This program me contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
Jon Richardson,
Joe Wilkinson, jo Brand,
jamali Maddix,
Rachel Parris,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley,
and your host, jimmy—y—y Carr!
Hello, and welcome
to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
A bit of a warning at the top of the show,
this program me contains strong language
and scenes involving anagrams,
which some viewers may find tedious.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's team captain jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
What is it about jon Richardson
that makes him irresistible to women?
Nothing, he's not.
Teflon, sexual Teflon.
You mean that you wipe clean?
Yeah, I guess so, and if scratched I'm very dangerous.
It's lethal, you get a scratch underneath,
all that's leaking into your food.
You wanna get into this now? Yeah.
I imagine because we've got people on who've never been on before,
you've got gags you're very excited to tell.
It's staggering you've still got shit on me after all these years
and you still even do your little neck stretch into it, like...
And Jon's team-mate, jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The legend.
Jo's moto is "never trust a man with testicles",
which is why we get along so well.
Have you not got any? I'm totally smooth down there, no, I'm like a Ken doll.
I quite like that idea, which disturbs me.
Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
joe might seem scary but he's actually very timid.
If you frighten him with a loud noise, he'll roll into a ball
like a hedgehog and suck himself to sleep.
And joining joe tonight, it's jamali Maddix.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
It's very good to have you here.
Jamali Maddix and joe Wilkinson, together at last — it looks like
a dead heat in the final of Britain's Most Clogged Plughole.
I thought I was quite fit.
Have you been on that list?
Cos jon has been on the Weird Crush List, haven't you?
I have, thrice, it's a list... I mean...
And the fact he said that is why it's weird.
I was on it, I was one above Dr Dre.
Dr Dre? Why was he on the weird...?
I think he's ugly as shit.
Joe, if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
Erm, I'd probably have
a few less haemorrhoids.
And what's the right number?
Well, it's just enough that you can get through a revolving door.
I struggle sometimes.
Erm, I quite like smaller areolaes,
you know, the brown area around your nipple,
I'd like them to be smaller cos at the moment they're
so big they overlap like a Venn diagram.
And one of my plums annoys me.
I think the middle one's too big.
Jamali, do you think you and joe will be a good team?
Honestly, I thought I was with Jon.
So I came here with confidence. Ah.
I think we're both shit.
Yeah, I wanna win, though. Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Cos you've got glasses on, I thought...
Cos of my glasses my mum says
I look like a guy in prison that reads.
Sorry? Your mum says that? Yeah, my mum said that.
Your mum is harsh. My mum says horrible shit to me.
I don't blame her cos I just disappointed her throughout my life.
One time I had a bike,
and I traded it for a pair of nunchuks.
And then my mum was like,
"Go back," and then I come back with a dog.
What would you have preferred to end up with?
Two dogs. Yeah.
Jo? Yes. You've been married for a while —
what's the secret to a happy marriage?
I would say it's never go to sleep on an argument,
go to sleep on a bed.
And also, be as violent as you like
with your own husband,
but with soft toys, so there's no bruising.
Oh, I must make him watch this.
Jo, have you got a mascot? Yeah. Oh, go on, what have you brought?
Well, I was gonna try and do my five—a—day in the show.
Oh, you're trying to be healthy, have your five-a-day fruit and veg,
yeah, great idea. Exactly, get it over with.
So, let's start with, first...
Well, it's sprouts.
Actually, I quite like sprouts, so I would like to walk round
with a handbag and just sort of snack on them.
So, if anyone wants a sprout throughout the show,
I can just do this.
Oh, so smooth. APPLAUSE
For some reason, I didn't think you could catch.
No, I'm programmed to.
Joe, can you catch?
THUD!
Oh, what else have I got?
A kale smoothie.
Ooh, that looks brutal.
They are disgusting, and so my advice to you
with a kale smoothie is like do this...
Ugh!
...and then... What have you got there?
...pour it down a toilet.
What are you doing with Jon's toilet?
Any more, any more fruit and veg based...?
Well, yeah, these.
I love these, like, fruit chews.
THEY SIGH HAPPILY
— And, you know... Do you like them? — Yeah.
They've got real fruit juice in them.
LAUGHTER No, they have,
but unfortunately to get your five-a-day,
you have to eat a 150 of them.
Well, you best start now, then.
Yeah, I am gonna, anyone else?
Can you get one to Susie Dent there? I'll have a go.
Bollocks.
One more go, Susie.
Bollocks.
We'll get more of the five-a-day later on. jon, have you got
a mascot? It's more of a business launch.
Ooh, what's the business idea?
Do you know what's done very well in the last year or so is
a thing called Cameo? Is that where the famous people do messages?
That's where you can pay a fee to get a celebrity
to wish my Uncle Bob a happy birthday.
That's Cameo, that's that business. That's Cameo.
So, what's YOUR business? Well, the misunderstanding for me is that,
if social media's taught us anything, people don't want to hear
from celebrities, they want to be able to pass their own news onto celebrities,
that's the real joy of the social media world.
So, I've amassed a few phone numbers in my years
in the business. If I've got their number,
I'll send them a message. I can't record the videos myself,
obviously I don't want my prints all over it.
So, I get my nan to do it. Well, what's this business called? Naneo.
Jimmy, very excitingly, this is for you.
From your nan? Yeah. From Naneo. Lovely.
Hello, James, I've got a message
for you from everyone at Krakow Beauty & Hair Therapies
who want to say thank you
for keeping their business afloat during the lockdown.
They've never worked on anyone with cold blood before.
Hope that you're pleased with the result,
and also want to thank Joe Wilkinson
for the last-minute donation
of surplus back hair.
Was that OK, Jon?
I'm gonna have to rush off because those prunes are kicking in.
I don't know why anyone would send him a message anyway.
I've always found him to be a smarmy little BLEEP.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
jamali, have you got a mascot?
I do have a mascot and...
Cos I was thinking about what to bring in,
I thought, "You know what?
"I need something that's gonna give me guidance
"and something that's gonna be useful."
So, for my mascot I've brought in
a previous Countdown champion, Bradley.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And so he's gonna sit behind me
and give me notes of encouragement throughout the show.
And I thought, cos I know you're gonna be like,
"It's against the rules," but it's actually a loophole and I thought
you would appreciate a loophole.
I mean... Is that, genuinely, Bradley,
you're an ex—Countdown champion?
I've won quite a few shows.
OK, that's good, yeah.
I think we should put some money on this.
Can I borrow £10,000 off someone?
I wanna go big.
OK, so for the first time on Cats Does Countdown,
there's ten grand at stake.
Oh, God, I'm rich.
LAUGHTER
Well, lastly joe, do you have a mascot?
Yeah, sort of.
I brought along some nuts and bolts that I found.
Well, I say found — unscrewed.
Where did you unscrew them from?
I'd rather not say.
Sorry about that.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Rachel Parris.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So, Rachel, what have you been up to lately?
Er, what I've been up to is like,
you know when lockdown happened last year?
And I started sending postcards
to my friends cos we were all, you know, trapped inside,
like just little messages like, "Oh, I haven't seen you for ages."
But then I got quite into the rhythm of that.
So, this year,
I've sort of continued sending the postcards,
but I've realised that it's funner to do it anonymously
and to write messages that people don't understand.
Just writing things like, "How long has it been" dot-dot-dot.
And not signing it.
Or "I know" dot-dot-dot.
Or, "There in five minutes." Ooh!
And they'll run around getting ready. You can heckle them with
a postcard and just write down,
"Your long-distance throw isn't as good as your short-distance throw."
Agh!
Yes!
APPLAUSE
And with Rachel, of course, it's Susie Dent!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Susie Dent is an author,
and over the last 20 years she's curled out 15 books.
LAUGHTER, GROANING
Are you working on another book?
Yes, I am working on a new book. What's the new book?
Actually, I'm not really allowed to disclose this,
got to go through the liable lawyers first, but it's about you, jimmy.
Remember that German word Backpfeifengesicht? No.
That's what it's called, which is
a face that deserves to be slapped.
You're probably a Sitzpinkler as well, aren't you?
Sitzpinkler? Yeah. OK, what does it mean?
Someone who sits down to have a piss. Yes.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Rachel loves to sleep,
and if she had her way, would sleep through till noon every day.
Well, why don't you, Rachel? You don't start work till four,
and even then it's only for a half-hour.
That would be so good if it was like 1990,
when we were on at half past four.
What time are you on now? We're on at 2:10. Yeah.
2:10?! You have to get up for 2:10 now. I know, it's terrible.
Of course it is. You poor thing.
And lift those tiles all by myself.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
is this, the Countdown artist set.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
CHUCKLING
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Wait one second.
Is he sitting on an enormous cock and balls?
OK, that's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
Jon, jo, you get the first pick of the letters.
Consonant, please.
Thank you, Jo. B.
That's a C, Bradley.
And another one, consonant, please.
VG
A vowel.
I
Another vowel.
A. Consonant.
T
Vowel, please.
A
An E, please.
E
Yay! Consonant.
R
And another consonant, please.
And the last one, M.
For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Ooh.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
It looks more like jimmy Carr than YOU look like jimmy Carr
in a weird way, in terms of just like a real person.
It's got, it's got the classic hair.
I've made action dolls of everyone.
Jo Brand, we've got an action doll of you.
Where is it? There's a gold box next to you.
Jo, I've gone classic '80s jo Brand Through The Cakehole era.
And I've gone anorexic by the looks of it.
Oh, that's nice. That's quite good,
though, isn't it, jo Brand as the whole thing?
Yeah, the trousers are brilliant. It's pretty good.
Yeah, I did wear those,
and I did wear those boots as well. My feet are sort of weirdly tiny.
How do you think jon Richardson feels?
Yes, I look forward to unwrapping my Sylvanian Family
with a fucking bald spot or whatever you've done.
I bet we're doing Jon last.
Jamali, let's have a look at yours.
Why am I dressed as the campest superhero alive?
We've done you as sort of an action hero.
Action hero of what?
Knitting.
Joe, yours is pretty special, I think.
Absolutely fuck you.
Honestly, it looks more like you than you do.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Look on the right foot, there's some dog shit on it.
And it smells of cider, so it really is the full...
Yeah, and the fag butts in my hair.
I think there's one for you as well, jon.
Oh, it's so heavy!
It must be so big!
Aww!
LAUGHTER
I wanted yours to be a little bit sexy.
It's got a sort of a cardigan cape.
Jon, yours looks like it can kneel down.
Guys, I don't know...
If you put your one in front of Joe's...
No, no, we're not! We're not doing that! I was gonna go there, and...
jon, put yours in front of Joe's and I really think we've got
an incident in a park.
How did you know I wear knitted underpants?
It's so creepy!
It's the superhero no-one wants to arrive. "Oh, it's you."
IN NASAL VOICE: Yes, I was just coming to complain about the noise.
OK. Jamali, how many letters?
I have four letters.
Do I have four letters? One second.
Keep on believing in yourself. I have...
...seven letters.
Joe, how many? Six. jon, how many?
Seven. Seven, OK. And jo Brand? Six.
What's your six, Jo? CAMERA.
Traditionally, of course... You need a C. Yeah, I know,
I cheated and told Bradley it was a C,
and I wrote C down.
I'll try harder.
BAMERA. Joe, your six—letter word.
— EATER. — BAUER'? What does that mean'?
I don't know. It's really good. Good work, Joe.
Oh, yeah, BAUER, oh.
Is that a word?
Yeah, BAITER is in. Yeah, great. BAITER, that's What I said, BAITER.
But not BATIER. I could have sworn he said something else.
No, no. He said BATIER, and that would be a seven anyway, so...
Yes, seven, I've got a seven.
No, it's not in.
Oh, what have I got? What have I got?
Herpes?
Jamali, your seven. Yeah, I got WARTIME.
You got WARTIME. WARTIME.
Well done, Jamali,
well done, mate. Thank you.
Did you get anything?
WARTIME is one word, is it, not two words? I think Jamali somehow knew
that the hyphen dropped out quite recently, didn't you? I did, yeah.
Yeah. The hyphen dropped out? Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, that's all,
they just call round the mandem and they say, "Listen,
"have you heard about
"the fucking hyphen and that?" we go mad.
Jon, your seven. I also got WARTIME.
It's seven points to both teams.
Well done, jamali.
Well done, jamali. Rachel,
Susie, could they have done any better?
The best that we found was WARTIME, I think. Yeah.
Yeah, kudos to Jamali, basically. Yeah.
And Joe. And joe, to a much letter degree. OK.
So, at the end of that,
both teams have seven points.
On to our first numbers round, OK.
Joe, jamali, you get to pick the numbers.
What do you reckon, Duncan?
Did you just call him Duncan?
Yes, he's called Duncan.
No, he's not, he's called Bradley.
Sure?
I think you should go one large.
Go large. We're gonna... All of them large.
RACHEL: All of them large?
Sorry, ALL of them large? All of them large. Honestly,
I don't quite understand what's going on in the game.
To be clear, though, you said "one large", right?
It's what I advised.
Yeah, Duncan's not for you to talk to.
Next time bring your own Duncan, all right?
We're paying for the bus fare home — not you.
OK, they're going all large. All large?
They're going all large. We've got 9, 2,
25, 75 and 100 and 50.
The target...
150.
327.
OK, and your time starts now.
JOE GASPS OK, so the target was 327.
Hang on, did you get it, joe?
Yes! I swear to god I've got it.
OK, go, explain how you got it, joe. OK, OK.
9x25
+50
There's a 50, tell me there's a 50.
Yeah, there is a 50, yeah.
It wasn't the route I thought you were gonna do, 275.
Oh, fucking arse!
LAUGHTER
Right, no, let's keep going, plus the 75.
I was gonna minus the 25
and plus the two, but I've used the 25 twice.
So, if we get to this point...
Oh, hold on, there's a way I can do this.
Let's not help them.
+ 100
Yeah! + 2. Yeah!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Did it!
No need, mate, off you go.
Jamali, did you get it? I got it.
You got it. Yeah, same.
Jon, did you get it? Yes, I did.
Oh, for f... How did you get it — the same way?
No, I said 100 + 9,
X (75 + 25)
What? Perfect, well done.
Don't encourage him. jo Brand, did you get it?
Er, no, I got 332.
So, ten points to both teams.
And the teaser. The words are IT'S MR POO, and the clue is,
are you sure? That's IT'S MR POO, are you sure?
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were IT'S MR POO, the clue was,
are you sure? It was, of course, IMPOSTOR.
OK, both teams have 17 points.
Jon, have you got any more sort of Cameo Naneo messages?
Oh, I don't know, let me just check the app.
Yes, I have had a new message, erm,
it's just come in so I haven't seen it, but my nan says,
"Will you please send this to Joe Wilkinson?"
Ooh! Let me see if I can quickly set up the tech, and... Zoop!
Hello, Joe, love. Jon doesn't know I'm sending this one
because he wouldn't approve.
He's a prude, you see.
Anally retentive due to being in nappies
until he was six, if you ask me.
I wanted to say I think you're a very beautiful man.
A proper man, as we used to call them.
Hairy enough to save wear and tear on the good eiderdown in winter
and the sort of strong guts that got us through the war.
If you're ever near the Second—best Erotic Marigold Retirement Complex in Lytham,
then I'm in apartment 17B.
The keys are under the ornamental piggies by the door.
I'll supply all the pickled eggs you can eat.
Let's hurry this show up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, we've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for jon and joe.
So, spoiler alert, jon wins.
A bit of paper.
Just giving him a bit of paper for no reason. jON: All right.
You got a pen? Cool.
OK, joe, your turn to pick the letters.
Er, A... The A, E and I...
Yeah, that one.
A. A.
And then we'll have a...
...a T and S, one of those.
Yeah, N.
An N. fine. Another one of those ones.
Another one. D.
Oh.
A vowel.
O
Er... You're on for gonads.
Ho-ho! And then the rest consonants,
so I might get gonads.
Yes!
APPLAUSE
We don't know if you can have just one, though, so...
Er, plural.
IV!
Consonant, consonant. Consonant.
R. Consonant.
We need three vowels, so I'll get you... No, consonant.
We'll give you an E and then one last chance. Come on!
G
Five, I've got five.
I'll start the clock from over here.
I never have any bloody fun on this show,
so I thought I'd get one of these, everybody.
Hang on. Sorry, I'll start the clock in a minute.
Erm...
Come on! It's not actually working.
Oh, I think it's working.
Start the clock now.
MUSIC: Thomas The Tank Engine theme tune
No way! APPLAUSE
I love that this is my job.
I'm a grown man and this is my job.
Christ, breakneck speed.
Whoa.
That is sick.
What you doing after the show?
It does look like you're wanking while you're driving that.
Does it look a little bit like I'm masturbating? It does.
Well, actually, it's a double bluff, cos I am.
Jon, how many?
Nine. What do you mean, nine?
Between eight and ten.
This is incredible news, I'm coming over there.
Have yo um have you ream; got time or are you messing around'?
I really imagine that's how you get around your house.
Joe, how many? I've got seven.
Just only got seven. I'm absolutely gutted.
Joe, your seven—letter word?
Oh, I've just got a bloody...
just GROANED. That's all I could think of.
And, Jon, your nine-letter word?
DOGGERMAN
Oh. Hey. DOGGERMAN?
Yes, I saw a DOGGERMAN down by the weeping willow.
Well, we had dogger. unsurprisingly.
But a DOGGERMAN is not in the dictionary, Jon. Oh.
Seven points to joe? Oh, whatever.
APPLAUSE
Rachel, Susie, could they have done any better?
Well, I got DOGGER,
but I didn't make it gendered because why would you?
LAUGHTER Um, and...
...Susie found DRAGOMEN.
They are Arabic or Turkish or Persian speaking interpreters.
OK, so at the end of that, jon and jo have 17.
Joe and jamali have 24, they're in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Well deserved.
Jo Brand, you're trying to do five a day throughout the show.
Yeah. Next is cider.
And that provides?
One bottle of cider,
you have to use 30 apples to make it.
So, that is your five a day for six clays!
Wow. APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
Oh, I've got to say, that is delicious.
Thank you, mate. I feel healthier already.
Right, it's now time for jamali
and jo Brand to go head-to-head on the maths.
Jo, your turn to pick the, um... Oh, my God. ..the numbers.
One from the top and five from anywhere else.
One from the top, five from anywhere else.
You've got 5,
9, 4,
3, 5,
and 25. Everybody's favourite. Oh, mate. Piece of piss.
And the target, 885.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER
Just sent him a good luck card. Yeah, it's just... Cos I...
I did notice you seemed to... It's a good luck card.
No, but what he...what happened was is, I was just like,
"Bradley, thanks for coming,"
and he was like, "Here's a nice little note for ya,"
and it just says, "You look nice today."
Did you get that? Yes.
OK- J0. did you get it?
Er, no.
I got 880.
OK. Hang on a minute, Jo.
Just let me write you a note telling you how nice you look today.
Aww, thanks, Jon. I think you look...
Er, excuse me? Oh, that's...
Excuse me. Aww. That's really helpful, thanks, Jon.
Honk, honk. That's such a lovely colour on you.
Come on, jamali. We're off. Come on mate.
This is bullshit.
All right, they've just said they'll shoot me if I leave.
Um, in fairness those are just the voices in his head,
he doesn't have an earpiece.
Have the nits started to talk?
OK, jamali how did you do it?
Basically, I went for the 25.
Yeah, good start. Yes. Boom.
Then I timesed that with four, just, fuck it, why not? Yeah.
Then I timesed that by nine.
You're getting so much closer. Oh!
We're moving and grooving.
Then take away...then...
Check your notes. Is it not take away...?
Your handwriting's awful.
It really is. So... Bit of clarity! Why do you...? What's that?
JO: Well, jamali's, hang on, jamali's got lost
so I'll just finish it off, shafll?
Yeah, but then 5... So then 5 x 3?
5X3=15.
Yeah, then... Why...? Then what do I do from that, bruv?
LAUGHTER If you take...
Yeah, but if I had... So what...so...
Oh, so that's an equation in itself.
JON: That's a minus. I think you may have mistaken it
for the hyphen from WARTIME.
Sorry, are you...?
That was very funny.
APPLAUSE
And then minus... Yeah.
885, perfect.
OK, so, jo Brand, how did you do it?
I did it slightly differently. Yeah.
4x25
And then multiple that by nine.
So, the same? Yeah.
And then I didn't turn round to someone and go,
"|s that a hyphen or is that...? Oh, OK."
—5x3
Perfect. So, jon and jo have 27.
Joe and jamali are in the lead with 34.
Yeah, cracking!
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Rachel, what have you got for us?
Well, I've been, you know, a long term fan of the show,
and I really love the show apart from one aspect of it,
which I think is really cruel and unfair.
So, I've tried to write a song in support ofjon
because I think, to be honest, he needs all the help he can get.
SHE PLAYS KEYBOARD
# Leave Jon alone, jimmy
# And make amends
# This poor little man
# With very few friends
# He's clearly given up on himself
# He defines the phrase
# "At least he's got his health"
# But he's good at maths
# He's got some money
# In spite of everything he's got his own show
# On which his wife is very funny
# Send him a pity invite to your fancy parties
# He's so visibly a vegan
# And he owns 97 cardies
# His tired eyes, jimmy
# Won't you be kind, jimmy?
# He doesn't have your stature
# Or your hairs
# Don't you care, jimmy?
# Be fair, jimmy
# This is his height, fully grown
# He's got gallstones
# Leave Jon alone. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser. The words are ONE SPUNK,
and the clue is — holding some back.
That's ONE SPUNK, holding some back.
See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were ONE SPUNK, the clue was — holding some back.
It was, of course, UNSPOKEN.
OK, before we go on time for a quick bonus round,
the prize the teams are competing for tonight
is the Countdown Artist's Set
so it's time to test their drawing skills.
I'm going to give them a series of nine—letter words.
All they have to do is draw them
and their team-mates will have to guess what it is.
Jamali and joe, you're up first. So, jamali you're guessing. Yeah.
Joe, you're drawing. This could not be easier,
I'm looking forward to watching joe fuck it up.
Are you good at drawing, joe?
No, but my pants are up my arse.
Hold on.
Ouch.
OK, you're against the clock. Oh.
Your time starts now.
Oh. Topical.
He's drawing a nine—letter word.
Underwear. Oh!
Yes, I mean.
OK next one. Next board, next board. Next board.
Crocodile. Oh, 0h...
Alligator. Oh, yes!
Oh, OK.
Just throw it. It'll take longer, you know.
Right...
Christ, that is...
Vagina.
Mm... Mm...
Can you see it? Vagina?
Vajazzles? Yes!
I had to guess what one of those looked like.
Countdown. Yes!
This is going very well.
Er...
jO: jamali. I'm sorry, but, you know...
You were already cheating once.
Yeah. Yes. What did he cheat in, in this?
He's looking at the cards when Joe picks them up. Have I just drawn this for no reason?
Oh, well, that explains it!
I thought, how's he getting these from these shitty drawings?
No, no, no, it was just Countdown I got
because Joe went like this.
Oh, really? I didn't even mean to, I thought I was incredible.
I was getting so carried away, I thought...
I think if you watch it back,
I think joe Wilkinson was genuinely surprised how quickly you got it.
You showed him the card!
I honestly thought I was incredible!
OK.
APPLAUSE
I'm genuinely embarrassed was cos I was so excited.
What was the last one, out of interest?
Confusion.
Er, jo, jon.
If you just pop 'em face up when you've finished reading them.
Yeah, will do.
OK, your time starts now.
Moustache.
Yeah.
Snowdrift. Oh, you haven't started.
Handsome bugger. Joe Wilkinson.
Yeah, well done.
OK, next board, next board.
Do you know, I thought it can't be that easy?
Oh, no... Is that a breast or an anus?
Arsehole. Anus.
Anus, arsehole. No, arseholes.
Sphincter.
It is easier if you show it to him.
Yeah, I know, I know.
No, you've learnt from their technique, I like it.
Onion?
What the fuck?
Aubergine. Aubergine. Aubergine. I can draw.
APPLAUSE
Oh, I'll tell you what, it's a draw, five points to both teams.
We'll have that.
Jo, how's the five a day going?
Well, you think what's like really unhealthy,
but it's got fruit in it
and that is fruit and nut chocolate, right?
Ooh. And look, we've even got chocolate for vegans here as well.
Who's vegan here? Joe.
Joe Wilkinson's a vegan.
Yeah, I just do a lot of good stuff, I just don't bang on about it.
Sorry, Joe, are you genuinely vegan?
Fuck off.
Jamali, do you want some chocolate? Yeah, sure.
OK, I'll bring you your own special bar.
Oh, thank you, I feel like that's a... Oh, thanks, Jo.
That sounds like it's not gonna be nice. Do you want...
Whoa. This is great fun.
Thank you.
Who else? Bradley, want some chocolate?
OK, on with the game. jon, jo, your turn to choose the letters.
Are we still playing this pissing game? I can't remember.
Hello, Rachel. Hi, Jon.
Can we have a consonant, please?
T
And a vowel, please.
O
And a vowel, please.
A
And a consonant, please.
L
And another vowel, please.
I
And a consonant, please.
T
And another consonant, please.
I\I
Vowel.
A
And a consonant, please.
And the last one, S.
OK, and your time starts now.
Er, jo Brand, how many letters? Seven.
Jon, how many letters?
I'm gonna try a nine
but I'm almost certain it's not a word.
OK, brave man. joe Wilkinson?
Seven. OK, seven. jamali?
I'm gonna try a nine,
but I don't know if it's gonna go down.
Jo, your seven?
STATION.
Joe Wilkinson, I suggest yours might be similar?
Yeah, STATION.
STATION, OK. jon, your nine—letter word?
I got SALTATION
but I think I just had the word salutation in my head.
It's, OK, it will be in the, in the electronic edition,
if I had my laptop, it's in there,
it's just not in the printed dictionary.
So, saltation is a real word?
Salt, saltation, yes, it is.
Can we see if it's in the book?
And what does saltation mean, Susie Dent?
I think it's to do with biological evolutionary change.
I think jon just got a nine—letter word, everyone.
He did.
APPLAUSE
That's... I mean, you get double.
That could be 18 points,
but has jamali also got a nine—letter word? Let's find out.
I had saltation as well.
And you thought it was?
It's the evolution of biological shit.
So, 18 points for both teams, two nine—letter words.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Rachel, what have you got for us?
Well, as a long-term fan of the show,
I've always been a fan of Rachel, and Susie, obviously.
But me and Rachel have actually got a surprising amount in common.
So, I'm gonna sing a little song about that,
dedicated to Rachel.
# Two Rachels both called Rachel
# And that's not the only thing we share
# We're both women, both five foot six
# And we both have lovely blonde hair
# Not naturally
# The list goes on, its hard to believe
# Both Rachel and I have roughly 32 teeth
# We come from the same place, the UK
# And both of us are wearing shoes today
# What are the chances?
# This shit's getting weird
# We both think summer's the best time of the year
# Are we the same person?
# It's hard to keep track
# We both quite like chocolate and we both use bags
# But there's one big thing where it seems like we're twinned
# I'm pregnant and Rachel's got bad wind. #
APPLAUSE
Rachel Parris, everyone.
Almost indistinguishable from Rachel Riley.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TITS ROOM, and the clue is — get into gear.
That's TITS ROOM — get into gear. See you after the break.
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were TITS ROOM, the clue was — get into gear.
It was of course MOTORIST.
OK, you're choosing the letters, jamali.
Can I get a consonant?
You can.
Q
Can I get a vowel?
E
Can I get a vowel?
Yeah, another E.
Can I get another consonant?
VG
Can I get all the rest of them consonants?
No. N. No? You can't do that?
You have to have one more vowel.
OK, then can I get all the rest of them vowels?
No, you've got to have at least four consonants.
I don't understand, so what's the issue here? I'm confused.
Somewhere at home, one of your old teachers is watching this
going, "That's exactly what he was like at school."
I mean, as long as you have one more consonant
then you do whatever the fuck you want.
Oh, wow, damn. I think I've driven you to swearing,
that's how I know I'm really getting on your nerves, innit.
Do you know what? It's like Dangerous Minds now.
"Wow, she's really speaking our language!"
One more consonant.
D
Can I get a vowel?
And a U, there you go, that's good. Yeah.
One, two, one, two, three, four.
APPLAUSE
That was my favourite one of them you've ever done.
Joe, how many?
Six. jamali, how many?
Has Bradley not passed it over yet? What's going on?
No, because everyone's making me feel bad for cheating
so I'm trying to figure it out myself and I've realised that I'm...
No, don't do that now. No, I...
Bradley, give me the answer.
I've got six.
OK. jo Brand, how many?
Nine.
This is getting interesting. jon, how many?
Well, now this is very interesting
because I have also a nine that is a joke but not a word,
but I'm aware that if we lose to a six,
we can't win with the conundrum, and I'm really annoyed.
And I also have one of those as well.
I'll go for a safe six then. OK.
We're not on the proper Countdown!
Yes, but there's a fucking art set at stake, isn't there, Jimmy?
You dangled the prize before my eyes.
Yes, I did and I'm sorry about that,
I thought you were into it. jamali, what's your six?
NEARED.
Oh, lovely. NEARED?
Lovely. Joe? WARDER. WARDER.
Do you mean WARDEN?
WARDEN, yeah, WARDEN. What did I say? Yeah, WARDEN.
Oh, you said WARDER.
1°", your 6?
WARDEN was... Oh, the same as me, yeah.
WARDEN was your safe, OK. Nine—letter word, jo, please.
Let this be a nine—letter word.
Well, I hope it is, because this is what I was called
when I was a nurse — WARDQUEEN.
I'm gonna say six points to both teams.
Yes, that seems fair.
APPLAUSE
Bradley, me old mucker, what did you get, mate?
Six. You got six? Yeah.
To be fair, he was skinning up.
Rachel, Susie, could they have done any better?
We just got a lot of different sixes.
OK, so jon and jo have 56 points,
joe and jamali have 63 points, still in the lead.
APPLAUSE
So, I mean, doesn't normally happen on this show,
but fingers on buzzers,
it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
It's all to play for. Your time starts...
Give us a hug, you.
Just hand it to him, we all know what's going on.
OK, your time starts now.
You pressed? Yes. OK. What did you have?
MODERNIST. MODERNIST.
Let's see if you're right.
APPLAUSE
I mean, in, what, three seconds there?
Did you cheat?
No, how did you do it, seriously?
I spend a lot of time alone.
This is the highest scoring game we've ever had.
One more time for Bradley.
APPLAUSE
So, the final scores are, jon and jo have 56 points
but the winners today against all odds are joe and jamali, 73 points.
Yeah! Congratulations, joe and jamali,
you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Artists set.
Thanks to all our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
APPLAUSE