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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown —
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Jon Richardson.
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Richard Ayoade.
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Lucy Beaumont.
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Joe Wilkinson.
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Finlay Christie.
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Susie Dent.
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Rachel Riley.
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And your host, jimmyyyyy Carr!
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Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
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a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
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OK, let's meet tonight's players.
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First up, it's team captain
jon Richardson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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I like the sitcom Meet The
Richardsons. The only downside
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of the show is one of the
Richardsons you have to meet is jon.
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Lucy, you should have got up
and slapped jimmy
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for those remarks.
Were they insulting me?
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No, me. They were insulting him
but you should have said,
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"Take my husband's name
out of your mouth..."
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Don't mess with my man.
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"Take my husband's name
out your flippin' mouth."
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Wow. I married the wrong person.
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It's not too late, Jon.
And Jon's team-mate.
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His real life wife, Lucy Beaumont.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Lucy and jon are married. So, Lucy,
I know everyone watching at home
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is dying to know — what made you
decide to settle?
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I don't see this for life.
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LAUGHTER
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Isn't there a song,
Just Passing Through?
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Is it? just Passing Through?
A season, a reason or a lifetime?
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I know you're from Hull,
I'm getting about half of this.
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You meet in your life old souls,
new souls...assholes.
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Put music under this,
this is like je t'aime.
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No, but I've had a nice time.
I mean, before, Jon,
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I'd never had an avocado.
We've had a lovely life, you know?
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So you feel like he's expanded
your horizons?
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You never had an avocado
until you met jon? No.
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Now we've had a daughter and,
you know, who knows what will happen
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in the future?
Are you breaking up now?
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You know, we've had a lovely
daughter, so it has been worth it.
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LAUGHTER
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I think I've just broken them up.
And up against them this evening,
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it's guest team captain
Richard Ayoade.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Richard is credited with giving
a voice to geeks everywhere.
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And what a silly, nasally,
whiny voice it is.
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Take my husband's name...
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LAUGHTER
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And joining Richard tonight,
it's joe Wilkinson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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joe is what we call an eccentric.
It's an old English term,
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meaning we know he did it,
but we can't prove it.
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Richard, what have you been
up to lately?
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Well, you're kind to feign interest.
I am...
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I've written a children's book.
Do you want to see the cover?
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I would love to see the cover.
Look at this. Go on, what's...
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What's that? The Book
That No One Wanted To Read.
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It's a pre—emptive strike
on critics, and it's...
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It's an absolute triumph.
That's a genuine book.
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This isn't a prop.
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This is all sales, this bit.
There's no jokes here. Really?
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I can't work out
if you're joking or not.
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Why's it not got any pages?
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OK... OK, so what's the book about?
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The book is about... It's the first
book to have been written by a book.
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The main character is a book.
I'm out.
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I don't understand. A book has
written the book about a book
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that no—one wants to read.
That's what... It's hilarious.
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I can see why you haven't bothered
to write it yet.
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This is a sale. You don't...
Have you seen a poster before?
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It's not got the whole film
behind it.
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I mean, what's so hard
about the concept of it?
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Cos they usually have pages, books.
Do you look at pictures of people
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you know and go,
"That's not the person. It's 2D!"
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I don't know if you've seen a lot
of jimmy's work, but we don't get
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a lot of kids watching.
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Jon, what are the challenges
of working with your partner?
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I would say divorcing live on air
would be one of them.
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I think we work well together.
It's living together is the issue.
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So do you think you and Lucy
will make a good team? No.
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No, I don't think so.
I have two safe spaces.
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One is a room in our house
that I go and get drunk in
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and one is here where I can
come and be with...
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You're my real friends, aren't you?
This is my hanging out time.
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You usually see quite a sort of
laddie side of me.
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I'm having to sort of really...
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Usually I'm down here like,
"Hey, fucking get the letters out."
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You're always like,
"What's she been like?"
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Rachel's like,
"I bet she's a fucking nightmare."
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LAUGHTER
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joe, tell us something surprising
about yourself. Oh, yeah,
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I have a normal amount
of pubic hair.
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LAUGHTER
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Really?
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I was picturing more like
a pistachio in a hedge. Yeah.
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People think I have loads but it
couldn't be further from the truth.
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The amount I have is spot—on.
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The only thing is, though,
it's not curly.
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Yeah, it's...
It's straight and blonde.
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So it hangs down in front of my pipe
like a cream shower curtain.
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OK, Richard,
have you got a mascot?
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I have a very interesting...
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Cos I've started doing
lots of voice work.
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When you've got a marvellous,
mellifluous baritone like me,
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people want to hire you. Sure.
With this, you can...
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You can add things. So if you give
me any scenario for a cartoon,
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I can do it with this.
Do you want one? If you want.
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Two badgers meeting.
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HIGH—PITCHED, DISTORTED VOICE:
"Hi, I'm a badger.
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"I've just written a book. It's...
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"It's a book written by a book
that no-one wants to read.
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"There's a poster, but there is no
depth to the book as yet.
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"How are you?"
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"I'm OK. That book
sounds very interesting.
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"The last thing I'd want to do
is denigrate it,
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"especially when there's a very
limited opportunity to bring it
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"to people's attention."
"Well, thank you for that.
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"And thank you for the opportunity."
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This is perfect.
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I use this for character work.
Does it do anything else?
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It also goes deep.
Oh, well... It goes deeper.
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DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE:
Do you want to hear the deep? So...
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NORMAL VOICE: So ask me anything
and I'll make it sound extremely sensual.
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What did you have for breakfast
this morning?
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DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE:
I skipped breakfast
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because I had a baaaad stomach.
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Richard? Yes. Jon wants to do
children's films like you do.
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You're in everything. Thank you.
And Jon always goes,
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"Oh, it's him again." Yeah. I can't
take my daughter to the cinema
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cos it's just people I know.
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And she says, "Daddy, why
don't you do one of those films?"
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And I say to her,
"I don't fucking know!"
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LAUGHTER
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I take it really well.
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That was brought to you
by professional jealousy.
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Lucy, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, I have. So, basically,
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let me explain that I know
we're on a team together, with Jon,
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but, as you know,
he's good at everything.
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We'll let that go, shall we?
Let's just let it go.
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I would like to be better than him
on this. I would like to do better.
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I would like to get more points.
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And the only way I'm going to do
that is if I distract him.
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And there's only one thing I think
that will distract him.
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And it's in this box.
It's not a pair of tits.
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LAUGHTER
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You know I love severed breasts.
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LAUGHTER
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What you need to know is
Jon is a pretend vegan...
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How do you mean a pretend vegan?
Cos he goes on about being vegan.
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We both are vegan. But I like
blue cheese and fish
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and Jon likes nice sausages
and steak.
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I am vegan. Except in situations...
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Here we go. ..where my wife
orders food and then leaves it.
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I have the steak cos of the iron.
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And Jon orders butternut squash
and he looks like a bit upset.
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And then so what I do is,
when I get to the last bit, I go,
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"Oh, I can't eat that bit."
I'm just pretending.
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And then what we have to do
is we swap the plates around,
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and I'm not allowed to look at him,
and it's all in silence.
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LAUGHTER
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And he eats this bit of steak
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and then the look on his face
after he's eaten it is like...
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You know, those Facebook videos
that go viral of the deaf baby
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when it gets a hearing aid?
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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What's going to distract him, then?
What's...? What's...?
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Oh, God. It's a massive steak.
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Yeah, it's a dead cow.
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What part of a cow would that be,
then, do you think? Perineum.
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The what? Perineum.
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LAUGHTER
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00:10:04,982 --> 00:10:09,368
just my guess.
For me, it's my favourite cut.
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Where would you like me to cut?
Here? Yeah.
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Oh! It's cake! It's cake.
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Amazing. That's superb, isn't it?
I mean, that's...remarkable.
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APPLAUSE
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Is that like a beef dripping cake?
Steak cake.
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It's just got rabbit in the filling.
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LAUGHTER
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jon, have you got a mascot? I have
got a mascot. Thank you for asking.
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I tell you what I don't like,
I don't like reality
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00:10:38,623 --> 00:10:40,928
and I don't like seeing other people
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who aren't suffering
for my amusement. Oh! OK.
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He's just like all men
in Wetherspoons.
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I meant to say that in my head.
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LAUGHTER
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00:10:52,703 --> 00:10:54,198
I've lost a lot of time this week.
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00:10:54,223 --> 00:10:57,118
I don't know if you've ever Googled
the words "VR fails".
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00:10:57,143 --> 00:11:02,007
If you want to see a pensioner run
headfirst into their own telly...
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00:11:02,032 --> 00:11:04,957
Yes, please.
And let's be honest, who doesn't?
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00:11:04,982 --> 00:11:08,288
You need to get a slice of the
VR headset market. OK.
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00:11:08,313 --> 00:11:13,238
Well, welcome to the Jon Richardson
Virtual Reality Simulator.
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00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:16,887
Right. You get the gloves
so you can feel what it's like,
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00:11:16,912 --> 00:11:20,648
the clammy touch
of a genuine Jon Richardson.
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00:11:20,673 --> 00:11:25,198
I love how tiny the gloves are. They
are tiny. And this is the headset.
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00:11:25,223 --> 00:11:27,608
So I'm going to go into
the performance area there,
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00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:30,928
if you don't mind, Jimmy. Sure. When
I put this on and I activate it,
201
00:11:30,953 --> 00:11:34,198
it will take me into a world
that I have created,
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00:11:34,223 --> 00:11:38,558
that is how I think the world
should be, to be honest. So...
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Hang on, he's off.
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R's so grew!
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00:11:42,553 --> 00:11:44,198
It's incredible!
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00:11:44,223 --> 00:11:45,528
HE GASPS
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00:11:45,553 --> 00:11:46,887
I've got full hair!
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00:11:46,912 --> 00:11:48,328
LAUGHTER
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00:11:48,353 --> 00:11:50,368
I've got long hair.
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00:11:50,393 --> 00:11:53,007
Hello, there. Do you need some help?
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00:11:54,193 --> 00:11:55,168
Yeah?
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00:11:56,423 --> 00:11:59,608
LAUGHTER
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00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:01,198
What's happening here, jon?
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00:12:01,223 --> 00:12:04,808
Just trying to move the dining table
so we can hoover under it.
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00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:07,918
Oh, someone's left some chips
on a little coffee table.
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00:12:07,943 --> 00:12:10,198
See if I can... Can you see this,
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00:12:10,223 --> 00:12:12,648
where, if I pick up an actual chip,
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00:12:12,673 --> 00:12:14,887
put some more salt and vinegar on...
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00:12:16,713 --> 00:12:20,558
You know, it's not even real, is it?
I could just cover myself in salt.
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00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:23,368
LAUGHTER
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00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:27,757
It's just so real.
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00:12:27,782 --> 00:12:30,328
APPLAUSE
I like it.
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00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:38,048
Joe, have you got a mascot?
I've actually brought along
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00:12:38,073 --> 00:12:42,608
a packet of
haemorrhoid suppositories
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00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:47,448
because I love the design of the
package and the beautiful font.
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00:12:49,992 --> 00:12:53,298
LAUGHTER
227
00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:56,837
Sorry...what? I've had haemorrhoids
for several years now,
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00:12:56,862 --> 00:13:00,658
so I've got to the point where I can
pop one of those in
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00:13:00,683 --> 00:13:04,558
and people can't really tell
when I've done it.
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00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:08,328
I'll let you into a little secret,
jimmy. It's all about misdirection.
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LOUD BANG, SHRIEKING
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00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:11,608
Oh, my God.
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00:13:11,633 --> 00:13:14,808
LAUGHTER
234
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,278
Did you just...?
235
00:13:16,303 --> 00:13:18,558
APPLAUSE
236
00:13:18,583 --> 00:13:21,298
While that was...
237
00:13:21,323 --> 00:13:23,328
Yeah.
238
00:13:23,353 --> 00:13:27,688
The itching is immediately gone.
239
00:13:27,713 --> 00:13:31,738
OK, over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Finlay Christie. Hey.
240
00:13:31,763 --> 00:13:35,248
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
241
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:38,887
Finlay's here so, showbiz scoop,
it looks like Clare Balding
242
00:13:38,912 --> 00:13:41,608
and Ellen DeGeneres
did have that baby.
243
00:13:41,633 --> 00:13:43,458
LAUGHTER
244
00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:46,658
It's your first time on the show.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
245
00:13:46,683 --> 00:13:51,538
I'm 22, which means I'm Gen Z and
it's great being Gen Z, you know,
246
00:13:51,563 --> 00:13:55,408
like, with a generation that grew
up with smart phones, you know,
247
00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:58,248
I love my phone, you know,
but people say me all the time,
248
00:13:58,273 --> 00:14:01,658
like, "Oh, get rid of your phone,
you'll be so much happier."
249
00:14:01,683 --> 00:14:06,378
Whenever I hear that, I just think,
like, "Do I want to be happy or...
250
00:14:06,403 --> 00:14:09,608
"..do I just want my phone?"
Do you really think that?
251
00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:12,738
Yeah. Like, I feel like phones
are better than happiness.
252
00:14:12,763 --> 00:14:15,608
Really, because, like,
if you're on a night out
253
00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:19,658
and someone loses their phone,
it's deep, right?
254
00:14:19,683 --> 00:14:22,378
Is it in your bag? Is it on the
train? We'll call the train.
255
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:23,847
Is it in a pub? We'll call the pub.
256
00:14:23,872 --> 00:14:26,568
That's what happens if you lose
your phone. But, like, if you're on
257
00:14:26,593 --> 00:14:29,897
a night out and someone told you
they weren't happy, you'd be like,
258
00:14:29,922 --> 00:14:32,208
"OK.
259
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:35,818
"Yeah, none of us are happy.
That's why we're out."
260
00:14:35,843 --> 00:14:38,897
With Finlay, of course,
it's Susie Dent.
261
00:14:38,922 --> 00:14:44,017
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
262
00:14:44,042 --> 00:14:46,538
Susie recently developed
a gaming app called Two Words.
263
00:14:46,563 --> 00:14:51,928
The game has a two player mode,
which seems optimistic.
264
00:14:51,953 --> 00:14:55,738
Here's the big question, Susie,
are you working on a new book?
265
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:58,618
Yes. For fuck's sake.
266
00:14:58,643 --> 00:15:00,208
LAUGHTER
267
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,097
It's a dictionary of emotions.
268
00:15:02,122 --> 00:15:04,458
Gives you lots of words
for the way that you're feeling.
269
00:15:04,483 --> 00:15:07,977
So there's a brilliant word,
age otori, from Japanese, which is —
270
00:15:08,002 --> 00:15:10,468
you'll know this one —
this is the desolation you feel
271
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,108
after a bad haircut.
272
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:14,438
LAUGHTER
273
00:15:14,463 --> 00:15:15,908
We've all had a bad haircut.
274
00:15:15,933 --> 00:15:19,678
We don't all fly across the world to
have it sewn back in.
275
00:15:19,703 --> 00:15:22,997
LAUGHTER
276
00:15:25,102 --> 00:15:29,007
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley! Hey, Rachel.
277
00:15:29,032 --> 00:15:32,877
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, then. Come on, then.
278
00:15:32,902 --> 00:15:36,268
Rachel's come straight from
her other job as a dental nurse.
279
00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:38,598
LAUGHTER
280
00:15:38,623 --> 00:15:42,038
Shall we go with your teeth?
Shall we move on from here to teeth?
281
00:15:42,063 --> 00:15:44,877
My teeth? They're fucking fantastic.
282
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:49,238
I mean, they're not mine.
Technically, they belong to HMRC.
283
00:15:49,263 --> 00:15:52,268
LAUGHTER
284
00:15:52,293 --> 00:15:54,728
Rachel, does being good with
numbers run your family?
285
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:57,798
Well, my brother is really good
at maths. He got 100% in his GCSE
286
00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:02,478
without doing any work...
Is that a lot? That's not bad.
287
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,398
I think he's passed it on
to his son, who's five years old.
288
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,238
It was a relative's birthday
and she said,
289
00:16:07,263 --> 00:16:11,627
"Uncle Harry is turning 95. What
will he be in five years' time?"
290
00:16:11,652 --> 00:16:14,908
And quick as a flash,
he said, "Dead."
291
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,598
If you're watching and you're 95...
292
00:16:17,623 --> 00:16:19,448
LAUGHTER
293
00:16:19,473 --> 00:16:22,318
OK, and the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this,
294
00:16:22,343 --> 00:16:24,908
the Countdown Dressing Up Box.
295
00:16:24,933 --> 00:16:29,988
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
296
00:16:30,013 --> 00:16:32,728
Look at that.
297
00:16:32,753 --> 00:16:35,518
That's joe Wilkinson —
but you would.
298
00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:37,348
LAUGHTER
299
00:16:37,373 --> 00:16:40,678
And that is what Lucy sees
when she looks at jon Richardson.
300
00:16:40,703 --> 00:16:42,728
LAUGHTER
301
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:45,988
Boys, could you go and stand behind?
I just want to see...
302
00:16:46,013 --> 00:16:48,368
Let's beat the shit
out of each other.
303
00:16:48,393 --> 00:16:50,678
It looks like we've done
a makeover show.
304
00:16:50,703 --> 00:16:52,957
LAUGHTER
305
00:16:55,862 --> 00:16:58,118
Lucy? Lucy? Yeah...
306
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:01,448
If I had to... Yeah, I would, yeah.
307
00:17:01,473 --> 00:17:04,988
Joe, what do you think of yours?
Lovely.
308
00:17:05,013 --> 00:17:07,957
LAUGHTER
309
00:17:07,982 --> 00:17:10,278
Er...take that.
310
00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:13,957
Is that your room key? Yeah.
311
00:17:13,982 --> 00:17:16,248
LAUGHTER
312
00:17:16,273 --> 00:17:17,808
Can we wrap this up?
313
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:20,118
LAUGHTER
314
00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:24,448
The Countdown Dressing Up Box,
everyone. Thanks, gents.
315
00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:31,398
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
It's time for our first game.
316
00:17:31,423 --> 00:17:34,728
Jon, Lucy, your turn to choose the
letters. Consonant, please, Rachel.
317
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,087
Thank you, Jon.
318
00:17:36,112 --> 00:17:38,887
T
Vowel, please.
319
00:17:38,912 --> 00:17:41,248
I
Consonant, please, Rachel.
320
00:17:41,273 --> 00:17:43,728
L
Consonant, please.
321
00:17:43,753 --> 00:17:45,478
S
Vowel, please. Brilliant.
322
00:17:45,503 --> 00:17:46,837
A
Consonant, please.
323
00:17:46,862 --> 00:17:50,168
N
Another...consonant.
324
00:17:50,193 --> 00:17:52,087
C
Another vowel, please.
325
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:54,967
U
Vowel, please. A final...
326
00:17:54,992 --> 00:17:56,168
O
327
00:17:56,193 --> 00:17:59,087
You know what, as you're doing this,
I'm going to do 30 seconds cardio.
328
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,918
Ah... Doo-doo-doo.
329
00:18:01,943 --> 00:18:05,198
Right, your time starts...now.
330
00:18:05,223 --> 00:18:08,168
MUSIC: Uptown Funk
by Mark Ronson
331
00:18:37,273 --> 00:18:42,528
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
332
00:18:45,383 --> 00:18:47,967
he'? §oe, mate, You know those
haemorrhoid suppositories?
333
00:18:47,992 --> 00:18:49,967
Could I borrow one?
334
00:18:49,992 --> 00:18:53,767
Gave me a hell of a lot
of eye contact.
335
00:18:53,792 --> 00:18:55,637
Jon, How many? Eight.
336
00:18:55,662 --> 00:18:58,528
Lucy, How many? Five. Five.
337
00:18:58,553 --> 00:19:01,528
Richard, How many? I'm going to say
five and play it safe.
338
00:19:01,553 --> 00:19:04,717
Joe, how many? Er... F... Six.
339
00:19:04,742 --> 00:19:07,847
I might get down now before I die.
340
00:19:07,872 --> 00:19:09,637
Oh, lovely dismount.
341
00:19:09,662 --> 00:19:11,558
APPLAUSE
342
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:15,918
Do you know what?
It's nice to get some air on it.
343
00:19:15,943 --> 00:19:18,688
Richard, your five. TOILS.
344
00:19:18,713 --> 00:19:21,358
Lucy, your five.
I got TOILS as well.
345
00:19:21,383 --> 00:19:24,688
Joe, your six. SCOUNT.
346
00:19:24,713 --> 00:19:26,688
SCOUNT. Could you use
that in a sentence?
347
00:19:26,713 --> 00:19:30,408
"My God, I've got a six,
it's SCOUNT."
348
00:19:30,433 --> 00:19:33,358
What does SCOUNT mean, joe? I'm
going to need a definition from you.
349
00:19:33,383 --> 00:19:37,717
SCOUNT. It's 20% off discount.
Yeah, exactly.
350
00:19:37,742 --> 00:19:39,608
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
351
00:19:39,633 --> 00:19:42,528
Oh, that is good.
352
00:19:42,553 --> 00:19:45,328
It looks like it should be a word.
Susie Dent, is that a word? No.
353
00:19:45,353 --> 00:19:49,048
Should I point out
it's 25% and ruin Jon's clay? Yes.
354
00:19:49,073 --> 00:19:55,097
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
355
00:19:55,122 --> 00:19:57,967
I'd have to be a real piece of work
to have been divorced live on air
356
00:19:57,992 --> 00:20:01,967
and have that be the thing
that ruined my life.
357
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,767
OK, jon, your eight. CAUTIONS.
358
00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:07,048
Excellent. CAUTIONS.
359
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,458
Eight points to jon.
360
00:20:08,483 --> 00:20:11,128
APPLAUSE
361
00:20:11,153 --> 00:20:13,967
Susie, Finlay, could they have done
any better? It's pretty good.
362
00:20:13,992 --> 00:20:16,688
CAUTIONS was the best. I mean,
there were a couple of other eights.
363
00:20:16,713 --> 00:20:19,078
There's LUNATICS and AUCTIONS.
364
00:20:19,103 --> 00:20:21,847
So at the end of that, jon and Lucy
are in the lead with eight points.
365
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:23,818
RICHARD: Son of a gun.
366
00:20:23,843 --> 00:20:26,928
APPLAUSE
367
00:20:26,953 --> 00:20:29,288
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Richard, he,
368
00:20:29,313 --> 00:20:32,408
your turn to pick the numbers.
We'll go basic.
369
00:20:32,433 --> 00:20:35,977
Classic. Classic. El Clasico.
370
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,767
Ole! The four little ones...
371
00:20:38,792 --> 00:20:42,258
I'm saying this is getting too
self—referential. And I've written
372
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:45,818
a book from the point of view
of the book about a book.
373
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,208
So your target is
374
00:20:53,233 --> 00:20:55,897
717 and your time starts now.
375
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,928
Wow, that seems too high.
That's too high.
376
00:21:15,203 --> 00:21:17,847
There's just not enough time
to do it.
377
00:21:17,872 --> 00:21:19,488
LAUGHTER
378
00:21:26,513 --> 00:21:29,258
OK. So the target was 717.
379
00:21:29,283 --> 00:21:31,538
Richard, did you get it? 25.
380
00:21:31,563 --> 00:21:32,897
LAUGHTER
381
00:21:32,922 --> 00:21:36,008
OK. jon, did you get it? Only just
382
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,538
and I haven't written it down.
383
00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:39,418
Ditto. Ditto.
384
00:21:39,443 --> 00:21:41,208
LAUGHTER
385
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:42,727
OK, Lucy, did you get it?
386
00:21:42,752 --> 00:21:45,338
I'm still... Still looking.
387
00:21:45,363 --> 00:21:46,977
We“, why don": we go to he first'?
388
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:56,008
OK, s0...take the 50... Uh-huh.
..and write it up there. Yup.
389
00:21:56,033 --> 00:21:58,058
LAUGHTER
390
00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:00,818
Step one. Times it by 2.
391
00:22:00,843 --> 00:22:03,727
No, wait, wait!
392
00:22:03,752 --> 00:22:08,338
Add the 5. Right, 55.
That's 55. We're getting warmer.
393
00:22:08,363 --> 00:22:11,288
Times that by 2
394
00:22:11,313 --> 00:22:14,368
and times it by the 7. 770.
395
00:22:14,393 --> 00:22:17,058
Times the...
396
00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:19,928
Times the 5 and the 6.
You've already used the 5.
397
00:22:19,953 --> 00:22:23,258
You know what? She's right.
398
00:22:23,283 --> 00:22:26,058
She is good, though. She is good.
She's right. Fair play to you,
399
00:22:26,083 --> 00:22:30,418
Rachel you done me.
OK, yon, how did you do it'?
400
00:22:30,443 --> 00:22:33,538
50 multiplied by 7. 350.
401
00:22:33,563 --> 00:22:36,857
Then add the 6. Yeah, 356.
402
00:22:36,882 --> 00:22:39,698
Then times by 2. ls 712.
403
00:22:39,723 --> 00:22:43,338
And then add the 5. Well done.
404
00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:47,727
Ten points to jon. And here
is your teaser. The words are
405
00:22:47,752 --> 00:22:50,448
GNAWNIPS and the clue is,
the wider the better.
406
00:22:50,473 --> 00:22:53,418
That's GNAWNIPS, the wider
the better. See you after the break.
407
00:22:53,443 --> 00:22:55,657
APPLAUSE
408
00:23:07,812 --> 00:23:10,588
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
409
00:23:10,613 --> 00:23:12,948
The answer to the teaser —
the words were GNAWNIPS,
410
00:23:12,973 --> 00:23:16,468
the clue was the wider, the better.
It was, of course, WINGSPAN.
411
00:23:16,493 --> 00:23:20,188
OK, on to another letters game.
joe, your turn to choose.
412
00:23:20,213 --> 00:23:22,747
May I have a consent, please?
Course you can, Joe. Thank you.
413
00:23:22,772 --> 00:23:24,188
...
414
00:23:24,213 --> 00:23:26,547
May I have another consonant,
please?
415
00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:29,078
M
May I have a vowel?
416
00:23:29,103 --> 00:23:32,028
A
May I have another vowel? You may.
417
00:23:32,053 --> 00:23:34,908
E
May I have a consonant, please?
418
00:23:34,933 --> 00:23:37,308
H
May I have a vowel?
419
00:23:37,333 --> 00:23:40,268
O
May I have another vowel?
420
00:23:40,293 --> 00:23:42,797
I
May I have a consonant?
421
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:46,718
F
May I have another consonant?
422
00:23:46,743 --> 00:23:49,268
You may have a final
G
423
00:23:49,293 --> 00:23:51,518
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
424
00:24:22,652 --> 00:24:25,238
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
425
00:24:27,822 --> 00:24:30,627
So I've done everyone.
It's quite good, isn't it?
426
00:24:30,652 --> 00:24:33,468
Holy shit, that's the letters
from this round. I've done Rachel,
427
00:24:33,493 --> 00:24:37,388
I've done Susie, I've done Finlay,
I've done joe there. You can't see
428
00:24:37,413 --> 00:24:41,797
this, obviously, but the detail's
incredible. The joe one smells.
429
00:24:41,822 --> 00:24:43,797
Got Richard there.
And then we've got...
430
00:24:43,822 --> 00:24:46,238
We've got Lucy.
And I've done one of...
431
00:24:46,263 --> 00:24:48,677
I've done a life-size one of jon.
432
00:24:48,702 --> 00:24:50,358
LAUGHTER
433
00:24:50,383 --> 00:24:54,747
Oh. Peeping over the desk.
It's cute, isn't it?
434
00:24:54,772 --> 00:24:58,188
That was the moment of realisation
that if I looked like the Lego me
435
00:24:58,213 --> 00:25:00,078
and they made a film about it,
436
00:25:00,103 --> 00:25:03,547
you would still get to do the voice
instead of me.
437
00:25:03,572 --> 00:25:06,268
"It's another eight—letter word."
438
00:25:06,293 --> 00:25:07,747
LAUGHTER
439
00:25:07,772 --> 00:25:10,468
I'll just turn that so you can see.
Can you see jon?
440
00:25:10,493 --> 00:25:12,797
LAUGHTER
441
00:25:12,822 --> 00:25:15,797
You do sometimes feel like
a small man, don't you?
442
00:25:15,822 --> 00:25:19,598
The annoying thing is...
No, hold. Let's just...
443
00:25:19,623 --> 00:25:21,908
When does he feel like a small man?
444
00:25:21,933 --> 00:25:26,547
He feels very insecure around,
you know, gardeners, electricians,
445
00:25:26,572 --> 00:25:30,627
plumbers... Anyone
you're sleeping with, yeah.
446
00:25:30,652 --> 00:25:33,468
How many? Oh, she's had five...
How many men?
447
00:25:33,493 --> 00:25:35,518
LAUGHTER
448
00:25:35,543 --> 00:25:39,908
I meant, how many did you get
in this round? Oh, sorry.
449
00:25:39,933 --> 00:25:43,118
Four. Four letters. Four? Yeah. OK.
450
00:25:43,143 --> 00:25:45,797
Jon, how many? Well, a risky seven.
451
00:25:45,822 --> 00:25:48,438
OK. Richard? Eight. Ooh.
452
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,797
That's right.
A confident eight. Nice.
453
00:25:50,822 --> 00:25:55,547
Joe? I've got six.
It's a risky six. GAMIER.
454
00:25:55,572 --> 00:25:57,478
LAUGHTER
455
00:25:57,503 --> 00:26:01,268
Susie, Is that in there?
It is, yeah.
456
00:26:01,293 --> 00:26:05,757
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
457
00:26:05,782 --> 00:26:09,448
Lucy, your four. HOME.
OK, yon, your seven.
458
00:26:09,473 --> 00:26:12,757
Well, I don't think it will be
in cos I think it's a French word,
459
00:26:12,782 --> 00:26:15,518
but FROMAGE. That's a good one.
460
00:26:15,543 --> 00:26:20,038
From age blanc, from age frats
but no plain from age.
461
00:26:20,063 --> 00:26:23,627
From age frats is in there?
What, the little yoghurt? Yeah.
462
00:26:23,652 --> 00:26:24,877
LAUGHTER
463
00:26:24,902 --> 00:26:27,398
Yes. So is Petite Filous.
464
00:26:27,423 --> 00:26:30,598
That's Petite Filous!
I'm thinking of Petite Filous!
465
00:26:30,623 --> 00:26:32,918
LAUGHTER
466
00:26:32,943 --> 00:26:35,838
I love the fact that jon knew that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
467
00:26:35,863 --> 00:26:38,348
They packed lunch together.
468
00:26:38,373 --> 00:26:41,348
For your first points of the
evening. Go on, big dog. Your eight.
469
00:26:41,373 --> 00:26:44,038
This is definitely a word.
Bit of confidence, great.
470
00:26:44,063 --> 00:26:47,118
HAREMFIG.
471
00:26:47,143 --> 00:26:50,448
HAREMFIG. I think I think it would
be hyphenated. Ladies and gentlemen,
472
00:26:50,473 --> 00:26:54,088
I don't get to say this very often,
but six points to joe!
473
00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:59,887
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
474
00:26:59,912 --> 00:27:04,248
OK, Finlay, Susie, could they
have done it better? Doubt it.
475
00:27:04,273 --> 00:27:08,118
We've got FOAMIER. Oh.
476
00:27:08,143 --> 00:27:11,807
"That dog with rabies
is even foamier."
477
00:27:11,832 --> 00:27:14,838
LAUGHTER
478
00:27:14,863 --> 00:27:18,807
I don't think anyone's ever
said that that calmly.
479
00:27:18,832 --> 00:27:22,448
"Audible presents Cujo
by Richard Ayoade."
480
00:27:22,473 --> 00:27:26,038
I'm well ahead of you. Done it.
Hang on.
481
00:27:26,063 --> 00:27:29,637
DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE: The dogs
were wandering out, some were foamy
482
00:27:29,662 --> 00:27:32,968
but others were foamier still.
483
00:27:32,993 --> 00:27:36,358
Chuck Brasterton needed to get
the foamiest, and quick.
484
00:27:36,383 --> 00:27:41,637
Or his...ass would be in a sling.
485
00:27:41,662 --> 00:27:43,168
I mean...
486
00:27:43,193 --> 00:27:48,918
APPLAUSE
487
00:27:48,943 --> 00:27:52,448
OK. They've been playing in teams so far
but this game is just for Lucy and Richard.
488
00:27:52,473 --> 00:27:55,478
Lucy, you've got to pick
the numbers. A big number.
489
00:27:55,503 --> 00:27:56,918
Thank you.
490
00:27:56,943 --> 00:27:58,807
LAUGHTER
491
00:27:58,832 --> 00:28:02,198
You just want one or do you want
another one? However many you want
492
00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:04,968
to...do. Do a couple.
Chuck a couple in there.
493
00:28:04,993 --> 00:28:06,807
Thank you. Just for fun.
494
00:28:06,832 --> 00:28:09,248
Four little ones. El Classico again.
495
00:28:09,273 --> 00:28:11,968
Right, we've got... Yes! Yes!
496
00:28:15,832 --> 00:28:19,557
OK. Got it. And the target...
Oh, 885.
497
00:28:19,582 --> 00:28:20,968
And your time starts now.
498
00:28:23,582 --> 00:28:24,838
Don't bother.
499
00:28:51,193 --> 00:28:53,887
So the target was 885.
Richard, did you get it?
500
00:28:53,912 --> 00:28:57,408
I genuinely thought it was Joe
doing that round.
501
00:28:57,433 --> 00:29:00,528
Then, yes, I did get it.
Yeah, Joe got it.
502
00:29:00,553 --> 00:29:03,408
Richard, did you get it? Yeah,
he got it. It doesn't look like it.
503
00:29:03,433 --> 00:29:06,168
You got it. No, I don't think so.
JON COUGHS CONSPICUOUSLY
504
00:29:06,193 --> 00:29:09,208
So, Lucy, did you get it?
Yeah. Yes, OK, how did you do it?
505
00:29:09,233 --> 00:29:12,608
Erm, picked up this paper... No.
506
00:29:12,633 --> 00:29:16,078
No, I won't have it.
What I did... OK. OK, then.
507
00:29:16,103 --> 00:29:19,458
75 times 10. 750.
508
00:29:19,483 --> 00:29:22,608
And then add 8. 758.
509
00:29:22,633 --> 00:29:24,928
And then add 6.
510
00:29:24,953 --> 00:29:27,248
I feel like adding it's going to be
a huge part of this.
511
00:29:27,273 --> 00:29:30,660
764. Then add 4.
512
00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:33,821
Will that make the difference?
Is that it? I got 888.
513
00:29:33,846 --> 00:29:36,331
Richard's got 888.
Definitely within the 30 seconds.
514
00:29:36,356 --> 00:29:38,660
Go on, how did you do that?
515
00:29:38,685 --> 00:29:41,971
75 times 10.
75 times 10.
516
00:29:41,996 --> 00:29:43,821
750. 750.
517
00:29:43,846 --> 00:29:48,151
Then 25 times 7. Yeah, 150.
518
00:29:48,176 --> 00:29:50,620
Thank you for helping me.
519
00:29:50,645 --> 00:29:52,660
Add those two numbers together.
520
00:29:52,685 --> 00:29:57,021
900. Then the fun starts.
521
00:29:57,046 --> 00:29:59,021
8, take that away.
522
00:29:59,046 --> 00:30:02,790
Yep. It's got less.
Then take a 4 away. Yes.
523
00:30:02,815 --> 00:30:07,740
Well done. Three away. Shut up. 888.
Seven points to Richard. Yeah.
524
00:30:07,765 --> 00:30:10,051
APPLAUSE
525
00:30:10,076 --> 00:30:12,410
OK. Rachel, could it be done?
It could be done.
526
00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:14,790
Should we let Jon do it
or is that...?
527
00:30:14,815 --> 00:30:17,821
How would you have done it then,
jon? 6 times four is 24.
528
00:30:17,846 --> 00:30:21,021
6 times 4 is 24.
Take away 8.
529
00:30:21,046 --> 00:30:23,511
16. Add 75.
530
00:30:23,536 --> 00:30:25,151
He's... Lovely. Yeah.
531
00:30:25,176 --> 00:30:28,021
91. Times by 10. 910.
532
00:30:28,046 --> 00:30:29,951
Take off the 25.
533
00:30:29,976 --> 00:30:34,311
APPLAUSE
534
00:30:34,336 --> 00:30:36,870
OK, so Richard and joe
are on 13 points. Yes.
535
00:30:36,895 --> 00:30:39,540
Jon and Lucy are just ahead with 18.
That's right.
536
00:30:39,565 --> 00:30:42,311
APPLAUSE
537
00:30:42,336 --> 00:30:44,620
OK, time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
538
00:30:44,645 --> 00:30:46,021
Finlay, what have you got for us?
539
00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:49,461
Well, as I was saying before,
I'm a young person, like, at 22,
540
00:30:49,486 --> 00:30:52,821
like, I don't feel like a man yet.
Like, I still feel like a boy.
541
00:30:52,846 --> 00:30:56,231
And it's better to be a boy. I
think, like, men are sort of scary,
542
00:30:56,256 --> 00:30:59,391
you know, men are sort of, like,
"Oh, I'm a man."
543
00:30:59,416 --> 00:31:03,790
Boys are more like, "Oh, boys." You
know. "Oh, you're having a party.
544
00:31:03,815 --> 00:31:06,151
"Oh, there's going to be boys
there." You know, like,
545
00:31:06,176 --> 00:31:09,181
boys are just men who get away
with stuff, really. Like, like,
546
00:31:09,206 --> 00:31:14,151
you know, like, if a man is bad,
he's a bad man.
547
00:31:14,176 --> 00:31:18,031
If a boy is bad,
he's a bad boy, you know?
548
00:31:19,486 --> 00:31:20,670
You know.
549
00:31:22,086 --> 00:31:24,901
Like, man boobs, urgh, annoying.
550
00:31:24,926 --> 00:31:29,311
Man boobs. Boy boobs —
not even a thing. Come on.
551
00:31:29,336 --> 00:31:35,031
Like, like a band of boys,
a boy band. Harmless. Cool.
552
00:31:35,056 --> 00:31:36,620
A band of men.
553
00:31:38,086 --> 00:31:39,391
Pirates.
554
00:31:39,416 --> 00:31:41,901
LAUGHTER
555
00:31:41,926 --> 00:31:44,951
"|t's a boy! Oh, congratulations."
556
00:31:47,516 --> 00:31:49,400
"It's a man.
557
00:31:49,425 --> 00:31:51,161
"Allegations."
558
00:31:51,186 --> 00:31:54,600
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
559
00:31:57,476 --> 00:32:01,451
You know, landlords.
Urgh, landlords.
560
00:32:01,476 --> 00:32:05,091
You know, landlords.
"The landlord's coming." Urgh!
561
00:32:06,516 --> 00:32:08,121
Landlord.
562
00:32:11,116 --> 00:32:12,600
Landlord.
563
00:32:15,036 --> 00:32:16,451
Rentboy.
564
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:19,121
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
565
00:32:22,196 --> 00:32:23,931
Finlay Christie, everyone.
566
00:32:23,956 --> 00:32:27,811
And here is your teaser.
The words are FEEDITIN,
567
00:32:27,836 --> 00:32:30,931
the clue is, this will work.
That's FEEDITIN, this will work.
568
00:32:30,956 --> 00:32:33,291
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
569
00:32:48,066 --> 00:32:50,390
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
570
00:32:50,415 --> 00:32:53,291
The answer to the teaser — the words
were FEEDITIN, the clue was
571
00:32:53,316 --> 00:32:55,601
this will work.
It was, of course, DEFINITE.
572
00:32:55,626 --> 00:32:57,601
OK, on with another letters game.
573
00:32:57,626 --> 00:33:00,961
Jon, joe, you're going head-to-head
in this round and we're going to
574
00:33:00,986 --> 00:33:02,471
make things more interesting.
575
00:33:02,496 --> 00:33:06,211
We're going to play for double
points in the Lightning Round.
576
00:33:06,236 --> 00:33:09,211
LIGHTNING CRASHES
577
00:33:09,236 --> 00:33:12,081
I don't want to play
in the Lightning Round.
578
00:33:12,106 --> 00:33:16,570
You've EACH been fitted
with an electric shock. Oh, no.
579
00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:19,111
So at any stage in this, you might
receive an electric shock.
580
00:33:19,136 --> 00:33:22,011
I'll test them now.
So Jon's first. Argh!
581
00:33:22,036 --> 00:33:24,471
LAUGHTER
582
00:33:24,496 --> 00:33:30,471
That's clearly... I apologise,
I got the mixed up.
583
00:33:30,496 --> 00:33:34,161
No, I'm just saying, that was...
Oh... So, jon...
584
00:33:34,186 --> 00:33:36,520
Hold on. What, sorry?
585
00:33:36,545 --> 00:33:38,400
LAUGHTER
586
00:33:38,425 --> 00:33:42,121
What, Joe'? It's so funny
when it's not you.
587
00:33:42,146 --> 00:33:45,761
Joe, what was...? What were you...?
No, if you're going to...
588
00:33:45,786 --> 00:33:50,121
What is it, a complaint?
Are you OK? Yeah, fine.
589
00:33:50,146 --> 00:33:52,841
Are you sure? Ah!
590
00:33:52,866 --> 00:33:55,481
Well, this could be
the rest of the show.
591
00:33:55,506 --> 00:33:58,320
I need to fart. I have farted!
592
00:33:58,345 --> 00:34:00,881
Argh!
LAUGHTER
593
00:34:00,906 --> 00:34:03,731
These are tremendous. Argh!
594
00:34:03,756 --> 00:34:06,041
He is crying from his nose now.
595
00:34:06,066 --> 00:34:08,450
LAUGHTER
596
00:34:08,475 --> 00:34:11,851
Some people for this, though, Joe.
Do they? Yeah.
597
00:34:11,876 --> 00:34:13,931
Sort you haemorrhoids out.
598
00:34:13,956 --> 00:34:16,291
Now, you've played
the Lightning Round before.
599
00:34:16,316 --> 00:34:18,681
This is for double points. There's
going to be a few distractions
600
00:34:18,706 --> 00:34:21,041
and just randomly you might get
shocked a couple of times.
601
00:34:21,066 --> 00:34:22,570
But this is all about focus, right?
602
00:34:22,595 --> 00:34:25,241
Trying to focus while this
is going on. You piece of work.
603
00:34:25,266 --> 00:34:27,841
You're all right at this.
You were good at it last time.
604
00:34:27,866 --> 00:34:29,761
You got, like, a seven—letter word.
605
00:34:29,786 --> 00:34:32,530
JOE LAUGHS
606
00:34:32,555 --> 00:34:35,570
You're going to get me
when I'm talking.
607
00:34:35,595 --> 00:34:36,961
HE SCREAMS
608
00:34:36,986 --> 00:34:39,041
LAUGHTER
609
00:34:39,066 --> 00:34:42,241
You know this was an experiment
they did. What was it, like,
610
00:34:42,266 --> 00:34:44,601
security guards and inmates
and then they swapped.
611
00:34:44,626 --> 00:34:48,011
RICHARD: Stanford Prison. We'll be
swapping for the next round.
612
00:34:48,036 --> 00:34:51,570
We're going to pin you down. We
could pin him down and stick this...
613
00:34:51,595 --> 00:34:55,171
I... I'm not going to.
614
00:34:55,196 --> 00:34:58,731
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
615
00:34:58,756 --> 00:35:01,121
OK. jon, pick the letters.
616
00:35:01,146 --> 00:35:02,891
NERVOUSLY: Consonant, please,
Rachel
617
00:35:02,916 --> 00:35:04,320
LAUGHTER
618
00:35:04,345 --> 00:35:06,211
W
Another one.
619
00:35:07,706 --> 00:35:11,041
Vowel.
620
00:35:11,066 --> 00:35:12,530
E
621
00:35:12,555 --> 00:35:15,121
Two consonants, please.
622
00:35:15,146 --> 00:35:19,530
I'm afraid you have to do them
one by one. I'll have that P, then.
623
00:35:19,555 --> 00:35:21,121
And then...
624
00:35:21,146 --> 00:35:23,450
just get on with it, jimmy,
cos it's killing me.
625
00:35:23,475 --> 00:35:25,011
The tension is killing me.
626
00:35:25,036 --> 00:35:26,400
ARGH!
627
00:35:26,425 --> 00:35:29,171
LAUGHTER
628
00:35:29,196 --> 00:35:30,580
Arghg
629
00:35:33,396 --> 00:35:34,811
0h!
630
00:35:36,066 --> 00:35:39,691
You've just created a safe space
for sadism. That's what you've done.
631
00:35:39,716 --> 00:35:42,841
Lucy, what noise does jon make
when he comes?
632
00:35:42,866 --> 00:35:44,091
Arghg
633
00:35:44,116 --> 00:35:47,561
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
634
00:35:50,225 --> 00:35:52,481
He just says, "I'm sorry."
635
00:35:52,506 --> 00:35:54,400
LAUGHTER
636
00:35:54,425 --> 00:35:56,301
Consonant, please.
637
00:35:56,326 --> 00:35:59,580
L
Consonant, please.
638
00:35:59,605 --> 00:36:02,731
S
A vowel, please.
639
00:36:02,756 --> 00:36:06,121
U
And a consonant, please.
640
00:36:06,146 --> 00:36:09,171
And the last one. Good luck.
B
641
00:36:09,196 --> 00:36:11,731
So for double points,
it's the Countdown Lightning Round.
642
00:36:11,756 --> 00:36:14,251
Your time starts... Oh, shit. ..now.
643
00:36:14,276 --> 00:36:15,971
Argh!
LAUGHTER
644
00:36:20,326 --> 00:36:21,731
SHRIEKING
645
00:36:21,756 --> 00:36:22,971
HE SHOUTS
646
00:36:29,866 --> 00:36:31,131
SHRIEKING
647
00:36:33,555 --> 00:36:35,841
Argh!
LAUGHTER
648
00:36:35,866 --> 00:36:38,891
Argh! I can't even hold a pen!
649
00:36:47,276 --> 00:36:48,491
Arghg
650
00:36:48,516 --> 00:36:51,741
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
651
00:36:53,485 --> 00:36:56,971
Lucy...do you want that?
652
00:36:56,996 --> 00:37:00,330
Do you want it now? Have a go.
653
00:37:00,355 --> 00:37:04,330
Oh... RICHARD: It's like
some kind of weird key party.
654
00:37:04,355 --> 00:37:07,210
Oh!
LAUGHTER
655
00:37:07,235 --> 00:37:10,891
Oh! I'll give him some cake.
656
00:37:12,555 --> 00:37:14,821
Jon, how many did you get?
657
00:37:14,846 --> 00:37:17,131
I'll try a seven.
658
00:37:17,156 --> 00:37:19,611
Oh!
LAUGHTER
659
00:37:19,636 --> 00:37:22,460
Oh, come on, he's eating cake.
You can't resist that, can you?
660
00:37:22,485 --> 00:37:25,891
I can't do it again because
what if I get addicted to it?
661
00:37:25,916 --> 00:37:27,330
Can you throw it to me, then?
662
00:37:27,355 --> 00:37:30,330
OK, joe. How many? Five. Oh!
663
00:37:30,355 --> 00:37:32,611
LAUGHTER
664
00:37:32,636 --> 00:37:35,891
You can't get me while he's talking.
665
00:37:35,916 --> 00:37:40,741
I'm so hot. You can't electrocute
someone in a cardigan.
666
00:37:40,766 --> 00:37:43,931
That's a human rights issue.
667
00:37:43,956 --> 00:37:45,851
OK, joe, what was your five? BUSES.
668
00:37:45,876 --> 00:37:48,821
Your seven? PU BLESS.
669
00:37:48,846 --> 00:37:52,410
Susie, is PUBLESS in there? No.
670
00:37:52,435 --> 00:37:55,660
Be annoying if all that
was for nothing.
671
00:37:55,685 --> 00:38:00,021
OK, so that's double points
so ten points to joe.
672
00:38:00,046 --> 00:38:01,261
0h!
673
00:38:01,286 --> 00:38:05,771
APPLAUSE
674
00:38:05,796 --> 00:38:08,571
You're not going to do the fucking
numbers round where you've got
675
00:38:08,596 --> 00:38:11,621
a harpoon and we have to do it
running around the studio?
676
00:38:11,646 --> 00:38:14,210
Finlay, Susie, could they
have done any better? Not really.
677
00:38:14,235 --> 00:38:17,210
We just had sixes, didn't we? Yeah.
So at the end of that round,
678
00:38:17,235 --> 00:38:20,491
Richard and joe are in the lead
with 23 points.
679
00:38:20,516 --> 00:38:25,098
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
680
00:38:25,123 --> 00:38:27,954
OK, time to go across now to
Dictionary Corner one last time.
681
00:38:27,979 --> 00:38:29,464
Finlay, what have you got for us?
682
00:38:29,489 --> 00:38:32,544
Well, I was I was a student
when the pandemic happened, right,
683
00:38:32,569 --> 00:38:35,513
and so I had to do, like,
online uni,
684
00:38:35,538 --> 00:38:39,383
all my lectures and stuff
were put online and it sucked, man.
685
00:38:39,408 --> 00:38:41,994
Like, you know, you're supposed
to have fun at uni.
686
00:38:42,019 --> 00:38:45,794
You know, you're supposed to...
Supposed to get laid at uni.
687
00:38:45,819 --> 00:38:49,824
Do you know how hard it is
to get laid at online uni?
688
00:38:49,849 --> 00:38:52,154
LAUGHTER
689
00:38:52,179 --> 00:38:55,393
Like, I felt like the gay best
friend, like, like, I'm not
690
00:38:55,418 --> 00:38:59,994
getting laid, but I've seen
all the girls' bedrooms, you know?
691
00:39:00,019 --> 00:39:02,594
You've got to be good
at sliding into the DMs.
692
00:39:02,619 --> 00:39:07,004
Actually, I plan my messages
beforehand in the Notes app, right?
693
00:39:07,029 --> 00:39:09,433
But over think it. Like, over
lockdown this girl messaged me.
694
00:39:09,458 --> 00:39:12,034
She said, "What have you
been up to today?" Right?
695
00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:15,354
I was straight in the Notes app.
Right? Crafting my masterpiece.
696
00:39:15,379 --> 00:39:19,824
How do I say "I've done nothing"
but in a cool way? Right?
697
00:39:19,849 --> 00:39:22,544
So I put, "Had a chill one today."
698
00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:26,954
Then I thought, "Had a chill one
today is cool, but it's not sexy."
699
00:39:26,979 --> 00:39:30,824
Right? So I put, "Had a chill one
today, went to the gym."
700
00:39:30,849 --> 00:39:34,074
And then I remembered
the gyms were closed.
701
00:39:34,099 --> 00:39:38,433
So I put, "Had a chill one today.
Upset that I didn't go to the gym."
702
00:39:38,458 --> 00:39:40,513
And then I thought, "Upset"?
703
00:39:40,538 --> 00:39:43,004
You can't tell a girl in the early
stages that you're upset,
704
00:39:43,029 --> 00:39:45,313
it's too vulnerable, right? Upset.
705
00:39:45,338 --> 00:39:47,674
So I've got to change it
to something more manly.
706
00:39:47,699 --> 00:39:49,594
So I changed it,
"Had a chill one today,
707
00:39:49,619 --> 00:39:52,874
"VEXED I didn't go to the gym."
708
00:39:52,899 --> 00:39:55,513
It's more manly, you know,
vexed is a more manly emotion.
709
00:39:55,538 --> 00:40:00,674
It's one of the two manly
emotions — vexed and fine. Right?
710
00:40:00,699 --> 00:40:03,594
But I'm thinking this message is
going to kill the conversation dead.
711
00:40:03,619 --> 00:40:05,904
And that's when I used
my special move.
712
00:40:05,929 --> 00:40:10,554
Three words. "How about you?"
713
00:40:10,579 --> 00:40:15,004
Once you master the "how about you?"
you can start doing it
714
00:40:15,029 --> 00:40:18,594
in response to every question
a girl asks you.
715
00:40:18,619 --> 00:40:23,643
That way, she's coming up with the
questions and she's answering them.
716
00:40:23,668 --> 00:40:25,914
She's talking to herself, guys.
717
00:40:25,939 --> 00:40:28,193
LAUGHTER
718
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:30,193
So I sent the message.
719
00:40:30,218 --> 00:40:31,914
"Had a chill one today.
720
00:40:31,939 --> 00:40:35,393
"Vexed I didn't go to the gym.
How about you?"
721
00:40:35,418 --> 00:40:37,754
She replied.
722
00:40:37,779 --> 00:40:39,034
"Same."
723
00:40:39,059 --> 00:40:41,523
LAUGHTER
724
00:40:41,548 --> 00:40:42,954
Blocked her.
725
00:40:42,979 --> 00:40:46,523
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
726
00:40:46,548 --> 00:40:49,994
Finlay Christie, everyone.
727
00:40:50,019 --> 00:40:53,393
And here is your final teaser.
The words are RICOSHAT,
728
00:40:53,418 --> 00:40:57,364
the clue is, it's on fire.
That's RICOSHAT. It's on fire.
729
00:40:57,389 --> 00:41:00,244
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
730
00:41:13,999 --> 00:41:16,814
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
731
00:41:16,839 --> 00:41:19,203
The answer to the teaser —
the words were RICOSHAT,
732
00:41:19,228 --> 00:41:22,814
the clue was it's on fire.
It was, of course, CHARIOTS.
733
00:41:22,839 --> 00:41:24,373
Time for our final letters game.
734
00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:28,054
Richard, joe, your turn to choose.
Consonant, please.
735
00:41:28,079 --> 00:41:30,924
T
And a vowel, please.
736
00:41:30,949 --> 00:41:35,333
O
And another consonant, please.
737
00:41:35,358 --> 00:41:37,644
X
No, thank you.
738
00:41:37,669 --> 00:41:40,284
A vowel, please.
739
00:41:40,309 --> 00:41:42,644
E
A consonant, please.
740
00:41:42,669 --> 00:41:45,774
T
A consonant, please.
741
00:41:45,799 --> 00:41:49,414
B
Consonant, please.
742
00:41:49,439 --> 00:41:52,133
M
A vowel, please.
743
00:41:52,158 --> 00:41:54,494
And one...
744
00:41:54,519 --> 00:41:57,253
One more consonant, please.
These are crap, Joe.
745
00:41:57,278 --> 00:41:58,974
C
746
00:41:58,999 --> 00:42:01,694
OK, well, while we're doing this.
I'm going to pack for my holidays.
747
00:42:01,719 --> 00:42:03,453
30 seconds starts now.
748
00:42:04,949 --> 00:42:06,003
Right.
749
00:42:22,799 --> 00:42:25,003
LAUGHTER
750
00:42:33,389 --> 00:42:38,463
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
751
00:42:41,919 --> 00:42:45,894
Oh, you've got in a pickle. You
know at the airport when they ask,
752
00:42:45,919 --> 00:42:48,253
"Did you pack this yourself?"
753
00:42:48,278 --> 00:42:51,854
That was a lovely visual, Jimmy.
It really was. Richard, How many?
754
00:42:51,879 --> 00:42:55,854
Five. joe, how many? A risky four.
755
00:42:55,879 --> 00:42:57,934
LAUGHTER
756
00:42:57,959 --> 00:43:02,463
jon, how many? I'll try a six.
Lucy? Four. Lucy, your four.
757
00:43:02,488 --> 00:43:05,694
Yeah, but I don't know whether
you're allowed it because it's
758
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:10,133
BTEC so you're probably
not allowed...
759
00:43:10,158 --> 00:43:13,854
Susie, is BTEC in the dictionary?
Not spelled like that.
760
00:43:13,879 --> 00:43:16,184
Oh. How is it spelled?
761
00:43:16,209 --> 00:43:18,494
Well, it's not actually
in the dictionary at all.
762
00:43:18,519 --> 00:43:19,824
LAUGHTER
763
00:43:19,849 --> 00:43:23,854
Wow, so that was Susie Dent there
just trying to be nice.
764
00:43:23,879 --> 00:43:26,724
I don't even know
what it stands for, actually.
765
00:43:26,749 --> 00:43:30,263
Sorry, does anyone know
what BTEC stands for?
766
00:43:30,288 --> 00:43:32,574
They would if this was Eggheads.
767
00:43:32,599 --> 00:43:37,374
Yeah, if this was Eggheads they
would have fucked off hours ago.
768
00:43:37,399 --> 00:43:39,904
I don't think they'd have
electrocuted Judith Keppel
769
00:43:39,929 --> 00:43:43,414
on Eggheads. "I hate sport...
Fucking...!"
770
00:43:43,439 --> 00:43:45,374
LAUGHTER
771
00:43:45,399 --> 00:43:48,013
joe, your four. TEET.
772
00:43:48,038 --> 00:43:53,184
It's Northern for "to eat."
As in, we're going out TEET.
773
00:43:53,209 --> 00:43:58,294
Richard? OCTET. Oh! Very nice.
OCTET. Is that really real?
774
00:43:58,319 --> 00:44:03,013
Have you not made that up?
It's a musical term. Meaning?
775
00:44:03,038 --> 00:44:07,774
Eight lads...some string music...
Going to town on each other.
776
00:44:07,799 --> 00:44:10,374
LAUGHTER
777
00:44:10,399 --> 00:44:13,213
OCTET, that's in the dictionary,
isn't it? Definitely. It's amazing
778
00:44:13,238 --> 00:44:15,574
I have got a word.
I am as stunned as anyone else.
779
00:44:15,599 --> 00:44:20,294
Yeah, but you pulled that
out the sack. It's real? Yes.
780
00:44:20,319 --> 00:44:22,734
I mean, I know this is a dumbed down
version of the show,
781
00:44:22,759 --> 00:44:27,133
but it really feels like we've gone
out of our way this evening.
782
00:44:27,158 --> 00:44:30,064
We can't believe
someone's got a word!
783
00:44:30,089 --> 00:44:32,424
But it's a really good word.
It's an excellent word.
784
00:44:32,449 --> 00:44:36,424
Jon, your six. My six, which I think
is a brand name, is EXOCET.
785
00:44:36,449 --> 00:44:40,213
RICHARD: No way. If you beat OCTET
I'm gonna smash your face in.
786
00:44:40,238 --> 00:44:42,574
EXOCET, which you think
is a brand name?
787
00:44:42,599 --> 00:44:44,494
So you think it's a brand
of missile?
788
00:44:44,519 --> 00:44:47,013
Yeah, an EXOCET missile.
An EXOCET missile. Is it a brand?
789
00:44:47,038 --> 00:44:49,374
It's got a capital letter,
you're right. Capital letter.
790
00:44:49,399 --> 00:44:51,374
Five points to Richard.
791
00:44:51,399 --> 00:44:55,424
APPLAUSE
792
00:44:55,449 --> 00:44:58,654
OCTET. OCTET, bruv.
793
00:44:58,679 --> 00:45:00,984
Finlay, Susie, could they
have done any better?
794
00:45:01,009 --> 00:45:02,343
There's one six, there's BECOME.
795
00:45:02,368 --> 00:45:04,904
Yeah. But it's still not
as good as OCTET. Thank you.
796
00:45:04,929 --> 00:45:07,574
And that's from someone who looks
like all of the members of Hanson
797
00:45:07,599 --> 00:45:09,223
in one. Yeah.
798
00:45:09,248 --> 00:45:11,064
LAUGHTER
799
00:45:11,089 --> 00:45:12,734
OK. So jon and Lucy have 18.
800
00:45:12,759 --> 00:45:15,824
Richard and joe are in the lead
with 28. Right.
801
00:45:15,849 --> 00:45:19,544
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
802
00:45:19,569 --> 00:45:22,584
jon, Lucy, the best
you can hope for is a draw.
803
00:45:22,609 --> 00:45:25,654
Time for today's crucial Countdown
Conundrum. The time starts...
804
00:45:25,679 --> 00:45:29,184
Can you shock him? Yeah,
where the fuck are the shockers?
805
00:45:29,209 --> 00:45:32,223
You've never had a catchphrase but
"where the fuck are the shockers"
806
00:45:32,248 --> 00:45:34,964
I think...
LAUGHTER
807
00:45:34,989 --> 00:45:37,814
Your time starts now.
Please don't get it, Jon.
808
00:45:52,869 --> 00:45:55,243
BUZZER
km. BLUNDERED.
809
00:45:55,268 --> 00:45:57,993
Oh, shut up. Let's have a look.
810
00:45:59,148 --> 00:46:00,714
BLUNDERED is the word.
811
00:46:00,739 --> 00:46:02,964
APPLAUSE
812
00:46:05,309 --> 00:46:07,604
You couldn't just give it to us.
813
00:46:07,629 --> 00:46:10,894
You couldn't just let it go,
could you?
814
00:46:10,919 --> 00:46:14,764
You got a draw... Everyone out there
thinks you're an A—hole.
815
00:46:14,789 --> 00:46:18,644
So no-one is now the proud owner
of this Countdown Dressing Up Box.
816
00:46:18,669 --> 00:46:21,684
Well done, Jon.
Thanks to all our panel lists,
817
00:46:21,709 --> 00:46:26,073
our wonderful studio audience and to all of you
for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight.
818
00:46:26,098 --> 00:46:29,764
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
819
00:46:32,819 --> 00:46:35,814
Subtitles by Red Bee Media