This program me contains strong language and adult humour
Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
Alan Carr,
Jonathan Ross,
Harriet Kemsley,
Maisie Adam,
Huge Davies,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley,
and your host, jimmy Carr!
Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's guest team captain, Jonathan Ross.
Hello, everyone.
APPLAUSE
Jonathan has a very unique look.
I like to describe it as the bloated corpse of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
I'll be honest with you, I think that's quite fair.
You look amazing this evening, I've got to say.
Why are you saying that now. you prick?
A minute ago...
A minute ago, you're saying I was looking like a dead
has-been decorator and now you're saying I look amazing.
Can we see the full outfit?
Because the full outfit is everything. It's got this...
No, no, the shoes. The shoes are everything.
Look at that. And then wait till you see my pants?
I got this from my tailor in Indonesia.
Yeah, no, well, he's not really my tailor,
he's a bloke on Etsy, but he's in Indonesia.
Have you ever met this man?
No. What if he didn't like me or if I didn't like him?
He clearly doesn't like you. Look what he makes for you!
He hates you! Look how he dresses you!
And Jonathan's team-mate, Maisie Adam!
Yeah!
APPLAUSE
Maisie graduated with a BA in acting and community theatre,
so we'd better get a move on before NASA call and snap her up.
Up against him this evening is guest team captain Alan Carr.
Yeah!
APPLAUSE
Alan's first ever acting role was as Squealer the Pig in Animal Farm.
It's great, Alan, but you can stop doing the voice now.
Yeah, yeah, I was a pig.
I had this pig head like this and I had these sticks,
and I burst in the room to show me mum and dad
and the dog shat itself.
Joining Alan tonight, it's Harriet Kemsley.
Yeah! Hello!
APPLAUSE
It says here as part of a challenge for a TV show,
Harriet once appeared on Babe Station.
That's where I know you from.
What was the challenge on Babe Station, what did you do?
You had to like be sexy on camera.
I was like, "Ooh..."
I didn't really know what to do, and we didn't get much money.
Who was we? Who else was there with you?
Erm, well my husband did it as well, I think that was the big...
That's what people really didn't like.
In fact, people were quite angry, we got a lot of complaints.
OK, it says here you're related to one of tonight's guests,
is that true? Yes. It's Jonathan Ross. We are related.
Yeah, but I've asked you so many times not to tell people.
You won't be so offended when you're looking for a relative for a kidney.
Yeah!
But, yes, we are, but we're fairly close relations, aren't we?
Yeah, we are, we are. Which is so weird. Yeah, yeah.
What are you?
What? Brothers?
Yes, brothers. We are, we are brothers.
But the great thing is, because you're a little bit older than me,
when I found out Jonathan Ross was related to me,
it was like finding out you had an extra Nana.
He keeps asking me about the will. He's not in there.
And how are you related, what's the actual...?
Erm, it's, it's, about three, three, four grandparents back, innit?
The BBC had asked me for ages to do this Who Do You Think You Are,
and I kept saying no, no, no.
Then I saw the one with Kris Akabusi
and he ended up in Trinidad and Tobago.
I thought, "Alan, put your name down!' Free holiday.
Peckham. Two weeks in Peckham!
Alan found out, cos one of your relatives had been
a deserter in the war as well.
I know, yes, he ran off dressed as a woman.
They told me this at the Imperial War Museum.
Oh, no! How much of an arsehole did I feel?
He, he survived the Battle of the Somme,
yeah, cos he ran off in slingbacks and a woman's hat.
Harriet. Now, Harriet,
congratulations are in order. You just had your first baby,
how are you finding parenthood?
Thank you, yeah, it's good.
I had the baby at St Thomas's in London,
and they take the baby security like very seriously.
So, like, you have the baby and then you have to show them
the car seat, that you're gonna take the baby home in.
And so, they were like, have you got the car seat,
and they have to look at it, and you have to show them it,
but the problem is me and my husband never got a car seat.
So, the baby's still there.
She's in the best place and women can't have it all,
so she's being looked after and I'm here tonight,
so, thank you, St Thomas's, for everything.
Maisie, it says here your family WhatsApp group is very active.
What do you think they'll be messaging about tonight?
My mum always wants to know,
if I, if I get to do a telly thing, she always wants to know,
if people are nice, and then how tall they are.
Every single time, so I imagine when I finish this,
I'll have a message saying, "Jonathan Ross seemed nice,
"about five foot ten to me, and I right? Lots of love."
And then there's always loads of emojis, as well, so there'll
probably be like, six love hearts, five clocks,
three pens and papers...
And for me at least one aubergine, I hope?
An aubergine, yeah. Probably that,
and I'll reply, "Yeah about 6 foot actually, Mum,
"and he was a total dickhead."
Surprisingly tall is our Jonathan.
Surprisingly tall.
I used to be taller, I used to be six foot one and a half,
now I'm six and a half, I've lost an inch.
Although, I think I know where it went cause my balls are a lot
lower than they used to be.
Jonathan, you're a vegan now. How's that going?
I've been vegan now for about a year,
and you know what, I love it, it's great.
I live mainly off of erm, a sort of nourishment pea drink.
What? You're drinking your own pee?
No, there's this, there's this thing
cause Huel which is this fast—food type thing.
It's just like gruel.
What do you mean it's like gruel?
It's like... It's disgusting... Have you tried the cinnamon swirl?
No. Have you tried the coffee cream latte?
Do you work for Huel?
Yes, I'm hoping to.
It feels to me like, Jonathan, I mean, just reading between
the lines here, but it feels like you're no longer on solid food
cos you're at that age.
You're joking, but in a way there's something that is...
This is gonna sound depressing, but I've got to the age
where I've kind of eaten enough.
Oh, my God. Like an elephant wandering off to die.
Did you bring a mascot, Jonathan?
Oh, sorry, I forgot where I was for a minute.
Yes, Jimmy, I brought a mascot, here's an idea I had,
which I think, I hope will catch on.
As you know, I like more flamboyant clothes and dress sense,
it won't surprise you, being a fan of Magnum Pl,
I have a lot of Hawaii shirts at home. Beautiful.
So, I've come up with the British version of the Hawaiian shirt, OK?
This is the British shirt, and this is decorated,
and I think you'll find this will speak to you.
Let me stand up and show you, so you see it's a suitably grey colour,
to match the weather most of the time, and it's got scenes there.
There for example, is the classic traditional scene
of the Friday night fight outside a Wetherspoons.
That's beautiful. And there's the Alsatians have come in
and the boys are going at it.
Here we have a surfer, which I know sounds Hawaiian to you
but he's like a UK surfer. As you can see, there's lots
of faecal matter, and used condoms on the surf board
from our lovely waterways.
And down the bottom here, you've got the classic picture
of the teenager's smoking cider, and drinking some dank weed...
Dank weed. I think they're probably smoking the dank weed
and drinking the cider.
I mean, if they're anything like me, they put it into a fluid anyway
and just have it in a bowl.
Jonathan Ross, everyone.
Thank you.
Maisie...
Yes? Have you got a mascot, what did you bring?
What can really help sometimes to give a good performance,
and they've been quite popular, shared on social media
fairly recently, is a good old motivational quote.
Like my friend's mum has 'em a lot round the house, they say things
like, "If you want the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain."
She's got written across the kitchen wall,
"You don't have to lick the spoon but it helps."
We don't know what that one means.
So, I have created a Motivator Generator, OK?
This is perfect.
Most of the best like inspirational quotes,
like the ones I've just said, they're sort of in two parts, OK?
So I'm gonna sort of invent our own motivational quotes
that are gonna help us score... Let's go.
Shall we get our first one?
All right, let's get the first half.
OK, so, we've, we've got "The only thing worse than failure..."
Oh, right. Good start, strong start.
That's deep, that's deep.
...is learning to dance in the rain.
That works. Like, so true. That works.
It's so true. You can kind of make sense of it.
Beautiful, that is beautiful. I promised myself I wouldn't cry...
Want another one?
Yeah, let's have another one. Why wouldn't we?
OK, so let's say Jonathan's having a bit of a mare,
he can't work out with the numbers or something.
And I say, "Jonathan, if at first you don't succeed..."
I can't wait for this.
"If at first you don't succeed, be a pink flamingo."
Explains the trousers.
Yeah. Yes, see!
You're halfway there. Harriet, have you got a mascot?
I do have a mascot.
As I said earlier, I had a baby, and me and the baby have got
quite a lot in common,
in that we both really like to cry for no reason.
It's really fun for my husband.
So, what I did is, because I don't know if you guys know this
but when a baby cries, it doesn't make a very nice sound.
So, I invented, the baby no cry headphones.
So, when a baby cries,
the headphones make the cry into a nice noise.
So that the bad noise becomes a good noise.
Mghx, OK. OK.
Can we play some baby crying? OK.
BABY CRI ES Good, yeah.
Not too loudly, otherwise my boobs are gonna leak all over Alan.
Watch out, Alan.
So, you're playing the baby crying,
and then it's gonna convert it into something that I wanna hear.
You guys hear a baby crying,
but I hear my dad unknowingly eat a vegan sausage and say,
"This is the best sausage I've ever had."
You hear a baby crying, but I hear Rachel Riley tell me
that she's quite intimidated by my intellect.
You hear a baby crying but I hear the sound of cunnilingus.
That is not as nice as I thought that would sound, actually.
Do you wanna listen, Alan? No, I don't.
It's not very nice.
I imagine it sounds like, you know,
when you lick, try and lick out the fruit from a Fruit Corner?
Yeah, it's just like that, yeah.
OK, I might give it go.
Alan, did you bring a mascot?
Yeah, I did. Look, I went a bit old school,
so I brought a little teddy bear along.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's happened?
Well, do you know, do you know I've gone through a really spiteful
messy divorce, and my ex's lawyer said, "Take half of everything."
Look at that. Oh, no!
That, but not just that, household items.
Look at that, half a kettle.
Why would you do that, half a kettle, half a toaster.
Half a fondue set, look at that.
All the cheese goes over the floor.
And obviously, you know, people wanna know about, you know,
we've divvied up my celebrity friends,
I get custody of Adele. Good!
Paul gets Gok at the weekend.
We're still friends, even though he's taken half of everything,
but you know what, the one thing he can't take is my dignity.
Am I right? Yeah. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
All right, yeah.
That's not what it looks like, I sat on a Twix.
Am I gonna be looking at your arse cheek for the whole show?
Do you have the other leg?
Yeah, I've got another leg, I could put the other leg on.
Or I could just put on some normal trousers.
Instead of just trying to get a cheap laugh.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Huge Davies.
APPLAUSE
Huge is a... Huge has been on the show before, we wanted him back
because we love his infectious energy and enthusiasm.
Huge, I feel compelled to ask,
is there a reason you're dressed as Father Christmas?
I knew you'd bring that up.
The Producer said I was doing the Christmas Special in 2021,
and then they said that... That's a terrible idea, you bring
a negative vibe, and then I said that I can't be bothered to change
any of my material.
And so here we are.
I'm sorry, so, this is... You're gonna do tonight's stuff
you wrote for a Christmas Special over a year ago?
I don't see why not?
Don't look at me like that, I'm your fucking tailor.
And with Huge of course, it's everyone's favourite, Susie Dent!
Fun fact, you can ask Alexa what Susie Dent's word of the day is
and Alexa will automatically call the Samaritans for you.
Susie, obviously language is always evolving.
Have you got examples of things that used to have different names?
Yes. I can give you couple of my favourites,
cos words do evolve, they change, just as humans change, you know,
and used to have hairlines and human teeth and that kind of thing.
Erm... Susie!!
Susie Dent.
Right in there.
So, penguins used to be called arse-feet.
That is a better name for them, isn't it?
It's brilliant, isn't it? Arse-feet.
I don't think they'd sell the biscuits as much, would they?
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!
APPLAUSE
Rachel is multi-talented,
whether it's sticking letters on a board,
taking letters down from a board,
or standing near a board, she can do it all.
Rachel, has being a parent taught you anything?
You've got two kids now.
I'm learning some good life hacks from the toddler.
Go on. You're in a room or you're in somewhere you don't wanna be,
you can say you need to go and fetch something that's clearly
not gonna be in there, so the weirdest thing that she's requested
when she's going to bed has been a bowl of cheese, some goggles
and a pineapple.
Another one is, if you don't wanna do something, like, you know,
saying thank you or cuddling someone goodbye, you say you're shy.
So, the next time you put one of your weird requests in,
I'm just gonna say I'm shy and go and get some goggles.
If you'd been shy, you wouldn't have those two babies, so...
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown Clogs.
I feel... I feel like I've had one of Jonathan's drinks.
I found that strangely moving.
OK, right, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for the first game, Jonathan, Maisie,
you get the first pick of the letters.
Oh, the pressure, OK. A vowel, please?
E
A consonant?
L
A vowel?
O
A vowel?
A
A consonant.
T
Consonant, please.
...
Consonant.
K
Consonant.
T
Vowel?
And the last one, E.
Your time starts now.
REMIXED COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Nice job.
Jonathan, how many letters?
I'll go with the seven.
OK, Maisie, how many? I've got six.
OK, Alan, how many? I've got six.
OK, and Harriet?
I've got six,
but it could be seven if I put another letter in front,
but then I don't think it's a word, so six.
What's your six, Harriet?
I've got, er, LETTER.
OK, what was your seven?
KLETTER.
I think it was the clogs,
it made me think that maybe like you could do something with that,
like KLETTER, CLOGS.
Susie, KLETTER, is KLETTER a word?
No, but Kletterschuhe is,
so, maybe you were going towards that, which is
a light boot with a felt sole, worn for rock climbing.
A bit like a clog?
They're like a clog but made of felt.
So, sort of the opposite of a clog?
Er, Maisie, your six? Erm, RELATE.
Alan, your six?
KETTLE. Jonathan, your seven?
And I'm not convinced, but KETTLER?
It's not there? Ah.
I'm sorry. Well, six points to both teams.
Huge, Susie, could they have done any better?
Erm, eight. So, you could have TOLERATE.
OK, on to our first numbers round,
Alan, Harriet, your turn to pick the numbers.
Wait, I've forgot how this goes.
What do you do?
You pick, erm, an even one...
Oh, yeah, just go on, just, just do it as you remember, it's fine.
You just... An even one,
a couple with a nought on the end...
2, 100... 100, that's good.
1,000. 50.
And then, more 2s.
So, we can have an 8, that's a few 2s.
That's it, small and then big, that's what it is.
4, a couple of 2s. Yeah.
And another 4. There we go, loads of 2s for you.
OK, and your target is...
What we said about miracles, Harriet. Oh, God.
727, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 727, Alan, did you get it?
Oh, I think I've got 732.
Jonathan, did you get it? I've got 800.
Maisie? Err, 732.
Harriet, did you get it?
I got 726. Wow!
Oh, amazing! That is incredible.
OK, so, 8 X 100, then you get 800.
8 X 100, yes, is 800.
And then if you have 8 X 8...
You've used your 8.
No, no, cos because you add the 4 and the 4. Thank you, Jonathan.
Well, that gives you one 8.
Oh, fuck!
Alan, how did you get 732?
100 X 8, that's 800.
Yep. And then, I take the 50 off,
and then the 4 X 4, 16, take that off,
and then I took the other 2 off.
So, 734, 732, yeah.
Yeah. And Maisie, is that, how you did that?
That's what I did as well. That's how Maisie did it as well.
Seven points to both teams! Yes!
Rachel, this is the part of the show that creeps me out,
where you do something weird with maths.
Well, I'm trying to make you feel a bit more comfortable,
and I just got to one away.
That's what I got too.
OK, Rachel, we'll come back to you.
OK, both teams now have 13 points.
Wow. Well clone.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser.
The words are GIANT NIP, the clue is — Put that on display.
That's GIANT NIP — put that on display. See you after the break.
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
The words were GIANT NIP, the clue was — Put that on display.
It was of course, PAINTING. Yeah.
So, both teams have 13 points.
Rachel Riley, 727 was what you were aiming at, did you get it?
Yeah, I got it.
Ifyousay50+4+4
58,
X 100...
Right? For 5,800.
5,800? Well, you've massively over shot!
+8
Divided by what? + 8 = 725
and then + 2, hopefully.
APPLAUSE
I mean, that's... That's insane!
Rachel Riley, everyone.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Harriet and Jonathan.
So, Harriet your turn to choose.
Five vowels and... Five vowels?
That's quite a lot.
And seven consonants.
Maybe four vowels, five consonants?
Yes, yes. I think that'll be good, that'll be pretty good.
Thank you. Thank you Rachel, I do appreciate it.
R,S
P and W.
Is that all right? ...and a C.
As the clock's going, I might do my last 30 seconds
of community service. Your time starts now.
Mate, what you doing? Fucking bell-end.
What you doing? Really? Really?
APPLAUSE
Do you know what? Do you know what, mate?
You think you've won, but this bin juice is actually delicious.
Harriet, how many? Four.
Four. Jonathan, how many? Six.
Six. Harriet, what's your four?
CRAP.
It's hard to say this without it sounding weird,
but can you pull me off?
Thanks. Ooh... Yeah, no, I like it.
APPLAUSE
Jonathan, what was your six?
Er, I've got WIPERS. WIPERS.
Or SWIPER. Very good.
Six points to Jonathan.
Huge, Susie, could they have done any better?
We've got SAUCIER. And SPACIER.
OK, right, now time for Maisie and Alan to go head-to-head.
Maisie, your turn to pick the numbers.
One big one, please, three small ones,
another big one... Yeah.
Small. Nice choice.
Thank you, Rachel.
Two large, four little.
Did you hear that, nice choice? It was a nice choice.
Do you know why? Cos I've been a pink flamingo about this.
100 and 75,
and your target, 998.
Oh, for God's sake.
Oh, that's... OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 998. Alan?
I've got 999. One away, OK.
Maisie? I've got 1,001.
So, you're a little bit closer, Alan, so, tell us how you did it.
OK,3+7=10.
10.
And then x 100, that's 1,000, innit?
Yeah, 1,000.
And then you just take the 1 off.
Yeah.
Seven points to Alan.
Rachel, could it be done?
So,3+7=10,
but then 100 — 1 = 99,
times those together for 990
and + 8. 998.
Wow.
APPLAUSE
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Er, Huge, is this song gonna be about Christmas?
Yea h, what else?
So, as I said, I was meant to originally do
the Christmas song in 2021, in December.
So, hopefully it'll still make sense. So, here we go.
# 2021 is almost over, thank God
# And I can't wait for the next year
# 2022 is finally here.
# Got my dad a present, yeah
# We're off on a trip to Australia
# To see Djokovic, we've had both our jabs
# Then I'm straight to Vegas which I've saved up for months
# Cos I am taking my mum to see Adele
# Boy, I bet it goes well
# 2021 is almost over, thank God.
# Oh, look at the turkey!
# 2022 is finally here.
# I've spent all my money on that tennis match
# I really hope that the price of gas stays exactly the same
# Cos after two years of loss and desperation
# I just feel that Putin's gonna make a statement
# just relax and have a really chilled time
# 2021 is almost over, thank God
# And we've got nothing to fear, stop crying, jimmy!
# 2022 is finally here
# I've got a big day in court.
# I hope it will be sorted
# I'm feeling tense and quite depressed
# I work in Woking Pizza Express
# 2021 is almost over, thank God
# Hope Will Smith gets that Oscar, I'm rooting for him
# 2021 is finally here
# And if it's going badly, well, let's just watch a film
# To cheer us all up next year
# Oh, look, The Batman's out, I hope it takes a lighter tone. #
Huge Davies, everyone!
And here is your teaser.
The words are A DIM RING, the clue is —
I can't stop looking at it.
That's A DIM RING — I can't stop looking at it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were A DIM RING,
the clue was — I can't stop looking at it. It was of course, ADMIRING.
OK, before we go on, time for a quick bonus round.
So, far we've tested the maths and English skills of our players,
but now it's time to test their tongues.
Is Alan gonna do the yoghurt pot thing?
I can, if you want.
Everyone, please join me in the middle
for Who's Drinking the Disgusting Drink?
Please.
Wow.
I've got nice legs, I think, do you think?
Who's fancying turkey drumsticks? Go on.
What's interesting though is he's only shaved one of his balls.
Harriet. Yes. OK, pay close attention.
Alan, Maisie and Jonathan have a series of drinks in front of them.
Two of them will be drinking something delicious,
one of them will be drinking something disgusting.
It's your job, Harriet, to work out who's drinking the disgusting drink.
So, we have to pretend they're disgusting even if they're not?
Yes. And if it is disgusting, allow it to be seen that it's disgusting?
Well, whatever your strategy would be.
Jonathan, as well, if you wanna wretch,
just have a look down at my ball bag.
I've seen a lot worse.
There are five points at stake,
so let's play Who's Drinking the Disgusting Drink?
OK, the first drink, it's a delicious cider for two of you,
but for one of you, its vinegar.
Have a sniff of the delicious cider and/or vinegar.
So, er, swigs, please.
Who's drinking the delicious drink, who's drinking the awful vinegar?
I would drink all mine, it was so nice.
So, who are you thinking has got the nice drinks then?
OK, well, I think Jonathan's got the nice drink cos he keeps going,
"Mm, it's so nice," but he could be bluffing.
Am I bluffing or is it lovely? Yeah, could you drink more of it, please?
No. Who do you think has got the disgusting drink?
I think...Alan looks quite sad.
That's just me. I've got half a bloody trouser leg on!
Yeah, it might be the trousers.
Maisie's eyes went a funny colour which I think is hard to act.
Community theatre. Yeah, so we'll... Three years.
What did you get in the degree, did you get a first or...?
No, I got a 2:1, thank you.
It was a really well—respected degree, you had to have two GCSEs
to do it, and they didn't care what the grades were.
Not an A-level in sight.
OK, let's try another one.
Now, two of our lovely contestants have a tasty hot chocolate.
But for one of them, it's a blend of blue cheese,
horseradish and garlic mayonnaise.
Ohhh!
OK, so... I'll stick with the vinegar, I'm fine.
Want to have a little drink? A little drink, please.
I really like garlic mayonnaise, don't you?
You've got it on your lip, Alan.
Erm, OK, it's...
You've got a moustache now,
you've got a moustache and it really suited you. Sorry, sorry.
Maisie's having a bad time, but I don't know if it's the GCSE.
It's a degree, but we'll let that go because...
I'm so sorry!
...| genuinely think it should be worth a GCSE.
So, one more.
This is a lovely healthy smoothie for two of you,
but one of you will be drinking a generous helping of mackerel. Yummy!
Oh, my God. No! GROANING
Yummy mackerel. I wanna see the level go down.
Have a good belt of this.
Oh, Alan's gone for it, Maisie's gone for it, Jonathan?
OK, we need your answer now, who's been drinking the disgusting drinks?
It's five points if you get it right.
Am I allowed to make one of them down it?
You can get one of them to try another drink. What's up with you?
Just have a little more sip of that mackerel.
I could drink all that cos it's fruit. Please do.
Why are you wasting your chances on me? Go ahead, drink it.
Big sip, big sip. I know, it's fine.
Yeah, nice big sip. No, that was a tiny sip.
That was nothing. What do you mean, that was...
No, it's fine, it's fruit juice. Yeah.
Harriet, we need an answer. Who's drinking... Jonathan.
Jonathan's drinking the disgusting drinks. Yeah. No!
No! Mine are delicious!
ALAN: Double bluff!
APPLAUSE
OK, so you've not got the points,
but just who do you think had the disgusting drinks?
Alan.
It's cider.
Maisie!
I feel physically sick.
The points go to Maisie. Five points to Maisie. Well done.
Everyone back to your seats.
Jonathan...
That was... I don't... I don't think of you as an actor,
but you absolutely nailed that. What was your secret?
I played you like a fiddle because you were looking at me
and first of all you got it right and then I thought,
I'll pretend that I'm acting to enjoy it.
Even though I was really enjoying it.
And then, Alan, just like now and again,
you'd just like... I don't think you knew what was happening.
No. No... And then you had this dig like,
"There's a sadness about you," like you're some bitchy clairvoyant.
Maisie, it turns out that your frankly Mickey Mouse acting degree
really paid off. Yeah. Well,
I didn't think I was acting, that was genuinely vile.
You had tears in your eyes at one point. I think I was crying vinegar.
Was that not a clue that she was drinking the disgusting drinks?
I thought it was the acting. They don't teach you vinegar tears!
You got five points, you did very well.
You're now in the lead. You did amazing.
Maisie Adam. You really did scream for the team.
OK. On with the game. Jonathan and Maisie,
your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel consonant, vowel.
T, I,
M, A,
MAISIE BURPS
I think... I think the mackerel's back.
ALAN: Oh, my...
00f! Oh, that is... Oh, wow.
It just hit me.
Wow. I've never been so panicked.
Give us another vowel, please.
I And give us another consonant.
M Another vowel.
E
Let's have another consonant.
And B. OK, and your time starts now.
OK. Jonathan, how many letters?
Six. OK, Maisie, how many?
Six. Alan? Seven.
Harriet?
Seven. I'm just going to go for it.
Maisie, what was your six? ANIMAL
Right. Don't ask me too much because I don't feel very capable
of speaking at the moment. OK, that'll be...
That's the mackerel repeating on you. Don't say mackerel.
How are you spelling ANIMAL, Ray?
In French.
So, Jonathan, your six? ENTAIL
Oh, that's lovely. Very nice.
Harriet, let's do your seven because, you know,
get it out the way.
So I've got two different sevens. Two different sevens? Yeah.
Wow. What do you mean, wow? They won't be real words.
Where's the wow in this? We don't know they're not real words.
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. Thank you.
BETIMAL
I'm losing hope. BETIMAL?
Or LAMINEB.
Excuse me, Doctor. I'm having a problem with my LAMINEB. Exactly.
Is that nonsense word in there?
No. No!
Will you be involving in the home schooling of your child?
We've got to hope there's not another pandemic.
She's fucked.
Ala n, your seven?
AILMENT
ALL: Oooooh! Well done!
Seven points for Alan.
APPLAUSE Back in the lead.
Huge, Susie, could they have done any better?
IMITABLE And what does immutable mean?
IMITABLE means copiable or imitatable.
MOCKING: IMITABLE means copiable...
Sorry, Susie. That's all right.
It's the mackerel. You OK? ls there going to be another burp?
No...
Can I motivate myself for a bit?
I think you should, because I'll be honest,
those drinks are going through you like shit through a goose.
Jimmy, are we still going out for those tandoori prawns later?
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass."
It's 5 o'clock somewhere!
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Huge, your second time on Countdown.
How did it go down when people saw you the first time?
Yeah. I spoke to my dad about it.
Unfortunately, there is no chemistry between us,
so I've had to just put it to music
to make it seem as if it's sort of fun.
So it went a bit like this.
Hi, Dad. Nice to see you again.
Yeah, all right, sure, yeah.
Did you see I was on Countdown?
I thought I did quite well.
That's not what Twitter was saying.
You used to watch Countdown.
Did you like it?
Did I like it?
Oh...
# I'm not really sure I understood what the fuck was going on
# Why is there a mascot bit?
# Why was there half an hour of it?
# I didn't really understand why no-one on was good at Countdown
# At one point, someone got five letters
# And everybody fucking cheered
# Then halfway through, you came on
# Randomly, just did a song
# And Why'd that song have to be being kidnapped as a child
# And put in a van and bound and gagged
# And put in a bag by a horrible man
# And why was it me?
# It clashed with the numbers round tonally... #
Dad, that doesn't sound like you did really like it.
Honestly, I just appreciate if you didn't really like it,
you just kept it to yourself.
# Oh, I didn't really understand what the fucking fuck was going on
# Why can't you get on Jonathan Ross or Alan Carr?
# Get a real job
# I also didn't really understand why Carol looked so young... #
I said, Dad...
# I also didn't really understand what the fuck was going on
# At the gates they thought I was Phil Wang
# And they kind of just let me on. #
APPLAUSE
Phil Wang, everyone!
And here is your final teaser. The words are OOH AW MRS.
And the clue is, give it a good clean.
That's OOH AW MRS, give it a good clean. See you after the break.
CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
The words were OOH AW MRS.
The clue is, give it a good clean.
It was, of course, WASHROOM.
Time for our final letters game.
Alan, Harriet, your turn to choose.
Ooh, right. Great. You choose this time, I think.
Yes. I think we all want to get home.
Consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant.
Oh... Vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.
T, L... I know what I want!
It's that stage of the evening.
I'm on a roll. That was sexy, actually.
A, E,
I and U.
Your 30 seconds starts now.
OK. OK, yeah, I see.
I think I'm actually taking away too much.
Hmm.
APPLAUSE
I think it's all right.
I'm happy with that.
I restored a painting, look at that. Nice, isn't it?
Oh, wow... Oh, that's beautiful.
That nearly brought the mackerel back up.
Right, Maisie, how many? It's harrowing, that.
I've got an eight.
Wow. Jonathan?
I think I might have a seven.
Excellent news. Alan?
I've got five. OK, Harriet.
You know what? It's just been nice to get out the house.
Have you ever had anyone not get anything before?
Yeah. You've been on the show before.
And that's when it last happened. Alan, your five?
Well, I think I've got a six now.
Oh, well, go on, then. OK.
UNTILE? Like, you know when you put tiles up in a bathroom
and then if you take the tiles off you UNTILE?
Is that a word, Susie?
No, it's not, Alan, I'm afraid.
I like the way she pretended to even look in the dictionary.
"Yes... Oh, it's not here."
Jonathan, your seven?
It's UNTITH E.
UNTITHE? U-N-T-I-T-H-E. Sounds old school.
Not there. OK. Maisie.
So, go on. So, as I say, remember what I've done in the last round.
I've had a drink that's been mixed up
like the ones you've been drinking, it had a fish in it.
Maybe it would have been a TUNA HUEL.
TUNA HUEL!
APPLAUSE
Annoyingly, it's not up there.
A TUNA HUEL?
You've used the U how many times?
Well, as I say, I often have the French version.
HUGE: It's the German version now.
That is no points to anyone.
Susie, was there anything there?
Not a lot, no. We had AUNTIE and TALENT.
OK. So Jonathan and Maisie have 24 still,
and Alan and Harriet have 27.
Oh, wow.
APPLAUSE
OK. It's a crucial Conundrum today.
Ready for this? OK.
Have you all got your buzzers? Yeah.
Where's my buzzer? Oh, yeah.
Wait, I don't have a buzzer.
I don't think you're going to use it, are you?
BUZZER
I tell you what, if you get it, just go, "Buzz."
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Time starts now.
Buzz, buzz! Buzz, yeah.
Buzz! Stop the clock.
Buzz! Alan, buzz, Alan, buzz.
BELL Go on.
Yes. No, I just wanted to see if you respected me enough to stop.
CHEERING
For a second there, we all thought, "A miracle!"
That would have been such a lovely end to the show.
I know! It would be so nice.
The clock starts again.
Time starts now.
BELL, JONATHAN GROANS
Alan? DANGEROUS
Yes. Let's have a look and see if you're right. Alan Carr for the win.
He's won!
CHEERING
Yes!
So, the final scores are,
Jonathan and Maisie have 24,
but Alan and Harriet have done it with 37 points.
Congratulations, Alan and Harriet.
You're now the proud owner of these Countdown clogs.
Thanks to all our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience,
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight!
CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media