- Welcome on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Thank you. Yeah, sure.
I deserve that. Yeah, sure.
But we're doing this. OK.
So go wild and crazy for Rob Beckett,
Jon Richardson, Miles Jupp, Judi Love,
Roisin and Chiara, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone.
He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
LAUGHTER All right, let's roll the titles.
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
First up, it's team captain Jon Richardson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jon Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet.
And that woman is thinking, "I'm not sure I like crumpets."
And Jon's team-mate's Judi Love.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Judi is a regular panellist on Loose Women,
and it's wrong to say that Loose Women
is just a load of ladies sitting around
drinking prosecco before noon.
I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
My poor girls,
everyone's always coming for my girls.
- Girls! - Your girls.
Girls, combined age of 258.
LAUGHTER
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Thank you. - Rob said on his podcast
that he'd pay good money to see me naked.
I find that weird. What would be so interesting
about seeing my penises?
LAUGHTER
I think you're like a Ken.
You'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
LAUGHTER
I think it would be if you did it.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You did say you wanted to see me naked.
I do want to see you naked, I'm intrigued.
- Why? - I just can't...
Cos you don't really present as...
..a real person.
We should do this.
- I just think... - No time like the present, Jimmy.
- Yeah. - Jimmy...
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Oh, look, you're all...
Oh, if you're all up for this,
I'll just get my cock out, then. Yeah, sure.
I think it would be too much.
- I'd still... - I don't think it would be too much.
- No, it would! - I think it would be some.
LAUGHTER
And joining Rob tonight, it's Miles Jupp.
- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Miles has five children,
which must be exhausting for his staff.
LAUGHTER
In fairness, they work bloody hard...
..for, may I say, a pittance.
LAUGHTER
Talk us through a day in the life of Miles Jupp.
Oh, gosh. Well, I like to get up early,
be first down to the kitchen, fix myself a quick,
um, roast beef with all the trimmings.
- Um... - LAUGHTER
Then it's breakfast where I'm joined by the others.
A quick snack before the school run.
Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
Then it's elevenses. Um, yeah,
perhaps a little walk around the garden.
Uh, maybe go into town, do some shopping -
butchers, veg shop.
Um, come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings...
- LAUGHTER - ..to set me up for lunch.
- Then I watch Loose Women. - Thank you.
I save the gravy for then. And then that's...
LAUGHTER
Wow! That was clearly...
I wasn't expecting that.
- LAUGHTER - No.
And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
That's right, yeah, my Pre-Raphaelite curves. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Jon, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel
for a day, who would you pick?
God, I'd take any of you.
LAUGHTER
Genuinely, I'd have you for a day.
I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
- It's all replaceable. - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I'd like to be Rachel,
because I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
but I don't want to have to go on the show.
LAUGHTER
Ideally, I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
Um...
MILES LAUGHS
Well, that's a lovely thought.
I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
LAUGHTER
- You look a bit cross. - Notice you skipped me.
- I'd love to be you, Judi. - Oh.
Just to know what it's...
How quickly the gap
eradicates between the thought and the speech.
LAUGHTER
Judi, do you get annoyed quite easily? What sets you off?
You know what it is? When people try to pay backhand compliments.
Like, when people go, "Oh, how are you so confident?"
I'm like, "What? Because I've got a fupa,
"and I haven't seen my fanny for years?"
- Like, they find it really... - LAUGHTER
You've got a what?
They only say it to big girls!
- Because you've got a what? - A fupa, a fupa.
Like a little fold.
- Oh. - Just a little fold.
Yeah, them backhand compliments get on my flipping nerves.
Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
what do you think you would have done?
Uh, had a career as an unsuccessful one.
Don't have a dig at Jon.
LAUGHTER
OK, Miles, have you got a mascot?
I have actually, yes.
So I was sent a book to have a look at,
and not what I was expecting.
I was told it was - for the author, it was a real passion project.
Anyway, here it is, this book.
It's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book Of Facts About Eggs.
Oh, yes, yes.
You must know, your agent sent it to me, very kindly.
And really, it's just about another set of eyes
to give a bit of feedback.
Um, I'll put most of it in an email, but a few thoughts,
uh, did come up.
I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
Chapter one. "Every day, I have
"nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
"They always go straight through me..."
LAUGHTER
"..but it means I get another chance to see my golden toilet."
LAUGHTER
"Only joking, I always relieve myself directly into
"the cupped hands of a waiting servant."
LAUGHTER
I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
Um, benefit of the doubt - let's look at the others.
Oh, here we go. I don't know if you were sort of
hurrying to get towards the end,
or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
"Some animals that you may be surprised to hear
"actually hatch from eggs."
So this is a strange chapter. Um...
"Chickens..."
I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
"..cows..." I just don't think it's right.
"Minor royals," it says here.
LAUGHTER
"Place names with the word egg inside them."
- You've written Winnipeg. - LAUGHTER
That's it. It's only got one G for a start.
And then it says, "The rest of this page
"has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas."
It costs 25 quid, Jimmy. That is absolutely shameful.
But look, fair play to you
for sticking your head above the parapet.
Best of luck with the book. Well done.
Thank you. Mile Jupp, everyone. APPLAUSE
- Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
I don't mind the jokes about me being little
and having a small penis and going bald, all that stuff...
Did anyone mention small penis?
LAUGHTER
I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
I just... I've had enough. I'm going to...
I'm just going to do something different tonight
so that you can't hurt me.
So I'm just... I give less of a shit.
- ITEM FALLS ON FLOOR - So... What was that? Um...
That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
Oh, I've dropped something!
LAUGHTER
Start by sitting backwards on my chair because that's what...
That's what bad boys do, innit?
Yeah? Yeah.
What do you think of that?
Just going to be, like, bad tonight.
Just going to be like a naughty boy.
A naughty boy?
Start by popping a leather jacket on.
- Over the cardigan. - Over the cardigan.
LAUGHTER
Oh, aye.
You like that? You like that?
Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
LAUGHTER
Scared all of a sudden.
Um... In case you're thinking of picking on me.
Woo.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, working out. Get these guns pumped.
- Feel that. - Oh, God! - Yeah!
"Oh," indeed, Judi.
- Wow! - Pop them there.
Where did we find weights that small?
LAUGHTER
- Oh, wow. - SCATTERED WHOOPS
- Wow. - Right, you see?
How would you chat me up then, in this kind of...?
I wouldn't bother, mate. Let you come to me, innit?
- Oh! - AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
See anything you like?
- Not really. - LAUGHTER
Smoking's cool, innit?
LAUGHTER
These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
LAUGHTER
It's got a rubber tip on it.
Someone's glued it shut.
Still got a rubber tip on, yeah.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
- APPLAUSE - Safety first, Jon.
- Yeah. - Listen.
Have another crack. Yeah, here we go.
HE COUGHS
What flavour is that?
Uh, pussy and beer.
LAUGHTER
Slightly more likely to be dandelion and burdock.
Thank you, Judi. Thank you. That's good.
- Oop! - LAUGHTER
And he's over. Oh, blimey.
Oh, wow. APPLAUSE
What I really like is that Jon carried all that stuff
in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
- Oh! - LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Whatever.
Rob, have you got a mascot?
Yes, I do have a mascot, actually. A little hobby of mine,
something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
And I don't know if you know this,
cos I've got quite green-fingered.
Um, you could actually train a cactus into different shapes.
- Oh, fascinating. - Are you into gardening and stuff?
- Oh, very much so. Yeah, yeah. - Really? What you got?
- What have I got? - Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
- What kind of plants? - Well, in which meadow?
- Uh... - LAUGHTER
Right. Here we go.
I've got a few bits and bobs here, so I've got this one.
This is the first one I did because it's sort of quite tricky,
so you want to sort of start small and work your way up.
But I've done this one.
Double. Look at that.
So, what do you think, Miles?
I think very tempting. Yeah.
They're lovely, aren't they? Yeah.
So I did that one first. Um, and then this one.
It's the second one I worked on,
which is, um...
LAUGHTER
Um, what do you think?
That is... That is...
Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
It's really twitching.
No, it's absolutely terrific this, actually.
- Yeah. - This would adorn...
- ..well, any table top, really... - Yeah. - ..I think.
- Or bottom. - Yes.
LAUGHTER
Rob Beckett's green fingers, everyone.
Very nice. APPLAUSE
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Roisin and Chiara.
APPLAUSE Very nice to have you here.
It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
Hmm. Well, I guess sometimes it can be quite,
uh, sort of...
HIGH-PITCHED BABBLING
And then other times
it could be more sort of earthy, you know,
grounded in the pelvis, a bit more sort of...
Ha! Rumf! Harrunk!
MILES LAUGHS
You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
# Let's get ready to rumble
# Oh-oo-ooh
# Oh-oh-oh-oh! #
Roisin and Chiara, everyone.
APPLAUSE
And with them, of course, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE
Susie Dent is an inspiration.
She's shown little girls up and down the country that,
yes, women can be just as boring as men.
LAUGHTER
Susie, what have you been working on lately?
Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang
for Radio 4.
Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang.
Because "Wang Carr" is what loads of people call you backstage.
- LAUGHTER - Oh, nice!
APPLAUSE
Nice.
But Miles has been on it. He was fab.
- You're very kind. - Yeah, you were.
OK. LAUGHTER
What's the podcast about?
It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on
- and... - Giles. - Giles?
- She means Gyles Brandreth. - What did I call you?
- You called me Giles. - Giles Mupp? - Yes, essentially.
- I'm so sorry. - Yeah, she's not very good with words.
LAUGHTER
You're very grateful he came on the show.
- He came on the show... - Very memorable guy.
LAUGHTER
OK. In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing.
The search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
I've met a lot of cool people. I've met the King.
- Met David Beckham. - Mm!
And also met a guy that can fart on demand,
in time to pop songs.
Yeah, Rob Beckett. LAUGHTER
Only up to 1999, though.
As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams
will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown dog bed!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, everyone, let's Countdown. Time for our first game,
Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Giles, after you. - LAUGHTER
Um, I'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Giles.
M
Could that also be a G?
LAUGHTER
That was very good. That is very good.
APPLAUSE
I'll have another consonant. Is that the way this works?
C
- Three of each? - Three of each, until Rachel looks worried for us.
OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
Then just follow the lead.
P
And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
A, yeah.
Can I have another vowel, please?
- A. - Another vowel.
O
- You choose some. You're our captain. - Er, OK, cool.
- Consonant, please. - Yep.
T
Another vowel.
- I. - And then, consonant, please.
And the last one, L.
And, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
BABY CRIES
Oh, is that...?
Fabio.
Thanks.
Fucking thing.
LAUGHTER
All right? Just don't look at Susie, you'll be all right.
I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
He's already had his nap.
Erm...
LAUGHTER
Come on!
APPLAUSE
What?
- Why does he look so cute? - Rob, how many?
Five.
Giles?
Erm, I've got, er, seven.
Seven? Impressive.
- John, how many? - Would I risk a nine, Susie? No?
- No. - No, I wouldn't, then. - Yeah.
Oh, come on, John!
It's not in there, is it? I'll stick with a seven as well.
- Judi? - Five.
OK, what's your five?
PLATE
Rob, your five?
- PETAL - PETAL
- Mm! - Hmm.
Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
LAUGHTER
And Miles, your seven?
I've got two sevens, actually.
They are CLIMATE and POLEMIC.
- Wow. - Very good!
- Wow. - Lovely. - CLIMATE and POLEMIC.
So what's this nine?
Yeah.
That was, er... That was good, wasn't it, Susie?
- That was amazing. - Maybe write down his name.
- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
Well, compile is a seven.
And then I wondered if you can have COMPILATE,
as you can have a compilation of something.
- Yeah. No, you can't compilate. - Oh, that's a shame.
Seven for us, Jim.
Seven points for both teams.
APPLAUSE
I might...
I might go for my nap.
It's such a weird...
Hang on.
It was me the whole time.
Hang on. I might take my bonnet off.
Roisin and Chiara, could they have done any better?
Yes.
POETICAL
- Ooh! - POETICAL? - Let's have that again.
- Very breathy. - POETICAL.
OK, so, at the end of that, it's a draw.
Everyone's got seven points.
APPLAUSE Well done.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
John, Judi, you get to pick the numbers.
Do you want to pick, Judi, or will you just ruin it?
- Erm... - LAUGHTER
- No. Three little ones. - All right. - OK?
9, 2, 6, and then the big ones.
75, 50 and 100.
And the target - 359.
- There it is. Come on, John. - And your time starts now.
So, the target was 359. Judi Love, did you get it?
Hold on. I got 342.
Well, that is worth no points.
I know, but give me some credit for how... Sorry, the sweet.
I know, but give me some...
I can't expect you to not eat while we record a TV show.
LAUGHTER
342. Miles, did you get it?
I got 357.
OK. Er, Rob?
- I did. - What?!
- I think I did. - OK. - I never normally get it.
- I got 358. - Right.
Rob, it's all on you.
6 x 75
Yes, 450.
- 100
350
- Plus the 9. - Ten points!
- Well done. - Yes! - Well done, mate. Well done.
Yes! Finally!
- Very good. - Can we just say I've got 342?
- Can we talk about that? - We've done that. - No.
We've talked about that.
We all decided as a group it was irrelevant.
Not... You...
So, Rob and Miles have 17, John and Judi have seven.
APPLAUSE
- I got the number. - Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Roisin and Chiara, what have you got for us?
- Well... - Got a pretty good vibe. - Yeah.
- You all right, Chiara? - Yeah, I'm fine.
You seem a little bit, er, sort of subdued, or...
- No, I'm fine, I'm fine. - All right, is it Jimmy?
I just... I can't read him.
I don't know what he's thinking.
Yeah, maybe it was earlier, when you tried to sort of
- hug him. - From behind. - Yeah. - No, he didn't like that.
Sorry, I think that's on Jimmy, though, because, like, that is your,
like, native Mediterranean warmth.
- Yes! - Yeah. Because she's Italian.
Si, e vero, sono italiana.
So I think we'd imagine she's someone
sort of incredibly in touch with her sensuality.
Infatti, sono una donna molto sensuale.
Unusually connected with their femininity.
- SHE GROWLS - Tipo Monica Bellucci.
Yeah, but, actually, she is incredibly repressed.
That's right. Cos I'm also half-English,
so that explains that. And Roisin...
Roisin, on the other hand, is Irish.
- Sea! - Yep, Catholic.
In ainm an Athar, agus an Mhic, agus an Spioraid Naoimh. Amen.
That's right.
But the wonderful thing about Roisin
is that she's actually incredibly playful
and loose,
and just a tiny bit slutty.
- Just a teeny, tiny... - Sorry, that is absolute, like, slander.
- Not at all. I'm not like that. - It makes total sense,
cos she's just trying to connect, right?
- Cos we're born alone. - SHE SCREAMS
Exactly. And we die alone.
And that's... OK, well, there we go.
Are you a naughty boy?
Uh-oh.
OK, here we go.
- Oh, no, no, no. OK. - Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
OK, don't call him a boot, because he's a very,
like, very well known comedian. Oh, here we go.
John, she's got a thing for people in positions of power.
And clearly, you're right in the middle.
Uh-oh. Here we go, here we go.
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
Just move your cups.
Move, move, move.
Guys, don't look. Just don't watch.
Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
OK.
All right. OK.
OK, OK. Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin!
Roisin, Roisin, Roisin!
- Come over here. What are you doing? - Sorry.
He has been ogling me.
- Yeah, all night. - But we're here, we're part of the show.
He can't... It's par for the course.
OK, regardless of the details,
I've got something to say to you, John.
You might do this all the time. Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
Yeah, it's all fun and games,
but, for me, I'm at work.
APPLAUSE
Roisin and Chiara, everyone.
- You are a naughty boy. - I am a naughty boy.
The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
Do you know what was funny?
As much as John started to look very awkward,
you moved that cup so fucking fast.
We don't want two spilt liquids.
You didn't just look back over there, did you?
Sorry. I shall look straight ahead.
Would you like to swap seats, Jon?
Well, this one's fucking sodden now, so...
That is... I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, Jon?
That's what happened there.
That kimchi was on the turn
- and I took a gamble on the wrong night. - Yeah.
Yeah, there is such a thing as too much roughage.
- There really is. - Yeah, isn't there?
Enough with the sexy talk. OK.
LAUGHTER
You move the crockery, I'll have one last poo.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser. The words are MEAT BELL.
The clue is - nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
That's MEAT BELL - nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were MEAT BELL.
The clue was nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
It was, of course, MELTABLE. OK,
so Rob and Miles
are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Rob and Judi.
So, Judi, your turn to choose.
- I'll take a vowel, please. - Great start.
E
Consonant.
G
Consonant.
M
Consonant.
S
- A vowel. - SMEG.
I
- Oh. - LAUGHTER
Vowel.
SMEGI
E
Consonant.
T
Oh, go on, let's have SMEGGIEST.
Consonant.
Ohh.
Y
Consonant.
A final R.
While you do this,
I've just got to pick some friends up from the station,
so your time starts now.
CAR ENGINE REVS
HORN HONKS
Oof.
I had to just do a pick-up...
..at the station.
They do, like, crown green bowling on a Thursday.
It's my turn to drive.
LAUGHTER
What's he come as?
Oh, my God.
He should be in your dressing room, Jimmy.
Oh, it's Pasha, everyone.
- Hello, Pasha. - Hello!
- Good to see you. - Hello.
I can't believe it. Pasha's here, who's Rachel's other half,
and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
LAUGHTER
I should say, just earlier on the show,
Jon Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex with
one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
It's the first time I've ever said that on a show, as well.
What are the fucking chances?
You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
- Very efficient lovemaker. - Oh, no.
With my skill, you'll be out in two.
- Oh, please. - It's like a date on The Undateables.
- It is. - LAUGHTER
Round of applause for Pasha
and my friends from the bowling club.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Judi, how many? - Five. - Five.
Well, you only had 30 seconds. Fair enough.
Rob, how many?
- Six. - Six, wow. Smashed that five, didn't you?
- OK. - Thank you. - What's the five, Judi?
MIS... MISTY.
- Or TIMER. - We'll go MISTY.
Didn't fancy popping the S on the end of timer?
Yeah, tim... Yeah, TIMERS. Sorry.
- TIMERS. TIMERSSS... - Rob, your six?
I've got MISERY or MISTER.
You said MISERY was not possible.
- You said mystery. - No, but I said to you MYSTERY or MISERY.
I said MYSTERY or MISERY.
I think Jon is unlikely to describe MISERY as not possible.
- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I said MISERY.
His starting position.
Well, six points to Rob.
Well done.
Roisin and Chiara, could they have done any better?
They could have. Interestingly, Jon and Chiara both had MISERY.
- Yeah. - I'm just wondering what your MISERY is about today.
I actually am, I'm feeling a little bit miserable.
- I'm going to admit it. - Why is that?
I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, OK?
- Because I grind my teeth when I sleep. - Right.
And here today I realised I can't smile.
- LAUGHTER - I'm just smiling with my eyes.
You can't smile now because you've had too much work done.
- No! - You're telling ME that?
LAUGHTER
But, yeah, we could have done a bit better.
We could have eight letters here - GERMIEST.
- GERMIEST! - GERMIEST.
- Yeah, you never miss a germ. - I did spot that,
but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
Got rid of it.
Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
I'm not... I'm not looking over there again.
You can look at me.
- I can't make you smile, though, can I? - No.
LAUGHTER
Who's picking these old numbers, then, Jimbob?
So, at the end of all that,
Rob and Miles have 23, Jon and Judi have seven.
- Damn. - Come on, Judi.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Right, now it's time for Jon and Miles
to go head-to-head in the maths.
Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
Yeah. Is it six in total?
- Six, yes. - Is that what we're looking for? So three...
I'm increasingly confident.
I can count. I just can't... The angle I'm at, I'm at...
- Although obviously... - There's no numbers yet. - No.
Yeah, zero. You've already... Yes, you've already got it.
- It's... - LAUGHTER
Three big numbers and three little numbers, please.
- Three and three coming up. - Yeah.
- You've got this, you've got this. - The three little 'uns -
10, 7, 2.
And the three big ones -
75, 25 and 50.
And the target -
192.
OK, and your time starts now.
I can get us to 193.
Plus the 50...
So the target was 192.
Miles, did you get it?
- I didn't, no. - Why did you look so pleased with yourself, then?
OK, Jon, did you get it?
- 193. - Mm.
How'd you get 193?
75 + 25
= 100
100 +
100 + = 200
- 7
- Yeah. - Yeah. - One away.
- That's what I got. - Judi, no-one believes you.
Listen, I did
2 x 75
- Keep going. - Then I added 50.
- No. - 25. - You added 50? - Yep.
I added 25.
- = 175 - = 175
- And then I added... - You haven't even done that.
- No, no, no, then I... - Stick the 10 and the 7 on.
+ 10
= 185
Fucking hell!
- + 7 - = 192
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You did it.
Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
I just did it here in front of you. What the hell?
You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
- I... I can't win. I can't. - No, you can't, you can't.
- Well, you weren't in that game. - Stop the conversation, you can't win.
- Seven points to Jon. - Oh, my...
Well, no, that's good. That's good.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser. The words are OILED NUT.
The clue is - you can see the shape of it.
It's OILED NUT - you can see the shape of it.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were OILED NUT.
The clue was - you can see the shape of it.
It was, of course, OUTLINED.
Jon,
your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help.
- Thank you. - Please welcome comedian Dane Buckley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests.
Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
- Oh, God. - And no gag reflex, yeah?
Well... LAUGHTER
- I've got a gag reflex, baby. - I remember, yeah. - Thank you.
No need to ask Dane how he got the job.
Dane, it's your first time on the show.
- Yeah. - How would you describe yourself?
Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
OK? That's what I would say.
That's what I say on the dating apps.
No, I call myself the world's only
Irish, Indian, gay comedian, possibly.
For the longest time, I wasn't out as half-Indian, like...
LAUGHTER
I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know?
But I'm out now. When you're Asian and white,
you just generally look Mediterranean,
you know, like Charli XCX.
But I learnt recently you're darker down below,
- you're darker down south, and I didn't know. - Are you? - Yes.
Well, thanks for sharing.
And I didn't realise that was a thing,
but I was at the doctor's recently and he saw me naked, bless him.
And he said, "Mr Buckley,
"can I ask you what your heritage is?" And I was like,
"What has he found? Onion bhaji in my inner thigh."
LAUGHTER
Are you any good at Countdown?
I'm a massive dyslexic, so no,
so that's why, guys, we're bringing the looks.
Also, I think we look like a line-up of
- United Colors of Benetton campaign, don't we? - Yes.
Look at that. Funding written all over us.
- Yes, yeah. - United Colors of Benetton.
- Yeah. - What's Jon, the guy from accounts?
LAUGHTER
You wouldn't know what that looks like.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's fair.
- Oh, ten points. That's ten points. - Yeah. - Yeah.
Dane, who's the funniest person you know?
Hands down - you'll know this, Jimmy, as well - my mammy.
Irish mammies are hilarious.
Cos people think that I am writing my mum
and making her up. I'm not. This is how she is.
Me and her were on a beach in Broadstairs,
walking along, minding my own business,
and we'd strayed onto the nudist part of the beach.
But there was this older gentleman there,
completely naked, belly hanging out, penis hanging out,
resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe, you know?
No teeth, lots of opinions.
That was his vibe.
LAUGHTER
He was targeting women on the beach,
but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
- And he said to my mum... - "Excuse me, love,
"does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?"
And my mum did not miss a beat.
Glasses on a chain, she said,
"What, love? That little thing there?"
LAUGHTER
"I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable."
She said, "I'll be honest with you, poppet,
"I've seen bigger in Mothercare."
He just walked away.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Have you got a mascot? Did you bring a mascot?
Oh, my God, yeah, I'm not just here to have fun.
Look at this. Yeah. Right.
This is a jalebi, the most famous of Indian sweets.
It's... It's crispy, it's deep-fried, it's syrupy,
and it's absolutely gorgeous.
And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week,
and we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea,
and she'd read my tea leaves.
- Mm. - But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me,
because she didn't want to ask.
- So she'd be like... - "Hmm, hmm, OK,
"not many..." I'm allowed to do the accent, OK?
So she'd be like...
So she used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like,
"Hmm, OK, not many girls in your future.
"So many boys. OK. Dancing, so gay...
"Oh, darling, you're dancing around a Pole."
And I was like, "Give me that, Nan.
"There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish, like..."
LAUGHTER
And so I thought, be brave.
I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan.
I said, "Nan, I'm gay."
She said, "We must call your father immediately." I said, "Why?"
She said, "He owes me £20."
LAUGHTER
I said, "Nan, I'm as gay as the day is long."
She said, "Rubbish, foolish. Gay as the day is long?
"You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
"#GaylightSavings."
LAUGHTER
But I have brought some jalebis for you guys to try.
I thought it'd be nice.
- Ohh! - Oh, thank you.
- Jalebis. - So, they are vegan, the jalebis.
- Oh, thanks. - Have a little go.
No, you keep them, Judi.
LAUGHTER
- Just take one and pass them on. - Oh, they're nice, aren't they?
- Nice? - Yeah. - Oh, my God.
There's nothing the matter with that.
- I know, isn't it? - It's like that crispy shredded beef
without the beef in.
- Yeah. - It is, yeah. LAUGHTER
Wow. Way to change my culture, Rob. Great.
- Sorry! - Do you want me to start on Angel Delight, Rob?
Haven't got any fucking custard, have ya?
This'd be nice with a bit of rice pudding.
My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen.
Fair, fair. But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland.
So growing up, I spoke Irish.
It's a Celtic language.
And you'll know, if you know any Irish,
nothing sounds like what you think it means.
Like listen to this.
Nil suim da laghad agam sna haiseanna sa cheantar.
Which sounds like, honestly,
you're saying, "Ready the war between the elves and the centaurs."
But it means, "I have no interest in the local facilities." So...
And if you know anything about a gay man,
that's just not true, Rob.
Well, I think I've done every stereotype.
Thank you. Goodnight.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Good, right? - Yeah. Push them back this way.
OK, on with the game. Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
A consonant.
- That's so much sugar. - That is extraordinary, isn't it?
It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar,
there would have been less sugar in it than that.
A vowel.
It's made my eyes hurt.
O
Another vowel.
I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
LAUGHTER
I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel.
LAUGHTER
A
Do you know what? Give us another vowel.
I
What are you going to do, colonise us?
LAUGHTER
You're gonna start annoying Jon in a minute.
- Yeah. - He's gonna start getting itchy. If you do another vowel,
he'll start getting panicky.
We've just met, and you've brought me a lovely treat.
But, you know, let's not fuck about.
LAUGHTER
OK, a consonant.
- There you go. That's for you. - S.
My fingers are too sticky to write.
How many...? How many vowels am I allowed?
- Um... - Four.
Do you know what? Give me a big vowel.
I'm so sorry, Dane, but the fun police have turned up.
- A consonant. - A consonant.
N
And a vowel.
E
That's... That's your max.
Right.
A consonant, then.
A number? Like...
And W.
- OK, and your time starts now. - Great.
- We're a team, mate. - Oh!
Yeah, you pick shit letters and we all suffer.
Doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
- Dane, how'd you do? - Four.
- Judi? - Four.
Did you get the same four that he got?
Yeah.
I think, Jon, you're on your own. How'd you do?
- Six. - Six, OK. Miles?
- Well... - Still eating it.
- Do you want some more? I've got extra. - No... - There you go.
- You do like it. - I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like
when I'm hyper. It'll be...
LAUGHTER
- Five. It was SINEW, was my word. - Ohh. - Wow.
Yeah, just tell me straight away. Doesn't matter.
- All right. Rob, how many? - Five.
SWINE!
LAUGHTER
I'm hyper. We're all hyper. We're on a sugar rush.
Deal with it, Dad.
LAUGHTER
Dane, your four? What was your four?
- NEWS. - Oh, well done.
Well done. Definitely...
Definitely worth turning up for.
- Judi, what was your four? - Not... Five.
Five. What was it?
- NOISE. - NOISE.
Jon?
# INSANE in the membrane
# INSANE in the brain! #
Very sugary.
LAUGHTER Very sugary, yeah.
Six points to Jon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's gone crazy.
OK.
Fucking amazing.
- Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yep.
SWANNIE!
- Huh? - What, sorry? - SWANNIE.
SWANNIE!
- Like the song? - Like...
- THEY SQUAWK - Like a swan.
It's like a swan. Or it's also, I think,
quite a nice sort of padded, waterproof jacket with a hood.
OK, so the scores at the moment -
Rob and Miles have 23, Jon, Judi and Dane have 20.
- Ooh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here is your final teaser.
The words are ID NOSH ME.
The clue is - anything for a good time.
That's ID NOSH ME - anything for a good time.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser...
The words were ID NOSH ME.
The clue was - anything for a good time.
It was, of course, HEDONISM.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, Judi, Dane, your turn to pick.
JUDI AND DANE LAUGH
I think Jon might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
These two are getting on really well.
- Consonant, please, Rachel. - Yeah.
Thanks, Jon.
T
Vowel.
A
Consonant, please.
F
Consonant, please.
S
Vowel, please.
E
Consonant, please.
L
Vowel, please.
A
Consonant, please.
D
And another vowel, please.
And the last one...
I've lost where I am.
I
Actually, I'm bored of the clock music.
I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
- OK. - Yeah. - And your time starts now.
NORMAL COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS
SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS
SPANISH-STYLE COUNTDOWN CLOCK
OK, Jon, how many?
Tengo seis, gracias.
Sorry?
Tengo seis, Jimmy.
What's happened to your voice, Jon?
Ahora hablo espanol, Mr Carr.
Uno de mis muchos talentos secretos.
I have no idea what you're saying.
La gente solo piensa, "Oh, es little Jon Richardson.
"Miralo con su little cardigan y su estupida big boy..."
Hay mucho mas de lo que parece.
Estoy harto de que la gente bromee,
diciendo que soy una especie de virgin ratboy.
Y una ultima cosa que me gustaria admitir,
es que realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnobs.
- Gracias. - Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties.
I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice.
- Yeah, I think that's it. Try that. - Hello!
- Jon, how many? - Six. - OK. Dane, how many?
- Five. - Judi, how many?
- Six. - OK. Miles, how many?
- Seven, I think. - Oh, damn.
- Ooh. Rob? - Five. - Fine, what's your five?
FADES
FADES. OK. Dane, your five?
FALSE
FALSE, OK. Judi?
LADIES.
Jon, your six?
FASTED
Miles, for the points, your seven?
Er, DILATES?
- Yeah. - Oh.
- Ooh! - Wow. - My man. - Oh.
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Seven points to Miles.
Wow.
Strong. Could they have done any better?
- No. - Nope. - Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it.
It was fantastic.
Well done, Lord Grantham.
OK, so Rob and Miles have 30.
Jon, Judi, and Dane have 20.
APPLAUSE
OK, so it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum today.
- Are you ready for this? - Yeah. - Today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER
- Jon? - PICKINESS.
Oh, how did you get that?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
That's it. Daddy Cool got it, I guess.
So the final scores are - everyone's got 30.
It's a draw. Everyone's a winner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this -
the Countdown dog bed.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us. Goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media