Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
Jon Richardson,
Richard Ayoade,
Chris McCausland,
Sara Pascoe,
Annabel,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host, jimmy Carr.
CHEERING
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain jon Richardson.
CHEERING
Fun fact, jon spells his name without a H.
I mean, it's not that fun, but it's jon Richardson.
Look what I've got to work with.
And Jon's team-mate this evening, Chris McCausland.
Chris is blind, so he can't read any of Susie Dent's books.
You lucky bastard.
Up against them this evening it's team captain Richard Ayoade.
Richard is a bit of an enigma.
On the one hand he's as awkward as two cousins kissing,
but on the other hand, he's as sexy as two cousins kissing.
OK.
And joining Richard tonight it's Sara Pascoe.
According to Sara's latest book,
women have evolved to make noise during sex
to attract other potential partners.
My girlfriend actually makes a lot of noise during sex.
Sometimes I can hear her from downstairs.
Jon, what's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?
HE SCREECHES LIKE A MONKEY
Probably that. I am spontaneous.
I am, it's very important to be spontaneous.
I put aside time every week,
Wednesday morning nine o'clock, be spontaneous.
Don't even pick out my cardigans. On a Tuesday night, I don't even pick
'em out. Wednesday morning, I think, blue or grey, see what happens.
Is it always QFBY?
Usually, it's grey.
And nothing else, incidentally.
Wow. Richard, what is your favourite childhood memory?
You're kind to presume I had one. Erm, I...
Well, look, I was a masculine child,
as you can imagine.
I do have one specific memory which was
a birthday party at
Happy Eater restaurant — the chain's now defunct, sadly —
and it was right next to the motorway,
that was the great thing about the Eater family,
they really believed in you needed to get away from there fast.
And we lived near it,
we passed it regularly, and I thought that is
a pretty sophisticated joint, I'd like to get in on that.
But my father had never been to a restaurant
because he said there was food in the house.
So, your father had never been to a restaurant before?
Not in this country, or other countries actually.
No. The first statement covered it.
I tried to complexify it
and then realised it didn't need complexifying.
OK, your father's never been to a restaurant.
He didn't believe in them. So, we went to this eatery, Happy Eater,
and the food didn't arrive immediately after we ordered it.
We'd looked at the pictures, said what we want, and so we left.
He said, "Let's go."
What? Why did you leave?
Because at home when he went to the table,
the food was there.
That's why he came to the table.
Why would he go somewhere and they're advertising food
and then you order it and it's nothing's happening
for up to seven minutes?
So we left. You left? We left.
I don't wanna back your dad up,
but earlier today we went for a pizza, my wife and I,
and they didn't come over quick enough.
So, I said, "Right, you stay, I'm going."
Chris, what have you been up to since you were last on the show?
I've had a bit of a health problem, Jimmy.
I... I've had a man pain in me down below,
which, being a man,
I left for a while. And you self—diagnose, and you condemn
yourself and you think it's the worst thing and you put it off
and you put it off cos it's embarrassing.
And I went to the doctor's,
and it turns out I've got varicose veins on my left testicle.
I've got a left ball like an old woman's leg.
I erm, I thought I was doing all right for my 40s and,
and it turns out now I've got old woman leg balls.
Listen, I am NHS straight down the middle,
but I paid for private with this cos I've had
the same GP for 20—odd years,
and I didn't want him fondling me balls.
So, they told me, and they said,
"Oh, there's an operation you can have to sort it out,
"just book it in when you need it." And I said,
"How will I know when I need it?"
And he went, "Don't worry, you'll know."
Sorry, was this...? Did you go to a garage?
I'm not sure you went private or to Kwik Fit.
Sara, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?
Um, I'm quite a good person,
I don't break rules and things.
So, if you mean naughty as in like, saucy...
He does. Yeah. Yeah, so me and my new husband,
obviously being in lockdown together, we were really worried
that we would lose the passion we had for each other.
So, erm, we came up with prison cosplay.
We kind of pretended that we were cellmates who had feelings
for each other, but we couldn't act upon them.
So like he would do chin-ups
and I would write a long letter to my solicitor,
and we'd just watch each other on the toilet.
LAUGHTER
just to keep the spark.
OK, Richard. Have you got a mascot?
I do, yes. I've brought some of my lucky...
...allergy medication.
So, I just take this, you know, it's my lucky nasal spray.
I'm not sure that's as effective as you think it is.
I'm just going by the voice, I think there might be...
My... My lucky eye drops.
Or aren't my eyes working either?
They're the wrong pitch. Are they at the wrong frequency of whatever
agenda you're setting for the timbre?
Yes, a lot of people like to speak from the neck up.
Why use your chest?
I relax my chest for breathing and for... Well, not...
It's wheezing more than breathing.
And then that inhaler.
It's not working, obviously, for the nasal voice.
I mean, is this news just in?
Have you ever heard about making personal comments, Jimmy?
Sara, have you got a mascot?
Yes. What, what have you got? I have been thinking
a lot about how when you feel
confident at something you're better at it,
and I would like to be better at Countdown.
I want a mascot to make me feel more confident.
So I was thinking what would make me feel good about myself,
and no-one has ever declared their undying love for me.
It's just never happened, and so I thought maybe
that's what I would create here.
You know like that amazing scene in Love Actually,
and Kiera Knightley's at the door and then the guy's there
and he's got all of the signs and the Christmas music, and then her
career just went from strength to strength cos she felt
so confident... Of course. ..and so loved.
So I thought I would enact that.
I thought I'd get Jon Richardson, cos he's
the one I know the best, to declare love for me.
So, you've got the cards. Don't look at them.
Jon's never seen Love Actually,
it's another one of the interesting things about jon.
So, that's two now.
It's a true thing. I've also not seen Love Actually.
OK, well, great, cos you're playing my husband in this. So, erm...
That's very presumptuous. You've only got one line, so...
Does this mean I have to do some kind of prison ritual?
This is the opposite of declaring undying love.
This is undermining my confidence, and I'm on your team.
I'm just trying to be truthful, and if that undermines your confidence
then you need to change your life.
You really married the wrong guy.
I'm just trying... Look, if you wanted to marry a lawyer,
I'm just trying to be truthful and speak my truth,
and if I can't speak my truth in this relationship,
how are we gonna forge a life together?
OK, you're not in it any more. So, Jon, if you...
Stick with it. This is marriage, Sara. You can't...
You're in, you're out. Which is it?
This big pack of...? just lift, just lift the cards up.
The cards are bigger than my body.
Hold it like that, and then,
is there a little music box down there? I'll come and get it.
There is.
Hopefully this is... SILENT NIGHT PLAYS
You're at the door.
This is what happens in Love Actually, and my husband,
we're like sitting together watching,
and there's a knock at the door and it's you.
It's me.
So I answer the door.
Hang on, why is he here? You're not in it, you're not in it.
I'm your husband.
You're not in it.
Keira Knightley did not have to put up this shit.
So, uh, so turn the cards round.
Who's he? We're married.!
And then I go, "Oh, it's josh Widdicombe." Like that.
And you go, "Give him a pound and tell him to go away."
Give him a pound and tell him... Wh...
It makes it... OK, great. This marriage is so confusing.
OK, the next card. The next card.
AS JOSH: I've got a pound, I got one in the '90s.
This is it, it's nice, oh, yeah.
"With any luck, by the next episode..." Yeah.
Cos in Love Actually that's like sexy ladies,
but for you it's Einstein,
the scientific calculator and the Chasers.
OK, next one.
This is when it gets really romantic, doesn't it? Yeah.
Beautiful. So heartfelt.
We do that, yeah.
OK.
Thank you, Jon.
Aw, thank you, Jon.
CHEERING
I do feel more confident, I do feel more confident.
OK. Chris, have you got a mascot?
Um, yes. I've, erm,
developed a range of fragrances based on
the Cats Countdown regulars and, erm,
I don't know why you're still giving me a pen and paper.
Erm... LAUGHTER
This is Eau De Susie. Don't worry, Susie,
this is a very elegant fragrance
if you like old musty books.
It's called Vellichor, that's gotta be the title for it.
That's the smell of old musty books.
OK, I've never heard that before, but I knew your name,
so it's called Eau de Susie. Oh, right.
Eau de Rachel. It's quite mathematical this one, Rachel.
Oh, yeah. Comes in a round bottle to start with. Perfect.
It's 22%, pH 5.5.
Nice.
17% sigma x over y.
Mm-hm.
It's got a gradient of just less than minus one.
Perfect.
And, you're a big Man United fan, aren't you? Yeah.
So I've put some shit in it.
Finally, this is Eau de Jimmy.
Jimmy, I'm really proud of this one. Excellent.
This encapsulates everything that it is to be you, I think.
It's almost completely lacking any odour whatsoever.
There's a slight whiff of Botox and erm,
and you'll be very pleased
to note that it's completely exempt from all forms of tax and duties.
I love it.
Jon, have you got a mascot?
Have you heard of a thing called ASMR?
Oh, now, I have heard of it.
Isn't that a weird sound thing?
Yes, it stands for A Sexy Mumbled Response.
Um, and it's where people sort of whisper
to give people like a sexual thrill.
It's not sexual, it gives you the tingles.
It's very relaxing.
Sexual when I do it.
Well, this is huge on YouTube, isn't it?
People make videos of like pillows sort of rubbing.
It's incredible.
Scratching on things and talking in a very quiet voice.
And they do it close to the mic so you can hear everything.
So I've started doing a live ASMR broadcast
for people who go to bed but find it difficult to get to sleep
because of, you know, invading thoughts.
So, I do a relaxing — and mildly sexual —
ASMR experience.
So, I'm just gonna do it now live.
WHISPERING: Are you listening?
Are you in bed?
Did you turn the light off?
No, good, it's scary when the lights are off, isn't it?
So, leave the hallway light on and the door just ajar.
Oh, no, I think you forgot to put the bins out.
Don't worry.
LAUGHTER
Don't worry, I'll do it for you.
BAG CRINKLES
Oh, it's lovely and dry, isn't it? Just tie a knot in it.
Ooh.
It's a heavy sack.
Actually, now in some council areas they'll email you
the day before bin day, which if you're away you can forward
on to your wife,
and it looks less passive aggressive than texting her
to say please put the bins out.
This is the council saying it and not me,
Lucy, all right, so give me a fucking break.
Come back in.
Lock the door. Oh.
Turn the key in the lock.
Ooh.
That's gone right in there.
And we've, we've got the Yale lock at the top anyway
but it's nice to put the Chubb on of an evening, so...
Last thing before bed, let's have a cheeky drop.
Oh.
OK, fuck the glass.
LAUGHTER
HE BURPS
Night)!“ night.
Jon Richardson there.
Over in Dictionary Corner, we have Annabel, who's on
a mission to solve the world's turmoil.
APPLAUSE
Hi.
And it says here you're a sweat lodge assistant
and bee whisperer.
So, what does a sweat lodge assistant do?
Um, I, I just hand out the flannels.
Right, so, maybe tell us about the bee whispering.
Oh, right, so,
so I basically work with bees who are struggling
with their mental health.
Um, and it's going really well,
and bee stings have literally halved in Sussex since we started
the program me.
It sounds like important work.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry to ask, but are we nearly done?
No, we've, we've only just started.
Are you serious?
Because I, I'm meant to be at a gong bath
at the shamanic centre in like ten minutes.
Well, we'll try and speed things along,
uh, for you. Uh, Annabel everyone.
APPLAUSE
And with Annabel, of course, it's Susie Dent.
The producers have told me
to write some kinder jokes for you Susie, so... Oh. Good.
Susie, you are kinder boring, and your books are kinder shit.
Erm, you often give us your favourite words from the past,
but do you have any new ones you like?
Yeah, I quite like testiculating, which is waving your hands around
and talking bollocks.
Testiculator. A testiculator. Yeah.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel loves animals and says she'd be the first to sign up
to any TV show that involves animals, or doesn't involve animals,
or involves something else, or doesn't, or does.
Basically, she's keen and available.
Does Pasha, your lovely husband,
has he introduced you to any Russian traditions?
He's introduced me to the Russian sauna, the ban ya.
Which is quite good fun, but you have to get used to it,
because you go to the sauna and it's really, really hot, much hotter than
normal ones. And there's a scary Russian guy with a felt hat,
makes you put a felt hat on. You get in there
and then they beat you with birch branches.
And once you've been beaten thoroughly,
they put you under a bucket and they dip
a load of freezing cold water over your head.
And then you have to dip yourself in a massive bucket
of freezing cold water.
It's kind of like a cross between going through
a car wash and having a hostage experience.
And you kind of repeat that,
and in the middle between the sessions you go
and have vodka and pickles.
And that is how you fell pregnant.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing
for tonight is this, the Countdown wheelie bin.
Ooh.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
Jon, Chris, you get to pick the letters.
Chris, would you like to choose?
OK, Rachel. Yes.
Let's start with a consonant, that's the logical, logical place, innit?
Sta rt with S.
Uh, vowel.
E
Consonant.
/
Consonant.
L
I'll go for a vowel.
E
Another vowel.
I
Consonant.
P
Vowel.
U
And a consonant.
And the last one, N.
OK, so the letters are, Chris, just to, recap,
S; Er B!'
L, E, I, P, U, N.
Feel like I'm doing an eye test.
Read them out and then rub it in by bringing up
the one thing that I can't do as well.
Fucking eye test.
"Can you see the sign?" I can't see the room.
And your time starts now.
It's not working.
Susie, can you stop fucking around.
Richard, how many?
Nine.
Excellent. Chris, how many?
I've only got a five to be honest, Jimmy.
Sara, how many?
I've got a dodgy seven.
A dodgy seven. Or a safe six.
Oh, go dodgy.
Dodgy seven. What, you think my nine isn't dodgy?
Jon. A dodgy eight
OK, so, Chris, your five?
BEEPS
Sara, your seven?
It's N UBI LES.
It'd be quite an offensive term for like a group of young women.
NUBILES
SUSIE: It's just there as an adjective though.
It's not there as a noun, Sara, I'm sorry. But it's a great six.
J0", your eight?
UNBLEEPS
Ooh.
So, UNBLEEPS.
No UNBLEEPS.
Richard, your nine—letter word.
PENISLUBE
It used to be hyphenated.
I think the hyphen's gone now, hasn't it?
You use it so much...
But it's not there. Oh. There's also...
There's also what Chris,
what Chris might have if the ball varicose veins spread.
Chris, you might have blue penis.
So, Chris, five points to you.
Well, there you go.
Annabel, Susie, could they have done any better?
So, NEBULISE is essentially I think what,
what Susie just told me to say.
NEBULISE, and what does that mean?
To NEBULISE, to use a nebuliser is to inhale,
medicinal, a drug of some kind.
So, at the end of that,
jon and Chris are in the lead with five points.
Yes, well done.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Richard, Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
Dealer's choice. Some of your best numbers please.
Do you want two from the top? That's right. That sounds good.
Yeah, and four little.
We've got 5, 8,
10, 5.
And are these good so far?
We need to wait for the target. Oh, right.
To really tell, you know.
75, 100,
and the target,
844.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 844. Sara, did you get it?
I got to 850. That's what I got.
And I started again. And then I got to 840.
Oh, that's worse.
Chris, did you get it?
I think 840 maybe.
Bu';?
845.
Richard?
8... 850. You got 850, OK. Yeah.
They just needed that for the edit.
I'm in the edit?!
It's a first. It doesn't seem wise to me.
Jon, how did you get 845?
100+5
105
105X8
840
And add the other five.
Oh, yeah, one away, 845.
So seven points to jon.
Rachel, I got it almost immediately. Did you get it the same way as me?
I've got lots of ways to get one away so I'm gonna have
to sit and think.
OK, Richard and Sara have no points.
Jon and Chris have 12 points.
And here is your teaser.
The words are DICK DOSE, the clue is hello, sailor.
That's DICK DOSE — hello, sailor. See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were DICK DOSE, the clue was hello, sailor,
It was of course DOCKSIDE.
So, jon and Chris are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
but this game is just for Richard and jon.
So, Richard, your turn to choose the letters.
Two consonants.
I and R.
Two vowels.
A and E.
Two consonants.
H and D.
Two vowels.
E and O.
A consonant please.
And the last one, R.
I might do a bit of fruit carving, pass the time.
Your time starts now.
Right.
Fabio, take, your finger with you,
take your finger. I've done fruit carving,
what do you think? It's not a bad likeness.
I've done one of everyone.
Sara, I thought, I thought you, I thought grapefruit.
Yeah, I'll take it.
I've done you in grapefruit. Aww, that's nice.
Chris, I've carved you into a melon,
Well, actually, do you know what, it will work in braille.
Do you wanna have a go on it? Go on, let's have a look.
All right, hang on.
Your face is on the front of that melon.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, that looks just like you, doesn't it?
Oh, it's beautiful.
Richard Avocado.
Yeah, whatever.
Is it not good? That's really good.
Has someone done a better carving in an avocado of you?
Yes.
I've done one of, er, I've done one of jon in a satsuma.
I'll tell you what, I'll put you at the front
cos you're lovely, and you're small.
A sad-suma.
Richard, how many?
Six. I got eight. Shall I pass mine to you?
Jimmy, I got eight.
Oh, OK. jon, how many?
Very nice. Well, I'll try a seven.
Jon, your seven.
REHOLED
REHOLED? Yeah, I put a hole in it,
some bugger filled it in so I REHOLED it.
OK.
Susie Dent is looking quizzically at the dictionary.
Rehome, but not rehole.
Yeah, there wasn't an M.
Do you know when you put a bit of weight on,
and you have to put an extra hole in your belt? Yeah.
And then you put a bit more weight on and you have to rehole it.
Yeah, no, it's totally feasible as a word. Yeah.
But we don't use it enough to get it in the dictionary,
That's why a lot of these words aren't getting in.
It's frequency, yeah. It's frequency.
So, the more you talk about reholing something... Yes.
...the more it's got a chance to go in here. Or penislubing.
You'd have to use it in lots of different contexts though.
OK. This is an absolute penislube of a train.
I like it, different parts of speech as well, very good.
This place is a penislube.
OK, Richard, your eight, your eight—letter word?
It's a bit risky.
I don't think it is risky.
Get out of my head.
The eight is HERALDER.
HERALDER?
I think a HERALDER is just a herald.
That's what I thought, and I never even thought of it.
My six is, which I declared, and you can rewind the tape,
READER, LEADER, HEADER, I could go on.
RELOAD. RELOAD.
LOADER. LOADER.
Well, we've all got sixes, mate.
You don't, mate.
HOARDER is a seven.
HOARDER is an excellent seven.
Oh, it's excellent, yeah.
EARHOLE. EARHOLE.
My cousin's EARHOLE got filled in.
Sorry, your cousin's EARHOLE got filled in?
What did you have to do? He went to the doctor who REHOLED it.
Interesting, interesting.
Now, at the risk of this being actual Countdown,
is DROLLER a word?
Can you be more drole than someone else?
Yes, jimmy will just love this.
Because drole is a single—syllable adjective, jimmy...
Go on. ..you can, without it being specified in
the dictionary have DROLLER and drollest. Yeah.
I mean, how many viewers do you think we just lost there!
OK, so six points to Richard Ayoade.
Oh, you got points, well done.
Thank you.
Annabel, Susie, could they have done any better?
They've done everything. REHEARD. Yeah.
Yeah, that's the re- word, REHEARD.
Do you know, I had that,
and I thought that's bloody ridiculous.
Once you've heard something
you don't need to rehear it, do you?
Please, you've not seen my act.
OK, so at the end of that, Richard and Sara have six points,
jon and Chris have 12 points.
APPLAUSE Well clone. Well done.
Right, now time for Chris and Sara to go head-to-head in maths.
Chris, your turn to pick the numbers. A big one.
And five little 'uns?
Yeah.
10, 8, 10,
5, 7 and 100.
OK. And the target.
So, it's 958
and your time...starts now.
Chris, the target was 958,
did you get it?
Erm... CLANGING
That was just my testicle.
Erm, Christ.
What was the... what was the sum? 958.
I didn't get it. I was so far away,
I might as well have been on a train.
Sara, did you get it?
Yeah, I'm on a train as well
cos I got nowhere near it.
Nowhere near?
I got (10 X 10) + (7 X 5),
times eight, whatever that is, that's how close I got.
380.
What?!
10 X 10 = 100!
10 x 10 = 100 Yeah. = 35, x 8.
Oh, right, OK.
You're really losing it here, Rachel
So,10 X 10 = 100
And then you're adding 35 here? Yeah.
And times it by eight.
Erm... Oh, no, no, no, no.
Sorry, hang on. 10 x 10 = 100
Yeah. 100 x 8
100 x 8 = 800 Plus... Oh, I'm miles away.
Is this jazz?
Could it be done? Yes, it could be done.
This one you can say... 100 — 5 = 95
95 X10 = 950
And add on the eight. 958.
Ahhh.
Oh!
Well, uh...
It's the whole thing of making something smaller
before you make it bigger.
It doesn't really make any sense in your head.
It's not something you instinctively try to do.
You just try and go bigger on every step.
Maybe that's the male thing.
Wow, I'm so triggered.
Are you gonna stand for this in what I thought was a workplace?
I thought I'd be safe here, but...
OK, so, Richard and Sara have six points,
jon and Chris have 12 points.
APPLAUSE
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Annabel, what have you got for us?
Oh, um...
Goddess biscuits.
Tell us more.
OK, so I've made some Goddess biscuits
to raise money, um,
for the Dormouse Society,
cos they've been hit pretty hard during the pandemic.
They're super healthy
and they're really cleansing for your womb centre.
And, um...
...really, really quite sharpen your hearing.
I once ate two in a row,
and I could literally hear a rabbit cough
from the other side of the loch.
What's in them?
Activated charcoal, erm, some grass,
raisins... At least I think they're raisins,
it might be dog biscuits.
Some powdered bark
and some bee sweat.
Oh, and a Jaffa Cake.
Shall we try them? Yeah.
But I should say that actually my friend Charlotte had one
and, erm, she couldn't make a fist for about a month,
and her face did swell up just a tiny bit.
But her speech is pretty much back to normal. So, yeah.
Why don't you go first? OK.
This is a seriously good batch.
Tuck in, guys, do you want one?
Oh, unfortunately I'm a vegan
and they might have dog biscuits in them. Oh...
Dog biscuits are not made from dogs.
Another thing to write down.
I noticed that it's ever so slightly stained your teeth.
And mine are new in, so I might leave it.
I'm just gonna leave all those there for you.
You owe me a lot of money.
How else are you raising money for the Dormouse Society?
Oh, right, yeah. Well, I'm selling some of my paintings.
Right.
Erm, this one's up for grabs.
Talk me through that.
OK, so, this is a...
...a painting I did of my sixth form leavers ball.
That's me.
That's Charlotte, that's Shrimpy,
that's Shrimpy's brother Spud Dog.
Margo, Bumhole.
Sponge before she had her nose job.
Erm, Tugboat... God, he was handsome, I loved that shirt.
It was such a good night.
Annabel, everyone.
APPLAUSE
OK, the scores at the moment.
Richard and Sara are on six, jon and Chris have 12 points.
And here is your teaser. The words are EATS SHIT.
The clue is, I don't believe it.
That's EATS SHIT, I don't believe it. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
The words were EATS SHIT,
the clue was, I don't believe it.
It was of course ATHEISTS.
OK, on with the game,
jon, Chris, your turn to choose the letters.
OK. This is my opportunity to level the playing field
so I've hidden a blindfold under your desks, so get 'em on.
Yeah, you've got a blindfold, so this is what it's like
playing if you're Chris, so blindfolds on.
If you're gonna say "Put the blindfolds on," jimmy,
don't make it sound as natural.
At least make it sound like it's a new thing you say.
I've got to take my glasses off as well, so I feel doubly vulnerable.
Don't you... Jimmy, I'm pointing at now.
Yeah. ..start fucking around while we've got these on.
You are a rat and you make things go bang,
all that wine is still in me,
and if anything happens that I'm not expecting,
it will come out, OK?
Ooh! I don't want...
Someone might be in for a little surprise.
Oh, God. Let's pick the letters.
Are you ready, Rachel? I'm ready.
Consonant. Yeah. There you go.
S
S, everyone. Um, vowel.
A
Consonant.
G
Consonant.
T
S, A, G, T, OK.
Vowel.
S. A. 2 T, o.
Vowel.
A
S, A, G, T, O, A.
JON: It actually makes it worse.
Consonant.
P
Consonant.
S
Vowel.
And your time starts — no—one's expecting miracles — now.
OK, electrocute jon now.
JON YELPS
Now, now.
Oh, I really don't like it!
Argh! What was that...
I think it was some sellotape,
but it was still scary.
OK, Chris, how many?
I've only got a five again, Jimmy.
OK, jon, how many? I'll go with a five.
Richard, how many? Five.
Sara? Five.
Chris, your five?
SOAPS
Richard, your five?
POGOS or GOATS.
No, I can hear you! I can hear you!
I should've taken my shoes off.
I'd have smelt you then.
Jon, your five? I had GOATS as well but now I feel like
I'm gonna gamble and go for IMPASTO.
IM PASTO?
Seven, but it's not a word
and those letters might not be up there.
If you were a magician,
I feel that would be what you should say after each trick.
IMPASTO! Yeah.
The problem with IMPASTO, really, is right at the start. IM?
Yeah, the whole "|" issue. Oh, OK.
Sara? I had GOATS as well.
You had GOATS? Yeah.
Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Susie, Annabel, how'd you get on?
STOOPS
And Annabel, how did you get along?
GHOSTS but with no H.
I like the fact that you've both still got your blindfolds on.
Oh!
Hello!
OK. So at the end of that,
jon and Chris are in the lead with 17 points.
Time to go across one more time to Dictionary Corner.
What's happening over there?
I'm reclaiming the mysteries of the feminine
through spaces of supportive sisterhood.
What?
I'm breast-feeding.
So tell us about the baby.
Well, this radiant little bliss ball was born on a toadstool
surrounded by a sacred circle of druids.
I mean, you get pretty much whatever you want when you pay eight grand
to give birth on the Lindo Wing.
So, what's the bliss ball's name?
I don't know.
You don't know your own baby's name?
Oh, it's not my baby.
Well, whose baby is it?
It's my friend Charlotte's, she's on a bender in Ibiza.
What are all the feathers and things?
Oh, yeah! Well, I'm making a dream catcher, this one's...
you LAUGHS
Sorry.
This one's for you, Susie. Oh, thank you.
So you can remember every single last detail
of those lesbian dreams you told me you were having.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Love that.
Oh, dear. OK, yeah,
so I've kind of stuck my fingers together.
But... Oh, my God, yoga fingers!
Look! Which bizarrely is my Instagram handle.
So, that's nice. And...
Oh, yeah, uh...
I think I stuck myself to the baby.
Annabel, everyone.
The scores at the moment,
Richard and Sara have 11,
jon and Chris have 17 points.
And here is your final teaser. The words are HELD SACK.
The clue is, ooh, that's a bit tight.
That's HELD SACK, ooh, that's a bit tight. See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
The words were HELD SACK, the clue was, ooh, that's a bit tight,
It was of course SHACKLED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Richard, Sara, your turn to choose.
A consonant, please.
Thank you, Sara. T.
T. Another consonant please.
C
Lovely. A vowel, please.
I
Another vowel, please.
E OK, and a consonant, please.
...
Another consonant, please.
H
A vowel.
U
jON SHUDDERS A consonant.
What was that?
Something just left me, and I don't know what it was.
Cheeky little bum chakra.
I'll talk to you about it later.
We've got S.
S, and another consonant, please.
And the last one.
T
Your 30 seconds starts now.
MUSIC: Turn Down For What by Liljon
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
CHEERING
So, Chris, Chris, how many?
I'm gonna go for an eight, Jimmy.
OK, jon, how many?
I'm also gonna go for an eight.
I've got to be quick because I'm getting dizzy. Sara, how many?
Eight. You got an eight as well? Richard?
Six. This is running out of battery anyway,
I'm gonna pop this on charge.
APPLAUSE
Wow, nice.
Richard, what was your word?
RUSTIC Chris, your eight?
HURTHEST HURUEST? HURUEST'?
That is absolutely brilliant.
You're joking, it's a proper word? It is. Woohoohoo!
CHEERING
jon, your eight? RESTITCH
OK. Susie, you're looking in the dictionary like it's not there.
Yeah, RESTITCH is not there but a STITCHER is...
Well, what do you do when you've just reholed yourself
and you want to close it up? You've got to restitch the thing, right?
Well, if Craig David is in the club
and his cardigan has fallen apart,
and he wants that mended,
what's he gonna say? Can I get a RESTITCH?
Sara, your eight? CRUSTIER
CRUSTIER? Yeah, because the PENISLUBE is old.
How many Rs did you see?
SUSIE: Yeah, there's only one R. Oh...
I'm sorry. Eight points to Chris.
APPLAUSE
Annabel, Susie, could they have done any better?
Um, yeah, they could've had CHITTERS.
CHITTERS? What is chittering?
It's what birds do.
If they're twittering, they're chittering as well.
OK, so Richard and Sara have 11 points,
jon and Chris have 25 points.
Sara, Richard, you are currently playing for pride.
We're out. Yeah, you're... We're out of the running.
But do we have pride, though? Are we proud?
No. No.
OK, so it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
OK, you ready?
WEALLFART Your time starts now.
WEALLFART
BELL RINGS
Richard? ARATWELL
ARATWELL? OK, restart the clock.
BUZZER
jon. WATERFALL
ls the right answer!
Oh, get in there, mate!
APPLAUSE
OK, the final scores are Richard and Sara have 11,
jon and Chris are victorious with 35 points.
Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown wheelie bin.
Thanks to all our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience
and thanks to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media