CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown —
Jon Richardson.
Richard Ayoade.
Lucy Beaumont.
Joe Wilkinson.
Finlay Christie.
Susie Dent.
Rachel Riley.
And your host, jimmyyyyy Carr!
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I like the sitcom Meet The Richardsons. The only downside
of the show is one of the Richardsons you have to meet is jon.
Lucy, you should have got up and slapped jimmy
for those remarks. Were they insulting me?
No, me. They were insulting him but you should have said,
"Take my husband's name out of your mouth..."
Don't mess with my man.
"Take my husband's name out your flippin' mouth."
Wow. I married the wrong person.
It's not too late, Jon. And Jon's team-mate.
His real life wife, Lucy Beaumont.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lucy and jon are married. So, Lucy, I know everyone watching at home
is dying to know — what made you decide to settle?
I don't see this for life.
LAUGHTER
Isn't there a song, Just Passing Through?
Is it? just Passing Through? A season, a reason or a lifetime?
I know you're from Hull, I'm getting about half of this.
You meet in your life old souls, new souls...assholes.
Put music under this, this is like je t'aime.
No, but I've had a nice time. I mean, before, Jon,
I'd never had an avocado. We've had a lovely life, you know?
So you feel like he's expanded your horizons?
You never had an avocado until you met jon? No.
Now we've had a daughter and, you know, who knows what will happen
in the future? Are you breaking up now?
You know, we've had a lovely daughter, so it has been worth it.
LAUGHTER
I think I've just broken them up. And up against them this evening,
it's guest team captain Richard Ayoade.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard is credited with giving a voice to geeks everywhere.
And what a silly, nasally, whiny voice it is.
Take my husband's name...
LAUGHTER
And joining Richard tonight, it's joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
joe is what we call an eccentric. It's an old English term,
meaning we know he did it, but we can't prove it.
Richard, what have you been up to lately?
Well, you're kind to feign interest. I am...
I've written a children's book. Do you want to see the cover?
I would love to see the cover. Look at this. Go on, what's...
What's that? The Book That No One Wanted To Read.
It's a pre—emptive strike on critics, and it's...
It's an absolute triumph. That's a genuine book.
This isn't a prop.
This is all sales, this bit. There's no jokes here. Really?
I can't work out if you're joking or not.
Why's it not got any pages?
OK... OK, so what's the book about?
The book is about... It's the first book to have been written by a book.
The main character is a book. I'm out.
I don't understand. A book has written the book about a book
that no—one wants to read. That's what... It's hilarious.
I can see why you haven't bothered to write it yet.
This is a sale. You don't... Have you seen a poster before?
It's not got the whole film behind it.
I mean, what's so hard about the concept of it?
Cos they usually have pages, books. Do you look at pictures of people
you know and go, "That's not the person. It's 2D!"
I don't know if you've seen a lot of jimmy's work, but we don't get
a lot of kids watching.
Jon, what are the challenges of working with your partner?
I would say divorcing live on air would be one of them.
I think we work well together. It's living together is the issue.
So do you think you and Lucy will make a good team? No.
No, I don't think so. I have two safe spaces.
One is a room in our house that I go and get drunk in
and one is here where I can come and be with...
You're my real friends, aren't you? This is my hanging out time.
You usually see quite a sort of laddie side of me.
I'm having to sort of really...
Usually I'm down here like, "Hey, fucking get the letters out."
You're always like, "What's she been like?"
Rachel's like, "I bet she's a fucking nightmare."
LAUGHTER
joe, tell us something surprising about yourself. Oh, yeah,
I have a normal amount of pubic hair.
LAUGHTER
Really?
I was picturing more like a pistachio in a hedge. Yeah.
People think I have loads but it couldn't be further from the truth.
The amount I have is spot—on.
The only thing is, though, it's not curly.
Yeah, it's... It's straight and blonde.
So it hangs down in front of my pipe like a cream shower curtain.
OK, Richard, have you got a mascot?
I have a very interesting...
Cos I've started doing lots of voice work.
When you've got a marvellous, mellifluous baritone like me,
people want to hire you. Sure. With this, you can...
You can add things. So if you give me any scenario for a cartoon,
I can do it with this. Do you want one? If you want.
Two badgers meeting.
HIGH—PITCHED, DISTORTED VOICE: "Hi, I'm a badger.
"I've just written a book. It's...
"It's a book written by a book that no-one wants to read.
"There's a poster, but there is no depth to the book as yet.
"How are you?"
"I'm OK. That book sounds very interesting.
"The last thing I'd want to do is denigrate it,
"especially when there's a very limited opportunity to bring it
"to people's attention." "Well, thank you for that.
"And thank you for the opportunity."
This is perfect.
I use this for character work. Does it do anything else?
It also goes deep. Oh, well... It goes deeper.
DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE: Do you want to hear the deep? So...
NORMAL VOICE: So ask me anything and I'll make it sound extremely sensual.
What did you have for breakfast this morning?
DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE: I skipped breakfast
because I had a baaaad stomach.
Richard? Yes. Jon wants to do children's films like you do.
You're in everything. Thank you. And Jon always goes,
"Oh, it's him again." Yeah. I can't take my daughter to the cinema
cos it's just people I know.
And she says, "Daddy, why don't you do one of those films?"
And I say to her, "I don't fucking know!"
LAUGHTER
I take it really well.
That was brought to you by professional jealousy.
Lucy, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I have. So, basically,
let me explain that I know we're on a team together, with Jon,
but, as you know, he's good at everything.
We'll let that go, shall we? Let's just let it go.
I would like to be better than him on this. I would like to do better.
I would like to get more points.
And the only way I'm going to do that is if I distract him.
And there's only one thing I think that will distract him.
And it's in this box. It's not a pair of tits.
LAUGHTER
You know I love severed breasts.
LAUGHTER
What you need to know is Jon is a pretend vegan...
How do you mean a pretend vegan? Cos he goes on about being vegan.
We both are vegan. But I like blue cheese and fish
and Jon likes nice sausages and steak.
I am vegan. Except in situations...
Here we go. ..where my wife orders food and then leaves it.
I have the steak cos of the iron.
And Jon orders butternut squash and he looks like a bit upset.
And then so what I do is, when I get to the last bit, I go,
"Oh, I can't eat that bit." I'm just pretending.
And then what we have to do is we swap the plates around,
and I'm not allowed to look at him, and it's all in silence.
LAUGHTER
And he eats this bit of steak
and then the look on his face after he's eaten it is like...
You know, those Facebook videos that go viral of the deaf baby
when it gets a hearing aid?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What's going to distract him, then? What's...? What's...?
Oh, God. It's a massive steak.
Yeah, it's a dead cow.
What part of a cow would that be, then, do you think? Perineum.
The what? Perineum.
LAUGHTER
just my guess. For me, it's my favourite cut.
Where would you like me to cut? Here? Yeah.
Oh! It's cake! It's cake.
Amazing. That's superb, isn't it? I mean, that's...remarkable.
APPLAUSE
Is that like a beef dripping cake? Steak cake.
It's just got rabbit in the filling.
LAUGHTER
jon, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot. Thank you for asking.
I tell you what I don't like, I don't like reality
and I don't like seeing other people
who aren't suffering for my amusement. Oh! OK.
He's just like all men in Wetherspoons.
I meant to say that in my head.
LAUGHTER
I've lost a lot of time this week.
I don't know if you've ever Googled the words "VR fails".
If you want to see a pensioner run headfirst into their own telly...
Yes, please. And let's be honest, who doesn't?
You need to get a slice of the VR headset market. OK.
Well, welcome to the Jon Richardson Virtual Reality Simulator.
Right. You get the gloves so you can feel what it's like,
the clammy touch of a genuine Jon Richardson.
I love how tiny the gloves are. They are tiny. And this is the headset.
So I'm going to go into the performance area there,
if you don't mind, Jimmy. Sure. When I put this on and I activate it,
it will take me into a world that I have created,
that is how I think the world should be, to be honest. So...
Hang on, he's off.
R's so grew!
It's incredible!
HE GASPS
I've got full hair!
LAUGHTER
I've got long hair.
Hello, there. Do you need some help?
Yeah?
LAUGHTER
What's happening here, jon?
Just trying to move the dining table so we can hoover under it.
Oh, someone's left some chips on a little coffee table.
See if I can... Can you see this,
where, if I pick up an actual chip,
put some more salt and vinegar on...
You know, it's not even real, is it? I could just cover myself in salt.
LAUGHTER
It's just so real.
APPLAUSE I like it.
Joe, have you got a mascot? I've actually brought along
a packet of haemorrhoid suppositories
because I love the design of the package and the beautiful font.
LAUGHTER
Sorry...what? I've had haemorrhoids for several years now,
so I've got to the point where I can pop one of those in
and people can't really tell when I've done it.
I'll let you into a little secret, jimmy. It's all about misdirection.
LOUD BANG, SHRIEKING
Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER
Did you just...?
APPLAUSE
While that was...
Yeah.
The itching is immediately gone.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Finlay Christie. Hey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Finlay's here so, showbiz scoop, it looks like Clare Balding
and Ellen DeGeneres did have that baby.
LAUGHTER
It's your first time on the show. Tell us a little bit about yourself.
I'm 22, which means I'm Gen Z and it's great being Gen Z, you know,
like, with a generation that grew up with smart phones, you know,
I love my phone, you know, but people say me all the time,
like, "Oh, get rid of your phone, you'll be so much happier."
Whenever I hear that, I just think, like, "Do I want to be happy or...
"..do I just want my phone?" Do you really think that?
Yeah. Like, I feel like phones are better than happiness.
Really, because, like, if you're on a night out
and someone loses their phone, it's deep, right?
Is it in your bag? Is it on the train? We'll call the train.
Is it in a pub? We'll call the pub.
That's what happens if you lose your phone. But, like, if you're on
a night out and someone told you they weren't happy, you'd be like,
"OK.
"Yeah, none of us are happy. That's why we're out."
With Finlay, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Susie recently developed a gaming app called Two Words.
The game has a two player mode, which seems optimistic.
Here's the big question, Susie, are you working on a new book?
Yes. For fuck's sake.
LAUGHTER
It's a dictionary of emotions.
Gives you lots of words for the way that you're feeling.
So there's a brilliant word, age otori, from Japanese, which is —
you'll know this one — this is the desolation you feel
after a bad haircut.
LAUGHTER
We've all had a bad haircut.
We don't all fly across the world to have it sewn back in.
LAUGHTER
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! Hey, Rachel.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on, then. Come on, then.
Rachel's come straight from her other job as a dental nurse.
LAUGHTER
Shall we go with your teeth? Shall we move on from here to teeth?
My teeth? They're fucking fantastic.
I mean, they're not mine. Technically, they belong to HMRC.
LAUGHTER
Rachel, does being good with numbers run your family?
Well, my brother is really good at maths. He got 100% in his GCSE
without doing any work... Is that a lot? That's not bad.
I think he's passed it on to his son, who's five years old.
It was a relative's birthday and she said,
"Uncle Harry is turning 95. What will he be in five years' time?"
And quick as a flash, he said, "Dead."
If you're watching and you're 95...
LAUGHTER
OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown Dressing Up Box.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at that.
That's joe Wilkinson — but you would.
LAUGHTER
And that is what Lucy sees when she looks at jon Richardson.
LAUGHTER
Boys, could you go and stand behind? I just want to see...
Let's beat the shit out of each other.
It looks like we've done a makeover show.
LAUGHTER
Lucy? Lucy? Yeah...
If I had to... Yeah, I would, yeah.
Joe, what do you think of yours? Lovely.
LAUGHTER
Er...take that.
Is that your room key? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Can we wrap this up?
LAUGHTER
The Countdown Dressing Up Box, everyone. Thanks, gents.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone. It's time for our first game.
Jon, Lucy, your turn to choose the letters. Consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Jon.
T Vowel, please.
I Consonant, please, Rachel.
L Consonant, please.
S Vowel, please. Brilliant.
A Consonant, please.
N Another...consonant.
C Another vowel, please.
U Vowel, please. A final...
O
You know what, as you're doing this, I'm going to do 30 seconds cardio.
Ah... Doo-doo-doo.
Right, your time starts...now.
MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
he'? §oe, mate, You know those haemorrhoid suppositories?
Could I borrow one?
Gave me a hell of a lot of eye contact.
Jon, How many? Eight.
Lucy, How many? Five. Five.
Richard, How many? I'm going to say five and play it safe.
Joe, how many? Er... F... Six.
I might get down now before I die.
Oh, lovely dismount.
APPLAUSE
Do you know what? It's nice to get some air on it.
Richard, your five. TOILS.
Lucy, your five. I got TOILS as well.
Joe, your six. SCOUNT.
SCOUNT. Could you use that in a sentence?
"My God, I've got a six, it's SCOUNT."
What does SCOUNT mean, joe? I'm going to need a definition from you.
SCOUNT. It's 20% off discount. Yeah, exactly.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, that is good.
It looks like it should be a word. Susie Dent, is that a word? No.
Should I point out it's 25% and ruin Jon's clay? Yes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'd have to be a real piece of work to have been divorced live on air
and have that be the thing that ruined my life.
OK, jon, your eight. CAUTIONS.
Excellent. CAUTIONS.
Eight points to jon.
APPLAUSE
Susie, Finlay, could they have done any better? It's pretty good.
CAUTIONS was the best. I mean, there were a couple of other eights.
There's LUNATICS and AUCTIONS.
So at the end of that, jon and Lucy are in the lead with eight points.
RICHARD: Son of a gun.
APPLAUSE
On to our first numbers round. OK, Richard, he,
your turn to pick the numbers. We'll go basic.
Classic. Classic. El Clasico.
Ole! The four little ones...
I'm saying this is getting too self—referential. And I've written
a book from the point of view of the book about a book.
So your target is
717 and your time starts now.
Wow, that seems too high. That's too high.
There's just not enough time to do it.
LAUGHTER
OK. So the target was 717.
Richard, did you get it? 25.
LAUGHTER
OK. jon, did you get it? Only just
and I haven't written it down.
Ditto. Ditto.
LAUGHTER
OK, Lucy, did you get it?
I'm still... Still looking.
We“, why don": we go to he first'?
OK, s0...take the 50... Uh-huh. ..and write it up there. Yup.
LAUGHTER
Step one. Times it by 2.
No, wait, wait!
Add the 5. Right, 55. That's 55. We're getting warmer.
Times that by 2
and times it by the 7. 770.
Times the...
Times the 5 and the 6. You've already used the 5.
You know what? She's right.
She is good, though. She is good. She's right. Fair play to you,
Rachel you done me. OK, yon, how did you do it'?
50 multiplied by 7. 350.
Then add the 6. Yeah, 356.
Then times by 2. ls 712.
And then add the 5. Well done.
Ten points to jon. And here is your teaser. The words are
GNAWNIPS and the clue is, the wider the better.
That's GNAWNIPS, the wider the better. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser — the words were GNAWNIPS,
the clue was the wider, the better. It was, of course, WINGSPAN.
OK, on to another letters game. joe, your turn to choose.
May I have a consent, please? Course you can, Joe. Thank you.
...
May I have another consonant, please?
M May I have a vowel?
A May I have another vowel? You may.
E May I have a consonant, please?
H May I have a vowel?
O May I have another vowel?
I May I have a consonant?
F May I have another consonant?
You may have a final G
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So I've done everyone. It's quite good, isn't it?
Holy shit, that's the letters from this round. I've done Rachel,
I've done Susie, I've done Finlay, I've done joe there. You can't see
this, obviously, but the detail's incredible. The joe one smells.
Got Richard there. And then we've got...
We've got Lucy. And I've done one of...
I've done a life-size one of jon.
LAUGHTER
Oh. Peeping over the desk. It's cute, isn't it?
That was the moment of realisation that if I looked like the Lego me
and they made a film about it,
you would still get to do the voice instead of me.
"It's another eight—letter word."
LAUGHTER
I'll just turn that so you can see. Can you see jon?
LAUGHTER
You do sometimes feel like a small man, don't you?
The annoying thing is... No, hold. Let's just...
When does he feel like a small man?
He feels very insecure around, you know, gardeners, electricians,
plumbers... Anyone you're sleeping with, yeah.
How many? Oh, she's had five... How many men?
LAUGHTER
I meant, how many did you get in this round? Oh, sorry.
Four. Four letters. Four? Yeah. OK.
Jon, how many? Well, a risky seven.
OK. Richard? Eight. Ooh.
That's right. A confident eight. Nice.
Joe? I've got six. It's a risky six. GAMIER.
LAUGHTER
Susie, Is that in there? It is, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lucy, your four. HOME. OK, yon, your seven.
Well, I don't think it will be in cos I think it's a French word,
but FROMAGE. That's a good one.
From age blanc, from age frats but no plain from age.
From age frats is in there? What, the little yoghurt? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Yes. So is Petite Filous.
That's Petite Filous! I'm thinking of Petite Filous!
LAUGHTER
I love the fact that jon knew that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They packed lunch together.
For your first points of the evening. Go on, big dog. Your eight.
This is definitely a word. Bit of confidence, great.
HAREMFIG.
HAREMFIG. I think I think it would be hyphenated. Ladies and gentlemen,
I don't get to say this very often, but six points to joe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Finlay, Susie, could they have done it better? Doubt it.
We've got FOAMIER. Oh.
"That dog with rabies is even foamier."
LAUGHTER
I don't think anyone's ever said that that calmly.
"Audible presents Cujo by Richard Ayoade."
I'm well ahead of you. Done it. Hang on.
DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE: The dogs were wandering out, some were foamy
but others were foamier still.
Chuck Brasterton needed to get the foamiest, and quick.
Or his...ass would be in a sling.
I mean...
APPLAUSE
OK. They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Lucy and Richard.
Lucy, you've got to pick the numbers. A big number.
Thank you.
LAUGHTER
You just want one or do you want another one? However many you want
to...do. Do a couple. Chuck a couple in there.
Thank you. Just for fun.
Four little ones. El Classico again.
Right, we've got... Yes! Yes!
OK. Got it. And the target... Oh, 885.
And your time starts now.
Don't bother.
So the target was 885. Richard, did you get it?
I genuinely thought it was Joe doing that round.
Then, yes, I did get it. Yeah, Joe got it.
Richard, did you get it? Yeah, he got it. It doesn't look like it.
You got it. No, I don't think so. JON COUGHS CONSPICUOUSLY
So, Lucy, did you get it? Yeah. Yes, OK, how did you do it?
Erm, picked up this paper... No.
No, I won't have it. What I did... OK. OK, then.
75 times 10. 750.
And then add 8. 758.
And then add 6.
I feel like adding it's going to be a huge part of this.
764. Then add 4.
Will that make the difference? Is that it? I got 888.
Richard's got 888. Definitely within the 30 seconds.
Go on, how did you do that?
75 times 10. 75 times 10.
750. 750.
Then 25 times 7. Yeah, 150.
Thank you for helping me.
Add those two numbers together.
900. Then the fun starts.
8, take that away.
Yep. It's got less. Then take a 4 away. Yes.
Well done. Three away. Shut up. 888. Seven points to Richard. Yeah.
APPLAUSE
OK. Rachel, could it be done? It could be done.
Should we let Jon do it or is that...?
How would you have done it then, jon? 6 times four is 24.
6 times 4 is 24. Take away 8.
16. Add 75.
He's... Lovely. Yeah.
91. Times by 10. 910.
Take off the 25.
APPLAUSE
OK, so Richard and joe are on 13 points. Yes.
Jon and Lucy are just ahead with 18. That's right.
APPLAUSE
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Finlay, what have you got for us?
Well, as I was saying before, I'm a young person, like, at 22,
like, I don't feel like a man yet. Like, I still feel like a boy.
And it's better to be a boy. I think, like, men are sort of scary,
you know, men are sort of, like, "Oh, I'm a man."
Boys are more like, "Oh, boys." You know. "Oh, you're having a party.
"Oh, there's going to be boys there." You know, like,
boys are just men who get away with stuff, really. Like, like,
you know, like, if a man is bad, he's a bad man.
If a boy is bad, he's a bad boy, you know?
You know.
Like, man boobs, urgh, annoying.
Man boobs. Boy boobs — not even a thing. Come on.
Like, like a band of boys, a boy band. Harmless. Cool.
A band of men.
Pirates.
LAUGHTER
"|t's a boy! Oh, congratulations."
"It's a man.
"Allegations."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You know, landlords. Urgh, landlords.
You know, landlords. "The landlord's coming." Urgh!
Landlord.
Rentboy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Finlay Christie, everyone.
And here is your teaser. The words are FEEDITIN,
the clue is, this will work. That's FEEDITIN, this will work.
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser — the words were FEEDITIN, the clue was
this will work. It was, of course, DEFINITE.
OK, on with another letters game.
Jon, joe, you're going head-to-head in this round and we're going to
make things more interesting.
We're going to play for double points in the Lightning Round.
LIGHTNING CRASHES
I don't want to play in the Lightning Round.
You've EACH been fitted with an electric shock. Oh, no.
So at any stage in this, you might receive an electric shock.
I'll test them now. So Jon's first. Argh!
LAUGHTER
That's clearly... I apologise, I got the mixed up.
No, I'm just saying, that was... Oh... So, jon...
Hold on. What, sorry?
LAUGHTER
What, Joe'? It's so funny when it's not you.
Joe, what was...? What were you...? No, if you're going to...
What is it, a complaint? Are you OK? Yeah, fine.
Are you sure? Ah!
Well, this could be the rest of the show.
I need to fart. I have farted!
Argh! LAUGHTER
These are tremendous. Argh!
He is crying from his nose now.
LAUGHTER
Some people for this, though, Joe. Do they? Yeah.
Sort you haemorrhoids out.
Now, you've played the Lightning Round before.
This is for double points. There's going to be a few distractions
and just randomly you might get shocked a couple of times.
But this is all about focus, right?
Trying to focus while this is going on. You piece of work.
You're all right at this. You were good at it last time.
You got, like, a seven—letter word.
JOE LAUGHS
You're going to get me when I'm talking.
HE SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
You know this was an experiment they did. What was it, like,
security guards and inmates and then they swapped.
RICHARD: Stanford Prison. We'll be swapping for the next round.
We're going to pin you down. We could pin him down and stick this...
I... I'm not going to.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK. jon, pick the letters.
NERVOUSLY: Consonant, please, Rachel
LAUGHTER
W Another one.
Vowel.
E
Two consonants, please.
I'm afraid you have to do them one by one. I'll have that P, then.
And then...
just get on with it, jimmy, cos it's killing me.
The tension is killing me.
ARGH!
LAUGHTER
Arghg
0h!
You've just created a safe space for sadism. That's what you've done.
Lucy, what noise does jon make when he comes?
Arghg
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He just says, "I'm sorry."
LAUGHTER
Consonant, please.
L Consonant, please.
S A vowel, please.
U And a consonant, please.
And the last one. Good luck. B
So for double points, it's the Countdown Lightning Round.
Your time starts... Oh, shit. ..now.
Argh! LAUGHTER
SHRIEKING
HE SHOUTS
SHRIEKING
Argh! LAUGHTER
Argh! I can't even hold a pen!
Arghg
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lucy...do you want that?
Do you want it now? Have a go.
Oh... RICHARD: It's like some kind of weird key party.
Oh! LAUGHTER
Oh! I'll give him some cake.
Jon, how many did you get?
I'll try a seven.
Oh! LAUGHTER
Oh, come on, he's eating cake. You can't resist that, can you?
I can't do it again because what if I get addicted to it?
Can you throw it to me, then?
OK, joe. How many? Five. Oh!
LAUGHTER
You can't get me while he's talking.
I'm so hot. You can't electrocute someone in a cardigan.
That's a human rights issue.
OK, joe, what was your five? BUSES.
Your seven? PU BLESS.
Susie, is PUBLESS in there? No.
Be annoying if all that was for nothing.
OK, so that's double points so ten points to joe.
0h!
APPLAUSE
You're not going to do the fucking numbers round where you've got
a harpoon and we have to do it running around the studio?
Finlay, Susie, could they have done any better? Not really.
We just had sixes, didn't we? Yeah. So at the end of that round,
Richard and joe are in the lead with 23 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Finlay, what have you got for us?
Well, I was I was a student when the pandemic happened, right,
and so I had to do, like, online uni,
all my lectures and stuff were put online and it sucked, man.
Like, you know, you're supposed to have fun at uni.
You know, you're supposed to... Supposed to get laid at uni.
Do you know how hard it is to get laid at online uni?
LAUGHTER
Like, I felt like the gay best friend, like, like, I'm not
getting laid, but I've seen all the girls' bedrooms, you know?
You've got to be good at sliding into the DMs.
Actually, I plan my messages beforehand in the Notes app, right?
But over think it. Like, over lockdown this girl messaged me.
She said, "What have you been up to today?" Right?
I was straight in the Notes app. Right? Crafting my masterpiece.
How do I say "I've done nothing" but in a cool way? Right?
So I put, "Had a chill one today."
Then I thought, "Had a chill one today is cool, but it's not sexy."
Right? So I put, "Had a chill one today, went to the gym."
And then I remembered the gyms were closed.
So I put, "Had a chill one today. Upset that I didn't go to the gym."
And then I thought, "Upset"?
You can't tell a girl in the early stages that you're upset,
it's too vulnerable, right? Upset.
So I've got to change it to something more manly.
So I changed it, "Had a chill one today,
"VEXED I didn't go to the gym."
It's more manly, you know, vexed is a more manly emotion.
It's one of the two manly emotions — vexed and fine. Right?
But I'm thinking this message is going to kill the conversation dead.
And that's when I used my special move.
Three words. "How about you?"
Once you master the "how about you?" you can start doing it
in response to every question a girl asks you.
That way, she's coming up with the questions and she's answering them.
She's talking to herself, guys.
LAUGHTER
So I sent the message.
"Had a chill one today.
"Vexed I didn't go to the gym. How about you?"
She replied.
"Same."
LAUGHTER
Blocked her.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Finlay Christie, everyone.
And here is your final teaser. The words are RICOSHAT,
the clue is, it's on fire. That's RICOSHAT. It's on fire.
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser — the words were RICOSHAT,
the clue was it's on fire. It was, of course, CHARIOTS.
Time for our final letters game.
Richard, joe, your turn to choose. Consonant, please.
T And a vowel, please.
O And another consonant, please.
X No, thank you.
A vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
T A consonant, please.
B Consonant, please.
M A vowel, please.
And one...
One more consonant, please. These are crap, Joe.
C
OK, well, while we're doing this. I'm going to pack for my holidays.
30 seconds starts now.
Right.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, you've got in a pickle. You know at the airport when they ask,
"Did you pack this yourself?"
That was a lovely visual, Jimmy. It really was. Richard, How many?
Five. joe, how many? A risky four.
LAUGHTER
jon, how many? I'll try a six. Lucy? Four. Lucy, your four.
Yeah, but I don't know whether you're allowed it because it's
BTEC so you're probably not allowed...
Susie, is BTEC in the dictionary? Not spelled like that.
Oh. How is it spelled?
Well, it's not actually in the dictionary at all.
LAUGHTER
Wow, so that was Susie Dent there just trying to be nice.
I don't even know what it stands for, actually.
Sorry, does anyone know what BTEC stands for?
They would if this was Eggheads.
Yeah, if this was Eggheads they would have fucked off hours ago.
I don't think they'd have electrocuted Judith Keppel
on Eggheads. "I hate sport... Fucking...!"
LAUGHTER
joe, your four. TEET.
It's Northern for "to eat." As in, we're going out TEET.
Richard? OCTET. Oh! Very nice. OCTET. Is that really real?
Have you not made that up? It's a musical term. Meaning?
Eight lads...some string music... Going to town on each other.
LAUGHTER
OCTET, that's in the dictionary, isn't it? Definitely. It's amazing
I have got a word. I am as stunned as anyone else.
Yeah, but you pulled that out the sack. It's real? Yes.
I mean, I know this is a dumbed down version of the show,
but it really feels like we've gone out of our way this evening.
We can't believe someone's got a word!
But it's a really good word. It's an excellent word.
Jon, your six. My six, which I think is a brand name, is EXOCET.
RICHARD: No way. If you beat OCTET I'm gonna smash your face in.
EXOCET, which you think is a brand name?
So you think it's a brand of missile?
Yeah, an EXOCET missile. An EXOCET missile. Is it a brand?
It's got a capital letter, you're right. Capital letter.
Five points to Richard.
APPLAUSE
OCTET. OCTET, bruv.
Finlay, Susie, could they have done any better?
There's one six, there's BECOME.
Yeah. But it's still not as good as OCTET. Thank you.
And that's from someone who looks like all of the members of Hanson
in one. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
OK. So jon and Lucy have 18.
Richard and joe are in the lead with 28. Right.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
jon, Lucy, the best you can hope for is a draw.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum. The time starts...
Can you shock him? Yeah, where the fuck are the shockers?
You've never had a catchphrase but "where the fuck are the shockers"
I think... LAUGHTER
Your time starts now. Please don't get it, Jon.
BUZZER km. BLUNDERED.
Oh, shut up. Let's have a look.
BLUNDERED is the word.
APPLAUSE
You couldn't just give it to us.
You couldn't just let it go, could you?
You got a draw... Everyone out there thinks you're an A—hole.
So no-one is now the proud owner of this Countdown Dressing Up Box.
Well done, Jon. Thanks to all our panel lists,
our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media