and then what? 1161 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:01,920 Walrus. Yeah, and then what? 1162 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,040 Puffin. Yes, and then what? 1163 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,080 Dolphin. Yes. Orang-utan. Orang-utan, yeah. 1164 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:05,360 Dolphin. Yes. Orang-utan. Orang-utan, yeah. 1165 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,280 Jaguar. Yes. Sloth. Yes. 1166 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,320 Elephant. Yes. Howler monkey. Yes. 1167 00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:09,560 Elephant. Yes. Howler monkey. Yes. 1168 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,600 Tree frog. Yes. Lion. Yes. 1169 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:11,840 Tree frog. Yes. Lion. Yes. 1170 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,480 Sea otters. Correct. 1171 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,520 Meerkat. Yes. Penguin. Yes. 1172 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:15,960 Meerkat. Yes. Penguin. Yes. 1173 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,760 Chameleon. Yes. 1174 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,280 Flamingo. Very good. 1175 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,320 Mandrill. Yes. Hippo. Yes. 1176 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:22,400 Mandrill. Yes. Hippo. Yes. 1177 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:24,120 Great white shark. Yes. 1178 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:25,880 Beaver. Yeah. 1179 00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,920 Armadillo. Yes. Crab. Yes. 1180 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:28,360 Armadillo. Yes. Crab. Yes. 1181 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,400 Sea turtle. Yes. Blue whale. Yes. 1182 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:30,640 Sea turtle. Yes. Blue whale. Yes. 1183 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:31,720 Giant panda. Yes. 1184 00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:33,200 Egg-eating snake. Yes. 1185 00:34:33,240 --> 00:34:35,240 Zebra. Yes. Stick insect. Correct. 1186 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:35,600 Zebra. Yes. Stick insect. Correct. 1187 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,320 Snow leopard. Yeah. 1188 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:38,840 Just stop a sec - do the next three in a row 1189 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:40,880 so people don't think you can see. What are the next three? 1190 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:41,160 so people don't think you can see. What are the next three? 1191 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,040 Skunk, squid, pufferfish. 1192 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,080 Skunk, squid, pufferfish - yeah. 1193 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:45,840 Skunk, squid, pufferfish - yeah. 1194 00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,880 Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark, earthworm. 1195 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:49,920 Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark, earthworm. 1196 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:50,200 Peacock, lemur, firefly, aardvark, earthworm. 1197 00:34:50,240 --> 00:34:52,200 Yes. Wombat. Yes. 1198 00:34:52,240 --> 00:34:54,240 Eagle, kiwi, great grey owl. 1199 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:55,960 Eagle, kiwi, great grey owl. 1200 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,160 Correct. Echidna. Yes. 1201 00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:59,200 Okapi, saiga antelope, giraffe, honeybee. Yes. 1202 00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:00,760 Okapi, saiga antelope, giraffe, honeybee. Yes. 1203 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:02,800 Tiger. Yes. Peregrine falcon. Yes. 1204 00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:03,360 Tiger. Yes. Peregrine falcon. Yes. 1205 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,400 Cheetah. Yes. 1206 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:05,640 Cheetah. Yes. 1207 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:07,680 Sailfish. Pardon? 1208 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:09,240 Sailfish. Correct. 1209 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,280 Scor... LAUGHTER 1210 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:11,560 Scor... LAUGHTER 1211 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:12,560 Do it again, love. 1212 00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:14,600 Scorpion. Yes. 1213 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,560 Crested gecko. Yes. 1214 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:17,920 Ground squirrel. Yes. 1215 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:19,240 Rhino. Yes. 1216 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:22,760 Wolf. Very good. 1217 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:24,080 Mantis shrimp. Yes. 1218 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:25,320 Jellyfish. Yes. 1219 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:26,560 Crocodile. Yes. 1220 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,240 Camel. The first one. 1221 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:29,760 CHEERING 1222 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:31,800 Wow! Wow! 1223 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:32,000 Wow! Wow! 1224 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:46,280 Mr Swallow, can I ask, how old is that child? 1225 00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:47,080 Mr Swallow, can I ask, how old is that child? 1226 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,120 That child, I believe is... 1227 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:50,600 That child, I believe is... 1228 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,640 Ah, he can't remember, can he? 1229 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:52,960 Ah, he can't remember, can he? 1230 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,000 ..six years and three quarters or something like...? 1231 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:55,360 ..six years and three quarters or something like...? 1232 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:56,600 Are you six-and-three-quarters? 1233 00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:58,200 Six-and-a-half. 1234 00:35:58,240 --> 00:35:59,600 LAUGHTER 1235 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,640 Oh, six-and-a-half is not as impressive, I thought he was six. 1236 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:02,280 Oh, six-and-a-half is not as impressive, I thought he was six. 1237 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:03,800 That's incredible. 1238 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:05,840 BREAKING CHARACTER:This is my real son, Finn. 1239 00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:06,120 BREAKING CHARACTER:This is my real son, Finn. 1240 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,000 AUDIENCE:Aww! 1241 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,400 You did brilliant, love. 1242 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:09,880 APPLAUSE 1243 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,480 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1244 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:15,000 Who thought it wasn't his real son? 1245 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,400 Who's out there going, "Wow, those two get along"? 1246 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:19,000 Who's out there going, "Wow, those two get along"? 1247 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:22,400 "They must just be mates." 1248 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,440 Mr Swallow, everyone. And Master Swallow.And Master Swallow! 1249 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:25,040 Mr Swallow, everyone. And Master Swallow.And Master Swallow! 1250 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:26,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1251 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,840 MUSIC: Them from Jurassic Park 1252 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:29,120 MUSIC: Them from Jurassic Park 1253 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,320 I don't want to be... I don't want to big shot this or whatever, 1254 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:36,600 I don't want to be... I don't want to big shot this or whatever, 1255 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,160 but my kid can burp on command. 1256 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:42,240 I like the fact that, by comparison, 1257 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:42,840 I like the fact that, by comparison, 1258 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:44,360 Rachel now looks like a bloody idiot. 1259 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:47,320 And here is your final teaser. 1260 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,360 The words are RICO SHAT, the clue is - it's on fire. 1261 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:50,480 The words are RICO SHAT, the clue is - it's on fire. 1262 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,520 That's RICO SHAT - it's on fire. 1263 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:52,760 That's RICO SHAT - it's on fire. 1264 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:53,960 See you after the break. 1265 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,600 APPLAUSE 1266 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:08,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1267 00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:08,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1268 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,560 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were RICO SHAT, 1269 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:16,800 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were RICO SHAT, 1270 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:18,520 the clue was - it's on fire. 1271 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:20,520 It was, of course, CHARIOTS. 1272 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:22,400 Before we go on, he's not on the show, 1273 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:23,640 but he's turned up anyway. 1274 00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,040 It's Joe Wilkinson. 1275 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:27,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1276 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:27,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1277 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,760 PHIL:There's hairs on there! Joe, what's, er... 1278 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:41,040 PHIL:There's hairs on there! Joe, what's, er... 1279 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:42,760 LAUGHTER 1280 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,400 All right? What's going on, Joe? 1281 00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:49,440 Taken up yo-yoing. Yeah. 1282 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:49,800 Taken up yo-yoing. Yeah. 1283 00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,840 No, I mean, you've got a massive... 1284 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:53,000 No, I mean, you've got a massive... 1285 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:55,040 ..left arm and left leg. 1286 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:55,280 ..left arm and left leg. 1287 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,280 Well spotted. I, erm... 1288 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:00,840 Yeah. Cos you haven't had me on the show for a bit, 1289 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:01,160 Yeah. Cos you haven't had me on the show for a bit, 1290 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:03,200 I've started a new hobby, started body-building. 1291 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:03,480 I've started a new hobby, started body-building. 1292 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:07,840 Did the left-hand side. Happy with that. Erm... 1293 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,280 Did the left-hand side. Happy with that. Erm... 1294 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:10,680 But then got bored of it. 1295 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,320 Couldn't be arsed to do any more. So, yeah... 1296 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:18,360 Sort of just look like this now, but it's all right. 1297 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:19,360 Sort of just look like this now, but it's all right. 1298 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,400 LAUGHTER 1299 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:21,640 LAUGHTER 1300 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,280 I can't help but notice you've got quite a big hand. 1301 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:36,000 I can't help but notice you've got quite a big hand. 1302 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:37,680 Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm, er... 1303 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:39,440 I'm also allergic to almonds. 1304 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,360 LAUGHTER 1305 00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:44,840 Yeah. Erm, but, you know, it's quite good, though, having a, erm... 1306 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:46,880 Yeah. Erm, but, you know, it's quite good, though, having a, erm... 1307 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:47,160 Yeah. Erm, but, you know, it's quite good, though, having a, erm... 1308 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:49,600 ..having... 1309 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,360 Genuinely pulled something. 1310 00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:53,360 LAUGHTER 1311 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:05,720 But... JOE LAUGHS 1312 00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:07,760 ..what's great about having a massive fist, big arm and leg, 1313 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:09,440 ..what's great about having a massive fist, big arm and leg, 1314 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,040 also helps with my other hobby, 1315 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,080 which, as you know, is smashing stuff up. 1316 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:13,400 which, as you know, is smashing stuff up. 1317 00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,400 I love smashing stuff up, so it's good for that. 1318 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:16,400 You know, kind of... 1319 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,120 LAUGHTER 1320 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:26,400 LAUGHTER 1321 00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:28,360 So, you know, that's keeping me busy, 1322 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:29,360 you know, kind of... 1323 00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:41,040 So, yeah. So... 1324 00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:43,080 Have you got any other hobbies other than kicking holes in the set? 1325 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:44,080 Have you got any other hobbies other than kicking holes in the set? 1326 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:45,920 Er... No, no. 1327 00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,960 LAUGHTER 1328 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:48,240 LAUGHTER 1329 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:57,960 JOE SIGHS 1330 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:02,520 Piss off. 1331 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,360 LAUGHTER 1332 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:05,920 What's going on, Joe? 1333 00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:07,960 Oh, well, as you can see, 1334 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:08,240 Oh, well, as you can see, 1335 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,280 Fabio's new hobby is hanging from a trapeze. 1336 00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:11,280 Fabio's new hobby is hanging from a trapeze. 1337 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,080 Because he's a fucking idiot. 1338 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,040 Piss off. 1339 00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,080 Can't do the show with you just hanging there, can we? 1340 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:19,320 Can't do the show with you just hanging there, can we? 1341 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:22,600 This show is shit enough without you hanging there. 1342 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:23,200 This show is shit enough without you hanging there. 1343 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,640 Piss off. Piss off! 1344 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:27,080 Piss off. Piss off! 1345 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:29,120 We're not doing anything till you piss off! 1346 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:29,760 We're not doing anything till you piss off! 1347 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:31,960 Piss off! 1348 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:34,880 Piss...off! 1349 00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:37,160 Erm... 1350 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,360 How about if you piss off, I'll take you swimming later? 1351 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:40,920 How about if you piss off, I'll take you swimming later? 1352 00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:42,200 Here we go. 1353 00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,920 LAUGHTER 1354 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,080 Probably should have tried that earlier. Never mind. 1355 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:48,880 Probably should have tried that earlier. Never mind. 1356 00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,920 Let's play Countdown! 1357 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:51,160 Let's play Countdown! 1358 00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:53,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1359 00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:53,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1360 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,560 Why not up the tension? It's time for... 1361 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:56,080 Why not up the tension? It's time for... 1362 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:57,320 ..the tension round. 1363 00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,360 DRAMATIC STING 1364 00:40:59,400 --> 00:40:59,600 DRAMATIC STING 1365 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:00,720 AUDIENCE:Ooh! 1366 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:02,320 That's right, ooh! 1367 00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:05,200 In this game, we're playing for double points, 1368 00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:06,280 so the pressure is on. 1369 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:07,760 Russell, how do you cope with pressure? 1370 00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:09,200 Imodium. 1371 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:10,880 LAUGHTER 1372 00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:12,600 Do you get nervous? You get nervous, right? 1373 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,640 I lost nearly half a stone when I first started stand-up. 1374 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:14,960 I lost nearly half a stone when I first started stand-up. 1375 00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:16,440 Damn. Put it back on now in muscle, though. 1376 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:17,720 HE KISSES 1377 00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:19,760 LAUGHTER 1378 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:20,040 LAUGHTER 1379 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,080 Sure. He's all 'roided up now. You're fine. OK. 1380 00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:22,600 Sure. He's all 'roided up now. You're fine. OK. 1381 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:24,360 Judi, do you get nervous? 1382 00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,040 Yes, I do. 1383 00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:28,080 I have the same effect as Russell, but, yeah... 1384 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:30,120 I have the same effect as Russell, but, yeah... 1385 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:30,400 I have the same effect as Russell, but, yeah... 1386 00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:31,800 ..I don't lose weight. 1387 00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:35,640 Alan, how do you cope with loud bangs? 1388 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:36,800 Oh, I hate loud bangs. 1389 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:38,840 BANG! JONATHAN:Oh! Arsehole! 1390 00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:39,360 BANG! JONATHAN:Oh! Arsehole! 1391 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:43,000 That could have been like Michael Jackson 1392 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:45,040 when his head went on fire and got addicted to painkillers! 1393 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:45,360 when his head went on fire and got addicted to painkillers! 1394 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,400 I think if your hair was going to catch fire, 1395 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,440 it'd have to be a bloody good shot, wouldn't it? 1396 00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:49,720 it'd have to be a bloody good shot, wouldn't it? 1397 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:51,720 AUDIENCE:Oooh! 1398 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,760 At least mine ain't synthetic! 1399 00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:53,960 At least mine ain't synthetic! 1400 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,640 Yours'll go up more than mine, love. 1401 00:41:58,680 --> 00:41:58,880 Yours'll go up more than mine, love. 1402 00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:00,720 Like a fire in Carpetright. 1403 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:02,360 If anyone's hair was gonna go up... 1404 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:03,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1405 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,360 It's the tension round, everyone. DRAMATIC STING 1406 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,240 And your time starts... You ready? 1407 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:12,320 ..now. 1408 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:14,360 What are we doing? Oh! Hang on. No, wait. 1409 00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:14,800 What are we doing? Oh! Hang on. No, wait. 1410 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,720 No, no, no, wait! Wait! 1411 00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,320 We forgot something. 1412 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,360 LAUGHTER 1413 00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:20,600 LAUGHTER 1414 00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,640 We forgot something.That WAS tense! 1415 00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:22,920 We forgot something.That WAS tense! 1416 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:24,680 We didn't know what we were meant to be doing! 1417 00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:26,040 That was genuine! 1418 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:28,080 In the studio, people going, "What? Are we?" 1419 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:28,360 In the studio, people going, "What? Are we?" 1420 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:29,720 That was genuinely tense! 1421 00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:31,160 We were like, "What the fuck?" 1422 00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:34,240 So, Alan, pick the letters. Oh, my God. 1423 00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:34,560 So, Alan, pick the letters. Oh, my God. 1424 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:36,040 Oh, Christ. RACHEL:Come on, Al. 1425 00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:38,080 Consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant. 1426 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:38,520 Consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant. 1427 00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:40,560 Are you just showing off that you can say "consonant"?Yeah. D, S, 1428 00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:40,840 Are you just showing off that you can say "consonant"?Yeah. D, S, 1429 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:42,400 D, L. 1430 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:44,440 Lovely. And then one more consonant. 1431 00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:45,120 Lovely. And then one more consonant. 1432 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:47,160 N. And then four vowels, please. 1433 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,080 N. And then four vowels, please. 1434 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:49,280 E 1435 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:50,480 U 1436 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:51,800 U 1437 00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:52,920 E 1438 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:54,960 Oh, no. What a load of shit. 1439 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:55,200 Oh, no. What a load of shit. 1440 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,240 All right. Fine. O. There we go. 1441 00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:57,600 All right. Fine. O. There we go. 1442 00:42:57,640 --> 00:42:59,640 OK, so it's the double points tension round. 1443 00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:00,080 OK, so it's the double points tension round. 1444 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:01,760 DRAMATIC STING 1445 00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:03,200 Your time starts... 1446 00:43:03,240 --> 00:43:04,680 I don't trust you at all. 1447 00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:06,000 Now. 1448 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,040 INTENSE MUSIC 1449 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:08,440 INTENSE MUSIC 1450 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:23,400 KLAXON AND SIREN WAIL 1451 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:24,240 KLAXON AND SIREN WAIL 1452 00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:26,280 LOUD VOICEOVER:Ten, nine, 1453 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:26,520 LOUD VOICEOVER:Ten, nine, 1454 00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:28,520 eight, seven, 1455 00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:30,480 six, five, 1456 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,360 four, three, 1457 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,000 two, one... 1458 00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:37,200 BANG! Oh, Christ! 1459 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:40,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1460 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,080 I mean... Who authorised that? 1461 00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:47,960 I mean... Who authorised that? 1462 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,000 Did they realise... Authorised? 1463 00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:50,400 Did they realise... Authorised? 1464 00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:52,440 Did they realise they had a black chick on here with an afro? 1465 00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:52,760 Did they realise they had a black chick on here with an afro? 1466 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,800 Do you know how much product is in my hair that is flammable? 1467 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:56,840 Do you know how much product is in my hair that is flammable? 1468 00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,880 How much product is in your hair? Oh, my God, babes. All of it? 1469 00:43:58,920 --> 00:43:59,160 How much product is in your hair? Oh, my God, babes. All of it? 1470 00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:00,360 That's burning! Is that... 1471 00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:01,840 No, it's not me, is it? No. 1472 00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:05,200 You're not on fire.OK. 1473 00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:06,920 Well, I am. Ha-ha-ha! 1474 00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:08,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1475 00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:09,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1476 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:14,880 Queen! 1477 00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:17,840 Alan, how many letters?Six. 1478 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:19,480 Ooh!Ooh! 1479 00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:21,520 Judi, how many? Well, it depends on... 1480 00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:22,200 Judi, how many? Well, it depends on... 1481 00:44:22,240 --> 00:44:23,280 LAUGHTER 1482 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,320 ..if you want a Jamaican word or you want... 1483 00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:26,280 ..if you want a Jamaican word or you want... 1484 00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:28,320 Sure, sure. I'll take a Jamaican word, but how many? 1485 00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:28,800 Sure, sure. I'll take a Jamaican word, but how many? 1486 00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:30,520 Five. OK. 1487 00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:32,160 Russell, how many?Five. 1488 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:33,440 Jonathan?Eight. 1489 00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:35,480 ALL:Oh! No way! 1490 00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:35,760 ALL:Oh! No way! 1491 00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:37,680 OK. What was your word, Judi? 1492 00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:39,200 SEUNO 1493 00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:40,880 LAUGHTER 1494 00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,000 S-E... Yeah. 1495 00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:44,240 S-E... Yeah. 1496 00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:45,800 Move down the UNO. 1497 00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:47,840 Yeah. SEUNO. Yeah. There it is. 1498 00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:49,040 Yeah. SEUNO. Yeah. There it is. 1499 00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:52,080 LAUGHTER 1500 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,120 I want someone to tell me, in the ENGLISH dictionary, 1501 00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:55,680 I want someone to tell me, in the ENGLISH dictionary, 1502 00:44:55,720 --> 00:44:57,720 that my Jamaican word is not real. 1503 00:44:57,760 --> 00:44:58,480 that my Jamaican word is not real. 1504 00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:00,160 We have got some Jamaican words in here, but... 1505 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:01,440 Oh, for fuck's sake. 1506 00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:02,960 LAUGHTER 1507 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:04,440 It's everything, isn't it? 1508 00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:07,800 What does it mean, though? What does it...? 1509 00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:09,840 It means, "I see you over there." 1510 00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:10,200 It means, "I see you over there." 1511 00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:11,320 SHE SNIFFS 1512 00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:13,200 LAUGHTER 1513 00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:15,240 Black Twitter, back me the fuck up, OK? 1514 00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:15,720 Black Twitter, back me the fuck up, OK? 1515 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:17,760 LAUGHTER 1516 00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:18,360 LAUGHTER 1517 00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,280 Even Black Twitter is going, "Do you know what? 1518 00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:21,760 "You're on your own there, Judi." 1519 00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:24,280 Russell, what was your five? 1520 00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:26,320 DOLLS. DOLLS, yeah. Alan, your six? 1521 00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:26,600 DOLLS. DOLLS, yeah. Alan, your six? 1522 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,640 UNDOES. UNDOES. And, Jonathan, your eight? 1523 00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:29,200 UNDOES. UNDOES. And, Jonathan, your eight? 1524 00:45:29,240 --> 00:45:31,240 I think my eight works. It's DELOUSED. 1525 00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:31,800 I think my eight works. It's DELOUSED. 1526 00:45:31,840 --> 00:45:33,840 You are amazing. It's in. Yes! 1527 00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:35,040 DELOUSED! 1528 00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:36,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1529 00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:38,680 It's pretty good. It's pretty bloody good. 1530 00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:39,960 OK, fingers on buzzers. 1531 00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:42,000 It's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum. 1532 00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:42,280 It's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum. 1533 00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:44,000 Your time starts now. 1534 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:45,640 Mix the letters up time. 1535 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:52,320 No, I can't... I never see it. 1536 00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:52,560 No, I can't... I never see it. 1537 00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,040 I'm gonna write it out like that. 1538 00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:00,360 BELL 1539 00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:01,800 Yes.GOSSIPING. 1540 00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:03,840 Oh, my God! 1541 00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:04,080 Oh, my God! 1542 00:46:04,120 --> 00:46:06,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1543 00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:06,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1544 00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:09,960 It's, er... 1545 00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:15,720 It does beg the question - 1546 00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:17,760 who are you and what have you done with Joe Wilkinson? 1547 00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:18,080 who are you and what have you done with Joe Wilkinson? 1548 00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:20,320 Congratulations! 1549 00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,360 Joe and Rosie, you're now the proud owner of this, 1550 00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:22,640 Joe and Rosie, you're now the proud owner of this, 1551 00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:24,640 the Countdown jazz band kit! 1552 00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1553 00:46:26,720 --> 00:46:26,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1554 00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:29,000 Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, 1555 00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:29,320 Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, 1556 00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:30,440 and to all of you for watching at home. 1557 00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:32,400 That's it from us. Goodnight! 1558 00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:00,760 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 1559 00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:01,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media